#i feel as if i’m missing something tho
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Bella and Edward Are (Barely) Two Different People
Fresh from my Midnight Sun rereading, the parallels and similarities between these two just. stood out like a sore thumb. So without further ado, here are the receipts:
Bella being afraid of seeing Edward and Edward being afraid of seeing Bella for an entirely different reason
Edward being disgruntled about Forks and high school and high key thinks he is better than this. Bella being disgruntled about Forks and high school and high key thinks she is better than this.
Both are meh about anyone human. Except Angela. Angela is cool and kind and honest. Ben is too. They’re nice
Rosalie: *exists* Bella and Edward: 😬 🤢 😡 and eventually 🤝
Bella wants to pair Mike and Jessica, tries, and succeeds. Edward wants to pair Angela and Ben, tries, and succeeds. They should open a matchmaking agency methinks
Bella winks. Edward winks. Wink wink
Bella calls Edward her Romeo like the dramatic classic lit nerd she is. Edward calls Bella his Persephone like the dramatic classic lit nerd he is
Edward loves speed, Bella quickly develops a liking for Edward running, motorcycles speed
Tanya and Mike: *exist* Bella and Edward: 😡😭😡😩😡🥺😡
Both go from Debussy to…this? (Linkin Park)
Edward’s favorite color quickly changing to brown and Bella’s quickly changing to topaz. Eye color is clearly a big deal
Bella is mother in a depressingly parentified way. Edward is mother in a Latina mom-coded way
They’re okay-looking at best and ugly at worst…except that most everyone gawks and wants to date them and thinks dirty thoughts about them. But that means nothing, that’s because they’re new to town/an alluring vampire. It’s probably not because people think they’re genuinely hot, lol
Speaking of which, what does Bella see in Edward and Edward see in Bella?! Can they believe that their love would really want to be with them? Isn’t that just amazing? Isn’t that some inscrutable and unfathomable miracle of the universe?!!!
Edward thinks he’s a monster for being a vampire (understandable). Bella thinks she’s a monster for briefly cheating on Edward with Jacob (also understandable). Both should fucking chill
Bella “I’m Switzerland” 🤝 Edward “An obsessed vampire stalker”
Bella has her useful mind shield and Edward his mind reading. It’s like mirrors except the inverse
Bella forgives Edward for everything leaving her dead inside with a figurative gaping hole in her chest. Edward forgives Bella for everything cheating on him with Jacob and just loving Jacob in general. Very forgiving people
Edward is in her books, Bella is in the stars of the night sky. Bella is the girl and Edward is him. If they are together, it is heaven. This is to say, both cannot and do not chill
Edward: “Soft perfection” 🤝 Bella: “Perfect”
Bella cannot function without Edward. Edward cannot function without Bella. Romeo and Juliet quietly prepare a lawsuit. There can be room for only one epic literary het couple fucked over by love and this cursed heteropatriarchal Christofascist life. And it ain’t the vampire and his favorite blood bag
#twilight#twilight renaissance#bedward#cristina is silly#twilight meta#mutual love clownery is the best clownery#i think those are the main highlights#i feel as if i’m missing something tho#anyhoo one of these days i’m going to write that ‘r&j and bedward go on the most awkward double date ever’#that has been going on in my noggin
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I’m in too deep.
#blush blush#Nimh#rabbit#soft boy#it took me forever to export this fucker#😭#help#i may be cringe but i am free#collage#I was fun making this tho#it’s cool being able to make things#cringe#idk how I feel about it I feel like I’m missing something
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i saw some tweet that commented streaming is a really good method of body doubling and it singlehandedly made me seriously consider becoming a streamer check out my tuber persona (final design pending lol) she's an oni who think she's hip LMAO
#vee queued to fill the void#i was thinking of being a pngtuber bc vtubing is too much tbh lol#but like actually getting stuff done???????? that’s so novel lmao??????#i’m chronically shy and my brain moves either at 1mph or 100mph#so i’ve never considered it since i think i’d be a bad host for those reasons lmao#but i feel so unproductive when i get off work 😭😭😭😭😭 i want to study and draw to make sure i don’t get too rusty…….#and i miss playing video games and sometimes i wanna try something new but instead just laze around lol#kuukou says if you’re dissatisfied with an aspect of your life then change it tho so maybe that’s a sign lmao#and when kuukou finally gets his vr temple running i can be first in line--
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sometimes i genuinely feel like i’m insane when it comes to online media analysis because like. i’ll come out of like the barbie movie or the newest scott pilgrim like “woof, that completely failed at what it was trying to do there, huh” and then i’ll come back on here to people celebrating it as this feminist masterpiece and i’m just left thinking. did we even watch the same thing???
#then i’ll talk to my friends and be like. oh no okay i’m not off base people just refuse to engage with media critically#i’ll look at a part of something and go ‘oof that was really a miss there’ and turn around and there are ppl acting like that exact thing is#the most poignant commentary they’ve ever read and it’s like. huh?? what??? no thats. thats the bad part??? thats the thing they got wrong??#i don’t know man. i don’t know#sometimes i’m really glad we’re in the rvb fandom bc even tho i do see a lot of horrible media literacy most of the fandom is in agreement#the show has major MAJOR problems. i don’t feel completely awash in a sea of surface level takes and terrible analyses
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i miss being in my tmsidk era. what was i on back then. where did that girl go. come back ho why would you abandon me like this
#me getting writer’s block 4 chapters into my wip. hemming and hawing over my outline#weeping and wailing that it’s not funny or interesting enough#good grief.#i was so strong back then…..#actually tbh I’m sure it was just as hard writing has always been and will always be so so hard for me lol#agonizing. excruciating. it just feels more appropriate when you’re agonizing over a long dramatic AU vs something rly dumb and silly. hddjd#literally tho when I think abt how I wrote something that long I’m still flabbergasted. i don’t even READ fics that long. hdjddn#but MAN it was a good time. I miss it. I miss the fandom from those days too#I sound like such an old geezer rn lmao. the fandom just feels different now idk. smaller maybe. less active in a lot of ways.#it’s a little sad I guess. but there is still great stuff going on!#anyway. I sleep now#maybe when I wake up I’ll know how to write again🫶
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PLOTTING CALL. although this time with more focus on talking about dynamics / maybe setting up some pre-established relationships than actual plotlines .. i feel like plotting for me always tends to revolve around this at first anyway and usually those are the connections with people that end up sticking and not , like , quietly slipping away fkfjfh so here’s me being self indulgent. open to new mutuals and anyone who wants to kick me for forgetting to answer dm’s lmao
#i feel like i’m rlly bad for leaving a message to answer later and then i just lose track of what i was going to say and then the plot dies#and then some time later i’ll remember and be like. damn i was excited to talk to xyz person then i went missing LMAO#it happens to us all tho so if i ever do it to you and you want to like#pick back up and do something !!!! i’ll never find that awkward#⋆˚ ─── ⋆⋅🍁⋅⋆ ── （ out of character . )
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Every time I see that picture of Barbie holding Ken’s hand, bringing him to life, and they’re both wearing their very first original beach outfits with the blue watercolor backdrop? I have to take ten minutes to stare at them both and then I get emotional about it bc they mean so much to me and there’s just something about the way Barbie looks at Ken and the way they’re holding hands and the way Ken looks at her. and it's even better in the imax clip when Ken’s breath hitches in his throat and he notices that the person who is his girlfriend is this gorgeous, highly accomplished woman who can do anything and be everything... I always laugh when he does a fist pump and whispers breathlessly yes!
And I can’t help but always picture myself in the middle, both of them holding my hand and each kissing my cheek
#I’m just laying in bed and I’m all sniffly and weepy about how much I love them 🥺🥺🥺#im so shaky bc i cant sleep and my body is sooo. exhausted. but i love them so much#im so drawn to these characters. like as if upon my first arrival there they smiled and said 'we missed you!'#even tho we hadn't met before it felt like we were meant to be together. and i was so nauseous seeing pink at the time#but it's as if they both held my hands and said 'we know youre scared. but we still hope you'll stay'#'don't worry. you're safe here. nobody's gonna hurt you. we'll make sure of it!!'#I like to think they both found a cold blinking out dying star in the sky and said ‘oh that’s her!'#they saw how much I needed them and plucked me out of the sky and held me so tight in their arms in this big group hug#Barbie’s line to Gloria ‘I came for you!’ is something I remember at least once a day and it makes me melt. bc I know she’d say that to me#and Ken would be standing right next to her and they’re both reaching out their hands ready to catch their fallen star#'sweet girl!!! keri!!! we came for you!!!!' i think about it every single damn day#and the feeling just intensifies every time i see that photo#this movie came out at the perfect time when i needed these F/Os the most#love notes#💕♫♪ ♡ You're the pink in my cheeks 🎀🌸✨♡#💕 I'll fight for you!! - ̗̀🐎🏖️✨ ̖́-
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i feel so ugly
#i acc hate the way i look n who i am as a person#n i can’t even do anything abt it bc it’s just how i look#ik i shouldn’t care but i feel so lonely and unattractive#i keep trying to stay positive and focus on the ppl around me and making plans w them#but as soon as i’m by myself i just feel so much#sometimes i regret transitioning it hasn’t been a thought i’ve ever rlly thought abt until recently#i feel like being trans makes life so much harder#n i wonder whether i would have had a less lonely life w dating if i just stayed a girl#i wouldn’t have lost all my hair#like the idea sounds awful bc i just don’t view myself tht way and can’t imagine living as a woman#but i do feel like i’m just so less loveable as a nonbinary trans guy#like ive grown to accept i have no hair and won’t even look twink again lol#but i miss being cute ….#n besides the hair like i struggle a lot w dating bc not a lot of guy r into me for being trans#ik there’s trans ppl out there w partners n hav hookups etc tho so maybe it’s just me#i just feel like there’s something abt me tht must repulse ppl or turn them off#i rlly thought i was doing a lot better within myself like i was liking the way i looked even w the badly and head tatt like i felt#like maybe i was attractive but i just feel like i’m back to square one feeling like this goblin#journal
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You know I try not to think about it too much because honestly I kinda expected that even when he’s the same guy who tried to manage his timeline to reunite and promote with his members… but what makes me angry is that no mention of his members in his letter…
#like Idk how to feel. I’m happy for him that he finally decided something. I’m sad that we didn’t get a full comeback.#I’m sad that we don’t see idol!rowoon anymore WITH his members. (don’t let me start on the whole fnc kingdom thing)#I’m angry that everyone tried even tho if they had solo schedules they tried for sf9 since binseong left#but rowoon’s schedule was so packed that he didn’t had the time except for the puzzle cb#I’m happy for him like truly that he focuses more on his self now bc he still deals with his back pain but nonetheless I’m sad. angry. empty#I have so many emotions and the fact that I’m not surprised#I’m thinking about the members at this moment and miss youngbin’s lives where I could calm myself#his words are always so calming and reassuring that you feel at ease#like I should be happy inseong is coming back to us tomorrow and youngbin is following. their anniversary is coming up yet…#I’m in this sf9 hole forever. the first group who made me feel something and is so special to me.#I’d still support them but for now thank you for letting us feel how we feel#fun fact trauma was the comeback with all the nine members and we’re literally living the title rn 😅#zey.txt
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I can’t even imagine living without anxiety. Like. How. What?
#I mean if I woke up tomorrow with a normal amount of anxiety it would be a shocking difference to my daily life. and I am medicated!!! like.#what? am I missing something here?#my mom tells me that meds can only do so much and that they’re really just meant to make it so you can get out of bed every day#but now I’m wondering like is that true or is that my mom is on the wrong dose herself and something could be done to help us both#gahhhhh idk I just feel helpless bc I’m scared of making big changes and the big changes have to make are scary and large and I need a#bulleted list made of things I can do (and break down into very small steps) to actually progress in a positive way in my life instead of#being SO afraid and SO stagnant. it’s been six months since (ptsd diagnosis causing thing) and I don’t feel like I’ve made any progress even#with a therapist. I’m working towards a more intensive program but I feel like it’s almost making me feel more alienated bc I’d have to like#go be surrounded by other mentally ill people and medical people which brings dad dying trauma and like I know I’m running from it bc I’m#afraid to face the changes I need to make and the feelings that are going to come up but fuck man can’t I get some fucking meds that make#this easier to deal with!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grief and ptsd and long term isolation and anxiety and chronic pain like fuck it’s#so exhausting!!!! I feel like I’m fucking fighting thru life and then from the outside it’s like I’m doing nothing cause I stay in my room#and get stoned and play animal crossing and watch tv and cry and over eat and sometimes I drive around in circles so I can scream sing until#my throat burns and I get a headache and everything finally quiets down in my head for a second. I know I look like I’m doing nothing and#that’s because I am doing nothing but waiting for the next time a mental health professional will talk to me for an hour like it’s so sad#anyways. you ever take a big dab and then start crying and type all of this like it’s an epiphany even tho it’s things you already know.#honestly crying in front of the air conditioner is so slay slight breeze over my face cooling the tears the white noise calming me down
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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hello 🩷
#how are you guys 😔#what have y’all been up to?😼#I miss being active on here#cant sleep so I remembered I had a tumblr acc there I post my lil delulu fics hehe#actually I also remembered I have loads of wips I should really finish writing#but school stresses me out so bad (even tho I’m procrastinating a lot…)#so I can’t even write something without feeling so stressed ugh#I was just thinking about nanami and his big protruding arms and abs and his thighs hehehehehee giggling so bad it’s literally 4 am I need#to go sleep rn because I got a test today…gonna fail it so bad (it’s all my fault…sighs disappointedly at myself)#ALSO ALSO I COMMISSIONED A ARTIST AND IM SOOO EXCITED RO RECEIVE THE FINISHED ARTWORK#the sketch itself is GORGEOUS#cant wait to show y’all me and my husband together 😼#ok I should sleep 😔#kei talking!
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idr if i already posted abt this but i have been in a little phase of feeling sad abt being aro bc i’ll be reading things abt happy couples and go oh that sounds nice :’) but i am literally currently in a stable and good relationship and i fucking hate it so like. no it doesn’t ur deluding yourself :(
#i just don’t feel that ! and i’m bad in a romantic relationship ! it feels Wrong#but i still read like. idk fanfic and go oh man i wish i had that and its like no you don’t you wish you had something else that felt the#- same way. you wish you felt that not that you had it#idk. i don’t really feel like i’m missing out i love being aro but also i think it’s so much harder to communicate your desires & have them#- taken seriously. for so many people i think the idea of holding a romantic relationship is seen as a maturity thing#& so i feel like i will always be seen as less than in one way or another#even tho i have friends who love me deeply and i feel so lucky for that#but like. i hope that they don’t let me go once they find a partner. bc i get that’s wonderful but. in many ways they’re mine#this is SO all over the place i’m not even sure what i’m trying to say in the tags tbh#i’ve just been feeling a bit bad abt it but also sure of myself#ted talks
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Every once in a while I just ignore the trauma and laugh about all the shit the ex bestie pulled
#The trauma tho lmao#She’s the reason I no longer can wear a headband#I despise most musicals#I hated the thought of romance for years#Anything sparkly would make me hesitate. Along with this specific shade of light blue#Anyone touching my hair or shoulders would yank me back in time and the panic would set in. Her touch. I’m uncomfortable EUGH NO DAMN IT#That split second where you can tell someone is picturing something awful happening to you#That moment of heart crushing silence after being told stuff that’s made up about you#That moment when you can only hysterically laugh because she’s been spreading rumors about you. But those rumors never succeeded#Bc I was too nice for my own dammed good. So she walked all over me#So now when she talks shit#People pause and go. “No. She’s too nice. You’re lying” and. Damn. I really think that’s part of the reason all her relationships fell appa#Bc she couldn’t cope in a healthy way and. Why do I feel bad. She did this to herself#I shouldn’t feel bad#And I shouldn’t miss someone who was shit to me#jays being dumb again
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the whole csm discourse on twitter is so dumbbbbb oh my god😭
#like fujimoto writes interesting women … why is that so controversial HXKXHDJDN#i feel like ppl are so used to hating male shounen writers that they can’t stand when a good writer gets complimented 😭#he’s not the father of girlhood or whatever like that’s a p dumb title anyways but the way he writes asa’s character and depicts her#specific girlhood is so cool !! that should be celebrated if anything smh#tbh i kinda wish there would stop being a war between whether shoujo or shounen is better or male or female writers are better#bec both are dynamic and have great and terrible characters + writing#shoujo has a lot of flaws as do female authors but they are different to flaws of shounen and male authors#not to mention men can write for shoujo and women can write for shounen too#shoujo struggles w misogyny too !!!!!#i think it’s more of a societal problem imo#this is a v interesting topic of debate tho i’m sure im missing a lot of nuances but#in the end i think fujimoto is doing a great job and we shouldn’t discredit his successes by saying it’s the bare minimum?#there’s not a linear scale for writing women where 0 is bad and 5 is minimum and 10 is amazing#fujimoto depicts varied women (some written well some not) and his cast of women is so dynamic and interesting and so human !!! i think that#this is something we should see more of! it’s not the bare minimum for me because his characters like quanxi and kobeni and power are so#fulfilling to me#anyone can write amazing and terrible stories regardless of their gender#like their gender definitely influences the type of character they write but i think authors should be seen as a collective instead of#judged upon depending on what gender they are?#many thoughts lol
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Not to sound all like “I don’t actually like the canon character” however clone wars Obi-Wan is mmmmm not what I expected. I certainly like him, but he doesn’t capture something that movie obi-wan does.
It could just be the uncanny valley-ness of his design and voice, however sometimes I feel like he’s too sassy. His sass is important but I really do think he’s missing those small moments of gentleness and compassion that made Ewan’s Obi-Wan stick out to me so much.
I like how clone wars digs into how Obi-Wan isn’t always a great person, how he’s loyal to the Jedi to a fault, and is actively aware Something Is Wrong with Anakin but can never bring himself to acknowledge it, as well as his fear that he’s loosing grip of Anakin and doesn’t know how to guide him anymore. 
all of that is so good and true to Obi-Wan, but I feel like his calm Jedi composure isn’t there anymore. This could just be a result of the fact that it’s an animated show and the characters are more animated, but I do miss the way he was just always vibing and the calm cadence he spoke in. he really felt like someone you would call a Jedi master, and while Anakin gets all of his recklessness and smack talk from Obi-Wan, those parts of him are just cranked up to 11.
And like idk. I’m torn. I like a lot of what clone wars does with Obi-Wan, the layers it adds to his character, but sometimes when I watch him I’m like “you’re my boy, but also you’re not”
#star wars the clone wars#obi wan kenobi#I’m also torn on the way anakin and obi-wan’s relationship is portrayed#because I like a lot of it but I also feel like it’s missing something#I really liked the distinct flavor of obi-wan and anakin being equals now but anakin still looked to obi-wan for guidance#that we saw in ROTS#and how there was still that parental feel to their relationship#and CW is clearly going for a more brother type dynamic#and obi-wan is still a mentor figure to anakin#but idk something is MISSING#tho I do just wanna make it clear that I love this show and all the characters#even if anakin and obi-wan feel a little uncanny valley at times
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