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blackhairedjjun · 2 days

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staying afloat - k.th

pairing: kang taehyun x gn reader | genre / tropes: angst, argument -> makeup, implied friends to lovers, office worker!taehyun, the subtlest of love confessions | word count: 899 | warnings: burnout and exhaustion from overwork

part of my 300 followers event (event masterlist)

prompt - HEAT: while engaged in a passionate argument with one another, sender, in the heat of the moment, blurts out “i love you!” to the receiver. think of like, that glorious trope where people have a huge argument and then suddenly sb drops the mic with “because i’m in love with you!” and silences the other person. u know the trope! (requested by anon)

author's notes: HI ANON im sorry this took sooooo long. as i said, this was hard for me to write bc i already did the heat prompt twice before and i didn't want to be too repetitive with the arguments... the argument here is a bit calmer and more one-sided on yn's part but i hope it still works!

“you are running yourself into the ground, taehyun!” you grab his shoulders and give him a little shake. taehyun watches you closely, and you can see the darkening circles under his eyes.

he’s still standing before the threshold of your home, right in front of the door. with just one step he could walk in if you weren’t blocking his way. outside, the night air is so cold that you shivered instantly upon opening the door for him. the sky is dark, with neither moon nor stars, and the only light comes from the fluorescent bulb at the doorway.

“y/n, you’re up working too,” he says. his voice is steady but firm. “you can’t tell me what not to do when you’re also working like this.”

“i’m doing overtime for just one night, for god’s sake. but you 一 you’ve been so busy and tired for what, two weeks? you forget to answer my texts. forget!” you throw your hands up. “and you’ve never forgotten before, not in all the years that i’ve known you.”

taehyun stuffs his hands into his pockets and his gaze flickers away from yours for a second before it returns. though he tries to stand his ground, you notice the soft look in his eyes, laying bare the tiredness and worries weighing down on him.

“well, i’m here now. why won’t you let me make it up to you?”

“because it’s one in the morning and you’ve been staying up late for overtime and extra projects for what, two weeks now? you go home late and you wake up early, your boss dumps all this work on you, and you barely get any time off!” you take a step closer, now fully exiting the warmth of your home, to stand so close to him. “please, taehyun. it’s not that i don’t want to see you, but you’re so, so tired. i can see it in your face.”

you reach out to touch his face, but his expression goes taut and your hand hovers just inches away. he turns away from you before you can scan his eyes for the tired look you saw; a cold breeze blows by, causing both of you to shiver and pushing the bangs away from taehyun’s forehead.

he looks... sadder than what you remember. you remember how easily his face would light up before he took on his new position at his job; he would smile at the smallest of your remarks, his big eyes sparkling like jewels. you thought of the steady stream of texts from him day after day, reminding you to eat or commenting on a silly photo you took, and how that stream soon turned into a trickle. the memories make your body feel heavy.

taehyun says nothing for a few moments and just lets out a sigh. when he looks back at you there’s a pained look that wasn’t there before, and you feel an ache in your chest at the sight.

“y/n, i... i don’t want you to worry about me like this. i can’t... i can take care of myself. please, please just trust me. i hate watching you worry like this.”

“oh, you hate watching me worry?” your tone rises before you even realize it. “and i hate watching you turn into this! you’re exhausted, taehyun. you’re not yourself anymore. i can’t even remember the last time i saw you smile! do you know how much it hurts to see the person you love lose himself like this?”

you tremble in your spot and your words start to trip over themselves. your emotions pile onto each other, keeping you from speaking straight: some anger, yes, but mostly disappointment, worry, loneliness, fear. “i ha一 i hate seeing you like this, taehyunie. i can’t一 i can’t watch一 i love you too much to see this一”

taehyun cuts you off to pull you into a hug. he holds onto you so tightly, as if trying to wrestle you away from the emotions gripping you. one of his hands makes his way through your hair. angry tears prick at your eyes but you relax in his hold, finally letting out a sob.

“i’m sorry,” he says, his hand combing through your hair then rubbing your back. “i know you’re just looking out for me... and you’re right. i am exhausted...”

something shifts and now you feel his full weight on you. now you’re the one holding him, his head moving to rest in the crook of your neck, his shoulders fully slumped. the weeks of exhaustion have finally caught up to him, and you wrap your arms around his waist to prop him up.

“i’m sorry, y/n,” he repeats. “for not... listening to you... for forgetting...”

your hold on him tightens and tears stream down your face, but you manage to speak. “i just don’t want you to hurt yourself...”

neither of you say anything more. taehyun doesn’t let go of you and sinks fully into your touch; despite the chill night air, he’s still warm in your arms. you let your tears fall freely as you keep a firm hold on the friend you love, as if letting go of him means he will sink and drown.

the night is so quiet that the murmur he lets out against your neck still comes out loud and clear.

“i love you too.”

#txt x reader #taehyun x reader #txt x you #taehyun x you #kang taehyun x reader #kpop x reader #txt imagines #kpop imagines #taehyun imagines #txt angst #taehyun angst #tomorrow x together imagines #txt fic #txt fanfic #bhj originals #bhj's 300 follower event 🖤

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iwantyoursexmp3 · 2 months

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most interesting part of andrew ridgeleys whamoir! (wham! memoir) to me is that the most engaging part + the part where he read as the most engaged whilst writing was the bit before anything to do with wham! and was just abt their friendship as kids…..the wham! stuff had interesting details and anecdotes and reflections but it felt just like a quick (sometimes very rushed tbh the pacing felt wayyy off at times) retelling of the wham! story just getting all the basic beats and details fans would want to know….my conclusion is man just really wanted to write about his best friend. good for him

#even the after part there’s like a page and a half about him and the rest is about george #they didn’t lie when they described it as a love letter #I don’t really have any criticisms bc I don’t really like to critique memoirs personally most of the time #I don’t like the idea of applying a critical framework to someone’s telling of their life #definitely a very quick read and I don’t think a lot was put into the structure style pacing etc but based on all that….#I don’t think any of that was the point LOL #it doesn’t make it badly written to me I’m just like okay girl I enjoy you sharing your reminiscing!#my only downside was it reminded me at times that the British guy born in 1963 acts like a British guy born in 1963 #which doesn’t bother me bc I’m good at distancing myself from celebrities as people but it did have me like oh yeah. sometimes #wasn’t a big fan of the wham! in china chapter but tbh from what i vaguely know of andrews politics #we do not align anyway that’s all I’ll say LOL he’s a guy in a band I rly love I like him as an artist 👍 I thought it was a nice tribute 👍

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piplupod · 2 months

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oh wait this is literally just... the majority is Right and True and anyone who deviates from it is Wrong and Unwell. okay. okay. i've experienced this and observed this many times before but this one in particular blindsided me a little because I often forget how much people hate insects because the subject does not come up very often in my physical life

#i do not bring up the fact that i have isopods as pets bc it gets upsetting to hear ppl rant abt how they squish all bugs they see #okay. well. that is my beloved pet actually. who has stopped me from killing myself countless times. so uhm. thanks for that i guess.#i just live in a basement where i come across centipedes and beetles and spiders and earwigs #and i deal with them. catch and release as often as i can #and my mother scoffs at me but she is one person. she is not representative of The Majority of Society #as i often have to remind myself!#my sister is good about it and my dad is good about it so it balances out my mother irt to this specifically #so i forget that like... moooost people are the same as my mother. would laugh at me for doing catch-and-release w insects #would be disturbed or amused by me verbally apologizing to a bug when i have to kill it #anyways this is making it make sense in my head so at least thats smth i guess. it is just another instance of this whole thing #i think i didnt even consider this bc it doesnt feel that serious in my brain. its not like a diagnosis or Obvious Symptom or smth.#but then it makes the counselor laugh at me and tell me that i have to go against my values essentially so . it suddenly Becomes serious #pippen needs 2nd breakfast

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hella1975 · 1 year

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happy eurovison!! do your stretches!!!

babe it's been days since i did my stretches at this point im too scared

#in my defence idk WHAT was going on with my sunday shift bc i only waitressed 7 hours and that's a pretty normal shift for me #like im aware compared to a normal person it would be very difficult to just out of nowhere expect them to be on their feet #walking back and forth the entire length of a restaurant regularly carrying heavy things all the while keeping up ABOVE AND BEYOND socially #for SEVEN ENTIRE HOURS with ZERO BREAK like masking that entire time on top of the 7 hour physical workout #like it's insane if u think about it for more than 2 seconds and im really trying to bc every time i falter i beat the shit out of myself #and like? NO? my job is actually very physically demanding and emotionally draining compared to most people's day-to-day activity #it's gonna have impacts sometimes!#so yeah long story short i finished my shift sunday and when i tell you my legs LOCKED UP in bed that night #like mainly my thighs but it was all in my hips and knees and it was so bad that i lay there until 2am before getting painkillers #bc i couldnt hack it #which is SAYING SOMETHING for me bc im normally both quite good with pain and also a hardass for taking painkillers #ive had that happen once before (again after waitressing lol) & never worried about it but my mum recently got diagnosed with arthritis #and ever since ive been like. Looking at my own joints any time they even HINT at playing up #like i am RENOWNED for inhereting all of my mum's medical shit from mental to physical like i KNOW i'll get it it's just a matter of when #and yeah that was sunday it's now tuesday and my thighs STILL feel bruised #and im like. embarassed about it bc it's not like i did anything spectacular? and idk why it's happening?#yeah idk hiiii rori did u like me ranting about my physical health in ur stretch reminder ask sorry do u still think im hot <3 #ask

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milf-harrington · 1 year

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did you guys know im writing a book? cause it is...not even close to finished <3

#voice of someone who 1. has been writing it for 8 years and still hasn't made it past the first chapter #and 2. never shuts up about it actually #idk i feel like talking about my book but i also feel awkward talking about it on here now that i have a whole sideblog for it #i think i just like telling people about it bc i like to remind myself that eventhough it's not physically written #the whole story exists as a fleshed out thing in my mind #like. i told my family the plot of all three books at a barbecue and it took me an hour and a half to get through everything #<- to be fair i had to explain characters and in-verse history and all that #also i'm technically writing. several books but the nobodies hero series is my BABY #it's my lifes work #no matter what ideas i have or what other projects i start i always come back to keika #anyway #captain speaks

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avatardoggo · 2 years

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,

#so my best friend died this morning and i’m not handling it well i’ve cried 5 times today and i was balling my eyes out in the shower and im #scared to sleep bc ik i’ll have nightmares. and it doesn’t seem real like she’s not dead she can’t be and i didn’t find out first hand her #sister told one of our friends and she texted me and i thought i was hallucinating bc wtfreak and now i feel like crap bc i kept thinking of #her towards the end of august like should i visit her just to tell her how i feel in person and then just leave? but i was scared and worrie #about her rejecting me to my face and now she’s gone and i feel like i didn’t try hard enough to save our friendship and ya she’s in heaven #but she’s not here and and we like all the same things so when i think about the pjo live action or the new solangelo book or atlab or freak #ing anything it just connects to her bc now she won’t be able to see those things like we were so excited to geek out together and now i can #t bc she’s gone and even if she were here she wouldn’t want to be with me and i have school and i want to do well but i can’t focus but i do #nt want to use her death as an excuse and i hate myself bc part of me was her and her favorite color was pink and it became mine too bc it r #reminded me of her and i stopped being her best friend but she never stopped being mine even when she was ignoring me and i was angry at ber #i still loved her and she was the first irl person i told about my SAD and OCD and now she’s gone and my best friend is dead #and she was one of the few people that Knew me yk? like she just got me and i got her and she ignored me and now she’s dead #so ya i’m not ok so if y’all could pray for me that’d be great <3 #vk overshares in the tags

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pepprs · 1 year

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omg mutuals quick vote now on your phones (if u want to lol) bc im incapable of making decisions for myself and i need advice. do i go on this trip yes or no. i have to have a decision in like an hour basically bc if i decide to go i have to start packing

YES:

pros: going on an adventure / change of scenery, getting to be more independent, bonding time w my dad (the only other person from my immediate family going), getting to see family i haven’t seen in years and visiting a place i haven’t been in years, could be fun or relaxing

cons: missing my work besties and the rest of my family at home and all the routines, putting an extra burden on my work besties, not having relaxing time at home, potential covid exposure, not getting much work done during an extremely (and more than expectedly) busy time in part bc of getting carsick while having to work during the EIGHT HOUR CAR RIDE!, having to take time to pack when im already super stressed, becoming even more sleep deprived, not having one on one time w my dad (or myself lol)

NO:

pros: not missing anything at work / home and having disruptions, not being exposed to covid, getting to relax how i want to and stay in my safe ordinary routine without burdening or disrupting myself or others lol

cons: not seeing my family, not going on this adventure, going back on my word that i would go, possibly damaging how my dads side of the family views my siblings and mom and me bc we never participate in any family stuff there lol

so uhhhh… yeah there are a lot more cons for going than anything else. i think what it comes down to is this. i can see my far-away family another time when it’s not so busy and i wouldn’t be missing work or creating extra burdens. i can go on an adventure when it’s more convenient for me. but the timing of this sucks and i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown from stress and sleep deprivation so maybe traveling 8 hours to see family would not be the best idea even if they would look down on me for it. lol

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fleshdyke · 9 months

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absnskaisgbsj

#lost literally one of the best friendships of my life yesterday #i mean it’s been gone for a while i just never had the courage to talk to them about it until yesterday. and that basically confirmed it tbh #they didn’t say i did anything wrong but they also didn’t not say i did anything wrong and i’m v paranoid that i did do smth wrong #like i dont want to talk bad abt any of them bc genuinely i had so much fun with these people and im so glad i got to know them #like when i talked to them they were very dry ig? like not like their usual self at all even when talking to someone they dont know #definitely sounded like they were talking to someone they hated. im trying to tell myself taht its just my anxiety but ummm yeah idk i think #im actually right this time #idk. it just sucks man. im trying to think of what i did wrong bc i just dont know what happened #i think im overanalyzing every interaction i can remember having with these ppl bc i dont even want to entertain the idea that they might #have been bad people all along. i dont want to think that and i dont but idk it feels like an observation about myself that ive made from #the outside in yk. like half of me is feeling the emotional response and the other half is just watching from the outside like im someone #else. and i know this is a normal human thing but its just always weird yk #and then theres the whole awful thing of seeing shit that they would find funny or that reminds me of them. and i also dont know what im #supposed to do when school starts back up again bc we took a lot of the same classes and if i end up in a class with them idk if im supposed #to say hi or just pretend they dont exist or not and i dont want to make the wrong decision so they hate me even more yk #whatever man. it fucking sucks but life goes on. my dog is just chilling in my room rn and i’ll always have her and tia and my brother #rambles #vent

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deus-ex-mona · 2 years

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felt nostalgic, so take this pic that encompasses my entire school life lmao

#really long rambling bc i probably woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something this morning. you’ve been warned—#ngl i’ve never really had any friends since the start of my pathetic life?#and like even if i did get friends，they’d ditch me the first chance they get lmaooooo #i could befriend 2 people independently of each other，only for the two of them to ✨somehow✨ become besties and ditch me… or something #tbh though i’m 10000% okay with being friendless and left alone. i’m more productive when i’m alone!!!#it just gets really annoying when teachers go ‘lol pair up with someone your size (for sports)’ or ‘form your own groups for a project’#bc more often than not，i was the only one who was completely left out of a group lmao #like even the dude ‘leftovers’ would already start moving to group up with each other. it’s just me who’s left out #and the teacher would absolutely refuse to let me do the project by myself >:( and i’d get forced into the leftovers group anyway lol #and it’s not just teachers!! the senior student group leaders during orientation weeks refuse to let me be alone too!! >:((((#i’d just be vibing by myself and the group leaders would sidle up to me and talk to me. like?? why?? there are other loners over there too??#they’d allow the dude loners to remain in peaceful solitude but not me?? it’s not fair!! >:(((#ughhh that reminds me that there was also this guy classmate who refused to leave me alone for some reason #by ‘some reason’ i mean ‘i think he liked me but i can’t be sure bc he was really weird about it???’#like i literally ignored him for over a month and he still tried to get my attention for some reason.#and after that，i’d resorted to telling him ‘dude go away’ and he’d leave for like 1 min，only to return almost immediately ಠ‿ಠ #fun fact: the silent treatment technique never ever works. tried，tested， and failed #but anyway yeah. the pic with arisa was literally me in phys ed class lol #being the only friendless 🐓-less loser in a class with 30 dudes and 11 girls (in total) was fun!#the other girls would pair up with each other and i’d just rot in the corner and write bad fanfics in my mind lol #the only times when i could get a pair were when a single girl was absent for the day lmao #the fact that there were 11 girls made forming groups of 5 for ball games really annoying too.#the other 10 like-biologically gendered people would just split up into 5/5 groups and the leftover’d be me #not that i actually wanted to play or anything. i’d just go ‘i’ll observe as a reserve player from the side!!!’ and it’d work lol #but anyways… yeah. i personally don’t find friendships that necessary to succeed in life? casual acquaintances are good enough for me ig #maybe it was a sign when my friends from my former friend group were making jokes about how i was friendless lmao #i wish i could just completely isolate myself for an entire day… wait no make that an entire week #no texting，no social interactions，✨no worries✨. just me，my cup noodles，and my ✨productivity✨!!!!!!#well! i’m sorry if you actually read all of that… i just needed to get it all off my chest before i erupted like a shaken bottle of soda lol #inedible blubbering

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awek-s-archived · 1 year

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.

#aweks.txt #hate saying this bc it’s exactly what the hate anons from last night were aiming for but I do wanna die a lot rn FJSJFNSN #I always say if smth is justified fair enough and. no matter how ppl wanna keep saying that it wasn’t baseless. it really was #just because you can’t read doesn’t mean the rest of us relate to that too #i thought I was pretty clear but I’m not gna sit there and write out points about everything they said abt me while trying to give my #personal opinion on what I thought abt what they initially said #in their very first message they accused me of hating trans ppl and said ‘fuck you and her’ while going hard w the hate #then accused me of not being trans #then proceeded to weaponise their own identity bc I wasn’t playing into what they wanted me to act like #and I’ve been thinking abt it all night and I reached out to mutuals more educated than me to talk it out and such #people who are ACTUALLY from the communities the anons were claiming to be in #who said that it really was a huge witch hunt just for no reason #i get life is hard for everybody and it sucks but I can’t imagine hating myself so much that I go on anon to tell someone to fuck off and #then say that I’m glad I ruined their day #like that’s just. fucked up esp since you don’t know me #not to mention all the lies they told including that apparently they interact w me all the time which just isn’t true 😭 lol #anyways #all this to vent one final time and say that I’m gonna have anon off indefinitely #and just quietly work on my requests and my interactions with my mutuals :)#and just honestly to remind people that no matter how much you hate someone (in this instance me)#it doesn’t justify making things up about them or putting words in their mouths or generally making it your life mission to make their day #awful and then say you’re proud of it 😵‍💫 like I pity you. sincerely. i hope you find what you’re looking for in life and take a break from #the Internet bc you truly need it #everyone who was nice to me and dmed me I want to say thank you again and I really appreciate all your words

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ko-eko-ev-go-ms · 2 years

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Hate when you realize something was more serious and happened and more specifically that you finally realize it’s something you’re gonna have to process for a while rather than just rapidly move on from, especially when it’s like way after the fact and just blegh

#thoughts #oni talks #oni vents #finally told my friends about what happened with this one person #and I don’t think I processed until now that this is going to be something I need to process probably for a while #which I guess makes sense since it literally just happened or at least was extremely recently but idk when it happened initially I felt like #I had already been through similar before so I thought I processed everything but there’s a specific section that I guess technically #I haven’t been through before? or if I have it was a MUCH smaller time frame And/or I buried in my brain very far down #but idk I told friends about it and they had like a big reaction? and I’m like. oh… was this worse than I thought? it’s also just not like #it’s not mathing in my brain properly. on the bright side finally forced myself to schedule a new therapist appt after the last one ghosted #mainly bc this has been kinda bugging me. I think coz it doesn’t make logical sense my brain can’t quite process it properly? can’t tell if #I’m being mean. I’m pretty sure I’m not? all my friends have a specific stance and even my psych was concerned when I told them in passing.#idk I think I can’t compute that the person was possibly doing harm to me on purpose? my brain is wired to give benefit of the doubt #I think it’s also because in my brain nothing TOO bad happened/experienced worse so it’s like why am I stuck on this?#I know my friends are pretty harshly against the person same with psych but idk? maybe the internet tainted me #coz I experienced too many creepy online people that my standards are skewed? maybe it’s coz they sorta booted themselves out of my life?#idk. maybe it’s also coz they reminded me of other people I know and that makes those other people #and I don’t really know how to compute the connections between people including family? like I even mentioned it to my friends offhand kinda #and they then reacted strongly to that as well and I didn’t really know what to do? bc yeah when you say it like that it does sorta make #certain family creepy. but idk. it’s… I don’t know. I think it’s also coz I mentioned other ppl with bad experiences and my friends reacted #with stuff I also don’t know how to process. it’s hard to process that certain people could have been deliberately trying to harm me?#I don’t really know how to process them. any of them but mainly this person. bc I wanna be fair and not villainize them or be 2 paranoid #I’ve seen how that presents. but at the same time what if they were a villain? or more of one I guess. but then what about the connections?#I’m not good at social stuff and I think that’s also not helping. idk. ppl I consider very neutral had strong reactions in line with the ppl #that I expected reactions from. and that makes me wonder more? but it also makes me worry that I’ve accidentally been unfair and portrayed #them as more of a villain than they are? which is a feeling I’ve had before. I’m very stuck on this experience/person #& it’s hard to even process what damage was done if any and also annoying bc I just wanted it to be straightforward and move on just wanted #to logic my way through it and then move forward but I both can’t logic it and also logically know I have to *feel my feelings* or whatever #keep going back and forth with myself and can’t get answers. I don’t really want to be stuck on it but it keeps coming up and I know #that it won’t stop until I’ve processed it enough to sort things. which is frustrating coz I wanted to use my time for other things but

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theygender · 2 years

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I've gotten so good at recognizing and shutting down PTSD flashbacks that my brain has just moved straight on to "make up a guy to get mad about." Got me out here having traumatic memories about events that did not and will not happen

#like i get distracted and start thinking about random shit and then my brain just goes 'hey wouldn't it be fucked up if this happened'#and then starts playing out a scenario that would in fact be fucked up if it happened #and then i get caught up in it the same way i do a ptsd flashback and have to go through the whole thing as if it was actually happening #until i eventually realize what's going on and have to do the same process of telling myself that it's not really happening #and intentionally redirecting my thoughts to my actual irl surroundings to remind myself of what's real and get out of my own head #the only difference is that with my ptsd flashbacks i KNOW that I'm having a flashback bc my abusers are there #I've trained my brain to recognize that if [redacted] or [redacted] is there I'm having a flashback and i need to practice my coping skills #and it's especially easy for me to tell since most of my flashbacks are about the same handful of events #....so i guess my brain has decided to solve that by creating entirely new scenarios with imaginary people for me to get upset about #it's learned how to get around the censors 😭#rambling

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majoringinsarcasm · 2 months

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Crying. About. Politics.

I try not to think too hard about anything otherwise I’ll lose my mind. And this is not a hopeless post. This is just me saying. I feel like. A lot of people are gonna vote for Trump. From your hardcore republicans to truly normal people who are like well Biden was bad we can survive Trump again. And I think about the policies and laws and regulations that have been Good that aren’t in the big news. And I think about how RIGHT NOW states are banning books and sex ed and queer people just living period. And I think about how if the state of things is this bad Now? What’s it gonna be like under a presidenr who Actively agrees with or will go along with this shit for votes.

“We survived Trump” says the people who are still here. “We can survive another four years” says the people who won’t be pushed to maybe not stick around for that long.

#big sigh #also idk how to tell ppl that ONE the genocide on Gaza should not LAST ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR #that is not what this is talking about #but the man who wanted Mexico to pay for a wall to keep them out of the US AND MEANT IT #I don’t think he would be rallying to save Gaza yall like #am I happy about our system no am I angry at ALL branches that have hindered a ceasefire yes #but you can’t tell me that Trump would care #this is not a ‘pass’ for Biden but a reminder that ppl in congress NOW were brought in back then #and that checks and balances can help and also hinder #there are many red states right now bc ppl either don’t care or they genuinely think it’ll help them #I don’t think I could come out to my coworkers in a way that would be meaningful despite them liking me already #I cannot explain to them why I don’t bind or don’t LOOK TRANS #or worse id be seen as the Acceptable trans bc I Keep It To Myself and go by she her and ma’am #even tho my team lead who I love referred to me as a woman and it upset me more than I thought it would #I’ve been so resigned to cosplaying as cis in public that she her was just a thing I lived with and thought I was ok with #but it turns out not so much #which is great for affirming that I’m not faking it after a decade of self reflection but bad for every other reason #idk it’s not good times so many people are dead when they shouldn’t be and too many people #are FINE with it under the name of stopping terror #but talk to them about domestic terror and they’ll have no idea what you’re talking about #it’s fucking awful awful awful

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mrfoox · 1 year

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Wtf is my fascination with this little freak.... Hes just a dude but I'm so intrigued, I'm tired

#miranda talking shit #Its been two years but i still dont understand him so im guessing thats why #Tbf we didnt become closer until a year ago or something so yeah. But since day one i just felt like it was something with him and now im #Frustrated. Hes literally just a dude. Yet my brain find him so fascinating. I know i in general am very interested in people i like #But this guy man... I think it might be because i can understand him and thus cant predict him? My brain does love a mystery.#I mean i had an fairly intense period of 3-6 months where i was super fascinated by fabian. I still kinda am but now i think #I understand how he works over all so i do not feel the intense need to ask him all kinds of things and analyze? Bc now i have an decent #Idea of how he works. Meanwhile this little freak is almost the opposite of me in everything and i just want to study him. I think in a way #He reminds me of myself at least in the way of 'dealing' with mental problems etc. Or rather my past self. So i want to challenge him to do #It differently. I dont think i have an savior conplex or something when it comes to him bc i do basically not... Tell him to change?#I dont think i could change him. So thats not what my fascination comes from... But holy shit i just want to talk with him about everything #Also probably why i like him that he will answer any questions i ask. No topic has been bad or too weird and i appriciate that in others #But nah. Never been this intrested in someone whos this diffrent than me ever. I always need to have something major in common for a strong #Intrest. But here its like... We are both introverts ... And both social actors/pretenders... Otherwise our similarities are pretty small #I really wish i knew exactly why my brain is so intrested in him . I think its my hyperfixation being activated unfortunately.#Technically he have a lot of things/traits i dont like? But still i dont find him annoying or something?#Many things i dont agree or have the same opinion as him on. But i just find it refreshing ? Maybe its bc i basically havent known anyone #Like him. Hes not the type of person i attract or even put my time into i think. That's why ive told him we'd not be friends if we didn't #Meet this way. I would probably not have wanted to talk to him and i cant see him wanting to talk to me. Especially if we met when younger #No way teen Miranda would not go near him iajdjfjskskd id like to discuss this with him but im scared to scare him and scared to learn #Something bad or him not caring for me or something. I know he doesnt care about many things so id not be suprised but #Fuck this guy. I wamt to obsess over a video game instead where there are wikis to read /:

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noxtivagus · 2 years

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I HAVE WRITTEN SO MUCH IN MY NOTES IN THE PAST HOUR OH MY of today n then to-do dump n other stuff too 🫣

#🌙.rambles #i write my answers for asks in my notes like i'm writing my first draft for an essay 😭😭 tbf writing long stuff here on tumblr is like #writing letters to me. i love it so so much. i ended up ranting in my to-do list though cries. that said tho.... one thing i wrote here tha #i want to ramble about in tags. thinking abt college since some relatives asked earlier. since i'm aiming to head into top unis here yh #not gna have my close friends to be in school w which makes me a bit sad 🥹 but god i'd love to one day experience studying w friends #at houses or cafes or libraries. one thing i'm excited abt growing up is having more freedom in going out w people #also thinking abt how i love childhood friends to lovers so. i want my own in a way. but ion have ^ that r potential love interests tho so #friends i have in hs are what i'd next ideally like if it were possible. cries that would be my ideal type bcs i love the idea of #growing up together in these somewhat vulnerable stages i think. we're all learning so much n so young. but nah not gna happen most likely #wna reconnect w my old friends to keep contact n widen my circle. more friends. friend groups. i'm not the most social person esp irl but #i think for most of my life i've had inconsistent friendships so it's gotten lonely? closest friends r kinda drifting away as we grow older #n w everything in the present i think i'm afraid of being left behind. i wish i cld open up. be more honest and less hesitant w reaching ou #i know what i want n i'm just afraid to seek it out directly but. anxiety. i don't want to be a bother but i rlly crave #deep and authentic relationships. i'd really seek them out but maybe the inner child in me can't really let that guard down yet ?#deep down i think i'm afraid of being hurt again n left behind. forgotten. (don't leave me behind. please stay with me. tell me it's real)#there's so much i don't want to forget. so much i want to hold unto. so much i want to do. that keeps me going. i want to learn so much #listening to kingdom hearts right now is making me emotional.... now that i'm growing older i want to do so much more #was nearly crying while writing this in my notes because it hurts so much and i think i'm so so afraid #love... whether it be familial or platonic. one day romantic too. goddamn listening to don't think twice reminds me of my young dreamer sel #& love for life as a whole n myself too. i want to keep my childhood. i'll have what i can. do what i can. ffs life's too short so #i'll reach out more. even if i get anxious embarrassed shy / i need to actively challenge that. even if i'm afraid. face my fears #like goddamn i want to open up i want to be honest. i'm not embarrassed by my emotions bcs it's human. but i just can't #i'll do it all. i really will. life goes by far too fast and i don't want to lose all of this. so i need to be stronger. better #but simultaneously i just want to rest n idk be a kid again and stop thinking and worrying so much #adolescence.... holding unto my childhood while also making steps towards adulthood. n i'm so afraid but i know it'll be alright #so long as i trust myself ? i know a lot of pain. i'm certain that i'm capable. but. ffs. tears in my eyes. (i'm afraid. i'm so afraid aren #sorry for the rant i just realized again n. yk i'm human n that's something i need to be constantly reminded of #spending time with people and indulging in my passions give me life but. the former is so fleeting n i'm afraid of being left alone #the latter is so hard when time's going far too fast and it feels like i can't keep up with it all #'don't think twice' : 'if you want to make it happen/ nothing's impossible / all you gotta do is say the word/ the walls will crumble'

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soulemissary · 2 years

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man. i've tried to tell her too that i don't want to be mothered or taken care of in the way that she is trying to do, because 1. she forces it on me and 2. her way of doing that is so frequently damaging to me that it is not helpful.

#wandertext ♡#i get uncomfortable being in the same room as her being treated like im her patient or some shit is even worse #not to mention them fucking hounding me abt my nic addiction. if y'all think that's the way to help people when they're struggling #then it is no surprise that you have no self awareness and have not come far in your own recovery.#the constant trauma projection onto me is incredibly taxing. it is not my responsibility to build myself in such a way #that i do not remind you of anyone. it is my responsibility to check my behavior and recognize when it's my actions that hurt them #or their perceptions of the situation.#it's not my job to fix your loneliness or self doubt. i have enough going on in my own day to day life #and i never agreed to be your in home therapist. now let me live for god's sake #i get into anger spirals whenever she says anything to me now and that's not healthy either. i'm not entirely sure what to do #i can't confront her bc the last time someone in this house confronted her about her behavior (albeit badly) she kicked them out lmfao #so i'm just kind of. dealing with being her emotional punching bag or whatever until we can move #it's not as bad as it used to be i suppose. but i wish i could just tell her we are roommates not family #and that bc of her behavior we're not friends either. we just live together that is the extent of our relationship

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