...

Love the feeling of "I need a distraction now before these thoughts consume me but also I refuse to distract myself because the thoughts are loud af"

SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours

Hello anxiety my old friend

wisdom tooth pain ranting in the tags don't mind me

elaborate in that shua imagine rn 🔪🔪🔪

JOSHUA — 00:51

i wasn't going to but i'm sooo horny worked up for shua these days that maybe i can use a little self indulgence 🧍attached the fansite pics that drove me insane in the middle of the day for funsies too <3

warnings: school uniform kink? smut (MINORS DNI)

"it wasn't this tight before." joshua pouts as he checks himself out in the mirror right after buttoning his shirt. "my friends used to tease me for being all lanky back in tenth grade, too."

it takes you a while to formulate a response—definitely not because you're distracted by the way the taut fabric of his old high school uniform visibly strains against the delicious circumference of his biceps. joshua glances behind him with a quizzical look.

"uh." you gulp, hoping to god that he didn't notice the way you almost drooled. "you go to the gym like thrice a week. i think the gains are very much spoken for."

your clipped response makes him arch an eyebrow but your boyfriend doesn't really comment on it. instead, he turns back to gaze at his reflection and promptly flexes his arms—the poor short sleeves doing their best not to tear at the seams.

fuck. you can feel your core throbbing at the supposedly innocent sight of your boyfriend admiring his own hard work. you cross your legs from where you're seated on the swiveling chair by his desk, silently pleading for your brain to please get out of the gutter.

"guess you're right," joshua laughs softly. "didn't expect that it'd be tight around the chest too though. maybe all that weight training was worth it after all."

"but baby, why are you looking at me like you wanna fuck?"

long story short, that's how you ended up on top of joshua's childhood bed with your skirt bunched up your hips—his long, thick cock sliding into your velvet heat with a torturously slow pace.

"you're such a filthy girl, aren't you?" he chuckles, tongue swiping along his bottom lip as he watches his length disappear inside you. "my mom is kind enough to cook us dinner downstairs but here you are getting worked up because of an old uniform. you like my arms that much, baby?"

you hate how joshua knows you like the back of his hand. you barely even gave away any hint of being turned on by how his shirt emphasized his broad shoulders and beefy arms, but he's got killer intuition after all.

"y-yes," you dole out pathetically, helpless from how deliciously he stretches you open. "so fuckin' hot, shua... got wet just looking at you. couldn't help myself."

your boyfriend sighs, planting his palms flat on either side of your head as he gazes at you lovingly and ravenously at the same time. he halts his movements completely as he lets you feel the way his cock throbs inside you.

"so impatient," he scolds. "couldn't wait until we got home before giving me those pretty bedroom eyes, huh?"

not seeing any incentive in saving face with a lie, you nod. "need you now. p-please fuck me shua. wanna get split in half on your cock—!"

he meets you halfway with a harsh thrust that makes the headboard thud against the wall, momentarily startling you out of your fucked out haze.

"god. fuck, baby," joshua rasps before leaning down to graze his teeth along the cut of your jaw. "don't say those kinds of things. we need to be quiet. wouldn't want my parents knowing how much of a dirty girl you are—wanting to get fucked stupid in my bed on the first visit—now do you?"

you shake your head—a prickle of rationality miraculously still floating amidst your lust-addled mind. joshua's parents are absolute sweethearts. they welcomed you into their house with open arms and wanted nothing but to make you feel at home.

what they don't know—and you hope to god won't ever find out—is that you feel most at home with your hot boyfriend fucking you stupid.

"joshua," you whimper quietly as he pounds you into the mattress—his arms flexing with the strain of thrusting into you with vigor while staying as quiet as possible. "you fuck me so good, baby. fucking love your cock s-so much!"

"you sure it's my cock that you love, not this uniform?" he breathes with a condescending smile—the muffled noise of skin slapping against skin ringing in your ears. "i've never seen you get horny so fucking quick over any other outfit i've worn before."

you can't even chide him for insinuating that you have some sort of school uniform kink or whatever—too delirious with how the vein running along the underside of his dick slides along your gummy walls. the wet sound of sex fills the room and you can only hope that neither of his parents would hear what's really going on in their only son's bedroom.

"'m so close, shua," you plead, tears catching along the line of your lashes as you hook your arms around his neck. "fill me up, please, please. need to feel you come in me, baby—i want it."

"needy fucking girl," he growls before hooking the back of your knees across his elbows—fucking into you with waning precision. "i'll finish inside this needy pussy and you'll sit at the dinner table with my cum dripping out of your hole. you want that, huh?"

before you can wrench out a semi-coherent response, joshua crushes his lips against yours before lifting your ass higher from the mattress. the new angle makes the fat head of his cock graze the sensitive patch of flesh deep inside you—making you cry out pathetically against his mouth.

your pussy clamps around joshua's heavy length with a vice grip, eyes fluttering as your orgasm washes over you like a storm surging into calm shores. your boyfriend isn't too far behind as he starts muttering obscenities against your lips before you feel his hot cum surge into your battered cunt—filling you until overflowing.

he strokes your hair lovingly as you both come down from your high, shared pants saturating the air with heat as he flashes you a ditzy smile. lightheadedness aside, you roll your eyes before mustering what little strength you have left to lean in and press a kiss on his lips.

then, a knock on his door interrupts the quiet afterglow.

"joshua, dinner's ready. both of you head back down, okay?"

he looks at you before stifling a soft laugh, slipping his softening cock out of your ruined hole before flashing you another heart-rending grin.

"we'll be right down, mom."

just a rant feel free to ignore

i hate the fact some people will simply hate me bc i have a heavily stigmatized disorder like ffs that post actually ruined my entire day. being compared to a fucking cobra makes me wanna just lay and cry like im not a fucking animal. and it doesn't help the fact i already feel extremely paranoid of people secretly hating me and only being nice to me out of necessity and to go out of your damn way to say you'd always be suspicious of people with a cluster B disorders. these bitches will complain we suffer from low empathy and then they won't have any themselves im so sick and tired of being thought of as someone who would backstab or as if someone who has meaningless friendships and doesn't value their god damn friends. like i have fucking feelings too, im not some heartless zoo animal waiting to tear into you and use you hello !?!? i need to go on a walk or something I can't even distract myself, literally shaking from the anger. i told myself i wouldn't get bothered by some random ass cunts on the internet and here i am feeling hurt over some garbage person who idgaf about. being so pathetic rn i need some air haha.

So, as long as i have insomnia (it's hard to find a mental issue I don't have rn, i mean I'm fucking Ash Ketchum but with mental issues instead of Pokemon's, catch them all, bitch)

I started a new story!

To basically scratch every itch i still have. I know basically all the main events in this story, i still can't decide if i want a happy ending or DEATH ANGST SUFFERING cause i love me some angst but i kinda want it to be nice in the very end? Somebody should be happy it's definitely not me then at least it should be my favourite fictional characters.

Anyway.

WIP WEDNESDAY!

‘Hey, Eddie!’, - Buck is smiling like today is not Monday. Buck really has this sweet smile which Eddie used to like… in the past. He remembers vividly the exact moment he decided he doesn't like this smile anymore. ‘She sees me’.  The exact moment his heart collapsed. Apparently though, ‘she saw him’ for not too long. For an even shorter period than Eddie himself tried - and hell he did try hard - to build something with Marisol which was obviously just a desperate attempt to distract himself from the sad truth. Where the truth was - he loved Evan fucking Buckley. His path to accept his queerness was hard enough. His path to accept that he is close to fail his friendship was brutal. He, anyhow, managed to deal with all of this. At least he was pretty sure he did. And now Buck just smiles at him. Like nothing even happened. Like he didn't smash Eddie's heart with three words. ‘Are you going with us to the bar after work? I want you all to meet someone!’. Eddie grins: ‘Of course. I hope it's nice someone this time’ To be honest, Eddie doesn't give a damn, who this person is. But he can play pretend perfectly. Even with Buck. Okay, especially with Buck. And where did 'you shouldn't pretend with me' go? *** ‘So, who do you think Buck would introduce?’, - Hen is pouring beer but she looks directly at Eddie. He doesn't like it though. ‘I have no idea…’, - and not that he wants to know. And why does Hen think he knows? ‘We haven't discussed his adventures much, so I'm in the same position as you are’ Hen's face is unimpressed: ‘Well, I hardly doubt it. I mean you and Buck…’, - Eddie interrupts her: ‘Are friends. Lately not even close ones i think… Why don't you ask Chim? He's his brother-in-law, he should know’ Hen stares at Eddie's face for a minute searching for something with no success: ‘Ok, if you say so’, - she's definitely not convinced but at least she stopped questioning him, switched to Chim. Apparently, he also doesn't know anything.  When Buck's entering the bar and Eddie sees him - his heart collapses again. It's getting annoying but he can't do anything with it. Because there's Buck, looking damn gorgeous, and… there's this guy, having his hand on Buck's waist. And Buck smiles. ‘So, guys… meet Sam!’ And here goes this specific pause when everything just stopps and all the sound go down, this pause needs to be broken immediately. And Eddie is the one who breaks it with: 'Well, better than I expected. Nice to meet you ', - and he is the first to shake this guy's hand. Right under the sympathetic glances of Hen and Chimney. Very sympathetic. Very uncomfortable.  He can manage this, right? He just has to.

I won't tag anyone cause today I feel like everyone hate me cause i hate myself but I'll be creating a taglist from interaction to this post.

I still write mostly because my mind needs to be away from reality, so I'll be writing anyway and spamming your feed so if it bothers you (i mean i mostly post writings and memes so i have some questions) you can ignore my writing tag.

i have a biiiiig problem. i need to get a lot of work done today, but i'm tired and i want to sleep. i know if i take a nap i'll prolly end up asleep for like at LEAST 3 hours, probably morel like 5 hours, and then my sleep schedule will be weird and messed up. but i dont know how productive i'll be right now because i'm miserable so i might just end up wasting 5 hours fucking off getting distracted anyway.

also, BECAUSE I'm fucking miserable i currently hate being alive but i can't kill myself because i have two people in a refugee camp relying on me and i have friends & family who would be sad if i died. but every day is a fucking slog. stuff that's supposed to be fun is a slog. lying in bed for a while and being unconscious would at least fix this a little bit, but i'd still have to work after that. and idk what to do. i don't want to DO anything.

i showed my therapist one of my vents and he tasked me with figuring out where or when I DO feel connected to anything or anyone, even if it's not fully. and i don't know what to tell him. so far the only thing i've come up with is fiction.

like, there are moments with people too, of course. talking to people, but a lot of those moments get spoiled in my memories of them. and i can't trust people. the only places i feel connected to anyone or anything is fiction. but there's not really anywhere for me to go with that.

i think i'm gonna nap. i know it's a bad idea, but i can't stay awake rn.

vent

please dont read if youre not in the right space rn. heavy on anger and feels. just wanna type it out somewhere and this blog is my safe space so

i am so fucking angry right now. like the kind of anger thats pent up and bubbles beneath the skin and is ready to implode out at any fucking second and i hate it so much. i dont feel like i have very good reasons for feeling this way either. or maybe im downplaying those reasons, i dunno

i dont want to bother any of my friends with this shit. i feel guilty because ik they have their OWN struggles. ik feeling this way is silly because i help them through so much, and am so glad to do so. but theres always this doubt.

anyway. on discord, i put my status on DNIUC sometimes because i just need space and ik that most of my close friends will see this and know to be careful that day. or if they text and im slow to respond, ik they understand. but theres these friends who KEEP spamming. and its driving me FUCKING MAD. one, who is very close and gosh i love them so much, sends me so much every day. youd think after the first few times i didnt respond, he'd get the fucking jist and think "ill stop there" but instead he KEEPS ON. ITS OVERWHELMING. and the subject of these texts isnt bad or anything, but its always about him and his bf. i dont have the energy to talk about them 24/7. im beyond happy for him, that hes happy. but FUCK. im asexual and never have been in a relationship, and sometimes it feels like a fuckyou to me?? ik he doesnt mean it that way at all!! but!!! idk, sometimes its like theres a longing for a bf of my own. but i dont want to settle. ill wait for the right boy. right now, hes not here. and im not actively looking for a relationship, i have so much shit going on. so, i usually ignore this guys dms as long as i can. i feel guilty, but at the same time fucking furious that i even have to do it in the first place, if that makes sense. i love him dearly, but it's forced me to just put my status on 'invisible' so it looks like im offline. better to avoid people, ig.

theres another guy, who isnt as close, but ive made great friends with thus far in the time ive met him over a game i enjoy. but again, doesnt know when to stop. why are you texting me when it says dniuc!!! YOU ARENT CLOSE. ive explained 'close' is friends ive known for a year or so, which isnt exactly true actually... but i needed to tell him something that wouldnt hurt his feelings. after i clarified for the second time, he let up. but still. people are fucking annoying and its so FRUSTRATING that i love them because that makes shit so complicated.

then, family. ive been snowed in with my mom and sister for over a fucking week and I NEED OUT. i never thought id say this but I WANT TO BE AT SCHOOL. AWAY FROM HOME. my neighbors, who are more so aunt and uncle to me and my sister, let me go over and stay hours with them when i need it. but i dont feel like trecking thru the fking snow to get there. last night i stayed over and watched a favorite movie of mine with them and it was great, but having the energy to do that feels exhausting tonight.

im trying to distract myself with art, but its not working like it normally does. and its goddamn hard. tried videogames, youtube, but nothing is bringing me true relief. but i dont want to sleep either. ugh.

vent art, anger.

i’ve just been feeling so disconnected from pretty much everyone lately and it’s kind of driving me crazy but there isn’t really anything i can do about it like. it feels like everyone else is moving forward while i’m still stuck in the same place i’ve been for so long and it’s so fucking lonely 🧍‍♀️sometimes talking to people helps but sometimes it just makes it worse bc it reminds me how far behind i am like lately i’ve been coming away from totally normal conversations feeling even lonelier than before and it makes me want to isolate again but i know that that won’t actually help either plus i’m tired of losing people by doing that. also i don’t wanna hear about how everyone moves at their own pace or whatever bc this isn’t even really my pace it’s my parents 😐 all i can really do is try doing things to temporarily distract myself/make myself feel better bc at the end of the day i’m still unhappy and i will be until i can get out but i can’t get out without money and i can’t get money without a job but i can’t get a job rn bc of reasons i’m not getting into on here. anyways sorry i hate talking about personal stuff on here but i need to get some of this off my chest and i don’t like taking all this to anyone directly bc it makes me feel like a burden/annoyance 😜 so anyways…

fuckkkkk i didn't need that (just text but like, vent again so whee)

ive like, got them as my fp (diagnosed bpd finally wooohooooo what a process) which doesn't help our relationship so like pls don't just 'man, they aren't good for you' or 'thats unfair' or 'stop being dramatic' ive got bpd. they dont fully get it yet. it's a process and im incapable of leaving them rn bc id likely kill myself for it

anyway. they just went to bed. after saying they were tired and goodnight on call to me in the middle of me rambling (which they said twice was okay to me after me being paranoid that i wasnt rly being that interesting or considerate) and ive been trying to distract myself from everything bc its literally painful for me and ive been trying to search for ways to just, not focus on being suicidal and wanting to self harm and everything. and i hate myself for everything point blank but. they just.. it was so sudden and abrupt? and so i completely shut down but then i got angry bc in the middle of me typing a message to explain for when they woke up, they messaged. it was like ten minutes after they said gn. and then act like 'well you seemed upset so i wanted to check' no fucking shit??? you interrupted someone with both adhd and bpd mid conversation to leave? with no indication of needing to prior? ofc im gonna take it personally??

so like, having that, and then just try to tell me to stay safe so im like. relapsing, not severely, in spite almost because i hate being told to stay safe after they just. go. they leave me to myself when it isn't really that late for them and how they used to be and then expect im gonna be okay when they leave while im then trying to explain what's wrong. like stop fucking confusing me you couldve just fucking gone to bed initially since that's what started it and doing it again just made it worse. and i feel so shitty. i feel like a terrible person, a monster, and i cant fix it. so here i am just.. doing the opposite of thriving and trying not to kill myself. but im great

would you rather :

— study with kaiser for a history exam

— study with sae for a maths exam

— study with bachira for a science exam

Okok so you see, Bachira is a terrible choice bc he'd get distracted and then I'd get distracted. Also I hate science rn. Fuck bio.

Sae...he canonically knows nothing outside football, idt he'd be studying A.Maths with me which means I'll be crying alone.

Kaiser doesn't seem stupid. Annoying and cocky, yes, but not completely brainless. Therefore he'd be the best study buddy of the three, probably. Also it's history so I'd actually need to study, I can't see myself studying for maths.

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

sadposting

idek why im sad its been a lot of RSD vibes today just little things making me hate myself intensely and feeling like i can't do shit bc there's a lot i need to do and i just don't and fall behind and get more stressed and hate myself more

my fiancé is also really amazing and i love living w them and they always make me feel better but i need to be okay on my own too and to be able to get things done, just being comforted when im stressed and going to distract myself with something doesnt fix the things i am Stressed About idk

mayb i should go back to therapy but also i rlly wanna save money to move bc fuck florida holy shit and literally everywhere has more affordable rent than my area it is fucked but moving is expensive and im worried abt a lot idk

i also wish i drew more ive been hating my art bc i never draw so i never get better and i just see other people's amazing shit and how much other people have grown and i feel stuck and like even if i get better ill never be as good and never be someone who does cool commissions or that someone would want my art as a pfp or background and idk a lot of people have an art style with more personality and vibes but mine just looks stupid and idk how to make it more specific and stylized in any way i just hate my art rn and myself but i should work on positive thinking and supporting myself instead of tearing myself down but i suck at that too

so i've been extremely overwhelmed by....... i guess everything online lmao, it's really hard to focus on things when you're constantly bombarded with things you don't really need at the moment

i'm trying to get back into journaling but damn it's so hard. i know my head isn't empty, i spawn walls of texts almost daily, but my mind goes blank when i'm in front of an open notebook because i don't know what's truly worthy of writing down? it's kind of like with drawing at this point. i'm stuck with the art block because i don't know what's worthy of drawing. and guess what made me feel this way? the social media lmfao. i hate that literally every idea i consider cool i never depict because my brain immediately goes like, "who cares about this?", "this won't get noticed and also you're too late, so don't be cringe", etc

i hate this so much idk. anyway, i think i'm going to make a list of things to focus on, both personal projects/artistic inspirations and fandom related ones. i do have things i overfixate on for years, so why am i letting myself be distracted by some random content ideas that only matter to me for like a day or two...?

i should also start limiting inspirations in general, looking at my folder rn and realizing that there are just WAY TOO MANY things i want to incorporate into my work and it really overwhelms me. reminds me of various artists saying that "less is more" and holy crap i should start limiting myself. this is something i slowly started to realize on my own when i did some pixel art, which is limited already due to its nature, with some color palettes instead of randomly staring at a color wheel for half an hour, not being able to decide which one to use.

also i found out about artfol, social media for artists, and so far it seems promising? haven't tried it yet, maybe i will upload some stuff there later. also maybe i'll finally sort everything here on tunglr dot com and make a separate art blog and will use this one as my "main"-diary-esque blog where i won't post much. it's not like i'm on here anyway, my dash feels overwhelming so i don't even scroll past 3-4 posts a day anymore on here. i'm tired of social media. it doesn't feel personal anymore, it's not fun, not interesting...

fomo effect used to fuck me up before something clicked and i stopped scrolling things. because due to nature of the modern internet, i have more chances of stumbling across useful/interesting information if i just keep scrolling through junk. since as you know, google is dead anyway, shit is hard to find these days, and indeed, every cool thing i managed to find was through random braindead scrolling (post 2016 i mean, i miss mid 2000s era when stuff was actually GOOGLEABLE and you didn't need to scroll long ass feed to stumble across cool things, you could get there at your own pace while just surfing the web). so the habit was made worse by "damn what if i miss some obscure post that features obscure cool thing that will matter to me once i get to know it??" but i'm just so fucking exhausted... everything i love about the internet because so dormant, niche even. the internet, as i define it, is dead to me. it's really heartbreaking