#i dont know what im doing anymore but my parents will keep paying for everything and I'll keep smiling at family gatherings | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

stargazer0001 · 2 months

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there is something deeply wrong with me but I dont know what it is

like bestie im not talented im traumatized. Im not wasting a gift im trying to keep myself from plunging a knife in my chest and bleeding out in my bed. Like void, please shut the fuck up.

but then when other people vent to me, even if I TRY to care, I just dont. Like im sorry. I want you to feel better. But wtf am I meant to do. Like sorrows, sorrows, but I cant even deal with my own emotions what makes you think I can help with yours???????? And then I TRY. I TRY to help knowing that I cant, I TRY to care even though I dont, I TRY to make it known that I want them to feel loved and cared for, but nothing works. And then I feel like a piece of shit who deserves to rot away in a corner for all eternity!!!

Oh and speaking of rotting away, SCHOOL. I can't pay attention. Like if its not interesting I just zone out and start questioning my reality. And then im like 'wtf are we doing now'. Its actual torture what. And when I TRY to pay attention and actually LEARN I literally just end up drawing on my paper or my mind starts to wander. BUT THEN THE FUCKING THINGS MY TEACHERS ARE SAYING MAKE NO SENSE!! LIKE GIRLIE HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW WHAT TO DO IF YOU DIDN'T TAKE ME THROUGH A THOROUGH STEP MY STEP PROCESS HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THIS. And then I DONT SPEAK UP BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY HAND CHOPPED OFF THEN SPEAK TO A TEACHER. Like. Then, everyone else seems to immediately understand everything?? Some people talk back to teachers??? Some people WANT to talk to teachers??? Who are you and how. Oh and then my classmates??? Literally horrible. I want them to die. Thankfully i have a couple friends in my classes which makes it a bit more bearable, but NO KEENAN OR WHATEVER THE FUCK YOUR NAME IS, STOP DANCING AND SCREAMING, STOP BEING SO UNBEARABLE, STOP BEING A DICK. LIKE DUDE I BET YOU DONT EVEN GOT ONE. LITERALLY STOP BEING AN ASSHOLE. And its this one certain friend group who is actually the WORST. Like im TRYING to pay attention and then all of a sudden one of these kids starts yelling at another, stuff is thrown, and nothing gets done. BUT THEN THE TEACHERS DO NOTHING. THEY DONT CARE. BUT THEN WHEN SOMEBODY ELSE TALKS EVEN ONCE ITS IMMIDIATELY PRINCIPLES OFFICE???? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE IM ACTUALLY GOING INSANE SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST KILL ME.

oh and then out of school isn't even better at all. I just want to waste away in my room. Everything always hurts and I just want to be with friends but I know that nobody can or wants to hang out with a sad waste of oxygen like me. And then when im trying to go to bed I just hear the crashing of glass, my parents having a screaming match, and then my mom going back to drinking her sorrows away while my dad continues to try and sleep. Like please im so tired just let me go into my happy place and attempt to die in my sleep. And then whenever its even around 6:00 my mom immediately starts acting drunk even if she's had nothing so what the fuck is up with that. And then she tries to gaslight me into doing things??? Like at this point im immune. I dont even give any fucks anymore because I tried doing that and it just got me hurt. So why even care anymore. So what the fuck is the point in trying to live laugh love when I just wanna off myself. Like no. Die cry hate is my new motto at this point.

and then, to top it all off, if I try venting ANYTHING to the one person I know who understands, he just asks 'oh, is it your time of the month?'

like please just kill me at this point. Take me out of the hell called living. Im so close to just dying please help.

#vent #holy fuck this is long but I needed to just get this out #i know I shouldn't vent online but I have nobody to talk to this about and I dont got any bottles left to put this in #Star.TXT document #pleease dont be concerned abt me its just me being not okay again #its just this time i posted about it

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artific3r · 9 months

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In my wait au, all the future turtles like. Settle down and get jobs and stuff. They did their time now they wanna relax and have mundane worries.

Future guys:

Raph- becomes a middle school teacher in the undercity. Before he gets his memories back, he volunteers on weekends. And gets married and divorced. After he gets his memories back, eventually, he adopts some kids, so his weekends get busier.

Donnie- starts his own tech company, and starts making and innovating prosthetics. (Im also considering making him enter a polycule with Kendra's and Jase's parents because it would be SO funny to me but idk jury's still out on that one.)

Mikey- opens a fusion craft store/tattoo parlor. I dont totally know how this would work but he does it.

Cassandra and Leo- take over the Lou Jitsu School on Ninjutsu and start running it. Cassandra specifically works on like expansion and opening new locations while Leo is just happy to train the next generation.

April- I was going to say news reporter, but tbh? I don't think thats a dream she can go back to, after everything that happened to her. Its the dream of an April that died long before April actually died.

I think she bounces around alot of stuff for a while, and lands on studying magic and eventually opening a potion shop in the undercity.

Casey jr.- I think he sticks with the present turtles and keeps helping them be heros. I dont think he particularly knows how to slow down, but i also dont think he wants to. As he gets older, eventually he gets a job working part time with a mechanic. Their name is Car Engine and they start dating Mikey on and off again

Present guys:

Unlike the future turtles, these guys dont retire, so they are still doing heroing and as such cant really open and run their own businesses. But they do get some downtime, so this is what they do with it.

Donnie: I think he takes a bunch of online college classes and gets a degree and starts like. Doing remote work for Nasa. Why would nasa accept donnies strange and unpredictable schedule? Its simply the price they pay for his intellect

Raph: Helps out at the school with Future!Casey and Future!Leo. He also volunteers every once in a while

Mikey: becomes an influencer :(

Leo: tries to become an influencer :(

Okay but actually

Mikey: Does freelance art online, and does graffiti art. Also pursues an online degree in art

Leo: okay he actually does try to become an influencer for a bit, but after that falls through he bounces around a couple things for a while.

Starts doing college classes to become a veterinarian, drops out. Helps out at the lou jitsu school for a bit, but has to stop due to his injuries during the krang invasion. I think he ends the story still figuring himself out, which is okay. Normalize not knowing what you want! He does join an improv club though.

Also meets a particular rabbit yokai who works at run of the mill pizza and they start dating 👀 👀 👀

Cassandra: Starts doing work to help provide opportunities to former convicts and stuff. Specifically, she works with the future guys to get them jobs.

April: she becomes a news reporter. Just because it wasnt what future april wants anymore doesnt mean its not what present april wants.

#rottmnt #leo rottmnt #donnie rottmnt #mikey rottmnt #raph rottmnt #casey jr rottmnt #april rottmnt #cassandra rottmnt #future!leo #future!mikey #future!donnie #future!raph #future!cassandra #future!april #wait au #havent decided if i want cassandra and april to get together or not

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leeyanyanyaaan · 8 months

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15 / 09 / 2023

altho i did listen to "social path" during its release (lisa my beloved im so happy they did a collab <3) today was the first time i watched the mv and rlly payed attention to the lyrics... and i began to realize how relatable this song felt to me. searching for the english translation all the more proved it. for an upbeat song, i seem to have grown an emotional attachment to it ^^;

i'll properly write it out into a story one day, but for now, here are the thoughts i've noted down as i listened to social path again and again. here, i write about my dream to eventually leave home and get to live my own life (originally, i was writing it out in 3rd person as i was planning to turn it into a skz x reader fic... but you'll see that it eventually got personal XD)

• "Gave up my youth for my future" lived a life predetermined for them by their parente, had to sacrifice many things they wanted, "gave up my youth" to follow along to what their parents told them, never experiencing much happy childhood memories

• "I just want to rise up stronger" after years of living their life like this they want to break free and become strong and independent - their own person

• Verse 1: they've left home, escaping the environment that once had them completely under control; now they're living on their own, only have themself to depend on. it's daunting but liberating at the same time. their family berates them for choosing to leave everything behind because they didn't want to live that way anymore and want to live their own way, but they think otherwise, that they've endured enough to suppress their desires and temptations to please them and that despite no longer wanting to go through it anymore, they've grown stronger because they were able to make the difficult decision to save themself and choose independence. their past experiences were painful, but enduring it has made them stronger, and they can only face forwards towards the future because there won't be a second time

• Prechorus: they know the path they've chosen is going to be a lonely one because everyone who used to love them has now turned away from them because of their decisions. they're in a new environment/situation where they only have themself to depend on, but they won't give up and fall after how far they've come, they know that their family wants them to give up and run back home to them. it's a bittersweet feeling, painful, but also hilarious that their family ever thought they'd want to live that life forever. their inner demons haunt them, but it's okay now, they're now reminders of why they chose this path.

• Chorus: you only live once, I'm ready to take on this path no matter what anyone else says. "This path was meant to be my dream," I've longed to finally be able to do this, despite all the hurt I've suffered for this, I don't regret my decision, so call me crazy, "down on this road, call it the social path"

• Verse 2: I know this hard decision is something that will haunt me for a long time. I've parted from people in my life, my family being the hardest to leave. I've seen many come and go, so even if I end up on my own, it'll be fine, I will fight for myself

• Bridge: there's no way back to the past to mend any old regrets, I dont want to go back to the past anyways, so I'll just keep moving forward and looking towards the present. Even if I get lost on the way, even if I take this journey all on my own, I'll keep going and reach my goal: to live the life I want.

thoughts? i might make a seperate skz (+ lisa 😳?) x reader in the end with a dystopian setting... but rn im still rlly in my angsty feels over this song so it probably wont be until a while XD nonetheless, i hope you like my interpretation of social path :)

#noisyanyan #leeyanyan's writing corner #stray kids #skz #social path #stray kids social path #stray kids x reader #skz x reader #future stray kids fanfic maybe???

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anandasamsara · 1 year

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i guess im in a new low for my depression

im kind of afraid of going outside. its not really fear, but its uncomfortable to think about getting out of the house and i feel like i dont deserve to??

which tangles with the "there are relatively good things happening between the bad ones, but the good things happening arent the ones that should be happening, so i cant feel good about them"

like, i guess my parents are actually really divorcing this time, which is the bad thing, but ive been able to get a few conventions down for the next two months, which should be good, but what i actually need to happen is a real job that i can use to pay rent if/when my dad goes away, which is both bad and good, bc i dont actually want a job bc i dont feel like i can put up with any more stress, but i do want dad to leave bc its been impossible with him here, so i need the job...

my anxiety has also been manifesting as rashes and acne bc the feeling isnt enough anymore for my brain to let me know there are things wrong all around even tho theres not much i can do about it other than worry

i also dont feel human bc i dont want to deal with everything, i dont want a job, i dont want to feel, ive been sleeping for like almost 15 hours per day, havent washed my hair in two weeks and dont feel any motivation to keep going

im trying tho, but the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better is thinking about the big convention thats coming up in july, but i know i shouldnt be thinking about it bc i need a stable job and income to pay the bills, and then it stresses me out and i feel burnt out and not wanting to exist

and then i catch myself thinking on how much better my mom's life would have been if i wasnt born, and then i blame my parents for everything bc i sure as hell didnt ask to be here and have to deal with expectations in a world that will never be accomodating to any of my limitations that i only learned i had after becoming a legal adult bc i was the gifted child and never had to think about it before

and this limitations keep surprising me still bc now i cant keep up with my friends for most things, i cant lift much weight even tho my arms can take it, i cant go up anything steeper than a 20° angle without struggle, cant be on my feet for more than 4 hours a day, and if its cold or too hot it goes down to 2 hours max, if i get cramps on my left leg it can take up to 3 days to get better and who know wht can happen if i fall down stairs again. theres a hook holding the bone in place, and if i break it, no idea if it can be fixed

and im still called lazy, or irresponsible, or someone has the guts to send me a job offer of babysitter or tell me that if i have to leave the post grad to be a cashier in a supermarket, that's life for me

i did leave, i cant afford it and it was turning out to be an awful place with awful professors

i was counting with the conventions to keep the post grad and try to go back to therapy, but this is the second month with none and as i get desperate, i also get hit repeatedly with my own limits and my own self worth that says i only have my body in this life so i shouldnt sacrifice it, but then i know i wont have much choice soon, so again, why am i even here to start with? i did not sign up for this, i do not want to be here

#personal

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spacepatrolhana · 2 years

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Tohru Adachi's Babysitting Service

unfinished fanfic i mentioned before and never finished. has a bunch of plot holes imo and i honestly dont think i characterized futaba all that well.

Authors Note: ok realistically adachi would not do babysitting. but i wanted to smush him in scenarios that i think can be funny im basically an encanto fan when they were running out of things to say about the movie

also im not familiar with persona lore so if i get something wrong mb ig

And Adachi was let go.

After 10 grueling years of living in a crappy police jail, Adachi displayed perfect behavior enough to finally be let off. He said he'd promise to follow the rules of this world, and decided to move over to Tokyo for a fresh start.

Adachi couldn't get his previous job (obviously), so he'd had to begrudgingly work a minimum wage job that could possibly accept him for his criminal record. He mindlessly scrolled through the library computer, looking for any open position in a gas station or supermarket, one that would excuse his past behavior. But it looks like he wasn't too lucky.

He thought back to Narukami, feeling a bit grateful that he helped with the down payments of his first apartment, he felt really hopeful that Adachi would change his life for the better. He had suggested doing babysitting, as parents check through app reviews more than a background check. Although, one search of his name could easily reveal him as a murderer, but there was some probably some poor grandma out there who doesn't even know how to even use a basic search engine.

Adachi reluctantly thought of gravitating to that idea, he really didn't want to deal with kids. Even before the investigation team, the only kid he could tolerate was Nanako. Adachi sighed at the thought of Nanako, she probably knew by now what he did, and couldn't look at him the same anymore. But looks like it's water under the bridge for him now, him being in Tokyo gives him a chance to not be able to face her ever.

He pulled out his phone and started scrolling for Yu's contact.

_____

"Adachi-san, I would recommend you get a new phone, it's easier to keep track of your clients this way," Yu said as he continued to type in Adachi's info onto the screen.

"All you need in a phone is to call and message someone. I'm fine," Adachi replied.

Yu sighed at his response, knowing that he wasn't going to change his mind on the matter, "Well, I've set your profile up, everything should be perfect! You'll definitely get clients now."

"Yeah, thanks," Adachi muttered.

"You know… You might not think it, but I think you're really good with kids without realizing it," Yu smiles, "During the Grand Prix… It felt like you were an actual father figure to Sho… Haha."

"That kid just needed some sense knocked into him, I just used what you kids told me," Adachi replies, "I'm only doing this cause it's the only way I can get money."

Adachi sits up from his chair, "Alright, get out, I don't want you in my apartment anymore," He pushed Yu towards the door.

Yu couldn't help but paint a worried look on his face, thinking to himself that he should probably check on Adachi on his first client.

_________

Adachi had not gotten a client ever since that day.

He figured that most of the people that viewed his profile ended up searching his name and found out what he did, damn people for actually doing their research!

It's not like he'd just go ahead and throw some random kid in the TV, it wouldn't be fun in such an eventful city such as Tokyo anyways. It's not like they'd know that, though.

Adachi jumped at the sudden ring on his phone, and quickly swiped it off his bed to see an unknown number.

"Hello?"

"Uhh.. Adachi? Was it?"

He put on his fake cheery tone, "Yup! That's me!"

"Uh yeah, saw your profile, do you mind coming down right now and watching my kid? Oh, I'll pay extra for the short notice."

Well now he couldn't refuse, "Yeah sure thing, mind telling me your address?"

________

"Oh, welcome."

Adachi opened the door to see a short orange hair teen scramble off to the back of the counter immediately. He looked over to the counter to see a disheveled old man with an apron look disappointed at the sudden action.

"Uhh.. hey," Adachi said confusedly.

"Futaba, you're going to have to talk to him eventually."

"I'm fifteen already! I don't need a babysitter!" Futaba whispered loudly at him.

"Well, since Akira is gone, you really need better social skills to make more friends aside from the others..."

Oh great, a kid who's bad at communicating, this is definitely going to be hard.

"Don't worry, I'm not a scary guy," Adachi tried to reassure.

"I'm sure you aren't… Here, listen Adachi-san, I know you aren't a therapist or something, but I figured someone who's less professional than one could really help her with her social ability," The man explained to Adachi.

"Oh, uh.. sure. Yeah, no problem."

It is a problem.

"Alright, I'll be heading down to the store to grab some stuff, my names Sojiro if you need to save my contact," Sojiro said as he took the apron off.

Adachi watched as he left the counter and flipped the open sign to closed. He looked over the counter to see the girl hiding under it.

"Uhhh… Wanna see a magic trick?"

She didn't respond.

Well, he figured he could do it anyways, it always surprises kids. He prepared his hands to set up his illusion before he got interrupted by her.

"The coin's in your sleeve. I've seen it before."

What a pain in the ass.

"Hey, got you to talk!" He fake laughed.

Futaba scrunched up and turned away from him. Yeah, Sojiro wasn't kidding about bad social skills. He figured it was the age that teens get more rebellious and figure being unresponsive to people above them was cool, or something.

Adachi put his head down, annoyed by her actions. But he was getting paid extra, so might as well keep trying.

"You go to Shujin?" He asked.

"You killed people?"

Adachi's knees nearly gave out.

He stretched his body to look over the counter to see her have a tab open on her phone with his name.

"Listen, I'm clean. Served my time. I'm trying to make it better, I don't do that stuff anymore," He panicked.

"Well I hope so… These articles are from ten years ago."

Adachi definitely was not getting this client again.

"It's fine. I've met someone who's changed like you," she mumbled.

Okay. Do kids these days just have occasional encounters with murderers?

"Ahhh…" Adachi looked around, he really didn't want a bad relationship with his first client. He'd probably get a bad review.

The way this girl talked and moved reminded him of several kids he knew, something about being on the spectrum. He wasn't really too knowledgeable on that, just knowing they always had a specific fixation to the weirdest things. He racked his brain on something kids today would probably like.

"Do you like featherman?"

Futaba widened her eyes in surprise, looking over to Adachi.

Oh wow. That was a lucky guess.

Futaba couldn't help but spill out everything about her favorite parts of the show, her figure collection, just everything about featherman to Adachi. He didn't particularly find it annoying, he enjoyed the show when he was younger too, so at least he could insert himself into the conversation. Futaba had taken full control of the entire conversation, a complete 180 turn from how it was just a few minutes ago.

Adachi mentally let out a sigh of relief, recurring customer maybe?

"You know, I met the pink argus actress," Adachi bragged.

Futaba gaped, "Really?!"

"Yup, talked to her, didn't get her autograph though," he continued.

He really didn't want to admit he got his ass beat one time by her. But it looks like his little bragging session wasn't for nothing, as Futaba was completely interested in the conversation. He couldn't help but bring a small smile to his face as he managed to get this small girl to excitedly talk to a murderer this enthusiastically.

The two talked for a long while, before Sojiro came in and paid Adachi in cash. Futaba couldn't help but give off a wave as his back was turned, not going unnoticed by Sojiro. Adachi grinned as he counted the money in his hand, maybe this babysitting thing wasn't too awful. He decided to order takeout as a reward to himself, thinking he finally graduated from the shitty jail food he'd been eating for the last ten years.

_____

With a first five star review on his profile, Adachi had gotten more clients. His neighbor's (somehow) calm kid, a thirteen year old that just plugged his switch into his TV and never talked to him, and once even a baby. After that encounter, he decided to raise his age limit on what kids he'd take in. Never again.

He wondered if he'd get a call from Sojiro again, there was no way he'd decided that one social interaction like that was enough for that kid. Not like he wanted to see Futaba again. No way.

Adachi sat back in his chair, trying to work his new smartphone that he finally decided to buy. He figured he'd take Yu's advice on keeping better track of his clients and upgrade from a flip phone. He got startled when a familiar number suddenly appeared on his phone.

"Oh, Dojima-san!" He cringed at the small excitedness he heard in his tone.

"Adachi. Sorry I couldn't call earlier," Dojima replied.

Adachi stayed silent for a moment, not knowing how to respond to the sudden call. Sure, Dojima had visited many times before to check in on him, but Adachi immediately left when he got out, so Dojima never got to see him out.

"...How are you doing? Yu tells me you've gotten a job," Dojima said.

"Oh… haha… just a cashier, nothing too special," he nervously chuckles. He was not going to admit he's a babysitter now.

"That's good, that's good. It's great to see you're doing better, Nanako misses you, you know."

That makes Adachi's breath hitch, Nanako… missed him? After all he did, she still wanted to see him?

"Uh… that's nice. I think I'm getting an important call right now, I'll talk to you later Dojima-san," he hurriedly says before hanging up immediately. He sighs, still in surprise about Nanako.

____

Adachi had been called by Futaba this time.

"Don't worry, I asked Sojiro to pay you for this," Futaba stated.

"Uh, thanks," Adachi replied.

The two were at the mall, the electronics section. He couldn't help but walk up to the TVs and inspect them closely. He brought his hand up to the screen, wondering if his TV world powers still worked here. But all he was met with was the cold flat screen against his palm.

"I would expect an old dude like you to love TVs," Futaba teased.

Adachi gave her an annoyed look, "I'm only in my late 30s."

"Old!" She repeated.

Adachi scoffed, about to retort that statement before she interrupted him, "Anyways, I wanted to call you out here cuz there's this awesome deal at the mall! You get a free featherman keychain with any purchase of a phone case!"

"You really love that show, huh?" he laughed.

"Well… yeah… we did talk about how much I liked it…" She looked immediately dejected when he poked fun at her. Oops.

"I didn't say it was a bad thing," Adachi recovered.

The two walked over to the phone cases section, Adachi didn't have one yet, so he figured he'd buy one now since it was convenient. He gravitated towards the red one, while Futaba immediately reached for a green one. He stretched his hand to reach it, and he noticed a couple of boys pointing and whispering at Futaba. They seemed to be constantly snickering, and Adachi assumed the worst. Oh god, he did not want to be reported for being close to a high schooler. He scooted over to the left, making it seem like he was here out of his own will, pretending to be satisfied with what he picked out and started walking away. Futaba looked confused at his sudden leave, having a slight twinge of disappointment on her face.

Adachi noticed, and immediately went to pull out his phone to text her.

ADACHI: Sorry. Those boys were making fun of you. I didn't want them to think you were fooling around with an older guy.

FUTABA: oh

FUTABA: THX

The two waited till the group of boys left, and Adachi returned to Futaba.

"Okay, let's check out, I don't think you wanna be here anymore," Adachi rushed her over to the cashier.

He made Futaba do her best to pay for own phone case, he was still helping her with social interaction after all. Although, he still had to help her out with most of the transaction. The cashier cooed about him being a nice dad and he cringed at the statement. Him? Dad? No.

The two of them walked out in silence, Futaba looking grim.

"It wasn't that bad. You're gonna be doing this more often," Adachi says as he pats her head.

"Uh, it's not that," Futaba looked down, "Those boys went to my school…"

It didn't take the detective in Adachi to immediately understand: Futaba was getting bullied. He figured if he pushed on it more, she'd probably not talk. He's dealt with this before when Nanako had a small bully. (In which he pretended to carelessly stick his foot out and trip her bully when he was on his daily patrol.)

"I get it," He didn't need to say any further, "I'll walk you home." It's the least I can do, he thinks.

___

As Adachi drops Futaba off, he waves goodbye with a small smile. He turns his back and hears the distant chatter of Futaba and Sojiro. He takes a step, and he hears Futaba's loud footsteps and the jingle of the door opening again.

"Adachi-san, do you want to eat with us?"

Adachi turns around, surprised at the sudden offer. Well, it's not like he's going to turn down a free home cooked meal. He excitedly agreed, and let himself into the cafe, not noticing the large grin on Futaba's face.

___

Adachi could not stop thinking about the curry he ate last night.

He's eaten a ton of home cooked meals before since Yu offered, but there was something about that curry that made him crave more and more. (Sorry Yu…)He felt the taste on his tongue, and it pissed him off that he probably had to wait till the next time Futaba called him to have that again. He rolled around his bed angrily, a bit mad that he felt this way over some old guy's curry. There was just something different when he reluctantly ate Yu's cooking when Yu would come to his apartment, and when he eagerly ate Sojiro's cooking with Futaba. It felt similar to when he would eat around Nanako and Dojima.

He sat up from the bed, irritated at the oncoming feelings he's gotten. He figures he can just walk it off to get rid of it.

#my fic

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nostalgicpluto · 2 years

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my brother is an asshole. my mom an asshole. my dad? an asshole. i guess it runs in the family, cause i’m some sort of asshole too. i’m blaming it all on my brother and it sucks. and my brother has just snitched on me (whenever my mom sends me to the shops i keep the change and have been saving, because i literally have no other form of income (she won’t pay me for extra chores, and i’m too young to get a job) and haven’t told her, and i know it sounds wrong but also i have to pay for my own books and stationary (it used to be out of my birthday money and chinese new year money which i had to ration but now i have a little extra)) and he’s literally tearing this family apart and i’m getting all the blame. just the other day we had a huge fight in the car because my leg gets cramps on long drives and i was just stretching it out - it didn’t even go near my brother but he complained that i was “crossing the middle” of the car. and then i got yelled at for apparently ruinging this family and being an issue and being so spoiled and stupid and stubborn and rude and i hate it so much. i want to leave but i can’t because i am 13 i cant do anything and its not like my parents are physically abusing me so i cant do anything. and i literally live in saudi arabia where there is nothing and i dont even speak arabic (the local language) so i cant run away, and i repeat i have no money so even if we travel i cant run away and it sucks so much and sometimes i do want to kill myself but i cant bring myself to because i just dont want to die and i realize that makes me a coward and that just makes me feel worse and i hate it i hate it i hate this family and even the fact that im going to boarding school in less than a month kills me because my mom just told me that she’s not going to stop me from going to boarding school. no, she’s going to let me go there - experience a term, make friends, have a life. and then she’s going to pull me out and never bring me back and i don’t think she actually will but it scares me because she can do that and i literally have no control over my life. i cant pick what i wear i cant pick what i eat i cant pick what i do or how i live and i cant deal with that.

im just so tired of being yelled at every day and even whenever i have a good day i know, i’m just waiting for my mom to start yelling about something and ending up with me crying and it sucks that i cant even enjoy a good day because there is always this growing dread that it will not be good. i will not remember it as good because at some point i will have dissolved into tears because of some pointless thing my mom yells at.

and music too. i guess its great to me, and my parents have been so great - they’ve driven me to lesson since i was two, bought a piano, bought a harp which is so fucking expensive, bought me a violin, paid for the best lessons, sat in those lesson, came to my concerts, but in a way it is torture that i have to do this. that i cant imagine a life without because i have not had a life without. i hate practice but i cant imagine anything else. i dont know what to talk about anymore because all i know is this music and all the studying and i want to be a writer when i grow up, or an architect, but i know that i cant because that would mean less music and i cant do that because then it would all be a waste all these years of my parents’ money and me crying and sobbing over practice and it would just be wasted and gone and useless and i am useless. i cant even do something i like without feeling guilty or worst of all doing it wrong because everything i do is apparently wrong fuck

and it sucks that everywhere i go my mom always says that “she’s always reading” and she says it in such a bad way and whenever shes talking to another person she’s like “but yeah she should read so much right? too much reading is bad” and then she makes the other person say it and i always have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and cry for myself and then i remember that crying is stupid and it sucks beause i could be doing anything else you know? i could be addicted to social media or playing video games like my asshole brother but no. i have brilliant grades, i may not be the best behaved but i never do anything bad and i dont do drugs i dont swear too much when i talk, my posture is ok, i’ve won music competitions, i’m an ok public speaker, i know how to make polite conversation, i make drinks when a guest is here, most of the time i dont bother you i just sit in my room and read, i practice my piano and harp and violin and do extra theory, i wlak to the library once a week, i go cycling with my dad around the camp, i’m in the swim team, i do tennis, i go running with my friend, and you still say i am wrong and a bitch and stubborn and stupid and rude and horrible and that i am breaking this family and i cant. literally the only times i feel happy are when im with my friends. i love school because i love to study but also because i cant bear to be at home andi cant ever ask my parents for help or anything because it always ends wrong. and i cant even end it because my mom has told me if i ever think about killing myself i shouldn’t and not because she loves me but because it means that if i survive she’ll have to pay for counseling and hospital fees and if i die she has to pay for a funeral and explain to family members and to friends about why her daughter was so stupid to kill herself. and that sucks i think. the only thing thats keeping me going sometimes is the thought of boarding school ( i have been thinking about it for the last TWO YEARS ) and now that might not even be a possibility.

and i just hate it. im sorry. ive tried and it doesnt work you know? i just cant. life is miserable and i hate myself for even talking about it because there are people going through so much worse. there are people starving and dying and getting killed and forced into slavery and getting raped.

i just cant honestly i just hate it.

#im sorry for this #tw #callistas rants

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surveysonfleek · 2 years

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1656.

Will you answer these questions as personally as you can? sureeee (i bet these wont be that personal)

Why are you happy? because i have a lot of free time and down time atm

Who’s the last person you hugged? my fiance

Would you pay someone to kill the person who hurt you a lot? never, idk to what extent id ever want to do that

Do you like the song ‘Sick Little Games’ by All Time Low? never heard it

Last night you felt? content. i love just binge watching shows w my fiance

How are you feeling right now? i feel tired and sleepy

Are you drifting away from someone you were close with? nope

Is there someone you’d like to fix things with? hmm nope! i have a good group of friends tbh, we dont need to speak to each other all the time, life is busy

Have you ever liked someone that treated you like crap? no

What are you listening to? im watching love island while doing this

Have you ever stayed in a hotel? yes, love a good hotel stay

What is in your pocket? nothing

What was the worst feeling you last felt? anxiety

Have a best friend? yes

Does it bother you when your best friend does stuff without you? no

Do you keep any secrets from your best friend? not intentionally

What were you doing 60 minutes ago? driving home from shopping

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? of course haha, there’s a lot they dont know about me

What’s something that can always make you feel better? sleep!

What do you want right now? money

What would you name your future son? i have no idea. i have a lot of girl names in mind but no boy names

If you had to eat 1 thing for the rest of your life, what would it be? sushi, that’s healthy enough right?

How’s your life lately? im going through a period of change rn and i dont love change lol. im staying positive though and as long as i have my family fiance and friends, ill be okay

Last person to send you a text? my fiance

What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? sleeping

Did you have a good birthday this year? my bday hasnt passed yet

Have you done anything embarrassing lately? nah

Do you trust easily? hmm not really, i open up befre i trust the person which isnt great

Do you like cookies n’ cream ice cream? yes

How often do you raise your hand in class and answer a question? i dont go to classes

Ever been mistaken for someone else, and took it as an insult? no

Would you get a mega bag of skittles, or three regular ones? neither. i dont love skittles

What color shirt are you wearing? grey

Is there a boy that would do absolutely everything for you? yup!

Did you ever think you had the Swine flu? no

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence? i dont remember. none of my friends smoke anymore

Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? my fiance

Are you a mean person? i can be mean spirited tbh haha

Does anyone hate you? probably *shrugs*

Do you usually tell people when you’re mad at them? not really, unless they straight up ask me

This time last year, can you remember who you liked? yes

Will this weekend be a good one? hopefully! hopefully its just chill

Have you ever liked someone older than you? yes

Are you mad at someone right now? no

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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elixirjade · 7 days

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like placing relationship status on locked and only me privacy aint gonna make u paranoid in the first place. well oh well kahit gaano mo naman pagbawalan sila or sabihan mga bagay di ka komportable gagawat gagawa mga yan ng paraan. maybe im kinda hoping he would para pwede ko na ideadz sarili ko ng maaga. everyday is the same shit and i just feel overall hopeless and i cant save money for shit and i will never in my lifetime can afford to own a house or a car or pay an insurance. iced cofi na nga lng nagpapasaya saken tas addiction ko huhuhu. super lonely minsan kase mapapansin mo naman na napaka-offputting mo na tao, tried so hard to fit in, i am still fitting in and nakikisama din ako pero makikita mo din sino lumaki ng normal vs abnormal which is me. nakakapagod din pala mabuhay at isipin mo wala sasalo sayo. everytime bababa ako nakikita ko tatay ko na tumatanda at naiiyak ako kasi nawalan na ako ng isang magulang at ayaw ko isipin na mawawalan ako ng nagiisang suporta sa buhay ko. ni hindi ko nga mabilhan si papa ng nike shoes, maybe someday pag nakaluwag luwag. napapagastos din ako minsan pag nasa office kasi ano ba, bakit ba pinipilit ko makisabay sa kanila ehhh di naman ako talaga mayaman. well its cuz if i dont, i wont get any friends, i keep reading na people wont really be interested in you unless u offer them something... fuck ano pa ba patapon na ugali ko at mukha ako.... okay sige pera. i wanna believe there is an afterlife for me, where i was born in a normal household tho its kinda unfair cuz my parents did everything for us kahit na walang wala sila. naiisip ko ngayon kung gaano kabigat sa kanila maglabas ng 500 para lang makasama ako sa field trip kahit isang beses nung grade 6, shet buong araw na boundary na pala yun ni papa. i didnt know, all i know is that being a child and seeing your peers experience normal life and having new things, lalaki ka talagang inggetera. what the fuck do i know??? i have to spend my school years wearing my shoes until i literally cannot wear them anymore. in college, i have to beg my friend if she has extra shoes to lend me cuz kakamatay lang ni mama and i have to ask my ex bf if he can gift me discounted doll shoes sm department store, and i have to walk every from sta mesa to our house everyday tas partida butas pa yung sapatos ko. buti na lang di pa ganon kainit nun. maybe its my PMS time right now kaya nagtotrauma dump ako pero i just want to let it out and self-therapy myself and convince myself na SOBRANG LAYO NA NG NARATING MO at kahit yung mga nakagraduate sa mga mayyamang university sinasabi matalino ka at kayang kaya mo lahat at sobrang tapang mo. I dont wanna believe the mean voices in my head telling me otherwise. i have to push myself until i can die of old age. its sooooo fucking scary to be a fucking adult right now lalo ang mahal ng bilihin. im always soooo fucking scared. i guess what i always tell myself is ive been through worse and i can face whatever life will put me through. i dont believe in god but goddamn, will to live and perseverance is something. im a bacteria that is currently struggling but is hopeful that in the future i can atleast be sad inside a house.

#personal

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terrorismreports · 6 months

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how can you just forget

my friends dying sorry its annoying or something but this is what hurts the most cause now everyones gotta die. starting in 93 and up.

sober as a gopher it doesnt matter with what they have you guys dont know what to tell an addict if your main goal is your own drugs just to keeps yas calm. dont ever know the repercussions of who poisons the wells when you get the drugs after it gets confiscated.

faggots can keep ajaxing the redesigners and only giving those certain names good drugs.

extremely experimental transgender and plastic surgery wiki leaks there faggot grayce. i just got all that cause you wanted to play me as a faggot in kensington. and no one wants to do anything but set it up moree as grayces fault.???/

so you all can live carefree and in retirement?

the party where heath ledger killed himself after the better role making shit in hollywood and you guys are supposed to be a form of underground and crashed 30th st station. but grayce is the pirate bay leak? wikileaks and jace and jc fanfics on the cartel and you guys are just running around big as shit or something

doing whatever you want.

because you all just want what you want. so get the repercussions of saidd actions . opposite or equal and there are many other perspectives

how can i get away from parents that dont even want me my whole life cause when i was born i ruined whatever bullshit you all had going on. dont even know where im born dont even know where my dads from.

want to say you treated me like this cause this was the kid i was or something when shes still even scared to hear you yell or disappoint any of you.

but keep living all your real lavish big rich fucking lives.

getting all the Disney trips all the gatherings and all the bullshit i never got to go to nothing of mine produced income sorry martha stewart moved her estates cause grayce again is the one that coinnstanly needs funds unlike all the girls you guys have been doing all this shit with isnt the issue or anything. or paying people to keep trheir mouths shut. but i really cant get a fucking job or do anything like a normal human ive been having this issue since i hit my head when i was pregnant but its cool no psychological issues and nothing is wrong with me. life circumstances not a good excuse

anxiety ptsd definitely not a good excuse anymore

victimizing people so they get some recognition also a dying trait.

thank you entire family for havbing the religious background and the rehab aa na whole book on what to do while youre all so engulfed by your own personal problems im just still hearing sometimes 9i have to do what i have to do. thats the griffiths way i was told when i didnt want to have sex with someone but they still initiated. more than once so ill be a rat bitch the rest of my life. so now all of you still trying to fight for rights for kids to party with mike johnson because hes so good lo9oking and we need to desensitize uh pedohpiles whilke "training " kid to even just accused a 10 year old of raping the 14 year old girl but no you guys arent voting kids on kids trying to p-lay shoot your local heroin dealer over pilkus. and not understanding what we are saying everything that has been backing this i hope there arent more that feel like this.

cause if i wanted to do this my whole life i would have had a better stage set like all of you actors and actress wanna be

the 0 sugar diet comes from what entity in this fight? why is it at my moms and my dads if my mom still hates on my step mom how do i forgive and not let you suffer. how do i not let all of Hazelton suffer?

using my no religion rule you're also going to have to accept scotts excuse since he grew up in church and they went preaching on indian reservations out west. and now you all have your own religion and it has had adverse effects on me my whole life. so im the anti and now everyone needs some form of comfort.

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mainfaggot · 1 year

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no one is home. just me and coco

#coco is my cat.....#we're moving next saturday. i lived here with my family for five years #thats crazy.. we've never lived in one place this long #my bedroom in the new house has one huge ass window that takes up like 3/4 of a wall #and a personal bathroom :]#so thats nice. i want to get out of here quickly #but I'll miss it i think. I'll miss lying flat on the floor of the sunniest room and staring at the ceiling #I'll miss sitting on the porch with a cigarette or a coffee or both #I'll miss the me that lived here before everything went to shit #so basically I'll miss the version of myself that maybe had a chance of doing something important and getting somewhere in life #i dont know what im doing anymore but my parents will keep paying for everything and I'll keep smiling at family gatherings #z.post

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oneofus1048104 · 7 months

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@burningboxes

hey there bud. unknown here. i just wanted to say smthn. im sorry for not respecting what you wanted, and im sorry that i couldnt cut off contact with you for good and keep to what i wanted to say. i admit i do not respect what you want, but thats because due to the amount of memories we made (enabling or not) were very personal to me, and i didnt wanna let go so soon. it was way too hard to just let go and not try to get you back. ive attempted to reflect on my mistakes and it really hasnt worked. this isnt a message to get you back, this is TRULY what im gonna say to you. i wish i could make u happy by respecting what you want, but its too hard and too much for me. not cus im a 14 year old, but cus i had fun with you, and i didnt (and sometimes still dont) wanna let go of being friends. i wanted to make things right even if they never were, i wanted to try. so now you know the truth on why i stalked you so much. i hope one day when im older and when has been moved from, maybe we can be friends again (maybe not do the shit we did, but just in general). hell if we became friends again now (which ik for a damn fact most likely wont happen and ive accepted that as a fact) i wouldnt do the rp shit if u didnt want to. im really sorry that i made you so uncomfortable and i wish we could put this behind us. but its not really that easy, and letting go of a friend like you isnt easy either. no offense dude, but i dont think you get how hard it is. if you ever want to reconcile with me, on the bright side i have some potential season 4 ideas if that day ever comes. if i could restart all of this, i gladly would and id try my best to be a better person. btw for the record, my parents dont actually know what happened with you and me, and i do not want to tell them cause it wouldnt make anything better. i just wanna get help and make you proud of me. not like ur my father, but just making you smile knowing that i changed. but i havent and im deeply ashamed for not using that opportunity. i just wanna say thank you for being there for me and for everything, making me happy and making me laugh one last time before you blocked me (most likely for good). even if you didnt want to you did it for me. your law friend that talked to me before, id like to speak with him. not cus i wanna enable anything/guilt trip HIM into submission, but just to talk to him, considering i asked him to vc a pretty big amount and it made him uncomfortable. like he said hed be there for me, but he left cus of me and now i dont really have anyone that can help me. then i was dragged into some drama about your friend who works in law and his s/o, and before you say anything i couldnt really get out, i dug myself in that hole and plus, their s/o had been going through some rough shit. i just wanted a way out and i wanna go back to the point in time that you were happy with yourself + i was happy with you and vice versa. that was easier for the both of us. i wish it didnt have to be this way and i wish you could give me another chance. thank you for everything and i hope that whatever life you live you wont be scared of me anymore, you have a boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever you want that loves you, and you have a paying job that gives you a good amount of wealth for your life. goodbye my old friend, if anything ever changes id be happy to see it. i wanna be friends again alot but ik thats not possible. and im truly sorry for what i did. btw heres a bit of advice from me. if you dont want minors on the internet interacting with you, go on rule 34 or an adults only site. just my thoughts but im not ur fucking dad so.

thank you for everything. unknown out.

November 2nd, 2023 @ 11:07 PM CDT

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raincamp · 10 months

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7 - 19 - 23

why is being mentally ill so fucking expensive???

i've been really stressed about money recently. and i hate it because im only 19 right, i shouldn't be worrying about how to pay back thousands of dollars in medical debt, i haven't even made my first rent payment in my life yet.

my insurance decided to deny coverage for my hospital stay earlier this month after i attempted. i have to pay thousands for an ambulance, for the days they kept me over my allotted insured days, for the stay at the hospital where they evaluated me, and i can't get any help because im still on my parents insurance, and they dont want to help me pay for my treatment anymore.

(TW for suicidal ideation and bad hospital experiences)

after my insured days were up, i begged the fucking doctors at the psychiatric hospital not to keep me longer, not only because they were COMPLETELY unequipped to handle treating my BPD beyond sedating me everytime i had an episode, but also because it was $600 a day that i had to pay out of pocket (+ extra fees for meds etc). and you know what the doctor said? "you're still reporting passive suicidal ideation, i dont feel comfortable sending you home."

yeah, of course i have passive ideation, i'm fucking borderline, that's literally one of my symptoms, one of the diagnostic criteria in the DSM. you think you can put my BPD into remission in two weeks?

i have good treatment at home, i go to group weekly, have one on one dbt, get phone coaching with my therapist, but this fucking doctor wouldn't let me go, and after spending almost a week begging her, she finally agreed to IF i signed an ROI for my parents. that manipulative bitch

i dont tell my parents the details of my treatment for a reason. you can probably imagine how that went down when i got home.

anyway, that's neither here nor there. today I've been feeling like i am completely unable to survive in this society. i can't manage to get myself to go to work consistently, despite the fact that i get paid decently and want to. last week was the first week since i was employed in april that i went to work everyday.

i called in today. i just cant fucking do it. work takes everything out of me. i come home and sleep 12 hours because im exhausted, and if i have the time i can sometimes convince myself to make food before i leave for work again. i dont have time for hobbies, i dont have time to enjoy anything, getting to see friends means being sleep deprived, i don't even have time to take care of myself. calling in sick is me giving myself time to fucking shower and eat a meal and clean my room and possibly even do something relaxing so i don't drown in stress.

now that im drowning in medical bills— among the rent and electricity bills i will have to start paying next month when i move out, along with the debt im in for my car— being unable to go to work consistently feels like a death sentence. and honestly, yeah, i am considering death so that i dont have to worry about this shit anymore. because obviously me with my chronic mental illnesses— that even if they do manage to go into remission, will make me a slave to the healthcare system in the process— are not meant to thrive in this society.

i cant fucking do it. not right now- and if I can't right now while im in a stable living situation, then i certainly wont be able to when the roof over my head is dependent on whether or not i can get myself out of bed everyday.

its bullshit that im considering killing myself over medical bills at 19.

- andrew

#diary #tumblr diary #online diary #journal #journalling #tumblr journal #mental illness #mentally ill #im not mentally stable #actually bpd #actually mentally ill #therapy stuff #psych hospital #mental hospital

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cometchasr · 10 months

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🍀 and 🧠 for all of your OCs

this got deleted and im depressed i'll try to remember my answers. fuck this stupid site

askgame

🍀- what originally inspired the oc?

comet: self insert, but like a really idealistic and naive one. made in a time when i didn't know how scarred i was. not very representative of me anymore, and i dont think he ever was, at least not in reality. maybe in perception.

stas: the strategic, mapgame playing side of me. smart and friendly because this was also when i still didn't know i had real issues that affected me a lot.

alex: me. in full. entirely. issues, insanity, distance, different personalities depending on mood, smart, everything. it's a way for me to see myself

rax: he's based on rex (igneous), shatter (pre-jin death), and some of tenor gang, and he's the calm guy in the polycule. but also playful and wild, because all 3 of them have different modes at varying levels of obviousness (alex has multiple that are obvious, rax has 2 that are obvious, azhar has 2 that are not). hes like the middle because while alex just is deathly afraid of interaction and azhar can interact rax jst prefers not to do it too much. very fun guy to be around. gets the job done, but still has fun

azhar: also tenor gang, specifically mainly one person. chill, friendly, like the coolest person in the world. i cant describe this but you'll know when he appears, because its so intangible its only explainable when you actually read the words. his 2 modes are the chill laidback normal one and the cold/distant one when he's angry or sad

🧠- what do you like most about the oc?

comet: the fact that hes who i thought i was. the me i idealized, the one i wanted to be (but wasn't). the fact that he's wild and full of energy and also dignified, the fact that even without the depression and the insecurity i can see parts of myself in him. the fact that he still loves intensely and fully and genuinely. the fact that, even though i never really developed him as a character, his mark remains in my life

stas: he's everything i ever wanted to do with government. the fact that he's so hardworking but still fucks around half the time, like a paradoxical monster, because hes just getting through it. the way he teaches at the university and almost pays more attention to that than running the country, and how he's the chillest teacher ever. his relationship with zym. fluffy and so gay and burring the lines between platonic and romantic and being so incredibly beautiful

alex: the fact that he is me, in the closest form i could find. the fact that he has the same issues as i do, and he works through them, and he gets to go on adventures and be free and do everything i can't. and that he falls in love so fully, and how happy he is in the end despite all the pain, and how his walls never actually fully break for everyone. how he's still fragmented, its just that the different personalities show up in different amounts now, how his anger is so destructive but is, ultimately, formed out of love, to defend something he genuinely cares about. how all three of them are like this

azhar: when he gets angry or sad, he does the same thing as alex (withdraw and cut off all connections; hide), but its so different. alex tries to just not exist, azhar hides behind a mask of perfect formality; alex destroys with an explosion, azhar destroys with detachment. how he refuses to evolve, breaking eevee tradition, until he does, because his friends were in danger. how he's confident and can confront authority but not his peers (he asks chatot to let him into the guild but is told he needs a teammate... which hes too anxious to ask for).

rax: his different personalities. wild and playful, and calm. how he keeps the lycanium z around his neck, the last thing from his parents, and how he finally gets to use it at the end. how he joined later, and just... immediately became close with them. how he'll do anything to protect them, because he lost his parents once and he can't go through the pain again (but he doesn't have a choice, does he, when alex disappears?)

#qna #mine #im sorry the post was deleted it was so fucking frustrating #in the original rax pt 2 (brain) was better but i cant fuckin remember

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echosofmyself · 1 year

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sometimes i thibk you would prefer ifi just disappeared. would it even matter anyway? no one would care if im gone. eveeyone would move on. my new friends would be fine, they barely know me. my once closer than a sister doesnt care anymore. my best friend would be fine. bit sad, but its not like we're that close anyway. thegirls would also be ok. they might hurt at first but i dont see them truly caring in the long run. and my family would be better, wouldnt they. hteyll have a new baby so they can just forget all about me. i feel so outside of everything. i felle like, im at a party, and everyone around me is having fun and im seeing it tru a glass. they wouldnt care if i left, if i disapppeared, if i went away because in the end, no one really needs me and if no one needs me then theres no point for me to be here. i simply exist to be used and used and discarted and the sencond im drained then who would want me. i can dream and fantasize but the turth is, no one cares about me. no one will ever love me the way i want to be loved, not just because i dont allow myself but because theres so much better im out there. i'm the typoe people might look at and say "yea someday someone will care because why wouldnt they but its just not me" but when everyone looks at you that way then no one stays to csre. i leaned when i was 18, that they might like my perosnality and even my looks, but no one will stay for the true person i am inside. no one will care for me as soon as i truly open up and as much as i hate overly dramatic "broken" people the truth is i am one just like that. my prime has passed without me even utilizing it. i just float around eith noting to care about. this was the best year of my life anyet i still feel like this. and yet im still useless and full of flaws and all i want to do is go home and sleep forever. it must be marvelous, to be able to go to sleep and be in such a state for the rest of my life. no worries, no letting down people, no forcing myself to be this or that and to go against my nature, just me in my purest state: dead-like. ~ to feel inthe outside what i feel inside is to just let this indifference take me. my whole bosy is endlessly filled with the indifference of life, and i'll argue that that's the worse thing to feel. When you hate life, you let your emontions take place, and you hate something becuase u believe its possible to change it and yet you arent able. to feel misery of life means at one point you had something of value in it and simply miss it dearly. all these are still horriblethings to feel, and yet indiffernece is the worse. because when ure indifferent, you dony cate how unjust it all is, you dont care about what might have been taken from you or what might have been, you simply..dont care. You simply do as your told because that simple command is th elast thing keeping you attached to this world and you even stop that, stop pretending you care about something, then theres truly nothinb.- no ire, resentment or sadness- attaching you to this world. you could leave today or tommrow and it would make so difference. Nothing ever does, in the end. does it really matter what i do with my life, if theres no one there- including ymself- to see it? having any achievements in my life feels like a never ending cycle, the one where u did the coolest cartwheel as a child but your parents werent looking, and only hum when you call for them. They dont even look at you, no matter what you do, and just keep on with their talk. a never ending life of not seen cartwheels feels so draining, only made worse when people later ask you why arent you doig htem more and why cant you make them better. whats the point n looking if they arent improving? whats the point of paying attention to you if you arent what i wanted you to be?

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taegularities · 2 years

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My lovely rid, i came across this movie again on tiktok and an idea popped into my head. I dont know if you are taking requests, but if you do need some ideas, are open for smth rn or would like to write a HEAVY angsty fic of jk one day, listen tu me. The name of the Movie is “Delibal“ Deli in turkish means: stoopid, weird, crazy and bal means honey. Delibal is abt two college students. The boy is pretty much deli. hes crazy, hes wild, a bit stoopid with a very big heart, he is very good looking, has tattoos, a man bun, likes boxing and is a drummer who has a beautiful voice. One day in a cafe, he sees this beautiful girl and for him its love at first sight. He doesnt have the guts to ask her out at first tho. when driving home with the bus from college one day, the girl sits onto the empty space besides him and he cant believe his eyes that she not only goes to his college but sits right beside him. he says smth like: do you believe in destiny ? and she doesnt get it bc she isnt really paying attention to him. She exists before he could properly talk to her and the next day in the library he asks the lady if she knows the girl. the woman is stunned and says that over 20.000 students go there and asks him how she is supposed to know her. As determined as he is, he says then we have to go thru 20.000 students etc. later on they get to know each other, he is very straight forward bc he cant keep it inside of him anymore and she is a bit shy and not so talkative bc hes such an extrovert. they fall in love and he asks her to marry him in such a beautiful way and she ofc says yes but her parents arent too pleased with that bc shes still young and in college. They nevertheless agree in the end and they both marry each other and the wedding is held between their closest family and friends and everything is just beautiful, he sings a song which he had written for her etc. They both then go and he jumps into a lake bc of how happy he is. they get home and into the sheets and are as happy as ever. After some time tho, smth seems to break. they argue more and more and she tells him that he is hurting her ( mentally ). he ( what we get to see later in the movie ) suffers from depression and cant get his thoughts together but never showed her this side of him but ofc it came back and made him act up. he was so angry at himself for hurting her and “destroying“ their relationship and began to drink again, get into fights etc. long story short, he somehow went away snd bc if that she couldnt meet him for a few days. she later on finds a tape and is confused. while watching she sees that its s tap of him. he tells her that he loves her so much and that hes so sorry that he couldnt keep his promise. he tells her that the stars will watch over her and that he loves her like nothing else. she watches this tape in her dark living room alone and cries SO much. She tells her family and they tell her that he might‘ve killed himself and she gets angry at them ( is basically in denial ) and sometimes gets flashbacks of them together when she for example enters their bedroom etc ( all while the police is looking for him ). It later on shows scenes of him standing at a cliff with his cigarette and he fell into the water ( committed suicide ). police pulls him out of the water and she sees him actually dead and looses it. So Idk why but this boy seems like so much of a jk to me. Hes a drummer, can sing, has such a big heart, looks good, tatts, man bun, likes wearing boots and just has a really cool style overall. Why im writing you this rn is bc i love your writing. you have not only such god vocabulary but when i read your stories, it rather seems like i am watching a movie if that makes sense. So if you need any ideas or would like to write a really HEAVY angsty fic abt jk, think abt using this storyline and adding your own scenes and ideas to it 🌸 it would be so good i cant even explain. Imma give you two links for you to understand the movie more. 1. is a trailer with english subtitles and the 2. is the scene in which she watches his tape.

its me again ! i said smth wrong. hes not depressive. hes bipolar.

- 🧚🏻

heeey, so before i get to the ask, i wanna request that u put sensitive topics in a tw at the top of an ask, bcos the mention of su*icide hit me like a truck 💀

ahhh, this storyline actually reminds me of a bollywood movie for some reason! it’s called ‘aashiqui 2′ and deals with fame, love, depression and suicide. tho i’m not really a fan of love stories ending in suicide or death (i didn’t really enjoy aashiqui 2 bcos of its ending 💀), delibal must be good, if u liked it !! i also can totally see how u thought of jk here :’)

i’m not taking requests, and after the atrw chaos, i actually swore to myself to never write a fic based on or inspired by a movie/show again :’) but i might watch the movie once i’m in the right mindset, so thank u for the rec !! and it’s also so sweet of u to think of me here... thank u for enjoying my writing enough to reckon i could do the movie justice 🥺

i’ll answer ur ask with the links separately so anyone who’s interested sees it, too !!

#please make sure to tag sensitive topics properly peeps !!#tw suicide and death #tw bipolar #notes for rid 🌹#🧚 anon #long ask

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