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aeide-thea · 1 year

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an impulse i don't get—

or rather, so as not to be disingenuous, an impulse i get perfectly well but strongly dislike when i'm faced with it, which means i need to reexamine it in myself when i generate it—

is the impulse to sit in judgment about What Counts As Queer. like. yeah, okay, i do get it really, we're all disempowered by hegemonic culture and setting ourselves up as petty kings shores up our egos! but if there's anything i've loved about discovering queerness in and for myself, it's been the realization that there were worldviews beyond my own—and that there still are, almost certainly! that the world is a firework show of exploding possibility, and that i and my current understanding of myself and everyone else are just one bright spark in a whole connected series of them, and that more will come after me, bringing new colors and configurations to my field of vision, if i just keep my eyes open…

and so i just always feel. god. how close-minded, to shut your eyes to someone else's vision of queerness, to say not just 'that isn't a version of queerness that i recognize or feel represented by,' but to say categorically, 'that isn't queer'! if someone's saying in all sincerity, 'this feels alien to the framework i grew up with, and exciting or comforting or both to me'—i want to hear them out, and make space in my own understanding for a multiplicity of queernesses. i'm not always perfect at it! but i want to.

because what's the alternative? join with the biphobes and transphobes who would've said my gq4gq relationship with my transfem ex was really just straight, or at least enough of a union of opposites for government work? join with the aphobes and arophobes who are constantly insinuating that if you're not actively sucking or fucking, you're a square—never mind those of us who are isolated, or traumatized, or anxious, or any of the thousand other reasons why our queerness might not be siting itself in sex or romance, right now or ever! join with the people who sneer at poly and flinch from kink, as if reexamining those relational conventions were somehow cleanly separable from reexamining all the other ones—as if we should want it to be?

anyway, this is about a lot of things, really, and at least one of them i pretty actively don't want to talk about in specific; but i just think, god, i wish we could all learn a little more generosity, and a little more humility. we know the world, and the human heart, encompass more than is dreamt of in kyriarchal philosophy; why then are we so resistant to the idea that they might also encompass more than is dreamt of in our own? movement after movement of queers have come, and built, and been built upon in turn; our personal convictions are not, i feel certain, the final course to be laid down on the great work of enlightenment and liberation—and how depressing it would be, if they were!

#there's an invisible Works Referenced here that includes a post i keep not reblogging bc it's too aggro #but it's about like. there's no single masculinity or femininity #similarly i think. there's no single queerness‚ because there's no single straightness; it's a complex construction—constriction—#and so our resistance to it must necessarily be equally complex‚ to meet it where it crops up and set it aflame #and so like. just because something isn't your queerness‚ or mine‚ doesn't mean it can't be someone else's!#there's something else i was thinking of‚ too‚ but i forgot it already‚ lol #this isn't the like. clearly-structured post i wanted to write‚ i got mad and florid instead #and i expect i've left out some of what i meant #but like. sometimes you—i—have to just run with that‚ or else express nothing at all…#anyway i just think like. yeah‚ models of maybe-queerness we see in the world might wound us‚ or anyway look as though they might!#it's a possibility!#but what's not a possibility‚ but a certainty‚ is that the rhetoric i've seen used to *dismiss* various representations #as Not Queer Enough #has for SURE wounded me! and almost certainly wounded others who've just curled up silently and said nothing about it!#anyway. idk. 'NOT HET BUT HETERODOX‚' proclaims my protest sign #is this coherent without specifying all its context? maybe not. but the fundamental stance isn't contextual for me—#it's something i think is important to uphold‚ and where i fail at it (which i do!)‚ to give myself a good hard squint #and work out how to realign my reactions with the principles i actually want guiding them #anyway. good morning‚ lmao. have a diatribe

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partangel · 8 months

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hanging out with my coworkers is such a delight miss me with that i hate my coworkers lifestyle i go out to drink sangria with mine to simultaneously juggle conversations between ingmar bergmans daughter, stand up comedy bits, the question of how much is lost in translating ancient greek and planning on how to steal passion fruit that was ripe for the taking in this very specific open space

#<3 what an incoherent lovable beautiful group which i adore so much #someone used an expression i HAD NEVER heard and i thought it was literal so we died laughing for 30 minutes #one of my coworkers was like.. and can you believe he took his guitar and put it away #and i was like. wait there was a guitar?? he had a guitar??#and... apparently thats an idiom that exists. somewhere somehow #i just figured the man had a guitar with himself which he resolutely decided to put away #one of my coworkers forgot to put his son his second sandwich of the day and the child was like... dad... where was my food???#and the way he told this was so funny i had to gasp for myself. what an animal. to forget to pack the SECOND sandwich of the day. how dareh #no father of the year award for him ive assured him #anyways life is really on what you decide to keep and to cherish and to love #then THEN i had roland barthes in my bag and one of my coworkers saw and she was like #CAN U BELIEVE A TEACHER OF MINE HAD CLASSES WITH HIM #and i was like... the times we live??? what the fuck??#im 3 handshakes away from barthes you guys

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opens-up-4-nobody · 9 months

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...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

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trans-estinien · 2 months

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i love being autistic cause sometimes i get a glimpse into how regular people perceive things and its like. what the fuck. what the fuck is that? you live like this? and its normal?? i think YOURE the weird one actually. im fine. thanks though.

#THERES SO MANY WEIRD RULES #LIKE WHAT DO YOU MEAN PEOPLE PAY ATTENTION TO HOW SOMEONE WALKS LIKE HUH????? WHY????????????#can someone fucking explain the dude head nod thing to me why do we do that. whats that about. ive never seen anyone do that irl before #is that an american thing or do i just hang around too many afab people #i am learning the intricacies of cis people gender rules and i am. what fucking planet have i been on the last 17 years like what is this #was there some like. rulebook they handed out at somepoint they forgot to give to me or something #“best way to learn is to observe the men around you” OBSERVE WHAT. YOU PEOPLE PAY THAT MUCH ATTENTION TO EVERY LITTLE MOVEMENT????#bruh i can barely make eye contact w people...#my ass has never intentionally copied someones mannerisms ever.#i do it subconsciously. but doing it actively feels weird and wrong and like im breaking someones boundaries #“men dont smile at people.” well they should.#ive decided cishet men are the most boring people on the planet #“dont move with your hands” YOURE BREAKING MY POOR THEATER KID HEART #i need to meet more gay men irl to absorb the vibe of cause i only know like two. not counting myself #i want people to look at me and go. ah yes. fruit.#at this point im just going to accept being misgendered for the rest of eternity. id rather die than be boring in the way cishet men are #my flavor of being trans is so influenced by my autism cause my perception of genders is completely off from what everyone else is doing #im like. yeah i want to be a man. and then i look at what the majority of men are actually like and its like. wait no. not like that #shoutout to flamboyant gay men where would i be without them #i think the thing that bothers me the most is that like #in my mind peoples genders are just. the way they express themselves.#its not like. this super big complex deal like how everyone else treats it. if that makes sense? like.#regular people have so many rules for what counts as a man or what counts as a woman or what counts as neither and its like???#you can do what you want???? why do we care????#and ive been doing this since i was little. on account of the autism #i just. dont get why its such a big deal to people.#i cant wrap my head around it at all #not nonbinary not a girl not aegender not a man but a secret fourth thing #(man but i do it my way instead of everyone elses way)#unfortunately doing it my way just. leads to the misgendering dimension. for some reason

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rosenfey · 1 year

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I stared writing again and I forgot how much fun this is, how this is one of my favorite hobbies and just how important it is to just write for the sake of writing. casually and for myself and maybe one or two other people. when I stopped writing it was because it became a sort of a job, I had deadlines to look for and it was very stressful. being able to just do it casually, without stressing about it being published, really makes me fall in love with it again

#ambie.txt #I still got it tbh I was very surprised with the quality of the first draft already.#this is a thing I'm very good at I just had a long break #but it feels so nice being back!!#writing just for fun doesn't mean it's not good or high quality or anything.#if I decide to publish I will but it's not important to me at all #this is about me expressing myself creatively and getting back into a hobby and learning to get better at it #but mostly it's me having fun!! I forgot how it feels to just do things for fun I love it so much

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todayisafridaynight · 1 year

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Oh god I need to know it anyone else noticed Nanba and Saeko have a different relationship than she has with anyone else in the group? Plus Ichiban’s most natural flirting is aimed at Zhao even without player input 😭😭😭

nanba and saeko def have a really cute relationship, i adore their interactions immensely (❁´◡`❁)

and lbr ichi's matching zhao's energy alright. insert zhao 'kasuga-kun' compilation here

#snap chats #honestly i love how saeko interacts with everyone- like she never feels like The Girl of the group she just feels like a part of the group #yk what i mean ? like i feel like in a lot of other casts where theres one/few girls they stick out like sore thumbs #because of how the other cast members and the media treats her but with saeko its like #Yeah No She's Here. She's A Girl But That Doesn't Mean Much #like obvi there's some instances like her offering to be a hostess but Tactical Necessity right #and honestly even the party chats she has with everyone are so nice too i love them so much #i love the one where she and adachi are roleplayin having kansai accents that shits so cute and funny #sorry for the impromptu saeko rant i just never express how much i loved her character and contribution to y7 #yk whats funny tho as i was walking to my computer i thought about making a nanba post and lo and behold #it wasnt a major one it was just me going 'i cant believe that during my VA ramble i forgot one of my favorite fun facts #and that's greg chun also voices ike from fire emblem' because ike's been My Baby since like. 2008 #he's still jason adkins to me </3 but i mean greg chun also voiced luke from shadows of valentia #ok ill stop with the VA talk i promise thats the only one i wanted to update on #thats a lie but i'm forcing myself to stay semi on topic #ichi and zhao are funny too theyre such fuckin goobers #like ichi definitely dicks with zhao the most- or at least zhao matches his energy the most equally imo #Y7's cast and relationships are just top tier thats all i can really say #i love how despite eri being an optional character she still has party chats with everyone #i love eri.... BUT thats a post for another day #im either A.) going to continue trying to figure out how modding works B.) play smash ultimate

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foxcassius · 1 year

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im someone who thinks of themself as pretty selfconscious and anxious, especially when it comes to being out in public in korea, but sometimes when i hang out with someone else they will start freaking out about something and there's nothing i think other than like. idk man have you considered choosing to not give a fuck about that.

#like i know its not as SIMPLE as choosing not to give a fuck #but choosing not to give a fuck is the first STEP to genuinely not giving a fuck #this is me finally having the brain capacity to think back on my weekend with jenni #also i forgot how obsessed with weight and thinness jenni can be it started to grind on me a bit on sunday #im guilty of making the 'clothes here dont fit me' complaint but i usually just leave it at that. clothes here dont fit me.#so instead of torturing myself by going in public for the express purpose of looking at clothes that i Know wont fit #i just buy stuff made to order to my measurements online #jenni WANTS to go to stores and stare at stuff and go 'it wont fit'#and idk why #t

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cloudstongue · 4 days

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vent time you guys. its about time, you know this

i dont know qhat happened man. today has been a mess. i feel like a scatter. all over the place. disaster. calamity. i dont know how to describe it. but i think i had a mental breakdown. perhaps, again. maybe ive done it so many times…and just now is when i realize that its a mental breakdown and not “oo boo hoo sad cry cry cry hit cry button wahhh waterworks OH SHIT A FLOOD!”. i just dont understand it. im in a very emotional state right now, and i want everybody to realize that. right now i feel like everything negative at the end of the day is adding up and accumulating and piling up and and and coming together, forming a group to attach me and wear me down. and thats just how life is sometimes. but sometimes i just cant take it anymore. everyday. i want to scream. sometimes i just start to cry. and cry and cry and cry and pour until my eyes sore and turn red like some inflammatory response.

…thats just how life is sometimes.

#sorry guys #got a little silly #i had something to say here hut i forgot.#oh well!#i love love love love luv luv luv luv LUV 🫶🏽🫀how expressive vents can be sm #not to mentiom poetic #and sometimes actual poems #but i digress. its like #holy shit. i can actually express myself with words #wtf #sometimes i cant do that so qhats so special about now?#the specialness is the specialness.

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ravegore · 4 months

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ugh.

#it just occurred to me #i remember not feeling prepared.#feeling overwhelmed and confused by the volume and severity of the issues presented to me #i feared not knowing what to say. not understanding what was going on. how to help with severe trauma #like i was drowning and could barely keep my head above the waters #and yet #one day that feeling stopped.#i forgot what it was like to feel blind to the levels of death i have been surrounded by since #i had no choice. i had to learn to tolerate it #i learned the right advice most of the time. but at what cost.#by throwing me into the gunfire until i figured out how to ignore the sting #how many times have i wrought this on another?#how has my extreme tolerance affected what i think people can handle and even have knowledge about?#how can i ever trust myself again to express anything at all?

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eyesopentv · 5 months

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thinking about how i was only in the hospital for a week bc i hated the staff so much i forgot to hate myself

#miles thots #tw suicide #actually what happened was i told the story of my coming out and expressed my anger at my mom for taking so long to be okay with my transne #in a group session and the nurse was so quick to defend my mom even saying she sounded like a good mom even after i told her it was the #biggest reason i wanted to die #and she was all ‘i’m sure she just didn’t understand’ even though i said i’d sent her videos and links to articles and offered to explain #myself if she still didn’t get it #this nurse made me feel so incredibly invalidated. i left group early and my roommate came to check on me (he’s also trans so he got it)#i was actually still actively suicidal when they released me but i hid it so well bc i couldn’t stand to be in there any longer #my friends saved me more than that place did. they let me crash on their couches until i was ready to talk to my mom #also- in case anyone actually read this: my mom is wonderful and i love her and we have a very strong relationship now.#it took a lot of work to get here though and it doesn’t change how i view what she did or how she made me feel in the past #but we have talked about all of it and i’ve forgiven her. she’s now my biggest supporter and i love her to the ends of the earth #so this story isn’t me talking bad ab my mom- just the situation and the response i received #oh yeah also they violated hippa and i didn’t realize it for about a year and while they had no right-#i also don’t care enough to do anything ab it anymore lol #tw transphobia #< almost forgot that one

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vhstapeworm · 1 year

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mutuals do i have a personality to you guys

#i forgot how much i express myself on tunglr #noc original thoughts

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earthtooz · 4 months

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in which: a moment of impulsivity has ratio knocking on your door at 3 am with a grand confession.

There is a great cloud of curiosity that surrounds Dr. Ratio.

His intelligence is far beyond the average person’s comprehension, mind working at insurmountable speeds to reach conclusions and answers that no others have come to before. Mediocrity and Ratio could never stand to be in the same room, intelligence and reputation as an academic preceding him.

When people find out that you have been in a long-term relationship with the scholar, you can almost see the question mark above their heads. How did you meet? When did you start dating? How did you start dating? How do you put up with him? (You always answer that with ‘I’m still trying to find out myself’. He always rolls his eyes when you say that, but it’s nothing a kiss to the cheek can’t solve.)

Only your closest friends know the story of how you started dating, but it’s always one you love recounting, much to the dismay of Veritas.

For the decades that he has lived for, there have been few moments he regrets, always critically scrutinising every move six steps before he makes them. No one has ever seen him messy, uncertain, or dishevelled- except you.

Towards the end of your university years, with an urgent final assignment due soon, you’re rudely awoken one night by frantic knocks on your dorm’s door. You notice the clock reads 3 am, and since the knocks only got louder by the second, you throw your covers off with a groan.

Who could be at your door at 3 am? Perhaps a drunk dormmate who forgot their keys? Or someone knocking thinking it was their room?

Looking through the peephole, you’re stunned to see a certain violet-haired friend on the other side, trouble etched deeply into his features. His hair was messy, falling haphazardly around his face, and his usual accessory of a laurel wreath was discarded, flamboyant outfit discarded for something more comfortable.

It’s clear that he’s troubled by something, but you have half a mind to leave him outside until he goes away (that’s what he’d do to you, or so you think).

Opening the door, you begin by scolding him. “You better have a good reason to show up at this godforsaken time or otherwise-”

“-I’m in love with you.”

Perhaps if it were a normal hour of the day, and if you hadn’t just been rudely awaken from your sleep, you would have processed his words faster. Instead, you blink at him once, twice, three times, fatigue weighing heavily on your features as you struggled to keep your eyes open.

“What?” You murmur, shaking your head as if that would clear up the mental blockage.

“I’m in love with you,” he repeats, firmer this time.

You grab his wrist and drag him inside your dorm, blinded by the harshness of the hallway lights illuminating the outline of his figure. Turning on the softer light on your desk, you take a seat on the edge of your bed, gazing down at your hands. Veritas, however, stays near your door, annoyingly muscular arms flexed over his chest.

“I have so many questions,” you grumble, rubbing your eyes. “Why are you awake? You’re always asleep by 11 to get your ass up at 6 to exercise, or whatever.”

“Are you avoiding the main point, or just stupid?” He grabs you by the shoulders and shakes. “I love you.”

“Excuse me! You were banging bullets on my dorm room, I’m disorientated right now, not stupid- what?”

It’s almost like his statement from earlier only pierces through your brain now with the way you freeze, eyes morphing into something akin to disbelief and shock. He sees all the changes in your expression in the dimness of the room, nervously biting his cheek with every subtle shift.

“Did… I hear that right?” You whisper after what feels like an eternity. “You love me?”

He nods. “For a few years now.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Am I not doing so in this very moment?”

Tonight has been nothing but agitating for him. First, he was kept awake by the pounding of his heart and the burning desire to see you, significantly delaying his sleep until Veritas decided to cast all caution into the wind, running to your dorm all the way on the other side of the University. Now, he is trying to pour his heart onto your hands, all because of a moment of impulsivity and bull-headed stubbornness, and a secret he cannot keep to himself any longer.

He may be stubborn (as are all geniuses), but Veritas is never impulsive. All truths will come to light eventually, no matter how hard he tries to hide them.

“While I accept that my feelings may not be reciprocated, can you at least say something rather than stare at me blankly?” There’s an unfamiliar look of concern in his eyes, contrasting the usual pride and arrogance he always wears.

What happened to the Veritas Ratio you know? Who is this man by your feet?

“No- that’s not. I… I love you too, I have for a while now, but everything about this is… just… unbelievable.”

“Why?”

“You’re aeons out of my league, Veritas. I never once considered you would return my feelings.”

He stifles back a laugh, dropping his large hands off your shoulders and clutching the mattress on either side of you. You won’t forget about the way the sheets crumple beneath his grip, or the way his head hangs, bangs tickling your legs.

Bravely, you raise a hand to his hair, running through it. Seemed like he could use the comfort.

“You make me too damn nervous,” he breathes, a hand coming to clutch at his chest.

“Never thought I’d live to see the day you admit you get nervous.”

“Why’s that?”

“The only thing bigger than your brain is your ego.”

His confession, and everything about that night, was unorthodox, never predicting that you’d end the day curled up next to Veritas, or the long relationship that would follow.

#guys omfg act shocked that im writing more dr ratio #earthtooz: honkai star rail #dr ratio x reader #veritas ratio x reader #honkai star rail x reader #hsr x reader #ratio x reader #dr ratio fluff

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twi-liight · 9 months

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Petty Jealousy ❣

Tav's companions cannot fathom them potentially having other friends. ❥ Astarion/reader, Astarion/Tav, but also Companions/reader. I'm a Tavrem supremacist. ❥ Contains my own personal headcanon for why the companions call them "Tav" instead of their first name, which is justification for me loopholing the eternal problem of xreader writers having to wince when they use "F/N" or "Y/N". ❥ They/them pronouns for Tav/reader!

“Look,” Astarion hisses, “look at that!”

5 pairs of eyes land on the offender of the night (which, to their surprise, isn’t Astarion) who conversed pleasantly with the leader of their party. A half-elf with a sharp jaw, proud brow, and mirthful eyes looks extraordinarily ordinary compared to their merry band of freaks.

“Who is that, again?” Shadowheart asks absently. “Tav suggested I rest for today instead of mapping out the Underdark with the party, and the next thing I know, they’ve brought back another little companion.”

Astarion’s jaw twitches. He snaps out, “Companion or complication?”

Gale crosses his arms, shrugging, used to Astarion’s temper running hot then cold. “His name is Nilmorn - a luthier. Tav took an interest in his wares. He makes a living selling stringed instruments in the Underdark. Strange place to sell such things.”

Ugh. Astarion sighs, shaking his head. Leave it to Gale to traipse over the obvious. A sharpened mind like his would surely know that this Nilmorn has no place here, if not to be a bloodbag for him to slurp on. Beyond that, what use does this pretty boy have? Nilmorn sells wares that are utterly useless to them. He’s quite boring and one-dimensional, too, a character that strays too much into the side of “moral good” for Astarion to tolerate.

“Yes, yes, Gale, but have you considered how strange it is that he has invited himself to our camp?” Astarion flares out his hand towards the wizard, as if handing him common sense on his palm.

“I,” Gale begins, blinking his wet, beautiful brown eyes at Astarion, “invited myself to this journey, Astarion. I am quite hurt you forgot. I thought what we had was special!”

“Yes, but you’re weird!” Astarion exclaims. “You’re a freak with a bomb in your body because of your situationship with Mystra! That,” Astarion points an accusatory finger in the direction of Nilmorn, in which 5 pairs of eyes look at him again, “is someone so unbelievably normal he doesn’t even have any, any…” He gestures, articulates with his hands to placate his words.

“No dubious motives?” Shadowheart offers, a smirk coyly playing on her lips.

“No complicated backstory?” Wyll pipes in. Astarion’s eyes flicker to him, and irritation seeps into his skin when he finds Wyll smiling wryly, as if the warlock is in on some joke he is not picking up on. “No, I don’t know, god that has let him down in some way, shape, or form?”

“Certainly no skills for fighting.” Lae’zel, thank the gods for Lae’zel. Her smooth voice hides none of her displeasure, and those sharp, slitted eyes stare across the fire to dig daggers into Nilmorn’s back. “Useless. We have no need for string-ed instruments. Let Tav pick one, and send this half-elf on his way.”

Yes. Yes. Astarion nods eagerly.

“Hmmm. I almost envy his mundaneity,” Karlach adds, “but I mean, he’s not that bad, Astari. Man’s just trying to make the world a better place, one string at a time.”

Astarion almost throws up. He looks to the other companions helplessly. “Darlings. Please tell me you are not going to let Karlach get away with saying something so putridly motivational.”

Karlach tosses her head back and cackles, much to Astarion's chagrin.

“Something is obviously bothering you,” Shadowheart states bluntly. Her green eyes watch his expression carefully in the firelight; she finds something there, but does not say it outright. With an exhale through her nose, as if it is painful for her to attempt a conversation with him, Shadowheart decides to throw him a bone: “Are you jealous?”

He does not catch the bone. The bone slams right into his head as he stares at Shadowheart, slack-jawed and scandalized. Him? Jealous? “You must be joking.”

“Aw,” Shadowheart croons, another one of her insufferable smirks toying on her lips, “you are.”

If he had mindflayer powers beyond reading her reprehensible surface-level thoughts, he would make Shadowheart’s head explode. Or something.

He must establish his dignity in the group once more. He cannot handle more of this, especially not with Wyll grinning so wide, not self-aware enough that if he did not have a sexy demon controlling his life because he didn’t read the terms of conditions of a motherfucking contract, Astarion would bully him more.

“That is not the point here. Look,” he says. “I am just saying that our Tav is desirable in every way. Physically, we can all agree that Tav is attractive. Yes?”

Yes. They all nod their heads.

“Tav is a little strange, but they are our leader, and they got us this far somehow. Who knew caring about other people could go a long way.”

Yes. They all nod their heads, except Wyll and Karlach, who look amongst the group with sheer disappointment on their faces. “Gods,” Karlach groans into her hand, “we– we need to unpack that later, gang. That’s just really sad.”

“Lastly, Tav is strong. Strong enough to split apart the mountains and the sky, I imagine.” Strong enough to bury Cazador into the ground, hopefully. “Strong enough to face a god unwaveringly. Strong enough to persevere. Strong enough to be kind, despite everything. Despite what they think, they are charismatic, and they are the entire package. The only person who does not know of their value is Tav themselves.”

They watch Tav’s lips quirk into a smile as Nilmorn holds a lyre out for them upon his smooth hands. Smooth, no sign of scars, no sign of complications. Just so unbearably mundane. Unbearably good. Unbearably kind.

Unbearably unaware of their true nature.

Nilmorn does not know why they nicknamed them Tav, despite their name being [F/N]. Their unstoppable quench to loot everything and anything set back their timeline by weeks, no doubt. Reaching into barrels, reaching into the pockets of bandits, reaching into damn silk cocoons, reaching into whatever their curious little hands can salvage. It annoyed Astarion at first, but then Tav would find all of these weapons and armors and foods and coins and books. Normalcies and luxuries that made camp life feel less of a drab and more exciting.

The gleaming, golden dagger at his side? They found it. The boots, the armor, the enchanted rings and necklaces they either found, bartered, or killed for their companions. Thus - Tav, short for tavara, the word meaning wares and merchandise; a clever little nickname Gale came up for their leader who is too good for all of them combined.

“Any other party could whisk them away, you know,” Astarion says. “Tav could find a party of good, decent people, unlike any of us, without the mess and complication and hurt we cause them, and leave. Remember, my dears. It is not us who is irreplaceable. It is Tav.”

How long would Tav tolerate him? Not long, he thinks. Long enough until he has expended his use for them, surely, but not forever. That's why anyone who wants Tav beyond sex or strength is a threat. If he hadn’t seduced his way into their heart, he wouldn’t be here where he stands, with a group of people who make him feel a little less alone.

No doubt he would be in a cage on the back of a covered wagon that belongs to that disgusting gyr, Gandrel, his chain to Cazador growing shorter and shorter.

Silence. Tense and still. They watch as Tav laughs lightly, eyes alighting with amusement as Nilmorn cracks another joke.

"You should meet my other companions," they hear Nilmorn offer, "I just know they would love to have you."

Revelation slams into each and every one of them like a magic missile.

“He’s not that funny,” Shadowheart mutters. She bends down, hands gripping tightly around the handle of her mace. “I don’t know why they are laughing that hard.”

“He can try to leave with his head on his shoulders,” snarls Lae’zel, “just say the word, Astarion.”

Excellent.

“What-” Wyll turns to Gale and Karlach. “We should stop them, shouldn’t we? There are no implications of this man trying to steal Tav away, he's just being nice, you worthless cunts! This is not fair to him!”

“We’re in the Underdark, aren’t we? Super deep. Doubt anyone who cares for him will come looking for him.”

“Karlach!”

“Astute observation! To make this all a little easier on us, I can most certainly put this man to sleep.”

“Gale?!”

“Go on, Lae’zel,” Astarion grins wickedly, “attack!”

“Oh, hells,” Wyll stumbles back, then turns quickly to the other direction towards Halsin. “Halsin! Halsin - they’re trying to murder someone again!”

❥ Additional links: kofi | ao3

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #astarion x reader #astarion x you #gale x reader #gale x you #shadowheart x reader #shadowheart x you #lae'zel x reader #lae'zel x you #karlach x reader #karlach x you #bg3 x reader #bg3 x you #baldur's gate 3 x reader #baldur's gate 3 x you #poor nilmorn. just wanted to sell his lil instruments. dies because he smiles too prettily

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