"I WAS JUST KIDDING ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND BEING A WHORE!!"
-Kurt Kelly in 'Our Love Is God', Heathers (West Side Ver).
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ive talked in the past about keroro's desire to keep things as they are, static, because it's the only way he can have both keron and earth, but while rewatching ep140b I realized it shows the opposite side of this struggle
that no matter his efforts, it's a futile attempt and nothing is improving because everything is staying exactly the same. he spent a week racking his brain for a solution but the episode ends by showing us that he doesn't find one. could it be because the whole time he was fighting alone?
(his voice breaks in the first screenshot...) this to me feels like the same motivation he would have for invading. wanting to leave a mark, making something of yourself, mattering.
chibikero is in shadow, like the gunpla's shadow. he's not real anymore but he represents all the expectations and lost potential on his shoulders. while the small gunpla is in light like keroro. that's the reality of it. but that's also how he feels. small. he hasn't achieved any of his goals. he hasn't lived up to anything he said he would, everything he based his identity on. he's a "pitiful invader". his desire to matter perfectly encapsulates his abandonment issues too.
this collection will outlive him. it will speak of his greatness when he's gone. it's as much his identity as the invasion. it's also his tomb in the exact same way.
he's so happy for a moment organizing his whole collection on the shelves that he thought were gonna solve everything, enjoying the moment as it was, but in the end nothing changed.
is it because he's expendable? easily replaceable, like by a clone? is it because he doesn't see his own worth, so he has to get some (the keron star, his collection, the invasion)? because if he's not useful, he'll be thrown out? or because he doesn't want to be forgotten and left behind?
and yet
he remains insignificant and his fight is fruitless.
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Something that makes reading TOA so devastating is how fucking much Apollo feels about Everything. There’s so MUCH. Like I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t read the books yourself. He has so many complicated thoughts and emotions about just about everything and he cares about everything so much and there is just SO MUCH going on in his head. And yet none of it ever reaches his mouth!!
He almost never says what he’s feeling. What little comes out of his mouth about his thoughts barely even scratches the surface of what he actually means. Like he’ll be having a long ass monologue about how incredible someone is, showing a deep understanding of them as a person and empathizing with them so hard you’d almost think it’s projection but it’s not he’s legitimately just mind melding with this random person he met like a week ago and he’s thinking the softest, kindest thoughts about them like he knows they’re fucking incredible - and what comes out of his mouth is just like, “you’re a wonderful friend :)” AND ITS LIKE. THERES SO MUCH MORE UNDER THE SURFACE. the sheer admiration and adoration he has for everyone around him……… UGHHH!!! But he never VOICES ANY OF IT!!!!!! He never tells anyone about what Zeus did to him……. He never tells anyone except the reader about his realization that Zeus is abusive…. He never even tells commodus about how much he adored him, not then and not now… he refuses to tell anyone when he’s in pain or tries to justify the things he does when he actually had Decent Reasons for why he did something… I’m. I’M. AUGH. AHHHHH
HE DOESN’T EVEN TELL US ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS IS THE THING. THERES EVEN MORE THAT HE IS NOT TELLING US!!!!! THE FUCKING OCEAN OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS HE HAS ABOUT EVERYTHING IS THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION. I AM IN DISTRESS.
And YET…. Even what slips out of his mouth is so fucking devastating it is SO devastating. He’s so fucking kind and gentle with Harley and Meg and and other younger Demis and his kids… he’ll act like an obstinate idiot and then turn around say something that drags the core of the person he’s talking to into the light like nail on the fucking HEAD like he reached into their soul and gave them the words to express something that they were struggling to say aloud or that they didn’t even realize about themself. Around the 2nd book he starts putting voice to some of his feelings and thoughts about others and even that tiny fucking sliver is overwhelming to the people he’s talking to bc he’s SO. AUGHHHH
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not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!
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Sometimes i can't help but feel, that everytime i go sober, that my depression physically manifests itself in my stomach. It's like all my sadness and woes just get pushed forward, and so much harder to ignore. And then that anger becomes very real, just burning in my stomach
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