john egbert banging out the tunes April 13, 2023

There is such a strange obession with always having to humble Michael Jackson.

He fits like the extrem case of a Tall Poppy Sydrome.

1# His brothers (Jermaine) how they say he wouldn't be Michael Jackson without the Jackson 5. Kind of dismissing his talent and wanting them to be a part of his success.

2# People who claim Joe beat talent into Michael. And is success is thanks to his abuse. If that was the case. What went wrong with the others then?

3# The constant comparsions with todays artists. Who not only benefit from the streaming era but are also way below him talent wise or impact wise. Taylor Swift, The Weeknd, Bruno Mars, Drake, Chris Brown... Them naming new King of Pops like Justin Timberlake, Justin Bieber, Ed Sheeran, Harry Styles. The comparsions can be looked as a compliment that he is looked as the standard or as an insult because they try to dismiss him and put him om the same level as these artists not respecting he is a league on his own..

#4 These stupid lists billboard or rollingstone put out ranking him ridiculously low. Like tf you mean Michael number #86 on the best singers list. Or the 20 best Halloween songs doesn't involve Thriller eventhough it's the most recognizable one.

#5 Claiming Eagles Greatest Hits was the best selling album of all time back in 2018. Eventhough it was only in the US. ( allegedly) But of course these trash tabloids had to make it look like it was the world.

#6 The stupid allegations. If they put any effort into reading would know are bs. When their smear campaign failed they just made it look like "separating art from the artist" bs.

#7 Them reporting other artist broke his record. Eventhough it isn't comparable. You can't compare Drakes shitty number ones who are mostly features in it or he features in them to Michaels number ones where he is mostly on his own and also wrote most of it. The songwriting is also something they can't believe and try to dismiss aswell. Also Drake has the benefit of the streaming era. Michael didn't. Aint nobody buying a bus tickets to drive 15 minutes downtown and purchase an album of Drake.

Their pathetic attemps really knows to bound. They would literally choke if they just admit he is the greatest.

The one about his father's abuse being the thing that "made him what he was", as well as the unfair slander against MJ for accusations that were so ridiculously they were laughed out of court are, by far, the ones that piss me off the most.

Joseph abusing his son was not the reason why Michael was the greatests, it was one of the many reasons why we lost him so soon. I'm always EXTREMELY suspicious when people try to push that kind of narrative of "abuse is not that bad and has positive consequences if you're not a crybaby", especially when it's someone in a position of power, because it just screams "I want to get away with exploiting people AND I want to be praised for it."

The lies of "Michael was a pedophile" are just the kind of stuff that breaks my heart and makes me furious. And I gotta laugh when the same people that tried to destroy MJ because of stuff they KNEW was bullshit now pretend it never happened or, like you said, use the "separate art from the artist" argument. It just proves that Michael had earned so much respect from both the public and the few decent people in the industry, AND was so fucking talented, that those idiots were eventually forced to realize that they would have made much more money celebrating him than they ever made by tearing him down

And we all know THAT is why they did it, the good old business model of "Give the public a great icon, then tear said icon to pieces in front of them." The people that are still on the hate/devalue MJ train are split between people that are too proud to admit they fucked up, and the people that built their entire lives around telling the public which popular thing is actually not that good (be it in a "I'm too good for stuff that the masses like" way or in a cancel culture type of way).

Plus, we all know Michael was not afraid to openly trash the media and even his own record label when they pissed him off enough, and you just know some rich assholes that are not used to people talking shit about them and getting away with it and still hold a grudge for it.

As for the comparisons with modern idols - it's not just things like streaming that make said comparisons not just unfair, but downright nonsensical.

The very fact that people will go "Oh, this person is the new Michael Jackson/King Of Pop" is already a contradiction. The reason Michael has the status he has is because there WASN'T a "king of pop" before him. He had people who influenced him and there were artists that were HUGE, sure, but there was no one that fit the role of "The MJ before MJ" so to speak. The closest "match" I can think of is Beatle Mania, and even then, that was a group. Even when people talk about the "most important/famous" Beatles, it's always Lennon AND McCartney.

Michael Jackson's fame as a solo artist was on the level of "People legitimately did not fucking know someone could be this famous" and to this day nobody has done it again - which is a big deal since, like you pointed out, it is a lot easier to have acess to an artist's work now.

And yet everytime one of today's artists is called "The new king/queen of pop" in some internet article it just never catches on... yet the title of said articles DON'T have to add a "(Michal Jackson)" after saying the words "King of Pop" because if you know these three little words, you know the ONE person they refer to.

Another important factor here is that all of these "new coronations" so to speak happen literally every year - to more than one artist. We are TOLD "this random music critic saying this about this artist is a big deal" but it doesn't match what we're SHOWN because, again, to reach Michael's level of fame, one would need to be literally "The only artist that matters, everyone elsa can just fight for the title of second best." If everyone is "the new MJ" then no one is, not really. At most they're just "Super popular artist" and there's nothing wrong with that.

Things like the internet and streaming have also made the term "fifteen minutes of fame" much more literal than it ever was. So sure, you easily find people that went viral - but how many of them had any real, lasting sucess? How many times did an artist do something cool that pushed to everyone all over the globe, and then just a month later they were a has-been?

And even the well-stablish artists of today, even though who started really young, don't have the same kind of long career Michael had because most artist don't start singing at the age of five, spend their entire childhood and adolescence gaining more and more fans, and then spend their adulthood as the biggest thing ever because they put out the first AND second best selling albums of all time. Michael had already been performing, and been absurdly famous, for nearly two decades when he finally released Thriller - which just got a 40th anniversary edition because even after four decades since it's debut, and 14 years since Michael letf us, he is STILL such a powerhouse that the world just had to celebrate his music once again.

Comparing that to artists that have only had one or two decades in the industry is ridiculous because of course they're gonna lose, just like their modern songs are obviously going to be front and center instead of the ones made decades ago, from an artist that is deceased and whose sales did not benefit from streaming, or even CDs, for a long time. And once again, the fact that Michael STILL has a presence on Spotify, Youtube, TikTok and literally very platform ever speaks volumes of just how solid his legacy is. Meanwhile all these singers he's being compared to are still making stuff that will one day become their legacy. It's comparing apples to oranges.

And since I mentioned the (ungodly evil thing) that is TikTok, that brings me to yet another major difference between MJ fame and modern fame: how artificial it all has become. Don't get me wrong, musical trends and popular "formulas" to make a hit have always existed, but things today are often SO calculated to have "viral qualities" (a part the is guaranteed to become popular on TikTok, never going over a specific length, everything needing either a sped up version or a slow reverb version, etc) that they might as well have been made by algorythm.

Meanwhile, Michael became the biggest singer ever because the priority when making anything was to make sure it was GOOD, no matter the style, length or topic of the song. Michael often said his approach when making records was to have no songs you can skip - compare that to artists and labels trying to make 20 seconds of a song catchy to blow up on TikTok, rest of the thing be damned, and you have yet another reason why MJ's legacy is solid, while plenty of promising new artists disappear overnight.

And, finally, we that brings us to the final difference between Michael and plenty of artists today: how he COMPLETELY altered the industry, in every way.

Michael Jackson is the reason why Superbowl performances are a thing, why music videos have all kinds of cool aesthetics and even enough plot to be considered short films instead just being an artist dancing to their own tunes on camera. He was the first black artist to ever have his music videos air on MTV. Fans passing out during his concerts was a regular thing. Plenty of artists all over the globe have him as a reference to how they should sing, dance, dress, or even just stand on stage because Michael had such presence he could stand on stage without moving for an entire minute then slowly, dramatically remove his sunglasses, and people would still be screaming their heads off.

Once again, let's look at Beatle Mania: it was a level of fame nobody had seen before, for artists that were breaking all the rules. But nowadays a group of young men playing love songs and having seemingly every teenage girl in the country following them around is nothing out of the ordinary, and while their songs are still fantastic, plenty of bands over the decades have done awesome things with rock music that are just as revolutionary, if not more.

Meanwhile, Michael is still THE reference, and his music is still the definition of "quality." If you hear his biggest hits, you can totally tell which bits modern singers were inspired by - yet if you didn't know who he was, you could wrongfully assume some of these songs are modern because they were SO ahead of their time they still sound groundbreaking today.

Seriously, there's a reason NONE of these artists that was ever compared to Michael tried to actually claim his title: saying you're as good as him is one hell of a bold claim that gives people a ton of impossibly hugh standards that you better meet, without flaw and making it look effortless, otherwise you look like the most arrogant person who has ever lived - and nobody wants to deal with that kind of pressure.

ten facts about me

thank you @vishcount for the tag! ❤ this was incredibly difficulty and i couldn’t think of interesting facts by the life of me, but i tried? i feel like i don’t have much to tell. 

tagging as usual: @cortue, @intyalote, @the-cloud-whisperer, @isabellaofparma and @sassyassassy

this became longer than expected so under the cut it goes:

When I was little I actually wanted to become a marine or reptile biologist? I kept watching all these animal and nature documentaries on TV and I always loved reptiles, so I thought it would be dope to be a researcher? and I’m obsessed with anything sea/water themed, but being a marine biologist and go diving would scare the shit out of me. It’s what I always imagined as a kid and now I know that I need to see the ground under water or I panic. Also, science just isn’t my fort, so having casual interest in this instead is completely fine. When i was eleven my dream job became author and I guess it stayed that way in some sense.

continuing this theme, my dad was actually a sailor - not professionally, he just worked on boats numerous time and went sailing, one time he even owned his own boat for a few years when I was a child. I always wonder if it’s his affinity for water that passed on to me.

I have this strange habit of sorting my food on the plate? let’s say there is.....idk, potatoes, salad and fish, then i need a certain way it’s laid out before me and my sister keeps teasing me about it. I think i started to care less about it (maybe because I don’t often cook multiple dishes) but when I go to restaurants it’s a tiny struggle sometimes.

I got my first covid vaccine shot today!! so far am not feeling any side effects and I hope it stays that way? 

My parents never raised me religious but I was heavily influenced by catholicism through school (eg. having to go to church every wednesday for four years and later attending a private catholic school). despite this I remember believing I would be reincarnated into a butterfly once I die, and I imagined the world as a white box in a white empty room with people standing around the box watching us. huh. nowadays I would call myself agnostic

Because Vishie mentioned horses, it reminded me that I recently thought of picking up horse riding again? but it’s such an expensive hobby and honestly don’t feel like going into actual courses and such. I have years of riding experience, but not professionally and I don’t have a pass? If I had pass it would be easier to go riding just for fun. sigh. I don’t even have time anyway 

I graduated highschool by doing 11 + one presentation in two months. No I won’t explain the details, but usually, if everything goes well, one graduates highschool with only six exams. I don’t know how I survived these two months because it was horrible but I’m sure as heck proud of it. From eight people that did the second exam dates with me I was the only one that passed, so you can imagine how shitty our school (system) was. 

I cry when I’m in historical places? Or when I see something historically significant. For example, visiting the city Split in Croatia sure did it to me, I remember just holding back my tears the first 15 minutes we were there. Something about a town built into an old roman imperial palace just slaps. I don’t even like Diocletian but his summer residence still made me emotional. History is just so good, and witnessing it is even better.

Continuing this theme again, as an art historian I’m always confronted with the conversation what is art and usually I side-eye people that have a fixed idea of what art is because sometimes? it just doesn’t matter. Sometimes the discussion is so much more important than finding a clear answer. But it is nice when people have their own definition, and mine is simply that anything created by humans, is art. It’s always a trace of human life and this will always be artistic to me. I’m glad that these past decades opened the studies of Art History to more than just paintings, sculptures and architecture. What I love most about my studies is learning about this one thing, for example an ancient vessel, and finding it’s context, trying to see what significance it had in the past for humans, and what it tells about their lives? I just loathe 18th and 19th century European scholars for constraining the definition of art. So whenever someone comes to me and says my job as an art historian is to narrate a Van Gogh painting my whole life, I try to make them see the amazing archaeological work that goes with art history and how art history is present in every single discipline and aspect of human life. thanks for coming to my ted-talk. I realise I’m a hypocrit but I don’t care.

I like to bake! it calms me and I always dreamt of having my own place with a functioning oven where I could bake at night if I can’t sleep. 

Teen Witch

Controversial opinion: stories about witches are the best stories. Just look at WandaVision - bitches ate that UP because it’s about WITCHES, which means it’s ultimately about loss and trauma and female (literal) empowerment in the face of those tragedies (and I mean there’s some complicated stuff in there about inflicting trauma upon others, even accidentally, and that’s kind of a witch thing too). And Sabrina is all well and good and everything, but what if you want your witch story to be a little less Dark Arts and a little more candy-coated? Have I got the film for you! Wes requested Teen Witch as part of his quest to expand my cheesy 80s cult classic knowledge, and boy did this one deliver. How 80s-tastic are we talking? Well...

The basic story is this: Louise (Robyn Lively) is a typical teen girl who occupies the nerd level of the high school hierarchy. You know the type - soft-spoken, nerdy best friend, has a crush on the cutest guy in school (Dan Gauthier), made fun of in gym class by all the cheerleaders. One day she crashes her bike in front of a psychic’s home/place of business and goes inside to use the phone, but gets her palm read first. The psychic, named Madame Serena, (Zelda Rubenstein, playing, I’m assuming, herself) tells her she will soon come into some witchy powers on her 16th birthday. When Louise’s birthday rolls around, you guessed it - witching aplenty. She gets the popularity, she gets the cute guy, she ditches her nerdy friend; it’s basically The Princess Diaries without Queen Julie Andrews. But then, y’know, she learns a valuable lesson about the high price of popularity and how important it is to be true to yourse--wait, no she doesn’t, she takes off her magic necklace and smooches with the boy she likes at the school dance and that’s how it ends.

Some thoughts:

This slow motion credit sequence is incredible. See, we just don’t have this anymore, where the movie starts and you have no fucking idea what’s going on. The 80s really knew how to draw an audience in. Is this a dream? Is this a music video? No one knows! That’s why it’s exciting!

Why are tv and movies so obsessed with a completely made-up depiction of what takes place outside a high school’s entrance before the first bell? Apparently there’s a busker festival going on at this high school every day - there’s guys doing BMX tricks, an all white rap group, I think I saw some jugglers.

I’ve actually taught in both middle and high school, so I know this English teacher (Shelley Berman) wouldn’t be fired for being such a shitty teacher, but he should be. 

Is this like...a musical? First there was the terrible rapping, now there are cheerleaders doing “the new cheer” which is literally a song just saying “I...LIKE...BOYS!” and there’s a dance routine on top of lockers - there’s a lot of towel choreography. It feels like a musical in the sense that it’s nonsensical, but I don’t actually think it IS a musical. Genre-defying!

It’s kinda creepy that Louise is watching an extended montage of Brad (Gauthier) working out shirtless from the shadows but like...same, girl. Damn, Brad.

Aw, at least Brad is reasonably nice. Louise, show some backbone! You shouldn’t have been too proud to let him drive you home after he ran you off the road on your bike accidentally!

I am just mystified by the market for roles that were appropriate for Zelda Rubenstein in the 80s. What is this niche? Which came first, Zelda Rubenstein, or these characters? 

I am also mystified by this gremliny little brother (Joshua John Miller) who seems to be obsessed with eating cake and never washing his hair. He’s like a goblin trapped in a diminutive nonbinary body made of pizza and spite. [ETA: I now feel a little bad for finding him so repellent in this, as the actor wrote one of my favorite meta horror movies, The Final Girls, in 2015. So at least he grew up and made something cool of himself.]

OMFG did Brad just hit the soda machine for her like the fucking Fonz? 

There is (temporarily) a Very Good Dog who is not harmed in any way.

In what universe does Louise see what her date, David (Jared Chandler), is wearing and be like “he’s such a geek” when she looks like an extra from Leave it to Beaver. 

The DJ just said “OK guys, grab your wallets, it’s a slow song.” What...does that even mean? Is he implying that slow dances are expensive? Ooh or even more nefarious, that there’s a rampant pickpocketing problem during slow dances?

Did Louise...just imply that the number of light years away a star is dictates how soon a wish you make on that star would come true? Listen. I’m no astrophysicist. But I have read enough Neil Degrasse Tyson tweets to know that that’s not how any of this works. 

OK I take back what I said, David is a fucking CREEP. Drag his ass, Louise. However, I think she may have straight up murdered him by making him disappear. David is never seen or heard from again in this film. 

Obsessed with the dad’s sweaters both because they are ridiculous and because he is the lesser Darren from the original Bewitched. 

It feels weird that Louise’s revenge involves forcing Mr. Weaver to take his clothes off in front of the class.Who wants that? Like I get that it’s humiliating for him, but really, you’re only punishing yourself here Louise. 

There is a rap-off that is meant to convey electric sexual tension between two nerdy ass white kids. 

I don’t know what it was like at your school, but I can tell you for sure that at my high school no one ever applauded when the most popular girl in school walked into the classroom like she’s Kramer making an entrance on Seinfeld.

Why is Brad taking her to an abandoned house in the middle of nowhere? And why is she wearing heels?

Oh god she took the heels off and now she’s barefoot in this decrepit house, that’s so much worse! TETANUS EXISTS LOUISE.

Wait are they going to fuck in the abandoned house? Brad has a girlfriend! You brought heels, but did you bring condoms?? I guess she has bigger concerns than tetanus now. Also I feel so bad for these actors, they are both DRIPPING sweat. That must have been a miserable shoot.

I’ve said this before, but the 80s were such an incredible time for himbo fashion. Crop tops, those tank tops with the giant holes for the arms, teeny little basketball shorts. In the 90s all we had were JNCOs and weirdly “urbanized” Looney Tunes characters on baggy t-shirts. Gen X has no idea how good they had it re: male fashion. 

I’m genuinely obsessed with the idea that popularity means the school just has banners all over that say “LOUISE” and she gets like, cards and fan mail that say “Louise U R the best.” This feels like if you ask a kindergartner what being popular means.

Madame Serena just said “the real magic is believing in yourself” which is exactly what Louise’s dad said like 15 minutes ago, but I guess he wasn’t a 3-foot-tall witch so no one paid attention when he said it. 

Y’know for an 80s prom outfit, Louise’s dress is pretty cute. 

I cannot stress enough that Brad’s girlfriend is at this dance while he and Louise are kissing! Does no one care? Were high school attitudes toward monogamy just way more flexible in the 80s? 

Did I Cry? Shyeah, right. 

This is such an odd, mostly charming, but wildly perplexing little movie. There was no antagonist or real conflict here, at all. Louise barely struggles with any sort of tension or remorse about having her powers and what it means for her life, she just kind of decides at the end that she’s over it, and she still gets the guy and no actual negative consequences from bending the entire school to her will for the past few months. I mean, in The Craft, when people use magic for their own gains, other people fucking DIE. I was definitely entertained, but a lot of it was due to me saying, “What? How? What?” loudly at the screen. I can see how this has gained a cult following in much the same way that other oddball 80s fare like Better Off Dead or Girls Just Wanna Have Fun did. Watch it once, then watch it again while you get drunk with your friends (in a post-Covid world, obviously) and you’ll probably have a pretty great time. 

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Silent Auction (2) ~Topper Thornton~

summary: Kildare County High School decides to have an auction to save the arts programs. all the students are up for grabs and y/n is purchased by the least likely person. her worst nightmare. her nemesis. someone who doesn’t even attend the school.

word count: 2k

pairings: topper x reader, jj x reader (platonic mostly & a slightly one-sided romance)

warnings: fluff, enemies to friends (kinda)

a/n: behold, the 2nd & final part to ‘Silent Auction’. enjoy!

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masterlist

“Will you calm down? It’s just a date. Nothing’s gonna happen.” y/n smiled at JJ. He wasn’t happy that his best friend was being forced to go on a date with the one person everyone in the group hated.

“I know. But it’s with Topper, of all people.” the blond boy continued to whine as he followed y/n around, helping her get ready, even though he didn’t want to.

“JJ, I know. I don’t want to do this either. But like I said, it’s just one date. It’s not gonna kill anybody.” she giggled at the pout he was currently sporting. “And besides, he saved the arts program for years.”

“I hate the arts program.”

“Ahem! Excuse me?” she narrowed her eyes at JJ and he looked anywhere but her face. “The arts program is my favorite program.”

“I know. But you’re good at it. I am not, hence the reason I don’t like it.”

“I’ll give you lessons tomorrow if you stop whining about my date with Topper.”

“Hmmmm....nah. Not worth it.” he smiled and plopped himself down on the couch.

“God, I hate you so much.” she shook her head in disappointment and went to her room to change. Topper was gonna be there any minute to pick her up and she had spent the last 15 minutes arguing with JJ.

Topper walked up to the front door, nervously. His palms were sweaty and he wasn’t prepared to be wowed by y/n. He knew what he did to the Pogues was shitty, and that she hated him for it, but he had never directly been rude to her. The things he did were the cause of her hatred towards him and he regretted it. Topper really liked y/n and he needed to make it all up to her. So, when he finally knocked on the door, he was shocked to see JJ standing on the other side of it.

“Um, hey. Is...is y/n ready?” JJ just ignored him and left the door open. Topper walked in and slowly closed the door. 

“JJ, can you come up here for a second?” y/n called down to her best friend, who stood up and glared at Topper before going upstairs. “I need your honest opinion on my outfit.” she sighed and turned to face JJ.

“You look great, y/n. Honestly.” he smiled and leaned against the door frame. “He’s downstairs by the way.”

“Shit. I haven’t even done my makeup yet.” she started rushing to get her makeup done. JJ walked over to her and grabbed her hands. “JJ, what are you doing?”

“You look fine the way you are. Trust me,” he sighed. “Topper’s gonna love it.”

“Thanks, JJ.” she set her mascara down and took one final look at herself before going downstairs. Topper stood up from the couch when he heard her coming.

“You look....wow.” he smiled and noticed JJ standing behind her, giving him an intense stare.

“Thanks, Topper.” y/n blushed and turned to look at JJ, who quickly changed the look on is face to a softer one. “You going home or are you gonna stay here for a bit?”

“I’m gonna hang back.” he smiled and returned his gaze to Topper. “I’ve got a few rules for ya, buddy. First off-”

“JJ, calm down.” y/n giggled at the fact she had to restrain her best friend from continuing. “I can take care of myself.”

“I know. But you’re my best friend. I care about you and want to make sure he knows.”

“I love you.” she smiled and headed to the door.

“I love you too,” he smiled sadly as he watched them walk out to Topper’s truck. “Take good care of her, Topper. She’s my best friend.”

“I will. Don’t worry.” he yelled out the window before driving off. JJ headed back inside to sulk and think about his own problems.

Y/n and Topper headed to a restaurant, with the intentions of having a nice meal. But when they got there, the woman at the front desk had informed them that their reservation had not been recorded in her book.

“Well, this sucks. I wanted to give you a night you’d actually like.”

“It’s fine, Top. We can go anywhere.”

“I know. But you’ve never eaten here before and I wanted to make this night special.”

“IF it makes you feel better, fancy and expensive dates don’t impress me. If you want to make this night special, just be yourself & don’t try to use your money to make it special.”

“Okay.” he smiled down at the girl. “I think I can do that.”

“Awesome. Now, follow me. I had a feeling something bad was gonna come out of the date but, that’s okay.” she grabbed his hand and they began to walk downtown.

“So, what’d you have in mind?”

“Well, I have a passion for art & I have a few connections at the art studio downtown. So, I begged Mrs. Capron to give me the keys to the studio and she did.” she smiled and held up a pair of keys. “I only did this just in case.”

“So, you anticipated something bad happening to our date?”  he chuckled.

“Well, yeah. You’re a Kook and I’m a Pogue. They’re not meant to be together at all.” she looked up at him. “Please don’t be mad.”

“I’m not mad. You’re very right.” he smiled. “Now, let’s go to that studio.” 

They arrived at the studio only moments later. Y/n unlocked the door and turned on the lights.

“What should we do first?” she asked and watched as Topper looked around in amazement. 

“I’ve got an idea. Sit on that stool over there.” he pointed to the stool and looked around. y/n sat down and Topper grabbed a canvas. “I’m gonna draw you.”

“You’re gonna draw me?” she laughed. “Are you any good?”

“You’ll see when I’m done.” he smirked. “Now, pose.”

“Okay.” she found a comfortable pose and looked off into the distance. “How’s this?”

“Perfect. Now, just hold that pose until I’m done.”

“Not a problem.”

She held the pose for nearly two hours before she was instructed to come look at his artwork.

“What do you think?” he asked. “In my honest opinion, I don’t think it does the real you any justice.”

“What are you talking about? It looks amazing.” she stared at the drawing in bewilderment. “You got my hair right and everything.”

“I tried my best.” he smiled and stood up.

“I had no idea you were so good at art.” 

“I’ve been working on my art since I was a kid. Of course, my parents would never approve of it, so I’ve been doing it in secret since I was 7. Why do you think I spent so much at the auction?”

“You need to share your talent with the world, Topper. This is amazing.”

“I have more at home, if you want to come check it out sometime.”

“How about now?”

“What?”

“We can go now. Mom’s out with her friends so she won’t get mad.” he smiled. “Come on.”

“Okay. But I’m keeping this and I gotta lock up.” she grabbed the canvas and the keys before going outside. 

The short trip to Topper’s house was full of talk about art and life. Y/n smiled as she realized that Topper was a completely different person when he wasn’t with his friends, specifically Rafe. When they pulled up to his house, he rushed around to open her door for her.

“Thanks, Topper.” she smiled and grabbed his hand. They walked into his house and went up to his room. He reached into his closet, pulled out a large box labelled ‘Top Secret’ & unlocked it. 

“Inside are all my artworks over the last few years.” he slid the box over to her as she sat on the end of his bed. Y/n looked through the box.

“Topper, you’re....” she looked up at him with a grin. “You’re amazing.”

“Thanks.” he chuckled and scratched the back of his neck. “You know, you’re the first person I’ve showed these to.”

“Really? Not even Rafe knows about these? He’s your best friend.”

“I know, but if he knew, he’d definitely make fun of me for it.” he walked over to the balcony and sat outside. Y/n set the box down and followed, taking a seat beside him. 

“Topper, you shouldn’t be ashamed of this talent. Art is a fascinating subject and not many people realize that.” she smiled and looked at him. Topper was looking out at his backyard. “If Rafe really was your best friend, he would appreciate that you’re talented.”

“You’ve got a point.” he sighed. “But it’s not him I’m worried about. It’s my mom. She’s always on my back to be perfect and in her eyes, an artist is not perfect.”

“She’s stupid.” she looked at her hands. “No offense.”

“None taken, really.” he chuckled. “So, I’m gonna change the subject and ask you a question.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

“What’s going on between you and JJ?”

“Me and JJ?” if y/n had been drinking, it would have been shot out of her mouth. “What makes you think there’s something going on between me and him?”

“You’re always together & I heard him say he bid on you. It’s also in the way you act with each other.”

“Oh. Well, we’re not together. He’s just been my best friend for a long time. He’s practically a brother.”

“Well I think your ‘brother’ has a thing for you.” he smirked and nudged her shoulder.

“No he doesn’t.” she shook her head and thought about it. “Ew..gross. Nope. I can’t even think of him in that way.”

They both shared a look and laughed. The time they spent together was different than they both expected. 

“Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure.” she smiled.

“Does this...feel different?” he gestured between them. “Like, have you been having as much fun as I’ve been?”

“Oh, yeah. Absolutely.” she smiled. “You know, you’re way different than I expected. You’re not a complete asshole.”

“Thanks.” he smirked. “You’re....you’re just as I expected.”

“What do you mean?”

“I already had you figured out since day one. You’re a beautiful, intelligent and kind girl. You know how to make others feel happy and safe. Everything you say sounds sweet. And I don’t think there’s a mean bone in your body.” he smiled. “You helped me finally realize that being an artist is nothing to be ashamed of and I think I’m gonna show my work to my mom.”

“I’m proud of you, Top.” she smiled and hugged him. The hug lasted a little longer than any hug she’s shared with her friends. Topper smiled and pulled back to look at her. Y/n suddenly felt insecure under his gaze and started touching her face.

“I-is there something wrong with my face?” she sighed. Topper reached ip and moved a strand behind her ear.

“No. You’re perfect.” his gaze flicked down to her lips, and what he thought was a quick move, was definitely caught by y/n as she mimicked the move. “Just...absolutely perfect.” he smiled and started leaning in. She met him halfway and their lips molded together perfectly. When they both pulled apart, the look on their faces spoke volumes.

“Wow.” they both sighed with happiness. Y/n rested her forehead against his and smiled. “Why did we wait so long to do that?”

“I don’t know. But now that it’s happened, I don’t want to stop.” Topper smiled and placed another kiss on her lips. “I think JJ is gonna hate me for macking on his girl.” he chuckled when she smacked his arm.

“Not his girl & don’t worry. I’ll talk to him.” she smiled and leaned back in. The feelings they felt were running wild but neither of them cared. Not even of what their friends were gonna think. All that mattered was that the two of them were happy. This was it.

tags: 

@spilledtee​​ @im-a-stranger-thing @ameeravandijk​​ @jellyfishbeansontoast​​ @obxmxybxnk​​ @http-cherries​​ @ijustreallylovethem​​ @maggiesrandomness​​ @softstarkey​​ @poguesgold​​ @jjouterbanks​​

Sabo X Female Reader (Admiration)

"Seriously, if you like the guy, just tell him already! It's already just annoying by the way you look at him all lovey-dovey!" (Bf/n) exclaimed, clearly being fed up with my bullshit.

"Oh shut up. It's fine as is just admiring him being happy. Besides, why would he even like this dumb potato? If he's happy, I'm happy. Also, doesn't the saying go like happy guifu, happy lifu?" I retorted with a slight nonchalant tone.

"....................... NO YOU IDIOT, IT'S HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE. YOU WEREN'T EVEN CORRECT!!!" (Bf/n) shouted, just barely enough to draw attention while I just rolled my eyes. "Also," he continued, shoving food in his mouth. "You may be a dumb potato, but you are also the nicest and prettiest potato out there. Besides, do you even realize that Sabo actually looks at you sometimes?" (Bf/n) might be an idiot a majority of the time, but at least it's in that nice type of way.

I sighed. "Look, just because I "stare" at Sabo, doesn't mean that I like him. Besides, I stare at Kid sometimes, and that's cause I think about how much I hate him and how stupid he is."

"Oh is that so?"

I turned around at the sudden voice to see a certain tulip haired man, who just happens to be on a period 24/7.

"Oh hello, EustASS Fucking Kid." I greeted as I heard a few snickers from those who were brave enough. The really sad thing was however, no one realized that we were somehow siblings, even thOUGH WE HAD THE SAME MOTHERFUCKING LAST NAME. LIKE SERIOUSLY, HOW STUPID CAN THE HUMAN POPULATION GET!?!??

With that in mind little(?) readers, this meant that (Bf/n) was unaware of my relation with the edgy tulip. Therefore, he nearly shit his pants. It was sorta a funny sight though.

But oh no, it didn't just end there. Everyone within a hearing distance literally stopped what they were doing to look at the unknown sibling drama. Which also included Sabo, so fuck my life now. Since I was classified as a "shy" kid- even though the only kid here is a tulip- it looked like quite a shock for me to stand up the the idio- sorry, I meant bully. I could even hear (Bf/n) mutter "Don't do it you idiot. Don't provoke him."

But did I listen? I mean, why the fuck would I? So I continued as he did.

"Hello (dumb insulting name). I see you're being shitty as usual." CUE THE CONFUSED PEOPLE. Why? Because no one knows why he called me that. Though there is a story behind it... Which is embarrassing...

"I see you're being an ass like usual. Say, how is your arm? I do wonder what happened to it..." I talked back with a hint of sarcasm. Truth is, in one of our daily fights at home, I ended up breaking his arm, so now it was in a cast. Not my fault he insulted Sabo and was an asshole like usual though.

"Oh piss off." He spoke, before flipping me off and walking away. While he did that, I stuck my tongue at him. ;P

And my god, every one looked so confused, it was beautiful. And then there's Law, looking proud of me for slightly crushing Kid's pride. He didn't show it, but it was there.

I finally turned myself back to (Bf/n), only to be bombarded with questions.

~~~

After the event at lunch, apparently my reputation increased a bit for standing up to the idiot jerk. Why is this important? I'm actually, not sure.

Anyways, a few days have passed since then, and today on Friday, I, Eustass (Y/n), had received a note, letter, love letter? Whichever it is.

When school ended, I went home while Kid (a/n I wanted to write aniki for some reason XD) went out with his friends, leaving me alone with the note while not worrying about getting teased. It was a simple light blue paper folded into thirds, with a piece of tape holding it together. That's literally, just it. I peeled off the tape, and read.

Dear E. (Y/n),

I have already fallen for you for a while now, and the event on (insert date) a while back may have made me fall deeper than I thought I could have already.

Anyways, I'd like it if you could go out and join me at the Baratie for lunch at 11:30 am. Lunch will be on me, and I can't wait to see whether or not you come, but I hope you do.

Yours Truly,

      S.

Hooooooooly cheese and macaroni, Did I just get asked out on a date???? The handwriting was nice though. But ohhhh lordie, my face is probably as red as big bro's hair, I don't know what to do. Look, I ain't good with affection or shit related to that. But do I go? What would I wear? What if it goes south? What if it's a prank? Or worse, it's not a prank? And who the hell is S???

Ohhhh boi, since I was never good with this kind of stuff to begin with, I texted (Bf/n), and you know what he replied with?

"Eh / Just go / U never kno wut might happen"

"Just go" He fricking says. Just. Go.

Like, does the fucker not know how I can't deal with this shit that fucking easily??? 

And just like that I lost all of tonight's sleep, just deciding to screw myself over and go. I may be Kid's sister, but I'm not that mean... I think.

When I woke up, I sneaked into Kid's room, to see the fucker snoring hella loud. I grabbed that thing used to match your skin, think it was called foundation? To cover any eyebags and what not, and sneaked back out. It was tempting to kick him though, but I didn't want him to question me.

I went back to my room and grabbed a black tank top with a plain (f/c) jacket, with white cuffs of the sleeves. I also wore (a) (shade of blue) blue jeans that went a bit below my knees, being slightly ripped. As for shoes, I just wore some black boots with a (f/c) streak somewhere. (Sorry im bad at explaining clothes)

I then left at 11:15 because I wanted to be there 10 minutes early and it took 5 minutes to get there by foot.

I grabbed my earphones and phone from my pocket to play some music on my way there and hummed to the tune while waiting.

About 8 minutes passed when I got there I think, when I finally heard a familiar voice.

"Sorry if I'm late. My brothers wanted food so I had to make them some." I turned around to the source of the voice and my face immediately reddened. Because wHO THE FUCK KNEW THAT IT WAS GONNA BE MY CRUSH THAT I DENIED TOWARDS (BF/N)!?!?!??

Sabo was wearing a simple white button up shirt and some brown jean looking pants, and yet he still, looks great. But I had to speak otherwise, I might just be rude, or weird, or both.

"I-it's fine. You're not late, i-its just that I was here earlier."

GODDAMMIT WHY DID I STUTTER???? KILL MEEEEEEEEE.

"That's good, sorry to keep you waiting then? Anyways, let's go inside. Ladies first." The somehow calm fuck said as he opened the door with a fucking wink that just melted me. But you know what I did? I just chuckled at the silly gesture but really, I have no fucking idea what to do.

Like excepted, we sat at a table, ordered our food, and talked. Surprisingly, it actually wasn't that hard to talk to him. I mean it still sorta is cause I like him and I don't wanna screw up my chances, but, it was nice.

After we finished, we went to the park, and you probably guessed, more talking and idle chat. Mainly Sabo poking fun at his brothers.

"And then there was this one time where went to the beach, a-and we were in a boat and then we heard this noise." Sabo started again with another story in mind, sounding like he was trying so hard not to just fall to the ground and laugh. "At first, Marco looked like he didn't care, and he was chill. When all of a sudden he just screamed like a girl right when a seal came up behind him, and he just clung to Thatch like a scared child!" And he lost it. He just started to break into laughter, and loose his shit. Can't blame him though, as I joined in on his laughter. (Itotallydidn'tputareferencetooneofKiraReno'sstoriesjustnow)(congrats if you could read that)

Because just imagine. Your super calm and serious seeming art teacher, looking like he isn't scared easily, screaming like a small girl AND CLINGING to his brother, just because he's scared! And then I lost it too.

He then shared some more stories as he walked me back home after a while. Though sadly but obviously, he didn't share any funny stories about himself. It was pretty quiet when we got in front of my house, which made me suspicious of what Kid was doing, but I shrugged it off.

"Well, I'll be going now. Here's my number so you can text me!" He spoke with a precious smile. 

And then kissed my fucking forehead.

I turned red, obviously not expecting it, when out of fucking no where-

"OI!!! KEEP YOUR HANDS, OFF OF MY SISTER!!!!"

And who else would it be other than Eustass. Fucking. Kid.

"S-sister?!" Sabo was surprised, but who came blame him? Would you really expect one of the top bullies of the school to just come out of fucking no where and just defend somehow his little sister? Because people would usually say I'm an angel, which, clearly they haven't met me.

Sick and tired of Kid's usual and daily bullshit, i took off my boot, and threw it at Kid's face. Thankfully, the window was open.

Lights, Camera, Action Chapter 3

Warnings: None

Words: 3,396

A/N: If anyone gets a tag notification, my bad! XD Trying to add someone to the list and accidentally deleted the entire fucking chapter! but please still enjoy. :)

Moodboard made by me, none of the pictures are mine

~

Alex’s POV:

She always seemed so flustered, I felt bad. I think she got into her own way too much and over analyzed things was what made it worse. She did well in the staging and didn't seem like she was nervous at all, but when I ran into her after mine and Marco’s scene, she seemed a little shaken.

“Hey! Rose.” Marco called. Rose jumped and turned, giving us a smile when she realized it was us. We went over to her. “You did good in your scene today.”

“Oh, thanks.” She said, that cute pink color returning to her cheeks. I chuckled as I realized we were probably going to see a lot more of that for a while. “I was really nervous and we weren’t even actually filming…”

“Well, just do what you did today. Don’t even think about the cameras.” I said, Marco and me falling into step with her as we walked, each of us on either side of her. Rose sighed and nodded.

“I know. I just...Overthink a lot and think I’ll mess up and it gets me all worked up. I’m a very sensitive being, alright?” She said, with fake tears in her voice as she held out a hand to me. Me and Marco laughed as Rose let out her own giggle. She gave a small sigh and said, “I’m just really weird. You’ll understand when I’m more comfortable and can be openly weird around you guys.”

I shrugged and punched Marco’s shoulder as I said, “So are we. I mean if you’re a fan, then you’ve seen the videos right?”

Rose giggled and nodded. “Yeah, but I’m a whole different kind of weird. I don't think y’all are ready.” She said. We chuckled as we reached wardrobe. “I have to get fitted. Um, I’ll see you guys back at the hotel?”

Marco nodded before he added, “Maybe we’ll ride back with you. Our scenes are almost done.”

I swear I saw a flash of fear in her eyes, but she quickly covered it with a smile and a chuckle. “Yeah. Well, let me know.” She giggled. Marco chuckled and we parted ways as we made our way to another part of the set.

“She’s cute.” Marco said. I looked at him and chuckled.

“Yeah. She is. I don’t understand why she’s so shy though.” I said. Marco shrugged.

“New people, first time acting. We were the same on our first sets. I mean not like that, but we were still nervous.” Marco said. I nodded and gave a shrug.

“Well, hopefully she’ll get more comfortable as we go.” I said. Marco nodded as we came up on set.

“Hey, mate! There you are!” Jordan called, walking over to us. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

~

Unfortunately, Rose went back pretty quickly, her fitting going fast so we missed riding back with her. But once we got back to the hotel, we ran into her as she made her way to the pool.

“Oh, hey, guys.” She said with a bright smile.

“Hey. Heading to the pool?” I teased, seeing her with her towel and flip flops. She giggled and nodded.

“Yeah. I just want to soak in the hot tub for a while.” She said with a shrug.

“Shit, can we join? We had to do a little stunt work and I’m feeling sore.” Marco said, glancing at me. I shook my head at him, whether he liked Rose or he was trying to push us together, I wasn’t sure, but either way he wasn’t being subtle and Rose saw it too. She pursed her lips as she tried to hold in her laugh and nodded.

“Sure. I’ll be out there. Come find me.” She said, glancing from Marco to me as she walked past us and out to the pool. I turned to him and gave him a playful shove as we went to the elevators.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” I laughed. Marco laughed and said, “What?”

“We did stunt work? It was so minimal. You’re so full of shit, Ilsø.” I snickered. Marco shrugged and said, “What? I’m just trying to help the poor girl out.”

“Help her with what?” I asked, scrunching up my face as I chuckled.

“Come on, man. She obviously likes you. I’m trying to to help her.” Marco snickered. I rolled my eyes as we stepped into the elevator.

“Seriously? She’s a fan, that doesn’t mean she likes me like that.” I said. Marco scoffed.

“She seems to be more flustered around you than the other guys. I saw her talking with Clive and Gustaf earlier. She was perfectly fine.” Marco said. I shook my head.

“I don’t believe it.” I said, walking out of the elevator. Marco shrugged.

“Fine. Then you’ll have no objection if I try to get you two together?” Marco teased. I gave him a look.

“Try what you want, man. I’m telling you, she doesn’t like me like that. She’s just a fan.”

~

Rose’s POV:

I sat in the hot tub, alone thankfully, and had my head tilted back as I let the warm water work out all my nervous kinks. I literally did nothing physical during my staging and my muscles hurt, my back hurt, my legs, my thighs, all because I worked myself up for something so simple! I needed to learn how to relax in these kinds of situations, but that bitch we call Anxiety rears her ugly ass head like ‘Bitch, you thought’ and just wrecks my body and my mind. For these reasons among many others, this was why I snuck a little, ahem, medicine into Dublin. Don’t ask me how I did it, I was just as shocked, believe me. I knew I shouldn’t have brought it, I could have gotten kicked off the show for it most likely, but thank god I had the good sense to get a medical card for it. I only ever smoked when I needed to de-stress, especially after something like the last two days, which wasn’t something super stressful, but in my fucked up mind, it was. Plus I was only an occasional smoker, if I did at all. But I knew I would be freaking out while I was here so I snuck a few joints, only ever smoking half or even less than that, just a little high to get the edge off.

“Hey.” I jumped as my peaceful state was shattered. I sighed and looked up as Marco and Alex came over, snickering. Marco slipped off his flip flops and dipped his feet in as he asked, “Why are you always so jumpy?”

I sighed, with a giggle, and said, “I just zone out and sometimes I’m not aware or it’s just unexpected. I told you, I’m fucked up.”

I giggled as Marco did as well, slipping into the water and sighing, sinking into the water until it reached his nose. Alex shook his head and pulled his shirt off as he kicked off his shoes. Good. Fucking. Lord, it took everything I had to not start drooling. I looked him over, quickly, looking away as fast as I could, but I saw Marco staring at me and I knew I was caught. I felt my cheeks heat as Alex slid in to join us, giving his own sigh of relief.

“They said you were from California, right?” Alex asked, turning to me. I looked at him and nodded with a rather proud smile.

“Yeah. I’m from Santa Clara. It’s not really a small town but almost no one knows where it is.” I said with a giggle.

“It’s not near San Diego, is it? I’ve been there a few times for Comic Con.” Alex said. I couldn’t help but laugh as I shook my head.

“No. It’s like almost a day’s drive from San Diego. But my aunt lives down there, so I’ve been a few times.” I said.

“Yeah? That’s cool. Have you ever been to Comic Con?” He asked. I gave a soft snort and shook my head.

“No. I’ve heard the tickets are super expensive, for one, and sell out almost immediately, for two. But I want to go so bad. I love meeting the celebs and seeing the cool cosplays. Some are really good for pictures.” I said. Alex raised an eyebrow and asked me, “You take pictures?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I went to SacAnime Con one year, up in Sacramento. Those were some of my best pictures, holy shit. There were some real spot on cosplays.” I said. His eyes practically glittered.

“What kind of camera do you have?” He asked. Marco groaned and dipped his head back. Alex shot him a look. “What?”

“Dude, you and your photography.” Marco chuckled.

“Hey, Photography is a fucking art, alright? You’ve either got the eye for it or you don’t.” I said, slightly defensive, but chuckling. Alex looked at me and smiled.

“Exactly! See?! She gets it!” Alex said, holding a hand out to me.

“She’s a photographer too! Of course, she does!” Marco laughed. Alex flipped him off as he turned to me. I giggled and answered his previous question, “I only have the camera I got for college. Canon EOS Rebel T3. Kind of shitty.”

“Canon is a good brand.” Alex said. “I have a 6D.”

“Yeah, I’ve seen it in some of your pictures on Instagram. It’s fucking gorgeous.” I said, with a soft sigh. Alex chuckled and slid closer as we dove into talk about cameras and our photography. We talked for what seemed like forever, but it had only been about 15 minutes.

“What kind of reflectors do you use?” He asked. I’m not sure why, but I blushed as I answered, “I don’t. I don’t use lights or reflectors at all. I use natural light and adjust my settings accordingly.”

He stared at me in shock. “Are you serious? I can’t even do that!” He said. I giggled and blushed even more. I’d been told before that shooting in natural light was a talent that you either had or you didn’t, so it wasn’t anything new to me, but for the fact that Alex was impressed made my heart flutter.

“God, you two are perfect for each other.” Marco muttered. Alex shot him a look but couldn’t hold back his chuckle. “What? I’m just saying. She’s as big a nerd about photography as you are. You’ve never met a girl like that before.”

“That’s because you really have to have a passion for photography to be good. You can’t just buy a point and shoot an call yourself a photographer.” Alex said. He turned to me and said, “I’d love to see your stuff sometime.”

“Well, I’m on Instagram. And I have a page on Facebook.” I said.

“I’ll have to grab it from you before we leave tonight. I’ll check it out in the room.” He said. I swear to God, I heard my heart burst. That or it stopped, either way.

“Y-yeah. Sure.” I said. Alex chuckled. 

“Alright. I’m getting into the pool. It’s getting to warm in here.” Marco said, pulling himself out. Alex glanced at him and nodded in agreement.

“You wanna come?” Alex asked. I sighed and gave a soft groan.

“I was really hoping not to get my hair wet.” I chuckled as I got out as well.

“We won’t dunk you or anything.” Alex said, taking his hair down and slipping his hair tie around his wrist. I shrugged and took mine down as well, shaking it out and tossing it over my shoulder.

“It’s fine. It’s gonna happen anyway.” I giggled. As we started walking to the pool, Marco and Alex started screwing around and eventually broke into a run, heading toward me. I quickly moved out of the way as they both jumped into the water, making a huge splash. I shook my head and laughed as they splashed around.

“You two are ridiculous, I hope you know that.” I said, popping my hip and crossing my arms. The boys chuckled and gave one more splash at each other.

“We know.” Alex said.

“Jump in!” Marco called. “Come on, it’s not that cold!”

“Oh, it’ll be cold. And it’s going to feel great.” I said.

“So jump in. Come on.” Alex said, splashing my feet. I squeaked at the cold and jumped back with a laugh. Alex swam to the edge and rested his chin on his fists. “Jump in.”

I sighed and got a little run going, jumping over him and splashing into the water, letting myself sink to the bottom before I kicked off, hard, popping up out of the water. I gave my head a small, quick shake, flicking the water out of my face before rubbing my hands over my face. I shivered and let out a soft moan from the shock of the cold water as I turned to the boys. They chuckled and I splashed them.

“Shut up. I’m sensitive to temperature changes, okay?” I said. Alex chuckled and kicked off the wall, swimming over to me. Marco smirked at him and hung back while we talked.

“Is this your first time in Dublin?” He asked as he floated over to me. I nodded.

“First time in Ireland, actually. I’ve wanted to visit here for years.” I said. Alex raised an eyebrow with a soft ‘Oh?’ I nodded and said, “Yeah. I’ve got some Irish in me and my grandpa’s family is from Stradone in County Cavan. It’s like...An hour away from Dublin? I’ve been dying to come here to see our family farm and get some pictures.”

“That would be cool. Maybe I can go with you on a day off or something. I’ve never really travelled outside Dublin or the set.” Alex said. I lit up a little and nodded.

“That would be awesome. Hopefully, I’ll still be here when you get a day off. I’m only in a few scenes for now so, I might leave soon.” I said with a shrug. Alex chuckled.

“Well, if they like what you do with the character and the chemistry and all that shit they might write you a bigger part.” Alex said. I swear my face turned pale and the thought.

“Oh, God. I can barely handle this! I don’t know if I want a bigger part!” I said with a fake whine and a soft giggle. Alex laughed and shook his head.

“Nah, don’t even worry. You’ll be fine. We can always run lines until your comfortable. It’s really about making sure you know the lines and can get down the action. The cameras and being on set becomes second nature. You tune it all out after a while.” He said. I shrugged and nodded with a soft laugh. He chuckled and started to swim around me in a circle, like a fucking water vulture. I giggled and began to spin with him, clasping my hands in front of myself and simply moving my legs to spin. It stopped him for a minute, utterly baffled and we both laughed before he continued, “So, you’re Irish? What else are you?”

“I’m basically European, to be honest. Irish, Italian, Scottish, German...I’ve even got a little Danish in me.” I said, wiggling my eyebrows at him.

“I bet you want a little more in you…” Marco said, quietly, but loud enough so I could hear him.

“Yeah, I do.” I responded, causing a surprised reaction from Marco and my mouth to snap shut and look at him in shock. Marco burst into laughter, nearly drowning himself, while Alex bit his lip to stop from doing the same, having heard everything. I was almost positive my entire body was flushed red as I slowly jellyfished my way to the ladder and quickly got out. “So, anyway…”

I made my way to my towel and wrapped myself up while Marco continued to die of drowning as he laughed and Alex chuckled, swimming to the edge and climbing out to follow me. I sighed and tied my hair up after wringing the excess water out.

“Rose…” I turned as Alex scooped up his towel, drying himself off. I gave a sigh and pasted on a smile. “He’s an idiot. He says stupid shit like that all the time.”

“Well, I usually have better control over what comes out of my mouth. So…” I said with a tilt of my head as I slipped on my flip flops and started to leave. Alex chuckled and jogged to catch up with me.

“Hey,” He touched my arm to stop me and turn me to him. “I say stupid shit like that too. And it’s gotten me into a lot more trouble.”

I gave him a soft laugh and shifted my towel to wipe the water droplets that trickled down my cheeks.

“Well, I’m sure you don’t get embarrassed easily, so…”

“Why was that embarrassing? It was all a joke. It’s kind of a big part of what we do behind the scenes. You said you like that shit.” He teased. I smiled and giggled. Alex chuckled and put an arm around my shoulders as we walked back inside. “Listen, don’t listen to Ilsø, okay? He’s an idiot. Probably as big an idiot as me, but whatever.”

We both chuckled and broke apart as we reached the elevators. I sighed and glanced down at my feet.

“I’m sorry. I’m just...Really-”

“Nervous?” He finished. I looked up at him as he wore that stupid grin on his face. I laughed, softly and nodded. 

“Yeah. Exactly.” I said as the doors opened. We both stepped inside and Alex pressed the button for our floor.

“Well, hey, if it helps, just hang out with us for a while. You’ll get used to us and we can run lines and stuff. If being around new people makes you nervous, then hang around until we aren’t new to you anymore.” He said. I shrugged.

“Sounds like a good idea. I’ve always said I wanted to hang out with you guys anyway.” I said. The doors opened and we got off, walking down the hall to our rooms.

“Really?” He asked, surprised. I giggled and nodded.

“Yeah. I’ve seen your guys’ stories and the videos and stuff, and it’s like half the time it’s stuff me and my friends do.” I said.

“So, you knew we would get along! Why are you so nervous?!” Alex asked, fake tackling me as he wrapped his arms around my waist and tickled me a little. I squealed and grabbed at his hands, trying to pry them away as we walked. Alex chuckled and let go of me as we reached my room.

“Because you guys are famous. I psych myself out, overthink. I’ve told you this already, many times, Alex.” I teased, swiping my room card and opening the door. Alex followed me in and I dropped my towel, rummaging through my bag for something to change into. Alex leaned against the doorway as I dug through.

“And now you know we’re just two big idiots and have nothing to be afraid of right?” Alex teased back. I gave him a look and pushed him out the door.

“Shut up.” I said. Alex snickered and turned to walk down the hall. I sighed and bit my lip, watching his backside as he left. Suddenly he stopped, after only a few steps and came back.

“Oh, hey, what was your Instagram and stuff? I really do want to check out your work.” He said. I chewed my lip before holding out my hand for his phone. He gave me a smirk and opened his Instagram before handing it to me. I typed in my photography handle and handed it back to him. He looked at the name and chuckled, clicking on it and pressing follow, then looked at me and said, “Jackson Rose?”

I shrugged and said, “I prefer to go by Rose.” Alex chuckled and nodded.

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He teased. He gave his phone a little wave and said, “Goodnight.”

“Night.” I said, leaning against the doorframe to watch him leave. I bit my lip and prayed that my time here would go smoothly, especially when it came to Alex.

~

Hope you guys liked it! Feel free to drop a comment! If you want to be tagged in future fics/chapters, let me know! I’ll add you to the list!

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oof. okay so imma do the latest tea???

got out of shower to hear my mum talkin to Agnes spillin the tea abt their friend/coworker

the one with that Kid my mum wanted to have a playdate with or whatever the annoyingly studious and clearskinned halfasian lookin girl i really envied.

her mum has a live in boyfriend who is basically like...an alcoholic mental case rip god i hate alcohol and i hate people who drink it like i only do it so i hate myself more and die but like this guy basically playin with knives n guns in the house and the kid who is like 19 idk why im callin her kid is so Over it like apparently she hasn’t been coming home and like

basically me in 2016 era when my mum was too generous n Helpful lettin ppl back into our lives and our House so i spent christmas morning 5am walkin in the cold n watchin 3 films until it got dark and stuff like that

girl be actin homeless---mood

so it came to a head today so Agnes is spillin the tea n her husband in the bg(omg it weird hearin him rip he was my military hs instructor wild) n my mUM is so selfrighteous n mad like

‘blablahblah well rosalie is being dumb she should put her daughter first she being sick in the head it her Choice’

n im like eavesdroppin havin warflashbacks of the dumb hypocrisy she has DOne lmao

‘has she no thought like what if Tyler gets raped/sexually abused by that man she’d let her daughter be in that environment???’

i mean it wouldnt be fair of me to be like...eyemoji on this cos she technically doesn’t know? but 19 may 2018 never4get lmao

anyway so my mum’s like our room is for rent and it’ll be far cheaper they dont even have to pay rn!!!

cue me being like...um...Money...generosity...i dont...LIke

i was conflicted here like idk i met the girl like 3-5 times im envious of her work ethic n her better asian disposition than mine cos she obviously prettier but she has better prospects and that’d suck if her life be like that

but also??? like...life be like that it was like that to me like who saved me????????????????????? 

um...no one

like why is that on me or US TO BE NICE n helpful im so tired like damn which is relevant to the next point anyway

cos earlier had a convo with my mum i was eyemojing healthcare profs i was like ‘pls stop bein on ye phone pls tell me info on ye opinion on respiratory therapists...what abt PA’

n deadass she be eyemojing me like STICK TO YOUR COURSE

n i was like...-ugly pleadin emoji eyes- n i was tryin to explain that i didn’t want to be so focused on one thing that if i decide this medical thing is what i want to pursue i’d need 1-2 years just for the PREREQS which is like 5 classes and 1000 clinical hours or minimum 6 month healthcare paid job. like if i decide i want to go to school for that i already have the Stuff and just Apply.

n she was like...you had your chance i bothered you to be a nurse a few years ago you were stubborn if you did as i said you’d be earning good money now but you wasted time

n i was like...oof i can’t say anything to that it’s tru. it real life tea it fax i wasted time n im old n im ruunnin out of time i hate myself alot i hate hate hate

and idk we got to talkin abt money n life cos she was like you have to find something you can learn to LOve

n i was like??? WHY I GOTTA SETTLE N FOOL MYSELF TO DO SO im super annoyed abt that mindset

cos the thing about a bloody Arts degree is there’s too fuckin many broad possibilities n they all aint even that good. like deadass if i was a STEM major ugh like if i was a Bio major prospects are so clear: forensics, research, premed,labtech. Meanwhile polsci for example: uhhh teacher? prelaw? politician? uhhh government work? n there’s like 111 different subdivisions of that n it’s like??? wat the fuck

deadass what am i gonna do with international security is that even gonna pay well like...the fuck do i know is it relevant ??? Doubts

n she was all like...PEOPLE JUST GOTTA DO WHAT THEY HAVE TO TO SURVIVE YOU GOTTA FIND YOURS N STICK WITH IT

n i was lowkey panique n frustrated cos i really REALLY hate being stuck in 1 ting n im like i HAD ACTING YOU SAID NO

n she was like pFF i wanted you to have something REAL cos if you dont make it in acting you’d be on the STREETS

n i was like...lmao lil did she know imma be on the streets next year smh this year actually

n she was like talkin abt the harsh reality of the workforce and how you gotta make do at how ppl treat you (patients) n how you might not even like your coworkers but you gotta deal with it because that’s what ppl do to survive

n she was talkin abt undeserving patients with no healthcare n i was like did you just hear yourself so you want them to die cos they dont got money and she was like 

no??? why get hooked up in the ICU when you’re braindead wasting government money taxes we payed for you don’t understand cos you dont have a job and dont get your salary cut cos of taxes and these people come in acting like they got something to give when they yell at your face acting like they know what they’re talking about they act entitled when they have nothing homeless ppl getting money and illegal immigrants are selfish bringing their kids to be hurt here

n im like...theyre life is ...shitty what are you talkin about n she was like so? why dont they stay and make it better??? one of my very first patients asked me why i was in america and i said i come from a poor country and they said why didn’t you stay and try to make it better? and i couldn’t say anything cos u know what they were right why dont illegal immigrants do that??? n im like...

cos theyre literally...RUNNIN and they want ppl they care abt i.e. children to be far away from that as soon as possible bruh ye think imma wait for change deadass there a reason why we suffer duterte he actually get shit done??? we dont have to wait for change the same way ppl who speak nice n are polite do but is stuck with bureaucracy and lowkey bein corrupt deadass stay in ye lane

n she’s like well i hope you’re right im done bein an idealist im a realist now i believed in good i wanted to help the world now no more

n im like...no you’re not a realist, you’ve just been hangin out with a republican

and she gave me a sideeye 

but deadass im ...scared like i really hate the empathy because when she was being serious n talkin n being honest abt things for once i started to unwillingly see things from her point of view i really felt it n i was scared i’ll be like that im scared she’s right

im scared i’ll end up Real n selfish like...i already am ? n bitter? like i care about so very few Personally and am willin to let others suffer to keep it safe n prioritised?

im scared.

like especially with racism all these years my mum’s been telling me it’s not that im racist just wait til you work with them they act so entitles and loud and make everything about race

n i almost told Her abt it earlier i skyped w her earlier we had a tea spillin moment about our ethnic relations bein racist but then idk we talked alot i guess the text got buried or unseen

like i said i was scared n didn’t get to unpack it like im scared because ive been livin with my roomate and like...ive been excusing it as a personality thing and that if it were anyone else different skin colour id still hate them just the same which i still maintain is true but like?

my RM is loud n she makes everything abt race like deadass me n my FM be just eating dinner and she passes by us and goes on a rant about harvard asians being a Blok to black ppl from getting There n im like...im tryna have dinner so i can get energy to deal with this stressful ass school

n she always talks like she knows what she’s talking about like ‘jewish ppl control the federal bank’ n im like...it 1am in the dark quiet of our shared room deadass i dont wanna tell the binch thats antisemitism cos she gonna be like im black how can i be racist smh

im!!! scared alright like i hate my roomate for proving my mum right when i try so hard to set things right like maybe that’s why i dont tell anyone about my situation other than Her. i never told my parents about the berkeley livin situation they already warn me enough to be careful n i just keep tellin them thats racist

i have so much........THOUGHTS n........DILEMMAS...n FEARS but like i just have this blog i cant trust anyone else to talk abt it n the only person i am willing to talk to abt it will be busy and im so ashamed abt these things but she was so sweet about givin me the heads up about her schedule 

like i hated that i had to get an ugly ass haircut today cos she came back to me n we couldve talked so i guess rip she was complacent n did stuff cos she replied late from then on like that dumbass haircut was 15 minutes ugh. our talkin pattern today was like...dashed lines timereply wise? i asked her if she packed earlier (pre haircut)n she said yes but rip a few hours later she was like...I need to pack 

wat is the truth rip

the tablet bein emo like...mood but my child rip.

my love be packin n spendin time with fam before leavin for london tomorrow

n even after that she doin...Stuff. rip.

which is ye know good for her rip.

i just hope she dont go iceskatin deadass one slip n she can crack her head open or break her neck or paralyse her spine like...??? why do humans wanna do dumb activities

like omg she admitted to me today she a serial jaywalker and WORSE with music n headphones like

binch thats why i didnt wanna enable you further by gettin ye airpods deadass bye

n she was like??? tryna equate it with my risky risk like ummm

mine is for science n validity

hers is just carelessness n chosin lazy convenience over idk...the responsibility of self vigilance like...

bruh ppl shouldnt promise someone 91 years if they be continuin to do dumb stuff consciously oof rip

but other than that like...im...really proud of this resolution she be undertakin officially on the 14th?

im nervous abt it cos i really want it for her too. i want her to get the proper sleep n i always hated her givin excuses like ‘IM FINE ON 4 HOURS OF SLEEP’ ‘I NAPPED 3 HOURS 38293820 HOURS AGO IM FINE I MADE UP FOR IT’ um...blokt. get proper sleep binch i love you tf???

prioritise work cos ye gonna regret not givin it yer all??? n ye payin for this???

what fun??? we capitalists now we want that money rip.

i see that shift you know rip i saw it comin a year ago.

that dont mean we republicans rip we still care about others n the inequality? but like i foresaw us getting acquainted with the harsh reality of the world n how difficult it is to get a job--which she experienced along the way.

n rip she wants many things bookmarkin them n honestly same rip

i want a stable warm home for this family n a shiny diamond to get disassociated by extra im a simple man

meanin im selfish n im ready to prioritise meanin im ready to make the choice for others to fall apart/behind if it means puttin This first rip

god pls dont make me a republican this so ugly

# 1 she’d hate me #2 i’d hate me

now im sad

im dead.

omg rip earlier too as she said goodbye i told her i loved her and she was like ‘i love you more’

DEADASS I WAS LIKE LMAO!!! girL i dont think you understand im literally Ready to put you and our possible future First like...im not messin around what skitrips with rich ppl what friends my love is potent n extreme n COncentrated like im sorry ik you feel love for me but you cant top This rip she not ready 

like the um ‘partially wanna make my life’s work abt knowin what might hurt n kill ye so i can kill it first or blok it well’ kinda love

the ‘im already savin for at least HALF a first month deposit in an overpriced london in case you wanna settle down wit me Mayhaps n im not touching it for ANYTHING’ kinda love

the ‘im thinking of a winter home in the tropics so you suffer less n im plannin the floorplans already rip just in case’ kinda extraness

but anyways the gall of this cute lovely human rip ‘i love you more’ ummm try Again smh

bruh i love her too much i bet that’s scary for her rip it might be a Burden tbh she so young rip 

meanwhile im old n ready to rot but like...

i wanna be mortal wit ye before i do

but ye know wat lads i saw myself in the mirror today like 5 times OOF. this meatform...keepin me...Humble. 

bitter but like...humble

‘like of course sHe not ready not only is my personality like dis but also...my outward form how could she introduce me as a Spouse’

‘wow i look like that oof it good i remembered i am undeservin of full intense love like in the films n fanfiction they always between attractive ppl after all it only 1/2 it not Equal’

‘wow bruh ye really upset she spendin time n resources elsewhere when you be lookin like That? ye dont have much to offer bro take the L’

oof so that’s the personal tea i can think of?

had a meghan marke talk rip i can’t believe i was right??? i had twin vibes!!! but i was hoping for like a variety situation rip im worried a lil abt the whole birthin Late ting but she can afford the highest care rip it fine she rich.

my love was talkin abt how pretty MM was n i was like rip is she triggerin Her a lil rip worrirooni

rip speakin of babies like she was showin me this smol gummybear n im like same das me heart n she was like :( n i was like it only fits you

n she was like so no children then:(

n i was like!!! rip if it Ours of course that Counts n i was a lil shook like rip she said she didn’t want them Really so i always get guilty when i talk abt the future or realise i mentioned kids or carelessly name drop Hyaline n Benzion like...im dead rn just typin that like what if she read this big shame bro

but ye know what this is already long n she gonna be busy maybe that’s the key. TOo Much puts ppl OFF so ye mayhaps we sneaky ! ?

anyway i was tryin to get her thoughts on it rip but like she was all iDK ASK ME IN 13 Yrs n i was like...

sighemoji + sandemoji + resignedemoji

rip we talked FAaC a lil. cos she Dared!!! to liken me to her brother just cos i showed her my cheap youth boy shoes smh

At first i was super offended n disgusted but then i was like rip eyemoji if ye into that

then she was like ew nO

then i was like um ye already play the ‘daddy u like me young huh’ card

which is like idk is like technically? joking but it’s like that post ye know abt ppl bein ‘whether or not im actually jokin or flirtin depends if you into it’ but also like schrodingers racism like ‘it was a joke bro!!!’ but they actually bigots.

so it DIFFICULT for my brain to Confirm rip like...eyemoji what is the truth

but like??? im rip. willin. rip. to. rip. Try. rip.?

really i am rip. it Her. bruh. im only hopin she dont have a golden shower kink but. trust i...Will follow thru.

nO IM REMEMBERIN THE DOO DOO POST DESPAIR

rip anyway that whole thing reminded me of FAaC origins which was porn n then somehow sHe was like imagine if egggsy was a singer he’d sing like ‘age is just a number’ shit n i SPILLED THE TEA ABOUT A TING IN PT 3 im so weak sand

i miss the gays

i wanna give them justice n happiness but the 2027 excuse is rl nice for my ugly procrastination issues oof but i wish them well

add: rip had another talk with my mum i really wanted her to understand my thought process about wanting to get the prereqs for medtraining done beforehand

n she was like...I UNderstand but Normal people--

n i was like ‘IM NOT NORMAL I DONT KNOW HOW TO CHOOSE I HAVE NO IDENTITY’

n she’s just like SHOOKE n mad n clearly dont understand that im fukt up in the head ‘...IC AN’T BELIEVE YOU!!! iF YOU’RE ABNORMAL YOU WONT GET HIRED N YOU WONT HAVE A NICE JOB’

n im like...well i mean what can i say to that it’s not like it’s not tru rip

Big sand honestly.

it gonna be a long few days imma do my best to leave her alone she needs her time rip i love her so much rip sand

i feel like a dumb ugly dog god fljækadfkøad h8

ALL THE 80’S MOVIE ASKS DO EM ALL

OMG BABE TSYM

And @adora-milaje thank you for asking toooo my bud I’ll just put all the answers here :)

Bill and ted’s excellent adventure: Are you more of an optimist or pessimist?

More of an optimist I think! Like, I’m not wholly irrational, I don’t completely inflate my expectations, but I also can’t help looking forward to stuff or just hoping that it goes well. I find the idea of constantly expecting the worst just super depressing. Like yeah you’re technically “never disappointed” but you also don’t get the excitement of anticipation? I dunno.

Back to the future: Which decade in the last century would you most have liked to live in?

I mean tbh as far as basic civil rights go the 20th Century was largely a catastrophe but purely for fashion/film/music purposes I would rock the 1980s.

The breakfast club: Which high school stereotype do you fit into best?

UMMM I have no idea tbh. Like, nerd but a nerd who’s bad at maths? Idk.

Ferris bueller’s day off: What’s your guilty pleasure?

There’s this one coffee shop that I practically live in, like well enough that I know the owner now, and it’s not exactly a “guilty” pleasure but I’ve definitely spent far more money there than I should have haha

Footloose: Who did you last dance with?

When I went clubbing with a bunch of friends to celebrate the end of exams! So my future housemate Becky and a bunch of my other close friends :)

The goonies: What was the last thing to make you laugh?

Just 20 minutes ago I was laughing at my friend James while we played Portal 2 co-op. He died. He died so much.

The outsiders: Why is your best friend your best friend?

OH MAN this is so hard cause like, there are multiple people I’d consider my best friends. My friend Lizzie I’ve known since I was two, she’s so easy to talk to, she cheers me up no matter what, I just feel completely comfortable in her company. My friend Nat I met this year at uni and we have so many similar interests, she’s one of the coolest, funniest people I’ve ever met and we just clicked super quickly. My friend Lucia has been with me through so much difficult shit, she cares so much for me and it’s so lovely. My friend Cosi I can go without seeing for a year and then feel like no time has passed when we next speak.

The lost boys: Would you rather be immortal or objectively beautiful to everyone?

Objectively beautiful??? I’m vain as hell and I think immortality is more of a curse than a blessing tbh

Labyrinth: What’s the relationship with your siblings like?

Great! I love my little brother so much. He’s a dumbass but he’s my dumbass, and really surprisingly respectful for a 14 year old boy. He’s my person to yell about nintendo stuff to, it’s awesome.

The karate kid: When did you last have to work really hard to achieve something you’re proud of?

One of the things I’m most proud of recently is getting my Camp America placement! I had to do three interviews and fill out a huge application, and it’s for a job that is literally a dream come true for me, so I’m super happy I got it! Only two weeks until I head out to New Hampshire now!!

Stand by me: Why did you last go on a road trip?

I really haven’t been on that many road trips tbh. You can drive the length of England in like less than a day. I guess technically the last thing was when I drove back up to uni after the Easter holidays haha

Pretty in pink: What’s your signature ‘look’?

I Do Not Have One hahaha. I swap between styles pretty much constantly. I have an insane number of button up shirts so I’m either high-key flannel lesbian or quite feminine skirt/dress type clothes, totally depends on my mood. I guess the most “signature” thing I own is my dungarees? I wear them a looooot.

Drugstore cowboy: Which historical figure most spikes your interest?

Bruh I’m a history student this is a dangerous question hahaha. Big fan of ALL the Russian tsars, especially Catherine the Great, and Nicholas I. Also love a bit of Otto von Bismarck. Charles II was a mad lad and I love him for it. James I was gay as shit and I respect that. And who doesn’t love Louis XIV? The Viking leader Guthrum was pretty snazzy too y’know I respect him. I really could keep going hahaha.

Ghostbusters: Where were you when you watched your favourite movie for the first time?

Bold of you to assume I have just one favourite movie lol. The one that comes to mind though is when I first watched Inception at my friend Lizzie’s house! Fuckin love that movie so much.

Sixteen candles: At which age do you consider a person to be mature?

Totally depends on the person, and also what you mean by mature. Like anywhere from sort of 15-18 you can start talking to someone like an adult, people start forming more personal/informed opinions about the world, making decisions about their future, but they’re also still children in so many ways. I was dumb as shit at 15 but I also really wasn’t a baby anymore either. It’s a weird age period.

Dirty dancing: Where were you when you first heard your favourite song?

OOOH again, favourite song SINGULAR? One of the songs I treasure the most (Disloyal Order/FOB) I was in the kitchen doing my art coursework, this huge intricate batik thing, and it was the first time I listened to folie a deux and I totally lost focus on my art, I just sat there drinking in this song, every word felt so perfect, ugh I love it

Better off dead: Why did you last laugh so hard it reduced you to tears?

SO I was drunk off my ass, a group of us had gone for cocktails, and my friend Nat showed me that meme of pitbull stretched really big that’s just captured “mr wide” and I lost my SHIT, literally laughed for ten straight minutes, tears streaming down my face, it was the purest joy I’ve ever felt haha

Heathers: Did you apologise the last time you were unreasonably mean?

Yes? I think so. Hard to pinpoint the last time I was mean to someone for no reason, but I tend to feel guilty very quickly and I already say sorry every third word so...

Parenthood: Is there anyone you’re not biologically related to that you consider ‘family’?

I’ve name dropped her a lot already but my friend Lizzie is basically my sister haha. My friend Freya has been calling herself my sister for six years and she pretty much is by now too.

Permanent record: Where were you the last time you told someone you loved them?

I was in right here in bed, texting my girlfriend Maya haha. I guess the last time I said it to someone’s face was last Saturday before she left to go back home, and that was outside her block.

St. Elmo’s fire: What’s one piece advice you would give to someone two years younger than yourself?

A) You are not a grown-up yet, please go easy on yourself you still have so so much growing to do! B) You don’t have to know your passion yet, you don’t have to figure out your whole life at sixteen. There are a lot of things you don’t have control over right now and that’s frustrating and shitty but believe me it gets so much better. Hang in there.

Dangerous liaisons: Which language would you most like to learn?

French or Greek! French because I studied for-fucking-ever but I never got close to fluent (admittedly because I’m impatient as hell haha) and Greek because it’s the language my dad speaks and I wish he’d taught me when I was younger!

Rumble fish: Who do you look to for guidance in times of need?

My mum! I’ve always been able to go to her for help and advice which has been really great, although certainly more recently there’ve been times I’ve rather asked my close friends for comfort too.

E.T.: What’s one ‘weird’ feature that you love about yourself?

Nothing particularly quirky or different about me. My eyes are different colours which I’ve always thought was pretty cool!

Young guns: What’s one style that you love on others, but would never try yourself?

Literally EVERYTHING my girlfriend wears oh my god she is a fashion queen and I’m so shook every time I see her. She fucking rocks fishnet tights and idk if I’m feeling that look for myself but she looks AMAZING.

Oxford blues: Why did you last pretend to be something you’re not?

I guess the last time I was really pretending to be someone was before I came out to my parents. It never felt like a big deal until I came to uni and actually had the chance to express myself and feel comfortable doing it, then it felt like I was constantly lying to them.

Dead poet’s society: The last time you made a decision that everyone around you told you not to make, how did it work out?

Surprisingly, I’ve not done anything stupid enough recently for people to all tell me it’s a bad idea? Huh.

I was tagged by: @rebel-eds , thanks for giving me something to do B 💓

1. last drink?: Shitty imitation coffee. 

2: last phone call?: my mommy.

3. last text message?: "okay mommy" you can only guess who i sent it to.

4. last song you listened to?: Best Friends by Grandson. (Its a banger beatbi suggest everyone give it a listen)

5. last time you cried?: Thusday night last week.

6. dated someone twice?:  Yes, and i was mistaken both times.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: I kissed a guy who only kissed me to date my mom.

8. been cheated on?: Yeah actually, and the kicker was that it was an irl relationship between me and this person and they cheated on me with someone from across the country... So.

9. lost someone special?: Not really?

10. been depressed?: Oooooh boy.

11. gotten drunk and thrown up?:  Story time! Ive been black out drunk, once. I invited my current bf over for some video games (we had been dating for like a month maybe) and i thought "boy imma get stupid and put the moved on him" drank 2 things of box wine to myself (1 box is equal to 4 glasses of wine lol) ended up getting sick really fast and left my bf to watch my younger 2 siblings while i threw up. Thats all i remember. (I think i also tried to shave my legs?)

Fave colors

12. Green (every single shade)

13. Black, like oil black so its not as dark.

14. Like a dusty brown yellow color.

in the last year have you…

15. made new friends?:  I think so? I hope so cause theres alot of people on here i just recently met that im already considering my friends.

16. fallen out of love?: Yes... Honestly its the saddest feeling in the world.

17. laughed until you cried?: I did that last night over the fact i said i wanted to become a professional hotdog juicer.

18. found out someone was talking about you?: Yeah, im a snoopy bitch.

19. met someone who changed you?: Oh yes, some of them were for the better, but this one person im thinking in particular... I wish he would stop.

20. found out who your friends are?: Yeah actually, i moved and alot of the people i considered "friends" started talking crap, and alot of the people i just considered stuck up for me.

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list?: Does my mom count?

general:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl?: Like a solid 80% of them, others are people i briefly met at cons or whatever.

23. do you have any pets?: I have 2 kitties! My sisters fat cat Juno and my demon Leia.

24. do you want to change your name?: Not really, i feel like ive got a pretty cool name.

25. what did you do for your last birthday?: I cried and threw up on myself lol.

26. what time did you wake up today?: 8:46 am i remember because i wooe up amd the first thought i had was: "if i dont get up the carrots will attack."

27. what were you doing at midnight last night?: Editing my fic and watching School of Rock.

28. what is something that you can’t wait for?: I have a sad life thats going nowhere so i have nothing to look forward to.

30. what are you listening to right now?: California Dreamin' by The Mamas and Papas.

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom?: I worked for a guy named Tom. Tom was an asshat.

32. something getting on your nerves?: The fact that im not aloud to sing or dance around the hoyse anymore.

33. most visited website?: Tumblr lol.

34. hair color?: I had purple hair before i dyed it brown, so its kinda like orangy brown with a tint of pink.

35. long or short hair: This is a hard question because my hair is a mega floof. So it looks short but when i flat iron it its fairly long.

36. do you have a crush on someone?: Honestly.... I think so.

37. what do you like about yourself?:  Im not a huge fan of my outsides (my appearance) but i love my insides. I think im hella funny, and goofy but i know im not very pleasant to look at. But thats okay ☺

38. want any piercings: I already have my snake bites and 2 holes in each ear, but im dying to have my bellybutton, eyebrow, and either my nipples or tongue done. (Maybe a double helix UGH i dont know)

39. blood type: i think im AB positive?

40. nicknames: Jae, JJ, Jada, Scoob, scooberndude, bug, beb, moose, little angry one, you.  

41. relationship status: Taken.

42. zodiac: imma Capricorn.

43. pronouns: I mostly go by They/them, but im okay with her/she too.

44. fave tv show: Ive re-discovered 'Dan vs. Everything' and im in love.

45. tattoos: ive got 4, 1 on my left arm, 2 of my right. And one on the back of my neck (i should just face reveal and show them honestly i get asked about them so much)

46. right or left handed: left handed (imma diamond in the rouge)

47. ever had surgery: GOD NO.

48 . piercings: Yep like i said before. Ove got 6, my snake bites and 2 in each ear.

49. sport: I USE to play baseball amd hockey. (I was also on a roller derby team if that counts)

50. vacation: I haven't been on vacation since i was 8.

51. trainers: No.

more general

52. eating: I was told that you should drink water 20 minutes before eating, because dehydration can feel like hunger. I started doing that like a week ago and ive eaten maybe 4 times since 😂

53. drinking: Water 😎 (hydration is sexy, yall should go get some)

54. im about to watch: myself post this amd regret it.

55. waiting for: my mom to get home so i can come put of my room.

56. want: More records.

57. get married? After some consideration, probably not ever gonna happen.

58. career: i dunno yet, i just know i wanna go to film/art school!

59. hugs or kisses: keeses 😙

60. lips or eyes: The eyes.

61. shorter or taller: i dont really mind either, evidentally though its always tall because im short as fuck.

62. older or younger: Still doesnt really matter to me, as long as they aint a pedo.

63. nice arms or stomach: Arms, because i love being held.

64.  hookup or relationship: a relationship where you pretend not to know each other and "hook up"

65. troublemaker or hesitant: im not really either? Like im not very shy, but im not so far out there that i get in trouble.

66. kissed a stranger: Thats how you get hepatitis.

67. drank hard liquor: Yes, i still would but i get hella nervous about it (im a stoner not a drinker eeeeh)

68. lost glasses: yep! Thats why i dont have them now.

69. turned someone down: Not really. No one has ever asked me out before :/

70. sex on the first date: im a hoe and proud, but this is a major no no.

71. broken someones heart: i think so... But they broke all of me first.

72. had your heart broken: Ive had alot more than just my heart broken.

73. been arrested: Yes i was arrested when i was 9.

74. cried when someone died: Ive been crying over David Bowie for 2 years now, yes.

75. fallen for a friend: This is the only way i can get into a relationship

do you believe in…

76. yourself: Yes! I can do the thing!

77. miracles: Sadly no, ive never had one happen for me.

78. love at first sight: Kinda? Like it starts out as "i wanna punch your face in" at first site, and THEN i fall in love.

79. santa clause: yes because my papa is santa.... I seen it.

80. kiss on a first date: i always barf if someone tries to kiss me on the first date. (Not because it grosses me out but because i got bad anxiety lol)

81. angels: Absolutly because all my friends are angels 💓

82. best friend’s name: I... I dont have one? (Does my twin count? Her name is Dawn)

83. eye color: Green!

84. fave movie: Probably Pretty in Pink.

85. fave actor: Lesie motherfucking Jones! This girl is amazing, she went to an art school in Colorado for a basketball scholarship and ended up in theater and on SNL instead. I aspire to be cool enough to earn my way onto SNL.

I should tag some peepes: @trashmouthmissy @spaghetti-head-eds , @thegreatwhiteferret , @beepbeepbongoboyy , and anyone else who wants to do this can and tag me saying i tagged you 😎

I Made, I Ate, I Reviewed: Idiot-Proof Chili and Chicken from NYT & Cookies Pulled Out of My Ass

Before quarantine started, I would regularly write weekend to-do lists that in retrospect seem to have encapsulated the most ambitious pursuits of the person I wanted (or thought I wanted) to be. Among the usual asterisks to populate the to-do list were art projects using natural ingredients like coconut flour to make Play-Doh and turmeric to dye it (it turns out from the dikes of quarantine that I have no interest in becoming this mother), the lofty desire to read at least 10 of the stories I had Pocketed the week prior (I’d probably still do this if I weren’t spending more time on my computer, with even more time to actually read at will), some version of a tidying exercise be it for bookshelves, my closet, a pantry, and there was always–always–a plea to cook something.

Whenever I’d set out to cook, though, a deluge of excuses would interrupt the effort: We’re going for dinner. Don’t waste the chicken. You just had lunch. Can you even make pasta? You hate instructions. You want to bake? Don’t buy the ingredients. And on. What I am realizing now is that cooking is not so different from fashion in that anyone can do it. From the outside, it seems so damn intimidating, like it’s impossible to break in, but eventually, you realize the only barrier to entry is yourself. To be into fashion, you just have to be proud that you like to wear clothes, then wear them. To get good at cooking, you just have to try. Then you keep trying and definitely fuck up, over and over, until you learn the language and boom: a new skill is born.

I’m still in the “over and over” phase of learning to cook, but let me just tell you, it is way less soul-crushing than I thought it would be. All I’m really doing is chopping shit up, then assembling it and turning on fire. Really, that’s it. To be clear, I am also exclusively making only very easy recipes, the most noteworthy of which I am sharing below–two from the New York Times and one I pulled from my ass. Not literally, which feels important to acknowledge in the context of consumable goods. I will apologize in advance for the shitty photos. One of the ways I know I’m not ready to be a food blogger is because I keep forgetting to make fancy plate-scapes before actually eating the thing. The only one I have, in fact, is the feature image of this story–a visual non sequitur given that none of the recipes below call for charred broccoli, steamed spinach, or a Meyer lemon and tarragon-seasoned turkey breast. I can tell you more in the comments if you want, but in the meantime, y’all ready 4 this:

The dish: 30-Minute vegetarian skillet chili

The recipe: Put oil in a skillet (I used a frying pan), heat at medium-high, sauté onion for 5-7 minutes then add garlic, chili powder, and oregano (I didn’t do this last one; replaced with smoked Spanish paprika instead) for 1-2 minutes longer. Add beans, tomatoes, and some salt, and let it all simmer for 20 minutes.

The thing I fucked up: There was a call to pickle onions, which I did not do. I also didn’t have diced tomatoes, so instead I used tomato sauce, which didn’t make a significant difference, but it would have been nice to taste those chunks, less favored and probably waterier (the sauce was kind of creamy). Also, I went ham on smoked Spanish paprika, which I added as a deviation from the recipe, and I would recommend such hamming to anyone else.

But overall: It was stickier in consistency and appearance than I hoped it would be, but we finished 6 servings among 3 people (counting Madelaur as 1) in the span of a meal. So either they were hungry, or it was good; I choose to believe the latter.

The dish: 30-Minute easy chicken curry

The recipe: Put *neutral* oil in a skillet (again, I used a pan) and turn heat to medium-high. Add onions a minute later (peeled! And! Sliced! But I think I wish I had diced them), with salt and pepper. Cook for 15 minutes, then add two teaspoons of curry powder until one minute later when you throw in a can of coconut milk (do not include the meat that coagulates at the top of the can!). Stir for 2 minutes, then add the chicken (I diced it), and stir it for 3 to 6 minutes. Finally, you’re supposed to add tomatoes and cook for another minute, but I didn’t have any tomatoes so I added arugula instead.

The thing I fucked up: Originally, I attempted this recipe with coconut oil instead of a “neutral” oil because I didn’t think I had canola or grapeseed oil and fucked up the first batch of onions I chopped. Then as it turned out, I had canola spray, so I used that for round 2 and it worked. The one thing I’ll say is that 15 minutes was too long to cook the onions–I did closer to 10 minutes and think it turned out fine. Also, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to include the coconut meat in the can of milk because I am new to this shit and do not excel in the department of common sense. I decided against it, which I think was right, it seemed like it would chunk shit up in an unhelpful way.

But overall: The arugula was a nice add–in the curry and as a garnish. I topped it with a little more salt when the chicken was done cooking. Overall: this tasted, looked, and went down exactly how I hoped it would.

The dish: 30-Minute very boring cookies

Before I get into it, let me just say: My husband is very high maintenance. Not in a fancy-car, flashy-watch, buy-me-a-yacht kind of way, but when it comes to his health, he will spend just about anything it costs to have a healer or shaman or nutritionist or acupuncturist who has never met him much less proven they know how to evaluate the gallons of bloodwork he has contributed over the years tell him what to eat. Or more aptly: what not to eat. Most recently, the exhaustive list he’s deposited in my lap (in an effort to suspend migraines) includes: grains (all of them–the migraine nograine diet?), sugar, dignity, soy, dairy, tomatoes, joy, cucumbers, eggplant, cashews, happiness. The list goes on.

Last week, I planned to make grain-free, dairy-free, sugar-free banana bread, using a 4-ingredient recipe that I’d seen in an Instagram Story, consisting of banana, maple syrup, eggs, oats, and fine, ingredient #5: baking soda. I replaced the oats with almond flour, added Hu Kitchen cacao chunks and a spoon full of peanut butter and poured the batter in a muffin tin because I don’t have a loaf tin, then put them in the oven for 25 minutes, took them out, and let me tell you, those damn bread muffins were good. And amenable! Or so I thought. When I was asked to recite the ingredients to my nutritional dependent, he all but spit as the word “eggs” burped from my throat. Add them to the insufferable list of things he can’t eat eyyy vwala, here we are. On made-up recipe street with a second, sad attempt at something sweet to ingest, c/o:

The recipe: Two flax eggs (I Googled egg replacement, found a recipe for flax eggs and made them–all it takes is 1 tablespoon of ground flax seeds mixed with 3 tablespoons of water to make one)

Two bananas

½ cup of chia seeds in ½ cup of water (I used boiling water so the seeds would sprout instantaneously)

1½ cups of almond flour

A generous pour of maple syrup over the above ingredients

And then you mix, mix, mix your anger out. Mix, mix, mix your anger out. Mix, mix, mix your anger out, then wiggle and waddle away.

On top of these ingredients, I added a handful of a medley of sunflower and pumpkin seeds and walnuts and chocolate chips.

Instead of baking these in my muffin tins, I plopped them down like cookies on a baking tray, then let them sizzle in my oven at 350 degrees for 29 minutes.

The thing I fucked up: Nothing! The beauty of inventing a recipe is that you can’t fuck up following the instructions because you made them, dammit.

And overall: They are a silver lining of quarantine–second only to one that included repurposing gym shorts as leisure shorts and sock as shoes. And, fine, these–everything but the kitchen sink:

Booooaaawne app-uh-teet!

The post I Made, I Ate, I Reviewed: Idiot-Proof Chili and Chicken from NYT & Cookies Pulled Out of My Ass appeared first on Man Repeller.

I Made, I Ate, I Reviewed: Idiot-Proof Chili and Chicken from NYT & Cookies Pulled Out of My Ass published first on https://normaltimepiecesshop.tumblr.com/ I Made, I Ate, I Reviewed: Idiot-Proof Chili and Chicken from NYT & Cookies Pulled Out of My Ass published first on https://mariakistler.tumblr.com/

i already felt like needing to vomit during class cause i was anxious about my project then someone made an incredibly transphobic comic for class where someone was spying on a drag queen and then freaked out when they realized it was a guy and drew it so disgustingly fetishistic and obviously clocking the drag queen or trans woman or whatever so that was the first shitty thing to go wrong

then when i showed my comic to the class, of course i was the last person so no one wanted to participate by then but the few people critiquing only ever brought up negative things to say they said that all the shit i did like sparkles and the broken broom was unnecessary and and i got no positive comments or even a “nice job” everyone just fucking tore into my comic and i spent so long on it i worked so hard to make it look good and i was so fucking proud of it and now im just disgusted in it and im angry and bitter 

my art wasnt even bad like i thought my work was one of the better comics but i got no positive feedback and the critique only took 2 minutes and i feel so fucking angry and upset and im crying like a fucking baby because of it

its not even like i cant take a critique i love critiques and hearing feedback but everything was so negative and they basically told me they didn’t like it and even the professor didn’t say anything about it and i feel like i dont deserve this much of a negative response when i did so much better than some people in the class who still got good feedback

like the person who did the transphobic comic got like 15 minutes of critique and lots of people talked about their work good and bad but i got 2 minutes of just being torn into without any reinforcement and just rushed in to finish critique so class could be over and i cant handle that i spent HOURS planning it and cleaning up the lines and making sure it was perfect and i still wasnt good enough

Tag Games ♡

OK JULS HERE WE GO  i’m in the mood omfg it’s gonna be long. @ttaewo​ you ask for this.

NINE THINGS ABOUT ME RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE and happy FAVOURITE COLOURS: yellow and very toxic green PETS: i used to have fish but they all die so nope, only my lil’ sis’ (héhé) WAKE-uP TIME:  MY BODY SEEMS TO HAVE AN INNER ALARM AT 8 AM RECENTLY #LITTERALYFML THIS IS HOLIDAYS CATS OR DOGS: ... both ? really both. CHAPSTICK OR LIPSTICK: LIPSTICK (chateau wine colooor)(lalala) LAST SONG I LISTENED TO: You never walk alone - BTS

RANDOM TAG GAME: rules: go to this website: www.random.org/lists and pick 15 of your bias/faves 1. MUM/DAD: Jisoo (FUNNY TIMES) 2. SIBLING: Kihyun (omg my sassy bro... love this) 3. GRANDMA/GRANDPA: Hwasa (MY GRANNY IS FUCKING COOL ANS SMEXY) 4. HAUNTS YOU: Mark Tuan ( i would be so pleased but lowkey afraid with all this little giggle) 5. GIRLFRIEND/BOYFRIEND: Amber (.........i’ve been blessed) 6. YOUR EX: Jaehyun (LMAO) 7. YOUR BEST FRIEND: The8 ... (OMG COOL BESTIE) 8. PROPOSED TO YOU: Jongup (ofc.. i mean.. yeah) 9. YOUR BOSS: Lisa !!! 10. RANDOM PERSON YOU MEET AT THE BAR: Yugyeom (JUST AFTER BOWLING LOL) 11. RIVAL: Wonho (oh man i’m in deep shit) 12. FIRST KISS: Jungkook (rfdjsk CUTE) 13. SUGARHIGH AND SINGING KARAOKE: Namjoon (!!!!! itwouldbesofunimdying) 14. PLAYED 7 MINUTES IN HEAVEN WITH: Taehyung (..oh my..) 15. GAVE YOU YOUR FAVOURITE DESSERT: Suga (ok this is so funny. SUGA give me my fav DESERT)(WOUHHH)(*cough* cookie *cough*)

5 COOL FACTS: rules: give out 5 interesting, strange, weird, cool, dope af, bizarre facts about yourself. it can be absolutely anything! and then tag 10 people that you’d like to know more about! keep it going! ❤️ 1. i spoke to myself a lot and when i’m in the street i sometimes pretend i’m on the phone 2. i have a birthmark pretty cool but pretty huge on my groin (i think it’s the name of it but not sure) 3. i have a tattoo 4. i have no shame 5. i did a voguing-dance-battle one day in front of a crowed it was a queer party in Porto and I legit start to dance in the middle of a crowed even if i didn’t knew shit about voguing. i didn’t win but i did it and i’m so proud of it lmao

TOP 15 KPOP SONGS OF 2016: (in no specific order) 1. Monster, EXO 2. Highlight, Seventeen 3. How’s that, HyunA 4. Save Me, BTS 5. Lie, BTS Jimin 6. Awake, BTS Jin 7. Begin, BTS Jungkook 8. Boys Meet Evil, BTS J-hope 9. The Last, Agust’D 10. MOBB 빨리 전화해 (HIT ME) (Feat. KUSH) 11. January (Feat. YDG) - 빈지노 (Beenzino) (not kpop but still) 12. Monsta X - All In 13. Monsta X - Fighter 14. B.A.P - Killer 15. Vain hope(희망고문) - NELL(넬) (again not kpop but STILL)

GET TO KNOW ME TAG: rules: answer the questions in a new post and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better TAGGED BY: @ttaewo​ thanks NICKNAME: morguy, momo, mo, mori, mogo etc... GENDER: female STAR SIGN: vleo HEIGHT: 166cm TIME RIGHT NOW: 10:45am LAST THING GOOGLED: groins english FAVOURITE BANDS: BTS, NELL, Moderat, Simple Minds, Massive Attack, Mansionair, Monsta X, Exo.... A LOT I DON’T KNOW FAVOURITE SOLO ARTISTS: HA:TFELT, AMBER, LUNA, Sevdaliza ... I DON’T HAVE A FAV I’M SORRY SONG STUCK IN YOUR HEAD: Nell - Vain Hope... LAST MOVIE WATCHED: I DON’T REMEMBER LAST TV SHOW YOU WATCHED: F*cking Hwarang WHEN DID YOU CREATE YOUR BLOG: 2012 ! WHAT KIND OF STUFF DO YOU POST: meme, aesthetic, thoughts, shitty selfie, kpop WHEN DID YOUR BLOG REACH ITS PEAK: idk? DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER BLOGS: YES DO YOU GET ASKS REGULARLY: NO NEVER lmao, no one give a shit about me lmao WHY YOU CHOSE YOUR URL: ohhh hm, first it was “ihauntedbambismom” then i saw a funny ad about lady cigarette named ladybecool so it was it and recently i changed it because it was funny...... FOLLOWING: 473 POSTS: 7,480 HOGWARTS HOUSE: SLYTHERIN AND PROUD POKEMON TEAM: i don’t know nor i care ? FAVOURITE COLOURS:  yellloooowwww AVERAGE HOURS OF SLEEP: 5-7 hours (same juls) LUCKY NUMBERS: 8 FAVOURITE CHARACTERS: me WHAT ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW: my pj litteraly a pink velvet pyjama. HOW MANY BLANKETS DO YOU SLEEP WITH: 2 DREAM JOB: working in the music industry (kpop?) as an art director DREAM TRIP: south korea....

ALPHABETICAL TAG GAME: A - AGE: 22 B - BIGGEST FEAR: dark C - CURRENT TIME: 10:55 am D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: hot water (DON’T JUDGE ME CATHY IF U READ THIS) E - EVERY DAY STARTS WITH: opening my laptop F - FAVOURITE SONG: ... i don’t know it change all the time G - GHOSTS, ARE THEY REAL?: yup there is one in my room i talk to them sometimes H - HOMETOWN: hmmm i kinda don’t want to say it, but it’s in france I - IN LOVE WITH: ... food. J - JEALOUS OF: no one ? K - KILLED SOMEONE:  MY SELF ESTEEM ? L - LAST TIME YOU’VE CRIED: on valentine’s day during hwarang ep18 fucking shit M - MIDDLE NAME: DANY JACKY N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 1.. 2 ? (i don’t see the second one) O - ONE WISH: Happiness for everyone P -  PERSON YOU’VE LAST CALLED / TEXTED: @lbrtlss​ AGAIN NO SHAME LOOOL Q -  QUESTIONS YOU’RE ALWAYS ASKED: what’s this ? or what are we eating ? R -  REASONS TO SMILE: the sun is bright rn♡ S - SONGS LAST SANG: CYPHER PART4 T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 8AM SHT but then i sleep again and usually it’s 10am U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: grey? V - VACATION DESTINATION: SEA !!! W - WORST HABIT: rambling X - X-RAYS YOU’VE HAD: none ahahha Y - YOUR FAVOURITE FOOD: EVERYTHING EVERYTHING “Mianhae I hate u Saranghae I hate u, Yongseohae” ... I NEED U FOOOD Z - ZODIAC SIGN: leo

ARMY TAG: WHO WAS YOUR FIRST BIAS WHEN YOU FIRST STARTED STANNING BTS? Tae ? probably WHO IS YOUR CURRENT BIAS? ALL OF FUCKING THEM WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BANGTAN BOMB? THE TROT ONE !!!! everypati say nOoOoOOOoo WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BTS SONG? TOMORROW if i have to choose WHICH MEMBER IS YOUR BIAS WRECKER? AGAIN, all of them WHICH MEMBER APPEARS IN YOUR DREAMS THE MOST? Namjoon ? or Taetae WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE BTS MV? ........ Save me. But .. all of them. but Save me is simple and so efficient i really like it. WHICH BTS CHOREOGRAPHY DO YOU DANCE TO MOST OFTEN? IDK ? All of them. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN AN ARMY? hmpf  7 months WHICH ALBUM TRACKLIST IS YOUR FAVOURI WINGS even if 화양연화 Young Forever changed my life WHICH ALBUM ART IS YOUR FAVOURITE? 화양연화 Young Forever ! WHICH MEMBER WOULD YOU CHOSE TO BE YOUR HUSBAND? NAMJOOOONNNNNN

♡ that’s it. bye.  i didn’t do the handwriting one because i’m hella lazy to get up my bed HAHAHAHA tagging people i love / i’d like to know better: @vmonstalove​ @my-son-taehyung​ @lovebeweird​  that’s for uuuu PLEASE DON’T HATE ME LOL

y'know, I thought it'd be different. more... intense, i guess? it certainly was a rush at first, felt my heart going real fast as soon as i opened it and started, but... it's not really any different from other tools. more efficient, i guess, but it didn't make it all that different. i did hit blood though, or at least one layer from it, so that's more than i've done in about.. 6 years, i think?

nothing huge caused it, either. i wasn't in the swing of a panic attack, i didn't have something awful happen. today was normal, was fine. i just felt kinda shitty getting home, and locking myself in my room for the rest of the day.. i gusss i just stewed in it too long. i left only to have a couple bites of soup, do my chores quietly, and leave again. and then i was laying there, just... getting worse. my chest feeling wrong, my head, everything.

then it just escalated. and pretty quickly, too. nails were a no go, and i was fed up, going "fuck it, i'll grab the keys". they're something i'd made off limits in these times, since i knew tool use would be a slippery slope, but tonight i went "whatever". keys were underwhelming.

the playlist i had going in the background actually influenced it all, the songs on shuffle coming up in a strangely appropriate order to sort of guide me through it. it was interesting. added to my inner monologuing as i grabbed my multi tool. tried two different bottle openers; they were definitely better. used them a while, made some marks that looked really satisfying, and i felt *good*, proud, because fucking FINALLY i had the guts to do something that'd mark properly. but then they were fading within a few minutes, and i knew they wouldn't last an hour... and fuck, it crushed me. i felt worse than before, craving the marks, needing to get SOMETHING out of all of this. so i unfolded the knife. fun side note, within moments of doing so, the song "i come with knives" came on... like i said, the mix was eerily fitting as i went.

anyway. so i tried the knife on some paper first, tested how sharp it was, which wasn't very. the very tip gave the best results, which is the part i was most interested in anyway, since i'm going for precise. i need control when i do this sort of thing. and then i went to it, very cautiously at first, then escalating as i realized how it's not that different. more effective, but nothing scary. just a tool.

the blood was a surprise, actually. it came only in a couple of the scratches, ones that weren't even intended to be "main" ones, if that makes sense. i couldn't bring myself to push hard enough on those, i guess, even though i started trying to after that.

now it's been a little while, maybe 15 minutes? but some of the marks are definitely staying, hopefully most of them for at least a little while. not going for life time scars here, but just... something. anything. hell, i even started carving stars in there, reminding myself that this is just another form of body art.

i feel.. empty. satisfied to a degree, but it's still not *enough*, you know? but i don't know what enough would even mean, and the rational part of my brain is juuuust loud enough back there to keep me from pursing it now. i should at least wait and see how these marks turn out before i make any truly dangerous decisions. hah.

1/15/20 9:43 pm

It’s the fourth trans day of visibility that I’ve been able to make myself visible. For the fourth time, I look at everyone’s pictures and art and think, “I could do that. Take a few pictures, post something supportive.” It’s not like I’d be outing myself (for the most part). It’s not exactly a secret. But I still don’t correct people who assume I’m cis, or tell them, and I still get nervous when I’m out in public, and I still pray that in four, five, ten years, I’ll be somewhere where no one knows. I don’t want to be stealth. I am proud of every single one of my trans family. I am out, but I’m not very proud. 

So I can’t take pictures proclaiming my pride, I can’t tweet out something brave and steamy like TRANS AND KILLING IT or ONLY TRANS DOES IT LIKE THIS. However, I can tell you about Roman.

Roman is not my first character, but I call him that because he’s the first one that’s really stuck. He was originally created to let off a little steam; I could throw my life problems at him and shake them up a bit to fit his life, and work through things that way. Over the last three years (he was born into this world March 28th, 2015, the beginning of Easter break), I’ve severed as much of our ties as I can while keeping him as authentically human as possible, and there are some things about myself he needs because he is transgender. I remember not knowing what the hell I was doing when I first started writing him because what do I know about being trans, I wear khaki cargo pants and terrible plaid button downs and bind with a shitty $6 binder that I have to replace every two months. 

Somehow, he thrived, and after a week straight of pounding out 90k words about this man, so was I. With him came Lawrence Silverstein, whose only major change has been the spelling of his last name. He’s been a damn good character from the get-go.

But Roman? Roman has grown with me. Beside me, not inside me, I’ve been very careful about that. He used to be as hopeless and in desperate need of someone to pull him back up as I was, and I’m 90% sure it was through him that I relearned how to put my palms on the ground and do a damn push up. At the same time, now I have to learn how to actually stick my hand out when have to, because he learned how to do that around year two. When I got accepted into my first college, I put everything of the previous year (also known as The Cold Year because I’ve blacked the vast majority of it out for self preservation) behind me and taught Roman how to do the same thing. In my second college the next year, we realized at the same time it didn’t work. Some things can’t be forgotten, no matter how much Sharpie you scribble them with. But they can be made duller by better memories, and that second college was honestly a life changing experience. Sure, it ended abruptly, but I’ve also carefully crafted three years of Roman’s life, from the 28th of March 2015 to the 31st of March, 2018, I know what he’s doing on nearly every day in between and, not to sound obsessed, every day after. 

I know this character, this 23 year old barista from Greenpond, Louisiana, far better than I know myself at times. He likes coffee because it brings people together and lie likes to people watch. He likes horror movies. He loves his best friend. He really thought Stella loved him, even when he was running from her. I know he wasn’t proud in 2015, but he is in 2018, and 2019, and even in 2020. He still has his days, because he’s more human than I feel at times, but he loves far more of who he is than he did when a scrappy, khaki, 15 year old who had a lot of homework to avoid first wrote his name. 

So why can’t I? How can I understand the core concepts of what it means to accept yourself and build yourself from the basics and not only accept but love what you created, but not apply those same concepts to me?

I don’t know. Fear. Of what? Failure? Actually enjoying it? I might be used to good things lasting minutes. I’ve moved 17 times in 18 years. I know what temporary means. But being trans isn’t temporary. When I was laying in bed that one December and realized quite literally out of the blue holy fuck I’m a boy I knew for once in my life that some things are not temporary. 

Like Roman. He’s with me, whether I’ve written anything about him since February or not. When I read over old stories because I miss him. Even if I’m able to let him go one day.

I don’t have much pride for being trans, but I’m goddamn proud of Roman Ramirez, and everything we have built together, and everything we’ll do one day. So, happy TDOV to him, and maybe I’ll try again next year.

long shit i hate typing 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌th 👌 ere👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my selｆ 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠＯOOＯOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit Burritos, Inspiration Point, Fork Balloon Sports, Cards in the Spokes, Automatic Biographies, Kites, Kung Fu, Trophies, Banana Peels We've Slipped On and Egg Shells We've Tippy Toed Over The Black Hawk War, or, How to Demolish an Entire Civilization and Still Feel Good About Yourself in the Morning, or, We Apologize for the Inconvenience but You're Going to Have to Leave Now, or, 'I Have Fought the Big Knives and Will Continue to Fight Them Until They Are Off Our Lands! The Boy Bands Have Won, and All The Copyists and The Tribute Bands and The TV Talent Show Producers Have Won, If We Allow Our Culture To Be Shaped By Mimicry, Whether From Lack Of Ideas Or From Exaggerated Respect. You Should Never Try To Freeze Culture. What You Can Do Is Recycle That Culture. Take Your Older Brother’s Hand-Me-Down Jacket and Re-Style It, Re-Fashion It to the Point Where It Becomes Your Own. But Don’t Just Regurgitate Creative History, Or Hold Art And Music And Literature As Fixed, Untouchable And Kept Under Glass. The People Who Try To ‘Guard’ Any Particular Form Of Music Are, Like The Copyists And Manufactured Bands, Doing It The Worst Disservice, Because The Only Thing That You Can Do To Music That Will Damage It Is Not Change It, Not Make It Your Own. Because Then It Dies, Then It’s Over, Then It’s Done, and The Boy Bands Have Won. that gets a DOUBLE MEME SPIKE!!! 👍🏻👍🏻👌🏻👌🏻👀👌🏻👀👌🏻👀👌🏻 ほぇふっ oh goddamn hot shit💀👽💀👽💀👽💀 👀 👃🏻 👄 Alright, you wanna know the secret to getting a Ferrari or a Lamborghini like this? Drop outta college. Actually I'm just kidding. It's giving me a lot of trouble for me to say that. I do find it interesting that when you look at the most successful people in the world, they dropped out of college, a lot of them. I dropped out of college, I'm not the most successful person in the world, but, I do know that the education system that you and I grew up in... is flawed! There's a lot wrong. I think we all know that. Now, you know I keep these cars in my garage not to show off, or be materialistic, I literally like fast cars, they're fun to drive but what's more important than trying to get cars... uh... is knowledge. You know, like I always say, I'm more proud of these seven bookshelves I had to install to put in... to hold the 2000 new books that I bought. If you've seen my TedX talk, you've heard me talk about how I read a book a day, because like the investor Warren Buffet says "the more you learn, the more you earn"! Now, what I'm about to share with you, uh, on my website, there's a link you should be able to click. I've recorded a simple video here in my garage. Three things that made all the difference in my life. Three things that can change everything because it hasn't always been where I had these kind of cars in my garage, I remember when I was living across the country in Clayton, North Carolina, in a mobile home, sleeping on a couch. I didn't even have a bed. Or a car. Or a college degree, any opportunities, and I only had $47 in my bank account. But, the dream is still possible. You know, you might be a skeptic, you might be surrounded by people saying "Oh, videos like this, they're not real, they're a get-rich quick scheme!" This isn't a get rich quick sssscheme. This is MY true story! And I'm not promising you that tomorrow you'll have a Ferrari or a Lamborghini but what I'm promising you is that if you know the proven steps, it can happen faster than you think because when I was sleeping on that couch, and I felt hopeless. Something fortunate happened to me. My life was at a crossroads. Maybe your life's at a crossroads right now, and you just found this video. And you know there's something better waiting for you. It might not be a Lamborghini or Ferrari, that's nothing, that's materialistic things! You must find the good life, health, wealth, love, and happiness! All those things! For you, maybe for you it's a new career or starting your own company, or a new lifestyle! Traveling, less stress. You have to understand finances, you have to understand the rules that I found fortunately when I was sleeping on that couch and I bumped into one mentor, then another, and I ended up finding five mentors who showed me how they became multimillionaires. Also, I was able to identify certain key books, you can see, I have a soft spot for books, and I wanna share that with you today. Three practical things, just click this video, it'll take you to my website, it's completely free, you can watch the video there, and I record - it's just in my garage like this, it's not super professional so don't expect too much, but it is hard hitting! It does have the ability to change your life! Now do not click this if you're a cynic or a pessimist. There's a lot of those in the world. If you're watching this far, you're probably not, you're probably an optimist, like one of my favorite books, Conrad Hilton, the Billionaire, he said what changed his life when he was living in that depression was reading a book by Helen Keller when he was age 15. She said "optimist", so, I wanna share with you three practical things that you can do today no matter where you live, no matter how bad things might be, where you can begin to revolutionize your life. Find the good life. Health, wealth, love and happiness. So, click this video, and I'll see you over in my website, in just a minute. Alright? (KIK) look at this weak shit. disney pop star and shitty actress turned shitty model and shitty actress. look at that "avant garde" ass outfit, trying to be cool. not to mention her pose game is weak af. man even a person who's only seen one panel of jojo could pose better than this shit. your album title is "confident"? yeah well im pretty fucking confident that ur bitchy fat shaming ass wont get any aotys from anyone with an opinion. Cock is one of my favorite tastes. Not only that, but balls smell amazing. It makes me go a little crazy on it to be honest. Like, I cannot get it far enough down my throat to be satisfied. I’m only satisfied when I feel those intense, powerful, salty, hot pumps of cum down my throat. When I sit back on my heels, look up at you with cum all over my mouth and slobber running down my neck, hair all fucked up and wipe my mouth with the back of my arm and ask you if I did a good job and you cannot even speak because I’ve drained all of your energy out the tip of your dick….. That’s when I’m satisfied. I was in my room, and I was just like, staring at the walls thinking about everything but then again I was thinking about nothing, and then my mom came in, and I didn't even know she was there She called my name and I didn't hear her, then she started screaming, "Mike! Mike!" And I go, "What? What's the matter?" She goes, "What's the matter with you?" I go, "There's nothing wrong mom" She goes, "Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!" I go, "No mom, I'm not on drugs, I'm okay, I'm just thinking, you know? Why don't you get me a pepsi?" She goes, "NO! You're on drugs!" I go, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking" And she goes, "NO! You're not thinking you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!" I go, "Mom, just get me a Pepsi, please? All I want's a Pepsi" And she wouldn't give it to me, all I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me, just a Pepsi! Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's ♫ beautiful ♫ ! In the year negative a billion, Japan might not've been here. In the year -40,000 it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, so an iceberg melted, it became an island, and now there lot's of trees! Because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island and they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains, eating nuts off trees, and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world. And they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and crazy rice farms. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survive. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly super person, or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from Baekje. "Please try this religion," he said. "No," said everybody. "Try it," he said. "No," said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place, and all the rules that came with it. Then, the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms. Like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China," they said. "Hi dipshit," said China. "Can you call us something else other than dipsh!t?" said Japan. "Like what?" said China. "How about ♫ sunrise land ♫ ?" said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book, about themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. Right here, and they conquered the north, finally. Get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kūkai (空海) is bored with modern Buddhism and learns a better version which is more ♫ spiritual ♫ comes back, reinvents the alphabet and causes art and literature to be ♫ great ♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn't give a shit about governing the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals? ♫ hire a samurai ♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. Correction: rich, important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful. More than the government, so they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be "emperor," but the shogun is actually in control. Breaking news: the Mongols have invaded China. "We have invaded China," said the Mongols. "Please respect us, or we might invade you as well." "Okay," said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and then died in a tornado. They tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado. Then the emperor overthrew the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moved to Kyoto and makes a new shogunate, and the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine. ♫ now there's more art ♫ Like paining with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for Who's Going To Be The Next Shogun? Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid, so he tries to et his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay, but then the shogun has a kid. So now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones! And everyone voted so hard, that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over (yet). They just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks. And guns. And ♫ Jesus ♫ So that's cool, but everyone's still fighting each other for control, now with guns. And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them. This clan is ready to make a run for it. But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. Surprise! Smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. It goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering Japan, when someone who works for him kills him. And then someone else who works for him kills him. And that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And made some rules. "And now I'm going to invade Korea, and then hopefully China," he said, and failed, and also died. But before he died, he told these 5 guys to take care of his 5 year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the 5 guys said "Yeah, right. It's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us. Because we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy who happens to be way more rich and powerful than he others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight. He wins! And starts a new government right here. ♫ Edo ♫ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don't get confused, this is he new government, and they are very strict. So strict, they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, they want to buy and sell sh!t, but they have to do it right here. Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were opened, roads were built, everyone could read, books were published, poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch studies. People studied European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow dow- .....Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "Open the country. Stop having it be closed." said the United States. There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan when they want. Chōshu and Satsuma hated that. "Hat sucks," they said. "This sucks!" And with very little outside help, they overthrew he shogunate, and made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed Eastern Capital (東京). They made a new government, which was a lot more western. They made a new constitution, that was pretty western. And a military that was pretty western. And do you know what else is western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquered Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop, no, you can't take that. We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers, and when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuck ton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?" And Russia says, "How about maybe YOU chill?" Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫ It's time for World War One ♫ The world is about to have a war, because it's the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants more. And the next thing on the list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on it by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France is friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria's ass, because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass, because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass, or actually he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh! ♫ Japan should take the islands ♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they called Britain on the telegram to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan! You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who gets what, and, yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫ the League of Nations ♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The Great Depression is bad. Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria, and the League of Nations is line "no, don't do that, if you're in the League of Nations you're not supposed to take over the world," and Japan said, "♫ how about I do anyway ♫" and Japan invaded more and more and more and more of China and was planning to invade the whole entire east. You've got mail! It's from Germany. The new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache and he's trying to take over the world, and he needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. ♫ it's time for World War 2 ♫ Germany is invading their neighbors, then they invaded the neighbor's neighbors. Then the neighbor's neighbor's neighbor's who happens to be Britain said "holy shit" and the United States started helping Britain, because they are ♫ good friends ♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫ their friends and our friends are not friends, plus they're planning on invading the entire ocean ♫ The United States is also working on a large and very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case. But they still haven't joined the war. War looks bad on tv, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii, and challenges hem to war, and they say yes. And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. So the United States goes to war in Europe, and they helped he gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also start chasing Japan back into Japan, and they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works. So they drop it on Japan. They actually dropped 2. The United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government. Just the right ingredients for a ♫ post-war economic miracle ♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything's still pretty cool, I guess. ♫ bye ♫ Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the fuck out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels fucking weird when I go and take a piss. Dr. Pepper. The famous 23 flavor soda, has a lot of spinoff products, such as Diet Dr. Pepper. That’s not the topic here today. No we’re not talking about Diet Dr. Pepper barbecue sauce. But what we are talking about, is hot Dr. Pepper. That’s right, hot Dr. Pepper was originally introduced in the 1960’s as a winter beverage. Here’s some advertisements from the 1960’s showing about about Hot Dr. Pepper. However, it was short lived. But you still don’t believe me? You think this is a joke? Just go to the facts and questions article on the Dr. Pepper website. Anyway, I’m going to teach you how to make it. All you need is a Dr. Pepper; a can or bottle will be fine. And just proceed to open it, but DONT blow it up like I did. Cuz’ you know, Bad Dr. Pepper right there. Anyway, you want to heat up a pan, or anything, and just pour a little Dr. Pepper in there, as much as you want. Alright, and as soon as we did that, we’re gonna take a lemon and a knife and make a small slice, and then put it into the glass that you’re gonna puor the hot Dr. pepper in. When the Dr. Pepper starts sizzling or steaming up… That’s it. Just take it off, and pour it in your glass. And if you’re using a glass glass glass made of glass like I am, put it very slowly. Like, wait five seconds between each… Each spill, so it doesn’t melt, cus you know, when glass melts… Glass… yeah. Also if you try this at home, and your lemon makes a popping bubble, comment or like, heh, cuz you know, thumbs up for that. Just some more footage of the popping lemon… Yeah, and basically, this is hot Dr. Pepper. It tastes just like Dr. Pepper, only it’s hot, kind of like tea. Brings out the cherry flavor. Little carbonation, and I’ll see you next time. Later! FINALS WEEK FINALS WEEK JUST DISTRACTING MYSELF FROM FINALS WEEK IM NOT STUDYING BUT ALL MY FRIENDS ARE AND IM FUCKIN' ALONE CAUSE IM LAZY BUT I WONT TAKE YOUR NOTES YEAH I WONT USE QUIZLE-T NO I WONT WATCH CRASH COURSE JOHN GREEN FUCKING SUCKS WHEN YOUR CURRICULUM MAKES ME HATE MYSELF MORE THAN I ALREADY DO~ THERE'S SOMETHING WRO~NG