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#i dont really want to talk about the things that are worrying me. im really hoping one of them goes away w/o me doing anything
madame-mongoose · 4 months
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I wish mental health services were more easily accessible and certain mental illnesses weren't still demonized in the field
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fleshdyke · 3 months
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#csa warning for tags#ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh#completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i#also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad#like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man#was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to#'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background#all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or#whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important#i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting#that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently#wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all.#and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head#like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have#to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it.#bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus#an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually#harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all#bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid.#and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is#but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core.#i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways#rambles#vent
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spacedlexi · 11 months
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trying to keep all my clemviminnie thoughts contained until i get to episode 3 but
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its hard
#telltale was CRAZY for this btw!! the drama of it all ALWAYS gets me#violet blaming herself for her gf/minnies death. clem helps her open up again. starts dating clem. finds out minnie is still alive?#saved violet telling clem she has nothing to worry about and she'll fight minnie if she has to to keep clem and her loved ones safe#kidnapped violet getting brain poisoned by minnie into turning against clem after feeling betrayed and abandoned by her#saved vi shooting minnie to save clem!!!!!!!!! but cant leave minnie behind because she already left her once and she cant do it again#vi begging minnie to stop trying to fucking kill them but shes too far gone. the 3 of them fight to the DEATH!!!#now add all that to the parallels and dark mirrors going on between clem and minnie in the A plot like the tension is off the charts#plus the parallels you can draw between clem and vi but those are less “you are my dark mirror” and more “we are the same i understand you”#HOW are the girlies not still talking about this#you know what i partially blame myself i dont talk about it enough either. i forget how many things ive left in my wips folder sometimes#UGH its all so good violets route just ads so much Flavor to the clem/minnie plotline its Delicious i couldnt imagine it Not being there#i neeeeeeeed to draw them fighting and being gay and maybe bloody even#if u cant tell i really want to get back to that wip i posted a few weeks ago but im Trying to Restrain Myself#i love forcing myself to take things slow sometimes really makes the brain shift into overdrive#twdg#violentine#it speaks
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seariii · 4 months
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Hum...
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altruistic-meme · 1 month
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help someone please make me be an adult cus i really just don't want to.
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catinasink · 20 days
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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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dayurno · 8 months
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do you write vampires!kandreil? have you written vampires!kandreil? will you write vampires!kandreil? when will you write vampires!kandreil? pleaseee 🙏🏻🧎🏻‍♀️
(all jokes asides hope you’re having a great day!!! Can’t wait to read your next fic whatever it is!! 😁)
I DO I HAVE I WILL forever and ever and ever . !!!!
ive admittedly never written the entire unholy trinity as vampires but i am not infallible to baby vampire kevin day getting his sensitive fangs stuck on a plastic cup.... nor is it missed on me the inherent psychosexual undertones between a vampire and the vampire who turned them (kandrew).... and of course i love thinking about neil being feral in the literal sense of it and moved by instincts of violence and blood... Of course
maybe vampire kandrew and human neil would be very fun. (with the intention of making kevin day cry because of his bloodthirst until neil takes him in his lap and offers kevin some relief) (with the intention of making andrew the one who turned kevin and it was an accident) (with every intention to make it sexual and weird)
but honestly all of this pales in comparison to the humble human x two vampires concept sorry. sorry! the humble drinking blood from your wrists your thighs your neck the humble i cant control myself around you the humble you are prey the humble oh you know. anyway! what do i have to say that you people will not already know.
kevin: this buffet is so ridiculous how can a human eat this
vampire neil who only heard the words 'human buffet' in kevins voice and got so horny he blacked out: yeahg
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northern-passage · 1 year
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Genuine thought as a fellow trans dude, I’ve seen a lot of (obviously non-serious) questions on other blogs about characters’ genitals such as “how does it look like?” and similar, and I think we all know & understand that such questions are extremely inappropriate to ask and (I hope) no one would actually go around asking these questions irl. Idk, I think we should treat trans characters just like cis ones, without any special “precautions”, so to normalise them and not make cis people treat them like fragile boxes, a thing which happens to a lot of us irl. Hope this doesn’t come off as an attack or anything lol.
no worries, i didn't take this as an attack at all. i actually agree with you, that's why i mentioned feeling conflicted about it and also mentioned that i've changed my stance on how i felt about handling Noel and Clementine in game and in explicit intimate scenes.
however, for me the problem comes from the fact that people... don't ask these kinds of questions about cis characters? i suppose people do get cheeky "who is the biggest 🤪" asks but i would hardly compare the two. to be a bit crude, no one is going to be asking if a cis character has a dick or not, or "what does it look like". of course it's natural for people to be curious, and i honestly encourage the open discussion and am happy to see trans bodies being talked about more in a positive way, but not everyone is going to be comfortable with it due to the inescapable transphobia online and in the community. sending me that kind of ask is like sending out an invitation for a debate or a discussion that i don't necessarily want to have. i also just don't think people should default to asking a random IF author on tumblr dot com to describe what bottom growth looks like.
and with most of these asks typically coming from someone who is anonymous, i have no way of truly knowing what the tone is, what their intentions are or why this is being asked - is it another trans person? or maybe someone who is just genuinely curious? or, more likely in my experience, is it someone who is going to immediately follow up this message with something transphobic after i answer? do i want to roll the dice and find out?
so while i agree with what you're saying, it's important to consider the context and the reality we live in. the IF community is not kind to trans people or trans characters. and as a trans person, my first priority is protecting myself and my mental health. so what i mean when i say "precautions," is that those precautions are for me, because i've had to deal with transphobic harassment here for years now, and i try to mitigate it as much as i can. it's also for my personal comfort - again, to be blunt, i'm simply just not comfortable discussing a trans character's genitals with anonymous strangers on the internet. it makes me feel vulnerable.
also i do want to say i didn't mean for any of that to come across as a dig at other authors - if you're comfortable answering those kinds of questions, that's really only something you can decide for yourself. like i said, this is just coming from my own experiences in IF and for my own personal comfort - i have previously talked a lot about trans stuff and gender and sexuality here, when i'm feeling up to it, but it is something that is very draining for me and can also be very upsetting.
basically: i do agree that it's important not to other trans characters or treat them any differently than cis characters, but i also think there are ways to do it that don't require me answering invasive questions or questions that i don't feel comfortable with as a real life trans person, you know what i mean?
#hopefully this better explains what i was trying to say#again no worries anon i've had this exact conversation before with other trans people#and it's something that i don't think has a perfect solution esp with the current... climate#and especially online with the anonymity it makes these topics really touchy. you don't know who is reading this or who is interacting#if it's sincere or in bad faith#things have changed a lot in the IF community for the better but it's still not safe and i always advocate for an author to protect#themself first#back when i started tnp it was not at all common for ppl to list characters as cis#really it was only nb or trans characters that got listed in that way#and it's why i chose not to do that and why i wanted the player to find out lea and merry was trans at the same time as the hunter#same with noel and clem and their privacy#giving them that agency was important to me#and it's still important to me now#but i got a lot of harassment because of that. the lea reveal didnt even end up in game it was on the blog and it was weeks of harassment#afterwards that still makes me anxious to this day whenever i talk about lea's transness#so basically like. it comes down to what someone is comfortable with and what they're mentally able to handle#edit: thinkin abt it more &im going to be honest if someone sent me an ask that said ‘what does it look like’ i would be very Not Happy#like cis people & cis characters do Not get treated that way so why would i allow it for my trans characters#so i stand by saying that these asks are inappropriate like. i obviously dont know the context of what ur referencing#but that’s a hard no from me personally either way#to me as a trans person that question in itself is othering and objectifying#ask#anonymous
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A hiatus, or semi-hiatus, of sorts.
Trigger warnings for cancer and parental death.
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skrunksthatwunk · 1 month
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found out that rascal's owner took him again while i was out, and he's probably not gonna be back since the semester's almost over. i don't even know if his owner's coming back next semester, if i'll ever see him again. if he'll ever see me again. why do they wait until im not around to do this? why do they never let me say goodbye to him?
#i didnt really get to process it bc i found out when i was hanging w a friend but. im processing it now#sigh.. i dont know. i dont know.#at the end of the day he is and has always been someone else's cat. i can't control what she does with him#no matter what i think of it. she can always take him away. but every time it happens im just. im tired yknow?#it's worth it to me to have him around. i love him dearly and i want him to be in a home where he's actually cared for (which i have done my#best to provide) but he's just. not mine. and every time it happens i back up and think man. im such a sucker.#i don't think people manipulate me often. not in an ongoing way i mean. i don't think ppl see me as valuable enough to most of the time.#but damn. she really found my weak spots didn't she. free petcare courtesy of one chump who can't live without animals around. sigh#he deserves stability but he deserves love more. this weird shared custody thing is better for him i think. and frankly i also love him.#im not the priority here but my feelings are like. there. him being taken away without even telling me first hurts. i'd like to be able to#say goodbye to him. im not saying he has to stay or this has to go on but couldn't they just.. consider my feelings a bit more?#just bc you're fine with dropping your cat off somewhere for weeks not knowing when you'll see him again and not visiting doesn't mean i am#and i kind of feel like my roommate is part of this. after all it's not like his owner can just break into our room and take him#and if im always out when they do it there's a chance roomie's just shipping him off whenever she gets sick of him.#she's done it before. even after she agreed so vehemently with me about never wanting him to go back to such treatment and stuff early on.#she's been spraying him for little reason lately too. and i mean i get being a little more cautious with some things bc her neck's broken#but she's really fixated on how much he smells and bites and stuff and talks about how if i wasn't around she'd consider eating him#and then other times she's like that's my pookie. i don't get it. like yeah i tell rascal to fuck off sometimes bc he hurts me but it's not#like a hateful thing. i dont resent him for it i'm just annoyed sometimes bc he's maiming me a little. he's my baby. how could i loathe him?#so it makes me think that roomie might be blaming his transfers on his owner bc she doesn't want me to judge her#and like. this is her room too. it's not her fault she's more bothered by the smell than me. if she doesn't want to be bitten and clawed all#the time i can sympathize. i don't wanna force her to house him. but i wish she'd just be honest with me i guess#like. what if his owner decides to give him away without telling me? i'd take him in in a heartbeat. even though i know it's a bad idea.#but i'm worried he'll fall out of my reach completely. and at the very least I'd like to be able to say goodbye first. that's all.
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bpdame · 1 month
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mom telling me about how she essentially bragged to a job interviewer about how my brother "set the path" for me and how i learned to do things so quickly because of him:
me wanting to have my own fucking accomplishments for once and wanting to have some aspect of my life not be tied to him:
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cocteautwinslyrics · 1 month
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friendlyjordies fell off
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tokyoteddywolf · 2 months
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22 isn't very much at all, I think.
#5am rambles#anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps.#you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown?#that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes?#that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old?#im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed.#you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out?#I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt.#i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years.#i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best.#I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out#first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay#cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything.#any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic'#so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden.#i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door.#sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems.#that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too.#ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day.#therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope#i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed.#emotions are so hard to figure out.
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britneyshakespeare · 10 months
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can’t stop intellectualizing about barbie
#maybe ill post a rant later#tales from diana#it's funny. i've written a lot in my private diaries and notebooks about how much i love dolls and have always loved dolls#and what an impact they've had on me personally and wider popular culture#and why i view them as both products and art#etc etc etc#but i dont really try and convince others of those points even on this personal blog where ill rant about truly ANYTHING stupid i want#its not like im worried about anyone judging or tearing apart my opinions (my followers first of all would never)#(i dont think tumblr generally would either. maybe some pockets of tumblr but theyd have to find it somehow)#i guess for me its just a very introspective topic first of all bc it goes back to my early childhood and covers basically all of my life#and i dont assume the history of my life is something that interests most people very much#like most ppl dont really wanna hear about how many similarities i find between playing w dolls and writing poems#(altho ive written and posted poems on that topic before!)#it would be interesting specifically to ppl who know me well. which is probably why ive also talked about this a lot w my sister#kaily and i would literally play games of dolls that would last entire days for like several days in a row#playing w dolls was my FAVORITE thing in the world hands down as a kid. and it did so much good for me#but also barbie and other fashion dolls are so culturally and historically significant and impactful in many underappreciated ways#justice to all doll lovers. xoxoxox
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a-little-bit-poss · 3 months
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neonacidtrip · 6 months
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we haven't spoken in a very long time, but i dreamt of you last night, so I couldn't help but think of you. I'm not sure you remember me, but i hope life is treating you well these days. take care.
I'm not sure what to say, but I can promise you I have not forgotten you. My time on Tumblr has been a mess full of hiatuses, I admit, but it will always be a place where I met some very wonderful friends, including you. With 100% honesty, I can say the friends I made here are some of the best friends I have ever had, even though most of us don't talk anymore.
It doesn't matter how often I speak with people, or if we never speak again. I'll always remember you, and I'll always think fondly of you and hope that life is treating you gently and kindly.
I hope you had a nice (or at the very least an okay) dream, and I'm glad to know you still remember me, too, regardless of all else.
Take care, love <3
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