envy - crow ficlet

the one thing crow wasn't expecting is envy.

he barely notices it at first; shame and guilt wash against the shores of his mind, wave after wave, tasting like gunpowder, metal and salt and overwhelming everything else. memories bubble to the surface, echoes of words said in his own voice, eyes - blue, resigned, then orange, almost golden, and furious - and the tiny speck of envy winks out, buried beneath all the grief.

but it is there, skirting at the edges of his consciousness, biding its time until he has gorged himself on guilt. its very existence catches him off-guard, jolts him from his stupor and is swiftly put aside, over and over again - because how dare he? - but here, in front of cayde-6's memorial, he can't deny it anymore.

he is envious of a dead man.

he is envious of a dead man he murdered.

(not me, comes the feeble retort, easily dismissed.)

crow tries to conjure an image of the hunter vanguard in his mind. uldren's memories surface, unbidden, but he ignores them; the cayde-6 he seeks is not to be found through uldren's eyes, but in the reticence that colors ikora's expression when she thinks he is not paying attention, the barely-there extra second zavala takes to look in his direction, the brief (painful, horrifying, frightening) hesitation he sometimes catches in the guardian's orange eyes... and in the absence echoing through the tower even now, years and years later. this cayde-6 is easy to imagine, but the process is no less harrowing.

how did it feel, he wonders, to be so loved in life that death wasn't enough for it to be the end? to have it linger with such intensity that, even changed into hatred and grief, it just won't fade away? the many deaths on the tangled shore, the whispered insults, the invisible wall he simply can't break - context doesn't absolve them, but he can see - and feel - the wound now, in all its angry, jagged glory.

he almost misses the mask.

(uldren sov was loved too. the very thought sends his heart into a frenzy; is this panic, disgust... or something different? half-forgotten faces flash in his mind, laughing, touching him, bringing him close... but it's not him.

he pushes them aside. he will not envy a monster.)

he has no right to feel this way. the shame it brings is of a different shade, one all his own, and all the more bitter for it. and yet... he can't quite ignore the curiosity, the want that burrows deep below his skin. he can't look away.

the sun sets, the chatter of the tower quietens, the city below comes alive with light. still, he wonders, yearning a gnawing pit at the bottom of his stomach that won't fade, a wound of his own he can't help but prod at, uncaring for its scarring.

glint compiles beside him when the stars come out, shell twitching and worry running down their link in a faint hum. crow moves easily, automatically, a reflex borne out of habit and companionship, and soon the small ghost rests on his palm, close to his chest. his presence is warmth against the cold spreading inside his rib cage, melting away its sharpness. crow takes in a deep, long breath - it doesn't hurt as much, now.

glint watches him, but doesn't say anything, and after a moment of contemplation neither does crow. he knows what the ghost means.

he tears his eyes away from cayde-6's memorial for the first time in hours.

maybe he doesn't need to wonder.

So Id like to mention that COVID19 has put a lot of things into perspective.

My industry of experiential marketing was literally one of the first to go about a week ago when stores began banning all live demonstrations. I work in the natural and organic food industry doing live events and cooking recipes on site to sample brands to customers at grocery retailers.And because sampling tables are good places to spread germs, my demos all immediately came to a stop. I'm also an in home, private Music Teacher to kids of various ages and needless to say if schools' on hold, so is teaching. and so is income. My Venmo is :ABBlas22

Which sucks, a lot because the majority of my work is independent contractor based. . . .and there's no health care, paid leave, unemployment, or sick time. Why do I still do it? Because I love the industry, the opportunities it affords me, and the pay is solid. Except come tax season. The Government likes to fuck you if you work for yourself. . . .even tho I pay for all my own equipment and car repairs to get me from job to job. My Venmo is ABBlas22

However, amid the panic, I havent felt this calm in years. The constant anxiety and pressure of having to make money and go to work and be on time and make my schedule and drive from this city to that city for this demo and that demo, has subsided. I finally wake up and I'm not staring at the clock counting down how long before I have to leave which triggers an anxiety fest about leaving my dogs home alone because my one dog has such severe separation anxiety she destroys her crate, escapes, and then ruins the house(we are actively working on it) . . .so I'm up early and nervous about, "ok I have three hours I have to walk the dogs for at least one of those hours, feed them, get dressed, brush teeth, try to eat, clean the house, stuff their Kongs, make sure I have everything I need, and then try to sneak out before the dog starts freaking out." followed by "did I book enough demos this week, if I have to execute 16 for the month where can I put another demo, should I give myself a day off? nah, i need the money, let me check my Google calendar for the 65th time this morning and stare at all the blank dates I should be booking demos instead of doing anything else because no matter how much I work, it is never enough. So I spend an hour worrying about plunging my family into financial ruin. . . . better get online and start digging thru emails and brand Ambassador groups to make sure I've got enough work. Oh what's that? the sound of my entire family and partner telling me to get a *regular* job even though the idea of punching a clock and working for someone else makes me physically sick. . but I go and do it anyway because its a W2 position so you think well maybe I'll get health benefits at least and then come to find out that this bullshit retail job doesn't give part timers benefits of any kind, but I keep the job anyway because everyone said a normal job was best, but it pays $6 less an hour than my demo gigs and is a total waste of my skills and professional experience and eventually is cutting into my income because its taking up so many weekly hours but pays significantly less that I start calling out to go do demos instead and then the same people who were like "get a regular job" turn around and go "no, not That job, try This job."

and I'm over here ready to fucking scream because I've Been very clear about wanting to be in business for myself. I have tried many things, including testing an extremely beta version of what eventually became Uber Eats. . . I could be a millionaire but my parents thought it was a stupid idea and once I used up my resources trying to drum up business, that was it.

also, this is the worst part about being a millennial. I went to college for music because they said be anything and follow your dreams . . .but then I graduated into recession (2006) and got the first job I could,at a deli, which . . . .isn't exactly a degree holding position. For years we said,"I'm just grateful I Have a Job right now." and we got bitter, broke, and depressed as a generation. We're in our 30's now and it's just as bleak an outlook for our generational future. At least until the boomers die out and free up some of that wealth, if they don't all leave it to the cat and state first just to spite us.

So yea, people are freaked out with COVID19 but for the first time, I dont feel pressure or anxiety to rush out the house or make money because everything got cancelled. All I want to do is work super hard on my own online store via Shopify and grow from there. I love to work and I love the discipline of hard work. I would rather spend 18 hours in a day working on my own business and hustling my ass off to make it work using over a decade of marketing and sales experience to promote my brand for once.

But that's hard to invest time and money when I live paycheck to paycheck and have a partner and fur babies who depend on me. Everytime I excitedly talk about dropshipping through shopify and all my plans for it, it's met with a nervous "I believe in you but dont fuck us financially." "I believe in you but doesn't that take time." "I believe in you but why don't you just work here, they pay decent."

I love that the #Coronavirus hit and suddenly human rights are easy to hand out. I love that Coronavirus got us to halt economies on a scale so massive that will actually help us fight climate change. Capitalism has destroyed our planet and our species.

I want to always remind everyone that we are a species first. Not countrymen, not race, not religion. . . we are all dancing flesh bags, given different corporeal conduits with which to experience life and then later compare notes with one another.

"What's life like in that short skin suit?"

"Not bad but I can't reach anything."

"Good thing I got one of these tall skin suits." *grabs top shelf items*

"Thanks!"

It's to help us come together, understand similarities thru differences and use them to gain new perspectives while helping our species and our planet thrive.

This insane notion that everyone needs to have a job needs to go. Our species was Not made to do slave labor all day long for an invented wage that keeps us stuck fighting for basic survival when we have the potential to completely alter our lives.

The Earth is a hostage who's not allowed to feed her own kids. They locked up every fruit bearing tree, enslaved every animal, poisoned the soil, polluted the water and then held your life at gunpoint and demand you hand over hours of your life to work that does a disservice to your potential for greatness just for a chance to get a taste of what should be your birthright.

Basic needs of survival that all humans will die without shouldn't be prizes for who can work themselves to death the fastest.

Im using this time as an opportunity and am taking what little resources I have to work on my online store and sell off and flip what I can to make start up money on Ebay. (I dont even have WiFi and my apartment complex has locked the business center for CoronaVirus) . Using my phone for everything is really fucking tedious, especially because I've had it for 4 years and it doesn't always cooperate, but I'm grateful I even have one to use. If you want to invest in me, even just $5 I will 100% be using it to get a business off the ground. I've got most of the basic work done and market research, but with no income I cant even afford the basic Shopify plan at $30 a month, I'm hoping they pass a moratorium on evictions because how do I pay rent with no job to go to!?

My Venmo is : ABBlas22 and I do reward!