listen, listen

i am the little autism creature

and when i see hate about my hyperfixations that i've had since i was 12 (marvel, harry potter) on my dash, i simply wish to shrivel up and die. i cannot get rid of them, i have tried

and yes, i am aware jk is horrible. i do not like her, i do still love the books (wow, separating art from artist, what a concept). yes, i am capable of seeing the flaws in marvel. but they bring me immense joy.

blocking tags does not work

i am not asking people to tailor their posts around me but does anyone have any coping advice for this kinda thing?? i am literally so lost and just know that it hurts a lot

Do you think katara playing with her hair when zuko sit next to her in EIP was ship baiting or was random

Wow I never really payed attention to that moment. I think she actually looks unbothered, like she doesn’t care who sits next to her. She doesn't look flushed or anything. That’s not the way Katara plays with her hair when she’s nervous (Like in the Headband). I feel like Zuko sits next to her to setup Aang’s jealousy over the moment between the actors. Just sets up his insecurity more.

I know ATLA is a show that deals with a lot of mature topics but at the end of the day, it’s still a kids show on Nickelodeon. It knows exactly how to show when someone is romantically interested in another character - blushing. And neither Katara or Zuko blush when they’re next to each other, that’s why I don’t think the show ever baited them. Maybe the writers did, I was too young to follow all the lore outside of the show as it was airing. Maybe they did interviews or something, I’m not sure how the writers baited them exactly, I never really followed all that noise surrounding the shipping discourse before. But I know the show's narrative never showed Katara show romantic interest in any boy other than Aang and Jet. You can interpret a fews scenes however you like but if you post things like that to pass them off as canon, be prepared that people will disagree with you, because some things are just not open to interpretations, some things the show is just literally spelling out for you.

The show itself never shows Katara have interest in Zuko. Or the other way around. Say you don't agree with certain writing choices and create your own head canons, all power to you. Just don’t try to present certain moments as something they’re not just to fit your interests.

Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.

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i never wanted to be an artist, yes i loved watching cartoons but i wouldn't care for the style, i would even roll my eyes when an anime would come up and i would sleep in the art class, i would count the second to pass the time in it

i never wanted to be an artist, i wanted to be a writer but i'm a failure at convening my thoughts and i can't think too deeply into things

i never wanted to be an artist, not until when my parents would only talk about my brother academic grades and never mention me in the conversation, not until when there was this boy who i respected doodled something so good Infront of me and the idea of someone being better than me in anything pissed me off so much

i never wanted to be an artist, i only wanted to be special (i didn't want to be forgotten in the background)

i never wanted to be an artist, i never liked drawing anyway i even dropped it after some kids made fun of my early drawings but i didn't have any friends i had nothing to do in my free time so i had picked drawing again

i never wanted to be an artist, but i already wasted 7 years on it i can't go back

i never wanted to be an artist, but it became like a ritual i would draw everyday and it would calm my nerves

i never wanted to be an artist, i can't remember any hatred i had towards art now i can't even imagine myself not drawing ever it became a part of me

i never wanted to be an artist, but i don't want to stop drawing

i hate you people who treat mental illness as something scary i hate you people who act like every asylum is haunted i hate you people who stick their nose into mentally ill people’s lives and creation i hate you people who treat the mentally ill as less human i hate you people who treat the mentally ill as specimen to be watched or a form of entertainment or horror i hate you ableists i hate you

woooo boy. so – i'm doing a little lost season one character recap just to kind of find my footing and determine how i feel about these characters on this latest rewatch. which, also, i think this is my 12th rewatch? that's crazy. anyway, i'm going to go through the list of the characters and kind of talk about how i feel, how my views have differed from my previous watch, etc. warning for opinions 😔 but these will be in no particular order! this will also be under a cut bc it's gonna get long lol !!

jack – the only thing i really want to do right here is rant about how much i dislike this character, how he puts a bad taste in my mouth, how he can be a truly terrible doctor and how his stubbornness and judgement lead to awful, terrible decisions. but i'm not going to completely bash this character, no matter how much i'd like to. despite this, there's no easy way to say it, but i just don't like jack. i think he can be a good guy, and i think there are aspects to him that make him an interesting character, but in season one – for me – his flaws completely outweigh his positives. there is just something about him that makes me so frustrated. i genuinely think it's his attitude, that is, his constant belief that his way is the right way. and i'm always here for a frustrating character, i enjoy someone with flaws, but jack's simply ... fall flat, for me. maybe it's because he's meant to be our main character, and he just has zero charisma in my eyes. i think there are so many other characters that draw me in. jack is just there. and usually he's doing something to piss me off, but not in the fun way, in the “i really fucking hate you” way. and i truly do not like that he refuses to help people sometimes ( sawyer ), or that he brushes them off for being annoying ( sullivan ), or brushes them off because he thinks he's always right ( such as with claire's nightmares ). it puts a bad taste in my mouth fr !!! even him punishing kate for not telling him what she did, when he's the one who told her that he didn't care? make up your fucking mind buddy.

but of course, jack can be a compassionate person. and he does feel guilt for the things he does – like with claire's kidnapping – and i'm glad for that. maybe too much guilt sometimes, but i'm not gonna fault him for that because i always love seeing that in a character. him watching sayid torture sawyer and realizing that this is a bad thing we're doing here – i liked that. it was a bad call. and i truly adore the flashback where he turns his father in for drinking, because i cannot even imagine how difficult that would be, and the betrayal on christian's face ( and the pain on jack's ) is honestly hard to watch. and when sawyer tells jack about meeting christian, and how proud he was of jack, i do find myself tearing up every time lol. it just really kills me. anyway, i'm hoping to god that i like him more in season two because jack isn't a character i want to feel this frustrated with. i don't want to dislike him! i never want to look at a character and say “i hate them please get them off my screen” but that's usually how i feel about jack. and i don't know if it's the writing, or the acting, or jack himself – there's just something about his character i don't like. either way, i'm hoping for better things from him in season two.

kate – oh kate ... perhaps my second least favorite character in this show, right behind jack. i want to like her so badly but there's also something about her that frustrates the hell out of me. i think her infatuation with jack – for no reason, might i add – is annoying. and i hate their chemistry, because there is none. seriously, kate works better with sawyer, works better with sun, than with jack. though i will admit, i really like the plot twist of kate being the prisoner, and i do think it's interesting how much compassion she has for people, even the u.s. marshal, but something about her also unfortunately falls flat for me. she's just not all that intriguing in my eyes, and i really wish she was. i do like she and sayid's friendship, i think it's cute, and i think kate is far more interesting in sawyer's scenes. but i think i'd like her even more if she wasn't soooo heavily paired with a man, always. not even romantically, but i just mean, she's always in scenes with a guy! she always wants a dude's help! like, give her something to do on her own. but, truly, i have nothing more to say about kate, and i may never have more to say on her lol. i don't remember being super impressed with her in season two, but it's been a bit since i watched all of that season, so we'll see!

michael – truly, i do not have any words for why michael would be my favorite character in this season. he's frustrating, quick to blame, doesn't always make the best decisions when it comes to walt ... but that is what makes him so damn intriguing to me. i think it's his relationship with walt that really kills me. it's like, he's this character who wanted to be a father so badly but was never really able to be one. he fought tooth and nail to be able to be walt's dad and it just didn't matter. and then susan dies, brian comes by, and michael's reunited with walt. and he has to figure out how to raise his kid ( who isn't really his kid anymore ) and honor susan and brian at the same time. it's such an insanely devastating situation that i can hardly stand it. people misconstrue michael's intensions so much – like when they say he hates being a father. but i don't think that's true. he just doesn't know how to be one. he was never given the chance to! michael definitely has a bit of a hair-trigger temper, but i genuinely do think it's because of walt – most of the time. and also, michael and jin's friendship after everything that happened between them?? i love it so much. anyway, michael stays being one of my favorite characters in this season, and there's not a scene with him that goes by i don't enjoy. his centric episode nearly destroyed me this watch and i don't think i'm ready for the next one, which i know is coming soon. overall, i just really enjoy how michael has such this surface level look about him, then you look deeper and see who he truly is, what his motivations are, his regrets. he's just a really great character in my eyes. also, i'm not going to talk about walt on his own, just know i adore walt and i wrote a fic about him! so, he's def a fav of mine.

locke – i'm gonna be honest! locke has always been a favorite of mine, i absolutely love his flashbacks and i think he's so much fun to watch on screen. terry o'quinn really carries here, and i'm excited because i know just how great future locke scenes are. but, how do i feel about him in season one? well, i found myself ... being a little more on the bitter side with him! i think i formed an attachment to boone and to witness what leads to his death really hurts. and when locke brings him back and lies about what happened, causing jack to misdiagnose the problem – well, it really sucks to see. and i know boone was supposed to die, but that doesn't change the fact that if i was on that island, i'd be pissed at locke for this. aside from that, i really like his belief in the island and those intertwining themes of fate and destiny ... he just brings something that the show really needs. i will never get over this man having been in a wheelchair and walkabout still makes me cry to this day. and being conned out of a kidney? phewwww that's a tough one for me to watch. i love the scene where locke bangs on the hatch and the light beams up – it's so great. but, boone's death really hurt my opinion of locke in season one, but i'm sure this'll improve with time ( until season 4 🙄 ). anyway, the ending of this season really teases the jack and locke dynamic – man of science and man of faith ... they're so fun to watch and i can't wait to see them interact more in s2. but locke in season one is great, up until the moment he isn't. but he grew on me in the finale. his acting is so good i can't not like him, lol.

sayid – well, i suppose i might as well get it over with. so, i've never been much of a sayid stan ... i try, let me tell you, but the feeling just never comes. my opinion of him has been pretty consistent throughout my time watching this show, but i think he's mostly good in season one. and i'm not saying he's a bad character or anything, i simply find his flashbacks to be boring and i have no attachment to nadia as a whole. and i think that him torturing sawyer was awful! but obviously i'm not really here to judge characters based on how terrible of people they are ( look at my fav ... ), obviously these characters have flaws and are not always great people. my “meh” feeling toward him more so has to do with the fact that he falls a little flat, too. at least for me, he does. and i know people love him! i've just never felt much of a connection to him, and i'm not sure i ever will. let's just say, i don't watch this show for him.

charlie – charlie is definitely one of the highlights of this season. drug addict characters always, always draw me in, and i think his personality is just so great. he's definitely on the funnier side, but then we get to his backstory and you see just how fucked up things got for him! i love that he goes to the cockpit only to find his drugs – and i love seeing his notion that he's a coward, that really gets swept away come episode seven. i know, i know. people don't like the moth metaphor. but i've always had a soft spot for it, and i think the combination of acting and writing really brings that scene to life. i adore charlie and claire's relationship and they're just ): so cute. so when they get kidnapped ?!? god damn that angst is so juicy. but anyway, i've always been a fan of charlie's character and that hasn't changed one bit. i can't really remember how prevalent he is in s2 ( aside from fire + water ) but i very much look forward to seeing more of him and what he gets up to. i feel like i have less to say here bc ... idk! he's just a silly guy! i like him a lot, always have, and i don't see that ever changing.

claire – you know, i've never had much of an opinion on claire. she's always kind of just ... been there for me. however, i think because elsie likes her so much, it's really improved my view of her. claire is just so sweet and i can't imagine the terror of being pregnant on a fucking deserted island. she handles it much better than i would've, lol. but her pain and fear is definitely hard to see, and made even more difficult because of jack not believing her 🙄 which, of course. but i really like the ethan plotline and i like the little seeds they plant for s2 – such as showing that small flashback between rousseau and claire in the finale. we still don't know what happened to her! i will admit, i don't have a whole lot more to say here, but i think she's a fun character and i like the stuff they play with concerning the psychic. that's really all!

sawyer – sawyer!!! this man has always been one of my favorite characters and he's forever managed to crack me up... i just think he's hilarious, definitely one of the funniest characters on the show. even in the pilot, when kate asks where the polar bear came from and he says, "probably bear village, how the hell do i know?" i laugh every time. ANYWAY! i definitely thought sawyer was going to be more of an acquired taste this season, which, he is, but he really shines pretty early on. i expected to hate confidence man more, because i've never really liked that episode when watching alone, but it turns out i ... really enjoyed it this time around? i thought it was the perfect blend of realistic and horrific and it was a great way to stir up tension, especially between sawyer and sayid. everyone always assumes the worst of sawyer and they truly don't even bother asking him – they just blame him, which makes him mad ( as it would anyone ), and then he acts like an asshole in turn. he's backed into a corner and it's kind of fascinating to watch and see what he does, how he reacts, etc. and maybe i'm crazy, but i don't see having your own supplies as a ... necessarily bad thing? so many characters accuse him of looting from the dead, but it's not like he's the only one that's done that. and we're shown that in truly life threatening situations ( such as boone ) he's quick to help. i also love his relationship with michael and, by extension, jin, and him being a part of the raft is just so fun. truly, i think sawyer is just so interesting, and i'm very excited to see more of him in season two.

boone – ohhhhh boone. this man is someone i've always had a love / hate relationship with, but at the end of the day, he won my heart over. he's always been someone that wants to help sooo badly ( such as trying to give rose cpr ) and even if that doesn't exactly pan out, he still cares to try. his relationship with shannon is .... odd, to say the least, but i do enjoy most of their interactions. i think boone definitely projects his feelings on to shannon, like calling her useless and worthless, which is probably why he tries to help out as much as he does. and when he and locke find the hatch, this kind of gives him a new purpose, and so does locke. so it's devastating to see boone be convinced to follow locke out to this plane, and you can see that the only thing he wants to do is help. it just!! pains something deep inside of me. even when he's in the plane, it falls because he's trying to get everyone rescued – and i think that's how he deserves to be remembered. i do think his death hits so hard, and while the episode definitely prepares you for it, it's not easy to watch it play out. i love the scene where locke sees boone in his dream, when he's talking about his babysitter, and you see the flashes of him covered in blood. it's really trippy and foreboding and just ... so well done! i love the idea that boone's death majorly effects everything and everyone, not only in this season but in the seasons that follow, and it's nice that the show never forgets about him. i just really like his character and, though i'm sad to see him go, i know it's necessary.

shannon – surprisingly? shannon was one of the most enjoyable characters on this rewatch for me. i never thought much of her before, felt like she was a little annoying, but i genuinely liked her this season and i thought she was hilarious. i'm a little disappointed we didn't get a shannon flashback, but i know we will in season two, so i look forward to that. her grief for boone really fucking pains me and when walt gives vincent to her ... man. that scene hurts. i don't love she and sayid's relationship, to be completely honest, but i really like the scene where she tells him off for getting frustrated with her about the map. i still have mixed feelings about her going after locke after boone's death, but maybe it'll make more sense to me on another rewatch lol. anyway! not too much to say about her, except i enjoyed her presence ( a lot ) and that was a little surprising for me.

sun & jin – i'm combining these two into one, not only because i think they're important to talk about together, but also because i'm feeling a little lazy. anywho, i think it's really fun how the show makes jin out to be a pretty awful guy, but once you see his backstory – see his motivations, his fears – it starts to make a lot of sense. it's funny because jin is definitely one of my favorite characters, but it's pretty hard to like him at first. so i really enjoy his development in the first season, and his friendship with michael is really sweet. as for sun, i do like her! she's another character that's always just been kind of there, but i enjoyed her a lot more on this rewatch. her goodbye to jin before the raft leaves absolutely gutted me. the acting there was phenomenal. and i think it's really special we got these two characters because yunjin kim was so impressive when they were casting. it's upsetting to see these two characters who don't speak english, who are pretty much completely isolated because of this language barrier, but then sun speaks english?! the little twist there is just so great. her weird relationship with michael also isn't my favorite thing. i just really love sun and jin's relationship and how much it develops – they're probably my favorite couple on this show, tbh. and i know kate was behind a lot of the poisoning jin thing, but when jack tells sun he knows it was her, and she says, "are you going to tell the others?" that just BROKE me!! the fear and pain in her voice. ugh. she just wanted to keep him safe and off the raft. also, jin's dad is so sweet and i really love that scene between them in the flashback. and when sun is about to leave jin at the airport and he shows her the flower – god, that makes me cry every time. like full on sobbing. it's so good and their acting and chemistry is just amazing. anyway, i don't have too much more to say on them, but i adore sun and jin so much!!! definitely one of the highlights of this season.

hurley – i feel like it's a little hard for me to say much on hurley, mostly because we don't get toooo much development with him this season. like, we get one flashback but that's really it! so i'm excited to see more of him in season two for sure. but anyway, he's one of the funniest characters on this show and i love his interactions with literally everyone. and there is not one scene with him that i don't like. the numbers are probably my favorite part of this show, and i love his flashback about the curse and winning the lottery and all that. it's just great. and for rousseau to be the one person who tells him that maybe there is a curse? and that she doesn't dismiss what he's saying? it's so euphoric for him, and i love seeing it every time. hurley's friendship with charlie is also great – i just love those two. his flashbacks, alongside locke's, have always been my favorites and i just ... wanna see more of his character and past! he's just such a memorable character, and one of the first i think of when i reminisce about this show.

honorable mentions :

ethan – scary as fuck. this guy has always creeped me out, and the fact that he's tom cruise's cousin will never not be hilarious to me. he definitely scared the shit out of me as a kid and even still gives me the creeps. it's hilarious that the characters, especially charlie, start referring to him as a "what" rather than a "who." i love it. death was deserved, this man wouldn't have said shit.

sullivan – we were just calling him john lennon because we didn't know his name. his rash was a little concerning and jack brushing him off was annoying to me. and when he comes to the golf course and says "can i play?" i just love that scene. where did sullivan go ... 😔

scott & steve – i don't really know the difference between them, but rip scott. he deserved better.

arzt – probably one of my favorite side characters. he's so funny to me, and when he gets blown up i just ... bust out laughing every time. cannot wait to see this idiot again in s3 and s6.

Me, sewing (blowing off going out to restock my safe food cabinet in favour of chillin out and reading books): haha yes

Me, reaping (having the entire trajectory of my day destroyed because I can't get over the first hurdle of eating food): fuck

A thing I think about a lot, even not knowing much about LB6, is Oberon-Vortigern. I know his story more or less, and I've seen a lot of meta posts, and I know he's going to crush me into mushy feelings paste when I get to meet him. But like.

Listen. One of my first and most formative Arthuriana experiences was Jane Yolen's Merlin and the Dragons. If you don't know it, it's a retelling of the story of Merlin (well, Emrys) and Vortigern and the two dragons beneath the tower. Like that was the first real taste of Arthurian stories I had and it sticks to me hard. I've always been so excited whenever I see Vortigern in ANYTHING, like the Guy Ritchie Arthur movie more like one of my FAVORITES because LOOK ITS MY BOY. Vortigern and the dragons is literally my favorite Arthurian myth.

And so obviously, when I found out about Oberon-Vortigern, I absolutely lost my mind.

I know a lot of people love exploring the Oberon aspects, the Titania thing and all that, but for me I just want to sit here rolling around and thinking about PHH Vortigern, about what LB Vortigern could have been if he hadn't been affected, about, if you could fix his Spirit Origin — if PHH Vortigern had a similar problem; it says one thing in the Garden of Avalon novel and another in FGO according to the wiki but I can't help but think that a conceptual being so tied to the planet like Vortigern (aka a piece of Albion) would have suffered a lot being bound to a human shape and soul. Like it says how shitty Faerie Eyes can be for humans, if he had them, that would have been awful. It says it almost drove Castoria crazy, oof. There's got to be some parallels somewhere with Melusine, too.

IDK, I’m just...fascinated by his Vortigern aspect, I want to play with it so much, I’ve worked on a ton of PHH Vortigern headcanons -- did he meet little Artoria at all before she went to Ector? Did he meet Morgan as a child? How did he get on with Uther? Most importantly, Merlin. Merlin Merlin how did he meet him, what was their relationship, what happened between them, did PHH Vortigern impart any of his personality or quirks to Merlin, was he a brat too or was he more like Oberon-Vortigern once he drops the act, or was he somewhere in the middle? And what was his descent into madness and the black knight/dragon Artoria fought like, was it all at once, was it gradual, what was the point of no return?

And like I said, like, could PHH Vortigern ever be a Servant? Could there be a version of him ‘uncorrupted’ by either the Oberon Spirit Origin or whatever drove him mad in PHH? (I might have an idea for a Ruler class Vortigern (True) Servant oops) Just. Vortigern!!! So fascinating. I love him. I’m gonna love him more when I meet him.

Maybe I will get top surgery purely to avoid dealing with mammogram appointments in whatever state the NHS is in by the time I reach the age to get them!!

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one day i will be strong enough to actually say how i feel

to play genshin or not to...

Rant in the tags pls ignore me. Or don't. You do what you want to.

i hate the days when i desperately want to write but nothing i like comes out of my attempts at writing :( (side note i do make the "just bex talkin" tag so you guys can block it and ignore my rambling in tags if you want my writing but not my bitching lmao)

Well...fuck.