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nishloves · 5 months

Text

finding kwon soonyoung;

hoshi (svt) x reader // words : 1.1k // fluff oneshot // no warnings

"soonyoung!" you huff as you strode past another park, settling deeper into your warm jacket as you turn to look at under the slides and climbers.

sighing when you couldn't find him.

"did you find him, y/n?" you heard seungcheol call out to you as you cringe, a little embarrassed for not being able to find a 178cm man.

"i couldn't," you reply, your voice soft as seungcheol sighs, an easy smile on his face.

"don't worry— he's too good at hiding," he says, patting your back to comfort you as you frown at him, "no because- how did he even hide? is there any place to hide?"

"dunno— let me go search for jeonghan though," he said as he waved at you, running across the to the different block as you waved back at him.

why were grown up adults even playing hide and seek?

was it because you told your sibling that it'd be hard for a grown ass adult like you to hide among the many parks and soonyoung took an offence to it? or was it because all of you were reminiscing back to your childhood— to your better days as you indulged the neighborhood kids for a few games of hide and seek.

but fuck, was it hard?

even though you were split between the seeker and the hiders team, it was hard— specifically hard to find jeonghan and soonyoung as you panted, too tired to go further and so you sat on a nearby park bench.

you called him, thinking that he won't pick up. yet he did.

"hello?" his voice was light, almost like a whisper as you chuckled, imagining him hunching and hiding some place absurd as he picked up your phone, only to whisper a darth-vader like hello due to bad connection.

"come on out, the game's over."

"it is?"

you smiled, "yeah!"

"it hasn't been thirty minutes yet— i myself have a watch."

"but it is over— we are all tired."

"make me talk to cheol then," he said as you sighed at him, knowing full well that he wouldn't leave his hiding spot because of your small lie.

"you don't trust me?" you asked, your lips in a pout as the line was quiet for a while, you wondered if he was still there?

"you've been staying with jeonghan quite a lot."

you chuckled, "that's valid."

"come on, soonie~" you whine, "give me a hint!"

"no can do y/n, i am afterall a tall man hiding in your plain sight."

you frantically looked around the park as you could hear him giggle, his breath light as he tried to control his laughter.

"where are you?"

"find me."

"soonyoung, i—" you sigh, your shoulders slunched as you copy a pitiful posture, knowing that he's seeing you, "come on, tell me where you are— i won't tell them."

he was quiet for a while as he asked you, "you won't?"

"i won't." the biggest lie a seeker tells.

"then," you heard him shuffle as you yet again tried to spot him, but to no avail.

"look inside the tubes."

you stared at the cylindrical white huge tubes at the very edge of the park, you remember peeking inside them a while ago, "but I already looked there?" you said over the call, trudging across the park as you spotted the same man you had been finding, a widespread grin on his face, his eyes crinckled into crescent moons.

you couldn't betray him.

"hey," you said as you ended the call, shoving him further inside as you settled yourself next to him, you cheeks a little hot.

"you didn't call out to them," his voice was bewildered as you noticed his strong gaze on you while you scoffed, "you really believed i would break my promise like that?"

you nudged your shoulder with his, happy to have an excuse as you relished your time next to him— too happy— considering that you were sitting inside a dirty tube, playing hide 'n seek with grown men.

"we didn't promise anything," you could feel his grin on you as you panicked, 'you could still rat him out' you heard your inner voice say, but would you?

"should I call them over then?" you asked, knowing full well that you wouldn't.

you heard his chuckle as he grasped your hand in his, his thumb rubbing your knuckles, "no."

you could feel your smile widen as you looked at his dopey smile— oh, how badly you had wanted to win, but your heart wouldn't let you make them find him.

"i looked here a few minutes ago," you said, changing the topic, "i didn't see you."

"maybe you didn't look well enough?"

"I'm pretty sure that I did."

"then maybe, I changed my spot."

you pouted at him, you could see his eyes widen slightly in the dark as you felt his lips on the back of your hand, your cheeks seething as he pulled you further inside— normally, you would have been severely revolted by this gesture, but today was special— special in a way that each moment with him was making your heart race.

"next time."

"next time?" you asked.

"next time," he said, "next time, if I ever hide from you, I'll tell it to you then."

your heart warmed as you stared at him, not willing to pull your hand away from his, you could hear your teammates call out to you, seungkwan especially loudly, you saw soonyoung flinch— as you noticed that a good five minutes were still left.

would you sacrifice a game for a mere five minutes of intimate moments?

you didn't reply back to them as you pressed your lips on his, hearing him sigh contently as he pulled you closer to him, in that cramped space.

"next time," you said, "don't hide from me."

you felt him grin against your lips as you buried your face in the crook of his neck, a cheesy smile on your face as you said, "even if you did, i will find you."

"and i'll let you."

"I'll find you before that!"

"bet."

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sixofwandsss · 1 year

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PAC: what does the future hold for you?

1-2

3-4

“Take 3 deep breaths and allow your inner wisdom to guide you”

Pile 1

You are growing into a version of yourself that is actually in touch with their life purpose. From a you that’s tired of not being satisfied with their accomplishments, to a you that is feeling grateful in the present moment and feels happy with themselves.

In order to tap into this energy you might need to leave behind the lack mindset you picked up from past experiences. You have to believe that you are abundant. The universe will have your back, don't worry. Ask yourself: “What if everything just went right?”

In this future, you are extremely determined and in touch with your 'leader' energy. You will find the will to carry on, you’ll find the passion, you’ll find the fire. You and your loved ones will be secure.

The insecurity, the feeling of being unsuccessful and the sleepless nights will come to an end once you let go of past burdens and give yourself the chance to heal them all

Affirmations:

I am allowed to have faith in myself

My past does not and will never define me

My fears are valid but I choose to be brave and move forward anyways

Pile 2:

The future holds peace of mind for you; A break from all the conflict you might have been surrounded by for a while now. You will get a chance to rest.

You are going to learn to prioritize self-care and step into your empress energy as you get away from toxic environments.

The future offers a safe place to heal your inner child and develop a stronger sense of confidence. Get ready to feel yourself to the max!

You will probably meet your soul tribe then: people you share an intuitive connection with and who also respect your boundaries

Affirmations:

I am proud of my journey and how far I’ve come

Today I will celebrate enjoying the fruits of my labor

I am allowed not to take my life so seriously

Pile 3:

The future brings you the opportunity to reflect on things that left a mark on your heart in order to understand the divine purpose behind it all. Sometimes we are put through painful experiences so as to learn something about ourselves and others.

The universe is giving you the opportunity to face those dark repressed emotions in order to heal parts of yourself that were not given enough attention but are actually affecting your perspective on life much more than you'd think.

You can't move through life without acknowledging this part of you. Even though it's unstable and chaotic, it is still a part of you.

"A composed soul is not necessarily a calm one"; Give more space to the untamed part of yourself that wants you to feel raw emotions without needing to intellectualize them

The future you that has gone through this process achieved a lot of wisdom and it's not "lost child" anymore. They integrated both their adult self and their wounded inner child. You will get through this succesfully.

Affirmations:

I honor all parts of myself, especially the chaotic and illogical ones

I forgive myself for being afraid, I forgive myself for not wanting to be vulnerable

Hardships gifts wisdom. How is this situation serving my growth?

5:55

Pile 4:

Your heartbreak will be over soon. It is almost over, my dear. The future offers you a life without the burden of a heavy heart. You are going to get over that person successfully.

In the past you couldn't imagine a life without them but in the future, darling, it's all about you. You as the center of your life. You as the main character.

Even though you might have lost them, you are going to gain self-trust again my darling, the knowing that you can bounce back from every situation no matter how painful it is.

You will connect to your inner wisdom and learn how to trust your instincts; you will shift your perspective as you become more in tune with your intuition. You’ll reserve your energy to those who you truly trust.

Affirmations

I am grateful for everything I overcome in order to reach this point in my life

I am allowed to take what I've learned and apply it into this new chapter of my life

It is safe to let go of a rigid and old mindset

Affirmations by Kitty Knorr " Tarot Affirmations: Self-Fullfilling Prophecies"

#pick a card reading #pick a card #free tarot #tarotoftheday #tarotscope #astrology #astro observations #astro notes #astro game #zodiac #aries #aquarius #libra #capricorn #virgo #pick a pile #tarot reading

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rivetgoth · 9 days

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Today I had an observation and evaluation with a program supervisor at my internship and it went really well!

Most notably though, afterwards during the debrief she made a comment about how I always have a super good attitude. All of my marks on all of my observations and evals have always scored me crazy high for positive environment, good rapport, good attitude, etc. She was like, "Have you always been like this? Like, were you just this bright smiling confident little boy that was friends with everyone?"

And it was just crazy to hear. I honestly kinda laughed and was like... NO. I explained my backstory a little--Truth be told I was one of the shyest people I have ever known as a kid/preteen/teen. I would make up excuses to avoid going to restaurants with friends because I would feel like I was going to throw up from the anxiety imagining ordering something. I couldn't look people in the eye, couldn't shake their hand, I was terrified to meet new people in any context. I heard the phrase "come out of your shell" 50000000000000x from teachers and other Trusted Adults. My parents were always on my case about it. I remember being like, 12 or so and my mom asked me to run into the store and pick up some milk while she stayed in the car and I just couldn't even IMAGINE a world where I would do such a thing. Like, this is such a vivid memory to me, I remember my mom was annoyed and said something like "How are you going to survive one day when you live on your own?" and I legit could. not. imagine. ever being able to buy something at a store and check it out and deal with a grocery store employee face to face. It legit felt impossible.

As an older teen I started making a really, genuine, honest, active effort to change. Slowly. Truth be told I hated how I was. The social anxiety was symptomatic of a kind of larger issue or a bunch of interconnected issues. I was the pickiest eater I knew. I had dealt with genuine psychotic episodes from around age 14. I had trouble maintaining a single friendship. I was having panic attacks so bad I would end up puking. I was extremely dysphoric and didn't want to be perceived by anyone; I knew nobody would see me as anything but a girl but I felt like I was in genuine danger if I said anything, so I just felt like I was lying to everyone, all the time. It was a lot. I wasn't happy. I made a lot of small changes. Some of these were lifestyle-related: I left public school and switched to independent study. I graduated early and started going to my community college. I got involved in clubs that interested me. But honestly a lot of them were more, like... psychological? Personality-based? More intangible things. I feel like I started engaging with some really introspective shit like

Asking myself, what am I so afraid of? What is the worst that could happen? And actually going through the motions of picturing all of those things, and how I would realistically deal with them, and also realizing that none of it was actually that bad, at all. I could manage literally any of the things I was terrified of, and a lot of the time, there was nothing to be terrified of at all.

Reconceptualizing my social anxiety as an extremely selfish, self-destructive mindset. I think this is going to sound controversial but I believe a lot of my social anxiety was born from being too obsessed with myself. Not in a positive way; I HATED myself. But I was too obsessed with how other people viewed me. I was too obsessed with how I was perceived. To the point that I was treating other people cruelly. You know that tweet that's like "I told my husband that sometimes I worry he hates me and secretly gets annoyed by me, and he said that it made him sad and he wished I wouldn't think of him that way"? Yeah. This also meant doing stuff like developing better social skills for conversing with people that centered them instead of me, like learning how to recognize social cues that didn't really come naturally, asking more questions, being more expressive/reactive, allowing other people to talk first... little things.

But also developing conviction in myself! Realizing that if someone DID think I was stupid, or annoying, or was unnecessarily rude or cruel to me, that they were the one in the wrong. Becoming more confident in knowing who I am and what I'm about, so that if someone judges me, that's on them, not on me. I don't exist for other people. I'm doing my thing authentically, and if other people can't see that, that's on THEM, not on ME.

The two nails in the coffin that buried my social anxiety six feet under for good was getting into the goth/dark alt community and transitioning. Both of these were legitimately life saving. I already loved the music, but I found myself actually wanting to be apart of the community surrounding it. I wanted to go to concerts and see my favorite bands, I wanted to go to clubs and hear the music I love played loud and dance to it. I wanted to dress up and appear Cool to the people I found cool. I literally had to get over it--And when I did go to concerts and clubs and interacted with other musicheads, they were the friendliest, most accepting people I had ever met. It wasn't even that I clicked with everyone instantly, I didn't make any long term friends overnight, but they were nice. They were understanding. They didn't judge me for being a baby bat who was literally bringing his mom to shows lmao. Being in the goth community made me love people, honestly.

And obviously transitioning was just... life saving, in every single sense of the phrase. I would not be alive or who I am in any capacity today if it weren't for transitioning, and it lifted a burden so heavy off of me that it's hard to really fully process the person I was before versus who I am today. Honestly, I almost feel like you could delete everything else and just have this post become a rant about how much transitioning and overcoming my social anxiety has a 1:1 correlation and how much dysphoria masks itself as or at least severely worsens other conditions. I'm genuinely happy now. I enjoy meeting other people. I love being seen as the man I am, navigating society and being authentically me. I think my social anxiety was inseparable from dysphoria. I think my dysphoria was genuinely deeply incapacitating in ways even I couldn't articulate or even fathom.

I did not tell my supervisor all this, LMAO. She doesn't even know I'm trans. I'm stealth to everyone in my program except higher-ups or individuals in my cohort who I've spoken with. But it just had me thinking A LOT about how far I've come. What I did tell my supervisor is, and I stand by this, that I think I'm generally considered a Likable Person™ who promotes Positive Environments™ because it's something I had to work my ass off for. It did not come naturally, and I think it's why I'm so, so cognizant of it.

#this is long and conceited but idk man let me talk about myself for a sec lolllllllllllllllllll

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ihatepeoplesomuchuwu · 9 months

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As a POC, CSA survivor, and both trans & queer - Tom should've educated himself. He had no right to step his foot into racism that /he/ has not experienced. I've had a genuine brick thrown in my face because I spoke Spanish. /Because I spoke Spanish./

GaG is nothing /but/ hate, and it worries me that the "let's agree to disagree" mentality is being spread here. It's dangerous. It's scary to think you guys would still want to support a creator - who's fandom had poc and was mainly LGBT - who looked down upon us. It's common sense, that he did not have. I don't wish death threats upon anyone, and I am so terribly sorry he experienced that. But I am happy he is gone. Let him learn and actually research before he steps his foot into issues he does not belong in.

His fandom that he created felt betrayed, hurt, and as if we were used for money. I still do. I do not support him. The only support he deserves, is therapy and actual learning. Not babying and coddling. People need to realize that just because you have freedom to like something, doesn't free you of consequence and opinion. I hope he stays gone, in all respect. And I hope all of his supporters that "he did nothing wrong" also grow up and get help. Listen to POC, queer, jew, and disabled voices.

I am so so sorry you went through that. I won't pretend by saying I understand how you're feeling, but just know that I'm so sorry you went through/go through all of that. You are very strong, and I hope one day things do get better, not just for you but any and everyone who has gone through that.

As for the GaG agree to disagree subject. The agree to disagree thing was for the Tom situation in general, not only for the GaG. I have been talking about them because I'm trying to educate myself on who they are as people and only recently learned about their actions. I can't speak for all of us, but some of us are just here to discuss stuff. Not all of us are or will continue to support Tom. You have people who love lurking for love, still do but don't want to buy anything or continuing to follow Tom if he comes back. You have others who will. You have others who don't. We all understand that here, and we shouldn't be telling others what to do in their lives. We can disagree and move on, of course, but yelling and being rude only drives people away faster.

Why drive him away, though? I didn't even agree with everything he said, but why couldn't we have had a conversation with him about it instead of telling him what was wrong with what was said? People mess up all the time. It happens, and we shouldn't be screaming insults at someone who had his own opinions and side of the story. Both sides were handled poorly, and I still stand by that this should have been handled privately like adults.

I understand. A lot of people were hurt, and no one here is looking down on those who were hurt. This is meant to be a place where people can talk from both sides about what happened without getting insulted, It doesn't matter if I or anyone agrees or not. This is a safe place for those who don't know where to go when they can't feel welcomed or safe to say, even ONE opinion. You want to call it babying and coddling, then fine, No one is stopping you. But sometimes, all someone needs to understand is someone to just hold their hand and explain. Especially when Tom even asked for proof of the comic artist being a Nazi and only 1 person helped him. People sometimes just need help to understand or get the whole picture. My dad never understood being trans. He even said transphobic things to my face, but all It took was time and explaining, and now he defends anyone who is trans and even when I came out to him.

I can not add on the racism part because I have never experienced racism. I'm not going to even pretend I do because racism is an awful to see and I can't even imagine how it must feel to experience it first hand. I am so sorry that you have and I'm sorry to anyone who has as well.

With everything being said, I hope you have a wonderful day or night, anon, and please remember to hydrate as well, okay? ^^

#carnivorekitty #lurking for love #lfl #l4l #niwinoodle #anonymous #Please have a wonderful day anon ❤️

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bmacreadz · 1 year

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"Hooked" by Emily McIntire

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author's note in "Hooked:"

"Hooked is a dark, cotemporary romance. It is an adult fractured fairy tale. It is not a fantasy, or a retelling. The main character is a villain. If you're looking for a safe read with redemption and a bad guy turned into a hero, you will not find it in these pages."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Hooked" is indeed a dark, contemporary romance, which is not my usual brand of romance. In fact, I was a little apprehensive after reading the author's note because I wasn't sure if I would end up liking the story. I hadn't read anything where the author literally promises evil without redemption and I didn't exactly know how I felt about it. To be honest, I still don't really know how I feel about it. Nevertheless, I read on, and I'm surprised at how I actually enjoyed this book.

There are a lot of trigger points in "Hooked," and the author provides a list at the beginning in the author's note (I read the kindle version with the link to the list). I didn't read the list before diving in, because I usually don't get triggered by even the most heartbreaking of topics, though they were still pretty hard to read. I will say to readers who are very empathetic: tread cautiously with this one. There are some rough points that are made, and this is an all-around rough book.

"Hooked" follows Wendy Michaels and James Barrie, affectionately known as Hook, as they traverse the very dark and complicated streets of their emotions and hidden agendas of drug-pushing mob bosses in Massachusetts, USA. James is out for vengeance, Wendy is out for love and, as you can imagine, things get a little twisted. I was shocked at the turn of events and a little sad as I presumed that this book was not going to end very happily.

I couldn't fathom agreeing with anyone's decisions in this book, and the characters were extremely unlikable, but I continued turning the page to see how things were going to play out because I couldn't put it down. And I assume that's how it was supposed to be, given the genre I was diving into. Eventually, I was graciously reading the romance I hoped it would be... sort of... and personally, I think McIntire might have fibbed a little when she said the book lacked any sort of redemption.

"Hooked" was written from the perspectives of both Wendy and James, and I am so glad it was. If I had to guess the whole time at what was going through either of their heads during some of their roughest moments, I don't think I would have had the patience for it. Wendy was aggressively naïve and I really wanted to hate her for it, but I couldn't. With the way the author wrote her emotions, her understanding, and her heartbreak, I couldn't bring myself to be mad at her or James - with vengeance being the latter's greatest priority. Consequently, I ended up rooting - beside myself - for the so-called villains in this story because in a story like this, nobody's the "good guy." There's only the bad guys and the worse ones. One ends up rooting for the lesser evil, and I surprisingly felt no guilt from it. I wanted Wendy to find peace, I wanted James to get his revenge, and I wanted everyone who had ever hurt them to feel their wrath in the very gruesome and vivid ways that were promised. Most importantly, I wanted them doing it together.

Now that I'm done with the book, I don't think I'll be venturing much further into this genre in the near - or even distant - future. It was thrilling and I liked it, but more than that, I like to live in fairy tales and go to places that make me feel happy and in love. This was definitely not one of those reads.

Although "Hooked" wasn't my usual cup of tea, I tore through it in less than two days. I obsessed over it as I read it. It was a good read and made me feel a lot of things. I still wouldn't recommend this to everyone. Like I said, tread cautiously because there are some deep-cutting wounds dealt with in this book. However, if you think you can handle it, and you like to take extended stays into the darker romances, then absolutely go for it.

One more thing: McIntire says in the author's note that this is not a retelling of the beloved "Peter Pan" story, which is definitely true. This book is saturated with "Peter Pan," though. The names, the places, everything is a reference and I loved it. It was interesting to see all the different ways this story could spin a reference, and I'm glad that McIntire ventured into something so unique. This coming from someone who loves "Peter Pan."

So yeah, read it or don't. I could've gone my whole life without reading it and not been sad about it, but I think I'm glad I did. Like I said, I still don't really know how I feel about it.

#book review #Hooked #Emily McIntire

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audiovisualrecall · 20 days

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I miss the days of writing out rps and stories with friends, even if I've always been bad at sticking with something and would get bored or stressed out or too busy at times. I miss that fandom culture thing, forum boards for big role play story games. I miss the active primeval fandom (family). I miss when even stevetony fandom was more active than it is. I haven't been able to participate in any events due to lack of spoons and time, but I miss when there were like 20 stories in the bb/rbb events and tons of bingo fill posts. I miss when I had the spoons and time and motivation to participate, too. It just seems so exhausting to try, now. Or uncomfortable.

Maybe I cringe more than I should at the thought of doing things that I used to like, even tho I'd never put down anyone else for it. Idk. It's like how I can't really play pretend at all anymore I used to make up these epic story games with friends and with my younger cousins when we were young. At some point they didn't want to play anymore, and I felt self conscious about being x age and playing pretend crawling around as a cat and chasing bad guys and saving the day and whatever else we did, I stopped because no one else wanted to play, and I beat back the urge to play pretend and tried to make the boring adult talking thing interesting to me. And then my sister had a kiddo and as he got big enough to play, I realized I couldn't do it anymore. I'd lost the magic. I felt self conscious, uncomfortable, even though you're supposed to play with kids, I cringed, I tried anyway and it was like there was a semi-opaque wall between me and the story games he made and I tried to participate in. We played hide and seek a lot when I wasn't good at playing at star wars. That was fun, until people would comment on me being his playmate and paying attention to us and I became self conscious and uncomfortable. I didn't want to sit around talking about boring things when me nephew wanted to play, though! So we played anyway, but the magic of playing pretend is lost to me. And then my cousins had little ones, a whole gaggle, and after initial awkwardness for them meeting new people, I was instantly their playmate, and I didn't mind or care what others thought, it was fun, and with so many of them running around, everyone else was playing on and off, too. But I still couldn't play pretend, much. I was happy to be the jungle gym and had 4 or 5 of my cousins' kiddos climbing and jumping on me and to tickle them and chase them and be silly, and race toy cars around with them. But the stories where you grow up and you can't touch the magic anymore? Yeah, I Haye the stories because for me they're true, and it's not because it's inherent but because social pressure made it happen.

Somehow the way I can't imagine participating in fandom, in ways that would longterm make me happy, because I get self conscious or exhausted, it comes from or is the same thing that cost me the ability to play pretend. I used to write stories all the time,too. We're they any good, who cares, but I enjoyed it, and I wrote a lot for them. Original and fanfic. Now 'I'm not a writer'. I can barely make myself make art sometimes but at least I still feel I'm an artist, it's who I am, that's not changing at least. I don't write much, though.

I guess it's a potent mix of depression and social anxiety, intersecting with adhd and autism, and being a busy adult who has to work, that just leaves me... nothing. I do a lot of nothing, sometimes. Sometimes I do something, a bunch of somethings, I make some art, work on a project, I read a book or a fanfic or a few, I interact with one or two friends online in some capacity. I'm bad at my job that doesn't help anything, and rsd brain hates that. I have lots of hobbies, and projects half started, I buy things and enjoy things.

But I don't do certain things that I know used to bring me joy. Some because tbe internet has changed, and the old things don't work or exist anymore. Some because I can't get myself to. I'm tired of being tired, I'm tired of not having any real friends, I'm tired of not reaching out or talking to friends I know I have if only I did just that. I can't, though, I'm exhausted, talking sounds so exhausting, uncomfortable. I overthink everything I type in a message to a friend. I overthink everything in general. I can't get myself to reply. And then I forget. And time passes and it becomes Hardee and then impossible to. For me.

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yorshie · 1 month

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Hi Yorshie!

(Edit from the future. I'm sorry this is so long)

I'm the same annon who mentioned the Leo and Hawkeye comparison, and I actually really liked and agree with your opinions! I didn't know how to articulate them before, and it's actually been a long minute since I've seen any MASH, but I really loved your analysis of the characters! I absolutely agree 100% that the similarities are on the surface, but once you get down into the meat of their personalities and how they handle conflict (past their masks), they really are very different. I think I initially considered the two very, very, very similar because I have been considering some of the Fandoms more angsty aus of Leo instead of the original version from the cartoon. Either way, thank you so much for writing a whole character analysis just for little o'l me! *happy spin*

I still like the characters and their similarities a lot, and I wonder how they would bounce off each other if they ever did meet? I don't know when or how that would happen, but would they be friends? would their competitive nature's create conflict? friends to enemies over the course of the war? could they even become enemies when all they want is for the fighting to. just. stop?! would they initially bond of their similar mask styles and then later grow resentful when Leo would inevitably rise *giggles* up to the challenge? hmm. I also think there would be a ton of comedy potential in a character pairing like that if you also consider their age gap. Would Pierce find Leo's teen antics amusing and remind him of himself when he was a teen, or would they constantly be at odds because Leo has No Respect for authority?

My parents would leave M*A*S*H on the TV when I was a kid, so I remember seeing the characters all the time, which is how I know anything about it at all. A couple of years ago, I sat down to watch it from the beginning and in order. While I enjoyed it, I got distracted in the middle and never picked it back up, so I wouldn't really be able to call myself much of a fan, I guess. That being said, my favorite character from M*A*S*H has always been B.J. Honeycut! I was a prankster when I was a kid, and I loved that even though he was an adult, B.J. also liked to clown around and be silly. He also really loves his wife and child, and he actively misses them all the time.

(also gives Henry Blake and Trapper John the grinchiest side-eye I can muster)

I'm thrilled you got to see the movie and that you enjoyed it! I love the Rise movie so much that when I had to get my first root canal, I picked it to watch during my appointment to help keep me calm (I had already seen it 5 or 6 times lmaooo) and I actually giggled several times while the dentists were hollowing out my molar (my husband, there for emotional support, couldn't believe it 😅🤣)

Thank you again for sharing your art, time, and energy with us! (Continue to hydrate friend! Many hugs)

Hello Nonnie! Thank you for coming by again! Absolutely don't worry about the length of the ask lol it's all good.

(Side bar before I get into the Leo and Hawkeye talk, at least Trapper had an agreement with his wife. Idk if that agreement included she could do as she pleased while he was away at the war, but he was at least up front about his infidelities.)

I think if Hawkeye and Rise Leonardo were ever to meet, it would be an explosion of many different things at once. First and foremost being, I think it would break Hawkeye a little bit. Let's not forget that Leo would be sixteen at the time of the movie (if that's when they would meet) and I imagine Hawkeye would 1. be insanely angry a kid was risking his life, followed by 2. insanely angry to hear that this kid blames himself for everything bad happening. I think it would be a complete 180 if Hawkeye met Leo when he was older, maybe further into the war, because as much as a wonderful character Hawkeye is I don't think he could be in the same room with the man that "started the war" without busting a vein to is heart and dying on the spot or having a complete mental break. (i know you say you haven't watched the show a lot so I won't spoil specific things but Hawkeye's state of mind is a reoccurring factor)

I think they'd get along personality wise if Hawkeye never found out Leo was "responsible" for the war. And since Hawkeye has no respect for authority himself, I don't think Leo having none would bother him at all. Probably hijinks would ensue though lol, i mean it is Rise after all.

BJ is by far one of the best characters in M*A*S*H. I think my favorite episode with him (that's not heavy) is Dear Siegfried, and I'd recommend it if you haven't seen it yet. The best part about M*A*S*H is how real each character feels, how they each have their own goals and flaws.

Included some M*A*S*H gifs for you hehe

#ask away!#i will say though.... trapper's smile is downright lethal #goodbye farewell and until we speak again nonnie :)

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the-diary-of-red-beryl · 1 year

Text

ramblings in my delirium

tw: suicide, mental health. this one’s more of a ramble, and not a whole lot of conclusiveness. i've currently also a cold, which makes my cognitive processing struggles a bit more difficult. still, i think i’ve discovered some new things about myself lately so here it is:

if there was a phrase that i felt best described my life so far, I'd say that it's akin to being in a city of eternal night.

it dawned on me recently that I'd never felt happy or enjoyed doing anything once in my life. I've always felt bored, and especially at night, I'd feel existential dread. this has been the case for as long as i can remember. i can feel distracted or engaged from doing some things, but the moment it's done I feel no added warmth. for exercise, or learning a skill, or doing adult things like paying bills or finishing saving up for a big purchase, i feel the satisfaction of making progress or achieving a goal, but i ultimately don't derive joy from it. it's something that needs to be done, and it's good if it's done well. what this means is that it's something I'd do if I'm alive and forced to keep living, but it wouldn't be something I look forward to experiencing, I couldn't care less about any of it, especially if I contemplated whether to die tomorrow.

i was prepared for my life to end when i was seventeen. I couldn't see an end to the troubles that i was facing, or hope for a future where i might feel positively. it surprises me that five years have passed by since these moments, because these years feel f*cking long. i take some level of comfort in the fact that the world doesn't just crumble into non-existence at the whim of my mood, each day passes whether I will for it to or not. it feels like a sick joke to me really, that my struggles are a blip in the sea of primordial soup, in which the universe only cares for whether I choose to be alive the next day, and there's absolutely no guarantee that if I choose to continue that eventually I will see better and more agreeable days. I don't necessarily need to be here either, I'm not important. although i guess I'm technically held here against my will simply because the human body is insanely good at not wanting to actually die, even when it gets around to it. one of the richest emotions I've ever felt was insane fear staring at the noose i had set up in front of me back then. i already have an overactive emotional gut, but i quite literally recoiled in a stomach ache and was figuratively sh*tting myself and uncontrollably shaking. it does remind me that i wanted to use dying as a means to escape the pain and hopelessness that i was (and still) am going through, even at the cost of the potential to see life turn out for the better. that pure fear is probably the biggest reason why I'm still alive, and why dying is not something i consider anymore whenever i feel like I'm stuck again and ready to give up.

i do have days where I feel content, though it's more so a feeling that arises out of having my primary needs met like having food on my plate, a roof over my head and money coming in that I've earned for myself. it's not enough to make me look forward or want to wake up for another day, but these are the things that must happen should i keep living, is what i feel. i imagine when people say they feel content, it's that it's these things, but also that they have things they enjoy and can look forward to in the near future, something that keeps them going. i just feel numb. i can recognise moments when people would be happy, and i can feel happiness vicariously through others, i can also mirror happy facial expressions. but I don't physically feel any of it for myself. the warmth doesn't linger in my body, and i dare say it was never there in the first place. i smile out of social obligation to others, whether to build amicable acquaintanceships, or to show appreciation for a thoughtful gesture (an appreciation of a more transactional nature, objectively understanding that something is good for me without the added emotion of feeling "touched").

many people have close friends that they only see twice a year or so, but with whom when they catch up, it's like they've never left. a question that comes to mind for me when thinking about this, is what you're supposed to do for the six months between each visit. I think I'd really struggle getting by if I only had friends that I saw twice a year, given how much of a struggle it already is for me to just survive each day. i think that when people say this, it's because they already have other things in the picture that make their lives worth living, and these friends are an added bonus, which, I do think is the way it should be. i also think that what elevates these in-between periods is the feeling of family, a home with the warmth of people that care for you (and you them) that you interact with more frequently if not daily, and with whom you feel safe and secure around, and who help you recharge your energy as you go through your day-to-day life, although i do wonder whether you need to be close with these people. that said, i do think that what deepens a connection isn't necessarily how much time you spend with them, if you already have the right chemistry then twice a year is enough to maintain that, and i guess when or if your everyday life overlaps then you'd take up that opportunity together as well? i think proximity is a big factor in this case, whether that's living closeby or having similar schedules.

so suppose there’s an ideal friend out there for me, for my current state of being, assuming that i don’t feel happiness for the foreseeable future. it’d have to be someone that isn’t off put or stressed by me not feeling happy when we hang out or that i don’t enjoy doing things, who is able to find comfort in me just being there and what i bring to the table. i can provide presence, responsiveness, a piece of mind, huge interest in human psychology and emotional connections. i can be someone you share a meal with, and if you just need me there, i can share your space. i’ve almost described having a pet. it is something i’ve been considering, given it might provide me with the much needed oxytocin day-to-day, however i’m worried that i be able to consistently look after it, or worse yet not be able to form a bond (based on my history with people). but also, i think i see the difference here is that a pet doesn’t choose to be with you, but a friend does. to have someone out there get to know you, and decide that you’re the one they want in their life (because it’s you and not anyone else), that’s something i’m looking for. of course, the other alternative is i meet someone who manages to muster all these positive emotions in me for the first time ever, and they happen to appreciate that and want to be close, which may or may not happen. but i do think that either way, i don’t believe that i need to be without flaws to have friends (and my flaws aren’t particularly bad), it just depends on whether someone takes an interest in me and that it’s mutual.

well, the kind of people i choose to associate with is fairly specific. foremost, i can’t stand people who intentionally choose to harm others, whether physically or emotionally, or resort to displays of anger, intimidation and control to get the things that they want. i also can’t stand people who display indifference or bystander behaviour when it doesn’t take much effort to do something good in the situation. then, i prefer people who are reliable and competent, who can get things done (this one’s partly due to me having trauma from growing up with unreliable parents, but also is a core value of mine), and can communicate well and navigate difficult topics, whether they’ve experienced it or not, and have the ability to empathise. i’m fine with the friendship being bumpy, and over time you’re meant to decide whether the friendship is well-suited and worthwhile anyway. but from there, i think what’s left is chemistry and things i haven’t figured out i needed, and chance.

I've never experienced or been able to develop a deep relationship with someone else in which I could feel comfortable being myself in, and safely rely on. I can't say I've ever truly had fun being with someone, felt warm after getting to know them and really feel that from what they bring into my life (objectively, saying i had fun with someone means that i felt that our conversation flowed naturally and that we had similar values, and i would like to do this again another time to develop our friendship further). that said, i think i’ve gotten better at building and maintaining acquaintances or not-so-close friends, and seeming more personable.

the question that is begged here is that, how does someone form a friendship with others if not on a basis of sharing joy? i think typically this would be the case, that people just naturally gravitate towards those that they enjoy being with, share common interests, and eventually build trust with and feel safe around. but for me, who doesn't enjoy doing anything and never actually feels ok, who can only mirror positive emotions in others at the cost of not being true to myself, it's a bit of a trick question. not to mention that i think and communicate in a way that is not neurotypical, and my obliviousness to some social etiquette makes some people rule me out as someone to consider getting closer to. the expectations to conform to said social interaction rules is a whole different story, given that it drains me to mask like that and feels wholly unnatural and unsustainable, and the nature of which doesn't provide me with any emotional markers to follow suit. a quick summary, as a teenager i heavily, very heavily displayed symptoms of borderline personality disorder, and i believed that my difficulty in building relationships with others was only because I didn't have the opportunity to do so and learn from experience of getting socialised. but now, having been able to meet and befriend many people, and see the friendships come and go, i realise that i struggled to learn the 'right' way to act anyway, unless someone explained to me subsequently what i did or didn't do, and why and how it affects others, because i really, absolutely, do not feel any emotions relating to when these things are done to me. i suppose maybe it's a bit like teaching a colourblind person to see colours like someone who isn't colourblind might see. but what i mean is that, i think people follow these actions and phrases to show intent, like expressing to the other person that their personal space is respected, or that they're welcome in the home, but to me, I don't feel any different if it's done another way as long as it clearly shows their intent (which i say i can read intent well at least). I'd actually add further that i think the intent in mind for these practices isn't necessarily the one they truly feel deep down, it's more so a desired message that they wish to send across, regardless of how they actually feel, something more diplomatic? I'm just theorising here, but it might be a mechanism that people use to establish the safety of space between others, close friends or coworkers or whatnot, and playing the game shows to others that you're on the same page on what the rules are, and the objective is to preserve both yourself and others. in the same vein, it's why i think I'm decent at tackling difficult topics like my experiences and feelings, or breaking down industry jargon and ideas into something digestible for any audience, but absolutely struggle with persuading people and influencing how they feel subtly through words and visuals or build morale and rapport, I'm not utilising that "space". i can feel emotions through others, and mirror what they express, and can predict their behaviour based on past experiences, but I can't accurately fathom what they're thinking or influence it well even through clear communication. i do recognise this as a skill that i want to learn because of its usefulness, although I would not use this if i can help it.

a consolation prize is that i can at least feel comfort when I'm able to put my jumbled thoughts into words, although knowing whether I've made progress in choosing a suitable direction or solution out of it is a different story (i blame depression brain fog). one thing I've learnt in my years of navigating this thick brush of depression is that there's a lot of false alarms for when things might seem to make a turn for the better. after socialising with a group of new people, the mix of feeling distracted, engaged, and hopeful, makes me think that maybe I'm finally happy, but the distinguishing factor is that that "feeling" is so terribly impermanent, almost as though it's just something i conjured up for myself after desperately looking for its true form for so long. i think I'm just good at identifying moments where i should be happy (but I'm not), not that not feeling happy in those moments necessarily means that there's something wrong with me. sometimes it comes out later that my intuition was right that i felt that something was off earlier, for example i felt that i didn't click with the people i just met. that said, i too often do scratch my head when clearly nothing's wrong, but i still feel terribly numb. whether that's travelling in a new country, eating very good food, going to concerts, going for a walk, or meeting old friends. i wonder whether it's because I don't know what actually makes me happy, because it exists and I've yet to find it, if I just can't feel it at all, or i do feel it, but not in a large enough magnitude because my other emotions are greater in scale?

objectively, I don't believe that there needs to be a reason why certain people have different things that make them happy. the reason's trivial, it's that they feel happy first, and then later realise why that's the case. although for the more unfortunate, it would help to understand the reason first and subsequently try out things. for me though, both are hard because i don’t have any indications in the first place to help figure out where to go from there. the more helpful thing for me to consider is rather purpose. the dangerous moments are when i wonder to myself why i’m alive, whether there’s a point to any of this. the other day i settled on the idea that maybe someone out there needs to meet me, and specifically me. maybe meeting me will brighten up their life (and them mine), however far into my life this might be. i think it works, because it takes the focus away from what i want (because it’s as easy for me to stop wanting it and to prefer to disappear), and onto something more out of my control that i still kind of care about. but i still wonder what i need to do to brighten up the rest of my day-to-day life to make it more worth living and less painful. workplace adjustments, homelife adjustments, looking after myself physically and understanding more of myself, professional help (this one’s always hard and a work in progress given the financial costs, suitability and time availability of health practitioners and counsellors, etc.), but it still feels like i’m missing quite a bit. my current guess is that maybe i can start taking note of my experiences so that i can recount it back to that person later in my life? somehow it’s a lot easier for me to do things when it’s for someone else’s sake (though not just anyone’s).

#diaryposting #diary entry #self reflecting #journal #writing #online diary #dear diary #diary #my diary

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sneezemonster15 · 2 years

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Hello, I want to know which aspect of the sns story really moved you and made you decide to dedicate your time and effort and create a blog for it.

For me I think it’s the overall melancholy of their story. How loneliness became their common ground to notice one another. And in the end when their feelings for one another are known, the expectations of the village specially from Naruto kept them from being really together.

I just find it beautiful but equally heartbreaking.

Hi anon.

Oh boy. This is a very difficult question for me to answer. I have talked about their unique relationship in some of my other posts. But even I don't feel like it describes my feelings for them accurately, given how overwhelmed they make me feel. And even with all the tools in my linguistic arsenal, my description of my feelings for them comes up lacking. Goes to show how limiting language can be.

I wasn't actually going to answer this question tbh. The reason why it's difficult for me to answer this question is because of my personal feelings attached to it. But I am going to, now. If I didn't feel so affected by their story, I would never have joined this fandom, my first fandom ever. And I would certainly have not talked about them in such an emotional way, given how much I hate being vulnerable. But theirs is one relationship that I give myself to, I allow myself to be vulnerable about it. And despite having consumed a huge quantity of drama on screen and in print, I have never felt so consumed by anything else. Because of how much I relate to it.

I am a survivor of childhood abuse and neglect, among other things. I come from a broken family, and having grown up in a conservative society, with absolutely no one to talk to about it, talking about mental health was a complete taboo, and even though I had friends, I couldn't talk about it with them, as I knew they would not understand and I myself felt like it showed weakness on my part, talking about it. Like it was my drawback to have had a physically and emotionally abusive family. I never felt comfortable being vulnerable then, I guess I feel a little less vulnerable now. Anonymity helps.

I had to grow up sooner than any child should have to, because of my situation. The only silver lining to this dark cloud was my imagination. My ardent interest in stories kept me sane, it presented a good way to escape. Like with any child living in such a situation, my nervous system adapted itself to self preserve and protect. And it really did a good job of it. But it has its own drawbacks. When you block pain, you end up blocking happiness as well. As I grew up, it became harder and harder to break that wall of self defense, so much so that it became part of my personality. Like with any child who has experienced trauma. I really felt like there weren't many things that could make me...feel. I measured my self worth with my achievements, so I did really well at academics, got into the most prestigious academic institution in my country, and strived to develop my personality with extra curricular activities, which attracted a lot of people in social spheres. I was never lacking for company. But I always felt this solid door blocking a natural and healthy flow of exchange of emotions that even till this date, my first response of seeing someone cry is to smile. Of all the books that I have read and films that I have seen about love, I could sympathize with a few. But not truly relate. Because my understanding of love, without even putting it in words in my own head, was about a giving and selfless love that nothing I had seen could ever satisfy. When children are deprived of parental love and attention, they look for parent like figures in their adult lives. Where they sabotage themselves by projecting on that idea of love, to try and control it, as a response to their own self defence mechanisms, they lose their ability to trust. So naturally, it happened to me. I have been in committed relationships, I have been proposed to a couple of times. I always backed out at that moment. Because I realized, even without wording it properly in my head, that it was not what I was looking for. My idea of love was something that didn't exist. Unconditional love. That I ideally should have gotten from my parents. Now, even parental love is conditional, but the kid me didn't think that way. And despite all my achievements, the void remained. I still feel that way. I can't help but. All my life, I wanted that love that was denied to me. And that idea of love, romantic or no, is something that I never saw in media, parts of it, sure, but not to the extent that Kishi made me feel. It was unprecedented for me. So I could appreciate Amour by Haneke or Eternal Sunshine of a spotless mind by Kauffman, but the best films about love that affected me still had to do with a love that came from a child's perspective. Which is why the films that really affected me were films like Children of Heaven or Grave of the fireflies or Le ballon Rouge or Halo.

But these films were still lacking, in the sense, that there always was a catch. Narratively. I didn't consciously know that I needed it, but I instinctively knew that I wanted to feel it, to know that it existed, that it was not just in my imagination. I wanted to know for sure that it was possible, even if just in fiction, so that my feelings about it could be validated. Which I finally found in Naruto.

Naruto is about romantic love, but it's not romantic. Which is to say that the romantic tropes are there, but the feeling they engendered in me are on such a level that I have never seen or felt with anything else to compare it with. My personal experience of romance and romantic love is substantial. But I never felt consumed by it, not once, not even close. I never felt affected by it to the same extent my partners did. In all my romantic relationships, I have been the one to leave. It had a lot to do with my trust issues, but I guess I was looking for someone or something that could help me resolve these trust issues without having asked for it. Which is to say, I wanted to be loved in such a way that would take my skepticism and distrust in people away, just through loving. Romantic or not. I knew that the child inside me would never be satisfied with a love that didn't love the child inside me. I didn't know what it would look like, but I instinctively knew that I would KNOW when I saw it.

And then I saw it. I felt it. With Naruto and Sasuke. Their love made the child inside me feel like this is what it was looking for. A love like that. A love that finally shook my self defence walls to such an extent, that I couldn't recover from it for days afterwards. I guess I still haven't. I felt so damn vulnerable but the strength of their love allowed me to feel strong enough to let myself be vulnerable. Because finally there came along a story that was worthy of my vulnerability, a love that was worthy of my extreme response to it, I never related with any other media this way, ever.

Their love is about the other. I could wax philosophical about the different conceptions and definitions of love. But at the end of the day, in retrospect, loving someone is a direct reflection of how one would like oneself to be loved. It is selfish and selfless at the same time. There can be no love without the 'I' that loves and the 'other' that receives and vice versa.

Sasuke and Naruto were both orphans, starved of love, neglected and abhorred. I couldn't relate more. When I was a child, all I wanted was one person, just one person, to have understood my feelings. Just one. I didn't get to have it.

So I understand completely, how Naruto felt when Sasuke left. I understand why Sasuke felt he needed to destroy Naruto to be completely alone. I completely understand how one, just one person can change everything about your life with love, everything. From top to bottom. And I completely understand that when you have found it, you would do anything to keep it, to preserve it, protect it, live for it, and die for it. What would I have have given to have it....No child should feel that alone, that helpless and powerless in the face of cruelty and utter disregard and contempt.

For them to have found that in each other, was a dream of mine that I never could have put in words until I saw it for myself. In them.

Had it not been for stories, I would never have been where I am now. In a comfortable place, where I can afford therapy. Where I enjoy friendship and a healthy home atmosphere, away from my family. A career that is fruitful and a lifestyle that I live on my own terms.

There isn't just one aspect that I like about their relationship. It's the entire relationship itself, how it started, progressed, developed, how it evolved, how it faced the challenges thrown at it by the entire world, and how it stood steady despite all of it. All of it.

Naruto never staggered in his love, he was a rock solid foundation of love. And you know why he was able to love like that? Because Sasuke inspired it in him. Because Sasuke loved him like that, because Sasuke put everything on line to have Naruto live his dream. Because Sasuke's love for him was so selfless and pure, that Naruto couldn't believe that someone could love him like that. Acknowledgement is one thing, but Sasuke's love for Naruto went beyond acknowledgement. Sasuke loved Naruto for Naruto himself. That's why he couldn't believe it when Sasuke sacrificed his life for him at the land of waves arc. Everything that made Naruto, Naruto, was enough for Sasuke to love him. And so Sasuke, who had his own goals and objectives, prioritised Naruto over himself. That's why Naruto was so baffled by it. That's why he broke the seal. That's why he went feral like that. And that moment of realisation made him feel strong enough to be able to achieve anything in the world, as long as it would facilitate him to reach Sasuke. As long as he could understand Sasuke. As long as he could show Sasuke that he was loved and cared for, no matter what the odds.

And he kept proving it to a Sasuke who was utterly betrayed by the entire world, his own family included, that he had lost trust in everyone. He could only trust himself, and no one else. But Naruto kept proving to him that there was one other person who trusted him, that there was one person who loved Sasuke in a way he deserved. That Sasuke was deserving of all the love and sacrifice and devotion. There was one other person who would give up his own dreams and even his life to keep proving it constantly until Sasuke could trust him. Not by words, but by actions.

Isn't this what love is? Or isn't this what love should be? Loving someone is hard in itself, but to love someone like that takes a special something, something that is borne out of one's own need for love. It takes courage to love like that. Very few of us have that courage, and even though I idealize their love, I know I don't, if I ever did.

This world where they lived was so devoid of love and empathy and even basic understanding of humanity, so constipated of emotions and human feelings, that even children couldn't get the benefit of love. You can feed and clean and shelter an infant, but if you don't show it love and affection, it will die. Love is the most important thing for a person in order to live, and yet the hardest to ask for. Is shinobi world all that different from the real world? Surely way more cruel and violent, but it's just a matter of personal experience and perspective, no?

I know that a lot of people don't understand the motivations of Sasuke and Naruto. I do. I know what it means for them to have each other. And the fact that they now live in a world where they are not together, breaks my heart. Because if anyone deserved to be together the most, it was them. They epitomize love in my eyes.

Kishimoto wrote their story with so much feeling and a deep understanding of child psychology, that I just can't help but get upset when people deny it. Because it's like they are denying mine and several other kids' lived experiences that they understand nothing of.

You can't truly understand and appreciate love unless you have known the deprivation of it. You can't truly understand happiness and joy unless you have experienced sadness and grief. You can't understand companionship unless you have experienced loneliness. You can't understand trust unless you have been betrayed. And Sasuke and Naruto have.

That's why they love each other like that. That's why they are worthy of my love and appreciation. That's why I pour my effort and hours as my tribute to them. Because there are very very few things that have the power to affect me this way. And they did.

So I am here, answering questions about things that I wouldn't even tell my therapist unless coaxed. That's how much they mean to me.

#sns #ask #anon #naruto #sasuke

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henqtic · 3 years

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learning- d.m

- summary: one where Draco learns how to do your hair, you being a poc- more specifically a black girl with curly hair :)

- word count: 1.4k

- warnings: mentions of being insecure about your hair

- more works with black/ poc readers → Hat & “just one more hour”

- masterlist | gif creds | taglist form |

——

“Draco I love you but— just not that much,” you said through a grimace, only making him roll his eyes again.

Draco was always one to offer you help on wash days, knowing how much time it took you to do all of that on your own and honestly, you appreciated that.

But today as the conditioner was getting combed through your hair, he brought up the idea of doing it for you— And no he didn’t mean the basic task of combing a product through your hair, but he meant actually doing it.

And it wasn’t that you thought he could... Of course not. And as dramatic as it sounds, you didn’t want to take the risk. What you mean by that is that Draco is someone you would classify as a mom friend.

Being called a mom friend wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, it was one of those good titles that any person would want to have in a friend group. And even though Draco didn’t seem like the type, he was always that person to make sure everyone else was taken care of— even if it was in his own way.

It could vary from making sure everyone’s assignments were done in time to them eating enough and the really surprising one— comforting people.

And you could tell that he wasn’t completely comfortable or familiar with it but he tried his best when he needed to.

You had caught him many times in some corner trying to comfort some first year Slytherins a few days into the school year because they missed their parents and when he did see you, he’d give you a look of ‘this never happened’.

But being a mom wasn’t an easy job, there were times where’d they’d get angry because a kid had the great idea to draw on the walls instead of on the paper right beside them. And to say Draco fit that role perfectly was an understatement.

He once not only scolded Daphne for forgetting her sunscreen when you went on a trip to the beach but he also provided her a lengthy lecture on how she could’ve easily have gotten sunburned and we would’ve had to drive around with a flaky friend.

You couldn’t lie that it was amusing to see an adult get scolded by another adult like a five year old but to be on the receiving end didn’t sound too fun.

——

And you had to admit that sometimes you did miss that routine you had with your mom on early Sunday mornings.

She’d tell you to get the bucket of hair supplies and you’d take your place to sit in between her legs, allowing her to start combing and brushing your hair into whatever style she saw fit for the next few days.

The small conversations that were held between you and her weren’t important in any way— you couldn’t remember half of the words spoken now but it meant a lot to you in the sense that it was a calm- ish period for you and her to talk about mother and daughter things.

But every good thing just had to have a downside and this one was a shared experience amongst many people in your community.

Uncooperative hair.

And it seemed that you had one of the most. You tried, really, but you could never keep your head still or neck at a specific angle for too long, and that only led to hair tugging and you in almost tears.

And maybe thinking was a little flawed. But you were still scared that Draco would do just the same if you allowed him.

And that’s exactly what you voiced and of course, he said that wasn’t a good enough argument and continued to go on and on about all of the reasons you should let him and how it would have benefits for the both of you.

——

“You know, it would show how much I care,” he said, providing yet another reason as to why you should let him do it.

“You’re showing how much you care right now— I promise,” you assured, eyes skimming the bathroom to find the heated shower cap.

“But what if there’s a day where you’re too tired to do it and then I could do it all by myself?”

He was close to convincing you but he failed to remember the fact that there actually were days where you were too tired to do it but you still woke up very early just to do some style that you had set in your mind.

And even then, your eyes were barely opened so if you had to do it now, you would be too phased.

“What about our future kids? What’s supposed to happen when I have no idea how to do their hair?”

Kids. They weren’t something you actively talked about but it was for sure something you wanted to have in the future. And he was right, even if you didn’t want to admit it.

Even if the hair type that he had was far from many black people, it wouldn’t make sense for a child’s own father to not know the basic needs of their hair— including how to do it.

“Fine— but if I feel one tug I won’t hesitate to get up and leave,” you threatened, pointing a comb at him and playfully narrowing your eyes at him to add effect. He only snatched it out of your hand while smiling in success and happiness.

“You won’t regret it.”

Deja vu; it was the only term that could describe what you were feeling at this moment of finding yourself in between someone’s legs, waiting for them to do your hair.

And while Draco was a little clueless, it was cute. You really didn’t mean to laugh when asked what happened to one of the combs that were missing a third of its teeth, but the look of pure shock on his face was too funny for you to resist the laugh that bubbled out.

And telling the truth, the experience wasn’t half as bad as you expected it to be. There weren’t too many snags or tugs along the way or rough actions— it was calm and gentle. And having to assist him on what product to put on your hair and when to do it was rare.

It was heartwarming really, knowing that he had actually been paying attention when he’d sit there and watch you in the bathroom for an hour or so after your hair had been washed.

That he had been listening when you’d rant about how hard it was dealing with your hair and how it would never look the right way even though there is no right way for natural hair to look.

It was the pure knowledge that he actually meant the words he spoke to you that made you so happy; how he’d hold your face in both of his hands and tell how beautiful both you and your hair were and the only reason you should ever think about relaxing it was if you wanted to do it for yourself and not because it would be more accepted by judge full eyes.

It was nice to know that he wasn’t just saying those things because he felt some sort of obligation but that it came from the heart.

——

Nothing could’ve prepared you for what you were looking at now; not only did your hair look moisturized but the style had come out somewhat good.

You were a little surprised and Draco noticed that too. “You look surprised,” he pointed out in a smug tone, eyes finding their way to look into your wide ones through the mirror. “I’m not surprised, I'm just— how did you do so well?” You questioned, body turning to face his.

“Love don’t tell me you— Di- Did you really doubt me?” He gasped, dramatically placing his right hand over his heart to further feign his ‘hurt’.

“Okay, I did doubt you in—”

gasp

“In the beginning, but now that I actually saw how you did, I regret it. And thank you for being willing to learn,” you continued, this time not getting interrupted by his dramatics.

“It was the least I could do for you,” he assured, leaning down to press a quick kiss to your cheek. “Me and your mum weren’t talking about your abnormally sized head for nothing.”

“Hey! My head is a perfectly normal size.”

“Yeah alright,” he said unconvinced, cracking his knuckles and shaking his hand. “My hands had to pay the price too.”

“You're an idiot Draco—”

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butchbarneygumble · 3 years

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Got tagged by @lucky-lacmac ! I always grasp the chance to talk about my comfort characters so HERE GO They vary depending on hyperfixations so I'm going with what comes to mind rn and thus they're not numbered wheeeeeee Prohyas Warrior (Mighty Magiswords)

I just. I was just smitten by this guy from day one. I was in Florida, caught the first episode on TV. Wasn't too enticed by the show yet, but soon found myself dreaming of the characters. Gave it more of a chance when I was back home, and eventually got way too into it and it moved from Background Noise to Hell Yeah I Love You!!!! The show in general brings me so much joy but something about Accordion Man just... speaks to me. He insist he's manly and has a killer bod, but he's also openly fond of cute things like dolphins and lil bugs and is super motherly. I just love when characters defy gender expectations. And I love his design, his attitude, his voice, the sense of humour he brings, and that hair, man. That hair Sends Me. He's probably one of the reasons I dyed my hair blue.... not to mention both he and Vambre are just unapologetic manchildren who just try to have fun with their job and adult life. I really relate to that and wish CN would do more cartoons about that. I'm tired of children protags jhckgfgs

honestly every character in this show gets comfort character vibes from me (just please give vambre a break with the hornyposting she deserves so much more) and the fact it has like no fandom at all is criminal

Conker (Conker's Bad Fur Day)

Imagine if you will, I was 6 years old or so when Bad Fur Day released. I had no knowledge of it until my dad bought it for himself from the bargain bin in a local Intertoys that is now gone. Playing it through a bit (sneakily) my mom caught me JUST at the moment he threw up during the opening cutscene. I cried out of secondhand embarrassed, mom consoled me and it went into storage until I was 13 Then I found footage of the Great Mighty Poo on Youtube and snuck in that damn game again. Now, I had actual knowledge of English and as a teenager, the concept of an adult game was just very exciting. I fell in love with Conker, but in a different way a lot of people do. I see him as a normal guy who's just having a really weird day and his greed ruins his life. It's poetic, and I want to hug him a lot. But also slap him for being a little shit. He was there for me in my strange teenhood, when I was exploring adult subjects when I probably shouldn't, but it's been good all the way through. Probably my gateway into the furry fandom as well. As an adult I find myself enjoying the non-edgy stuff more - and it reflects in the fan material I produce of Conker. He is still very important to me and I love him a lot.

Barley Lightfoot (Onward)

Rarely was there ever a character I could point at and be like "me." Girls in animation were always just... There, or very girly to a point I couldn't see myself in there. Surprise, surprise, Renée, you're not even a girl!!! Barley is one of those characters that I saw myself in. I do not have a sibling, but sometimes do wish I had one - and live vigorously throughout media portrayals of them. He is me as my best self - supportive, loud, clumsy, outwardly scary but otherwise just trying to do the right thing. He's one of those "Do I want to date you or do I want your gender" types. Ian is a good boy too ofc, but Barley to me is especially personal. His choice of fashion and body shape, right down to his big jawline, I feel mirrors myself. However, where both Lightfoot bros shine is that I share the experience of having "half a dad".

When Barley and Ian were going through the underground river and he was talking about the last memory of his dad, I saw me. I cried buckets. My dad was diagnosed with ALS somewhere around when I first read about Onward's development, and when I saw it with him he was already paralyzed and wheelchair-bound. He was smiling all the way through. Fergy Fudgehog (Viva Piñata)

Lilshit. Absolute trash animal. Why do I love you so much? I dunno. He's kind of awful. Whereas originally characterized as a scaredy-cat who hated the idea of parties, he eventually got flanderized into a nasty little so-and-so who would sell his own adoptive brother if it meant he could get a snack out of it. When he's not that, he's a whiny manchild. Yet he entices me. His colour pattern, and my fondness for hedgehogs... him making weird noises a lot. I like him enough to have had a role play account for him for a while that's still around!! Sometimes you don't know why you like a character and that's okay.

Luigi (Super Mario Bros) Mario (Super Mario Bros)

When I was 12 I first got into Mario. And I don't mean playing the games and enjoying them, but actively into the characters, lore, and stories... for as much as you can say Mario has story. Mario and Luigi are just such pleasant looking characters. They shouldn't be cute but they are. They were my first crushes and recently I've gotten back into it and I'm just here for it. Mario and Luigi are cute and I should say it!!!!!I legit find them attractive, physically and mentally. Also shipping Luigi with Peasley gives me happiness and I hate teenage me for having bad taste and hating it.

Donkey Kong Diddy Kong Dixie Kong

Donkey Kong is the Absolute, the Eternal. He has always been there in my life, and so have his games. Something about that ape makes me feel comfortable and happy and I just want to hug him. I love the lore of the games, the aesthetics - toony-yet-realistic, and it influenced the HELL out of my own art style. Donkey Kong is just a Cool Soft Gorilla who WILL kick ass. Diddy and Dixie were also super influentual to me. DKC2 is one of my most favourite video games, starring two of my most favourite characters, and my favourite aesthetic... though, in a fun case of chicken-and-egg situation, I dunno if my love for pirates came from DKC2 or other way around. Lars Barriga (Steven Universe)

Babby's First Gender Envy When Lars' entire arc happened, I was in college, constantly trying to discover myself. I enjoyed the character before the arc but the arc just elevated my love for him to the stars. He's just a fella, so nervous about what other people think about him... later in the show you get an insight on why he's like that. Then, he's dragged to space, forced to confront his emotional constipation, Fuckin Dies trying to save his new friends, and is brought back to life as a badass pink space zombie. Something about that just vibed with me super strongly. And how Steven always saw the good in him even if he bullied him. I love him so much. I love them both. That's the main ones! I tag whomever wants to do this I'm bad at tagging jdkfghjd

#tag game #long post #comfort characters

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imagining-in-the-margins · 3 years

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TB&TB Anon Asks 🐇

- are caught up now! I think?

1. You make me so happy! I'm not sure when TB&TB will come back right now. I was originally only planning a month, but I've had a really rough couple of weeks, so it might be longer. I'm expecting pretty bad news to come in the next few weeks, so I can't make any promises right now. I'll let you know once I decide!

2. God, I love The Fray, lol. I definitely immediately added that one as soon as I read this ask. I absolutely love that song, and you are very, very correct.

It's always have and never hold You've begun to feel like home yeah What's mine is yours to leave or take What's mine is yours to make your own

3. I love and appreciate you so much, friend! I adore you, as well. It's always hard when I feel like I need to remind people just how long I spend writing to get work out - but people like you make me feel so much better! Thank you for sending me your appreciation!!! It relieves so much stress every time!

4. Awwwe, thank you so much for thinking of me, friend! This message was so sweet, and I appreciate how hard it must've been for you to send. I know I always freak out thinking that I'm being weird or I'm gonna say something wrong (you did neither! You are wonderful).

Thank you for caring about what I have to say and wanting to share that happiness with me. I completely understand why people lurk, and I appreciate you even in your silence. That being said, if you talked with me, I would only ever enjoy that even more!

5. Ooh, I love disorganized hahaha. It's exactly how I think.

Tara is one of my favorite characters. I wish people wrote her more; she is absolutely lovely (and on the show longer than many other fan favorites outside of the core few).

I'm a firm believer in soulmates and love and I refuse to apologize for it! 😝

Also, thank you for quoting my work back at me (genuinely, it makes me so happy) and specifically the cheeky little "Tell me what I did." Bastard, lmao!

I love you!!! I hope you still have fun during the hiatus!

6. Ah, the farther I get from it, the more I love Chapter 18. It means a lot to me and it was very cathartic to write. It is hard to ask for things you know you need sometimes, huh? Especially when you feel so far gone.

Thank you for reading, for sending me such wonderful commentary, and for caring about me and my process at all! I am so thankful for each of you.

7. Never apologize for that! I love seeing mass notifications, lol. It makes me very happy. I always giggle about it.

8. Hahaha, I've been trying to force myself not to think of them so I can finally get some other stuff done, but it's been hard!

I also twitch my nose! I do mine a lot more like Matthew, though! It's such a cute visual, I definitely agree with you that she would do it.

9. I'm so glad to hear you think so! It's a pet peeve of mine (and has been since I was much younger) that popular myths about virginity are typically reflected in fanfiction. I want people to know that it doesn't always have to hurt (although you might be sore later), the hymen doesn't have to (and shouldn't) tear, and you should enjoy yourself!

As for protection, I don't like specifying because I know that people all use different types. I find it detracts from the story, and I hope that everyone who is reading my work (who should, I remind everyone, be over 18).

Nearly 90% of adult women not seeking to be pregnant are using some form of contraception. Bunny is, as well, I just couldn't find a moment to put in a scene for it. I do like to imagine her trying to hide when she's taking her pill or whatever, and he's just like "You know I know... right?"

#answer #answered #tbatb #tb&tb

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reluctant-fan-girl · 3 years

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My thoughts on 139 as an Ereri shipper

Buckle up for a long read and some unpopular opinions haha. Feel free to add on/ correct me but this is only how I feel so take it with a pinch of salt, I'm not asking anyone to change how they feel because we're all feeling some feels right now and your grief is valid. I just really wanna talk about the chapter before I go back to my Yaoi ship. (Forgive my grammar errors and all I wrote this at 5am and I'll probably come back and fix the spelling and stuff later today)

Thoughts on ch 139:

Well... here we are guys. The last chapter, it's been one hell of a ride and even though I have only been a part of the community for three years I'm still sad it ended. (Not to mention it finished 4 days before my birthday but that's just an extra oof) I keep seeing a lot of Mikasa hate and even though I used to despise her this chapter really got me thinking and damn, she's definitely one of the strongest characters (second to Levi at least in terms of resolve but hey I'm biased lol) she killed the person she loved, who pushed her away time and time again, and until the very end wanted to save him yet she was the one who ended it all. I doubt I could do that if my girlfriend was doing something similar... but I guess most people are like that. I admit, when I read the chapter at work I began crying in the break room, not because the ending caught me off guard, it was about what I was expecting, but I'm still sad Eren died. All this stuff was foreshadowed through especially the last few chapters and I kind of hopped into the manga around when Zeke blew Levi up, and even then... I feel like I knew this would be how it turned out some time last year? It was mostly predictable since this story, from it's inception, has done nothing but break the shonen stereotype time and time again and this was just the kind of ending that would shatter the mould and make it worthy of that moniker. Now am I happy that Eremika is canon? Not really, in fact not at all I'm mad. Although tbh it's not that I really expected a same sex, age gap relationship to be canon in mainstream manga, but this is what fan fiction is made for right? Besides as much as this manga has challenged or straight up ignored it's very obvious what the intended ship was going to be from the start. Even still the confession at the end by Eren is honestly OOC from most of everything else he's said/done and feels forced but, 🤷🏻‍♀️ like... the ending would have been better if Eren's feelings stayed vague so we could come to our own conclusion. If I had my way I'd have Eren confessing to Levi and they'd run off to live in secret but again... that isn't how it ended and I'm accepting that even if I don't like it. (Plus I can read/write a fanfic of a 'better' ending to make myself feel better) but I'm glad I stuck around for such a bitter sweet end.

Eren's character:

Now I love Eren as much as anyone else, but I see lots of people crying "character assassination" and I feel this personally isnt true at least not completely. We're all grieving right now and I know he was so cute and lovable at the start (hell in a way he still is) but this has always been his character. He is the one who most desperately yearns for freedom because feels trapped by his fate more than anyone else. The line "I felt like I had to and I let myself get caught up in the flow" is proof he *knows* he isn't free despite his father's reassurance, and his own repetition of the phrase. There's a common phenomenon with mantras or the practice of repeating something over and over in your head, the more you say it, *the less you believe it* and IMHO Eren never really felt free from the start. He knew his fate was sealed and he probably could have, no... *should* have acted differently yet he himself couldn't change what fate had in store. He just kept moving forward for no other reason than he wanted to save Mikasa, Armin, and his people. He (may have?) sacrificed Carla, not to serve as motivation, but so that he could save Armin later on by eating the Colossal titan instead of burning to death. It must have been a heart wrenching choice to make but he cares for his friends more than anyone else. He gave them a fighting chance and his death gave the alliance a good name so the world (or the 20% left of it) would see they aren't the same as him. Of course I'm thinking, "What if he had Dina free Carla or just let her eat Bert I mean Grisha probably would have passed on the Attack titan to Eren even if Carla had lived," but Armin very well could've died in another way or things could've turned out so much worse for everyone else. But even if Eren hates his choice I think something to note here is he doesn't seem to regret it, taking some of Levi's advice with him to the grave (quite literally) Plus you guys have to remember he died at 19 years old, that is *young* and I may only be a few years older but 18-21 is a huge period of change and you wont make the best choices, he's dealing with all that on top of the memories of the other titan holders, and the founding titan which I think really messed with him more than anything. He even says he only wants to live 10 more years ;-; the poor thing deserved a full life too even if his perception of time is warped and he never got a chance to become an adult.

The aftermath:

Well, everyone seems happy for the most part which is great! The one thing that I didn't expect was for the ending to be bitter sweet rather than total annihilation. Historia really does seem... fuck it I don't know and this is the part that bugs me most is she never really got the ending she deserved and felt kinda... forgotten? It's hard to tell but I think she ended up loving her child in the end... maybe... she's smiling while holding her... right? Levi is out beyond the walls and he may be wheelchair bound and half blind but he's still alive! Now this is honestly my saving grace here I mean god imagine him surviving a literal bomb only to die such a lame and pointless death in the last chapter. My boy made it through everything though and he's still got them dad vibes with Gabi and Falco which is kinds sweet... but I still hate Gabi. I still really hate Gabi, but it's nice to see that they're all somewhat okay. (Plus okay... Eren Canonically being reborn as a bird is kinda hilarious yet fitting since he got his freedom... Parasitic Jaeger haha good one Isayama.) Who knows if the war will ever end, heck Isayama himself said this is only the begining and while the fight goes on they have a chance thanks to Eren sacrificing himself the way he did. He could've made so many other choices and I don't know what could've/would've been better. Maybe Isayama knows but time travel and altering the past opens a whole ass can of worms that is just... like the killing your grandpa paradox kinda thing and if I were writing this story I wouldn't wanna try and deal with that either, especially after writing one story for eleven years.

(LEVI LIVED MY BEST BOI LIVED WHOOOO YESS 😭😭😭 ALL I COULD ASK FOR AHHH) *cough* sorry I had some crying fan girl in me that demanded to be seen too

Anyways this was just my thoughts for now, I may eventually write more and hell I'll probably go back to sweet sweet denial myself, posting contradictions because dammit I love my ereri too much and some people have good points or some posts are just funny in general. Have a good day, stay safe, and we are all in this together <3 Thanks for reading all the way if you did! (And here's a good meme to lighten the mood too)

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afoxysunny · 4 years

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Stephanie as Pitch Serval

Despite struggling over the lack of pink Kwami for her the choice ended up very easy as there was no way I'd have anybody else be Trixie's partner

Having come into Lazytown as a child just like the canon show states but during a school year this time she ends up as the main positive influence on the kids there without needing to call a sportself for help. Always being active with primarily dancing and loving to be surrounded by a big group of friends, she got the full extrovert experience

Here's some of the references i used or at least tried to use

In this version of events she is a very positive influence on the others while growing up just not to the extreme extend Sportacus is in the series

Look, i know the Miraculous Ring should be green but i couldn't brung myself to drop even more of the pink, I'm sorry

Design notes:

Pink + black - the only pink Miraculous we saw so far was the Pig but i really wanted to use the ones we already have canonically seen how they work in Miraculous Ladybug (and the pig just as well would've suited Stingy if i had included it). I think mostly black and pink highlights looks amazing on her and she just had to be part of the main duo

Tail and shoes - i was determined to base as much of her outfit in Dance as possible so she gets dancing shoes and sweatband like cuffs and most importantly her tail is made of this flowy fabric people dance with

Bell - it's the only detail i really solidly showed it on but i imagine all her metalic accessories to be rose gold for hopefully obvious reasons

Black Serval - in a lot of fanart i see of Stephanie she's depicted as a poc with various degrees of dark skin and that was one of the first things i knew i wanted to keep (at the very end of coloring her, for a second i was like is it racist to give the black cat miraculous to a person of color? And i have no idea, it definitely was not my intention, please tell me if it is offensive) Furthermore that gave me the opportunity to base her more on a Black Serval, a more and more common kind of wild cat found in africa. That's why her ears are a little rounded. It used to be believed that seeing a pitch black serval was like seeing a god of nature but they became a lot more common the last few years so i doubt that still holds up

Hair - yes her hair is still pink, probably as a civilian too but it gets wavy and gain black streaks when she transforms for the sole reason that i think it looks good with the wavy tail

Reasoning:

If tge colors wouldn't clash so badly she probably would've ended up as the ladybug as the Creation theme would've worked a lot better with her and Destruction with Trixie But i also think that's what makes them a great duo. In the show Miraculous Ladybug the duo of Ladybug and Chat Noir is really unbalanced in my opinion so i hope these two achieve that important dynamic a little more. Trixie was a lot more prone to mess things up out of desperation and forced habit while Stephanie always turned to making new things whenever the things around her didn't meet her standards; switching their go to solutions around makes them more codependent and careful with their new powers which works surprisingly well with what little overarching story i have in mind with

Story:

Waking up in a town suddenly devoid of all adults was a huge shock for the highly social girl. To keep moral up and worrying to a minimum she assembles her friends into a set group as soon as she comes across them. Unfortunately going out into a now ghostton where nobody knows who is left or why everyone is gone is a very scary plan, they don't know what hapoened and if it's dangerous or still around or anything! So they plan out to sleep over at each friend's house in turn to keeo each other company and use up as little supplies as possible all at once in each location.

When Trixie finally meets up with them she of cause invites her to join the group after apologizing for not looking for her but nobody knew where she lives and going out to search the whole town for someone who may or may not still be around seemed too dangerous in their uncertain situation. Trixie seems happy to be invited but then never joins them which worries Stephanie. That being the moment her friend shows up in a strange ladybug costume and gives her a box with a ring in it.

Being told that with it she'd gain the power to help find the town's people and a very brief overview she then is left alone to make this important decision. "I know it's really not your color, Pinky, and it sounds crazy so please have a good long think about joining" sure are strange words to hear from Trixie and then be repeated by a flying black cat who calls himself Plagg.

The decision is made very quickly though, of cause she wants to be able to help! The wish to find the others and protect who is left comes second nature to her.

Name:

Pitch Serval sounds a little weird and because i need to roast my own work and also like irony i have this scene somewhat in mind where Lucky Bug sees her for the first time and wants to call her Pinky in her surprise but gets cut off. Stephanie corrects her from the started Pi- for Pinky to Pitch, Pitch Serval! For Pitch as in pitch black but also pitch as in music and Serval for before mentioned folklore like reasons instead of going for black-cats-bring-bad-luck bullshit. Also Trixie says it sounds like a stripper name because, again, i need to roast my own work at least a little and i feel least confident in the names i chose

Thank you so so much for your attention, i can't believe you read all this! You're amazing! Even if you read just parts of it - amazing!

#Lazytown #miraculous ladybug #Lazytown au #Muraculous Lazybug #stephanie meanswell #stephanie lazytown #Plagg #revive the lazy

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24hourdinerandotherhorrorstories · 4 years

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The Letter Forever Remembered

Dear (name is smudged out),

My story is an odd one. Most would even consider me the bad guy along with my family in my story. However, at the end of the day I'm so happy with my family and with the love of my many lives. Yes, you read that right, I have lived many lives with the same memories and the same needs as the one before. Always hopping into some sad little child corpse and taking it over. Never quite mentally growing, always flipping between childlike and forcing myself to be an adult without understanding what it really meant to be an adult. It never got easier and it's not something you can just get used to especially when your mind is mostly feral from isolation. My mind was broken after so many jumps between bodies and people rarely take in children that are damaged. Sometimes my adopted parents were human and feared me to a certain extent but many times after they were not and didn't fear me enough. However, they found me, the dark followers, they saw what I was and gave me a proper caregiver. I called her Mother, for she was the only one I ever considered true family.

Most humans around her couldn't understand why she would adopt and foster damaged children when she could have her own. But she always looked at us with happiness and pride. She told them we were children of her soul and called to her like no other, how could she deny that call? People would go quiet after that, mostly at how intense she was about us. She was patient with her broken children and we saw her as a divine being finally delivering us the peace we so desperately craved. We as her children could never quite figure out if she was human or something more, much like the dark followers that visited our home while we grew up. Growing up in such a dark home had it's terrifying moments. Even for one such as I, who had seen so much, was scare of some of the things I saw. I do not know how to begin this part of my story but I will try.

The one moment, the one special thing that always pushed me to live through all these horrible lives was her. I met her in my third...or was it fifth life and she was my everything. She was my soulmate, my twin flame, my sanity and the sweet love of my lives. Every life I met her, I would able to breath again. It was both a blessing so grand it brought me to tears but a curse so foul that physical torture would be better than the pain of seeing her die. She always dies before me in some horrific fashion. I would see the life leave her eyes as she told me she would find me again. She always did, no matter how much I hid, she would instantly grab me in a hug and happily say "where have you been hiding" before kissing me like she couldn't get enough of me. She never blamed me for her deaths, I sometimes wished she did. We both know our relationship was cursed to fall before her 30th year. Someone or something would tempt a friend or sibling into a jealous rage and they would kill her. It was just how it was, no matter how much we protected ourselves, she always died as blood would cover the ground while I wailed into an unseeing void. So it was a painful surprise when mom came in one day, with my love gripping her hand tightly. She looked so small then in her child body but her eyes shown with dark humor at her situation before she tackled me to the floor. Only words leaving her as we hugged were "going through puberty again and remembering, is going to suck".

Things were great at first. We did everything together and slowly relearned our love for each other from friendship to a romantic relationship. We got into a lot of mischief which led us into many punishments and awkward situations. Mother grin at every moment of it and was happy for us. I couldn't have loved my mother more in those moments. But something started hovering over us when we turn 21. Mother started getting more protective of us and my siblings. Mother's eldest children were always seen coming and going rapidly through the week. Some of her eldest children seemed to grow more and more vicious as they stole money from the house. The dark followers would yank them away from us when we would work outside in the garden, speaking in harsh voices as they went into the house. Mother's face was constantly forced into a frown as her eyes showed deep sadness and disappointment. It was odd to my slightly fractured mind how mother could raise such horrid people. But my soulmate always told me "you can't blame everything on the parent for how their child turns out, sometimes things are just outside of the parents control."

When we turned 30, my soulmate was brutally tortured and murder by some of Mother's eldest children. The pain of feeling her life slip away all over again was excruciating because she thought this was going to finally be our happy ending. She strokes my cheek as she choked on her blood, her body was carved up in symbols. The carvings were so deep that I could spot her bones underneath, not that she had much weight on her in that moment. Something in me broke completely at seeing her that way. I'm not proud of what I did but damn did i enjoy it. The dark followers and Mother brought them to me, passed out and threw them at my feet. I looked up in surprise mostly because these were her children. Mother gave me a dark look full of hatred as she said they weren't her children but they are your blessings. I didn't understand completely what she meant but I also didn't care.... I enjoyed smashing their heads under my foot, I enjoyed ripping each and every bone from their screaming bodies before looking into their eyes as they breath their last breath. I painted the walls in there blood as Mother watched with a sad smile. I destroyed them through the night as I couldn't be bother to shift back to my human form. At this point I was just a feral beast mourning their soulmate. I passed out as the sun greeted the day, in a pile of bodies and broken furniture.

I didn't talk for years after that day. I hid away with Mother, only working around the house but remaining unseen. I couldn't look my siblings in the eyes after everything even if they understood. They gave me the space I needed but always left me gifts or snack with little notes attached about how they were doing and how much they loved me. I cried so much those years, I couldn't even pull my self out of my isolation to greet my nieces and nephews. Everyday it took longer and longer to change into my human form and even harder to hold together. This time it felt like I lost far more than I ever imagined.

When I was 40, Mother said it was time to finally get my blessings. I still didn't know what she meant so I just shook my head and curls up in my bed and wrapped my wings around me. Mother wouldn't take no for an answer and lifted me out of my bed. I panicked because Mother was never forceful with me even after everything. I couldn't stop the panic attack that invade my mind and didn't hear my mother trying her hardest to calm me while I screamed then everything went black. I awoke in a soft bed with silk sheets, clothes set out to be worn and robes hanging behind the door. Mother was sitting in the chair near the bed I was in, her eyes were closed but she was not resting. I whimpered because I thought I was finally being punished for everything that happened but Mother just pulled me to my feet, told me to get cleaned up and dressed. I obediently did as I was told and even made sure to groom my damaged wings. Wings that I had to grow back after in a moment of weakness and too many bottles of the strongest alcohol I could find.

She put a blindfold over my eyes and held my furred hand as she led me around. I had no clue where I was or who was there, the scents were so new that it felt like the place popped up overnight. When we came to a stop, I tensed at the one familiar scent. I started crying, sobbing at what mother was doing to me. I couldn't understand why she was punishing me this way before gently hands removed my blindfold. I gave a shaky gasp at the sight before me. It was a my beautiful ethereal soulmate, the love of my many lives, right there in the flesh, with tears of happiness in her eyes. Her eyes are what threw me off, they were a misty green color which was a contrast to her deep brown almost black eyes of before. I flinched at the voice that spoke to everyone in the room. My soulmate held me close as the being spoke. The being was named by the dark followers as The Guardian. I thought it was a myth of some crazed but loving cult. I was terrifyingly wrong, this creature was all consume like the void given form. They spoke about my pain and how my family step in to bring me peace. They told me the woman at my side was my soulmate brought back from death through a union of souls. The union was so deep that no matter the situation neither will pass on until they chose to and that they will never feel the pain of heartbreak ever again. I though I would pass out at the amount of information being thrown at me by the being holding my future. I shakily asked what the catch was and they grinned back along with the woman and teen at their side. The smiles should have been horrifying but all I could do was calm down and give a small smile back.

After the events of that day and getting my love back, things have been great. I still have a lot of setbacks but The Guardian and Mother found me a great therapist who also happened to be the same breed of creature I am! I'm still growing as a person in many ways even if I feel older than the trees in my front yard. The pain still comes back from time to time but my family takes care of me well and I'm really and genuinely happy for once in a long time. I guess this is my first and last letter to you but I just wanted to thank you for stepping in when you did and bringing me to Mother so many decades ago. I know you paid a price to force me into this life as a way to give me happiness. I hope to one day see you again my very first father and I love you even if I do not know you.

Sincerely your beloved daughter,

Akasha Dawnshard

#the 24 hour dinner

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