#i fucking LOVE making spreadsheets
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once every three months i’m like, making this budget will Fix Me
#liveblogging life#i made a SPREADSHEET this time#will i use it??? it's anyone's guess#i'm bad at saving money because i just really dont pay much attention to my spending#like... when i was EXTREMELY poor i had no choice bc i would get overdrafted if i didnt pinch pennies#but now that im like.... moderately financially stable i can be a lot more chill about my money#but i'm trying to save money to try to buy a house (!!) and potentially go to grad school (!!) so i have to have a much tighter budget#which means cooking again instead of ordering doordash [sob]#i fucking LOVE making spreadsheets#filling them out tho............ Yikes
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Books of 2023. VILLAINS by V. E. Schwab.
Time for a NaNo Prep Reread! I love Victor and this vicious little family with my whole chest. This'll be my second time rereading VICIOUS, but only my first time rereading VENGEFUL.
#books of 2023#villains#vicious#vengeful#ve schwab#books#book photography#seriously i love these so much#shades of magic was good but vicious as my heart lol#vicious held up on the first reread a few years ago so im excited to dissect it for the Revenge Arc this time#i feel vaguely bad because i remember nothing about marcella but. tbf. how could i when victor and sydney and mitch are RIGHT there#also this is just. so much better. than hench....#i finished hench at three o'clock this morning just to be Done#the pacing was Messy™ and it didn't get better#definitely brutal and fucked up (that body horror at the end was epic actually) but. overall mediocre for me....#parts did make me laugh and i'm love the spreadsheets take but. i couldn't get over the pacing#WHICH AGAIN I KNOW IS RICH COMING FROM ME#sigh#anyway i read the first scene this afternoon but now i'm gonna watch nate wreaking havoc in heist fambly while my laundry goes#and THEN bedtime reading
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we live in hell! at least the spreadsheet is pretty
#one thing about me is that i love making spreadsheets they help my anxiety sm#and abt the expenses list btw ik the food and stuff is SUPER low but that is bc#i'm in school and when i don't live in dorms i live at home ! the income is so low bc i work like... 9~ hrs a week atm? bc part-time and un#i got a lot of financial aid so my uni bills are covered by fin aid + my student loans (which i don't gotta make payments on yet) so last#quarter i paid roughly $20 out of pocket which is rly lucky and ik that#but mostly i just want a new car so i'm doing the math on it (my car has a stuck solenoid shift and probably other problems that i do NOT#want to deal with ! so i want a new one. lord knows itll take forever. but still.)#and its not like i wanna live at home forever but god knows how difficult that is in this fucking economy#anyway if anyone read all this and wants to talk spreadsheet or finances to complain abt the state of the union or just life i am ALL EARS#<3 i love doing that#cherri.txt
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me finding a new fun game to play
👀
me finding a new fun game to play that I can make a spreadsheet about
#lula's life#today's flavour of neurodivergent will be brought to you by#Moonlighter#and more specifically keeping track of the value of store items in order to sell them at maximum profit#I stayed up until 2am on a work night because I was so excited to make a spreadsheet#and then when I went to work I got to make more spreadsheets#I fucking love my job
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watched secret world of arrietty potentially my new favorite ghibli movie... not potentially i think it legit is
#i watched fourr movies today 2 ive seen b4 and 2 new ones... arrietty was one of da new ones#the other new one was orlando pretty good i liked how likee. artsy it was... it was very cool basically i liked it and i rly loved the#costuming#i do wish it had subtitles on site i use tho bc i had a hard time understanding.. not da movies fault bc i have a hard time comprehending#dialogue in a Lot of older movies.. but i liked it :]]#but anyways yes. one thing abt me i was obsesseddd with borrowers as a kid it was part of my fairy obsession. i was sososososooso hopelessl#delighted by the concept of tiny people who live secretly and their houses and furniture are all fashioned out of#everyday human objects it made me fucking craaazy#me and my siblings favorite activity used to be building fairy houses... we even had one playground we loved specifically#bc it had a bunch of trees with little hollowed out areas under the roots which made the best fairy houses...#we had umm. for a while this is fun my mom had this likee. sheet she made that was like.. a grading sheet for playgrounds#so everytime we went to a playground wed check the little boxes for each thing on the list it had... like we had Curly slide swingset seesa#etc... and then wed also write in anything that wasnt on the sheet that we loved#and we wrote in Great for fairy houses for a lot of them.... it was rly rly rly fun i honestly think that might be part of where my love of#spreadsheets came from.. one thing abtme i looooove to categorize things by a set metric. so yes#basically :DDD I LOVE FAIRIES I LOVE BORROWERS!!! i rly rly rly wanna get into building those little miniature houses. dollhouses whyd i sa#minihouses LOL. i was thinking of likee studson studios type thang i forget what theyre called#ik they make little kits for it so id start with that but eventually id love 2 start just making my own...#i also used to watch those like. miniature cooking videos. they were my cocomelon i would literally watch them boil a droplet of water and#Lose my fucking mind KJASBDKUBSJ#or when they put the little miniature cake in their little miniature oven... i specifically am remembering the pancakes#I NEED 2 FIND THOSE AGAIN. I MISS THEM!!!!!
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I'm making a spreadsheet of how the mp100 characters refer to each other and the realization I'm coming to is that the kageyama parents must have really ingrained etiquette into their sons bc these two are really big on referring to people politely
#I saw a mutual talking about doing something like this to use as a reference and I thought it was a really good idea#plus it activated the same neuron in my brain that making a hlvrai transcript did. I love spreadsheets!! I love making a corpus!!!#anyway. the kageyama brothers are very polite#the only people mob doesn't give an honorific/title to are his brother and dimple#and the same goes for ritsu. the only person he doesn't give an honorific is dimple#which is not true for everyone! most others aren't as consistently polite with their honorifics as they are#so I'm thinking their parents made sure to impart onto their kids the importance of referring to people properly#ALSO I find it funny that dimple tried to refer to both of them with cutesy nicknames and they both were like ''go fuck yourself.''#and dimple was like ''got it. normal first name it is.''
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Anyone else up making comprehensive spreadsheets this fine Saturday night
#fucking love spreadsheets man I go crazy for that data#I’ll organize any info watch out!!!#I spent 10 hours making my spreadsheet for woe.begone today
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fighting for my life trying to think about pkmn but all my thoughts are about funny music series guys......
#oughhh namari hime is so good im gonna irradiate my whole house just thinking about it#i need to infodump to someone about the musical intricacies now!!!#I LITERALLY HAVE A SPREADSHEET ON THIS#did you guys know most nyanyannya character intro songs go: riff. catchphrase (like may you mind happiness in dr funkbeat). intro-#-verse chorus verse chorus bridge. chorus in a different key. catchphrase and end#and this pattern help keeps the character intro songs consistent!!!!#its in dr funkbeat. sect sister rouge. club majesty. empress disco. la musette o clockwork. samsarn night and peace maker as far as im awar#AND I THINK THATS COOL#THOSE ARE ALL SONGS IN DIFFERENT GENRES AND YET THIS PATTERN KEEPS THEM CONSISTENT#AUGHHHHH!!!! MAN. FUCK. I LOVE MUSIC!@!!!!!!!1#NYANYANNYA CAN MAKE A SONG MAN#ITS AWESOME WHEN I LISTEN TO THE SONGS I FEEL LIKE IM DISCOVERING MUSIC FOR THE FIRST TIME ITS SO GOOD#THESE SONGS HAVE SO MANY LAYERS TO THEM AUGHHHHH#AND THE LYRICS ARE SO SMART#LIKE THERES PUNS BASED OFF THE WAY WORDS ARE PRONOUNCED#THE WAY NOEL SAYS DISTINGUISHED IN DIZZ YOU XXX IT CAN ALSO MEAN 'THE EXECUTIONER'#PHILO REFERENCES SOPHIAS DEATH IN EMPRESS DISCO 3 YEARS BEFORE KAKUEN NO PHILOSPHIA CAME OUT#THE WAY CASH SAYS 'GRANTING WISHES FILLS UP MY CACHE' IN MISER LIKE ME CAN ALSO BE READ AS WELL. CASH BECAUSE ITS IN KATAKANA#THERES AN IOU. I OWE YOU. PUN IN ABYSS IN WONDERLAND#GENYAS IS LITERALLY A KATAKANA MISPELLNG OF GENIUS#NOEL DE FIGARO IS A REFERENCE TO THE BARBER OF SEVILLE PLAY#ALL THE CROSS SONG REFERENCES#MAN. FUCK I LOVE NAMARI HIME!!!!!!!#mel talks#nhposting
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@ the anon who just sent me more info about their submitted creature, i won't answer it right now for a few reasons but im madly in love with you please keep telling me worm facts I'm laying with my head on my hands kicking my legs in the air cutely
#the reasons being 1) keeping the nominations mostly secret for now 2) i Can add the info to my spreadsheet just like. not rn#so im keeping it in my inbox so i actually remember to do it tomorrow lmao#i hope everyone knows infodumps are so welcome and if you tell me about a fucked up deep sea creature i am kissing you on the lips#deep sea fish tourney#in fact infodumps may help your creature get in!!#if i dont end up with a lot of submissions and most creatures are only submitted once i have to pick my faborites#and getting 5 paragraphs of text about a creature WILL make me love them more
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put a fucked up bear in my media and i’ll love you forever
#like de had the fridge#w359 had dont poke the bear and keplers a fuck#GOLDEN KAMUY HAS A FUCKED UP BEAR#think i ought to make a spreadsheet#i love when bears show up in my media#no choice but to cheer
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love making exhaustive, beautiful, meticulous spreadsheets for random ass shit that i then never use again. there is no better timesuck than a precisely formatted spreadsheet. i could and have wasted hours on that shit
#liveblogging life#i fucked up my sleep schedule (again) and napped after work#and after waking up at like 10p snarfed some chocolate & was prepared to go right back to sleep#until my weird autism brain decided it was the best time to make spreadsheets for my reading plans for next year#no im not kidding that is what i have spent hte last two hours doing#anyway nothing sets my brain buzzing like a good spreadsheet i love that shit and im not kidding
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Stede & Violence
I’m currently chewing on Stede’s relationship with violence vs. the-narrative-voice-of-OFMD’s relationship with violence. I’ve definitely seen a lot of people lauding Stede’s non-violence, but I’m not sure the narrative voice of the show really agrees with Stede on the matter. But then, I’m also not sure what the narrative voice is saying about violence.
I can’t really think about violence in this show without thinking about this excellent meta on Ed’s trauma by @fuckyeahisawthat, in which they say “I think this is one of the show’s core thesis statements: that violence fucks you up even if you come out on top.” And initially I was like ‘YES!’ but the more I spend weeks thinking about this show with excessive intensity, the more I’m like ‘…or maybe not?’ Unquestionably, with both Stede and Ed’s stories, the show tells us that killing fucks you up even if you come out on top. But violence in general? I’m not sure.
I wrote Reasons not to be a Lighthouse recently, a meta in which I argued that Stede has a tendency to impose his own worldview on others, which is a trait I see as shaped by toxic masculinity (frankly, a specifically white and class privileged form of toxic masculinity). And seeing @wellwhiskey’s post of quotes pulled from an earlier script of the pilot only made the narrative voice’s criticisms of Stede on this front clearer to me. The narrative of the show criticises what it frames as wrong by mocking it, and the pilot is clearly mocking Stede for not listening to or learning from the crew. For example, when Stede asks Lucius what a captain’s most useful instrument is, then responds like this when Lucius guesses ‘a compass’:
STEDE
No. Incorrect.
(touches his ears)
These. Ears. For listening.
(then)
Write that down, Marcus.
LUCIUS
Again, my name’s Lucius
Given how critical the show is of Stede not listening to his crew and instead imposing his perspective on them, I think it’s clear that the show is also criticising Stede in episode two, when he instructs the crew to take vacation time. He explicitly states both "Your time is yours to do with as you please" and "Look, there's literally no way to mess this up", and then these exchanges happen, in fairly quick succession:
ROACH
Can my vacation be torturing the hostages?
STEDE
I was thinking more along the lines of relaxing activities.
ROACH
Oh, I do find torturing hostages relaxing. Particularly this lot.
(beat)
I’ll just take them to the brink of death. I won’t go all the way.
STEDE
Let's say no to torture, I think. For now.
And not that long after, when Stede spots Wee John Feeney and The Swede hitting each other:
STEDE
Hey guys! What on Earth are you doing?
THE SWEDE
We're doing vacations.
WEE JOHN FEENEY
We're unwinding.
STEDE
(annoyed)
That is not what I was talking about!
The narrative voice of the show seems critical of Stede being critical of the crew’s violence. Perhaps in the case of the roughhousing Wee John Feeney and the Swede are doing, we can call that a different thing. Playful and consensual violence perhaps doesn’t belong in the same category as the violence the show frames as harmful. But it’s interesting to me that Roach is neither condemned by the narrative nor shown as particularly suffering. Feeling relaxed by torturing is hardly a case of violence fucking you up even if you come out on top.
In Reasons not to be a Lighthouse I made the case that Stede starts being more willing to listen to and learn from his crew from episode four – which also features Stede explicitly deciding he wants to learn from others, when he’s excited to agree to getting piracy lessons from Ed. The narrative voice approves of Stede (by letting him succeed/be happy) when he is willing to learn from others, and disapproves of Stede when he isn’t. Which makes it interesting that a lot of what Ed is shown teaching Stede at the beginning of episode five is explicitly how to be violent and aggressive (perhaps implying this is a direction of character development for Stede?). Stede clearly feels unsettled by going along on a raid or by Ed demonstrating how to threaten a captive, but Stede isn’t just frightened, he’s also excited to learn. In the raid scene Lucius is clearly too scared to think clearly, but Stede’s desire to learn is more powerful than his fear:
STEDE
Isn’t this terrifying?
(then)
Note the gusto, Lucius!
LUCIUS
(yelling with fright)
That what?!
STEDE
The gusto! Why aren’t you taking notes?
The episode ends with a moment of triumph for Stede, with the French ship ablaze. Which certainly seems like a celebration of violence to some extent, even if Stede delivers the violence in question indirectly.
When Ed confesses to Stede that he hasn’t killed anyone since his father in episode six, Stede, Ed and the narrative voice are all clearly taking Ed’s trauma pretty seriously. There’s no question that, while Ed is not in the wrong for killing his father, the act harmed Ed. But consider this dialogue:
ED
If I’m honest… I haven’t killed another man since.
(beat)
Not personally.
STEDE
I mean… I have seen you maim some people.
ED
Maiming’s different. Love a good maim.
Yes, for the audience this is a joke, but for Stede this seems to be an attempt at being comforting. And what’s interesting is that it does seem to, to some extent, work. Maiming isn’t traumatising for Ed. He love a good maim. The way the narrative holds this moment reminds me a lot of Roach saying he finds torture relaxing. The narrative isn’t presenting these particular acts of violence as traumatic. Nor is the narrative condemning Ed for ‘loving a good maim’. The maiming and the torture are okay within the narrative frame. And unlike the torture exchange, the in this scene Stede is alongside the narrative voice, treating the maiming with acceptance.
In the Pilot draft script, when Stede presents Badminton’s body to the crew, it’s described like this:
Badminton’s body hits the deck. Stede stands over it. Hornberry screams, Shaw cries. The crew’s impressed. Stede takes this in. He’s never been feared before. He likes it.
Stede can like being feared. Stede can be accepting of maiming. Stede can be excited by violence and want to learn how to do it himself. And I don’t think the narrative voice thinks he’s wrong for these things or thinks that they are necessarily tragic.
The show is certainly more likely to frame violence against oppressors as neutral or celebrated (Jim throwing a knife though the hand of a British navy officer who’s throwing around racist abuse, Stede leaving the French ship to burn) but violence against oppressors can be framed as more fraught and traumatic (the scene where Ed tells Fang to skin the sailor who calls him a donkey certainly feels more emotionally fraught than it feels celebratory, and both Ed’s and Stede’s experiences of killing could go here too). Direct killing is usually framed as traumatic or upsetting, but the scene where Ed is called a donkey and the scene where Stede attacks Doug shows us instances of killing aren’t the only times the show explores connections between violence and trauma. ‘Violence is good when it’s funny and harmful when it’s not funny’ is kind of an answer, but really that just shifts the goal posts without answering the question, because then the question becomes: what violence do they choose to frame as Funny or as Not Funny and why?
I can’t pin down where the shows values around ‘when will doing violence harm you and when won’t it?’, but I have a strong feeling that the answer to that question is going to track with Stede’s character development: whether we see him develop more stomach for doling out violence when his values are threatened, or whether we see him walk hard line in sticking to his pacifistic inclinations.
#ofmd meta#stede bonnet#our flag means death#ofmd#if you can add this all up more cleanly than I can then tell me your thoughts#I'm so interested in this#for the love of fuck no one let me get so caught up in the question that I make a spreadsheet#like if you went through OFMD and noted every single instance of violence#whether that violence is punching-up punching-down or punching-laterally#whether it’s framed as harmful or not to the perpetrator#whether the tone it’s presented in is comedic triumphant or tragic/traumatic#maybe you could pull something out of that#but also#NO I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THAT NO#my ofmd meta
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i should make a spreadsheet of the different ng layouts and when they were introduced and replaced. so i can remember them
#i fucking love spreadsheets number 1 spreadsheet fan i do not make them right ever#actually i would have to use screenshots so maybe. a google doc#im thinking about how in the mid 2010s it was kind of ugly
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rip to console players that cant make their special little guys in game but also thats probably for the best. learning to mod has destroyed my free time
#i really enjoy all the problem solving and work that goes into modding though. fo4 lore is not my special interest the creation engine is#having a heavily modded game means spending hours and hours in xedit or photoshop or substance painter which i love#is it the autism. maybe. i am not playing fallout i am playing spreadsheets with fallout words in them. sometime i get to look at danse.#i think the only part of val that i havent fucked with is his teeth and thats because i tried and couldnt get them to show up in game#sooo much i want to do for him still. new hair. the teeth. redo a lot of his face textures. redo all of his scars. make my own body hair.
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can't fucking believe vent is still down. where else am i gonna yell about being ill
#anyway it is Day Two and. i feel better in some ways but worse in others#had the worlds most disrupted night of sleep and now i'm coughing a lot more than yesterday and it sucks#but my throat feels less sore for sure. feels like my body is fighting this thing off super hard 💪💪💪💪 shame about the full body aching#and overall lack of energy. ooouugghhh and the lost voice of course. but this always fucking happens#i'm gonna have to pass on games night tonight if i'm still coughing a lot and/or still missing my voice#but aaaauugghhh the love of my friends will surely heal me like nothing else. unless they make me laugh and send me into a coughing fit#rambling#my god yeah thats one of the worst parts of being ill. cant watch anything that makes me laugh. im fucking dying of boredom here#sure there's other stuff to watch but no funnies and no video games when that's all i want rn. havent watched any more flapjack in DAYS#it's nowhere near as bad as covid so this is entirely unnecessary but i am once again getting thr urge to document my symptoms#with a god damn spreadsheet. but it's not as complex at all so eh.#i can't say too much about how much better i'm feeling just yet tbh bc i'm still back in bed hfkdhgkdh i can walk sure#but i need to go downstairs and make breakfast soon which is the REAL first hurdle#also the question of am i ready for toast again or do i need to stick to porridge just to be safe#not gonna lie. i didn't love the noodles i had yesterday so i'm wondering if i'll have the appetite for something else#i want a sandwich so fucking bad but i don't want to eat dry bread at the same time. aaauuggghhh#my sibling offered me a hot chocolate last night and i had to turn that down bc chocolate plus cold for me is a big no#but aaauugghhh a nice warm drink probably would’ve been rlly nice#i return once again to announce that got damn! i feel notivesbly better than i didn an hour ago and my voice is like 30% back!#which means that by tonight i might very well be at a functional enough level to hang out with friends after all#i can always dip if my energy levels tank again or whatever but like honestly hanging out with them is like. i need that#the last two days havent been great and i miss them and we have a lot to talk about so yeah i will do everything in my power#to be there tonight. but i will not force myself or push myself too far. bc i am the king of self care 💪💪💪#god sorry back again but. it continues to fascinate me how any kind of illness affects me in the same ways consistently regardless of what#kind of illness it is??? right now i have whats mainly a cough which is honestly rare for me when i get ill#it's usually more in the nose department and sometimes the throat but rarely the chest#and yet 9 out of 10 times i lose my voice. i Always struggle with low energy (altho thats a problem outside of being ill too jfdjgdhfhd)#have a hard time falling or staying asleep and i get nauseous if i sleep laying down enough#but also i am the king of hard and fast aka i get like 24 terrible hours and then recovery is super quick. i'll be back to 100% health in#less than a week. my poor fucking step dad has been in stage one for a WEEK it's really awful. but i have the power of youth on my side 💪
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i literally have completionist brain but for real life and like. not a fun way for me to play games Definitely not a fun way for me to live irl
#bc in games like. skyrim or what have you i do nottt play them right ik there isnt a right way to play them#but i do every single quest and i pick the options thtall give me the best rewards etc and it just isnt very fun. and rhe point is that its#a role playing game so i should roleplay and if i want to see what happens if i pick the other options i just Make anew save instead of#reloading over and over again. and yet#and its not fun in the sims bc j literally judt force them to max their skills get highest level in their careers complete theiraspirations#and then im just like. ok. and it ends up making my sims games so samey and not fun bc ill Make sims thatr different from eachother but#well. 1. sims 4 sims do not act different from eachother Lmao you Can pick different traits but the most u get is moodlets and maybe 2-5#dialogue options. not that much... vs like skms 3 where each trait could change up a sim a lot#butttt whatever. anyways...#but yeah irl im like Noooo i cant just do this 1 good job bc there are all these other jobs i also need to do i cant pick one major i have#to do all of them i cant Not be able to romance this person !! but real life isnt a video game and that mindset fucking sucks for videogame#anyway... like i like completing a game but i wish i didnt let it ruin games 4 me#bc it rly does i never finish games anymore bc i stress myself out over 100% it...#and i make too many spreadsheets abt them. but i love spreadsheets :[[[[#i should go back to sdv again.. and return to an old save thats another thing#ill obsess iver a game to the point i burn out completely and stop playing and then ill get the urge to play again#but i start a new save and inevitably burn out again and its like ! the devil
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