#i dont even knkw what to talk about
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i hate writing cvs and teachers r useless at help i love them and i appreciate it but "i have no skills to put on my cv what should i put" - "aww no everyone has skills just think of something"
#SAME WITH REFERENCES#like i dont know people#it reminds me of when i tried to ask for another way to do a piece of homework because you needed to ask multiple people things#and my teacher refused to believe that i truly did not have a single friend to ask#and then finally went ok but said to ask other kids in my class#ma'am i had a panic attack after texting someone a simple message i truly cannot physically do that without passing out#i did not do the homework i couldnt be bothered to make up answers#so much of psychology was that though lol i just had to make up friends and answers#thats so humiliating to admit actually#see i used to be so sad that i didnt have friends but im not rlly anymore / srs#i havent had friends in years let alone close friends#i decided to stop trying it only ever results in stress for me lol#i dont even knkw what to talk about#like people dont rlly care about ur goals or interests or sharing theres or hobbies like what do we even do#its more lonely to have friends then not i think#and it does suck being alone but you get used to it even if ur extroverted and drained like me LMAO#its not like im anti social i just dont put myself out there#i want to live in a city apartment and fill it with pretty things#and learn an instrument#and get a pet#it's 2am im rambling im tired LMAO
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My mom: Should there be trans representation in kids shows?
Me: *paniced bevuse I can't say anything* uuuhhhhhhhhh I dunno......
Her: Well I'm all open for teaching your kids to be open minded, that's how we raised you! But if you push it onto them when they are little bity!! Thrn they will be abused by people!
Me trying to figure out how the FUCK showing trans and other things = child abuse.
#im BOUT SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THIS MOM#'oh but!! but trans people are sick and weird!' ?!?!??!?????????#SO FUCKING PISSED THIS IS LIEK THE 8TH TIME THIS WEEK!#'ohh let me be horribly transphobic! but say that i agree with them!' you really arnt..#'oh i knkw SOME do that hut i dont get it who would want to do that! and thease you people all want to jump on the band wagon-' THATS NOT!!#THATS NOT HOW THAT FUCKING WORKS!!!!!!#'Jumping on thr ban wagon' NO??? like even if they ARE its more of like a short journy to explore themselves??? and rhey junp off?? THE#THE FUCKING WAGON THATS WHAT FALLING OFF THE WAGON MEANS I MEAN SHIT#OR SOMETHING FUCK I DUNNO#anyway im very upset! and woule love to see more gay and trans rep in kids media fuck yeah!#give me blues clues talking about a trans thing or a gay cat#or like.....something#i dont remember that meny kids shows i watched like....#ruff ruffman....and the backyardagens....and kipper thr dog...#clifford too...#aaaaa....a few others...#hellow kitty but i still like hello kitty stuff...#yeah imboutta kids ideas i dunno but give me gay stuff to piss people off.
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Usaually I don't bother, but I'm writing to you because i have looked up to you for a long time. I don't need you to respond, maybe even prefer if you won't, but your last post was a big blow for me.
I'm an israeli.
I was born here. My mother was born here. Her grandmother was born here. My grand grandmother fled here after the holocaust.
And you knkw what? You don't have to agree with the israel goverment, i mean if you'd look it up you'll see that almost no one here supports our current goverment. I wish i could sit with you and talk about the conflict and explain that it's nit really black and white as tumblr would like to believe, but i don't think that's a possibility.
But writing that we are "white settlers" is just... god. It's a lie. Not even just antisemtic lie, becuase 20% of israeli citizens are actually arabs (both muslims and christians). most of jewish populations are not even "ashkenazi" jews.
The interent currently is not a very reliable source of history (like, i've seen people claim we should call tel aviv "ahuzat bait" since it is its arab name. It's not. It's in hebrew, and the name of the first street if tel aviv when it was legally bought)
And if you ask why not let all the middle east countries participate in the eurivision - actually they let them. They just decided the quit when israel joined.
Again, I'm writing becuase I'm hurt. You can dissmiss it if you want, but i wish you wouldnt. Again, you dont need to post it or respond, i just wish you will think twice about what you hear or learn about a war the happens to other people, and doesnt affect you at all (some of us - on both sides - are actually afraid of dying).
Peace, love, and mostly peace.
oh bless you anon - i hope you're okay with me posting this, because i wouldn't be able to respond otherwise. i admit entirely i was being reductive - i haven't spoken a lot about this issue here because i'm afraid of letting emotion get the better of me, when i know how morally complex this issue is. i was being reductive - and i absolutely know there are a lot of israeli-born jewish people who are native to the land. and i know there are a lot of jewish people in israel who are against the occupation. and i know there is a huge population of israeli citizens who are against their government because the government is lying to their citizens just as much as they're lying to world.
but there is an image that the leading powers in israel want to paint to the world - the one they show in eurovision and any media presence (which they pour ungodly amounts of money into) - and it's of a very western, palatably white israel. i really would like you to know that when i refer to "israel" i refer only to the ruling powers that govern it - not the citizens that live there.
israel doesn't want you to see iraeli-born jews who are critical of their government and actually have been living peacefully alongside the muslim and christian population of the land for hundreds of years before the occupation. israel doesn't want to showcase that narrative, because that would show that actually the nation could've been peaceful and have equality for all it's people the whole time (because they've been doing it for HUNDREDS of years prior) and there was no reason to expel palestinians from their homes.
in eurovision, wants to show that israel has established this land and made it pristine and beautiful and countries should invest in this cosmopolitan utopia and new western culture that is so divorced from it's native people and it's history. palatable. marketable. clean. no war crimes here.
there's an unfortunate power imbalance in the world - and that's that some nations have the money and the power to curate and maintain a spotless public image - and other nations can't afford to keep the lights on in their hospitals.
i really love and appreciate you for coming into my inbox, anon. i think it's really brave and i really appreciate your voice and appreciate people like you. i know israel is a terrifying place to be right now - particularly for people who are critical of the government, you're under threat from both sides - you're distrusting of your own military, and there's the very real threat of hammas too. and i'm so, so sorry you're in that place and in that situation. and as someone who's born there, and your family being there for generations, the question of escape isn't as simple as settlers who can come and go freely. but i really, really hope you're safe and can stay safe. i'm so sorry your family went through all that you did, and that your family escaped one horror for another. this isn't the kind of world you should live in - and i'm praying that positive change will hold the israeli government accountable, and force them to prioritise their people.
not their "image", not how much power and money and land they hold. people. people - both israeli and palestinian, deserve to feel safe and heard and have a government that will protect them. it's the duty any power in the world should have to their people. and i feel like - if we deprive israel of their magical power to appear good and pristine and progressive palatable and clean of all blood in the eyes of the media - if we rob it of that, then they'll be forced to address these real problems within their government. they'll be forced to make amends. forced to apologise, and gain the world's favour again through real positive change.
i'm praying you're staying safe, anon. i really, really hope you and your family are safe. thank you so much for your message, and i'm sending you so much love from across the borders of the world.
#sci speaks#free palestine#i really appreciated this message anon and i love you so much#also i'm arab and (as the stereotypes perpetuate) prone to anger. (it's not true. i'm a lover.)#i don't talk about this a lot because i'm afraid of ensuing debate and also afraid to spread misinformation. i feel that's irresponsible.#i know that the only way to resolve conflict is being careful and considered and. not inflammatory.#but it's a lot that has been bubbling up inside me for a really long time.#and a sci will say something stupid at some point. inevitably. so a sci tries to say very little. unless it means something.
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do you remember what/when was your first exposure to lesbianism (women loving women in case u dont know what that means) (its like gay men but instead of being men theyre women, its pretty fun and cool)
LESBIANISM ???? WOMEN ??? owha ..... might havw to resesrch girls kissing later ...
i think my first exposure to lesbianism (like girls actually kissing) was this story on the game episode, and i clearly remeber that i was playing a story about love and it.had options to date men and women, or the bsecual option, "i dont knkw man, i jst like pizza" whoch mesnt bkth men and women, and i remeber thinkinv WOMEN ?????????? and i wnaed to press it ... i was so tempted to .. i was lime .. 10 ? 11 ? 9 ?? i dont remeber, 9-11 and i had mever in my lofe jesrd of lesbianism before (i did get callrd a lesbian beflre this because i was dsting my friend fri3nd on roblox by pretending to be a guy) but i was lime WOAH ??? 2OMEN KISSING WOMEN ?? but i was also like not going to pick women because to me thqt was new and odd, but i ddint want to pick men because i dodnt like men (shocker !!!) and so i picked the bisexual option (secretly i wantrd the women option but i woukd have felt too ashamed)
AND THE THERE WAS THE SCEBE WHERE THE GIRL CAME IN AND WE (ALSO.A.GIRL) BUMPED INTO HER !!! and she was pretty hot, badass girl qnd i woukd get teally excoted to talk to hrr everytime my character rejected her i was so angry i was begging for my characyer to plese just kiss her already, but the giy wlukd also show up wnd i hated him so much because he was a guy and i didnr want him, so id just skip it as fast as possible until the girl was there
after i had learned of this besutoful thing callrd lesbianism, i wljkd search up lesbian on episode to read more girl on girl stories. then i saw that fifty shades of gret pussy eating scene, and id sesrch up lesbian sex on episode
but lik3 my first .. like actual media of lesbianism woukd be yuri manga ? i remever the first one i watched and read was citrus, so that kind of has a special place in my hesrt even if its kind of weird because it was the firsr lesbian thing i had rver read or seen. i wpukd like go on some sketchy manga websotes and loom theoifh every single yuri manga and read them all like id write every simgke one down in a book ( i still have that book with all the yuri manga titles, its really filled up ! and i r3mebe4 all of them)
basically, my first exposre to lesbian media was when i was lime 9 or 10 from episode lesbian ! but i have always been a lesbian in my actions without even knlwing it ... i was literqlly like watching videos of women dancing on youtibe AND working out when i was 12 for quite a while because i woukd look st thr women and go "god, theyre so pretty, i need to be strong so that womej will love me and want me" and that was normal to me and i didnt think of mys3lf as lesbian
#i have probably told this stoey several times#but every time im probbaly messing th4 ages up#because i have terrible memory#everything t4om.th3 ages of 0-13 is a blur to me likr i knlw things happenedbut no idea when
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Elliot Stabler X Child Victim reader
Started March 1st - Finished March 5th
thought of this idea.
summary: A Little Girl comes to the station, the team find out she is a special victim and forms a bond with Elliot.
Third person pov...
The Team apart from Elliot were going through paperwork, Olivia sighs as she takes a break from writing and reading. Rubbing her eyes, she takes a sip of her now cold coffee.
They had just closed a case they had been chasing for a week straight. "Officer?" Came a childish voice from next to Olivia.
This made the woman look up, a smile on her face as she sees a child no older than 8, she had H/C hair and wide innocent E/C eyes.
"Hey there" she smiles at the girl, the
H/C child smiles back at her. "Hi!" She giggled, this made the others look over at Liv and the girl.
"Are you okay sweetie?" She asks the girl, the girl looks down a scared look on her face and shakes her head. Liv was worried.
"Why not sweetie did something happen?" She asks the girl, the H/C child looks back up at Liv tears in her E/C eyes, she nods her head.
Liv eyes Munch and Fin behind the girl. "Can you tell me what happened sweetie?" She asks gently, the girl holds her hands over her mouth.
Live face pales the worse comes to mind. "You can't tell me" the girl nods her head hands still covering her mouth.
Liv is soon explaining to the team and Cragen, Elliot had arrived after something to do with Kathy. "We dont know anything about this girl, do we even knkw her name?" Asks The Captain, Liv sighs and looks at the young girl in the child's interrogation room.
After the girl had told her something happend she closed up and didn't say anything else, they don't even know her name.
"Not a word, she closed up after talking to me"she explained, then she looks at her partner. "El why don't you try a crack at it, you have daughters?" She tells the man.
Elliot nods his head and walks to the room the girl was in, she was currently sitting at the table drawing with the crayons. The two detectives walk in together.
The girl looks up when they walk in, she smiles at liv recognising her as the woman she spoke to before. "Hey there, I'm Olivia. This is Elliot my partner" she tells the child.
"Hi" whsipers the girl, Elliot smiled at the girl and took a seat on the chair on the other side of the table, Liv stood by the wall. The girl went back to her drawing.
"Hey there, what's your name?" Asks Elliot, the H/C girl doesn't look up from her drawing. "Y/N" she says. Elliot and Liv look at each other, they are getting somewhere.
"Hi Y/N, My partner told me you came here for help right?" He asks Y/N, he watches as thr 8 year old flinches at the question.
"I didn't, I didn't say anything" She says quietly. Putting the crayon on the table "sweetie if your in trouble you need to tell us" Liv says gently. Y/N looks at her unshed tears in her eyes.
"No you can't help me" she cries, sobbing into her hands. Liv kneels next to the girl, as she got closer she saw a purple mark just below her neck, Y/N was wearing a shirt with a collar so it wasn't visible.
Eyes wide Liv looks to Elliot. "El" she motioned with her hand and the two stand up and wlaks away from Y/N to talk. "El she's got bruises"
The man stared at Olivia. "Shit, you thinkin' abuse?" Olivia nods her head,
Y/N had stopped sobbing loudly but hadn't stopped crying.
Elliot rubs a hand down his face. "Okay, you let Cragen know, search ti databases for any missing kids by her name see what comes up" Liv nods her head agreeing, once she left the room Elliot sat back down with Y/N.
"Your right" whispers Y/N, Elliot looks at her "what do you mean Y/N?" The girl lifts her head and looks at the man. "I need help" she cries leaning into him.
Cautiously Elliot wraps an arm around the young girls shoulders as she cried, eventually Y/N told him about her Mum how she was always drunk, she would never feed her and would beat her, how she let her horrible boyfriend touch her.
After his conversation with Y/N Elliot left the room to tell the team what he found out, by the end everyone was pissed off with what Y/N went through.
Suddenly the door slam open and in walks a woman with H/C hair and E/C eyes much like Y/N, straggling behind her was a tall skinny man.
"Hello! I'm here for my daughter" she exclaims, Olivia walks over to the two. "You must be Y/Ns Mother im Detective Benson" she says to her, Y/Ns Mum points a finger at Liv making her step back.
Elliots goes to intervene but stays back to watch. "You give her to me, that little liar. I bet she's been telling all sorts of lies about me and my boyfriend to you" she yells attracting attention from everyone.
Elliot looks at the woman yelling then back to the room Y/N was in. Confused he walks over to the woman. "You mean she's lied before" he asks her, the woman nods her head.
"Since my husband left 5 years ago she's started telling everyone and anyone a load of lies to get attention" she explains waving her hand, her skinny boyfriend nodding his head next to her.
Liv looks at Elliot they have a conversation with their eyes before Elliot leaves and Liv directs the worried woman to the table upstairs ro ask more questions.
Elliot walks back to the room where Y/N was sitting, the girl was staring out of the window playing with her sleeves, the man sighs before opening the door making the girl jump.
She smiles at the Detective as he walks in. "Hi Elliot everything okay" she asks seeing the look on his face. Frowning Elliot grabbed a chair and sat in front of the girl.
"Y/N, your mothers here to take you home-" panic appears in the girls eyes she begins shaking as he continues shaking her head at him Elliot continues.
"-she says that you've lied before, is that true?" Y/N shakes her head so quick Elliot grabbed her shoulders. Wrong move as she cried out is pain, Elliot quickly let go.
Sobbing Y/N curls in on herself. "I'm not lying! You have to believe me" she sobs to the man, Elliot doesn't know what to believe.
When silence greets her Y/N stands up Elliot goes to move but Y/N begins to pull up her sleeves showing off her arms to him. Elliot eyes widened at the bruises that marked her skin.
Tears rolling down her face she yanks up her trouser legs more bruises where on her skin. "I'm not lying! Please believe me. She tells everyone I lie so they won't help me" she sobs falling to her knees.
Elliot holds the girl in a hug as she clung onto the man tightly sobbing into his shirt.
After this new piece of information came out, Elliot and Olivia interrogated both Y/Ns Mother and her Boyfriend. After hours of interrogating they found out the truth.
The two where arrested for Child abuse and Molestation of a child they were sentenced for 20 years no chance of parole, The boyfriend got an extra 10 for molesting Y/N.
Once her Mother and Mother's boyfriend in jail Y/Ns was sent to live with her Father, who had been trying to get custody of Y/N fir years but was always turned down because of his exWife getting in the way.
After that Elliot got letters from Y/N thanking him and the team for their help and how happy she was to be with her Dad.
The end!
Hope you liked this oneshot, sorry for the wait. And sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes.
Requests are open!
Word count: 1405
#angst#elliot stabler#law and order svu#olivia benson#svu#elliot stabler x child reader#x child reader#tw abuse#happy ending
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6,7,13,16 for the ask game U CAN ANSWER PRIVATELY I JUST WANNA KNKW
THANK YOU LAB i think i can answer these publicly
6 (which ship fans are the most annoying?): i mean considering ive had the first image saved on my phone for years and i made the second one based on it months ago i feel like i couldnt possibly answer anything else
i dont even dislike sns itself but the way the fans act about hinata in particular makes me so genuinely angry.LOL like theyre so pissed naruto didnt marry sasuke that they invent a whole new narrative where hinata was always fully in control of the hyuuga clan and saw & treated neji like a slave and would happily brand one of her children with the caged bird seal. nevermind the fact that she was practically disowned and her own father told her teacher that she could die for all he cared, that she worked with neji to change the hyuuga clan all throughout the timeskip despite him almost killing her shortly before, and that they have canonically succeeded in making the branch family equals to the main one and that they do not use the seal anymore. like can you shut up about hinata if you dont even know that the only way to break the seal is by dying so shes not simply refusing to undo it and that they dont brand people who dont have the byakugan because the whole point of it is to protect the secrets of the byakugan so its not like boruto or himawari would ever be at risk of getting the seal since boruto doesnt have the byakugan. which btw doesnt make sense w the established hyuuga lore and neither does himawari awakening it since theyre supposed to be born with it and its the sharingan that people have to awaken but whatever. this is unrelated to sns fans im just annoyed that kishimoto forgot. ALSOOOO sns fans making post after post about how hinata forced this marriage on naruto, and that he is sooo unhappy in it that he GOTTA cheat on her with sasuke. WHY DO YOU ALL WANT HIM TO BE A CHEATER SO BAD go outside and mind your own business!!!!! ohhhh it annoys me !!!!!! sorry.
honestly the second one is more that theres a specific clique of fdkd fans that ive passionately hated since 2018 but like... if theyre the only fdkd fans i see then i can say i hate fdkd fans. but unlike sns i also happen to fucking hate the ship. LOL
7 (what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?): i think this one is a little hard to answer because im too stubborn to ever really let fandom make me hate a character for real? but people have definitely made me care WAYYY less about sasuke. sorry this is about naruto again and definitely related to the people from the question above but also as a taka fan i just kind of hate that most people talking about taka are sasuke fans and they tend to do it in a way where like. they dont like team7 so taka are their replacement and they dont acknowledge at all everything shitty sasuke did to them or even the circumstances of their getting together. like theyre not a team because sasuke likes them as opposed to team 7 they were just the most useful to him for his revenge against itachi... like it all just feels a little like sasuke fans only think of taka as sasukes accessories and dont really care abt them as characters really which has def lowered sasukes likeability ratings for me. LOLLLL but honestly when i read naruto i dont dislike him at all i quite enjoy everything abt him but when i log into tumblr and see a post hoo mama 💢💢💢
also i similarly quite enjoy reading kusuo in the saipsi manga but the way people talk about him on here makes me roll my eyes so hard sometimes. i like to be a hater w my friend privately sometimes cuz its funny LOL but its whatever idrc about him anyway
13 (worst blorboification): oh my god i dont think i can answer this one because i literally dont think i know what blorboification specifically means. i vaguely get it but i dont think i can confidently say anything unless someone gives me a clear definition 😭😭 sorry
16 (you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)): MAKING SAIPSI ANGST I DONT GET ITTTTTTT WHY ARE YOU READING A GAG MANGA TO GET SAD AND DEPRESSED I DONT GET ITTTTTTTTT
girlboss karin SHES A FAILGIRL evil imayoshi HES LITERALLY JUST A GOOFY LITTLE GUY AND GAY taka settling down in a village (especially konoha??) WHY??????? THEYRE WANTED CRIMINALS AND NONE OF THEM EVEN ARE FROM KONOHA THE 2ND VILLAGE WITH THE MOST REASONS TO WANT THEM DEAD poor little meow meow hanamiya ARE WE READING THE SAME MANGA sakura karin shipping ITS UNINTERESTING AND ENTIRELY BASED ON SASUKE EVEN WHEN YOU KICK HIM OUT OF THE LOVE TRIANGLE stripper aus ON SOME LEVEL I GET WHY (THE PORN I GUESS) BUT IM ALWAYS BAFFLED THAT THEYRE EVERYWHERE im out of breath
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this is gonna be a word salad bc tired. but. theres been those posts and polls about how ppl think like images sounds etc and also what the thinking voice in the head sounded like if they have one and like i do think in words or at least some times i know i do but its not a voice bc it doesnt have a voice like a sound like i cant hear my voice or anyother specific or non specific voice that narrates these thoughts but they feel like words. but when i have trouble speaking it feels connected to this like i can feel the words there but cant hear them and so i can t make the sound. but then theres also writing and you dont need the sound of a voice for that but its still hard its like for every word i put down there were a hundred words just out of my reach its not synced up. thats kind of the reason im word salading this now bc it can be easier when i m not trying too hard to actually have the words make sense except i want them to i dont like being misinterpreted. but back to the thouvhts its not like theres no sound in my brain i should clarify this theres sound like right now a song is playing while the words form in parallel but theres also words and phrases that get stuck in my head echolalia style and then those of course have sound because thats the whole thing. btw brain is playing a rondom4id mix rn hehe. umm but so. talking is hard writing is hard. this is why face to face communication can be easier bc i can just kind of hum something and hope the words i cant form are still understood from that like that one post that says i speak only in half sentences and leave the rest to telepathy or sth like that and of course it usually doesnt actually work but somehow this way im more likely to end up able to say the words i want in the end. whereas in text i will spend sonmuch time drafting s message jn my head that i might end up forgetting i didnt send it. once again leaving things to telepathy. turns out just vaguely thinkjng about people doesnt actually let them knkw youre thinking about them though. but thats kind of unrelated. ugh theres so much i dont quite understand about myself my self is the point. you might think this is a long ass post to write about beinf bad a words but consider also that ive spent sososo much time first thinking about it and trying to find the words to express thjs and then actually writing it even though im literally just throwing words out there rn and will not reread any of it to see if if makes sense
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" Journey to the Aru Valley" day 2
At around 4:30 am i went out of the Tent did wudu with the freezing cold water which to be honest didnt feel as cold then as i was mesmerized with the view and thinking of how beautiful it would be to pray Fajr at such a beautiful place. Anyway without further ado i started looking for a spot to pray but almost every part of the ground was wet so i just prayed next to the tent where the other guys i.e my friends were sleeping except tehseem since we two didnt really sleep or didnt want to as we were talking too much and also trying to disturb the other two (Namaan and mumin).
I finished praying and went in again to sleep for some while.
Almost it was 6 or 7 maybe sun had come up, ears blocked due to the sound of water which also was like a white noise but kinda loud tho. The View was outstanding it was like a bliss truly. The mou tains the sun the reflect on the water right in front of the tent ( we had set the tent literally inches away from the stream). We all couldnt help but stand mesmerized at the view. The fresh air git us all energised and then we started to get ready fkr the next adventure but first was definetetly some tea.
Leaving the camping spot and with kur things we decided to a place Called Aru valley. A place further ahead of pahalgam with beautiful mountains a very famous tourist spot too.
The drive there was breathtaking in itself driving throught the montains. 4 friends enjoying making the best of every moment.finalky we reached the destination. We went and first thing was to eat some biryani bybthe stream then of course it was time for dhuhr We all prayed and set for a hike with a football, yea a football! Since we love football suiiii! Nevermind. But first we had made a bet by the stream to see if we can cross it or not. I DID tho had to suffer a bit since all my clothes git wet and i hadt brought extras so nontheless i enjoyed it a lot.
Moving on, Just as we were hiking we decided to play skme football and to add to our joy it started raining, normally i wouldnt care about the rain but since all my clothes were already wet i didnt eant ro add to the suffering and so i was a bit distracted but we carried on anyway toll it started raining very heavy. Got in a hut like thing (dont know what thats called) played a bit more there or tbh almost broke it. Again we took a moment to appreciate the scenery it was still raining a bit and that made it even more awe inspiring.
We came back got in the car and left for pahalgam again for the last day bit little did we knkw that we were gonna be stuck in the traffic for 4 hours.
Somehow we made it. NOW Time to eat , we found a restaurant ate some daal n all and went to camp again, we decided to go to the spot we set camp the first day and to our surprise everyone there had left. THIS TIME IT WAS JUST US.
Realising it was our last night probably in pahalgam we went to sleep to Enjoy the next day as soon as we can.
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Social interaction isn't in my DNA apparently. Prety much all my social interactions fizzle out or I say the wrong thing which sends people away or I overreact and cut people off bc I'm scared they might hurt me and I got a signal that seemed to set off alarms in my intuition....
Not having real friends as a kid stunted my social development so I am woefully far behind. Even if I didn't have something wrong with me that makes positive meaningful social interaction possible. I don't get things other people say. I don't get the rhythm of the culture. I don't get rhythm at all, which is why I can't dance and can't swim. My coordination is off, which is why I can't do sports and it took me 51/2 car accidents for me to learn how to drive enough so I don't have car accidents. The one real friend, i.e. best friend I had I only saw 1 time a year. And she drifted away as she got too old to play imaginary horse games, as she was 2 years older. It's not like i lacked for social interaction. The neighbor girl came over almost every day but I dreaded when she came over bc she was bossy. She never wanted to play the kind of things I did and I didn't have much fun. Yet i called her a friend bc ... that's all I had. The other neighbor girls were more my sisters' age. I suppose I had friends at 4-H but that was later. I doubt they would call me friend, it was just that we talked sometimes. Which felt like a lot to me lol. Youth group (as a teen again really...) was a horror, everyone was boisterous public schoolers who ignored me, looked down on me. Another "friend" I suspect only asked me over bc her mom wanted her to. I don't think I talked much, I was too scared.. what an idiot. What a fun person to have over. 🔫 I remember laughing at veggie tales but just bc she and her other friends were laughing. I might have laughed myself but I was too tense to actually have an authentic reaction
I don't get people. They don't get me. I do not want to absorb into overall society, which as an outsider I see as mostly inane and stupid, I always see better alternatives. To the drinking and hookup culture, to the caffeine and work yourself to death culture, etc. I'm mostly suited to being alone. As an introvert I don't mind it and barely notice it most of the time. I don't get bored; I can occupy myself. I can go long periods without even talking to family and have just animals as company (who I seem to get better). I do like being with family and it's really the closest thing to natural interaction I have, I have fun with the cousins but ... don't get close bc I'm the oldest. They're closer to each other and of course they have lives and I'm just a tiny part of their lives whereas they're an important part of my social life bc I don't have one to speak of outside of family ... I like being w my immediate family but now my sisters are often busy w their own families and new houses and successful jobs.... I just have mom and dad mostly. Who I rely on.
I need people to survive, need to be at least competent socially, which I'm not. So I'm always on the outside looking in... was unable to get a regular job.. and when I did get a small part time job I was slower than the others, my coordination and reaction time and ability to multitask is much below average so ppl wonder what's wrong w me. I get out of those inane jobs asap. .. I don't want to absorb into mainstream society , even if it were possible lolll, but I do want a deep connection with perhaps 1 or 2 people. I have never had that with anyone. I hardly know what it is... but over the years I got a sense that something was missing. Other ppl have deep relationships where people understand ans support them, know them deeply and their secrets and failings and still love and accept them... who share the same interests and like hanging out with them... a friend, I suppose. For me it's just been people I talk to, people I enjoy talking to but go their separate ways after the event is done. Acquaintances I suppose. Just a few times did they want to hang out with me outside the group.... and probably regretted it bc they didn't ask me back more than a few times.
I don't have the social gene. Awkward and that's not changing. It's been too long without, I've had too little practice compared to everyone else... even if I did have practice I would still be an awkward thing on the edge of everyone's groups. . Bc there is somethig wrong w me. It's why I didn't interact --bc it was horrible. Awkward and fizzled out with people wanting to get away from me asap.... I'm not made for this world. But I would like to think there is at least someone out there I would click with.... who would be a kindred spirit. Hm. Doubt it. I broke the mold.... and not a particular interesting mold. My existence would be forgivable if I were at least interesting. Someone might want to associate w me then.
If someone were a kindred spirit w me they would probably not want to advertise it and might b already gone
#me#introvert#ok#shoikd prob b under the cut#but whatever#no illusions#even my business ideas...#i would have to be socially competent#i dont want to rely on my parents my whole life#but its almost impossible to break free#no one gets it#who would want to associate w this#ppl online just see my posts#reblogs#and this#hey dont know me#bc EVEN ONLINE MY INTERACTIONS ARE AWKARD#AndI dont knkw how to even starta conversation#if i chime in#ppl are like what are u talking about#im not relatable.#dad isnt social butterfly#but even he had real friends#he came to me whn i was 16 concerned i was always alone#wanted me to be moree social#that interaction was mortifying#didnt work lol#too latr even if it were possible#i need to at least survive... at mid 30s um.#i want a place of my own .... carve out a place and purpose but.
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Wish I was different. Wish many things were different but most of all wish I was different
#miranda talking shit#negative#Imagine feeling fulfillment more than three times per year#You might think im over exaggerate here but like... No#spend 1-3 hours cleaning up the apartment and in the end i feel no achievement or sense of accomplishment#Im just sweaty and frustrated#I really do not know why im still trying like ... The most powerful and most intense thing one can basically feel as a human#Is an orgasw and like its supposed to give off feel good emotions or whatever but ive spent like three years almost twice per week keeping#This up and trying to make it an habit and like. ... I can recall one which was close to being that 'woah/amazing' feeling that everyone#Describe .... The rest is just .... Like ... Im getting over the edge but theres no wow... Its just ... 'i guess this feels good' for onesec#And then its just over like... Oh wow glad i spent over an hour on this and im all sweaty now haha...#I know its not the destination but the journey but when the journey is just time consuming and overly complicated its like...#Haha... What now?#Meanwhile like every mental health person ive talked to being convinced ill 'be fine' and 'be out of here without help soon' like.... Uh...#Lol nothing is fulfilling and thats something important to have in life to even want to live it#And i know im a broken reCord about this like i knkw no one wants to hear it its annoging and ive said it so many times#Get over it already stop being so dramatic but like... What i wouldn't give to feel happiness or even some sort of RELIF in life?#People see me and cant understand why im so tired or sad or whatever because im not doing anything ...#Like... I dont feel refreshed. Last time i felt refreshed was in like 2011. Theres no way for me to feel good#Or rested or something . No reset button. I cant work out and relive some streess or finish something and feel good im just ... I got nothin#My stress doesnt go away. I can put it on pause but its not gone. It doesnt feel like ive 'cleared' my mind or anything#I can just ignore it for top an hour and then its right back like it never left#Cant even be happy about my sleep because I never feel its 'good' sleep . Nightmares almost every night and i wake up exhausted#At least its an healthier coping mechanism than selfharm (: speaking of#I am so close to picking it up again and its scary but also such a comforting idea. Nothing else that can get my mind so blank and away from#All the shit in my head. Havent done it in what... 5-6 years ? And i dont think i ever had an releapse once i stopped#Because the last time i did it i did it too deeply and almost got found out#But now? Who can catch me? Who can try to care? I meam i guess my home help but they have an non disclosure agreement#Cant say if it works for selfrm but i mean... As long as its not suicide threats or such im sure they cant do much#self harm
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I can’t stress this enough but if you work with kids (or even if you’re just talking to a kid) do not make fun of their interests. Especially if it’s a boy taking interest in “feminine” things !!!!!!!
#feminine is in brackets bc im sure u guys knkw what i mean but its dumb to label interests as feminine and masculine#omg sorry not brackets lmao quotation marks***#i cant count how many little boys ive talked to about ‘girly’ things they like#and then seen their parents come pick them up and tell them ‘boys dont cry. do u wanna look like a girl?’#even if its just a side comment they make#like ‘one time i wore my moms nail polish’#compliment them! ask them about it!!#dont make fun of them.#h rambles
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if pomni and ragatha were to do like an aquarium date how do you think both of them would react?? i think pomni would probably be obsessed with like the sharks or like jellyfish or something and idk how ragatha would react tbh but i need your answer for this very important ragapom question
so glad you have come to me for this very important question i hope my answrr will be satisfactory ❤️
i thinm ragatha would kind of just walk around with pomni and admire the sifferent types of fishes i dontknkw but i feel like she would be the one more into animals ? like shed get alll excited to see them becaude she just likes nature and animals in general she seems to me like someone who appreciates and loves animals !!! she would have a blast at an aquariuk she would love to get close to them like that
i think she also knkws a lot of stuff about animals because she watches animal documentaries as background noise when she does stuff, so she would know so much about the little aquarium fishes but she wouldnt talk about it because she doesnt want to feel like shes talking too much
pomni just kind of goes wherever ragatha goes because she doesnt really care much for the aqaurium ? i dont see her as much of a fan of that stuff but !!! she would see how excited ragatha is (even if shes trying to hide it) and she woulf ask questions about all the fishes and shark and everything that they see ("oh, whats this type of shark ? what do they eat ??" kind of stuff) at first theyd be questions just for ragatha but aftrr a few she would be genuinly interested and just ask out of curiousity
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Hey did you know that in japan you have to be 20 years old to be a adult there so in the japan version when maya was 18 she was still a teenager and so are pearls and athena right now I’m not saying this because I’m a nick x maya hater i think it’s cute but would be fine with them staying as friends I’m just asking ya if you know
what?
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So here’s a thing that maybe someone will have an answer to because google is not helping.
I have audio hallucinations, they started ~3 years ago. Some are very obviously connected to my PTSD via audio flashbacks, but these others are not. They are benign overall, never any full speech. The thing is they are all things I’ve recently heard (recently as in within the past ~month), which seems like a stand out point.
So when I worked at a daycare, sounds of babies crying or laughing, the specific squeak of the cribs rocking, those sounds became more prevalent in my audio hallucinations. At my old house, the front porch had a fence that squeaked when it was windy and I would hear that squeak at random times, and our neighbors would slam doors and I would hear that at random times. I’ve since moved and I know longer hear either of those sounds. Recently we had multiple tornado sirens and the the fire alarms in my building go off and now I’m hearing those sounds.
They aren’t incredibly disruptive? They definitely can startle me, especially at night and they can increase my anxiety and trigger my PTSD but the longer I have a noise in this audio hallucination repotoire, the more used to it I get.
I talked to my psychologist about it and she really didn’t have much to say and as it wasn’t disrupting my life, other matters were more pressing. I have had at least two full physical work ups since these started and nothing odd was ever found. Schizophrenic and similar disorders have been discussed but nothing fits.
These are the only hallucinations I’ve ever had and while they feel real enough to make me jump in the middle of the night, it’s fairly easy for me to distinguish between them, audio flashbacks, and actual noises.
Does anyone else experience this? Is there a name for this phenomenon? I’m not looking to be diagnosed obviously but just a direction I can research I would be helpful.
#audio hallucinations#hallucinations#i dont even knkw what to tag this as this is just yelling into the void with a vague hope#its also not related to my DID because even if my brain gets confused and it sounds like a system mate is talking to me outside my head#its a distinct voice and also it never startles me and i know what it is#like is this a side effect of PTSD that ive never heard of?#i know trauma can fuck up your ability to process and store memory#but replaying sounds i heard recently is not something ive ever read about
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cishets are so afraid of sns it's so funny someone called sns overrated and said it's a bad ship cuz they're married to women like bruv 1: naruhina is the most BLAND canon relationship and hinatas whole character just has much deep rooted misogyny and same with nh it makes it completely unenjoyable 2: SASUKE DOESNT EVEN LIKE LIVE WITH SAKURA OR HIS DAUGHTER HE SAYS HI LIKE NEVER THEN LEAVES AGAIN THEYVE NEVER EVEN SHOWN A CANON KISS BETWEEN THEM and same with sakura how some of her character is just built on some deep rooted misogyny from kishi and ss and nh get like no development or it's just shitty and rushed like.... god if ur argument is "they're canonly married to women so they're straight" just say u hate gay ppl or dont like it when we have fun lol
#my post#yall dont even knkw what im talking about whatever i can rant on tumblr#also like... the whole story is about naruto and sasukes relationship... it's literally about them#theyre canonly soulmates.. make each other the happiest understand each other more than anyone else.. literally all canon things they said..
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>://
#zip it jae#why why why why why why#why am i so put off by this????#theyre literally all fandoms ive loved for years#but i see like any content about them or anyone talk about them and i want to rip my skin off and hide#and like its getting to the point where the only option left is block/unfollow a few people but like??#i REALLY dont want to#bc i love them all even if i havent talked to some of them in a while#but every time i see that content i want to d i e#plus 90% of the time its not even tagged so whats the fucking point yknow??#adghkgdsrsrfuguar ://#like i can kinda trick myself into a reasonable place but it takes A LOT of energy#like 'oh you like this stuff! even if you dont like this in particular its harmless and theres no reason to be uncomfortable about it :)'#but just!!!! Djdnskenskamfm#thats so much effort and energy and i dont even knkw WHY this is happening >:pp#fjanrjskfjka#vent tw
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