This feeling will stay. but I will not. I sayang you. Genuinely. But things happened. And I will go sayang.

Just be strong awanis. Allah is with you

i break and my heart ache. i cried till my eyes swollen. i disappoint of my ownself but yet i still need to get going no matter what. i hate others but in the end i hate myself more. i wanted to be the best but often what i portrayed was my weakness. i wanted to voice out but my tounge tied. i wanted to argue but i know where i stand. i tried to listen but in the end no one will listen to me. i hate loud and angry voices but i have to learn adapting with it. i dont want to judge, but they make me one. i just gotta do what i need to do. dont bother. do what is right and do no harm.

feeling hopeless and useless. a month of working and i think im not gaining anything. and not progressing well. my pace is slower than others. crying today just to release whatever pain i hold onto in these past few weeks. this pandemic causing me to being apart from my parents. i miss home. i miss them. i miss my siblings. as far as i remember this is my second time of crying. 

I wrote this last year. But today i really have made up my mind to forget you Syahmi. I will try my best. And i hope i will succeed. Semoga you sentiasa bahagiaaaaaaaaaaa selamanyaaaa ❤❤❤.

As i scrolled down my posts in tumblr, i did realise i have been posting a lot of sad stories these days. Oh Awanis one day u will be able to be true to yourself, you will be able to be frank. Hmm just wondering agak2 ada tak org yg akan faham dlm dunia ni memang wujud org yg suka pendam perasaan? Sakit la :( simpan susah, terus terang pun susah. Takpeeeee...Awanis will be fine. Doa je mampu :( . Sayang syahmi tapi syahmi dah benci..arh i hate myself tooo..more than he hates me. Sedih gilaaaaaaaa. Takpeeeee...nnti HO jgn sedih2 ok? Fikir kerja jee. Dont worry you will be fine and stronger. Dlu time dgn syhmi pun selalu nangis. So xpe Awanis. Tp tak expect pulak lepas dh break lg banyak nangis. Hmm nak patah balik. I should not response to his DM dulu :( . Arh such a stupid and fragile girl. Forever a cry baby :( .

Dear Allah please help me to not remember him. I know i cant totally forget him, but I dont want to think about him. Cepat2 la dia kahwin and meet with someone else so that i can easily move on 😖. Susah but gotta do it! For the sake of my mental health. Cedeyh :( . Tak pandai nak berterus terang. Suka pendam. Hmmm mcm mana nak belajar ni?

Ya Rabb. Please help me to get rid of this feeling. I cant forgive myself. I just wanted to forget him.

A letter to Allah

Ya Rabb im truly sad today. I believe in ur plans. May this heart find peace. Gonna start my HO soon in Ipoh inshaAllah. Gonna leave behind all the memories in Selangor.

A letter to God day 4

Ya Rabb i hv always pray to be given a pair of eyes that always cry over the sins i hv committed. But on a side note i always hold back my tears. Pretend as if im okay. Just cry Awanis. You hv been keeping so many things inside.

A letter To God Day 3

Again, a shocking news. But i will face it no matter what. My prayers are always with you. Like i hv said before, " cinta tak semestinya perlu dimiliki".

A letter to Allah Day 2

Ya Rabb, a few days ago i have decided to stop praying for something. Something that I hv been mentioning in my du'a all these days. It is time for me to move on, leaving behind the memories that we have created together. My sincere du'a for her and her happiness. Today, she said something that really shocked me. But i acted as cool as what i always did before this. Being the heartless and emotionless Awanis.Ya Rabb, wipe away my tears and her tears whenever she gets hurt at anytime. I will always pray for ur everlasting happiness 💙.You truly deserve it.

A letter to Allah Day 1

Dear Allah, only You know how i felt the whole day today. I was trying to fix the damage that I have caused, but it turns out causing more damage. I was realllyyy not sure how to feel now. Should I just ignore my feelings and continue with my life as usual? It will be not as usual, cs I will never be as fine.

I feel guilty for hurting someone’s feeling. I feel like I wanted to be honest with him, but my tongue was tied, I dont know how to say it. Obviously he is totally angry and hate me for ditching him. 

Sometimes I just wondered why do my feelings change Allah? Where and how i got the strength to end this, but now I feel so weak and helpless. I know how he feels, cause i have been in that place a long time ago. But now, the situation has changed. Im the bad person who had just destroy his trust on me. 

Actually i was quite confuse with his actions. Those videos that he shared, does it mean something? I seriously thought that there may be a solution to this whole thing. But I wasn’t sure. Probably it was just my illusion.  I got confuse and thought that we might be better, but it seems there is no hope. One thing for sure, it will always gonna be my fault right?. MY FAULT. 

The only thing I can do now is to pray to you Allah. pray for his happiness and strength. 

Allah, will u grant my du’a for all the wrongdoings that i have done? will You? TT

it is okay if u dont forgive me. Cause i cant even forgive myself. 

So i guess i should stop trying. Sorry truly sorry for everything. Ya Rabb, please heal him 😭.

Syahmi...hows ur life so far? This period is soo difficult for me..what more for u. For the promises that i hv broke, for the words that i dont grant and for all the bad things and harm that i hv caused u. Im truuuly sorry.. i wish i could turn back time, withdrawing all my hurtful words and ill actions towards u. I once promise to myself that i wont let u experience another heartbreak cause i know it will be soo tough on u. I once promise to make u the happiest man on earth, to care for you endlessly and to always be there for u no matter how hard its gonna be. But...i hv broke my promise. I always pray that u will never be sad bcos of me and i always pray that may Allah erase ur sadness and heal you. Im sorry for causing soo much pain. As much as my sadness i know urs is tougher. May Allah heal u and give u abundance of love and strength. For now I dont hv the courage to tell u how i feel or to reach u. But my prayers are always with u. You will remain as my miracle and i will always cherish those moments with u. Your name i hv carved in my daily du'a. I dont want to keep u in my heart but i will always keep u in my dua.

Knowing that u cried bcause of me was soo heart wrenching 😭😭. Please dont cry anymore. Not all girls are like me. You will find a better one when the right time comes.

Sincerely,

The one that still keep her piece of heart for u

Today is the day. The day that i decided to forget about you. Not about you, but this feeling. Time will surely heal my feelings. Allah will help me getting through this period just like any other events.

💕💙