I mostly wanted this acc to be specifically for art, not rly for anything else but i need to get this off my chest. Obviously if you’ve been on twitter, you’ve probably seen a lot (and i mean a LOT) of hate towards gay ships/shippers recently, (first w togachako, then w stsg) i wanna address all the weird shit thats been happening w jjk dudebros lately. Idk what it is but they’re rly upsetti spaghetti abt even the mere thought of stsg being more than platonic besties, going so far as to shoot down any hint of them being romantically inclined in the slightest - so i thought that i’d take it upon myself to provide poof that stsg has queer, romantic subtext since ppl are being extremely obtuse abt them, all for the sake of protecting their friendship from us evil gays. (other shippers do this too but im mostly focusing on dudebros bc they’re the ones primarily acting like assholes to us for no reason, like yeah, sure, some stsgs are extremely cringey & weird but that can be said for ANY shipper in ANY fandom. When you’re in a fandom as big as this, of course there’s gonna be some bad eggs, it’s inevitable.

ok so. !!DISCLAIMER!! i do not speak japanese, so if i say something incorrect then please correct me. i’ve done enough research to be sure that what im saying is right, but im only human, and sometimes, i might be wrong. so, take what im abt to say with a grain of salt. (just in case).

first off, it should be stated that gege akutami, the creator himself, is an avid bl fan (and ik what ur thinking, ‘oh, that doesn’t mean anything! just bc u read bl, it doesn’t mean you’re likely to write gay relationships into ur own manga!’ which is true, gege HAS said that he doesn’t want to write romance in jjk. HOWEVER, as much as i love stsg & see them in a romantic light, i do definitely think that the reason why their relationship feels so ambiguous is bc gege intentionally made it that way. i think he made their relationship up to the individual’s interpretation. And for ppl who’re thinking ‘why would he do that?’ well, he doesn’t like writing romance, right? so this is the next best thing he could do. and also i have to point out (in case ppl get defensive), gege literally does not and will never care if ppl ship stsg or not, again, he’s a bl fan and if anything - all of the evidence that im going to talk abt proves that he most likely ships stsg himself, so… 🤷‍♂️

2. i’d like to talk about s2’s op & ed which are HEAVILY romantically coded. If you don’t know, the op was written to be from gojo’s pov & vice versa with geto for the ed, the op in particular is a very special case. The song is explicitly abt reminiscing the past , wishing gojo had noticed geto’s sorrow sooner and it also mentions a ‘silent love’. the word ‘love’ being used here is ‘koi’ which EXCLUSIVELY means romantic love… now, since this song was specifically written with gojos pov in mind, doesnt it seem kind of weird to have the word for ‘romantic love’ in there?? (koi can be referred to as ‘young love’ or having a ‘crush’ on someone…. hm… ThAts WeIrD.) instead of using ‘ai’??? which would make more sense if stsg were just besties bc ai is more general and can be used towards friends & family.

and then ofc there’s the whole theme of ‘blue spring’. director park (who directed s1 & jjk 0) has stated in an interview that geto was gojo’s last warm spring of youth. now if you dont know, spring of youth/blue spring means a time in a young person’s life where they have hope and happiness… in animanga, it often means falling in love too… so judging by this, it seems very likely that gojo perhaps developed feelings for geto during their teen years together. Director park has also mentioned in an interview that gojo & geto’s relationship goes beyond ‘friendship’ & being ‘familial’. 👀

3. another clear indicator of gojo being in love w geto is the whole ‘love is the most twisted curse of all’ spiel he said to yuta. ‘but he could mean platonic love!!’ idk, considering yuta had romantic feelings for rika and hes discussing them with gojo & gojo knows this, dont u think it’d be a bit weird for him to mention geto here too? if they were just best friends?? (that’s not even mentioning the fact that gojo & geto’s relationship is supposed to parallel yuta & rika’s in jjk 0…)

4. and then ofc we have gojo saying his last words to geto, which were censored. now, correct me if im wrong but the ONLY times ive ever seen inaudible dialogue being mouthed to another character is when its a love confession mostly seen in romance anime. and like, there’s also no need at all for gojo’s last words to be censored in the first place. (although, i do suspect that his last words may play a major role in the future when he faces kenjaku.) what solidifies it for me being a love confession is that, 1. geto blushed after gojo said whatever it is that he said to him, (only in the manga tho, idk why they didnt make him blush in the movie but its whatever.) and geto replies with, depending on the translation, ‘at least curse me a little at the very end’ or ‘you should at least curse me at the end’. which heavily implies that gojo said something extremely sweet & heartfelt to him as his final words. and if thats not enough to convince u that gojo’s last words were indeed a love confession.. gojo’s eng VA HIMSELF, said that his last words when translated into english means three words… im not saying that gojo’s last words were specifically ‘i love you’ or anything like that, but i am definitely sure that whatever he said was a love confession/something very romantic in nature. bc why else would gege choose to draw geto blushing?? that wouldnt make any sense.

gojo also killed geto on the 24th of december, which in japan, is the most romantic day of the year & couples in japan treat christmas eve as kinda like a separate valentines day. even in the jjk manga recently, gojo offered to fight on dec 24th & kenjaku mocks him by saying how romantic it is… even gege himself acknowledges how romantic christmas eve is in japan, this enforces the idea that gege must’ve chosen dec 24th for a reason, bc why else would he have picked an extremely romantic date as not only the day where he fights kenjaku who is inhabiting geto’s body, but also making it the day geto died?? yall have to remember that all of this has been planned out by gege, none of it is a coincidence… he didn’t just come up with all of this on the spot, he’s been planning this stuff & thinking about it for literal years.

5. and finally, probably the BIGGEST piece of evidence there is, geto & gojo’s character songs. gege chose romantic break up songs for BOTH of them.. like im sorry but if stsg were rly truly only best friends, he would not have chosen those songs for them, it just doesnt make any sense.

conclusion: obviously, this probably isn’t every subtextually romantic thing about stsg’s relationship but these are all the things that i’ve noticed. again, if you see their relationship as purely platonic then that’s fine but don’t be assholes to people for seeing romantic subtext that’s quite clearly there. if i have missed anything out then please let me know and i’ll edit them into the post.

reflection 05-23

9:33pm - today i woke up at like 12:30. this was disappointing bc i was supposed to get up earlier to study for my chem midterm tm. instead i didnt study until like 4 bc i had to go sit outside and talk to people and then i went to class for like five minutes but i left to go study for chem bc i thought that was more important. i went to the schoenberg music practice rooms w my friend that can play piano to take a break from studying and omg the practice room hallway looks and sounds like a psychiatric ward like i swear all the instruments blended together and sounded like clown music and the hallway was long and the doors were all like scary w one little window in them. but i liked hearing my friend play piano. then i met my other friend at feast and ate dumplings and we got to talk i wish i could see her more often. then i went to study some more w my friend from before and we had to check like 15 lounges before we found an empty table. tn im gonna do pomodoro method so i am writing this during one of my breaks. i hope i can get through everything rn i feel like it is doable i bought yerba and celsius earlier so i am prepared for my all nighter. we will see how doable it feels as the night progresses. i am looking forward to 4:00pm tm when i can finally sleep after my midterm and hanging out w people for an hour 3 times in a row.

9:44pm - omg i called today the 21st accidentally. i just realized i cannot sleep at 4 bc of club work due at 5. ughhhh it is only the beginning of the night and i already want to sleep. i have overdone my pomodoro break by 11 minutes now. it is not a good sign.

12:10am - it was not a good sign. i have watched one and a half lectures and am two hours and twenty minutes into my current break. i went to the store and got more yerba mate but it is not working. i have seven lectures left and less than ten hours before my midterm. when am i going to shower. i now cannot sleep until 7pm tomorrow. my eczema is making me itch inside my body i am uncomfortable and everything is irritating me i cannot focus but i will. i will do it i have to otherwise idk what to do no i have to i really have to. only 19 more hours of misery.

3:54am - i have watched one hour of lecture in the last six hours. i am scared. there are other peoples review notes on the white board and i do not recognize some of the words. my friend said theyre important. no position is comfortable i am hella fidgety and my skin is freaking out. i want to shower but i do not have time. my friend is abt to go to sleep and leave me. who will keep me awake. i an beginning to do the thing i used to do where i blink weird and tense my head muscles bc i feel off. i am going to hug my boy. except i just saw his explore page and let me tell you i have never seen so many asian bikini thirst traps in my life. and i scrolled through his for you page and the same girl kept coming up. tell me why when i was scrolling through the explore he said ‘ooh a white one’ like three times. like actually wtf. have i told u guys his ex is white. my chem prof is rly grinding my gears rn. i hope i does not ever find my tumblr. i hope i can focus in the next six hours. oh no that is not enough time. no no no no no

5:16 - i actually cannot think. my head is numb. but the caffeine is finally working and i cannot sleep. i am so f ed. my head does not work. maybe i am just irritable rn. i hate everything. wtf is a nucleophile and how do u tell how strong it is. i just learned but i forget. i am going to cry.

5:26 - my friend is going to sleep soon. what am i gonna do. i was supposed to be done w lec by now and i have six left. i have four hours left before the exam. i have never been so disappointed in myself. i am sad. what am i going to do. i cant cry im too dehydrated and i dont have time for that. what is wrong w me

6:26 - how am i still on the same lecture as an hour ago. i am so miserable. was this quarter really worth it if im gonna fail this class? i wasnt even good at this quarter. but it is too late now bc if i dont go through w that i alr failed. i cant even hear anything shes saying anymore but i barely have time to watch even on 2x speed

6:50 - i am struggling. thinking abt doing anything makes me want to sob. i really really hope my club does not make us do stuff for an extra week bc i actually do not think i can. that week will be spent studying for finals. ik what to prioritize now. they should make that more clear. ughhh my brain is being attacked with words. it does not like it. i hate myself rn. i need to scream

jp updates: sam is feeling good today. he is curious whether or not he asks people for contact information weirdly and is working on changing his phrasing.

lmao ramble/vent in the tags ✌

im still rewatching gotham bc its a great distraction from studying and if 17 year-old me was right about anything its that its Fun

but also. what the Fuck were the writers thinking sometimes lmaooo im not even going to list it all because thats too much work, these r just some Thoughts

please dont ask why im watching it if this bothers me this much, i dont have a good explanation. its just Fun to watch fucked up people do fucked up shit i guess. nothing makes sense ever and theres soo much shit to dissect & so many characters to follow. yea that probably explains it

also this embarassing. i do not want to have these many thoughts about this show again.

1. police brutality as a ~quirky feature of this whacky city~. im Pretty sure that never really stops but im only halfway through s1 rn and its a Very big thing there. im not even going to talk about this much more because im not nearly close to being an expert on it & i dont have as much of a clear analysis of it, its just fucked up tbh how they treat such a major issue in real life like a fictional thing that makes their fake city more ~spicy~

2. the way they talk about/use mental health & neurodivergency

Fuck lmao this bothers me so much more now than 4 years ago. in general its a whole mess & a lot of it is probably based on comic stuff eg arkham, but they really portray anyone in there as a child huh. its So disrespectful and gross

at some point they basically only have villains from arkham, which i know is also at least somewhat comic-based but that doesnt rly make it better? great villainization of neurodivergent people guys (& why tf did they send oswald to arkham??? theres literally no reason for that one)

dont even let me get started on ed. LITERALLY Thee worst portrayal of neurodivergency/mental illness ive EVER seen lmaoo. in s1 hes soo autistic coded its almost funny if it wasnt 90% based on bad stereotypes, he literally checks All the boxes. and then he randomly gets the fake fictional shock value version of DID?? i feel like that was the only thing the writers could think of that made sense why he'd ever kill people lol and its a) So lazy and b) Extremely bad for how DID is seen by people. i dont know how DID works exactly so i cant say anything abt if the way it started/his switching was at least somewhat accurate, but its just this typical "evil dangerous neurodivergent dude cant control himself/is just evil to his core because his ~mind is fucked up~" and its so frustrating. Yes hes one of my favourite characters still. Yes i still relate to him way too much. Yes the way hes written is Extremely harmful. those things can all be true

3. queerbaiting. only developed a ship because it was popular with the fans, then make them fight each other for the rest of the show, then have them be ~brothers~ at the end when ratings drop. typical And annoying.

4. this is less of a Real World Issue and more bad storytelling but plot & character consistency are practically nonexistant in this show lmao. this has been run to the ground years ago but its still so weird. the main thing is again ed for me since he was my favourite, but they really changed his entire personality whenever it was practical for the "plot". i could barely recognise him in s3 until i got used to it lmao he was sooo different. u Could make an argument for the riddler vs the ed personality but again thats bad rehashing of harmful stereotypes & Also doesnt fix anything tbh. the only thing that was actually consistent (if im not forgetting sth) was oswald's character i think? he became less gross over time but that was all as far as i can remember. sneaky, manipulative, too emotional, loses everything because of either his mom or ed aka what he loves. he became less smart somehow after s1 which is weird but i guess s1 him would have taken over the country if they hadnt nerfed him. i honestly cant remember anyone else because last time after ca the middle of s2 i stopped paying attention to anything that wasnt ed or oswald but yea it was a whole mess

i’m sorry she stole ur what. ur bra?????? what

can i make this a story time?? i feel like it needs context so im gna make it Long

okok basically she & another friend of mine came to visit me (p far away) for xmas break about 6months after i left my old school, so we were all still v close. & both of them were like.. the worst guests. they didnt want 2 do shit even tho its like.. its tokyo thats p exciting!! but they never wanted 2 leave the house!!! they never rly thanked me or my family for anything & all they wanted to do was watch this show. i think it was called moms or bad moms idk but i was SICK of it.. but she was esp bad, always complaining & acting like she was doing me a favor by being there when i was housing & feeding her for over a week, ignoring me to spend time w the other friend (they came together & live in the same city so i was like ???), constantly acting in ways that wld trigger my ed (which she knew abt), & just generally being kind of rude so by the time she left i was over it

thats context!! the day she left she asked me to keep her streaks on snapchat so she gave me her user & password & all that. after we dropped them off at the airport i logged into her sc & im a nosy bitch so i wanted to see if she took any vids/pics of us while she was here & i KNOW this sounds invasive but she & i looked through each others sc memories all the time it wasnt a big deal. anyways the literal 1st thing was a mirror selfie of her in my bathroom & like… shes wearing my bra. i recognize it Immediately & im confused bc i didnt lend her this bra. it was from aerie & i mentioned that i HAD one from aerie bc we passed the store once & she asked me. but i didnt give it 2 her so i was a little… hmmm!!!!! so i go & check my drawers & sure fucking enough my bra is gone! its gone. & this is the last straw 4 me im sick of this chick im furious shes been playing w me for ages now & im done!!!! but i gotta make sure so i text the gc asking if they accidentally packed it (which i doubt bc it wasnt out in my room) & i text the other friend who im generally on better terms with & i ask her if shes seen it on friend a, which she confirms later (& also says it wldnt be the 1st time friend a has stolen things from ppl), so im like ok that s it. that was my fav fuckin bra & this girl has rummaged around my underwear drawer which is 1st of all weird as fuck & then shes Taken my nicest bra. & this is after ive bought her SO much shit!!! ok

anyways i confronted her once a few months later when i was drunk (was encouraged to) & she denied it & said i let her try it on & then she returned it which is why there was a pic, which i KNEW was a blatant lie so i said whatever im Done maam & now we havent talked in a year. and thats my first crush

List your top 5 Anime Characters, then tag 10 people

thanks for tagging me @glassmoonfortuneteller! sorry it took be a while to do this lmao -w-

in no particular order bc that would kill me:

1. Oikawa Tooru (Haikyuu!!)

i love every single character in this heckin anime, but oikawa rly messes up w all my feelings. im too weak for characters w gap moe, even if its the ‘looks very nice, is actually a bit of a demon’ kind and not the other way around, lmao. the thing abt oikawa is that he twists in and out of himself; he is handsome, charismatic and endearing at first glance, but hes also cunning and easily overcome by feelings of jealousy, inferiority and egoism. even so, hes an observant and hardworking leader who places his strength on the strength of his team as a whole, never thinking himself higher than his teammates. oikawa looks like he got everything easily, looks like hes a genius, but everything he has he worked very hard for. oikawa built himself to be a winner but never got the victory he wanted the most. nothing w oikawa is as it looks, and that why i cant help but love him.

2. Noiz (DRAMAtical Murder)

u knew he was going to be here, its gotta count for something that i, at least, didnt put him on number 1 too lmAO

just like oikawa, i fell victim to noizs gap moe as well. i mean, u give me a delinquent in weird clothes whos rude to everyone, pushy and even violent, and then turns out hes like a little kid at heart who buys foods without knowing their names, who doesnt know when to stop fighting bc he doesnt feel pain and no one ever cared abt his safety and thinks hes a monster bc of his insensitivity and silently suffers bc of it, ofc im gonna lay down my life for him. im gonna die for noiz ya hear me

theres not many scenes in anything that fucks me up more than the scene (that didnt make into the anime, sob) where he fights w aoba as theyre hiding in the oval tower, and then he tells aoba abt his insensitivity to pain and aoba pulls him down to him and tells noiz the world isnt as bad as he thinks and makes noiz slowly open up to him and learn from aoba how is it like to care abt someone else. its beautiful to see him, whos so young but is both hardened by the ugliness of the world hes seen and ignorant to the good things the world still has to offer, finally open himself up and make the first steps towards growth, and meaning to grow beside the one he fell in love with. im soft. my heart was found full of love.

3. Olivier Mira Armstrong (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood)

ive been in love w this woman since i first read the manga and when i watched the anime i died, thats the story

just like haikyuu!!, i love every single character in this anime, like, im physically Incapable of hating any of them. but olivier stands out for me. i think theres people who prolly had a bad impression from her as she antagonized ed and al right when she showed up, but young me was in awe of her attitude and her strong resolve in seeing for herself what ed and al were worth. shes known as ‘the ice queen of briggs’ and she leads her men with an iron fist, but its also clear that shes fair and values the life of every one of her subordinates, like when buccaneer and the others were late in coming back to the surface after their rescue mission and thought they would be left for dead, only to find that olivier had subtly made sure they would be received any time they came back.

her confidence in her own judgement, how she dealt w miles’ conflict as an amestris soldier and part ishvallan and the way she doesnt rly give a fuck abt whats lawful and correct and goes through with the things she herself considers right, are all things i love so much abt her. when i was a kid i even tried to get my hair to be like hers LMAO

tldr; queen of my life

4. Kinomoto Sakura (Cardcaptor Sakura)

cardcaptor sakura was my first true anime. i did watch saint seiya and naruto on tv around that time as well, but cardcaptor sakura was the first one i actually watched in full and then rewatched again and again and obsessed over, lmao.

i was rly, rly young then. not a baby anymore, def; i was about 10-12? it was an age at which i was building my own personality. honestly, at that point in time i think i was already kinda Messed Up, lmao; id get on Moods and be rly depressed and then super cranky, and i was always socially awkward. sakura made a huge impression on me; it just seemed like her attitude made everything better. she talked to everyone and had lots of friends and it seemed like she had a lot of fun like that. i tried to be more cheerful like that (i wanted roller blades too but i dont live in a place where i can use it a lot, and my parents never bought it for me lmao), and while i never got the hang of being super bright to Everyone and im still kind of moody, i think she rly taught me to be lighter and not take myself too seriously, to always try to see the bright side of things and believe that everything will be alright.

5. Nino (ACCA: 13-ku Kansatsu-ka)

thats not an anime a lot of people watched, i think, and on that note, if @ u all didnt watch it, GO WATCH ACCA ITS SO GOOD UR LOSING OUT???, so theres prolly not a lot of people who would put nino in their top 5 favorite characters lmao

but hes absolutely worthy of it. its fascinating to see the mystery of his identity and actions throughout the anime slowly unravel itself. i even wrote a oneshot that delved into what he was doing and what he was thinking as the events of the show progressed, trying to fill the blanks that the canon didnt show. ill try not to be spoilery w this one bc i want u all to find out for urselves, but i love ninos intelligence, his attitude and his strong loyalty, and in that loyalty, the conflict he feels between his duty and his desire. the episode that shows his past is one of my favorites bc its so heartrending. i love how naturally he fits in with jean and lotta and how the three of them look like a family. anyway, watch acca and love nino w me ♡

I’m tagging @lithuanina, @satyr-syd, @realm-of-spells, and thats it bc im not in contact w a lot of people and tumblr is apparently not letting me tag some others either lmao rip

sʜᴀᴡɴ ᴍᴇɴᴅᴇs: ᴛʜᴇ ᴀʟʙᴜᴍ

i was tagged by @onlineluna to rank shawn mendes: the album from 1 - 10, with 1 being the most liked.

i tag: ?!?! everyone who wants 2 do this. thank u.

( why. ) this has to be my favourite song off the album since i’ve been non-stop singing it and humming it since i first heard it. it’s the song that was inspired by daniel caesar and he did such a great job. i didn’t know how shawn was gonna do with this type of song, but he executed it so well. also?? the lyrics are so lovely.

( lost in japan. ) !!! when i first heard this song?!?! i was so appalled ?!? i didnt expect that from him AT ALL. i was so mf pleasantly surprised by it. it reminds me of a calm summer night i cant wait 2 fall in luv w a girl whilst listening 2 this song.

( where were you in the morning. ) ig i just like his slower songs fjskdf i don’t really have much to say abt this one other than the fact that even tho he got his heart’s ass kicked bc of this song, i feel so serene and at peace when i listen to it. i added it 2 my rainy day playlist.

( particular taste. ) no offence but i love this song !?! i luv the concept of shawn being with someone a lil rowdy and just so independent. ik that the character he’s talking about in the song is exaggerated but like?? the thought of him with someone like the girl he’s talking about in this song makes me giddy (and it’s not just bc i relate !!!) ALSO his enunciation in the song ? gets dis puthy running.

( mutual. ) THE VIBE WITH THIS SONG !! it’s so ~*funky*~ and he also sounds so hot n desperate which is exactly how i like my men! it nvr fails to get me bumpin my head n tappin my feet.

( fallin’ all in you. ) it was higher on my list before but the more i thought about it, the more i realise that i’m just in love with the concept but not the execution. BUT that doesn’t mean that i dont luv the song in general. it’s such a cute song and i wanna serenade someone with it tbh. u can def tell that ed sheeran helped write the song. u can just hear it.

( queen. ) i personally feel so attacked whenever i hear this song and also when he first says ‘it’s hard to believe’, i immediately say ‘that i couldn’t see... that u were always there beside me...’ it’s a BOP and u can’t deny that. i feel like this is one of those songs that’s gonna be better live than in the studio tbh. if he performs this live, i just know that he’s gonna have a goOoOoOoOod time.

( like to be you ft. julia michaels. ) it took me a couple of days to warm up to this song bc when i first heard it, i was like ?!?!? what is this. but the more i listened to the song, the more i started to like it. and tbh julia michaels SHINES in this song. her emotion while she sings is somethin else my dudes.

( youth. ) i had to write a presentation outline about shawn mendes for my friend, and i mentioned how this song sounds like an anthem for a post-apocalyptic/dystopian young adult movie. i love everything the song stands for, but musically? khalid’s and shawn’s voices don’t mesh very well imo.

( perfectly wrong. ) idk why this song is so low on this list?!? i love this song a lot. it’s so raw and emotional, and u can hear it in his voice when he sings. but it’s one of the songs that i’ve listened to the least in this album, and i think it’s bc it gets me really Emo™ whenever i hear it.

( in my blood. ) i think the only reason why this got #11 is bc of the amount of times i hear it in my everyday life. i’ve worn it out already, but that doesn’t mean i don’t put it on whenever i’m feelin like shit and i need a pick me up.

( nervous. ) IT .... PROBABLY JUST NEEDS MORE TIME.... FOR ME TO WARM UP TO IT..... it’s only.. okay ..... in my opinion..... the video was nice tho.

( because i had you. ) it’s...... cute ig............ im still gonna sing along.... but i dont like the concept of him taking his new girl to all the places that he took his ex that he’s still in love with esp when he knows that he could never fall in love w the new girl bc he’s so hung up on his ex. like. that shit SUCKS. ESPECIALLY when his ex has a new mans now. leave her alone, u heathen!

( when you’re ready. ) idk if it’s bc like it doesn’t seem like it fits the album or like. it’s bc i also don’t like the concept of waiting for someone and being someone’s plan b or WHAT. but this song rubs me the wrong way. dont get me wrong.. ima still sing along but?? idk !! it’s just not a fav of mine.

omg this was so much longer than i anticipated im so sorry also i agree with luna that i don’t rly like his album cover that much. i love the flowers but his face comin off looks so weird to me JFKSJD  thank u for coming to my ted talk goodbye!

i have too many thoughts bouncing around in my head so uhhhh im gonna talk abt shit

welcome 2 episode 43647 of my shitty slice-of-life text post series

school tomorrow i dont wanna go!!!!! !!!!!!!!!! depressions been hitting me tf up like some kind of MotherFucker n im so tired i h8 both of my classes i just want 2 lie down & turn into the floor -______________-

read 12 chapters of fma yesterday its good............. i dont love it yet but im definitely entertained so far & looking forward to getting further into it

also started reading silver spoon & it turns out the things i hated in the 1st ep of the anime didnt even happen in the manga who fuckin knew (im sorry i doubted u arakawa) so im actually enjoying the series a lot more this second time around! though that’s probably partly because i got rly attached to the protag halfway through s2 & now i get to dig out all the little signs of his low sense of self-worth on the reread so like. im having fun lol (watching him react to being told about livestock being offed for under-performing just the smallest bit again is..... so good.......)

watched all of aggretsuko today, like the original 100 shorts & the new series, it was p good! i honestly never planned to watch it bc like. i hate death metal / screaming bc it gives me anxiety & i knew this show would aggravate that but idk i heard good things about it from literally everywhere so i was like w/e im in the mood today i’ll just try it out & i blasted through it and enjoyed it v much

i think i like the shorts better than the show but that might be bc i watched the shorts first & got used to their rhythm? but at the same time i feel like the concept generally works better as little 1-minute tidbits. the show is a bit awkward sometimes in comparison but it’s a v good adaption regardless. it was interesting to see the concept executed 2 different ways at least. v fun show!

mmmmm still working on my silan portrait kind of!! i took a break for 2 days because 1. depression and 2. i was a fucking fool and played a Lot of piano on thursday so that put me out of physical commission for 2 days (honestly i was still feeling it today but i rly wanted to get back to work before it started to fade into yet another unfinished project). so yeah i got back to work on it today, and made some decent progress i think!

i mentioned in my other post that im working in clip studio paint, a program im not used to painting in, and i’ve definitely been struggling trying to get used to all these weird brushes but i think im slowly coming to an understanding and finding a technique that works for me? there’s an “oil paint” brush that’s good for blending & previously i was trying to use only that, since in photoshop i never switched to other brushes, i only used the one (hard round). the oil paint brush being a blending brush though, it’s basically impossible to lay down any new color on top of the old ones because the new color automatically blends with the old ones instead of coming out pure, so as a result all of my shading was coming out super soft and light which is not the effect i’m going for

so i found that using a different brush to lay down color first and then going in with the oil to blend made a huge difference & i was finally able to get in the darker shadows i wanted, but there was still the problem of details because like. the oil brush blends rly soft and it makes everything look kind of fuzzy, and it’s especially hard to deal with small areas for details

so today i started experimenting with a “watercolor” brush, which is basically just a normal brush with low opacity, and i’ve found it’s a good kind of middle ground between blending and carving in details, so that gave me a lot more control and is probably the closest i’ve gotten to my old painting style when i was working in photoshop

this whole process has just been rly confusing & im sure there are easier ways to go about this but i know i’ll get the hang of it eventually & get some good use out of this program, & it’s good to experiment with new tools i guess so?? it’s all good?? i’ll be honest im getting tired & this topic is kind of getting away from me uhhhh in conclusion im still working on the thing & i dont know when i’ll be done but i’m gonna fuckin. Keep at it

back to aggretsuko for a sec, something i rly noticed was the ost is?? really good????? i wanted to listen to it while i drew but i couldnt find it on yt & that’s like the extent of my music search capabilities on the internet so im p sad abt that bc that was like my fave part of the show rip

instead i listened to houseki no kuni’s ost which is fuckin beautiful ugh i finished that show a few weeks ago & it was very very gorgeous, like. weird and disjointed and a little tangential but fuck if it’s not put together in such an artful way that i can forgive all of that like what a way to create an atmosphere what a way to adapt a fuckin manga?? i tried reading the manga a bit bc lets be honest that anime ending was super unsatisfying but it just?? wasnt the same??? theres something abt the show being a 3d show and having the music to accompany its visuals & the way they did the lunarians especially holy fuck, it’s a completely different experience watching the show vs reading the manga & now im sad bc i want a s2 rly rly bad,,,;;;

anyway i didnt mean to talk abt hnk so much lol uh. i ended up listening to the op a thousand times bc god when i say the music for this show is rly good i mean it, both the op & ed are fuckin great (speaking of the ed that gorgeous animation holy shit,) along with its super atmospheric bgm just. god

as a reward for anyone who read through all this shit lmao here listen to hnk’s op it’s super good i promise

also watch the ed lmfao trust me it was a gift benevolently bestowed upon my eyeballs and now so too shall it be upon thine

anyway im fuckin tired & i think that’s all i wanted to say so like. peace

hmm talk abt weight and ed and stuff under the cut

the last couple years my weight has been slowly declining and i dropped below a point i told myself i wouldnt drop below (im not gonna say what it was bc it does not/should not matter to u) and it got to the point where a couple months ago i reached the lowest my weight has been since i was a literal child and like..i wouldnt say i have an actual eating disorder bc its not body-image related but my eating has always been disordered for a lot of different reasons like -my depression just makes it hard to find motivation to eat, i straight up dont feel hungry, and sometimes i just completely forget to eat and can go like days without eating -i used to do this like junior yr when things were like Rly bad but i would starve myself on purpose as a form of self harm/bc i felt like i deserved to be punished for various things/i felt like i didnt deserve to eat - ^and also bc then i was dealing with like Fresh Trauma and had like rly horrible dysphoria bc of it and hated looking like a girl and having ppl look at me and think i looked appealing etc so i wanted to get rid of my figure as much as i could (ok i guess that one is body image related but it was more like i wanted to look less attractive as opposed to the other way around) -my anxiety made/still makes it physically hard to eat bc i would feel sick and my social anxiety made it impossible to eat in public and even in private i could only eat in front of certain people

anyway like two months ago i decided to try and eat more consistently and like……its actually insane how fast i started putting on weight….like by me just starting out trying to eat one meal a day which is!! such a low goal!! but the difference was still like immediate and its crazy…. rn this is the most ive weighed in years and im like starting to get my figure back and its weird to like be ok with that after literal years feeling such intense hatred and like being so intensely uncomfortable with my own body and having others see it but like..i can tell just by looking at myself that i look good and i look so much healthier and its weird to like. allow myself to get better and also to admit that where i was before wasnt healthy like at all…like idk its hard to see how bad things were until u move away from the bad and start to get better…….& thts all i have to say on that fr now

im about to UNLOAD ont tumblr.om abt my nihght thus far omg (ED/BULIMAI TW JUST SO U KNOW NOT ME BUT SOMEONE ELSE)

so i have a huge research paper due for my public policy class on tuesday that ive been trying to start forever but its just rly hard to find good rrelevant esearch and its been fucking me up!!! stressing me out!!! giving me a hard time!!! and my roommate (whom i love i rly do) invited her friend and her friend’s bf (whos literally in high school like bithc what theu fuckkkkk) to party and stay at our place for the night without consulting me or considering the fact tht id be working on this paper........but ok. so the chick comes over and has this huge box of girl scout cookie boxes and literally gives me one and i take it evn tho im dieting rn like FUCK but u know. they go out day drinking and i have peace but i barely get anything done (whats new) nd then they come back after apparently eating this huge dinner with some new chick i dotn even know lmao. so i can hear them from the room over and the girl and her bf are like “hey guys we should puke so we can drink more!!” and i was like um.......... and i know my roommate struggles a lot w neg body image + low self esteem and tries a lot of crazy diets and im like fuck.... so the dude literally goes in our bathroom and starts puking (great) while im listening to the girl teach my roommate and the random how to make themselves puke and im like FUCK i annot listen to this so i walk out for a couple of minutes and i feel guilty and im trying to figure out how to approach my roommate tastefully+get er to not do this. 

SO i come backa dn when i open the door the girl and her bf are awkwardly standing in the living room acting weird and looking guilty as fuck. like when i see them im like “whats up” as u do when u greet someone and they just kinda mumble a weird response and im like ok........ so im walking past the bathroom to get to our bedroom and i see my roommate stuffing a towel under the bathroom door and im like “uh bitch what” and she proceeeds to tell me that the girl and her bf CLOGGED OUR TOILET and its overflowing pukey water all over the bathroom floor......... like bitch...... i really am about to lose it...... and after she tells me this they all literally just take shots and leave to go party again with this mess still in our bathroom. like BITCH. BIIIIIIIICTH. im SO mad.

now shes back and shes sobered up and we had a 1 on 1 roomie talk and shes putting off cleaning it until tomorrow but she feels rly bad and im like ok girl. im not mad at her but i wish the cunt that fucked up my bathroom would fucking clean it lmao!!!!! but i cant fight with her bc of the fucking girl scout cookies!!!!! thanks 4 readng