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bakugohoex · 3 years

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Can you do Jean x reader where they are both undercover at Marley 💕💕💕

part one: “this isn’t a date jean, we’re undercover”

paring: jean kirschtein x female reader

cw: season 4 spoiler but there is no manga spoiler at all, fluff, language

word count: 2600+

a/n: i had to read so much for this fic, but i got the jist of it, again making sure you guys know there is no spoilers for the manga in here and onlt a season four spoiler do if you guys havent watched the latest episodes be warned

summary: in which you and jean are undercover doing reconnaissance in marley, want turns to investigating a local bar leads to feelings finally being brought out from the two of you

part two | part three

↞ back to attack on titan masterlist

The dress you wore covered your thighs and knees, it hugged you, the soft material being a drastic change from your normal attire. It was a warm mid-day, birds chirped and the sound of Marleyans engulphed your ears. In the 6 years in which you had known Jean you hadn’t ever expect an undercover mission taking place in Marley of all places.

He walked with your hand in his own, you smiling softly as you spoke nonchalantly to one another. It was unamusing and more a distraction than anything else. He picked the newspaper up on the stall, paying quickly as he walked back, you followed which felt more like being dragged along by his strong grip.

The way the top of his fedora sat on his now long hair, he heard about the victory of the Marleyans from a passer-by and with his hand in your own he opened the newspaper up. It was reconnaissance, you and him both knew you were supposed to act like one of these people even if they did think of you both as devils.

“I think we should visit that bar that woman told us about, a lot of the men there get drunk and reveal a lot.”

He looked down at you, your hands still connected. He had grown so much in all these years now reaching over 6ft, his long hair and scattered hairs along his chin making gorgeous. He had become the leader both you and Marco knew he would become.

“They’ll all stare at you, why would I want that?” he mutters.

You laugh at his antics, “you’re such an idiot.”

“You’re the one holding my hand.”

“Jean it’s a mission we have to pretend to be together for the performance.”

He raised an eyebrow you had full view of his face; his eyes were tired from the late nights working on the next plan of action. But most importantly, the fact that the two of you had to share a bed. He couldn’t even touch you as your small frame would sometimes push against his chest.

You smiled at the boy getting him out of his trance before skimming through the newspaper again. “We’ll go tonight after the meeting.”

You nod as the two of you walk towards the docks of Liberio. Both you and Jean were in the internment zone, a nice old woman allowing you to stay on top of her shop. Even with her being nice her opinions on titans and those within the walls were a lot cruller than u had expected.

It had been awkward the first time sleeping beside each other, you both looked up. Not facing each other but instead watching as the clock ticked away until one of you fell asleep. You both woke up wrapped in each other’s arms, and an awkwardness had set between you two from that night. You both would try to face away from each other but one way in another you ended up touching each other in some way.

He helped you up the stairs to where the little shop was kept, you both had gained some currency mostly from stealing it, but you never expected to stay here long. Only to find information until the true invasion would begin. Of course, the others were already here in their own recon missions, but you and Jean had been the first ones and had found out the most about this stupid town.

The biggest thing being that they hated Eldians of any type. You both walked through the double doors the woman smiling at how pretty you both looked together.

You had a meeting with the rest of the survey corps, Hange leading it, you got changed into what you’d wear to the bar knowing it was going to be a long night.

Jean stood at the door watching at how you easily took the dress off. You both didn’t care about changing clothes in front of each other, you’d seen worse from each other and it meant nothing after the tortures of titans.

The short dress fitted you perfectly and as Jean eyed you up and down, he craved any touch by you. He had taken the blue tie off and the suit jacket and waistcoat off leaving him in the white button up and trousers.

You smiled at how his hair stuck to the back of his neck, when he had first started growing his hair out you had loved it seeing the boy turn into a man. You both had changed since your cadet days and as much as you missed it you couldn’t say that being an adult didn’t have its perks.

“You know Y/n, I’d definitely accept any date proposals from you.”

You rolled your eyes at him, he always tormented you with the flirting. “Jean you really are a pain in my ass.”

“Such vulgar words from a pretty woman.”

You wanted to stab him with your ODM gear but instead stuck with jabbing him with your knee into his stomach. Normally when he was a lot younger it hurt him easily, but he seemed unfazed by the action almost finding it cute.

“Why did u have to grow so much? Short Jean was better.”

“Are you saying 15-year-old me is better than now me?”

You think back at the boy, bringing your finger to your chin. “Both you and 15-year-old you are pains to be around.”

He moves his face to your ear you could feel the hairs brush against your cheek from his chin as he spoke, “it’s okay Y/n we both know how you really feel.”

Rolling your eyes, he grabbed your hand almost out of instinct, you both leaving the shop as quickly as you came. Turning the many corners that Hange had told you to take after each different meeting.

The amount of walks you both went on should be unnecessary but the people of Liberio barely batted an eyelash at the two on you.

The dress was low cut and having all these new clothes made your heart warm up. You hadn’t worn different clothes in years, always the same uniform which you grew to dislike.

“Hange really sent us on a fucking expedition.” You mutter as you lean against Jean’s side.

He leads the way walking towards an unknown battered up building. It looked like it was being constructed and you were met with the scouts.

They eyed you both up your outfits standing out. “running late per usual.” Levi mutters.

As much as you had grown on Captain Levi, he still had a discomfort towards most of you. Both Jean and you let go of hands with ease standing beside each other. Before the meeting begun mostly talking about what had occurred and most significantly the defeat of Marleyans against the Mid-East.

“You know what that means, sometime soon is our time to act.” You professed, the new knowledge coming as a relief as it would soon be time for your plan to truly occur.

Armin and Mikasa spoke, the whereabouts of Eren being unknown due to his consistent disappearances. Watching these people grow you truly understood the mutual torment you all felt. As you were all dismissed all you could think about was the consistent opposition you all faced.

“I think the bars down here.” Jean retakes your hand as you smiled at him.

“Once this is over what do you think will happen.” You ask him softly.

“I don’t know.”

“Remember when we first met, and you were adamant on becoming an MP.” He listened raising an eyebrow. “Look at you now Mr Commanding Officer.”

You were proud of your friend he had worked hard to achieve this status. “You really are proud of me aren’t yah.”

You rolled your eyes gently hitting his side. “I’m telling the truth I’m proud of you.”

You had been timid in your choice of words you were proud, and he knew you were proud of him. Walking into the bar, the significant smell of alcohol mixed with sweat made you grossed out.

It was a rule to not drink under the survey corps and you hadn’t really cared for drinking. So, the sight of so many drunk people drove you mad, how easily a night of drinking could lead to a failed future.

Jean pulled out a chair for you before going to the bar, “I’ll get your favourite.”

You nodded playing with your fingers trying to listen in on the conversations that were occurring. Many Marleyans chatting shit about the Eldians and most specifically those of paradise island.

Your fist clenched as Jean brought two drinks out. “What is it?” You question looking at the red drink in front of you.

“You told me you liken cranberry juice once, i got you some”.

Your eyes widened at the boy, “Jean i said that like years ago.”

“Shows you how much i do care about you.” You rolled your eyes sipping on the drink. You both conversed but remained consistent with your spying on individuals.

“Those guys are talking about you.” Jean coughed out sipping his drink.

“I should go up to them i might get some information.”

“Don’t.” You raise an eyebrow going up to his ear. “They might steal you away.”

“This isn’t a date Jean, we’re undercover.” The way you spoke his name made him melt, he wanted to hear more of your voice specifically moaning his name out.

You stood up ready to go speak to them before you heard something come from their mouths. “If i ever saw one of those island folks I’d slit their throats and make their kids watch.”

You felt sick to the stomach by the comment and wanted to leave. Jean hadn’t heard it and as you stood frozen, he called out your name.

“Let’s get u outside.” He whispers taking your hand as you silently followed. “Are you okay?”

You nod, “I guess it just hit me we’re hated here the way the act towards us is the way we used to act against titans.”

You felt his arms wrap around you. He knew you hadn’t spoken much about the comments and that now you hit the realisation you’d confide in him more.

“I want to go back to the shop.” He nods as a comfortable silence settled in.

You cling to his arm wrapping your hands around his own. He loved the way you cling onto him like he was your protector, and you were his queen.

Walking down a long alleyway, you see some Marley men smoking and drinking. They’d be easy targets if you wanted to kill them, hearing them speak and whistle as you both walked past. Before one of them grabbing your wrist made Jean’s instincts kick in.

He punched the guy who had touched you, his filthy hands still lingering close to your body. The way Jean with ease was able to put down the two men who looked bruised and battered.

He put his hand out for you to take, he didn’t speak. Just bringing you the comfort you needed from this whole new world experience. Everything was so much bigger outside the walls and you couldn’t ever imagine putting innocent people in walls to keep them trapped.

The events of the night led to an uncomfortable silence once you arrived back to little room on top of the shop. He stripped his shirt off due to the excessive dirt it had got on it. You admired his body, the way each muscle sat perfectly on his abdomen.

You sat on the bed fidgeting with your clothes, you played with the hem of the dress which Jean could see your upper thigh from you doing.“Do you want to talk more about it?”

“I just… i guess it’s the reality.” You muttered as Jean sat beside you his shirt off. Titans seemed less scary than any of these indoctrinated Marleyans any day.

In the years Jean had known you seeing you vulnerable and passive made his heart ache. He took you by the hand letting you attach yourself to his side.

You were scared about the upcoming invasion and even worse you didn’t even know who you’d be fighting. The uncertain of it all being too much.

He walked up to you, moving closer to your smaller frame. “You didn’t have to punch those guys, I...I would’ve said something.”

“Y/n, you’ve been silent all night, you expect me to believe that you would’ve done something.” He bends down his knees touching the ground as he kneeled in front of you. His hands moving to your own stopping you from playing with your dress anymore.

Bringing your hands up to his mouth he kissed it as you could see some bruises, you stroked your thumb against the bruises hopefully it would settle down with some ice later. “What you said back in the bar?” You start to speak but you really had nothing to say, “about not going to those men.”

“I didn’t want you to get hurt if you talked to them and…” He trailed off.

“And?” You question.

He looked up at your bright face filled with love and happiness something he hadn’t seen in a very long time. “And you bring joy, in a shitty world like this I guess you’re the only one who truly brings a smile on my face.”

“Jean when did you get so sappy.” You giggle at his flustered look.

“Oh, shut up.”

“Make me.” The tone in your voice was begging him to take you.

He rolls his eyes, his tongue flicking against the inside of his mouth as he stood up looking at you. He was even taller than before. You were a mouse compared to his frame; he bent his back bringing his face closer towards yours before a hand was placed on your cheek.

He closed the gap between the two of you, making your back hit the bed. His other hand moved to your side as he was on kissing you whilst he was on top. Your back arched at the movements wanting to feel his body on your own, as you deepened the kiss. Your hands in his long hair pulling his body closer to your own, as you felt the hardness come from his trousers.

“This was your plan all along, wasn’t its baby.” He spoke stoically a cocky grin plastered to his face.

You smirked as he let go of your lips, moving his mouth to your neck as he moved your dress down your body, with your collarbone and neck revealed for him. He left marks and sucked on spots making you moan his name loudly.

“I’d…I… would n…never.” The moans engulphed you, you craved him even more.

He had never expected to hear you moan his name, and the sound of it, with you underneath fuelled him even more to continue the act. You closed your eyes as he bit and sucked on your collar before licking the side of your neck. The saltiness it brought making him lick his lips before he went back to kissing you.

The kiss was deeper, quicker than it previously had been, you placed your hands on his exposed chest. The way a single touch from you sent shivers down his spine, “I’ve always like you, y’know.”

“I assumed so.” You giggled, his body was on top of you trapping you between his broad arms and shoulders. It was a sight and you loved it.

You brought yourself up leaning up with your elbows, your dress was half off you and the way he looked at you knew that what would happen tonight had been long awaited from many many years ago.

proceed to part two here

i’d really appreciate if you guys could leave a like, reblog or comment, thanks x

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@samusimp @alaina-rose13 @crispychannie @underratedmage @jennammaee @cathy8taffy @sugacious @moonlightaangel

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jawnjendes · 5 years

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the truth hurts but secrets kill | shawn mendes

chapter 8/?, university au, shawn x goth oc

AN: lol the taglist didnt work on my last chapter so if you havent read but i’ll show you my teeth pls do eet. anyways this chapter is an angsty buildup full of angst. my specialty.

***let me know if you wanna be added/removed from the taglist

masterlist | playlist coming soon

"Where do you live?" Annalise asked for what felt like the thousandth time.

"Do you even think she's capable of answering?" Patrick said, his arm supporting Alessia's waist as he helped her stumble down the university road.

The Lyft to campus went without any major issue. Alessia did not puke in the car, she merely leaned against the door in the backseat. Annalise had gotten annoyingly chatty with the driver, talking about childhood trauma and the inevitability of death. She claimed it was practice for when she's a real therapist, though the driver was trying to focus on the road. Patrick left the driver a generous tip through the app.

The three of them were left just close enough to the dorms, but there was still a walk to be had, and it felt like it was taking centuries with how much Alessia slowed them down. Annalise kept looking around at the dark surroundings as they paced with her pocket knife in hand. Alessia mumbled something incoherent, her head lolling from side to side.

"I've never heard of that building, where is it?" Annalise asked her.

"Dude, you're gonna have to take her back to your place," Patrick told her. "I don't even think she knows her own name."

With a reluctant sigh, Annalise closed her pocket knife and wrapped her arm around the smaller girl's waist. They were approaching the corner where she and Patrick would typically part ways. Alessia noticed the shift and leaned all her weight into Annalise, mumbling under her rancid breath. It wasn't her first time babysitting a drunk toddler, but that doesn't mean she likes doing it.

Patrick was kind enough to walk the two girls up to Annalise's dorm. Alessia was swaying ominously in the elevator, like she wanted to be cradled like a baby. She was definitely ready for bed.

"Ya casi, mi vida," Annalise said as they stumbled down the third floor corridor.

"Why do you call her that?" Patrick asked. "’Me veeda.’ Isn't that what you would call your boyfriend?"

"It's the same thing as a waitress would call you sweetie or something," she replied. "Or the way you'd talk to a toddler. A drunk one."

She managed to pull her key from her back pocket and give it to Patrick. He unlocked the appropriate door, and the three of them were met with more people and more loud music.

Apparently, Stella hadn't planned on staying alone this Saturday night. She was on the armchair, with Camila squished in right next to her. They weren't alone, either. Shawn and Brian were on the couch, each holding a beer. All four of them stared at the two goths holding the short normie up on two feet.

"Oh my god, you're right on time!" Stella exclaimed. "Shawn's working on an EP! He's giving a us a preview! And he made another duet with Camila!"

"Este guey se puso peda," Annalise said with mild snark, gesturing to the girl on her arm. "I'm gonna put her down."

"You're gonna kill her?" Patrick asked, his blue eyes wide. "Damn, I didn't know you hated her that much!"

"Shut up, I brought her here, didn't I?"

She did not look at the guests on the couch as she carefully led Alessia to her bedroom. She ignored Patrick starting up a conversation with everyone. She had things to do, and it was hard enough with her fluffy mind racing.

"There we go, my dear," she said as she sat the intoxicated girl on the bed. "Acuestate, mija. Tomorrow's gonna suck, but you can rest now."

She patted Alessia's head before moving to take off her sneakers. Then, Annalise took her phone from her jacket pocket and plugged it into the charger on then nightstand. Before she could sigh in relief that they all made it back alive, she heard a voice at the door.

"Hey, you."

When Annalise turned to face him, it was like a million fireworks went off at once. Her entire body froze in the best way, and the air in her lungs was knocked out of her. He's even prettier in person.

"Someone have too much fun?" he asked, nodding towards the now sleeping Alessia.

Annalise could not tear her eyes away from his face long enough to think of an answer. All she wanted to do was stare at him for the rest of eternity.

Then, Patrick came up from behind Shawn, an amused grin on his face. "Bro, she's high as a kite right now."

Shawn looked confused for a moment and then turned to him. "Ann doesn't smoke."

"She used to all the fucking time last year." Patrick was still grinning. "She wanted to have fun tonight, so I gave her a hit of my pen."

"So you drugged her up, eh?"

"Bro-"

"I'm not your bro. Don't you care about her health at all? Don't you remember she was in the hospital a couple of months ago?"

The grin faded. "I care about her and her freedom. Not that I have to explain that to you." Patrick excused himself.

Annalise heard every word, but her wide eyes were still on Shawn. She was stepping towards him before she even realized, and then her arms were going around his middle. He was still warm and soft and he smelled good. It was like personified crack. Annalise smiled as her head rested on his chest. "I love you, my baby."

Shawn hesitated, but he hugged her back. "Love you too." Then he pulled back, his hands on her shoulders. "Where are you gonna sleep?"

"The couch." Annalise's fingers were gripping the back of his t-shirt.

"You sure? Wouldn't you rather come stay with me? I'm leaving soon anyway."

Annalise giggled so much her voice squeaked. But she frowned almost instantly. "Don't be like Chad."

"Who's Chad?"

"No one important. I think sober Annalise is gonna be mad at you."

"What? Why?"

She pointed to the sleeping girl on the bed. "That one told high Annalise some things. Sober Annalise might not even remember, but if she does, she'll probably talk to you on check in day. Like, actual talking this time."

"Why can't we talk now?" Shawn asked. "I think high-you will be more understanding than sober-you."

"High Annalise is stupidly in love with you. We'll get nowhere, my dear."

He chewed the inside of his cheek as he gazed down at her. "Yeah, you always call me cute names when you're on drugs. Like that time in the hospital. And all those times you got high with me. Oh wait…" he trailed off. "Every time I asked you to smoke with me you said you didn't trust me enough. But tonight you trusted somebody else, eh?"

She giggled. "I knew you'd be mad at me too. We have much to talk about, baby boy."

In theory, the reason for Alessia's disappearance the following morning would be that she remembered the tea she spilled upon waking up and now she wanted to avoid the wrath of the goth girlfriend. In reality, she wouldn't be entirely wrong.

Even after sleeping for twelve hours, Annalise couldn't get those bits of forbidden information out of her head. She had dreams about catching Shawn and Alessia having really loud sex, but she woke up to hear her roommate doing exactly that. Then, she had a recurring dream of Shawn admitting to cheating on her, except this time he had twelve versions of Henry the orange tabby surrounding him. The last dream she remembered having was one where she ended up back in the hospital, and that she was given no anesthesia for her surgery. She had her stomach removed, and she watched every drop of blood and guts come out of the gaping hole in her body.

She woke with a start after every one of these vivid dreams. Maybe it was the after effects of being stoned, but she felt uneasy for that whole day. She typically binged to her heart's content, but the hospital dream was still on her mind. She allowed herself to have a Lunchables, but not much else.

Then, Monday rolled around and Annalise found it difficult to act like a person. She got out of bed, had an unsatisfying breakfast. She did it, and that's the only thing that matters right? Screw all the other feelings. The paranoia she felt after the Abnormal Psych lecture about eating disorders doesn't matter. The impending embarrassing discomfort from sitting alone at a table in Bio Lab doesn't matter either. Who cares about the sad ache in her chest after seeing Shawn and Alessia leave their class together? Who cares if they're still in high spirits even though they knew that Annalise knew? Who cares?

Annalise doesn't, that's for damn sure. She was perfectly fine. She pushed herself out of bed today even though she wanted nothing more than to induce a coma on herself. Who cares if she still felt shitty after?

Although, she was putting off the impending chat with Shawn until check in on Saturday. He had to know it was coming, why else would he just stop texting her?

Unless he's already with Alessia, and therefore playing me like a violin. Maybe Shawn was just ignoring me to make me go crazy.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Annalise whispered as she put on her headphones. She was glad she caught herself slipping, she didn't want the wide-eyed crazies on display as she walked out of the Social Studies building.

Her steps were slower and more careful as she picked a song to play from her phone. After settling for Halsey, she pulled out her black, round sunglasses and put them on. Gotta hide them nightmare eyes.

Maybe… perhaps… I need to check in earlier than normal?

"Don't be stupid," she told herself.

It wouldn't hurt though, would it? Maybe he would be happy to see me since I would be breaking my own rule. Unless, of course, he's hanging around Alessia again. Perhaps he doesn't care anymore.

The only solution Annalise had was to dump herself on the couch in the dorm and play Tetris 99 until the thoughts and feelings sorted themselves out.

When Stella came home, she knew the drill. She sat on the couch and ranted about her day. She rambled on about her fascist history professor and the lack of a GSA club on campus. Then, she mentioned a Halloween party coming up at one of the frat houses, and that she needed a hot costume.

It was the month where Annalise and all her spooky darkness was socially acceptable, and she couldn't even be excited about it. A different type of darkness was taking over, and it was stupid that it was over a boy. Why did she have to be so dramatic? Why was she so goddamn crazy?

"I'll pick your costume," she said over Stella's rambling.

She paused, her brilliant hazel eyes wide. To say she was surprised that Annalise cracked so fast would be an understatement. But she smiled. "Would you? Ooo, can I pick yours?"

"Ah, I don't think I'm gonna do anything for Halloween this year."

"What? But it's your favorite holiday! You need to come to this party with me! Buddy system, remember?"

"Is that the only reason-"

"Of course not, you dummy! We haven't spent enough time together since the semester started! Let's go find some costumes, yeah? I'll even let you dress me up as scary as you want!"

Stella's a good friend. Annalise should really try harder to spend time with her. Why didn't she try to be a good friend in return?

They went to the local costume store that Friday. It gave Annalise a wonderful excuse to not go to the gaming club meeting. She really did not want to reflect on the Bart adventure, or see just how bad she fucked up Chad's nose.

After returning to campus with a dark but still cute witch costume, Stella was summoned to Camila's dorm. She thanked Annalise for the lovely costume choice and practically abandoned her. Annalise couldn't find it in her to really care. It was only a few more hours until Saturday.

She had barely settled herself on the couch when her phone buzzed. For the first time this week, Shawn had texted her. Annalise held her phone up, staring blankly at the screen. Her heart should be pounding right now, shouldn't it?

"Hey, I know check in is tomorrow but I can't make it at our usual time. I have a gig tomorrow night. You should come and we can talk after."

The next text was the address to the lounge he would be performing at.

Any other time, Annalise would have been happy to know Shawn was performing again. But he cancelled on her, knowing that he was in trouble. Is that what it took for him to start booking shows again? Was this just an elaborate way to avoid Annalise? Perhaps this was just some form of reverse psychology so she wouldn't go to the gig.

You can't psych out a psychology major. Of course Annalise was going to this gig.

However, she had a mostly sleepless night, really unable to shake the fact that Shawn was probably avoiding her. When she finally did sleep, she slept too much. Annalise woke up in the afternoon and was late for work. She had planned to ask if she could leave early, but she didn't dare try anything now. The gig was at eight, when her shift ended. She ended up going to the lounge in her work uniform, a button up with the dealership name on, and baggy slacks. Not exactly the sexy outfit she had planned during the late hours of insomnia.

The show had already started by the time she got there. As she was showing her ID to the bouncer, she heard Shawn's voice over the mic, and she felt something for the first time in days. Her stomach felt tight as she slowly stepped into the lounge.

The turnout was decent. Every single table and bar stool was occupied, and all eyes were on the band performing on the stage. Annalise looked around for any empty space; She wasn't dressed her best but she did want to be anywhere but against the wall opposite the stage. Her eyes spotted the group of people standing directly in front of the stage.

It was the normal group of girls who swooned every time Shawn blinked, but there were also three other girls that Annalise knew all too well. They were jumping and singing along to Lost in Japan, not a single care in the world. Annalise wondered why Stella didn't tell her that she was going to this event, but the way she looked at Camila as they sang to each other said enough. Maybe they chose Alessia to be their new third wheel too. So Alessia was too embarrassed to face Annalise, but not Shawn?

Annalise always stood in the back of every one of Shawn's shows, knowing she would stick out like a sore thumb in the midst of the usual fangirls. Not that that's a bad thing, it just wasn't her usual place to be. She figured that showing up at all would be enough.

Perhaps Shawn already had enough. Three of his friends were already cheering him on, and surely he had more of them scattered in the audience. Not to mention, the people here that didn't know him were going to adore him by the end of the night. Besides, Shawn most likely invited her as a ploy to get her to turn it down. She wasn't needed here. Annalise chewed the inside of her lip as she back up towards the exit. She stepped outside, away from the people trying to get in, and she pulled her phone out. She composed a new text:

"Hey, I'm drowning in work so I won't make it to your show. I'll meet you at your place later so we can talk🖤"

_______

taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @1-800-khalid-mendussy @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @poppyshawn @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @ruinhoney @someoneunimportantxx @calyumthomas @yourdeflightfullyleft @havethetimeeofyourlifee @shawmndes @wronglanemendes @chillingbythesea

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x goth gf #yaint ready for the next chapter lol #im not even ready #it was so draining to write omg

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cloudyhyunjin · 5 years

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Therapy Pt.5

Guilt is a dangerous feeling, but that would never stop you from feeling it

Genre: Angst, Fluff(??)

Word Count: 3.0k

Song: Saturday Nights-Khalid

A/N: A link to my masterlist because i havent updated this fic in forever

Thank you for waiting for me

You sat on the couch in Woojin’s arms. The movie on the tv playing through the ending credits. Woojin had been asleep since about thirty minutes into your current session of binge watching Disney movies. You stared at the tv and tried to read all of the names and jobs, doing anything to keep your mind distracted. The guilt was overwhelming you. It was eating you up inside and you didn’t know what to do about it. You thought that after eight months you would be over him. You hoped at after a painful year without him that you would be over it, but you weren’t. You mind constantly flashed back to the way he link his arm with yours as you walked down the cold January streets, or the way he would smile at you when he knew you had a bad day. How you saw only saw Chan’s eyes every time you looked into Woojin’s. He didn’t deserve this. Woojin didn’t deserve any of this.

He shouldn’t have to wake you up from nightmares in which Chan is slipping though your fingers like sand. He shouldn’t have to hold you and console you when you’re crying about another man. He shouldn’t have to take a different path to get the river when walking with you just so that you didn’t walk past the coffee shop that tore you apart inside. Every thought in your head was that you shouldn’t be putting him through all of this. Especially because he put up with all of it. He woke you up from nightmares, and he held you through all of your tears. He spent days walking to and from the river by himself just so that he could find the shortest path with the least amount of people and the best sights. You didn’t deserve this. The love from him that you had grown so accustomed to felt sad. You felt like you were taking advantage of him.

You shifted your gaze from the tv to his face only to find him awake. Your eyes met and he held the contact for a few moments before smiling and opening his mouth to speak to you.

“How long have you been thinking?” He asked, you felt bad that he knew you inside and out. That he could look at you and just know that your brain was running laps around one issue. And although he didn’t mention it, it was obvious that he knew what you were thinking about. You snuggled closer into his embrace and turned your head to look back at the tv.

“Since you fell asleep.”

“I don’t know how such a small brain has so much time to think.” Woojin teased. You turned back to look at him and flicked his thigh with your right hand. He threw his head back and laughed at your action. He only laughed for a few seconds but god, it felt like an eternity. Even if you felt like you didn’t deserve him, you would never get sick of him. The way he laughed wholeheartedly at anything he found funny. The flowers that he brought you almost every day. How he would bring you a hot chocolate during his lunch break when you were at home. You thought that his generosity would wear off when you first started the relationship. That eventually he would stop caring as much as he did. He would stop holding you when you cried, or he would get tired of you talking about your past two relationships. He would get sick of hearing the names Jae and Chan roll of your lips every few weeks. You feared that eventually he would make you choose like they did, but he didn’t. “I’m just kidding, everyone knows that you’re the brains in this relationship.” Woojin shifted his position on the couch so that he could wrap both of his arms around your waist and move his head into your shoulder.

“Sir, you can remember how to make every single item on the menu at the shop just off the top of your head and there’s like, fifty different drinks. I think you’re the smart one here.” He chuckled lightly at your comment and moved his head to rest by your neck. You placed your left hand on his head and ran your fingers gently through his hair. “Alright you’re getting too cuddly, it’s bedtime.” You joked and tried to move from his embrace to go to your shared bedroom but he just squeezed you tighter so you couldn’t leave your warm spot on the couch.

“No,” he mumbled and pulled the blanket over the two of you. “Let’s just stay here tonight.” You smiled at his tired form and adjusted yourself so that you were closer to him.

“Okay.” You whispered, barely audible. You fell asleep that night without Chan on your mind.

You were walking to the coffee shop. It didn’t make sense but you were. One foot in front of the other moving you quickly and painfully closer to your destination. You had your first fight with Woojin, it was over something so small and stupid that you couldn’t even remember what it was about anymore. The only thing that you could remember was his blank expression, it shook you to the core thinking about his face. He looked so much like Jae when he was mad. It was late, you didn’t remember what time the shop closed anymore but you had a feeling that it was too late. Everything was always too late of too early, it was never the right time.

Jae was too late. Waiting three or four or five hours or two days sitting in the house hoping he would just come home. Cold cups of coffee sitting in the kitchen that you had made in the morning for him but were still sitting there untouched by the time you had gotten back from work at 5 pm. Dinner dates with your parents that had to be cancelled because he didn’t come home from “work” on time.

Chan was too early. He came before you had a chance to fall out of love. Before you could decide if love was really worth it. He felt like waking up at five am even though your alarm didn’t go off for another hour but staying up anyways because it gave you extra time to get yourself ready. Getting to the shop ten minutes before his break started but sitting in the corner of the dimly lit coffee shop because you would’ve waited a thousand years for him to be ready. Too early to realize that everything you had ever wanted was standing right in front of you.

Woojin was the only person that was there for you right on time, as if the universe knew that you needed him. Getting off of work the same time as you. Flowers being delivered at the end of your day just as the bouquet that he bought you three days ago had started wilting. Arriving at his shop during your lunch break just as he was walking out from behind the counter with two full mugs of hot chocolate, one for each of you. Waking you up from nightmares right before they get to the bad part. Unconditional love to help you heal exactly when you needed it most.

Maybe that was why you ran when, for once, the timing felt off.

The white sign on the outside of the coffee shop hadn’t been flipped over to say “Closed” yet, so you walked in. The smell and look of everything creating a flood of bad memories. It felt like the downpour in your head wouldn’t ever stop once you saw him. He was washing tables, specifically the booth that the two of you had always shared.

“I know the sign on the door says we aren’t closed but we actually close at-” He stopped washing the tables to turn around and look at you, the black rag dropping from his hand and his sentence being cut short when you made eye contact. It didn’t feel right to be here.

“I was really hoping you weren’t closed.” You said and played with the ends of your jacket, the same one he gave to you that night by the river. He smiled slightly and leaned down to pick up the rag off the floor.

“We closed ten minutes ago but you can stay.” He examined your face for a few seconds before speaking again, “You look like you need it right now.”

Chan walked to the table with two mugs of hot chocolate. It was a different table than the one you used to sit at. He sat down across from you at the unwashed table and placed a cup in front of you. You grabbed the warm mug and pulled it immediately to your lips It didn’t taste the same as Woojin’s hot chocolate. It was all sweet, too simple to be anything more than a way to warm yourself up, but you enjoyed the warmth it gave you for now. You sat in silence for a few minutes, quietly sipping your drinks before he spoke up.

“So what happened?” He questioned, he always asked but never pried. You enjoyed that feature about him. Your current boyfriend would ask and ask and ask again to get you to tell him things so that he could try to solve them, you still appreciated it though. You tried your hardest to push down your comparisons before speaking but it didn’t work.

“Woojin and I got into a fight,” Chan’s attitude visibly changed when you mentioned the name. As bad at it was, he hoped that the next time he the two of you met you wouldn’t be with him anymore. One can only dream. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

“Why didn’t you just go home?” He asked, he knew the answer when he saw you look down and remove your hands from the table. A quiet ‘oh’ left his mouth when the realization hit him. “How long have you... you know, been living together?”

“About four months.” You moved your hand back up to grasp the hot cup, the heat hurt a little bit but you didn’t pull away. You needed the distraction. “I moved in pretty quickly. I don’t know why but I did.” You tried to come up with an explanation for him but you couldn’t.

“You moved on quickly,” Chan blurted out. Your eyes snapping up to him as the words left his mouth. “You moved in with him because you moved on and because you fell in love with someone else. Listen that’s fine and everything and I’m not mad but I was hoping-”

“What exactly were you hoping for Chan?” You snapped at him, “Were you hoping that I would come to my senses and leave Jae for you? Were you hoping that I would keep sitting in my room and texting and calling you for hours on end waiting and begging for you to reply? Waiting for you to give me a chance to show you that I loved you more than anything in the entire fucking world? God, you really never knew me if you think I could’ve moved on from you. Ever.” You were out of breath by the time you finished talking. Your throat and brain hurt after your confession. It was his turn to look down shyly.

“You told me that you didn’t love me.” He picked at the skin by him thumbs. It was a habit that he picked up from you and never bothered to drop.

“I was never good with words.” You picked up your mug and took a sip. “So any new developments in your life?” You try changing the subject as quickly as possible. Chan moved around uncomfortably in his chair and picked up his drink to take a sip.

“Um yeah, actually.” He speaks quietly from behind his mug. “I.. I um.. I have a girlfriend now.” His voice so quiet and unsure that you almost don’t hear him, in the back of your head you know that was the intention. He was trying to soften the blow. It didn’t help.

“How long?” You swirl the remainder of your hot chocolate in your mug, determined not to make eye contact.

“Just a few months. I don’t know if it’s that serious yet but she’s cool, and she has a cat named butterscotch.” Your mind flashes back to your first time meeting Woojin when he says those words, butterscotch lattes in a new coffee shop sounds like a nice thing to remember right now. ��I don’t know if I could ever love her thought.” He adds.

“And why’s that, Chan?” He missed hearing you say his name so softly. He thinks long and hard before answering.

“She’s not you.” He chuckles. You open your mouth to say something back but he stops you with more words. An explanation you couldn’t give him. “I can’t look at her without seeing you. I can’t look at anyone without something about them reminding me of you. Working here doesn’t feel the same. Hot chocolate doesn’t taste right. Flowers don’t smell the same. Everything’s... different” Chan keeps talking but you aren’t listening until he reached across the table and puts a hand over yours. “Hey can you look at me?”

“No,” the words come so quietly from your mouth that it shocks even you. “I don’t think I’ll be able to look at you right now with out falling in love again.” Your voice is shaky and you feel like crying. Why did you always have to cry around him?

“Well then look at me, and if you fall in love again you can make a choice.” More choices, you were plagued with them. The thought bounced around in your head for a few seconds, wondering if you should risk it. Ultimately before your brain can make a decision you take a chance. You move your head in his direction before you moved your eyes. He looked different than he did before. He looks like he’s lost a little weight, his cheeks don’t hold the softness that you remember. His eyes are a little less bright and the bags underneath them look a little less sunken in. But he still feels like the man you fell in love with. “So,” He starts “How do I look?” He smiles. And you smile back at him. The timing of the situation never having felt more perfect.

You walk back into the apartment a little bit after one am. Woojin was still up and sitting at the kitchen island, his finger running mindless circles around the rim of his coffee mug. He looks up and smiles when he sees you, not an ounce of sadness in his expression. Every part of him radiating joy at the fact that you just stepped through the door. He stands up quickly and walks over to give you a hug. You return the action without second thought and start crying at the contact.

“Hey, sweetheart.” He pulls back a bit and puts your head in his hands, your arms stay wrapped around his waist and he wipes the tears off your face with his thumbs. “Whats wrong? I’m not mad at you if that’s what your worried about. I’m sorry that I got so upset over nothing.”

“I’m not mad either.” You confess. A heavy silence hangs in the air as you try to think of your next words. Of how you should break it to him. “While I was out... I um.. I went...” Your words trail off, the action of telling him feeling so much worse than the thought.

“I know baby,” Your smile becomes sad as he speaks. “I went out to look for you when you left and I just so happen to be such a great boyfriend, that I knew exactly where to look for you.” He laughs but you only feel sad. He knew you would run to Chan, it broke your heart. You really didn’t deserve him. “I’m not mad I get it.”

“Why aren’t you mad?” Woojin’s face looks confused by your question. “I got into one argument with you after all of these months of you treating my like I’m the only person in the world and I run back to someone that broke my heart. You should be mad. You should be screaming at me and breaking up with me right now as we speak.” You remove your hands from his waist so that you can pull his hands away from your face. Woojin keeps his hands in the same spot even with your efforts. He smiles at you again. A smile that would truly be the death of you.

“Because I love you.” He explains simply. He says it like its so obvious and you feel stupid for ever doubting him. He’s told you that he loves you a million times before this moment, but somehow it holds more meaning this time. So much meaning that it makes you want to cry. “I love you so much more than anything in the world. More than hot chocolate, and sunsets, and singing, and Lion King. I know that this isn’t easy for you and I’m okay with that. I understand that loving you is so much more than having you. All I want is for you to be happy, even if it isn’t with me. If you decide that your happiness is found in someone else then I’m fine with that. If you love something let it go right baby?” You start crying again for the third time that night.

“I don’t deserve you.” You blurt out and bury your face into his neck.

“You deserve the whole world Y/n.” He rubs soft soothing circles on your back. “And if one day, your indecisive ass makes a choice, I’ll be okay with whatever you choose.” You laugh at his comment and pull back from him to wipe your eyes, Woojin’s hands still placed comfortably on your back.

Woojin went to bed earlier than you did that night, he understood that you needed some time alone to think things over. You crawled into bed with him about an hour later for what he assumed to be the last time. You had made your decision, and he was well aware.

#stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids fanfiction #woojin angst #woojin fluff #chan angst #stray kids imagine #stray kids imagines #therapy

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pavlovers · 6 years

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@britneyshakespeare tagged me to do this like a week ago ajbfjfk sorry im just getting to it diana (although it is kinda funny bc now im sort of in ur position that u described in ur post since im pretty sure ive been tagged to do this before but its been several months so why not do it again u kno!! )

five things you'll find in my bag:

(i dont normally carry around one in my day to day life but if im going to some all day event or something then i'll probably have the following: )

a couple of pens. maybe a small notepad if i feel like it.

earbuds ajdnjc not 2 be ur stereotypical 2010s antisocial teen but yeah im kinda never not listening to music if im bored when im out and about

some money. usually never more than $50 though

um. idk my phone? actually no im probably holding it so i guess my phone charger.

whatever book i happen to be reading which i probably won't have the chance to read at all when im out

five things you'll find in my bedroom:

a small white fan

blank pink walls. mostly bc my dad complains about wall decorations/posters and what not ruining the paint so i was never allowed to really put anything up. they're pink bc thats what my favorite color was when i was four years old and they've never been repainted so.

a silver medal i won for taking this national spanish exam and placing like in the 88th percentile of all like. spanish taking students i guess idk i still don't know what that's supposed to mean but great for me i guess.

stacks of blank notebooks and school supplies that i go to if i run out during the school year

a lot of dirty clothes just kinda like. strewn everywhere

five things that make me happy:

discovering some really fucking good music. like not to be a sap but u know there's just nothing like pressing play and hearing the most piercing instantly hooky guitar riff of your life. or hearing some opening chords so haunting it feels like they're resonating and rattling around in ur rib cage. or hearing a bass line so fantastic you just want to get up and move yknow. it's just one of those unique feelings of euphoria i guess.

dancing. i did a lot of it recently at my cousins wedding and no im not Good at it whatsoever but it's just one of those plainly fun and liberating activities. like it's just. kinda impossible to feel awful while doing it.

my uncle’s dog milly who is just,, so small and beautiful and friendly i love her

cold fucking air. i mean learned to appreciate it more so when i was in sweltering 108°F southern california heat but it’s still a mood elevator in connecticut’s humid 83°F when you dont have air conditioning

having animated conversations with friends, or with anyone really

five things that i’m currently into:

watching like. a lot of queer eye ajnfdv

listening to sad mitski songs

messing around w spotify premium now that i finally redeemed my 60 day free trial thing that they gave me for my birthday which was like 9 months ago but yknow

also binge watching clips of whose line is it anyways that happen to be on youtube

uhh because i literally do nothing at all and cant think of a 5th thing sleeping. like a good amount more than i usually do probably due to a combination of jet lag and depression

five things on my to-do list:

finish reading the hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy i literally havent touched it since my flight to los angeles like 3 weeks ago

pay for my uconn ece courses im taking next year so ya girl can get that college credit

start like. actuallly doing the summer course work that i have

possibly apply for a job?? ive been thinking about it since im actually old enough now and like. obviously it’d give me something to do other than just stay in and sleep all the time

idk.. fucking go outside for once

im feeling kinda lazy right now to tag anyone specifically but if of course if any of u care to do this go right on ahead

#tag thing

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fall-out-of-formation · 7 years

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can i ask for any and all of the numbers that you havent done? because tumblr rules are made to be bent and i want to ask as many as i damn well please thank you bye

Hey, bean. I wanted to let you know that the tags that you put on my selfie caused me to make some weird pterodactyl noise and it scared my cat. And I just spelled pterodactyl correctly on the first try for some reason? Oh, and the lighting was from my grandma’s bathroom.

Woah. I wasn’t necessarily expecting this. But I like challenges, so imma do it. I wonder how personal and detailed I should make this? (Also I appreciate so much that you care about what I have to say? Like, holy shit.)

1. Any scars? Yes. Both kneecaps: I lost control of my scooter and ended up sliding down a hill on my freaking knees. I have a weird scar on my chest from when a kitten got mad at me while I was holding her. Four areas on my legs have scars as well. See question 2.

2. Self harmed? It’s like, the amount of time that goes by doesn’t matter. I see so many tumblr friends celebrating their milestones, and I’m so happy for them, but I feel sad for me. I went three years without doing it once. But it always comes back to me in moments of panic.

3. Crush? His name is Hunter and he’s an idiot. New ship: #Charter

4. Kissed anyone? A couple meaningless kisses in my youth, and then I experienced adult stuff with someone I love with all my being.

5. Coke or Pepsi? It depends on my mood, and I don’t understand how people always love one and hate the other. They’re both good, in my opinion. They have their subtle differences, both are good sodas.

6. Someone you hate? I’ve had it with the Kardashians, man. And the obvious: Trump.

8. Have you ever done alcohol or drugs? Affirmative, but not going to go into detail on this post because I’ve got some younger mutuals that might take a peek at this and I don’t want them to judge me 310. Ever been in love? #Charter.

11. Last time you cried? Last week. I was freaking out because I was all by myself for way too long.

14. Birthday? September 20!

19. If you had one wish, what would it be? A way to contact lost loved ones. I wanna call my uncle so bad, just to see how he is.

20. Do you love someone? I love a lot of people. But it’s still a strong love.

21. Kiss or hug? I love both, why do I have to choose :(

24. Favorite band? August Burns Red, The Devil Wears Prada, Twenty one Pilots, Lord Huron.

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you? April 7th, 2011. My momma had a fiance. His name was Gary. He was such a sweetheart. Smart as hell, talented, and so easy to talk to. He and I decided to take a walk on the nature trail, and my mom stayed home because her stomach was hurting. It was a freaking beautiful April day, one of the first warm days of the year. Gary and I talked about the latest annoying Comcast commercial, we talked about black lightsabers and how they could even exist, and he asked me about my music interests. I was just explaining to him what a “scene kid” was when he fell. He died before I could say goodbye. He died before I could even understand what was happening. November 14th, 2013. The day I had to put my cat to sleep. From age four to sixteen, I had the weirdest connection with a kitty named Angel. My mom had adopted her for me as an Easter present, when I was little. We bonded on the very first day and we were inseparable for her whole life. She supported me and she could tell when I was sad. When I was eight, my mom had yelled at me for something. I was crying on my bed. Angel jumps up and starts playing with my tears. She knew it would help. One day she was rolling around on the floor, showing her belly and being cute. I didn’t usually touch her belly because I knew she didn’t like it. But for some reason, I did that day. And I felt a tumor. She fought her cancer with as much bravery as any human. But I couldn’t make her suffer any longer. She died in my arms, and with her, died my childhood. My comfort, familiarity, sanity, connection, everything died with her. I have never mourned so hard in my life as I did that night. January 7th, 2014. I am working my shift at Panera bread. Just counting down the minutes. Wanting to get the hell out of there. I heard a woman yelling, and I didn’t understand who it even was. It was my mom. She was telling me that we had to go. Immediately. Her brother had passed in his sleep. He was in his early forties. He wasn’t supposed to die. He’s supposed to walk me down the isle at my wedding. He’s supposed to take me to the August Burns Red concert next year, because that’s what he always does. He’s supposed to take me camping in May. We have way too many conversations that haven’t been had yet. We’re supposed to go fishing. And get taco bell afterwards. He’s supposed to answer the phone at 3 a.m. when I feel like shit, because I know he’s probably feeling like shit, too, and we can help each other feel better.

27. Something you would change about yourself? I have no motivation. At all. I’ve got loads of clean laundry from three weeks ago sitting in the middle of the floor. I can’t fold it, I just can’t.

28. Ever dated someone? I’ve dated two guys seriously. I don’t count the rest.

29. Worst mistake? In the seventh grade, I was a witness to a situation that caused the loss of a teacher’s job. Maybe the outcome would have been different if I hadn’t been too scared to defend him. That’s a long, weird story.

30. Watch the movie or read the book? Both. Preferably, book first, then movie.

31. Ever had a heartbreak? See all three situations in number 25.

32. Favorite show? 2 Broke Girls, Yu Yu Hakusho, XFiles

34. Any talents? I used to dance competitively. And some people like the photos I take!

35. Do you wish you could ever start over? Yes. Get me out of here

36. Any bad habits? I’ve been biting my nails since I had teeth :(

37. Ever had a near death experience? I was at a metal show, up against the barrier, and the crowd stormed the barrier. The barrier almost collapsed and I might have been crushed. Or any time I get in the car with Hunter.

38. Someone I can tell anything to? Hunter.

39. Ever lost a loved one? See 25, haha.

40. Do you believe in love? I do. Not the fairy tale stuff, but I believe in what I’ve got going on.

41. Someone you hate/Dislike? trrrrrrrruuuuuuuump.

42. Are you okay? It’s complicated.

43. Relationship status? #Charter.

#asks #notconsolation

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airshipvalentine · 4 years

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1 (both kid crush and actual like... hormones and bullshit crush), 3, 12, 13, 16, 17, 35, 36, and 40. this is a lot and a few of the latter ones r kinda personal so if u don't want to do all of them understandable!!

ok these got Long so im putting them under a cut. thank you for sending, leo!! <3

1. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them?

ok as for kid crush: i was in pre-k. i was, like, four years old, and my favorite color was blue, and i was REALLY passionate about it because a family friend had told me “but your favorite color can’t be blue! that’s a boy’s color!” and i was Mad. anyway, there was a boy in my class named harrison, and his favorite color was pink, so, logically, we got married because fuck gendered colors. we moved the next year and i haven’t heard of him since but i hope he’s doing well now

anyway the first one i really remember re: emotions was in third grade. his name way hayden, we were best friends, were mutually crushing on each other for like a year? i havent talked to him in a while but i follow him on instagram and i think he has a boyfriend now? so that’s cool. 3/4 of my 3rd grade friend group turned out gay, i guess

first post-hormones was in sixth grade. his name was noah and he was my best friend and we would text constantly. this was also definitely 100% mutual and i say this because we were writing self-insert friendfiction (as one does in 6th grade) loosely based off of our minecraft game with a couple other friends. anyway. both of our self-inserts had crushes on eachother. i read it recently and it’s not bad for middle school writing, if not kind of embarrassing? idk i have very fond memories of staying up very late writing this story.

first post-gay awakening was marina. (who i think follows me on here, though i don’t think she’s super active? if you’re reading this, hi marina! you were kind of my gay awakening!) this was seventh grade, i was very lonely, and she was very friendly and nice to me and we talked a lot during history class. i watched seven seasons of hetalia to impress her. one of my formative memories of that time was sitting together on a bed, playing a shitty hetalia dating game, and freaking out bc omg cute girl is next to me omg omg our hands brushed.

(first post-middle school is nell, who went to book club with me freshman year and is lowkey kinda still going on? im like 80% sure im the first girl she had a crush on and it was definitely a mutual thing at the end of sophomore year but both of us were too chickenshit to anything about it then. anyway this year she gave me a second edition copy of the portrait of dorian gray and we text about the homoerotic implications of bram stoker so like?? that’s something???? we’ll see.)

that was five and not one. but i had fun writing about it i NEVER get to talk about this shit thank you

12. Are ghosts real?

i don’t think so. i love them as a concept, i think they’re super neat, but i don’t think they exist :(

13. Are aliens real?

YES 100%!!!!!! the universe is far far too big for us to be the only living things in it!!!! i believe!!!!!!

16. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard?

god i don’t know.... i also don’t listen to a lot of sad music tbh. maybe justice/the once and future king from high noon over camelot? but it’s only really sad in context of the whole musical. autoclave by the mountain goats? good wife by mika? which is more of a bittersweet love song? that gay song from the lego portal game??? i really don’t know

17. How about the sweetest song?

finding something to do by hellogoodbye!!!! ahh i love it so much... the Energy... pure distilled feeling of running around doing shenanigans with the people you love. i am also a fan of die young, die dumb; not soon also by hellogoodbye

also sidekick by walk the moon!!! ugh i love it

35. What is the most important memory you have and why?

oh this is tough but interesting! not really sure about important but these are some of my favorites:

a couple years ago my family stayed at a cabin with my mom’s college friends & their families. one of them has a kid the same age as me, and we just, like, clicked instantly. we had the exact same brand of Internet Humor and we were both into video games and we just got along super well? idk those two weeks were so fun. i think about it a lot.

another one is at the end of last year, me and my friends stayed late at school to watch the school play, so we had like 4 hrs between the end of school and the start of the play. so we got pizza and played board games and played sandman on the school playground and it was just the best. (also me & my crush were holding hands for the entirety of the performance, which was nice)

+ just generally times spent with my friends

36. When was the last time you cried?

hmm a couple weeks ago i think? time is hard to measure atm. i was lonely. as one is.

40. Have you been on your first date? If so, how did it go?

no :(

#this is so so long leo im so sorry #but thank you so much for sending these i loved talking about them!#made me realize how little i get to talk about this kinda stuff haha #ask #yearning-hours

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trendingnewsb · 7 years

Text

Open thread: what books do you find most attractive in a potential partner?

An online survey found while most people like a well-read date, women are more attracted to bookish men than vice versa. Have you ever fallen in love or rejected someone based on their reading list? Share it in the comments below

I once went on a date with a man who, instead of writing a full online dating profile, listed his four favourite books. When asked, he said it seemed simpler than writing a lengthy bio.

It was and it wasnt: the titles hed included offered a tantalising glimpse into his personality. While I didnt end up discovering whether he was as intriguing as the selection, it was a good place to start the conversation.

Im not the only one scrutinising the books included in a dating profile. Reading itself is an attractive pastime, according to research released by online dating site eHarmony. However, while well-read men received almost 20% more messages than their peers, women who listed reading as a hobby received 7% less. So much for all those men who are into sapiosexuals.

Whether it be online or in conversation, the books we choose to identify ourselves with say plenty about us. Its shorthand for what we want to signal about our interests, intelligence and levels of engagement with the world.

What then does it say that, according to eHarmony, some of the most attractive books a man can read are Walter Isaacsons biography of Steve Jobs, and George Orwells 1984; but the unattractive titles are the Harry Potter series and second world war novels?

Conversely the Harry Potter books are precisely those men find most attractive on a female reading list, along with The Hunger Games series, Jane Austens Pride and Prejudice and Stieg Larssons The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Despite the fact they were global bestsellers about luurve in all its lurid forms, the Twilight series and Fifty Shades of Grey is a no-go for most men.

While theres a consensus that listing cookbooks or The Bible is a turn-off, theres an astonishing amount of bonding going on over Anthony Kiedis autobiography Scar Tissue and the Game of Thrones series.

Unsurprisingly, book lists are a good indicator of compatibility for Guardian staffers, whether it be forewarned by way of The Fountainhead or clicking over Harry Potter. And so we ask you to share your thoughts below what books do you find attractive in a potential partner? And why?

If I saw The Fountainhead, I ran a mile

Call me negative but when I was online dating I mainly used the books list as a warning rather than an attraction. I love a well-read man, and there are infinite wonderful books in the world that could attract me to someone if listed on a dating site (Id have fallen over backwards for a man who listed Elena Ferrantes Neapolitan series, for instance).

But there was one common well-loved book among men that if I saw, I ran a mile: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I have since discovered it is one of Donald Trumps favourite books, one of the few works of fiction hes ever read. Its nice to be right. Gabrielle Jackson

I steer clear of men who revere books in which women are only ever bit-parts

I am deeply suspicious of men who profess a profound love for Bret Easton Ellis, Christopher Hitchens, Hunter S Thompson, any Beat poet but especially Kerouac, and to a lesser extent Hemingway.

Speaking as someone who finishes about four books a year, its not a requirement that my partners are well-read. It is that they are properly, profoundly feminist not card-carrying ones whove learned that claiming affiliation is a prerequisite to gaining access.

Its a delicate balance to strike. In my experience of online dating, men who semaphore-signal their feminist credentials with an extensive reading list as soon as theres the opportunity are to be avoided as much as those who freely wear their misogyny.

My strategy is to steer clear of men who revere books in which women are only ever bit-parts or accessories and always lesser. Reading books by women is a point in their favour; youd be surprised by how many men dont. Elle Hunt

I avoid women who hang out in the self-help section

Books have played a trifling role in my search for love, certainly beside bonding moments over music and karaoke specifically.

My true love told me just this week she has no time to read books, and who am I to argue? But as the son of a bookseller, I was raised to avoid women who hang out in the self-help section. And yes, that includes Paulo Coelho. Joshua Robertson

I bought all his favourite books and read them

Years ago I had a Titanic-sized crush on a man I worked with and looked up his MySpace. I had not read any of the favourite books he listed so I bought them all and read them. One of them, Everything Is Illuminated by Jonathan Safran Foer, remains a favourite of mine today. When I eventually got my crush into my bedroom he noticed two of the books on my shelf, commenting how much he liked them. Me too! I responded, perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

Reader, I successfully tricked him into loving me and now we are married. Bridie Jabour

Harry Potter is an excellent litmus test

Im a Ravenclaw because the Pottermore quiz is fairly easy to manipulate, although tricking an online quiz into sorting me into the smart house probably makes me more Slytherin. I think Id like to date a Slytherin but usually end up with Hufflepuffs, which ends badly for all involved.

Following? Good. If youre not, we probably shouldnt date. My personality is 90% pop culture references and about 35% of that is Harry Potter. As Rob Fleming says in High Fidelity (10%, both book and film), what really matters is what you like, not what you are like. As a general rule I dont judge people who havent seen or read my core texts, but it does make me harder to understand.

The exception to the no-judgement rule is Harry Potter. Not because its so central to my identity (though it is), but because its an excellent litmus test. The Venn diagram of people who are proud they havent read Harry Potter, not just couldnt be bothered with it but actively think that shunning a book written for children makes them intellectually superior, and people who are insufferable wankers is a circle. Calla Wahlquist

She had a book on Russian political assassinations on her shelf

Finding something surprising has always piqued my interest. With my partner I found a book she had on Russian political assassinations and fake terror campaigns. When I eventually borrowed it, Blowing Up Russia: The Secret Plot to Bring Back KGB Terror was an interesting read.

Miles Martignoni

I was struck by his engagement with little-known Australian poet Lesbia Harford

My partner piqued my interest with his literary proclivities months before Id even met him but with his writing, not his reading. When we eventually started seeing each other, we naturally talked a lot about books, and I remember being struck by his deep engagement with the work of little-known and under-appreciated 20th century Australian poet, Lesbia Harford.

But what sealed the deal was when, on a weekend away early in our relationship, I watched him peruse a bookshelf ladened with various macho literary heavyweights, and eagerly pick up the Georgette Heyer novel instead. Stephanie Convery

He was teaching himself English via Chaucers The Canterbury Tales

Years ago while backpacking I met an Israeli whose English was rudimentary. But he was determined to improve, and was teaching himself English via a book hed picked up at a hostel Chaucers The Canterbury Tales. Consequently, his speech was speckled with bawdy 14th century turns of phrase, which made him sound like a Middle Eastern-accented Middle English poet. It certainly won me over. Janine Israel

I was brutally rejected for failing to read War and Peace

I was once brutally rejected on a Tinder date for failing to read War and Peace. Ill never forget the look of disdain and disappointment when I confessed that Tolstoy was just not really my thing. My date bristled and, a short time later, excused herself. She needed to meet a friend for dinner. Funnily enough we had just eaten. There was no second date.

So I try not to be too judgmental about what others read.

But I do love science fiction and fantasy. And if Im on a date, and Neil Gaiman or Ray Bradbury come up, then Im sure well have enough to talk about for a few more drinks.

But its best not to be too snobby about it. Its a strange thing that we place so much romantic stock in the shared love of a pastime that is really such a solitary activity. And I really dont want to read War and Peace. Paul Farrell