as happy as i am for lissie and marcus (even though I knew they were already together because I literally watched them make out with my own two eyes) it was honestly my last straw. I’m so tired of seeing everybody on my social feeds happy and in relationships when I’ve just had the worst week of my life and have basically given up on falling in love because if I can’t even drive how am I going to go to places where I’ll meet people?!?!? i have spent every Valentine’s Day alone while my friends go on elaborate dates and I’m just so so tired

not the make out sesh 😩 oh to see them with my own two eyes irl... what a pretty sight it would be

this got quite personal and hit a little too close to home so im putting a lil keep reading thing

love :(( i’m truly sorry you feel this way... but god i felt this ask so much... first of all, i'm really sorry about you having a bad week. it's completely fine to feel the way you're feeling, it must really suck, but i'm sure you'll get the license and you'll be driving shortly!! i am keeping my fingers crossed for you ❤️

i’ve always been very calm about relationships and love, very much “i’m not in a rush” and “it’ll come when it’s time”. i’ve always been a hopeless romantic but i haven’t been stressed about it – i’ve always been so busy that i haven’t really had time for love, and i've been okay with hearing about friends and their great love lives while i've spent pretty much every weekend and holiday alone at home. but… eventually, it becomes exhausting, you know? when falling in love for real just seems so far away and like something so hard to achieve in some way....

i also kind of feel you on the driving part... i decided not to get my license for a bunch of reasons, and idk how i'll get around without driving... but also as i am still living with my parents, it just seems impossible to meet someone, because where would i bring them? home to meet my snooping parents?? no way

i think we just gotta hold on to the hope that when it is the right time, it will happen. i don't believe in the whole "don't rush it" thing, i think that we're all allowed to seek and chase love if we want to, but i also think it's okay to take a step back and just breathe and be okay with the situation. unfortunately, our current day society is so formed around relationships, soft launches and hard launches and dinner date pics on insta and public proposal videos, that i feel like the pressure easily gets overwhelming. there's also something in the way that people think other people's love lives is any of their business, like friends and relatives asking me why i don't have a boyfriend, as if a partner is something i need to live my life? surely it would make it better, but i don't need to be reminded and hurt yet again over the fact that i'm alone, when i'm just trying to move on in life...

i'm trying to stay patient, open to any opportunity, and remembering that social media is merely a highlight reel and not reality. i hope you too can find peace in remembering that things will get better, we just have to work through this first. we will get through it and come out stronger on the other side. darling, if you ever need something from me, want to rant, or anything else, know that my messages and inbox are always open 💗

Let's talk about the dreaded pliant bones argument in ACOTAR

First of all, I don't ever want to see this stupid argument anywhere, especially after HOFAS. Second of all, none of the Archeron sisters are Illyrian so they do not have Illyrian anatomy suitable for childbirth. And yet, we see Feysand and Nessian as mates. So it's not like SJM even cared about that herself.

Then ACOSF happens, and oh no, c-sections don't apparently seem to exist and it becomes a BIG DEAL™ that Nesta changed only her own body and Feyre's body to have Illyrian anatomy.

People have been latching onto this argument like Rose on the goddamn Titanic, anything to cling to their sinking ship.

Let's not forget that Elain & Nesta had their bodies changed already once before, against their will. Why the hell would Nesta change Elain's body without obtaining consent after that traumatic experience? That would be a gross violation of bodily autonomy.

And Nesta was shown how to change the bodies. Which could hint that she still knows how, should a similar situation arise again.

But none of that even matters! What matter is that it's 2024 and we are still saying a woman can't be with the man she loves because she can't give him biological children. That is the crux of the argument Gw*nriels always try to skip around and say without saying. Like "oh no!! She can't have his babies!! Ship sank. It's over. The End."

As if a woman should be reduced down to her ability to procreate. This is not the middle ages people! Wake up!

Also, not to mention, even if we use that disgusting logic - The only other female in this series that is mentioned to have Illyrian anatomy is Emerie. Are we shipping Azriel with Emerie now? Because she can FOR SURE have his babies, if that's all that matters. Who cares about her own desires and personality and sexual preferences if she can have illyrian kids??

Now let's consider what people have been latching onto:

Gwyn...is flexible and adapts to training moves quickly. That's why Nesta commented she had "pliant bones", that's IT. She is part nymph and "has different anatomy than high fae", sure, but is that anatomy in any way, Illyrian? Water nymphs don't have Illyrian leathery wings either so I don't understand why insisting Gwyn has "pliant bones" is in any way endgame ship material. Why would her half-water nymph heritage give her the anatomy to birth a full grown illyrian-winged baby??

And then there's the cowards that use this argument by hiding behind SJM herself by saying "Well, I hate it too, but SJM is *kinda* known for writing like this and her characters are all male-dominated, fae-territorial blah blah, she is *kinda* hinting at endgame because the womb thing–" NO. No.

Don't hide. Tell the room exactly what you are saying. Which is the exact same misogynistic spiel as above, where you try to use gross medieval logic to justify your mf fictional ship, but you hide your faces when you say it. Because you know it's wrong, but you're still not above using that as "evidence" in your ship's favor.

I've even said before, I don't care what SJM says. If I don't like a misogynistic take, I am not using that as evidence in any capacity for any reason.

I'm not even being biased by my preferred ship. I genuinely just want people to stop using this argument because it's hurtful to women as a whole. Ship wars are fine, but ffs, when did we get to the point where we are pitting two women against each other based on whose uterus is more suitable??

And before you even say "I just have a problem because I ship Elriel" No. No.

It's about these kinds of cheap arguments in general. I have also never been one to go off saying how Gwyn can't be a valid love interest because her past SA trauma - That argument is also archaic and hurtful. I've never once used it. I don't like seeing it.

Can we just - Not do it? The only reason such arguments have gained traction is because they're constantly echoed by the toxic sides of the fandom online. It's gross and I don't want to be a part of a group that condones that.

Ship who you want, but let's just be respectful about it. We should not have to resort to cheap arguments like the above.

Favorite Darkling quotes

I'm gonna write my favorite Darkling quotes 'cause a) I'm bored b) I love him and miss him so much.

Anyways I'm not gonna rate them cause every one of them is fucking iconic (as he is).

Let's get into this!

"Blue sky. Once more. Speak my name once more... Don't let me be alone."

These might be my most favorite quotes of his. His last words. 'Cause with his last breath he showed that he was only human after all. Cruel and damaged, yes. But still human.

There is no safe place. There is no haven. Not for us. There will be, he promised in the darkness, new words written upon his heart. I will make one.

I ADORE these lines. Less than 24 hours ago two Grisha tried to kill him (one of them a supposed friend) and what did he tried to do after that? Create a safe space for his kind in order for them not to go through what they went through. If he's the villain for this then I wish we had this kind of villain in our world.

‌"All men can be made fools."

OKAY OKAY LISTEN. I love this line for two reasons. Firstly, cause it's true. Every person can be made a fool. BUT! Secondly and most importantly, he hints to Mal and Alina (Alina actually cause Mal didn't know he was there) that he was made a fool too because of Alina. He fell in love with her and felt hope for the first time after centuries that this new person would be like him, live with him and spend eternities together. He would no longer be alone. And she seemed that she wanted him too as far as he could tell. And then what happened? She run off, found Mal and turned her back on him and their country. That mostly disappointed him, I think. In a large degree. And he must have thought what a fool he was to trust her and fall for her. Hence that amazing line.

Let me make a mark on this world before I leave it.

And boy did he not make it? Years after his death in R&R and people still talk about him. He made a mark not only on the world but on people too (no pun intended for Genya I swear. I love her😭). He made a huge impact and even antis have to admit that. Actually more than the actual protagonist but anyways *coughthe fact that the villain made bigger impact than the heroes in the storycough*

"Fight me as long as you're able. You will find I have far more practice with eternity."

You fucking iconic legend with your fucking iconic lines. And yes, I believe him. No matter how many decades Alina would fight him, he would be unmovable.

‌"It’s harder when you like them. You mourn them more."

That line is so true. The more you care, the more you get hurt. I'm sorry but a quality that people often overlook about the Darkling is his wisdom. I would sit and listen for hours to him talking about life, love, death and people. After so many centuries he's so knowledgeable.

Also, this line makes me wonder how many people he had loved, lost and mourned. Because obviously he talks from experience. *Sigh* I would die to read a book about his whole life before Alina.

He only wished that it wasn't winter. He wanted to turn his face to the sun and feel it warm him. He'd been a long time in the dark.

Yeah he's cruel and manipulative and the villain and blah, blah, blah. But again this line proves his humanity. He loves the sun (how much are you willing to bet people that his favourite season is Summer😏), he loves the sunlight, its warmth and light (another clue that Alina is his soulmate dc what anyone says). Our baby was resurrected and first things first he wanted his wife beside him and the sun to hit his face (priorities people🥹😍).

"Then I'd be alone too."

(*whispering*don't cry, don't cry, don't cry)

So. Heh. I may have a soft spot for fictional characters that suffer from loneliness. Probably because I have suffered from it too most of my life (🫠). I'm sorry but you can hate him all you want alright? No one can stop you. But people that don't feel an ounce of sympathy or pity for him and what he has gone through are just useless to talk to. Most of all he wants someone to make him company to this endless sea of eternity.

Deep blue like the True Sea. Red like the roofs of the Shu temples. The pure, buttery color of sunlight—not really yellow or gold, what would you call it? All the colors you couldn't see in the dark.

(fuck. lost control of my tears after all)

Baby shadow summoner can control the dark and its blackness and yet he loves all colors that are bright. But most of all the sunlight.

(DARKLINA STANS RISE)

Also, he made the Grisha keftas blue, red and purple because he loved these colors the most, change my mind *sip tea*

‌"Fine. Make me your villain."

Ah, yes. The cult classic one. Honestly, this line makes me feel bad for him. Cause he has tried the peaceful solution so many times (not with just Alina but generally). At this point he's like: "Fuck it. If I have to become a monster then so be it." They leave him no choice and furthermore he's obviously grown tired of trying diplomacy.

"I’ll be certain you hear it when I make her scream."

I froze the first time I read this line but now I laugh every time I do. Here he shows how petty he can be and how much shame he doesn't have (in your face Mal😚).

‌"My Alina. You cannot run from me."

OKAY LISTEN

I know it sounds creepy but "my Alina" and "I'll always find you" MY DARKLINA HEART GUYS

‌"I know what you thought, what you always thought of me. It's so much easier that way, isn't it?"

My strategic baby. But this line is also sad. Cause he knows how Alina views him and, even if he hides it well, deep down I bet it hurts him.

‌"You two have a bad habit of acting like fools and calling it heroic."

Isn't that the truth tho? Our boy spitting facts once again. Also this line can be applied to other characters from different fandoms as well.

‌"I seem to be a victim of my own wishes where you are concerned."

TRANSLATION: I TEND TO FORGET ABOUT THE WORLD-DOMINATION PLAN CAUSE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, LIVE WITH YOU, LOVE YOU, MARRY YOU, HAVE 7 KIDS WITH YOU AND DRINK SOME TEA ON THE PORCH TOGETHER WHILE THE SUNLIGHT HITS US

TRANSLATION NO2: I GOT MY ASS KICKED CAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY THINKING THAT I WAS KISSING YOU AND WOULD FINALLY HAVE THAT WEDDING THAT I WAS PLANNING BABE

Is this line a kind of love confession or what? 🥺🙃

‌"We all have our secrets."

Mostly I love this line cause it just sounds cool. But after I read the book for a second time I realized that it could tie with the "Demon in the Woods" book. It's a nice little nod. If you get it, you get it😉.

‌Why did you go to her? Because with her he was human again.

A nice (though bittersweet) little way to end this post. 🥹

With Alina he felt human again. That part that was buried deep beneath him and rarely if not ever got out. Do you remember how she made him laugh with her honest remarks on "Shadow and Bone"? How his eyes closed and his breath stopped when she reached to stroke his cheek on R&R? How he broadly smiled when she laughed about how common his name was? That was Aleksander Morozova (especially that last part). The boy that grew up forcefully and was thrown to a cruel world too soon, too violently. They were these 400+ years that made him cruel. It was eternity that broke him. Loneliness and pain that made him withdraw. Until Alina came. And she could bring to the surface that buried, broken boy. And it felt good to him (although inconvenient too). She made him feel vulnerable. And when he was resurrected he seeked her out to feel that way again. Human.

*sigh*

Thanks for coming to my ted talk guys. 😔✌️

Feel free to write in the comments your own favorite quotes of him 😊❤️

Of course Ming Ye’s plan to save Sang Jiu involves gruesomely dying in her stead. If aesthetically suffering was an Olympic sport, the man would be going for a gold medal.

I have my issues with this portion of the story (not the way it’s written, it’s done well, but with my liking or lack thereof for this couple, about which more below) but this is the important point! Yes, the tears are important blah blah but this is a lesson about how to swap someone’s demonic stuff without, you know, driving nails into them like they are evil Jesus. 

By now, I am quite done with these two boneheads, but I confess that made even my cold black shriveled heart hurt.

(I guess they had a starter marriage :P)

Ummmm, honey! She just massacred 10K people! I am sure they had old and kids among them. Like...by now I want to smack both of them with a shovel, tbh.

Awwww. Even with my annoyance at these two, this once again made me :(

Sang Jiu being her charming self. Let the man die in peace (or, since you yourself are about to keel over), let him survive in peace. 

OK, OK, Mousie, stop being irritated and concentrate on how pretty LYX looks here.

And then she’s all “psych! I can’t be undevilized or even survive because my normal body is dead.” You couldn’t have let him know BEFORE he got repeatedly flambeed for you?

It’s OK, hot dimbulb, there are many many fangirls who will gladly accept your...ahem...divine essence. All night long.

What the hell! Now that she’s dying, she still wants to do her best so he’d not have any peace. No dissipating before a final twist of the knife. WTF! By now, any shred of sympathy I had for her (and to a large degree MY) has disappeared utterly. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think it’s bad writing - just as MY is terrible at communicating and prone to dramatic gestures over common sense functioning, Sang Jiu is incredibly self-absorbed and immature from beginning to end. She was someone who thought it was a great idea to marry a guy who did not know her at all because he was hot. She also thought it was a great idea to force him into sex right after they got divorced. She didn’t wait to find out whether the method she came up with would result in divine punishment or whether it was still worth it to use the crystal chalice despite where it came from or or or or or really anything. It’s just before she went powerful and evil, Ming Ye and the viewer could ignore the red flags (which got redder and redder; I mean much as fictional dubcon in 14 was hot, it WAS 100% dubcon/sexual assault; no nice sweet good selfless well-adjusted person does that) but once she got power into her hands and trauma really shoved her further, it became really clear. It’s kind of like Tantai Jin. If he has no status and no power, does it matter in terms of its effect on the world if he would love revenge or is cold or has trauma or w/e? No, of course not because whether he’s a well-adjusted sweetheart or dysfunctional psycho, he has no power to carry out anything, whether it’s to open a puppy shelter or to carry out a wholesale slaughter. But once he gets power, his traumas and quirks become everyone else’s concern and one must deal with them somehow because he makes it everyone’s business. Same here.

What. The. Fuck. That is not romantic, this is UGH. Honestly, I am glad MY and SJ found each other because they should not inflict themselves on other partners. It’s kind of amazing that I started out liking them and by now I am all “thanks divine lightning, hurry it up with your barbeque.” 

He ultimately does not but by then I stopped caring. I am so so so happy we are back to our headcases Tantai Jin and Susu.

The thing is - my ranting does not mean I did not enjoy this portion of the story (unlike in the novel where I skimmed it since I dngaf about it at all.) The acting is great, the visuals are nuts, and the characters, including MY and SJ are completely internally consistent and their actions make total sense for what and who they are - their arcs are logical. I strongly dislike both of them by the end, but that does not mean it was not a well-done story.

hii,, pls dont let the hatenons get thru u and make urself doubt abt how u write. no one has the right to make someone feel sht for doing something that they want to the things that they do,, like how u write the characters in a story. and ffs if they think ur making someone ooc? then they havent seen any prompts in their entire life. no matter how goody or hell of a villain the character, therell always be prompts that makes the character(s) ooc. and like what? say all of the authors stay IN character, wouldn't that just be bland asf?? this place is a plothole for fanfictions, FANFICTIONS. so why not get wild with ur imagination?? go ham because u have the will and right to just do that. isnt it cool to see other self depiction and perspective of any characters that u fancy??? like, "oh no! what if santa was all seriousness and no laugh and blah blah blah" wouldn't that be fun to see and be explored and talked or whatever. and before that hatenon use this in retaliation, "that's santa not blah blah blah" god i hope that u have the brain to be able to analyze that its an example. dont they have any creative idea??? (i mean u can practically see the answer to that). and please, ure right when no one writes RE without going out of character, have they seen the domestic written fics FOR WESKER???? tell me anon, do u THINK that WESKER would be any like that??? or like that?? the closest thing he'll ever be to "domestic" is when involving with a woman in the sheets but then again, purely and only for his own benefits and nothing more (you'd be lucky if he doesnt kill u after all that). hes the most ooc out there in RE imo when written in fanfics bc people dont stay and write him in character bc people already see and know that and thats why and what makes him ooc here. hes literally the biggest example youll see,, my god. im not saying no one had written fics without going out of character, but they make it sound as if u did the most horrible thing by going ooc. and its literally easier to just not bother themself interacting with ur works if it doesnt sit right with them,, that easy. no need to be an ahole and spread sht just bc it doesnt cater u. go write one for urself then bc not all authors write only for us people out there, they also write here for themselves so naturally, youd see and read things out of ur taste. and tbh the og charm and personality of the characters arent lost and not that ooc to me yknow.... they're still them and just like what u said, not everything's to a T when it comes to writing someone,,,. i mean i just enjoy everything yall write bc thats how it should be done here. enjoy and reciprocate to the author

oooookkkay,, this is my piece of mind, and i need to calm down cuz holy sht i just literally woke up and seen this, u having hate anons again. i did not open this app just to see u be drag down. idk man, i feel protective of anyone who encounter this. bc why make someone as miserable as u?? im just tired seeing people being dckhead to someone minding their own business and life,, plus i rlly like u and ur works (⁠ ⁠´⁠◡⁠‿⁠ゝ⁠◡⁠`⁠)

sorry im anon too SHAKDISH but maybe i can be pancake anon eh? (im craving one rn 😋) fufufu, please have a good day and week and dont mind these kind of people. believe in u and ur capabilities as a writer and author here. we really appreciate you :))

hi pancake anon i love you and you stole the words right from my mouth.

Chris and leon have so much trauma i doubt they even have time to think about women it’s FAN FICTION. for a reason.

people get pissy at me for writing about the older men i head canon and i DONT GET IT

love u sm pancake anon thank you

OFMD Ask Game: 4, 9, 16?

favorite inanimate object (turning on hardmode for myself: no picking the most obvious and awesome plot related ones)

i’m gonna go with the teal earring! for a couple reasons, one of them not even plot related.

on the surface plot level, it’s just super adorable, and jim/oluwande kills me softly all the time forever. who knows if the show will circle back to this later, but i wouldn’t mind at all if they just leave it there— because no matter what chain of events anyone wants to decide they like best, it’s all perfection.

either jim met oluwande and went ‘hey, that very attractive man is wearing my favorite color’ and that sends me into the stratosphere, or when they met jim had a different favor color— or maybe no favorite color, because the revenge training life doesn’t lend itself to pondering favorite colors, and after spending day in and day out next to literally the best person on the face of this fictional earth ofmd has created, teal became their favorite color.

(or, hell: jim always loved teal, and jim bought the earring or encouraged oluwande to buy it because they wanted to see him in their favorite color! the possibilities are endless.)

but the thing that really makes it for me is the story vico told about how originally, jim was meant to clarify at the end of the episode that they lied, and that purple was actually their favorite color.

given the way jim and oluwande function as a bright mirror for stede and ed (and sometimes for ed and izzy) that makes a lot of sense. purple often stands for ed’s increasing willingness to be vulnerable and his slow movement to opening up, this is the episode with ed shedding the leather to just wear his purple top and jim is having their ‘if you want a glimpse into ed and stede’s future, look at jim and oluwande’s plot arcs because they are either doing the healthy version of whatever poor choices their narrative reflections are making/going to make and stand in as a signpost for where this show is going overall’ place in the narrative cemented.

but one of the cool things about tv (or any medium where a writer hands off their words to other human people) is that those people bring new life to something that hits different when it’s just those words, standing on their own without the nuance an actor can bring to said words.

jim’s favorite color actually being purple made perfect sense, in the version of the story that didn’t have vico and samson breathing new life into already amazing words— jim’s favorite color being teal is the only appropriate choice, now that those performances exist. the fact that they changed that original plan is a perfect example of how the best kind of tv writing needs to marry having an overall plan that doesn’t shift from day one so they can write towards it with oodles of flexibility and the knowledge that stories tend to shift and change as you tell them long-form. 

knowing what cannot be changed and what is absolutely up for grabs is one of those fine writer lines that sort of can be summed up as ‘bones stay the same, but you should def fuck around with with you stretch over those bones as you go’ but blah blah, more complicated and i can’t start talking about that or i’ll never shut up.

(finding out that the almost-kiss was also vico and samson being like, fuck it we know this is heading to us ending up together and this feels right is yet another perfect example of how good actors who are dialed into their characters are one of the best assets a tv writer has.)

FAVORITE ANACHRONISM hmmm, what haven’t i mentioned yet.

on a serious turn, i’m going to go with the use of phrenology; as a data point towards this being a purposefully alternate history, leaning on metaphor and rolling its eyes at the idea it can’t just use whatever has the most narrative crunch/is the most fun, it’s great.

as a thematic statement, it’s a fucking killer. i need to actually finish the weird white jesus post (it got... like, maybe a multi-part deal and also i ended up needing to do a bunch of extra research to solidify the details on stories i know the broader strokes for, so. SOMEDAY!) and it’ll probably come up there, but the beat i’m most obsessed with is the way phrenology rises for a lot of reasons, but motivationally is essentially an excuse to continue with the brutality of empire, in all its many forms; because one of the lies we like to tell is that nobody knew how horrific this all was.

they knew! like, everybody knew. some people might have denied they knew, to themselves or others, yet more went ahead and convinced themselves anyone not already white and civilized like they were white and civilized deserved what they got, and the details admittedly were often obfuscated, and paperwork and first hand accounts buried/destroyed, but people fucking knew.

so what do you do, when your empire— your life, your comfort, your power and status— rests upon illogical (and genocidal!) bullshit, and ‘god wants us to do this’ is sort of losing its societal oomph as bougie intellectualism becomes the newest mode of empire.

you make up new and even dumber race science, baby. it’s okay to keep a boot on the neck of basically the entire global south when science says they fucking looooove boot leather and anyway they're all like children and prone to criminality so really this is the kindest and best thing to do for them, and that the shape of their head is how you can be sure of that.

ofmd using phrenology is a very pointed middle finger to the whole ugly process, and i want to buy everybody on the team flowers.

aaaaand favorite joke i haven't mentioned yet. i'm gonna go with the whole DO THE PUPPET VOICE scene, especially since it culminates in nathan doing hilarious fucking improv and now i can say 'AND ME LEGS ARE STICKS" to myself and laugh forever.

Podcast Hauntings Part I

Hey, [REDACTED],

Hey! Hope life is treating you well! Saw on social media you've avoided Covid too -- just got my antibodies checked again! We should hang out soon?

Look, I get it. We haven't talked in like...fifteen years. And I know what happened that night was But we didn't have a falling out, right? It was more of a drifting apart, yay college, heh. Friends until the day we die... that's what we always said that night, right? I mean if you called me tomorrow....no, okay. I probably wouldn't have even listened to the voicemail for weeks. So I have no right to be writing this email, asking you for help. (Is this even still your email? Mine hasn't changed in fifteen years.)

I think I need help. I think it might be supernaturally related. It's...christ it's now almost 2 3 AM, so bear with me if I'm a little weird in the words. I haven't slept a full night in weeks. I know people say that, but I am talking spurts of half hours. It's -- well that's not important.

So, I am still a writer! I write audio dramas now for a living. Well, I say a living. I write them for money, but I have to still.... it doesn't matter. I make money at it, so I can say I am professional right? I hope you're still doing some writing too! Did you keep that demon dictionary? I know we said we'd get rid of it but

Anyways, remember how we used to go to all those author signings, and they would talk about characters coming to life, taking control of the story through the author. It was always so metaphorical, blah blah, and like that's really cool! But I never really once believed an author was being held at knife point over a story from a character. They didn't....actually come to life.

[REDACTED], I swear I have no other way to say this. I think I am being haunted by the characters in this audio fiction I'm working on.

It's a cool show, life in a weird small town. Reminds me of that show your dad used to love - Twin Peaks? Get a lot of vibes from that show in so much media these days. Don't ask me how many times I've watched Gravity Falls. Anyways, I've been working on this podcast for four months now, and it's going pretty great! Got some good traction, amazing sponsors lined up -- even got a few guest voice actors that would make teenage us scream in delight! It's a wonderful mixture of horror and comedy -- I am loving working on it. My first solo written episode airs soon!

But... at some point the voices started. I could hear them everywhere, constantly coming from behind me. Then it was the dreams.

And now I'm CERTAIN I've seen one of them. I don't know how else to explain it. They.... I mean they aren't... I'm going to have to explain this to you in person.

The last person I tried to get to help me said i was overreacting this isn't scary enough to keep me from sleeping my trauma wasn't enough for them

This isn't me just hallucinating from a lack of sleep. If I sleep for longer than a couple of hours, I risk dying. I've come too close to death so many times now. The bruises oh God and that time I woke up feeling a hand on my throat? The comments that week

I need your help. Can you call? I know it's been years. But I don't know who else to trust with this kind of secret. You're the only other person who remembers what happen that night. I don't think it's related, but... I don't know who else to turn to at this point who won't instantly try to talk me into a 72 hour hold.

I hope you still check this email. If you do, give me a call at 404-44x-xxxx

-Mel

Writing process

blah blah blah

For the most recent writing project, we had to select either a genre of music or film-then an artist or film-then a specific song or scene. I decided to write about science fiction movies, and the particular movie I had in mind is called Arrival. I love interstellar and alien type sci-fi movies. I have always been fascinated with space. And if I weren't going to law school next year, I would be studying astro-physics. So far I have learned about the history of science fiction.

2. Surprisingly, this writing project is kind of fun. At first, I was anxious because I didn't think I would be able to find much to say about all of this. At first, I was going to select a genre of music, but the thought of having to stretch it out into a 2-3 page paper was a challenging thought. Thinking about movies, though, that seemed do-able. This time around, I decided to brain storm by putting pen to paper, instead of just jumping into typing a rough draft.

3. Using the phases of the writing process from our textbook, write about which phase is the most difficult for you and why. Include a quote from the chapter that reflects something you learned about the writing process and explain how you will use that information in writing your essay. (10 minutes)

For me, the very first phase "understanding the assignment" was the most difficult. I have ADHD, so comprehension of prompts, especially on topics I'm not overly enthusiastic about, is very difficult. Even when the prompt is clear and precise, for some reason I get extremely overwhelmed. This paragraph from the textbook Rhetoric Matters really helped me to understand the writing process in a different way;

"What is the process we [writing instructors] should teach? It is the process of discovery through language. It is the process of exploration of what we know and what we feel about what we know through language. It is the process of using language to learn about our world, to evaluate what we learn about our world, to communicate what we learn about our world. Instead of teaching finished writing, we should teach unfinished writing, and glory in its unfinishedness."

I think that the issue is that like fanfiction is ideally doing something different than traditional fiction is doing not that it's worse or easier to write. People have strong feelings about whether or not fic is the same thing as other kinds of more "high art" literary retellings or pastiche and I don't think that really matters, bc I think in their most "idealized" forms, they're functionally doing the same or very similar things. There's plenty of "bad" fanfiction (that I enjoy just like any other pervert), where characters are ooc and set in an au that strips them out of the conflicts and contexts that made them interesting in the first place.

People assume fic is easier to write bc you don't need to establish characterization or do any world building but I don't think that has anything to do with it being easy, bc fanfiction isn't about world building or creating characters in the way that traditional fiction needs to be. It's about (or ideally is about) pulling on the threads of a story or a character in such a way that it makes you reconsider or engage differently with the source text, which I think is plenty difficult to do in a compelling way.

A lot of contemporary romance and fantasy fiction is basically just bad fanfiction, which is a problem 1 bc the worst thing about bad fanfiction is the shitty prose but 2 bc it doesn't do anything to get you to buy into the world or the characters - like when books are promoted based on their "tropes". I love a good trope! Tropes are a big part of how intertextuality functions! But they're just scaffolding, if there isn't any substance then they aren't holding anything up - so these books just feel empty.

I think fanfiction is having a particularly uncool moment rn, and whatever "fanfiction is different from true literary retellings bc of its relationship to copyright blah blah blah" get a hobby tbh, but the truth is that I think fic and published literary retellings should engage with their source material in similar ways, which is that "good" fic or a "good" literary retelling doesn't need to tell you who the characters are or what their central conflicts are bc you already know those things! That's the whole point! It just explores those things in interesting or unusual ways.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that fanfic and original fiction are different not bc one is inherently better than the other or easier to write than the other or more literary or meaningful than the other (and one might be, I don't have a stake in that argument, it's just not what makes them different) but bc they're trying to accomplish different things. But also should really be ultimately trying to accomplish the same thing, which is to tell a story that assumes it has an intelligent reader.

What do you think about the anti jonsa takes that could be translated to “Sansa isn’t good enough for Jon”? I feel like if I didn’t love them both I’d not like the ship only because it’s exhausting having to read all this dumb takes from jon stans (or j0nryas/j0nerices (even though I fully believe we’ll get jonsa) Anyway, I guess that happens with every ship that has a female character who is widely hated, but this infuriates me

It’s pretty funny. Their hatred is so irrational, they won’t even acknowledge her political importance. That speaks of a certain desperation, doesn’t it? And, if you look past the fact that she is clearly going to matter to the North (I mean, it’s a reach but I’m convinced that the key to the North that everyone views as the means to hold the North will matter in the North. It’s hard to connect those dots, I know...) and want to talk about her as a person, we have Tyrion who looks at her and thinks she is specifically talented at dealing with people. He finds her gracious, attentive to the Lords, believes she would be a good queen, that Joffrey is stupid for not loving her. I mean, Tyrion is a perv, but clearly, the author is trying to tell readers something, and it isn’t just that she’s politically important. Or just that she’s beautiful. She is everything society expects her to be. She would have been a good Queen. The standards are exacting; she measures up. The author did that and made his favorite character recognize it. The same guy the fandom perceives to be the smartest character. So, are we supposed to think Joffrey knew best or that Tyrion was right?

The hypocrisy the fandom displays when it comes to Sansa is so outrageous that you get over the anger pretty quick and then you just have to laugh. Tyrion is a bookworm (good), but Sansa being a nerd (bad/useless/boring). Dany and Ygritte love songs/stories (good/heartwarming), but Sansa loving them (bad/stupid). Val carrying a knife and threatening to chop off dicks (they want her to be QitN!), but Sansa taking a knife to defend herself (blah...who cares). It goes on and on and on. I think the preexisting disdain a lot of fans have for the archetypal “maiden” or “damsel in distress” figure prevents them from seeing all her good points. Instead, they gravitate to the more action oriented characters and assume the narrative doesn’t value Sansa anymore than they do.

Of course, I think they’re missing the point. The way Sansa not only knows the Houses (understands the history of people) but also pays attention to individuals seems like it might come in handy for a ruler. I know it’s sexy for characters to run around killing people, but listening, knowing, understanding people seem like crucial skills, don’t they? Begging for mercy for her father’s life only to see him executed by an evil ruler, being on the receiving end of gross injustice and abuse, and still feeling pity for her enemies, it reads like the set up for Sansa to be a uniquely merciful adult and an incredibly compassionate, just ruler. And that brings us to the “I’ll make them love me” quote. Martin is writing a character who will deserve loyalty, trust, love. The fact that some fans say she doesn’t is an indictment of their values—not of Sansa’s value.

Even if Jon and Sansa reunite, spend their time arguing and don’t like each other at all, I will still like Sansa. A woman’s value is not dictated by whether or not others approve of her or love her, in the fictional world or ours. Jon loving Sansa isn’t what makes her worthwhile, and if he doesn’t, it wouldn’t make her less so. Sansa’s value is innate. And, I doubt they say that kind of thing because of the improbability of Jon loving Sansa. I think they say it because of the distinct possibility. Even if it is purely familial, their relationship will matter, and they hate that.

So, I guess the answer to your question is, I just don’t care what they say? No one agrees entirely about what’s going to happen, but you can’t genuinely be trying to understand what the author is doing and come to the conclusions they do. They start with their Sansa hate and try to find ways to justify it. I’m simply not interested. And, whether we get romantic Jonsa or not, I think our segment of the fandom has a much better grasp on the heart of the story than the rest, so I am very happy not interacting with the fandom at large. They might think it’s outrageous to ship cousins; I think they’re full of shit because they don’t spend nearly as much time decrying pedoships. This has nothing to do with morals, nothing to do with Sansa’s attributes, everything to do with who they like and don’t. And of course! We all have our favs, but their takes go beyond reason. If you want to be involved with the rest of the fandom, you will have to keep your Jonsa shipping a secret/on a sideblog or they’ll discount everything you say. But for me, I don’t mind limiting my reach, so I have started blocking people like it’s my hobby. My tumblr experience is so much nicer for it!

Anger and Love

I can tell you this. I still hurt over the ending of this show and the reasons roll into each other, like tangled yarn tossed in a bin. (In this metaphor, I am the bin.) 

Castiel

The BURY YOUR GAYS trope. My GOD when will this show learn. (The answer is never. Never, because it’s over.) In 15x18 Cas confesses his love and then dies. Guess who else dies in this episode? Charlie and Stevie! The writers said, “Who will hurt the most to lose? Ah, yes. Charlie in the new and terrified bloom of love.” We can ASSUME that Charlie and Stevie come back, but we don’t get to see it or hear about it. And we get the barest throwaway line that Cas comes back in 15x20, but not seeing him physically return after over a decade on the show feels like a blow that just won’t stop. 

More EMOTIONS below the cut.

On Thursday, I said to Boris that it would have been better if we’d never been tossed that crumb about Cas’s love. Why give us this FEAST and then take it away like Chuck poofing away a dog? Many people have pointed to network cowardice, and that’s certainly a possibility. Some people have put forth the theory that exposing Cas’s love for Dean was simply a season-ending ratings move. Either of those could be true, or some mix of them. Listen, I can spin myself around that stupid knot for days and we’ll probably never get the whole story. Instead, I have to look at the core of what Castiel coming out means for me. And the truth of it is, it means A LOT. It means I love him a whole lot more. Cas is mine, he’s ours, he’s one of us. And I’m angry as hell at how it went down, but I’m still glad we got Cas’s side of the story. I have a pride pin on the lapel of my Cas trench, and it’s never felt more perfect.

So I’m angry, but I’m also incredibly glad. Ugh. Knots.

Boris: We’ll never know what actually went down during the production of this season and the hiatus changes or the show’s narrative arc, but I have to believe that Robert Berens was given some kind of go ahead and planned for a lovely and beautiful ending for Dean and Cas. That his story was taken from him at the end (much like Wayward’s eventual ending), is so unfair. Because Cas’s story wasn’t completed. Dean and Cas’s story will forever float out there for us to ponder. Like Natasha, I will cling to Cas’s confession and see it as a beautiful coming out moment for a character I love very much. I’ll be forever despondent that we didn’t see Dean’s story play out on our televisions.

Dean

I didn’t come out as bi to more than three people until my late 30’s. It was something I was first in denial about, and then it just seemed “not relevant” for a large swath of my life (married for 18 years now). Talking about that with my family and friends surprised me - how relieved I felt. How free. As I was working through this, I was also slipping into Supernatural fandom, and watching a show where Dean COULD BE bi. Reader, I projected myself right onto Dean Bean. Maybe he was like me. Clueless, then in denial, then thinking that part of himself irrelevant. So giving us Cas without Dean, given the scenes we watch on the show, feels like a personal affront. I know I’m projecting here, so I’ll acknowledge those feelings and move on to the next…

I am also PISSED about Dean’s story. All his life he’s been “daddy’s blunt instrument” and ready to die bloody on a hunt. It’s spoken about so often that we think surely - at the end - we’ll subvert that. SURELY he’ll survive. The last couple of seasons, he’s fighting for control - freedom from Michael, freedom from Chuck. He finally achieves that freedom and then loses everything anyway. There are no rewards on Earth. He died solving one last case from John’s journal. Daddy’s little soldier to the end. It’s disgusting to me to take this beautiful, complex character who is textually SO FULL OF LOVE and then take a pass on imagining what he might do with a real life on earth. It’s lazy writing, used for a cheap, fast, emotional reaction. The more I unpack Dean’s fate against the rest of the series, the angrier I get.

Boris: I think so many of us confused and discovering things about ourselves later in life see Dean as a character that matters. His story, had it been told fully, would have mattered. I don’t buy his death or his peaceful afterlife. It’s still too raw to process because he deserves happiness in life!

Billie

“I know Supernatural has a history of killing off characters of color,” I told people, “but Billie’s a main character now!” W O W 15x18 is the kick that keeps on kicking. I did actually enjoy Billie’s arc quite a bit, but losing her still makes me angry, in the broader context of the show.

Women

“Supernatural isn’t great with women,” I said. “But we have Mary now! And Billie!” Please picture me as Olaf when I say. “Mary DIES. Billie DIES. Only sad men remain.” Sure, we get some throwaway lines. We know Donna’s alive in 15x20 because of the call to Dean’s phone. Actually, scratch that, we know someone talked to Donna…because this show didn’t want to address that literally no other hunter knew about or mourned Dean’s death so they had a random stranger call Dean’s “Other other phone” for help. Great. Now I’m mad about Dean again.

We can probably blame some of how the final episode shakes out on COVID. Presumably, the final scene in Heaven would have been a party with Mary, the roadhouse crew, original Charlie, maybe Eileen? Kevin? etc etc. Instead, it’s an empty, lonely end on screen.

Which brings me to Eileen. Sam’s romance was laid out carefully throughout season 15, so what the fuck happened here? We assumed we’d at least get some confirmation that Sam ends up with the woman he brought back from the dead and then dated as recently as a couple episodes ago. Instead, there is literally NOTHING. No attempt is made to say that Eileen’s the one Sam ends up with other than his son having dark hair. There are no family portraits. No sign language to the faceless mother by the house. (Standing in a floral dress, like a good housewife.) Is she dead? Did Sam end up with someone else? Even without dialogue, there are ways to show Eileen’s presence that weren’t used. I’m so angry that she was an element of the season and then…hand waved away as irrelevant. The faceless wife MY GOD, SHOW.

Boris: Yikes, I cynically see the reason to not include Cas in the end because homophobiaTM but to not even give us Eileen and Sam? Clearly, they wanted to erase every person that mattered to the brothers from the end. Ugly.

Heaven

The funny thing is that I’m constantly trying to write a “happy eternity in a now-free Heaven” in my own fan fiction. If anyone should like 15x20 it should be me! I’m always trying to argue that it isn’t major character death, because their souls are infinite and now free, blah blah blah. So ultimately, my problem isn’t with peace in Heaven. It’s with Dean’s EARLY DEATH, and how empty Heaven feels. How desolate and devoid of life. Dean leaves the Roadhouse and drives alone until finally Sam dies and joins him. It reads like the ultimate fuck you to the “family don’t end in blood” storyline. If COVID filming got in the way of filling Heaven with life, then we have all suffered a great loss. It should feel ecstatic and full of community. Instead, it just feels wide and lonely.

Ultimately, boiling the season finale into an intimate portrait of brothers should work on paper. It SHOULD, but the show leaves so much unsaid and unshown about the community and family they’ve built along the way, and tells us to be happy with the scraps we’ve gotten instead. It tells us they were never that important, in the end. 

The Future

I’m still going to watch the show. I’m still going to enjoy the show and the characters. There are reasons I have watched all along, and they don’t have anything to do with needing the show wrapped up in a neat bow. I’m angry with Supernatural’s conclusion, because I love it. And I’m okay with that.

Boris: I love this show so much, and I know I’ll continue to love it. I need time to lick my wounds and forget about this episode. This show is about the characters and the journey and that’ll never end.

Hellooo

I once again want to let some steam off in your ask. Sooo sorry in advance 😅

1.

You know I think it’s funny, seeing people write things like „dabi is a grown ass man he is making his own choices, so what if he had a bad childhood he is grown now, he is ohh soo bad he doesn’t deserve help blah blah”.

Like sorry to break it to you, but growing up doesn’t just mean that years are passing and once you are off age you are this morally flawless adult. Humans get shaped and influenced by their surroundings and other human beings you interact with (and primary your parents) why can’t people get this. And Trauma obviously doesn’t just vanish by itself once you are grown. On the contrary it will accompany you trough all your life and fuck with you day after day if left untreated. (In no means do I have any degree to get deeper into this subject but I think this as much should every decent human understand)

2.

So what if I’m tooo sympathetic with villains like dabi (Sympathizing never excusing). The world could really need more of this and I think it’s easier to do so with fictional characters. Maybe if the human race wouldn’t enjoy seeing others crash and burn so much (endeavor-> all might) and focus on what’s really important (family, friends, yourself) and taking care of each other such tragic cases like the league would be avoidable.

3.

Now Dabi obviously needs to be hold accountable for his crimes he has to take consequences 'Cause he’s gone too far. And no amount of trauma just gives you a free pass to wreak havoc as much as you please I get that. But I just can’t understand how people can see this child and not accept that he is psychically broken and physically hurting. (If I see “throwing a tantrum” anywhere again I’m going nuts). He is literally burning himself over and over again and begging to be loved.

4.

For me dabi is a fictional character that’s stand for something more. He displays the ugly sides behind closed doors people are ignorant to. Domestic abuse is a constant in this society and gets often overlooked. So I love the fact that dabi is taking this in is own hands he is dragging his shit into the public he is ensuring that everyone is looking at him that there is now chance to turn a blind eye on the matter. He is pushing people to start using their own mind to take action to question things. Is he using entirely wrong means? Oh absolutely but what does he have left to lose.

What kind of justice is this if the abuser can walk freely into his happily ever after while the victim gets crushed by the gravity of the deeds and literally burns in hell. My only wish is that endeavor also is held accountable for the things he has done and that dabis efforts aren’t in vain.

On another note am I dramatic enough would dabi be proud 😪

I need to stop writing long as shit in the middle of the night.

At least the touya is misogynistic take is truly hilarious.

Lastly to end my rambling please don’t hang me for any grammatical errors. I’m trying...

Have a pleasant weekend 💕

Thank you for these wonderful points, well said!

Hope you have a great weekend too!<3

Pls write mini essays about phoebe + next gen and paige + next gen!!

word i’d said i’d to this then i forgot i’m doing it now i’m gonna start of with both phoebe & paige + their kids and then i’ll burn through the list

okay so for starters phoebe i think phoebe’s family wins like the “most functional” award it’s not like a landslide win y’know it’s not like piper and paige’s families aren’t function but this family is comprised of an empath advice columnist, a cupid relationship therapist, and three cupid-witches. like, they’re all kinds experts of communication and self-awareness and understanding and relationships and bond blah blah blah they being said of course they have their issues but in general it’s relatively smooth sailing there is of course the flipside when friction usually generate from the kids starts to spiral out of control and phoebe & coop will be like let’s use our words help us to understand you and where you’re coming from do some breathe exercises and the girls would be like no!! can’t we just argue like a normal family!!! can’t you just get angry at something!! but those are um few and far between. and of course like phoebe really really wanted to be a mom we all saw we all didn’t enjoy it but that’s very much canon she really wanted three daughters she got that so i think phoebe was very much like Prepared for motherhood (like as prepared as one could be). like it wasn’t like she thought it was going to be smooth sailing but like she was ready to face any challenges that could be thrown at her she was ready to put all of her love and effort into this one thing and i think for her like Mama Era from pj’s birth in 07 to peyton starting preschool in 2013 i think she really like almost exclusively worked from home she was really hands-in she was in all the mommy groups and the pta and the whatnot but like. y’know that’s like 6 years. and phoebe really loves her job. so i think she’d really have a career renaissance once all of the kids were in school i think she’d slowly start to dive back into column work i think this is when she’d start to write her book after the success of that one i think she wrote another one i think she has a fiction series posted under a pseudonym that is more of a ya magical adventure series (which paige designs all the covers for) i also think she and coop have a podcast together maybe run through the bay mirror maybe independent the point is she’s really popular (i also think she’d be the wealthiest out of the three sisters bc she makes bank and so does coop as a therapist for those not in the states therapy is like really fuckin expensive as i recently learned y’all do not know. it’s a bitch. but yeah they got money. but that’s not the point here. the point is she’s really popular). book tours, doing stuff with the podcast, guest appearances on a variety of tv shows, i think phoebe’s not like. at home a lot. or at least she’s home the least out of piper her and paige. and it’s not like her kids really mind like she is just a beam away and she always makes it to important events (and unimportant ones!) like she takes photos before every school dance and she throws birthday parties and she really dos try to make it to all of the kids soccer games but like. she’s not always just like. home all the time. and i think she’d really love to have a lot of emotional heart-to-hearts with her kids but that doesn’t always happen. if pj needs an emotional heart-to-heart, she’s gonna talk to her dad. is parker needs an emotional heart-to-heart, she’s gonna talk to pj. is peyton needs and emotional heart-to-heart she’ll position herself on the couch late at night when she knows phoebe will be coming home and just sorta sit there like waiting for phoebe to show up and go oh honey what’s wrong bc uhh peyton will not like. go to someone to talk about their problems. she has to wait to be asked. that’s just the type of person she is. lucky for her, phoebe’s an empath so she can like tell when baby peyton’s in distress but lbr she usually doesn’t need it because like peyton perches in such an Obvious manner like hi mom come comfort me please : ( even tho she’ll never like say it out loud. i think phoebe’s also like proud of her girls and their practicing of the craft bc she remembers how she felt about magic hell how she still feels about magic and she’s always telling them like follow ur heart and love is ur greatest strength (and the power of three will set you free, of course) bc her girls are cupitches y’know it’s more true than ever but like. lowkey tho. it fucking terrifies her. magic like takes, man. a lot of people she knows have died. and she just like. she doesn’t want to tell her kids no bc it was grams controlling nature that made her rebel so much so like she wants them to be able to come to her when they have a magical problem and she knows that if she tries to stop them or tells them they’re out of their league they’ll probably just stop telling her things so she doesn’t she tried to be supportive but jesus fucking christ he gets so scared sometimes. she gets so scared.

paige on the other hand had nowhere near the same experience with motherhood as phoebe bc well i think paige has the most complex relationship with motherhood set aside the fact that her kids are the only unplanned ones out of the entire next gen, she also like. she was a shit child. she was mean and violent and an alcoholic. she had committed so so many crimes before she was even 17. and she had a really good mom!! she had a mom who loved her and tried her hardest to support her and keep her from falling off the deep end who loved her unconditionally she had the best mom and she was still just a little shit! and i think that really fucks her up. like, looking back on it, she can’t imagine half the stuff she put her mom through. she was really cruel. and like!!! her mom was a good mom!! so paige doesn’t know she doesn’t know what she’s supposed to do. how she’s supposed to stop her kids from turning out like her. what can she do so she doesn’t have kids who end up exactly like how she was. henry isn’t like a load of help her bc henry Also never knew his parents and he jumped around from foster home to foster home and like never really felt like had a family until paige. and then like in his whole parole schtick he was definitely a hard ass he was definitely an Authority Figure bc hell that was the only way adults could get him to listen to them when he was a kid so he just kinda emulated that. however after meeting paige and really getting a feel for her whitelighter side and how she handled these situations i do think henry switched up his vibes he made the necessary changes. i also think like henry like no he wasn’t planning on having kids but i think he was really excited to become a father like he was gonna have a family like god he always wanted a family he was gonna teach his kids to play catch and he would host birthday parties stupid birthday parties with themes and balloons from safeway and friends there and goody bags the full kit and kaboodle like henry would fuckin go to bed each night dreaming about how he’s gonna do all these familial things he never got to do. bc he didn’t have a family. but paige did. she got all those things. and she was still fucked up!! so i think the conkclooshun paige landed on was that her mom tried to hard to like. like her mom saw her potential and always strived to push her to be that perfect version of paige that she saw her wonderful little angel when paige really wasn’t that paige wanted to be seen for what she was not some vision in her mom’s head and maybe that’s why she would like get drunk and steal a cop car bc she wanted her mom to see the girl standing right in from of her not an angel just paige. so paige was like. okay. i’m no gonna project onto my kids. they’re gonna be like “charmed ones” (there’s only two of them but w/e they’re really powerful witches) but i’m not gonna. i’m not gonna see them as that. i’m going to try to see them as they are and i’m going to be their Mom. i’m not gonna be some distant ethereal figure which is kinda how she felt a lot of the charges she brought to magic school viewed her bc she was this mythic charmed one and she was this she was that i think paige didn’t want to be her daughters’ whitelighter bc she didn’t want a “professional” relationship with them. there was no way she could advise her own kids the way she could advise her charges, she’s simply way too close to the situation. and she doesn’t want her kids to view her like that. she doesn’t want to be their whitelighter, she wants to be their mom. and um this really does work for the most part like she & her kids will like sit on the couch and just like yuck it up you know like the mitchell clan really is a tight knit they do all love spending time with her but. like her method of parenting really works with tamora. not so much with kat. kat’s a lot more witchy than tam is she’ll actively go out and seek out trouble she pursues the craft with a very similar hunger to what we saw in paige s5 and paige kinda hates it. like. god okay she gets it she gets it she really does. but kat’s a kid!! she’s just a kid and if she keeps looking for trouble she’s gonna get herself killed and i think whenever out god knows where doing god knows what paige just remembers that time she had to watch chris bleed out on the bed with nothing she could do. and how she- how if that happened to kat- she- she couldn’t go on anymore. that’s basically the fact of the matter. if she lost a child, she doesn’t know what she would do. give up. probably. and it’s again sorta like the inverse we see with phoebe’s free range demon hunting where paige gets so overprotective about it that kat just stopped telling her things. this gets doubled by the fact that you’re not my whitelighter, so why should you even care! and kat does view it as like a lack of faith from her mother (which is one of the reasons why kat and chris are so close) and she just wants to. she wants to prove herself. she wants her mom to see her for all that she could be, instead of just the place she’s in right now. and i do think as time passes paige learns to sort of let go of this control i think her and kat have the most difficult relationship but paige letting kat leave to take a gap year and explore the world was like a major step and kat acknowledges this to an extend she gets it was difficult for her mom but she really has no idea how much paige panicked how much it took every inch of her self control not to go out and drag kat back home because yes baby birds have to leave the nest eventually but these baby birds have a very high stab rate. um jumping over to her relationship with henry jr i think she does encourage his studying of the craft he is the most well read out of any of the next generation with wyatt taking a close second hell henry jr even knows like a bit of latin this kid is wicked smart And bonus round he’s aware he’s mortal. like yeah paige can kinda sense that it does ruffle his feather, but henry jr knows when to step away. again, henry’s really well-read. he’s brushed up on the family history. he knows the warren line is close friends with death. as a bit of a bonus round but also to give paige some peace of mind, she did give henry a basic charm that grants him the same high resistance that all witches are born with as well as cloaks him from magic bc like paige and henry sr both knew this mortal baby was gonna have a wicked high kidnap rate so they figured y’know best do all they can to Stop That from happening. the enchantment that henry jr has is a necklace it’s the same one paige wore throughout the show. bc i’d like to bring that back.

okay next gen time wyatt i think wyatt likes paige more than phoebe it’s not like a competition or anything it’s just gun to his head that’s who he’d chose bc paige really is like this witchlighter she walks the line between being charmed and being a whitelighter that wyatt can really take a lot of inspiration from he just doesn’t have that with phoebe phoebe’s a little bit more of like a love guru and wyatt’s got a weird relationship with love bc he keeps flinging himself headfirst into it and keeps getting bruiser bc of it what wyatt actually doesn’t know is almost all of the advice that has gotten him out of these troubling times has almost all been sourced from phoebe piper usually goes to her with advice when it comes to all that i mean i don’t think wyatt would like to know that post-breakup wyatt is just like kinda embarrassing he doesn’t want to know that’s being shared with the family of course he already knows he just doesn’t want confirmation

chris surprisingly closer with phoebe probably bc she’s an empath and again she has this whole free range witchcraft style that she has going if chris has a question he needs to ask somebody he’ll usually ask phoebe bc she’s the only one who won’t report back to leo bc again she’s an empath she gets it she knows what’s going on and she knows he just needs time and he and leo need some good honest communication paige also gets that but paige also watched chris die so yeah no she’s gonna snitch

melinda about and even tie melinda gets a lot of witchlightering advice from paige on finding harmony there but she’s also an empath she she spends a lot of time learning her craft from phoebe and how to focus that and apply that power to her witch/whitelighter abilities in ways paige can’t really teach her bc paige’s power is more physical that psychic/emotional. but it is like paige who gives her the groundwork on like. getting it. i think gun to her head if she had to choose she’d choose phoebe just because of those times they’d go out and do “field practice” where they go somewhere interesting and crowded and sense the wave of emotions and go out and try to pick out people from the crown it’s an art of drowning out the din and finding one you need to find a way of not getting lost in the sea of everyone else’s everchurning emotions which is nice bc it grants melinda a much wanted and needy control over empathy but it’s also nice bc it’s like. fun. phoebe always makes it fun they can always have a laugh.

tamora’s not like hella close with phoebe there’s really no reason for her to be however she is baby peyton’s favorite cousin (don’t tell the rest) simply because tamora’s both like studious and cautious and baby peyton’s tired of everyone running around trying to fight demons like what about normal life irl and stuff so i think tamora would definitely like tutor baby peyton this that and the other and so like phoebe really has like a sense of respect for tamora and tamora likes being over at phoebe’s y’know it’s not like peyton’s some snot nosed kid it’s fun she likes the vibes

kat has an appreciation for phoebe bc she definitely knows phoebe had a hand in helping her mom let go of her y’know that being said it’s not like she loves to spend time with phoebe phoebe’s both an empath and paige’s sister so like she knows that anything of note’s gonna be passed onto her mom (which isn’t like. entirely true. but it is kinda true). if kat’s gonna hang out with an empath she wants it to be one on her side so she’ll always pick melinda

henry jr okay so phoebe’s actually the opposite with henry it’s kinda like her and paige swapped places here bc paige trusts her son she knows he’s really well versed in magic blah blah blah and that he’s got y’know. common sense. he’s not gonna run into some situation half cocked and get himself killed he’s aware of his mortality. phoebe on the other hand did not raise henry so she doesn’t get him the way paige gets him; a large part of her free range ideology is the fact that her kids are basically little power loaded god their charmed and as an added boost they’re also half cupid they’ve been raised in the craft they’re insanely well trained so like. she knows that they’re capable. henry does not have their advantages. so i think phoebe really tries to hold him back isn’t quite the right word but like. it kind is. she doesn’t want him doing anything magical.

pj’s in the 07 baby squad even though she’d at the younger end of the scale so she was a grade behind mellie kat and tam but that little barbershop quartet’s p tight knit i don’t think she has like insane exposure to paige as i think cupids and whitelighter work very differently like at the most basic magical level and therefore paige’s halfling experience really doesn’t do that much to help her i think she likes paige alright but like. it’s nothing compared to like wyatt relationship with paige

parker always like runs towards danger she’s got an insane amount of energy and like a fire within her i think she’s always trying to push boundaries and break the rules eg with her cupid ring becoming an athame i don’t think she straight up asked paige bc like parker definitely views all adults as narcs but with this of that ilk parker bounces questions off paige which paige just always answers like really honestly like if parker asks a question that’s like really complex and strange paige won’t give her a roundabout answer she’ll just tell her what’s up and for that parker respects paige

peyton i think sees paige the most through tam i think she likes paige i think she’s definitely privy of the whole paige/kat situation bc like who is the family isn’t but i think she really kinda takes paige’s side her peyton thinks the real worlds insanely dangerous she doesn’t like looking for trouble and her heart lowkey goes out to paige bc she knows the whole thing with kat is a matter of love it’s just something that’s hard to work with

How to get a 4.0 with ADHD-C and Dyscalculia

(Or, how to survive Uni as a disabled student)

Disclaimer: 

This is what has worked for me. I don’t claim that this will work for everyone. Not every ADHD brain is the same. Also other axis of privilege, time of diagnosis, and support are different between people. I have severe ADHD-C and was diagnosed as a young adult and had little support to help me deal with my symptoms until I met my partner. Psychiatrists aren’t trained to help you deal with the range of issues you will face. 

Do keep in mind as well that some professors are just ablest assholes. The idea that someone is kind, empathetic, or will always follow federal law just because they are in a profession that gives them a power differential is ridiculous. You may also run into professors that also take pride in their exam distributions looking like a statistician’s nightmare. Keep an eye out for the obvious dog whistles, and do research before registration when possible. If you end up in these situations, drop the class during the add/drop period if you can. If not, be prepared for your GPA to take a hit. 

I’m writing this from an American perspective, if you are in the UK/Europe I lived in Scotland for 5 years and would be happy to help if you have questions regarding the Equality Act 2010 and the UN convention of disability rights.

A. Lifestyle:

1. Sleep hygiene. Sleep = study retention.

I had trouble sleeping for most of my life. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep or stay asleep at the appropriate times. A lot of people deal with this by being “night owls” — i.e. just accepting that our clocks are set later than neurotypicals’. Other people deal with this by sleeping on a biphasic or polyphasic sleep schedule. 

There is another option though. You can train yourself to go to sleep at the same time every night and wake up at the same time every morning. This might take a couple of weeks for your body to adjust. Here is how I did it:

Take your morning dose of medication about 30-40 minutes before you actually need to wake up. This allows medication to kick in. It’s similar to the trick of drinking a cup of coffee before taking a power nap. I have two alarms. One to take my medication, and the other to actually wake up. My medication alarms have a particular tone so that I don’t take my medication twice.

Wake up at the same time every day, including weekends. You can’t oversleep or your body won’t adjust. Do not press the snooze button. Get up right away to start your morning routine. The 5-10 minutes that your snooze gives you isn’t going to make you feel less tired. It will make your feel groggy, which is something called sleep inertia. Your body doesn’t get to complete a full sleep cycle, and it will donk you up.

Add going outside to your morning routine. Even if it’s the winter, or mostly dark. I have an adorable greyhound, and he has to go potty as soon as I wake up. In the very least open your blinds/curtains and open your windows to get some fresh air and morning light. Studies show that light effects our circadian rhythm. I find that even when it’s dark out though, going outside helps due to the cool morning air.

Keep a consistent morning routine. Do everything in order like you are going down a checklist of tasks. Make your bed as your final task. Don’t get back in your bed. Your bed is for sleep or sex only.

Go to bed at the same time every night, no matter what. Medication has likely worn off by the time you go to sleep, and contradictory to neurotypical belief, when your brain wanders it can make it harder to fall asleep. So can hyperfocusing. I find that reading can keep me up as I will hyperfocus, but listening to audiobooks doesn’t cause those problems. I turn off the lights, put a seep mask on, and play an audiobook with wireless headphones to help me get to sleep. I recommend reading/listening to something light like fantasy or science fiction.  Save thrillers, horror, and mystery books to listen to during the day.

2. Exercise.

I recommend exercising in the morning everyday, cardio and strength training. Even if you just do some cardio 10-15 minutes, it is still beneficial. Most exercise physiologists would recommend a rest day, but I’ve found that lighter days work better than complete rest days. You will see a noticeable difference in your hyperactivity symptoms. It’s not simply that it gets the fidgets out of your system, it is good for a hyperactive mind and helps with emotional dysregulation as well. It will help you sleep at night too.

Always speak to your doctor before you begin any exercise regimen, especially if you are taking 60+ mg of ADHD medication and have not exercised regularly on your medication previously.

3. Eating.

Eat at the same time everyday. Your body will tell you you’re hungry at those times. It’s also helpful to schedule your food around medication so that you don’t repress your natural appetite. Also, not that it needs to be said, but the brain uses up a lot of calories. You need to eat to retain what you learn.

4. Emotional Regulation.

This is one of the hardest parts of ADHD that no one ever talks about. You may not even know what this is, or that emotional dysregulation is a symptom of ADHD. It’s never mentioned in the DSM or ICD because emotions are hard (and expensive) to quantify. A lot of medical professionals have never even heard of it. If you want to read up on it, I suggest reading work by Dr. Russell A. Barkley. To give you the basics though, ADHD brains fail to self regulate emotions. We have emotional impulsivity. When we take in sensory information for conscious appraisal the pathway goes like this: stimulus —> thalamus —> cortex —> amygdala. Our frontal cortex is not the greatest at giving us context, or telling us to chill out, so our amygdala can be in the driver’s seat often. This aspect can make us really fun people, because it can make us get excited easily and enjoy life to the fullest. It can also cause us problems. For example, expressing anger at your boss or teacher (even if you are rightfully angry) might not be the best—diplomacy may give a better outcome. Our amygdala doesn’t know what is best for our future selves.

So, how does one regulate emotion when you’re brain doesn’t function like you want it? Try practicing mindfulness. And no, I’m not taking about attending to everything coming into your working memory or weird granola hippy garbage. When you are having an emotional response, check in with yourself. Are you feeling overstimulated? Are you feeling understimulated? Are you hungry, are you thirsty? Are you tired? Is your medication wearing off? Notice patterns, notice what triggers the emotion, write it down. Develop a proverbial toolbox that can help you when you are not regulating your emotions well. This toolbox is individual to you, and it may take some trial and error.

Keep in mind that trauma is different than emotional dysregulation, although our emotional dysregulation doesn’t exactly help. A lot of us ADHD brains have experienced severe emotional trauma via ableism and abuse from the school system, from teachers, or from parents. It never gets talked about because it’s usually caused by someone in a position of authority, and we are hardly ever given a voice to talk about our own experiences. Find someone you can trust to talk to about it. Find ways to self sooth in a healthy way when re-experiencing that trauma. You may have complex PTSD. It’s difficult for us to get help for complex PTSD because society doesn’t recognize that disabled people experience trauma in a very unique way. Keep in mind PTSD wasn’t even considered a disability under the ADA until 2008, one couldn’t get social security for PTSD until 2017, and the ADA didn’t exist until 1990. If you do seek out help though, expect push back from some medical professionals, have someone that will support you through the process, and do so when you will not be experiencing new trauma. Also, remember, fellow ADHD brains are here and we all love and support you.

B. Disability Services:

I’m not going to sugar coat this. We are barely recognized as human beings, so our rights are always under fire. Being disabled in this world is like walking through a mine field. Not every university or work environment is going to follow the ADA. The ADA became law in 1990, and the abled have been dragging their feet ever since. It’s difficult to enforce, complaining to the government often leads to nothing, and getting a lawyer is expensive. It’s also hard to prove discrimination in court. The ADA leaves a lot of room for improvement. Ableism is a systemic problem pretty much worldwide. I’m not trying to upset anyone, but you need to be prepared for what you are up against.

1. Keep the nature of your disability private.

Never ever ever tell a professor or TA the nature of your disability. Tell them you have a disability recognized under the ADA which is federal law, do not tell them what disability you have. There are lots of tips on tumblr that will tell you to inform professors that you have x disability, and that they will be empathetic and blah blah blah. Those uninformed tips are putting your legal rights, and your grade, in danger. There are so many biases professors can and do have when it comes to ADHD and dyscalculia. You are just asking to experience ableism if you divulge. Some professors don’t believe that ADHD is a disability, or they believe that vaccines cause ADHD, or that you just magically grow out of ADHD when you turn 18 etc.  It isn’t your job to deal with their delusions, their biases, or their ableism — that’s their therapists’ or HRs’ problem. You do not have to tell anyone but your university disability services. Under the ADA you have a legal right to privacy, but if you divulge to a professor you are waiving that right.

I also wouldn’t recommend telling other students the nature of your disability. Unless you are pretty sure the other student also has your disability, but even then internalized ableism is a thing. You never know who they are going to tell, if they are ableist, or how they feel about your accommodations. You never want an abled student crying to a professor because they think your accommodations are “unfair”. If a student wants to know what disability you have, and you want to tell them something because you have become acquaintances/friends but don’t want to tell them exactly, say that you have a neurodevelopmental disability and/or a learning disability.

2. Advocate for your legal accommodations.

Disability services are not going to hold your hand. They are not going to simply offer you all the accommodations that you are legally allowed or would make you successful. They deal with hundreds of other students and likely have accommodations they offer everyone, regardless of the type of disability you have. Request accommodations that actually put you on the same playing field as everyone else. Read the ADA, and understand what reasonable accommodations are.

If you have ADHD, I would recommend requesting extended time on exams and assignments, a private room to take exams in that is free of distraction, handouts/materials and textbooks in text-to-speech capable formats, the ability to take breaks in-class or exams, reduced course load, and the ability to record lectures for note-taking. You may be able to request a memory aid for ADHD, as a lot of ADHD brains have very low working memory (also called short term memory) capacity. Part of our attention difficulties come from low working memory capacity as sensory input goes through working memory before it is stored in long term memory. Anything stored in long term memory must be pulled back into working memory to be used and manipulated. Get a psychologist that specializes in ADHD adults to test your working memory capacity if needed.

If you have dyscalculia, I would recommend requesting a memory aid (used for formulas, constants, equations etc), the use of calculator on exams and assignments, extended time on exams and assignments, reduced course load, and a private room for exams.

3. Get accommodations implemented.

This is a different process than getting accommodations approved. My uni makes me contact professors at the start of the quarter in an ‘engagement process’. Due to re-experiencing trauma, I avoid setting up a meeting with professors and just email. Emailing prevents professors form cornering you or badgering you to divulge your disability, or subtly threatening you about your registration or degree, and puts everything in writing so there is a legal paper trail. 

Professors may try to get out of their legal obligations. I have had this happen multiple times. I’ve even had professors tell me that accommodations aren’t helpful for disabled students, or that they are not fair to abled students — I responded with “well it’s not fair that I was born with a disability and that you’re gatekeeping disabled people from getting an education”… they didn’t take that well. Do not try to argue with a professor about your disability rights or accommodations, it will only make you upset and they will likely accuse you of being hysterical or unstable. I’ve even had a professor say that I “threatened” them when I simply reminded them of their legal obligations under federal law as they were trying to not implement accommodations. This is why email is the best choice — you have time to respond professionally and having the receipts is important to keep you legally safe. If a professor is being belligerent about implementing accommodations, tell disability services what is going on (forward your emails) and remind them that accommodations must be implemented in a timely manner under the ADA. If disability services tries to make you argue with your professor, say that you do not feel comfortable doing so. If they push further, tell them you would rather not without an attorney or other representative present — mention you would rather the university handle it internally as you are concerned bringing an attorney or representative into an argument would escalate the situation which isn’t ideal for anyone.

I have a standard email that I send professors during the ‘engagement process’ that I edit slightly to reflect the course. It is professional, polite, and reminds them of their legal obligations as well as university policy. In it I also outline what my approved accommodations are and suggest how they should be implemented. 

4. Any paperwork you have to turn in, make sure to do it early. 

Create reminders on your calendar, write the dates in your bujo future log, whatever you need to do to get that paperwork in on time. Read everything slowly. These are legal documents. If you have a support system… ASK FOR HELP. Seriously, don’t be afraid to ask your support system for help with legal documents.

C. Studying:

1. Choose two places to study.

I don’t like studying in the library or in cafes. I know it’s not as aesthetic to study at home, but it prevents me from people watching and getting distracted. I have two designated study areas. One is my desk, the other is a cozy couch. Choose locations based on stimulation and comfort. My desk is fairly understimulating, while the couch is a bit more stimulation.

2. Learn to use your hyperfocus.

Most reading this probably know what you need to get in the hyperfocus zone. If you don’t, then note any patterns/conditions when it happens so you will have an easier time using the only ADHD super power you’ve got. When you are hyperfocusing on studying, ride the wave for as long as you can. However, make sure to set alarms to eat, go to the bathroom, stretch etc. Don’t let your hyperfocus keep you from taking care of yourself.

3. Create a study routine.

I know I keep blathering on about routines, but it helps. Treat studying like you would training as a professional athlete. When you have a study routine, you never have to decide to study. That decision is already made for you. When studying for exams, make a checklist of everything you need to cover. Ask the professor in advance about what is going to be covered on exams so that you can make an exam study plan early. If your professor is a garbage person and won’t tell you use the syllabus, textbook readings, labs, lecture slides, and snoop on the internet for past exams. Last minute learning is never a good idea. The human brain simply can’t do it, and your working memory capacity is too low to cram.

4. Accept that everything will take you longer, and that it’s okay.

It sucks, it really does. Those neurotypicals don’t know how lucky they are. It’s going to take you longer to read, to learn material, and to do basically anything in life. That’s okay, you do you. Don’t compare yourself to others, it will only cause you to feel bad about yourself. Guess what though, you are already a statistical anomaly. Only 32% of ADHD children graduate high school. Only 22% of adults with ADHD get into university. Only 5% of ADHD adults graduate from university. You are already punching those statistics in the face by existing. Seriously, do what you need to do and fuck anyone that has a problem with it. You’ve got this! 

5. Create the environment you need for your brain.

Sometimes I’m feeling really over stimulated and I need complete silence. Sometimes I feel at a sort of stimulation equilibrium and I listen to lofi study beats playlists. Sometimes I feel understimulated or I’m doing something really tedious, and I need to put on a tv show or a movie in the background. I keep a list of TV shows and movies that I can put on in such cases. Pick things that you won’t really watch and that you are familiar with. It usually helps me transition so that I can start the studying task. Listen to your body and do what works for you.

6. Don’t use the pomodoro technique.

The pomodoro technique was made for neurotypicals. ADHD brains have difficulty transitioning between tasks. It’s better to study for as long as you can maintain focus or hyperfocus than rely on a set 25 minutes. Again, be sure to eat and use the bathroom! You don’t want to be taken off your meds due to weight loss, and you don’t want to get a UTI.

D. Tools of the Trade:

1. iPad Pro & Apple Pencil v.s. Echo Livescribe Smart Pen

I used to use the echo livescribe smart pen but now I use an iPad. It’s cheaper in the long run and I don’t have to worry about running out of paper. Apple has way better customer support as well as iCloud backups, plus they can find your device if lost. Now I only use the echo livescribe pen when taking exams. My university lets me use one from the disability office so that I can make verbal notes when doing long answer exam questions and to keep track of my thoughts if I want to skip over a question and come back to it. I requested it as an accommodation, it had to be approved by committee. They actually thanked me for being so creative and trained the person in charge of accessible technology so that it could be used with other students. It’s almost like asking disabled students about what helps us and our experiences is a good thing!

2. Notability

I use the app Notability for lectures as it can record the lecture and has great organizational capabilities. I usually copy/paste slides into my notes so that I can write on them as well. I also use Notability to read textbooks. It’s got fairly good text-to-speech compatibility, so you can move around if you need to. 

3. Goodnotes 5

I use the Goodnotes 5 app for a digital bujo as well as for making mind maps. It’s got some great shape recognition functions. Although Notability has improved their shape functionality, it’s still not as great as Goodnotes 5.

4. iWork 

I also use pages on my iPad to make condensed study guides / study notes. It’s also really great for writing essays or making tables. I used to hand-write study notes, but it takes way longer.

4. Omnifocus

Omnifocus is great for breaking down big projects into smaller tasks or making quick checklists. It’s a bit of a pain to learn how to use, but once you do it’s completely worth it.

5. Quizlet Plus

Quizlet Plus is completely worth it. I use it a lot for figures or structures I have to memorize, I draw figures in Notability and take a screen shot or grab it from my textbook. It’s a really amazing flashcard app. Also, if you have your textbook on your device, you can copy/paste definitions right into quizlet.

6. Studybreak

Studybreak is a great app for iphone. It tells you how long you have been studying, nags you if you’ve touched your phone to scroll social media, and can suggest that you take a break. You can program it to set how long you want to study for, how long you want to take a break for etc. You can also ignore the break suggestion which is nice when one is hyperfocusing. It also keeps statistics on how long you have been studying and for which subjects.

Been a while.

Yeah, so. I haven’t really social media’d lately.

Looking at the timestamps, on May 12th, I posted my latest original Tumblr post. On May 18th, I Tweeted my latest Tweet. And after May 19th, I kind of disappeared from the ‘net.

So, about a month by now, I guess.

Unlike other dramatic hiatuses I’ve taken, this one was unplanned. Quarantine mixed with the constant reminder of last year’s mistakes every time I opened my mouth online made me just kinda wanna run from the place—and run I did.

But this is all excessive blah-blah. The point is, I chose maybe one of the worst times to disappear. 

Because the world has changed since May 12th or May 18th or May 19th. I think it’s changing in a lot of wonderful ways. I’m glad to see issues of systemic racism and anti-blackness finally being really, seriously addressed. But I’m also sad it’s taken so long. That there have had to be so many brutal murders to get to this point.

And, to get right to it: I’m sad at how performative so much of the support for the Black Lives Matter movement seems. I’m sad at how performative I seem writing this whole thing out now. Sure, I love to talk fictional problems and fictional prejudice, but the real, lived stuff is hardly spoken of on this blog.

Which is wrong. While I would never deny the power of fiction and its ability to provide hope and comfort with fantasy representations of our cruel reality, even within the confines of my geeky fandom blog, that cruel reality very much exists. Anti-blackness most certainly affects what content gets made. Anti-blackness most certainly affects fan groups and fan creators. And with how #real I can get here, I haven’t devoted nearly enough to the issue.

But my guilt does nothing for anyone, and this is getting unwieldy. So, I think it’s time to bring back an old news segment investigating anti-blackness in St. Louis:

Yes, the video is from 1991, but I question how much has changed since then. From the state of things, it doesn’t seem like very much at all. The injustices depicted here have been the reality for far too long. 

And yes, protesting and donating and educating yourself are invaluable—please continue doing so! But a lot of what’s revealed in this report? It’s not gonna be stopped through protests and donations and reading. It’s gonna be stopped by making active changes in day-to-day behavior. 

And even here, as a geeky fandom blog, I can do that. Because I can call out the anti-blackness I see more. I can answer those asks whose underlying racism I ranted about in private but never publicly addressed. It’s not enough to simply slap “BLM” on my header and retweet some Tweets here and there. These issues are ever relevant, everywhere.

By now, there have been a flood of similar sentiments to all this. There have also been a flood of apologies for past behavior. But—and I say this regarding me—I don’t think it’s expressed enough that it’s okay to not forgive. These statements and reflections shouldn’t be about winning anyone’s approval. They’re about making changes for the better.

And that’s what I want to do. Even if it’s uncomfortable. I am so sorry to have not done much more before.

Black lives matter. And each of us do have power. One sharp, hard-hitting video from Singkirbysing detailing Aunt Jemima’s racist past has led to a(n announced) rebranding of the line—and others. That’s only one example, and it indisputably proves to me that there is so much we’re capable of doing.

tbh i get queer fans being mad/sad about kavinsky being killed off in that yeah, bury your guys can always be upsetting no matter the character. but it's weird to me when people go the 'he didn't DESERVE it blah blah' route because like, that has nothing to do with the trope. like i agree with queer characters always getting killed off being exhausting, but i don't get people going hard for this particular character lmao

hmm i… sort of agree. i guess i can understand fans being sad about kavinsky being killed off if they empathise with him, even though personally i just… can’t imagine relating to a character like that. but i honestly, genuinely don’t believe he’s an example of Bury Your Gays. it would be BYG if kavinsky was the only queer rep in the books, or even he killed himself specifically for being gay… which, no matter what people argue, he didn’t. but rather than give my opinion on it, i’m gonna take this chance to go through the trope systematically and explain why the shoe doesn’t fit. it’s meta time!

Why Kavinsky Dying is Not “Bury Your Gays”

[All quotes are taken directly from TvTropes, though the emphasis is mine.]

The Bury Your Gays trope in media, including all its variants, is a homophobic cliché. It is the presentation of deaths of LGBT characters where these characters are nominally able to be viewed as more expendable than their heteronormative counterparts. In this way, the death is treated as exceptional in its circumstances. In aggregate, queer characters are more likely to die than straight characters. Indeed, it may be because they seem to have less purpose compared to straight characters, or that the supposed natural conclusion of their story is an early death.

Kavinsky is never viewed as “more expendable than his heteronormative counterparts”. If you see Kavinsky as simply Ronan’s foil, then the reasoning doesn’t apply, because Ronan is gay himself, so he can’t be a “heteronormative counterpart”. However, Kavinsky apologists like to latch on to Gansey’s “We matter” quote to prove Kavinsky is treated as unimportant – but that’s a fallacy for several reasons. First, you’re taking Gansey to speak for the author, or for objective truth, when Gansey is one of the most unreliable narrators in the book, and his world view is extremely biased. Secondly, Gansey isn’t Kavinsky’s counterpart. Kavinsky is an antagonist, so you have to look at what happens to the other antagonists – his actual heteronormative counterparts. And, well: they pretty much ALL get killed off. Not just that, but they often get killed off in a way that does not have the emotional/narrative impact implied in Kavinsky’s death. By that reckoning, he gets the better shake. Additionally, we get 4 heteronormative villains killed off - Whelk, Neeve, Colin, and Piper. So in the series, queer characters are not more likely to die than straight characters (even among the protagonists, Gansey and Noah are the ones who “die”, where Ronan and Adam do not).

The reasons for this trope have evolved somewhat over the years. For a good while, it was because the Depraved Homosexual trope and its ilk pretty much limited portrayals of explicitly gay characters to villainous characters, or at least characters who weren’t given much respect by the narrative. This, conversely, meant that most of them would either die or be punished by the end. 

This is not applicable to TRC, as portrayals of explicitly queer characters are not limited to villainous characters; Adam and Ronan are both explicitly queer and they are treated with huge amounts of respect by the narrative. So Kavinsky isn’t being killed for being the odd one out/the Token Evil Queer; plus, there are other reasons why he doesn’t fit the Depraved Homosexual trope (while sexual molestation is a part of this trope, TVTropes encourages you to “think of whether he’d be any different if he wasn’t gay” – and Kavinsky wouldn’t. Not only because DHs are usually extremely camp while Kavinsky’s mannerisms aren’t particularly queer-coded, but also because he is not shown to have any more respect for women than he does for men, and his abuse would look the same if he was straight).

However, as sensitivity to gay people became more mainstream, this evolved into a sort of Rule-Abiding Rebel “love the sinner, hate the sin” attitude. You could have sympathetic queer characters, but they would still usually be “punished” for their queerness in some way so as to not anger more homophobic audiences, similar to how one might write a sympathetic drug addict but still show their addiction in a poor light. 

Again: Neither Ronan nor Adam – the two sympathetic queer characters – are punished for being queer, hence subverting this form of the trope.

This then transitioned into the Too Good for This Sinful Earth narrative, where stories would tackle the subject of homophobia and then depict LGBT characters as suffering victims who die tragic deaths from an uncaring world. The AIDS crisis also contributed to this narrative, as the Tragic AIDS Story became its own archetype, popularized by films like Philadelphia. 

Okay, this is DEFINITELY not Kavinsky’s case. Kavinsky’s death isn’t specifically connected to being gay (e.g.: a hate crime or an STD), and he’s never depicted as some innocent suffering victim. As for the “uncaring world”… eh. Kavinsky may not have a valid support system, but that’s just as much by choice as by chance - and when Ronan extends a helping hand and tries to save him, Kavinsky rejects it. Too Good For This Sinful Earth is definitely not in play. 

The only trope that kind of fits the bill is Gayngst-Induced Suicide… but only on the surface. As TVTrope puts it, Gayngst-Induced Suicide is “when LGBT characters are Driven to Suicide because of their sexuality, either because of internalized homophobia (hating themselves) or experiencing a miserable life because of their “deviant” gender or sexuality: having to hide who they are, not finding a stable relationship, homophobia from other parties, etc.”. Kavinsky certainly has quite a bit of internalized homophobia, but he is absolutely not experiencing a miserable life because of his sexuality – i.e. he’s not being bullied or taunted or subejcted to hate crimes. He doesn’t have to hide who he is: his parents are effectively out of the picture, his cronies worship him, and he constantly makes gay jokes to Ronan and Gansey. As for “not finding a stable relationship”… well that’s not exactly the problem, is it. He’s not looking for a stable relationship – he’s pursuing Ronan specifically, obsessively, through stalking and abuse. So even this trope is not applicable. 

And then there are the cases of But Not Too Gay or the Bait-and-Switch Lesbians, where creators manage to get the romance going but quickly avoid showing it in detail by killing off one of the relevant characters. 

Once again this is not the case with Kavinsky, as 1) there was no romance going between him and Ronan, and 2) he is not killed off before the nature of his obsession with Ronan is revealed – he gets the chance to both admit (sort of) he wants Ronan, and to confront Ronan about his sexuality, to which Ronan admits that yes, he is gay, but he is not interested in Kavinsky. So, there is no But Not Too Gay nor any Bait-and-Switch here. 

Also known as Dead Lesbian Syndrome, though that name has largely fallen out of use post-2015 and the media riots about overuse of the trope. And, as this public outcry restated, the problem isn’t merely that gay characters are killed off: the problem is the tendency that gay characters are killed off in a story full of mostly straight characters, or when the characters are killed off because they are gay.

This is a very good definition of the trope and why it doesn’t apply to Kavinsky: he’s not killed off because he’s gay, and he’s not killed off in a story full of mostly straight characters; TRC is definitely not overwhelmingly diverse, but 2 of the 4 protagonists are queer, giving us a solid 50% ratio (I’m not counting Noah because his “character” status is vague, and I’m not counting Henry because he came in so late, and also because his sexuality is the matter of much speculation).

For a comparison that will make it even clearer: take a show like Supernatural. Supernatural’s range of characters is almost entirely presented as straight white cis men (as of canon – despite much of the fandom’s hopes and speculation). They’ve had problems with diversity in general, with a lot of black characters dying immediately, and a lot of women getting fridged for plot advancement or male angst (a different problematic trope altogether). Now, apart from minor inconsequential cameos, Supernatural had ONE recurring gay character: Charlie Bradbury. And they killed her off for no discernible reason other than plot advancement and male angst, in a context that had elements of Too Good For This Sinful Earth (Charlie being a fan-favourite, ~pure cinnamon roll~, being killed by actual nazis, who historically targeted gay people). See, THAT was Bury Your Gays, AND Dead Lesbian Syndrome, AND Fridging…

However, sometimes gay characters die in fiction because, well, sometimes people die. There are many Anyone Can Die stories: barring explicit differences in the treatments of the gay and straight deaths in these, it’s not odd that the gay characters are dying. The occasional death of one in a Cast Full of Gay is unlikely to be notable, either.

…But that is not the case with TRC. As I’ve said above, there are no explicit differences in the treatments of the gay and straight villain deaths. Kavinsky’s death is not Bury Your Gays; it’s Anyone Can Die – even a protagonist’s foil who has magic powers and is present for most of the book.

Believe me, I would not be cavalier about this. As you rightly said, queer characters always getting killed off is exhausting, and as a bi woman myself, I am deeply affected by instances of Bury Your Gays. When Supernatural killed off Charlie, I wrote a novel-length fix-it fic and basically stopped watching the show – a show I had been following, flaws and all, for 10 years. I don’t take it lightly. But Kavinsky’s death isn’t Bury Your Gays, nor is it homophobia. Sometimes, a character death is just a character death.