#i do it like every 2 weeks and it sucks
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digging myself deeper into this well
#ngl realising my shit is so deranged and out there is not uhhh good for me#i do it like every 2 weeks and it sucks#what if i changed everything to be normal#I WON'T#i mean i don't want to#but#hhhh#it'd be easier#hhhhhhh
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A pic of my human whirl design and holomatter avatar whirl hanging out together! Cuz I thought that’d be cute! And I was right… it is!
#transformers#mtmte#whirl#tf whirl#humanformers#mtmte whirl#doodles#Srry it’s been so long since uploading anything. I got a job! last month#and! it’s been going good… but also I do not have as much free time…#also… I’m.. it’s at a daycare… and I got a 102 degree fever last LAST Tuesday#2 Tuesdays ago. and I’m still fucking coughing. every time I start feeling better I go back to work and the sickness like resets itself.#also one of the kids gave me pinkeye!!!#im… thinking about looking for a diff job lol#im rlly proud of how well I’ve been handling this one. and its def boosted my confidence!#but.. like… i live with old ppl. who have there own serious issues. also I have my own issues!#espec w the eye thing like i had to go to an eye doctor ever month for like 2 years cuz my eyes were screwed up#and finally last year i got the ok that my eyes were doing good! and they weren’t screwed up anymore. and then i get fucking pink eye!#that freaks me out!!!! and Ive been sick for 2 weeks straight! that sucks!!!#like.. ive just realized… this level of exposure to illness and bacteria.. is not worth it lol#ive still got to do like 2 weeks notice tho so hopefully im not fucking sick for 2 more weeks#I feel like that’s a possibility ghgh#anyway yeah I got a job that’s why arts been scarce. gonna get a new job after this one so art will probably still be scarce lol#it’s ok that just means it’ll be more of a treat when I do post! like u guys’ll cherish it more right? lol#absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that#maccadam
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my hardest people to deal with is people who are like... saying all the right things, are allies or straight up marginalized, but then. they just suck ass at their job. absolutely no skills. and i KNOW they will co-opt social justice language whenever it's brought up
#like i will support the girlies but i also need people to do their job in a timely and correct manner#and i will help if they need accomodations!! but at some point like... some people are just not qualified#(and this is at every level i see you cishet male allies who do jack shit)#and when i say suck i mean: took a month and half to deliver a week-long task#(2 days task for me but i know im a freak so i always give other people double the time it would take me lmao)
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Not to be a negative nelly on main BUT this is a reminder that interaction on simblr is encouraged otherwise people lose their motivation to post 😬. Like I didn't want to be the one to say it... but I'm gonna.
The "boops" made it clear that interactions have always been possible, people are just choosing not to. Which of course is your right... it just stings a little 🙃
#like even just floating someone a 'like' every now and again... like this is not TikTok you need to interact friends#I know some people don't mind talking into the void but I do and I know I'm not the only one lol#all this to say thank you to the 3-5 people who regularly interact with my posts 😂 you guys are great#I've seen 2-3 blogs abandon their simblr just this week or at least consider abandoning for this exact reason!!#It's shitty. It sucks. I'm not going anywhere because I'm nothing if not annoyingly dedicated but fr... a big part of keeping a#community alive is active interaction. Please send asks even if it's anonymous! Like or reblog!!! It's okay!#You will not annoy anyone by interacting with them I promise!#just shitposting#personal#simblr
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...
#my dads back in ohio again so im back on my own. i still feel terrible but at least i have a plan#i have 2 weeks of this semester left. so i have to not fail my genomics exam and work on a group project plus grade a bunch#shouldnt be too hard but everything makes me so tired rn and i just feel this barrier between myself and everything else#even when my dad was here. i just dont kno how to feel happy. just varied levels of stress#but after the semester is over ill have to find a job for the summer. which super stresses me out bc i havent really had a real job outside#academia and im worried about how stressful ill find it bc im sure its gonna suck but at least i wont have to work on my project#i just think if i had a normal job that doesnt dominate every aspect of my life id feel a little less terrible. or at least i wouldnt send#myself spiralling so much. if i stay here i might not survive it#but what if ill just make myself miserable wherever i am? i dunno. but im gonna try to find a non academic job this summer with the epa or#maybe the usgs. i mean ive gota a bachelor's and a masters in environmental topics. that's gotta count for something#just get a government job. pray for a not terrible set of coworkers. and build something from there#it just sucks bc i feel like everythings falling apart and like i kno if i gave it my all i could pull thru and get my phd but im just so#tired of struggling against something everyone else can do. i just cant read at a level appropriate for what im doing#ugh. i dont wanna study for genomics. i just wanna sleep. i just wish i wasn't in this position#and now i a baby about it. i mean my sisters r in similar positions bc the youngest is currently looking for a teaching job. and my middle#sister is looking to move to new york city in the next 6 months and she'd be quitting her job for that. so we're all sorta in flux#i just wanna not be flailing. not watch my hopes and dreams collapse. be excited about anything. im just sad bc i have to make hard choices#even if i know theyre the right ones to make if i want to continue to exist. sometimes u cant have the things u wany.#and that sucks and i hate it. theme of the year: sometimes life sucks and theres nothing u can do abt it#unrelated
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I will not argue about religion online I will not argue about religion online I will not argue about religion online🤡
#franposting#rae your response already sort of undercut ops intent#but also FUCK THAT POST FOR REAL#1) u are doctrinially incorrect. 1x a year minimum. recommended during pennintential seasons#get off my ass every week bullshit#that's not how it works mortal sin is NOT so common as that and this is how yall give ppl scruples and complexes#and religious trauma#also like. just fuck off in general if u have that kind of attitude#trads my nemesis (EXCEPT U RAE)#(she is very polite. she gets to stay :)#but anyway yeah now im so fuckin angry#everytime i think ive reached some sort of tentative peace with the church#or at least. a cease fire. a begruding tolerance of my coreligionists#i am forcibly reminded that so many of them suck#ALSO HISTORICALLY??? WEEKLY CONFESSION??? WTF ARE YALL ON. CRACK????#we went 2 millenia without it. get ur reactionary american trad bullshit out my face#if u are reading this and being like. oh fran i am going to argue with u and correct u. consider. dont.#dont do that. i will not change my mind on this. it is one of the few articles of faith i am definitely sure on#and im actually IN THE RIGHT this isnt even my heterodox pseudo heretic ass#this is literal doctrine yall are just brainrotted by usamerican catholic trad culture#tldr thank u rae for ur response but i must take my rage further and scream bc i hate that rhetoric sm
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my brain has been really out of whack recently (I think it's the time change among other things) so I'm going to try out some things to see if they help
I might not be on social media a whole lot in the next week or two, but if you're mutuals and want my discord, send me a message
#[static]#I cleared out my queue so I don't feel like I need to keep it going#I'm trying to limit my time on my phone since I've noticed that I've been getting sucked back into it for Hours every day which I *hate*#it's this weird paradox of wanting to keep up with my friends but also knowing that I get sucked into checking the rest of the app -#- that I need to figure out#tumblr is one of the few social medias that I don't get that sucked into but i do like to keep up to date with#for news and friends reasons#but im gonna basically not be using my phone at all except for music for the next while until my brain feels better#it's also the busiest week of the year in my line of work so i want to be sure im taking care of myself#my brain fog has been suuuper bad and being on my phone makes it worse#i wish we all lived closer so that i could just go hang out with ppl instead of being attached to my dumb phone#using phone = less time to do things i like too which also makes me mad when I do it#i dont even like my phone bro ... but tiktok gets me tbh i'll sit on my phone for like 2 hours straight just watching funny little videos
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Girl help. Am eepy
#ive had like. 2 errands to run every day this week and i think its effecting me more than it should#and then for the rest of all of those days i have no idea what to do so i just do nothing.#this sucks. im gonna make hot chocolate and then take a nap
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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📖🖊❄️
#journal dump bc i have too much on my mind#1) i HATE my neighbors. theres never one quiet moment. they stomp around and slam cabinets all the time it feels like#2) i've been reading more recently even if concentration's hard bc of noise. but i also feel like there r too many books i wanna read#but yeah. too little time. so instead i cant settle on a book and kinda dont even read as much as i want to. a stupid problem really#3) it's crazy to say but i wish i had a part time job. sitting at home 24/7 for 5/6 years has been SO terrible for me.#everything feels meaningless. every day is the exact same. im not LIVING. im rotting away and all my issues get worse. im also so fkn bored#and i dont wanna sit at home and do assignments (even if thats what i technically should be doing)#i want a job to go to which takes me away from home + gives me money#then i can come home and sit and rot and ENJOY it. bc now my lazy time is only smth negative and bad for me :/#ofc i hate the mere thought of having some soul sucking utterly pointless job and our capitalist society is a slave hellhole. but.. as it is#im not even able to enjoy ANY of my time bc all my time feels bad. plus im only getting poorer and poorer so i cant afford to buy anything#4) im so fkn bored and going crazy from eating the exact same food every single day for the third month now. im sick of it#everything tastes so bland and disgusting. it's genuinely making me depressed 😭 i wanna eat REAL food. im so tired bc no nutrition :((#i cant do anything except wait for my appt w the doctor next week and hope they put me on a waiting list for surgery.. but ong im sick of it#5) i miss my sisters :/ we live in the same apartment but its like i've completely ceased to exist to them#except when they need to be passive aggressive to me. lol. i miss them. but they just dont wanna talk to me :/#but tbh. most of all... i just want my health issue to be over so my body can function normally again.#i can face anything in life if i can come home to a cup of coffee nd some chocolate ^-^ <333
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i havent wanted to comment on the sandsurge drama bc i think it's insane but like. anyone who says that staff "isn't very communicative" has never played another petsite in their life. Turn back time spend 3 years on neopets and then we'll talk about communication bro..
like there is literally an entire Dev Status Sidebar that shows you what they're saying about whats going on that they update pretty regularly and they do dev updates + stay in contact with their playerbase and closely watch their reactions to updates to see where they messed up and what can be improved on. Like what on planet earth are you talking about. genuinely
the only agreement i will give to communication issue is that the wording on aeq's post regarding the fact that it would be a gem breed took me 7 tries and i still dont get it bc it reads to me as "2nd breed will be treasure, 3rd will be gems"?? which is obv not true. I genuinely can't see what ppl mean by this being a confirmation. but thats not a communication issue it is a Confusing Wording issue. don't complain about communication unless you've played literally any other petsite bc i guarantee you this level of transparency and care you will find in very few other places.
#and before anyone thinks im sucking up to staff. i dont like staff. i will never let myself have anything more than#respect for people i dont know on a day to day basis. they run a company. not my friends. esp not after how the eye genes were treated#fr#flight rising#chimechatter#this is the only thing ill be saying on this or reblogging btw i just got irritated<3#my only opinions on every other issue ppl have is 1. i think modern gem breeds should be 1200 and ancients should be 600g#i cant put apparel on them why thr hell am i paying yhat much. i have to pay 1kg and then a shitton for a skin if i want one and then pay fo#r gem genes too can you get real with me. but its fine i can grind bc if im not gonna pay up im gonna god damn do it right#its literally fine. and 2. was initially disappointed we didnt get at least an egg bc i love getting eggs but w/e ill jus grind. 2 weeks of#g&g gets u a breed change scroll lmao its whatecer#they gotta make money. it is what it is. i use adblocker because the changing ads are distracting n give me a headache#so i better either put my money where my mouth is or grind it out yk. Whateval#such a nothing burger drama honestly
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screaming and crying and pounding on the walls
#STOP COMING INTO WORK SICK. STOP COMING#TAKE SICK DAYS OR WORK FROM HOME. STOP COUGHING IT UP IN HERE#I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET SICK AND I ABSOLUTELY CAME AFFORD TO GET MY FAMILY SICK I'LL KILL YOU#ein babbles#''oh man that sucks :( yeah something had been going around my wife has been sick for 2 weeks. im fine though''#STAY HOME.#'oof yeah i just got over it myself but all my kids are sick and miserable still''#STAY HOME!!#''just the weather changing had been crazy you know? i've been feeling queasy for a week now''#STAY HOME!!!!!#this man is in his office across from my cubicle and it sounds like he's fucking dying#''don't worry everyone i am doing so much better 😊 thank you all for your concern!''#i can HEAR you hacking up a lung every 15 minutes im begging you to go the fuck home Please#YOU ARE SETTING A BAD EXAMPLE TO YOUR DIRECT REPORTS!!!!!
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is it better to have a full time job you kinda hate or two casual/part time jobs that are okay
#thinking about quittinggggggg#but also dat job security 😫 i enjoy not being let go and forced to find another job quickly yanno?? unfortunately this current job sucks#1) industry i do NOT want to work in! 2) management has made me want to kill myself every day of the week since i started#3) i get paid so little fucking money. like. Not A Lot At All. especially compared to my coworkers i actually think im THE lowest paid#ueeeruhrjjghhhh. i hate this#txt
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feeling normal (birthday in like 3 days that im not ready for) feeling normal (too artblocked and preoccupied to even think about finishing artfight and wrestling with guilt about it) feeling normal (-£600 in bank account) feeling normal (realised breaking my foot last year led to Lasting Consequences but cant see a physio abt my fucked up legs til january) feeling normal (has to learn to drive stick and the instructor is scary) feeling normal (stlil has no idea how to un-fuck social life after the great mental breakdown of april 2023) feeling normal (gross sobbing)
#'hows it going' yeah everything is happening so much its fine tho <2#like im FINE im just. all over the goddamn place i need things to just settle down#i applied for a job thats like. actually the closest thing i can think of to my dream job. like. rare opportunity where i can suck up to th#employer as much as i want about the place having a huge impact on my life and mean every single word of it for real#(its at the bird park where i used to volunteer but this time doing flight displays animal training and education)#im slightly underqualified for it (no prior hands-on experience and no drivers license yet) so i might not even get the interview#so not getting my hopes up high yet#i can always volunteer there again on weekends while i work whatever retail gig will take me if i dont#but fuuuck it'd be nice. so so cool#'required qualifications: undergrad degree in fields related to animal behaviour' me rolling up with my shiny new Animal Behaviour BSc:#anyway. AUghrh#give things a few more weeks to shake out. ill be okay#having complicated feelings about one chapter of my life being over.. its a fucked up transitory period thats prolly gonna feel worse-#before it feels better#but ill settle into it soon especially once i get a job/my sister goes to college in september#....and i get the goddamn boxes out of my room so it feels more like a place i actually live again jgHJSDN#vent/#its not Really but close enough
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just emailed last years college secretary, looked into signing up for 2 other colleges, got the details for a job im interested in + texted the friend whose sister works there to see if she can get me Connections and i got another job offer from the place i interned at im soooo cool and adult
#shut up dave#passes out and explodes!!!#its stiiiilll like. so scary#aaand overwhelming#the uni stuffs most stressful once thats over with itll probably be easier to like. deal with having a job#cause even if i dont get the bookstore one i can still go work w the kids ( plus i dont rly wanna like. leave them.#their other young teacher goes on maternity leave this week. so if i dont go there theyll b left with#teachers that not even one of the kids considers their favorites#and thats kinda sad!!#but also i DO need money and. the other month i worked 30hr weeks for a total of $200 a month#so like 50 a week#and current offer is for like 2 hrs a day? thats 3 times less#also it takes me almost an hour to GET there. but i love the kidsss its like worth the effort sometimes. but not rly. every day i think#BUT if i MANAGE to get a part-time thing like a 4 to 10? since my work would end at 2-3 and it takes an hour to get ANYWHERE from there#its be like having a full time thing except i go work in 2 diff places!#sigh. adult life sucks tho i wanna stay inmy room and draw
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our mum caught some kind of illness maybe a week or so ago and has been coughing this whole time and lost her voice, and we've had like, occasional symptoms that made us think we were getting ill, but overall we've been suspiciously alright and don't seem to have whatever she's caught, which is... fucking weird considering we normally catch everything anyone in the household gets.
I have just noticed though that our sinuses don't feel great and our lymph nodes are pretty swollen and tender and I can feel our throat getting sore and like... oh no. please for the love of god I need this to just be our body being weird and not us having finally caught this
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#if we manage not to catch it then it'll be a miracle#we catch every single cold that anyone else in the house catches and we were ill almost continuously all winter#literally from mid-November to late February we were just constantly getting ill with colds and then the flu and covid#we'd start to recover and within maybe 2 or 3 days we'd have already caught something else#hence why it's been so fucking hard for us to keep up with a lot of the stuff we need to do and now our routine is fucked because of it#we're used to getting colds all winter because that always happens but like it fucking sucks and wrecks our ability to function#and now it's spring and we went a little while without getting ill and most of that was spent recovering#and we're just now getting back on track and managing to start catching up with stuff and it's such a huge relief#and I desperately do not want to have to deal with getting ill again#I'm hoping maybe I just overexerted worse than I realised yesterday and our post-exertional malaise is flaring up and that's what this is#but I'm also very aware that our immune system does not fucking work properly and someone in the house has been ill for like a week now
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