#i wanna punch myself in the face
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I have done what kinitopet fandom (probably) does not have but totally does (not) need... a CRIME AU! i am so sorry
Tw on poorly drawn guns, masks, scars, robbery police etc baisicly crime stuff
I have so much work why am i doing this... it is like 3 am...... aNYWAY---
More yapping and magnifyed parts under the cut
I was just literally sitting in the bus from uni and like "jeez can't imagine how those with full au-s abt tsp or kp, that must be so hard, i have one design and im already dying
And than i thought what au can i do for kinitopet
And here i am, 5 hours later with full ref-sheet and a little story idea in my head
Okay now to the au
It might be bad it might be okay-ish, well an okay-ish option is that they are like "Bad Guys"-ajesent group, you know, rob banks, skedadle with money, no killing, etc, all to make them redeamable, but, i mean.... they are horror charscters.... we all want our qute kinito but, u know...... he literally does not take "no" for an answer, just saying
So my idea is that maybe kinito does crime to get attentoin of that one detective, you know, "You" and does those "hello, you!" like he is talking to everyone while specifically naming You (((:
Aaand he is really in crime for that cat-n-mouse game, money are a bonus to do more crime with, he is just resl smart and wants to find soneone who is as intelligent as him and can catch him (or at least follow his clues)
Also they wear matching fake tatoos bc statistically most people are gonna notice a tatoo and they are gonna search you by it
And they have their secret normal lifes ofc bc why not
Sooooooo, i'll probably would never draw those guys again unless i guess y'all really like them, but in any case be free to take them and do whatev ya want, just tag/credit me (:
#kinitopet#kinitopet au#sam the sea anemone#kinito the axolotl#jade the jellyfish#i sexualized both men in kinitopet and what you have done in your life#i am not sorry#sam literally wears men version of bikini armor plate that protects n o t h i n g#kp brainrot so much my gray matter is dripping from my ears#i wanna punch myself in the face#btw i am still rigging that model#so do not worry. i'll get there#kinito fanart#btw i have no idea why new york#just wanna to make him say “hello new york”#also cool screens on buildings#perfect for announcing crime >:)#kinitopet crime au#prosto cup of art
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Every time I see myself smiling in photos.. I just wanna punch myself in the face.
#like fucking stop smiling#you don't deserve happiness#kill yourself#me to me#me to myself#why tf am i smiling?#i wanna die#depression#awkward#i don't want to be here anymore#miserable#personal#someone kill me#i don't wanna live anymore#i wanna punch myself in the face#i don't deserve happiness#i don't want to exist#i don't want to be alive anymore
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#the indescribable urge to get rid of practically everything I own and just keep my very favorite shit#vs wanting to buy things cause that’s my stupid coping mechanism#I wanna punch myself in the face
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the poor guys. sweetheart just loved to get them worked up (but we love it too. get it sweetheart) <3
FAACCTSSS
Like she's caught on with all of them, their longing gazes and touches. Their drunk confessions to her, and how fucking possessive they all are with her (AND TO EACH OTHER)
And as the little gremlin SHIT she is, she's using that as an advantage to kinda-- help one of them (or all of them) to come forward and tell her straight up "Hey, I love you and I wanna be yours"
But they ain't 💀 so until then, she's just gonna flaunt and tease~ cause that sounds fun LOL
#im trying my best to not turn her into a brat#because i cannot STAND BRATTY CHARACTERS#IDK WHAT IT IS I JUST GET SO ANNOYED#AND I WANNA PUNCH THAT CHARACTER AND MYSELF IN THE FACE#but idk whats going on anymore honestly#sweets is a baddie so she can be whatever 🤪#LMAO#141 sweetheart#black fem reader#hunter's ask lounge ☕️#hunter talkin out her ass 🍑#cod x y/n
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when after a full day of numbness the first feeling you feel is disgust and regret.
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Hate assigned gender. The only downside to being nonbinary is the inevitable “but were you born with a cunt or a dick” question cause it ALWAYS comes up. Like. Am I afab or amab?? I understand why people ask, but it’s so reductive and it sucks. I’m nonbinary but there’s always the modifier of genitals or assigned gender. Every single time. Like, trans women and trans men have their struggles, and there are lots of haters out there. But I can’t be nonbinary without the modifier of my assigned gender. Actually that’s the same as transmasc and transfems damn. Why does our existence always gotta be measured against how we were when we were pushed out of some cunt? Can’t we just tell you our gender without the fucking backstory? “I’m nonbinary, but I come from a long line of cunt-bearing dick-swingers; you see, I’ve got my grandpas hair and my grandmas temperament. I’m a vicious mess. But this random doctor said my whole future should be defined by his first glance at my infant body. So my agab is _____ and that tells you everything about me.”
#big feelings about this#not mad at anyone in particular#I understand why people ask#I’ve done the same thing a few times#but it’s still awful#it makes me feel like my self-identification is pointless if it always boils down to agab#like should I just say I’m male-to-female nonbinary or female-to-male nonbinary??#the entire point of being nonbinary is that we are NOT defined by the fucking binary#agab just throws us back into the binary#I wnnna punch myself in the face until I forget everything#I wanna hit my head against a wall until I forget the meaning of the word binsry
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painted for a few hours. it didn't go super well (I forget everything way too fast and it's been like a month, I think?) but I'm making myself stop and go to bed now. almost forgot that I have to go get my blood drawn in the morning 🤦
#thankfully the x files episode I'm watching reminded me (by being about people who drink blood lol)#also I'm painting mulder. very nice face. difficult to paint but pretty. it'll get easier as I get used to it though#you have no idea how hard I had to work to make myself paint him and not Jenkins lol#but we can't always just paint the silly men we're obsessed with can we?! and by we I mean me and tbh yeah I totally could but I knew it#wasn't likely to be very good and that's always very upsetting when it's someone I'm obsessed with lol#like I take it personally then#this? oh his face looks like it's been melted right now... but that doesn't make me want to punch the wall lol#plus I can look at his face for several hours without getting distracted. which it turns out is really useful when you wanna paint someone#anyway I'm also super tired which... well I've been awake for 8 hours. so. that's just totally normal :) and it'll be really difficult to#get up in 6 or 7 hours. probably basically impossible.#personal
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i look so disgusting and tired. god i hate myself
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when the very small amount of people in my life who know i’m a lesbian still talk about me dating guys 😃 like
#no cause i’m gonna tell u guys abt this convo i had w my sister the other day#we were talking abt her dating older guys cause she has a type lmao#and i was like what would you do if i was dating someone more than like 4 years older then me#and she was like ‘i would punch him in the face’#dramatic asf#and i was like ummmmm him ? 🧏♀️🧏♀️#and idk maybe she just got confused cause we WERE talking abt older guys but like i mentioned a hypothetical situation where i was dating#someone and she immediately assumes it’s a guy …..#i know it sounds stupid but like i’m out to less than 3 people i know irl and she just blatantly disregards my gayness ???#GODDDDDDD#like i have to talk about men all the time with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS AND HER !!!!!#and one of the very few times i talk abt myself and bring up my own dating life ….. and she says hypothetically id be dating a man#it makes me wanna scream just thinking about it again#it immediately ruined my mood#it sucks having no lesbian friends in real life 🤭 like actually devastating sick to my stomach can’t recover type shit#but yk what#one day i’ll make it to one of the like 5 lesbian bars that there are in the US and i’ll meet some friends#ITS GONNA HAPPEN#i’m manifesting it#maybe once i get to college i’ll meet less straight ppl and more LESBIANS#I WANT LESBIANS !!!!#and also i was talking to this other person who’s pan#and they asked me what my sexuality was and i was like im a lesbian#and they go “i like everybody. which unfortunately includes men😪’#bitch …… 😕 you’re kidding me rn#ur joking#pls never say that to me or any lesbian ever#bc i promise u i’ve DREAMT abt the idea of being attracted to men and how much easier that would be#obviously it makes me nauseous thinking abt it but at the same time if i had a CHOICE#since when is there a 30 tag limit i’m trying to rant
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...
#stumbling through one moment to the next like ive just been hit in the face#which is to say disoriented. punch drunk. adrift in a sea of mental vertigo#to steal a phrase: emotional motion sickness#i dunno. its just a very specific feeling when ive burned thru all my steam and am moving purely on compulsive action#like someones dragging me forward by the hair. i start to peel apart. im moving but without thinking actions into being#ill be in the middle of an action and my brain catches up. oh? where am i? what am i doing? ok i guess im on autopilot#thats fine i guess. and i start slipping out of my body. which isnt so bad until im trying to draw and then i cant bc my attention keeps#sliding away. i cant draw when im not sitting in my body.#im in the 3 day lul between taking measurements. this is my break. i say as i stay here from 7.30 to 5.30 bc of the other things i have to#do. and i haven't got the data ready for a meeting tomorrow so fuck the rest of my day i guess#ugh. i at least accomplished some things yesterday. but im in a standoff between saying fuck it and paying for an apartment vs waiting to b#contacted by student housing when there's currently a waitlist. i just wanna kno i have a place to go#also ive fucked myself over on another thing i havent done and dont kno how to start. uuuuuugh.#when i take my headphones off my brain has a lag that sounds like static and whispers#y am i doing this to myself? given the choice to make it better or worse i choose worse at each turn#so here we r. worse and worse and worse. have i fucked it all up? maybe so. well see#i have to go in tomorrow too. and i have a meeting Thursday. and thrn were back to 11hr days until Tuesday#then if i have to attend a birthday party my head might fucking explode#unrelated
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mox gonna come our wedneaday talking abt how regal doing that shit just makes mox stronger or somethin
#he punched me in the face bc he loves me i mean#im upset#i made myself upset#i dont wanna go to sleep#and i dont wanna go to work tomorrow
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i have so much i need to get done today godddddddd
#send help#i gotta do all this job application related shit today and then im tasked for a few things for this weekend for mania week stuff#i can push one thing for tomorrow but pretty much everything else needs to be done today while i have a good computer access ugh#im so tired i dont wanna i just wanna write#cause ofc when i finally get my groove back with that im punched in the face with everything else that demands attention#also annoyed at chris for only selling some shirts in the us shows and not actually in the dbru drop cause ofc i cant have nice things#and im still having other issues with myself on top of being dead tired so like#yeah life isnt fun. i'll hopefully manage for now but jfc#anyways the point of this was please send me distractions so i can take breaks in between working on everything before i lose my mind#night is an absolute mess on main
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Someone:
-Abuse my affection by making me an emotional slave that had to be ready to talk to them at the time they said or otherwise get guilt-tripped ("I feel so alone" "you said you would be here").
-I had to be ready to comfort them at any time, with situations like me having my baby niece crying in my arms and they DEMANDING my total attention even knowing it, or demanding drawings to make them feel better.
-Lies to me. Blatantly.
-Makes me feel miserable filling my life with constant negativity. I wasn't allowed to express any kind of personal happiness publicly because it "hurt their feelings". Me drawing better than them also hurt them, I felt compelled to pretend I was less skilled.
-Contacts IRL friends of mine and tell them my now husband is "manipulating me". (He was in fact saving me of their toxic influence).
-Steals my art. Lies to me when I demand my art to be removed. Sends me a broken link to a blog. Later I find out they only changed the username and I find my art again used without my permission.
-Steals concepts and characters I created. Lies blatantly about their creation to erase my contribution and real origin.
-Erases my name from collabs.
-Writes a journal on Deviant Art full of blatant lies. When I call out, they say my screenshots are fake.
-Copies drawings from me (and other artists). They get comments like "nice pose", they only say thank you without mention it was referenced-copied.
-I demand those drawings to be deleted or at least, get credited. I'm ignored. The drawings are still there.
-Impersonates me, takes my username and posts stuff with the intention of discredit me. Some allude to things like "how to make fake screenshots" showing that they were aware of their activity and were ready to use that argument against me even knowing it would be false, showing their bad faith.
-Sends me repeated insults, some as tasteless as calling my newborn son "broken condom". Allusions to the fascist dictatorship my country suffered. Calling me lazy for not drawing my comic... The day after I gave birth. And much more. I have screenshots of all of them, so I have proof.
-Accusations of plagiarism. I only took the characters I made and put them in a completely different context. Telling my story is a copy of theirs is like saying Gone with the Wind is a copy of Jurassic Park.
-Accused me of being friends with a person with who I exchanged barely a couple conversations and with which I have no connection at all.
Me:
-Decided to cut a friendship after months of emotional suffering that was affecting my relationship with my husband, my mood, my skills, after I found a "secret blog" full of stuff I feel unable to support, after they told me a thing that was the final red flag I was able to put up after a history of ignoring red flags.
-I decided to choose my own happiness.
-I decided to choose mental health.
-I never insulted.
-I never lied.
-I felt manipulated, with the feeling my only value to them was my drawing skills to be used for their project and my relative popularity in a fandom to help them to get noticed themselves. I had the feeling the only reason they clinged to my friendship was that they would lose the use of my skills. The episode of the stolen drawings confirmed it to me.
-I only asked my stuff to get removed, ready to move on and hoping my characters and concepts won't be used never again. After they lied to me, I decided I earned my right to recover and use what was mine. I even surrendered one of those characters completely as a gesture of good will because they had an attachment to said character.
-I've shown repeatedly actions of good will and hopes of stable terms.
-I deleted my Deviant Art account, that they helped to boost in watchers, in order to not be accused of 'taking advantage' of their action. I haven't had an account on dA ever since.
-I've sent private emails to manage our problems directly. Ignored by them.
-There is no one left on their side who was a witness of our friendship, relationship and exchanges at the time, because I was the only friend they had then -another lie: they said once that I wanted to isolate them so I could be their only friend, totally false because I always encouraged they could search new friends in their area and even helped them actively to set the accomodations for an Erasmus trip. In the opposite, they are who made actions to get me afar from my irl friends and husband so I could focus only on them. They can say whatever they want to the people surrounding them now and be believed because they don't know me at all, never worried about knowing my side, and I don't expect it. My image is at their mercy, and they don't hesitate in using lies. There is nothing I can do against it that doesn't require legal action.
But I guess I'm the baddie, huh.
#sick of shutting up#the only thing I've been doing is to live my life#but I've been suffering and still suffer that person's bad faith and insecurity#a bunch of nice words are useless if it later goes with more wrong actions#i'm sick everybody can say and do whatever they want and I have to be here swallowing and swallowing and living with a broken heart#pretend everything is fine#and being unable to even vent#i just wanna cry#I only wanted to be happy is the only thing I wanted like everybody does#all these years being blamed for searching my happiness#for defending myself#people want me to be their punching ball and stay quiet while being punched and even say sorry because my face is hitting their fist#i'm tired I'm so tired so so fucking tired
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im actually filled with so much fucking rage rn
#i had to cook all the food for thanksgiving and my father fed most of it to the dog#and then called me his mother when i said it wld make him sick and now im having to do all the dishes too#i wanna fucking kill myself or him i didnt do all this to be called smth ive repeatedly asked him not to call me#and now my dog is sick!!!!!! just like i fucking said!!!!!!!!!!#i wanna just start throwing shit u have no idea im so so so pissed off#and even better he was putting the serving spoons in the dogs bowl then back in the food so i have to throw ALL the leftovers out too#i need to kill myself i cant do this#i didnt do all this to be misgendered i need to punch him in the fuckjng face#h.txt
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I need to go for a walk in the woods and never come back and become a forest beast, human society doesn’t deserve me
#it is absolutely fucked up how grief can come back and punch me directly in the face#grief isn’t linear but I thought I was pretty safe in being mad about it#then I started missing something and cried all yesterday afternoon#i feel like I’ve had 9 coffees and I could run so fast I fling myself into the sun#i have not slept much and I am so tired help#anyway I haven’t been here much bc I have nothing cool to talk about but things have been going okay except for this#none of you signed up for this content but it’s what you’re getting!!!#just block my tag if you don’t wanna see it!!#this is eli
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hm. it’s now been a week since i was supposed to see her last shit sucks
#like whatever man#maybe she really didn’t want to come. i’ll prob never know. i really think it was the bf#and it’s like. yr gonna stay with someone that controlling? sigh ig i don’t know for sure#now i think she like hates me or whatever or doesn’t want to see me and i thought that a few times before class but now i won’t know till#august lol and like. i’m prob not gonna be the one to talk to her yk#she’s like. the ball is in her court even just in a friendship way yk i initiated a lot#and she seemed to like talking and hanging out and then completely falls off the face of the earth#if she doesn’t lit have to be in proximity to me so. why am i wasting my time worrying abt her#i mean she chose to hang out after class and stuff and didn’t seem to want to split#but beyond that yk.#it’s like why should i bother if she wants to stay with him and loves him then clearly yk there u go#just because there’s something there doesn’t mean she’s going to or wants to like act on it idk#and like. whatever. ig her best friend wouldn’t talk to me if she like hated me lol#it’s all just so dumb and confusing i don’t get her and prob should just keep my distance#at least until she sorts her shit out#bc. i’ve put myself out there plenty. again even in a simply platonic way#i still kinda wanna punch his face but like. i also don’t hate him ig idk#and like honestly who the fuck were they to even look at me twice for being on my own fucking campus#sorry u think u own this shit just cause idk ur an annoying couple lol#i think. i think i’ve sympathized a lot w her bc i really Really think she’s repressing some shit#not just bc i want her to like be gay with me lol i just do based on talking to her#but that doesn’t rlly give her an excuse to toy around w me like this. like why did i not know he was in the picture till after our last#class. not that i’m entitled to that info but if he’s gonna be mad based on how we interact ? and completely blame me#like. idk did ur gf tell u she didn’t exactly tell me to back off at any point whatsoever#and like maybe i was a dick for not completely backing off after finding out. but i also didn’t like. get as completely flirty as before lol#yk? whatever. i’ll accept where i was maybe an ass about it shdhdhshdhd but i just think it’s shitty#if she’s never gonna have the space to explore other feelings bc. they lit lived in the same building#and were around each other Constantly and she didn’t seem to see her friends much#like it seems so suffocating… not to mention constant texting when they weren’t together#like who am i to judge as an outsider with yk biased intentions ig but like. it’s weird it’s fucking weird
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