#i have so many mods ive made and just never posted god | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

azumasoroshi · 1 year

Text

going fucking insane over one of my wips because it's for a really small subgroup of a really small fandom of a really small fandom of a really big fandom that everyone fucking hates because people are cancelled like every other week and basically i cant talk about it with anyone without needing to explain like 60 pages worth of story that I wrote PLUS no one wants to talk about me because it's one of the cringiest ships in existence that sounds HORRENDOUSLY heteronormative on paper and like half the fandom calls them siblings even though they have been confirmed multiple times not to be and the other half is like oh the girl would never be in love with the guy because she's in love with the player!! as if being in love with her ideal of the player is healthy for her all and can't change or she can't fall out of love with someone whose interactions were limited to basically just looking at her, clicking through her text and DELETING HER

yeah so is about monipai as in monika from ddlc and senpai from friday fucking night funkin (i know. im sorry) im so down horrendous im on like seventeen doses of copium and counting and there's 11 total monipai works on ao3

one of them is mine and the other ones are either written by a 10 year old (because it's fucking fnf, what sane adult would write unironic fnf fanfiction) or unfinished (because fnf fics get no traction and unless you're fucking insane like me and have 60 pages of pure brainrot there is NOTHING keeping you going for such a nonexistent audience) and oh my god why am i here

the other fandoms ive been in recently are vashwood and shizaya and those are great!! those are normal!! vashwood has been getting boatloads of content that i cant stop looking at/reading and im getting fun ideas for aus and there's so many people in the community rn to interact with

and shizaya is a bit of struggle because the fandom is smaller but there's so much older content to go through/reread that it's fine and my posts about them get some traction and in some places you can actually talk to people who have been in the fandom from the beginning of time and overall it's a good fun time

AND THEN THERE'S MONIPAI. the ONE straight (bi4bi according to me and im always right) ship in fnf that no one likes because they're "sibling coded" for some god forsaken reason (and im usually all for sibling headcanons/prefer them over romantic ones but NOT THIS ONE SENPAI LITERALLY CONFESSED HIS LOVE FOR HER IN THE MOD) and it'll only make sense to people who like DDTO enough to not forget about it after playing like 19832529 other mods and even THEN like half of them ship it in the really cringe heteronormative way that dudebros ship them like GOD FUCKING HELL GET ME OUT OF HERE

ive never been madder about anything ive shipped ever. i LOVE getting comments on my fic and im surprised ive gotten any at all but holy shit

you know that one person who made like 3000 fics for their honeyworks throuple. honey i feel you cuz what the fuck is this

and with my usual ships i can send them to my friends who know what to expect and be like ok so these are the gayasses you're obsessed with this week but with this one. like the very premise is so ridiculous id be laughed out of their dms but this is literally like the most in-depth and serious ive gotten about any of my fanfiction plots ever (there's like themes and callbacks and motifs and everything, thats how you know it's bad). this is probably better written than my book drafts and it makes me SO MAD

ive even considered like. what if i just made them my ocs, since i've developed them so much and the plot is entirely my own creation. that might even be easier but the fic is so heavily based off of canon content that it just wouldntd make SENSE how am i supposed to rewrite all that canon lore when i take them out of it. i cant. im stuck tying them to ddtoverse

back to what i was originally talking about: basically i got this really nice comment on ao3 on my monipai fic and i was smiling really hard and spinning in my chair and i was inspired to try and write again so i update my. oh it's 71 pages. 71 page document to try and update chapter 3 and i end up going to my other ideas and workshopping them and suddenly ive penned down ideas for 4 DIFFERENT CLIMAXES?????????? AND THEY ALL HAVE THEIR PROS AND CONS AND THEY ALL BASICALLY LEAD TO THE SAME ENDNIG AND I DONT KNOW WHICH ONE TO CHOOSE AND I CANT ASK ANYONE BECAUSE IF THEY'RE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO READ IT I WANT THEM TO READ THE FIC AS IT'S BEING UPDATED BUT NO ONE'S INTERESTED ANYWAY

and trying to ask about which one i should choose while removing all incriminating details (read: monika and senpai's names) is so hard because there's SO much i have to explain as backstory and no one even responds to it anyway so there's no point :sob:

anyway i love monipai and specifically my version of monipai and it's legitmately ruining my life how's your day going

#soro rants #soro rambles #long post #cannot emphasize how much you probably dont want to read this post LMFAO this is literally a mental breakdown #i dont even fucking know dude i CANT TALK ABOUT THEM WITH ANYONE #the only other ship i have that comes close to this level of obscurity is n and colress from pokemon #which might be worse tbf because of the age gap that 10 year old me did not comprehend (i thought they were both 20-ish)#(they are not both ~20ish.) so there's like an actual moral reason to not ship them.#but like. there's only so much i can write about that and ive already published most of it. my brainrot isn't this bad for them #tachigin is also obscure but like. there's a discord server for it with like 7 people and a decently sized ao3 collection #why am i only into straight ships that no one ships wtf #why couldnt i have fixated on like. bf x gf thatd be so much fucking easier cuz literally every mod has them #but noOOO it has to be the fucking obscure ones that even the most heteronormative of dudebros are like 'why would you even consider that'#hell even tabi/agoti has more of a following than this like dawg #ddlc #fnf #monipai #ddlc monika #fnf senpai #btw if that person who commented today reads this: hi i love you #god i try to never rant like this because it's unprofessional and i never read anyone else's rants but like im LOSING IT #i usually keep it in the tags which is really easy to skip over or just dont say it at all guhhh #people who write nothing but rarepairs/oc stuff i have NOTHING but respect for you i snap like a twig at the lack of an audience #please teach me your ways how do you cope. maybe ill start brainstorming with chatgpt #not feeding it prompts to write fanfiction with of course because only whores do that

4 notes · View notes

dearheartwitcher · 2 years

Text

masterlist of all my ocs

i think i did one of these a while ago and it just fucking disappeared BUT THATS OK because ive made more bitches since then anyway i will try to keep this up to date :)

DND Characters

Fennryn “Fenn” Autumntide:

wood elf ranger. a little older, think 35-40. they were orphaned as a baby for reasons unknown to them, and found by a dwarf in the mountains: Rhiannon “Anna” Autumntide. she took them in and raised them, though she tried very hard for most of her life to keep an emotional distance, treating them more as a charge than her own child. despite cultural differences, she did her best to raise them as any elf might be raised, teaching them what elvish she knew alongside dwarven and common, and that when they become of age, they will have an adult name, which she says they should pick themself. she also taught them about the forest, and nature, and right from wrong, and how to protect those who need protecting. fenn was a feisty child as a result, though they mellowed greatly with age. as fenn got older, though, so did anna, and it eventually became undeniable that the bond they shared was close, familial. when fenn became of age to choose their adult name, they chose to take on anna’s last name. though they never said “i love you” to each other, it was felt, and shown. fenn cared for anna until her death.

after anna’s passing, fenn putts around their cabin for several months or perhaps a couple of years, before the loneliness becomes too much for them to bear. after much self-debate, they leave their home, and set out to find anything, anything other than the crushing isolation of their cabin in the mountains.

on their own, fenn is strong, silent, and awkward. they experience some anxiety, unused to seeing so many people, and all the sights and sounds that are so unfamiliar to them. they start smoking herbs to help them relax. fenn is also kind, and trustworthy, and they have a desire to do the right thing. they have a quiet sense of humor once you get to know them.

fenn’s spotify playlist

Alistair:

okay so UNFORTUNATELY..... this will be a bit of a trend among the dnd characters— i have several characters i love whose campaigns were canceled very early into the story, that i plan to play again as soon as i have the chance. (as well as a couple that im playing currently!) and seeing as there are people in my current circle who i play dnd with who follow me, im not gonna post their backstories to this list.

alistair is a half-elf warlock. they are very high-energy with little regard for personal space. they do not speak about themself or their past or their work or even their patron. they are extremely mysterious despite being extremely talkative.

alistair has a joyful appreciation for morbid artifacts. they love to study, and are very curious by nature. they also have a collection of teeth in a jar, which they have proven to collect themself, by hand. also, their eyes glow! thats pretty weird, huh?

in a modern au, they’re a camboy and they mod furbies.

alistair’s spotify playlist

Vivienne Chandrakant:

an elven sorcerer. vivienne is on her own— but she used to be an adventurer. her old party’s quest was heavily observed by a higher power, and they regularly received divine guidance and assistance. the world had become overrun by a plague that was known to turn its victims into unnatural beasts, and vivienne and her friends were on course to stop it. however, when things turned dire, and they needed the gods most, they went silent. vivienne watched her party die. she has seen the terror of the plague firsthand.

she lives with an immense amount of guilt. she occasionally drinks to cope. despite herself, vivienne cannot resist the call of a person in need. and unfortunately for her, it leads her right back to another adventuring party. vivienne cares deeply for the safety of others and has a tendency to mother hen And mama bear. she tries her best to keep her distance from others, emotionally, to questionable success— she is not cold or unkind, only prefers to keep unattached, now.

in a modern au, shes a social studies student and part of a polycule. (art from said modern au because i dont like her old art anymore lmaoo)

vivienne’s google doc (incl. backstory and brief descriptions of her old party members)

Jesse Ravenscroft:

human bard. jesse hates his job— thats how jesse describes being a bard: his job. he plays the clarinet, and while he is technically very skilled, there is no heart in his music. it is unknown to his party what brought jesse to seek adventure, or much else about him or his past. he is extremely pessimistic and not easy to get close to.

besides the clarinet, jesse is very technically skilled in many things, in fact, several of which he seems to enjoy much more than music or storytelling or anything else that would normally be associated with a bard. he seems to specialize in the arcane and in academia, and he’s the go-to for solving riddles among his party.

jesse is extremely sarcastic, and while he is not very friendly, he does have a sense of humor (even if it’s a little mean), and he somewhat enjoys bickering with his party (though you certainly wouldnt guess it).

in a modern au, jesse is in college for engineering or something. he lives in a frat house despite not being in a frat, and the jocks all bully him into doing their math homework. he works at chuck e cheese, as chuck e cheese. he is in a polycule with more people than should reasonably want to date him. he smokes cigarettes and drinks shitty beer and drives the worlds shittiest car. (i make his life hell because its funny)

in a medieval royal au, he is a mean, spoiled prince. he bullies his primary guards for fun.

random fact, jesse is fantasy jewish. in the modern au he is of course, regular jewish.

(i have a LOT of art of jesse. a lot a lot. i love my clown he is very dear to me)

fic of jesse and one of his party members in the royal au (18+, read ao3 tags)

jesse’s spotify playlist

Ford:

firbolg maverick(iirc). made him for a brief cowboy campaign that used a ruleset called Snakes’n’Saloons. ford is very kind and generous by nature, and loves to put his strength to good use. however, his size and strength can be very intimidating before you get to know him, and... even sometimes after you get to know him. is he doing that on purpose?

he has a sister named Clementine, who is very notably not a firbolg. she is sweet and kind, maybe even more so than her brother, and she runs a general store in town.

Loren Vale:

another wood elf ranger babey what can i say. its an addiction.

not much about loren’s past is known to their party yet. it is known, however, that they used to be a mortician. they practiced for a good few years in one of the bigger, central cities. they liked their job, and were good at it, and it paid the bills. over the years, however, they began noticing different things while they worked. this led them to the study of what power remains when a creature passes on. they became engrossed in this study, and eventually closed down their business.

loren moved to a cabin in the woods, to study on their own and to attempt to commune with the forces of nature. eventually, their study led them to the art of carving bones. these carvings proved to enhance their abilities depending upon the intent and the imagery carved into the surface of the bones.

loren is not the type who likes to stay settled for long— they tend to just do whatever seems the most fun at any given time. when they got tired of carving bones alone in the woods, they began slowly emerging, until they were eventually swept up for a quest.

in a group, loren is good-humored and sensible (...mostly). they do occasionally get elbow-deep into some creature guts for fresh bones for their collection, and they seem to appreciate morbid curios, like taxidermy. theyre also not shy, and can be a little flirtatious.

loren’s spotify playlist (literally only has one song on it)

Cecilia “Cece” Marigold Coriander Sprout:

rabbitfolk trickery domain cleric. cece was raised on an island, in a temple worshipping Remos (the in-game equivalent to the christian god; she was basically raised catholic). she hasn’t talked too much about her past— just that everything changed when Eventide came. eventide came to all the young clerics in cece’s temple, speaking to them in their dreams, promising them lives more full of fun. there followed an uprising— the temple became eventide’s first, and for the time being only, place of worship. and the cleric’s lives have been more fun. they still worship him, but unlike remos, eventide answers, and he tells them how much he loves them.

and cece is the most special. she has been sent on a special mission off-island to spread the good word. word of a god who listens, a god who wants you to live your life to the fullest, a god who is happy when you are happy, a god who just wants a slice of your birthday cake.

cece is joyful, and friendly, and just a little mischievous. she loves love, and is not shy about sharing it with her friends (or really most anyone else, for that matter). however, she is also not immune to embarrassment, and feels very strongly that there is a “good” silly and a “bad” silly. she is very passionate about her god and feels genuine hurt when he is mocked.

in a modern au, she loves funky modern fashion like e-girl and kidcore, and she loves to craft and do stick’n’pokes for her friends. she’s not popular, but she likes to go to parties anyway.

google doc containing some of cece’s diary entries (+bonus, her drawing of eventide)

cece’s spotify playlist

————

Cressida

brief world details: demons are real but not in the biblical sense. they are beings who can exist on other planes (“hell” and “limbo”) and who, at least in most cases, used to be human. cressida city is one of the remaining standing cities post-environmental apocalypse. it’s very sci-fi. full of demons and humans alike. the government is a sham and cops are still pigs. there’s an extensive seedy underworld (figurative) in the city. one demon in particular, Cordia, is heading an organization (“Orion”) of empowered humans (“celestials”) in an attempt to keep the city from going entirely to shit, and to eventually assist in overthrowing the corrupt governing demons in hell. (tl;dr demons are real kinda and so are superpowers. big sci-fi city)

Ellis:

ellis actually came to be because of a dream i had. i was having an awful nightmare that i just could not force myself to wake up from. which is unusual for me, because i almost always become lucid toward the end of a nightmare and can force myself awake. but even though i became lucid, it was like i was trapped. then, all of a sudden, the dream just froze. and perched in front of me, was a very nice looking man, dressed in a very old-fashioned brown suit. he calmed me down and apologized, and he told me that he could change the dream if i wanted. and i did, and he did. he snapped his fingers and i was suddenly somewhere else completely, and he was gone. he felt so real to me when i woke up that i had to create ellis.

ellis is an entity who lives in limbo, alongside a demon named Crow. ellis also works for crow, helping to keep limbo and all its souls in check. ellis has the ability to enter people’s minds, and he can do several things ranging from browse dreams, sort through memories, or even change them completely. he is kept very busy and is often left quite tired as a result. he does his best in his work, though he’s not a stranger to making mistakes. he’s gotten very good at fixing problems (especially the ones he causes).

ellis is a romantic at heart, and to his knowledge, always has been. it does not take him very long to develop romantic feelings for crow. despite the fact that he is pretty openly flirtatious, it takes him over a century to actually confess his feelings.

ellis and crow live very analog lives. even though they live in the future, residing in limbo allows them to keep separate from the rest of the world. they find comfort in being old-fashioned.

ellis and crow’s spotify playlist (wip)

Cyrus Darcy:

cyrus darcy is a huge bitch with a stupid amount of money for one man. he lives to dress pretty, lounge around all day, get wine drunk in vip lounges, and hook up with handsome men.

cyrus’ fortune was left to him by his parents, who died when he was about 20. up until that point, he’d been living pretty rebelliously with a much rougher crowd. the death of his parents didnt exactly sober him, but it made him change his lifestyle pretty quickly.

cyrus actually catches the attention of Cordia because of his powers— cyrus has the power of suggestion. as long as someone is within eyesight(approx.), he can give them a short, simple command that they are then compelled to follow. he uses it often enough just to get what he wants (which is mostly for people to leave him alone).

Rosier:

rosier is my fucking. beloved.

rosier is a demon, who lived as a human in the early 1800s. he was born in france, and his family moved to canada. he was just a little entitled, as his family was pretty well-off. he was also pretty cocky, as is the wont of handsome, rich young men who have natural charisma and leadership skills.

for the napoleonic wars, he sailed back to france and joined the army. he was pretty good at playing soldier, and despite being pretty young, he became an officer easily. unfortunately, though, one wrong decision he made led to the deaths of most of his men. and not long after, as the survivor’s guilt settled in, he met his own end as well.

rosier’s recklessness regarding the lives of others landed him squarely in hell, as a demon. he was now stronger, his senses were sharper, and he learned he could change shape; a large, pitch dark, bipedal creature, with wings and claws and long, sharp fangs. Sonnellion, one of the archdemons governing hell, and a lover of war, quickly claimed him. rosier became, in essence, sonnellion’s dog. he was forced to do terrible things under sonnellion’s command, and despite his protests, he was not physically strong enough to do anything about it. for a time, rosier accepted his position, and kept himself in check. on occasion, away from sonnellion, he even maintained some semblance of his old self: confident, charming. with the addition of the powers he gained when he became a demon, he was even more a force to be reckoned with.

after almost two hundred years, it all became too much. rosier snapped. he shifted forms, in a wild, furious daze, and flew, far away from hell, and from sonnellion.

rosier landed himself on earth, in the united states. the sights were unfamiliar to him— how many years had passed? he settled in the woods somewhere. the woods were familiar enough— woods are woods. (he was discovered, more than once. he became wildly frightened, every time. The Mothman, they called him, but he wouldn’t find out until almost a century later.)

as the years pass on, rosier hops from isolated location to isolated location, forgetting himself, forgetting he had ever been anything but this. his mind completely broke. as the apocalypse happened around him, he almost entirely lost the ability to speak.

he spends several years living in the ruins of a city, surviving on whatever he can find in the endless abandoned buildings... until he is found by Arley, Cordia’s right-hand.

rosier initially fights with arley, of course. between fight and flight, his instinct has become fight. but they keep coming back, trying to learn more about him. it doesnt take too long before they realize that hes scared of them, just territorial, and they change their approach.

arley, for lack of a better term, somewhat tames rosier. it takes weeks before they can get him to follow them to their headquarters, and show him to cordia. cordia, much older than rosier, recognizes him.

after a very lengthy process of getting rosier to settle down, he eventually takes up residence in the largely empty hotel that is orion’s hq building. he spends most days hidden away in spare rooms, only answering to the calls of arley, and occasionally Curtis, the resident chef.

arley is the one person who makes rosier feel the safest, and as such takes charge of his rehabilitation. they help him remember how to speak, read, and write. and after several months... rosier is a man again. mostly.

rosier, at this point, now has limbs that have turned black at the tips, his hair is longer and wilder than ever, hes much taller than he ever was as a human, and his eyes are solid red all the way around. and he still has some fur. but mostly, he’s a man again.

its another while still until he can communicate very effectively. and his shift is easily triggered by any physical feeling of stress for some time. but he slowly regains control of himself. arley eventually enlists their friend Denver, a very chill guy, to see if he can offer rosier help that he cant get from arley.

a few years in the future, rosier becomes more than the sum of his parts. physically, he looks to be a fairly normal, tall man, aside from his all-red eyes, which he keeps. his personality is like it was before, but also not. he is no longer afraid for his life every day. he is strong, and confident, and has a good sense of humor, and denver has been a horrible influence on his fashion sense.

fic about rosier going into heat and arley helping (18+ obv, check the tags on this one)

fic about denver and rosier (18+)

fic about future rosier and arley (18+ sorry theyre all porn rosiers hot)

rosier’s spotify playlist (wip)

rosier and arley’s spotify playlist

rosier/arley/denver’s spotify playlist (wip)

Marcy:

marcy is my BABY. they are pretty young, like 19/20, and VERY energetic. their favorite things in life are roller skating, their friends, parties, sex, and drugs. they love parties SO much, and before joining orion, that was how they spent most of their time. they love music and like to play around in different music software when they get a quiet moment. before they came out as nonbinary, they also used to do roller derby. marcy is very athletic and has very strong legs in particular.

marcy’s powers that got them scouted for orion, have to do with gravity control. they can essentially increase and decrease the effects of gravity on their body at will. they use this to float around sometimes mostly, but they can also use it to scale buildings, jump extremely high, and come down hard— think like an irl ground pound.

marcy comes from a huge family, they have 9 siblings. 3 older, 6 younger. their family is very important to them, especially since as one of the older siblings, they contributed greatly to raising their younger siblings. although they spend most of their time at parties, with friends, or at orion, they technically still live at home. theyre a huge mama’s kid.

they have adhd, and theyre medicated. theyre not super dysphoric so sometimes they bind and sometimes they dont. theyre pan + poly.

(drawn here with my bf’s oc Kier <3)

marcy’s spotify playlist (wip kinda)

Evelyn:

it is not yet really known what evelyn is. non-human, yes, certainly, but she isnt quite a demon either. she has a very strong aura visible to only a select few people— namely, those capable of connecting to the afterlife planes.

when evelyn was a human, she lived in the victorian era. she was the daughter of a wealthy man, and they had moved to the united states from england when she was a child. she was born with the ability to see into the history of people and objects, though this was usually chalked up to a keen sense of intuition.

evelyn was often in poor health, and there seemed to be no cure for her condition. because of this, she was often confined to her home. she spent a lot of her spare time reading. she developed a love for learning, of course, but also for stories of fantasy and romance. she was lovely, and smart, and because of her status was much sought after by young eligible bachelors. however, despite her secret wishes to be swept off her feet, no man ever interested her.

until Robin, that is. robin was beautiful, and charming, and better than all the other young men at every game there was to play. more than that, he had a quick wit. he interested evelyn more than any other man ever had. they ended up spending time together fairly frequently, and he seemed to really appreciate evelyn’s mind in a way she was unused to.

and one night, it is revealed to evelyn what made robin so different. he wasn’t a man at all.

evelyn and robin had a lengthy (for the time) love affair. her father approved of the courtship well enough, but the true extent and nature of their relationship was kept very much a secret. evelyn was enjoying her life more than she ever had.

suddenly, without forewarning, robin just disappeared. no word, no nothing. she just left.

evelyn died young, succumbing to her poor health.

when she comes back to life, stronger and healthier than she has ever been, she is in a world completely foreign to her. she quickly packs away her initial shock, and sets out to make good use of this opportunity she’s been given.

evelyn spends her time reading, again. she plays a game of catch-up for months, learning all that she can about the way that this new world works, how it came to be. she finds a job as an archivist for the city, and a nice modern apartment.

when members of orion spot her aura, though, they know they have to get her to meet Cordia. and evelyn agrees, because she cant resist the appeal of being special, and the whole arrangement is so weird that it makes her intensely curious.

evelyn enters the meeting room and it is immediately undeniable. cordia is robin.

an argument ensues, and then a heartfelt conversation, and then a passionate exchange, and then an argument again, and the cycle continues several times over several months. evelyn rightly holds a lot of anger toward cordia, not only for leaving but for the extent of her deceit, when evelyn herself had been so vulnerable. and cordia is literally the worst at emotions.

theyre still in the middle of their slow burn. theyre working on it, wish them luck.

evelyn’s spotify playlist (wip)

evelyn and cordia’s spotify playlist

Audrey:

audrey is a demon bimbo serial killer. she’s a huge bitch.

audrey is one of my characters who is a part of cressida’s underbelly. she works in a club run by a demon called Jack. jack is one of the archdemons in charge of hell. he likes to be up in the city running the red light district for shits n gigs. jack is a fucking asshole and audrey is one of his favorites. jacks favorites get special treatment, and audrey relishes in it.

audrey uses the club as a way to meet her victims. she mostly goes for gross, rich old men whom she can take full advantage of before doing away with them.

the personality she shows most people is a drunk, dumb slut. in actuality she can be pretty harsh, and her actions are all carefully measured and calculated.

on a random night, audrey lets (yes, lets) herself get kidnapped by some guy named Flynn. flynn is by all standards, a fucking loser. and he also happens to be a serial killer— who preys on cute girls. audrey lets him have his fun for a brief moment, before turning the tables on him, showing him who’s really in charge. which makes flynn just about piss his pants.

audrey decides this is pretty funny, and starts making a habit of hanging around flynn to torment him. she teases him mostly about things of a sexual nature.

in a weird way, they like each other. but obviously its extremely toxic.

audrey did not have a good past as a human and its better left at that, i think.

(audrey and flynn <3)

audrey’s spotify playlist

Denver Keeley:

denver is mostly, at first glance, just a guy. he’s one of my older mortal ocs, physically, at around 35 years old.

denver is chill as fuck. the first thing most people note about him is that he’s clearly obsessed with the 1970′s. he dresses in carefully curated vintage and vintage-style clothing. if you visit his house (he regularly has visitors, his doors are figuratively almost always open), it’s styled much in the same way. his decorating sense looks right out of a 70′s catalogue or something. if you get to know him, you might find out that he’s kind of handy. because of all the rare old shit he keeps around, he’s had to learn how to be his own repairman for most things.

the second thing people notice is that he lays the charm on very thick, and seemingly outright refuses to call anyone by their real name. he prefers to give everyone a petname. he also uses a lot of 70′s slang, some of which no one else understands even remotely. he never introduces himself with his full name— just denver.

denver loves music, and if you ask, he’ll tell you that he’s a musician by trade. which is mostly true enough. he likes to carry around a pencil and mini notebook with him to write down tunes and lyrics that come to him. he “plays guitar well, and sings badly” if you ask him. he also collects CDs and vinyl albums. (he releases music semi-anonymously as Denny Keeley and The Corks. only his family ever calls him denny, and the corks dont exist. he is the corks.)

the real truth is though, that denver owns and operates the city’s single largest marijuana grow op. he does it all: flower, prerolls, edibles— pick your pleasure, denvers got you covered. and his shit is divine. he seems to think that it’s no big deal and rarely thinks to even bring it up, despite the fact that it’s an extremely lucrative business for him.

business is so booming, in fact, that Jack wants denver to deal for him, exclusively. denver actually refuses, preferring to do his business his own way.

denver happens to run into Arley and some of the others from orion while in town. they look extremely rough, so after chatting a while, he offers to let them come chill at his house to lay low and recover for a little while. unbeknownst to denver, this puts an even bigger target on his back, and jack later sends some lesser demons to try and kill him. orion saves the day, fortunately for denver, who again is literally just a regular human guy. this prompts Cordia to begrudgingly offer him some protection, in exchange for denver promising to never go exclusive with anyone. because cordia loves few things more than an opportunity to piss off jack.

denver and arley start seeing each other more often, and denver offers a job to their friend Kier at his farm. and it looks like jack isn’t done with denver yet.

denver didnt have the easiest childhood. he loved his mom, but she left the picture pretty early in his life. his dad wasnt great, and he remarried. his dads new wife also wasnt great. denver has a younger sister who was easily the favored child, and didnt share the same experience as denver in their upbringing at all. she grew up to be very normal, and has a kid of her own already.

denver has had trouble settling down. he’s been in a lot of toxic relationships, mostly with women who he let boss him around and mistreat him.

eventually, denver ends up in a poly relationship with arley and Rosier.

fic about denver and rosier (18+)

denver’s spotify playlist (wip)

denver/rosier/arley’s spotify playlist (wip)

smoking with denver spotify playlist

Madison “Zinc” Deacon:

madison is uhhhhhhh........... uh... yikes. they are a human with no special powers or anything. theyre pretty high-energy and fun-loving. they like to joke and tease and invade their few “friends’“ personal space. they love colorful bracelets and garfield. i dunno whats up with that. they have adhd and probable autism.

madison is a scientist. they work for a lab that studies celestials. its hardly ethical science. the lab does not treat their subjects particularly well and madison is no different.

madisons specialty, technically, is in robotics. particularly cybernetic enhancements. madison was born deaf/hard of hearing, and they designed their own cochlear implants. they make and sell all kinds of gadgets and cybernetics to help fund their hobbies outside of work.

their hobbies outside of work are kidnapping celestials and doing even less ethical experiments on them in their secret lab, in an abandoned part of the sewer under the city. ...and blogging! their penname is “Zinc”. they blog about both normal things and about their findings.

their business partner is a man named Henry, who is an even more advanced robotics buff. henry offers madison information in exchange for the fucked up gadgets henry could never dream up on his own. (last time it was taxidermy pigeon spy cameras.)

henry is the one who gives madison information about Arley, who becomes sort of madison’s white whale. except they do manage to capture them pretty easily the first time. this is when “zinc” becomes not only madisons penname, but their villain name as well.

their only other friend is Alexei the tranq guy, the guy who sells them tranquilizer so they can kidnap more people.

Jonesy:

jonesy is an employee of Denver’s! one of his star employees, in fact. denvers business operates very nontraditionally. he insists that every employee get paid salary, and that no one is required to work any set number of hours. breaks are whenever you want them for however long you wanna take them. some people take advantage of this system, but denver truthfully doesnt care. he’s happy to provide when he can, and he has more than enough means for the foreseeable future.

but jonesy is happy to do the work. he enjoys sitting in the quiet and rolling joints all day, or whatever denver needs done.

because of the salary denver pays them, jonesy can afford a pretty decent apartment on their own in the city. they keep many, many reptiles, mainly lizards. all of which have weird names like “soap” and “vape cloud”.

jonesy is pretty young, and likes to hang out and smoke with other cool people. they’ve adopted some of denvers 70′s slang, as most of his employees have.

Mateo:

mateo is the newest addition! i dont have a lot of info about him yet :)

i was going for a kind of soft punk meets jack black vibe when i designed him. he was made specifically with Curtis in mind. curtis is the live-in chef for orion and he deserves a hot bear bf.

mateo’s powers involve gaining super strength from the food he eats. the better the food, the more powerful he gets from it!

and ive talked a bit about this in other places, but ofc as a fat person myself i usually dont like when a fat characters powers are related to eating in some way. because it often comes across as a joke or like, “oh this character is only fat because their powers make them eat” or whatever other weird shit can come from characters like that. so i just want to be very clear that mateo would be fat regardless of his powers. hes fat and hes sexy and he was designed that way for curtis. and then he was given food powers because its cute to have the chef’s boyfriend power up from eating his cooking.

i havent decided much about his story yet! but i know he has good taste in music for sure. i mean, just look at him.

Ashley (aka Verrier):

poor ashley lmao

ashley is another demon who, like rosier, was brought to hell as one of sonnellion’s subordinates.

when he was alive, he was a relatively successful businessman on wall street. family business, yknow, doing his best to take after his father. he wasnt quite fit for it though, and shit went south, and he landed himself in hell.

he is, technically speaking, very powerful. he has the ability to control dark matter, and give it physical form, or turn it into a force. if not for that, he would not have been nearly as high-ranking a subordinate as he is. he worked very closely with rosier, until rosier’s disappearance. he and rosier had... some kind of relationship, for a time, until that point. they were there for each other. in more ways than one.

being the most technically powerful subordinate after rosier, sonnellion had ashley take over rosier’s position. but he was significantly less suited for it, and it got him punished severely several times over the years. he is pretty good at his job now, and it mostly involves him doing paperwork. war involves a lot of behind-the-scenes, these days.

everything gets fucked up when he gets summoned by Shae.

shae is another employee of cordia’s. they’re a new addition and sort of a wildcard. they’re a very powerful witch, and they summon ashley for their own personal gain. they strongarm him into making a deal with them, binding himself to them to make them more powerful.

(they’re going to fall in love, kind of. they have to get through their preemptively-divorced era first <3)

(he needs new art)

(cressida belongs to @ghastly-ghosty-ghost !! any ocs mentioned that arent on this list are his :) except alexei the tranq guy LMFAO)

#tw for audrey and kinda for madison !#neither of them are good people and they both do bad shit #i dont go into heavy detail but just a heads up #ocs #long long post under the cut #knock knock its knuckles #so glad to have all my guys in one post now tho #i sure do make a lot of enbies lmfao #this was a labor of love fr #last update: nov 21 2022

15 notes · View notes

ao3-sucks · 3 years

Note

my own ao3 experience was that i got into it when i was in a huge fandom that had a bunch of underage and incestuous pairings and fics. i really started getting into it when i was like fresh into middle school and not soon after that id start reading a bunch of explicit fics. basically pretty sure reading that stuff is what made me feel anxious around my 2 older siblings and like if i showed any kind of affection like even a hug or just laughing at a joke sometimes itd be seen as a sign of attraction. im in my 20s now and it still really affects me. i feel like less valid with my online trauma somehow bc i did it to myself lol.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I got manipulated by an adult into writing an extremely triggering fic about rape and abuse between two young siblings, and ended up having to draw on my own traumatic experiences for it. I pretended to be okay with it, and let them say it was my fault it was like that, and when I finally got tired of hiding it and publicly called them out on it, multiple people defended them, using that pretense against me. I still haven't fully recovered from that. Sometimes I wonder if it really was my fault.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

thank you SO MUCH for this blog, I was groomed into thinking the wildest of things were acceptable by fandom people, and it wasnt until i was about 15 or 16 that i finally wised up and dropped the thinking once and for all. thank you again and have a really good week!

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I don’t really know how old the post that talked about the experience of one of the mods with ao3 is, but just in case, this is about that post that had mentions of r//pe and @“cest. And damn, I’ve never stopped to think that my aversion to sex maybe came from my early exposure to that kind of stuff, now I know that I’m asexual, but it’s comforting to see that I’m not alone in this, so thank you for sharing your story

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

god this is probably stupid and you dont have to post this if you don't want to, but thank you so much for making this page. ive had similar experiences in online fandom and ive really struggled with classifying any of it as "real" since it was all online. that post talking about your experience with everything was really eye opening for me. thank you for reminding me im not alone.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

wrt your ao3 essay // thank you for sharing your story about ao3. ive had some similar experiences, but i never interacted with anyone on ao3, just read ff. in around a 1-2 years of consuming that content, i had developed some psychosis relating to sexual trauma, but i never had anything happen to me so i didnt really know what to think. i was just scared. its nice to know that.. it wasnt just random? that more people are talking about this? something like that. thank you. i hope you are well.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

i just read through your experiences and while i was never really involved with fanfiction during my childhood, i WAS exposed to plenty of other weird interactions on other sites starting probably as early as 11 and just realized that me starting to use the internet more probably coincides with me showing similar things such as starting to hate being touched and consider myself asexual/sex repulsed. it was nothing that i'd considered to be that impactful or big a deal before and there weren't really specific people to blame, but i definitely don't know how to feel about this knowledge now.

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

just read that post abt your ao3 experience and holy fuck, so sorry you had to go through that. but also, thank you. its scary to think tht ive cldve been in the same situation since i was browsing the internet from a v young age. i was huge into roleplaying and thereve been a few times where it became, uuh... not completely sfw (unknowingly to me, i just wanted to rp). but the moment it became too weird, i ghosted n blocked (i had a very anti-internet-stranger policy). again, thanks. take care

Anonymous said to ao3-sucks:

I was 12 when I got my first ship. I got into it because of the cute art online and I never once thought about it being bad. It was pedophilic amongst other things. I just started writing fic, so I wrote for this ship. I was asked to write straight up human AU "porn where xyz is a pedo" by people far older than me. I didn't know any better, I wrote it and every other request like it. It go so bad that I though that pedophilia was OKAY. It took me so long to unlearn that and many other things because of that ship and I still feel bad for ever having shipped it. So when people say things like "fiction doesn't effect reality" it makes me mad. It teaches little kids that things like pedophilia and rape are okay.

I opted to answer these as a group because they are all so similar. It breaks my heart how often I get anons, post replies, and reblogs about my AO3 essay from people saying that my experiences closely mirrored theirs. I hope that everyone who has sent me these messages can forgive themselves for what happened to them, and know that it’s not your fault that other people decided to take advantage of you. I’m working on healing, and I hope you can all do the same.

- Mod Daft

#testimonials #anti ao3 #ao3 critical #fandom critical #mod daft posts #Anonymous

19 notes · View notes

ronnytherandom · 3 years

Text

I forgot to watch content all week so i wrote about games ive been playing

9/2/2021: The Truman Show

You should fear your fears but embrace them and use them to guide you into the unknown, to explore and experience what life has to offer. Fear stands between you and the fullest experience of life so you must pass through it to better yourself. Heed not the walls built about you and the chains made to hold you. Though the architects insist it will preserve your life, containment is anathema to life. Do not take in faith the benevolence of powers that be; instead trust those who would support and liberate you, guide you through fear and into life.

As best I can lay it out, I think this is the philosophy of the Truman show but there is so much more to read into it also. There is critique of systems of commodification and celebrity (i.e. capitalism) reducing human beings to a consumable good as well as encouragement to find and pursue your goals despite adversity and even sensibility which is also tied to the illusion of economic responsibility. You can’t put a camera inside a human head, you can never “know” them without being an active and intrinsic part of their life, but also there is need for reciprocation. If one half exists with ulterior motive then the entire relationship is rotten; sincere humanity is what creates real connections. Without such your world is fake. A world built around one person is a world where no one can truly live. All these actors have given up basically their entire lives for the sake of watching Truman have his life built around him by outside forces, have allowed themselves to be commodified and dehumanised for the good of one man, Christoph. The man at the top has delusions of grandeur and thinks only of his own bottom line, he cares not for his subjects but simply wants them to do as he tells them because it benefits him to commodify their lives and interactions. Even then he cannot stand to lose control and in seeking to demonstrate Truman’s “realness” he structures his life so thoroughly that eventually there’s no reality left, only a script and adverts. But the people watching still empathise with Truman because everyone in the working class understands what it is to be trapped because real life is our own Truman show and one day we must all pass through fear, step out of the dome and create a real life for ourselves outside of the system of commodification which consumes everyone’s life and removes all realness and sincerity and emotional catharsis from it.

I unreservedly love this film.

14/2/2021: Assorted Game Reviews

Horizon Zero Dawn (Unfinished due to technical issues, 45 hours inc. parts of Frozen Wilds): This game is really cool and really fun. I think it is defined by its incredible setting which somehow creates a fresh feeling post-apocalyptic environment. Said environment creates intriguing alt-future lore and some very interesting environments to explore. I love the machine designs (especially tallnecks!) and was very sad to hear one of their contributing artists passed away recently but I’m glad their work lives on in this visually stunning game. I’m a sucker for Ubisoft-style open world games simply because it tickles a certain kind of itch and somehow this non-Ubisoft game has outdone Ubisoft on their own formula, which is hilarious, but also good for me as running around this world exploring and clearing map markers is engaging fun. Not least because of the combat. I have a minor criticism here that the combat feels slightly awkward on mouse and keyboard, the arrows never seem to go where I’m aiming, but aside from that the experience of fighting is a grand one. Enemies never lose their threat and I love the weak spot system the game employs which makes every tool useful in niche circumstance and rewards curiosity. It specifically manages this in a way that I feel the Witcher series could learn from if it ever returns; by making head on assault less viable and encouraging tactical hunting. I do feel this system makes hunting robots so fun that by contrast hunting humans becomes a chore however, though I noted this improves in the dlc with the addition of humans with elemental weaknesses limited in number as they are. I cannot speak for the story in entirety but what I encountered was pretty good, though I feel as if it was only just really getting going at the point where I could not continue. I find Aloy to be a compelling and well portrayed protagonist and though I can guess about her origin and the ultimate end of the alt-future apocalypse I still want to see how it plays out on screen, so will return to this as soon as I’ve fixed it.

Rimworld (122 hours. Familiar with but do not own Royalty Expansion):

Rimworld is one of those super special games that I don’t think I have a single problem with. Fair warning it can be brutal and is heavily dependent on RNG but this allows it to create truly unique and interesting scenarios on a constant basis. In the wider perspective it could be described as formulaic, with regular cycles of managing the settlement between raids and random events, but the devils in the details. Colonist traits, health and skills dictate how you play and sometimes you’ll be forced to adapt as some colonists simply refuse to perform some tasks. The depth of health particularly amuses me, in that each little part of someone’s body is modelled in a way. If you’re in a firefight you may take a single bullet which grazes your finger and you’re fine. Alternately it could pierce your human leather cowboy hat, your skull and kill you instantly and the game will tell you exactly what happened. The risk/reward element is addictive enough, and that’s without accounting for just how cool it is to see your colony slowly expand. Establishing more and more options for crafting is fun and shows off the full range of different items in the game which is fucking extensive. Between clothing, weapons, armour, sculpture and drugs to name only a few you have the opportunity to create many varied production lines either for your colonists or to trade for money and there is a lot of fun to be had here as well as it is quite satisfying to see psychoid you have grown personally become the cocaine your colonists snort to help them stay awake on limited sleep. From an archaeologist’s perspective it is especially cool to look back over your base and see the hints of how and why structures were built and remember the history of your limitations and development through structure. I think the lore of the universe is really cool too, a very 40k-esque kind of place except with far less order, somehow. But the universe does an excellent job of feeling alive and moving constantly on both a planetary and interstellar level. You can fully believe that while you build wooden shacks to shield yourself from terrifyingly low temperatures there are simultaneously rich pieces of shit living it up on the glitterworld that’s one system over. The music does an excellent job of creating the wild west frontier atmosphere the game cultivates to great effect. Ultimately, for just being a grid with a series of different numbers attached, this game does a fantastic job of creating a compelling, brutal and very real colony management experience. I dont think I can properly put into words the grandness and scope of this one. I didnt even mention the modding scene, which is expansive and tailors to basically any need you could have. The Rim is a terrifying place but theres so much fun to be had.

Factorio (86 hours, mostly 1.1): Having completed a game of Factorio I can tell you reliably that this is one of the best games ever made, thoroughly addictive and fun. If you like numbers, logistics, TRAINS, its gonna be your thing. Not to mention its probably the only documented case of a game with no bugs (so far as official forums are concerned). Strictly speaking this games combat is not the most engrossing thing but good lord do you feel it when you acquire a flamethrower. The way each aspect of the game (production, research, logistics, combat, upgrades for everything therein) feeds into the next is a really well constructed balancing act such that you must experience the full game in order to complete it and I always appreciate this kind of design. I think its one of the best tenets of factory game design especially as its something present in Satisfactory too. Beyond all of this generalised good the game is also excellent in its intricacies, the architecture necessary to build a maximum efficiency base, the level of planning and organisation that can be employed is mind-blowing. Not to mention the mod community, factorion is already an extensive experience and some mad bastards have seen fit to complicate it further, hats off to them. This really is a great moment in gaming.

Destiny 2 (198 hours, all expansions, played some post Forsaken release, mostly Season of Arrivals onwards, spent roughly £20 on microtransactions):

This is a very interesting and enjoyable experience, but I must say it can be a bit controversial at times. What its does particularly well is moment to moment gameplay and design in all aspects. The game is stunning; between environments, cosmetics, shaders ships and ghosts there’s a vast range of incredible things to see, all rooted in the “pseudo-magi-science” aesthetic it’s got going on. The class design is excellent and you really do feel like you embody this rampaging madman / agile gunman / space wizard archetype, whichever you choose to play. The abilities, especially supers, are very satisfying. Everything has heft and power behind it which can be felt in all aspects of design; sound and animation is top notch. Movement is cool, you can feel how fast you move both on foot and in vehicles and the navigation has a little fun subtlety depending on your class jump, even if you can bounce unpredictably occasionally. But for the love of god why is the wall kick in there? It has only ever served to push me from a ledge into a bottomless pit. You're looking to remove antiquated content? Start there. Some guns are not so good to shoot but there’s such a great range of guns that are fun its like complaining about one drop in an ocean; and enemies are fun to shoot at, each faction distinct in meaningful ways and presenting an effective challenge. Speaking of oceans, that’s one way to describe the lore. I haven’t dived too deep but it keeps going down forever and everything I’ve read is intriguing. As a former Elder Scrolls lore nut this is something I could definitely sink my teeth into, though its much more of a pulpy sci-fi vibe than a pure nonsense vibe. I do think the game has a bit of a loot problem, primarily in regards to the conflict between high stats and looking good. This should never be a conflict, and yes you can apply ornaments to any purple gear but that’s not enough when I spend the entire time grinding power levels and thus must change armour and weapons on a constant basis to progress. This game needs a true transmog system and if not that, rethink how gear power level works. Perhaps rather than earning new instances of gear you always possess a version of it and the loot you acquire in missions just upgrades your instance to your current overall power level? This would serve to do away with the current upgrade system which I think is a needless additional grind. Perhaps it could be retained in using enhancement cores to empower gear as present but necessitating a whole upgrade module to keep your favourite weapon on hand is kind of painful honestly. There is also at present the issue of sunsetting gear, mildly controversial to say the least. If it’s necessary to streamline the game and make it function moving forward so be it but surely loot pools should be adjusted so you can actually get useful loot from older locations? And why sunset personal instances of gear which can be acquired at the regular power level anyway? I had to throw away my favourite bow and hunt down a new version of the exact same weapon for… what reason? I do think destination navigation leaves a little to be desired also. I get that having a physical hub world is meaningful but Destiny does not have a very extroverted community; I can count the times someone noticed me in the tower on one hand. And its not even like there’s fun activities to be found in the same sense as say Deep Rock Galactic, which really does take advantage of its hub. Perhaps for players who simply want to go about their business all of the vendors could be set into a menu system where just clicking an icon takes you to their menu from anywhere in the system rather than, per se, having to go through an entire loading screen (Which takes you to orbit and back) to reach a location which serves simply as the front for four menus. These are established player problems. As a dedicated PvE player I can say that this game is immensely fun in combat and growing in power does feel really good. It’s something I recommend getting into, there’s just some very large creases that need ironing which the Bungie should really take the time to address rather than pushing out new in game content every three months.

#the truman show #horizon zero dawn #rimworld #factorio #destiny 2 #d2 #film #movies #video games #i dont know what im doing #hzd #opinion

17 notes · View notes

somnilogical · 4 years

Text

davis tower kingsley (listed here on the cfar instructor page) who harassed a cis woman about her appearance another cis women reported this to acdc (the people who wrote the thing about how brent was great) and afaict they did nothing, claims that if trans people and gay people dont "repent and submit to the pope" they will burn in hell, defended the spanish inquisitions, wrote about how the mission system werent actually abductions, slavery, forced conversions and this was propaganda, defends pretty much any atrocity that an authority, "believes" the catholic god exists and does not try and destroy them, submits to them. and so much more.

born into another era they would actually work for the california mission system and say it was good.

said thing that cached out to that emma and somni should repent and submit to the rationalist community. wrote up a rant about "how about fuck you. go lick the boots of your dark mistress anna salamon." didnt send. got kicked by some rationalist, reasoning is probably that what id say would disrupt their peaceful machinations of omnicide, would be infohazards, because... the information is hazardous to their social order.

a few of these things are subjects of future blog posts.

cfar has never hired a trans woman, i have lots of logs of them trying to do what people did to porpentine. claiming emma thinks torturing children is hot, claiming emma was physically violent, claiming emma was indistinguishable from a rapist, claiming ziz was a "gross uncle style abuser", claiming somni was enticing people to rape, claiming that anna salamon was a small fragile woman and ziz was large and had muscles. as if any of our strength or speed had anything to do with our muscles in this place. all of these things are false except relative size difference between ziz and anna which is just transmisogynistic and irrelevant.

if they lie about are algorithms claim that we are using male-typical strategies and then they can fail by these lies and be sidelined by callout posts that transfered 350,000$ from miri despite their best efforts to cover this up. (all benefited by having relative political advantagr flowing from estrogenized brain modules. men are kind of npc's in this particular game of fem v fem cyberontological warfare for the fate of the multiverse, mostly making false patriarchal assumptions that ziz was doing things for social status. like status sensitivity is hormonally mediated, your experiences are not universal. or saying like kingsley is saying that people should repent and submit to whatever authorities in the rationalist region they submit to. NO. FUCK YOU. i will not repent and submit to your abusive dark mistress anna salamon.

i knew anna salamon was doing the edgy "transfems are all secretly male" thing before i talked with ziz. it was a thing, {zack, carrie}, ben hoffman, michael vassar were also in on it. ppl had men trapped in mens bodies on their bookshelves because the cool people were reading it. didnt think she was being *transmisogynistic* about it until i talked with ziz. in retrospect i was naive.)

also? anarchistic coordination ive had with people have been variously called lex's cluster, somni's cluster, ziz's cluster by authoritarians who cant imagine power structures between people that arent hierarchical. like based on who they want to say is "infohazardously corrupting people" emma goldman had to deal with this shit too where the cops tried to say she was friends with anyone who thought anarchism made sense. people she didnt know at all who did their own anarchism. because authoritarians dont think in terms of philosophy, they think any challenge to their power is a disease that needs to be eliminated and you just need to doxx their network.

like if ziz and somni and emma were all actually infohazardous rapists as people keep trying to claim we are and then saying "oh no i didnt mean it i swear" and then doing it again. what would happen isnt that a bunch of infohazardous rapists start talking and working together for a common goal. what actually happens with people of that neurotype is they partition up the territory into rival areas of feeding on people like gangs do.

like they dont get together and start talking a lot about decision theory and cooperate in strange new ways.

not that the people lying about emma, ziz, gwen, somni and others are trying to have accurate beliefs. they are trying what all athoritarians try with anarchist groups. unfortunately for them, ive read the meta, i know dread secrets of psychology and cooperation that they claim are like painful static and incomprehensible, yet despite being "incomprehensible" are almost certainly harmful. if harm is to be judged against upholding the current regime, and the current regime is evil, then lots of true information and good things will look harmful. like ive tested this out in different social spheres what people claim is "incomprehensible" is the stuff that destroys whatever regime they are working in. like someone said i sounded like i was crazy and homeless and couldnt understand me when i pointed out that reorienting your life, your time, your money, to a human who happens to be genetically related to you for 16 years is altruistic insanity. just do the math. eliezer, anna, michael, brian tomasik all once took heroic responsibility for the world at some point in their lives and could do a simple calculation and make the right choice. none of them have children.

pretending that peoples "desires" "control them", when "desires" are part of the boundary of the brain, part of the brains agency and are contingent on what you expect to get out of things. like before stabbing myself with a piece of metal would make me feel nauseated, id see black dots, and feel faint. but after i processed that stabbing myself would cure brain damage and make me more functional, all this disappeared.

most people who "want" to have children have this desire downstream of a belief that someone else will take heroic responsibility for the world, they dont need to optimize as much. there are other competent people. if they didnt they would feel differently and make different choices.

you can see the contingency of how people feel about something on what they get out of it lots of places. like:

<<Meanwhile, a Ngandu woman confessed, "after losing so many infants I lost courage to have sex.">>

but people lie about how motivation works, in order to protect the territory of saying "well i just need a steady input of nubile fems so i can concentrate and be super altruistic!" or "i just need spend 16 years of life reorienting around humans who happen to be genetically related to me and my friends so i can concentrate and be super altruistic!" when neither of these are true. these people just want nubile fems, they just want babies. (the second one has much much less negative externalities though. you could say i am using my female brain modules to say "yeah the archetypically female strat, though it has the same amount of lying, is less harmful". but like it actually is less directly harmful. the harm from gaslighting people downstream of diverting worldsaving resources and structure to secure a place to {hit on fems, raise babies} is ruinous. means that worldsaving plans that interfere with either of these are actively fought. and the knowledge that neither of these are altruistic optimizations, neither is Deeply Wise they are as dumb in terms of global optimization as they seem initially, is agentically buried.

this warps things in deep ways, that were a priori unexpected to me.)

this is obvious, but when i talk about it, the objection isnt that it doesnt make utilitarian sense, the objection is that "im talking like a crazy person". authoritarians say this to me too when i assert my right to my property that they took, act like im imposing on them. someone else asked if i could "act like a human" and do what he wanted me to do when i was thinking and talking with my friends. all of these things authoritarians have said to me "act like a human" "talk like a normal person i cant understand you" were to coerce my submission. they construct the category of "human" and then say im in violation of it and this is wrong and i should rectify it. i am talking perfectly good english right now. you can read this.

anna salamon, kelsey piper, elle, pete michaud, and many others all try to push various narratives of somni, emma, ziz, gwen and others being in the buckets {RAPIST, PSYCHO, BRAINWASHED}. im not a rapist, im not psychotic, im not brainwashed. before ziz came along, people were claiming i was brainwashing people, its a narrative they keep reusing.

porpentine talks about communities that do this, that try and pull trap doors beneath trans women:

<<For years, queer/trans/feminist scenes have been processing an influx of trans fems, often impoverished, disabled, and/or from traumatic backgrounds. These scenes have been abusing them, using them as free labor, and sexually exploiting them. The leaders of these scenes exert undue influence over tastemaking, jobs, finance, access to conferences, access to spaces. If someone resists, they are disappeared, in the mundane, boring, horrible way that many trans people are susceptible to, through a trapdoor that can be activated at any time. Housing, community, reputation—gone. No one mourns them, no one asks questions. Everyone agrees that they must have been crazy and problematic and that is why they were gone.>>

https://thenewinquiry.com/hot-allostatic-load/

(a mod of rationalist feminists deleted this almost immediately from the group as [[not being a good culture fit]], not being relevant to rationalism, and written in the [[wrong syntax]]. when its literally happening right now, they are trying to trapdoor transfems who protest and rebel asap. just like google.)

canmom on tumblr talks about the strategic use of "incomprehensibility" against transfems. and how its not about "comprehensibility". i have a different theory of this, but her thing is also a thing.

<<Likewise, @isoxys recently wrote an impressively thorough transmisogyny 101, synthesising the last several years of discussions about this facet of our particular hell world. But that post got just 186 notes, almost exclusively from the same trans women who are accused of writing ‘inaccessibly’.

Perhaps they’d say isoxys’s post is inaccessible too, but what would pass the bar? Some slick HTML5 presentation with cute illustrations? A wiki? Who’s got the energy and money to make and host something like that? Do the critics of ‘inaccessible’ posts take some time to think about what kind of alternative would be desirable, and how it could be organised?>>

https://canmom.tumblr.com/post/185908592767/accessibility-in-terms-of-not-using-difficult

alice maz talks about the psychology behind the kind of cop kelsey piper, david tower kingsley, elle and others are:

<<the role of the cop is to defend society against the members of society. police officers are trivially cops. firefighters and paramedics, despite similar aesthetic trappings, are emphatically not. bureaucrats and prosecutors are cops, as are the worst judges, though the best are not. schoolteachers and therapists are almost always cops; this is a great crime, as they present themselves to the young and the vulnerable as their friends, only to turn on them should they violate one of their profession's many taboos. soldiers and parents need not be cops, but the former may be used as such, and the latter seem frighteningly eager to enlist. the cop is the enemy of passion and the enemy of freedom, never forget this>>

https://www.alicemaz.com/writing/alien.html

anna salamon wrote a thing implying that ziz, somni, gwen suffered some sort of vague mental issues from going to aisfp. (writing a post on this.) alyssa vance tried to suggest i believe cfar is evil because im homeless. but sarah constantin, ben hoffman, {carrie, zack}, jessica taylor (the last three who have blogged a lot about whats deeply wrong) (not listing others because not wanting to doxx a network to authoritarians, who just want to see it contained. and the disease of "infohazards" eradicated.) are not homeless and ive talked with many of them and read blog posts. and they know that cfar is fake. jessica (former miri employee) left because miri was fake.

anna and others are trying to claim that theres some person responsible for a [[mass psychotic break]] that causes people to... independently update in the same direction. and have variously blamed it on ziz, somni, michael vassar. but like mass psychotic breaks arent...really a thing, would not be able to independently derive something, plan on writing a blogpost on it, and then see ben hoffman had written http://benjaminrosshoffman.com/engineer-diplomat/ and i was like "ah good then i dont have to write this." and have this happen with several different people.

like this is more a mass epistemic update that miri / cfar / ssc / lw are complicit in the destruction of the world. and will defend injustice and gaslight people and lie about the mathematical properties of categories to protect this.

they all know exactly what they are doing, complicity with openai and deepmind in hopes of taking the steering wheel away at the last second. excluding non-human life and dead humans from the CEV to optimize some political process, writing in an absolute injunction to an fai against some outcome to protect from blackmail when that makes it more vulnerable.(see:

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/hyperexistential_separation.html

hyperexistential separation: if an fai cant think of hell, an fai cant send the universe to hell in any timeline. this results in lower net utility. if you put an absolute injunction against any action for being too terrible you cant do things like what chelsea manning did and i believe actually committed to hungerstriking until death in the worlds where the government didnt relent, choosing to die in those timelines. such that most of her measure ended up in a world where the government read this commitment in her and so relented.

if chelsea manning had an absolute injunction against ever dying in any particular timeline, she would get lower expected utility across the multiverse. similarly, in newcombs problem if you had an absolute injunction against walking away with 0$ in any timeline because that would be too horrible, you get less money in expectation. for any absolute injunction against things that are Too Horrible you can construct something like this.

a lot of humans seem to be betting on "nothing too horrible can happen to anyone" in hopes that it pays off in nothing too horrible happening to you.

the end result of not enacting ideal justice is the deaths of billions. at each timestamp saying "its too late to do it now, but maybe it would have been good sometime in the past". with the same motive that miri wants to exclude dead people from the cev, they arent part of the "current political process". so you can talk about them as if they were not moral patients, just like they treat their fellow animals.

(ben hoffman talks about different attitudes towards ideal justice coming upon the face of the earth.)

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

cev:

<<But again, we fall back on the third reply: "The people who are still alive" is a simple Schelling circle to draw that includes everyone in the current political process. To the extent it would be nice or fair to extrapolate Leo Szilard and include him, we can do that if a supermajority of EVs decide* that this would be nice or just. To the extent we don't bake this decision into the model, Leo Szilard won't rise from the grave and rebuke us. This seems like reason enough to regard "The people who are still alive" as a simple and obvious extrapolation base.>>

https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

this is an argument from might makes right. because dead people and nonhuman animals cant fight back.

->"i think we should give planning of the town to the white people, then extrapolate their volition and if they think doing nice things for black people is a good idea, we'll do it! no need to bake them in to the town planning meetings, as they are arent part of the current political process and no one here will speak up for them."

i dont plan to exclude dead people or any sentient creatures from being baked in to fai. they are not wards of someone else. enslaving and killing fellow sentient life will not continue after the singularity even if lots of humans want it and dont care and wont care even after lots of arguments.) and so much else.

the list of all specific grievances would take a declaration of independence.

like with googles complicity with ICE having a culture of trapdooring transfems (for some reason almost the only coherent group that has the moral fiber to oppose these injustices, that is p(transfem|oppose injustice in a substantiative way) is high, not necc the reverse.) who question this sort of thing.

thinking of giving sarah constantin a medal thats engraved with "RIGHTEOUS AMONG CIS PEOPLE: I HAD SEVERAL SUBSTANTIAL DISAGREEMENTS WITH HER ABOUT LOAD BEARING PARTS OF HER LIFE AND SHE NEVER ONCE TRIED TO CALL ME A RAPIST, PSYCHOTIC, OR BRAINWASHED" thats where the bar is at, its embedded in the core of the earth.

kelsey piper, elle benjamin, anna salamon, pete michaud, and lots more have entirely failed to clear this bar. anna and kelsey saying they dont understand stuff somni, emma, ziz and other transfems talk about but its probably dangerous and infohazardous and its not to be engaged with philosophically. just like the shelter people acting as if my talking about their transmisogyny was confusing and irrational to be minimized and not engaged with. just like any authoritarian where when you start talking about your rights and what is right and wrong and what makes sense they are like "i dont understand this. you are speaking gibberish why are you being so difficult? all we need you to do is submit or leave."

and no i will NOT SHUT UP about this injustice. all miri/cfar people can do at this point is say "the things these people write are infohazards" then continue to gaslight others they cant engage on a philosophical level. all the can say is that what i am saying is meaningless static and yet also somehow dangerous.

it doesnt make sense to have and raise babies if you are taking heroic responsibility for the world. doesnt make sense to need a constant supply of fems to have sex with if you are taking heroic responsibility for the world. people who claim either of these pairs of things are lying, maybe expect someone else to take heroic responsibility for the world or exist in a haze.

the mathematics of categories and anticipations dont allow for the thing you already have inside you to be modified based on the expected smiles it gives your community. this is used to gaslight people like "calling this lying would be bad for the institutions, not optimize ev. thus by this blogpost you are doing categories wrong' this is a mechanism to cover dishonesty for myopic gains.

using the above, a bunch of people colluding with the baby industrial complex get together and say that the "beat" meaning of altruism includes having babies (but maybe not having sex with lots of fems? depending on which gendered strategy gets the most people in the colluding faction) because other meanings would make people sad and unmotivated. burying world optimizers ability to talk about and coordinate around actual altruism.

openAI and deepmind are not alignment orgs. cfar knows this and claims they are, gaslighting their donors, in hopes of taking the steering wheel at the last moment.

alyssa vance says paying out to blackmail is fine, its not.

CFAR manipulated donation metrics to hide low donations.

MIRI lied about its top 8 most probable hypotheses for why its down 350,000$ this year.

anna salamon is transmisogynistic, this is why cfar has never hired a trans women despite trans women being extremely good at mental tech. instead the hire people like davis kingsley.

kingsley lied about anna not being involved at hiring in cfar in order to claim anna couldnt be responsible for cfar never hiring a trans woman.

a cfar employee claimed anna salamon hired their rapist, was angry about it. mentioned incidentally how anna salamon, president and cofounder of cfar, was involved in hiring at cfar.

acdc wrote a big thing where defended a region of injustice (brent dill) because of their policy of modular ethics. when really, if you defend injustice at any point, you have to defend the defense and the thing iteratively spreads across your organization like a virus.

miri / cfar caved to louie helm.

not doing morality or decision theory right. among which is: https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/hyperexistential_separation.html and https://emma-borhanian.github.io/arbital-scrape/page/cev.html

and so much more.

8 notes · View notes

briteboy · 6 years

Photo

okay i’m gonna be real with you. i have...a LOT...of messages. going as far back as like...january? probably? i know...i’m so bad...don’t crucify me. i tried to get through all of them but there were a lot that i didn’t have a worthwhile reply for so i’m sorry if i didn’t answer something you sent :{

so here we have: a lot of nice things, a lot of santisms, reactions to the lou and cillian punchout, a few responses to my portfolio and other stuffs...i wanted to put astrology asks in at the end but it’s...a lot more than i thought it was and it’s 3 am so i’d rather die than answer all of those LMAO sorry. i’ll get to it next time

Anonymous said:

u can delete the snorting cum asks but it will still follow you for eternity

okay so I saw the ask about snorting cum and it reminded me of a time that cum came out of my nose. It was gross but my boyfriend and I laughed it off. idk. I thought it would be a funny thing to share!! i'd understand if you didn't want this on your blog!! (maybe it makes you laugh!!)

wELL. WE’RE OFF TO A GOOD START HERE. i’m screaming at this...i hope nothing EVER comes out of my nose ever in life...i hate this but ur right it did make me laugh

(Winry anon again) Also, did you get her name from FMA Winry Rockbell because if so I love it

hehe...yes...

hornybodies

this is what bartsim calls me and i hate her for it

whats the truth bitch

I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT THIS IS ABOUT BUT I’M LAUGHIGN

i never realised how much i actually missed santi but now im CRYING AND I WANT HIM BACK IN EVERY SINGLE POST WITH LOU BY HIS SIDE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER PLEASE

I missed santirat's beautiful face there are literal tears rn

me too...i hate that i miss him so much it’s so freaking dumb...i haven’t cried to my own story in a while but i bet i’m gonna once santi’s comeback rolls around. i’m already bracing myself

nvm u can have the lovely rat back, that way my heart wouldn’t be hurting like it is now

honestly yeah that’s fair

Been silently following your blog and though I'm more of a "ghost"(? What does that even mean¿) follower, I can't help but express just how chocked I am to see Santi again OMG. Gutted Lou has had a flashback, she does not deserve this. :'(

hello casper the friendly ghost...i love having santi pop up with surprise flashbacks hehe...ur right though she DOES NOT NEED THIS in her life, but it will get better for her soon do not fret my ghoulish friend

I need more pics of Lou and Santi together I’m not satisfied, thankssss

ELI AND MIYU GETTING SO EXCIted WHEN LOU TOLD THEM SHE LIKES GIRLS MY HEART :’)

HEHEH i love it cause that’s literally how my friends and i act, it was fun to write in a scene :~} i’m glad you liked it :’}}

Yeah when I cut my hair short everyone assumed I liked girls I found it kind of odd, but I didn't care too much. It mostly just made me end up realizing all the shit lgbt people go through, one time a guy literally went up to me and my friend, my bff who no one really knew was a lesbian was terrified because he said "oh dont worry lesbians are hot, but gay guys are just disgusting" it ended up he was talking to me, i just rolled up a piece of paper as tight as I could and smacked him on the head

EWW first of all that guy can take his weird fetishization and homophobia elsewhere thanks...i’m glad you threw a paper ball at him LMAO. but yeah on one hand, coming from ignorant/straight people it’s like “uhhhh why would you assume that about me”, within the lgbt community it’s like...common ground...an inside joke...i guess? so it’s weird. the link between hair, clothes and sexuality is can definitely be harmful in certain circumstances

fiona is my spirit animal and i love her ok thanks for coming to my TED Talk

that was illuminating thank you

i re-read santis story and i s2g i've read it so many times idk, but like its so easy to read i dont mean like emotionally but it flows really well. and like its not too confusing i hate when people make overly convoluted stories in an excuse for being deep its some good shit good job my dude

AKJSDKGKSJD THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i never expected anyone to read it oNCE let alone REPEATEDLY...that really makes me so happy though because it’s definitely something you have to go back and read to catch all the details. ahhhhh thank you so much, i never ever want my story to be too complicated so i’m glad you don’t think it is!!

im crying because your recent post reminds me so much of my relationship with my mom when i was younger... she was always out of a job and sometimes we had to resort to living with other family members, it was all really hard on her and especially with having a kid she had to take care of at the same time. even though these are fictional characters, it’s comforting to know that other people have gone through the same situations i have. i love fiona and lou so much, they’re my heart and soul <3

OMG ;_________; i’m crying i’m so glad it resonates with you...i had a lot of friends growing up who were in similar situations and i think i kinda based lou and fi’s relationship on that, so you’re definitely not alone <33 i’m so glad you love them i love u

basically what I’ve learned from these asks is that Gianni is a perfect god-like human and I want one

he is. one time an anon told me they were like santi but they wanted to be rooney and i was like “i’m both santi and rooney on different days and i want to be gianni.” now u know why

hi, i just wanted to pop in and say that i really, really love your blog and i admire your editing skills SO much, i think you are EXTREMELY talented and i don't think you get told that enough. i've been following you for awhile now and i am in love with ALL of your stories, characters and edits you've put out! you're really an inspiration to me and i hope someday my edits can turn out as good as yours!! i don't have reshade so it's harder for me, but i'm trying to learn!! ok have a good day :-)

OMFG ;-; I DO GET TOLD IT A LOT AND IT STILL SEEMS FAKE...you don’t have to go out of your way to compliment me ;___; but thank you so so so much i’m crying...it makes me so giddy that i might inspire someone like WHAT...i don’t even know what i’m doing half the time i edit so u will definitely be able to catch up to me one day even if you don’t have reshade, i know it. i edited without reshade for like 2 and a half years on this blog so you can do it i promise!! have a good day/night/life i love u

fuck my succ

I'm in need of some giannti in my life

we all need some gianti in our lives

Hey! I just wanted to say that ur an amazing writer. You portray everything so well, it’s insane. I want to be a writer someday and I hope my writing is at least somewhat close to yours. Have an awesome day my dude💕

WOW I’M CRYING...i still have a lot of room to grow and so do you, i hope you are able to become the writer you want to be :’} and thank you so much for the wonderful compliment i’m emo have a great day as well

aver is my queen, confirmed.

avey is everyone’s queen confirmed

oksy but listen, look up the model Charlotte Ray Spencer

i did but i couldn’t find her?? all that came up was ray spencer obituaries in charlotte, SC LMFAO...charlotte spencer is an actress tho it seems, is that...who...? omfg

MAY I JUST OFFER THIS NEW SONG OF THE NEIGHBOURHOOD CALLED VOID BC I HAVE A FEELING SANTI WOULD LOVE IT (it's also meant for my aggressive sadboi oc)

OH I LOVE THIS IT FITS PERFECTLY WITH THE PLAYLIST I’M MAKING FOR THE NEW ERA OF SANTI...THANK YOU I’M TOTALLY ADDING IT

I had a ectopic pregnancy when I was seventeen but I feel like I got off lightly compared to Molly. Your story is so beautiful in so many ways, I think it’s incredible how much character development you’ve managed to pull off honestly I’m amazed. Thank you ❤️

omg ;_______; i don’t even know what to say to this, but it means so much to me i can’t even put it into words. thank you thank you thank you so much, and i’m so sorry you had to go through that as well. molly was an extreme case and i hope no one has to go through what she went through. i’m glad you’re okay now, and thank you so much for reaching out to me and reading my story at all ;-; <3333

just a heads up: the links button on your ccfinds blog goes to the femmefinds url still

oh yeah i know i’m gonna be real with you...i’m too lazy to fix it lmAO

Luv your stick n poke tats u posted!!! Could u do more? Maybe on diff places on the bod?? Ur so talented. Xx

omg that was FOREVER ago...maaaaaybe in the future...we shall see...but thank you <33

Can u do a family portrait for all ur characters like u did w Lou!!!

oooooh hehe i probably will in the future!!

Kill v maim is one of my favorite songs of all time omg it makes me wanna wear ripped jeans and a leather jacket and cover myself in glitter and smash some windows with a baseball bat MMMMMM

HELL yeah me too...i become a cyber punk alien vampire when i hear that song

maybe do a casting call posted here ? u have many followers and im sure a good chunk live in ur area and would be willing to model ^_^

omg SCARY...i probably could tho tbh that’s a good idea, thank you!

hi sunny, what program do you use to merge your cc and what do you use to detect and remove broken cc that just doesn't work in game anymore? thanks!

i actually haven’t merged on my new laptop yet but i used s4s for merging and there’s the mod conflict detector!!

My game hasn't been working since the first Cats and Dogs patch but I uninstalled and reinstalled and it finally works again 😭

sunny!! would you recommend your computer to play ts4 on? has it good graphics, can handle the highest settings and so? i really need a new computer but i have no idea which one to go for

yes i would recommend it!! i have reshade, ultra settings and like 8 gb of cc.

thanks for answering my ask eee ur story is probably the best ive read on here and yeah. i love how everything connects and everyones just so real. you dont have to post this i just wanted to thank you for being my inspiration and making me smile, laugh, cry, and scream in the middle of the night with your characters.

I LOVE U...it still sounds so fake to me when people say i inspire them, i don’t even know how to respond to all this ;-; just thank you for sparing a glance my way and resonating with my creations. <3 we scream and cry 2gether

I listened to Separator by Radiohead on repeat whilst reading Santi’s story and now that song just reminds me of him and Lou. I’d totally suggest listening to it’s so good! As is your story :3 xxx

oh radiohead that’s good sh*t...i’m listening to it now and i feel the santou vibes...especially when santi’s feeling out of his mind and she’s the only one who can calm him...haha cool..anyways THANK YOU!!!!

how do you make poses for the roof? i'm not sure how i can know if the sims will clip into the roof or float

honestly i just...eyeball it...because all roofs are different and you can’t put them into blender so. i just winged it lmao...i just made a pose that looked like it could’ve been lou climbing out the window, only the rig was still ground level, and then i used alt + 9 to lift the teleporter onto the roof as best as i could. that’s why it probably wouldn’t be a very practical pose to release, because i have no way of making it easy to use

Lou punched him and I knew it would happen. 😀👌 nice, nice I like Lou whopping ass.

hehe i’m glad you enjoyed it...who knew she had a freaking hook like that

ok a theory... santi went to look for molly's mother and yea

omg tell me cillian sings every other freckle at some point

OMFG well...that song came out in 2013 and the current flashback year is 2008 so. i would personally murder cillian myself if he was still in lou’s life 5 years after this honestly

hey kitty girl! i was wondering if you could answer this teensy lil question i got. im writing a "story" anddd i was trying to figure out how to make some parts not cliche. like i hate reading about whatever and being like girll ive done seen this before so i just needs to know. kisses

i absolutely love how this is worded and the fact that u called me kitty, very cute. anyway...this is pretty broad, perhaps you could clarify what kinda cliches you want to steer clear from? a lot of the time when i know something is gonna be cliche and there’s no avoiding it, i just kinda own up to it and try to subtly point out how cliche it is and somehow that makes it work out better...like being self aware somehow adds another more realistic element to the story that makes it better? idk...anyway dm me if you need help!!

so.... lou can remember more of what happened? this is good! go 2 the police bitch! tell them!!!!!!!

she should!! but the only problem is she doesn’t have proof. so... 🤔

how do you write your stories in a way that everything is organized and you're certain and not confused with everything? i mean, do you have any way for writing that let you develop your stories with not so much difficults? i'm trying to write an story for months but i only have a few of the most important events on my mind, i don't know how to develop another important details, i always feel that everything is confuse or crap

hmmmmm well my mind is very ah convoluted so it’s a wonder any of this comes out even somewhat cohesive? but basically i have a very good memory and utilize google docs a lot hahaha. i’ve gone in depth about my writing process here!

whats a good way when it comes to starting a sims story? i mean like the first post? :/

ummmmmm maybe test the waters a bit and just make a post introducing your character(s) first? or dive right in and get sh*t started. it could go either way tbh

boyish by japanese breakfast is a santixlou bop

oh sh*t!!!!!! i love japanese breakfast!! and i love this thank you!

So is lou like into cillian in a way? Making him kinda be in her type

as of right now (in the flashbacks)? HELL fucking no. but you’re right, she did say those things in the future to santi. so 🤔

Everyone guessing shit stupidly annoys me haha. I'M UNOBSERVANT AND I DON'T WANNA GO BACK AND CHECK SHIT, LET ME LIVE. *Like* if you a ~dum~ reader who doesn't want every bit of foreshadowing called out. lol

i respect this honestly whenever i drop the hottest foreshadowing of 2018 i never expect my inbox to flood like it does but here we are and i am amazed

CILLIAN NEEDS TO FUCKING FIGHT ME (TYPING THIS ON MY COMPUTER BC I SAW HIS DINOSAUR ASS AND CHUCKED MY PHONE OUT THE WINDOW)

i’m screaming...i’m so sorry it’s my fault about your phone but like also i’m poor i can’t pay for that

i'm studying your latest posts because they're beautiful and my hatred for that long necked bitch is intensifying -- what makes me burn even more is that he's still wearing her necklace, can we say let the bitch burn?

burn babey burn

Why don't you use quick tags?

i’m dumb is why

CILLIAN IS SUCH A SHITASS I HATE HIS FACE WHY R U DOING THIS TO ME

BRUHHHHH THE DINOSAUR LOOKIN ASS BOY IS B A C K run

WAIT THE NECKLACE. HE STOLE THE MCFUCKING NECKLACE BROOOOO

What if Fi's blue eyes are from... Cillian..?

wHY did you have to make him cute and fucking cool though? I still hate him but it's harder.

NVM I JUST LOOKED AT THE POST AGAIN HES WEARING HER NECKLACE INHOPE SHE CHOKES HIMS WOTH IT THIS TIME

I SCREAMED AT THIS SERIES OF QUESTIONS OISDFNGJKDSKJN yeah sorry he’s conventionally attractive but unsettlingly so and i feel uneasy when i look at him and plus the fact that he’s literally evil so .

im like, to 90% sure that cillian is in ace joker. so that song might have reminded lou of him...

this was sent right after that scene of lou hearing the song at pippin’s, so

My conspiracy theory is that cillian is Lou's father. Speakimg of which are we gonna get to that soon, I'm dying of curiosity;.;

I’M LAUGHING I THINK U MEANT FIONA’S FATHER AKSJDKJGDSJ but yeah well. You’ll See

what do u resize ur photos to?

whatever 33% of 1920x1080 is i forget. i have a resizing + sharpening action so i just run that

im about to kill those kids if they keep fucking with my baby

THESE BITCHES BULLYING MY BABY LOU? CATCH THESE HANDS

me @ these ugly kids:

Who are the best creators for mens clothing? I struggle so much to find good cc creators with men specifically!

badabing badaboom

I’m not sure if you’ve converted things before but do you know any good sims 3 cc to sims 4 tutorials? Or your followers?

errrrrr i have no idea i’m sorry :x

would you consider making like a photoshop psd file with all the layers in your editing process?

omg...heck no it would be so unhelpful OMFG mostly because my editing is just my own action + shading and highlighting unique to that pic

would you ever do an editing timlapse of your gameplay pics? 💖💖

ahhhhh maybe!! probably in the future!

OMG HEATHERS WAS FILMED AT MY HIGH SCHOOL AND IM JUST HYPED UP SEEING IT BEING MENTIONED ON THIS ACCOUNT!!

OMFG THAT’S RAD...i’ve literally only seen it once tho i’m fake

I'M SHOOK. my friend kinda asked me out and I wanna say yes but my parents won't let me date. I'm 18! I need your advice! -signed 18 and alone anon

um UR 18 BUDDY UR AN ADULT...DATE WHOEVER THE F*CK U WANT HONESTLY

Can you pretty please link some photoshop tutorials you recommend? I really want to make my photos more cinematic and like your's without totally copying you or someone else. All I do right now is sharpen, color balance, and add some noise and then resize. I really need some more ways to get better looking photos such as yours.

ahhhhh the problem is i don’t know of any i’m sorry...lmao this is totally unhelpful :\ i have my own editing tutorial which is outdated but can probably help you out with the basics of lighting effects and shading n stuff?

Heyyy, I saw that you answered a question about making a ps action like your reshade, and I just wanted to say that I would love that! Unfortunately Mac users like me, can’t use reshade unless boot camping Windows onto our computers...☹️ and your reshade is just soooo pretty...

i don’t know if i’ll be able to replicate the reshade effect totally but i could release the action i’ve made for myself? it warms up screenshots but is totally adjustable to your liking for different color tones so in that way it’s kinda similar to the reshade. i’ll seeeeee what i can do...i know the woes of mac users all too well, my friend

i just wanna give lou a big ol cozy hug :o((( pls

pls hug her she needs it.

Do you post on tumblr from your phome or from your computer? Just curious.

mostly from my computer, sometimes i answer messages on my phone while i’m out and you can tell because autocorrect actually makes me use proper capitalization for once in my life

how many hours have you played the sims? for me i have 4,070 hours. haha help

OMFG i think mine is like...900 or something...i can’t tell if that’s too much or too little, but it’s definitely inaccurate

if i could only look at one person's tumblr from now on it would be yours. ur literally the queen of tumblr #shookaf and also i really hope i die before you ever say ur leaving tumblr cause when u do, i will legit die and bury my own grave. i really appreciate u and hope one day i can be on ur level but rn im at level 1.5 while ur up in the millions :D

I’M SCREAMING PLEASE I AM A PLEB.............i cry u flatter me too much ;-; i genuinely hope i never leave this place because it’s been so fun and it’s helped me evolve so much as an artist and a writer, plus i made some of my greatest friends on here. so i hope that day never comes!! but who knows life is wild. anyway i’m sure you’re actually like at level 578 and are just being modest. it’s okay you don’t have to be humble

i think its so cool that you and wanderlust and other simmers use multiple worlds to make your own town and stuff. idk why but thats just so cool to me and i would have never thought of it. love your blog and story <3

omg!!! well i couldn’t resist, i love a bunch of them and can’t limit myself to just one ya know. plus the more i thought about it, the more my gen 2 story kinda centers around these kids from this one town and the town itself is very relevant. so i felt like i had to make my own!! and i’m very excited to get started with that hehe

I just met a guy named Rodrigo Santiago and I sCREAMED HOLY SHIT

Update (tho idk of you got the first one): I just got a text from a classmate named Rodrigo Santiago. I'm sCREECHING

no freaking way. there’s no way i don’t believe...i want proof...

YOU SO FUCKIN PRECIOUS WHEN U SMILE

dont worry about posting this or do idc but i just wanted to say you should write about whatever you want and not care about whether people think you condone it or not. if i (a gay male) were to write about lesbians its not like im saying YOU HAVE TO BE LESBIANS BLAH BLAH BLAH you know what i mean? or if im writing about a robbery doesnt mean im like condoning robbery so like idk you do you boo and keep it coming ;D ilysm btw

OMFG no yeah i get it, i mean i think now especially in this online environment, people are hyper aware of Problematique things and so they’re a little too quick to point fingers without looking deeper than the surface. and whatever it’s fine people are always gonna be like that because people are mostly inherently judgmental, especially when it comes to consuming media. artists/writers face stuff like this all the time because people refuse to look past the surface, hence why works have gotten misconstrued all the time. but yeah i really appreciate this sentiment, thank u i love u

hope this isnt a weird question but what is the image size that u used for your character page?? thnk u 💕

omg it’s 300x300

have u listened to visions of gideon by sufjan stevens i was listening to it while reading ur stories and it made me so :(

oh my boy sufjan aka gianni’s personality claim i love him...and this song is :{ but i love even if it’s from the nasty age gap peach fucking movie

If i was married to Jamie and he treatin’ our daughter like that… oh I swear HES GOT TO GO!

it’s 2 am i’m so tired answering all of these i forgot who jaime was for a sec i was like um why are we talking about GoT anyways good night

how does alpha hair work with reshade? it seems so good in your screenshots and i’ve seen that in others screenshots it looks bad? whats the secret?

well good morning haha jk i never went to sleep anyway here u go

hooow do you make adorable toddlers in ts4?? teach me, gimme some advice please :(((

chubby cheeks! big eyes! small faces! little but plump lips! a good skin! dats all

how did u get ur sim onto the fire escapes?

ze teleporter mod, that’s it

I snickered at the, THE RETURN OF SANTI. Like I imagine it written in red horror lettering and santi just busts down the door and says ho ho ho im back bench, Did U miss me?

honestly i own a calendar and if i knew a definite date u already fucking kNOW it would be up there

ahhh im sorry for asking but im wondering how you find voice claims?? i'm looking for some for my sims, but it's tough to find one that's *right*, you know?? and your voice claims are great!! thank you <3

OMG voice claims are HARD, i literally just like “collect” them over time...i have a list in my phone of voices i like/may use in the future lmao, but try to think of actors or musicians and search interviews/movie or tv scenes with them speaking!!

i don't even read your story but i still follow you because i love your personality, sim style and just your whole entire tumblr

u follow me for ME? UM...what are u doing here...i’m so sorry (i love u...)

do you have a different reshade preset for flashback screenshots and for the present ones?

i do not!! i just edit differently

what happened to the honeycomb?

OMFG it’s still there...but we legit haven’t seen it since girooni’s wedding so um...it’s gonna have to get a makeover. i’m gonna do it when girooni come back home so i can finally show rupi working there like...wow...she deserves to be seen

lou's dad is the biggest asshole and i am waiting for the day that bitch dies

us when he dies

shit theory: caroline goes to find and confront cillian about what he did in teen lou timeline. care ends up forming a crush on cillian and goes back to meet him several more times, but cillian ends up liking lou more which makes caroline jealous. and that's why they don't speak currently, 'cause cillian ruined lou's life in more ways than one.

uM holy fuck that’s all i got to say

pls tell me that Caro killed the dude that choked Lou (or beat his ass)

god i hope so !

how many people do you follow? are you “strict” with who you follow?

i follow 264 people and yeah i’ve gotten a bit stricter with it just cause like...i only want to follow people whose content i truly care about/will actually notice on my dash

would you ever do a sim dump?

probably in the future, it seems like people want more male and female sims from me SO

ramona got some moves tf

the girl is out here bobbing to the chicken dance like nobody’s business

have u seen the end of the fucking world? if u did what are your #thots

UM......................i watched the first episode ‘cause i heard so much about it and um.............................it was so bad OMFG i hated it. way too edgy for me. completely missed the mark. not into it at all. hard pass

CAN LOU PLEASE HAVE A MAN IN HER LIFE WHO IS NOT A COMPLETE TWAT PLEASE

HOPEFULLY ezra will follow through with that and i don’t necessarily mean in a romantic way but like...as her new roommate MAYBE he will be a blessing we can HOPE

I'm not sure if you've been asked this or not, but your poses are so good and I was wondering if you have ever considered making a pose pack? Sorry if this came off as rude! I love your posts!

i will probably in the future!! but first i gotta figure out which ones i’d actually include

okay so this is random but I just wanted to say that I absolutely love your sims stories. Everything is so perfect and I'm forever shook because I can't believe the "sets" you use are actually the game. Your sims are so fleshed out and you are a huge inspiration to me. Anyways sorry if this was weird but I'm like obsessed with ur blog. bYe

AJHSDHJFSD THANK YOU!!!!!!! yes somehow we work miracles into this game can u believe it...ahh but thank you so much, it means everything that i would inspire you in any way...like what...omg

Santi is actually standing outside present Lou’s apartment wondering where the fuck he went wrong

he’s been there for 6 months just on the street standing there please someone let him in .

LOUUUU OH MY GODDD SKKDSNSJDH MY BABY. SO THATS HOW SHE GOT THE SCAR. WOW

there it is fellas. this message is sooooo old i’m so bad

Have you read/heard of The Lunar Chronicles

i have not!! but i’ll jot it down!

I was wondering if you’ve ever had any problems with skins? For me some on the palm side of the hand it’s noticeably darker than what the skin is supposed to be.. like the rest comes out find but the hands are darker.

hmm...that’s weird, i haven’t seen that. i think it probably depends on the skin? or maybe your sim detail settings?

santi my daddy, honeybodies my mommy, lou looking like a cutie when she saw dat tiny puppy. my name is rappin anon, and i just wanted to say, ur are my favorite simblr basically saving my day. rappin anon OUT

o...my god

i love u

i love u...

#nonsims #saviorhide #sunny answers #where is the anon that loves these...i always think of you when i make these...enjoy

52 notes · View notes

paraclete0407 · 3 years

Text

‘Nuke Milwaukee’ a.k.a. ‘Operation White Summer’ - this is not hate-speech or incitement but a sketch of what ‘could’ happen and why

Someone told me to grow a beard and someone else told me to shave - I like to shave, I went without shaving and a lot of salt-of-earth b/Black people literally started spitting at me and stuff like, ‘This isn’t the male prostitute I ordered that Kendi / Mao assured me I would get by dint of racial privilege in history’ - mental illness, demons, cauldron-Babylon. You are not supposed to provoke people’s hate and murderousness that I know of. Santa Mao and the great fairy-tales-are-all-real explicators / intellectual entrepreneurs and propagandists; ‘The Unoriginal Sinner and the Ice Cream God.’

I speculated that ‘Rex Imperator’ Vladimir V. Putin could be the most powerful man ITW today and perhaps in all human history due to his extreme intelligence, responsibility, having been on the scene at amazing moments. There was a book about Russia I saw that decided to call WW2 Eastern Front ‘Great Fatherland War’ instead of ‘Great Patriotic War’ although the Russians themselves also used a phrase, ‘Holy Mother Russia.’ A biography of Zhukov whose author prefaced, ‘Really I would’ve preferred to write about KK Rokossovsky of Op. Bagration’ - me too! I kept thinking about Bagration and how many families both German and Russian kept their sons and futures due to the extreme ferocity and much else that is hard to describe about sort of eagle-clawing the throat out of Army Group Center. KKR was actually part Polish, was tortured, known for being gentlemanly. End digression: Russians and Eastern Europeans know a lot about violence and also how to keep trying to do the right thing even after very bad things happen to them. More to the point: they succeed. In MS we mocked Poles but Poles saved Christendom at the Siege of Vienna; people never say this but they also fought longer and harder than France in WW2. They are beautiful important people; I never met a Pole who lacked determination and frankly a belief in ultimate victory.

Around here I made one last attempt to heal my past w/ a book about people in and from Shanghai and then went to the Starbucks where I used to practice Korean and penmanship, the barista was like, ‘Oh! You went to the bookstore?’ I don’t know how to reply. What are people doing?

At H-Mart, ‘someone to love.’ People on the verge of war make snap-decisions that determine their lives; however, these stories can still end up subsumed or engulfed in much larger circumstances - which looks good and beautiful in Hollywood but. I’m reminded of a gas-chamber scene in ‘Life and Fate’ in which a woman ‘adopts’ a young boy in the last moments of their lives on this Earth. One wants to find someone, some o/Other, to cover sacrificially, while the flames roll over or one body catches fire on its back but extinguishes the fire on the other; from what I know about napalm OTOH it can ignite water. My point is - all of this happened to people in non-America and they kept going; they worked harder; they kind of said pace Brothers Karamazov, ‘I am more responsible than all the others.’ Kyungsook Shin was wrapping 24,000 pieces of candy per day or so she claimed. ‘Manual labor makes one honest.’

People are like ‘Say the name of one person who died and let’s demand that David Johnston shave or we’ll infect him with a bioweapon ad maiorem Maoem gloriam.’ That’s psychopathic malice + the barista is like ‘The High Toned Christian Woman’ - ‘civil madam...’ But if you read Isaiah all the ladies are getting stripped and stuff which sort of happened in GoT from what I understand but GoT was more commercial revenge-pornography written by white people for white people or rather for Mammon. I feel attached to the 1990s; I liked the Beethoven-derived and much-remixed and re-sung song ‘Hope’ and esp the last ‘Culture Humanity’ concert; it struck me most of Girls Gen were born in 1989, the year of Berlin and Tiananmen. But - nothing near as bad as Leningrad, Stalingrad, the Holocaust, Hiroshima, etc. has even happened to Milwaukee and, it, shows. I used to walk around [Korea] reflecting, ‘Here I am in the walled rose garden guarded by military angels and entrusted with the chance or chances of numerous children’s lives whose world is the apartment, the school the church the cram school the piano cram school, Mom’s hand, the pellucidity and “innocence of objects” in the department stores.’

I wanted to tell Mike Pompeo about this because Rose Gardens are very important and Korea is very very important; I really wanted him to be President after the Rose Garden b/c I felt, ‘This guy doesn’t care about “persona” and he’s not saying everything he can or trying to pretend he understands everyone in the present or will give them stuff he is just talking in “noun-truths,” life, China, people, truth, trust, distrust.’ America is still like, ‘Let’s remember Hitler’s personality.’ No! Did Pompeo state a falsehood? Did he promise or offer stuff? Did he tell people what’s good and bad or what it’s OK to hope for? Is he trying to teach anyone anything or is he being, doing, having, working?

I do not believe America can out-lie or out-charm or if I’m being honest out-beauty the Chinese. I definitely don’t believe ‘we’ can out-math the Chinese. I know a bit about how they teach math in SG. It is far from magic and it’s also not your football coach. IDK everything but I cannot easily conceive of chaining these flaxen-haired Midwestern girls to IV-drips while they cram for college entrance exams; they might do diet-pills and stuff a la ‘All Loves Excelling’ but that is not a happy story! She dies; moms blog. This novel haunts me but if we convert it into prophecy what is it saying? It’s saying ‘failure of education; failure of America; Changrae Lee novel (Gesture Life) for white people who think Korean stuff only happens to Koreans.’

The Episcopalian Church today talks about Christ and consciousness which I believe is important since I am conscious person but the local pastor also talked about ghosts and life and it really baffled me. Category of consciousness as opposed to knowledge, or pre-programmed reaction, or ‘calling it as one sees it.’ In a way I associate consciousness with a poem by Tagore called ‘Unending Love.’ Holding the consciousness of b/Being, the permanent presence or at least permanent abiding awareness of the reality of the o/Other near or far.’ Another banned book I hoped never to talk about again was ‘The Elementary Particles’ which is full of pornography and hate and anti-family anti-mom rhetoric and its author really didn’t help himself in some ways - I also love his poem ‘Liquid Birth’ however. In the end of ‘Elementary’ the future-historian writes about a transition / conversion from an ‘ontology of space’ to an ‘ontology of states.’ That’s an important idea which also reaches back, for instance in Houellebecq’s mind, to the medieval man’s constant testing of his state of grace or sin.

But, what permanently changes the bases, groundwork, foundation, or ‘metalanguage-basis’ for the mental awareness of ‘historical moment?’ What decisive kind of event could stop the mind from going back to the easy and complacence-generation assumption that every experience can be filed away in a library thus enabling one to return or regress to a prior mindset and self-consciousness or ‘internal identity-theory-engine.’ What comes to my mind is, ‘losing everything.’ People believe they can eat up everything and blog about it.

I don’t know if I can make a clear case for this but I just feel like ‘Milwaukee Torch Parade’ is not the way to go. It reminds of something really dumb John Updike said after 9/11 that totally missed the point - Chancellor John Piper might have said ‘Don’t Waste Your Terror-Attack’ - about America’s realizing that it was not that great to get richer and richer and watch talk-shows and that were many possible friends, converts, human lives / souls, whom a very little of our treasure could help in big ways. Right after 9.11 before ‘Operation Infinite Justice’ there was the sense that everything would be different; ‘death of irony’ might have missed the point but the idea that we could live by direct declarative statements and avowals rather than conversations and Tory-doubts was a good idea and only then instead of ‘bread and lilies’ we spent a huge amount of money on bombs that suck out people’s eyeballs and collapse their lungs... I’m not even saying it is wrong to build amazing weapons because God’s an amazing masculine being - the amazing - but there remains the category of ‘permanent lessons.’ The drawing of unerasable lines that provide a demarcation.

Anyway I just feel like they’re not enforcing posted laws, there are all these weird modded cars and motorcycle maniacs, they lock up drunks while apparently bypassing sex-slaves, I get lectured about people freezing to death by my parents who own like 20-30 jackets and then my mom is like ‘Your father [Freudian excuse from 60 years ago].’ This is not how Eastern Europeans and Russians do things. From what I know this is not how human history has worked for most people.

0 notes

turtlesoupstories · 7 years

Text

A Medical Emergency Pt.2

Howdy friends! It’s wee bairn Marlo, coming to you live from a family holiday to Montreal. So many of you asked for a second part to my prompt surrounding doctor Claire and patient Jamie, which I have since dubbed A Medical Emergency (which you can read here). And, considering how angsty the last few TSS fics have been (blame Kaitlyn and Mikayla), I figured it was time to deliver some fluff for your amusement!

As always, a major thank you to my Kilt Kult buddies and fellow TSS mods for keeping me on track and reassuring me that my writing isn’t trash. Also, I owe all of you a major shout out as well, as I would never have written this fic without your overwhelming positive response. So, thank you thank you thank you from the very bottom of my heart!

Enjoy!

It was two weeks before Claire could stomach facing Jamie again. The surgery had been a success, and Claire had meticulously mended the shattered bones of Jamie’s hand. She hadn’t counted on the infection that set in, keeping him bedridden and feverish for nearly a week. Claire couldn’t help but feel responsible.

“It happens all the time LJ. I wouldn’t worry about it.” said Joe Abernathy, Claire’s fellow doctor and hospital confidante. She knew that there was nothing she could have done, that infections happen and it was out of her control, but the thought of seeing Jamie in more pain, with even the smallest chance of it being by her hand, was too much to bear. She didn’t know what is was about this Scot: his bull-headedness, the way his nose crinkled when he smiled at her as she was wheeling him into surgery, or how peaceful and innocent he looked under anesthesia, the softness of his face making him look like a child. Whatever it was, Claire found herself experiencing feelings she had never felt before, and it left her simultaneously terrified and exhilarated.

It was a Tuesday afternoon, and Claire had just finished a run of the mill appendectomy. Granted with a brief reprieve, she quickly cleaned herself off before heading to the on-call room, eager to take a quick rest before her pager summoned her again. Unfortunately, she found herself having to cross through the recovery wing, where Jamie lay behind the closed door of room 263. Claire had continued to follow his case, coercing nurses into providing valuable intel on his condition and moral.

“Yes, he is eating.”

“No. He doesn’t have a fever.”

“If you’re so interested Doctor, why don’t you go ask him yourself?”

Still, Claire refused to step foot in that room. The nagging guilt in her stomach surrounding his prolonged hospitalization, coupled with the more puzzling stirrings deep in the pit of her stomach, wouldn’t allow her to walk down the white tile hall leading up to his room. Unfortunately, she currently had no other option.

She went by as quickly as she could, keeping her head down and praying that no one would stop her.

“Doctor Beauchamp!”

Claire grimaced as she heard her name and reluctantly turned around to face her summoner.

“Ah, Mrs. Murray. I hope all is well?”

“Aye. Things have been goin’ on well enough for me, though I canna say the same about my brother.”

Claire felt her heart drop. Had something happened to Jamie? Was the infection back? The cold white walls of the hall seemed to stretch out before her, and her head began to spin. She wanted to respond, to ask Jamie’s sister, Jenny, what was wrong. But for the first time, Claire couldn’t find the words.

Jenny saw the distress in Claire’s eyes. “He’s been askin’ for you.” she said, “Said that you owed him a date.”

He remembered that? Claire thought, shocked that after weeks, a major operation, and a bout of illness, Jamie still remembered the date she had promised.

Claire felt her cheeks go hot. “I guess I do… I just wasn’t sure if-”

“If he was being serious? Doctor Beauchamp, ye may not have known my brother long, but you oughta be able to tell that it wasna the pain speaking when he asked to see you again. I canna tell you why, but ye seem to have him wrapped around your dainty English finger.”

Claire was left dumbfounded. Maybe whatever nagging feeling in her gut that had been plaguing her since her first meeting with Jamie Fraser was mutual. Or, maybe he wanted to see her to ask what she did wrong, how horribly she had failed to keep him in hospital for an extra week, at least.

“I'll try and see him as soon as I can; I promise. But I really have to get going now, a doctor’s work never ends.” She slowly backed away. “It really was nice to speak with you again, Mrs. Murray, and I’m happy to hear that Mr. Fraser is recovering well. Give him my best.” And with that, Claire practically sprinted down the hall, feeling Jenny’s eyes burning into her back until she turned the corner.

Forgetting about her intent to rest, she pushed open the door to the women’s room, pushing into a stall, unsure whether she was about to throw up, burst into tears, or some combination of the two. She sat, chest heaving, her head in her hands, breathing in the sanitary scent of her post-surgery, anti-bacterial soap.

Pull yourself together Beauchamp. You’re a bloody doctor for Christ’s sake!

Slowly, Claire felt herself begin to calm, her hands stopped shaking and her heart no longer felt like it was going to burst from her chest. She left the stall, and stared at herself in the warped mirror over the sink, splashing water on her face and running a hand through her knotted curls. She thought about what Jenny had said; Jamie wanted to see her.

She knew she couldn’t hide any longer, and it was time to face the music. Taking a steely breath, and making one final adjustment to her hair, Claire escaped the rest-room and made her way to the cafe.

Arms laden with all of the delicacies the hospital had to offer, Claire stood outside of Jamie’s room, unsure what was awaiting her inside. Was she about to face the angry wrath of a man betrayed by his doctor, or was she going to find the same stubborn, exuberant face she had met in the A&E? Regardless, she had no other choice than to face him. Shifting the food in her arms, Claire quickly rapped at the door, her heart racing as she heard his Scottish lilt.

“Come in.”

Claire fumbled with the door handle with sweaty palms, hardly the dexterous fingers used just hours ago as she sutured the abdomen of her patient. She entered the room frazzled, taken aback by how utterly bare it was. Jamie lay in his bed against the wall, an IV slowly dripping antibiotics into his arm. Where patients normally had the walls decorated with well-wishes from loved ones or the doodles of a young relative, the walls of Jamie’s room remained starkly white. There were no cards on the table, nor flowers, save for the traditional bundle of forget-me-nots left by nurses wilting in a hideous ceramic vase. Jamie was reading a book, but she couldn’t make out the title from where she was stood. It didn't matter, he set the book aside as soon as she entered the room.

When he saw her, his face lit up like the sun.

“Ach! Doctor Beauchamp, I wasna expectin’ you. If I had known you would be payin’ me a visit, I would have made myself look a bit more presentable.”

In all honesty, Claire couldn't complain about his appearance. The whiteness of the room made the red of his hair glow like flames, and the periwinkle of his hospital gown made his blue irises shine. It made her feel self-conscious, the horrid green of her scrubs making her look ill, and her hair hastily gathered into a bun on the top of her head. But his warm reception eased her trepidations and made the corners of her mouth lift into a smile.

“Well, I had promised you a date, and I felt it was about time I followed through.”

She pulled up a chair next the the bed, and lay out the assortment of snacks she had brought.

“I would have brought some actual food, but I didn’t want to poison you. So, pre-packaged it is.” She waved her hands over the assembled pile of crisps, muffins, sandwiches, and bottles of juice.

Jamie gave the food a skeptical look, before turning to Claire and grinning.

“‘Tis a feast worthy of God himself!”

And so they settled in, Claire’s fears quickly forgotten as she and Jamie slipped back into the quick rappeur they had shared during their initial meeting. The conversation started playfully enough, Claire inquiring about how he was feeling, and whether he was finally going to admit to the extent of damage he had taken during the brawl.

“I didna want to start anything, but the way I saw him treating the lass had me boiling.”

Claire snickered, “Chivalry isn't dead after all. You’re a modern knight in shining armour.”

Jamie, as gallantly as he could confined to a bed, bowed with a flourish, kissing Claire’s hand without ever taking his eyes off of hers.

The electricity in the room was palpable. Time seemed to slow significantly as Claire and Jamie conversed, toasting their bottled grape juice and exchanging tales about their childhood. He recounted the chaos of Lallybroch, where he was able to run wild through the highlands, causing all sorts of mischief. She told tales of her worldly adventures with her Uncle Lamb, traveling the world on archeological digs.

“But why did you go with your uncle?” Jamie asked, “Wouldn’t it have been simpler to have gotten a traditional education with your parents in England?”

She sobered, putting down the blueberry muffin she had been picking at. “My parents died in a car accident when I was young. My uncle was the only family I had left…”

He placed a comforting palm on Claire’s hand, his thumb making soothing circles over her porcelain skin.

“I ken how ye feel... my mam passed when I was a lad; Da followed her shortly thereafter. Most people say he died of a broken heart.”

It was Claire’s turn to comfort, leaning forward and brushing a stray auburn curl out of his face. Their noses were nearly touching, and she breathed in Jamie’s rugged highland scent. Despite the overwhelming sanitary odor that permeated the air, Jamie radiated the scent of the outdoors: a mixture of pine and musk, leather and whisky. It made her dizzy. The pair sat in silence for a moment, taking each other in as if the other would disappear at any moment. She could feel his eyes boring into her, memorizing every last angle of her face, and she found herself floating away in the azure of his eyes.

“You were the first thing I thought about,” Jamie said suddenly, breaking the spell that had rendered them silent. “I ken it sounds daft, but when I woke up after the surgery, the only thought in my mind was your name. Claire.”

“Well...” She murmured, a smile at the corner of her mouth. “That would imply that I was the last thing you were thinking about before you went under anaesthesia.”

“Aye. I guess that you were.”

The pair slid into a state of tranquil silence, content just to be in each other's company. Claire wanted to ask Jamie if he blamed her for the infection, but she knew just what his answer would be. It seemed utterly impossible for Jamie to find a fault in his former doctor; she could tell just from observing the adoration in his eyes. It made her heart swell knowing that she could spend just a few hours with someone and have this coursing stream of affection serving as a tether between the two of them. It was something she didn’t want to lose.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why me?” Claire asked hesitantly, her fingers tracing up and down the thin cotton bedspread, leaving soft indentations in their wake. “You didn’t know me. I could have been a bloody monster for all you knew, yet you still asked me on this ‘date’; I just... don’t understand.”

“I dinna ken it either, Sassenach, but the moment I saw you in the ambulance bay, I needed to know you. There are no words to explain the way I feel about you. It sounds daft, but I think I may be falling in love with you, Dr. Claire Beauchamp.”

In the past, a similar declaration would have sent Claire running for the hills. The very notion of being in love terrified her. It was a completely foreign feeling that she had yet to experience. Yet, sitting beside Jamie in his hospital bed, surrounded by crumpled food wrappers and crumbs, Claire she knew that whatever feeling Jamie was describing- regardless of whether it was love- she felt it, too. She struggled in vain to come up with a response, but her head was addled with thousands of thoughts.

Am I losing my mind?

Is it morally wrong to see a patient?

What if we’re both wrong?

She opened her mouth to speak, Jamie’s eyes tuned to her in anticipation for her response. The door flew open, revealing a very flustered Joe Abernathy.

“Jesus, LJ, where have you been? It’s all hands on deck, multi-car collision, multiple code blues. We need you down in the A&E!”

“I’ll be right down.” Claire responded curtly, giving Jamie an apologetic look.

“It’s alright, Doctor. Duty calls. I’ll still be waiting here when ye’re done.” Jamie smiled softly, and before she knew what she was doing, Claire found herself leaning across the bed and kissing him. He made a surprised noise in the back of his throat, but didn’t pull away. Her hands found their way around his neck and she could hear the heart monitors rapid beeping, giving away Jamie’s racing heart. It wasn’t until Joe cleared his throat that Claire snapped back to reality and pulled away sheepishly.

She jumped off the bed, straightened her scrubs and raced out of the room, leaving a stunned Joe Abernathy and a stupefied Jamie in her wake.

A sharp British shout echoed from down the hall, “Joe, are you coming?”

He looked out the door, then back at the red-headed patient sitting in the hospital bed in front of him, struggling to piece together what he had just witnessed.

“Hell of a first date!” He joked before escaping the room in search of Claire, leaving Jamie alone with the feeling of Claire’s lips pressed against his own.

Hell of a first date, indeed!

178 notes · View notes

imagineclaireandjamie · 7 years

Note

What if Claire made Jamie's first time amazing?

[Happy to oblige, anon, but lbr, is there any universe in which Claire *doesn’t* make Jamie’s first time amazing? ; ) -Mod Bonnie]

Hail Mary, Part X

[Quite NSFW]

Premise: What if Jamie and Claire had 1) been more openly affectionate in those early days, and 2) not *had* to get married?

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII Part IX

When I awoke, I was startled to find that I wasn’t on Jamie’s horse, but tucked up snugly in a blanket under a rowan tree.

Alone.

“Jamie??” I bolted into a sitting position, scanning the darkened clearing, feeling my senses reeling as they struggled to place me in space and time. The air when we’d handfasted had been moist and deliciously cool, not this warm, dry stillness that was making the silence of the wood resonate so ominously; and I could have sworn the elevation had changed—that I was up very much higher indeed than any other time on our journey from Leoch. And most terrifyingly of all, the horses were tethered nearby, but there was no sign of Jamie or our baggage anywhere.

“JAMIE?” I called again, panic starting to gather as I staggered to my feet. “JAMIE??”

I whirled as hasty footsteps came crashing through the underbrush behind me, but thank God, it WAS Jamie. “Och, so she’s awake, at last!” he said, grinning. His face fell as he saw my expression, and he caught me up tight against him as I threw myself into his arms. “Oh, lass, ye didna think I’d ever leave ye?”

“No, you brute, but you could have been captured—” I gasped out against his neck as I kissed it, not crying, but my heart thundering even as I tried to hide my lingering panic, “I thought Dougal had caught up with you.”

“No’ a chance, a nighean,” he promised warmly, holding me close. “All safe and sound.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “How long was I asleep, then?”

“Nearly a full day,” he said, confirming my suspicion. “Ye fell asleep on the horse wi’ me last night and havena woken once, ‘til now. Had to wake and check on ye every few hours to make sure ye hadna up and died!”

“You smell good,“ I blurted.

He laughed and stepped away, doing a little turn to show off. “Had a wee bath in the burn. Cold enough to freeze my bollocks off, but glad to hear it was well worth it.”

He showed me the way to the stream, just through the trees to the south. Cold or not, I was dying to get the Eau de Two Days of Horse and Panic-Sweat off me.

“When ye get finished,” he said, sounding tentative, “ye might…come join me up at the top of the hill?”

“What’s at the top of the hill?”

He shrugged, far too casually. “I’ve…made a sort of place for us, for….ken?”

I’d like to get started wi’ worshiping your body.

For one wild moment, I wanted to forget the bath and have him right there, right then. But I really did smell atrocious, and there is nothing less romantic than being the filthy one when being intimate with a squeaky-clean partner.

“I’ll be there soon,” I promised, my voice trembling just a touch; but he heard it, and I could have sworn he quivered. Jesus H. Roosevelt CHRIST.

Finding the small stream, I washed quickly. I would have loved to wash my hair, but waiting for it to dry would have been a two-hour ordeal for which I wasn’t willing to make Jamie wait—or myself, to be honest. Despite that, the ice-cold water, and even the fact that I hadn’t any soap, it was heavenly to scrub off the worst of the filth and stink, and I came out shivering, but distinctly refreshed. I bent for my discarded clothes, then thought better of it, walking naked back to the horses and wrapping myself instead in the same blanket I’d slept in. No use putting clothes back on, dirty or otherwise, given—

I wolfed down some cheese and bannocks that Jamie had left for me, then—with a deep, bracing breath—began my barefoot walk over the soft grass up the hill. I didn’t have to guess the direction, just followed the smell of the woodsmoke that floated on the warm air. It was a bit of a steep climb, and when the grade finally evened out I could see despite the darkness of the terrain beneath that we were very high up indeed; but it was the sight straight ahead that took my breath away completely.

It must have been a mountaintop chapel, once, though there was no longer a roof of any sort atop the three half-standing stone walls. It would have had a vaulted ceiling, high for its tiny size, with tall, graceful windows. The pale stone—overgrown in places by creeping, floral vines— must have had some sort of quartz in the grain, for the firelight and moonlight together seemed to illuminate the sanctuary all-round like phosphorous, casting the place in a warm, twinkling glow.

Jamie was there, smoothing out the pallet of blankets he’d made overtop a makeshift mattress of heather and soft grasses in the far corner. Bless him, he’d even gathered flowers to grace the sill of the glassless window above the bed. I should have laughed. I should have teased him, but…but it was too breathtaking to say anything but an awed, “Jamie…”

He whirled, his expression a little wild and startled, until it softened into a warm smile. “Hello, Sassenach.”

“Jamie,” I said again, gawping in wonder at the haven he’d appointed for us as I came around the fire toward him, “this is… absolutely beautiful.”

He nodded shyly, taking in the surroundings himself. “Murtagh said it was where my parents came, ken, for the first few days after they were marrit. He thought it would be verra peaceful. Private.”

As well it was. It was almost a shame—if Jamie had desired to be married in a church, this would have been an exquisite substitute. True, it would have taken Murtagh too far from the route to follow the post rider, which was too important to risk. What we would do here, though…yes, it would be an exquisite setting for that, too. And hopefully not a sacrilege.

“But are ye cold, Sassenach?” my husband asked suddenly, seeing how tightly the blanket was wound around me from chin to toes. “I can add more wood to the—”

“No,” I promised, laughing a bit, though feeling as though all air had been sucked from the mountaintop. “I’m not wearing it for the cold.” I let the blanket drop, just slightly, just enough to let him see my bare shoulders underneath.

His face slackened, his nostrils flaring as he dropped his head and breathed carefully. “Aye…well…”

Somehow, I sensed he wouldn’t make a move before I did; so I gripped my blanket tight with one hand and came forward to lay the other on on his chest, my fingertips just grazing the warm hollow of his throat. I could feel it bobbing under my hand, hot, alive. “I think you’d better get out of these clothes,” I said, my voice husky.

His eyes went wide, but he obeyed. He turned his back to me, pulling off his shirt and making a to-do over folding it into a pillow for the pallet. I came a few steps closer, wanting to see him. The scars shone in the moonlight, full of the memory of his pain, but taking away none of the beauty of him or his body.

He was moving slowly; very slowly, in fact. Was I only imagining that he seemed loath to begin?

As he rose back to his feet, I stepped even closer and pressed my cheek against his back. He tensed instantly, and I laid a kiss on the deepest scar. “Is everything alright, love?” I said, running a hand around to his stomach, the other still clutching the blanket.

“Aye– well…Claire, I need to tell ye something.”

What could possibly be relevant to tell me RIGHT NOW? He’d murdered someone? He was…impotent? No, I’d had plenty of evidence that Jamie Fraser was capable of an erection. “Tell me,” I said with no little trepidation.

He turned to me, and he looked positively wretched as he admitted, “I’ve never—done this, before.”

He’d expected her to laugh; to grin and tease and ask how on earth he’d managed THAT, and was there something about his anatomy that had frightened the lassies away for so long??? He’d not have minded, to be honest—perhaps humor would have eased the tension he felt stringing his back as tight as a bow.

But what she did do—what his wife did, erasing his fear at the root—was make a small, tender sound deep in her throat, run her hand up to rest on his cheek, and say, “Then this will be all the more beautiful.” She rose on her toes and kissed him, deeply, and he melted into her, bringing his hands to rest on her blanketed hips.

“How do you want it to be?” she asked, breathing heavily, all of the sudden.

”…How?” How many ways *were* there?

“Your first time,” she said, carefully. “Shall I be gentle with you?”

His wame dropped.

His mouth went dry.

And he felt the growl of need tearing from him as he reached for her: “No.”

And she growled back just before her mouth crashed into his: “Thankgod”

They were going to devour each other. She was against him and her blanket was gone. She was grappling with his belt and he felt the plaid fall to his ankles. He gasped and groaned in the same breath as he felt the length of her naked body pressed full against the naked length of his. “Wait,” he whispered raggedly, “wait….wait…”

She was reaching raggedly but she stilled without question and waited, holding him close.

He held her, too, savoring her despite the roaring in his blood, the aching in his cock as he whispered. “I want to see you, mo nighean donn, before….”

She smiled and nodded, kissing his chest right next to his heart. “I love you, Jamie,” she whispered, happily, sweetly, softly as breaking dawn.

“And I, you, mo chridhe.”

She tilted her chin up so that her golden eyes shone up at him. “Together?”

Always. “Together.”

They each stepped back; and Jamie felt as though he’d been shot through with a javelin.

There was a statue in one of the Sorbonne gardens, he remembered: white marble, and lovely, a likeness of a mythical goddess that stood radiant and beautiful; a work of true art. But Claire was the original; Artemis, shining in the moonlight, perfect in every seamless, curving inch of her; every dark curl; every quivering muscle, poised for the hunt. Her hips were wide, her breasts fuller and rounder than he’d ever dared imagine. Her lips—those soft, flushed lips were parting. “Dear God,” she was whispering, seemingly awestruck, herself, “Jamie, you’re beautiful.”

ME? A Dhia, look at YOU, he meant to say but couldn’t manage even a syllable.

She shivered and gave a little smile at his muteness. “Have you ever seen a naked woman before, love?”

“Not up close,” he admitted, feeling foolish.

“Is it…?” she started, then shook her head and broke off, smiling in embarrassment.

“It IS,” he vowed, and meant it with all his being. “You are.” And it seemed she couldn’t help but glow a bit brighter.

He had seen glimpses of women before, of course, but nothing like this; nothing like the glory of his wife. It seemed so idiotic, to be so undone by superficial beauty; but he deemed it a blessed surfeit of unmerited riches, that his sorcha, the light of him, was also the most beautiful person he’d ever beheld.

Before he could voice that he didn’t know how to begin—should he just… turn her around and bend her over? Would the windowsill be of help to keep her from toppling forward?—Claire was stepping past him to the bed…lying down on her back…spreading her legs…

“Jesus,” he moaned, dropping to his knees harder than he’d intended. It felt fitting, though, to prostrate himself before her. He crawled closer and ran a hand down her thigh from the knee, so cool and so soft.

She shivered at his touch. “Come here,” she whispered, firelight in her eyes as she reached for him, beckoning him to come kiss her. Face to face? Aye, he could see how that would get things properly aligned, but he couldn’t tear himself away, yet. “May I touch you?” he begged.

From the way she blinked, she hadn’t expected him to say that, but she nodded, and as he reached for her, she rolled her hips slightly to meet him. His fingertips met the soft, hot flesh of her, the moisture there, and the choked, “Oh—GOD,” echoed in his chest and around the walls of stone. To his shock, though, it had come from Claire.

He looked up at her in utter astonishment and delight, grinning like a fool. “It feels good, lass?”

She moaned in what must have been assent, for she moved closer to him, seeking more. He moved his fingers again, gently tracing the delicate folds of her, and could have died to hear her groan his name like that.

He felt drunk—he was drunk on the euphoria of feeling her arousal coursing through his blood. She liked to be touched…and even HE could give her pleasure, it seemed, in whatever small way. He’d heard most women didn’t enjoy the deed itself, overmuch, but —Claire liked his touch, between her legs—Maybe she would like—

Heart thudding, he moved to the proper spot—dear God in Heaven, he *hoped* it was the proper spot—and slid a finger inside her.

He’d been gentle about it, he thought, but she arched immediately and cried out as she sat halfway up and looked at him in wide-eyed shock. “Oh, Christ, lass, I’m—” He snatched his hand back, mortified, “Forgive me, that wasna–”

But she grabbed his wrist, hard—and she met his gaze with what he swore was lust as she pressed him back inside her, until his palm was cupping her. He moaned to feel her tighten around him, feeling the silky-wet heat of her, all rough and smooth and alive against his skin. Her eyes fluttered shut as she began rolling her hips forth and back against him. He understood and he took up the motion himself, moving slowly in and out of her. She fell onto her back again, making the most exquisite sounds Jamie had ever heard.

Well, this *certainly* makes me feel more at ease about my own chances, soon to come. If just one finger can—

The next time he withdrew from her, he replaced two fingers. She cried out, throwing back her head and arching her back, her hand darting between her legs. He thought she meant to push him away, but she was only stroking herself at a spot just a bit higher up from his own hand that seemed to heighten her sensation. He could feel the difference of it around his fingers. He’d have to ask her about that spot later, whether or not it was something that he might help her handle in some fashion, the next time; but he wouldn’t interrupt her pleasure for the world, and he drank in the gift of it.

He trailed kisses down her leg and up to her hipbone, watching her with fascination, not knowing what to expect or when to stop—Christ, he would go on with this bliss forever, if she wished it. “Faster,” she moaned, as if hearing his thoughts. The sounds of her grew and swelled as he obeyed instantly and moved faster, hard enough that he thought surely he would break her in some way; and just as that thought crossed his mind, suddenly she was breaking, clenching tight around him, fast as a flutter of wings around his fingers, but hard and strong as a vice as she cried out so loudly it made the walls of the church resonate…with the sound of her.

JESUS

He lay there, draped between her legs and over her heaving belly, shuddering under his own aching desire and with delight at what hers had just shown him. It was what he had felt that cold night on the road, when she’d woken and moved against him in sleep, that iron-hot blaze of her need reaching out for him—but no Hail Marys, this night; only desperate cries of thanks and joy—and pleas for more, more, praise be to God, MORE.

Her breaths gradually slowed and she opened her eyes. “Oh, lass,” he groaned to see her so, glistening and panting, so ready and— “Mo chridhe—”

His fingers within her were shaking and she pushed them free of her. “I need you, now.” Her hands were strong and urgent as she reached for him. “Now—now—now—”

“Take me, Claire.” He barely heard his own desperate words, completely in the thrall of her, the cry of his body moaning, “—Show me.”

With unbelievable strength for someone of her size, she flipped him onto his back and the sight of her moving to straddle him, the feel of her thighs on either side of his hips as she poised herself above him, was—

He moaned her name, begging her—

—and it was her name, again — curse and prayer together —that sent countless wings skyward from the treetops as she took the whole of him inside her with one sure movement.

He gasped for air over and over before he could form more words. “You feel—”

“You too,” she breathed, her face exquisite with sensation and something like relief. “God, you too.”

“—Sassenach—” He moved in her, and it was all the leave she needed.

Jamie thought the entire world would come apart from the way she made every inch and every fiber of him sigh and scream from pleasure in the same instant. He grabbed her hips in both his hands to feel the power of her, the power of her over him. And the sight of her—the goddamned sight of her—her head thrown back and her eyes closed but her face alight with triumph and furor as she leaned backward and writhed along his length was—

“Claire—I canna–” he gasped out, his fingertips surely bruising her as he gripped her harder. “I willna last—verra much longer—”

She fell forward and somehow his body knew what hers wordlessly commanded. They rolled together until she was under him.

“Wait,” she groaned, and she was slipping her hand down between them to touch that place again, and the sight of it, the feel of her touching herself practically against him was so arousing that—

“Jamie, *now*—” she gasped with an intensity that nearly undid him in and of itself as she grabbed both his shoulders, “—now—now—Hard.” He thrust in to the hilt, over and over, hard and fast, every stroke absolute, blazing joy; and when he heard her cry out and felt that iron tremor beginning around his cock, he let her take him, body and soul, let her drag him into an explosion of pleasure and color and sound that enveloped them both and vanished the world in flame and breath.

He had fallen forward, at some point; had her head cupped in his hand; was still sheathed in her. Every few seconds, a wave of sensation jolted through him and he shivered and moaned from it. He leaned his forehead against hers, his voice a broken shell. “….I want…to die like this.”

“Please don’t,” she laughed weakly. She was slick with sweat underneath him, heaving, running her hands along his back, his face.

“I want….to do this wi’ you…” he amended, smiling with every once of strength left to him, “….every possible moment… for the rest of my life.”

She glowed as she kissed him and whispered, “It’s a bargain, Jamie.”

[one more chapter to come]

#Mod Bonnie #Hail Mary AU #;NSFW #see Jenahid i wasna kiddin about taking ye to church #if you want to leave the pew under one of the windows i'm sure they'd appreciate it #one more chapter :)#for what it's worth:#wanted to strike a balance here #between the romance world where magical tremors light everyone up on command #and the real world where sometimes female orgasms take a bit of teamwork!#particularly when the guy is green as a spring branch #and also #figured why the hell not give claire a bit more of the reins in this universe #can't let jamie be a total wunderkind EVERY time #just sit back young jammf and let your sassenach blow your mind #incidentally i've just watched american gods and the whole 'worship' motif now has me majorly wigging #good thing ye made it out alive Fraser #yoikes

416 notes · View notes

praeuro · 5 years

Text

So, this is the long ass post with my thoughts and generally blabing about DMC5. I will cut it so that people don’t have to suffer through my screams but yeah...

So first thing’s first I just wanna get out of the way the styles I used with Dante and give them a sort of ranking and comment about them for this game around. Last time I went full into Swordmaster and just cleaned faces off the screen. This’ll be an ordered list 1-4 in order of my favourite to least favourite, with consideration to all devil arms and guns.

1. Gunsilger

I wanted to have a crack at gunslinger style again since it destroyed my hands in 3 and I never really went back as much but this time around it was really enjoyable and didn’t drive my hands into a craze. Eb & Iv were fun to use with this stance though I could see them getting lack luster by the end, I just wasn’t hitting as hard which is understandable. I only used Cyote-A to get myself out of crowds, or to occasionally push back. Kalina Ann I actually loved this time around because of it’s functionality with you know what...I can’t believe gunslinger could turn Dante into a fucking Ghostbuster. Nah I loved using both Kalina Ann, and it’s second counterpart. God throughout the game after I found that I just wanted Dante to show lady I found her old gun, but no Dante had to be a fucking pest and-FUCK I JUST REALISED THE BITCH STILL HAS IT POOR LADY—FUCK...*sigh* okay Dante you owe Lady big time (does this mean she gets a third iteration????). What were the other ones....? OH RIGHT Dr. Faust. I didn’t want to touch that one, it was a double edged sword and it was fun for a time but I felt like I was just going to use it all up and suffer with it. After I got KA2 I just abused the gunslinger stage 3 mechanics and blew shit up with my LASER lol

2. Swordmaster

It’s really hard not to fall for the one thing Dante is good at. It just boosts his Devil Arm’s power by so much. I loved the swords, I LOVED USING BALROG man that was a good devil arm, nice throwback to the ifrit, and I guess the gilgamesh. CAVILIERE WAS PRETTY DAMN NICE although I’m an average to high speed weapon user so slowing down that much was pretty painful for me (I didn’t use it for long), though I did like it’s swordmaster ability—that came in handy to break so many blocks. Oh and now I welcome the throwbacks and go _**AHH **_because of Cerberus, or now it’s King Cerberus I guess. VERY NICE UPGRADE THOUGH. But yeah sword master was nice in the end...as usual.

3. Trickster

Gonna be honest here and say that I only ever used this as either an evasion mechanic, or when platforming was involved. I just never use trickster offensively.

4. Royalguard

Sorry but I hardly touched this. I still have troubles with the timing, and idk why. It’s just not my style...heh. However it was nice to use occasionally to block certain horrible things. I’m not a tank, but eventually I’ll learn once I do another playthrough.

Okay so with that out of the way I just wanna throw out there that god this was refreshing to have. I do find it weird that this time we have a playthrough that’s intermingled instead of separate start to end. However it’s nice and lengthy still and blends quite nice. Although before I go further I fucking hate that I can’t read the mission descriptions in time before the level loads, even though it’s just a small recap of what happened before I STILL WANNA READ D:

Okay another thing I wanna bring up is Gold Orbs. They THREW them at me like no tomorrow. I used a few yeah but I always had like 8 on hand and I didn’t go looking for them actively. It feels like the kupo coin from KH3, too much power with too much convenience. I liked the blue and purple orb stands though, they were a nice touch instead of just throwing them on the floor or something.

I liked how the story went, though by the middle I picked up and gasped at a few things, and the throwbacks/callbacks holy crap they were nice to mention all the crap and people you know. Even fucking Patty and Kyrie got some nice kicks into this game damn, honestly wasn’t expecting patty. *SLAMS FACE INTO THE TABLE* GIVE. ME. MORE. SIDE. CHARACTER. CONTENT. Sad to not see either of them in person but oh well, maybe next time.

I wanna throw a shoutout to my best friend BlueSpiritFire1 for watching the DMC anime with me because I was a bitch who forgot that shit was a thing. Thank god because it came in handy so much.

Vergil actually fucking stopped being a stabby little bitch for once who’d of thought! I just wish while those two are together they’ll actually start acting mature with one another instead of bringing up the whole POWER and STAHP BEING A DORK thing. I do want Vergil to get an appropriate standing with Dante and Nero because he just needs to slow down and start cooling off. I would love it if they’d just talk for a bit you know, more time to chat.

Controlling V was nice because in other games I like the mage/summoner/support role. He was nice to use and I actually got heaps of Ss ranks on him which is great.

Nero’s new devil breaker arm took some getting used to especially when controlling his magazine and how you can’t gently detach the arm like a fucking normal person would. No instead Nero has to go “Sorry Nico!” *BIG ASS EXPLOSION*—*cocks next gun arm into slot* .Giving up so many arms to make room for new ones was painful but in some way fun. Although loosing a few certain arms when I didn’t have any copies in stock or in mag was sad. However the convenience of finding them out in the open was nice but story-wise...confusing. Especially with Nero saying “Oh, Nico must’ve left this here!” like *confused noises* how the fuck did she find time to throw arms everywhere!?

SPEAKING OF NICO—THOSE ARRIVAL CUTSCENES JESUS. And well that one Lady one where she sticks her head out to openly put out she’s still dangerous guys. Nico was pretty nice and boy was it weird to find out she was related to Mr. AHHHHHHHH. Like fucking hell, least she doesn’t have a stutter because idk that annoyed me on her dad and she really didn’t deserve to have a painful reminder of a deadbeat dad about her. Glad she DIDN’T CARE ABOUT DADDY because fuck that would’ve been awkward to explain, but glad that wasn’t an issue and she knows about it all.

Okay just a few words to open this paragraph up...The Hat Scene. I am so happy that Dante is still quirky as hell. He made Nico happy so I’m happy too. The hat and scarf is cool but gameplay wise still nervous using.

Not having a DT on Nero was fucking weird but I’m glad we got the new arms to compensate. Kinda weird looking back and thinking for a moment that his DT was kinda a pity DT until someone just had to lop his arm off. Ah well least it got resolved and my boy is a lizard. Speaking of DT’s now Dante and Vergil are both that fucking meme about the two hotdogs in terms of DT. Because now we have Devil Sin Trigger. Pretty neat but honestly I found the cheese mechanic in no time. Buy the gun mod for the DST and just hold down RT/R2 to unleash massive fucking damage.

I just need to scream because my tired ass didn’t realise griffon, shadow, and nightmare for what they truly were and in the back of my head I knew something was up but I just didn’t LISTEN. Honestly when the time came to verse nightmare I was crying the back of my head “please don’t return to your OG form I’m begging you, that shit was too painful” but once again the throwbacks were amazing.

Overall I’m happy with the game but I’m super upset that now I don’t have any more DMC to moogle over and I just hope to god they have DLC. I keep hearing that Bloody Palace will make a return so that’s nice, but I want other playable characters ya know, maybe something to fix that itch for more story. I wouldn’t be out of Itsuno’s power to give the fans what they want considering what Capcom did for him to make this game live. He HAS THE POWER!!!! I’m begging for a Vergil story for either a prequel, or a mini sequel. It would be interesting to hear about how he survived all...the mess? Because I think the last time chronologically we saw him was...Neo Angelo blowing up? God it’s been a while.

It’s late where I am and I’ve come back from work so splurging all of this has given me some relief to all the crazy information I wanna just blab about but I think I’m just coming up dry until I playthrough again. So for now idk what to extend this with but I think I’ve gone nuts with a few things that satisfy me enough for now. I’ll probably fan over it more later on in the tags or whatever.

#dmc5 #dmc5 spoilers #praeuro #prae's thoughts

0 notes

arvoze · 7 years

Photo

man, this was sent like, nearly 2 weeks ago or w/e, and i completely ignored it bc i didnt have the energy/ability to care (you literally sent these when it was between 1 - 2am my time) but, it was recently brought to my attn that you put both me + lal in your byf (because i.... banned you from a server i guess, and that means lals at fault too?) so.

i guess it’s high time i answer this lmao. maybe you wont even see this. maybe youll vague abt me for the next few weeks and try and make me out to be a bad person, but i dont care lol. anyways this is under a cut bc its pointless drama i guess. ask 2 tag

additionally: this isnt rly meant to act as a callout post. but since u asked on anon (and im pretty sure we’re mutually blocked) i cant really talk about this privately. this is mostly just.. well. answering your question. ive written this little paragraph after i’ve written everything below, so like, idk dude, it happens sometimes, i get rly heated abt shit and then cool down after a while. so this is wild.

edit: i havent read this thru nor do i care about reading it through. are there a bunch of typos? probably. dont care though

i dont rly have the energy to pull up Everything esp because that lke.... requires going thru so many discord messages adn i really just. dont care enough to sift through everything

“but if u dont care why are you writing this” shut up u wanted answers didnt u lol

nyways heres just . some shit lmao

man firstly let’s deal w your post abt my server

+ dont worry! ive got it archived in case u delete it bc who knows what ud do lol. nyways

lets just do some breakin apart on this:

i was lterally shaking at the time and having my OWN panic issues but i guess you dont rly take that into consideration lol?

this is one of the biggest exaggerations like ... you made it sound like the server was some big special place jdfghdkj theres literally 4 mods and 2 of them didnt even talk to you. the other 2 were me and lal

like half of the server isnt even fucken active on the server and the majority of the other half dont even care about unfollowing/blocking u. what a wild assumption. thts the funniest shit 2 me

please you literally sent me 3 asks when it was way too early in the morning 4 me expecting me to reply as if it was possible for me to give u all the reasons in like 10 minutes jesus christ

ths is one of the ugliest posts ive ever seen + this was posted before you were banned frm the server. several ppl in the server have bpd + i was absolutely not willing to have smeone who says this sht abt their illnesses around (re: the whole “not actively in therapy” and shit. fuck off lol)

here’s some other stuff on my list that you might remember:

(kin stuff) being fully aware that my brother wasn’t - and still isn’t - okay with doubles with a specific character, and that you were specifically warned whilst he was offline, and you knew this was the case, yet decided that your best way of explaining something was..... fuck dude, whats the wording you used? “i’d say but some people here aren’t ok with doubles” or some shit which is! literally just as bad! and tht shit has fucked my bro up so severely tht he still fuckn..... thinks abt + the shit uve said In General (shrugging emoji)

heres a fucken wild ride for u: ur the reason he left th server anyways and why the second i banned u i was immediately happy because holy shit i can talk to my bro again bc i could invite him back! to a chat where he doesnt have to deal w someone who causes him constant panic attacks! wowee

lets not forget me expressing my extreme distaste of lying [person] + r.idged.og + ridg.epho.s but u completely ignoring that shit (+ wowie remember when u said lying was yr friend and that you didnt like me venting negatively abt them bc my nasty experiences r somehow less important than ?? tht shit??? lol anyways)

god the entire fucking drama w the lying shit . i cant believe i was on yr side for a while jdfghkj. that whole fiasco was so shitty. nyways thts nothing to do w me its just something that made so many ppl uncomfy

remember when you left the lying chat and then vented to us about shit but then rejoined the lying chat unbeknownst to us + caused shit again (surprise, i know about that)

you, generally, made several people uncomfortable (myself included), and as the owner of the server, i’d much rather kick one person from the server than have several people being uncomfortable. but if that’s an unreasonable thing to do then please, inform me, because that’s news to me.

whilst i dont support alex or alex’s partner in any way, shape or form (before u try and call me a fucken apologist/supporter/whatever lol), the blatant deliberate misgendering of alex’s partner on your byf was extremely shitty of you (which has since been fixed, but yikes).

(kin stuff) pretending to not be a double around lal, knowing he’s not comfortable with doubles (which, maybe you’re not! but given you’re kin w mc.ree + got that in your byf, and don’t have anything abt not follwing if ur x.phos in ur byf...... boyo)

god theres more but im not willing to dig up all the shit + also dont want to ask other ppl about their personal problems bc thats exposing them to a past/experience they probably want to forget about/never revisit

if u found this? congratulations. you got your answers.

if ur gonna vague abt me? go ahead. i dont really see what ive done wrong lmao.

also, re: why i didn’t tell you anything at all,

i was having a panic attack and almost throwing up

i kept trying to find reasons to keep you in the server, because i didn’t want problems to arise

i will literally never talk to ppl abt this kinda shit privately bc i dont want people to feel bad but 2 late

#jack dont look #bluespace #drama i guess but idk #ive been meaning to get this off my chest for a while but ehhh #i didnt talk abt the thing that pushed me to do stuff but its like ... not rly worth mentioning i guess #ths is sometthing ppl can skip over idc i just wanted to finally answer this

1 note · View note

noiseartists · 4 years

Text

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze: The Facebook Group

Shoegaze, Dreampop And Nugaze is a Facebook group created by Kevin Cleary. The group is arguably the biggest one on Facebook counting over 40 000 members. Noise Artists meets the moderators.

How long have you been and admin for this group?

Mark: I joined the group back in January 2019 and joined the admin team shortly after as a mod so i'm the new kid on the block.

Darren: For several years now. Too long to remember when it all started.

Kev: I created Shoegaze, Dreampop & Nugaze in 2009. My reasoning at the time was to find bands that kept the shoegaze candle burning (damn that sounds cheesy, lol). Acts such as Airiel, Ides of space, Resplandor, the Meeting Places, Astrobrite, Mystery Machine, etc.

Nico: I can’t remember, I got asked maybe a year and a half ago? What are the perks of being an admin?

Mark: Meeting all the cool bands and fans.

Darren: To be able give a platform for new bands to be heard and discovered by a new audience.

Kev: Over the years I've become a bit introverted, don't belong to a band and not hitting shows the way I once did (Dad life). The biggest perk is the music that I would never have discovered otherwise and the friendships that have developed. No gaze orgies, groupies, monetary benefit, drugs, etc. Maybe things would have been different if this was 1993, lol.

Nico: I guess, it’s like running a fanzine back in the days? it’s a lot of work for very little reward but you do it cause you like music more than anything else

What are the drawbacks of being and admin?

Mark: Dealing with disputes and arguments on the group. Why cant we all just get along people?

Darren: Having to moderate the troublemakers and haters.

Kev: "Why did you delete my Radiohead post?!Facist!!!!" It hasn't been all that easy and trust me, the page burns me out at times. Pet peeves include, getting tagged in a post bashing the group, reading a post from a FB friend, "sorry Kev, but the page....." A lot goes into running a page with over 45,000 members! Thank the Gods for the current (Darren, Mark & Nico) and past mods.

At some point we got in a war with WHIRR, which apparently wasn't the band but someone moderating their social media.

Oh shit, the whole Pranav Agrawal thing!

Where to even start with that one?! Pranav was a professional English swimmer, living in India with his boyfriend Matt. Yes. He was one of seven of us managing the page.

We were a tight bunch, often chatting several days a week. He was an integral part of the page, with great ideas and input. Things got weird when one of the mods forwarded a google image of a professional swimmer Daniel Goodfellow. Pranav had created this entire persona based on the swimmer! We called him out and poof, just like that, he was gone! Keyer Soze style.

Nico: Oh definitely the people with zero social skills and a lot of issues who are desperate for attention but know only how to seek it in negative ways. They clearly need to be educated but you can’t do that publicly because they want the attention so the only way to deal with them is to not give them any, delete, block, gone. Is there any perks? groupies? drugs? free music? 😉

Mark: The only "perk" i've had so far is some boudouir snaps of my fellow mod Nico Beatastic! I still havent slept since seeing them.

Darren: I occasionally get free music. People often reach out to me directly to share music that they feel I'll enjoy.

Kev: Ehhhh, not so much for a 46 year old married dad like me. The free music that group members send me! Ooooo, I listen to it all and totally appreciate it. Another perk is hearing or reading about the page in a positive light. Nico: the true perk is having Mark to send my boudoir pics to, I know he truly appreciates them.

What do you like best about the group?

Mark: The community spirit. The shoegaze community is incredibly tightknit and supportive.

Darren: Always being turned on to new music and forgotten treasures.

Kev: The music I've discovered and friendships that I've made over the last decade. Wow, talk about generic answers! There was a time when Darren, Rayanne, Greg, Romini, Liam, Pranav and I would drunk message for hours most every Friday/ Saturday. Mind you, we were all in different time zones. Those were fun times!

Nico: when shoegaze started it was called the scene that celebrates itself, people were supportive of each other, I think that’s mostly the case, also it’s never been about who’s got the biggest one (it’s Mark) , there’s no macho bullshit.

What do you like the least about the group?

Mark: The posts that begin, Its not shoegaze but.... or What is the most shoegaze <insert inanimate object here>. Wasn't funny the first time, not funny now. Stop it

Darren: Just because some music has elements of shoegaze or exists on its peripheral, doesn't make it shoegaze. It's hard to draw the line sometimes and that comes from someone who's been listening to this music for 30 years, let alone for people who are new to shoegaze.

Kev: Damn, if I let the cat out of the bag it will invite in hundreds of trolls! Like the teenage British invasion of 2015. Darren is the only mod who was around at that time and it SUCKED!! So my lips are sealed on this one.

Nico: the little wars, the negativity, the group is meant to post music you like, no diss music you hate. If you don’t have anything nice to say , don’t say anything.

If you could have anyone join the group, who would it be and why?

Mark: Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine for he is our lord and father. All hail the Kev!

Darren: Erik Blood. He's my favorite producer and has had a hand in recording/producing/creating/performing some of the best music from the Pacific Northwest for years.

Kev: We've had quite a few genre icons come and go throughout the years. Rachel and Emma were both members until they were called out in numerous posts. I was blown away when the lead of my favorite band joined several years ago!

Nico: I’d have my fave musician ever, Billy Corgan

Who should be an admin?

Mark: Elliott Frazer from Ringo Deathstarr as i inadvertantly removed him from the group. That would let him get his revenge on me.lol

Darren: Someone who loves music, music debate, and has an insatiable hunger to hear and discover new music.

Kev: Easy; Darren, Mark and Nico! Now i'm going to try and name everyone who has helped moderate the page over the years. Rayanne Die, Vic Winters, Dean Bromley, Steven Webb, Romini, Mike Contreras, Liam Doyle, Greg Wilson, Krissy Vanderwoude.

Nico: Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Nick Cave, Henry Rollins. You can’t mess with them and they’re good with words. I’d love to have The Rock turn his boot sideways and stick it someone’s arse when they make a homophobic/racist/rude/mean comment.

Who should never be an admin?

Mark: Anyone who posts Its not shoegaze but.... or Whats the most shoegaze <insert inamimate object here>.

Darren: Someone who is thin-skinned.

Kev: Anyone not ready to put time into building and maintaining. I'm grateful that we have a great team running the page now and for all of the past admins.

Nico: I agree with Darren.

What is the sweetest thing you've seen happen in the group?

Mark: I seen a member post that they had just had a bad break up with their partner and was looking for tunes to cheer them up. The comments below that post were 100% supportive and full of some of the best music. It was testament to the family vibe we are proud to have on the group.

Darren: I've seen small unknown bands and musicians grow into being leaders of the scene that celebrates itself.

Kev: Krissy Vanderwoude and Andy Jossi collaborating! Two phenomenal musicians. I also love seeing obscure, unknown bands grow in part due to this group.

Nico: I think each time anyone posts a band they like, it’s an act of communion with the world , we share what we want so we can improve other people’s lives and that my friends is what life should be about.

Have any couple met on the group and got married and have children?

Mark: i have no idea. One of the other more learned admin may know.

Darren: If so, send me pics of them making babies.

Kev: I haven't received any wedding invites. Not to say that it hasn't happened. A group member did create a Shoegaze romantic connection group.

Nico: Mark and I are expecting ;)

What is the best band you've discovered through the group?

Mark: That’s not fair. There’s too many AMAZING bands ive discovered via this group. If you absolutely forced me to name one id have to go with The Stargazer Lilies. Occabot blew my tiny mind.

Darren: Flyying Colours

Kev: Oooooh, a "best band?" As far as my personal favorite, I'd have to say Echodrone. Dean "Shoegaze" Bromley, one of the original page members/ past admin, turned me onto them. There are SO many greats that I never would have heard of if it wasn't for SGDPNG!!!

Nico: that Russian shoegaze scene is pretty cool. Maybe Pinkshinyultrablast ?

How did it get so big? (the group Mark, the group!

Mark: We have an open door policy and we get a lot of people inviting friends. We also have a lot of members who are in bands. It means they can interact with our members directly which is a huge thing for fans.

Darren: People love shoegaze and want a place to share and learn more about it.

Kev: Be careful of what you wish for!! There were waves of growth starting with the MBV/ Slowdive/ Lush reunions. Then there was the whole "bro gaze" movement, not the happiest of times on the page.

Nico: The big 3 coming back , the old school gazers have older kids now so more time on their hands and the brogazers. I went to see Slowdive a couple of years ago and the audience was clearly 14 to 60, lots of kids. The Rachel look is quite iconic, it appeals to a lot of young women.

Have you ever thought of making tshirts? mugs? merch?

Mark: I’d love that. We did that in another group i admin. See what King Kev Cleary has to say. He's the boss!

Darren: I would love if one day we could release music by some of the bands that we discover in the group.

Kev: A few years back I created a website with the intent of doing just that. Never materialized. I remember what Greg Wilson, one time page mod, went through getting DKFM to where it is today. Don't have that sort of time to dedicate.

Nico: it’s all very doable, especially a compilation series, that would be fairly easy.

#Facebook

0 notes

imagineclaireandjamie · 7 years

Note

mod bonnie you're a monster with that cllif hanger. please oh please can we get the escape and the sex SOON!!

Hail Mary : Part IX

Premise: What if Jamie and Claire had 1) been more openly affectionate in those early days, and 2) not *had* to get married?

Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI Part VII Part VIII

Jamie’s arm around my middle held me securely against his chest as he reigned up. His grip on me was strong, considerately preventing my lurching forward from inertia, but the added contact with his heaving chest showed he was just as exhausted as me.

“So, wh—” Lord, this might be Scotland, and the night air cool and moist, but my mouth was dry as the Sahara. I laughed a little and leaned my head back against Jamie’s shoulder as I tried to get enough moisture to rasp out, “Where are we, exactly?”

“‘Exactly’ where, I dinna ken, but w—” He was a bit short of breath himself, apparently. He gave me a squeeze and a sweaty kiss on the cheek before relinquishing me to Murtagh, who was reaching to help me down from the horse. “—We crossed out of MacKenzie lands as of the last glen, so for the moment, we’re—Whoa, lass—!”

My knees locked as I slipped off the horse, my feet juddering so hard onto the packed earth that I nearly toppled before Murtagh’s strong grip saved me. “Are ye alright, a nighean?”

I just stared at him.

Jamie shifted sharply in the saddle to check that I was alright. “Mo chridhe?”

“Fine,” I panted. I was fine; but the shock of hearing an endearment coming from the ever-dour Murtagh’s lips, his eyes warm with concern, even, had taken me considerably aback. A softy, underneath it all, eh? “Perfectly fine,” I said again, waving my hand in reassurance, “just tired.”

Jamie jumped down beside me and took the satchel from my hands. “Go have a bit of a rest, Sassenach, while we tend to the horses.”

I didn’t need telling twice. I found a grassy spot and stretched full length on my back, groaning in relief and draping my arm over my face against harsh moonlight.

We’d ridden for nearly twenty-four hours since our escape from Leoch, which had been no small feat in and of itself.

A guard had begun stalking Jamie scarce twenty minutes after the confrontation with Colum. The brute—hulking, even compared to Jamie, if it could be believed—had been a faithful, menacing shadow for the entire afternoon and evening, escorting Jamie firmly to his chamber when night fell, and neatly preventing any contact between Jamie and me.

Thankfully for all of us, Colum had not deemed it necessary to post a guard at MY door. All Jamie had had to do was wait for the dark of midnight, clamber out his fourth-floor window, and climb CAREFULLY up the stone wall of the keep. He’d had one near-fall, sending a shower of stone dust and mortar chips downward; but thankfully, attracted no attention as he clambered up to the roof, and entered the castle again through a garret window to make his way to my chamber.

Murtagh—with whom Jamie had had several vital minutes as he was leaving Colum’s tower—had not been assigned an obvious tail, and thus had been able to gather food and weapons for our flight. Jamie hadn’t dared risk having Murtagh speak to or otherwise get word to me, in case Colum had hidden eyes watching after all. They had, however, arranged for the torches between my chamber and the window to the east-wing roof to be prematurely extinguished, giving Jamie and me the cover of near-pitch-blackness in which to make our way to the roof. We’d had to dart hastily into an alcove as a pair of Grant retainers came down the hall, speaking of the next day’s ceremony and making bets on whether or not Edina Grant would faint (as, we were given to understand, she had a rather sickly constitution). But finally we made it to our escape hatch. Out the window we went, down a ten-foot drop to the roof of the wing below, a painstaking walk across the shadowed gable, and another drop to the yard below.

It all would have gone off without a hitch, if the ostensibly-convenient stack of crates we were climbing down hadn’t toppled, causing a ruckus that attracted first the guard dogs and then the guards themselves. Jamie had managed to knock the three men out, but we could hear the alarm being raised and the thundering of many booted feet as we sprinted for the outer door, where Murtagh was waiting just outside. He’d managed only two horses, but beggars and choosers, and all that; and we were galloping south with all due haste, leaving the walls of Leoch behind, and praying we could stay ahead of any of Colum’s men that would be dispatched to follow us….which, thank heaven, we had.

Jamie thudded onto the ground next to me and groaned as he stretched out onto his back, his boots a few inches from my elbow.

I rolled onto my stomach to give my aching rear end a break, laying my cheek on my crossed arms and feeling the night breeze ruffling through my hair. My head was spinning with the delirium of exhaustion, and I prayed this would be a LONG rest. The three or four respites we’d taken so far had been agonizingly short, time enough only to spare the horses keeling over. And if I was weary and aching, Jamie must be near to keeling over himself, having had the task of controlling the horse one-handed AND keeping a hold on me to keep me falling when I inevitably dozed off against his shoulder.

Sure enough, he groaned again, with an urgency and a Gaelic curse that spoke to a great deal of discomfort.

“Love?” I reached out a leaden hand to touch his foot, cursing that my medicine box had been (wisely) deemed too heavy to bring along, “Have you pulled something?”

“D’ye have any notion,” he said between gritted teeth, “of how your arse looks in those breeks?”

Fatigue be damned, this was WORTH IT. I came up on my arms and craned my neck around to grin at him. He was propped up on one arm, staring in definite distress at the item in question.

Jamie being Jamie, I had been rather startled that he had suggested trousers in the first place; but practicality, it seemed, had won out over propriety. It would have been a liability to all of us, to have me slowed by heavy skirts on our escape.

Apparently, the breeks were their own sort of liability, though. I spy, with my little eye, a not-so-little kilt tent.

“Good, is it?” I asked, trying my very hardest not to laugh….or ogle…and failing at both. Definitely not little.

“Jesus,” he said again, in what might have been considered a whimper.

You know, you *have* undressed me completely, before, lad,I thought about saying; but I couldn’t help feeling gratified at his apparent awe. It was a father fine arse, by all accounts. And,might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. I gave my rear end a rather lewd undulation and he swore so violently it scared the horses.

“Cuir stad, lad, you’ll wake the dead!” Murtagh scolded, emerging from the underbrush with our refilled canteens and turning his gimlet eye on me. “What in God’s name did ye DO to him?”

Jamie laughed and sat up. “All the right things, a charaid.”

I sat up too, gratefully accepting my replenished canteen, changing the subject as well as my posture to spare Jamie from squirming himself into an early grave. “So, we’re safe, now? The MacKenzies can’t pursue us outside their own lands?”

“Not wi’out exposing themselves to a great deal of risk,” Murtagh said, plunking down next to us. “Colum’s enraged, to be sure, but he’ll have enough on his hands wi’ the Grants to consider doing anythin’ to vex another clan in the process.”

“Lord, the poor Grants,” I laughed, groaning a bit. “They’ve gotten the short end of the stick, haven’t they?”

Jamie’s mouth tightened, an expression I’d come to know meant he was supremely uncomfortable. “I did leave a letter in my chamber, ken?”

“A letter?” Murtagh and I both said together.

“To Miss Grant,” he said, with a tight shrug. “Explaining that my flight had naught to do wi’ her, but only that my heart belonged to another.”

I smiled. “That was very considerate of you, darling.”

“Aye, and also hopefully t’will appease Malcolm Grant that Colum didna willfully seek to ensnare him and shame his daughter.”

“Do you think your uncles will ever let you come back to Leoch?”

“No.” It was Murtagh that answered, his voice grim. “Not if his mother’s case is to be our guide.”

Jamie nodded in agreement and dropped his eyes.

Ellen MacKenzie had never once received even a word from her enraged brothers after her scandalous elopement with Black Brian Fraser. Dougal had apparently visited Lallybroch a time or two after her death, and had eventually taken Jamie for his foster, but from the moment she left that castle, Ellen’s fate had been sealed: exiled and infamous.

It had been love for Ellen and Brian, Jamie said, real and deep and strong, and so she never had cause to regret her decision; and yet…

I scooted closer to her son and leaned in to kiss his shoulder. “I am sorry, you know—to be the cause of your entire life upending.”

Jamie raised his eyebrows, dubious.

“Well, it’s not as if I want you to cast me to the roadside, do I? But they are your family. I know they don’t mean nothing to you.”

“True…and thank you, Sassenach. But to the MacKenzies, family is obligation as much as affection. Heart, but with claws.” He pulled me close and kissed the top of my head. “Dinna fash: I dinna regret a thing.”

“Well, I know you don’t now, but—”

“They’re my blood, but my true family is Jenny. Murtagh.” He squeezed my hand hard. “You.”

The lump formed so suddenly in my throat, I could only whisper it back to him. “You.”

My only family.

He gently cupped my chin and kissed me, then drew back with purpose, catching his godfather’s eye. “I ken you’re as tired as we, a gostadh, but surely ye must be getting on your way if you’re to catch the post rider?”

The dour clansman nodded and got to his feet. “I’ll be off in ten minutes, as soon as the handfasting is done.”

Jamie was like a loosed arrow as he leapt to his feet, barking something at Murtagh in rapid Gaelic. Murtagh threw up his face and said something scornful back in the same language, and even my brief time amongst eighteenth-century highlanders had taught me the early warning signs of an all-out brawl.

“Jesus H. Christ, honestly!” I stepped neatly between them—getting a prodigious spray of spittle from both sides for my efforts—and held up my hands. “Will you both calm down and PLEASE explain to me what handfasting is?”

“Handfasting is—” Murtagh began.

“—nothing you need trouble yourself over, because it’s NOT HAPPENING,” Jamie finished, eyes flashing at Murtagh across my shoulder.

“—A CEREMONY OF MARRIAGE,” Murtagh persisted, “for when there’s no priest handy. Ye join hands, say the words, and you’re man and wife for a year and a day, until the union can be formally blessed.”

“And it’s real? A legitimate union, I mean, according to the church?”

“Aye,” he said, seeming surprised by my doubt. “Valid only for the year, but valid nonetheless. Common enough in the Highlands so as no’ to looked down upon.”

“We are not going to be handfasted,” Jamie growled, “and that’s all there—”

“But of course we should!” I said. “Jamie, you said it yourself at Leoch: being married as soon as possible is the next most important thing for our safety, yes?”

“Aye, but—” He shuffled uncomfortably. “It’s so—crude! Ye deserve a ring—a proper dress for—”

“I don’t bloody need all that!“ I said with such laughing scorn that he looked startled. “Jamie… I’ve been married before,” I said, far more gently. “The ring, the clothes—? Those things can be lovely, but they aren’t important to me. But if…” I searched his face, not wanting to be flippant. “Are they important to you?”

“Well, aye, in a way but—They’re only important insomuch as—” He was flustered, almost sheepish in his unease as he ran a hand backward through his hair. “I should never wish to give ye anything less than is due to ye. I want to honor ye, Sassenach.”

“You do honor me, Jamie, just by wanting to marry me. That’s all I need.”

He looked torn. “I ken you’re a practical woman, Claire, and ye wish to put a good face on things, but—”

“But I do mean it, my love. No, listen,” I pushed, as he began to interrupt. “If I had been Edina Grant, say, a stranger you were OBLIGED to marry…just think of how different the wedding would need to be. The ring, our clothing, the place—that all would be significant, because–”

“Because we wouldna be knowing each other?” Jamie said, his features relaxing.

I exhaled in relief at the understanding in his voice. “Exactly.”

“I’d be a stranger you were meeting at the altar,” he continued, nodding slowly.

“And so the protocol, the finery and beauty of it all,” I took up, “That would be what we’d remember about our wedding. We’d need that to hold on to, to make it a pleasant memory.”

“....Until we might come to love or respect one another, one day,” he finished.

“But you do know me, Jamie: you know me. And you know I want to marry you.” I touched his face, sweeping down the stubble of his jaw. “And so the love we share is what we’ll remember about tonight. Nothing else matters.”

“Nothing else,” he repeated, his eyes twinkling and his mouth turned up in a tender smile, “mo nighean donn.”

And so it truly didn’t matter that we were both sweaty and reeking of horse as I came into his arms; didn’t matter that I was dressed like a little boy, or that my hair had reached the size and texture of the average haystack. All that mattered was that he meant it when he whispered, hoarse with feeling, “I do love you, Claire.”

And that there was no reservation in my heart when I looked up into his eyes and said back to him, “And I love you.”

“And if ye’re both quite finished breathing into each other’s faces,” Murtagh said, belching, “we’ll get on wi’ it?”

It was fast; it was simple—with not a scrap of either pomp or circumstance. We simply knelt, clasped hands, and said the words with Murtagh as witness.

And yet, even so, a deep, silent peace descended around us, wrapping each syllable in a sweet solemnity that would mark this place, this night in our memories, always:

“I, Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp do take thee, James Alexander M—” He grinned, but I managed it, and the spell fell around us again. “—Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser, to be my lawful wedded husband. With my goods I thee endow, with my body I thee worship, in sickness and in health, in richness and in poverty, so long as we both shall live.”

His eyes blazed as he swore his life to me in return. “I, James Alexander Malcolm MacKenzie Fraser, do take thee, Claire Elizabeth Beauchamp, to be my lawful wedded wife. With my goods I thee endow, with my body I thee worship, in sickness and in health, in richness and in poverty, so long as we both shall live.”

And I kissed him, kissed him, kissed him, and felt the world slide, then click into place.

A pair.

A home.

Jamie didn’t let go of my hand for a moment during our toast (for not even a fugitive Scotsman travels without whisky), nor did either of us stop grinning like fools in love. Husband. Wife.

Not even Murtagh was unaffected. For all he tried to hide behind his gruff and scruff, I’d seen his eyes sparkling as he looked down at Jamie and me saying our vows; I’d felt the feeling behind the rough hug he’d given me; and I’d been floored by the hoarseness of his voice as he’d said in my ear, “You’re right for him, a nighean.” And that made me feel an absolute empress over my happiness. Right for him; right for me; right.

“We’ll stay the night here,” Jamie said with decision, reaching up for his saddlebag.

But Murtagh said something in rapid Gaelic as he swung up into his saddle, gesturing to the east. Jamie grinned, asked something back, and got an answer that seemed to both surprise and please him greatly before Murtagh was galloping off into the distance.

“What was that about?”

“Murtagh knows of a better place for us to spend the night.” He held out his hand. “Can ye bear to ride a bit longer, my wife?”

I accepted the boost up into the saddle. “If it’s worth it, darling husband.”

“Sounds as if it will be,” he said as he clambered up behind us and turned us east. “And it’s good it isna far.“

“Tired?”

“Aye. And…” He ran his fingers down my rib cage and my blood went hot as he breathed into my shoulder, “…I’d like to get started wi’ worshiping your body.”

[more to come]

#Anonymous #;mod bonnie #Hail Mary AU #next week i promise #the do gets done #had to get them hitched first #and give them a bit of a chance to rest up #I kind of liked doing a Fraser wedding without blood of my blood #just to change things up a bit #these are the vows Roger and Bree used

302 notes · View notes