#i need to sort my routine out
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Thinking about how Astarion insisted on staying up to keep watch in the beginning of the game
Yeah, it could be because he needs to go hunt at night without anyone noticing, or because he's keeping an eye out for Cazador/his minions. But... It could also be because he's scared of sleeping/trancing in general?
He's got severe C-PTSD. I have that too. And one of the things I experience from it is a fear of falling asleep.
Sleeping is vulnerability. You're completely defenseless. It's terrifying to fall asleep when you're used to danger! And some abusers will purposefully do things to you when you sleep. I wouldn't put it past Cazador to have done something like that.
It's especially terrifying when you're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, or as out and open as a forest. With strangers.
Add in the elvish reverie (if we assume Astarion still experiences it as he would if he were alive at his current age)... and he might even be reliving horrible memories every time he tries to rest.
(If you're unfamiliar with elvish trancing/dreaming, I made a post about it and some ways it might affect Astarion as a vampire spawn a while ago)
One of the reasons I think this could be the case is actually the other spawn, specifically what I noticed when we first meet Dalyria and Petras. At first I thought Astarion's eye bags were just a product of being undead. But... Petras, the very human looking spawn, doesn't have that. Dalyria is an elf as well, and like Astarion, she's got some of that tired sleep-deprived purple under and around her eyes.
So all this considered... I think it's very possible that Astarion has a fear of sleeping too. Or at the very least, trouble resting. Him and the other elvish spawn.
It also makes me wonder if he sleeps any better later on in the game. By Act 3 he probably feels more comfortable with you and the group. Sleeping near familiar people (especially people you're very comfortable with, but that's very dependant on your own choices in your game), and having established night time routines can make sleeping feel a little safer.
Plus by that point he's made many new memories he can visit in his reverie. Maybe instead of remembering the terrible things, sometimes he dreams of sun bathing, the first time he bit you or that bear, or any other happy memory he's created since being tadpoled.
Maybe for the first time in centuries, sleeping isn't such a terrible prospect.
#bg3#astarion#text post#its just something thats been on my mind#my fear of sleep is bad enough that i usually cant fall asleep without pushing myself to the point of passing out#or sometimes i need to take a sedative just to manage it#so i wonder how bad it is for him given that he doesnt have the option of sedation#it makes for some interesting headcanons/ideas though#pretty sure a druidic Tav can offer to put together an herbal tea to help him sleep#what if that sort of thing worked and it became a nightly routine?#i assume he can drink tea given that he can drink alcohol#or if you've romanced him#would sleeping near Tav help?#i know sometimes its easier for me to sleep when im around someone im comfortable with#though sometimes it has the opposite effect and it makes it harder to sleep because i feel like i need to be extra alert to protect them#trauma really does a number on you#act 3 spoilers#bg3 act 3 spoilers#astarion spoilers#bg3 spoilers#q
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Anyone else have near-perfect executive function at work; but at home, have literally no energy or motivation to do anything except lie in a dark room, with something in or on your ears for several hours?
#It’s got to be the schedule keeping me on task at work#I love microdosing strict routines (not having an actual routine for the day; but having routines for small tasks#which piss me off if I can’t carry them out precisely the way I planned)#For instance: If I’m asked to paperclip a bunch of stuff together with multicolored paperclips of various sizes#I cannot just indiscriminately pick paperclips from the container because that is WRONG and ILLEGAL#The colors must fit the theme of the assignments; and the colors must alternate in a specific order#and the paperclips must all be the same size#If I’m asked to dump out and clean containers of writing utensils I am going to sort them by type and color#whether you like it or not#Black permanent markers have their own container in a different section from the blue permanent markers#Dry-erase markers are not to be mixed with permanent markers because they are easily confused and it is WRONG and ILLEGAL#Do not fuck with the system. It’s the only organizational skill I have and by fucking GOD I’m going to use it in EXCESS#I stuff and fill out envelopes the exact same way every time because if I do it any other way it is WRONG and ILLEGAL#The stamp always goes on last to minimize monetary waste if there is a mistake#Now you’d think my room is squeaky clean and organized because of how particular I am about these small tasks#Right? Right?#NO IT IS NOT. It looks like a bomb went off. Cleaning the room is a big task which cannot be accomplished within two hours#therefore I have discarded it as anything I need a routine for because it would take too long to come up with#and it is very hard for me to do things like that without instructions or a sense of consistency#So I simply don’t#“After five years the dust doesn’t get any worse” correct; but the mold certainly does#I am convinced half my problems with organization as a kid would have been solved if I just had a hamper#“We have a clothes chute; you don’t need a hamper” Maybe you don’t but I DO#I want one now; but I’m going to use it as incentive to get an apartment#because that’s another thing I need to smuggle and I have too much already
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a friend who'd wait :)
#im posting this very late because i was sort of weary of how it came out and ended up messing w it until it was like 4am oops.#and i have plans tmrw so... oh well! i did my best and ill put it out while i can!#and i tried to make the scene match barnard's colors lol#finn's ocs#finn's art#i know i said id do more sillay stuff with the simpler screentone only style but i had a couple more of these in me#and this is the first piece im making thats like an actual part of the story too rather than just setting stuff for fun#i wanna write something to go with it too but for now ill just sort of briefly explain the context in the tags here:#barnard has a pretty bad case of OCD and his compulsions have made it difficult to make friends in the past#he was never outright bullied or anything but people just didnt really have the patience to deal with it#he has compulsions that include stuff like walking through doors until it feels right and needing things to be perfectly aligned#which in group settings has lead to people having to wait for him to finish his rituals and join them#they might find it tolerable at first but eventually they grow impatient and hes just... not invited to stuff anymore#but juno is a newer member of the guild who ends up frequenting the same library. hes also kinda a little weird#and they dont become fast friends or anything but just sort of naturally spend time in the same place#though they never plan meetups they eventually fall into a routine. around the same time theyd just both be at the library#and read next to each other. and maybe talk a bit. and eventually they end up walking back to the guildhall together#since theyre going to the same place after all. and juno always waits for barnard outside the door#eventually barnard asks if this bothers him. juno kinda just tells him 'of course it does' without any malice or anything. just a statement#barnard is surprised and apologizes and juno says not to. but the next day juno doesnt show up at the usual time.#barnard assumes hes committed somekinda more by bringing it up. he ends up staying there late reading to get his mind off it & not ruminate#but when he leaves juno is in fact still waiting for him down the hall (see pic) having collected a bunch of books literally abt ocd#he fell asleep bc barnard stayed later than expected. and hes an eepy guy generally. and also one very bad at expressing himself#but now barnard gets that juno's 'of course it [bothers me]' had the implication of 'but its worth it' which no friend has previously done.#and from the interaction juno was also able to understand that this isn't something barnard just does for the hell of it so. he studies.#and checks a bunch of stuff out because he thinks it could help his friend too (theres ocd workbooks and such- i remember working w them)#and thats the point where they became more ''friends'' than ''pleasant library acquaintances''#from there on they also do get into juno's problems. whole other bag of worms. but this specific scene is more about bernard from his pov#sorry about when i said briefly explain. i lied </3#but compared to the whole sequence im picturing its brief so shhh
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i've taken to writing with the curtains shut and all lights turned off save for my little desk-lamp, no matter the time of day!!! and despite teetering on the verge of vampirism, i've got to say it is rather successful in forcing me to focus!!!
#i don't know if it's the fact that i'm creating a space and routine- ie this is now the writing zone- or if it's just me shutting out#sensory input. most likely a combination of both#but as much as it's fucking my internal clock up- i'm sort of mainly getting shit done !#i'm working on my thesis proposal#and am doing that by working backwards .#annotated bibliography is now complete#so i need to write the actual proposal#which i do have all the information for in another document#it's just... taking that info. making it comprehensible and nice to look at it and all flow-y and organized#and truth be told. my brain is not switched on for that today!!! but i reallyyyy need her to be!!!! babygirl!
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Opened Animal Crossing yesterday as a way of helping me go back to a daily routine and wanted to share my little Sneep with you! took me so much time to finally get the potion cauldron that goes POOF it looks so cute >///<
it's my AU!Snape though, so no Spinner's End here but the best recreation i could do of his AU!house.
1. the garden, complete with mummy's grave and 2. the office/library.
Also I just noticed this morning his rain gear looks way too much like a Death Eater hood ._.
3. THE LAAAAB. i'm so proud of it. the worse part of designing this was having to choose what to leave out because the room is too small to fit everything i wanted to display 😔 jars or poisonous creatures? how many blackboards? is three cauldrons really too much? should i have vines on the ceiling for the aesthetic or would he hate having stuff growing in his pristine lab (he would)
uuugh the dilemma
4. the bedroom is not the greatest design (haven't worked much on it + not happy with the furniture i do have) but i wanted to show off his GOF nightshirt and the little snake figurine haha
5. the winter garden. he's very unhappy i put him there for the photo because he has absolutely refused to step foot in this room for 30 years because traumas. it's actually used by his girlfriend, it's her harp and her herbology lab.
Bonus screenshots: Slythenclaw nerds on a date ✨💖
Bonus bonus screenshots: the Ravenclaw and Slytherin common rooms (the desks are obligatory unfortunately), complete with eagle and reptile teachers, and a basilisk skull 🤭
#severus snape#snape#snape x oc#SlythenclawAU!Snape#acnh screencap#as far as the routine goes i just spent 3h playing with screencaps and 3h drawing smth i'm not even posting so uh it's a fail#i need to sort out my priorities T-T
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love being 25 and not knowing how to socialize bc i’m autistic and off putting and cringe so no one wanted to talk to me/wanted to be my friend growing up so now i’m an adult with very few friends or ppl i talk to on a regular basis bc i never learned how to socialize or text properly bc no one taught me how
#abc shut it#vent#i’m so lonely it’s not even funny#my talking to myself has just gotten worse in the past few months alone#i just want some friends i can do watch parties with and play games with damn it#i’m so bored and lonely all the time#my life has just been work sleep and chores and it’s driving me insane bc i have nothing breaking up the routine#like it doesn’t help no one texted me bc i was poor and had didn’t get a smart phone until is was basically too late :)#like i know part of it is the depression but#idk i just don’t do anything when i get home#sometimes i do art sometimes i game but usually i just lose track of time staring at tumblr and the next thing i know my few hours—#after work are gone and i have to go to bed#like don’t get my wrong i LOVE my coworkers but i need some more friends within my own age bracket#like is it to much to ask for a group of friends that will watch anime and movies with me in our own discord server#like is that literally to much to fucking ask of the universe can i be allowed to feel like an actual normal human being that’s connected#to the human experience for once in my fuckkng life#and not feel like some sort out outlier that doesn’t fucking exist to anyone#i’m to a point where i think and feel like i’m not even real! lol#like idk i would just like there to not to be days where i literally don’t communicate with anyone#and know what to say when ppl DO text me bc when ppl do text me i half the time don’t even know what to say#and forget the message is there and get to scared to reply after too much time has passed like#i know it’s a me problem that therapy would help but im terrified that it won’t#that i’ll just be going therapy and still be a lonely autisic looser who doesn’t know how to communicate without being off putting#or being too much
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Everyone has been so mean to Corunir and Golodir lately and I loaded up RangerCamp so I could just hang out and watch them vibe and chill and have a nice time.
Then I spawned in 12 bandit chiefs and for some reason they all had the ice spike spell which instantly crashed my game.
#rangercamp#fallout new vegas is doing that thing where when i open it it instantly minimizes itself#i dont remember how i fixed that with skyrim so. le siiiiiiigh#anyway lothrandir did not eat at his scheduled mealtime#radanir did tho so theres that#i need to add eating sleeping and patrol routines for corunir and golodir#i need to add it other assorted routines so they will all mingle a bit more; right now corunir and golodir just kind of hang out alone#radanir comes up here occasionally but the others do not#i wonder if i can expand the sandboxing area? although i think its the presence of stairs that is keeping them from moving#because i specifically positioned corunir in such a way that the stuff in the lower camp would be in his sandboxing range#and yet he doesnt go down there#stairs :shakefist:#the navmesh is fixed tho and what a weight off my shoulders#anyway i added in a thing where if your health is under 50% candaith will have a special greeting where he advises you to sit down#demonstrating you know a reasonable amount of concern for what 50% health actually entails#unfortunately this line also triggers if you are under 5% health and its sort of ridiculous then#so. idk how to fix that. i could add another condition to the line#i could add a different line that triggers if youre under 10% and set its priority higher#i think i tried to do that actually but it didnt work because i was trying to add a scripted event to it#where like once a day if you triggered the line he would give you a small health potion or something?#anyway scripting in skyrim is horrible and i hate it and all the tutorials out there SUCK#so. i might have to put all this on hold while i do a damn scripting tutorial from the beginning#because no one will just explain how to make npcs hand you things#its all 'were going to learn how to make notifications pop up onscreen and make text boxes!'#why would i want that. skyrim modding tutorial authors#why would i want to do that
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iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii forgot what I was gonna say but it sounded horrible and worrying I think. oh yeah why does sleeping only make headaches work I mean I think I know why but that's stupid that's so stupid. i forget to eat and as a result I'll be stuck in food purgatory where I'll be endlessly hungry but the act of eating anything physically hurts in that I can't keep going.
#i need to establish some sort of routine#I'll be too tired to get out of bed or my entire family will be downstairs so i cant bother to. idk#speak iza#ask to tag#eating habits#thats why school works. have to eat breakfast in the morning (although ill get physically sick from how early we get up)#amd buy lunch either way.#its like bc of that and i can choose my meals
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Oh yeah also to be exact for stream purposes, average playtime from all 60 reviews is 10-12 hours, but total range is 8-15, double for a 100% playthrough. You do have to progress in the side content to progress in the main story (complete x missions/get x points/get to x rank type of deal), and you'll probably want to progress in the side content to level up since it's money-based and that's the fastest way to make money. I'm pretty sure the variance comes from getting sucked into the side content (probably not likely for your playstyle) or having trouble with the bosses at a lower level (they're apparently pretty hard this time).
It also looks like the Infinite Wealth demo is split into two (an adventure mode with the extra cutscenes and another one that's basically the demo we've seen around). Adventure mode Allegedly doesn't have proper saves at the time of writing (this was an annoyance for one reviewer so I assume it's long enough to warrant that), so it's worth taking that into account too. Anyway that's about it lol don't quote me on any of this because my brain just shut off after a certain point <3
OK BET TYSM CHAMP YOURE A LIFESAVER soooooo doing Quick Maths in my brain i might divide the stream up in two if i start playing at 4:30PM and i plan to marathon it.
ill take a break 3:45 - 5:45 saturday morning since that's a part of my regular routine and ill feel weird if i dip on it. I Dont Need Sleep but god forbid i skip out on all That apparently. plus it's a good break period to get exercise in and move around LMAO
going from 4:30PM -> 3:45AM's like.....10~11 hours... so that's about halfway through the game if i get entranced by side content... if we do somehow finish it all in one shot then we can just do the IW stuff after my routine.. epic.. it prob wont be any longer than an hour if that so stream- AUSPICIOUSLY THINKING- should wrap up around 7~9AM saturday.
#snap chats#and then when its all done ill take the longest nap of my life afterwards LMAOOOOO#jk. ill prob sleep for like. a minute. imagine if i did art stream later LMAOOO NONONO maybe sunday.. if im really ill bout it..#some are wondering Snap Are You Physically Capable Of Doing Thaat and to that i say Yes. Yes I Am.#i didnt grind out buzzsaw mill raids on gaiaonline over night for nothing.. im a Gamer in my soul... a bad one but a gamer nonetheless..#i did it for ishin i can def do it for gaiden- esp if theres an audience and i have people to chat with#also the Break Time will be a great cut off point for recording so people who can't/don't want to show up for the stream can watch it#see it's all going according to plan..... it's all going swimmingly.....#i like how generous im being with my gaiden time. girl we know im gonna suck and take longer LMAOOO WE AINT DOIN IT IN 8 HOURS#maybe ill 100% gaiden off stream or somn if the side stuff really ropes me in#also im late as balls answering this OOPS my friends came by the dining hall and we all chatted. and apparently im going to aldis tomorrow#DONT KNOW HOW THAT HAPPENED but i needed something from the store#just one thing thats it.... i thought of buying snacks and the sort for gaiden but i aint gon subject people t me eating on stream#ill just go with my wack meal prep idea from before LMAO#anyway SIXTY REVIEWS THATS HEINOUS godspeed brother... thank you for your hard word ill do my best to make your work not go in vain#idk HOW but. i'll try not to be lame and low energy during stream I GUESS THATS ALL I CAN DO#boo about Money Aspect returning BUT ILL BE OPTIMISTIC. i wont let that sour me until i see it#i wonder how long the IW demo will be- what it'll HAVE if people are upset about the lack of saves#again i dont think it'll be terrible long- an hour is my min so id be surprised if it reaches two hours#it'd be epic if i could do all of gaiden before my routine since then i can cleanly divide the stream but we'll see
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Rn playing a game of
-Is this current dosage of adhd meds starting to taper its effects
-Have they not quite kicked in
-Maybe they've kicked in and my brain is like hyperfocus on the wrong thing wheee
-Am I actually just purposely being lazy right now
#basically it's like 'i do need to actually get out of bed' but also 'meh'#but also this is sort of like around my typical 'if i don't have anything pressing to do' routine#also thinking about it i think often they do take just like a little more time to really really kick in
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i luv to make my little schedules and schemes and plans. they make me so happy
#ive got my classes figured out and a little plan for some kinks to be worked out and a rough outline for morning/night routines and i feel#so mucj better T-T#morning routine roughly: kitty breakfast 7am wake up husbirde go back to sleep#husbirde hangs out and gets his day sorted then brings me tea n wakes me up for real at 8am :)#we leave at 9:30 so i can drink my tea start my journal get dressed eat something and pack lunches :)#i luv to pack lunches and i hate to do dishes. husbirde and logie hate to pack lunch but love to eat and also dont mind dishes#i luv to pack lunches and i hate to do dishes. but lil sister and husbirde dont mind dishes and hate to pack lunch but love to eat#so husbirde loads/starts dishes every night and lil sis unloads it in the morning :) and then i pack 3 lunches in the morning and rejoice!#im also trying to be better about goinf to sleep. baby dinnertime is at 10pm so when that alarm goes off/the babys come to get me i Must#Stop Doing Homework And Stuff and go feed babys and then Chill. and then at 11:11 make a fish i will brushie teeth and give the kitties#their teeth brushy treats and then go to sleep and this is the law#i think these 2 things will fix me#im going to make more freezer breakfast burritos this weekend! i discovered cantonese starch emulsification of scrambled eggs so im going#to attempt that method as an improvement over my standard and see how it goes :) i think it will be good. they really are so tasty....#ok i need to go to sleep now!!!!!
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"yeah, the beginning of my period is always bothersome, but definitely not debilitating" says person who has to skip a full day of lessons every month and who was full on crying and sobbing from pain this entire morning
#and! This time around I also got my lower back locked a few days right before it started?? What the hell??? 😭#I need to find some regular physical activity to do and go back to be more regular with my magnesium supplements :/#perhaps I should really start to hit the gym in a 'go and get a workout to follow by some professional' kinda way? :/#that'd probably be the most efficient way to keep all my body muscles in check I guess#instead of telling myself the lie of 'oh I want something I enjoy and which makes me move in general' (e.g. dance of some sort)#which I'm also doing btw but I think maybe a targetting thing could be nice as well? (+ it'd basically be someone telling me what to do)#(So I'd get a sense of routine and also I should learn to be a bit more comfortable with being out in public doing my own thing)#my post
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#man. hope is a sword but sometimes u need 2 put it down because you don't realize your arms have gone numb from swinging it for so long#it's time for my routinely lay like an animal bleeding out on the side of the road day#and i am allowed this and allowed 2 feel sad and small#need a breather#sap says#i made a new super cool secret blog. going 2 treat it a lil like an online journal sort of#tried the physical thing n. dunno. i type much faster and am prone to losing my train of thought easily so#yahoo
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can't believe i'm speedrunning alcoholism
#i haven't even been 'legal' for a full year and i've already gone straight from getting drunk off 1 mikes hard to#having 4-5 chugs of 50% vodka and blacking out#to having it become such a huge part of my routine that i feel like fucking shit sober & i hype myself for 'drinking days'#i need like 3 chugs of 50% vodka straight to feel any sort of buzz rn btw. :)#anyways. to having it become such a huge problem that i do so much horrible shit and wake up not remembering any of it#to me wanting to slow down so bad but now i'm so fucking dependant on it like ...............#too scared 2 quit quit i want 2 drink at parties still like i smoke at parties but i'm not a smoker u knooooo#wanna do that.............#but yeah...... i've been speedrunning alcoholism any% lately#.txt#IT'S KINDA HARD TO SLOW MY ROLL WHEN I KEEP GETTING GIFTED ALCOHOL FROM MY FAMILY BTW.#EVERY TIME I GO OVER THEY'RE LIKE HEY DO YOU WANT THIS AND I DON'T WANT THEM TO KNOW I HAVE ISSUES SO I ACCEPT IT EVERY TIME#I HAVE SO MANY HUGE ASS BOTTLES#GOT SO BAD GOT SO DEPRESSED FROM MY LATEST BENDER I LITERALLY FLUSHED ONE DOWN THE TOILET BUT#I HAVE LIKE 3 OTHER FULL BOTTLES. TAUNTING ME. BUT I DON'T WANT TO WASTE THEM CUZ I'D FEEL BAD ALSO ONE OF THEM COST ME#$35 I HAVE TO USE IT WISELY#OTHERWISE I WASTED MY VERY VERY LIMITED RESOURCES (MONEY)
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kinda on the verge of crying because i thought too much abt my future and how i really wanna do this job. staging at that place really opened my eyes and everything clicked but now i'm terrified i won't be able to do this great job that is perfectly fit for me and it will break me. wahhwah
#like it's a combination of computer stuff helping ppl AND doing creative workshop and all. some sort of routine but we're still doing#different stuff. i can make a difference and help out ppl. that month of staging in August flew by i was always sad when it was friday cos#that meant it was the week end already and another week went by and I didn't have much time working here.#I NEVER HAD A JOB OR TRAINEESHIP OR STAGE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE THIS :((( it literally doesn't feel like a job#i'm so fucking heartbroken to the idea i might not be able to do this job#cos they're a non profit organization and even tho they're looking for someone new + liked how invested i was they don't have enough room#for getting another person in the staff and they need to move.#but there's no like. business or company where i could do a similar job#there's prob only non profit organizations like them and it's hard to come by around here +difficult to get hired as they're paid by the gov#or other sponsors '#anyway i'm just hoping to not have to go to a job that'll fuck my body and brain more and truly wishing for a job like what i did at that#stage. literally love at first sight :'((( sniffles sniffles#ALSO THE LIL GRANMAS AND GRANPAS LIKE ME :((( IT'S SO NICE TO BE SURROUNDED BY CARING PPL#I LOVE HELPING THEM OUT#wAHHWAHHHH I MISS IT#my current job is kinda still the same but not really it's at the french job center. helping them out on the puter#still isn't as fun it's only paper work + they can lash out on us for stuff we don't have anything to do with#but i'm still helping out ppl + i have a counselor for the next 7 months to guide me. i hope i'll make something out of my life i'll enjoy#tomtom_is_rambling
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I like being at school but at the same time I kind of hate everything rn‼️ gen chem is ruining my grades and I still am kind of sick and it’s almost my period which means I’m getting the absurd stomach problems and oh my god oh my GODDD I hate everything
#spicy speaks#and I have to WORK on Friday#I don’t mind though#my boss needs to go to a last minute family thing#so I’m happy to help them out#but oh my god#everything is just#one thing after another after another#I was excited to go to the gym tonight but I remembered I have to go to the meeting for the honor society I’m in#fuckkk#I was looking forward to me and my roommates gym and clone wars routine#gym#then we come back to the apartment and make dinner of some sort and watch clone wars#the best#euuuurrrghhh
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