#i learned so fucking much this morning
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background practice
#day 32#i learned so fucking much this morning#i learned how to make a rain effect#i found foliage brushes#this drawing looks terrible#but all i really did was just testing the brushes#and rain effect#i dont have much time to draw today#i am gonna visit my cousin for the day#she broke her leg :c#so i only had some time in the morning#for drawing#but i practiced!#and i learned!#babysteps#I am so happy i found the brushes#<3#these are mo and zhengxi btw#i hope i have the time to make them recognizable tomorrow...#amehlee art
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I'm sorry for the OC brain rot on main....
(the lines are from a post about "tag yourself: awkward/unflirty Sims edition" and honestly? all my OCs are awkward/unflirty so ... yeah...)
#my characters#they (my OCs in general) are not mine if they don't pine and fail at romance#and the fact one of the options WAS actually ask an inappropriate question??? deacon coded if there was ever something deacon coded#i have so many stupid ideas for ymber having the worst comments that he THINKS would be flattering in his head and then he hears it out lou#and is like oh no that was awful im going to be abandoned for that and i deserve it oh wow dang that was so bad#both of them are trying so hard to be supportive and learn about the other and somehow its working?#no one else knows HOW it works but ok buddy#like i saw a mug in a coffee shop that i DESPERATELY want to draw in the modern au i have#with Oh handing it to Ymber saying AH HA found a mug I can gift Deacon the next time you fuck up with talking to him#and then doesn't buy it but is thinking about it and then later that day Ymber says something v blunt and non flattering#and Oh just ARE YOU KIDDING ME I DONT HAVE DEACONS GIFT BC YOU SAID YOUD TRY HARDER AT THIS#the mug in question said#congrats on your breakup we hated him#and there were sparkles around breakup#and it was so funny to me i just .... thinking about how much Oh would love to give it to deacon as a sorry my friend is so bad at this#i really wanna draw more of the sims fail options with the others in the plot but hey i can post it on my side blog and spare you all here#i was thinking about a fanart idea earlier this morning and completely forgot it by the time i sat down to draw#gomen gomen i was gonna try to not do ocs on main but.... alas....
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THE BITCH IS BACK, BABES !!
#NEVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#THE ANIMAL IS OUT OF HIS CAGE. THE ANIMAL IS FREE.#FUCK THAT PLACE. SHITHOLE OF A PLACE#i have a word or two for my doctor and it starts with F and Y#i got no help. zero. whatever they said i have already learned from the internet. lol.#also my anxiety was so bad in there i lost 4 pounds from a poor appetite.#and they gave me fuckin. lithium#my parents were SO MAD when i told them over the phone#anyway#i'm home and i couldn't be happier about it#just the thought of being trapped in that place makes me wanna vom <3#oh yeah i was put in the detox unit instead of the one for mental disorders or whatever it is#my dad was very mad i was put in with the alcoholics and drug addicts but they were very nice people#i was able to come out of my shell and have conversations with them pretty easily#that is the ONLY positive thing i can say about my entrapment#i missed you guys so much. i really missed my family#god and now they're gonna call me tomorrow morning to talk about whateverthefuck#and i gotta call my doctor in a week#god i don't wanna talk to these people anymore. LEAVE ME ALONE
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#ok so mini rant session#i am doing a bit better today - little less distraught over getting fired from a job i thought i was doing pretty good at and i was trying#really hard and genuinely enjoying#and just more baffled because truly i had no warning and i was completely blindsided#i was in the middle of a 3 month trial and i would have a review at the end in which i would be offered a permanent position if it went well#and i thought i was making my way towards that! granted i was still making mistakes but genuinely not of such a great scale i thought it#called for my immediate dismissal#that being said i was still VERY MUCH IN TRAINING. i had only been there A MONTH AND A HALF learning COMPLETELY NEW SYSTEMS#and i was told that i had been there a few weeks already and that i wasn’t catching on quick enough. that there were some areas i was#understanding and others i just simply wasn’t#and i asked what areas specifically so that i could learn more and try harder#and they didn’t give me a specific answer.#ok and so. so. i have this insecurity.#that at first impression people will like me. that they may think i’m pretty or kind or funny or whatever#but then they spend time with me or get to know me and realize that that’s all bullshit.#that i’m actually not pretty and im mean and loud and selfish and lazy and rude and etc etc etc#MASSIVE fucking insecurity in that like that’s why i genuinely don’t have friends or a significant other#and that genuinely i’m just a Bad Person#and when i was fired? i was told ‘a persons true colours show after a few weeks’#so that’s MAJORLY fucking me up.#when i was hired i was boasted to about my boss’s hiring process and how she’s ’only been fooled twice’#and the morning before i was fired in a meeting my supervisor told everyone that i was doing quite well.#so yeah i truly had no fucking warning. at fucking all.#hurt and confused and angry and baffled and did i mention hurt#anyways if you’re still here i’m sorry i know this is not a good look for me
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today should be a t break day
bc I'll need it to be more effective in the coming days if we see family, and then I'll have the survey shifts
but since late last night i keep randomly nearly breaking into tears and thinking abt the stupidest shit that needs to stay in the box in my brain
so idk. maybe it will be. it is thus far. but I'm not leaving my room without a container of some edible or another in my pocket either
#text post#no idea where the fuck this came from and it kept me up until fucking four in the fucking morning#but only NEARLY crying my body/brain still won't let me FULLY cry#and i did email my prior doc with a 'can i ask u just abt this one current symptom and if it is abt what i think & ill send u 20 bucks even'#she said no to the twenty bucks but said yeah it does sound like my ptsd has been triggered by multiple things over the last year#and the not being able to cry is a part of it. my body's trying to protect me from feeling anything abt it and breaking down#and part of that means not letting the tears fall so there's no physical acknowledgement of any feelings#which is what i was thinking was going on but it's nice to confirm it with someone who knows their shit#doesn't fix it but at least i know.#the thing is that the triggers are like. good? bc im in a healthier safer environment now with ppl that don't do what my mum & fam do to me#but it means my brain is learning just how much of a lot of it Wasn't Normal and was actually Pretty Harmful and that's.#i want my brain to just accept and get over that already tbh. okay so that's the case it doesn't change anything????#why are we still thinking abt it and having feelings over it at this point bc that feels like a waste of time#there are no apologies I'll get for things that happened from when i was younger and there's no closure it just Is What It Is#I'm tired of even wanting to cry over it when I'd rather be throwing myself into making money & being productive art-wise#it manages to interrupt so many fucking facets of my life like#whatever. anyway considering a music au new draft where ed and izzy meet seth. and immediately offer to kill him for Pickles aksnsjfnfgj
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i bought a cheap squishy toy and it smells like something i should definitely not be inhaling at all (kind of like gas/petrol but more factory-plasticky? i'm a retail drone not a chemist) and, of course, it was made in china.
("of course" not so much because of the price or quality but because everything is. at every price range and standard, tbh. i'm not trying to say everything made in china sucks. for the tumblr-pedantic record. rip to the workers in the stinky plastic factory though. :/)
so i was like "if this was made in america i could figure out where. we put the company address on everything here. but can i do that with an overseas company?" and the answer is yes maybe (i found the import/middleman companies and there are "trading" websites that track this stuff) but also no because i can't read mandarin. (sorry ancestors)
anyway that's how i find out about this place
yiwu "market" aka "international trade city." alleged "world's largest wholesale market." the mall to end all malls. this place sells stuff to the entire world by the shipping container. didn't even slightly exist in 1980; now does billions of dollars in trade annually which supports a city of 2 million people. which previously was just. like. a farming village.
(btw take this info with a grain of salt *please* i got it from youtube, google and wikipedia and i'm existing in an incredulous sleep-deprived haze)
literally miles of showrooms of every random manufactured item you can imagine. toys, clothes, electronics, household goods, christmas decorations...
i cannot stress enough that we do not have this kind of thing here. (... do we?) but. we have the stuff. this is where all the stuff is from. all roads lead to yiwu, apparently
sometimes you just get reminded... world big. but also. world interconnected. not so small after all. but so connected.
#i have learned my lesson about buying random sus wholesale goods from (unnamed big box store that has all my data anyway) though#next time i go to the experts#(ie asian mom ladies at the state fair who presumably did not use a 3rd party broker in NYC)#(who looks like a predatory Karen and rebrands the random stinky wholesale stuff as if she was responsible for making it)#what a weird fucking economy we live in#geography#what is humanity if not an enormous effort to make stuff#ridiculous amounts of stuff#(so says capitalism?)#sleep deprived#very much so#if i made any embarrassing errors pls lmk so i can be embarrassed in the morning#i don't usually share my wikipedia research
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it's been. it sure has been a just-over-twelve-closer-to-sixteen hours.
#in order. flatmate we don't interact with much gets so sick we have to call 999#this entire ordeal starts at about half midnight and ends at half four in the morning#i am up at eight to catch a train at ten#on the train my mother -- meant to pick me up at two from the station -- calls me to tell me she's in a car crash#her phone dies soon after she tells me where she is and i relay it to my brother so we figure out where she is on gmaps#and he has to take an hour and a half long bus to get her#meanwhile i have to take two extra trains to get to the city closest to home#i am still on that train#i have had maybe three hours of sleep and am running on pure adrenaline#fucking hell. i have essays due.#thomas.text#to clarify the flatmate drunk 10 shots on an empty stomach and we were all so fucking. annoyed with her. and trying to babysit her because#she was so sick#but i think she. definitely got the lesson learned. so i can't even hold it against her
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...
#im just gonna complain abt it here bc i just have to accept that i can't irl bc no one else gets it#its hard to b a dyslexic grad student. u have to read so much. and its good. lots of reading is good. u just have to contend with a soul#crushing amout of discouragement at the fact u just kinda cant read while ur peers r like sure i can read this in class and have things to#say abt it. if u make me read in my head in class i literally cannot fucking tell u what i just read. not a god damn thing and if i try to#let my computer read to me i cant fucking pay attention for long enough so i just have to accept that from here on out ill have to#physically read papers aloud which i hate so much. its the only way i can fucking understand things and it still makes me feel dumb bc ill#somehow still space out while reading and have to reread like 4 times before i understand wtf is being said. it takes forever and it takes#energy and i dont like talking very much and it also restricts me to only being able to read at home which is frustrating#and im like i need to stop my brain from distracting myself with things that dont matter and my counselor is like: ur ocd is trying to make#work ur whole life and im like yeah thats how i got it. its the only way i can keep swimming with the non dyslexics#so its like wtf do i do? i kinda have to take the hit and make work my whole life rn. morn the loss of other things for a while#i dunno im still a bummer rn. like im probably coming off as more an asocial freak than normal bc its hard to talk ans maintain conversation#rn. but whatever. sometimes things just suck and theres nothing u can do abt it but accept it and move on. ill learn lots of things with all#the reading i have to do and that's never a bad thing ...no matter how much i dont give a fuck abt animals#like jesus. i could not even begin to give a fuck about like 95% of mammals. fish r cool tho. plants too#but microbes is where its at. i dont understand y ppl dont understand how cool they r. oh well ill just have to tell them#if i can find my fucking enthusiasm. ugh i have to make one of my classes read a paper and i have to work with someone abt find it. she#works with like rabbits. i refuse to assign a mammal paper. i fucking refuse. we will do plants or microbes or fucking paleontology#i will fight her on this. ugh. light filtering or orchid speciation would b perfect. annoying#at least i get to work with some culturs this week#unrelated
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god the price really is the cost huh 😔
#<- had to take second dose of meds in the arvo and is now fucking wiped#very interesting to learn that maybe this was a cause of my constant fatigue....much to consider....#honestly id rather be jackshit at my job for three hours than feel this fucking tired but yknow. id also like to keep said job so :/#maybe i can take the short release in the morning and the extended w lunch....
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God I can't fuckin catch a break my adhd keeps pelting me with so many things to be obsessive about and my autism makes sure that if I don't interact with them I'm gonna feel like my chest is being torn out and I'm dying slowly but my adhd doesn't let me actually choose one to interact with cause it keeps bringing up the others but my autism is panicking about that because I need to have a Thing to do
I just want to like. Read, write or draw in peace. Is that too much to ask for. Five minutes
I missed having a hyperfixation when I didn't for a month or so but I forgot how extreme my brain gets about them ig they're called hyper for a reason
#Ranting#AuDHD#Adhd#Autism#neurodivergent#hyperfixation#special interest#Either this is an adhd hyperfixation or an autism thing and if it's the first one I'll be okay within a few weeks to a month#But if it's the second then I'll be MIA for my other blogs and my friends and my family and my life for. Up to two years knowing me#I won't#I'll learn to deal with it again in a bit#But like my parents already think I'm having a depressive episode#And they deny that I'm ND (even after my psychiatrist said I was??) so I can't explain it to them#I'm painfully excited about this stuff. I love having passion like this but ughh I was NOT prepared#My hyperfixations always do this like I go without for a few weeks to a month every year or so#And I'm super lost and sad and grey and passionless yk#And then they fucking SMACK ME IN THE HEAD WITH A STICK#SURPRISE!! GET FUCKIN SMACKED WITH THE HYPERFIXATION STICK#NO MORE FUNCTIONING#like I haven't texted my best friend/ platonic partner ALL DAY#And I spend literally all night last night cuddling with him and being sappy and telling him how much I love him#Like I'm an autistic introvert#needing recovery time after Socialing is normal#But I didn't even say good morning or good night#He knows me so it isn't an issue but like#I forgot how intense this stuff is like. 24/7 I'm thinking about It#I really do have AuDHD don't I#It's pretty obvious
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awesome start to finals week. 👍
#i was 10 minutes late to my EASIEST FINAL#never truly meant “fuck this gay earth” as much as when i woke up this morning and saw it was past 8#good thing it was on zoom so i could just say i had connection issues but still#but other than that it went good my professor said im getting an A so. awesome sauce#i still feel so stupid for being late tho#i did not learn my lesson when i slept 40 minutes into my class last week
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Hehehe >:3 got a kissie and some headpats from a pretty girl >:3 muahahahahahaha >:3
#sorenhoots#sometimes i remember that i am living the life that i ached for during lonely years#like i just get to wake up and live my gay little life??? kinda fucking awesome even if many other parts of life are very stressful#im so glad i met my wife who loves me for who i am 🥰🥰🥰🥰 and 😈😈😈 heheh then i met my other partner???? like. i thought my wife made me#the happiest i would ever be and then WOOSH i met ANOTHER person who makes me incredibly happy? i did not know the happiness could DOUBLE.#i figured it was like 0%-100% and my wife made me like 100% of my capacity for happiness and then its like 200% now and im realizing that my#capacity to experience joy and peace isnt static and frankly probably increases steadily over a lifetime as i grow and change and learn to#appreciate things more. anyways im in a content happy lil gay mood this morning :3#my partner got to visit us recently to help us get emotionally ready for some stressful stuff but now the most stressful parts are done and#now that the stress is fading i am finding so much happiness has been in my chest waiting to burst! it was sooo good to see my partner hehe#and the situation is even cuter because my wifes partner also came to visit and my wifes partner is my partners wife also so like. adorable#symmetry. my partner and my wifes partner have another partner and if you draw out a little diagram of us you will see it is shaped like a#house :3 a square with a triangle on top :3 hehe metamours everywhere :3 super super super wonderful metamours. its literally almost like a#fairy tale to have a polycule??? like?? im so excited to live somewhere that isnt like 9 hours from them. oh my god they also have a cat and#shes the cutest. me and my wife have a cute cat also and we are like 👀👀👀 tenatively anticipating that they will get along 👀👀👀 ive#specifically worked with my cat to help her know how to behave around other cats. my neighbor is retired and does TNR on the local strays#and they get attached to her and hang out in her backyard or her house lol like one snuck in and this was before they had any cats and they#didnt know he snuck in until he hopped onto her bf's chest at night to snuggle up. and hes a big cat and if you felt him drop onto your#chest in the pitch black of night you might absolutely mistake him for a racooon or possom or some other beast. anyways he sneaks into all#the houses down the street apparently and is just kinda like “the retired people down the street”'s cat lol. and daisy would hiss and yowl#out the window at him but i always tried to show her that he is friendly (and give her treats to attempt to tell her 'he isnt a threat. have#a snack. see? if he was a threat then we would not be having snacks.' and eventually he ran into us while i was letting her outside on her#harness and!!! i was absolutely ready to defend either of them from the t#other but they just cautiously sniffed each other and then laid down. it was fascinating to observe. daisy also responds really well yo#to meeting new people :3 though she proved me wrong by hiding from some maitenence ppl recently. but then she met my metamour and was pretty#much instantly like 'oh ok ur family? sounds gok#sounds good.' so thats cute and i hope if we end up in the same house with the other cat in the polci#polycule. well i hope they get along!!!#idk what we would do if they didnt. there are lots of other housing arrangements (like renting a duplex or next-door apartments or#something) but i want them to get along anyways :3 no matter what sort of living arragement works out best. i think theyd be good for each
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since i just rb'd a poll abt high school grades now's probably a good time to drop one of my many million-dollar ideas for how to run a high school classroom, which is that i think that at the start of a quarter/semester kids should be asked if they want hw to count towards their grades or not bc i was So Fucking Bad at submitting hw in high school, but my test scores were really good, so i'd rather have not had hw count towards my grades. but obviously there are a good number of kids who are either bad at taking tests or anxious abt their grades dropping and are diligent abt turning in hw, so letting hw count towards their grades would give them some padding in that situation.
#i really Do need to just maintain a doc of all my ideas for how to run a classroom#bc i've been storing some of these in my brain since i was like 12. that's a fucking decade by this point What the hell#the worm speaks#unfortunately it's probably unfeasible to Not have tests n the like count towards a grade at all#like personally as a student i do not hate testing!! as someone who enjoys gathering data / information i'm kind of obsessed w/it!!!#but i also have very strong opinions on TEST DESIGN as well as curriculum design n stuff#like tests CAN be a useful tool for measuring knowledge! if you design it right. and even then it's like. not perfect#one of my other million dollar ideas is that rather than giving out a final i'd give kids the choice to either do like#a freeform project to demonstrate their knowledge in literally Any Way They Want (foster creativity n stuff)#or! they could also just take a paper exam if they want. idk if anyone would take that option but idk.#mostly i'm just fond of the idea of giving high school students a sense of autonomy over their grades n education#like another reason why i think the 'do you want hw to count to your grades?' question should be re-asked at the start of quarters or w/e#is bc sometimes we also make mistakes! and evaluate consequences wrong. or situations change!! so they should be allowed to change things#how much would hw count for if they made it worth anything is honestly not smth i'm sure abt rn tbh#but i also know that i like. would also not even grade their hw on correctness just on completion anyway#a number of my high school teachers did that; bc the point was that we were responsible for ensuring its correctness#they all knew that kids would copy off each other and if that's how you learn. go for it!! my ap calc teacher openly acknowledged this!!!#anyway good lord i really do have limitless rants n tedtalks abt education in me lmao i need to sleebies now#so i can study for my calc quiz tmrw morning ( •̀ ω •́ )y
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oh my god everything makes sense now
#ive had so much troubke sleeping for the last like. 3 weeks. like i havent been getting more than 4 hrs of sleep most nights#and its SUCKED so bad and ive had the worst dreams ever like#its either mind empty blank 0 dreams whatsoever (<< which ive learned also sucks! feels bad and empty in the morning)#or like..trauma nightmares. like im back in high school type nightmares. and a few work stress dreams sprinked in for flavor#lkke this has been. An Issue.#I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY. AND I FEEL SO STUPID#ITS BECAUSE I DONT HAVE LOKI LIVING WITH ME ANYMORE.#im at my parents house for the weekend and . got here at like 8pm last night.#laid on the couch. loki jumped up on thr couch with me to cuddle#and ive always said hes so good at this bc hes warm and he lays on top of me so hes like a weighted blanket#and i cant move my arms to look at my phone or anything so its SO easy to fall asleep w loki cuddles#AT 9PM I FELL ASLEEP. i havent gone to sleep before midnight in like 2 months.#and when i had 2 get up to move to the guest bed he followed me.#and i just woke up from a nightmare and he was on the other side of the bed so i reached my hand out 2 pet him#and he laid his little chin on my hand and oh my god everything makes so much sense now.#ive always kind of half joked abt loki being an esa. because im like. he is. but not officially#hes never been trained for it and we dont have like. documentation for it bc ive never been officially diagnosed for anything (hell world)#so i feel bad calling him that bc it feels like im. disrespecting people that Actually Need esas#(<< coming from.a guy who Actually Needs An ESA Apparently.) what the fuck#head in hands. everything makes so much sense now#and normally id go all science brain on this like oh it was just one night iwas probably just too tired i need more evidence to be sure#but like. i have loterally not slept this well in a month and a half.#I have not gonento sleep before midnight in AT.LEAST the last two weeks. CONSISTENTLY .#head in habds.
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hello i just wanna say i genuinely like ur observation about nishiki's fighting style and then ya manage to bring it back to ur 'drug addict nishiki' headcanon like it caught me off guard but im also not surprised that is so fair and real of u okay thank u
In a world where drugs dont exist, nishikiyama’s strength comes solely from his anger and i guess he goes to the gym too
#Thanks for the ask !#Yakuza loveblog#its not a headcanon his voice actor said so before he so does drugs and he does it to escape his terrible life ratpark style#i would in fact be more surprised to learn that nishikis rawdogging life i mean hes definitely not religious and i guess he has alcohol but#thats not enough for what he has to endure. we have to give him meth we have to let him do coke#like i have no reason not to believe he goes to the gym because he is literally vain and i bet he works out till he gets a six pack all#one my life sucks two my life sucks on the bench and he drags kiryu there too even though he hates going to the gym because it stanks and#the aircon is always blowing at the worst spots and the overhead lights oohhhh cant stand the bowling alley either he throws the ball as#hard as he can and it doesnt even touch the runway before its smashing into the pins thats why the y5 bowling completion is so easy he#wants to get out of there asap. im off track see everything goes back to kiryu i always neglect nishikiyama. like even kazamas like heres#some drugs now leave me alone and hea like hmm do i snort this or sell it. oh well SNNRRRT. like there is absolutely no reason for his#entire fighting style to be heavy attacks unless hes wired like crazy and its because hes so pissed off all the time plus hes teeming with#like. cocaine. hulking the fuck out. thats why kiryu feels so safe around him because he has every reason to believe that in a pinch nishik#i can grab someones head and pop it like a grape in order to save his life hes seen it happen before it wasnt just because he feels#comfortable and in sync with nishikiyama he literally has seen him punch someone so hard their skull caved in and hes like okay !#thats why he loves fighting him so much its because if nishiki punches him in the head he’ll just have to wake up the next morning in pain#its so fun trust me on this you need to be punched by your brother right now or youll die
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Sorry sorry I was just reading a reply of a post where someone was like the difference between a mental illness and a mental disorder is that one implies a strive to find a cure and I'm just like... babe what world do you live in where people don't want to "fix" you
#yes even so called destigmatized disorders are still seen as something that needs to be solved and eradicated#this was on like a post about how neurodivergent doesnt just mean adhd and autism but also a plethora of other#mental disorders and illnesses that people dont make cute little aesthetic jokes about#but thats just the thing loves you make the jokes and the positivity posts about yourself others still want you to sit calmly and shut up#and that leads into why i have so much resentment over neurotypical bc by using this one umbrella term you are completely erasing#and fucking sanitizing the experiences of other mentally ill people that dont fit your fun quirky image#i didnt want to rant on that post bc i get it i get why people find comfort in the term but the more i think about the more i dislike it#having adhd doesnt give you a pass to leave other mentally ill people behind to not learn and advocate for eachother#to dismiss them of their struggles when they beg you to sympathize with them bc you want stable people to feel comfortable#meant to say neurodivergent there it is too early in the morning im just having a cynical laugh#delete later#it was just such a fucking weird hill to die on even ignoring everything else who are you to say someone with ptsd or anxiety#or schizophrenia cant call themselves whatever the fuck they want
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