Another Vent Fic methinks

It was going to be accompanied by some art but it won't let me post if it has art, so I'll post it separately.

tws: overdosing, s//cide, self hate, suicidal thoughts, mentions of periods, and small talk of religion, as well as mentions of COVID. and throwing up. As well as the situations with a certain b named person, and animal death(no animals died its just referring to a fear), parents fighting, abandonment issues, self harm mentions, and idk what else to warn yall for.

Uhh yeah look at the tws. They were put in bold so you would see them. There's a lot so I probably won't be able to tag them all. Tell me what tws to add and I will add them.

Because I thinking about the event from my perspective causes me to become ✨ pathetic✨(by that I mean physically gag and curl up and whine), I am going to write about it from my sona's perspective. I am not completely my sona, because I am Mika and my sona is Happie. Named that because I want to happy, she's carried that name ever since I got into Splatoon (about the end of 2020)

It will talk about what I went through in may-june of 2020, and how this all is now affecting me. It will also make references to things that I do believe are at fault for my depression and anxiety.

Also, note: the first part of the story took place before my mom became a teacher.

So, yeah, look at the tws.

The family was only a few hours into their trip when it went bad, horribly bad.

Happie rubbed the tears in her eyes, her knees to her chest. 

Her brother was yelling at her again. She could barely hear his words through her own gasps, her own hyperventilation, her own sobbing.

She was a pathetic mess. She hated herself. She had just recently gotten out of the inpatient unit, but it didn't help. She still wanted to die, she still hated herself. 

Her parents insisted on doing prayer and reading the bible, all whilst she was trembling and whimpering and choking on her own tears. Happie was scared of the church. She had panic attacks whenever her parents forced her to go. She clawed at the wall and sobbed and hyperventilated and tried to get smaller and smaller so her mom couldn't hug her and say "it will be alright. The church will help all your bad emotions go away."

Even though everyone at church scared her. She didn't want to go there and be judged. Everyone seemed to bear their eyes towards her for not looking like a proper lady, for having short and messy hair and eyebags.

She was always told she would go to hell if she broke any of the commandments. Happie grew a fear of doing anything wrong. It meant she would go to hell.

Her grandma's passing was her fault, she had done too much wrong and now everyone was being punished because of her.

She didn't like thinking about that. She tried to snap back to the present. But the verses were still being read. Happie knew that prayer would come soon.

Her brother said the prayer. It was quick and basic.

She said she would sleep in the living room. She didn't want to be sleeping in the same room as her brother. He would just yell at her again. She didn't like yelling.

Happie waited for everyone else to leave, looking at her notebook and pencils. Her plan had been come up with pretty quickly, but she knew it would likely work.

She began by writing a note.

She admitted she had been dating one of her classmates before COVID hit. Not even one of her male classmates- a female.

She admitted that she hated going to church, that she hated the bible and she hated scripture study.

She admitted that the inpatient unit didn't work.

And then she placed it on the table.

And went to the room she and her brother shared and grabbed a bottle.

It was a bottle of midol. It originally had 50 pills in it, but she had taken one earlier in the day to help with her period cramps.

Happie went back out to the living room, grabbing a can of rootbeer and cracking it open. She then opened the medicine bottle.

She began by taking two pills at a time. Then three. Then four. When the can of rootbeer was empty, Happie got herself a cup of water.

Five, six, seven pills at a time.

Swallowing 49 pills until the bottle was empty. 

The white bottle with a blue label, round at the edges and holding a child proof circle as it's lid.

Only then did she realize, she didn't want to die. She was scared. 

She ran to her and her brother's room, begging him for the phone they shared. A flip phone.

He got mad and asked why. Happie could only tell him to read the note on the table. She told him that she didn't want their parents to know, that she just wanted to call for an ambulance.

He told their parents. Happie's sad told her to make herself throw up or else they would take her to the ER. She didnt know how to make herself throw up.

Her parents got her in the car, quickly rushing her to the nearest hospital. She was put into the emergency room.

A bunch of wires were attached to her, and there was an IV in her arm.

A nurse came in with something that looked like a toothpaste tube, and squeezed the dark gray contents inside a small foam cup. The nurse then put a straw into it and gave it to Happie. "Drink it," the nurse instructed, "it's liquid charcoal and will clean your system of the medicine."

Happie gave it a reluctant sip and immediately pulled away. It was bitter, dry, salty, and it made her gag.

She gave a few more sips but not enough to finish the cup.

"Drink it all now or else we'll put a tube down your throat and pour it down." The nurse threatened.

Happie was terrified, so she drank. While she did so, the blood in her arm was drawn once again.

Her mom was in a chair in the infirmary, and it was the first time in Happie's life that her mother gave full attention and worry to her. More often than not, her mother was more worried about work, and paid more attention to TV shows. 

How odd. Her mom only seemed to care whenever Happie's life was on the line. But was it because, if Happie died, her parents couldn't continue to play "perfect Christian family"?

She had gotten to the hospital at about 11pm, and now it was 6am. 

The doctors originally thought she would be able to go home with her parents, but the spike in her Tylenol levels that had just showed up made them call an ambulance to drive her to a hospital in her home state.

She threw up a few times in the ambulance ride, and each time it was gray in color.

Her IV was still with her, but her mother wasn't. Her mother was driving home with her father and brother.

She didn't have a stuffed animal or a familiar blanket, she was alone.

 When she arrived, they carried her on a stretcher to the mother's ward. All wards except inpatient were clogged up because of COVID.

She stayed in that ward for about 4 days, occasionally getting visits. One from her grandma, one from her dad, but the majority came from her mom. Her mom visited almost daily.

Happie couldn't tell if it was from actual care or if it was so that she'd look good to her family and the hospital staff and the church.

After her stay in the mother's ward was up, she was moved to in inpatient ward- the one for 17 and under people. 

The room she was given has sanded windows, so she couldn't look outside. The bed was more like a gym mat, and the desk was small. The door to the bathroom had big gaps at the top and bottom. And the bookshelf was completely empty.

She could only call her parents, they weren't allowed to visit.

She felt trapped. She made friends and wasn't allowed to keep them- it felt like they were abandoning her whenever they were able to leave. She didn't like being abandoned.

By the end of June, she hadn't harmed herself of even thought about ending her life. That was nice.

-

She had lost a friend, but she was happy. Just like her name.

Happie's so-called friend wasn't a good person. That much she knew. She was terrified of this friend. 

She had mutual friends with this friend, and she was worried that this friend would begin spreading lies about her if she said anything against what she was told.

Happie worked hard to become likeable enough to make these friends. Making friends has always been hard for her. They always ended up hurting her or abandoning her.

So she made as many as she could to make sure she wouldn't be left in the dirt once one friend grew tired of her.

When Happie finally realized how bad of a person this friend was, it destroyed her. She told only one of their mutual friends, and then three friends who didn't exactly know who this person was.

Then another mutual friend told Happie that this person had turned on her and went back on their word. 

Her trust had fallen on crashed like a Jenga tower. She shouldn't have trusted a new friend so quickly, but she did. And it hurt.

The following weeks hurt. She began to attempt to investigate. She was given the user of someone who this person had hurt, and decided to interview them. Then she read through two Twitter threads. Then she contacted someone else that this person had lied about.

She made the posts. Finally speaking up. 

She was terrified of her friends yelling at her and telling her that she was being petty and abandoning her. She had prepared herself for that.

She didn't prepare herself for the oncoming wave of support she received. For people to DM her and tell her their stories. 

But that didn't mean it didn't still hurt. She beat herself up and called herself names, she had a hard time sleeping because she could be doxxed.

She had a hard time sleeping because she was worried that the person would somehow show up at her house and kill her dogs.

Happie hated herself. She hated the people on her side who has told Brady to off themselves. She hated the people who seemed to ignore her until she needed something. 

She tried to show that she could be confronted if something rubbed someone the wrong way, but she was terrified of that too.

Mentally, she was still a pathetic little girl, hugging a white and gray blanket close and sobbing as she listened to her parents yelling and screaming at eachother. She was still a little girl who didn't ever get love shown to her with packed lunches with little notes, or thought out birthday gifts, or nightly hugs.

She was only hugged when her parents were upset and needed comfort.

She was still just a little girl playing with friends to avoid home, to avoid the screaming and the yelling and the crying. Still just a little preschool girl who played with her oldest sister's friend's puppies whenever she could.

Still just a little girl who read a series about cats fighting so she could be buried in a world where the good guys always win, and the cats in the sky would still communicate with the living through whatever.

Still just a little girl who wanted to believe happily ever after could exist.

But she was still the same little girl who started developing boobs in third grade, who got her first period the summer before fifth. The same little girl who learned what sex was in fourth, the same little girl who had cut herself in sixth.

She was the little girl who had matured early, physically and mentally, and never got to hold onto childish joy for long. The little girl who would tell her mom to go to her room to calm down, and her brother to go to his room to calm down. The same little girl who had been through four therapists by seventh grade.

Actually, no matter how much Happie wishes, she isn't a little girl anymore. She never will be a little girl again.

I HAD NO IDEA

I HAD NO IDEA what domestic violence was before I was in the situation. I was being beat up by a grown man and I had a friend who was beat up by her ex bf in the past but I didn't have access to my phone like everyone else so when my Mom dropped off paper work to my abusers house about domestic violence I looked at it for a minute and he shredded it up in his shredder. I just never had the gonads to leave. My friends had all moved on. I knew I made a bad choice by staying period. I did not know how destructive this relationship was. My confidence and self esteem. I think I will always be that vibrant person. It's hard for me to understand why and why is not important because the reason why I am sure really had nothing to do with me. I miss my pure self my uncorrupt self. This God--is-love Tumblr was my Tumblr prior to being taken away from my regular life. Seeing all of this man. It's just another part of healing I guess. I know we are all facing something and that my problems are not the only thing that matters.

While I was with this person I wasn't able to do anything at all. It really sucks like now I have to like reinvent myself. All the things that used to bring me joy just ya know so dull I am like a dull version of myself and I am sort of envious of this who were wise and knew the red flags, and understood self worth. I have my kids now and I have to teach them self worth and self care. It's like a good thing. I don't know what I am filled with. That what I think it is coming down too. My mind has like fear and like suicidal thoughts. I'm trying not to be harsh on myself. I am going to get through this. I am going to get through this. I'm going to read the Bible everyday talk to God and understand what he's telling me. I don't want to make excuses. I don't want to rationalize or allow myself to believe it is acceptable to partake in sin. Help me dear God to take up my cross everyday and follow you. Breaking free from Hopelessness and just creating joy.

It sounds like fun rediscovering yourself right? I don't know what to do ever so it's like so-so. I can't wait to get deep again in conversation. To be understood.

Why act like God's not there? He's there and He fully knows me. I forget that. Lord help me. He knows me...I guess that's good. That makes one of us. idk ya know we'll see. I have to plan plan plan.

Maybe i'll make a list of things I want to try. Anyone have any experience with this? I need to work on like myself hardcore. I'm congenial just uncomfortable. Definitely anxious but understanding only I can physically feel my anxiety is great.

710

Have you ever done drugs and were able to quit for good? I’ve done milder drugs, like caffeine and nicotine... I don’t have like a dependence issue on them so it’s nothing I have to ‘quit.’ Are you against weed, or do you think it should be legalized? I honestly don’t know much about them since they’re normally shunned in our culture and is barely talked about/explored. I’ve heard they have medicinal purposes though and I’m finding it hard to find excuses as to why it can’t be legalized for that reason. Have you ever been taken advantage of while drunk? No. Is there any medication you refuse to take? (Like for ADHD, etc.) No, and I’m not familiar with the types of medication either. Ever watched an Above the Influence commercial under the influence? I haven’t. We don’t have commercials like that.

Have you ever or do you have an abusive significant other? Nope, just abusive family members. Are your parents too involved in your life, or do you feel forgotten? Uhh I get the feeling they want to be more involved partly because they’ve realized I’m getting older and it’s only a matter of time before I live my life on my own, so they’ll sometimes drop hints like wishing they got to know more about my love life, mental health, etc. But because we’ve been emotionally distant my whole life, it’s hard for me to open up at all so I refuse or get reluctant whenever they ask. How do you feel when it comes to love? Well I mean these days and for the last few years I’ve been optimistic about it. It’s been a while since I haven’t had a significant person that my life revolves around so my perspective is pretty biased, though. Do rainy, cloudy days affect your mood? They make me feel better. I thrive in bleak weather, and I absolutely hate sunny, humid days. Have you ever wished you could just move away and start over? No. I’m still pretty young so there’s still opportunities for me to do exactly this once I graduate. For the meantime I go through a bunch of shit, make mistakes, and learn from them so that I know better once I have to be an Adult. Are you impulsive, or do you overthink? I’m both. I overthink on my downtime but am impulsive when I feel pressured.

Are you or have you ever been addicted to any substance? No. Do you think beauty goes more than skin deep? Duh. It’s 2020, I think we’ve covered that a million times now. Do you remember your first date? How was it? My legit first date was at a nearby mall and we only had enough to afford Bonchon for lunch. We had just graduated high school so there wasn’t any reason for our parents to give us allowance anymore so we just relied on whatever we had saved in the last few days of school, which wasn’t a lot. But it was our first date after getting back together so we were simply happy spending time together in that simple date. Have you gotten caught in a HUGE lie to your parents? No, I’ve never gotten in trouble specifically for lying because I hate doing that to begin with. I’ve been in deep shit for other stuff, like getting caught cursing on social media when I was 10 or failing a test/class. Are your relationships unstable, or do you manage to keep friends a while? They’re mostly stable and I have friends I’ve kept for a very long time, but I tend to be very particular about actions. That means to say when someone does something I have on my blacklist (like breaking my trust or making fun of me directly) I’ll have no problem cutting them off in seconds, which some have been confused by cos it’s not really that common to do something so abruptly. Don't you hate when people have the nicest parents & treat them like shit? Yeah of course. Why wouldn’t that piss me off? Are your moods stable or do you never know how you're gonna feel? They’re stable for the most part. I can tell when my mood is about to shift and even then I have ample time to adjust for it and warn others if possible. Have you ever been on probation or arrested? If so, what for? Nope. The most/worst that has happened has been getting pulled over. Do you think that without drama and problems your life would be boring? Not that I exclusively thrive on drama lmao, but it’s sometimes nice to have it around just for the spice of it. I can definitely live without it, but yeah I’d say life would be a *little* bland. When you've had a bad day, do you seek an escape, or do you just face it? Depends on what problems I have. If it’s something I know will be sticking around for a while – like my anxiety toward my thesis – I’d rather have a quick, brief escape like eating out or having a few drinks. But if I’m bothered by something more pressing, something I know I’d lose sleep about, I just face the music. Do you think the bible's hypocritical, or do you live by it? Oh I dunno dude. I stopped paying attention to it when I finally didn’t have to read it every morning for school, so I’ve forgotten most of the lines. I have some memories of raising my eyebrows at some gospels though – like the one where Jesus flips out at seeing a marketplace near the temple, when these days a bunch of malls – public areas designated exclusively for shops – host masses of their own. Most churches are also situated near markets or have clothing or food stalls nearby for people to flock to after mass, so that bit confuses me to this day. Have you ever thought you were or actually BEEN pregnant? No, this has never been a concern of mine. Have you ever guilt tripped someone into something? LMAO just my parents, because I’m the most spoiled out of their kids. That’s not to say I’m spoiled rotten, I’m just a bit more expressive about what I want.  Do you actually care about other's problems? UP has opened my eyes to the plight of the poor and the working class, and so I mostly care for their struggles. When it comes to the opposite sex, do you fall for them faster or slower? I’m demi. My concept of ‘falling’ is the same for everyone. Have you ever had or been part of an intervention? Never. I wasn’t aware of the concept either until I saw it being done for Jesse Pinkman in Breaking Bad. If you could, would you go back and change the way things ended with someone? No. Can you manipulate someone into getting what you want? I can probably do it but I never want being manipulative to be a dominant trait of mine. Does the type of music someone listens to tell the type of person they are? Sometimes? Idk, you’d be surprised at some of the music people listen to. I’m as basic as basic gets lmao but I know people would be surprised to see Rancid on my playlists. But then again, music is a form of expression and it’s still a good indicator of someone’s personality or aura. Have you ever felt like you know a person just from their survey answers? Several people I follow have said that their surveys serve as their journals, so in a way it is an avenue to find out who they are. I don’t wanna assume I know them 100% though because after all, I’ve only known them through Tumblr. Are there any problems within your family? If so, what? Land dispute problems primarily, as with all Filipino families. Another issue I’ve heard of recently is what to do with one of the houses we own – who’s in charge of selling it, how to divide the money once it’s sold, etc. Apparently my grandma wants some of the money to be given to one of her sons (my deadbeat uncle) which has pissed my mom off and she’s currently pushing for him not to get any of the money cos he hasn’t done anything to contribute to the family haha. It’s all honestly fun to watch and has taught me to take it easy on my sister when we get older. If you're in a bad mood, do you take it out on others or do you hold it in? I try to hold it in and handle it responsibly, but there are times I’ll snap towards other people. Most days I act fake and convince everyone I’m doing fine so that they don’t need to worry, though. Have you ever seen cocaine, ecstasy, heroin, or acid? Have you done it? Nah I’ve never seen any of these in person. Do you like a lot of attention or does it make you uncomfortable? Oh man I hate it. Once I start feeling there’s too much on me, I try to shift it to someone else. Have you ever wanted to help someone, but you just couldn't? I don’t think I’ve ever had to care for someone who was just too far down. In one way or another I’ve always been able to offer help to my friends who needed it. Have you ever contemplated suicide or talked someone out of it who has? Just the former. I doubt I’m mentally capable of handling the second one all by myself, so I’m a little relieved I’ve never had to do it. I’m sure I have friends who can do it much better than I would. Have you ever been homeschooled? Why? No, I’ve had traditional schooling all my life. Have you ever woken up somewhere and not known where you were? Nah it’s never been this bad. I’ve woken up confused for a few seconds, but I’ve never been completely clueless. Has someone ever laced/slipped something in your drink? No, that’s awful. Have you ever had a party when your parents went outta town? Get caught? I don’t throw parties at my own place, and that’s not very common here either. Is there something you really wanna tell/say to someone but can't? Nah, I’m good. I do want to hug Angela because I’m sure she still feels bad about her grandmother passing away. Don't you hate when someone texts you and you're expecting someone else? Hahahahahaha, yes. That’s why I gave my girlfriend a separate ringtone.

cw for personal talk about religion/spirituality and trying to find myself. Srry for typos

I’m in my room on the verge of tears and switching between crying and having a blank stare, watching brendon’s livestream on my ipad while i type this. I’m trying to study witchcraft to some extent as I’ve never really read much of anything about it before. Specifically I was reading about christian witches. Now the thing is like, i grew up as a christian. And nowadays i still believe in God definitely, but i hate christian practices. I remember reading and studying world religions in college last year and absolutely loving it and being so sad because i never experienced such practices in my own faith that actually seemed..... like, fun, and super connective. Me bawling my eyes out at church camp and being “lost” was not exactly what i originally thought it was. I was just mentally ill and didnt know it. Deep down i always knew i had a connection with God that wasnt faltering over silly shit a kid does wrong. Kid sins. Whatever the fuck. As much as i fucken prayed and asked for forgiveness, i was fine. Christianity is always a race to be closer to God and its like.... how close can i get when im doing the same fucking exact practices over and over.... they never really taught us about meditation and becoming one with your surroundings and idk, letting your spirit free. They kind of talked about it sometimes.

But i just hate the entire setup of church. I miss the family aspect so much. Thats all i miss. I miss bible study but really i just miss the points where we talked about life. Thats usually what we did, we would have an entire lesson setup and it would become totally derailed by our conversations. And it was real and i had a sense of community that i cant get anywhere else. I havent been able to find it anywhere else. But i also miss my personal sense of spirituality. I love that word and i love that it has so many encapsulating meanings. I dont wanna be like a white man self acclaimed guru who’s like read this book it’ll help you change your life....... i feel like those guys really appropriate culture and commercialize it. Its kinda gross. I try not to associate myself with that idea but every time i think about meditating more and shit im like “ew im gonna be a gross white guy whos all at peace w himself and lives in the mountains and shit” AND IT MAKES ME MAD. I’m having a beer right now instead of a cup of tea. Probably a mistake. Tea helps me feel better but im filling my body w shit at the moment bc thats what happens when i get this sad.

Anyways i really hate the idea of practicing a religion. I made a post before asking for sort of an advice on this, like was it okay for me to like witchy things and not actually be one. I was told yes its totally okay. And im not disrespectful of anyone and i dont make fun of any religion. I just persoaally cannot see myself involved with having an actual religion. I dont even consider myself christian so how could i ever proclaim myself as a christian witch, idk.

I dont want to label myself at all. Maybe i dont need any of this. Maybe i just need to play dnd and live vicariously thru my character. Use that shit as therapy. I hear it helps a lot with mental health and social skills. That of which i am verily lacking. I’m just hurting and im pissed off. I dont know why exactly. I just want to do meditation and i wanna buy my crystals and start doing yoga again. This year i have been stretching more. Actually i started on the first of feb. i stretch every day and do vocal exercises to help my voice get more control and deepen it a bit (transmasc).

I am also just a bit overwhelmed at everything. I dont know where to start. All i know is i want to burn incense like i used to growing up bc it always made me happy. And that i only believe in like..... cleansing through these elements and a prayer to God. But i’ve always had faith issues because im so insecure, i never think God will actually help me because maybe i dont deserve it or maybe he just doesnt want to.

I’m also scared im gonna do something wrong or fuck something up. That something bad will happen or something because im dumb. I dont know if i could mix my own herbs that feel right to me, or if i should use a recipe. I feel stupid that i dont have as much faith in prayer as i wish i did, but i have faith that little rocks will help to cleanse negative energy and things like that.

I dont know why im crying, i guess because im so insecure? Or maybe life is just rly hard and i’m overthinking everything. I just feel kinda bad. Yet when my friends tell me theyre praying for me, i do have faith in that and it means the world to me.

I know none of this is a big deal to anyone, and maybe none of it should matter. But im like. Idk. Im very interested in plants and medicines of the earth and shit like i always have been ever since i was young i thought of myself as like. Awakened and shit LOL whatever that means @ 10 year old me. I dont want to feel like anything controls me or owns me, i want to feel like i am in control of my own life and that i could harness the energy around me to not only like bring me peace of mind but to help me through my journey of life.

But i guess my biggest issue is i have no fuckin clue where to start. I hate reading and all this research im trying to do to help myself figure out what i enjoy is just. Making me so fucken overwhelmed. I only read like. 1 blog post and 2 articles and im already losing it. I always grew up w the mindset that God will take care of everything but like. He already has. In my mind. Because he’s already given us all the tools we need. But folks just like. Wanna be lazy and wait for things to happen. Sometimes all u can do is wait but when it comes to like, being THE ONES IN CONTROL, “prayers for america” is dumb as fck.

Idk i dont know anything and its okay to not know right now but i want something more in my life but i want it to be like.... totally personal and i dont want it to be absolutely everything my life revolves around. I want it to just be something i do and that i love. I dont need a label for it. But idk. I just dont know what to do.

If anyone has any sort of advice or is dealing with anything like this i’d love to hear about it. My ask and msgs are open as well. I feel pretty alone right now. Im just patiently waiting for my paycheck tomorrow so i can buy these crystals i rly want. But who knows what it will take to satisfy my hungry soul.

Another problem i rly have honestly is just like. Spending a lot of money on a lot of hobbies. I feel shitty for having so many things i enjoy doing. I try to narrow it down. I havent started embroidery bc i dont wanna spend more money and i feel like i’ll never have enough time to practice. Im just. Mediocre at a lot of things instead of rly super good at one thing. I mean i think im pretty great at drawing but thats about it. But ive been doing that for 10 years so ofc im good at it NOW. But ffs. I wanna do so many things and its overwhelming. I work a minimum wage job and its. I dont have enough money for anything lol so most of my stuff is low-budge† which is fine i guess but. Idk. Im tired. Im sad.

I dont know how to be more spiritual i dont know where to start. And my mind is telling me to slap a label on it or its not anything of value. Which is bullshit. But y’know. Anxiety n shit.

Hi, I would like your opinion on something. I've been so confused as to what I should do concerning my relationship with my bf. We engage in premarital sex but I want to stop. Idk if I should completely end the relationship or not. What's making me hold on is the fact that he has supported me and helped me in a time where I was completely lost and away from God. I was even the one who pushed sex on him, so what place do I have to tell him I can't be with him because we have sex? Please help. Thx

I hope you’re not upset that this reply is so late but know that I always reply in order. Anyway, remember that confusion is of Satan. We must approach God because He is our clarity. Christian or not, the soul wants righteousness but the flesh wants instant gratification. The difference is that a Christian should be more aware of that than someone who isn’t. You’re on the right track for wanting to stop, but the question is are you going to walk it? It’s easier said than done. Sexual sin is different compared to other sins, not in a sense that God thinks twice about forgiving the person who engages in it…no….I say it in a sense that engaging in it defiles your own body (including your mind), which explains your confusion, and probably fear and anxiety too. I believe that couples who engage in premarital sex are also more often to disagree on things and fight in general, but couples who understand that sex should be within the marriage and are practical about the discipline have better communication because they’ve built (or in some cases rebuilt) a strong foundation that goes beyond feelings. If you read most of my replies to prayer requests, I focus my prayers on drawing closer to God, I focus on requesting God to transform the mind and heart of the person going through the difficulty. Tell yourself, “I know what’s right and what’s wrong, but do I see potential in this person as a provider, a father, a husband, or a leader (whatever qualities you value in a lifelong partner)…do I have confidence in my heart of hearts that God can continue to work on him, and am I willing to give it a try to see if we can still work together as a couple without sex?” If after spending some time reflecting on that makes a lot of sense to you, then tell the Lord that you desire for change, not just in how you think but also in how you behave especially when you two are alone. You do that by spending more time with Him. I can’t emphasize that enough. The theme in a lot of my posts are spending more time with Him because that’s how you grow spiritually mature. If you haven’t yet started, right now listen to Christian vloggers that speak on the topic, there’s a lot of them and you will be encouraged to stay on track and actually walk it. You have to read your Bible too and read devotionals daily. If you haven’t explained to your boyfriend your convictions, your point will only be understood more and more whenever a fight breaks out…that’s if you’re still together. You can bring it up letting him know that you would probably fight/argue less if both of you had a deeper connection spiritually and if both of you came to the center where God should be. If he can’t respect that you’re doing this because you know in your heart God wants you to wait, then I’m sorry he isn’t the right one for you. Because he supported you in a time you needed it, it sounds like there could be a chance and I only say that because of your desire to want to be right with God again. If your values are modest, then his’ is probably too, sex just got in the way.…like attracts like. Once you have become consistent at practicing His presence and you know in your spirit that you have been growing, that’s when you will start to be a better example to him and hopefully this should help him see that he must also change his ways by transforming his mind. You must attend church and fellowship, pray for each other everyday, and remind yourselves why you are doing this. I’m sure you want to have more peace within yourself, you want more out of this life, you just aren’t happy settling for what you thought was best, you want to have God’s best. Most Christians will tell you that you should not be in a relationship where you allow premarital sex…that’s true….they might even tell you get out of it……but really only you know in your heart if the relationship is toxic to you or not. It’s also very common for many Christians to engage in premarital sex, so I would say if you really believe that you can’t work on yourself while being in this relationship, then take yourself out of it and take a long break from him. Invest on your spiritual growth because your future and everything else highly depends on it. The rest will fall into place, because if you love the Lord with all your heart, you will respect yourself enough to attract what is good and pleasing and righteous. You might attract him back if God has also been working on him. And if he does come back into your life, stay grounded in faith, cling dearly to God. Or He could also bring someone who is much better for you. Be patient and wait on Him whether you’re in a relationship or not. Your beliefs shape your success. You have to be willing to accept what God’s will is and you must be content in Him alone whether you remain in this relationship or not. My parents were not Christians when then met. My sister and I were both born before they got married. It was 9 years later after my mom met my dad when she gave her life to God. Did she leave my dad because he wasn’t saved? No, she often prayed for his salvation and 8 years later he accepted Christ as his Savior. Now he will be speaking this coming Sunday at our church as a substitute for the pastor. God works in mysterious and wonderful ways. It doesn’t always mean that if someone is having sex outside marriage, they have to break up with their significant other and never see them again. Everyone is at a different spiritual level and everyone has a different story. Repent and turn away from your sin and DO what is right. It’s possible for anyone to take advantage of His grace and also take it for granted by continuing to do what they know is wrong. If you love your boyfriend, you will also care enough for his spiritual growth. You have to pray where you are right now for strength and wisdom so He blesses you with His discernment to look forward to a bright future for yourself, and so you are able to take what you’ve learned from this experience and thank the Lord for His forgiveness and His grace to start over again with a pure heart. He loves you and wants you to focus on Him so He is able to show you what He is working out in you. Trust, His plans are always good. I will keep you in my prayers tonight. Bless! :)

PS 2 Cor. 6:14 is not a commandment but it is still wisdom, it’s something every Christian should be cautious of. But because we live in a world where it’s inevitable Christians will hang out with non-believers, just know that time should be limited with them otherwise if we are not careful enough we turn back to our old ways and stagnate our spiritual growth.

2 Corinthians 6:14 - Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

1 Corinthians 6:18 - Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body.

Proverbs 4:23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

James 1:22 - Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.

Lamentations 3:25-26 The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him,  to the one who seeks Him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you,“ declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

By His Grace, Sheela (Via godfirstgodalways)

Survey #51

“i’m unashamed, i’m gonna show my scars.”

have you ever been confused about your sexuality? yes, but i am perfectly aware it was only due to my anxiety and this repetitive thought cycle i used to have. i was afraid i was bisexual, despite having no traits of one. yet i was still afraid. thank GOD that eventually stopped. have you ever tried drugs? no. do you put family first, friends, relationships, school, or something else? i'm TRYING to put myself first. what's your sexuality? heterosexual, some asexual traits. have you ever liked someone else while you were in a relationship? no. what is your favorite card game? "magic: the gathering." i don't FULLY understand it, but i play "duels of the planeswalkers" on my ps3 sometimes, where i understand all the cards. i can't really play it much tho. ptsd trigger. have you ever lived on a university campus? no when was the last time you saw a photo of your ex? idk really. do you “binge-watch” tv shows? not since jason's and my "sherlock" days. do you play any games on your phone? only "pokemon go" when was the last time you wore something totally inappropriate for the weather? does this happen often? i do it all the time. i wear flip-flops in the winter and will usually not wear a jacket unless my mom forces me. if you could dye your hair any color (and have it look good/professional), what color would you pick? GRAY. mom won't let me, though. have you ever liked someone and they were taken? yeah. now. have you ever read the book thirteen reasons why? yup. are you more of a studs or hoops type of person when it comes to earrings? studs, generally. are you on good terms with your last ex? not really, no. have you ever received a teddy bear? no. lol funny, i was just talking the other day at wal-mart how just ONCE, i want a guy to get me one of those big teddy bears. which movie villain do you find the most terrifying? scream. childhood fear. are you proud of your parents? in some areas yes, others, no. someone removes you from their facebook friends and then tries to add you again … do you ignore them, or accept? accept. what would you say if your best friend came to you and said she was pregnant? oh my gosh, i'd be overjoyed. she's been trying for a baby for so long now, and she has to see someone about fertility if she and bradley don't get pregnant by next month. to make matters worse, i inadvertently found out ectopic pregnancies occur most often in people who have endometriosis, which she as. i'd never dare tell her that, but i'm so worried that'll happen to her or she just won't be fertile at all... who is the most attractive person of the opposite sex that you know? that i know personally? jason. what would you consider unforgivable? rape. what are your views on spontaneous human combustion? i don't really know... i mean aren't there cases where officials were pretty sure the situation truly was spontaneous combustion? i mean i guess, theoretically, it could happen. do you enjoy fishing? yes!! i love the peace and quiet, and feeling one with the fish on the rod is so cool. the last piece of roadkill you saw,what kind of animal was it? a fox, i believe. does your hair have layers? yep. what’s on your mind right now? jason. i wrote him a six-page letter last night; my mom's going to give it to him today. it's his 23rd birthday. bats: cute or gross? SOOOO FUCKING CUTE!!! have you watched any good horror / thriller movies lately? the new "blair witch" was pretty good, but it left a few open ends. what are your opinions on the song you're currently listening to? absolutely adore it. "breath" by breaking benjamin. what is something that people in your family tend to do a lot that irritates you?  uhhh... idk. everyone in my family's different. what do you wish you had more knowledge about? basic survival skills, like what settings to put the washing machine on, etc. name a song you listen to when your upset/angry/sad?  i mean, lots. but one of my go-tos for a bad mood is "fuck u" by archive what would you say if someone asked you to get high right now? i'd like to think i'd say no, and i honestly think i would, but with how this day's going, who the fuck knows what i'd say. i want an escape from this feeling. are you tired from last night? did you stay up late last night at all? holy shit, yes. i stayed up until almost four typing up a letter to jason. there's more things i need to say to him. i really hope he reads it... do you have soft hands? do you like holding hands? yes and it depends on whether or not your hands are clammy or not. i miss jason's hands. they were so soft and warm. have you ever burnt your tongue like REALLY bad? if so, what on? yes, on rice that just came off the stove. do you like to have cake on your birthday? which kind of cake in mind? i want a doughnut cake. if you met your 12 year old self, right now, what do you think they'd think of you? she'd be... so disappointed. would you date someone who has cheated in their previous relationships? no. what is your favorite song lyric? "i'd probably still adore you with your hands around my neck," because it makes me think of jason. that's so me. he could just... do anything, i guess, and i'd still love him. i promised. are you comfortable with who you are? have you accepted who you are? no. i'm a failure that's in love with a man who'll never love her back. i gave away the key to my happiness, and it's not something he can just give back. what’s something you would say to an ex right now?   just wrote him six pages worth of shit last night.  i really hope he reads it. did you ever collect any sort of cards?   pokemon cards, somewhat. do you consider yourself pretty?   i think i could be if i wasn't so fat. have you ever been diagnosed with anything unexpected, mental or physical illness? how did you finally find out?   i have mental illnesses, but i expected them all, so.  when i had a cyst, that was unexpected, though. does your mom like the last person you kissed?   she's very confused with him, as am i.  she doesn't understand why he just so suddenly had had enough with me.  she spites him for how much pain he's caused me, but who knows, really. how many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?   none. are you currently in love right now?   i know so.  i wouldn't be going through all this hell for jason if i wasn't.  in that letter i mentioned i wrote to jason, i actually talked about this.  talked about the difference of loving and being in love: whether or not you'd accept a person's gradual changes in life.  and i obviously have, as i haven't seen him in a year, and i still love him. last time you had anal sex? (if ever)   never.  the concept is really gross. do you believe that if you want something bad enough you'll get it?   no.  just wanting something isn't enough. have you ever learned any self-defense? if not, would you be interested in learning?   no, and i guess so.  it'd be wise. what is your favorite soundtrack for a film/video game/television show? (though feel free to name as many!)   the "shadow of the colossus" soundtrack!! have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket?   no, actually. have you ever done yoga?   i used to do yoga on a daily basis on the wii fit.  lost 40 pounds. have you ever had to block anyone online?   yup. ever been the only one trying to fix a relationship?   HMMMM, I DON'T KNOW, AM I, JASON?? how exactly do you feel right now? what's on your mind?   i feel sad.  i feel disappointed in myself.  don't ask how my brain got to this point, but i just realized something about myself: if jason came back, i'm almost certain i'd leave my abstinence behind.  and look, anyone who knows me knows i am so serious about my celibacy until marriage.  i'm so proud of it, to have accomplished it during a passionate, long-term relationship.  but... i'm staring to second-guess it.  is it truly, really worth it?  should jason and i have just had sex anyway while we were together?  let's all be adults here: sex is supposed to be a very passionate display of affection, at least to me; i don't believe sex can be casual.  and, well, i wish i could've shared that with jason.  i don't give a fuck who my future husband's gonna be, i highly doubt i'd regret giving my virginity to the first person i ever loved, because i will always love him.  i wish, i wish, i'd let jason know that part of me.  and yeah, i know "but the bible says premarital sex is bad!", well, it says a lot of stuff is bad, but all that was forgiven by the coming of jesus, yada yada.  it's not entirely clear what old rules remain intact in the new testament.  like... what if i've been believing an old testament rule this whole time?  that'll be funny. but anyway, i'm just... remorseful right now.  i mean, jason even got tested for stds for me.  he was clean.  so on a physical level, us having sex wouldn't have risked the spread of disease, which is another, if not the prime, reason i chose abstinence.  ugh.  i'm so split right now.  why am i even worrying about this, it's not like he's going to come back anyway. are you a heavy drinker?   no.  i don't like the taste of alcohol, so i don't drink a lot, anyway. do you own many pairs of shorts?   i don't own any. is there a situation you currently feel hopeless about?   *"welcome to my life" plays in the distance* when was the last time you sang out loud to yourself?   ha ha a few minutes ago.  backstreet boys came on. is there a band you like with amazing music but a bad vocalist?   that's totally megadeth.  i personally think dave is an atrocious singer, yet i like it at the same time...? when was the last time you wore earrings?   now!  i had such a rough morning, so colleen tried to cheer me up before work.  she told me to get all pretty, to treat myself.  so i did!  i put on makeup, got on some clothes that actually fit.  i even put on my new ruby ring and put earrings into my lobes! do you enjoy going through old pictures?   sometimes.  occasionally the nostalgia is too much. when’s the last time someone was disappointed in you?   probably this morning when i told colleen i wrote jason another letter... which compliment do you receive the most?    people call my hair pretty. do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people?   nope.  we ALL judge people somewhat. have you ever received a hickey from the last person you kissed?   plenty of times.  i was honestly into hickeys.  i think biting can be romantic. think of your last kiss, was it good?   jason's italian, baby.  boy knows how to kiss. what side of a heart do you draw first?   left plan on getting married?   yes.  i'm christian so don't believe in dating if you're not interested in eventually marrying that person. do you believe everyone needs a second chance?   not everyone, honestly.  some people are beyond redemption. be honest, do you like people in general?   as a general statement?  no. do you want your tongue pierced?   i do, but mom is really trying to convince me not to.  they're dangerous for your teeth, and besides, i have a metal retainer on the back of my bottom teeth, and that can really get fucked up.  i'm probably still gonna do it, tho. should the guy always pay for the date?   no.  personally, i believe whoever planned the date should pay. where do you hope to live when you’re older and settled?   on the western side of nc.  in the woods, preferably. do you read the bible?   honestly, not as much as i should. do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time?   FUCKING YES.  do not abuse a mental illness!!! ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? what was it for?   yes, because something was wrong with my liver.  turned out being okay. what bands are you into?   mostly heavy metal bands, both old and new. do your parents wish you were more successful?   sigh.  i'm sure they do. have you ever been interrupted during sex?   during foreplay, yeah.  sex, no. has a dentist ever screwed up on anything when working on you?   yeah, actually.  while flossing me, this damn dentist went WAAAAAY up there into my gums and formed a deep pocket.  now i can't floss that spot without flinching. whose house, other than yours and your families, are you most comfortable at?   colleen's. have you ever been on the honor roll?   all the way from elementary through high school. do you ever read things you wrote as a kid? what were you like?   OH MY GOSH I'D NEVER I WAS CHEESY AF how do you feel about people your age having children?   personally, i think 20 is a bit too young, but just barely.  it's not a big deal if you feel you're ready, as your body, by age 20, is, too. do you think it’s possible for an 18 year old to be ready to get married?   sure.  some people meet the "perfect" partner at a young age. how do you wear or style your hair most often?   i don't really style it.  it's parted on the left side of my head, so my hair swoops over my forehead and rests on my glasses. how many instruments do you own/have you owned?   flute and electric guitar for or against guyliner?   omg sexy af do you believe exes can be friends?   if you were actually in love with each other, absolutely not. did you pull a senior prank?   no, because i fancied graduating. have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship?   no, and i never would be. what do your parents think about piercings and tattoos? do you agree with them?   both my parents are iffy with piercings, but each allowed us (my sisters and i) to make our own choices with them.  tattoos, i personally think my mom's more open towards, so long they're not stupid.  judging by my dad's reaction when i told him i had tattoos, dad's very iffy with them. do you watch any anime? what genres do you enjoy?   yeah, mostly horror-oriented stuff.  my fave's "fullmetal alchemist" (+"brotherhood").  i looove "deadman wonderland."  i watched some of "death note" and "black butler," but i didn't get into it. do you have plans for today?   yeah.  go to colleen's to print out jason's letter (we have no ink at home), then probably go to jason's job to give it to him.  i think i'm going to go in... which is such a gamble.  that might be the death of me.  if he's not at work, then we'll drive to my house so mom can go drop it off at his house, because i don't think i'd survive even pulling up into his driveway.  after that, i may or may not spend the night with colleen. anything special about today?   yeah.  it's jason's 23rd birthday.  happy birthday, my love. do you think home schooled kids are weird?   of course not.  i do, however, believe that they usually are a bit socially deprived.  school is such an important part of a child's life, and is really where they learn so many social skills. do either of your parents have any tattoos or piercings?   mom has her ears pierced do you feel comfortable in a bikini?   not anymore whatsoever. do you believe humans should have the option to be euthanized?   i really don't know. have you ever played magic: the gathering?   yes, when jason and i were dated.  it's one of his passions.  he's so cute when he geeks out over it. do you want to have a bachelor / bachelorette party before you get married?   i mean, i guess?  i don't really know what you do at bachelorette parties? would you ever get a name tattooed on you?   no, not even my child's. what’s your best friend’s pet’s name(s)?   miracle and maxwell how old are you? how old do you act?   i'm 20, about to be 21, and sometimes i act older, sometimes younger. when was the last time you ate a banana?   like, two, three months?  i stopped eating them because they gave me hellish heartburn, always.  like, so bad i wanted to cry. have you ever taken the eharmony personality quiz?   oh.  my.  gosh.  ya'll, yes.  after i joined christianmingle, i was curious, so checked it out.  I HAD NO MATCHES. is there a girl that you truly hate?   i think it's genuine hate, but i know i shouldn't feel that way.  it's not like she's ever directly done anything to me.  i don't even know her, only her name.  i'm childish to spite her so heavily just for dating jason, but dammit, he's mine. do you own a strapless bra?   no.  generally not a good idea for someone with d-sized boobs.  the ladies will fall out, let's be real. have you ever had a piercing get infected?   yeah.  yuck. band that you really want to see in concert?   i think more than anyone, i want to go see metallica with my mom.  they're one of my faves, and my mom, holy shit, they're like mortal gods to her.  i know she'd cry at one of their concerts.  she'd be overjoyed, and that'd make me happy. which baby animal is your favorite?   meerkats, once they get more fur and open their eyes. would you ever consider getting a piercing in your septum?   thought about it a few times, actually.  however, i have the side of my nose pierced, and i don't think that plus the septum piercing looks good.  i mean yeah, i could take out the piercing i have, but i think i like it better.  i still look at septum piercings on pinterest sometimes tho lol gay marriage: love is love or a horrible stand against god?   i honestly think it's fine.  i didn't for most of my life, but i came to realize i was wrong.  and besides, jesus says nothing negative about homosexuals.  in fact, there is one statement he says that in our modern language, is understood to say some people are simply born that way.  however, the word used has multiple meanings, so.  fun fact, most of the old testament, their rules are for the jewish.  jesus' coming and crucifixion forgave the sins of the old testament. do you cuss?   yes, because i don't believe in "curse" words. who’s your celebrity crush?   link neal fuck me pls did you have a furby when you were younger?   haha omg yes if you had a baby girl, what would you name her?   ALESSANDRA "ALICE" QUINN YES YES YES VERY GOOD if you had a baby boy, what would you name him?   i'm stuck between the names "vincent" and "luther," so idk. what part of your body are you self-conscious about?   most self-conscious about?  my stomach.  i have stretch marks on it now, and it just... grosses me out.  i used bio-oil while we had it and it helped, but it costs about a hundred bucks, so we haven't been able to afford it again.  now i use a coconut cream or something like that, and i don't think it does much.  i also hate my inner thighs, which also have stretch marks.  my right leg is especially bad, because my laptop burned the design of them into the flesh to where they're a brown, obvious color.  ugh.

This week on No one Asked But She’s Doing It Anyways:

1. If you could have the chance to make out with 5 celebrities, who would you choose and why?

Emily Rudd - she counts as five celebrities don’t even fight me on this 2. If you had to be straight/gay for a day (whichever you’re currently not!), what celebrity would you most like to take on a date?

goodbye 3. What is the biggest injury you’ve ever sustained and how did you do it?

Glass through my foot but w/e 4. What is the most unusual food you’ve ever eaten?

I went to Myrtle Beach and ate the rocks. 5. What is the most unique animal you’ve ever touched?

Metaphorically me 6. What are the top 5 most contrasting songs on your iTunes?

Everything I listen to is exactly the same four chords. 7. Which 3 countries would you LEAST like to live in and why?

Anywhere where I’m stereotyped tbh 8. If you could make just ONE change to this world, what would it be and why?

Can people just... chill?? 9. If you could wake up tomorrow and be fluent in 3 additional languages, which would you choose?

French, Korean, Russian 10. Which would you rather out of these 3 options? A- Be good looking and extremely intelligent but so poor you live on the streets. B- Be extremely intelligent and a millionaire but what society classes as ugly. Or C- Be good looking and a millionaire but extremely academically challenged? Why?

A because idc 11. What are the top 10 movies to make you cry? (Or at least make you sad!)

I have no emotions

12. What’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had? Describe it in detail.

I had a dream about the Law and Order: SVU transition screen and it scared me awake 13. Would you rather raise 25 children or have the chance of ever having children taken away? Why?

“…………….Why would I ever CHOOSE to raise 25 children.” - @j-offrey​ 14. Would you rather go on a relaxing beach type holiday to the Caribbean, a cultural holiday to Japan or an adventure packed holiday to South Africa?

Japan would be fun tbh 15. If you went to a desert island for just 6 months but could only take one album with you, what would you take?

If I Should Go Before You - City And Colour 16. Put these in order of your favourite movie genre to least- Horror, action, thriller, adventure, superhero, romance, drama, comedy, musical and dance?

Horror, Thriller, Drama, Adventure, Superhero, Action, Musical, Dance, Comedy, Romance   17. If you had to lose one of the 5 senses, which would you choose and why?

Taste tbh, I would cry if I lost anything else 18. What have been the top 3 most brilliant days of this year? Describe them in as much or as little detail as you like.

Boyfriend, Troye Sivan Concert, Emily liking my tweet ;) 19. What do you believe we as human beings take most for granted in this world?

I feel like we all take kindness for granted. I’m not gonna explain myself. 20. How many concerts have you been to in your life and which was your favourite? If you’ve not been to one, who would you most like to see?

I’ve been to 3 in total, but I wanna go see more tbh. 21. If your life was about to become like Cheaper By The Dozen and you were going to be saddled with 12 children, what would you name 6 girls and 6 boys?

Everyone would have an E name. Eden, Emily, Elena, Emory, Evangeline, Emma Elias, Evan, Emment, Ethan, Ezra, Elliot --or something like that 22. What’s something a stranger has said or done that you will never forget?

A woman literally stopped her car on a busy street and pulled over just to tell me I was beautiful and honestly I aspire to have that sort of love in my heart 23. What do you think happens when we die?

We rot. 24. What’s the most special hand made present you’ve ever been given?

In eighth grade, my best friend made me this plastic bracelet and I couldn’t take it off until I got a little bit older. But I still have it even though I haven’t seen her in a while. 25. What’s the most frightening thing you’ve ever seen in your life?

:/ 26. Name 5 books you think everyone should read and give a brief synopsis for each.

The Great Gatsby, 1984, American Psycho, Unwind (childhood fav), ..... idk the bible with ya sinning asses

27. Do you believe one can fall out of love?

I think love is not something you fall out of. I think the magic can falter but I think that if you really love someone, you’ll love them even when there isn’t magic there anymore. But it depends honestly. 28. What are your three favourite sounding words?

Ephemeral, Poignant, Ethereal 29. Have you ever had a paranormal experience? If so, what happened?

:/ 30. Name 4 things you hope to see happen for you in the new year.

Less bullshit, more good things, that’s all i can say 31. List the 7 deadly sins in order of the one you feel you commit the most to the one you feel you commit the least.

Pride, Envy, Sloth, Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Lust 32. What’s your current- Desktop picture, phone screensaver, phone lock screen and Facebook Cover Photo?

Desktop: Suzuya Juuzou Screensaver: Me and my boi Lock Screen: Me and my girl Cover photo: Some flowers I think 33. How old were you the last time you went to visit Santa? Talk about that time.

Once when I was 4 and I hated it so I never went again. 34. Rate your first kiss on a scale of 1-10.

2 - forced and bad 35. What’s the funniest dream you’ve ever had?

????? 36. What are 3 facts you know about your favourite celebrity/character that prove you know too much?

Emily; used to play a Disney Princess in the parks, her brother has a band, her natural hair color is blonde/light brunette 37. Name 5 songs you wish you’d lost your virginity to? (Or would like to lose your virginity to.)

...... 38. Name 5 songs you’d like to have sex to in general.

............................... 39. Put your iTunes on shuffle, write down the first line of five songs and give it to me as a poem.

Feeling used, but I’m still missing you. (hate u love u - Olivia O’Brien) Pinky promise I’ll still love your garden. (Bombs On Monday - Melanie Martinez) I have never wished on hope (Kanye - The Chainsmokers) You think that you know my heart (Beautiful Thing - Grace VanderWaal) You fooled me from the start. (Leaving Tonight - The Neighborhood)

40. Where do you stand on the death penalty? Explain your reasoning.

Morally wrong if they’re innocent, perfect for the totally guilty. 41. Who are your holy trinity? (3 celebrities or characters that come above any other for you.) 

Characters - Suzuya Juuzou, Allison Argent, Harley Quinn 42. Would you rather- A. Have a prickly leaf stuck on your forehead for the rest of your life, B. Suffer 100,000 stings from stinging nettles or C. Get 200 thorns stuck in your body?

Gimme that prickly leaf :) 43. Top 5 WORST movies you’ve ever sat through?

Any sequel to a movie ever 44. 5 movies you thought you’d hate but ended up loving?

Zootopia?  45. Tell a story that involves someone you had a crush on in school.

My crush gave me my first kiss and then dated my best friend the next day so there’s that 46. What’s your favourite ever television commercial and why?

The Billy Mays commericals were my shit 47. If you woke up and had 10 million in your bank, what would be the first 3 things you did?

Set aside money for college, buy a car, and invest the rest. 48. You can have 100 million but you have to give 1 million each to 3 different charities, which 3 do you choose?

I don’t know any specific ones, but one would be something for low-income schools, one would be for low-income familes, and the other would be for cancer research/treatment 49. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever said to you?

"you’re ok” 50. Would you make out with a person of the gender you’re not attracted to if it meant you could sleep with any celebrity/character of your choice? (If yes, you can choose the person to make out with.)

fuck you. 51. Name 5 facts that the vast majority of people won’t know about you.

I’m pretty good at assessing people’s emotions by their facial expressions, I’m really good at figuring out things about someone without asking, I got to witness a brutal beating/hate crime on my street when I was 7, I know like three words in sign language, I’m non-violent but I keep a small weapon on hand if I ever need it

52. When was the last time you laughed so hard that tears fell from your face and what was it at?

i don’t have emotions or any life in me anymore 53. How important do you think education is?

Extremely.  54. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.

No 55. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it?

No? Not a toy anyways... I have a necklace with ursa minor as the pendant. It reminds me to stay humble. 56. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.

I’m pretty understanding of people no matter how bad they seem to the world, I tend to be extremely loyal to the people I’ve become friends with, I can also predict people’s emotions and empathize with them very easily. 

However, I get jealous extremely easily because I feel like I could be replaced at any moment, I’m nosy when someone doesn’t tell me something the instant I ask, and I weirdly enough have some pretty low self-esteem. 57. How did your name get chosen? What’s the story behind it?

My mom named me after a great dane that peed on a bomb to disarm it. 58. State 8 facts about your body.

- lungs were stuck together when i was born - got a scar on my foot from getting glass stuck through it - i have two birthmarks that are both on my face - i got a scar under my left eye from getting attacked by a dog - used to have a heart murmur, now i’m just in emotional pain - i’m hypoglycemic, which gives me anxiety - survivor of an eating disorder - i’m borderline legally blind  59. Have there ever been rumours spread about you? If so, share them.

Honestly? Always. But it was always about things that I’ve done and not who I am as a person. 60. Are you allergic to anything? If so, what?

Nah I’m immune to everything. 61. Describe yourself in one word/sentence- what made you choose that?

The second person you call if your plans cancel on you. 62. What are the top five places you wish you could go before you die?

Bolivia, Dubai, England, Tokyo, Canada 63. Share 7 facts about your childhood.

- I’ve lived in the same house since I was 7 - I shared a room with my sister - I didn’t have many friends, just cousins - I spent a lot of time outside until I got into middle school - I loved Blue’s Clues 64. Share 6 facts about your home town.

- Lots of heroin busts - School was a castle before it was a school - the town is over a 100 years old now - used to be racist af - cool river - dirty 65. You’re in jail! What did you do?

Public indecency 66. You’re given $10,000…under one condition- you cannot keep the money for yourself. Who do you give it to?

My mom 67. Share 5 things you love unconditionally.

Emily Rudd dogs :) writing music suzuya juuzou 68. What was something you used to enjoy, but was ruined for you? What’s the story behind that?

There’s a specific song that I can’t listen to anymore without thinking about the awkward moment/public embarrassment it caused for me 69. Describe one of the most awkward experiences of your life.

THERE’S A LOT. 70. Put your iTunes on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.

2manynotdoingit 71. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.

I feel like I answered this already but Emily Rudd Evan Peters Tarjei Sandvick Moe Rihanna Dane Dehaan Veren 72. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you choose to do and who would you choose?

I WILL DO ANYTHING WITH EMILY EVEN ROB A BANK 73. If you could only listen to one band/artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?

I can’t answer this question, I feel personally attacked. 74. You can ask your favourite celebrity 3 questions and they’ve taken a magical truth pill so they will 100% answer honestly, what do you ask?

I’d probably just ask he opinion on things, honestly. Like there’s nothing I need to know in particular. 75. Who do you think is a really underrated celebrity and what do you love about them?

y’all ask me way too many questions about Emily but???????????? She’s honestly perfect like she’s so talented and super smart and wow I love her 76. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what do they mean to you?

Madcon - Beggin’. I just really like the song? The Neighbourhood - Daddy Issues. I resonate with this song a lot. Bell Biv Devoe - Poison. That’s my SHIT. 77. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person. If so, who?

I’ve been told I look like a mix of Rihanna and Mimi from Rent. I’ve also been told I look like Ruth B. 78. What song makes you cry the most?

Beautiful Thing by Grace VanderWaal. her voice just makes me cry okay 79. Share 4 facts about your parents.

- Mama had me at 21!!! - Dad is a bitch ass hoe - Step dad is cool but he went to prison - My parents used to smoke a lot of weed around me 80. Share 9 facts about your family.

- Germans - Mostly closeted homophobes - Also slightly racist even though I’m black - Barely any of them went to college - Most of the women are big-breasted - All of us have some sort of mental illness - We all talk shit about each other - There’s too many to fit in one house  - I have so many siblings jesus fuck 81. Share 5 facts about your best friend(s).

- One of them looks like an instagram hoe - My friends have known each other longer than they’ve known me - Emo/Weeabo phase hardcore - One of them drinks a lot - All of us are minorities in some way 82. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for in a partner?

I’d like to say that I’m humble but I’m a sucker for blonds. But tbh, I don’t really look so it doesn’t matter. 83. Share 5 ways to instantly win your heart.

- Buy me things - Reassure me that I’m wanted - Constantly compliment me - Let me know a lot about you - Make me laugh :))

84. Top 10 biggest turn ons?

Affection and validation are my only turn ons ;) 85. Top 10 biggest turn offs?

everything 86. Have you ever had a poem or song written about you?

Yeah. My boi™ writes haikus/poems for me all the time 87. What is your personal definition of cheating in a relationship?

Being close sexually/romantically/emotionally/physically with someone you aren’t dating. :/ 88. Give a description of the person you dislike the most.

They look like a piece of shit. 89. Write an open but anonymous letter to a person of your choice.

I’m sorry I’m not enough for you. 90. What are your morning and evening routines?

Brush my teeth, shower, lay back in bed. 91. If food was people, who would be your best friend, your life partner, your enemy and your ex?

my best friend is ham my life partner is wings my enemy is onions my ex is salisbury steak 92. Have any celebrity deaths truly impacted you?

No, I don’t think so. I’m not very invested in many celebs like that.

1638.

● Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced. ummm i’m not sure...maybe some books i loved ● What 5 websites do you visit often, and why? tumblr, insta, twitter, iheartwatson, pixlr ● Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it. i’m not sure ● What music album would be used for a movie about your life? lana del rey’s music ● List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them. biting my nails, smoking, doing dumb shit with i can’t sleep

● If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be, and what would you do if later on you changed your mind? omgsh so many things...i can’t just pick one. ● What are your religious beliefs? Have they changed, or have they always stayed the same? i’m a christian. i grew up an athiest, became a christian at 18, became a satanist in my 20s and was one for 5 years, now i’ve been a christian for the past 2 years. ● When was your last food craving, and what did you crave? idk probably during my period ● Who was your first crush and what made them special? Kyle and nothing really lol ● Name your most cherished childhood memory. reading the harry potter books for the first time ● Turn to an entry in your journal or diary from a year or more ago. What has changed and what has stayed the same since then? no ● What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? i’m not sure ● Robert Frost write a poem titled The Road Not Taken. Name a road you’ve always wanted to travel. Where do you hope it takes you, and what might you see on the way? um none? ● Name one thing you always wanted to do, but haven’t. What has prevented you from doing it? have kids; my meds ● Write about your first kiss. Was it everything you wished or hoped it would be? i mean it was really boring. i was just kissed ● What was the worst mistake or decision you have ever made in life? What could you have done differently? suicide attempts; um not done it ● What song was stuck in your head recently, and what were you doing at the time that made you think of it? i can’t think of a song

● Write about something you now know that you wish you knew earlier in life. How could this knowledge have helped you? therapy is important ● Write about your greatest fear. losing people i love ● Name one thing you feel brings out the good in people. love ● Describe a time in your life when everything turned out fine, despite the odds. i can’t think of one ● If you invented a device that could fix one problem you are facing right now, would you use it? What problem would you like to solve? something that took away anxiety forever ● Write about the last time you spoke to your best friend. What did you talk about? we talked about a film ● Describe a time you felt alone. all the time ● Name something you found; what was it and where did you find it? idk? ● What’s on your calendar for tomorrow? recording a podcast ● What is the most annoying sound you have ever heard? people brushing their teeth ● Describe your first job. i was a cashier ● What is the one thing you cannot live without? meds ● Quote the nicest thing anyone has ever said about you. "you’re a beautiful mess” ● Are you afraid of the dark? Why or why not? no ● Describe the longest amount of time you have ever been away from home. 6.5 months ● Write about a recent adventure or travels. i’m not going anywhere cause of covid lol ● Who did you idolize growing up? Emma Watson ● Name a celebrity or famous person you wish would take you out on a date. Leonardo DiCaprio ● Describe your daily routine when you get out of bed in the morning. start coffee, pee, check social media, email, and texts, read my bible and devotional, and then i practice french ● Name one thing you have always been good at doing. singing ● What is your favorite season, and why? i guess spring and just because ● What was the title of the last book you read? Little Fires Everywhere ● List your biggest regrets. living

● Have you ever seen a ghost? i believe so ● Describe your note-taking style and habits. i don’t really take notes ● Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? i suppose but i don’t know ● What comes to mind when someone uses the phrase prolonging the magic? I’ve never heard that phrase. ● Have you ever done something just to feel the danger, or to feel alive? no i don’t think so ● What is your favorite cliché? idk ● What are all your thoughts on god? i love God ● How do rainy days make you feel? happier than on sunny days ● What is the most amount of money you have had at one time? A couple grand. ● Write a celebrity crush list. Leo DiCaprio ● What is the most amazing thing you have ever seen, heard, or experienced? idk ● What effect does music have on you? depends on the song ● What did you learn today? What did you learn yesterday? i’ve learned some french both today and yesterday ● What 5 traits do people first notice when they meet you for the first time? their face, weight, clothes, smile, speech ● Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? not that i recall ● Does Never Never Land really exist? no ● Where is a great place to get breakfast? cracker barrell ● List 3 things that went right (or wrong) today. i just woke up like 2 hours ago so nothing ● What is the best method of travel, and in what ways have you traveled? plane; ive traveled by train, plane, and car ● If you could give the world just one thing, what would it be? healing ● What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? always science ● Describe the most outrageous thing anyone has dared you to do. idk ● Ice cream: chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? vanilla ● What historical events happened the year you were born? i have no idea what happened in 1990 LOL ● Pick up a random object that has special meaning to you and describe it in as much detail as possible. a stuffed frog. it was from my Nanny and i received it after she died. i haven’t been apart from that frog since i was 5 years old ● Write about a recent visit to a museum or art gallery. - ● What food items do you consider staples in a well-balanced diet? i’m no good at this ● Describe your feelings in regards to an issue in todays society, and what would be done to fix it. scared ● If you had only one wish, what would you wish for? covid gone ● If you could tell the world just one thing, what would you say? STAY INSIDE

● Share a dirty little secret about yourself (or someone else). no ● Have you ever gone skinny dipping? no ● Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. lately, reading ● What is the name of your favorite book, magazine, or publication? Harry Potter ● Describe your first car. it was grey and it broke down alot lol ● Thunderstorms… Inspiring or scary? i hate them!!!!!

asks you didn’t ask for

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

haha what i mean maybe

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2

3. The person you would never want to meet?

trump

4. What is your favorite word?

thick but spelled thiqq currently

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

one of those flakey paper trees haha

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

i thought about how bright my friends bathroom was at 7am

7. What shirt are you wearing?

a vacation bible shirt i made in 2014

8. What do you label yourself as?

lame haha also bisexual...finally figured that one out

9. Bright room or dark room?

DARK

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

sleeping on my friends couch like a baby

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

this age...17

12. Who told you they loved you last?

my dad like 2 mins ago

13. Your worst enemy?

ha this bitch that hates me bc i like to gossip

14. What is your current desktop picture?

a pic i took at my lakehouse

15. Do you like someone?

YES

16. The last song you listened to?

something by Taylor Swift on the radio, an older song

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

trump haha

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

look @ 17 haha

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

anna kendrick but we would just hangout and watch whatever she wants on tv and drink or something like whatEVER she wants

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

legs?? band and wakeboarding man thats all i got

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

id probably look like a big fuck boy and id just like stare at my dick all day probably like that one guy from the new jumanji hA

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

clarinet and saxophone?? like its not a secret but i know a lot of people dont know i love to play

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

this is a big fear of mine: falling off the side of the road when i drive like expecially in construction zones anxiety at a max there

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

still gonna eat a no.5 from jimmy johns, no onion and gimmie those bread guts

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

save it, or on something real stupid probably shoes ngl

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Spain

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

UM IDK UVBLUE OR SOMETHING IDK

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? 

you have to be enthusiastic all the time

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

my entire fucking bed or actually my aloe plant haha

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

that time i passed out at the dr bc i was supEr anemic and that whole experience in general and everything that came with it i would erase and my lif would be so great 

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

hell yea

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

my grandma would come back SO QUICK

34. What was your last dream about?

idk man probably something dumb

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

hhh probs no

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

see me passing out at the doctor bc of anemia @31 

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

yes bitch 

38. What is the color of your socks?

i hate socks but most of mine are super funu or boring white

39. What type of music do you like?

LITERALLY ANYTHING 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunset bc i dont like getting up at the ASSCCRACK of dawn

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

strawberry

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

PACKERS

43. Do you have any scars?

oh boy here we go. right above the toes on my left foot i have 3 little like, circle scars from a pool. I have 3 lines on my inner right calf from a damn stick. on my left thigh i also have a line but its kinda thiq blobish from another stick. on my left middle finger i have a mark from a knife one time when i was widdling a stick into a frikin pencil o something,, never finished that haha. i have a mark on my right hand from MY ZIPPER. i have a big mark on my upper left arm from a hot as fuck bread tray i walked into at work thats cute. I think thats everything, and as you can tell im just a clumsy bitch!

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

ha idk something with forensics maybe??? help

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

more outspoken

46. Are you reliable?

ya i gotchuu

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

how are you

48. Do you hold grudges?

na

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

dog whale haha idk

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

those conversations you have with band friends where you dont need words its just like grunts and noises and like “the like thing where” “yeah yeah that” “but like” “like ohhh”. like those

51. Are you a good liar?

honestly no but i lie a lot hate myself for that oops

52. How long could you go without talking?

maybe a day

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

A BOB JESUS FUCK WHY DID I DO THAT

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

eh no

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

no

56. What do you like on your toast?

butter or ppeaunut btter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

haha couldnt tell ya

58. What would be you dream car?

jeep idk

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

i sing to myself and cry also i sit down bc im lazy and my shower is also a bathtub so i pretend im like sitting in a rainstorm or waterfall or some shit idk

60. Do you believe in aliens?

yes there is literally no way they dont exist

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

no

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

what kinda question is this

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragon bitch

64. What do you think about babies?

CUTE BUT STOP CRYING

Living With Mental Disorders

1-800-helpmee

I read a quote the other day that said, “someone once told me the definition of hell; on your last day on earth, the person you could have become will meet the person you became. -- anonymous”.

YOWCH.

And also, YEAH.

AND ALSO— I already wrote a whooole draft about this idea, AND THEN MY COMPUTER CLOSED CHROME UNEXPECTEDLY SO I LOST IT ALL AND NOW I AM QUESTIONING IF I WANT GO GO THROUGH THE HASSLE OF WRITING THIS AGAIN SO I AM WRITING THIS IN THE NOTES SECTION OF MY COMPUTER SO IT WILL SAVE IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN. (I think?)

I hope so…

You know what else I hope for?

SOLUTIONS.

You see, a few years ago I was diagnosed by my incredible Jewish (I’m only including this in here because I think it’s rad— I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints aka LDS aka “mormon” ((which you might have thought: JENN, why didn’t you just say that first??? And I’d say- heheheh. Somewhere down the line, someone gave us that title as a nickname- probably trying to be derogatory, buuut uh, like most things in life meant to be not so cool, jokes on them, babyyy! because we’ll now use it occasionally in order to clarify, BUUUUT the real deal is: LDS, or latter-day- saint AND ANYWAY- I JUST FEEL THIS BOND TOWARD JEWISH PEOPLE BECAUSE IDK I JUST LOVE THEM AND THE FAMILY EMPHASIS THEY HAVE AND ALSO THAT I FEEL LIKE WE’RE ALL A LITTLE MISUNDERSTOOD, YOU KNOW? Anyway- everyone on earth is rad. People are rad. YOU, beautiful person, ARE THE RADDESET. Anyyywayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy yeah.. MOVING ON.. on to my psychiatrist-- who is also a native New Yorker AND I would meet with him out in Manhattan- his hometown, if I remember correctly, WHO diagnosed me with ADHD, anxiety and depression. I feel confident that if I were to spend more time with him, he would be able to add to this list. HOWEVER, as I’ve spent more introspective time with myself, I’ve been able to notice other patterns and behaviors THOUGH I wasn’t clinically diagnosed with them, so, I won’t add them to the list.. (Though, between you and me, I’m looking at you- OCD, & other mood disorders, etc, etc… YAY.)

If you’re familiar with these things, then I bet you are also familiar with the fact that it also feels like a catch-22. I have ADHD, which makes it hard for me to focus on anything, which then feeds into my anxiety about so many various things WHICH THEN leads me to be depressed and feel hopeless. Granted, other things affect my anxiety and depression as well, BUT having ADHD certainly paints a more colorful picture. (Insert the laughing//crying emoji here…)

Ahahahah. ANYWAY- YEAH. MENTAL HEALTH. Guys, I forgot my brilliant point I was making in my “rough draft” version of my post (aka, the one that was genius and got deleted—)

BUT I WILL ALSO SAY THIS:

There is a passage in the bible that states: “the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” Often, this can be used in the context of: we have carnal appetites that sometimes overrule our best and highest selves—

I like to also think of it like this: my divine self understands my true and full potential as a child of God- as a child of the Most High AND I am “trapped" in this beautiful body that enables certain beautiful things AND ALSO- comes with different limitations. OR PERHAPS EVEN: a body to help me actually realize my true and fullest self! In fact, I believe that’s the case— with my body, I am able to more fully recognize my SELF and grow and learn and develop.

So, thank you, body, for helping me understand and develop my mind.

Today was particularly hard, though.

I woke up at the crack of noon, having the hardest time getting out of bed. (I wish I could tell you that this is a really rare thing for me, buuuut- since we’re honest here on tumblr, I’ll tell you that noon= probably on the more “early” side for me… YEAH. I KNOW. ahahah.)

ANYWAY- I rolled outta bed, ate a healthy breakfast (thank you, pecan milk, for being so dang delicious—) AND had a meeting with my incredible brother//manager.

A few minutes into the meeting, I found myself being tossed his car keys and being commanded to go buy these natural supplement things that help with focus BECAUSE I STRAIGHT UP HAVE BEEN LIVING FAR BENEATH MY CAPACITY.

You see, a while back as I was debating on whether or not I should take medication to help me focus, a common theme among people I questioned about their experience on the medication was: they didn’t really feel like themselves. At least, with one girl in particular that I questioned. AND- I’ve probably shared with you this idea before, buuuut- I’m just a little gal that really likes being present and aware. (So alcohol? SEE YA, not into it. Laughing gas at the dentist? Last time I had it, half-way through, I found myself motioning for them to take it off my nose- I hated that feeling. I hated feeling that I wasn’t aware. That I wasn’t fully present and in control of myself. I felt like I was in this weird limbo land where I was susceptible to anything and I haaaaated it. SO- medications or even food with side effects that aren’t positive? I do my best to steer clear from…)

ANYWAY- TODAY WE REACHED A POINT WHERE BASICALLY:

It hurt enough. It hurts enough that I feel trapped in my inability to focus and make things happen. i’m tired of feeling like my spirit is willing, but my flesh is weak because really- our bodies are beautiful gifts that help us MAXIMIZE on performance, SO- I want to do my best to take care of this beautiful vessel AND access the divine within AND THROUGHOUT.

So- here’s to you, little natural energy packets.

Just whipped out $70 to get a month’s supply AND LET’S SEE WHAT MAGIC UNFOLDS, I’LL KEEP YOU POSTED.

AND here’s to you, all you dreamers—

YOU GOT THIS.

WE GOT THIS.

OUR MENTAL “DISORDERS” CAN BE OUR GREATEST ASSETS. I TRULY BELIEVE THIS.

I’m on a quest to learn about mine SO, I can harness the power they hold for growth and change and resilience and soooo many other beautiful things that will HELP and PROPEL me FORWARD toward reaching my goals & highest self.

(even if sometimes it feels like they’re drowning me, you know? LEARNING. LEARNING.)

You’re beautiful.

Happy Monday!!!

xxxxxxxxx

All the love,

J