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katzuyas · 5 years

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blood drips from the fingers of the hand that suddenly rips through the flesh of the man who was bout to cut yuuri’s head off with one clean swing of his sword, and yuuri can’t exactly say he minds this sudden development. there is a clean hole in the man’s chest when he’s discarded to the side like a piece of insignificant dust, but yuuri’s too busy gazing at the one who saved him to look closer at all the gore.

because before him stands the most handsome man he’s ever seen.

it’s part admiration, part disgust that stirs in yuuri’s belly as he watches the man lift his bloodied hand to his lips and suck his fingers clean. something very disturbing seems to be happening before his very eyes, and yet... and yet, yuuri feels himself bewitched to the point of staying there and watching.

“did I scare you?” the man asks, licking his hand clean much like a cat. a hell cat. one of those feral beasts that feast on rotten flesh and--

“um,” yuuri swallows. “no?”

he’s risking it, he thinks, but when he considers it closer, it’s not really a lie that he gives in reply. he’s only partially scared. everyone would be after someone tried to kill them, and yuuri’s fear stems from that alone, it looks like.

“oh?” the man cocks his head to the side. he looks at yuuri with bright blue eyes, which shine like gems and steal yuuri’s breath altogether. “so you aren’t scared of me?”

“should I be?” yuuri asks back, wondering where he gets the audacity to question a being who can rip through a human with enough ease as he just witnessed.

maybe it’s his close brush with death that’s given him the courage, or maybe it’s another feeling -- one of premonition of what’s to come -- that tells him his adventure into the land of the dead might not yet be far off, but yuuri finds strength in his limbs and lightness in his heart, so he stands.

and he looks the man in the eyes with no fear. “are you going to hurt me?”

the man seems to be as surprised at yuuri’s question as yuuri is at his own daring.

“hurt you? no!” he shakes his head and his silver hair flits about like spiderwebs on a light morning breeze. “why would you even think that? I’d never hurt you.”

“well,” yuuri clears his throat, looking to where the corpse of the man who tried to take his life has yet to chill. “that might have something to do with my question, but... if you aren’t here to hurt me... and you just saved me... then, how-- I mean, who are you? and why did you help me?”

the little breath that escapes from the man’s lips is much more hushed than a gasp. much more... disappointed, yuuri decides when he sees the crestfallen look on the man’s face.

“you don’t know,” comes the reply, and yuuri frowns.

of course he doesn’t? how could he--

“you called for me.”

“what?” yuuri blinks, surprised. “no, I didn’t. I would’ve known if--”

“but you did,” the man insists. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise. you called me, or, well, your soul did? when humans come close to death their souls resonate, you see, and some of you have the strength to call one of us.”

humans, yuuri’s mind repeats as it reels. one of us.

“who... who are you?” he repeats through trembling lips.

the man’s smile is a slow thing, and it’s beautiful. it’s beautiful, but all of his handsome face is. it’s in his eyes that the beauty ends, or maybe, maybe that’s where it truly begins, because his blue gaze glows with power that is darker than any yuuri has seen.

he shivers when the man steps up to him, almost jumps in unease when he kneels. yuuri’s hand is taken and brought up to those smiling lips. there’s blood stains on his skin now, too, from the leftovers of his almost-killer, and yuuri’s stomach turns when he feels a kiss pressed to the inner part of his wrist -- right where his pulse flutters like a bird trapped in a cage against its will.

“I am nothing but your loyal dog, my liege,” the man whispers.

his warm breath settles in the palm of yuuri’s hand, distracting, but not distracting enough.

“my what?” yuuri asks. his voice comes out broken, so he clears his throat, and says again: “I don’t understand. how...?”

“you called upon me,” the man explains. “and I answered your call. I am now yours to command until the day you inevitably die.”

“but I didn’t,” yuuri insists, this time harder. he shakes his head. “I couldn’t have.”

“whyever not?”

the man peers up at him. he looks so perfectly poised while he continues to kneel at yuuri’s feet that yuuri trembles within himself from how beautiful it makes him. he knows he shouldn’t, but... he was already set to die tonight and he didn’t. so maybe luck was on his side, after all. maybe... maybe enough of it to let him get away with even more.

he slips his hand away from the light grasp and bows over until he can take the man’s face in his hands and set their foreheads together in faux gentleness. and he knows it instantly when the man realizes the change in the atmosphere around them, for those brilliant blue eyes widen in surprise that is heavily meshed with awe -- the awe that somehow makes yuuri feel powerful, more so than usual.

powerful, and stupid.

it’s that feeling that makes his brown eyes glow red, and it’s that feeling, too, which has him give the silky whisper of truth that only sparse few have ever heard:

“because I have no soul to call you.”

the man’s breath comes fast and hard, but he hears the truth in yuuri’s words, sees it in his inhuman eyes. gently, he turns his head towards the corpse of what must have been his intended master, the one that called him and the one he should’ve served, and yuuri lets him. he lets go.

“oh dear,” the man says, yet his voice does not indicate much upset about the way things have turned out. “I guess... I made a mistake? now that is no fun. I will need to head back to hell then...”

he stands up, but... he doesn’t look like he’s in a hurry. in fact, he looks as if he wishes for a reason to stay. something to keep him here...

“before you go,” yuuri says before he thinks twice about it. “thank you for saving me. I would have died if he succeeded, so whatever trouble you’re in because of that, I feel like I should help you. so if you, well, that is, there is little I can do, but if you need a place to stay or to lie low for a while--”

“really?” the man blinks, and then breaks out into a smile so dazzling that yuuri feels the urge to shield his eyes. “could I stay with you then? I’m in no hurry to return, honestly. it’s so... dreary down there, you know.”

“but won’t you be in trouble if you don’t, I don’t know, report this? at least?”

the man shrugs. “they probably already know. besides, I’m glad I did what I did. I’d rather serve you than that pile of--”

“you don’t even know me,” yuuri tells him, a little amused, but mostly just too surprised at the turn of events to be fearful.

“but I’d like to know you,” the man replies easily. as easily as he slides up to him. as easily as he takes yuuri’s hand again, and as easily as he wraps his arm around yuuri’s waist almost in a parody of a dancing stance. “I’d very much like to know you... all of you.”

blood rushes to yuuri’s cheeks like it never has before, but even though the night is dark, he’s sure that this man can see it. he’s standing so close that he must, and yuuri knows it when he takes in the smile on his lips: a quirked, playful little thing that brings even more heat to yuuri’s face.

“how can I make a decision like that if you refuse to answer any of my questions,” yuuri says, but his protest is a feeble one. he already knows that he will not be able to resist this man’s charms. not now, not ever, most likely.

“then ask again, and I shall give you whatever it is you wish for.”

the man brings yuuri’s hand to his lips again, but this time he chooses to rest a kiss on yuuri’s knuckles instead of his wrist. if possible, it seems even more intimate than before, and yuuri’s heart beats double inside his chest.

“your name first,” he asks, unable to lift his eyes from where the man holds his hand in a grasp that is far gentler than yuuri would imagine. “and, who are you?”

“victor,” the man breathes. “my name is victor. and I’m a hellhound who answers the call of a human soul ready for eternal damnation. but, for you, I will be whoever you wish me to be--”

yuuri shakes his head as he looks up, right into his eyes. “no. you are who you are, and you will be who you decide to be. I have no right to change that, or ask it of you.”

victor’s surprise is clear, surely he hasn’t expected this. something in yuuri softens at the sight and it’s that same something that chooses to rest his trust in this man -- in victor -- whom he only just met, but whom he feels like he was supposed to meet all along.

“I’m yuuri,” yuuri says, and smiles when victor’s eyes meet his again. “yuuri of the katsuki clan. and I’m a vessel of the the squid god of hasetsu bay. my soul has already been claimed, but, with what little of myself there is left, I am pleased to make your acquaintance, victor.”

“oh, I assure you, yuuri,” victor chirps, sweet and playful, “the pleasure is all mine.”

he kisses yuuri’s hand again, yet this time his lips linger on yuuri’s skin just a bit longer while silver eyelashes flutter as victor closes his eyes. he breathes in deep, which makes yuuri flush all over again.

he quickly realizes why victor has done it, though. he’s a hellhound. he must have been familiarizing himself with yuuri’s scent, so that he could recognize it among the many others. and yet, once he figures it out, yuuri’s blush doesn’t go away. it only deepens, and deepens still when victor peers up at him with a gaze that is far more smitten than yuuri could ever hope it to be.

“you... um,” he bites his tongue from how fast he wants to speak, and needs to look away as embarrassment churns in his throat. yet, looking away from victor is harder than anything he’d ever done, and yuuri soon finds himself glancing his way again. “you said,” he tries again, “you said that you’d like to stay here, yes? if you still do, then my parents have an inn not far from here. we all live there, so if you--”

“I’d be honoured,” victor confesses, voice and eyes soft.

and yuuri, as he leads him by the hand which victor refuses to let go of, cannot deny that his heart feels oddly soft as well.

he was meant to die this night, but instead he has found himself with this strange man, who makes him feel strange things, and strangest of all? he has found himself trusting him, caring for him, and... before the cherry blossoms sprout their petals as spring takes her first steps, he finds himself loving him -- a hellhound from hell, who appeared in his life bloody, and who made all the blood in yuuri’s body run that much faster.

a hellhoud, a man, who showed him that even without a soul life has enough to offer to live, to love, and to be loved.

the hellhound, the man, whom yuuri has given what little of his was left to give: his heart.

#yuri on ice #victuuri #viktuuri #yuuri katsuki #victor nikiforov #victuri #vikturi #my fic #I'm struggling so bad with writing these days #it took me 3 days to write this #ugh #but I think I will be slowly trying to start writing again #even tho it's painful rn #yrdcyvfhbn #enjoy I guess?

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journaloftomfooleryandjapery · 4 years

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All the TOP 10 OF THE DECADE posts made me want to make one of my own, so here’s my 10 fave games this decade:

Yakuza 0 Shovel Knight Nier Automata Metal Gear Rising Gunvolt Chronicles Luminous Avenger IX Final Fantasy XV Scott pilgrim vs the world the game Undertale Persona 5 Doom

Danganronpa 2, New Vegas, Touhou Luna Nights, Katana Zero and Mario Odyssey all only barely missed out, and it was a tough decision not to include them. I loved the shit out of those games but thinking it through I decided they were just slightly less loved by me than the above.

Below the cut are some extended thoughts (of varying length) on the games included:

Just CTRL F if you wanna find a specific one

Yakuza 0

Every Yakuza game is delightful and this is definitely the best one, in my opinion. The Yakuza games appeal to me for a lot of reasons: the combat, the story, the variety of activities, the look of it all and the music. I feel like its a very unique game experience with its blend of weird in-depth side activities, serious crime drama, manly man masculine combat friendship melodrama, metal gear-esque convoluted conspiracies and a surprisingly compassionate view of the world it takes place in.

The combat is what drew me in initially because it just feels good, the feedback of stomping on a dudes face in yakuza is delivered perfectly, and the attacks are brutal, hard and flashy. Its a very solid and satisfying combat system and in 0 its the best it has ever been. The ability to switch between 3 different and equally fun fighting styles on the fly really lets you mix things up and adapt your approach, every style feels fun and useful. If i had to pick a favorite it would be slugger, but its a tough choice, and they are all very viable and FUN.

Yakuza 0 also gets big points for having the best story in the series. The protagonists feel much more interesting in this era, the fights feel more earned in this game than others, the relationships are incredibly touching (I’m almost mad majima didnt stay with makoto) and the substories (and some parts of the main story) are the funniest they’ve ever been. Stuff like the quasi-stealth mission where you have to make sure women don’t see you buying a porn magazine for a child, and the extended scene of kiryu trying to guess the right business manners for a meeting had me laughing so much i was i was almost in physical pain.

The extensive business and host club substories get you tons of extra game content and are good enough to almost be there own game. The other games in the series have extended side activites of varying quality, but i think 0 had a rare case of all of these being, basically, perfect. The team obviously agrees since host club management came back repeatedly, but never as good as it was here.

Being set in the 80s elevates almost everything in the game because of the outfits, money flying out of every enemy you attack, the classic sega games you can play at the arcade (Outrun is so much fun and I’d have never have given it a proper go otherwise) and the disco minigame everyones made a meme out of (that music is so catchy).

As a final note this game has the best boss fights and music in the series, which is a very high standard to surpass when you look at the rest of the series. The dual final boss fights, the recurring boss for kiryu and almost every majima fight are highlights of the entire series for me.

0 is going to end up being one of the few games I’ll never sell my copy of because i want it available for me to play forever, its a complete delight.

Shovel Knight

This game has been analysed to hell and back, so i wont have much original to say i suppose. Admittedly i did enjoy the first campaign but it didnt completely win me over, plague knights campaign and beyond was what really made this an all time greats for me. It’s one of very few games that gets the NES+SNES platforming appeal 100% right and essentially surpasses most games of the day, with almost perfect pacing, challenge and level design. IT helps that the whole world and story and look is charming as all hell. It’s an easy game to love and the more you play it the more that feels justified. Being PACKED with great content is also a plus. If you liked the first campaign you can just keep going through a set of campaigns about as good that only really rehash some level assets. I would say its one of the best 2D platformers ever for me, if not quite my true number 1.

ALSO JAKE KAUFMAN KNOCKS IT OUT THE PARK WITH THIS SOUNDTRACK

Since i have little else to add to the shovel knight discussion, here’s my ranking/thoughts on each campaign

Plague of shadows. BEST storyline, great levels with a really cool gameplay gimmick, the characters are all cute and the ending really makes me feel for him. both sorry for him at first and then a very real AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWW for LOVE

King of cards. king knight is just fun as hell to play as, he doesnt have that many tools but his movement is just crazy fun and i love the flair in all his animations. also has that rad final boss. joustus is ok i guess.

Shovel of hope. uuuuuuh what can i even say about this. its good, and the melancholy dream bits add a lot to the mood of the story. we’ve already analysed this campaign within an inch of its life i dont think i can say anything new. wish we could fight the battletoads on pc.

Specter of torment. still fun and i appreciate the tone change, but i didnt care as much for the characters and the mega man-esque level select doesnt suit shovel knight imo. specter knight has a lot of fun movement options though. mainly i just love GRINDING and the diagonal slash. i dont give a fuck about reize

Nier Automata

I feel a tiny bit ashamed i have so little to say about this considering it is one of the most emotional experiences i have ever had with a story. If i lsten to the final version of weight of the world i still cry just from remembering this game and how it made me feel. i think its one of the greatest narratives of the century but i can barely get across the appeal to anyone who hasnt already played it. its a story about hope, despair and the nature of the human race that never feels like its preachy or pretensious or taking on more than it can handle. it made me feel all kinds of emotions deeply and intensely, it genuinely made me burst into tears about 10 times, maybe more. even putting aside the ggrand narrative, theres so many cool character moments and bits of world building and visual eements and tragic little side stories that you would need a whole book to talk about them all while doing any real justice to them. i loved it so much that im paying £70 to see an orchestra do the soundtrack live. I want to hug and kiss 2b and 9s better. i just love it deeply and i find it hard to explain why it makes me feel that way, but its a dark beautiful and hopeful story where every moment feels earned. the despair of the story giving way to genuine hope with the rest of the world helping you fight for it is such an intensely emotional moment that you could never replicate outside of this kind of story and medium. how the fuck do i explain that to anyone that doesnt already get it. I’m glad this game exists

Metal Gear Rising

Well, complete tone shift here. Platinum made a lot of great action games in the last decade that all dig into that same itch for DODGE SLOW MOTION BANG BANG BANG alongside great soundtracks, visuals and awesome set piece moments. Just intense, flashy, awesome combat. Picking a favorite of the decade was the hard part, because a platinum game had to be one of my faves of the decade. The closest was transformers, but mgr has a couple of things about it that put it above the rest of the platinum catalog for me.

The story actually works very well at still being metal gear while in the platinum formula, its about the cycle of violence and FINDING YOUR OWN PURPOSE and it works weirdly well. The strangest part is that it feels like a legitimate sequel to metal gear 4 tonally while still being the crazy action game it is

Raiden is just super fun to play as, while I’ll always miss the DODGE SLOWMO in a platinum game parry and zandatsu give a great flow to fights and there’s real exhilaration to parrying a hard chain of attacks and tearing out a bunch of enemies spines at once every time

raiden is also just a fun protag, it truly allows me to embrace that kind of stereotypical edgy cool anime swordsman he embodies

BEST PLATINUM SOUNDTRACK DO NOT @ ME

Bosses just rule

one of the best final bosses ever, in my opinion? maybe that’s controversial, but armstrong gets an insane amount of characterization and pure PRESENCE out of such a small amount of screen time and the fact he feels like such a perfect rival to raiden so quickly is kind of nuts to me. within about half an hour you are ready for the ultimate final showdown with everything at stake, and then the gameplay 100% delivers on that with a fight that is challenging as hell and just feels climatic and intimidating. its a little thing, but having this dude just smack you around with his hands and almost no fighting skill after a game filled with crazy flippy cyborg ninjas makes him feel TOUGH and the way you finish him off? it just rocks, plain and simple. I don’t think i need to justify slices a massive dudes chest open and ripping out his giant still beating robot heart as the music climaxes and our cool edgy protag literally says WE’RE DONE HERE. truly, it has to be this way.

Gunvolt Chronicles Luminous Avenger IX

For fast twitchy 2d platformers this barely beat out Katana Zero and Touhou Luna Nights, but i think its just a little better. The skill ceiling on this game is high as hell and once you really get to grips with it, its an experience you cant find anywhere else. its just satisfying as hell to be able to get through the point where you can ZOOM through these levels by making use of copen’s dash and lock-on and weapons well enough. once you get good enough to get through a hole level without touching the ground, you just cant go back. I liked this enough to get an S rank on almost every level. this game just rules, man.

story, art and music are all great as well. but they pale in importance next to zippy jetpack zoom zoom fun time.

also great for having a cool twist that i genuinely did not see coming at all

Final Fantasy XV

For context, my experience of FFXV was not the base game so i cannot personally address the concerns of the version at launch, which i hear from others was a total mess! The game has been updated and changed so much that it is probably almost unrecognizable aside from the absolute base aspects of it. The version i am talking about is, as far as we know, the “final” version released right before Episode Ardyn. There was of course an update after this, but it only added DLC compatibility and a few items, so it means very little in the grand scheme. I also played all of the dlc and watched all the periphery material to get the full, messy disjointed experience. it is also worth noting that the only other FF game i have played is the classic title Mario Hoops 3 on 3 Basketball. I feel it important to tell you this before getting into things so that you can have a full idea of the perspective i come at the game from.

This was chosen over Mario Odyssey and someone will probably kill me for that. I just think its a great emotional story that does a fantastic job of making you care for all the characters, and the world feels massive and full of cool stuff to see. It’s my favorite open world game and i love The Boys. its not the kind of thing i usually play but i think it genuinely had a great story and its a very fun game to just explore and spend time in. ffxv truly understands the emotional bond between The Lads and it is fun to kill big monsters with your party

(they kinda ruin the last cutscene in english, in japanese he says I LOVE YOU GUYS and it makes me cry but in english he goes U GUYS ARE THE BEST which just isnt the same. a small nitpick though. a lot of this game made me cry regardless, its just great at creating an emotional bond)

I admire the insane level of ambition in the visuals and scope, and i bought every dlc for it because it was just that good. the ifrit boss fight and all the giant monsters are just amazingly epic in scale. the “found a cool rock” post is what i truly admire about this game summed up.

all the ancillary material for the game is great and worth getting into, with the exception of the Comrades multiplayer expansion. Everything else adds depth to the story and the world without being entirely necessary for you to get through the story. the anime and the dlc all really feel worth getting into without being something you have to see to get The Full Experience

the giant monsters are cool

Scott Pilgrim vs the World: The Game

Being from 2010 this game only just makes it in, but it was my favorite beat em up this decade and a source of great nostalgia for me. It had a pretty big impact on music and art tastes in regards to games, and in retrospect this games existence was very much a dream team scenario. Paul Robertson is a great sprite artist who does a lot of good work, Anamanaguchi have gone on to become one of my favorite bands (another winter is still one of their best tracks imo) and at the time this came out i was obsessed with scott pilgrim. That plus the beat em up gameplay makes this kind of a perfect blending of a lot of my specific tastes. Playing this brings me back to the time in my school life that i played it very distinctly, a more comfortable time in my life for sure, and i think the game still stands up excellently. I hope that someday it will get a rerelease so others can enjoy it. I give this another play through every year or so, but i wish id gotten the dlc while it was still available

Doom

ITS VIOLENT ITS FAST ITS FUN ITS METAL

i like this game because of the intense adrenaline rush and violent catharsis it gives me, essentially a constant dopamine rush

fun game good

Undertale

I’m glad i got to this before the massive wave of spoilers and popularity came about. It’s a great story with some fun gameplay, and i think SANS UNDERTALE was one of the best boss fights this decade. Its a shame that for so many new players this experience is going to be ruined by spoilers

Persona 5

Danganronpa 2 and fallout new vegas were close contenders for this last spot. I actually made a post about my thoughts on this game before https://journaloftomfooleryandjapery.tumblr.com/post/184341270554/nue-is-great-love-his-goofy-design-when-life-will but essentially

Essentially, its got a great cast of characters, a cool slick look, great monster designs, a fun gameplay loop of collecting monsters and grinding stats while waiting for the next big event, and a surprisingly good story

No idea if royal is any good, but its on a pretty small list of games that i might actually take the time to replay

#game thoughts

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catradoramma · 5 years

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Since im a prompt junkie i had a catradora one for you! How bout a not super angsty one. But like, Catra defects from the horde (taking scorpia and entrapta with her) they dont join the rebellion and adora hasnt seen or talked to catra for like..a few years. Que princess prom and catra/scorpia/entrapta showing up like the newly matured bosses they are. (Of course its gotta end with a catra/adora make up kiss xD)

Deca-Annual is Not Enough

A few years after the Horde had been defeated, Bright Moon hosts the deca-annual Princess Prom, and a few people Adora thought had died are decidedly not dead.

hi, this prompt is perfect and i love it. I pumped this bad boy out in a couple of hours today. It is kind of angsty, but like, not in a bad way, you know?? idk. i hope you like it :))))))

Adora felt something heavy and proud bubble up in her chest as she looked around the ballroom at Bright Moon. Hundreds of princesses, princes, and non-binary royals danced, and chatted, and laughed in the room below. It was the first Princess Prom since the Horde was defeated a few years ago, and even though this was only technically the second Princess Prom Adora had attended, she knew it felt a lot lighter, and freer, and happier than the last one did.

Despite the happy atmosphere, however, Adora couldn’t help but feel like something was missing. Or rather, someone was missing.

There had been a handful of deaths since the beginning of the war, and while Adora was hesitant to say they’d been lucky…they’d been pretty lucky. Even if it felt like her heart was being crushed by their absences, Adora knew their loss of life could have been much, much higher.

“Hey Adora!” Glimmer appeared, a wall of glitter dissipating into the air as she approached. Adora’s heart clenched at the phrasing.

“Hey Glimmer,” Adora smiled. “Enjoying the party?”

Glimmer groaned, “Yeah, sure, if you count being sucked up to by almost a thousand royals fun.”

Adora laughed, “No wonder Frosta hated us during the last one.”

Glimmer rolled her eyes, “No wonder.” Glimmer shook her head lightly, “I’m surprised we didn’t get kicked out earlier, because I swear, if one more person says they just absolutely love my hair and my castle and my dress I’m going to punch a wall.”

Adora laughed, “Glimmer, I absolutely love your hair—”

Glimmer screamed playfully and pushed Adora, “You suck! You’re the worst! I hate you!”

Adora laughed and playfully deflected a few of Glimmers attacks. “Mercy, mercy,” Adora finally said after Glimmer managed to hit a few too many of Adora’s ticklish spots.

“You’re lucky you’re my best friend,” Glimmer laughed as she back off, “Otherwise I would have no choice but to finish you.”

Adora rolled her eyes, “I’m quaking in my boots.” The two girls laughed together, leaning on the balcony railing as they did. Adora passed her eyes over the crowd, hoping to catch a glimpse of wild brown hair and an adorable tail before she could stop herself.

Even five years after Catra’s disappearance and presumed death, Adora still couldn’t stop herself from looking for her.

Glimmer placed a hand on Adora’s arm, a sad smile on her face. “You know there’s still a chance—”

Adora shook her head and cut her off, “She’d dead, Glimmer.” Adora sent Glimmer a shaky smile, “I just forget sometimes.”

Glimmer’s smile wilted a bit more, “Adora—”

“No, Glimmer,” Adora pulled out of Glimmer’s hold, but not meanly. “She’s gone. She’s been gone. I can’t keep letting myself hope only to get let down, time and time again.”

Glimmer sighed and opened her arms. Adora walked into them and allowed herself to just be hugged. “I know, Adora,” Glimmer sighed into Adora’s shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

Adora didn’t say anything, she just pulled Glimmer in tighter. After a few beats, Adora pulled away, holding Glimmer by her shoulders. “Now, what do you say we go find Bow and have a good old fashioned Best Friend Squad dance party?”

Glimmer beamed, “I love that! Meet you on the dance floor, I have to make the announcement anyway.” Adora nodded and then Glimmer was disappearing in a poof of glitter.

Adora smiled and turned back over the balcony to look for Bow.

Adora’s heart stopped in her chest when instead she locked eyes with Catra.

Catra who just walked into the Bright Moon castle.

Catra who had been presumed dead for the last five years.

Her hair had been cut short, hanging just under her chin. The Horde-issued headband she used to wear was gone, replaced instead with adorable bangs that framed her face perfectly. One of her ears had been pierced, her face was somehow more angular, and her eyes were sharper, but she was still the most beautiful thing Adora had ever seen in her life.

“Catra,” Adora breathed, because that’s all she could do. Adora refused to blink, terrified that if she did, Catra would disappear again—just a figment of Adora’s imagination. “Catra,” Adora said again, he voice louder this time as she watched her move across the ballroom next to Scorpia and—and Entrapta?

It was almost like it was in slow-motion. People recognized the trio as they moved through the crowd, parting for them like they were some sort of etherial beings. Adora wanted to look for Perfuma—who had been so devastated by Entrapta’s death—but couldn’t tear her eyes away from Catra.

Adora wanted nothing more than to run to Catra’s side, to gather her in her arms and kiss her until she couldn’t kiss anymore. Adora wanted to touch her, to make sure she was real, to run her fingers through Catra’s hair feel the way Catra’s tangles caught them.

Adora wanted to wrap Catra up and never let her go again.

But her feet were glued to the ground, and her muscles were locked, and Adora had never frozen like this before. Even in the face of every horror and monstrosity she faced while battling the Horde, she had never frozen like this.

It seemed, even years after they last saw each other, Catra was still the exception.

“Adora!” Bow called, shaking Adora out of her trance. “Adora!” Bow’s voice was frantic and Adora reluctantly looked away from Catra.

Adora must have had a shellshocked look on her face—hell, she felt shellshocked. She felt hollow, like all of her insides had been scooped out of her, like her feeble supports had been kicked out from under her. Bow gathered Adora into his arms, “You saw her then?”

“Yeah,” Adora breathed, her arms coming up numbly around Bow’s back. “She’s real?” Her voice shook, terrified that Bow was going to say no. “She’s here?”

“Yeah,” he muttered into her hair, and Adora thought she was going to collapse. She probably would have if it weren’t for Bow’s arms around her. “Yeah, she’s really here.”

Adora sobbed, “I need—“ she choked on her own rising emotions, her body finally rebooting. “I need to see her.”

She pulled out of Bow’s embrace and tripped her way down to the ground floor. Adora was grateful that she’d decided to go with sandals again this time around and not heels like she had at Glimmer’s coronation. Adora messily worked her way through the crowd, getting to the front just in time to see the trio bow (as is Princess Prom custom) to a stunned Glimmer at the front of the ballroom.

Adora stumbled out of the crowd and up the stairs of the dias. She was distantly reminded of the first Princess Prom, and how Adora had stumbled up next to Catra then too. This time however, she turned to Catra, breathless, and mumbled her name in reverence instead of disdain.

Adora brought her hand up to touch, but hesitated, unsure if that was something that was allowed after all the time and pain between them

Catra smiled crookedly and Adora thought she was going to die, “Hey Adora.”

And that was it.

That was all it took before Adora let out a sob and pulled Catra into a bruising hug.

— . —

“So, we laid low in Scorpia’s kingdom,” Catra explained as they walked down the hallways at Bright Moon. Adora found it hard to look away from the other girl. She had changed so much in the past five years: her hair was shorter, and he seemed more mellow, somehow, and her ear was pierced.

“We knew it would be too hard to join the Rebellion, and being part of the Horde was no longer an option. I still wanted to fight, and Entrapta wanted to keep building things, and we all wanted to help, so we started doing undercover missions independently,” Catra went on.

Adora pursed her lips, “Why did you stay away for so long? I thought you were dead.”

Catra sighed and scratched the back of her head. “At first it was to keep the Horde off of us,” she cut her eyes toward Adora, “And I was angry still so I didn’t really want to see you.” Catra sighed and kicked an imaginary rock, “But the anger eventually went away and the war ended and…” Catra shrugged. “I didn’t really know what to say.”

“I’m sorry,” Adora said, because she didn’t know what else to say.

Catra sent Adora a fond smile because of course Catra knew. “You don’t have to be sorry. I know you’re a dumbass.”

“I’m sorry?” Adora said again.

Catra laughed and it sounded like music, “It’s okay. It’s part of your charm.”

“Thanks, I guess,” Adora said. It was supposed to be grumbled, but Adora was just so glad to see Catra alive and well that she couldn’t bring herself to be grumpy. Catra bumped her shoulder into Adora’s and they walked in a surprisingly comfortable silence for a few beats.

“Have you figured out what to say?” Adora finally asked.

Catra let out a little chuckle, “Not really,” she admitted. “But Scorpia thought it would be a good idea if we came,” Catra paused and shoved her hands into the pockets of her suit. “Scorpia had a couple of friends from before that she wanted to see, and Entrapta wanted to see how different things would be at a celebration post-Horde.”

“And what about you?” Adora asked.

Catra pursed her lips, “I guess…” she glanced at Adora, “I guess I wanted to see you.”

Adora’s heart fluttered, “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Catra breathed, and it sounded like she’d been holding that in for a while. “I wanted to see you. I really wanted to see you.”

Adora stopped them from walking, turning Catra to face her. “Catra, I—” her voice cracked, “Catra, I missed you everyday. When news reached Bright Moon that you’d gone missing, I—” Adora swallowed. “It was the worst day of my life.”

Catra’s eyes finally met Adora’s and Adora hadn’t realized how much she needed that until just this second. Catra’s mis-matched eyes glittered under the shine of tears, the light from the crystal chandeliers bathing her in wonderful golden light.

“Adora,” Catra sighed, “I couldn’t—I didn’t—” her voice stuttered and she closed her eyes, a single tear falling. Adora wiped it away and Catra’s eyes fluttered open. “I was so angry, Adora. I didn’t want to say something I’d regret, and hiding from you was so much easier than facing you.”

Adora shook her head, “You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Catra.”

“I do,” Catra said, “I do. Scorpia says that I have to verbalize my feelings. I can’t just hold it in anymore.” Catra levelled Adora with a stare, “I need to tell you this.”

Adora nodded after a few beats. “Okay,” she nodded again, “Okay, I’m listening.”

Catra sighed and nodded again. “I missed you, Adora. I missed you every day, but when you left you broke my heart. And then we were literal enemies for years.” She looked away briefly. “When we were with the Horde, I always felt like I was never enough. Never enough for you, never enough for Shadow Weaver, never enough for the team. And when you leaved you proved me right.

“Well, no, you proved Shadow Weaver right, because she was the only one who thought I wasn’t enough. And I think that was the worst part. Because as long as you were there, I was enough for you.” Catra sighed. “That’s why I never joined you back then.”

“I—” Adora started, then stopped. “I never meant for you to feel like that.” Then Adora laughed, “But I was an idiot. I honestly never knew what the Horde was doing, and I never realized how back Shadow Weaver was to you. I never knew there was anything better beyond they Fright Zone.” Adora wiped a tear off of her own cheek. “And I’m so sorry I didn’t get you out of there sooner.”

“It’s—” Catra cut herself off, “I forgive you.”

Adora smiled and threaded her fingers through Catra’s.

“I have to say, your entrance was pretty dramatic,” Adora teased.

Catra rolled her eyes, “Did you expect anything less?”

“I shouldn’t have,” Adora laughed. They stared at each other for a few beats, Adora just drinking in the sight of Catra before her. “You look amazing. I love the piercing.”

Catra smirked and her ear twitched, “It was Scorpia’s idea.” She brought her other hand up to fiddle with the earring. “You look pretty nice, too. You’ve got the whole princess thing down pat by now, huh?”

Adora laughed a little, a little pang going through her at the mention of Scorpia. “Yeah, I guess I do,” Adora smoothed one of her hands down the front of her dress. Adora cleared her throat and licked her lips, “Are you and Scorpia together?”

Catra sent Adora an extremely confused look, “What?”

Adora ducked her head and looked away as she felt her face grow warm. “Are you two—” she cleared her throat, “You know, together? Like—dating.”

“What?” Catra said again, “Dating? No!” Catra blushed and rubbed her palms on her pants. “We’re—she’s like my sister, oh my god.”

Adora sighed, a feeling of relief rushing through her so intense Adora thought she might need to sit down. “Oh, cool, yeah, sorry.”

“Why would you even ask that?” The fur on Catra’s tail was standing up, and Adora really missed that.

Adora chuckled, “I just—you were talking a lot about her, and I just thought maybe you two were—”

“Well we’re not so stop talking about it, oh my god,” Catra sounded mortified and it was kind of funny. Adora hid her giggles behind her hand.

“Why are you laughing at me?” Catra hissed.

“You’re just—” Adora gestured at Catra, “I missed you. I missed this.”

Catra blushed more, her ears standing straight up. “Yeah, well—” Catra twitched her ears down, “I missed this, too.”

They stared at each other for a few beats before Adora said, “I love you.” The words slipped out, but they felt right. Adora would never take them back, even if Catra didn’t want them.

Catra’s shoulders relaxed, and a slow smile curled over her face. “I love you, too.”

And when they kissed, it felt like going home.

#karleecatradorafics #catra #catadora #spop catra #catra x adora #adora #She-Ra #She Ra #shera #spop #fic #fanfic #mine #answered #quietpersona

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ninatastic · 5 years

Photo

@kay-licious how dare u (thanks <3) @silent-calling youre doing amazing sweetie

1. Are looks important in a relationship?

I wouldnt call it a key factor but it’s important to feel attraction towards your partner

2. Are relationships ever worth it?

sure! If it’s a healthy one definitely :D

3. Are you a virgin?

nah

4. Are you in a relationship?

yeh!

5. Are you in love?

I’d say so!

6. Are you single this year?

7. Can you commit to one person?

yes

8. Describe your crush

it me bf

9. Describe your perfect mate

same as above c:

10. Do you believe in love at first sight?

no, only when it comes to animals c;

11. Do you ever want to get married?

thats a dream of mine tbh

12. Do you forgive betrayal?

I guess every healthy person would say no but yes, I’d absolutely do (only the first time tho, after the second time you gotta ask yourself if it’s really worth it)

13. Do you get jealous easily?

in regard to my bf: I used to but it’s a hell of a lot less nowadays. In regard to people in general, sometimes, especially when im not doing well mentally

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

me bf

15. Do you have any piercings?

just have my ears pierced!

16. Do you have any tattoos?

no but maybe soon

17. Do you like kissing in public?

only if its sweet forehead or cheek kisses, or quick kisses on the mouth or hand kisses

20. Do you shower every day?

yes though I gotta admit I really have to force myself. Not because I like being stinky but because everything is kinda difficult sometimes

21. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

bruh I sure hope my bf does;;

22. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

nah

23. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

I’ve been in a relationship for 5 and a half years now, I think so

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

it is possible but who tf knows

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

idk, to be frank: I think my life would be a bit easier if I wasnt in a relationship, or if I hadnt been in a relationship for the past 1-2 years. And I often feel like im more of a burden to my bf than anything else. But thats a different story

26. Has anyone told you they don’t want to ever lose you?

as in losing touch with me? I guess so

27. Has someone ever written a song or poem for you?

a song yes and it was awkward as hell ajhajdfha and people have done drawings for me which is <3<3<3<3<3<<3<3<33

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yup

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

very very unfortunately yes, and just like a bunch of you guys I was this close to killing myself. I was in a very bad place which I know is not an excuse for this. I still think about it even if it’s been a time since then but I think I cqan never forgive myself because of that

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

often but im too much of a scared cat dsfskjf idk though, I would love to be much more petite size wise

31. Have you ever cried over a guy/girl?

oh often

32. Have you ever experienced unrequited love?

yeah;; I’m not exactly pretty or popular, so puberty was hard

33. Have you ever had sex with a man?

hell yeah

34. Have you ever had sex with a woman?

:( no

35. Have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeh!!

36. Have you ever liked one of your best friends?

Yeah and it’s difficult to be normal then aaaaaahhhhhhh

37. Have you ever liked someone who your friends hated?

some of my friends have a strong disliking towards my current bf but i dont know if you can call it hate

38. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

yeah and it ruined me for a while

39. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

uuuuhh not really I think

40. Have you ever written a song or poem for someone?

whenever I write bday cards I always put a poem in it :D

41. Have you had sex so far this year?

hella

42. How long can you just kiss until your hands start to wander?

depends on how thirsty I am

43. How long was your longest relationship?

5 and a half years and counting

44. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had?

2-3

45. How many people did you kiss in 2011?

uuhh I was 14, no one

46. How many times did you have sex last year?

HELLA

47. How old are you?

22 my dudes

48. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

I#d try to play it cool because internally I’m panicking, someone help me

49. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her?

I love about my bf how you can ALWAYS count on him when shit gets down, even if he hasnt talked to a friend for a good while and they’re like “hey I need you”, he’ll be there in a sec Also that he is still able to surprise me

50. If your first true love knocked on your door with apology and presents, would you accept?

jsdfhsjdfks GO AWAY, I’d say while closing the door and shutting the blinds quicker than lightning

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

yeah, but that’s probably because I have bpd and depressions

52. Is there anyone you’ve given up on? Why?

yeah, I tried to help them on all occassions, so much that I ruined my own life partially and made myself sick. But whatever I did or said, they apparently want to suffer, so i gave up trying.

53. Is there someone mad because you’re dating/talking to the person you are?

yeah my abuser probably

54. Is there someone you will never forget?

unfortunately yes and fortunately yes

55. Share a relationship story.

uuuuuuhhhhh; I dont really know what to write here. Guess I’ll never forget when my bf held a kitten (which was only a week old) in his hands and he almost cried because he loved the baby so much. Haha, he was afraid of crushing it though because it was much smaller than the palms of his hands

56. State 8 facts about your body

I gained a lot of weight since last year which is why I avoid posting or taking pics, but according to everyone else you dont see it that much (?); my hair is getting its natural curliness back; I fucked up my knee so I’ll have knee surgery next year; I bruise easily; I have a shit ton of scars; I love my super green eyes; I have thicc thighs and if I’m very emotional I get red spots all over my body

57. Things you want to say to an ex

to my first ever bf: fuck u lmao to the second bf I had: I’m so sorry for everything and I hope that you found your place :)

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

uuuhhh be sweet and understanding, be funny, be somewhat smart, dont be a mean asshole and be nice to other people (especially kids) and animals and also be able to be fascinated by small things

59. What do you look like? (Post a picture!)

yikes

60. What is the biggest age difference between you and any of your partners?

my current bf is 8 years older than me

61. What is the first thing you notice in someone?

how open and nice they are? Idk I always choose my ppl to hang out with according to this

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

even though I’m a switch I have a big preference for being the sub, so if someone can dominate me and yknow do stull like carry me princess style or something im all like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

everything that comes after kissing imo

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think as soon as you try to pursue someone emotionally that already counts as cheating

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

kissing, grinding, I love when someone talks dirty to me

66. What is your favourite roleplay?

if it aint too much of a tmi i’d love to admit that we have a collar and a leash so (not thinking about pet play uughfjhjsdfkhsd, just yknow someone is able to drag me to them like this or being held in place while being taken from behind is p nice)

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

something something being outside in the nature and also good food

68. What is your sexual orientation?

69. What turns you off?

super super wet kisses where also my nose somehow gets stuck in someone elses mouth Like dude r u a vacuum cleaner sdfhsdkjhfks

70. What turns you on?

being manhandled

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

idk I dont really have a lot of wet dreams and usually theyre not very kinky but rather sweet and slow

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

I like dirty talk, so imma leave that open

73. What’s something sweet you’d like someone to do for you?

i love to get flowers, or lil stuff that reminds us of our friendship or something, self made/home made stuff is always !!!!!!!!!!!!

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

probably hands? I love it when girls have super slender hands and when boys have rough and big hands

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

I already answered that c:

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

I have a few stories I’m proud of! But I really love this one: When I was little I grew up in a village in which like 300-400 people lived (maximum) and next to us lived this sweet older couple who always gave us sweets and vegetable for our parents, or they brought us stuff from when they went on vacation. The man is now constantly sick, he suffers from parkinson and you see the early statges of dementia setting in. A while ago he wanted to go and get the German version of fish and chips with his wife but due to him needing a ton of surgeriesw constantly he wasnt able to go out with his wife. When my mom told me this I was like wtf u cant just tell me this, I’m too soft. So I went and got fish and chips from the best market around us for him and flowers for his wife, despite the fact that I havent seen them in YEARS. When I arrived at their front door both of them hugged me and cried a bit

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

not bad if everything is consensual and if there’s a power balance thats equal

78. What’s your dirtiest secret?

I think the leash thing is one of the kinkiest things we’ve ever done tbh

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

yesterday a bit when my bf went out wth friends and had a few beers while I was stuck at home with the thought that I can never have a beer again dkadfjahdf as stupid as that sounds but I always enjoyed these chill evenings with a beer and friends

80. When was the last time you told someone you loved them?

this morning when I cuddled my cats :D

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

my bf and many videogame and anime characters, also my best female friend is hella attractive, also some of my friends are to die for

82. Who is the last person you hugged?

my bf!!

83. Who was your first kiss with?

my first bf sdfjsdfs

84. Why did your last relationship fail?

it didnt really work out, it seemed as he was more interested in saying “hey im in a relationship!” than in me, hah;;

85. Would you ever date someone off of the Internet?

yeah, sure

#ask #jeezus

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devirginme · 4 years

Text

dear m,

this might be tmi, but my love life was a mess from the very beginning. i was never eased into kissing with a peck, my first time i was pulled into a full on french kiss. i was so shocked i remembered i needed to keep my eyes closed only halfway through. first time i cuddled was with a pretty much stranger and out of spite because my crush at the time jokingly said he hated me. and my first date, well you know that one in detail, was a complete nightmare of a double blind date. its like there wasnt much happening up until i turned seventeen, and then my love life felt the need to catch up to date big time so it started doing leaps. it skipped basics, went straight into the juicy stuff and was basically in a hurry. i was in a hurry, until i met you.

i know at the time you didnt know what you were doing really either and was probably just going with your gut, but you put things into place. you asked me out on a proper date. at least here, i had seen you in real life before and it was just you and me, no other couple. and then you kept making it better from there. asked me out on the second date before the first one had ended. let me hang out with your dog. you brought a frickin dog up to aberdeen just for me, oh my god. i know its not a lot since you know i havent been on many dates, but that was my most favourite one.

you took to cuddling slow but steady. i love how it just happened naturally. i think i have a thing for hungover cuddles now, might even prefer them to sober, drunk or tipsy ones. fun fact, while cuddling with the infamous stranger, i actually found out that we were both in the same philosophy class, so guess who couldnt avoid an obnoxious seatmate the whole of that semester.

look, m. i can go on and on about things i liked about you, but it wouldnt have much point. i dont really know what is the point of this letter. i guess theres a lot of things you dont know, some of them left unsaid because we never ended up chatting about what happened. like the fact that i actually was so nervous for the first date i had three shots of gin, when i told you i didnt pre at all. ive been dying to tell you that. its nothing much, but i kept it in my sleeve as a comic relief that i could flip out at the beginning of the talk. thats when i still thought we would have one.

by the way, i am not an alcoholic. i have never had so much alcohol in such a short period of time. ive never been a nuisance or a blackout drunk falling off her feet liability so many nights in a row. i would just be so nervous as to how to act around you, in a public setting or with a group of friends around, that the only thing that would take it off of my mind at the time was intoxication. and id cross the line, every time. sorry.

anyway, back to what you never got to hear. i didnt tell you that you were the right guy that came at the wrong time. good hearted enough to bring used glasses back to the bar. making friends with my friends. making me laugh. making me smile. making my stomach flip at the thought of your touch. a scorpio, out of all signs. yes, i do care about astrology and yes, i tried to hide it very unsuccessfully, i know.

the truth is, i was so busy helping solve other peoples problems, i didnt notice my own forming. i had this weird belief that in order to give advice to others, you have to have your shit together, otherwise your advice wouldnt have value. so i assumed i did. but ohhh was i wrong. i was troubled. scared to distance from my friends because of a boy. scared of those friends becoming closer between themselves and distancing from me in turn. scared of losing a friend because of his differing views on relationships and him never seeing himself in one, so he subconsciously picked friends that didnt either.

i lost that friend either way. we fell out. so that worry was quite pointless, i made it last three more months until the guy cut me out of his life for no reason. now hes spreading lies and turning all our mutual friends against me. exciting.

i was also insecure. im on these very strong antibiotics for acne and it just made me feel like something was off with me the whole time. chapped lips for starters. overthinking. hell, i was insecure about my music taste? i look back at myself now and just think, how dumb. my favourite artists are jeremy zucker and alec benjamin, if you ever wondered. and i listen to pop artists a lot, but mostly to their unknown sad and slow songs. i have a thing for that stuff. not because im depressed, but because that type of music seems more genuine.

my mom once said i have this thing where when something is wrong, i try to fix it fully on my own, without anyones help. only i take it to the next level, pushing everyone away and cutting myself off. being harsh, sometimes coming off rude. and never, ever letting anyone in. like when i couldnt sleep at night and you asked whats wrong several times and i said nothing several times, but kept looking visibly frustrated. i think thats what my fears and insecurities came to. i just cut you off trying to solve myself first, only to find you fully moved on and with a change of heart once i was back to normal.

that hurt. but it was also what you would expect someone like you to do after what someone like me had done.

im still learning as you can see, and it looks like this was a learning experience. im just really sorry i hurt you in the process, too.

youre a good guy, m. and you were good to me, as jeremys song goes. you should really listen to the live in ny version.

and lastly, it was good while it lasted. i hope you have fun in germany on your exchange. and i hope we can be back to speaking terms at some point. like when you came up to us at the library, that meant a lot.

you meant a lot. and now you know that.

see you around, i guess. who knows where well be in two years time, after my exchange and your exchange is done and we find ourselves in aberdeen again. i just hope that if you ever read this, it hasnt become even more awkward between us. stop by, say hi, bring some muffins for a change. or a zucchini, you freak. whatever floats your boat.

i hope i see you around

*insert link to you were good to me - live in new york*

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kthhykwak-blog · 7 years

Text

April 5, 2017 is when my life completely turned around. Ive been feeling different ever since I came back from China in 2015. I graduated in Shanghai for high school and came back to Cali for college. I started attending ACCD. It wasnt the college i hoped to attend but it was the best college i got accepted to and my parents were so proud of me. I honestly was kind of excited but at the same time I was just doing it for my parents. I hated the idea of disappointing them. My first term there was utter hell. I couldnt have a social life and didnt realize i was falling into slow depression. Thats when i started smoking a lot. Normally id finish a pack within almost a week but from that moment, i had started going through two packs a day. I didnt care or think about my health because it helped me relax and do my work. Then when that wasnt enough, i turned to alcohol for the buzz. I just wanted to feel good. At first it was to help me with homework but after a month i was so dependent on it that it became a habit. I couldnt stop. Spring 2016 i became very sick in the middle of my term in which i took a medical leave and kept it a secret from my parents. By the time i got better, i had already missed two weeks of assignments and classes, it was nearly impossible for me to catch up. Thats when i started going out to Koreatown to drink with my friends. It made me forget and feel good. Something i hadnt felt in a very long time. I just wanted to feel free and happy again and alcohol helped. So it became a daily routine. I would pretend to go to school, come home, get ready, and leave for another night out. Some days Id come home drunk. Others, id crash at a friends place. By Summer 2016 I couldve considered myself an alcoholic. All i wanted to do was drink away my problems. Then i started getting close with an old friend Sanghyun. We started smoking weed together to the point i would be high 24/7. I never wanted to be sober. Id stay over his place as if it were my place. I became so comfortable staying there it felt like home. I enjoyed having him. Wed drink and smoke weed everyday. If we werent drinking, wed be smoking. As time went by, I started hanging out with another friend more but it was mostly for sex. His name was Michael. I was always comfortable around him and I considered him to be a good friend even if weve only known each other for a good month at the time. I started hanging out with Michael so much, i completely neglected Sanghyun. I felt bad but i guess i felt sex made me feel less lonely so i decided to stay with Michael. Again, i stayed at his place and it became home. At this point i was never home. Fastforward, i started growing feelings for him and as time went by, he asked me out and now he is my current boyfriend. The year started off great. He was my everything. I started to change to my old self because of him. I stopped drinking and smoking weed. But i did fall pregnant Jan 2017. We found out on Valentines day. It was of course a huge shock because it was unplanned. Long story short, i told my parents on my birthday because we planned on keeping the baby. But things went completely downhill from then. I cried everyday and later decided to go through with the abortion. I remember this day so clearly. The day before i was so angry. My mom had sold my car. I couldnt let go of the fact my parents forgot my birthday. I got into a fight with everyone around me. I was just so angry and frustrated because everything was happening so fast it was hard to keep up. And i knew depression was coming my way. My boyfriend came with me to the abortion clinic. It took a good half day and i remember seeing the ultrasound. My baby boy has grown so much. He was moving a lot and i could see his feet. I was 13 weeks in. When they told me to take the pill to open my cervix, I hesitated. In that moment i knew i didnt want the abortion and i wanted to talk to my boyfriend but i decided to just do it because i thought about my mom telling me to be realistic. So i did. I put the pills in my mouth with tears in my eyes. They later called me for the surgery. I dont remember the procedure because i was under local anesthetic. But i do remember after. I was very drowsy and i sat in the recovery room and started to cry. I saw blood coming out of my vagina and knew i just made the biggest mistake of my life. I know if i had the baby, i wouldnt have been able to give him a great life and if he blamed me i would be able to take that pain because the pain i felt after and now is far much greater. Somedays i cry thinking about it somedays i dont. After the abortion, my family and i werent on great terms. Long story short, i got kicked out. I have no money, no car, nothing. But i knew i made this choice to be with michael. And i was ok with it. I gave up my life for him. I do miss my family a lot. I wish i was still with them. I havent stopped crying since my birthday because there was one problem after another. I was living a great life but now im questioning if i made the right choice. I apologized to my family for acting the way i did and still after a couple days, no reply. And it hurts. I know i screwed up real bad. And i will never justify what i did. But i do wish they would still talk to me. I love my boyfriend even if its been offically 3 months. I can say he is the love of my life. Hes the first boy worth me wanting as my boyfriend. And i cant see my life without him. But these days, ive been questioning myself because of the way hes been treating me. I feel like ill never be a priority to him even after i gave up my life for him. Hes always putting games, friends or something before me and it hurts a lot. Not because i want attention from him all the time but because he knows what i went through to be with him. And still he continues to act as if nothing happened. And his mentality is not to dwell on things but how can i not? I just gave my life up for him. My car. My house. My family. Everything. And he hasnt been able to give up the one thing that means the most to him. Games. Not even just giving up playing games but give up some time to spend with me. He said games were always there for him but so was my family. A game is a game and family is everyone who loves you and would do anything for you and i gave those people up for him. I just wish hed take me seriously. And i know my house is always open even if they changed the password. If i was willing to come home and stay theyd let me. But i just want him to understand the sacrifices i made for him. I will forever miss my baby boy and i hope he knows i still love him forever and that im so so sorry for hurting him. I wasnt strong enough to keep him and i wish i was. It will forever be the biggest regret and mistake i will ever make in my life.

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