Hi~

I saw your post about how lolita fashion (and ads for it) have changed in the last few years, especially for Angelic Pretty, and I agree completely!

I think the lack of creative ads these days might be b/c Gothic & Lolita Bible isn't around anymore? (cries) and Kera went purely digital ages ago, I don't know if it's even still around (I should have kept my old Kera magazines). But I remember how I always used to look forward to seeing the clothes and layouts that were featured in the new issues of each magazine.

My favorite when I first got into lolita was from the Wedding issue of the English edition of GLB; a model for Baby was wearing a lovely, tulip print skirt (or was it the jsk?) in blue, holding a parasol and sitting at a cafe table. Something about her looked so sweet and simple; I wanted to be a lolita just like that!

The models in the magazines always looked like they were happy or having fun, which I think is part of what made me want certain dresses or blouses. In AP's current ads, the model just looks... kinda sad and pouty and bored. I've noticed that for a lot of their dresses, they've been skimping on the lace, frills, and ribbons, and there's no more cute hair styles either! Meanwhile, wasn't it AP that brought lolita from old school to New School / OTT sweet when they had models wearing pastel pink / blue wigs for their Mermaid Symphony (iirc) photoshoot back in 2007?

On a different, but kinda related note, I've noticed that in the past 5 years or so AP has been making a lot of dresses with ridiculously high waists.... also so many sack dresses (I know they started doing this back in like 2012 or so with that polka-dot M&M print dress)

Sorry for the long rant, I just really miss the old days of lolita fashion

hello there!

i'm always glad to have some feedback when i post rambles and thoughts on things. i never expect it, so thank you for your input! it's also comforting to know others feel the same way.

i agree that without as many publications in general (especially physical) there's less of a reason to put as much effort into details, like the magazine spreads that were commonly done for example. most people get information on releases online these days, making physical catalogs a bit obsolete.. aside from collectors. i greatly miss all of the graphics and how inspirational everything felt back then, especially the little PNG pictures of items in catalogs.

you're completely right about pictures from GLB's and other magazines looking generally "happier" and more like daily life sort of pictures, like the one in the cafe you mention. that aspect of it appealed greatly to lifestyle lolitas! seeing a dress pictured in a "real life" situation rather than just a plain white background photoshoot picture makes a huge difference. it brings it to life, and makes it a lot easier to see yourself wearing it.

i think a big change in marketing is that AP doesn't cater as much to lifestylers.. and lolitas who are very much interested in the fashion beyond a surface level and see them as more than just clothes. all of the photos now actually feel like advertisements, when they used to also be appealing from a photography perspective. like they're only trying to sell you a product and not an experience, even if only visual. for me, that takes away from it a lot.. it almost feels as though that sense of community, and the acknowledgement that lolita is a subculture, is dwindling.

plus, it's definitely more than just presentation that's changed as you said. i feel as though the designs AP offers have been super uninspired compared to old releases. not as many details, not as much custom lace, and the general silhouettes becoming a bit lazy.. tons more, but i could go on for days. even the revamp and progression of the lyrical bunny mascot has felt a bit soulless. very sad to see, because i do agree that they were the brand to introduce OTT sweet in a revolutionary way.

as much as i gripe about old vs new AP changes, the positive side is that we can still look back fondly on the old era!

and no problem at all! it was nice to hear another perspective on this. ^^

Step by Step and (lack of) emotional catharsis

I have been reflecting on the Jeng and Pat romance aspects of episode 10 of Step by Step, trying to pinpoint the source of my discontent. Because candidly, I expected to like it more than I did. They finally kissed! They started a relationship! They had several flirty, sexy scenes! Pat pinned Jeng up against a car door and climbed on his back! They made out like fiends on every available surface! I love all that stuff, and normally when I get to this phase of a romance I feel a certain happy giddiness come over me. Not so today, and I think I’ve figured out why.

Before I get into it, let me tell you what I am not doing in this post. I am not getting into the show’s already well-established pacing and editing issues. I am not predicting what comes next, nor do I care for the purposes of this post. And I am not here to talk about whether the events of today’s episode were realistic or in character. There are good discussions of all that happening already (check out this post by @shortpplfedup for a read on what’s happening with the plot), and there are ways for me to rationalize everything we saw and make it fit with what we know of these characters. 

What I am interested in talking about, however, is why despite my intellectual understanding of what the plot is trying to do, this episode felt emotionally unsatisfying from a storytelling perspective. And for me, it goes back to this:

And this:

Across nine episodes, this show slowly built up Jeng’s feelings for Pat from a crush to deep affection to ardent devotion. We saw him sink further and further into his feelings week after week. We saw him find ways to be near Pat and care for Pat. We saw him treat Pat with respect at work, make him food, watch out for his emotional and physical safety, and find ways to give him gifts. We saw him beg for the simple chance to be a safe place for him, even if he got nothing in return. And we saw his absolute devastation when Pat first failed to see him, then outright rejected his sincere feelings. We saw him cry in his baby brother’s arms because he was in so deep. We were not just told, we were shown that Jeng’s feelings for Pat are very intense, and that he wants a serious relationship with Pat. 

And so you would expect, at the culminating moment of this very slow burn, that the resolution to his arc would hold equal weight to all that came before it. You would expect a moment of catharsis where Jeng’s hurt feelings were acknowledged between them, where he and Pat finally clicked into the same emotional frequency, and where they came to some kind of understanding of how they want to either start fresh or move forward together as a couple. 

But that’s not what we got at all. Instead, the show gave us a very brief conversation in which Pat got upset with Jeng for distancing himself from him (after asking Jeng to distance himself from him) and started sobbing, Jeng looked kind of confused, said “I’m not letting you wonder anymore” (an utterly baffling line, the man has confessed like five times at this point), made a couple bemused faces as Pat continued crying while he explained the work situation, and then said “we’re together now” and went straight for a hot and heavy make out (and possibly sex on the kitchen counter).

Now, I am not at all opposed to these characters going straight to sex. Jeng has been waiting a long time, they’re horny for each other, the floodgates are finally open, congrats and have fun, you two! But I must ask, where was the emotional catharsis? Where was the narrative throughline from the devastated and confused Jeng from last week to the curiously chill Jeng of this week? Why didn’t we see a trace of hurt or frustration from him when Pat suddenly came in demanding things he had shut down so firmly before? The Jeng who was always so careful with Pat, who wanted them to understand each other, and who wanted much more than just hot sex and a good time - where did he go? 

And if we thought some of that emotional catharsis might come later in the episode, that didn’t happen either. Instead we jumped into a montage where we moved through what appears to be several months of their relationship (the timeline, as ever, is hard to follow, but Ae’s baby looks to be about four or five months old) via a series of scenes where they flirt (in front of coworkers) and have sex (including in public) while ostensibly hiding their relationship. And it really was pretty purely about sex - @neuroticbookworm pointed out to me that despite Jeng’s well-established fantasies of cooking and cleaning and caring for Pat, we didn’t even get to see any domesticity between them. It was work and sex and sex and work. The serious and devoted Jeng of the previous nine episodes became a horny boss who flirted outrageously in the office, decided to give his boyfriend an unearned promotion, and dismissed said boyfriend when he expressed concern about how all this was making him look. At no point in this episode did he seem especially attuned to Pat’s feelings as his anxiety about the office gossip grew (and recall, we had previously been invited by the narrative to notice Jeng’s attentiveness in contrast to Put’s selfishness). And when Pat tried to have a serious conversation with him, Jeng blew him off because he would rather stay in his happy sex haze bubble than deal with the reality of how his behavior is affecting Pat. 

Here’s the part where I tap the sign above again and repeat: I am not interested in debating whether this is realistic or can be read as in character for Jeng. For me, the important thing is that there was a significant disconnect between Jeng’s emotional journey through episode 9 and the emotionally lacking resolution we got in this episode. It felt like Jeng, after finally getting his chance, was treating Pat more like a fuck buddy than the faen he so desperately wanted. It felt like the Jeng we know was replaced with someone whose emotions felt lacking in the depth we’ve come to expect from him. 

I recognize that this show is not over and we may yet hit on some of these emotional beats I am craving. But we are already moving into the next phase of the story (surprise, more angst!) and this episode did mark the end of the long slow burn we’ve been on with these characters. Instead of feeling like we reached an important emotional climax when Jeng and Pat finally got together, it felt like we got two-thirds of the way up the emotional breakthrough mountain and said oh well, this is good enough, let’s take a selfie and go home.

And for me, it was a letdown.

deepdive: sleep token lore

EDIT: This has now also been cross posted on Reddit :] Just a disclaimer before we begin: these are all purely my own theories, I know there are plenty more of them out there that are probably more cohesive! I don't intend to speculate about the man behind Vessel's mask or any real events in his life, I'm only talking about the character that is Vessel. Okay neat, let's get started

We'll start with our key characters: Vessel (protagonist), Sleep (a deity), and Eden (Vessel's speculated partner/interest). I personally haven't dove deeply enough through the older discography to know why the conclusion is that Eden is a person, but here is where I see it mentioned (Lex does a really good job breaking down the lore via a Reddit thread that ties together all of the albums, including EPs One and Two as well. I recommend giving them a follow!).

I'll only be diving into the main trilogy (Sundowning, This Place Will Become Your Tomb, Take Me Back To Eden), but I may revisit One and Two as well in the future. The Reddit thread that Lex mentions is also not something I've had the chance to read yet, so I'm sort of starting off at square one.

The basic lore that we know right off the bat is that Vessel is seduced by Sleep in a dream, that Sleep is an ancient deity, and that in order to worship Sleep, Vessel offers "tokens" to them. The tokens being the different songs in STs discography, ergo the name Sleep Token.

My theory, to begin, is that not every track is actually an offering or "token" to Sleep, but rather some of the songs are simply about Sleep. Many of the tracks are framed the way contemporary worship music is, hence many of the songs are quite literally the worship of Sleep. But these aren't the tokens or offerings themselves. The tokens themselves are the ones where Vessel is pouring his heart out about Eden and the facets of their relationship - physical, emotional, etc. Sleep consumes these tokens and in return, grants Vessel...rest? Peace of mind? Forgiveness?

We'll get into it.

Let's start with which specific songs are about Eden (the tokens), which ones are about Sleep, and which ones remain more ambiguous to me. If we're sticking to the main trilogy, then there's a total of eleven (11) tracks that I know for certain are referring to Sleep, and a total of nineteen (19) tracks that are without a doubt referring to Eden. There's about six (6) in the trilogy that I haven't narrowed down just yet, though leaving them to interpretation does allow for more fluidity in the story. Those last six in question are Vore, Telomeres, The Summoning, Rain, The Apparition, and High Water.

There are plenty of aspects about The Summoning that would normally lead me to believe that the track is about Eden, but a few things tip me off that it may be speaking to Sleep as well. Namely, "did I mistake you for a sign from God?" as well as the line, "something you say or something you do, the taste of the divine." Whoever Vessel is referring to, he is deifying them. And as we know, Sleep is a deity.

Vore was harder for me to narrow down until I listened to it again, and it definitely is speaking to Eden, simply because the "you" Vessel refers to has some distinctly, for lack of better terminology, mortal traits - "your flesh and bone welcome me in, welcome me in." He also asks, "Will we remain stuck in the throat of the gods?" which doesn't seem like something he would ask of a god themselves. It's also one of the most poignantly written tracks on Take Me Back To Eden, and offers the listener a new look at how desperate Vessel is to get back to Eden. However, from a more literary perspective, looking at it through the lens of the "you" being Sleep, it's where we can also catch a glimpse of Vessel's first misgivings with the deity. "There's always something in the way, I want to have you to myself for once," he says. If the feeling of this line is familiar, see the opening sentences from the track Gods on Sundowning: "I see the gods avert their gaze from me. My fucking form is but a wreck beneath them."

And if, in fact, all of the gods are averting their gazes from Vessel, that makes Sleep's presence all the more elusive. In The Apparition, he says, "I know that you will disappear just as I awake." It would seem fitting for a deity such as Sleep to be referred to this way, but then Vessel goes on to say, "somewhere in the past, something was between you and I, my dear." And if he's trying to return to Eden, then this track being about her would fit especially well.

Telomeres could very well be about either Sleep or Eden. "And I know as you collapse into me this is the start of something." We can either look at this as the start of Vessel's story with Sleep, or as the start of Vessel's story with Eden.

Rain was another one of those tracks that I was pretty sure could go either way, but the line, "you have got your hooks in me" felt distinctly like something he would say about a non-human being. "You get what you give, you reap what you sow and I can see you in my fate." Giving and taking. Transactional. Tug of war. The conversation that occurs between a being of great power and a being of lesser power. A human and a god.

The "sacred vapour" in High Water threw me for a loop at first, but this is what drew it back for me: "I know you still bear the weight of your own existence, and you'll never bear the weight of two." This doesn't sound like something Sleep as a being would struggle with, even as Vessel desperately begs to be "washed clean" time and time again. No, this track, despite having a lot of deifying language, is written to and about Eden.

Now that those have been looked at, let's look at the rest of the tracks. Those eleven that I believe refer to Sleep are The Night Does Not Belong To God (Sundowning), Atlantic (This Place Will Become Your Tomb), Gods (Sund.), Aqua Regia (Take Me Back To Eden), The Offering (Sund.), Higher (Sund.), Chokehold (TMBTE), Descending (TPWBYT), Ascensionism (TMBTE), Take Me Back To Eden (TMBTE), and Euclid (TMBTE).

The nineteen that I believe are written to or about Eden are Sugar (Sund.), Hypnosis (TPWBYT), Drag Me Under (Sund.), Mine (TPWBYT), Like That (TPWBYT), Alkaline (TPWBYT), Distraction (TPWBYT), Fall For Me (TPWBYT), The Love You Want (TPWBYT), Are You Really Okay? (TMBTE), Take Aim (Sund.), Give (Sund.), Say That You Will (Sund.), DYWTYLM (TMBTE), Levitate (Sund.), Granite (TMBTE), Dark Signs (Sund.), Missing Limbs (TPWBYT), and Blood Sport (Sund.).

If they look like they're in an oddly specific order, it's because they are. This brings me to the second part of the lore as I understand it - my theory is that while every song is meant to be listened to in the order that they're in, that doesn't mean they're in chronological order. We as the listeners are meant to consume it out of order so that it comes together from start to finish in the way that Vessel has methodically intended. Starting with The Night Does Not Belong To God and concluding with Euclid. The order in which I have listed them above is what I believe the order is of events between Vessel and Sleep and Eden respectively, minus the more ambiguous tracks.

Let's take a look at the tokens first, the ones where Vessel writes to and about Eden. Off the bat we know that Vessel is a fierce and insatiable lover, and his descriptions of how he desires for Eden are nothing short of that. Particularly in Sugar and Like That, the physicality of their relationship is just a little more than hinted at. Tracks such as Drag Me Under, Mine, Alkaline, and Distraction all further instill in the listener just how gone Vessel is for Eden. He is in pursuit - all he needs is for her to fall for him back.

"Did you not say we were made for each other?" -Mine

Which then brings us to Fall For Me. It's the first traces of vulnerability we see Vessel giving to Eden, as he implores for her to reciprocate the affection he feels.

"My insecurities surround me like lions in the den, and I feel like I'm losing touch with what I am again. And slowly I remember why I cannot pretend that I never think of you and all this screaming silence." -Fall For Me

But evidently, Eden does not reciprocate. In fact, Vessel starts to see a darkness in her that is referenced in The Love You Want, Are You Really Okay?, Give and DYWTYLM. He desires for her and to know her, but the more he knows, the more it seems like she either doesn't want to give love back to him or simply cannot.

"Too many swallowed keys will make you bleed internally someday, but maybe you believe that in the end you will be better off that way." -The Love You Want

"You woke me up one night, dripping crimson on the carpet. I saw it in your eyes, cutting deeper than the scars could run." -Are You Really Okay?

"If you want to give, then give me all that you can give, all your darkest impulses." -Give

"Maybe not that you conceal your feelings, they just don't exist." -DYWTYLM

In fact, in DYWTYLM, we hear Vessel plead in the background, "Smile back at me." It almost seems like we've come to the end of something with him. He's bargaining with her to give love a chance with him, but along with it, he's lost touch of who she is at all. Already, Eden seems like a contradiction in and of herself, as referenced in Alkaline as "perfectly misaligned."

Then, we come to Levitate. This is a track that I'm trying not to tear apart too deeply, both because it references a death, and because it references a lot of hurt was exchanged between Vessel and Eden in their relationship. I'll try to be frank with how I think it fits into the storyline, but I'd rather not be insensitive. I say it references a death due to the nature of how Eden is spoken about in these lines:

"I can tell you won't remember my cracking bones, the trauma we can't regrow just as you leave again. Will you levitate up where the angels inhabit? Will you levitate where I won't reach you?" -Levitate

The way I see it, this is much more than just grievances tearing apart a relationship - this is something that time cannot and will not reverse. Sure, Levitate seems a little more up to interpretation about what happened to divide Vessel and Eden, but there are other little references here and there that seem more final than simply walking out on someone. In the track order of Sundowning, Dark Signs immediately follows, and it weirdly specifically refers to a car.

"And if you saw the marks on my dashboard, the new scars that I didn't ask for, would you call asking for answers?" -Dark Signs

It's an oddly specific thing to write about. And it pops up again in Vessel and Eden's arc in TMBTE:

"I was more than just a body in your passenger seat, and you were more than just somebody I was destined to meet...Between the secondhand smoke and the glass on the street, you gave me nothing whatsoever but a reason to leave...You only drink the water when you think it's holy, so keep an eye on the road or we'll both be here forever." -Granite

As far as "what" happened to them, or more specifically, to Eden, Granite is a quite revealing track. Combine the contents of it with Levitate and Dark Signs, and it becomes much more than just about Eden leaving - Eden is dead. Even outside of the tokens, her death is referenced.

"Why are you never real? Whenever you appear, you leave me with that grace. I am trembling with fear, but I know that you will disappear just as I awake...this could be the last time you turn up in the reveries of my mind." -The Apparition

"Let the tides carry you back to me. The past, the future, through death, my arms are open." -Telomeres

"The whites of your eyes turn black in the lowlight in turning divine." -The Night Does Not Belong To God

But how does one "turn divine"? Simple: they're either chosen by God or they ascend in death. When Vessel asks in Levitate if Eden will levitate, I don't think he fully knows that she's truly going anywhere after death. Vessel isn't just seeking solace for his idiosyncrasies, and he isn't just seeking rest that isn't haunted by Eden, and he isn't just seeking forgiveness - he's seeking Eden, even after death. Even Fall For Me has some eerie foreshadowing about this, as Vessel screams, "Oh god, I wish you were here!" in the background and as he says, "to the rhythm of eternity, won't you fall for me?" in the chorus.

When he says forever, he means forever. But now Eden has gone where Vessel cannot follow. Who better than to seek but gods themselves to get her back? Thus starts Vessel and Sleep's story together.

In Atlantic, he pleads, "anything to get me to sleep." If we think about that by itself, it makes sense to say Eden is appearing to him in his dreams, but if we think about it in terms of The Night Does Not Belong To God coming first, we can also think of that track as the "falling asleep" before Vessel is seduced. He's not just looking for rest anymore in Atlantic - he's looking for a reverse.

But he cannot find anything to help him, and the frustration of that manifests in Gods, where he keeps saying, almost snidely, "It's all so easy for me." He's getting ready to go to war to complete his goal. Then, all of a sudden, he encounters Sleep.

"These days, I'm a circuit board, integrated hardware you cannot afford. The perfect start to a perfect war, putting down the roses, picking up the sword...Between the pain and the way you look, I'm stuck in a time where the mountains shook." -Aqua Regia

"And you are a garden, entwined with all. You are the silence on sacred shores. You've got diamonds for teeth, my love. So take a bite of me just once...This is a giving, an offering." -The Offering

The offering in question is everything Vessel is now as a result of his story with Eden, because he was all consumed with loving and trying to be loved by her. The tokens he gives to Sleep to bring her back to him somehow are deep glimpses into everything he was with her, and offer the briefest glimpse of who she was as well. Telomeres is, in fact, the start of something. It's double-sided. Because the start of something with Sleep mimics the start he had with Eden, playing with two sides of the same coin: seduction and desire. Eden's story begins with desire, and Sleep's begins with seduction.

"Believe that though we never eat, we still know how to feed. We still know how to bleed. Sugar, I've developed a taste for you, now." -Sugar

"These days I'm a picture frame, screaming at the sunshine, singing in the rain. Sugar on the blood cells, carbon on the brain, out of Eden's vices running through my veins." -Aqua Regia

After The Offering, the true tug of war begins with Vessel and Sleep, as he starts feeding them more and more of himself in an attempt to get them to comply with bringing Eden back.

"I am granting you more than the debt that I owe." -Higher

Similar to how it was with Eden, Vessel becomes obsessed with the worship of Sleep, offering token after token. It almost becomes a game between the two of them, and Vessel's insatiability reappears. Chokehold is evidence of his obsession and his desperation, and we can see it beginning to devour him.

"I've seen my days unfold, done the impossible, I'd turn my walls to gold to bring you home again. So show me that which I cannot see, even if it hurts me. Even if I can't sleep." -Chokehold

No longer does Vessel seek sleep as a form of rest. In Atlantic, it was "anything to get me to sleep." And now, it's "even if I can't sleep." He is fully devoted to Sleep the deity now, at his own expense. And, as his devotion is received by Sleep, as the tokens stack and as he grows restless, Vessel is allowed a vision of Eden.

"Raise me up again, take me past the edge. I want to see the other side. Won't you show me what it's like? My love, did I mistake you for a sign from God? Or are you really here to cut me off?" -The Summoning

Then, just as soon as he is allowed a glimpse of Eden, he realizes this Eden isn't the same as his Eden. It's what ultimately begins him on a path of speculation about Sleep's true intentions with him. Descending and Ascensionism, while both being in the same key, are also sister tracks. If Higher takes him closer to Sleep, then Descending takes him further away, while Ascensionism has him finally addressing just how much Sleep has taken from him.

"Just take it all for nothing, again. Create, release. She just don't feel the same. I asked, and you answered. But you eat your words in frame." -Descending

"Well I know what you want from me. You want someone to be. Your reflection, your bitter deception, setting you free. So you take what you want and leave...And I know what you want from me. You want the same as me. My redemption, eternal ascension, setting me free. So I'll take what I want and leave. You make me wish I could disappear." -Ascensionism

Sleep isn't just a deity that can "bring back" Eden - Sleep is a deity that embodies her. They become her, but they can never be her. The illusion of getting Eden back only breaks down until it's beyond "the path of reason." And in the way that Vessel chased after Eden, he chased after Sleep as well. And Sleep can show him no more than a cheap imitation of the one he loves.

"Come now, bite through these wires. I'm a waking hell and the gods grow tired. Reset my patient violence along both sides of a pathway higher. Grow back your sharpest teeth, you know my desire...And I don't know what's got its teeth in me but I'm about to bite back in anger. No amount of self-sought fury will bring back the glory of innocence."

It's an ultimatum with both himself and with Sleep. Sleep's diamond-sharp teeth are now taking pieces of him instead of eating through his "circuit board," the one he talks about in Aqua Regia. Instead of freeing him, Sleep has kept him in their jaws. They're not taking him back to Eden at all - they're merely continuing to seduce him.

And still, even in the end, Vessel petitions Sleep once more as if they are Eden. Because the night does not belong to God...

"...the night belongs to you." -Euclid

As it circles back to the end of Euclid, we are offered the same words from The Night Does Not Belong To God. The night belongs to Sleep, but Vessel stops asking for Sleep themselves, or for Eden. "You will not be mine" is a double entendre - Sleep will not be his, and neither will Eden. This track is the last thing he says to Sleep-as-Eden. It's the final stage of grief, the start of Vessel's redemption arc, giving in either to the throes of the deity Sleep or choosing to walk away. The beauty of it is its open-endedness.

Personally, I like to think Vessel is the one who walks out this time. Before, it was Eden, who left before she could truly walk away from him. This not only makes Eden Vessel's vice, in a way, but also makes them foils to one another. From a literary perspective, it is more satisfying to see Vessel take back the night, to see him seek true rest without needing to give himself to the ancient god. I also like this ending best because he finally is allowed to choose closure, which he hasn't had since Eden's departure.

The last part of the theory I have about the trilogy lore is how it's structured. The way I see it, this is a frame narrative. Vessel has lost Eden, seeks what Sleep offers, then the tokens begin by telling his and Eden's story. It's after their story has concluded that Sleep uses this to construct an illusion or apparition of Eden, and it's both everything Vessel has ever wanted and his downfall, if he goes far enough with it. How his and Sleep's story ends, if it ends, is still up to interpretation, though.

The themes of these three albums all go together quite nicely, with all of them serving to illustrate two separate cycles of grief - the grief Vessel feels with Eden and the grief Vessel feels with Sleep. They are both entwined, but both of them end in acceptance.

"You will not be mine. So give me the night, the night, the night."

The poor decisions don’t stop, since I decided to start Gundam Ibo Urdr Hunt while watching 0079. (Though realistically, it seems I’ll just end up putting 0079 on the back burner for a bit). This was motivated by Four Factors:

The announcement that they’re actually going to do something with the series going forward (I’m *hoping* for a full series or compilation movie, but I can’t guess at how practical that’d be, since I don’t know what the series is like yet). Regardless, I felt I should at least watch the series so I have an opinion on it. EDIT: I’m betting a compilation movie, there’s a lot of reused animation, and a lot of the parts lacking animation are conversations.

I already bought the model kits of both the Marchosias and the Asmoday purely on the strength of their designs, and I kinda want to decide if the Hajiroboshi or Cyclase’s Schwalbe Graze are similarly worthwhile (I’m slowly coming around to the Graze), since now’s probably the best time to go for them.

I kinda really want to know what’s going on with Cyclase Mayer. I really liked Mcgillis, and so I’m interested in seeing what a similarly designed character is going to be like in Post Disaster (plus, he’s a serious-faced man in a business suit, so he’s probably going to be fun to watch just from a broader perspective, given what characters in this universe typically have to deal with).

I haven’t actually been that excited about it, which annoys me. Maybe I didn’t see much hype, maybe it’s too close to Witch from Mercury/ the SEED Movie, or maybe I’d just gotten a little too settled in Post Disaster

Also, I just watched the opening for the first time and feel like I should jot something down;

Do each of the rings come with a maid? And Cyclase has two of them? Is he just trying to put a maid household together by collecting all the rings?….…….is this a Gundam harem anime? (I mean I know they’ve been trying to diversify lately, but still….)

Obviously it isn’t, but the thought did briefly cross my mind as I watched the opening.

*the following contains spoilers for the first four episodes of Gundam Ibo: Urdr Hunt*

I’ve watched the first four episodes, as of writing, so I’m just going to jot down a few thoughts;

I like how each of the maids is shown to be different in personality. Berose’s so obviously unhappy with her posting and Parstai actively manipulates things to get a better owner for the Urdr hunt ring (granted it didn’t take much). And then Korunaru’s just cheery by comparison.

I kinda expected the Zan Brothers to be a comedy side-act - a duo of bumblers pursuing the Urdr hunt, based on their aesthetics (very flashy). As such, Rome murdering a human debris for failure and Aiko barely concealing his hostility toward his idiot brother were both very surprising, and a welcome addition.

I didn’t expect I’d like Range’s suit, the Enzo, as much as I did. It feels like someone took the Hexa Frame used by the Hugo and made an actually solid mobile suit out of it - Range loses because he’s outclassed, not because the design is lacking in any particular way. It’s balanced, well armed and has a neat aesthetic. Good job guys.

Similarly, I really like the design of the Monkey Rodi’s. So sleek.

Alright, so I’m assuming the Chairman of the Board for the Omden Colony Company is Torrado Omden? Regardless, absolute peak character design. Man looks like an overgrown toddler and I hate him for it. It really sells him throwing away resources and lives on this thing as…… sorta casually despicable? Like it’s a bad financial quarter?

Overall, I’m really enjoying it. But I do have two criticisms I want to note at this juncture. Though I’m reasonably certain that it gets addressed later, Wistario Afram (is it Afram or Afam? I think it’s Afam, but Afram just rolls off the tongue better) is just kind of the least interesting of the Urdr Hunt participants we’ve seen so far. Like, he wants to use the money to rebuild the Venus Colony into a major tourist attraction. That’s a solid, achievable goal, and the way he talks and acts makes me feel like it’s less about “can he do it” and more about “how will he do it”. I don’t mind that angle, but it’s very different from everyone else around him. Range is trapped working for a company that will cut him off for any perceived failure, and he’s grappling with the fact that it’s not the solution he thought it would be and that he’s got more in common with Afam than his employers. It’s a good angle, as he slowly re-examines what his place in the world, and the crushing pressure exerted by both the Colony Company - a very powerful organisation, as evidenced by the fact that they consider the grand prize of Urdr hunt to be pocket change; and that exerted by the Hajiroboshi itself, a Gundam from the Calamity War. Meanwhile, 598 is enamoured with the idea of becoming like Tekkadan, showing the far-reaching influence they have, however, he’s forced to re-evaluate his own actions and who they’re truly for - in doing so, he can realise who his enemies are and actually take steps to free himself from their control, and from there take’s the first step to becoming like his idols in Tekkadan. They’re both very compelling characters, and it’s just unfortunate that Wistario can’t seem to eclipse that. It could be that we were just told how bad the situation is in Venus, rather than shown - a few shots of the prison’s might have helped, or showing how they affect the populace.

That said, now that I come to write this all down, both of their origins are somewhat similar to Tekkadan (598’s for obvious reasons) - it’s possible that I’m only rating them as highly as I am due to the familiar elements. With that in mind, it is possible that Wistario may offer a fresher perspective on the world of Post Disaster.

My second criticism is one I’ve mention before, regarding Noisy Fairy; Don’t call someone “character A” it’s stupid, because the message it sends to me is “this person isn’t worth caring about”. If a character is worth caring about, they’re always called “mysterious girl” or “???”, so “Girl B”, “Mercenary A” and “Board Member C” are just worthless. Does it cost more to give them names? Do named characters denote different rates for their voice actors or something? It’s just really immersion-breaking, because it creates the sense that named characters are the only ones that matter.

(Also Radonitsa Colony being essentially a prison colony is great, because it roughly parallels the real- life British Empire’s treatment of Australia, though granted without any natives).

Sydcarmy hate

I love reading all our meta about Sydcarmy so, I got curious and start dabbling in another ship of our fandom on Tumblr and their meta of theirs. Because truly, I like variations of ships and I wanted to read more about the Bear overall and hum...Oh boy, the sydcarmy hate is so...Weird to me?

You don't have to like our ship but even in your ship tag..? It's always backhanded too ; they start with denying their chemistry, while playing safe and saying somewhere in their argumentation that friendship is a safer option and state everything as if it was a fact.

Even going to the point of doubting the actors's work with each other ( Like Jaw and Ayo chemistry on screen). So, they have enough chemistry to be friends but not lovers. Why can't they be both? Friends to lovers. You can separate Syd and Carmy from Ayo and JAW. These are characters and people who act them are actors. Two different things. Maybe for you, Ayo and JAW are just friends, which is true, but Syd and Carmy don't present themselves like that to the viewer, sorry if that viewer wasn't you. This baffled me because they aren't they nomi- you know what.

Plus, I really dislike the backhanded aggressive-passiveness; the ''I know I'm going to get attacked for this '' when in reality, most of us have screenshots of our argumentation and examples. We explain our point of view, the people who attack the ship, not so much. It's backhanded because you must not have read nor dabbled in our ship to understand it. Which would be fine, if it didn't make it look like it was based on nothing. - But saying that you will get attacked for this... Interesting. It's not because you see an influx of people shipping our ship and being tolerant that it wasn't a wild ride there.

Luckily, I haven't seen Sydcarmies get personally attacked but we did see the ship being picked on everywhere on the internet and used as clickbait. Basically, using our interest and perspective of the show against us to a certain degree. Because, our interpretation of the show is literally laughed at, us seeing things through the lenses of Sydcarmy is as if because love stories are seen as redundant and Carmy is seen as this white guy people can transfer onto, rough around the edges of wtv, so it's as if it's below him. As if Carmy as a character wasn't deserving of a love story. Or that Syd has a character wasn't deserving of Carmy, that by the way @unladyboss made a post about how Carmy dresses and how Jaw dresses, and I think some of you cannot cope with the idea of Syd being with JAW not Syd being with CARMY. Despite, Carmy being a fine man. So, why would you be surprised...That people who are being basically laughed at wouldn't defend themselves for the reason they are being laughed at.

The person who inspired this post just makes me think they have biases. My fellow Sydcarmies have already dismantled a lot of that type of comments, the lack of chemistry, the friendship and the ship, so I won't go further but yeah, it's weird.

Edit: It's weirder because you realize that there's truly no place for us to just enjoy the bear if it ain't our spot?

Hey Destiny, I don't know if you are still going to do confessional Sundays, but I have one, but I know ppl aren't going to like it.

1. I feel some tomdayas do too much with timdayas. I'm aware this is very unpopular, but let me explain. I'm not a timdaya, but I was a Timothee stan before I was a Tomdaya stan, so my perspective may be different. I feel Tomdayas need to accept that tindayas are going to exist and to stop giving them so much attention. This is not the first time both Tim and Z in their careers, are going to play with love interests that don't reflect their personal life(Timothee with Taylor in Bones and all whilst dating Kylie and Zendaya with Hunter and Mike and Josh while being with Tom).

Back in the day, actors had so much variety in their roles that had Z or Timothee been this age in the 90s, they would have been in 100 romcoms by now and ppl would be shipping them with their costars. It's not a reflection in real life. The insecurity projected unto Z is so weird because this same insecurity is never placed on Tom, and he had a makeout scene in TCR. No one thought he was dating his costar. It's obvious some Tomdayas are insecure, and tbh it's silly cause if you truly are a fan of both of them, you would know that the insecurity comes from film twitter and is not reflection in real life. Tom and Z love each other so much and have priotised so much being together. Only idiots think Timothee is a threat, lol. I also blame the lack of media literacy in this current generation. They see opinionated posts online and assume they are true, like aunties and uncles on Facebook, lol.

Timothee, respectfully, is a good actor but uses pr to benefit his films just like most actors. I saw some Tomdayas annoyed that he gifted Z wonka special edition shoes, assuming that he is trying to get with Z and is jealous of Tom. Are we bffr rn???? They are friends, nothing more, lol.

It seems you guys were not here last year for Bones and all promotion in Venice when Timothee and Taylor were PRing like their lives depended on it. Red carpet moments, TNT posts, and overall flirtatious interviews. At the time, I really thought they had something going on because i was gullibe and was happy. timothee was giving a black woman attention, lol. It was a self-fulfilling prophercy until, after the promotion of the film, when I saw them not liking each others posts, Taylor only praised Luca or did not hang out even when they were in the same city. It was then I realised it was just a job for them, lol. Its the same with Glen and Sydney doing the most to sell a film because its their job, lol.

I've been a fan of Timothee the longest, and most of his dating history happens offcamera than on until he started dating Kylie. I'm aware he dated Eiza and Lily, but when they dated, he barely spoke about them ever. Even when Lily and him had the King, they didn't stand next to each other on the red carpet, lol. Whether you like the pairing or not, this is who he wants to be with, and it's not Z, lol. Tom isn't insecure about Timothee at all. Timothee called him the rizz master for a reason. If anything, it's the other way round lol but that's for another discussion.

Paul and Chani's romance is going to be like the star was for our generation. Certain fans need to let go of this hypothetical insecurity that what's on screen is gonna be translated in real life. There's a reason why they didn't touch each other during the red carpet because both sides do too much.

There's also a consequence playing up to the romance of your titular characters in real life, Corey and India were close in the beginning of the pr of Queen Charlotte and towards the end in Brazil they bareley acknowledged because fans did too much and so did they lol.

The only way actors can do "showmances" is very early in theory careers as they don't have an established fanbase. In the new hunger games films, Tom blyth and Rachel Zegler have great chemistry, but they both have partners in real life, and so there's a line they don't cross and are still very popular. There are fans who want them together, but that's a loud minority.

Timothee and Z are well established in their careers, and it wouldn't make sense to do that.

Hopefully, I made sense, and you have a nice day!!

😳😳

Wow... this was a LOT Anon lol....

I'll try to answer your confession as succinctly as I can lol 😆

Hey Destiny, I don't know if you are still going to do confessional Sundays, but I have one, but I know ppl aren't going to like it.

Actually, yes! 75% of you said that you wanted to keep doing Confession Corner Sundays, so my inbox is open on Sundays for that.

You have to make sure you mention in your ask that it's a confession, and I'll know to treat it as such. 😊

Anyway, in answer to your ask.... I really don't think it's so much that Tomdaya fans are threatened by Timmy (let's get real), as it's more that we're sick and tired of some people seriously shipping them the ACTORS with each other when they are both in relationships with other people.

Also, when you blog, you do tend to see more nonsense coming into your inbox from trolls, so it might get more annoying 😑 than it would possibly for others who are just casually looking at things on the internet.

But yea, we all know that Tom and Z are basically married to each other by this point rofl, so it's not that we're "afraid" smthg would happen btwn her and Timmy lol. 😅 We just think it's very disrespectful for fans to be shipping her with her costar or trying to read into things that aren't even there. 🙄

Tbh, most of us just roll our eyes at Timdaya shippers and keep it moving. Most of us aren't giving them any real care like that.... at least, not on my blog.

We recognize the weirdness and laugh at it honestly. Trust me, MOST Tomdaya shippers aren't worried lol 😆 😂 Maybe the Tomdaya newbies are who you're referring to? But us old heads are like, been there, done that lol.

Back in the day, actors had so much variety in their roles that had Z or Timothee been this age in the 90s, they would have been in 100 romcoms by now and ppl would be shipping them with their costars. It's not a reflection in real life.

Actually, I challenge you on this. Would celebrities of the 90s be "shipped" with their costars? I don't really think so. 🤔 I don't think people shipped actors with each other like that. That seems to be smthg that grew out of more modern times. I kind of feel like back then, people were happy to see their favorite actors in a role together, but nobody really blurred the lines and tried to read more into a costar than necessary unless there were actual rumors of an off-camera romance btwn the two.

Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I just don't think that shipping was a thing back in the 90s. Most people probably knew the boundaries, especially if that actor was already in a serious dating relationship with someone else.

Most people didn't even know much about celebrities outside of what they saw in interviews, and there wasn't social media, so what on earth was there to ship exactly? 😅🤷🏾‍♀️

The insecurity projected unto Z is so weird because this same insecurity is never placed on Tom, and he had a makeout scene in TCR. No one thought he was dating his costar.

I blame the fans honestly. Z is also a woman, so she probably gets treated differently than her male counterparts.

SOME antis have tried it in the past when they tried to insinuate that smthg was going on with Tom and Sofia Ali, Tom and Emma, Tom and Ciara Bravo, etc. It's very small, but it has happened before. The reaction is the same.... we don't like it. 🤷🏾‍♀️ It's disrespectful.

It's one thing to say that two actors would look "cute" together, vs. "Smthg happened btwn them on set during filming...", or, "Did you see the way he looked at her? There's for sure smthg going on there, and they're just itching to break up with their significant others to finally be together like they've always wanted..." 🙄

Anyway.... I DO agree that fans shouldn't put too much stock into what weirdos say online. Weirdo Shippers are going to exist regardless... that just comes with the territory unfortunately 😕.

Live Reading: The Salt Miracles

I am only doing this for The Salt Miracles and not the other stories in The Winter Spirits because it's too much effort and I'm already going insane. I'm also going in 100% blind, I have absolutely no idea what it's about or whose perspective it's following, but my lord am I nervous.

I haven't even started yet but I just realised I've been calling it The Salt Mines by accident and put it in a twitter post oops-

OOO IT'S SOMEONE NEW

I STILL HAVEN'T STARTED READING YET BUT I SAW THEM REFERENCE A PRIEST AND NOW I'M GOING INSANE I NEED TO BE SEDATED

I'm chewing on glass and gnawing at the bars of my fucking enclosure

This (not) reading is more indicative of my mental illness than my actual diagnoses

If St Hilda is a fucking asylum I'm going to commit several crimes

I already love Mhairi she's so fun

Wait why is it changing to another dude Mhairi was fun :((( ik I'll probably like Flint but Mhairi is cool and I want her to write a proper female mc for once

Wait wait wait if the salt is pink it's probably Himilayan, and that along with Russia was where Mori said there was a weird no-clairvoyance zone thing so ??? I'm going to lose my marbles

Ohh nvm it's algae, that would've been cool

Okay Flint is also a priest, we have two priests now

"... I've been, you know, head first in a bucket the whole way" yeah okay this is a Pulley protag and I love him

" 'A whole...Christmas selection?' 'Nuts' " that may just become my new Twitter bio (probably not I like my Glass Onion reference too much)

He has a portable camera so this is probably taking place in like the twenties, but Kodak as a company was founded literally the same time tlfop was happening which is funny

Motherfucker are we getting animal-human hybrids???

I like fog as a metaphor, especially in tlfop, so I will probably write out something about it later

"...beehives, or cairns (graves)" this sounds like when Mori threatened Ito's wife who was allergic to bees

Why tf are there pilgrims??? Ik they're not like the Mayflower types of pilgrims, but what kind of religious journey thing are they doing???

I also want to write about the complete lack of respect for government officials and just general authority from the pulleyverse protags bc none of them have any fucks to give about authority figures

"...in his unofficial capacity as the bishop's shoulder-angel" PLS-

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was mentioned and now I'm 1.) thinking about tlfop again, and 2.) am fairly certain that this story takes place not far from the events of tlfop, because the first Sherlock Holmes book was published in 1887 and he references them as being "new:

"...now the bishop didn't believe in miracles"

"I'll be Eve in a cider factory" tbh I don't understand what that means too well rn but I love it regardless (ik Eve bit the apple and all that jazz I just can't wrap my brain around the metaphor please don't explain the Bible to me)

I auto-filled an Irish accent for Kerryn in my brain so when he called Flint "Father Kang" I thought he meant "King" for a minute

Okay so it starts December 18th, which is also the date that Mori said he would come back to Japan if I'm not mistaken??? (Edit: I WAS RIGHT AND I FEEL LIKE GOD)

But I must be slightly off because X-rays weren't invented until 1895 :(((

Also I know Kerryn is probably the secondary lead but there's something off about him I don't like, I can't put my finger on it

Either Ms. Pulley messed up her math or I don't know what an advent calendar is, because I was under the impression this was in December, so how tf has Rosemary been on the island for 38 days if she's been there since September??? She would've had to have come in November for that to be true

Flint out here profiling people by name like his name isn't fucking Flint (I also definitely laughed and thought of Batman when I read Bruce's name for the first time)

I can't handle references to the winter king rn don't do this to me-

I stopped to make dinner because I'm hungry, I started at like 5:30 and it's now like 7:35 and I have some yummy pasta and pumpkin tea (I also had like 1.5 margaritas)

I can finally use my insanely eurocentric art history class notes to explain the imagery of what Flint describes in Ezekiel's angels; each of the four creature's heads is representative of the four apostles who wrote the bible, and that coupled with the biblically accurate angels coming down from on high are clear indicators of the second coming in art, meaning the previous priest was preaching the end of days to these people

I've always been such a sucker for Catholicism in gothic media, especially when it comes to imagery, so this all is right up my alley

THE O W L ? ? ?

"...the Almighty had forgotten about the United Kingdom" she's so fucking real for that

Honestly??? The Bishop sounds like he'd be a good love interest for Flint. Maybe it's because I don't like Kerryn that much even tho he's the standard choice, but the whole "hearing them talking to you in times of stress" thing is a fun thing I like with all the pulleyverse couples and it happened with the Bishop so. Hmm.

Fliny's whole color metaphor for logic + Thaniel's synesthesia sounds like another essay for me

The optimism of Flint and the pilgrims is really going to make the horror aspect of this all hit so hard I'm excited

On that note, I love how the stones that looked like beehives so readily became cairns as the tone got darker

My computer started updating as I was making this and I was so scared that I lost everything but thank fuck for tumblr drafts

Anyways those salt rocks are a grade A prime example of Chekov's gun if I've ever seen one

The rocks are fuckin BIRDS???

The fear of machinery is something we have seen in Pulley novels before, especially around this time period, but it's just making me think of the Mars House and how that would tie in

HIMB BABY BIRD I'M ABOUT TO CRY-

N O NOT THE BIRD :(((

That was fast

"The islanders didn't leave a hundred years ago. We're walking in them." this line goes so hard, especially because it includes the audience in the "we"

OOO altitude sickness, very Bedlam Stacks-core

The cloaked devil imagery and unforgotten knowledge description is giving very much Edgar Allen Poe and it's gorgeous

I cannot say I care at all about Kerryn becoming salt but damn was it a creepy twist

And the way she physically started crumbling??? Genuinely horrifying

It took this short story for me to realise that that scene in twofs where Mori is giving his side of the argument with the priest in the future where he actually did go to the wedding, he's arguing about the story of Lot, which likely was derivative of the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Wonder why that would come up. Hmm. A mystery.

"He could taste it -- something electric." PLS I'M GOING NUTS-

What in the fucking Cthulu-

Oh Mhairi's back!!! Yay!!!

Alright maybe I spoke too soon with the whole Bishop and Flint thing

Wait it's not Flint??? I thought Bruce was Flint for a second

Oh f u c k dude that was HEAVY

That's so nuts

I literally do not have words what the fuck was that ending

It was really good and clever and fun but w o w

Ending thoughts: I genuinely have none, that was terrifying and beautiful and cool as FUCK, and I think if Ms. Pulley started pumping out only horror novels from now on I would be in full support. It's a really fuckin out of pocket move considering her previous works and even her last short story that had a relatively happy ending but my god it was good. 10/10, very creeped out. Also the sign at the end??? Knowing Flint probably wrote that out and put it around his own neck like a noose??? That's so fucking hardcore I can't believe it. Utterly amazed.

for the get to know your fic writer thing- 3, 7, 17, and 11!

(3 - Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic)

(7 - How do you choose which POV to write from?)

(17 - What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

(11 - Link your three favorite fics right now)

This answer got a little long uh. oops! ^^" Here's my silly answer, but my more in depth answers will be below the cut

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

Usually it starts with a little idea in my brain. A "gosh wouldn't this be such an interesting/ fun scenario?" They're usually just for me to play in my own brain as bedtime stories, and nothing more. But sometimes I'm hit with that itch to write and get something out there.

I do what I like to call "word vomit." Just. Writing whatever the hell comes to my mind. Here are some examples I found in my doc that make me laugh looking back now

The beginning phase is just me going ham!! Throwing ideas at the wall, typing whatever's in my head without spell check or care. Like i'm writing notes to myself.

After that I do "scenes." Basically just breaking down big moments of the fic that I have in my head and writing them down. You know those moments/ideas that you come up with in your head that you can't stop relaying? That.

After that it's just connecting the dots, making everything fit together. I like to think of it like painting. Mixing together colors, seeing what fits and what doesn't, using different brushes. Sometimes I'll get through a scene and realize I'm rambling too much, it has too much dialogue, it doesn't make sense with the story- so I scrap that piece or find a way to save it for a different part of the story.

Then editing. A lot of editing. And hating what I wrote, wondering why people like it. Leaving the canvas alone for a while, coming back and going "actually i really like this. this is so fucking cool, especially for what i have planned at the end hehehe" Sometimes I polish it up in a way that i like, sometimes I go "fuck it. it's good enough"

And THEN it's done :)

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

It's a few factors! Sometimes it's based on what I think would be fun (ex: "What if I wrote a fanfiction from Sonic's perspective. What might he have been thinking/ going through?") But sometimes it's what I want my readers to see.

Like, in the last chapter of "You are at your lowest", I wrote in Rouge's perspective during her meet-up with a certain character. That's because I intentionally didn't want the audience to have the other character's P.O.V. I wanted to leave readers wondering/ guessing/ confused.

17 - What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Depends!! If I'm not feeling inspired, I'll usually check on Tumblr or instagram to get back in the mood/ vibe or read some comments that people have left!! They really pull my head out of a dull space when i need it :) <3 If I've got writer's block, I'll either take weeks off writing or force myself to sit down and just write, no matter how bad it is. Then I just work with what I have.

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

aaaaaaa ok i love reccing fics and i have a lot but here's a few:

Slumber Party by Detton

Summary: Edward Richtofen and his traveling partner, "Tank" Dempsey try to survive in an ice apocalypse.

It's been years since i've played CoD- probably almost a decade, now- but a while ago went looking for Zombies fics for the nostalgia of it. And ough, this fic has my heart!! A Dempsey/Richtofen WIP that includes the main four and their interactions in an ice apocalypse. i just really like it a lot, and if this is your thing, i recommend it!! It's super sweet, and has superb writing 👌

The Buzzsaw Dilemma by redpenship

Summary: How do you stop an unstoppable force?

Three weeks after meeting Sonic, Tails is kidnapped by Doctor Eggman and tasked with building a machine capable of defeating the hedgehog. His success marks his first day as the doctor's secret apprentice, in which he must help the Eggman Empire against his will.

Tails becomes determined to use what little power he has to reduce the empire’s harm. When larger threats arise, he realizes that he can use his influence to save the world—and if all goes well, destroy the empire from the inside out, too.

If only alien invasions didn’t make things so complicated.

OUOSUDHFSFHSDH OBSESSED!!! oh man, a WIP about Tails being forced to help Eggman, and I'm super stoked to see where it goes. But heed the tags, because it does say "Major Character Death" and "Animal death"!! I'm so enthralled by the world building and reading this take on Sonic and Tails. Brainworms!!

Lastly I'm gonna link Sometimes the Picket Fence isn't Perfect by @skimmingmilk. It's a whole series on Sonic and Tails finessing their way past Mobian CPS and it's just so hasdkasdbkhas.

i'm still getting caught up, but i watched the last bit of the latest work being written on stream a few days ago and i 🥹🥺😭 they're so cute. They're brothers your honor!!

for the writer meme, all the primes (1 not included)!

hi mis you're an absolute terror (affectionate) cracks knuckles okay let's do this. I'm just gonna go ahead and put this under a read more from the get go, it's gonna be long laksjfd

link to the ask meme!

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

I do a secret third thing called "hallucinate wildly about scenarios and then put them in an order that eventually becomes an outline and chapters."

3. Describe the creative process of writing a chapter/fic

see above

But really though, to use wyab as an example, once I had an idea of the direction I wanted the story to go I just broke down the scenes in a way that made sense and tried to keep a sort of overarching theme for each chapter. Which is why those chapters ended up so long. >.>

5. Do you like constructive criticism?

Only from people I trust <3

7. How do you choose which POV to write from?

I choose the one that I think would make the fic more interesting! Like, wyab would not have worked if it was primarily Goro's POV, even though his perspective on certain scenes would've been really cool. Though now that I'm thinking about it, I do tend to favor Akira...

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

Been working my way through MistressEast's After Hours at Leblanc series for the past week or so (I'm a slow reader alskjdf), it's fantastic!

Also obsessed with @honeysweetcorvidae's NG+ AU and a certain someone's rebel AU. :3c

13. What’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

In high school one of my AP English teachers told me the word "that" is often unnecessary in a lot of the places people use it and can drag down the flow of your writing and ever since I've been culling it from my sentences unless it's actually necessary. There were at least two places in that one sentence where I tried to use it!!

17. What do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

Cry. Do something else. Pretend my writing never existed.

Serious answer: Music helps me focus a lot! I either have a full playlist for each writing project, or a handful of songs that work for me for things like oneshots. Reading through what I've already written or my notes can also help because it reminds me why I was excited about the thing in the first place (this is a double-edged sword - sometimes it's just frustrating alksjf).

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

Top 3 for funsies. You might say I'm predictable.

23. Best writing advice for other writers?

Oh I should not be giving anyone advice. Uh. I think my favorite bit of advice in general is that you should absolutely say fuck the rules when it comes to grammar, but you do have to know what the rules are first. Break them in a way that's impactful.

29. What’s your revision or editing process like?

I have trained and worked as an editor, so I can be kind of ruthless with myself sometimes. I do at least one pass where I just pick every line apart and make it sound as good as possible, but I try to limit myself to just one of those, maybe two if it's a scene I'm really into/worried about. I'm also guilty of editing as I write, but I've gotten better at quelling that over the years!

31. Do you start with the characters or the plot when writing?

I guess technically the characters because a lot of my stuff is very character-centered/driven. The plot often comes from me going "what happens if I put [character(s)] in [situation]?"

37. How do you choose where to end a chapter?

Depends! I try to make it impactful regardless, whether that's a cliffhanger or just something punchy and meaningful. For wyab, I decided that the last scene of each chapter would be from Goro's POV - like we were checking in on him hehe. I thought it was fun!

41. Do you tend to reread fics or are you a one-and-done kind of person?

Generally one-and-done! But I do reread in certain cases, like when I was writing the epilogue for wyab and wanted to make sure I was calling back to earlier parts of the fic correctly. Or when I'm thinking about sequels... >.>

43. Do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

I am the embodiment of the "angst with a happy ending" ao3 tag so. both?

47. How many times do you usually revise your fic/chapter before posting?

Answered this earlier but I try to leave it at one pass! If I do more than that I tend to start hating my own writing and/or talk myself out of posting it alskjfa

53. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?

idk if it's a perfect split exactly, but I'm definitely both! I think it fluctuates - when I first got into p5, I devoured a large portion of the shuake tag before writing anything at all. And then I got absorbed in my own writing and barely read anything that wasn't friend fics alskjdf

59. Does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? if not, would you tell anyone?

At this point all of my friends are also fic writers and/or in fandom lmao. But my family doesn't know, and I simply do not want to explain all that to them.

61. Why do you continue writing fics?

Because I love the characters! I want to make them dance for me :3c

67. Do you prefer prompts and challenges, or completely independent ideas?

Both! I like going full indulgence with my own ideas, but prompts are great for challenging myself.

71. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

Again using wyab as an example: The entirety of the fic is in one google doc. Makes it easy to search for things, and to make outlines. Part of the reason I added the p5-esque calendar dates was to keep myself on track, and to indicate that time was passing without having to spell it out every time. Other than that... I tend to stream of consciousness write my notes as they come to me and organize them later.

73. What do you think makes your writing stand out from other works?

oh god uhhhhh. fuck. I guess probably the fact that I try to balance flowery language with overall concise storytelling makes my writing style pretty distinct? And I'm a slut for themes and metaphors, and that definitely comes through too.

March 2023 📚

• The City of Brass by Shannon Chakraborty

I only have great things to say about this book, but I'll start off simple. As soon as I was introduced to the world building, I was completely in. It's so unique and enthralling, as are all the characters! My favorite thing about them is that they feel so earnest and the text doesn't shy away from their flaws. A great start for a great trilogy. 4,25/5.

• The Kingdom of Copper by Shannon Chakraborty

The five-year timeskip was officially the cause of my death. The reintroduction to these characters was just so good, heartbreaking as it was. Despite my feelings towards Dara, the addition of his POV adds something really interesting to the storytelling. In this book, we get to know our antagonists a bit better and I love how they're not heartless monsters; they're awful, sure, but they have so much heart and you understand how they got here, which makes it all so much more impactful. 4,5/5.

• The Empire of Gold by Shannon Chakraborty

We have a saying in Portuguese for when something ends perfectly: to end with a key of gold. Pun completely intended. My statements about the previous books stay accurate for this one. You can feel the characters' pain and anger and grief and the hope they refuse to let go of, and it makes for great character development. In some books, the world is saved; in others, like this one, the world is changed, and I love that about it. 4,75/5.

• The River of Silver by Shannon Chakraborty

Now, I've admitedly skipped one short story or two, but hey. I loved the ones I did read. I expected most of them to be set after the trilogy ended, but they're actually set throughout, showing different perspectives and scenes we hadn't yet read. Even knowing what had happened or would happen to certain characters, it was just impossible not to get invested. 4/5.

• The Buried and the Bound by Rochelle Hassan

I originally thought the ending had been to abrupt and it lacked closure, but I've since found out that this book is supposed to be part of a series, so forget that. I liked the characters well enough, though I was hoping for a bit... more, I guess. The magic system is pretty interesting, and I really liked the portrayal of the Fair Folk here. That's as far as my judgement can go without reading the next installments, so. 3,75/5.

• The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern

This book is insane in the best way. My memory from the first time I read it was blurry, so half of the experience was me gasping and trying to connect the dots. I love and deeply sympathize to Zachary's need to matter and I love how it all turned out for him. A story within a story within a story, that's what this is — and while I mostly liked it, the ending was a bit too convoluted for my taste. 4/5.

• The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty

I was expecting to like this book, but no amount of preparation readied me for just how much I loved it. The premise caught my eye immediately and the execution was just perfect. It's set in the same universe as Chakraborty's previous books, but centuries prior, and the world building is still amazing. All the characters are charismatic and compelling, and I cannot wait to read their next adventure. It did lose me a bit in the final showdown but not too much. 5/5.

• Self-Made Boys by Anna-Marie McLemore

Look, I've never read The Great Gatsby, so I can't attest for how accurate to its themes this book is. But as it is, I greatly appreciated it! The characters were very likeable (except you, Tom) and you can tell the themes are very personal to the author. The ending was a bit rushed, but that last line gave me chills. [Edit: also, the dialogue was very stiff; way too many uses of ‘said’ and ‘asked’ with no extra flavor to them. It was actually distracting.] 3,5/5.

2023 Reads: January | February | March | April

    ;; I did a bad thing lol

    So, based on the Anxiety™️ I was feeling when we stopped playing last night, I looked up the ending to Golden Wildfire. . . and need to say, I’m fairly disappointed. Fairly. Um. I’m not this sort of person, typically, and I’m usually very easy going and casual with my gaming, but I feel like the route is not only ( and actual specific spoilers start here please please please play and make your own decisions first ) basically just Crimson Flower: Claude edition, but it also fundamentally undermines a lot of basic, character defining pieces I’ve had in mind while writing him. A sudden obsession with protecting Leicester’s independence? “I want to rule” in Fòdlan? Church bad must go now? None of these things have, in my opinion, been demonstrated in his character. Claude wants a unification of all the countries, and of Fòdlan and Almyra. So where is this want of independence and to be a king in Fòdlan coming from? And of course Claude has no interest/is not a terribly huge fan of the church/crest system at large for innumerable reasons, but it never felt like his hatred was so deep and specific to the people in charge.

    I’ve also never felt like he had the similar weathervane personality of a certain other noble in Leicester. To think that he really just allies with one side or another willy nilly? That we only have him ( and here are a couple spoilers for Azure Gleam, please play that before proceeding if you haven’t ) in the Kingdom with Dimitri because what? They’re an advantage?

    The fact that his own party members are consistently telling us they don’t like what we’re doing, or that they don’t like Claude’s scheme, or whatever just makes it feel really unsatisfying from a narrative, gameplay, and story perspective, especially when the character in NOT ONLY the last game, but in other timelines of this one never makes mention to a Federation or the independence of Leicester or the like. His working with the Kingdom has always made sense.

    And it’s so weird because I think I know what their motivation for his major change was, and while I enjoy that being so specific to 3 Hopes and being so cataclysmic for him, I wish it was better handled and that there was a way to change his mind. I really think ( MAJOR SPOILER ) having to kill Shahid broke his belief that good will and diplomacy could bring together the countries. I think it really warped his view of what he wanted and what he was fighting for. And I wish there was anyone in this route he felt he could talk to, but given the lack of time and development Claude got in both the monastery and in taking the Alliance over, I get why he’s so in his own head and pulled back. I get why he’s on his back foot the whole game and making choices people don’t like. I understand so much of the rational for the game. But him siding with the Empire and attacking the Church, and apparently with such ferocity too? That doesn’t feel right to me. 

    In no way am I saying Golden Wildfire bad and anyone who likes it is dumb. I’m not even saying that the writing is bad or the writers “character assassinated” or whatever I’ve been seeing people complain about. Please play the route. Please form your own opinions. It was just very disappointing for me because I had a lot more faith in the strength of his kindness and need for his dream to be realized, so the fact that they so much tossed it out the window when it has ruled him every other route just feels. . .  like a gut punch. I have more faith that Claude is stronger than the route portrays him. And again, not to say he’s not put through a wringer! Not to say it doesn’t make sense for him to get broken down! I just wanted more.

    AND THAT IS WHY!!!!!

    I’m probably going to be working on my own verse to write in lol. It’ll probably be called Golden Gleam. I really don’t mind Part 1 of the GW route, and don’t see why it can’t run tandem to AG, but I will probably blend and meld some ideas from AG and GW and make my own golden route ( casually writes out my ideal of all three lords sitting down and having a fucking discussion and solving their problems in an intellectual and diplomatic way before just being like lol war which I know would undermine the whole gameplay of FE games so lol that can’t happen but I want it dang it ). I’ll post more about it as I think of it, but the fact that the game opened itself up to a very simple ruse that Claude didn’t employ startles me. 

    Anyway, I’m serious: please love the game. Please love this interpretation of Claude if you like it. I’ll be picking and choosing for my portrayal of Claude in 3 Hopes because honestly, I feel like the game should be called 2 Hopes ( and 1 Dashed Beyond Recognition ) at this point, and that just hurts me a lot. 

Edit: I’m seeing some other posts on this subject and just want to throw in: I definitely see WHY they made these changes. I see WHY Claude is more in his own head and unwilling to listen and uncompromising etc. And I definitely appreciate that a lot of it can boil down to the fact that he didn’t get the time in the monastery to learn to trust and work with these people ( and their now enemies ). I just am disappointed. I will say negative character development and good and fascinating 99% of the time. But for me, I didn’t want to see Claude lose an aspect of his character that I always treasured: his ability to see the diplomatic or optimistic outcome, his ability to keep his head on straight in times of crisis, and his dedication to his dream ( one born, in my opinion, out of kindness and I want to be liked for who he is ). So to see a route that just ( again: reasonably and very well explained ) backslides on him so hard. . . And from what I can tell, we don’t get the payoff of him learning to rely on others or anything? He even tells Byleth something to the effect that his soul was calling for them this whole time and I’m just… is that how you’re telling me Claude’s destined to be miserable in any route out of Verdant Wind? It just hurts! I usually like angst and again, negative character development, but this just doesn’t have the hope ( ironically ) that I love so much in Claude. The writing is there. The changes make sense. I just wanted something different. That’s why I hope people still play and still enjoy the route and changes. Maybe some threads I could toy with this characterization of him, because it does work. It’s just not the version of him that makes me happy.

being jealous of younger folx & learning why i have passive and asshole-y solutions 4 those who follow me around

Written Wednesday, July 26th at 7:44PM

Finally transferring the files over to my laptop for edit. The next few days will be a fun ride.

I was showering right now and I thought about my friendship with Ray, whether I’ll be in grad school in the next couple years, who I will be when I’m in grad school, how I’ll change as time passes, and how I’ll continue to grow into the person I hope to be.

I had a call around 5pm that made me confront my difficulty for accepting and celebrating the accomplishments of those who are younger than me. That’s actually one of my biggest secrets - that I am intimidated, envious, and jealous of those who are achieving a lot more than me at a younger age.

I can logically understand that there can’t be a comparison when everyone’s experience varies significantly based on a myriad of factors, but for some reason, my emotional side gets charged up when I am forced to confront this feeling.

However, I’m determined to overcome it as an obstacle in my life. In the same way that I squashed the lunch invitation from a kind and much, much older stranger from the gym or when I realized my denial about my sister’s marriage with her partner is because I’m scared of losing our relationship, I can definitely tackle this new bump in the road. Perhaps I won't do it headstrong, but I can gradually overcome this, even if it causes minor discomfort to my life.

I want to explore and confront my own feelings of insecurity when it comes to witnessing younger folks achieve greater things than me. What I want from myself is to accept it - like truly accept it, celebrate and even learn from their wins, and hope that they will continue to grow and become great people to positively impact the world.

I need to also realize that I’ve accomplished some huge feats that have made ripples across wherever I was at the time whether high school, UCSB, or the industry I’m currently working in. If I am to sit and try to pinpoint when this insecurity developed was perhaps senior year when I was serving as ASB president and my VP was much better at delegating tasks and handling business than I was. I was pure passion and spirit, but I lacked the ability to lead and support my team members entirely.

It’s probably not likely that that one specific experience is the reason this insecurity manifested and grew over time, but it was a strong one if I could identify it that quick. Feeling inadequate next to someone younger than you, and feeling like you aren’t doing as good as someone who had less years on Earth than you, sucked. Instead of facing my jealousy and doing my best to learn from her and grow with her, I internally ran from it.

I avoided situations where confrontation was involved. I struggled to speak up and voice my concerns. This led to me not embodying leadership in the way I acted. I was passive and scared and I let those feelings take over me, control me, even up to this point at 25 years old. 

There isn’t as much shame that’s around that feeling as there used to be, which I’m happy about. It feels cleansing and healing to sit and write out what I’ve been feeling on and off for a while, and letting myself process it without personal judgement. My insecurities are human and valid, but I want to empower myself and remember the following:

Comparison won’t make me feel better about my situation, so I’ll embrace myself and who I am.

Just as much as I may envy another person, they may be feeling that way about me. The grass is not always greener on the other side.

I am of high value, and I will remember that. I know that I bring plenty of perspectives, valuable opinions, and knowledge to the table

I am a massive asset.

Everyone has a different starting point. The way I win is to do my very best, in my own unique way.

At the end of the day, I’m certain every human has their own uncomfortable secrets they sit with everyday. It’s alright that I have my own and it’s cathartic to let mine go and release it into the air without feeling embarrassment.

This isn’t it for all the thinking. While I transfer my photos, I have more thoughts I’d like to share. One in particular is a thought I’ve been trying to process for a while now.

I don’t know how I’d best navigate someone being annoying to me, because I’m too afraid of hurting their feelings. Okay, this is actually a beast of something to write so bare with me as I try to discuss the intangible.

While on a trip, I was stuck with one other person and this person annoyed the life out of me. I couldn’t handle it. I wanted to explode. I wasn’t able to communicate to this person that I was actually fed the fuck up with them and not anyone else, so I made up another reason I was so irritable. But in fact, it was that person that was getting on my nerves.

The amount of yo-yoing cognitive dissonance, fluctuating empathy and remorse I felt through this trip was insane. Something I don’t ever want to experience again in my life. There were times when logically I was able to understand where this person was coming from and how their need to follow me was for their own comfort and safety. But at the same time, I was listening to the other side of my brain that was screaming, “GET A LIFE! WHY CAN’T YOU BE SELF-SUSTAINABLE AND HANDLE YOUR OWN SHIT! FIGURE IT OUT! I AM NOT HERE TO CONSTANTLY HELP YOU!”

I know. How could the Human Sun think something like that? It’s mean, it’s insensitive, it’s bad. I know. But! I won’t judge myself, I want to let myself process and understand where this came from and why it’s happened. 

When I was in high school around my 9th or 10th grade year, I had one friend who had a tendency to follow me around. She definitely admired me, cared for me, and wanted to be my best friend, but for some reason, I wasn’t attracted to the conversations we had or the activities we shared together (not really any). At some point, I couldn’t find the best way to manuver this unrequited friendship, so I distanced myself and later on, she got the hint that I probably wasn’t trying to be best friends. Back then, I was most likely relieved and carried on with my life happily, knowing there didn’t have to be any confrontation or a huge ordeal about it.

In retrospect, that was not the greatest way to solve the issue. It was passive and kind of, if not completely, asshole-y. This time around, it happened at 25 and I sort of took the same route! If this happens again in the future, I want to be mindful of why I feel what I feel and how to combat it kindly and gently. Here are some explorations of my actions in this situation:

I would rather people I’m annoyed at find a problem with me, than me find a problem with them even though I already know I have a problem with them. 

Ok, reading this sentence back - why do I do this? It’s like, subconscious mind games.

Are we all a little manipulative as human beings? I wonder.

I would rather these people not like me than me make it clear and audible that I don’t like their behavior, because I don’t want to hurt them.

Curious to know if this is rooted in my people pleasing tendencies? I’m not sure. It’s interesting. 

I’m learning that we as humans try to find solutions throughout our lives as we’re faced with various kinds of obstacles, and some of them we keep into our adulthood or leave in our childhood based on their effectiveness. Sometimes, we’re aware of them and sometimes, we’re not. 

The power to be aware of my subconscious behavior is helpful, but it’s also difficult when my emotions are fighting against knowing usually what’s right. My mindfulness side of the brain is usually right. It’s calm, centered, aware, and in control. My emotional side tends to lack regulation and allows me to jump into the pool of instant gratification, where I avoid effective communication, confronting my own feelings, and choosing the right path forward for a more productive and healthy life.

I might not have all the answers as to why I act passively, distance myself from others, or even lie when they annoy me. But I'm digging up the clues and I'm determined to improve myself. Here is a little game plan for me in the future so I can be a better person in my relationships with people I find annoying:

Clearly and kindly communicate your needs and boundaries with the people around you. Honestly is important.

Prioritize emotional regulation and empathy at times of peak frustration. Can you let your mindfulness take over and act upon these deeds?

Try to avoid falling into instant gratification and be angry, passive aggressive, or lie. These will only increase your stress as time goes on.

The more productive and effective you are in this situation, which means confronting, addressing, or handling the issue like a boss, the less stress it will put on you and it will allow you to move forward and be in control of your life.

It’s interesting sitting here in the thick of my filmmaking process but still having the time to write out all the internal processes that happen in my head without me really noticing, until I notice it. At the end of the day, I really am a humanny human. 

Oh! One last thing. One mundane thing in my life that I love when I do it is wash my hands. I love washing my hands. I find it a completely meditative, wholesome, clean, wonderful process that I do everyday that I love. Especially when I have good hand soap.

Tanks To Ukraine with Ben Hodges and Dana Lewis/Transcript interview

Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (00:00) I don't think the joint staff really believes that Ukraine can defeat Russia. And so because of that, they, they stop short of saying, let's give them this, let's give them this. And because I think they also have an exaggerated, uh, perception of the risk of Russia using a nuclear weapon. Host - Dana Lewis : (00:19) Hi everyone, and welcome to another edition of backstory. I'm Dana Lewis. As I record this, Germany is finally announcing it will provide leopard or leopard tanks to Ukraine, and it will allow other European countries, which own leopards to do the same. America will also send a few dozen M one Abrams tanks. A few hundred tanks could be on the frontline in Ukraine. Within months, they will, according to my guests this week, retired Lieutenant General Ben Hodges, change the battlefield and help Ukraine towards victory. And that's a key word, victory, because up until now, a lot of Western countries have said, okay, stop Russia. But they've not quite said they want Russia to lose because of fear of what that might mean. Retired Lieutenant General Ben Hodges is the former commander of US Army Europe, and he joins us now from Germany. Hi, Ben. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (01:19) Hey, good morning, Dana. Host - Dana Lewis : (01:21) And you've, you've taken on a new role now, uh, with human rights first. I mean, what, what is the focus? Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (01:27) So I joined human rights first this past summer because, um, I wanted to broaden my perspective on certain things beyond just traditional defense and security issues. And frankly, because I was concerned about the rise of extremism, not only in Europe, but even in our own country back in the, in the States. And so human rights first gives me the, the chance as a senior advisor to stay focused on, uh, Russia's aggression and, and, uh, Europe, but also to, uh, weigh in on those matters about protecting our own democracy at home. Host - Dana Lewis : (02:03) You are in the epicenter of this debate now, uh, Germany, over the question of whether to supply leopard two tanks or not. Maybe yes. Uh, maybe no, maybe rain. Maybe snow. It goes on and on. And it looks like maybe Germany's about to get on with this. They're at least advertising that they're about to make a decision. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (02:31) So, uh, last Friday, uh, at the, the meeting of the Ramstein contact group, uh, Germany missed a great opportunity to clarify not just about tanks, but about their strategic view of the world, about, you know, their role, uh, in contributing to stability and security in Europe. Uh, first week on the job for the new defense minister was a global stage, was been a perfect opportunity to say, um, yes, of course, not only are we gonna do everything we can for as long as it takes, which is what Chancellor Schulz has said, they could have specifically said, for now, we are willing to at least allow other nations to have layards to donate them or give them to Ukraine if they want, as we continue to review our own policy instead, uh, the new defense minister said, I'm not a strategist, I'm the minister, which that's not a great, uh, way to start, but of course, if you are the defense minister, of course you have to be a strategist. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (03:32) And then secondly, he said that we are going to start, we need to count and get accountability of what we have . So after eight years of this war and one year of the special military operation, the German Defense Ministry doesn't know how many tanks they have and what their status is. I mean, that, that really, uh, lays bare. What we've all suspected is that the, uh, the German, uh, defense ministry does not have the culture of readiness, even though their officers know how to do this. The civilian leadership there. And, and the bottom line is that, um, Germany still lacks self-confidence. And so they, um, when it comes to defense type issues, and, and, um, you know, so the Chan Bundes counselor has to deal with internal politics inside his party. And, uh, so they come across as hesitating, uncertain. To be fair, the United States also has stopped short of a fullthroated. We want Ukraine to win. And so that allows Germany to hide a little bit behind, um, the US Host - Dana Lewis : (04:41) General Petraeus. Uh, you know, your, your former commander when you were in the hundred first Airborne, um, he, he said that the US message was unhelpful. Um, that yes, the M one Abram tanks from America would probably be unhealth, uh, would be unhelpful to Ukraine because of the, the maintenance the jet fuel needed. It's, it's just not the tank for the moment, but he said, look, if if the US in giving a dozen or 14 tanks, uh, would be enough to give Germany some self-confidence about supplying the tanks, then it should, should just do it. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (05:18) E exactly. This, this is the United States. And, and what, what I hear coming from the Pentagon, unfortunately too much, not just from the White House, but from the Pentagon, is, um, you know, they stopped short of saying, we want Ukraine to win, and therefore we're gonna give everything that they need. Um, the closest that, uh, secretary Austin is, is able to come. Now, of course, part of this, he, he couldn't be on a pretty tight leash from the White House, but he said, we, we want Ukraine to be successful. What, what does that mean? Successful at what? And, and, and then the chairman who, who I've known for many years, a very, very good smart professional soldier, you know, keeps talking about, you know, Ukraine should negotiate. I don't know, I don't think it that they could eject Russia. I mean, he, first of all, I disagree with him. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (06:08) Second of all, um, the chairman talking about negotiation is that's, that's not his role. And, and so, but this has revealed to me that, uh, I don't think the joint staff really believes that Ukraine can defeat Russia. And so because of that, they, they stop short of saying, let's give them this, let's give them this. And because I think they also have an exaggerated, uh, perception of the risk of Russia using a nuclear weapon. And I think they also were, are thinking in very traditional conventional terms. You know, there was a huge debate in World War ii. Eisenhower decided to push the broad front. So you had US forces in a broad front from north to south, rather than focusing, um, for a, a penetration that would've brought about a quicker result. And I think that the joint staff thinks like Eisenhower did in that regard of a broad front versus a decisive operation that would isolate and liberate Crimea and then take care of all the rest later. Host - Dana Lewis : (07:15) I mean, you often speak about isolating and penetrating into Crimea by Ukraine, and a lot of people are scared when they hear that. I mean, hear that, that question of should they enable Ukraine to take back the Crimea because they fear that the Crimea probably is never gonna be taken back by Ukraine because Russia will do anything and everything. And you talk about nuclear blackmail, everything to defend Crimea, and that there is not a decision making diplomatic, um, de decision making that's, that's been taken that yes, Crimea eventually is a goal that Ukraine should have. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (07:57) Crimea is the decisive terrain. Ukraine will never be safe or secure, nor will it ever be able to rebuild its economy. As long as Russia controls Crimea. I mean, when you just look at the map, you can see if they sit in Crimea, they can reach all of Southern Ukraine. Uh, they can disrupt any traffic going in and out of Odessa or the Nero. And certainly they'll continue to block anything going up into Aza Sea. So where Ukraine has two, uh, major seaports, bear, Danskin, Mariupol, both of which of course right now are occupied by Russian forces. So as long as they sit in Crimea, they're gonna be able to keep doing this. They'll wait a couple years for us to lose interest, and then they'll pick, pick back up where they left off. So, uh, I, it would be a significant mistake for Kiev to agree to any kind of negotiation where Russia retains Crimea, especially because I think that they can liberate Crimea by the end of this summer. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (08:53) Now, yes, um, there are people that say, oh, this is a red line for the Kremlin. You know, we've been hearing that the Kremlin was gonna escalate if we provided javelin, if we provided Stinger, if we provided high Mars, if we provided Patriot, if we provided Bradley, none, none, none, none, none. Um, and I think that, um, if we think, if we think differently about C Crimea not as a, a big blue arrow that's going to go and, and attack it in the old fashioned way, but instead isolating it by, uh, destroying the two, the only two links that connect Crimea back to Russia, one obviously is the K bridge. And notice the Russians did not do anything after the Kch bridge was severely damaged. I mean, they, they couldn't escalate after that. They're trying to repair it, and maybe they'll have it repaired by March, but I'm sure the Ukrainians will revisit that K bridge again. And then the other line of communication is the so-called land bridge that runs from ov down through Marial, Mela topa to Crimea, sever both of those with long range precision fires. And then you start making Crimea untenable, there's nowhere to hide. Sevastopol, zaki, all the big places attacks, uh, ground lodge, small diameter bombs, gray eagle, that place becomes untenable. The Russians won't be able to operate from there. Host - Dana Lewis : (10:23) So as an, as an army general who spent your entire retired life, Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (10:28) Retired, Host - Dana Lewis : (10:29) Retired who spent your entire life commanding forces, if I told you, go and fight, uh, Lieutenant General Hodges, send your men in there and defeat that enemy, but don't take their major launchpad where they, uh, re-arm, um, regroup, um, and, and actually attack from what? I mean, what would you say to me? Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (10:54) I would say, uh, whoever gave me that order has failed to remember history. I mean, we went through that in Vietnam where the, uh, the vie and the North Vietnamese had a sanctuary, um, outside of Vietnam, uh, where the North Koreans had sanctuary and where the Taliban had sanctuary in Pakistan. So, uh, what we have done is in effect, create sanctuary for the Russians by limiting the weapons we provide to, uh, 90 kilometers the gimler rocket that's or missile that's fired by high Mars 90 kilometers. So anything beyond 90 kilometers of where high Mar is located is in effect sanctuary. And, and I'm, I'm not talking about just inside Russia or Belarus, I'm talking about Crimea. And so Russia has sanctuary from which they're able to launch these Iranian drones, airstrikes, uh, the black seed fleet sells out, um, and launches caliber missiles. And, and so, uh, and of course they've got gigantic logistics, uh, sites in, in Crimea as well. Host - Dana Lewis : (12:05) Does providing tanks in inevitably they're gonna come, I think whether agree come directly from Germany or whether they come from some of the other nations in Europe, the, the Leopard Anglia parts as they're, as they're called. Do you think that they will change the, the battlefield? Are they a key here? Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (12:22) Yes, because the, uh, armored force, well, let me lemme step back. I think that Ukrainian general staff realizes that they can pretty much hold Russia with what they have already. O obviously at great costs. But after five months, Russians have not been able to take Bach mo, right? So doing what we would doctrinally call economy of force, holding that back, that gi that should give the Ukrainian general staff the confidence that they can build up a large armored force that is trained logistically ready. And it's built around, uh, Ukrainian armored vehicles, plus captured Russian vehicles and increasingly western armored vehicles. And probably something in the strength, in the strength of a division, an armored division. So three or four brigades, uh, that would be used in a, uh, a penetration of these linear Russian defenses between, um, the, uh, Nero River and Mario Opal, or Zizia or Mela Topo with the, with the objective being to isolate Crimea. So drive direct towards sea of Aza, and, and now you have severed with land forces that land bridge, uh, and then in there you exploit that, then you can bring in high Mars and you can start pounding away on Crimea. Host - Dana Lewis : (13:52) And what's the danger if you don't do it? What, what's the danger of this debate just continues on and time becomes a very muscular factor for big Russia, which is recruiting and re-arming and, and thinking about its own offensive. And there are all sorts of rumors about one that's coming. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (14:12) Yeah. Um, I, I think you raise a very important point that the longer this goes on, um, the more Ukrainians are lost, more innocent people are killed. Um, I, I am skeptical about the ability of Russia to, to start all over here, um, that there is talk about a Russian offensive, about a new mobilization, but, um, you know, that was such a cluster last September. I don't know if they've repaired or fixed all the problems of last falls, uh, partial mobilization. Uh, we'll see, um, having thousands of troops, of course, uh, does not equal a real threat if they're not backed up by more artillery tanks, you know, those other kind of, uh, combat capabilities. Um, and I don't know what they've got still in the, in the locker, uh, that they can bring out. Um, so I'm, at this point, I'm skeptical about the, the reality of a major Russian threat that could, that could seriously call change the dynamics on the ground. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (15:18) But the problem with time is not that Ukraine will lose the will, but that the west loses the will. And so I think, uh, the Ukrainians are looking at the calendar and they see, here's an opportunity we could liberate Crimea by the end of August. That's the decisive bit. And then we can turn our attention to what's left in Donbas. And of course, once Crimea is gone, there will be a lot of, uh, internal issues going on inside Russia. And I think the willingness of people to continue fight and die and Danes and lu hunts for Russia will drop off dramatically. Host - Dana Lewis : (16:02) Two, two really interesting tweets from the Lithuanian, uh, foreign minister. And I, you know, I love little Lithuania because they're pretty bold and they've led the debate on so much of this. But Landsberg came out and said, one, um, if we fully and finally accept that Russia has to lose in order for us to avoid future wars, then I believe that all the other questions about sup support for Ukraine will become much easier to answer. Yes. And then he came back to this time question that you and I just talked about. You said, the longer we discuss how Ukraine should or should not be helped, the more Putin can build up his armed forces and murder civilians. That is why we need to overcome our fear of victory and act. Now. Is there a fear of victory, do you think? Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (16:49) I think there, um, the way he said it is, is more articulate than I could have said it. But yes, I think, uh, people are in disbelief or they're worried like, oh my God, we Ukraine might actually win. Then what? And, uh, you, that would call into question a lot of different beliefs that many people have had for decades. So, uh, I think it is important that we should get our heads around the idea that Ukraine can win and will win, and let's do what's necessary to make that happen as soon as possible. So a fear of victory is actually very, very clever. And I think the White House has a fear of victory because, um, they're not sure what comes next. Host - Dana Lewis : (17:30) Does Germany have a fear of victory, do you think too? And that's why they can't quite decide whether to start pushing tanks across the border into Ukraine? Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (17:38) I think it's, it's not so much fear of victory on the German side. I think it's a fear of themselves. I think they don't trust themselves. Um, you know, I hear all the different things about history, about, um, um, guilt a about all this other nonsense that is, um, and I call it nonsense because there was a period of about 20 years where we had a massive German bundes fair, 14 divisions, thousands of art. So this, you know, fear of, uh, military, this is newfound and um, or newly rediscovered. And so, um, they've got to decide if Germany, the Germans have to decide if they really do value, uh, international rules-based order, human rights, um, international law, then they have to take a stand. I mean, Germany has benefited from this more than anybody since the end of the war, this, this whole international order. And so if they're not willing to defend it, then we run the risk of losing it. Host - Dana Lewis : (18:39) Last question to you. You were, I think, more than anybody I know, um, the, the person who called this right pre February 24th, 2000, uh, and, and 22, uh, while so many people were debating whether Russia would actually pull the trigger, Ben Hodges in, in interviews that you and I did, even, even prior, uh, you know, several months prior, you said Russia's gonna do it, Russia's gonna go across the border. Here we are a year later, Ben. Um, did, did this go exactly the way you, you thought it would because this has been months and months longer than anybody probably thought that the war would go on? I thought it would be short. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (19:24) Of course it didn't go exactly. Cause I thought it would, um, and you're being generous. I was sure the Russians would attack, but I did not believe they would attack in such, like from five different directions and that they would go all in like that because it wasn't necessary. I didn't think that for them to accomplish what their objectives were, nonetheless. Uh, Host - Dana Lewis : (19:44) Well, you, you may be saying that they attacked badly and you didn't think that they would attack so badly and do such a bad job. Okay. You did, you did predict they would roll into Ukraine. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (19:54) Yes, absolutely. Um, the, um, I think I would've expected us to have acted faster by now. Really? I mean, this incrementalism by the administration, uh, and they think they're doing it right. I mean, they, they think, I, I, I've seen people commenting this is working, you know, it's, you know, we're, we're not putting too much on Ukrainians too fast. And there's a kind of a condescending attitude that comes outta Washington, towards, towards Ukraine, and the Ukrainians are  that they don't have anything else to prove. They, they have demonstrated they can do just about anything. Maybe it's not clean. It, maybe it's wasteful in certain, in certain cases, but I mean, they're fighting for their life. And, um, I think that, uh, you know, when somebody from the Pentagon talks about, oh, you know, we don't wanna burden them with the huge fuel consumption of a, a Abrams, or they're not ready for this, or it'll take too long to train on that, come on. I mean, we, but it's because we have not, we, the administration and the, and the Pentagon have not accepted that yes, Ukraine is gonna win and that Russia is not going to use a nuclear weapon. Host - Dana Lewis : (21:06) Lieutenant General Ben Hodges retired. Thank you so much, sir. Lt. Gen Ben Hodges : (21:10) Thanks you once again, diner for the privilege. Host - Dana Lewis : (21:14) Okay. And I hate to tell you this, but the clock is ticking the doomsday clock on Tuesday. The bulletin of Atomic Scientists reset the symbolic Armageddon timepiece, 90 seconds until midnight. And that's the closest it's ever been in its 75th history. Thanks for listening to Backstory this week and share this podcast. I'm Dana Lewis and I'll talk to you again soon.

Is it ok if I rant a little about tumblr fanfics? Kinda like an AITA? if you've seen them lol. If not just delete this ask lol :)

so I used to follow a fanfic account and I used to enjoy reading their stuff until they deleted most of it and then are asking that we pay to read it?

and don't get me wrong, they (& other creators) absolutely should be appreciated for their work and i know it takes time but also £20 a month seems a bit much?

like idk it went from being fun, everyone can get involved, everyone can enjoy to you must pay to enjoy it and if you won't pay you just get whatever I can be bothered cross-posting

Idk I feel like I'm being a bit of a dick but also fanfiction should be for everyone to enjoy and I shouldn't be backed into a corner to pay for it? I know I'm under no obligation to do so but it's just a shame bc you can see how much effort used to go in and how much goes in now

sorry for ranting lol, how was your day? love you <3

Y’all can always come and rant to me! 😎

I definitely understand both perspectives. (I don’t know much much £20 is in American dollars so I can’t say for certain if that person is overcharging or not! I have to calibrate it on Google or something😂)

Personally I never would charge anyone to read my fanfics. That’s just not who I am and I agree it should be for everyone to enjoy. I think if people want to send a tip, or buy a creator a coffee, out of the kindness of their heart, that’s a different story entirely.

On the other hand I also know how much time and effort and creativity it takes to make fanfics, and half the time fanfics don’t get the appreciation they should. So I also see why creators are starting to charge for people to engage with their fanfics, because when it’s free, the like-comment-reblog ratio is terrible. (At least from what I’ve personally seen.) Barely any interaction happens and it’s disheartening. Lack of engagement is a huge reason why creators stop…creating. So if charging money is what creators resort to, I can’t necessarily fault them for that either!

With all that being said, you don’t have to pay if you can’t or don’t want to. Sure it’ll suck to not be able to read anything from that particular creator, but you don’t have to. It’s a very gray area where neither idea is really wrong. So no, I don’t think you’re a dick or anything asshole! I just think both ideas, (aka, you feeling backed into a corner to pay for fanfics, and creators wanting to charge money for their hard work) are both very valid 💜

Edit: I’m spending my day reading!! And hopefully finding the will to do some creative writing! I hope you have a wonderful day and I love you !! 💕

The Lesbiana's Guide to Catholic School by Sonora Reyes - Review

No. Yamilet did not plan to get outed by her best friend to her entire friend group. That item had not even been close to being added to her to-do list. She blames this on the fact that it is pretty hard t guess your best friend is going to turn out to be a homophobic overlord. The only option left now is moving on, turning the page, a fresh start at the way too fancy, way too white Slayton Catholic School. This is totally fine. She just needs to convince everyone she’s straight, take care of her family’s expectations, and of course not fall for the very pretty, very gay girl in her class. Everything is totally fine.

Positives :

-L-E-S-B-I-A-N: if there is something this book does exceptionally well is representation. I cannot personally speak to the Chinese and Mexican portrayal but I can personally speak to the general Latine aspects, the lesbian experience and a catholic upbringing. The small callbacks to culture, the dynamics within latine families and the feeling surrounding that felt so accurate to me. Seeing the intersection between being Latina and lesbian without having to chose what I get representation for was something I desperatly needed. This book was loud and unapologetic in a way that I know will help young queer people with their own identities. It feels cathardic to see the journey of our main character Yamilet (even if we narrow it down to something as simple as the use of the word lesbian) and the one of the side characters as well. It was really lovely to see a book like this.

-Sike: there are always certain expectations that we hold when we start reading a new book, be it positive or negative, about the characters or plot. They are always there.I have to admit I was doubtful about this book when I started it because of past experiences with books with Latine characters. I was especially certain about the way in which I thought character arcs were going to go (not in a good way), yet the author met me with wonderful surprises in almost every turn, twisting my expectations and stereotypes with grace.

-Haha: this book was fun. It was easy to sit down, open it and enjoy it for long periods of time. The characters were funny and charming, there was good chemistry between them. I often dislike main characters, almost on principle, but Yamilet and her narration never seemed to grow tiresome. I loved her and her particular brand of humor in the face of adversity, she felt very genuine. The author managed to make me root for her and her goals.

Negatives :

-Pov : No: it is written from a first person perspective. There, I said it. I will give credit where credit is due, first person perspective is incredibly hard to write for a novel. Sadly, Reyes was not able to pull it off properly. as easy as it was to read, the writing was oftentimes clunky and unprofessional, the sentences seemed cut off and undescriptive. The voice of the character was not well defined at points and it felt like a stream of consciousness in a way that lacked edition.

-Alright then: even with all the pleasant surprises and bed stereotypes there was still a high degree of predictability to the plot. This is not necessarily a big flaw if you are looking for a cute and emotionally effective story, but it is worth noting.

-Yes, we get it: this is more a personal issue I have (specially with the publishing industry in general), but the whole book had a very similar cadence and plot to other contemporary YA books written by Latine authors, it struggled to stand out.

shade never made anybody less gay