#i dont hate to be alone but i have too much time to think and its very dangerous
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I just had a thought- how would Grim and the ramshackle ghosts feel about all the stuff happening to us?
Especially if the yandere(s) are coming over to our dorm too! Would they, depending on the severity of the yandere and their specific actions, range from supporting it cuz yknow reader gets to be happy with someone who treats them well and loves them to concerned because sweetie please get yourself outta there 😭
I can imagine Grim is NOT alright with it and for a multitude of reasons, they are taking away your time with HIM, and once he pays more attention to the bigger picture? Yeah messed up things be occasionally happening that could very well hurt you!! He does not like that!!!
im just imagining Grim being visibly not alright and reader will not have it either when it comes to him, they are a PACKAGE deal and that is that no matter which yandere comes their way 🗣️
we have many people more alright with Grim being reader’s number one priority, or yknow silently(?) wishing it was them, poor Grim and Reader man encountering yandere after yandere 😭
Grim would give us a look if we expressed any sort of romantic interest in any yandere I think lol
‘Pologies if it was too long or ranty, though I am curious who you think would be the most and least alright with this? I imagine Leona and Ace (legally required to bring up Ace he’s my all time fav next to Grim) would NOT like it lmao
.. first off, this is the longest ask ive ever gotten, I gotta just say oml thank you so much????? You, wrote all of this, fpr me?? 🥹🥹🥹💖💖💖 this literally made my week thank you so much bestie 🥹😭 second off, this inspired me to rant too, I hope you enjoy!- (not proofread btw)
So im mainly gonna focus on grim, no offence to ramshackle ghost fans, I just really like the silly little fire-cat/rat/weasel/creature. He was literally our first friend, our first companion (I bet Ace and grim bicker on who was your first).
And oh boy, guy is NOT HAPPY when he sees all these dumbasses vying for your attention and either trying to butter him up with tuna (which will not work on the mighty grim!) or ugnore him completely! Like you stated you and him are a package deal! Get the prefect and get their silly hungry companion!!
Now, grim surely uses his position as your closest companion as a safety net, they can't kill off the closest you have to family in this world! Guess they gotta live with him if they wanna have a life with you.
Ace hates that grim was your friend before him, feeling annoyed whenever he bullied (Juice) Deuce about being friends with you before him only for grim to butt in. Ace isn't too annoyed with grim though, and grim thinks that Ace is one of the better choises of the roster you have, they're both friends after all.
Of course most students in the cast don't liek "sharing" you with grim, especially the more territorial ones. Leona is probably the worst, I mean come on they're both feline looking creatures. With scent being a heavy thing for felines (yes even beastmen dont come at me) Leona is not happy to have his scent on you be muddied by the little rodent (the greatest mage of all, grim). Probably the worst choise since they're just gonna bicker to the end of the world..
Floyd doesn't like this either! Not fair that he has to share!! And with grim no less.. Floyd results in biting you instead of scenting, his chompers being good for nibbling on you. He also has the advantage that grim is sorta afraid of him (honestly who wouldn't be? Especially yan Floyd...).
Kalim tries to brime grim, with anything he could ever think off! Unlimited tuna for grim, and the best there is as well!! Nything grim could ever want on a silver platter, only if grim let's kalim marry you! That alone doesn't sound too bad, but that unsettling horrifying servant that follows Kalim around. He knows what jamil can do, and he sure does NOT want you with that dude!- guy is manipulative and creepy (he would definelty seperate you and grim!-)
Malleus... Malleus scares grim, guys is honestly horrifying. Threatening to curse him into an eternal slumber so he can whisk you away from him, he doesn't want that! You would also get sad id malleus did that, so luckily the possessive dragon had to share (for now...)
Whoever you choose, grim would probably disapprove, guy thinks of you as family (he will never admit that tho). He cares about you, and he is not okay with the invasion of privacy from these teenagers! >:(
I know you didn't ask fpr any drawing or such, but I couldn't help myself sorry 🤭 hope you like my ramblings back at you!
#yandere twst#yandere twisted wonderland#yandere twst art#yandere twisted wonderland art#yandere ace#yandere ace trappola#yandere leona#yandere leona kingscholar#yandere floyd#yandere floyd leech#yandere kalim#yandere kalim al asim#yandere jamil#yandere jamil viper#yandere malleus#yandere malleus draconia#grim being a silly guy#i love grim sm best dude in twst fr
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was abt to make a silly post about how at this point i barter with the universe for a bf like "please id take care of him and walk him and dress him up", like a child begging for a pet, and then i think abt how as much as i want an actual pet I don't think im fit to ever have one of those either
#talkys#i want a partner i dont think i should have one for equal parts not thinking im worthy and also being too picky#and enjoying my alone time as much as the loneliness and skin hunger hurts me so badly every single day#after hearing with and interacting with others its like is it even worth it if ill still turn to my imagination...! like will it ever be#enough?#or i see ppl post about the Good and its like. id never be lucky enough to find someone who fit my needs and didnt hate me and#wanted to spend time with me it wld be so difficult. i will never be that lucky#but then wagh. ive talked about this before i hate falling into this pit bc ive always been undesirable so convincing myself of all this#feels very like. well yeah. it was never gonna happen anyway but good thing you finally found your Cope!#delete later#i cannot even make friends. the stars will never align. but all i want is my own guy to worship. belongs with me‚ the devotee#being unworthy but also being like. im a catch i can be as picky as i want (forgets hes ugly as fuck and kind of useless with it too)#whatever either way we are not going to make it
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i don’t think i can ever be really close to anyone
#im so#ugh i cant stand myself#i think im way too attached to my family and i cant imagine ever getting that close to someone else#i just feel weird around people and i wish i didnt#and im not very aocial and i know that my friends hate it#and maybe its partly because im a twin and im not used to being without her#and now we’re growing up and i’m not with her as much because she’s like idk being normal and doing stuff and im not#i just feel like i cant be alone because i cant do anything#but i want to be alone so i can do stuff without having other people around becuse i liek beign alone and i get tired of people no matter#i cant even write what i feel cuz i dont know#and maybe its just late and i haould be asleep cuz im tired all the time but im alone so i can do stuff but also im alone:/#other people are different than me in a way i don’t understand and idk why but i cant bond with people frfr#and im a very difficult person i know that but i just wish i could get close to people in the way they seem to be with each other#but i just. dont like people#but also i love people and i hate being alone im just kinda private#i just dont get why im not like others😭#why am i different than everyone else
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I would like. To be in mutual love
#rant#yeah...#...........................................................................................................................................#look its like this. im chronically ill. i know its not totally up to me i cant go out 1-3 times a week trying ro meet ppl. i know i#cant even eat some days my tummy too upset. cant work some days cant even sit up. can barely keep up witj friends i already have#and i know the being drained wont get better. i might be this sick forever. and i know im prioritizing my own art over#meetjng strangers. thats a choice. i know its my own fault im lonely. i also just. i wanna build a relationship#that long term where u meet and become friends then best friends then fall in love and hey if ur lucky marry ur best friend#and i know that wont come from forcing myself on dates w ppl i dont like. i know no ones ever liked me before#i know i havent felt attraction in years anyway. i miss having a crush. but i suppose itd be sad anyway. to crush and not be liked back#to feel ill need to wait another 5 years for another rare crush. i dont believe in fate i dont think. so i might not ever#kiss someoje i like. i might not get lucky and hold a crushs hand. spend months or years with someone like that#i just. i hate so much romance isnt like skills. i cant just date 1x a week until i run into love#i cant even find 1 person a month to crush on let alone ask out. cause the feelings are luck too#luck of who u run into even if u go tl events. even wuen i had 10k tinder matches the only date#the only person who respjded. was someone with a gf who didnt have much in common with me and me not mucj w them and it#was just not enough click to even make a friend#god it makes me sad. id like to kiss someone special. hold their hand. hear em talk hours#i have friends and love em but i dont wanna kiss a friend. i just dont feel romancy very much.
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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.
#I wish you could send people a survey every month#like 'do you still like me' 'are you growing tired of me' 'am i too annoying'#i feel like deep down i know my friends like me#but i get wound up so often just questioning every interaction#and over analyzing it till it makes me feel ill#you can have a convo and it wont be the best most perfect convo in the world every time#yeah thats how it works!#but i start overthinking every thing and its so hard to rationalize myself#EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO REASON TO THINK THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE#god i hate this#i wish i could remove the ability of self introspection#why must i question every interaction and run in circles making myself think im living in some world where i am hated and disgust people#ah man being alone at home is not good for me#i dont hate to be alone but i have too much time to think and its very dangerous#its bad bcs like i dont want to question people#like if i found out a friend thought i was losing interest in them id be so sad!#but it's impossible to think from the other perspective#instead i just start making conspiracy theories to myself abt how i am detested actually#sry i think i go on this rant every month#im lonely :(#catie.rambling.txt
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I HATE MY FUUCKIUNING BRAIN SHUTUP
#STUPID IMAGINATION#the saw trailer and one episode of dw i watched decided obviously i should dream about like#being trapped in some sort of fucking i dont even know in the house i used to live in that ended with time travel and#me murdering several people and like poking their guts and stuff#k maybe i watched the silent hill dnp video alone in the basement too but thats unrelated#also that dream was really bad and i hate the way my brain takes everything and squishes it together#anyway i need a hug but of course everyone i care about lives A BILLION FUCKING MILES AWAY#im gonna write soooooo much fanfic after this#its a coping mechanism i guess#left a lot of stuff out of that dream but it was. bad#anyway#i have to go to school#[insert cool original post tag]#one of my favorite people ever was there though so that was nice. during the start where it was all fun and cool hanging around in space#i think i was rose during that part for some reason#he was telling me to find puzzle pieces that were also active parts of my dream. it got dark quickly#you guys dont wanna hear about this#nevermind
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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valentines day became a lot more fun and less agonising to me as an ace-aro person after it finally clicked over the past few years that whatever the fuck happens today is what i make of it, and that can and does include loving and appreciating the shit out of the friends ive decided i'd like to spend my life with in a way that i can define on my own terms not limited to the generic concept of romance. which i absolutely revel in doing, personally
#first and last post im gonna make about it BUT#kinda wild as a kid who got picked on on vday and got Insanely bitter abt the whole holiday for most of my teenage years#and coped by being 'totally fine with' the idea of living and dying alone bc who could Possibly want to get that close on my terms#that im here now and actually vibing with it#and like. if you hate vday personally i am giving you a pat on the back in solidarity. me too still for the most part#i am not going to be annoying about it for your sakes i respect you so much. best of luck avoiding Designated Love Day#but i am personally reclaiming this shit as a semi-recently discovered Bitch Who Yearns.#what a nice day to consider love in all its incredible forms! how great to remember i love and am loved in return#despite the years and years of thinking it just wasnt something that even loosely applied to me#funny how that works out sometimes. that im still learning things about myself#(some of this is slightly exaggerated ofc i have and have had friends who mean a Lot to me throughout! when i say 'alone' i dont mean Alone#(but it is still only recently ive started to unpack the 'i dont Need to bond that closely with people im Fine to live on my own' kinda#shit that i internalised for a stupid long time as a teenager#maybe i Do want to spend my life with other people in my own queerplatonic way and not only are there people who want that with me#but also make me want it with Them. and thats more than i could ever have imagined as a teenager)#ok tags ramble over im done getting sentimental khgCSDJ
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Am I nauseous because I'm hungry or because I triggered myself last night
#my stomach hurts and i need to eat but the idea of doing that is. ack#and i cant tell my parents why because id have to unpack so much spontaneously#like id have to explain i was on the internet before they let me make an account and that i didnt tell them when i was getting those dms#and how its basically ruined any neutrality i had towards sex because ill be fine and then BAM!#everyone else is 12 year old me and im an adult and im my abuser and im going to hurt them if i keep talking about this#just because it was only words doesnt mean it fucked everything up forever. i know back then i was aroace but didnt have the words#but i sincerely think id be just sex neutral if it wasnt for that fucking asshole and now i think about sex for too long and get sick#and i didnt say anything because i thought they were my friend and i dont know if they were 11 like they said they were or not either way#its just. im getting so much off my chest here i wish i could go back in time and tell myself to block after that first message#and i didnt say anything after i realized because i wasnt allowed to have social media and i didnt want to get in trouble over that part#fantasizing alone is one thing but as soon as someone else is involved theyre me and im that person on da and i hate it. i hate it i hate it#i hate it i hate it#is that a common thing. where you feel like youre the abuser in certain contexts even if youre nothing like them#whatever. i have physical therapy and then ask a prof if i can use him as a reference and then finish my application if he gets back to me#and then i can rot all i want#sky vents like amogus
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now heres the thing is my rule is i have to live on my own for a year before im allowed to get a pet but also consider what if i had a little friend .
#in my heart i want a wawa so badly it hurts but alsoooo i worry quite a bit bc like. i work full time... so el wawa would be at home alone a#lot and one thing about the beautiful adorable majestic chihuahua is they have to pee every 3-4 hours. so i would have to have some way to#let them out OR keep them outside while im at work but another thing is 1. apartments dont generally have backyards#2. chihuahuas get cold very easily .... i could do some ssort of doggy daycare but i fear that would be expensive .... and i hate pee pads#and would prefer not 2 use them so i dont rly have much optionn 😭 but i want a chihuahua so badly.#but ALSO. a kitty cat.... i love cats i think theyre really quite sweetsies and also i think they could handle living in an apartment bette#esp since famously cats use the bathroom indoors. u may know.#so... i could potentially get a kitty..... but also i dont want to get one until im absolutely positive i could take good care of it and i#feel like i could esp now that ive got a system that works so well 4 motivating me to do my daily tasks yk. and also i think if i had my ow#apartment id feel a lot safer just like. being up and around the apartment so thatd be good... but also pets r expensive. but also the apt#i just applied to is rly quite cheap (like 1050 a month) its income restricted but i qualify by like a lot LMAO... n this would be perfect#bc 1050 is likee. not even a full paycheck i could pay rent with 1 paycheck and still have like 150 left over and then my other paycheck fo#the month is fully mine... so i could save up lots#+ wsg is included in the rent whichhh is insane. adn the apartment is cute and Trust . alarm bells were going off a bit bc i was like maybe#this is too good to be true we all remember the 800$ scam incident. but its a verified listing and i checked the propertymanagers and theyr#legit... its even got a washer and dryer IN UNIT and also a fitness center which is good bc i wanna try n start doing more cardio...#IT EVEN HAS A FIREPLACE i dont particularly need a fireplace but its cool 2 have one i could make smores right in my very own living room#AND ITS NOT A STUDIO its a 1 br...#grahhh i rly rly rly want ittt ik i prolly wont get it but :[
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why do flights cost so fucking much
#i hate jetstar theyre far too hgihly priced for the crap service but virgin would squeeze me so bad#im not going down south until after xmas but im looking at flights n im thinking ill have to push it til like feb which mwans taking holiday#n like. i wanna take a real bit of time off i dont have much acceural#would consider driving down but mum would throw a fit if i did it alone n dads not available to drive with me#also hes an annoying road trip partner but if i were doing that itd be nice for him to come down too cause my pa loves him lmao#but ugh. all around a mess!
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September is either gonna be the break i need or it'll break me
#we're moving offices and the new one isnt ready yet but we need to be out of our current office by september#and i still dont know whats happening with me#so. i might have a break. i might need to find another job for that time#cause it could be a few months before our new office is ready.#im thinking of maybe trying to stream more and do commissions and stuff to make some money#i hope i know whats going on soon so i can make plans#i really dont want to look for another job in the interim i hate job hunting no one evrr hires me and rhen i have to get used to a whole new#place. and#thats.hard#i was thinking it wasnt worth seeking out a professional autism diagnosis but. with my vision alone since im.not legally blind i dont#dont qualify for the disability support pension#but if i had an explanation for why i cant really work more than 15 hours a week mentally...#maybe ill qualify. and maybe theyll consider adhd too. though i think that needs to be under management for a while first#anyway.#AAAAAAAA#so much is happrning man oh my god#im so#ive been holdikg on to any bit of happiness ive had this week#like finding a 2 litre bottle of solo#i cant take one more bad thing
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God fucking damn it he opened the fucking door.
#you know the drill.#spoilers in the tags! dont read tags unless youve listened to 160 of tma!#anyway fucking hell jonah can you lay off the dramatics for one second. and are we SURE this guy isnt a web avatar cuz hrghhhhh#i LOVED seeing everything all spilt out. also the fucking CHILLS i got when the statement opened with 'hello jon.'#and ough. just jon desperately trying to look away from the statement. i hate jonah-elias-whoever so fucking much.#also why does daisy have a safehouse? is that just like. a think people have? huh?#and all the shit before this episode too. like my boy :( martin :(#peter taunting jon in the lonely was imaculate. chefs kiss. martin sounded so. empty and far away in there. the echo was nice.#and holy FUCK the entirety of 158.#my heart fucking SKIPPED when i heard notsasha. as well as the hunters. and the recording of gertrude#gertrude really went 'what are you gonna do? stab me?' which is so valid of her. also... her cat? huh?#and the whole thing with peter martin and elias in the prison tower like huh?!#peter: thats it mister... get into the lonely! get in there!#martin: this house is a FUCKING NIGHTMARE#ive of course been interacting with the fandom for a bit so i knew of the 'sorry for the deception' monologue but i though it was in s5?#it really caught me off guard is all. and of course i had no context to hearing the whole thing and hearing jon read in eliass voice was so#taking a small break to say jon what the fuck was up with that jess girl?! like it was frustrating to see the staff always mad at jon#but the only time i felt i understood where the others were coming from WAS scrutiny.#thinking about 'answer my question!' 'leave me alone!' forever by the way. fuck peter honestly#i would like to say i thought lonelyeyes was ALL CRACK until 158. still not quite my thing but i can definetly see it now#the 'are you scared? perfect.' from elias really hit different after its revealed elias was trying to get him marked#and its just like !!! to save martin jon had to compete eliass plan! he got marked by the lonely trying to save martin!#in lighter news georgie and melanie! woo! in darker news melanie :( ough. ouch. and daisy i think? lesnians stay losing apparently :(#im still very confused on elias and peters bet though so ill ask about THAT in another post probably. like. dude.#gertrude: im maintaining my humanity.#also gertrude: throws micheal into the spiral?#i liked the conformation how low stakes the extinction was because i REALLY did not get it? i always forgot it was ther#from the start it felt like a ruse from peter so it was nice to hear martin call it out. the extinction was really not doing it for me.#anyway. catch me sobbing ough. they worked so hard. did all they could to prevent it. but in doing that they brought it themselves#the magnus archives
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the hardest part about having an addictive personality is like. you KNOW you can try to discipline yourself or just keep facing the consequences of the bad thing until you finally steel yourself and say 'no. no more bad thing. because it makes me feel bad'
like you KNOW youre capable of doing it. everyone is. and youve done it... maybe once? twice?
but for you, that resolve to finally stop and recover is locked behind a door that everyone SWEARS has a key and you just need to discipline yourself to find it. but you have disciplined yourself and you have tried everything and your fucking door doesnt have a key. it just doesnt. so you can hardly remember a time when you got to just... say no. and unlock the door
and you know that at SOME rare points in your life you have had something so catastrophically bad happen related to the addiction (usually involving hospitalization or something equally serious) that you broke the fucking locked door down and finally stopped. so you know it CAN be open and you CAN see the other side of that door.
it's just way fucking harder when the key to yours doesnt exist.
#BLOGGING LOUDLY#i guess this is why im scared to drink more than a tiny bit#and like i dont want to i definitely have gotten past that i dont ever really feel the compulsion to make myself more miserable#like i used to#but. i still feel this with other things#that are definitely self destructive and just. not good#or even innocuous things that arent terrible but i just. cant stop. even when i DO#and i FINALLY want to stop and really WANT to. and i think ill find the key any second because ive said no and stopped!#but the key never comes and i can never get to that next step of STAYING done. as soon as something bad happens i want to do it again#and i go WELL FUCK IT I CANT FIND THE FUCKING KEY ANYWAY and i give in and do the thing again#its just#its so tirinf#i miss having that resolve#i spend too much time feeling completely alone to ever really feel in control of it#whch is another form f dysfunction in itself but yknow. cant get past it. i hate being alone#maybe if i fix that it will get easier to deny myself things#god i used to think i had an iron will when it came to this shit. heres to my idiot past self who thought the drinking was the hard part
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im like narcissus but a girl
#i feel like im deeply and irreversively self centered. not that im a bad person. but that i just dont connect and dont want to#everything i think revolves around me what i am doing what i would say how i would react how i would move#and i repeat my own scene 100 times#i can spend hours looking at myself in the mirror but i dont#as if to stop myself from being so self centered. and i get in the shower and think about#hypothetical scenarios where i am talking to someone and i am saying things about me#i feel like an outside observer of people#if i didnt get pushed into social circles i could spend my entire life alone#i dont miss people. when i do what i miss is the entertainment i got from being with them#when i love someone i cant tell if its real or if im making myself believe i love them because accepting that i cant form attachments#would be too much. i would have a dull life. not because im lonely but because i would be bored#but am i thinking this because i actually feel this way. am i actually unable to get attached to people#or have i just convinced myself of that as some sort of weird repression#and thinking about this feels like a loop it feels like i will never get out of this way of thinking. because im just#thinking about how i think about how i think about how i think#and im not sure what it is exactly thats making me hate this#is it because i feel broken and deep inside i want connection? is that a desire i have#or do i hate it because i feel i am missing out on the human experience. i am very very afraid of missing out
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