#i havent slept normally for days......
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um ive been down with the flu for a whole week now and every time i feel like im kinda getting better i end up being worse the next day lmaoooooooo im TIRED my friends
#no im actually better now i promise#anyway. january is a crazy month for real u get seasonal depression on top of ur regular depression but that just isnt enough u have to#be sick too i guess. experienced the worst migraine in my life on a random wednesday (or was it thursday...im not sure)#i havent slept normally for days......#anyway. Anyway#im kinda finding it extremely embarrassing to be on tumblr rn. for absolutely no logical reason other that my silly brain...so i#guess i will be back later 🧍♂️#xlsx
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Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!
#cats#holiday#OUGHH....... barely could even get these edited and posted... my mysterious sickness flare up has been sooo bad the past few#days.. I didn't even go to the usual obligatory family christmas I was supposed to attend (!!! health issue/medical mention in tags below)#My stomach issues basically put me in a constant state of uncontrollable shivering/body shaking + nausea + sometimes rapid heart#rate. and when it happens at night that makes it like.. nearly impossible to sleep when you're violently shaking + you can feel your heart#so strong + you keep having to run to the bathroom every 5 minute to cough and gag#and throw up and so on and so forth. etc. So I went like 40 hours without any sleep almost for christmas eve and all of christmas day#last night I finally got maybe 2 hours of sleep in between the nausea and shaking and stuff. and then today I was able to get a few#hours of sleep in the afternoon. Today I tried taking an anxiety mediciation a doctor gave me in case it was anxiety related (it's apparent#ly used to relax people and works in the moment. rather than like Anxiety Mediciation that you have to take for weeks to see any effect#because I think this isn't actually acting on your brain chemistry it's judt like..a mild sedative or something.) but all that did was make#me dizzy and sweaty lol. I;m glad I slept a little but I'm just still frustrated that I don't feel normal. I started having these#'episodes' (with the stomach issues + shaking + heartrate + nausea etc.) like at the end of october. And usually it will happen for like a#few hours at a time. or i'll lose sleep one day and then be fine the next. but this has been like nearly 3 days of feeling weird. so is#getting kind of annoying... It's funny too because I was so so productive like.. literally the few days before. I was feeling much better#and I was working on my game and blah blah. But then.. random issue flare up out of nowhere of course.. yaayy.... happy holidays to meee lo#I did at least see two random ducks outside of my window in the yard area for christmas. and havent seen them since. So it's like.. hrmm..#pacing around my room nauseous and shakings and etc. but at least... hello.. two little ducks placed there just for me :3c#Now I get anxiety every night which I'm sure doesn't help/could exacerbate whatever underlying genuinely physical issues exist. But after#like 2 nights of 'I spend the night sleepless and incredibly uncomfortable just sitting in the dark sick' then bedtime is like.. dread...#I even was trying slapping myself in the face in desperation to see if somehow that could shock my body out of whatever the hell it was#doing lol.. up at 3am holding ice cubes in my hand and hitting myself in the head and crying from exhaustion and thowing up.. literally#ridiculous cartoon character feeling... AAANYWAY!!! At least I have baby boy pictures. and I have lots of doctors appointments so hopefully#whatever the issue is can be sorted out at some point. I don't know much about ibs but hopefully maybe something like that that I could pos#ibly take medication for and not something more seirous or anything. Maybe there's a food I'm secretly intolerant to or whatever.#And I did at least post a sims holday video actually timed for the holidays so that's something. I havent been productive really latrely#though obviously.. I can't even play games or small tasks when in that state since I'm just SO physically uncomfortable. Nausea and heart#stuff are THE hardest physical sensations to ignore.. BUT yeah... hoping I shall sleep at all tonight. hopeing to get like 3 productive#things done.. at some point... at least SOMETHING... lol..... *** *** ***
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#vent edit#actuallymentallyill#depression#sleepless nights#insomnia#i havent slept normally since november last year#since i was 14 my sleep has been bad and i feel like havent been able to really rest for years#but prior to this one thing i could actually fall asleep and then sleep for 8hrs straight#but not for several months it's so hard to fall asleep#and even if i do i wake up between 5-6 times during 7 hrs in bed#and it never ever feels restful#bc my entire body hurts and my neck is so stiff andi alwatys have a headache#going to bed is awful and i dread it the entire day#i just wanna lie down and sleep and rest but i cant
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talking in the tags 🧸
#let me start by saying i finished playing portal for the first time#and i loved it!#live laugh lesbians#the plot was so engaging i can't believe how old this game is#im also thinking of rewatching hannibal#how am i still normal after seeing it I think it was just#so much to my taste that i repressed it#ive been making edits again and i forgot how fun it is!!#also i have like six slasher ocs to post but I cant figure out what ref format I want#the struggle is real#i havent slept in two days and i made like 3 blue houses in houseflipper#like. all blue. EVERYTHING blue#i csnt remember any of it though#im in my blue era#and im also thinking of going by a second name or something#and i think i should do more dc fanart i miss harley#anyways hope youre doing well!!#remember to drink water
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the truth is i actually get so insanely jealous
#not even ab christmas gifts and stuff its likr#idk obvi its christmas ppl will post their hauls but its like damn? more than 3 items person??#every year i get a pair of pjs and something practical. not that im complaining because its shit i use but#we dont make gift lists. we arent asked and arent allowed to want stuff so idk how to ask for it. then ppl ik have 30 plus items of junk an#i donr care ab presents because im a hoarder who doesnt use my shit but they have families who know of their interests#who talk to them everyday and go out of their way to converse. i don't even know my brothers fav color. my mother doesnt know my fav food.#me and my grandma say at most 6 words a day cuz of a language barrier and my father is a baby who doesnt reach out first#i eent to a friends house 2 dsys ago snd the whole family was chatting and the house was so lively and homey#then i go home and nobody says a word to each other. idk what code everyone has that im missing but oh my god im so jealous#im jealous of their relationships their freedom their partners the amount they spend their friendships their personalities#i want to be like them. i want to be them. but im me and the most i said to mom on christmas day was merry Christmas. then get yelled at#l speaks#shut up l#ranting in the tags because i can#its like god took his time making their lives as close to perfect as possible then went to me and was like ehh#he made me odd and offputting enough to make me different then made me 'normal' enough to not raise any flags#then put me in the most virtually normal home environment that at its core is fucked#but idk. its 5 am i havent slept in 2 days merry Christmas happy new year.#posts that couldve gone in the notes app
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screaming sobbing begging my brain to let me think about something other than andor
#it's been TWO MONTHS#of the most intense hyperfixation i've ever experienced#it was starting to calm down to just a normal obsession but then it got bad again this week#i havent slept more than 6 hours in 5 days my brain won’t let me go to bed not when there's andor#talking about andor is like. a need for me. if i don’t i feel so hollow and like my brain is itchy#helpppp i cannot live like this#andor please what do i need to do relinquish your hold on me please i need to sleep#an e original
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#vent post uwu havent seen those in a while have we <33#looks like a depressive episode again#aw shucks#:/#laid in bed all day. did absolutely nothing. slept for 18 hours.#havent washed my hair since saturday. havent taken my thyroid meds in three days so idk that may have sth to do with this too ig#my flat is a total mess and im ignoring all uni groupchats (uni itself as well) and non-groupchats too.#only pretending im Normal to my best friend even tho she explicitly asked me to tell her when im feeling Bad and she does reach out to me#with her problems but i just cant bring myself to talk to her about mine#also i miss my ed so badly i need it back desperately. and i mean DESPERATELY.#anyway. something is seriously seriously wrong with me rn. like fr.#and i still haven't found the earring kms#had a bit of a ✨strongly suicidal✨ moment yesterday like it really made me go Wowwwwww girl hold yer horses cause yeah.#we havent seen that one in a while either#(no matter what my evil poll tags might have said lmao). anyway. absolutely horrible last two days.#and i once again feel like the worst and most useless and most disgusting person in the world.#my body is trash and there's nothing in this world that i hate more than it. i wish it would just. evaporate. whatever.#i hate it with a passion. peace and love.
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thinking about fictional guy with a name ive heard like once in my entire life. goes i should stop thinking about fictional guys and open my textbook. opens textbook. protagonist of the short story i happen to open it on has the same name. closes textbook.
#NO ITS NOT CASTIEL BTW. that would have been way funnier. this is just unfunny and horrible i cant read that..#i havent slept in idk how long so seeing that was like. ok. i read that wrong. but no i guess my life is a sick sick joke..#so close to finishing this assignment btw then i can be normal again for a couple of days before fresh horrors begin..#um.txt
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transitions and change always make me so stressed. even if its as simple as i need to pack and drive 3hrs back to my apartment which i havent been to in 3wks and its been empty for that long so idk if anyrhinghappened or if its dusty or there are bugs it stresses me out that im not there. even tho i want to go back bc its my safe place even tho i will also feel really depressed being alone but i also do not feel good where i am now and everything going on w family. but i am also not used to being back there and i have to pack and unpack and i hate that. i hate change. also hate living the same day over and over so i will probably feel depressed once im alone and have no routine but i will build a routine for myself 👍
#feel like im not normal after coming back to the US maybe my body fsels off but ive been soooo fkn tired#the past 3 wks with my family bc we get up early i always go to bed a little later then wake up at like 8 which is early for me i run on#3-5hrs of sleep multiple times a day and havent slept in much at all. get back and the worst thing ever happened yestersay#w stress levels so high sobbing and crying for hours sucj a big mess and now i just dont feel normal or like safe emotionally i dont feel#like i can talk to anyone and my bfs leaving for ten days which isnt that long but im insane so a total of3wks of not seeing him makes me#sad plus yesterday was so hard so it just feels hard to be alone soon but i also really need to be alone. ok cool
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hgrhgrhg work on big [redacted] project or play h.sr........
#i didnt take a midday nap i actually just slept for another 2 hours after eating breakfast#and do i feel less sick? yes actually i feel fine but i do feel kinda sore bc i slept in a weird position#which is normal for me actually surprisingly enough#rambles#i havent worked on [redacted] in 3 ish days egads. i need to stop making excuses for myself i really need to wokr on it#but i have sooooo much time....................... and im basically almost halfway done with it. i could finish that by the end of this mon#h and then work on [redacted] for [redacted] too and i also had [redacted] for it as well so i mean theres no harm right#i could.......... if only i stop feeling like shit every day for different reasons#urghrghrgh i feel a lil sick... stummy hurt and nose keeps running ughhhhhhhhhh i should not have gone outside < thinks its allergies#honestly tho h.sr is only gonna take like 20 mins MAX bc the quest thing for the shop management gameplay is TIMELOCKED im soooo upset by t#at by the way also i hate how it intterrupts my gameplay with sidequests PLEASE . ok ik that it makes it more fun and less boring/.#i should play a shop management game again. like ykno those ones on like coolmathgames. egads theyre sooo addicting to me theyre like candy#ok but i also have to play the tour for eng.stars adn btw IM NTO READING SATELLITE UNTIL ALL THE STORIES COME OUT so i can binge read them#egads. i was supposed to farm 3 hours ago and now my 2nd farming session is coming up in a couple of minutes except i slept thru the first!#ok but i NEEDED that sleep its fine. its fine ill farm it all now its fineeeeeeee
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#i know it's very selfish of me considering my dad is like. at deaths door but#halloween is my favorite holiday and i havent been able to do any of the fun things i normally do#and ive slept like. three hours in the last three days and ive had only one real meal since then#so naturally im very stressed and exhausted but goddamn. it is not fun to spend 16 hours in an icu room#with the grumpiest most stubborn old man on this earth#where i have to physically restrain him constantly because he has no short term memory and wants to go home#but im gonna go cry in the shower or whatever#taking it day by day!!!! hoping a meteor lands on me and kills me instantly
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#so for the last like. as long as i can remember. ive had a shit sleep schedule#mostly like sleep all day and stay up all night kinda shit#but i got sick/burnt out recently and slept for almost two days straight#and somehow it reset my sleep schedule to something normal#like i went to bed at 10pm and woke up at 5am for the last few days#and i havent had to nap#and the not needing to nap is really fucking with me#like im used to waking up. feeding my dog. and then napping until i go to work#i should be napping rn. but im not tired#i dont have to get ready for work for another four hours and ive already been awake for three hours#i went to the coffee shop and to walgreens. im in real clothes instead of pajamas. i did a load of laundry#im laying in bed (its so hot i might be dying) and i just. dont know what to do with my time#im probably gonna do some cleaning and packing because im moving in two months#idk im just feeling some strange type of way because for the last few days ive been. alive#instead of sleeping my life away#its so strange. i got sick. slept for a few days. and now my biggest problem is just fixed? and i can have a life now?#its 70 degrees today and the world is my oyster. what should i do?#i have a list of chores im gonna do. i might walk to the coinstar machine so ill have money#yeah i want to do that cuz im in the negatives in my bank account but i want to get a cool drink before work today#my dad texted me this morning 'noticed your bank account is overdrawn for the second time this week. whats going on kid?'#which is such a sad text to get because i know im broke. thanks dad. lets pls ignore my financial hardships#if you want to make my dad less sad hmu for my venmo /hj#anyways ill probs do that today. get some cash so i can get a frozen lemonade from wawa or something#yknow that post thats like 'seasonal depression seems fake until its 50 degrees in march and it feels like you took a party drug'#i think thats partially whats happening here. its 70 degrees and sunny and my systems dont know what to do with that#i hope youre all having a great day that you dont sleep through. i love you!!
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spent the day doing laundry so relaxing now by drawing oneus from the concert + putting on the national theatre perf of othello (which might be significantly less relaxing but im doing a shakespeare on film module in college atm and i watched laurence olivier's othello and it was ................... a bad experience so i want to cleanse it by seeing a different take on othello. plus i normally enjoy the national theatre's perfs so hopefully this will be good! if it sucks i do also have the national theatre's coriolanus downloaded w tom hiddleston so ill switch to that if necessary. ive seen it beforeand i liked it so it should be fun if i do swtich. as u can tell im just in a classical theatre mood (and a drawing oneus mood))
#i have other stuff to do but i also have sunday off from work (i didnt ask for it but im not complaining) so i will do schoolwork then :3#but like having friday AND sunday off is big for me guys normally i have class mon-fri and work sat-sun this is so nice#i got 11 hours of sleep!!!!#i fully havent slept more than 5-6 hours a single day this week between traveling for 1us last weekend and then a very stressful week#at school#so :33333333333333333#anyway fingers crossed this is a good show#to be.txt
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migriajne moment
#ramblings#i probably shouldnt be using screens if i have a migriane but theres literally nothing i can do other than sleep if i dont lol#and i have slept almost all day so that feels like a non-option#Ari wants to go outside but honestly im too dizzy to really stand up for long so yeah lol also its raining outside#i have asked for another doctors appointment for the migraines tho because i think im having migrianes i havent had before#which sucks ass. like i tried to write a message to my partner earlier and text is hard enough as it is when migraines are going on#but i havent had issues with the text not being STILL when im trying to read it while having a migraine#it felt like the text was actively fucking with me while i was trying to dear it because letters felt like they were changing sizes and#some where fucking rotating or some shit and thats not something that has happened before#this isnt an ISSUE normally that was just something that happened now for whatever reason#fuck it i might go to bed tho and let tumblr queue do its thing (i finally started using it because i had too many posts in my likes i was#saving so i had to start queueing stuff so i wouldnt spam my followers and mututals and instantly hit post limit lol)
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My boss's life is literally a soap opera. His girlfriend works for a funeral home and like this widow is in love with her and offered to buy her a house after her divorce, and my boss is mad about it and I'm like.. good for her, the housing market is hell, I'd suck widow dick too for a proper house. Let her hook me up with one please I'm desperate 😭
#personal#i havent slept in two days because something in the apartment is humming nonstop im desperate for a normal functioning house#my boss thankfully laughed very hard when i blurted that out
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#havent been updating cuz. academic and work hellzone but#nothing has really improved other than that my heart rate is back to normal 🙏🙏#i either have really bad exhaustion or chest pain or cough on a given today#today is exhaustion 😔 slept the whole day and i just want to sleep more lol#but im gonna make some tea soon and hopefully get some work done bc : ) i am so behind
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