After seeing the storyboard I sought this episode out, not sure then if it was actually real... I'm so glad it is.

Btw for context, people wanna elect the potato chip because it kinda looks like George Washington. And Millard Fillmore and James Madison are also in this.

save me

summary: Y/N is trying her hardest to get out of an abusive relationship without telling anyone. However, she can’t always hide the bruises, especially from her best friend since childhood, Ben Hardy. Once he finds out, he tries his best to help her out without her getting hurt.

warnings: doctor talk, fluff, tiny bit of angst, very sad family reunion, tears lol, some cussing. angst at the end tho lol

a/n: this part will be both fluffy and sad! also, it makes me so happy that so many people are wanting to be tagged in this!! please feel free to shoot me an ask, message or comment if you want to be tagged!! enjoy <3

word count: 2.8k

••••••••

"Mummy...?"

You couldn't believe what you were seeing right in front of you. Your mom, dad and twin brother were standing right before your eyes. Tears poured down your cheeks, your vision blurry from the salty liquid. You stood up from the wheelchair and ran into the arms of your family. You all held onto to each other, you ignored the soreness coursing throughout your body as you felt tight arms wrapped around you. You bawled into your dad's shoulders as your brother rubbed your back and your mom ran her fingers through your hair. Ben watched, his heart growing warm as he witnessed you in your happiest state. You dreamt of seeing your family again, although it was under better circumstances, but that didnt matter. They were finally there, holding you and making you feel safe.

After five minutes of crying and grabbing at eachother, the four you finally pulled away from one another. With tear stained cheeks, red and puffy eyes, you smiled brightly and help your hand to your heart. You figured Ben set this all up and made a mental note to make it up to him. Your brother, James, came up to you and placed his hands on your cheeks, wiping the tears from your eyes. You smiled and put your hands on top of his, looking him in the eyes. He had changed quite a bit from the last time you saw him. He had scruff growing all along his face, making him no longer look like a baby. You used to make fun of him for being a late bloomer, calling him "baby face" and pinching his cheeks. Now your baby brother, who was born a minute after you, was a big man. Although just 60 seconds apart, you always made him know that you were older.

"Look at how grown up my baby brother is!"

"You're only sixty seconds older than, you're not that cool." He chuckled and rolled his eyes playfully. He planted a small peck on the top of your head, taking advantage of his towering height over you. You smiled and leaned into him, scratching his back as he planted his chin on the top of your head. You both stayed in the position for awhile. Soon enough, tears formed in your eyes as guilt washed over you. You had always longed for warm and sweet hugs from your brother. His hugs had always made you instantly feel better if you were having a shitty day. He had always been taller than you, which made his hugs better. The sight made your mother cry as well, finally seeing her babies together again. She always took pictures of the hugs you and James shared. Her excuse as to why was to make y'all remind each other that you actually loved one another when you two got into typical brother/sister arguements. Everyone knew deep down that she took them for herself.

"I have missed you three way more than words could ever describe. I hate myself for never contacting you guys. I was just so-"

"Afraid? It's okay, Lily, Benny told us what we needed to know. He didn't go into too deep of detail in case you wanted to say more." Your father proclaimed, bringing you into his embrace. You wept as he held you, feeling a mix of a million emotions. You gripped your father's back tightly, as if you were going to lose him again. You cried as you heard him say your nickname he had given you at the age of three. You took in his fatherly scent, a mix of after shave and lavender. For some odd reason, your father always smelt like lavender, you never questioned it because you didn't mind it at all. It was a comforting scent you've grown to love.

The two you pulled away, looking into each others eyes. You and your dad had the exact same eye color. A mix of light blue and emerald green, almost identical. Everyone always complimented your eyes, you always bragged about how you had the exact same eye color as your dad's. James even had the same eye color, which left your mum's chocolate brown eyes out of the picture. However, your brother and you always looked more like your mum than your pops.

Your father planted a kiss on your forehead and gave you a nice big squeeze before pulling away and turning towards Ben. He clapped a hand on his shoulder and drew him in for a hug. He had always been the hugging type of man, if he shook your hand, he probably didn't like you. So coincidentally, he shook Trevor's hand when they first met, which should have been your first warning sign.

"Thank you for taking care of her, Benny." He whispered to him, just so he could hear. Ben nodded, turning his head towards you. His heart melted as he watched you and your mum holding onto each other like a mom koala and its baby. If it was possible, his pupils would have been in the shape of a heart. To nobody's knowledge, Ben had been feeling something different for you lately. Something he'd never imagined feeling about you. It made his heart flutter at the sight of you, his knees buckle when you laughed or smiled, his cheeks flush when you touched him, and his heart grow more each time you spent time together. He couldn't even begin to express his feelings for you because he didn't exactly know what it was. He had spent countless hours trying to draw up some type of conclusion. He failed nevertheless. When you had first told him about Trevor and his abusive ways, he wanted to break down right then and there. His heart broke into a million different pieces, but he had to tape it up to stay strong for you. He would go home and cry into his pillow, guilt coursing through his veins as he couldnt get the images of someone hurting you mercilessly out of his head. He shuddered at the thought and snapped out of his daze when he felt James wrap an arm around his shoulders. Ben smiled and brought James into a tight embrace. James was like the brother Ben never had. When the three of you were in high school and you were beginning the stages of womanhood, he spent a lot more time James as you spent more time with girlfriends.

A week later...

Your eyes flitted open, adjusting to the bright sunlight peaking through the curtains. You looked around, smiling at the fact that you had finally been discharged. You were discharged the following Friday when your family visited. Sadly, your parents lived five and half hours away and your brother lived even farther than them. They stayed until Friday morning, helping you get ready to leave. You spent that entire week, catching up with them and making plans for when you start feeling better. In this midst of that, Ben was off with Gwilym, making some plans of his own that you had zero knowledge of. He came back that Friday to take you back home to his flat. While you were in the hospital, James, Gwil and Ben had been moving your stuff out of your flat after it had been released by the police. You admitted to Ben that you were too afraid to live there anymore. Thus creating the idea of you moving into Ben's flat. He had two more spare bedrooms that you live in. You basically lived with him anyways so there wouldn't be that much of a difference. So you agreed, after arguing with Ben about you paying rent and him insisting that he doesnt give a damn. The two of you finally came to the compromise you paying fifty fifty of the rent with him each month.

Taking a deep breath, you swung your legs over the bed, throwing your comforter off of your body. Disconnecting your phone from the charger and slipping on some house shoes, you made your way downstairs to see Ben in the kitchen cooking the two of you some delicious breakfast. Which contained waffles, bacon, scrambled eggs, english muffins with strawberry cream cheese (your favorite), and tea. You shot him a warm smile as you walked towards the kitchen island and jumping up to plop a seat on it.

"What are we gonna do today?" You asked, reaching your hand towards the english muffins, only for Ben to smack it and tsk you. You creased your eyebrows and pulled away, playfully pouting. Ever since you got out of the hospital, living with Ben had been such a breeze. You were still on medical leave from work and Ben didn't have many big things in his acting world at the moment so you both spent quite some time together. He helped you sell your old flat and put all of Trevor's shit into a storage unit. You hadn't seen Trevor since you saw him being arrested after the attack. It was quite the heavenly sight to see, though the events that led up to it were horrific. You still had nightmares from the attack, causing you to wake up at ungodly hours in a sweat and tears. Ben wasn't aware of these nightmares because he slept like a rock. The only way you could calm yourself was to walk around the house, to become aware of your surroundings, to know that you were now safe. Often, you'd find yourself sitting outside of Ben's door, tempted to knock and crawl into his arms. Just knowing he was in the room comforted you. Luckily, he let you have the room that was closest to his, making it accessible for the two of you reach each other quickly.

"Maybe shopping? Need to get some more groceries then maybe we could go to the mall?" He asked, looking at you while carefully making you and himself a plate. Usually you'd argue about going shopping but since selling your house, you had some money in the bank. Along with the house, you also had money from your last check from work and your paid medical leave. When your boss had found out about your situation, he insisted on making it a paid medical leave as he wanted you not to worry about anything. You shrugged your shoulders in agreement. You had lowkey been wanting to do some retail therapy here lately. Usually, you'd be at the bottom of a vodka bottle, but it made you shiver at the thought of who you used to be.

"I wouldn't mind that, been wanting to go shopping lately. Retail therapy is the best way to go." You joked as you stabbed your fork into your waffle and bringing it to your mouth. Ben watched you, a smile rose on his lips as he did so. Each day he felt like he was falling harder and harder for you. He wanted so badly to ask you out but considering your trust for men has decreased dramatically, he decided against it and was willing to wait for you. He could never imagine pushing you and making you uncomfortable. It was the last thing he had ever wanted. All he wanted was to make you happy, together or not. Seeing your smile after going through a hurricane, made his heart sing.

"After this, don't forget to take your meds." Ben reminded as he started cleaning up all the dirty dishes he used to cook with. You nodded as you took a sip of your tea, not breaking eye contact with your phone. You had gotten a couple of sweet direct messages, emails and comments from Ben's fans every now and then when he post about you. His recent post was a picture of you in the wheelchair as you were leaving the hospital. You had a thumbs up and a soft smile. The caption always made you smile when you would read it.

'Strongest gal I have ever known. You're the bestest. @yourusername.'

You turned your phone off and put it face down, finishing up your breakfast and tea. You stood up, grabbing your cup and plate and placing them in the sink before heading to the upstairs bathroom. You let Ben know you were going to shower before you two would leave. He nodded and headed up to his room to get ready. When you made it to your closet, you tapped your index finger against your chin trying to decide what to wear for the day. You opted on an old vintage Queen shirt paired with some rocky denim shorts and cute wicker platform sandals. You set your outfit aside on your bed and undressed, getting ready to shower. Turning on some music, you turned the shower nob, making the shower piping hot just the way you like it. You hopped in, dancing and singing to the music that blared throughout the bathroom. You used a shampoo bottle as a microphone as you blared lyrics at the top of your lungs.

"Thank you for coming tonight. See you next time!" You announced to yourself in the mirror, trying to mimic crowd noise as you began to get ready. You dried your hair off with a blow dryer. You french braided it on both sides of your head, joining the two braids into a low messy bun. You pulled some baby hairs from your head, styling up the look a little better. After fondling with your hair, you began with your makeup. You swiped some concealer all over your face, blending it out with your sponge egg. You set the concealer with some powder and popped some nice and shiny highlighter on your cheekbones and inner corner of your eyes. You popped on some mascara, making your lashes POP and eye color beam. Finally done after applying a layer of chapstick, you slipped into your outfit. You wore a cute pastel yellow lacy bralette that went perfectly with your sandals and tshirt. Taking one last look in the full length body mirror, you nodded in content with the way you looked and finally made your way downstairs, after grabbing your wallet and phone.

Your sandals clicked against the tile as you skipped down the stairs. Ben was already done and ready to go when he saw you come down the steps. His heart lurched out of his chest at the sight of you, he couldn't help but smile at you.

"Ready to go?"

You nodded and slipped past him, beating him to his car. You waited for him to unlock it and slid into the passenger seat. You felt like today was going to be a great day. Nothing could stop the happiness you felt when hanging out with Ben.

The whole day consisted of laughter, shopping at the most random places, and loads of ice cream and random food trucks. This had been best day you've had in such a long time, all thanks to Ben. You were both strolling along inside the mall, when you spotted a Build-a-bear. You instantly started dragging Ben into the little store. When you were younger, your parents both bought you teddy bears. Ben, being the masculine boy he was, acted like it was too girly for him. Although when alone, he'd cuddle the bear close to chest and would yell at his mum if she tried to get rid of it.

"I have to get one!" You exclaimed as you went to choose your bear. Ben watched you adoringly with a loving smile on his lips. The way you stuck your tongue out of your mouth when you were trying to decide which bear you wanted made his knees want to pull below him. You ended up choosing a simple golden colored bear with green eyes. You stuffed it just enough for it to form but soft and cuddly. Finally, you got the choice of whether or not you wanted it scented. You chose not to because without anyone's knowledge, you planned on going home and spritzing it with Ben's cologne. When you were satisfied with how your bear turned out, you paid and the two of you finally ventured home.

"Today was so much fun Ben, thank you." You smiled and wrapped your arms around his waist, bringing him into a hug making him drop all the bags on the floor. He smiled and hugged you back just as warm and tight as you did. You pulled away far enough to look into his eyes. God his eyes always drew you in. You could stare at them all day long. Ben felt the same, you both were blessed with the most majestically colored orbs anyone could have. You smiled at him and brought your hands to his cheeks, softly pinching them.

"You're the best benny." You whispered as you laid your head on his shoulder. He planted his hand on the back of your head, lightly tangling his fingers in your hair.

"Come on, let's put this stuff up and go to bed."

••••••••

lol yay for shitty chapters bc i cant think straight

taglist: @benhardyisdaddy @monochromedeacon @queenbbarnes @haileylansley @shesakillerquueennn @onexlittlespark @zcars777 @loveandbeloved29 @beatlezrcool @likeit-or-leaveit @mrsmazzello @caborhapch @jacqueline1916 @thegarbage-queen @fatbottomedboi

perm taglist: @benhardyisdaddy @haileylansley @queenbbarnes @beatlezrcool @ezmina98

You'll also be potentially

You'll also be potentially living with strangers in conditions beneath the grimiest motel.She plans to give up in two years' time.While video chatting, she always asks if I mind before she smokes. Either way, camming keeps Anna in comfy sweatpants and Fanta.The MFC ratings battle is ruthless, as tips beget more tips: if you're being paid well, you move up the totem pole, ensuring a snowball effect of even more attention and money.What I found out was a self discovery as much as a way of sticking it to my friend. Two years ago she was the number one rated model on MyFreeCams — meaning her link was at the very top of the site's barren layout — bringing in around $US37,000 per month. But when her camera first flipped on for me, I didn't see the stained walls of a prostitute's den. In my group chat I wrote: Sorry, cam froze. One of them is decorated for a surfer girl, one of them is a girly teen-looking bedroom, one has teddy bears, one has a stripper pool, one is a fake bathroom with a tub. The whole thing is an amazing facade. And that is not to say that there haven’t been bad times, like in any job. How did you get into webcamming?There's not a cent lost to a middle man.

There is a wardrobe containing some of her clothes.On her end, the website looks like this. I had been speaking with a friend that night on the phone during my break who had said something that I couldnt get out of my head. This is my art, and whilst I am making myself sexually desirable, nobody can objectify me, as I hold that power. In the heart of Bucharest on the pavement outside a tall apartment building a group of young women smoke, talk and laugh. On Instagram, because of censorship restrictions, you cant see her nude. It’s a ton of emotional labor—like any type of sex work. Domino has it pretty good — an American with ample property and a cushy career based on sex she enjoys. When one studio boss lost all of his money and had to move in with a friend, Anna had to go along, having lost her room, board and virtually all of her possessions.Plus, she says she refuses to do things all the time and only does what she feels comfortable with. Thats usually how these things go. They want the connection. Some members want you to call their name. Or to talk to them while you dance and strip. Women already have plenty of dick pics, thanks. It took six years to reach this life of dilettantism and occasional sex work.

Going through my relationships and going to university I was like ‘woah, nobody thinks the way I do, I must be weird'. The basic premise of the cam girl game is a simple one: You pay a girl for her time, and in exchange, she'll take off her clothes, talk to you, play with herself (and others), or any combination thereof. The important thing is to keep a paying client online for as many minutes as possible.I was naked underneath my pink robe, hair extensions falling out, one eyelash stubbornly stuck on. If I didn't like it, I'd be like sorry, I'm not really into that. I knew then, that before I could construct a cohesive argument to put toward my friend, that I needed to take another look at the situation from a broader perspective. But it's enough for her to be completely self-sufficient, albeit weary of the whole thing sometimes. Geography is important too, so the models can talk about where the members are from.It's a lot easier to fork over 900 tokens than thinking about the $US75 you just spent in minutes. One thing that I admittedly dont have control over, proven by the phone conversation that spurred me to write this piece, is the judgment that others will cast on my when they know that I do for money. These web cam kingpins might as well not exist. Is Sandy Bell a victim? She says she is not, though feminists such as Irina Ilisei say the question is more complicated than it seems.The young women who admit to leaving nothing to the imagination admit they are paid well for their trouble – and don't even have to leave their rooms to get paid. Domino wakes up at 8 am every morning and performs booked shows for clients paying between $US90 and $US120 an hour.

CONTINUED BELOW...

Ok so its been 24 hours since I saw the movie and I wanted to write down my thoughts, most of it is for me so I can go back and read how I felt about it years from now, its going to be very long and wordy but im just writing as the thoughts come and now worrying about grammar or anything, that includes timeline, so my thoughts may come to me out of order . I’m going to put it all under read more so i dont spoil it for any of you lovely people

So I got to the theater like 40 minutes early because I just couldnt contain myself and I wanted to get my perfect seat. Wore my new HTTYD shirt and brought my toothless plushie from build a bear (another little girl had the same idea she was so cute)

but now onto the movie

they threw me for a loop I was totally expecting a “this is berk’” speech as the very opening, not the raid, but honestly this movie is about change so I liked the change. But I still got my fix, because as they flew back to Berk my only thought was “this is berk”, AND THEN HE SAID THE THING YES.

Loved the scene in the great forge, it just really showed how big Berk is and how many vikings there are, and seeing them all happy and enjoying a meal together just warmed my heart, plus Gobber teasing Astrid and Hiccup about marriage and Valka beating Spitelout at arm wrestling haha.

Tuffnut was comedic gold, talking about his “beard” and giving hiccup bro pep talks. And when he said the earth was round? and the stars? I almost died laughing.��

Grimmel  being a complete jerk and drugging those poor dragons with their own venom.

Fetch with Hiccup’s leg?? and him dropping it in Astrid’s lap and then being over protective of the leg when Stormfly came near it? Then Hiccup tickling Astrid, what did we do to deserve such a cute Hiccstrid scene?

Toothless meeting the light fury was even better than I thought, he was such a dork and had no idea what to do, then looking to Hiccup for advice about how to flirt oh gosh silly boy.

Im calling Hiccup out on his saying Astrid isnt a romantic, I mean Hiccup is totally the hopeless romantic, but Astrid in my mind is totally a secret romantic, at least when it comes to her own relationship.

Also Toothless practicing his mating dancing by watching his shadow and studying the naddars as they danced was so adorable.

Ok ngl I actually thought Grimmel had shot Toothless in the house, and I was so happy to see that is was part of their plan and that he had back up (sorry Fishlegs I love you and you took one for the team so good on you!). Why I was surprised by this idk, I know these characters enough to know that they would pull something like that. BUT HICCUP TELLING GRIMMEL OFF AND CALLING HE OUT FOR SITTING IN STOICKS CHAIR, YES BOY. That just made the feeling of Berk being attacked and flames burning everywhere hurt so much more.

The meeting with all of Berk? Just wow, I mean first off I love that Hiccup had his whole gang up there with him, just goes to show that he really trusts them and values them as being part of the team. Astrid sticking up for my boy and Tuff just going “IM WITH HIM WHO ELSE” A plus team work, I loved the support. Not to mention the fact that Hiccup was able to convince them all to pack up what little they could carry and leave. I mean we know from the first movie that vikings are stubborn, but they are also capable of change. The fact that they left their home of 7 generations and probably left some import things they couldnt carry with them was such an amazing gesture. And Berk really is where ever the vikings are, it is not just a single island. It really hurt to see them leave the island, the place where it all started, but the fact that they all stuck together really shows how strong of a bond they have as a people. 

Light fury knocking Hiccup off Toothless, such a sassy girl I love her. I mean come on Toothless was obviously gunna save him. Also the sheeps wanting to be dragons is something I never new I needed, especially after seeing how afraid of dragons they used to be (I mean the dragons did hunt them, but im all here for them cosplaying as their favorite dragons) 

I JUST REMEMBERED I NEVER TALKED ABOUT FLASHBACKS SO LETS DO THAT NOW. First of little toddler Hiccup??? THE FRICKIN CUTEST THING EVER OK. I know there was a line in the trailer that wasnt in the movie the one where Stoick says something like “I believe its your destiny to find the hidden world so dragons and vikings no longer need to fight” but I wasnt sad that they didnt keep this line. I think it makes more sense to have what they did, Stoick talking about finding the hidden world so they could protect Berk from it. I mean this took place when they were still fighting dragons, so yea the line about destiny could mean he thinks Hiccup would destroy the hidden world, but the tone of the scene was so calm and relaxing that to me it gave off the vibe that Stock was implying that Hiccup would unite their worlds, which doenst make sense since again they were still at war with the dragons at this point. So I liked what they had in the movie, I think what they kept fit the tone and it still showed how Berk was at war with the dragons.

NEXT FLASHBACK. Little Hiccup just sneaking down the stairs and then his little face like “oh shit” when he saw his dad was up and trying to sneak back up. The way he said he wanted water, I JUST IT WAS SO CUTE, whoever voiced tiny hiccup good job because omg it was so cute. How happy he was to go over to his dad and sit on his lap.  When he asked Stoick if he would get them a new mom, my heart just broke I mean Hiccup was so young that he didn’t fully grasp the situation, and I mean before Hiccup got caught sneaking downstairs we saw Stoick crying. That was so important to me I mean Stoick the Vast, he is massive, and remember the first movie the fact about him ripping a dragons head off as a baby? Yea this character who basically screams masculinity has yet another vulnerable scene, showing yet again that crying is ok (I mean back in the first movie when he told Hiccup he wasnt his son, and when he met Valka again?? yes please keeping showing people that being masculine doenst mean you cant cry!). Stoick teaching Hiccup about love, yes dad points for you, I adore the scenes like these, that show how much Stock loves his family, he would be so proud of Hiccup and who he has become. OH YEA SIDE NOTE HOW I FORGET HICCUPS STUFFED DRAGON? THROWBACK TO THE TV SERIES THANK YOU.

New Berk, cuz thats the best I got to call it right now, love how everyone basically immediately goes to claiming their areas ahha.

Ok Snotlout my boy did you really just say “who died and made yout Chief” because too soon, I still love you

Low key thought they were gunna make Snotlout and Eret a thing, despite the weird flirting Snotlout had with Valka. I mean he was trying to be taller than Eret, and Eret was like hah no, yall id ship it ngl eret and snotlout 

Toothless meeting up with the light fury again, but this time trusting his instincts is another reminder that toothless is in fact an animal, a very intelligent animal, but an animal who has instincts and a desire to be with his own kind, I mean can you blame him? Its been at least 6 years since hes seen another dragon that was like him, maybe even longer depending on how long he was alone before he met hiccup. 

The throw back to the forbidden friendship scene? With toothless drawing in the sand, and oh God I never thought I would get so emotional about sand but dang that sand animation just was so realistic that I wanted to touch it. Hiccup being like “wow now you can draw”, Toothless growling at the light fury like he did to Hiccup back in the first for stepping on his art, come on guys Toothless worked hard on his art! The light fury flying away but toothless not being able to follow her, another throwback to when he couldnt fly with the dragons during the snoggletog special.

Hiccup making toothless a tail to fly alone, and Im glad they added the part when Astrid said they tried it before, again throwback to snoggletog, and that he didnt want the tail, and Hiccup clarifying that it was because he had no need to fly alone before. Now my only worry here is that the casual fan will just think that the exchange is a copout, I mean unless you remember the special you wouldnt know that they tired making him a tail fin and he didnt want it, so to the casual fan it might seem like they only added the comment to answer the question “If hiccup could make a tail fin why did he never do it before?”. Seeing the special where toothless destroys the tail really adds a layer of depth to the scene, because those of us who saw it remember that it was a statement that even though Hiccup had the ability to create a tail so toothless could fly alone, toothless wanted to fly with his best friend and didnt care for the tail. 

now the actual scene with toothless flying alone finding the light fury, first off it was so cute how he showed her his new tail! He was so proud of it, and no doubt proud of his best friend for making it. The scene itself though reminded me so much of the romantic flight, the way they flew together above the clouds and how it gave a sense of flight because we couldnt see the ground, ugg it was so beautiful. I was honestly blown away by the animation, the clouds and the color, they were all so beautiful. Toothless and the light fury flying together and really bonding, similar to Astrid and Hiccup on their first flight together, ugg all the throwbacks to the first movie really killed me. Also Toothless trying to copy the light fury and how she goes invisible was so cute, he was like “ah yes I got this, wait no shit again, no shit again again!” then he basically summons thors power of lighting and finds his new power, so proud of my baby. 

Now I fully believe that Toothless was going to go back to Hiccup after he spent time with the light fury in the hidden world, no way my boy would leave my other boy without a goodbye. But the other started to freak Hiccup out, I mean Hiccup knew his best friend would come back, but the others made him doubt it and seeing him freak out was heart breaking.

Astrid being like boy hop on we gonna get yo dragon, yes girl. Honestly them going into the hidden world on Stormfly? I mean need i say anything about the animation in this scene? The visuals were just breath taking, I cannot put it into words. Tootheless being the alpha is always a win, also Astrid calling him a king and Hiccup realizing that this beautiful place of dragons, is not place for humans, because Valka said it best, greedy humans ruin everything.

Hiccup and Astrid getting caught by a dragon and then going on a fun slide ride, and of course toothless comes through as the alpha to protect his humans, ALSO STORMFLY DONT THINK I FORGOT ABOUT HER, CUZ YES. I mean just like toothless Stormyfly will protect her human best friend, and I love her. 

How did I forget the next raid scene? I mean dang again the visuals and the lighting were just so spot on. Them all getting trapped? Valka being a badass and working with Cloudjumper to save them? Hiccup jumping and just escaping the clutches of Grimmels dragon? RUFFNUT

Ruffnut my girl dont think I forgot about you, I just I dont even know what to do with you. She was amazing, I mean shes just does not care, not scared that shes a prisoner, she fricking just talks about how ‘hot’ she is and just other random stuff about her life, like girl give me that confidence. But when she talked about the island i was like girl no dont do that, but her flying back and saying she doenst look back in response to being asked about being followed was pretty darn funny.

Bro the scene of the light fury and toothless getting captured? Toothless protecting her and telling the other dragons to stand down, at least until they can escape. Just heart breaking, help is so close, but I guess thats the downside of being the alpha, having that power can be used against you.

Astrid my girl, pep talking my boy Hiccup JUST LIKE THE FIRST MOVIE. And yes parallels again, just like in the first one Astrid said things to hiccup, she was very honest with him pointing out the things that had done wrong, the first pointing out how messy the situation got because of the lies, and in this movie pointing out how he constantly doubts himself, and in both Hiccup has a sassy comment regarding her pep talks, but Astrid always follows up with the good, like how he was the first viking to ride a dragon or how he was always brave, even without toothless, showing how she would always be by his side to support him and help him, especially when hes about to do something stupid. I just ugg they are couple goals, they dont even need to say I love you because they SHOW IT in their actions, in their support for eachother, their cute banters, and I am here for it. ALSO I MEAN HE KISSED HER HAIR EARLY AND THEN HER FOREHEAD THOSE ARE SO CUTE TO ME AND JUST SO NATURAL FOR THEM AHHH. Also “so what are you gunna do about it” “probably something stupid” YES YES YES I AM HERE FOR THAT SHIT

Everyone jumping off the island so they can ‘fly’ on their own, just first off so visually amazing, and second off so symbolic to me of each of them spreading their own wings and growing up into amazing people. 

Fishlegs and his baby dragon, I mean come on lets be real that shit is adorable, and baby dragon had his big dragon (does that dragon have a class name? because I dont remember it) friend and Fishlegs be like dont mess with baby dragon. 

Yooo I knew it, from the trailer I was like “Tuffnut is probs pissed that this dude cut off his hair beard” and boom it happned, but rip hair beard (until the end of the movie that is when it comes back)

Yall that unspoken scene where Hiccup and Astrid are just frickin shit up WHILE THEY JUST LOOK AT EACHOTHER, I MEAN HICCUP JUST CASUALLY THROWS SHIT TO START A FIRE AND THE ENTIRE TIME THEY ARE STARING AT EACHOTHER HAVE A CONVERSATION COMPLETELY WITH THEIR EYES LIKE THAT IS SOME NEXT LEVEL SHIT AND COUPLE GOALS.

I got such satisfaction out of Toothless destroying grimmels arrow shoter thing and watching as Grimmel started to get afraid, I mean this dude was so confident in his abilites, and up until now he has had the upper hand, but then you can see the “oh shit moment” as he realizes he is starting to lose and heck yea im here for it. Speaking of oh shit moments, when hiccup was riding toothless and they wer getting attacked? and then toothless is like “I SUMMON YOU THOR AND YOUR LIGHTING” and hiccup was like WTH?!!??!?!?

Ok yall that scene when toothless got shot, and hiccup is hanging from the light fury with grimmel on his leg? I mean Grimmel really thought that he had won, he underestimated the love Hiccup has for Toothless, and the moment that Hiccup told the light fury to save Toothless and he let go? the hesitation she had trying to pick who to save? her new mate, or his best friend that she now seems to understand has a great important meaning to toothless? The image of Hiccup falling, and the camera angle? I mean seeing him fall from above, seeing it in his face that he was content, content knowing that his best friend would be alive and safe and that Grimmel would no longer be able to hurt the dragons or his people? Such a self sacrifice, a true Chief just like his father. 

Then the light fury to the rescue! Hiccup being like LOL BYE GRIMMLE YOU DEAD. Also reminded me of when he started to ride toothless back in the first movie and they fell and hiccup got back on his back and in control just in time, because dang she saved him his butt just before he hit the water. But seriously I loved this scene, she went back for hiccup, she saw the interactions Toothless had with him, how Toothless protected him and Astrid in the hidden world, how Toothless CHOSE HICCUP when he saw him in danger in the hidden world, she came to realize that this boy is important to Toothless, and she saw that Hiccup was willing to die for Toothless, and she went back and saved him, and God I got emotional.

Also Hiccup leaning on Astrid because he has lost his prostectic leg, yessss im here for it

NOW TO THE REAL TEAR JERKER I mean gosh you could just see the realization again in Hiccup that the dragons didnt belong with them on Berk, that even though they love the dragons and the dragons love them, even though they have worked together for years and they want to live together in peace they just cant do it safely.There are too many people out in the world who would attack berk, and we have seen that both in the movies and the show, and that puts both the people and the dragons at risk. 

It was safest for everyone if the dragons went to the hidden world, where no one could find them, well expect Hiccup and Astrid who have been there once. I just cant though, that scene was just so amazing and heart crushing. I mean you can see it that Toothless doesnt want to leave his best friend, and Hiccup doenst want him to leave, but he reassures him that its ok that its best for everyone and that its time to say good bye for now, not forever though. Then oh God how Astrid follows him, because she knows hes right too, she knows that they can no longer live with their dragons safely, and she takes off Stormflys saddle and says good bye to her best friend. THEN VALKA who has lived with the dragons for 20 years, she knows too and she doenst hesitate to let Cloudjumper go free, and it made so much sense to me that she was so willing to do so even after being together for 20 years, she has protected them for 20 years so there is no doubt in my mind that Valka would do this without a second though if it meant that was the best thing for her friend. THEN OMG EVERYONE ELSE FOLLOWS THAT JUST HURT SO MUCH. I mean ever single Berkian seens what Hiccup did, and everyone knows they have a special bond, I mean they all have a special bond with their dragons, but Hiccup and Toothless are different, they were the only pair that we know of that needed each other to fly, I mean sure the other vikings needed their dragons to fly but their dragons didnt need them to fly, toothless relied on hiccup to control his tail and that bond is so special. Anyway, I just thought that all the others saw Hiccup doing this, and hes their Chief the man who started the whole riding dragons for them, so I have no doubt in my mind that they would follow his lead, and again to me they see Hiccup and Toothless doing this letting go, so they must think “If these two can do it so can I”. I just really think it shows how much the vikings truly care for their dragon friends, when you love someone you want the best for them, you want them to be happy, even if that means you need to say goodbye. And thats what happened here the vikings loved their dragons so much that they were willing to say goodbye to their friends if it meant that they would be save, and the same goes in the other direction, the dragons are not dumb and I believe they knew that leaving is what was best too, that leaving meant that their viking friends would be safer. The love they all have for each other is so amazing. I only wish that the goodbye was long, I am so bad at goodbyes and omg I just wish they had a longer time to say goodbye, not only to their dragons but to the others as well, I mean toothless saying goodbye to Astrid and Stormfly too Hiccup? uG I SUCK AT GOOD BYWS OK I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO BE ABLE TO SAY GOOD BYE TO ALL THE DRAGONS.

But man i said to myself ‘you can do it dont cry’ didnt work, I sobbed, legit sobbed, and it wasnt my normal movie cry were its just tears, it was the kind where you can feel the pain in your chest from your heart beating to hard, from trying to hold back the chocked sobs so no one else would  get annoyed, although lets be real they are did the same thing so we all cried.  Seeing them all fly off, AND THE REVERSE HAND TOUCH I CANNOT, THAT REALLY HURT I JUST COULDNT TAKE IT THE PARALLELS REALLY KILLED ME THE ENTIR MOVIE. Then Toothlesses look back at Hiccup, and then the long shot and seeing the massive wave of dragons, and then seening toothless following from the back as he is the last to leave, the vikings looking on with sadness and fondness for their dragons, really did come for my heart.

NOW ONTO HAPPY TIMES. the Wedding, oh my god, how lucky can a girl be? I got to see the mother of all my OTPs get married, and dang they were beautiful, and they looked so happy, it just warmed my heart to know that these two dorks who truly have a special relationship finally got married. Then Gobber called them Chief and Chiefstriss and wow really hit me hard that these two were going to lead Berk together, because they are always there to support each other. THEN that kiss so cute, and how Hiccup goes to gently cup her face with his hands, just wow my otp is the best.

Then we again have love master Tuffnut who will take Snotlout as his new student, and FISHLEGS HAS A LITTLE BABY GRUNKLE STUFFED ANIMAL IN HIS BAG. aND RUFF being like “you win i love sensitive guys” Then we have Hiccup and Astrid looking out to the sea as their friends and family come together with them, and Astrid lays her head on his shoulder so great.

Now dang my boy HICCUP WITH A BEARD??? BEARDCUP IS REAL, and he is wearing his fur cap, and Astrid looking like a frickin QUEEN, and AGAIN HOW LUCKY CAN A GIRL BE I SEE A WEDDING AND I GET CHILDREN????? MY OTP HAS TWO CHILDREN???? AND THEY ARE GORGEOUS.

buT DANG when they saw Toothless through the fog and then the light fury and then the little baby heads pop up, and you can see how happy Hiccup is. But Toothless doenst immediatly recognize him, which makes sense because I mean 10 year for humans can change the looks drastically, and hiccup has a beard now so he doenst look like what toothless remembered, plus hes the alpha and must protect his family. Astrid protecting her children like a frickin badass mom, and Zephry hidding behind her mom and Nuffink going into her chest? Ug love it, they trust their mom to protec them, and I love this to because it really shows that they are children, I mean I have no doubt that Astrid and Hiccup are going to raise them to be brave, I mean its Hiccup and Astrid, but they are still children and well they have grown in a world without dragons, different than their parents, we know at that age Astrid was fearless, I mean she wanted to fight a flightmare, but now the world has changed and they arent at war and they can raise their kids as kids, and I love that they showed that fear in the children it just gave a sense of realism to me. 

Then HIccup DID THE THING with the hand and Toothless finally was like “WAIT THIS IS MY HUMAN” and his eyes went big and omg how he attacked him with kisses and licks. Then Astrids laugh to see them reunite, and them urging their kids that it was ok, and remember before when I said they would raise brave kids? Well this little cuties were afraid, but they still listened and trusted their parents, and omg Zephry was so stiff from fear and her face, and Nuffink was hiding his face, but Hiccup came and showed them how to approach Toothless, and wow here we go again with the hand touch and HIccup telling them to let him come to them, and Toothless did the thing AND OMG THEIR REACTION WAS SO CUTE. The way Zephry cocked her head and smiled, and how Nuffink dropped his hand from his face and his mouth widened in awe of his dragon. 

THEN I GET TO SEE HICCUP WITH HIS SON RIDING TOOHTLESS? AND HIS SOON IS JUST MAKING THE CUTEST LITTLE WAVING MOTIONS WITH HIS HANDS. And hiccup throwing his kid in the air as he giggles in delight, and I swear I heard him say “Dada” and it killed me. Then Astrid being Astrid flys right passed them ON STORMFLY, like thank you for not forgetting about my girl, because she loves Stormfly and Stormfly loves her and seeing Astrid ride her with her daughter just made the scene even better. They could have easily forgotten about my girl, but they didnt, they didnt do her dirty, I may not have gotten to see the moment when she and Stormfly met again, BUT I SAW THEY RIDING TOGETHER AND THATS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

Oh yea bonus points for seeing the light fury and the babies flying with them. Then Hiccup just flys upside down dropping Nuffink on Astrids head, and ug the way he just casually clings to his mother, then I was like wow I hope Zephry gets to ride Toothless with he father, AND THEN HE PULLED UP NEXT TO THEM AND HELD OUT HIS HAND TO DO JUST THAT, dreamworks you really came through for me, thank you so much for allowing Dead and all the other hard workers of this franchise make this amazing world for us. It tore my heart apart, but I loved every second of it, and I have no regrets, it was honestly a great ending,no matter how badly it hurt and how badly I wanted them to live together forever, it was just the perfect ending with a great lesson about letting go and moving on, becoming your own person, and being happy with the memories you had, because being able to say you loved something or someone and letting them go is better than never loving them at all, thats what happend to the vikings and dragons, and thats what happened to me personally at the end of it all. I cant wait to relive the magic and watch all the movies again. 

oh how could I forget? The end credits, you thought the pain ended with the end of the movie nope the credits are going to give you every major scene from each movie, reminding us where we started and where we have come to, and that was just the cherry on top of it all. 

Also side note a girl sat behind me and she goes “is that a toothless plushie?” and yes it was so she asked to see it so i handed him to her and we started talking about the movie, she was able to see it during an early release boo i had work. Anyway she asks me how old i was when the first came out, and I said 16, she seemed shook and i asked her the same, she said she was 5, so if math does me right she would be about 14/15. I was older than she is currently is when the first movie came out, thats wild. Then i laughed off the age difference saying “you would never know ill be 25 in a week”, and her (i assume) mom said I looked young haha. But because of the age difference I gave her some good life advice, I told her not to care about what others think of you, Im almost 25 crying over a dragon movie that means the world to me as i sit with my dragon plushie, and her mom just agreed with me and told her to listen to me because I knew what I was saying haha. Shout out to this girl too because shes the one who told me that Hiccup and Astrids’s kids had cannon names, I had been avoiding everything I could about this movie so I was glad to be up to date on that.

Wow this took me like 2 hours to write i think? I mean yea it was mostly for me to read later in life so I can remember this day, all the photos i took before hand, and all the excitement I had, wow Hi future me! Sorry about all the grammar mistakes but Im just typing as the thoughts come, hope I didnt break your heart again as you read all this. Until next time

Proportion Surviving

by Renee Gladman, from Juice (Kelsey St. Press, 2000)

Long before the fresh apple crisis, my life had some form to it. I would wake in the mornings—I would perform something. For example, the day I tried, as one with acute passion might, to win one woman over but accidentally won another—that whole time I had been living like someone. Though I can’t remember his name. His model of optimism provided me with a certain geography that I inhabit in time of need. This time the need was surprising. People tend to have faith that the juice they drink in the morning is the same juice they have always drunk. And apples take their shape naturally. The guy, whose name escapes me now, taught me to look upon others’ concerns as mine to make at home. I was fond of doing many things at home, but my favorite was drinking juice. When my friends came by—they liked to suddenly show up with all kinds of breads in their hands, thinking they knew what I needed and planning to force it on me—I had to tell them I was busy with my juice. Two weeks before the crisis, I had been writing some poems about it. It was a warm day, not entirely different from other warm days in San Francisco. People were on the street. Pale people were on the street, making it to the park and lying there such that the next day they were a little browned. The poems I had written were failures, but dense ones. It seemed appropriate to think the person’s attempt at wholeness was a series of missteps, which if drawn across an afternoon might prove interesting to other people. I had a way of reminding my friends that we were all in pain, but a fruit tart kind of pain strangers can’t help but enjoy. That day I had, in a sense, gathered all my possessions and gone out onto the street with them. I awoke that morning with an urgency to prepare myself for something—not anything life threatening, but definitely personal. My lover, then, wanted to spend much of her life asleep. She had no ostensible reaction to the city’s sudden depletion of all its fresh apples and no hope for them. In a world where a person’s tastes revolve around the kind of sleep she gets, I could not find four people who cared. I thought that if I could find those four people we could really do something. A few of my friends pretended they were chosen. A few neighbors felt bad and made offers. My mother called to console me. My lover—in actuality, the closest person to being a member of the encumbered troop, slept next to me. Sleep became our network: falling in and out of it for change. The rule of survival is that no two people can lie in the same bed and sleep at the same time. So I kept an eye on her and played this game of freshness. If by morning I could quickly run out and do seven things that did not involve longing, she would reward me. Before the crisis, the reward would have needed only to be an apple one. But after the apples were gone. The landscape usually contains the solution to what’s lost. Demographics help people in cars. Some people did not notice me. Some demographers lose sleep and do not notice me. That was two days before. The evening before it was two days before the crisis, I was thinking that I did not think I was asleep. I had been watching the sunlight take the corner of my room and my housemate’s cat in it. When I looked again, there was no light—but I had not been asleep. It’s the way people react to traumatic events. They say, “I had just been there” or will say, “She was just with me.” So the loss of light was emotional and the lost state—demographic. I began to trace things by their disappearance. Alone in the room, my memory, and anticipated darkness going for light. People like to talk about the daytime. People in strange moods often miss the daytime. Before the crisis it was not often that one would find me in strange moods. I had managed a particular kind of balance fortified by a certain satisfaction of taste. I was happy. I mean, I was in my juice. Five weeks before the crisis, I was employed at the natural foods grocery around the corner from my house. I did not really work there, but I went there every week. All but the third Sunday of each month, I would walk in and find all kinds of juice on sale. Not to buy, but to stand next to. Shorter people have the privilege of proximity to most cardboard signs. That was one thing. I would stand there and be something for taller people who couldn’t see. I had gotten into the habit of improvised customer service as a way to peruse the juice aisles without being noticed. My parents thought my talents should have led me somewhere. My father would always say, “If you’re not going to be a people person, then numbers will have to do.” He was surprised that with all the time I had on my hands, I chose to spend most of it alone. Numbers then did hold some mystery for me, but mostly too high and far-reaching to explore. For years I had known that if there was a wall between where I was and where I needed to be, I did not want it there. Some people have personal goals that are demanding. Certain goals make it impossible to lounge around in bed. My decision to drink only fresh juice, which costs as much as a small satisfying breakfast, kept me busy rounding up cash. I would have to leave most friendships behind. As a way of keeping my life “wall-free,” I had to divide my time. I would spend the first part of the day searching for volunteer positions in organic juice factories. The second part of my day I would spend telling people about the first part. The other parts are not of substance here. Twenty-five years before the crisis I had for the first time what would eventually become known to me as apple juice. Twenty-three years later a magazine editor would reject my first attempt to recount that experience in litany. I am always drinking in my poems, a good friend says. In the first years of my life, everything I ate was mush. Today I will tolerate only the toughest of green vegetables and date people who will always forget this. When I had that remarkable glass of apple juice, I had no idea that one day I simply would not be able to find it. The city gets rid of its apples. People find themselves inventing fruit. The day I decided to write poems about it—it was twelve days before the rumors began and fourteen days before the media coverage—I had been resting in my best friend’s easy chair. We were discussing the rise of the smoothie industry when something fantastic occurred to me. Five days later I had twenty poems. When a person writes a poem about her passions, people on the street are bound to notice them. The passions overwhelm the body. She carries the body as though it were the book. The friend whose easy chair gave way to my failures moved out of town the next week, and though I miss her it was the failures that saved me. On every other day any kind of crisis one finds particular sayings helpful. If certain words are spoken quietly into a cup of hot water, with the handle of the cup turned toward the wall, whatever strength found in the person may be mirrored in the wall. The person leaves the house with her hand against this wall but strutting slightly. In the alley behind the natural foods grocery, I met my second lover for the first time. Meeting people in vulnerable places accentuates the passion later. Or it may be so hot that the lover never thinks in the present. And the weather was so hot during the crisis. Only the alleys had shade. Forty-eight days into the crisis, while on a thirst strike, I had to make a run for the alley. Not as though people were after me, but the elements. The foundation of anyone feeling that they must get away is need; at the bottom of any body-based need is grace. When I appeared at the opening of the alley, a woman who not twenty-four hours later would be dozing in my bed was stacking crates against the east-side wall. Women who work against surfaces inspire me to do things—I thought about telling her, or—short women make me want things. All the time while I was growing up I put a lot of demands on my juice; forty-eight days into the crisis she made me forget it. I did not forget it, but was embroiled. The newspapers were saying things about the past. People were celebrating thick juice, and I kept writing those poems. That day in the alley I realized three things about life. While assisting her I learned three things to carry around with me, to disperse when needed. For six months during the crisis, I did not care about the crisis. When my faith returned all my lovers were gone. That morning I woke to the two hundred and thirty-second day of the crisis; I was beneath my bed. It was the sixth day that I had awakened beneath my bed. I was lonely, but I was also sure. Life without juice had taken on the name and shape of my weakest character, who—when we passed on the street—did not know me. I knew it was me by the way my head felt: people find themselves in an idea and feel so specified by the idea that they are compelled to show it. Today all my ideas are liquid. That day of my faith, friends thinking I was sick came by to see me. It would be the last day I spent alone; I was happy, but still would not drink. The juice on my mind was no longer juice. There was an absence there, but one so constant it became familiar. I did not want to drink it.

My eyes went wide at Jess’s actions, thanking god that Sarah finally let up once Jess had let go, grabbing her things and leaving. “Fuck all of you!” She called, before slamming the door behind her. Luckily, my parents tended to be on my side when it came to my sister, so they didn’t really judge Jess for what she did. “I-I didn’t abandon them…” I stammered, trying to contain my emotions. “I promise I didn’t. I needed to leave. I couldn’t stay here with her…” I told the group, trying to defend myself. “I wanted to bring them with me but I couldn’t…I didn’t have enough money to even take care of myself let alone them at the time…” I said, starting to cry a little. As much as I loved being with my family, little things like my sister completely ruined them for me. “I begged them to come with me, even though I knew they couldnt..” I cried. “I tried to save them so many times…”

Jess relaxed when she left the house, knowing Mykie could relax now. Yoongi rushed straight over, holding her in his chest so she could cry freely. "You're safe babygirl I promise. She won't ever come near you again. I can promise you that." He had his business voice on, even though it was still loving towards Mykie. "How about we go check out our new house? Come back tomorrow?" He nodded towards his mother who smiled sweetly back and nodded.

I was so scared he was gonna hurt me.

Why did he have a picture of another girl in his wallet after telling me that he hadnt had a girlfriend in a year. Why did he hum when i asked about it. Why did he take over a day constantly to respond. Why did he have an excuse as to why he couldnt talk on the phone everytime it wasnt planned. Why didnt he message me asking about me and barely even responded to my messages. Why didnt he seem to want to see me. Why was he able to go to a salan with pink eye but not see me or call me. Why did he saying crazy nice things the same night that he met me. Was he really sick. Did his phone rlly break. Was he really sleeping

I was paraoid and asked him if he was talking to another girl and if thats why he kept taking so long to respond and told him he gave me a yeast infection

I said mean things when he responded to a fake account instead of me

And again got confrontational when he cancelled the date that i had planned to use to see if he actually cared about me and if i could trust him

Writing is all shortly here i sound so stupid. Like. Why did i try to beleive him? Obviously he was rlly just cheating on me all along

But i have been blaming myself over and over. Wondering if i caused him to eventually cheat on me

That last time. The date he cancelled and i confronted him to break up. And he conned me out of money instead. I was mad and upset and confrontational. He said it was ok. He wouldnt let me go back to his house to cuddle or anything- but said if i paid for a hotel then he wouldnt be tired! I didnt. And the manga cafe he took me too ended up being more expensive than he said because they wanted a card made. And i was so stressed and upset. That i just got emotional and didnt rlly use words. He took us from the front desk and i asked if he had even just 5 dollars for it

And im supid. Im stupid im stupid im stupid.

We talked about our birthdays on the first date cause mine was soon. He said his bday passed recently. And he said he wanted to celebrate my bday with me. I suggested we celebrate his late too and asked what he wanted to do

He immediately told me as though wed been together for a long time already - that he wants something from an expensive brand he likes and that clothes bags or accessories from there would make him happy.

I thought it was a lot to ask of someone you just got together with but didnt comment and asked what his favorite food is. He told me he wanted to eat yakiniku (rlly expensive japanese bbq)

And when i said mean things and afterwards apologized and asked if he could forgive me. He said he would if I bought him an accessory.

And that day he just kept pushing to see how much money he could grt me to spend on him and made sure to spend as much as possible on food no matter where wed go

And i knew all along but yet just let this shit happen

The manga cafe

We went out and i was sulking. I expected him to actually start walking away. To threaten to leave me there... he didnt. Hed walked ahead but came back and took my hand.

The mood became good again with some affections

And why im writing this is.... i told him before the day that i wanted the date because as id told him several times - the lack of affetion he gave me made me feel bad and i wasnt shown that someone cares about me i cant beleive it. If i know it i can have faith and trust. But ive been hurt to often to blindly trust.... and it shouldnt be that fucking simple - i shouldnt be.

How many people in my life have actually looked at me get emptional. And just walked away. Legit left me. I dont mean after the fact. Like out somewhere. I do or say something someone doesnt quite like - they just leave me - i have to chase after.

And he didnt... (physically)

So despite the fact that his story was even mor suspicious

I enjoyed my day with him...and i rlly thought maybe he rlly cared...

Two days later i made myself a salad for lunch. Right as i took it out if my fridge it exploded out of the container and all over the floor

I had sprayed bug spray on that very spot a few days before.

I threw the salad back in the box and angerly cleaned - now late when i had been early to leave for work

And so i ate it at work - for the first time a bit worried about poisoning myself.

And i probably started having a panic attack but I attributed the dizzyness and heavy chest and shorg breathe to

Maybe. I ate the bug spray

Usually in a situation like this i think - good. I hope it kills me.

But i thought myself thinking no - i dont want to die - i hope i didnt poison myself. Im not ready - i wanna see where this all goes with my boyfriend

I actually hoped not to die over him.... for just that moment. I was happy for a moment

hey can you write analyses about inuyasha. Like your opinion on who inuyasha loves more? and why you think so? And maybe share all your feels about inukag on certain episodes! Definitely want to hear your opinion since you're watching it for the first time! I really enjoy your blog!

im so flattered by this ask & so so happy you enjoy my blog T-T

i’ve been thinking about this alllll day so here goes it!

so first all, i think Inuyasha is sucha great, great show. It takes a lot for me to really get into a show, let alone create a whole blog dedicated to it, and inuyasha was really able to grasp my attention within the first episode. I either like or dislike a show, and i freaking LOVE inuyasha. The characters are so dynamic and different and all such bad ass bitches in their own ways, and i LIVE for that! and of course the ships in the show makes it 1000000x better. Though there are a lot of episode and people may find that to be dragging, i think it’s really great bc the show preciously shows the story line and doesn’t let its viewers miss out on any detail. Whether it’s just one line or an entire scene, inuyasha really knows how to keep its viewers interested.

Before I give my opinion on who I think Inuyasha more, I think it’s really important to first show I analyze both Kikyo and Kagome (based on what I’ve watched which is up to season 6 so far).

So, let’s take a look back at Kikyo - Kikyo was obviously taken away by Inuyasha, as we saw in the flashbacks, she spent quite sometime with inu, whether it was to seriously talk or just take a simple stroll. From what I’ve seen so far, Kikyo’s love for Inuyasha is much more mature and serious. Kikyo knows what her duty in life was, and that was to protect the sacred jewel. Kikyo and Inu talked more on serious terms, while of course, also enjoying each other’s company, which made both of them forget about their worries and flaws for awhile. She tries to convince Inu to use the shikon jewel to make him fully human. Not only did Kikyo want this as a way to be with him for eternity, but also because she wanted to settle down. She wanted to settle down with someone who has made her feel much differently than ever before. Kikyo wanted to spend the remainder of her life with Inuyasha, and help him grow and just embrace in one another in what they are - a priestess and half-demon. They were defying all odds and both her and Inu fell in love with that. Kikyo wanted Inuyasha to grow up, but to also grow old with her. 

Now, Kagome, despite being Kikyo’s reincarnation, is much more different than Kikyo and I think that has to be one of the most beautiful parts to this “love triangle,” if you will. Finding Inuyasha pinned to the Sacred Tree in the Feudal Era was, obviously, life-changing for her. She was confused, curious, and also a bit scared. However, after Inuyasha saves the village from a demon, I believe she finds herself feeling more safe. Though Kagome didn’t realize it, she had already developed a little crush - a little baby crush. But this soon turns into an innocent, childish love. Not childish like immature, but childish like new and unaware. Kagome loves Inuyasha and yearns to be by his side to experience new adventures, new feelings, new knowledge, and just have fun. Kagome wants to experience everything first with Inu. However, despite her love that runs so deep, she is mature enough to understand that Kikyo will always by Inu’s first: his first love. Though this breaks her heart, she swallows her pride and embraces Inuyasha’s decision to pursue Kikyo first and forth most. Her love is so genuine, she just wants the chance to experience life by his side, even if that means Inuyasha doesn’t reciprocate that same desire.

Therefore, I believe that Kagome loves Inuyasha more (if that wasn’t already obvious lol). I cannot fully express the amount of love Kagome has for Inuyasha. It takes so much courage, understanding, and LOVE to be able to watch the person you love, basically, love someone else and, subconciously, puts you to second-best. As I previously explained, Kagome wants to experience life with Inu by all means necessary. She lives for the arguments, laughter, and danger that comes their way. She knows that though he still has feelings for Kikyo, Inu would never hesitate to protect/save Kagome, and that’s what puts her mind to ease. Her innocent, childish, yet mature love for Inuyasha is impossible for me to ignore because it’s so much more than just “love” itself.

So, if you see all my posts, you’ll obviously see how i go completely berserk when an inukag moment happens, even if it’s for a split second, my heart literally cannot contain itself. Since there are sooooooooooooooooooooo many inukag moments/episodes, I’ll just talk about my top three that I can remember off the top of my head for now!

Season 1, Episode 1-2

of course i had to mention the ICONIC episode(s) that started it all. When i first watched the episode, I didn’t really know what to expect. I used to watch the show when I was younger, but I was like 6 so of course I had no idea what was going on. So let me tell you, how messed up I am now when Kagome saw Inuyasha, on that tree, all helpless, but yet “sleeping” so soundly….I’M REAL MESSED UP. When she reaches for Inu’s lil doggy ears it hurts me so much because I love his lil doggy ears and how he wiggles it around when he hears something or people talk about it. Just the mere fact that Kagome pulled out the arrow out of him (((EVEN THO EVERYONE TOLD HER NOT TO BECAUSE HE WILL KILL EVERYONE))) just makes me really want to punch myself in the face or something because even she knew!!! she had to do it!!! And then as the episode goes on and Inu keeps calling her Kikyo i’m honestly like “really man” and of course it’s understandable why Kagome gets so uptight about it. But that whole thing is the first-hand example of how Inu cannot forget Kikyo. Anyways, when Lady Kaede puts the spell on Inu and gives him a necklace that can’t be taken off and thus the infamous “Sit!” comes in…. dude, when inu just sits there all sassy because he can’t do anything it melts my heart lmao. Then of course in the following episodes Inu and Kagome have to team up to find the shards after Kagome accidentally shatters it, and thus INUKAG IS BORN OUO

 Season 2 Episode 48

Okay, let’s be real here. This episode is/was the actual source of my TEARS. LIKE!!!!!!!! As soon as I realized that Kagome was going to end up seeing Kikyo I was screeching my poor precious Kagome her innocent precious eyes, I didn’t NOT want her to see that T-T But so she did, and my heart was ripped out yet again… When Inu hugged Kikyo and says that he’s the only who to protect her, I was both sad and mad but more sad because !!!KAGOME!! and then when he turns around and sees Kagome and he looks at her with those precious little puppy dog eyes….all the feels man…. all the feels…. Then when Kagome goes back home and thinks about Inu and Kikyo and wishes Kikyo didn’t exist I FELT THAT like spiritually mentally physically… Then later on in the episode when Kagome decides that it’d be best to never go back to the feudal era and give back the shards and forget about Inuyasha and all I literally started crying. I was in my school library and I was crying in my cubicle. but OK AT THE END WHEN INUYASHA AND KAGOME TALK AND I FELT THE TENSION AND EVERYTHING AND KAGOME EXPRESSED HOW SHE UNDERSTANDS THAT INU WILL ALWAYS HAVE FEELINGS FOR KIKYO, BUT SHE STILL WANTS TO STAY BY HIS SIDE AND HOLDS HIS HAND AND THEY WALK TOGETHER!!!!! LIKE!!!! THAT IS WHY IM SO FOR INUKAG AND KAGOME IS A BOSS ASS BITCH. SHE IS SO MATURE AND LOVES INUYASHA SO DEEPLY AND JUST WANTS TO LOVE HIM AND LIVE LIFE WITH HIM AND MAKE SURE HE’S HAPPY AND OUT OF HARMS WAY AND JUST BURY ME WITH MY SHIP

Season 4 Episode 89

Let me just say that i freaking LIVE for episodes that take place in the modern dimension, because I know Inuyasha will always find his way into there because Kagome always gets back “late” (yeah ok or he just CANT STAND NOT SEEING HER) and Inuyasha in modern day is so adorable because he’s so lost and clueless and so used to fighting demons and monsters that he doesn’t even know what it’s like to walk in a city and i just LOVE it. Anyways, the tHING THAT REALLY GOT ME IS HOW OK HOJO ALWAYS GIVES KAGOME FOOD AND FRUITS TO CURE HER “ILLNESSES” BUT IN THIS EPISODE INUYASHA DOES SOME OF HIS OWN HUNTING AND GATHERING AND GETS INGREDIENTS FOR KAGOME AND BRINGS A GIANT LOAD OF IT BACK TO HER HOME AND HE MAKES IT AT HER HOME AND JUST T______T I CANNOT. Then at night when he pat Kagome as she fell asleep and he watched over her and looked through her photo album, i was living and i was loving it. Like my inukag feels NEED these things. And he just spent the night with her like fck my shit up ugh. and when Kagome woke up the next morning and realized she was gonna be later and Inu rushed her to get dressed and took her to school for her “test” !!!!!! I COULDNT HE WAS SO HAPPY TO TAKE HER TO SCHOOL AND HAPPILY WAITED FOR HER TO FINISH UP THE SCHOOL DAY AND HE WAS JUST SO PRIDEFUL AND HAPPY AND WANTS KAGOME TO EXCEL BECAUSE HE KNOWS SHE CAN AND THATS WHEN MY HEART BURSTED 

once again thank you so much for this ask, and anyone who read this!! I know its A LOT but i have a LOT of feelings and inukag murders my soul but i love it and now cannot live without it. Thank you for allowing me to pour out all my emotions

March 15, 2017

(Warning for anyone who reads this, really probably only Clare, and Anna, but this one might get wierd. I mean if you guys read this I am still not sure if people look at this blog or not. Remember this is my unfiltered emotions about the day, and is a diary where I record my thoughts… so really dont read this one okay guys really i swear dont read it dont fucking read it). Woke up it was my birthday today. Me and Anna were talking last night until pretty late, but I had a fucking lab to do, actually two, but yeah those labs sucked. Went to bed at three, and finished them in the morning. My parents made me waffles this morning, which isn’t not normal I mean we make waffles all the time, but I appreciated the gesture. They also bought me more fucking cologne, the expensive shit, which I am very happy about because it wasn’t to much. I totally forgot how fast it shoots out when you first get a new bottle think I accidently put way to much on but whatever. I missed first period on purpose, because i couldnt do three tests in one day. In chem the tests went better than I thought, but two problems I just couldn’t get. I have the second part of the test tomorrow. After that I saw Anna, which is always nice, and we sat in the art room with maggie, and theo. Maggie was continuing her painting of plums, and like I was watching amy curry paint something a few days ago, and like goddamn is it relaxing watching people that know how to paint, paint. I have no idea what to do though, because Jason came up, and like the whole situation with him as just gotten way overblown, which is understandable, because there is so much emotion intertwined into the predicament. I just feel so guilty about the whole thing, because I don’t know if Anna was okay with cutting him off, and I know she did it by her own accord, but I basically accidently told her to when she found that private blog. I mean I didn’t want it to happen like that, but I really don’t know what I wanted to happen. I want them to be friends because I know she enjoyed that friendship, and her being happy is important to me. Would I have been fine if she had cut him off for like other reasons yeah, but now that I am the reason I just feel bad. Saw Colin today we had wierd interaction in the hallway. He was probably just having a bad day. Still was wierd though. I just sat with hannah at lunch and scrambled to do math homework because kristiana was on the photo trip so. But she didnt even check the homework. Ooooh and mr. Boogaard fucking cornered me and forced me to say I could take the test. Math was fine, just checked the homework. Gym was good I studied for my math test, but me and clare couldnt walk outside because of the fucking snow so that sucked. In english we are watching a beautiful movie, and like every few seconds I just want to gasp because it is either beautiful or just extremely genius. Then study hall came around, and I took my math test, and it went well I think, i was rushing though because I thought I had to take a history test that I hadn’t studied for in like a few minutes. But when I walked out of the library I was just like no not going to happen today it’s my birthday not gonna be taking a fucking history test sorry mr. Boogaard. Lowkey scared how he is gonna react to that tomorrow though like really. I sent him an email at like 3 in the morning so hopefully he gets it. I walked home with Anna. It was nice, but then we seperated ways. Me and sean were talking about sex, and shit today. (Alright stop reading now after this ppint is where it will get wierd so stop reading everybody if there is anybody reading dont read it i swear Anna Clare if you went against my wishes and got to this point okay, but do not continue) He was fucking exasperated with me. Because he was talking about how he just wanted to hook up with anybody, just like a one night stand type of deal, and he was like asking me about Anna and shit. And i was like even if Anna asked me right now to have sex I would say no, and he totally didnt understand. I dont know maybe I’m weird, but like how are you supposed to just have sex with someone you know. There has to be like a stromg intimate connection there, and I mean that takes time I feel like. But he thought I was fucking stupid so idk, it does sound awfully feminine, but I mean what’s wrong with that. So yeah I still dont kmow if he is gonna asl out ashley or not hopefully not because she will reject him, but also I kind of hope he does because I want to see what she will say or how she’ll reject him. Anna thinks I should tell him not to do it but idk. I picked up icecream from my house, and I also brought a bowl because I didnt know if Anna would be one of those people to not like eating out of the same container, and I mean i am usually one of those people so I would understand, but I mean if I am going to be kissing her like sharing icecream is like nothing so. Brought it just in case though. We are getting through gilnore girls pretty fast although I have no fucking idea about what happened in the last few episodes we watched. I mean I have already seen it twice ao it doesn’t really matter. Ah but kissing her is so good, and just feeling her body, and being close to her, and she is so beautiful, and amazing I dont know what to do with myself. We’ve been going to like a house that she has been house sitting at though, which has been great because we can be fucking alone, but apparently she is losing the house soon so what the fuck are we going to do then. I mean it’s not like we can make out like that in my house, and while her house is larger I am deathly afraid of her parents walking in on us. I mean that would be so fucking bad I think they would literally murder me. So i dont know what we are going to do because we cant just stop or I cant at least she’s addicting. So idk and it’s way to cold outsidr, but hopefully it will get warmer. Ah there are so many things I would like to do with her, snd I cant wait. Going to the beach with her especially. It will be beautiful i mean the beach is beautiful enough, but with her there like it’s going to be fucking insane. Idk and the beach is my child hood I mean we’d like go every weekend no matter what season or month. I mean my family all grew up there, and I sort of grew up there even if I didnt live there. So hopefully I’ll get to take her there too. Hooefully that’s the beach we go to. I mean it’s the best beach, but she probably has another in mind. But yeah being with her was amazing, and is amazing. But also it’s like I’ve totally stopped caring about anything, but her, and that isnt good because I have so much fucking work, and every so often i think about it and I get so anxious for like a few seconds and I need to do it, but I cant think. Alright well I got home, and had chicken soup with cheese, because it tastes better with cheese, and some fried rice. (Another wierd thing coming uo dont read please)(really dont)(please) I havent masturbated in a while, which is wierd, but literally all the porn I used to look at just doesnt turn me on, and I dont know what’s up, but it’s cool, and yeah that’s all basically that was my birthday. It was pretty great in my book. Sent mr. Boogaard an email so hopefully he gets it before I have to see him. Agh I love Anna so much it kills me. Alright going to sleep for another hour I think

It has been quite sometimes since my last post. Well looks like im getting back to tumblr, more frequent i guess. This is the only medium to let out everything from inside my heart.

3 weeks or maybe 2 weeks has passed by since i decided to end my relationship with S. Yupp. It was a decision that really hard to make and after so many thoughts on it, I finally decided to tell him. It is unfair for him. He looked clueless the moment i said it out to him. I understood cause towards the end of our relationship i has started to distant myself. No more sharing stories, the morning ritual of wishing him happy working were no longer taken its place.

Looking into what has happened in few months back, I hv started to keep most of my feelings inside. Here is the reason why we communicate very less. I know i hv made the same mistake in my previous relationship by being silent. We had a really bad communication breakdown back then. Hence his decision of leaving me was truly understandable. Though it took me a year to gain back the strength and move on with my life but soon i was able to point out on my mistake.

Learning from that experience I started to become more frank with my feelings. I told S whenever i feel sad or missing him. How at some point i felt being "neglected" because he wanted to have a me time. Sometimes I texted him a few times (well the max is twice) as far as i could remember cause for certain reason he ignored my message. When it comes to S i hv to bear with him cause whenever he is not in a good mood or whenever he felt like he dont want to reply me then i will just have to be patient. Sometimes i burst out, but at the end of the day there was still no solution to it. He will become emotional and I will be the one who say sorry to him. In which i think maybe it really was my fault for not being considerate. After some time i decided to just keep things inside me. I did cry a lot. Like a lot. Cause i hv to suppress myself, cause i dont see him put an effort to find a better solution. I do love him till i cant be mad and up to a point that I would rather cry alone than to tell him "can u please dont do this to me".

I cant justify of being clingy or commitment. But S defined me of being clingy. In which i accepted it in a positive way by making change. Multiple times i asked him how he defines clingy? But as far as i remember he never give a definite answer to this. But being a human, i tried to interpret it in my own way. Maybe by texting him frequently is being clingy. Maybe i wasnt suppose to text him during weekend cause it is his me time. Well so i took up the last courage to refrain myself from texting him frequently. Out of my realization, soon i loss words to have a normal and casual conversation. I was no longer being the one that shares story.

That time my most frequent du'a is to have the courage and strength to forget him and to not to think about him. By any means, I wish I could forget him so that i wont hurt my own feelings. Prayers are really our weapon. Allah may not answer it there and then. I still remember how i struggled and i cried sebab i missed him sooo much. I hate myself for being so vulnerable. Being too weak over a guy.

Soon after i enrolled into mycorps program. Which took me 3 months of full commitment. At that point of time i think this might be the best beginning of me being independent and strong.

I did cry so many times just to reminisce how awful i am to have such a nasty intentions. The main reason of joining mycorps is because i wanted to learn how to not to remember him. How to eliminate the thought of him. Little did i know that Allah has answered my du'a. I started to be able to forget him, the usual rituals were out of the track not because i purposely did this but it all happened without me realizing it. I was so occupied with many things that I dont hv time for him or maybe i just dont put any effort to make time instead of waiting to have time.

And soon i realize that im happy with it. To finally able to become the less clingy Awanis that he wished for. But soon my conscious mind was thinking that "is this a revenge to him?" I tried to put that thought aside cause it has defeat my purpose.

S was a little bit frustrated with me that one day he suddenly said "i rasa u ditch i". At that moment i just realised that my action has hurt him. I was speechless cause i never hv the gut to do so. I hv promised not to hurt him what more to ditch him?

But this broken awanis started to have an idea to end this relationship. I prayed tahajood and asked for His guidance. I seek for His forgiveness cause im scared that im not doing justice to S. I did istikharah eventhough im confused im choosing between him or another person. Did my heart changed? I kept on denied it. Cause this is even worse.

I wish this healing process will be easier for him. If one could transfer the sadness to another person then just let only me who bears it all, and not S. I felt guilty and bad at the same time. But i just couldnt contain this feeling anymore. I found it us hard for me to be back to my old self. I felt my heart is no longer 100 percent for him anymore.

With that i decided to walk away from his life. Until the end there was no solution to our issues. I hope he will be able to open his heart to someone that is for sure far way better than me.

Now i started to realise that u may think yourself are prepared to share ur life with someone new (spouse) but Allah knows best. He is the All Knowing.

To S, this may seem cruel to u, i know i broke my promise. In this tumblr i hv wrote so many things about u. Ur kindness and everything. Know that it is never ur fault alone. It was my fault too. May u find happiness and a good spouse just like what u and ur mom has been wishing for. I know that i will never fit the criteria since the beginning but i was just too naive at that time.

Sincerely,

Still in the process of healing, Awanis 💕.

Inspiration from 7 Up, Lauren Oliver, Julien Baker, and More

Once a month (or so), I share a dozen things that have inspired me to greater personal, professional, and financial success in my life. I hope they bring similar success to your life. 1. Thoreau on happiness Happiness is like a butterfly, the more you chase it, the more it will evade you, but if you notice the other things around you, it will gently come and sit on your shoulder. Henry David Thoreau I spent a lot of years of my life chasing happiness, believing that I could somehow build a happy life. What I learned is that such an endeavor is basically impossible. Instead, you should try to build a life thats in line with what your values and principles are, and what youll find is that happiness naturally bubbles up as you get closer and closer to that destination. Happiness is a side effect of doing something worthwhile. When you do worthwhile things, happiness occurs naturally. If you chase happiness for happinesss sake, youll never actually catch it. [embedded content] From the Wikipedia entry on the series: The Up Series is a series of documentary filmsproduced by Granada Television that have followed the lives of fourteen British children since 1964, when they were seven years old. So far the documentary has had eight episodes spanning 49 years (one episode every seven years) and the documentary has been broadcast on both ITV and BBC. In a 2005 Channel 4 programme, the series topped the list of The 50 Greatest Documentaries. The children were selected to represent the range of socio-economic backgrounds in Britain at that time, with the explicit assumption that each childs social class predetermines their future. Every seven years, the director, Michael Apted, films material from those of the fourteen who choose to participate. The last installment, 56 Up, premiered in May 2012; Apted has stated that filming for 63 Up will occur in late 2018, for release in spring 2019. Apted has also been reported as saying: I hope to do 84 Up when Ill be 99. The aim of the series is stated at the beginning of 7 Up as: Why do we bring these children together? Because we want to get a glimpse of England in the year 2000. The shop steward and the executive of the year 2000 are now seven years old. The video embedded above (if you cant see it, you can reach it by clicking on the link) is the full documentary 7 Up, which covers the fourteen children as they were in 1964, as seven year olds. Each subsequent entry in the series revisits most of the children at seven year intervals in their lives, as things go in different directions for them. I watched these for the first time as a marathon in around 2002, when 42 Up was the newest entry available; I watched the entire series again a few years later after 49 Up was released, and yet again with the making of 56 Up. Each time it utterly charmed me and left me thinking about the fragility and difficulty and beauty of human lives. A few days ago, a friend of mine pointed out that all of the films were freely available on Youtube, so theres no reason not to dive in. This Youtube list contains the entire series, starting with 7 Up and continuing through 56 Up, the most recent entry. 3. Lauren Oliver on the whole of people I shiver, thinking how easy it is to be totally wrong about people; to see one tiny part of them and confuse it for the whole. Lauren Oliver I feel like this is a good quote to pair with 7 Up, actually. In that series and in fact, throughout our lives we get only relatively small glances at these people. We see only little slivers of their lives. Even with the best efforts of the filmmakers, this would be true; a filmmaker visiting a person for a few days once every seven years cannot capture their true nature. Yet, as I watch those films, I cant help but draw some conclusions. I think I would be friends with some of them, and Id probably avoid other ones. Those quick takes may or may not be accurate. Im making them based on really limited information about a person. I might be seeing that person at their best or at their worst. I might be seeing a quirky moment thats not emblematic of them as a whole. Its impossible to really tell. What I do know is this: some of the worst mistakes Ive made in life have been due to snap judgments about people, almost all of them more negative than they ever should have been. I drew some very negative conclusions about people and guided my behavior regarding them based on very little information mixed in with my own ideas and assumptions, and it has cost me many potential dear relationships over the years. The tiny part of a person that you actually see is a pretty poor representative of the whole. This article by Jason Fagone chronicles the store of Jerry and Marge Selbee, who, in their retirement, discovered and then exploited holes in the Michigan and Massachusetts state lottery systems. I found myself reading this article one evening while Sarah was busy grading papers, and I couldnt help but mention to her that this is literally the kind of thing that I can see us doing in retirement. Were both curious people who like to understand how systems work. We arent afraid to take big leaps of faith on things that we feel certain about. Id like to think that Sarah and I, in our later years, will go on a lot of quirky adventures, like Jerry and Marge. Im also sharing this because its just a fun story, a well written one by Jason Fagone. This ones really worth your time. 5. Benjamin Franklin on apologies Never ruin an apology with an excuse. Benjamin Franklin One of the hardest things to do is to genuinely apologize when youve made a mistake and not turn it into an excuse or an avenue for blaming others. Anything beyond I messed up is simply a way to deflect blame off of yourself and, in the process, make the apology a lot less valuable. An apology that ends up being nothing more than a redirection of blame or an excuse of a mistake is a worthless apology; in fact, youre often leaving things in an even worse state because the other person perceives that you wont own up to your mistakes. When you mess up, apologize sincerely without excusing your mistake or blaming others. Admit that you messed up, state that youre sorry for it, and that you want to do what you can to make it right and to make sure it wont happen again. Make it clear that its on you, not on anyone else. Its hard to do that. Its much easier to just shovel the blame onto someone or something else. If you do that, though, you eliminate virtually all of the meaning of the apology and look pretty weak to boot. [embedded content] From the description: Do you know what you want when you die? Do you know how you want to be remembered? In a candid, heartfelt talk about a subject most of us would rather not discuss, Michelle Knox asks each of us to reflect on our core values around death and share them with our loved ones, so they can make informed decisions without fear of having failed to honor our legacies. Life would be a lot easier to live if we talked about death now, Knox says. We need to discuss these issues when we are fit and healthy so we can take the emotion out of it and then we can learn not just what is important, but why its important. This whole video harkens back to a big theme Ive come to really understand in my life in the last few years. The best time to talk about something is when youre as far away from emotion as possible regarding that thing. So, for example, dont talk about death when youre sick. Talk about it when youre healthy and vibrant, so theres as little emotion as possible in the subject. When youre talking to your parents about aging, dont do it at their moment of weakness. Wait for a time of strength, when theyre feeling as healthy and unemotional as possible, and then have that discussion. Dont talk about a marital problem when youre both riding the wave of that problem. Talk about it when youre getting along well and youre far away from that problematic area emotionally. This is a key life lesson, one that has stuck with me over the years, and this video really highlights that idea. 7. Roy T. Bennett on self-improvement and criticism Let the improvement of yourself keep you so busy that you have no time to criticize others. Roy T. Bennett Unless criticism is asked for, criticism of others is rarely a worthwhile endeavor. It achieves very little and often has the opposite effect of what you desire, with the recipient ignoring the content of what youre saying and just being upset with you. Hold it in. If you dont have something worthwhile to say, then dont say it at all. That doesnt mean that one should never criticize. A person should definitely criticize from time to time, but it should generally be at the invitation of the person who seeks criticism and is looking for ways to improve. Brutal honesty doesnt achieve anything worthwhile. [embedded content] From the description: In March of 2016, just a handful of months after her debut album Sprained Ankle was released, Julien Baker came and played a quiet, thoughtful Tiny Desk concert that went on to become one of our most popular and certainly one of the most-talked-about Tiny Desk Concerts of the year. (Its now approaching two million views on YouTube alone.) Fast forward to the summer of 2017, when I heard that a new record was imminent. I dont usually ask an artist back for a second Tiny Desk Concert simply because they have a new release but for Julien, I had to make an exception. With all the love that surrounded her first visit to the NPR offices, I reached out to ask if she would be willing to do something different this time around. Last fall, she delivered. All the songs for her return to the Tiny Desk come from last years Turn Out The Lights. Just a few weeks before the albums release, she came to Washington; we tuned our piano, she brought violinist Camille Faulkner. The first two songs, Hurt Less and Even, were accompanied by Camille, with Julien on piano for the opening tune and acoustic guitar on the second. Its quite stunning, as she sings: Putting my fist through the plaster in the bathroom of a Motel 6 I must have pictured it all a thousand times I swear to God I think Im gonna die I know you were right I cant be fixed, so help me For the last, Julien put together an arrangement of Appointments that begins on electric guitar, which then was looped as a backdrop to her on piano and voice. Julien Baker is a massively talented songwriter with a deeply caring heart and a perfectionist streak all of which delivered to her a career-making year. We are so thrilled to have her return. Set List Hurt Less Even Appointments Shes just fantastic. Well worth a listen. 9. Inspirational notes For the last several months, about once a week or so, Ill stick a note inside of one of my childrens backpacks. Its a note card in an envelope with their name on the front, and on the inside, I just write a short note saying something I admire about their character and how I hope they share that with the world. It takes me about ten minutes or so to do this. I just stop for a little bit, think of some truly worthwhile characteristic that one of my children possesses, and then Ill write about it. Ill tell a quick anecdote about when I saw that characteristic used in a positive way, how I am incredibly proud that Im their parent when I see them using that aspect of themselves, a gentle encouragement to use that characteristic in other aspects of their life, and a general reminder that I love them. Thats it nothing fancy. I know that my kids have read the notes because of comments Ive overheard, but not one of them has said a word about them to me. I do know that theyre read, though, and I do know that theyre thought about, and thats enough. Will it make a positive difference? Maybe. I think it will, given enough time. Dont just get inspired. Be an inspiration. 10. Muhammad Ali on the pebble in your shoe It isnt the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; its the pebble in your shoe. Muhammad Ali Its often one or two little details that make the difference between success and failure. You might be able to perfectly nail everything else you need for a diet, but its that mid-afternoon wave of hunger that you thoughtlessly indulge that undoes things. You might have perfect control over your spending except for that one little linchpin. Maybes its online spending at a particular website, or maybe its regular splurging on food. Whatever it is, theres often some little detail that puts a big scratch on the beautiful surface of your progress. The thing is, its far more meaningful to stop and pull that pebble out of your shoe than to keep on running for a little bit longer and just quit. Fix the little problems before they become big ones. [embedded content] From the description: When trying to come up with a new idea, we all have times when we get stuck. But according to research by behavioral and learning scientist Marily Oppezzo, getting up and going for a walk might be all it takes to get your creative juices flowing. In this fun, fast talk, she explains how walking could help you get the most out of your next brainstorm. Going on walks is unquestionably my most powerful creative tool. I dont have anything else in my repertoire that really compares to it. Its part of the reason why winters are often very hard in terms of writing productivity the weather rarely cooperates with the kind of long outdoor walk that I enjoy. While I enjoy winter in small doses, I wouldnt be surprised at all to find Sarah and I living further south in the winter months when we are older. I think it agrees much better with both of us. Still, I cant laud walking enough if youre trying to piece through a difficult idea in your head or youre trying to brainstorm some solutions. 12. JFK on strength Do not pray for easy lives, my friends. Pray to be stronger men. John Fitzgerald Kennedy Hoping that the future will become easier wont really help very much. Its very likely that the future wont become easier. Instead, recognize that your life right now probably is easier than it will be in the future and plan accordingly. Work a little harder today so you dont have to work quite as hard tomorrow. Save a little money today so you dont have to scramble tomorrow. Dont hope for an easier life. Work for a stronger you. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/inspiration-from-7-up-lauren-oliver-julien-baker-and-more/