New System

Ok this is mostly for Clare "*" means I'll talk about it on Google drive because I don't know who can access this blog or who knows about it so that, and also I've been using Google drive more for rants than for talking about my day and id like to remember my days so I'm gonna write that stuff here and anything more private or personal there

April 22, 2017

Ok well I woke up today at like 6:30 and surprisingly didnt have a headache but was a little dizzy and nauseous. I made myself tea and showered to get the smell off me. Anna picked me up around 7:30 and we arived at tatem at 7:45 it was a fun time we taped a lot of shit and carried a lot of shit it was cool. Then at ten we went and got bagels together which was fun and rested in the back together for a few minutes before heading back. We went back to tatem and we found the lady that was supposed to assign us. She assigned us to the rides out side. We helped dylan with the train, or rather I did everything, and they just stood around while I scrambled. It was really fun though I liked that part. Then we took off at twelve, and I headed to edible arrangements to train. I got there, and me, and kacy talked for a while. She’s this girl that graduated last year and is dating sam cost. I told her I was there for same costs first kiss, and shit it was fun. Then they made me climb up onto a counter and into the cieling to fix something, and that was fun and unexpected so thats cool. Me and kristal trained, and made some smoothies, and then she taught me how to squeeze the oranges andmake orange juice, which is cool that they fresh squeeze orange juice. Oh also Isaac made a post about last night that I didn’t really like, but I posted about it on my other blog so wont talk about it again. They let me off at like 2:40, and I ran home in the rain. I got caleb up, and ready to come although he was reluctant, but he made the barbecue much better I think, becauuse instead of me and anna just talking, or being forced to join the adult convo me her and caleb could just hang out. We needed to bring something though so we picked up some beer, and cannolis on the way there, and I actually enjoyed the cannoli id never had one before but it was good. So ruth played with the phoebe, and the parents talked and laughed the whole time which was goo, and then it was me caleb and anna, and we had good fun. Then we ate dinner together and it was really good, and the chicken was fucking great so was the homeade bread, but I ate way to much of both, and got really full, but they had so much chicken I didn’t want it to go to waste so I had more. Then afterwards we all signed a book, and her mom wanted that thing I wrote about dating, but I didnt want to give it to her, because I think my oppinion on dating has changed quite a bit, but whatever. Then my family left, but me and anna wanted to hang out so I stayed for a few minutes with her family while she grabbed her keys and my knife. We were supposed to get icecream with just a few of her friends, but then it started to grow which was fine until jason was coming then I got scared as fuck, but I knew anna wanted to hang out so I decided I could do it, but I had to go through my excersizes in my head to get ready for that. They were just my normal power exercises, and I mean I knew I could pull it off succesful but I was still scared and nervous as fuck, and then anna was like also lets try not to do pda around them, and then I was really scared because that was going to be my fall back if I couldnt take it so then I needed a new fall back, and I knew amy was coming and I mean its really fucking easy to talk to her I mean for me so and I knew at least if I didnt get along with anyone else and I needed to hide or remove myself I could talk to her so that was my new fallback plan. Then I hyped myself up a lot to get ready for socialization, because I also wanted to make it seem like I was loud and the center of the group mostly to distract from jason and make everyone focus on me instead, and that worked well and was good because then I had people to talk to. Also I am so sad that me and amy dont hang anymorre because before everything that happened we were really good fucking friends and then we had a falling out because she had to fall for me, but yeah so it was good talking to her again, because I always get sad that I cant hang with her anymore. Cassidy was fun, ciara was fun although there was some drama going on that I had no idea about until afterwards. Not having pda worked to and I was totally fine without it. I mean I love pda but I thought it would have been worse without it then it was. We were all at arctic freeze which was some trendy icecream place that rolls the icecream. It was good I was really full from dinner and only ate a little. They all arrived 30 minutes after we did and the place was packed it was really crowded, and then amy and anders ordered shit, and it was taking for ever. Isaac and Jason and I forget who else left like really early in the middle of everything very abruptly which was weird. But good, because I didn’t have to worry about him. Also apparently he was going to confront me some time during the night I was just like why???? dont talk to me or bring anything up thats bad we are all having good fun and we aarent bothering each other dont ruin the mood. It never happened though which I think was good so. We all rendevouzed at amys house and that again was good nothing bad we went to her basement. Anna started getting tired then and crashed a little. Then amy oddly did the same thing and I wasnt sure if it was becuase she was tired and being drowned out or if she felt weird seeing me and anna together, if it was the second one I felt bad. Then people started to leave so then I left with annd and the whole drama with maggie started which I wont explain but it was with ciara, and we went and scooped her. She ranted to us and we talked to her we went to wawa and she bought to fucking large backs of chip idk what she needs those chips for but it was a lot. Then we drove around and got to merchantville. It was a little sketch and a little scary, so then we started home. We made a really fucking fast turn at a higher speed and almost hit a fucking car but we were fine. While driving I was reading the dircetionsand looking at the map to tell anna where to go. While I was a text popped up from jason, which I didn’t like. He said I love you, and like something else maybe get back to me as soon as possible. I didn’t like that. I mean I of course text all my good friends like that. “Hey clare” “Hmmm doesnt seem like you are at your phone” “I LOVE YOU get back to me as soon as you can” People wonder why I have beef with him and it is because he is in love with my girlfriend and then says things like I love you that is why, and until he stops no we arent going to be friends. I just didnt like it. Then we dropped maggie off, and parked for a little near my house neither of us were really awake enough to like make out but we gently kissed for a little, and then just talked and layed together which was just as nice. Then I kissed her good bye a few times, and left. All in all a good ass day, started my job, was able to hang out in a group with jason, got to hang out with amy and have it not be to weird, got to hang out with anna the whole day basically, the barbecue went well, I got to help little children get on a train, I got to kiss anna, I love anna, sorry I am getting of track, but it was all in all a fulfilling day.

April 17, 2017

Alright I woke up as always. Did a bunch of chem work before school, which was alright stressful, but it was interesting stuff. Ah man I felt very refreshed after spring break and all my classes were wonderful, and amazing, because of that. Boogaard was fun and interesting we do have a DBQ on Wednesday though. Art was alright I threw on the wheel still that class is always a little boring. Chem was fun dragged a little but was mostly interesting stuff. Then came study hall which is always a great part of my day, but this is the point me and anna noticed jason found out about her plans to cut him off, and then we figured out that he had this blog so that was pretty upsetting for both of us. Still was great to see anna as always. David was there to love that guy as well. We all chatted I tried to work but was still a little pissed at Jason. It’s just like life while he was like not here was so simple, and happy, and not complicated. As soon as he arrives back there are all these problems, and anna seems stressed about all of them, and it just is so much worse, and just makes life harder. But whatever. Got the sophparty form to anna so that should be fun I think. More excited for prom though I think that will be really fucking beautiful especially with anna there. Also it seems like I am already sweeping next year so that’s great. Had lunch with Jennie, and Kristiana. Jennie is such a changed person like she seems to have totally changed and it is weird. I don’t really like it either she is scarier more mature I dont like it. There is something about her eyes Idk she truly scares me now. She didnt before she used to be mean of course but still childish and more innocent. She could really hurt someone I feel like. I can’t explain it there is a different feeling I get around her, and I mean I’ve known her for a while, and I’ve spent a lot of time with her and talking to her, and this is so much different, and it scares me and I don’t like it at all, and I can definetly see how this could and is rubbing off on Colin it is this cold feeling, just a cold feeling and an attitude of just not caring about anything much at all. It isn’t good I am scared for the people around her. I think it’s good I have kind of distanced myself from her. She had a hickey on her kneck I hope she is okay I mean she obviously isnt okay even if she thinks she is and I am worried about her. I know it isn’t my job to worry about her anymore but I do anyways I really hope she is okay. Math was eh I was preoccupied about thinking about how jason has just kind of been an annoying thorn in my side (I’ll try not to get to mean so I’ll stop there) If only he could have been honest with me that one day and not have been a fucking pussy ass bitch we could have worked through this and I had hoped to be friends with him and maybe that was opptimistic but friendly at least I wanted to reach an understanding but nooooo apparently the “guy thing” to do was to lie. Because of course thats a “guy thing”. Gym was fun me clare and kristiana talked about a lot of shit. Okay scors was cool funner than usual because of that refreshing break and all. Then I went to study hall and hung out with Jasmine and Kailey for a while. I got my schedule changed and added ap euro and latin. Next year should be fun I’ll have at least one class with anna so that’ll be good. She talked to Mr. Thomas for a while after school and then she had to go to the nurse quickly. David was freaking out becuase he didnt have a ride to golf and his dad was being a bitch. Anna being the insanely kind person she is called him an uber. Me and anna are thinking of volunteering for the autism ninja warrior thing and I think we are also thinking about volunteering for a shelter, but idk if that will work once I start my job. also it complicates things because i dont have my work schedule yet, but hopefully that will be sorted out. Walked home with anna decided to hang out later so she could get work done but jason got in the way of that which was a little annoying, because she didnt get her work done, but they needed to talk wish he didnt have to make it so drawn out and complicated though. Idk she came over and it was wonderful as always. She makes me so very happy, I am just glad I make her happy too. I mean really i dont deserve to be with her because she deserves everything in the world and I am not that, but none the less I am glad she accepted me and chose to be with me. It was wonderful I just love laying with her. It doesnt even matter what we are doing we could be doing nothing and it would still be absolutely lovely. She is just so beautiful. Then I walked her home which was lovely again, and then I walked back home. Sat on a bench for a few minutes thinking about stuff. Anna took my pants, and still has my knife so I need to get those things. Lol I feel like I am just gonna keep forgetting and she will just end up with like a pile of my stuff in her house. Have the house to myself tomorrow till six, but unfortunetly its the day anna has therapy so we can not take advantage of that but we are gonna hang after and it will be just as wonderful. I am still waiting for Jason to unblock me so I can block him I have a feeling he isnt going to do that though because apparently he said he was going to twice and he hasnt yet so fuck him if he doesnt that’s just so tedious and just an utter waste of my time. Hopefully he does unblock me like really. Well yeah gonna go to bed now so goodnight my two dear friends who read this blog, and also maybe jason hopefully he isnt though but if he is please stop

April 16, 2017

ok well i woke up at like 5:39 this morning for no reason really. I had so many different dreams, and anna was in a lot of them. My phone was locked for 24 minutes for some unknown reason so i waited in bed for twenty four minutes. I read annas texts from the night before, and then tried to go back to sleep. Apparently my family left for church at like 6, but i didnt hear them. It's odd though because easter is literally the only day of the year when they go to church, not even christmas eve. Well i get out of bed around 8:44 and phoebe and caleb have already dug through their easter baskets. My parents got me a chocolate bunny so I ate that. Then Caleb and Phoebe race tk find all the eggs in the yard, phoebe was cute, caleb... not so much. Phoebe has been snapping me recently it's really nice to reconnect with her, I remember being very fond of our time together although it was two years ago almost. I've been pretty happy all day, but i randomly think about that thing. It passed quick, but everytime I think about it I just feel so inadequate, and like I'm a plan b, or what ever. It's the only reason i feel so nervous about everything. I usually don't I'm usually ready to go, but idk scares me a little. I'm hoping it passes in a month or two maybe less. Layed around the house for a while with my fam until we had easter brunch, which is my favorite part of easter (sorry jesus), and it was real fucking good like always. Anna is going to talk to Jason about ending their friendship. I told her she didn't have to, but she thinks it's the right thing to do, and she's probably right he does seem to be in a lot of anguish. So I'm really hoping that goes well for her, and she is okay coming out of that. I planted my mint plants with nonnie. That was fun haven't really gardened in a while. It is also unbearably hot outside and I despise it. It was 87 fucking degrees out side that is not okay with me at fucking all. (Clare your gonna love this part) I can't decide for the future wether to shave my pubic hair or not. Anna gave a very confusing answer when I asked her preference. So idk maybe I'll just trim it down a little. (lol sorry clare) I started watching that documentary on vietnam. I could not do it right then just to much information. Nonnie, and Poppop left then we all said goodbye. Me and annas family are getting together next weekend for a barbecue, and I am really not sure how that is going to go at all. I guess our parents could talk about religion, altbough my mom can be very like retrospective, and can take a more educational stance when talking about religion, which could offend them maybe. I really hope politics dont come up my mother is very worried about that. That would not go well at all, but I don't know what they are gonna talk about, but it'll be fun. I'll get to be with anna so who cares. Updated my tumblr a bunch, which was cool tried to hit every account thay matters, and im doing this one now so i think ive accomplished my goal. Anna didn't have the best easter but she was able to be alone for a while and not cry so that's good. The whole family went to a park and it was blistering out side. My skin was literally festering, and boiling. I know remember why i prefer winter over spring. Also idk i have a bad feeling about this summer I really do, but i guess I'll get to be anna for more of the day so that'll be great. Also I really want to take a trip up to newyork. I havent been in to long like way to long. Also I want to visit phoebe, and I could pick up kate on the way. It would be really fun. The park was fun because I was with my family, but also it was hot and i was dying. We bought me some icecream in Collingswood and stopped at a cafe it was fun. Then we got home and all watched rogue one together, because star wars is fucking awesome and i almost cried again but couldnt in front of my family just couldnt. Me and anna have plans for tomorrow to watch Grave of the Fireflys. It was the one time I actually couldnt stop myself from crying the first time I saw that movie. But now that ive seen it twice, coupled with the fact I'll be with anna I dont think ill cry but who knows. Alright well im not doing anything now so i guess ill go do homework and it's easter and the day before we go back to school so no one's hanging out.

March 25, 2017

That was probably the worst night of my life. Didn’t that day start out grand. Then it slowly devolved as my actions, or rather someone else’s tore it up into small fragmants of what once was a masterpiece. I tried so hard to be fine with the world, and with you, but as i slowly walked home alone I felt an absence at my side. It created a vacuum that seemed to suck the happiness I felt from my fingertips ripping out the stiches. I hit myself over and over against a light trying to choke the pain with more pain. It was so confusing why I felt the way I did. I had felt replaced, and worthless. Quietly I arrived home, and spoke pleasantries with my father as my mind withered, and bit at me. I knew it wouldn’t help, but I took as many painkillers as the bottle said I was allowed in a period of twenty four hours. My poor liver. I sat alone in silence as my head bobbed like a pendulum to the rythm of my veins. I became violent, my mind especially. I tried hurting myself as hard as I could. Never before had I been able to actually break skin, but I couldn’t really feel the pain this time. Not at all really. It looked beautiful as the nightlights reflected red off my arm and the lines looked like a barcode on my skin. The forest was scary, I had wandered in for some noise, but only found more silence next to the polluted pond. I wondered about drowning, and killing myself with algae. You messaged me high with euphoria, and i messaged you back acting the same. All smiles on both ends. After that you were quiet for a while as I rested in the coolness of night. On a wooden bench I sat outside of my sisters school, now void of children, and joyful screaming. It was me, and one car parked aways away in the lot. My arm had hardened by now, and my lids were lacking in tears. I sat there on the edge of a street light so alone in that dark night.

April 11, 2017

Hi. Went to the beach over the weekend. Had depressing conversation at 2 am with anna and kelly. Awe had a bad dream about anna last night. Well it wasn't bad just a little sad i guess. Stayed in the house all of yesterday doing work. It was boring, and i missed a fuckton of plans with so many ppl. Was able to hang out with anna later which i liked, and if course that was amazing as always and she was amazing as always. Oh and wow is she beautiful it kills me. Wish she could just be next to me at all times. She is just so immensely beautiful i dont even know. We're gonna hang out again today before she has to leave for colleges. Hmmmmm. Not much to write about. My sex drive has made a resurgence just out of the blue, your welcome for that information clare. So that's cool don't know why it was in a lapse before, but whatever. I have a lot of work to do for Japanese like a lot. It is the only thing in my life that is depressing me at the moment so once that is over with things will be so much happier, and so much better. Alright idk didnt have much to write about so well then

March 17-19, 2017

So this has been a fucking weekend. Friday I mean I got sick as fuck, most likely because of Anna. Missed first, but went in anyways. Later it was the show, which went smoothly I think. Nothing crazy happened. Afterwards some people went to jimmy’s house. It had been my first time really drinking so that was weird, but fun. Grace Gatier or whatever her name is talked for a few minutes about how hot I was, and shit, which was flattering. Then she said that when she gets drunk she makes out with a lot of people and strips. I don’t know why she said that, but yeah. I think josh died for a while there. He had like 9 beers and six shots so he was pretty fucked up, and he did not look good at all. Joanna drove me home I forget why though all my shit was in mauras car, but I got it the next day. The next morning I noticed I had sent Anna a bunch of shit, and I was legit scared about what I sent her I thought it was gonna be me saying some stupid shit or like naked. thankfully it was just me saying I love you and like you’re beautiful so I was glad about that. The next day I woke up really early like 7, and kind of just sat watching videos, and stuff for a few hours not doing Japanese which was stupid it also felt like I had gotten ten times sicker. It was Anna’s last day with the cat house so I some how escaped my house, and went over there at like noon. We took care of the cats, and went through my journal, and I read some of her journal, but not the shit about colin, because I don’t think I wanted to see any of that. And I just love being with her, and kissing her in general, which was probably a bad idea on her part because I was fucking sick, but I guess she was the one that gave me the sickness in the first place, but still. We kind of watched an episode of gilmore girls although I dont think I was paying attention, because I have no idea what it was about or what happened. I had to leave at three because she had to meet her mom. Went home had some dinner just like chicken and avocado and mango and shit. it was good. I ate some cake which was also pretty good.  Then I went to the show, which again went smoothly. I cried so much though, ugh it was so said praying with everybody for the last time. I can’t believe I am never going to see those people again. It makes me sad to just write that. Ethan Spellmeyer doesn’t like me very much I don’t think, and so I dislike him as well. But yeah Jimmy asked Lily to prom, and then after the show we all drove to quins house. We kind of chilled there for a while I was so sick and tired I was fucking delirious. I was fucked up, and everybody thought I was high, or drunk as fuck, which I wasn’t. Me josh, and maura left for a little to vape, which was cool. Sean started fucking sobbing in the middle of the party because he was happy. I am kind of worried about him, and I feel sorry for him.Then Anna’s parents showed up for ruth, which I was not expecting. The defintly thought I was drunk or high. I mean I wasn’t but like. I don’t know. I said hi to her mom. She offered me a ride but i politely declined. Also at this point Anna was fucking drunk as shit. She sent me a lot of nice stuff, and we talked for a while when I got home it made me really happy even if I felt like shit. So yeah. 

March 15, 2017

(Warning for anyone who reads this, really probably only Clare, and Anna, but this one might get wierd. I mean if you guys read this I am still not sure if people look at this blog or not. Remember this is my unfiltered emotions about the day, and is a diary where I record my thoughts… so really dont read this one okay guys really i swear dont read it dont fucking read it). Woke up it was my birthday today. Me and Anna were talking last night until pretty late, but I had a fucking lab to do, actually two, but yeah those labs sucked. Went to bed at three, and finished them in the morning. My parents made me waffles this morning, which isn’t not normal I mean we make waffles all the time, but I appreciated the gesture. They also bought me more fucking cologne, the expensive shit, which I am very happy about because it wasn’t to much. I totally forgot how fast it shoots out when you first get a new bottle think I accidently put way to much on but whatever. I missed first period on purpose, because i couldnt do three tests in one day. In chem the tests went better than I thought, but two problems I just couldn’t get. I have the second part of the test tomorrow. After that I saw Anna, which is always nice, and we sat in the art room with maggie, and theo. Maggie was continuing her painting of plums, and like I was watching amy curry paint something a few days ago, and like goddamn is it relaxing watching people that know how to paint, paint. I have no idea what to do though, because Jason came up, and like the whole situation with him as just gotten way overblown, which is understandable, because there is so much emotion intertwined into the predicament. I just feel so guilty about the whole thing, because I don’t know if Anna was okay with cutting him off, and I know she did it by her own accord, but I basically accidently told her to when she found that private blog. I mean I didn’t want it to happen like that, but I really don’t know what I wanted to happen. I want them to be friends because I know she enjoyed that friendship, and her being happy is important to me. Would I have been fine if she had cut him off for like other reasons yeah, but now that I am the reason I just feel bad. Saw Colin today we had wierd interaction in the hallway. He was probably just having a bad day. Still was wierd though. I just sat with hannah at lunch and scrambled to do math homework because kristiana was on the photo trip so. But she didnt even check the homework. Ooooh and mr. Boogaard fucking cornered me and forced me to say I could take the test. Math was fine, just checked the homework. Gym was good I studied for my math test, but me and clare couldnt walk outside because of the fucking snow so that sucked. In english we are watching a beautiful movie, and like every few seconds I just want to gasp because it is either beautiful or just extremely genius. Then study hall came around, and I took my math test, and it went well I think, i was rushing though because I thought I had to take a history test that I hadn’t studied for in like a few minutes. But when I walked out of the library I was just like no not going to happen today it’s my birthday not gonna be taking a fucking history test sorry mr. Boogaard. Lowkey scared how he is gonna react to that tomorrow though like really. I sent him an email at like 3 in the morning so hopefully he gets it. I walked home with Anna. It was nice, but then we seperated ways. Me and sean were talking about sex, and shit today. (Alright stop reading now after this ppint is where it will get wierd so stop reading everybody if there is anybody reading dont read it i swear Anna Clare if you went against my wishes and got to this point okay, but do not continue) He was fucking exasperated with me. Because he was talking about how he just wanted to hook up with anybody, just like a one night stand type of deal, and he was like asking me about Anna and shit. And i was like even if Anna asked me right now to have sex I would say no, and he totally didnt understand. I dont know maybe I’m weird, but like how are you supposed to just have sex with someone you know. There has to be like a stromg intimate connection there, and I mean that takes time I feel like. But he thought I was fucking stupid so idk, it does sound awfully feminine, but I mean what’s wrong with that. So yeah I still dont kmow if he is gonna asl out ashley or not hopefully not because she will reject him, but also I kind of hope he does because I want to see what she will say or how she’ll reject him. Anna thinks I should tell him not to do it but idk. I picked up icecream from my house, and I also brought a bowl because I didnt know if Anna would be one of those people to not like eating out of the same container, and I mean i am usually one of those people so I would understand, but I mean if I am going to be kissing her like sharing icecream is like nothing so. Brought it just in case though. We are getting through gilnore girls pretty fast although I have no fucking idea about what happened in the last few episodes we watched. I mean I have already seen it twice ao it doesn’t really matter. Ah but kissing her is so good, and just feeling her body, and being close to her, and she is so beautiful, and amazing I dont know what to do with myself. We’ve been going to like a house that she has been house sitting at though, which has been great because we can be fucking alone, but apparently she is losing the house soon so what the fuck are we going to do then. I mean it’s not like we can make out like that in my house, and while her house is larger I am deathly afraid of her parents walking in on us. I mean that would be so fucking bad I think they would literally murder me. So i dont know what we are going to do because we cant just stop or I cant at least she’s addicting. So idk and it’s way to cold outsidr, but hopefully it will get warmer. Ah there are so many things I would like to do with her, snd I cant wait. Going to the beach with her especially. It will be beautiful i mean the beach is beautiful enough, but with her there like it’s going to be fucking insane. Idk and the beach is my child hood I mean we’d like go every weekend no matter what season or month. I mean my family all grew up there, and I sort of grew up there even if I didnt live there. So hopefully I’ll get to take her there too. Hooefully that’s the beach we go to. I mean it’s the best beach, but she probably has another in mind. But yeah being with her was amazing, and is amazing. But also it’s like I’ve totally stopped caring about anything, but her, and that isnt good because I have so much fucking work, and every so often i think about it and I get so anxious for like a few seconds and I need to do it, but I cant think. Alright well I got home, and had chicken soup with cheese, because it tastes better with cheese, and some fried rice. (Another wierd thing coming uo dont read please)(really dont)(please) I havent masturbated in a while, which is wierd, but literally all the porn I used to look at just doesnt turn me on, and I dont know what’s up, but it’s cool, and yeah that’s all basically that was my birthday. It was pretty great in my book. Sent mr. Boogaard an email so hopefully he gets it before I have to see him. Agh I love Anna so much it kills me. Alright going to sleep for another hour I think

March 11, 2017

I was uncontrollably happy today. I didn't sleep the night before, and handed in a crappy paper. This was due to the fact instead of doing the paper I listened to Anna's playlist for me, mine for her, and then the districts on repeat. I then wasted a couple hours on tumblr thinking about Anna. So yeah didn't get any of that shit done. The discussion in boogaard was better than usual as it was less factual, and more oppinion oriented. So despite me dying from exhaustion it was enjoyable. Ms. Wes was out so I just worked on the peer leader essays I was supposed to write the night before in c8. I really hope I get to be a peer leader, because freshman orientation was such a positive experience for me, and I just want to create that for people. Sohn was fine I worked on my essay more. Study hall came around and I sat with sean, and jennie which was a wierd group, but it was fine they played cards I did math homework. Anna stopped by, which was great, but my tiredness coupled with me not being prepared to see her made me just totally blank. I was trying to get my face to emote, but i was really fucking tired so i was a little wierd, but it was fun to see her. In lunch I went down the cafeteria, which is a rare occurence, and watched the flash mob, and it was so fucking akward, and cringy, but people clapped, and I died inside. Math I again just listened to anna's playlist. The same in gym but I also wrote my essay a bit, and worked out a bit. Clare is still fucking sick and it was snowing so i couldnt walk on the track so it was pretty boring. In english, ugh idfk man like I need to get in missing work and actually start doing shit because I am going to fail. I just need to get it together, but there is just a lot happening between the show, anna, and japanese like it's a little overwhelming dividing my time accordingly, but thankfully two of those things will be over in a week. Then in study hall my mom rushed to the school to sign the peer leader papers, because I was so fucking tired in the morning I totally forgot. After school I ran into anna, and we walked home, but I noticed jason wasnt there, and I was confused because she always walks with jason. So i started thinking she purposely left jason because of what I had said yesterday. Apparently she just forgot, but im still not sure because maybe she did remember like as we were leaving the school, and just decided not to say anything, because she didnt know how I would feel, but idk, I wish i knew what she was thinking at all moments of the day, but sadly that is not a thing I can do. The walk home was pleasant it took everything out of me to hide how fucking tired I was I mean I was dying but i tried to act energetic and like my brain was half working, but it was hard. Then it was wierd because I really wanted to keep walking with her so I just kept going, and missed all my turns, and then I askes myself how far are you going to walk with her? All the way to her house to the next stop, and then I was like she probably is thinking like hey wasnt that your turn and that I was wierd for just following her home, so then I decided to turn off, but i instsntly regreted that decision, and wished I had just kept going for a little longer, but like how much I had to leave at some point. Got home ate some food, a burrito, talked about plans for my birthday, I said I didnt want anything, because if they spend lots of money on me then they wont be as willing to let me spend lots of money, and i still need money but Ill probably get enough by this weekend, and then talk about it with my parents. Lol idk how they are gonna feel about the whole situation, but whatever. Slept for an hour and thirty, and was late to stage crew by thirty minutes. But goddamn was the show good. Just being there surrounded by people you love, and who love you, and just everything coming together to make something so beautiful it just made me so fucking happy, and I did that thing witb my hands where I shake then uncontrollably if im feeling mass amounts of joy and excitement, i mean that's how you nnow im really fucking happy. Anna went and picked up isabel, who is still mysterious and intimidating in my mind. Like holey fuck are people hype about her idk what to exoect if I ever actually meet her. OH MY GOD AND CASSIDY CAME, and it was so beautiful to see her again, and it felt like last year all over again, and I miss her sooooo much, and ugh it was great to see her if only briefly. If only gillian had come it would have been the og group me, gillian, cassidy, maura, and jimmy man, and sometimes alexis. Apparently gillian is being a real bitch though lately so. Ah man so many good times driving around for hours with them kind of sad that is all over. I remember one time we were out till like three am, and I was gillian and cassidy were piled atop me josh and jimmy, and alexis was in the front with maura, and awe man I miss that so much, but that's all over now and I accept that. Today it was maura and grace in the front me josh and leah in the back, and me and leah have become a lot more friendly I wonder if she still has grudge about what happened over the summer, and then ethan and amy in the back. Amy is wierd because I know she is a fake ass bitch, but also she is so fucking nice to me so like what am I supposed to do be mean to her? Like i cant be mean to someone if they dont first do some shit to me right, but idk the whole time we were together there was a thing in the back of mind saying like she hurt anna, and you shouldnt be nice to her, but like i didnt know what to do so i justed treated her like I always have. It was wierd to because I actually havent had a time were we hung out and it wasnt akward in like months so it was wierd going bsck to that. Of course josh brought vodka mixed with gatorsde, and we passed it around at ponzios, so first time I have drunk like sociably, didnt get drunk though only had a little bit. Then we gave liz the $1000 we raised for her and her family, she is a waitress at ponzios, I almost cried, amy and maura were crying, but i kept myself from doing so. Then on the ride back josh also decided to bring his vape pen so I tried that out for the first time to, and it was cool, tasted like strawberries so we all passed that around. At this point the car was filled with smoke, snd there were like seven or 8 people piled in, and of course we stop right behind a fucking police car for a good solid 2 mjnutes, so everyone fucking ducked in the trunk and like sat up straigjt and shit but nothing happened as always i was the first to be let out, which kind of bugged me but it was whatever, and yeah now im here and it is 12:48 am. So yeah

Fuck fuck fuck

March 7, 2017

So I was really fucking tired today, because i was texting anna till like two, and so that was really hard, but whatever. I spilled a bunch of fucking soup on my phone so it kind of broke, because an onion somehow got into the charging port. But i eventually got it to work, and charged it in boogaard. Life feels really easy and stress free right now. Something about being with anna makes me so preoccupied with her everything else seems small in comparison, which is probably bad because I actually have to do some shit. Preformed a lab in chem today, and went down to visit anna and david and maggie. And maggie was ranting about something but i couldnt stay for that long. I also missed david's opening up about his relationship, but i bet it was depressing as fuck man. Quickly did some math with clare in lunch after wards, and then I got really kind of indifferent to the world for a couple hours actually, and I don't know why. But i just put my headphones in and blasted flourish of a spoil for the fiftieth time. English was easy enough, but i submitted that piece of writing about anna like a month ago to synapse not expecting her to ever read it or know about it. So i have to tell mr. Scors to withdraw that, because i kind of started dating the girl it is about. Also i dont think she'd want it in the magazine and i dont really want it in there either anymore. But fast forwarding to 8th period, me amy, and maggie went and got a burrito for amy at animo, which was wierd, because let me tell you I am a pure child so leaving the school was wierd for me. I don't have open campus and all so it was breaking the rules, and that is not good, but whatever it was fun, and worth it I liked it. We went back to the library, and afterwards i didnt know if I should have waited for anna or not. I mean her class is right out side the library, and maggie waited for her so I probably should have too, but now that I told anna that thing about jason it feels akward being around both of them at the same time for some reason, although i have no reason to be jealous idk. Stage crew was stage crew, but before that I consumed a pint of icecream, and got in a couple games of overwatch. But at crew i got around to looking at the rest of anna's secret finsta. I mean I don't really know how to feel about it, i kind of have come to terms, and I mean I understand that Colin was a big part of her life, and they loved each other, and she isnt just gonna forget that so, i just have to you know mentally stabalize myself with that in mind, and help her with that if she ever needs help as painful as it might be for me, and what the fuck is amy doing? Ok so then anna went on to explain all the shit amy has been pulling and it fucking pisses me off. I dont fucking like you like that I am sorry, but get over it focus on your boyfriend and stop taking it out on anna like she doesnt deserve that shit, you deserve that shit. Obviously anna doesnt want me to do anything which is understandable, but i kind of want to confront her about it. Anna said she would though, but idk how that's gonna go, or if she will even really do that. I just want anna to be happy, and this is really fucking with her, and it pisses me off. But back to stage crew, i acted wierd around amy the first time I saw her but soon i just sunk back into the normal way i'd treat her, but she was acting different in the begining to so... idk what that was about, maybe it was just me making something out of nothing, but that doesn't usually happen with me except when trying to pinpoint if someone is gay or not. I am usually good at reading people, and she was acting nervous around me and kind of stayed away but radiated to me when I welcomed it like she felt akward around me but wanted to talk to me. Idk i feel like she might still have feelings for me because it def. wasn't a normal way to act. Also it has been so long so really she should have gotten over me by now if she really does have some feelings for me, and also she has a fucking boyfriend so idk what is happening with her. I have been having fun with josh just fucking each other up. I mean i dont have a lot of guy friends and it's not like I am gonna go beat up sean or david so being able to beat up on him and have him do it back is really nice, because I dont get that kind of physical contact. Idk what the fuck to do about maura. There is just like a mutual respect we have for each other now, we enjoy each others company but we've been through so much we are content with just being silent with each other and just knowing although we dont say it that we love each other, idk but she doesnt want to drive me anywhere, and idk she'd rather have sean in her car, and she fucking hates sean so just another instance of her making me feel fucking worthless, but alexis drove me and leah, and we went to chick fila again for the fifth time in my life, who would have guessed id go to chick fila so many times, i thought i'd never step foot in that disgusting "restaurant" if you can even call it that, but i had to do it for anna and then once I was in it was like ok ive been in once it's not gonna kill me, but i was dropped off again by alexis, not maura, and me and anna had a really nice talk and it made me very happy very very happy, and now it is 1:58 in the morning so I have to sleep so I will be able to function tomorrow

March 5, 2017

Hung out with anna the past two days, and everytime I am with her I just realize how much I love her. The perfect moment came up last night to tell her, but I didn’t because I didn’t know if it would have been too soon. I mean she said something like, oh you would be someone to say I love you on the first date, and I just agreed. I mean the only reason I would ever date someone is if I loved them. That is the reason I didn’t date Amy, or leah. I mean I love both of them as a friend, but I wasn’t totally, and utterly in love with them in everysingle way. Could I have dated them, and learned to love them? Probably, but that’s just not how it works for me. I fall in love with someone before I start dating them. Me loving them is what instigates the dating. I don’t know I couldn’t tell if she wanted me to say it or not. Everyone tells me, oh no you can’t say that it has been a fucking week. I loved her a few weeks before we even started dating so. Maybe I am just fucking insane, idk.

March 3, 2017

Well I woke up, and was pretty tired. I went to school, and all sat through boogaard, and ceramics. Ms. Mitozo came in to supervise ceramics or whatever today so that happened. I had double chem, but I still stopped by to see Anna anyways, but she was feverishly working. Then lunch rolled around, and she was there for that period, but again she was really focused on work, and stuff. Also Maggie is fucking great been enjoying her company, and praise. Slept during eigth, and walked home with Anna, Jason, and Rachel. It was a little wierd I was super tired today so. Well i've been really tired recently. I went home, and me and the crossing gaurd in front of the friends school reminised about my old haircuts, and I was suprised by how long I've known her. Started listening to the Districts, and the song 6 am is fucking great I love it sooooo much. I went home, and continued watching Cowboy Bebop, and played some Overwatch. Orisa was released today so that was exciting. I rushed to drama, and moved shit around for a few hours it was good though. I kind of met Maria Defeo. Me maura, sean, amy, and jimmy went to chick-fila afterwards, oh and ethan was there. It was really nice. Just talking to Amy is nice, because it's been so long, and akward. Cried about Maura for a while while texting Anna over tumblr, the most ive cried probably since I cried abiut maura last. She really kills me so much. Also Anna somehow found my fucking blog about her, because I sent her a direct message with it, which was a stupid mistake. Alright then we stopped talking at abkut 2, which isnt really march 3rd any more, but whatever. And I did my primary source, but no other homework so fuck me. Also I am gonna be really fucking tired tomorrow seeing as it is 4:30 in the morning.