#i take bus money with me and so i can't spend on food even if i'm craving it
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more zayn and y/n moments?? i feel like they have the most adorable friendship everrr ❤️❤️❤️
love your work ❤️🔥
oh there's so many!
So you all know when the band first started, all Zayn would say is Vas Happening?! Well, YN's thing was always saying Aye Oh!
So whenever the cameras would point to them during their fetus era, he would throw an arm over her shoulder and they'd just yell their sayings super duper loudly while making a funny face.
...
During the band's third tour, the two of them would spend some time with their vocal coach in one of the smaller green rooms to go over their harmonies together.
The song they loved to perform together was Right Now because they shared the chorus.
So when they would hit those harmonies perfectly (like they always did), they would give each other a nod of approval, a smug look on their faces before giving each other a high five.
...
YN knew that while he usually presented himself with a hard exterior, she knew that he was a soft teddy bear once you got to know him. One of the activities that she would partake in with him was art. She knew she was shit at it, but she also knew that he loved it.
So during the long rides on the tour bus crossing from one city to another, sitting next to each other during an album signing/meet & greet, or stuck in their hotel rooms, she'd be there with a piece of paper and some type of writing utensil for them to draw whatever came to mind.
There was even an interview in 2014 when they were doing for their new book "Who We Are" where Zayn spent the majority of the time drawing on YN's arm. With a ball point pen, the beautiful mandalas he drew on her skin left her beaming and utterly speechless.
...
There's no denying the fact that those two were the most fashionable members of the band. With Zayn's cool, suave, bad boy style and YN's good girl aesthetic, photoshoots with them were easy and right on the money.
...
For the Night Changes music video, YN was the stand-in for basically all of the boys (except Liam who actually had his girlfriend on set). With each date, she took on the role with some seriousness, acting as if the boys were really taking her on a date.
For Zayn's part, YN actually dressed in a formal black dress to really get into character.
Needless to say, she really got a kick out of making her usually quiet band member laugh throughout the shoot. Like when Ben Winston directed him to offer her some of his spaghetti, she let out a playful sigh of relief, "Yes please. Do you see the sad fookin' excuse of a salad they gave meh?"
Or when her "ex-boyfriend" interrupted her date with Zayn, she actually played along and had an argument with him with a fake backstory she made up: "Johnathan?! What are yeh doing here? I told you to leave me alone. No, I'm over you. No. I'm sorry but I just can't listen to you rant about your Barbie doll collection any longer!"
And when the ex-boyfriend dumps the food on Zayn, as soon as the director yelled cut!, YN quickly got up from her seat and got all up in the building of a man's face (really his chest from how tall the actor was) and says with a deep voice, "the fook man!" But her facade lasted all but 2 seconds before her and everyone just burst out laughing.
...
Since the band's formation, Zayn always had and continues to have a soft spot for YN.
He still views her as a little sister and while they don't talk as much as they used to during their time in 1D, there's not a single birthday, holiday, anniversary, etc. that hasn't gone by without a text between the former band members.
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ALL TUMBLR PPL PLEASE REPOST THIS ANYWHERE U CAN! THERE NEEDS TO BE MORE PROTESTS ABT THIS BC IT'S PRIDE! This can't go on for any longer. TW: p0l1c3, h0m0ph0b14, tr4nsph0b14
youtube
Qween Jean, a Black and Trans community leader was arrested at a PEACEFUL march for Trans Liberation on May 31st, 2023. AS SOON AS THEY GOT THERE there was lots of police and they arrested Qween Jean.
I'm not sure if she's out yet as I can't find info on tht. On instagram it says to bail support at 7th precinct 191/2 Pitt St, New York, NY, 10002
This can't keep happening, there needs to be nationwide peaceful protests abt this!! Demonstrations need to be everywhere!!!! IT HAS BEEN 53 YEARS SINCE THE FIRST PRIDE PROTEST! I say protest bc PRIDE STARTED AS A PROTEST! It can ONLY be a parade when we truly get our rights. We can't celebrate until we see our victory. Like, our victory is in the bag bc good ALWAYS wins but we need to take ACTION!
ALSO, ANOTHER THING! NOTE HOW WHEN THE NYPD GOT KICKED OUTTA PRIDE, THEY STARTED ARRESTING AND STUFF! If they actually cared they would let this go on. They would actually do smth and hold their own protests for police brutality and etc to stop. Ik there are good police out there who are actually helping out the communities but lets be honest, the system is screwed up. There is far too much corruption. You KNOW it's bad when even little kids are scared of the police! No, not bc they may look intimidating. But because they are literally scared for their life. Same thing with guns. I was walking home from the bus stop when I was in like 6th or 7th (i forgot) and I thought I saw a gun in someone's car tht was parked in front of me and I was scared to the bone. Thankfully it wasn't a gun, it was smth else.
Anyways I'm getting kinda off topic. But yk what I mean right? (if u got any questions, do ask, my dm's and comments are always open! ^w^)
I'm just so sick tht the stuff tht should be in HISTORY BOOKS is happening right in front of my eyes. Like there have been sm protests and stuff against this for FAR, FAR longer than I have been alive!!! (Ik im only 16 but still this is a srs outrage)
It srsly sucks that this is the world I gotta grow up in.
SO THAT'S WHY WE GOTTA CHANGE IT!
Any action u do can help the world change fod the better. Never miss an opportunity to do good! (big or "small")
SOOO! If u can, go to a local protest! Try to put ur community first, yk? Also, reblog this post and spread awareness about these kinda issues. I'd love to go to a protest buttt I do not have supportive parents and I don't have a car. ALSO, remember tht every act of kindness counts. And dont just keep it to ur friends. Support good local businesses, give compliments to everyone u meet, cheer ppl up, listen to others, donate to GOOD, TRUSTWORTHY charities, do NOT give canned food to food banks bc they need actual food, so give them money, and give homeless ppl money too yk? Ppl are like "WHAT IF THEY SPEND IT ON DRUGS AND STUFF?" Well ofc yea tht's a possibility but who says they won't spend it on what they need? Yk? Basically be a good person, support queer ppl and poc ppl, etc. The world needs sm more kindness. People say "HAH friendship, love, and kindness is such a simple concept tht's not needed". The fact tht it's simple says everything. If we had more of tht, all these issues would cease to exist.
Also, another thing:
PROTEST SAFETY RULES!!
Take water and stay hydrated! If someone doesn't have water and u have some to spare, waterfall it.
Keep face masks and switch your phone to airplane mode. This is a surveillance country. They know how to find you. And if u take pics, make sure tht ur location is extremely hard to pinpoint.
If a police officer arrests u, know ur miranda rights and STAY SILENT AND BE CALM! They will use what they can to take it against u. You have to think a stairway ahead of them. They can't say anything if u don't say anything! And justice will be served so dw, God's with you. Also, yes u can say ur manners like thank you and excuse me.
Again, please repost this everywhere u can.
Remember,God loves u ALL, no ifs ands or buts. ACAB and love is love. Trans rights are HUMAN RIGHTS!!!!!
You matter and the right to speak and protest is a human right. This is our world and we have the power to change it!
(also please tell me if I got anything wrong in this post)
#acab#pride parade#lgbt pride#poc alt#queer poc#people of color#queer tumblr#queer community#mogai#very important#please reblog#rawring 20s#scene revival#scenecore#scene kid#scene#rawr means i love you in dinosaur#rawring twenties#all cops are bastards#this is america#america#the usa#the right to speak#protests#current events#injustice#safety#protest#take action#activism
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Okay, I reached the part where the boys are fighting for you to choose what dorm is the best, and you are right! It made me giggle for such a dumb reason. I think what sold it to me was that Jamil was also seeking your "approval".
Another thing that I have to point, is Ace's comment about how remote the Sage's Island is. He said, and quote:
"They have to take a train from the nearest airport, transfer to a bus, broad a ferry, transfer to ANOTHER ferry, then another bus... Anyway, the point is, getting to Sage's island is a chore and a half!"
Okay... and let's remember in Scarabia book how both Ace and Deuce came to our rescue... Did they really spend all of the money that transportation alone takes, food expenses and I suspect they had to stay somewhere for the night if we take into account that you send the text half-way the book and from there three or two days pass for them to arrive at the end.
All of that, just to attend a call of you being trapped in Scarabia? It could mean anything! Unless they spoke with the other and took time to decided if this was an emergency. Although, I have the slight suspicion they went on their own, just to find the other at the airport like the Spiderman meme 😂
Don't forget how our Twisted Wonderland boys are: unless it benefits them, then they won't help, or ask something in return. But they didn't ask for anything...
Our duo seems to be quite attached to us :^)
That part caught me by surprise because it really did feel like a moment in a harem plot! I just love how invested the three of them are in getting the player's approval of their dorm.
YES!!! When he was saying that, I was just :o the entire time. It really is such a remote location. If you ever wanted to escape your twst yandere from either NRC or RSA you'd have to go through so many transportations, and that's only if you can even make it out of the campus. ^^;;;
I have to hand it to Ace and Deuce. To go through all of that trouble while not knowing the severity or the entire context of being trapped in Scarabia... True friends right there. :D I love imagining both of them in the airport because you know they'd try to deny their real reasons for coming back early. And then they realize they're going back for your sake and it becomes clear that they really do share the same brain cell.
Aaaa you're right! No one does anything just to be kind (unless they're Kalim). The characters can't even refer to each other as friends even though what they all have is an obvious friendship, so good, selfless deeds are rare lol. Ace and Deuce really do care quite a lot to do that knowing that it won't benefit them. The besties were worried. <3
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1191.
Questions about random places
A themed survey by Guia from scyphozoan
WHERE YOU LIVE:
1) What are the best and worst things about your neighborhood?
>> The best thing is that there are multiple stores within walking distance, and the bus stops are plentiful. There are also at least 2 parks within walking distance, and a lot of people have gardens and sometimes fun lawn/porch decor. The worst thing is that it's an urban neighbourhood and therefore subject to urban noise levels.
2) If someone gave you an extra $5,000 for your house and only your house, how would you spend it?
>> This confuses me for several reasons. I don't own this house, "extra" in addition to what, where am I going to live...
3) If someone outside of your town or city visits you for the first time, where would you take them out to?
>> I think that would depend on what they're interested in, what they want to see and do. I would be a poor host if I just subjected them to stuff I like.
4) If you had to order a quick takeaway for dinner, where would you go to?
>> Uhh... I don't know, really. I think that'd depend on how much money I have and what I was in the mood for. Takeaway isn't at all a frequent thing for me, I don't have a ready answer.
5) What’s a random fact about where you live?
>> I don't know any random facts, I don't think. I must admit to not being terribly interested in this city.
THE LAST HOUSE YOU VISITED THAT WAS NOT YOUR OWN:
6) Whose house was it?
>> Sparrow's parents' house.
7) Why did you visit and how long did you stay?
>> It was Easter. About 4 hours.
8) What do you think about this person’s house?
>> I have spent way more time inside it than I would ever want to. I don't have any real opinion about it as a location, I just am quite weary of it being a fixture in my life.
9) If you can take or copy something from their house, what would it be?
>> I don't want a single thing from that house.
10) What about their house would make it difficult for you to live there if you had to?
>> I did live there, and what really made it difficult was the fact that it wasn't a space I had any control in, and I had to live with people I don't even like. Also, the bedroom I occupied was in the basement and I'm not really the basement-dwelling type, I need sunlight in my room and shit.
THE LAST RESTAURANT YOU ATE AT:
11) What is the name of the restaurant, and what kind of cuisine do they serve?
>> Uhhhh... was it King Pot? I think King Pot was the last restaurant I was at. They serve hot pot and Korean BBQ.
12) How did you first find out about this restaurant, and what triggered you to try it?
>> I don't remember how I found out about it, and I tried it because I love Korean food and fortunately Sparrow's family agreed to take us there for Sparrow's birthday.
13) What did you order and how would you rate it?
>> I can't possibly remember all the specific things I ordered, such is the nature of hot pot. I rate it pretty highly, it was delicious.
14) What do you like best about this place? What about it could be improved?
>> I don't have any notes. It was just good.
15) Would you go back? If so, what would you order the next time you do? If not, where or what would have been a better option than going there?
>> Sure, I'd go again.
THE LAST PLACE YOU VISITED THAT WAS MORE THAN 45 MINUTES AWAY FROM YOUR HOME:
16) Where did you go and what did you do there?
>> Hmm... really testing the limits of my memory here. Uh... oh, it might have been Lansing. Went to Lansing on Christmas because Sparrow's family's Christmas dinner was being held at their sister's house.
17) How did you get to this place? How comfortable was the trip?
>> Sparrow drove us. The trip was fine, it was like an hour and a half or something.
18) What about this area do you wish exists in or applies to where you live?
>> They do have the superior Horrock's over there. Also they have this banger pizza place that I can't remember the name of but I think about constantly.
19) Do you know anyone who lives in this area?
>> Yeah, the people we went to visit.
20) If you had to live in this area, what kind of housing arrangement would you choose?
>> I don't want to live in Lansing. If I had to live anywhere in Michigan, I'd choose Detroit. Otherwise, send me south. Or west. Hell, east. Anywhere but north, I guess, lmao.
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Maybe it's because I'm a product of my time and place, idk, but sometimes the anti-car posts I see come across my feed get to me in a silly and purely emotional way. Because as much as I love the idea of implementing better public transit, both for the sake of the environment and for the impact it would have on citizen's wallets, I actually know that I personally would almost never use it.
Both for practical reasons, since my work covers an extremely broad area and I frequently drive over a hundred miles each way to and from work in a day, but also because my car is a part of my support system. It's a marker of my independence and ability to care for and provide for myself in spite of the fact that I can't live on my own. It's a safe space that belongs to me and isn't limited by someone else's ownership or control over that space. I bought it with my money, and I pay all the insurance and gas and repair costs. When I'm exhausted and feel alone and trapped I can literally just get in and go anywhere, and I don't have to worry about having a panic attack because someone can see me or hear me breathing or be annoyed that I'm taking up space, because it's my space and only mine alone. Sometimes that means driving around the block to the local park, sometimes that means going two or three miles to a grocery store, and sometimes that means picking a road and just driving in a straight line until I feel less crazy again, but none of that would be possible without my car.
I used to walk 20k+ steps in a day, and when I could do that maybe I could go on a walk to clear my head instead, but for the last three years going more than 3k steps in a single day means I have to spend the next day in bed recovering.
And yes, driving-- especially driving stick, which I prefer massively over automatic-- has its own toll. Today I wasn't able to drive the four hours each way it takes to go visit my brother at school like I had hoped because I drove two hours each way to work yesterday.
But because I spent yesterday driving, I got to spend today getting things done that I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Today I walked around the kitchen to make myself food. I worked on daily tasks like cleaning and organizing, hell, I ate more than one meal today because I could actually get out of bed to do so. I can't do that on a day after I've had to walk around a lot.
If I lived in one of the "walkable" communities that have been cropping up all over my area, I would need to get myself a wheelchair to achieve the same level of independence I currently have, and likely still have less of it because I would need to plan around a whole different kind of fatigue from buying groceries or spending time with friends than I currently deal with. Driving five minutes to the store and spending a thousand steps there leaves me with more steps for things like showering and making dinner than walking five minutes to the store would, and that's so important to me. It's necessary in order for me to have the quality of life that I do, even as limited as I am by my body. I may not be able to work full time, but at least I can spend three days of my week doing a job that I love and value because I don't have to plan around distance from bus stops or adding public transit time to my already-fucked sleep schedule.
I don't know. Mostly I think I get a little bit tired of the posts that spend so much time denouncing the evils of personal cars and declaring that we have to replace them with public transit because I honestly think that ideally, we ought to plan for both. Public transit works really well for people living close together who don't go very far, and that needs to be supported better than it is in most places at present. It's also really good for people who need to go relatively far away at predictable and plannable times. But we shouldn't dismiss cars wholesale as evil; we need to try to strike a balance, for the sake of those whose lives or jobs aren't predictable and plannable, and for those who don't or can't live in communities structured for "walkability."
#rick's rambles#rick’s originals#chronic pain#public transit#public transport woes#personal transit has a very important place in my heart#part of me feels like this might qualify as an unpopular opinion#if only because of the kind of opinions I typically see on my dash#but also maybe not#walkable cities#are all well and good for those who can walk#or stand#or be upright for a number of hours not limited by their health#i've had to navigate a few of them for work on occasion#and i've never felt more disabled more consistently than when trying to get around walkable infrastructure
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shit outburst
the title is quite explicit and self-explanatory, shitty moment and only here do I feel safe enough to expose my miserable and deplorable situation
this is going to be kind of sad so don't read it if it will make you feel uncomfortable or feel sorry for me, I don't want anyone's pity, I just want peace to keep going through this jungle I face every day
we start with my deplorable situation in every angle of my life, there isn't one where I'm really good or worthy of looking at and thinking "I'm doing fine". but well, I've been trying, really trying lmao.
well, I got a college internship, but my college is full of antics and required a minimum of credit to do the internship. I obviously hadn't. difficult situation, I had to lock up before due to serious personal problems. so I signed a letter committing myself to having all the credits at the end of the term.
friends, it was like two subjects, I had signed up for five, but life is like taking the wrong bus and only realizing it after a long time. I live like a long way from both (college and internship), it's 3 long hours standing on the bus.
At first, I thought I could reconcile, but damn, it was impossible. within a month I was sleeping 4 hours a day and it BROKE me. so I thought "I'm going to stop trying to take all of them", let's just say they were tough teachers, who really charge, they give a lot of work and the test is hell, to only go to the ones I had a better chance of passing.
But then again, life is UNPREDICTABLE.
I live in a favela/community, which means I can't go in and out whenever I want, there are times when there's a police operation, shooting, bombing and that prevents me from going, I can't risk my life, can I? if I'm suicidal yes (which I think a lot lately, by the way).
so, let's say that in one of the two subjects that I was SURE I would pass, I didn't miss it, even though I had the 2nd highest average in the class, hahahaajajah fuck me, I studied 6 hours straight for weeks to fulfill the workload of the contents that I missed due to circumstances BIGGER than myself. it was like 3 more absences, justified, 3 more absences that made me despair now.
my internship depends on these subjects, but only on that subject, as well as my college, because as I said, I live far away and it is impossible to maintain myself in it (even if it is public) if I don't work, it is unfeasible, I spend a lot, like A LOT of money (and look, I have a ticket that guarantees me 4 free bus trips). and like, my college offers some allowances like permanence (housing), food, passage, but apparently I'm not miserable enough.
you have no idea how I've been fighting, how I've been trying. I tried so hard, really.
in that same class that I failed, I went through some situations that made me question my sanity would it be worth taking risks to try to progress a little academically and financially.
like, are we in 2023? yes, i'm fat. yes, my hair gets frizzy. yes, I look defeated, I wake up at 4:50 in the morning and come back at 10/11. Being bullied and being told about things I already know is exhausting. but I thought, I can get through this, it's only one semester, I'll get rid of them and then I'll continue to do well in my internship.
but BAMMMMM 3 punch I take.
Is nothing I do enough? my maximum is not enough? Will you have to destroy me so I can get some kind of mercy
and I even forgot to mention, but from trying so hard to reconcile, from giving so much to do well in all areas, I acquired an autoimmune disease!!!
the name is psoriasis, and it was enough to destroy the only high point in my life, which was my self-esteem.
Now I don't even feel pretty anymore I have the right, apparently.
So, I would like to know if it's worth living like this? if God only gives burdens we are able to bear, I have news.
Today I already cried a lot, people. I already had thoughts like I haven't had since 2015, when I was massively bullied, lived in isolation and thought about throwing myself on the avenue every day before going to school.
and fuck, that's a fucking comeback.
I could say that I thought about taking all the pills I have to sleep here at home, which I have because psoriasis wouldn't let me sleep at night. but come on, I'm not brave enough.
I'm not miserable enough. I'm not hardworking enough. and the worst, I'm not brave enough.
just a complete failure on all counts.
and damn, I was starting to do so well on the stage. I'm like 3 months away, but I've finally been able to start to come out of my shell and engage with colleagues in the department. everyone is so nice. it's going to be so hard if I extend it until the contract time (6 months) and then have to say goodbye when I'm attached to them.
I'm kind of social and introspective, so it wasn't easy to make progress at first. but I was walking.
and now i'm falling. again.
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No Place Like Home
another Daniel/Armand fic. Read it below or here
Daniel is delirious.
He can't remember the last time he ate. Wait, he can. It had been a hot dog from some street vendor, with the last few bucks he has in his pocket nearly two days ago. He hasn't got any more money. He was kicked out of the hotel yesterday morning for not being able to pay. He knows he has money somewhere, but he can't remember where. It's hard to remember things. Armand always took care of everything so he didn't have to.
But Armand is a thousand miles away on their private island.
He thinks sometimes Armand ruined him for the rest of the world. How can he survive now, with all these ordinary people and their ordinary lives? How, when he knows the extraordinary is out there, just a phone call away?
He's so tired and hungry he feels faint. He should get something to drink. He needs water. He can't remember the last time he drank anything that didn't have alcohol in it. Daniel wishes he had some liqueur now; he's so cold, it would warm him up.
His thin tee shirt does nothing to protect the from the chilly fall air. He had a jacket, but he had taken it off on the bus a few days ago. He fell asleep with it beside him and woke with it gone. He figures whoever stole probably needs it more than him. If Armand were here, he'd go buy him another. Armand handles things like that. Armand makes life easy.
Armand says getting money is simple. Then again, Armand can read people's minds so he has an unfair advantage.
Fuck, but Daniel would kill for a cigarette. He'd ask to bum one from somebody, but he knows he looks a mess. No one's gonna give out smokes to a vagabond. Not that it matters, it's nearly three in the morning. Everyone is asleep.
But it's Chicago; didn't he and Armand once have an apartment in Chicago? It may still be leased in Daniel's name. If only he could remember the way there.
Daniel wonders if he can beg a quarter off someone to make a call. There has to be some other night owl out and about. He could call and Armand would send one of the planes. Daniel hoped for the one with the bedroom, so he could sleep.
He's so cold and so tired.
Daniel finds a payphone. Remembers he can call collect. His fingers are numb and he's shaking so badly he drops the receiver. It's a small thing, but it causes him to burst into tears.
When he bends to pick it up, the world spins. Daniel has to grab unto the phone booth to stay upright. He manages to make the call and soon hears Armand's rich voice “Hello,”
Daniel weeps, unable to form words. He tries, but he keeps hiccuping.
“Daniel?”
Daniel nods, but realizes Armand can't see him. He takes a breath and calms down enough to reply “I wanna come home.”
“Of course, Daniel.”
Daniel sniffles. “Are you mad at me? For leaving?”
“Don't worry about that, beloved. I'll have you home soon. Now listen to me...”
Armand calmly and coolly explains that he's getting a room set up at a hotel for Daniel where he can shower and order room service. Perhaps even nap. The driver will fetch him and take him to the airport when the plane arrives.
Daniel is shown to his room as soon as he arrives at the hotel. There's already food waiting for him. Armand's ordered enough to feed three people. Daniel eats enough for two. He spends ages in the shower, washing off the grime. He wears the hotel bathrobe when he's finished. His clothes are disgusting. He crawls into bed wearing only it, and is woken a few hours later by a knock on the door.
Daniel doesn't recognize the man whose waiting outside, but he recognizes him. “Mr. Molloy, I'm to take you to the airport.”
The man, a middle age fellow with graying hair and laugh lines, looks him up and down. “Would you like me to purchase you some fresh clothes from the gift shop? They have sweat pants and tee shirts.”
Fresh clothes sound heavenly. A few minutes later Daniel is in gray sweats, a tee and a hoodie. The name of the hotel is emblazoned across the hoodie and up one leg of the sweats. Not his most fashionable look, but he's warm.
He falls back asleep in the car to the airport. When they board the train, Daniel is happy to see it's the one with the bedroom. He loves that plane, with it's velvet cushions and lace curtains.
It's nearing ten by the time they reach Night Island. Armand isn't waiting for him, but he's probably asleep. Daniel is shown to his room by another nameless servant. He collapses into bed and passes out.
Daniel isn't sure how long he sleeps, but he wakes to cool hands touching his face. He blinks open his eyes and sees Armand looking down at him. “What time is it?” Daniel slurs, still half asleep.
“Nearing six.”
Daniel tugs Armand's wrist. Armand understands what he's asking and slides into the bed next to him. Daniel immediately wraps his arms around him and buries his face in his chest. “You ate yet?”
“I wanted to see you first.”
“Mm, feed from me,” Daniel says. He misses the feel of Armand's fangs in his skin.
“Not now, my love. You're too weak.”
Daniel frowns. “Not fair.”
Armand's fingers grip his chin and turn his head up. “When you've rested, we'll talk about it.”
“Then kiss me, I've missed you,” Daniel demands. He hopes he doesn't sound like a child.
Armand gently releases him. “When you're back to full strength.”
Daniel whines. “Just one kiss.”
“Nothing is ever 'just one' with you,” says Armand, but he sounds fond.
“Come on, baby. It's been weeks.”
“Whose fault is that?” Armand says and Daniel wants to argue, remind Armand that he said some cruel things last time they fought. But mostly he just wants Armand to kiss him and tell him he's happy to see him.
Armand smiles and leans in to press the briefest of kisses to Daniel's eager mouth. “I'm happy to see you.”
Daniel grins at him. “You poking around my head?”
“You're thinking loudly.”
Daniel yawns. “I'm sleepy.”
“Then go to sleep.”
He shakes his head. “Don't wanna. I wanna be with you.”
Armand is clever enough to see where this is going. “Shall I stay with you?”
“That'd be nice.”
Armand runs a hand through his hair. Daniel presses into it like a cat. Armand dips down and kisses Daniel on the cheek. “Go to sleep, Daniel.”
Daniel barely closes his eyes before he falls asleep. There really is no place like home.
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Dun Huang Plaza, my beloved, land of a dozen bobas, my heart and stomach rejoice to visit thee.
I'm pretty convinced you can't make a wrong choice even on purpose when it comes to food or drinks in this section of Bellaire, and most of the shops are open late (in Houston, "open late" means "open past 8PM on a Friday.") Some are even open past midnight on weekends, something which would have overjoyed me in the timeline where I moved to the Bellaire area at some point and also COVID had never happened. Lots of cozy-looking seating and plentiful outlets that would have made great study/writing/etc camp-out spots for my friends and me in a world that hadn't surrendered everyone's bodies to the unchallenged tyrannical rule of King Plague. As it stands now, I go to places as early as possible to avoid crowds, and the tradeoff of all of these places being open late is that (with the exception of the Great Wall Supermarket) they all open at or after 11AM. So I got there at 11:30ish, and will honestly probably go earlier next time.
I got the most succulent karaage I've ever had in my life, a peach oolong boba that I probably should have cut the sweetness level to 0% for but was still very good, and enjoyed both at some of the only freely-usable outdoor benches in the Greater Houston Area (disgustingly sponsored by Shein, but sitting there to eat my food doesn't materially benefit or endorse them, so a bench is a bench.) Then I stocked up on treats for my household at the supermarket before getting the bus home. The trip takes an hour each way, but as long as nothing too disruptive is happening on whatever bus I'm on, it's my PTerry Reading Ferry. If anything, it's a good way to ensure some mandatory reading time at least once a week.
On that note, I am trying to get out of my neighborhood at least once a week; I don't always go to the same place, but the trajectory is usually about an hour each way. My trips aren't always what I'd call successful (last week's visit to Diho Square resulted in me eating my lunch on the ground because there's not so much as a slightly elevated curb to be had for seating outside any of the several food places there), and I spend more money than is likely prudent given the material reality we live in, but it's helpful to get out of the apartment and have a shot in hell of clearing my head and maybe even having a small positive experience once in a while. Goddammit I'm trying anyway.
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Self-Harm in Unexpected Places
I recently had "No Spend November." I committed not to buy anything I didn't truly need -- whether it be contingency shampoo (in case pandemic-level supply chain issues arose), an intriguing Costco product (that might turn out to be a dud), or more adult clothes (a several-years-long journey I've been on to make my wardrobe more "capsule"). I wanted to see the rewards of my own self-discipline.
This idea started because I had read a magazine article about the importance of having money goals. I've only ever had nebulous money goals and I liked the idea of feeling like I was saving money toward a defined purpose. I picked a very large purpose: remodeling my "nice but not functional for someone who cooks a lot" kitchen. If I saved $100 per month, then by the end of the year, I'd be $1200 closer to my goal. But if I saved $1200 in one month, I'd be closer to my goal even faster! So, I set about saving.
I told my husband my plan and how it came about, and he was supportive, but thought it was strange that I picked November. He said it was arguably the best sale month -- and thus the best time to stock up on "non-essentials" that would otherwise cost more money. While I agreed that was true, I proclaimed that I picked November on purpose! If I had the self-discipline to avoid all those flashy Black Friday sales, then I had the discipline to cut more non-essentials from our budget in future months! Think how much money I would save month-over-month! I just needed to start.
So, I put things I knew I would need -- but didn't need yet -- in my Amazon Subscribe and Save. Or I listed them in an Excel tracker sheet so I could buy them the following month. I went shopping in-person, instead of through Instacart or Amazon (where I would need to pay fees and tips). I ignored flashy sale emails from vendors. I was disciplined!
I am, by nature, a disciplined person. I've never in my life used the snooze button on an alarm. I used to take a bus 1 hour early to make sure I'd arrive at my first job on time every day... for the entire year I worked there. I have always separated my recyclables from my trash -- even when it is messy and inconvenient. I once ate nothing but burritos for a week because my husband dared me to. If I set about doing something: I do it. There's a flip side to this -- where I don't make plans I know I can't keep, but that's a topic for another time. My problem with No Spend November ended up being that I was too disciplined.
My family doesn't eat out. We also don't get delivery (I cancelled my DoorDash account earlier this year to meet a different goal). We eat organic, sustainable, sugar-free, sometimes-hard-to-find (and thus requiring pre-order and delivery in a frozen state) food. Almost all of said food requires preparation -- part of why I want a nicer kitchen! And... I was having a hard time managing that for the month of November.
See the problem with picking November wasn't just missing Black Friday sales. The problem was picking a month where I knew my job was typically busy. A job where I lead a team, set the work pace, and am ultimately responsible for things being done on time and up to my (high) standards. Trying to stay on track for groceries, defrosting schedules, and meals without my normal Instacart/Amazon tools to pick up the slack on a 10-hr work day proved difficult. And it made me grumpy. Real grumpy. My husband does not do well when I am really grumpy.
A few weeks in, my husband finally said that No Spend November was a bad idea. He made -- very fair -- points that I didn't need to prove my self-discipline, that I was already doing a great job saving -- slowly, and that I was actually self-harming myself by trying to be even more disciplined than I already was just to try and meet a goal faster than I needed to.
I kind of stopped in my tracks there. How could being self-disciplined be a form of self-harm? But I thought about it and it was true. Setting more restrictions on myself -- a person who already manages a lot of restrictions (and just manages a lot in general) -- was creating an unnecessary burden. A burden that no one but myself had put on... myself.
I've never thought of myself as a self-harming individual, so this was a really strange realization. It's one I am sure I will be grappling with for a while.
I ultimately relented and bought three (40% off!) cashmere sweaters. I felt better after that. And I was really happy when they arrived. I avoided other sales, tossed catalogues without browsing them, and even let the kids have a dinner of nothing but (sugar-free) desserts on a night I was particularly tired. I feel like I met my November goal, even though I bent the rules I had set for myself.
I will get my dream kitchen eventually, it just might take a few more -- hopefully happier! -- years than I would like.
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red's musings #1,
Dear diary, (If The Word Is Red.)
Today marks more than a year since I started living on my own, away from my parents. Reflecting on the time from 2022 until now, I've come to realize the challenges of managing finances, my beliefs, my friendships, my family, and dealing with adversaries.
When I think about it - most of my struggles seem tied to materialistic concerns, causing me so much frustration!
It's currently 2 am, and I ponder the sustainability of my current lifestyle. I earn enough, to keep myself alive, you see. Enough that I am able to eat three times a day. And yet, I failed to maintain my savings the way i have promised myself earlier this year.
Saving money has been so challenging when my desires are easily accessible with a tap on a screen. Because of this I find myself contemplating if I can afford even basic things, like a new closet or a proper phone case, while prioritizing food and beverages for myself, family and friends.
However, I'm grateful! Grateful for daily access to food, acknowledging the privilege it entails. Despite the challenges I'm going through, I feel that it is due to the love, prayers, and trust that my family has for me, and honestly... I appreciate the autonomy my family have allowed me. Without it, would I have been able to live the way I have today?
Homesickness tugs at my heart, missing my family and the friends I've lost along the way. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever see them again, because the way I have been living my life feels like a timeless loop - of the same actions, same concerns.
What time should I head out to work? (If I wake up early, good! Gotta leave early or I'll miss the bus and be late - then I'd have to make a choice of being late or order a cab. ......$$ will fly with the wind if that happens. If I woke up late? Pray a lot. I may have to part with some of my money for a cab just to make sure my boss doesn't berate me. They don't do it but the fear of it happening? Always there.)
Should I eat first, or do I spend money for breakfast? (If I eat first will I have time to be at work on time? eating takes time. what if I miss the bus? If I leave without eating, how much money will I be spending for breakfast this time?)
Can I have coffee made by actual baristas today, or do I go for instant coffee later? (now this is luxury either way. I should opt for water, right? I should have water. Water is important. I'm almost always dehydrated...)
What should I have for lunch? (Will I be eating alone again? Will my colleagues bring me out to lunch with them? How much money will I spend for lunch this time?)
Always the same questions, and you know what???
It actually gets boring! Like, really! It really does. They are very lonely questions to have. Each time, money is involved. Money is almost always involved in my choices. Troublesome, isn't it?
It's almost never - should I do something interesting today?
Should I make art? (I need money for supplies)
Should I play the guitar? (I have trouble remembering lyrics and chords)
Should I allow myself any enjoyment? (I feel like there's too many things I need to do that enjoying anything at all feels like it will bear a terrible consequence)
Should I spend money on roller-skating, rock climbing or simply - shopping mindlessly without looking at my wallet? (costly. this is so expensive to even consider. oh I am so upset about this one.)
Should I go meet my friends? (I have to have enough money so we can actually enjoy good food, good drinks, good rides, and a lot of fun together.)
Another issue that I've discovered regarding my lifestyle: This is my first post, but I want you guys to know that it took a lot of emotions, a lot of turmoil, and a lot of thinking to get to here. I don't think I'm ready at all, but.... please. I really need a virtual space to be in. Books can't seem to help, no matter how many fancy journals I've purchased. Even if I have the smoothest pen known to the world, writing makes me go mad because nothing ever works as perfectly as I want it to.
You see, I've been attempting to share my thoughts on Tumblr, a platform I've used since 2011, but it's hindered by my fear of being seen. This fear, which I've only recently recognized, complicates my desire to express my thoughts and opinions.
The reason I have just started, is because... I've noticed a fear of consequences, witnessing others suffer for their past mistakes, even if they express remorse. The online world can be utterly unforgiving, making it difficult for me to overcome my fear of being seen. Despite this, my aspiration is to be a positive influence to the world, and I hope that one day, I can be someone that younger generations can somehow look up to.
I would like to say more, and more, and more things... but I won't be able to handle a large or a mega post. I still struggle with finding the words, or finding relevance in my stories that I write for you. By that, I do mean that I can be very... all over the place. Perhaps even you have experienced that type of thought process too.
I end my musings for now. I hope to write more in the next post. Perhaps with less confusion, and with more focus for my own happiness.
#diary#journaling#i hope that through this watermelon gif#people will realise that I am a free palestine advocate#red's musings
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day 19
Blew it again. I did laundry and I worked 8 hours but I didn't do anything else. I was so tired. I got worried about money again and ended up doing math/spreadsheets/google searches/cost of living comparisons/career research/staring at my paychecks until like 5am. My conclusions from this night of math:
It will take me about 2 years of living frugally and investing until I reach my savings goals.
If I got a weekend job, I could reach my savings goal 1 year after I leave my current side job.
Bae wants me to move to his city (more expensive) or for us to move to another more expensive town. I want to move to my family's city (less expensive). If we do that, and especially if we live together, I will be in a much less precarious position.
It would really help if I moved to the sketchy side of town and rented a room in a house. But I really don't want to do that. I like my walkable neighborhood and my private apartment.
My job just started contributing to my 401k, which is really nice. It's not a big chunk but it does help. I should probably raise my contributions for a while.
I'm really hoping for a raise in 3 months, which would also help. A promotion would help a lot with my future job prospects.
I pay so freaking much in taxes. I was estimating 21% in my spending breakdowns on here, but it is more like 24%. That's about one week of labor every month!
Assuming I continue my frugal habits, I could afford to have a kid, but it won't be fun for a while. My main concern is the cost of health insurance.
I can't really afford this trip we are taking in 2 months, nor can I really afford more tattoos. But I am going to do both of those things.
Still thinking of going back to school for a Master's. Just wish I knew how much my salary would be after.
One of my benefits is a public bus pass. I rarely take the bus anywhere but I kinda wish I did so I could feel like I was being paid more?
Back to my failings of day 19. Also I binged. I was at 1020 cals for the day and I didn't have any more food. I wasn't really hungry but I thought it's not good to be under 1200, so I'll have another protein bar and go over by 100. But then I ate all the protein bars. Ugh.
My usual routine is to go to work, then evenings and weekends I do my list on random (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, workout, side job, shower). I do it in random order because there isn't enough time in a day to do all the things, so I mix it up so as not to neglect anything for too long. I do the list until bedtime, then I stop and go to bed.
My life on hard mode routine has been to do the list at random as usual, BUT I can't go to bed until I do both workout and side job. I think this is not working for me anymore. I haven't been getting enough sleep. I really really really despise having hard schedules, but I am thinking that for this hard mode challenge I might need to instate one. It will be hard to stick to it but I'm going to try at least for this week, to do side job before work, then go to work, then workout after work, and THEN I can do the other things on my list until bedtime. I'm going to hate it but if I can stick to it, I will be more productive and better rested.
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As Dyspraxia it very hard because Stafford Town can be very selfshire at times.
Today went dancing 💃 in Prue gym in Stafford and Then going New Northfield centre art and It crouse I want enrolled Care on Monday to Lower Drayton farm but trying feeling in form but won't send to Care and Nattion insurance number but have no mobie phone so once again thanks scarm back to square one asking mum to get PIP letter and bring new Northfield centre but too busy help spet father in the garden help me knew spet family come first before first born.
It embarrassed asking people ring mum up because havn't got mobie phone but today got own back and do again.
Sick of ask mum for money and havn't got mobie phone so went shop because lemon juice run out smell brun so wait turn of oven off because got fear of oven blow up on me I don't cooking anymore even going on holiday to Turkey all can eat fruit and salad be Gluten free is no fun.
So mum just me if going turn oven off tell me you stupid child but if have mobie phone would be able tell her but havn't only got stupid monkey phone from Tesco won't use that know she change mind stuck with no mobie phone so when do Lower Drayton farm no way get in connection with me because this what scarm done.
I want get somethings for my sponderchild it my sponderchild birthday coming soon with Compassionuk and want send letter to Ethiopia but done in draft but always busy with something and tell off wait for Thursday of month but going holiday to Turkey 🇹🇷 again and want be send before going if have mobie phone I would be able get download compassion uk do letter and birthday card by post it take too long and don't want my sponderchild going without letters and her friends got them I having difficulty writing letter but always send them with paper gift inside.
Now other promble do send Dyspraxia membership form £25 to Dyspraxia foundation but mum won't let post won't give money buy stamp so be another row tomorrow Usly when rowing like this I would gone in the snug and look after Sydnee and Annabel but dead now and havn't be able come back to garden just see mum furtine in the snug and Cat shed upset 😡 and spend most day in my bedroom most day because noughting do Staffford anymore. I havn't got money thanks to scarms ruin my life it all going to mum as Adult kid got ask for pocket money. " I need paid rent"
Natwest isn't help not helpful bank at movements havn't got Mastercard any more so don't know how going Play EA plus games next year might have give them bank number do Dricit debit but really don't want do that. Amazon UK is mum Natwest card now with my account not happy person at movements wish moving out to Esscellshaw so can be with more cats all want be with more cats.
Natwest is been azzhold won't let do anymore stand order theath frozen my and mum account.
Then how can give birthday gift to sponsor child if stupid Natwest bank frozen account that Prue Gym and Compassion Uk and Staffordshire wildlife not paid and let them down as member and I don't want do that.
Really should phone up compassion uk help write letter from my draft letter to paper give me but even devil is stop with Natwest bank stop money going compassion uk 🇬🇧 I would write cheque and post 📫 if become that way but take long might receive the birthdays gift later and I don't want that.
Know life isn't fair at movements but got fear control me movements and two voices in my head.
I bit scare going shopping now because havn't any money 💰 and worry if miss the Taxi because stuck on bus going another way there no way connects both Taxi and Lower Drayton farm.
Don't get me wrong love Stafford Town going Victoria Park even if can't going coffee in new cafe but isn't Gluten free food so can't going in some eles missing out.
I know what like not have birthday cake when going family doing all birthday cakes but not Gluten free food have eat Gluten free sweet under table so Newphew and Nieces don't see them even on my birthday get birthday cake but can't eat because wheat have cut all birthday cake give to the family going without no fun living with mum and can't going anywhere because she got my money noughting can do about it because she got fall control off it.
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Fifteen dollars an hour
It is eating at me.
I've been earning more or less fifteen dollars an hour for most of the past three, going on four years.
It's not enough. I didn't even move to anywhere resembling the south side of the city, but we've got people doing drugs at the bus stops and people (who it is reasonable to assume are mentally ill) making a racket on private property at one in the fucking morning.
And I'm paying a thousand dollars to live here. I knew having cats would bloat my rent. I'm not getting rid of them.
In the past month I've been living here, I've barely bought an armful of groceries, because I could barely afford that. Maybe it's not fair, because I literally just moved when I was not prepared or planning on it. If it was up to me, I probably would've saved twice what I even guessed it was worth. I would've cleared out my first credit card and gotten a second. I would have freed up excessive resources.
But it wasn't up to me.
Furthermore, newly living on my own, I have some big purchases to make--I need a mattress. I'm not even getting a halfway decent mattress; I'm getting basically the cheapest mattress I can find. I will make it work. I need storage for everything--my clothes, my sketchbooks, my other books, my project supplies. This apartment has basically no storage.
Like I've said, I'm seeing that it looks like the only way my ex and I made it work was having food stamps. I'm so scared, because I couldn't afford health care if I needed to. There's nothing left after the bills. I have no idea how we were saving any kind of money. I'm barely going to be able to afford the mattress after I pay rent.
And it's bullshit because I'm definitely not getting paid for this shit. I'm on camera all day, the fucking thing bitches if I spend too much time not perfectly in frame, it takes like eight minutes to get the fucking computer started, but technically I get five.
What am I supposed to fucking do? Get a second job?? I barely sleep; I've been exhausted every day I've lived here. I barely get five hours to myself in the evenings; where even is the time for me to commute? Never even mind get clocked in.
I have to cut back on my appointments--drastically. I just fucking can't afford to miss work. Five hours out of this paycheck, eight or so out of the next--fifteen out of the previous one. Hashtag shit healthy people don't have to put up with.
I need to get put back on the sales project. I can wait if I know that boost is coming.
I guess I should be grateful, because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I should be so lucky that the tunnel was so short. I am unfortunately going to have to use this entire check, and probably what little savings I scrounged together, to pay the coming rent, but after that, I should be able to save half of next month's, and beyond, checks for rent, and use the rest for bills and necessities. I still don't think it'll be enough for luxurious grocery shopping, but I'll at least be able to get some ensure, oats, oat milk, maybe eventually buy some more smoothies, bread, or at least flour. Maybe a little meat, like some deli meat or something, eventually.
I'm so stressed.
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me too. we’re going to the uk this year (my uncle bought us tickets to come visit him, it’s a bit weird because we haven’t seen him in years) so i’m ticking some of the other places off my list at least!! i really hope your trip goes well, your brain is just being mean.
what are the polish mountains like? our mountains are beautiful but i’m guessing you guys have a lot more snow than we do
it’s really lovely swimming there, but we haven’t been to the east coast since early 2020. we were actually there on holiday when the covid lockdown was announced. the water where i live is really cold because the main current carries water up from antarctica, but i still love swimming here.
i was in my neil perry era lol. no i’m kidding, it was stressful but i learned a lot so in hindsight i’m kind of grateful for it. i wouldn’t do it again though
how old is he? my history teacher is definitely just an unfulfilled athlete, he tends to invest a lot of time in the rugby and athletics kids. it’s a bit weird tbh
it’s more like what haven’t they done, honestly. one girl in my grade (she was a prefect) was arrested for shoplifting last week, and another one assaulted a bus driver two or three weeks ago. the other kids keep getting into fights, vandalising stuff, etc. i think my class is the only well-behaved one in our year tbh.
and yeah! we have to pay to wear our own clothes! the amount differs depending on what they’re using the money for. the last time we had to pay 30 bucks, which is about 7 złoty (idk if i’ve got the currency right, is there an abbreviation? do you guys use euro or is google lying to me? is there another currency? idk please advise). that isn’t really a lot but it’s still annoying. and they’re using the money to build another hockey field, which is gonna cost millions, but they don’t want to spend a few thousand and buying more microscopes for the science department, even though that’s objectively more important than building a sports field that we don’t actually need!! it makes me so mad
we have teachers stationed outside the bathrooms to make sure that the kids don’t vape, but they still find ways to do it, i hate it so much. your former dealer sounds like quite an interesting character. did he drop out to deal drugs full time or did he leave because his academics weren’t good enough? he sounds like he was very smart but you never know. our old one sounds a lot like your current one, he also wasn’t very hygienic. about anything, actually, i’m surprised he managed to get customers at all. i’ve never touched drugs but for some reason people keep trying to sell them to me? i think it’s because i look like the “broody rebellious rule breaker” ( a dude called me that once, it was weird). i’m not though, but i think it might be my hair that’s giving them that impression lol.
(no problem!! i would also apologise for taking so long to respond but i think it’s gonna keep happening to both of us, we’re both very busy. when school start again for you?)
that's so cool! i've never been to the uk, but it's placed quite highly on my bucket list. yeah, i hope so too, you're probably right. my brain gets like this sometimes.
yeah, snow always comes there first and is the most violent. at least that's what i've seen in the pictures. i've never actually been there in winter, only in spring. the landscapes are stunning. i will probably remember the views from the peak we climbed for the rest of my life. the food and the tradition there are also awesome. all regions in poland have their own culture, but the highlanders' one seems the most distinctive. i'd attach some pictures, but i can't really find any good ones :/
yeah, no surprise you love swimming there. if i lived next to the beach, i wouldn't pay attention to temperature either.
wow, it was that intense? i'm sorry you had to survive through that. but it's good that you at least had a chance to learn a few things. the silver lining in every bad experience is that they always make you a little wiser.
he's about 55. oh okay? that is weird...
wow! i understand now. my class has the worst reputation in the whole school. but my classmates could never compete with the kids at your school. their biggest crimes are smoking, underage drinking and using their phones during classes. so as you can tell, they're not very dangerous.
this sounds insane! do you pay for individual pieces of clothing or for the entire outfit? how does it work? (yes, this is our currency! and yes, there is an abbrevation, it's zł. no, we don't use euro. they wanted to introduce euro a few years ago, but the plans never got carried out.) personally, i think it's quite a lot, but the reason i view it like this is probably because i've always been free to wear my own clothes at school. gosh, this is so absurd! school literally exists so that we can learn, not to play games. sports are important, sure, but in this case, it's a secondary matter. i'm mad with you.
yeah, they came up with a similar solution at my school, except it's not the teachers who are looking out, but the janitresses. it's not a very effective solution. the kids vape anyway. he transferred to a worse school to have higher chances of passing the matura exams (the teachers at that school let kids cheat during the exams). he was humanities smart, but suprisingly, he didn't take any advanced humanities classes. he took advanced physics, because i quote, "i already know everything about history so why would i take advanced history? i take physics to learn something new." it didn't turn out too well for him. he couldn't understand physics for shit. nobody has ever tried to sell drugs to me. it's probably because i, on the other hand, look like teachers' favourite who never causes any problems. which is well, true. teachers like me and i keep away from drama. actually, "broody rebellious rulebreaker" has a ring to it. i would've taken it as a compliment if i were you.
(i'm so sorry it took me so long to respond. i'm in the middle of the most intense period at school and it's been a while since i had a break that would've lasted more than half an hour :/ i think the day you send me this ask was my first day back at school.)
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I <3 NY
I had recently gone on a trip to New York City to watch my uncle run the New York City Marathon. It was his first marathon and my first time back in NYC since 2017.
I've avoided going to NYC for the longest time because I hated the city. With its crowds, dirty subway, and ceaseless noise, I could just barely hear myself think. I preferred cities like Boston and Los Angeles — big enough to not run into acquaintances all the time (unlike Providence), but not quite NYC-level of insanity. I could go to museums (MFA in Boston and LACMA in NYC) and find great restaurants (to be fair, the NYC food scene is overrated). My friends and tell me: "but, New York has that something!" I've struggled to find out what that "something" is.
During the five hour bus ride from Providence to New York, I wasn't sure if I was ready to visit the city again. After all, it's the site of multiple high-profile anti-Asian hate crimes and the epicenter of COVID-19 cases in the early days of the pandemic. My mom and I got off the bus at Penn Station and braved Time Square, I thought: "of course, it's gross. It's NYC."
The day before the marathon, I caught up with some college buddies in SoHo. We were supposed to meet up at this matcha cafe, but, on the way there, I got lost. There were two branches of the same franchise in SoHo and I went to the other one. I ran from one end of SoHo to another, past luxury shops, street dealers, and some people who looked like super models. I ran and ran and ended up falling in love with NYC. To confront the streets by myself, to make my way around the city against the backdrop of light passing through fall foliage.
My friends all went to NYC to chase their ambitions: work for a big design company, land a prestigious internship, find love, etc. I had wanted to move to NYC for the same reasons, before coming to terms with the fact that the city wasn't a good fit for me. Moving back to Manila after my stint in the US proved difficult. I suffered from the most intense FOMO of not moving to a major American city after graduation. I resigned myself to enjoying my hometown's warm weather and hanging onto the sliver of hope that I could go to NYC and "make it."
I maneuvered my way around slow-walking tourists and construction workers. I realized that I had set the wrong expectations for New York.
I arrived twenty minutes late to the hang-out. But hey, that's expected in NYC where trains randomly stop working and streets close for events. We had fun looking at all the things we would never spend money on in SoHo.
My friends had changed and grown so much. In the past, they laid all these careful plans on how they'd go up the corporate ladder at an NYC firm and how much money they'd make. Now, they openly admitted to not knowing what their next step is, not knowing if they want to stay in NYC long-term.
I've since let go of the New York FOMO. I like my life in Manila. I made new friends, established the foundation of my career, and found new hobbies. I also get to spend as much time with my family and have time for myself. I don't chase chase crazy goals as desperately as I did before. I take my time to have my morning cup of coffee.
The old adage goes "if you can make it here, you can make it anywhere."
I believe the reverse to be more accurate: if you can't make it anywhere, you can't make it in New York. Life and excitement just don't suddenly start when we get off the plane at JFK or get off the bus at Penn Station.
While NYC teems with opportunity, some you may never even get, it take an impressive willpower to focus on savoring the breeze in your hair on a way to having a meal with friends.
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DRIVING IS AN ASSET
It is also a privilege. It takes time and money to go to driving school, pass tests, and then obtain a license, insurance, and a vehicle. Responsible parents need to get kids through this early on and help with the cost so that children can have a good start in life.
People say, oh, there's public transportation, but that's not a huge thing in a rural area. In a city you can walk to most places, easily grab a cab, or take a bus or subway. Here the buses are unsafe, have too many stretched out stops, and good luck getting a cab or a rideshare.
I'm not going to say I'm the best driver and I have anxiety and direction issues, even with GPS when it comes to finding new places so I need some help there. But I can generally get myself from A to B.
So I meet all of these men who either don't have a car, or they don't have a license, or they have never had either in their life. Again, I can't go around judging these things because having a car and a license are a privilege. However, these men are not worth dating.
When you don't have your own transportation, you are dependent on other people usually, especially in a rural area like I said. Most of these men have family drive them around. The ones that are long distance suggest Greyhound and that probably costs more than gas now, the last time I dealt with Greyhound it was $70 round trip from Annapolis. And I still had to drive 30 minutes to pick up the guy. Then when it was time to go, another 30 minutes drive instead of a relaxing goodbye. Then sometimes I would pay for the tickets, which was fair.
But honestly I like it when a guy can just fuel up his car and go, then it's like there's not an actual money matter on hand. Long distance sucks and can make me feel guilty but I like providing food and comforts in the sense that it evens out. And if I could travel more I would do an even mix of me going to visit and them visiting me.
My last ex drove an hour to me one way and never complained. Some say, oh, he's generous, but we enjoyed each other and no one ever talked about money. The last guy I attempted to date didn't have a car at first so no-go. Then he got one and said he wasn't driving 3 hours to hang out all day he would have to spend a weekend but I didn't know him well enough. Again, long distance sucks in general, but when a man brings up cost, it's a turn-off.
I constantly had to drive around my ex of 2016 who lost his license and it put a lot of miles and wear and tear on my car. Yesterday I got messaged by yet another guy with no car, who said, cars are just material. And I said, no, it costs me when I have to drive someone around and someone lacking a car lacks independence. I added him on Facebook anyway because my goal is to talk to people, always, without default romantic intent.
I started scrolling down his shit. Selfies, fireworks on the forth, then some post about him and his friends and a guy commented, "hey I'm at work, man." And the guy I added responded, "me too, man, I can't wait to meet a woman with some money so I can get put on her insurance and kick back." Could have been a joke, who knows. He got blocked.
Basically, people that don't drive are needy even if they don't intend to be. All I know is that I'm not going to drive another man around like I'm his mommy.
Work, drive, and provide for yourself. Stability and independence are key.
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