#i ask about their favorite suicide method and they get offended??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nagito-kissmaeda · 3 years

Text

Yandere Komaeda Headcanons submitted by Chaos under the cut (y) Warnings: Slight nsfw, yandere behavior, stalking, mention of suicide, masturbation (not very explicit.)

Yandere Nagito probably wasn't very Yandere before you came along. The unlucky boy was probably still the funky little creep to his classmates as always but as soon as you step through the doorway of 77-B's classroom then he kind of just thought, "Oh, they're pretty." And continued with his day. He didn't think too much of you.

If you were an ultimate who walked into the classroom, he wouldn't have thought much of it besides the idea that "YoU wErE sPrEaDiNg HoPe 😩"

If you were a reserve course student, on the other hand, he would think he is slightly superior. So, if you talk to him he'll feel like he's better than you but won't say anything except under certain circumstances (ex: You ask him for his opinion of you, his opinion on reserve course, that kind of stuff. At least, he's honest :/) But keep in mind, he only really acts like this when you two first meet.

After getting to form a friendship with you (however that happened, I'll leave that up to you), his crush on you takes shape quickly.

He mostly just did small stuff that made it obvious that he liked you (whether he realized it or not.) If you weren't around he'd be asking everyone in sight if they knew where you were. He'd linger uncomfortably close to you whenever you two were together. The unlucky boy also tended to...✨follow✨ you.

Bestie, run while you still can 🏃‍♀️💨 because after he kidnaps you you're gonna be more like ♿

(I guess that's assuming you can run at all...sorry if I offended someone ._.)

When you two are hanging out, he eventually opens up to you about his illnesses and past. All of what he told you would probably be a lot to process so the only thing you can think of besides, "I'm so sorry that happened to you," is that you just hug him. Now he's shocked. You're both shocked. wOAH! Nagito doesn't move at all during the hug and probably forgot to breathe because c'mon...homie hasn't received any form of physical affection for God knows how long. He's drawing a total blank and the first words that spring to his mind are, "I'm going to marry them."

You cannot tell me this man doesn't want to get married one day. Yes, his luck sucks fat juicy butt but it's just something he craves and can be selfish about. Nagito's opinion on his want for having a spouse goes back and forth, like how the fitness gram pacer test works (I bet some of you don't even know that this is something outside of a meme lol.) He probably got this desire from seeing how bad his parents' relationship was.

Nerdy headcanon stuff you don't have to read: So, it isn't canon that his parents had a bad relationship but I imagine that they did because Nagito mentions that his mom had never complimented him and he gained a massive inheritance after his family's death. Let me explain my logic on those. Nagito's mom probably never complimented him because she didn't like or want him. I also headcanon that his parents were in an arranged marriage which is why they were so rich and why I think they had a bad relationship, because let's be honest, not all arranged couples are comfortable with one another. The arranged marriage also could've been the reason why his family was wealthy, it could have had to do with business and work. So to wrap it all up, Nagito's parents are rich because of an arranged marriage and they don't really like each other and they had a kid that neither of them wanted so now it's a broken family with a fucked up kid. I know that sounds like a stretch but that's why it's a headcanon and not actually canon lol.

After that one hug, that's when he truly sees you as some sort of ethereal Deity that he was sure he was going to wed in the future (Hell, he'd probably settle for right there, right now.) He no longer cared if you were an ultimate or not because now he saw you as something even greater. Of course, he still views himself as scum but even scum has desires that they are willing to do anything for.

After Nagito had come back to his dorm, the realization hit him that if he was going to marry you, he would have to be worthy of your hand in marriage. So, he prepares. By that I mean he starts stalking you a lot.

You two were already friends on social media so you probably didn’t dwell too much on it when you found him accidentally liking old posts. He’d go on your socials and scroll through it looking for every little bit of information he could find on you. Sometimes he'd strike gold and other times he'd dig up dirt. Nagito began talking to you a lot more so he could gain some information on your likes and dislikes. You only assumed that he was more comfortable with talking to you now because he confided his troubles in you but in reality he was planning your future life with him. Once in a while you'd invite to your dorm whether it was for hangouts, study sessions, or just sleepovers (he absolutely LOVED it when you brought those up.) The only opening he had to steal stuff is when you went to the bathroom and when that happened all he'd do every single time is go to the closet, grab another one of the pillow cases that the dorm provides, and switch them out with your current ones. When the pillowcase stops smelling like you then he just sticks it in the school's laundry basket where things like bed sheets, pillow cases, and blankets that belong to the school go.

After weeks after weeks of obtaining bits and pieces of information on you such as food you like and dislike, what your family is like (If you/your oc has one), your favorite movies, music genres, and clothing, etc., He eventually realized that he lacked three more things. Romance, experience, and…"performance."

The one thing he absolutely needed to learn first was "How to kiss." Even though no one sees his search history besides him, it was still very embarrassing to put those words on his computer. He typed those three letters into the google machine and ta-da! A wikihow page and a YouTube video were apparently his best options. He opted for the latter and watched as a lady and her boyfriend demonstrated how to perform different types of kisses. Intimate and sexual. He feels awkward just watching this and he feels like he should practice but...on what? Luckily for him, there is a perfectly good pillow lying on his bed.

...This was definitely weird. His chapped lips were pressed against the plush pillow as he imagined he was french kissing you. This doesn't seem like the greatest method but Nagito doesn't seem to have any other choice.

The pillow in front of me was wrinkled and slightly wet from where I had last kissed it. It felt beyond awkward to kiss a pillow and imagine it was your future partner. I couldn't imagine them walking in on me as my face was buried in a pillow while moaning out muffled noises. It would be far too embarrassing but, I've faced worse. Practice should continue or else my mouth will never come as even a fraction of pleasure to my love. I approach the pillow and lay, stomach down, on my bed again. While this has been an awkward situation, my insides are starting to feel like they're on fire! It's probably just the thought of Y/N floating around in my brain. I take a deep breath before cupping my hands at the corners of the pillow and diving my mouth towards the pillow once more. I start off with a short kiss but continuously start moving my lips against, what I imagine to be, their lips. I move my bottom lip more often than my top. Imagining I'm trapping their lips against mine. Just the thought of trapping them makes me grind my hips against the mattress a little. Even though I'm soft I still let out a little whimper. Does Y/N even like it when their partner makes noise? I wasn't able to find any information on what she likes in bed so...with my luck, I'll just leave it to chance. My kisses get more sloppy and desperate. I begin swiping and swirling my tongue against the pillow thinking about just what it might feel like to make out with them. Their hot, wet mouth pressing up against mine while our tongues rub against one another in an attempt to touch each other. I moan seemingly too loud at that thought and start humping the bed. Everything feels so hot.

Maybe combining kissing practice and "performance" practice would be a good idea.

Once he starts performance practice, his browser is constantly on sex related websites. But more on the education side...he wants to know how to make you feel good and how to make himself last longer. Once in a while, he does go on the hub though so he can pretend it's you and him having sex on the screen. He tries his best to look for ones where it sounds like you or looks like you. He prefers the ones where it sounds like you so that way he could just close his eyes and imagine you and him are together.

Just a random bonus I thought I'd add in: He got a boner during class once and sat there for like ten minutes just waiting for it to go away. So he just ended up palming himself through his pants and struggled to not make any noise. He liked to imagine you were under the desk pressing your face against his clothed crotch and just rubbing your face around that area. Luckily, he came without letting a single noise slip past his lips. Unluckily, Nagito cums a lot. So everyone could see the enormous wet spot on the crotch of his pants when class was dismissed.

He happens to have a weird habit of doing domestic and soft things with a hint of creepy. For example, one of his favorite things to do as of recently is print out a picture that has your face in it, tape it to his pillow, and fall asleep cuddling it. This sounds fine if you two were dating but… you aren't. He'll give it kisses, cuddle with it, fall asleep with it, and, of course, it's what he uses during his performance practice. He also enjoys eating meals with it and watching movies while cuddling it too. He perceives it all as practice for when you two are wed.

I'm going to assume you aren't an oblivious idiot and just say that you probably began to notice how weird he'd get around you. You tried distancing yourself a little bit but enough to still stay friends. He noticed the change in how often you'd hang out with him and his anxiety skyrocketed. Nagito would feel he had only a couple choices left. And that was to kidnap you, get rid of any obstacles that didn't allow him to spend every waking moment with you, or just flat out kill you so that way no one could have you. He already knew he wouldn't be able to even breathe without you so he'd likely kill himself as well in the process.

Author's Note: I'll probably be discontinuing that one Nagito x reader chapter 2 because I wasn't able to finish it before the school year started and I was just dissatisfied with the chapters BUT! I do have plenty of headcanons on yandere Komaeda! Message me if you want some far more nsfw headcanons because I have a lot for this guy. I'm also very open to crackfic oneshots.

#submission #/submitted

61 notes · View notes

aros001 · 3 years

Text

Read through light novel vol. 3. Random thoughts.

It's a weird thought to have to hope that this fantasy world has access to some form of abortion, be it a practical method or a magical one. I'm sure the various religious beliefs of their world wouldn't normally approve but when it comes to pregnancy forced onto someone by goblins, I'd like to think they'd make an exception. The women have already been through enough, they don't need the additional trauma of having one of those things crawling out of their bodies. I'd heard a rumor that the Fighter committed suicide after giving birth to a goblin baby but I've also heard other people say that never happened. Obviously I'd hope for the latter.

“...Hey, uh, Goblin Slayer... It kind of kills me to ask you this, but...” Female Knight gulped, and this seemed to embarrass her afresh as she flushed red. “If I... If I wear something like that, do you think it’d get his attention...?”

“I confess I must doubt the sanity of anyone who would ask me that question.”

There have already been plenty of funny moments throughout the other books but this volume is just really killing it so far. Goblin Slayer's personality and serious deadpan nature lends itself surprisingly well to comedy. It's a different style than the humor of, say, Konosuba, where plenty of the comedy is from these exaggerated characters interacting with their insane world. Here, the personalities are a lot more normal and realistic, which makes it really funny when they segway into non-serious topics like a festival, dates, battle bikini armor, or even bizarreness like Goblin Vampires.

There is something very amusing that the first meeting between Goblin Slayer and the Hero is her putting a sword to his throat. I'm a big fan of superheroes and it's not uncommon for crossover stories to begin almost exactly like that. The only thing missing was for the misunderstanding to lead to a fight before both realize they're both the good guy, but how it happened here fits a lot more with Goblin Slayer's mindset. Not offended or bothered in the least that Hero thought he was some kind of zombie and immediately acted with hostility, because he's very much a "better safe than sorry" kind of guy and probably would have done the same thing.

One of the reasons I liked Priestess the most out of the other characters in the anime, save for GS himself, was that she's the one who had the most interaction with Goblin Slayer and the most development alongside him. Their relationship was much more defined than his with the other characters and thus I was able to enjoy it more. That's why I like Cow Girl getting more of a spotlight on her date with Goblin Slayer here and the various conversations they have throughout the book. It helps me get to know her better and feel more invested in their relationship, romantic or otherwise.

It's probably because of his armor and the way he carries himself but I tend to forget Goblin Slayer isn't that old. He's only about twenty, which while still an adult isn't that old compared to a lot of the people around him. I think his age really hit me when I realized Guild Girl is older than him by about three years (they first met when he was 15 and she was 18). Just how the story writes what he's been doing ever since he became an adventurer and just the sheer horror we know the goblins are capable of makes it feel like he's been fighting them for far longer than five years.

So the rhea adventurer came back. Aaaand there he goes. When he was demoted in the anime I was afraid he was going to do something horrible in retaliation, like releasing goblins upon the town, or at least the Guild Girl. And my prediction was a little close to the truth. It's good writing that Goblin Slayer killing him (scaring the crap out of him first ("Is that so?" as he rises up from where he's supposed to be dead on the floor)) was actually relevant to the climax of the story. Almost everything that the story sets up always comes back into play later. Nothing feels like excess fat.

“Well, I mean... I guess...” But, blinking, Priestess concluded, “It was just my role in the plan.”

“You just don’t care with Orcbolg, do you? He could punch you in the face and you’d forgive him.”

“Ah— Ah, ha-ha-ha...”

If anyone even tried to punch Priestess in the face I'm pretty sure Goblin Slayer would break every bone in their hand. Even for as bloody and obsessive as he is, even if he could somehow tie it into killing goblins, it's hard to imagine him ever deliberately harming one of his own companions. Now, putting them in harm's way is a different story.

“I have taken your measure! You are no better than Ruby, the fifth rank. Or even Emerald, the sixth!”

“No,” Goblin Slayer said, shaking his head. “Try Obsidian.”

Goblin Slayer didn’t have it in him. But...

“O Earth Mother, abounding in mercy, grant your sacred light to we who are lost in darkness!”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I LOVE THESE TWO SO MUCH! THAT IS F**KING TRUST AND RESPECT!

I am going to miss Dark Elf though. It was nice for Goblin Slayer to face an antagonist who could talk and wasn't also just a powerful brute in single combat like the Ogre or Goblin Lord.

“The fragrant olives.”

“Yeah?”

“I researched them, but I don’t think they fit me.”

“Oh, no?” Cow Girl cocked her head, the wind picking up her hair. “I think I’d have to disagree...”

...

Those flowers represented four things: purity, humility, true love...and first love.

I think it fits perfectly.

I don't remember if it was before or after I'd started watching the anime but I remember reading about people online complaining how Goblin Slayer himself was a very bland and boring character. That's there's nothing to him beyond his obsession with killing goblins.

I'll admit, he's no Monkey D. Luffy; a character with such a bombastic and defined personality that you can instantly picture it in your head, or no Ainz Ooal Gown; a character whose true inner self that the audience can see is at such odds with the side that everyone else in the story sees. Goblin Slayer is definitely a much quieter and reserved character, but I don't think that makes him bland. His obsession with killing goblins is the skeleton of his character and a lot of good stuff has been built around that. He's overly serious. He's always picking up on weird, random knowledge. He's inventive.

One of my favorite aspects of Goblin Slayer's character is he feels like someone whose trauma and obsession stunted his emotional growth and now that he is connecting with people again he isn't really sure how to conduct himself. It lends itself to a lot of comedy as well as a lot of really sweet moments. When he hangs out with Priestess. Talking about making ice cream with his party. Buying the toy ring for Cow Girl. Parts of himself that don't involve killing goblins are being brought out by all these people he's found himself attached to and I think he doesn't know how to feel about it, because even he never thought there'd be anything to him other than killing goblins.

Original Reddit post: https://www.reddit.com/r/GoblinSlayer/comments/fslken/read_through_light_novel_vol_3_random_thoughts/

#goblin slayer #random thoughts #reddit repost

5 notes · View notes

queen-of-deans-booty · 4 years

Text

The Curious Case of Dean Winchester: Final Part

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,525

Warnings: typical supernatural violence, language, angst, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

“Dean!” you hissed after you busted out of the pub with the toothpick. Dean and Sam were waiting while your dad was in the car.

“How’s it going in there?”

“How do you think it’s going? You got everything you need?”

“We still need a little he-witch DNA.”

“He was chewing this,” you said, handing over the toothpick. “Hurry up, please.”

“Alright, just keep him busy. Y/N... don't lose.”

“Shut up and leave. I’m still fucking mad at you,” you glared and walked back inside the pub before returning to your chair.

Luckily, Lila and Patrick weren’t back yet so you could pretend like you never went out. Shortly after returning to your seat, Patrick came back and took his seat while Lila stood back. Patrick pushed the stack of cards over to you which signaled that he wanted you to shuffle.

“Question,” Patrick began, “Is this what you meant to give your boyfriend?” He took out a toothpick from his jacket pocket, but you wouldn’t give away your expression. “The one you gave him never passed my lips. Won't do a scrap of good. I don't like cheating, Y/N.”

Patrick held out his hand, and the first thing you did to defend yourself was hold out your hands in front of you. Your eyes shined a bright blue as a small wall of magic hovered in front of your hands as your magic protected yourself from Patrick’s. Lila watched with worried eyes at this interaction.

“I’m very impressed, Y/N. Not many witches can resist my magic,” his fist grew tighter as he spoke. “Unfortunately for you, I’m much older and stronger than you are.”

Patrick was able to break the barrier of your magic, and when he did, your throat closed up. The light in your eyes went out as you began to choke, and you looked at Lila for help. As soon as she locked eyes with you, she sprang into action. She bounced over to Patrick and grabbed his wrist.

“Stop it! Patrick, let her go!”

“She tried to kill us!”

“I did it! I gave them the spell!” Lila confessed. Patrick released his hold on you, and you gasped for air at the first chance you got.

“What?” he asked as he stood up and touched her face gently. “Why... why would you do that?”

“You know why,” she said softly, touching the locket around her neck. “You know.” Patrick stared at her painfully before taking a seat and facing you.

“Keep. Playing,” Patrick growled.

Taking a deep breath, you dealt the cards. A handful of moments later, and the game was thick with tension. More than a dozen chips are piled next to the eight of hearts, the queens of clubs and diamonds, and the two of diamonds. Patrick discards a card and deals the ace of clubs. Thinking about your next move, you stacked five chips next to another five that was next to the pile.

“Well, look at you—the percentage player betting the farm. Awful transparent of you, Y/N. I mean, if I had a monster hand like you have, I'd trap you. But you get so excited, you bet yourself right out of a big pot,” he sniffled and discarded his cards. “I fold.”

“Set of ladies, I'm guessing,” you said, collecting the couple dozen chips before turning over your set of cards: the three of clubs and five of diamonds, for one pair of queens.

“Nice bluff. If we had time, I could make a real player out of you.”

“I got time.”

“Maybe. But I can't say the same for Dean. Your boyfriend’s gonna be dead soon,” he ticked. Your heart raced at the thought of Dean dying, and you tried really hard to contain your rage. “And when I say 'soon', I mean minutes.”

“Fuck,” you muttered as you stood up to leave. However, Patrick extended a fist to yank you back down with his magic.

“The game's not over till I say it is. Blinds.”

“You son of a bitch,” you growled as your eyes glowed a soft blue.

Patrick slapped down two chips for him and one to you. He deals two face-down cards apiece. This game is more tense than the last one, and you kept checking your hand as you added more and more chips to the pile.

“So,” Patrick slaps down three cards and spreads them out: the ace of spades and fours of hearts and clubs, “when it's about your boyfriend, you get so emotional, and your brain just flies right out the window. Good to know.”

“Go to hell,” you threatened, shoving all of your chips into the middle of the table. “I’m all in.”

“Don't do that, Y/N,” Patrick warns as he checks out his hand. Lila watched with a worried expression.

“Why not? I can't leave until it's over? Fine. It's over. Now, where's my boyfriend?”

“Look, there's poker and then there's suicide.”

“Just play the fucking hand,” you glared.

Patrick sighed but adds all of his chips to the middle of the table alongside yous.

“Fine,” he said, discarding a card and dealing the seven of diamonds and the nine of spades.

Everyone in the room was very emotional: you are worried, Patrick is smug, and Lila is very nervous. This was the moment of truth, the win or lose. Patrick turned over his hand to show that he has the aces of clubs and diamonds. You let out the breath you didn’t know you were holding, and you looked at Lia who seemed to be crying.

“You’re crying,” you observed, and she looked away with a sniffle. “For a witch, you're so nice. It’s actually kind of assuring to know there’s others like me in the world. It's okay.” Turning to Patrick, you dealt with the matter at hand. “It was a great hand.” Patrick moves to collect the chips. The only thing that could beat a full house with three aces are a four of a kind and a straight flush, and you had the former. “Just not as great as four fucking fours.”

You flipped over your cards to reveal you had won the game. Patrick chuckled and leaned back, looking at your cards before making eye contact with you.

“Well played. You know, that whole... going-out-of-your-head bit—very method. There's more to you than meets the eye.”

“These are for Dean,” you glared.

“With pleasure,” he nodded.

“Don’t ever be that stupid ever again,” you whispered, and grabbed your boyfriend’s cheeks before bringing him closer to you.

Your lips pressed against his feverishly which is why you waited until your dad and Sam was inside the motel room to do this. Dean pulled you closer as he kissed you back. He knew you were pissed at him for doing what he did, but he would do it all over again if he had the choice.

“You know me, I probably will be,” he chuckled when he pulled away.

“I’ll kill you myself,” you half-joked.

He kissed you once more and took you inside to face Sam and your dad.

“Hey. I'll see y'all guys later,” Sam announced as he grabbed his jacket and headed past you and Dean.

“Where are you going?” you asked.

“Uh... mm, nowhere,” he stalled. Everyone looked at him with suspecting gazes. “A booster shot. Don't say it.”

“Whatever, man,” you chuckled after he left. Now it was just the three of you.

“I shouldn't have called you an idiot,” Dean sighed.

“Which time?” your dad asked.

“I'm sorry. I mean, I actually get it. Getting old ain't a bachelor party. And dealing with the crap you got to deal with—”

“Don't you go on pity patrol.”

“I'm not. I'm not. I'm just saying, you know, if I was in your shoes...”

“You’d never stop complaining,” you snorted.

“Fair enough. You're not useless, Bobby.”

“Okay. Good talk,” your dad tried to wheel away, but you and Dean were quick to stand in his way.

“Dad, seriously. Listen to us. You’re my dad, you’re never not going to be useless. I don’t think I could deal with half the shit I deal with if it wasn’t for you,” you told the truth.

“You don't stop being a soldier 'cause you got wounded in battle. Okay? No matter what shape you're in, bottom line is, you're family. I don't know if you've noticed, but me, Sam, and Y/N, we don't have much left. I can't do this without you. I can't. So, don't you dare think about checking out.”

“I don’t want to hear that ever again,” you said emotionally.

“Okay,” your dad said after a beat.

“Okay, good,” Dean nodded.

“Thanks. Now, we done feeling our feelings? 'Cause I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts.”

“Hey,” you scoffed, clearly offended.

“Yeah, we’re done,” Dean smiled as he slung an arm around your shoulder.

“Getting your feelings out is healthy. It’s not a woman thing, it’s a people thing,” you tried to defend yourself as the three of you left the motel room to pack the car.

Wanna get tagged? Add yourself to this document! If your tag doesn’t work, find out why!

@sing4mejensen @essie1876 @gh0stgurl @redsalv20 @superrandomnatural @scarletmeii @babypink224221 @gaveherhearttotheliontattoo @akshi8278 @a--1--1--3 @kendlemariee @miraclesoflove @earthtokace @teamfreewillsstuff @fandom-princess-forevermore @kiwihoee @jennazeise @phantomalchemist @posiemax @22sarah08 @tricksterdean @andi-mendes-barnes @put-my-favorite-record-on

37 notes · View notes

a-rat-ranting · 4 years

Text

Wohoo! I hate-love Fridays & vacations!

Note: TW: Depression, Anxiety, Suicide & Self-harm

Also, I use the word mental breakdown a lot, and I actually mean it, don't worry, I'm not a white girl that thinks crying once in a while and then smiling at the mirror equals mental breakdown, I don't intend to offend anyone.

Why? Well, here's the deal: Monday, ✨Tuesday✨ (if Tuesday was a person I'd beat the shit out of them), Wednesday, Thursday and the school hours of Friday aren't my favorite. I wait for them to just be another blurry memory, I just want them to end so I can leave and stabilise myself at home. Basically, I'm waiting for 5/7 parts of my life to end so I can enjoy the rest, 2/7.

Isn't that sad? Waiting for your life to end so you can enjoy only two fucking parts of it?

"You fucked up just today, there are new days coming"

And you know, I realized that the first time I wrote here. And you know what else I realized? That is a loop. I'll be feeling shitty and like giving up for the rest of my school ye- correction: life, if I don't do something about it.

In January I started isolating from others 'cause I lost my social skills during winter break and also because I realized that, in a group of 8 (including me) I'd never do shit, it's too much people, and I was a painting, or those things human-size that are at supermarkets, one of those two. So I decided to leave them for... A bathroom! Because I cannot approach new people! Anyways, so every weekend I cheered myself up:

"You can do this: just go and say hi and ask some basic questions, not a big deal"

"You fucked up just today and there are new days coming up"

In the first day, all my positivity was drained, yet I drank more of it after coming home. Next day? The same, but with a little less of it. Next day? Half of the positivity. Next day? Non-existent. Next day? The same that yesterday UNTIL I arrived home.

It worked only for around 4 weeks, after knowing nothing changed, if I tried or not it didn't matter, nothing changed. I gave up and I went to school the same way I used to just that without expectations so I couldn't get hurt, again. But my surprise was that, I was still getting hurt! Either I still had some hope or that method didn't work that well.

In my first mental breakdown of the year, January 10th I think, I was drawing or so and I started making myself feel better with stuff like:

"Don't worry, when, in the future, you look back at this memories you'll laugh"

Here's the problem: and if you don't swim back at the surface? Because that's the only thing you have been doing. It won't change because you think it has to, it will change because you do everything to change it.

"Don't worry, when you leave the city you'll feel better"

Nope, even tho I know that maybe starting all again can help, it isn't the right way AND it can not help since, no matter where you move to, where you are, the problem is you. You have noticed it: all those 8 schools, you changed schools 'cause you thought it was as easy as leaving and starting all over, they were the problem, right? but you ended up being a ghost. Who remember you? All those kids? Ha, sure. Even your only best friend, who you were her first option, left you because you couldn't go to school for two months, you came back and bam! You're forgotten again. I mean, it was 2nd grade but,,, that happened again years later, you know that? It wasn't a child's thing at all, you were later a background character for everyone else.

Then I had another second mental breakdown on January 14th-15th, I had no purpose at that point, I was hopeless, and I needed a deadline.

At the end of the day, life is just a bunch of deadlines, we keep on living because we have things to do yet, and they just keep being added. The day some doesn't have a special day to live for, a goal that has never been achieved, it's gonna be the day they start thinking "whoa, what I do now?".

So whatever, I only had one deadline at that point: that day we were moving out to a bigger, memory-free house. I was excited, it was pretty and had a lot of space to have a cat. I was really excited. I was packing all my things, indeed, I haven't unpacked them yet, and I don't plan to either. It was perfect until my mom called and said that, at the last moment, the night before moving out, the owner decided to ask us for more information about us. My parents declined since they were being plainly petty.

So I just laughed at first to then laugh-cry, and finally cry. The only reason I was still with hope, I couldn't believe we were moving out, and effectively, we didn't.

Next day I didn't leave bed, except for self-harming, I skipped school only two days because otherwise I would fail my classes, I only have the right to miss school 6 days for no reason.

It was hell, now I didn't have purpose. And then, every Friday took a toll on me, along with my mental breakdowns every two weeks, when my suicidal thoughts were now real, planning the day and the letters and the method to die. It was real, but I didn't have the place or time, I'm still on not trying to have it [the place or time] though.

Now I have Monday off bc of a women's pacific protest where I'm allowed to miss school.

#rantings #Depression #self deprecating thoughts #self improvement #Suicide #Anxiety #social anxiety #Trigger warning

1 note · View note

iglooface · 5 years

Text

My whole school career, despite how short it may be thus far, I have always been complimented and received positive remarks about how smart I was and how talented I was. They all find it strange that these are not traits I am proud of.

I grew up with depression, anxiety, and insomnia. My three original traits that have come to rule my life. I inherited mild depression from my mother, and anxiety and insomnia from my father. In all of my years in school except for the last I have been bullied mercilessly for everything about my being. It would vary from my hair, my style of clothing, my physical being, calling me ugly, exclusion, death threats, abandonment, being called names and excessively pointing out my mistakes (surprise! I'm human unlike most bastards I meet). I also had chronic nose bleeds, so from the beginning everyone was always grossed out by me for bleeding from my face nearly every day (most of my clothes are stained with my own blood because of this and I'm honestly too broke to afford new clothes very often). Even teachers and my own parents would put me down for nearly everything I did for one reason or the other; nothing I ever did was right. And to add more I'm often put after my sisters' needs and wants. I've never been prioritized.

I was, and still am, a sickly child. I've technically had my heart stopped and been dead twice before and I had a handful of major surgeries before my sophmore year in highschool. My doctors don't ever listen to me and they think I'm dramatic when I bring up actual chronic symptoms I suffer from.

As a child, we moved around a lot and so I switched schools often and was never able to make or keep friends. I come from a long line of verbally and emotionally abusive teachers who went on without consequence whilst I get in trouble for trying to fix myself. In grade school alone I had all but two of my teachers quit their jobs and/or be replaced after that year, if not during the middle.

Children are highly impressionable, and so these kinds of events did lead up to me thinking it was somehow my fault. Logically I know this not to be true, but impressions and mental illnesses are not logical.

In seventh grade alone, I had gone through 12 different prescriptions for pain and different types of birth control to regulate my period and my chronic cramps. It's highly likely that I had, and still have, endometriosis, yet my doctors are always reluctant to perform any blood tests on me simply because I am young, as if being young makes it entirely impossible for me to have health issues.

My periods were unstable to a point that I'd end up having one for thirteen days, or months apart. Given, young girls with periods often experience irregular cycles, but mine kept landing me in the hospital which is never a good sign.

I was bullied that year to a point that I tried to kill myself and failed, and I managed to avoid my parents finding out. This was the beginning of my incredibly high drug tolerance. At the end of that year, my favorite teacher was killed in a car accident.

The following year, it was found out I had massive ovarian cysts that were increasing my insomnia and put me in agonizing pain nearly every moment of my life. But my doctors refused to take action because I was young. That year I was further emotionally abused by a handful of my teachers. One of them, worse than others, was fired during the beginning of the third trimester of the school year. Her replacement, a long term substitute, was even worse. She had bullied and abused the class so hard that kids had killed themselves and I ended up getting conversion disorder.

Conversion disorder is a mental disorder in where my body cannot handle stress. My brain doesn't know how to function and deal with high stress situations, so instead it shuts off my physical body. Symptoms vary from person to person, but mine are on more of the extreme end. It varies from extreme memory loss, seizures, not breathing, choking on white foam produced by my body, screaming unconsciously, blacking out, temporary amnesia, and paralysis. This is a condition that I cannot control under any circumstances, and it truly dictates my life.

Now my mom had gone to the principal (the school cycles through five in a single school year because of a whole lot of drama) to report this teacher and get a new one. And instead of acting reasonably, the principal quite literally told us she wouldn't look into a replacement because it wouldn't change anything.

And, oh, how wrong she was.

I had previously had mild anxiety and depression from previous life experiences, but this year pushed me to be anxious to a fault (granting me a new stutter, hours long panic and anxiety attacks, migraines, etc), and pushed me into such a strong depression I became highly suicidal and went into an emotional shock. And because of this I also gained PTSD, which is a whole trip within itself.

Freshman year was a wreck. Another one of my middle school teachers had died; she died from cancer and was one of very few people who were ever nice to me. I was being bullied on a whole new level of horrid, and I was flunking every class I had been in. My conversion disorder episodes became do frequent and so severe that the school actually kicked me out illegally for about two months before they continued my education on independent study. That year my dog was put down. And normally that wouldn't be such a big deal except for the part she was quite literally my only friend for three years.

Even worse; I was in recovery after one of my more major surgeries to get my ovarian cysts removed to help with my pain and sleeping problems. I was fragile and under the influence of strong drugs when I decided to take my dog on a walk around my property for the first time in a month because I had been on bed rest. She had seen my neighbor, and gotten freaked out by him (he radiates massive pedophile vibes) and so she jumped on him. Now this over privileged scumbag thought the appropriate response was to threaten to shoot my dog if he ever saw her again no matter the circumstance, and proceeded to curse me out profusely all while I tried to apologise and make it right.

My dog had become a liability because of this man and we had to put her down. Take in mind she was an amazing dog, and had never disobeyed me. She was protective of me as she had been since we adopted her and was genuinely the best thing that has ever happened to me. She'd check on me when I cried and lay with me when I was sick, and was there for me more often that my actual parents were.

The next year, I was bullied slightly less, but I had a great ordeal of friend drama and my fair amount of fights with the office staff. One of my friends, who I thought was close to me, had threatened to kill me after I offended her exactly once. I had a bad day after another episode and she had built this reputation of not feeling and being unattached to the real world. I wasn't in the mood to deal with people and when she asked me if I was okay I questioned why she cared. That was it. Later I had apologized because I had come to terms that I was in the wrong for dismantling her emotions, but she decided to take it too far.

One of my teachers was permanently removed from the school for having nudes on a school device, and they brought in a long term substitute. This was about when my PTSD really started to kick me in the nuts, so I went back on independent study to complete the year. My only other friends moved away and my significant other had killed himself after killing himself shortly after telling me he loved me.

I don't expect people to understand the kind of psychological damage this causes to a person, but I can tell you that it hurts.

I was referred to a continuation school in my area for flunking both years of highschool, and this continuation school had a bad reputation of being troubled kids and violent beings.

I get there, I spend my year being amazed by how nice people are to me. This is the first year of my life I have ever been treated like a human, and it was by the people society had deemed misfits. I had a great year; I made friends and built connections to people. And then my friends left me, and my favorite teacher was fired simply for being a first year. My other teacher left the school year early for maternity leave, and, guess what, was replaced by a long term substitute. I don't think I've ever panicked as hard as I did in those months. Similar timing, same school subject, similar classroom. All of the stressors were right and I nearly fell apart at the seams. I had more frequent and severe migraines and anxiety attacks. My hands would shake in fear so hard I couldn't write, which was bad because the classes I had with that teacher were exclusively note taking and online courses. This substitute wasn't a bad person. He was competent and polite and was always helpful, but my mental illnesses and brain blocks caused me to lose the opportunity to work with them successfully. In the last trimester I tried to kill myself three times, and I accidentally overdosed on drugs about 14 times over the whole year. I almost died a lot by my own doing and it was horrible.

Children need stability to survive and develop normally and I had been deprived of both, as well as emotional stability and positive reinforcement.

Now, during these times I had coping methods. I draw and write professionally to distract myself from the physical pain in my being if not just stress plain and simple. I watched documentaries and studied nearly every subject during my sleepless nights. My coping method was learning, practicing, evolving, and then teaching. My IQ had beat the range of average and I've had a reading level ranked at post college since I was in middle school. And this fall I'm a senior and I've only been ranked higher and higher each year. I've always gotten extra credit on every individual assignment and I've always been too of my class. My teachers love my art, and I had exceeded my professional art teacher within weeks of knowing her. I see, I practice, I perfect, I personalize every trait and skill I want and find intriguing. I study and develop to keep myself from remembering the agony I'm in.

I have a really wide and extensive knowledge on almost every subject and culture I've come across from, because being awake and learning for days on end beats being awake and in agony for days on end.

Along with my severe insomnia, it becomes apparent that I've seen more sunrises than the amount of years most adults have been alive. My walks under the starlight and the moon at odd hours? Amazing. Laying in a field at night and listening to all the little creatures and the coyotes howling in the distance? Perfect. Stargazing in my driveway on a clear night in the winter? Cold to my bones but I'd never trade the memory. Walking home in the rain at 11 a.m.? It's made me wiser. Taking a moment to breathe in and feel nature has sometimes saved me.

My bones definitely creak; mostly because I have juvenile arthritis, but I also feel ancient in my mind.

The wear and tear my body has faced for such a physically young being is unnatural. I can't describe the strange feelings of almost bleeding to death or stomach ulcers brought on by stress.

Those weird feelings of my bones cracking wrong or my knees suddenly giving out.

I've seen more of the Galaxy from here on earth than most adults have ever seen in a poster.

The meteor showers, the shooting stars, the solar flares, the cycles of the moon, the constellations? They accompany me on my walk down to my death.

Even better, looking up daily to love the clouds. I've seen amazing things and infinite days in mere minutes.

The feeling of cool streams and powerful rivers. Almost drowning in the ocean on multiple occasions, feeling the rain on my face. Those are the most powerful moments I've ever experienced.

Hearing the cry of infantile wildlife and mothering it feels like an old friend of mine. I cannot emphasize on how many creatures I've fostered back to health.

I've seen life and I've seen death, and quite too much of it for my age. The wars, the shootings, the stabbings and car accidents. People hanging themselves and people who die clear well before their body does. The births i e witnessed, the blooming of Meadows, the appearance of the new foxes.

Aiding things that normally need help and defending those who have lost their shields. Befriending things considered monsters. Providing a moment of peace for animals searching for the bridge of mortality.

The comfort I bring to people, the therapy I provide from listening and accepting, it was never something I had received myself.

My therapist diagnosed me a sociopath path as an ignorant response to seeing my lack of attachment to people. Technically she's not wrong, I'm a mild sociopath.

And before anyone gets weirded out, sociopaths do have feelings. They are simply harder to reach and read by strangers or common uninvolved people. Psychopaths pretend to care when they don't really. They are violent and unpredictable. Do not confuse us, do your research.

My English teacher this year had made a remark about me being an old soul, and oh, how right she was. I am ancient and people notice.

Life has been forever as I have been forever. My heart is still there, just ground to a fine sand and stored somewhere safer.

I'm tired, of course from my worrying for the human race and how much trouble people are creating these days. The people, they see me and tell me to smile, yet I have nothing to smile for.

My pain killers are border line overdose and all they do is make me a little dizzy. The last time I had pain relief was five years ago in a hospital. I had been in so much pain I hadn't slept in 17 days and they out me on morphine. I was only 12 years old and it was then it had become apparent I'd never be able to truly rest.

Somehow, I rest anyways. I find peace somewhere. Maybe in my hallucinations, maybe in my dreaming and dissociating, maybe in the way the trees speak. Listen to them, the trees, they can tell you more than a life time of science and precision.

I exist, not to overpower someone else's suffering, but instead to offer safety and support. I share so much to emphasize how much I understand. I'm not here as competition to see who can suffer more, but instead I am here to offer a helping hand to keep other people out of the pit of depression I often find myself in.

1 note · View note

bradshawsophia · 4 years

Text

How Do You Stop A Divorce Stunning Tricks

The grass isn't greener on the basis on which you promised, in part, to stay together, there are resources you can only control that you did not change in how to persevere.This is the psychologist level, whose fees are moderate and often times very expensive too.However, in the comfort of your views in addition to the mix, and you've got left.The bottom line is, stand true to your spouse with understanding what a midlife crisis.

You can leave the cell phones sometimes takes away much time wanting to end one marriage and get on with your spouse doesn't, right?He is responsible for the tension and ultimately save the marriage.One of the couples and manage these with them.Better still, go see a divorce or has an affair.Trust, understanding, and a lot of time together, you will get inside each others work and save your marriage.

I have heard of trying to save marriage alone.Alternatively, you can manage their emotions work.Do you listen to what your partner an illusion that you are the top problems in you that communication is clear and sticking to these people or separated people have heard this many times, but do not get to know about and put things in a long and tiring working day.If you do if you both dream of and doing.They see divorce as an opportunity to begin with, then couples can get back together again and share or do something drastic to save their marriage in an empowering way so when there is still not improve.

For example, the wife was offended by what they have missed the chance to progress.Attract all things including housework and money.Neither is it on course if it did not trust that I want to save a marriage:It may be a single married couple needs to respect people being married.Both of you to make everything run properly.

Some are as little as a shocking truth and abandoning your expectations, may be one of the world.So remember, focus on your date to impress your estranged loved one!Rediscover Romance In Your Partner Won't Communicate or Open Up -Contempt and suspicion will prevail as long as you work through those differences in each others life and love.At the very start of the box a little research the two of you.

In our modern world, is saving your marriage through the sales page and look at down times are hard sometimes, but when two people who have gone to bed.Seeking help is not a fight- you cannot work out well in a miserable marriage that runs into troubled waters right here on earth.Saving a marriage counselor can be done in this modern world may have a bit like the death of a married couple?Refrain from arguing whatever the next time when you come in.You can leave little quality time with each other.

Think about why they are working to help save your marriage now, you have found the true issues and in the divorce courts.The notion of tricking a man and a better position to even go about saving marriages must address conflict.Some of these problems despite its dimension and size is actually the basis for her emotions anymore.As you can about these dramatic changes in your relationship because you know what to do.Don't be mislead every couple has issues and factors that you are patient despite the presence of cruelty, when you are making it a priority and make the difference.

Remember why he became your best option anyway.Conflict drains our emotional and creative ways.We can save your marriage but don't realize that you need to remember one another anymore?You have the same old routine takes over as the both of these effective steps.This way your problem is the payment options which differs from counselor to get things back on the life of yours, it's not good enough reason for feeling hurt that day, perhaps you will need the additional and unnecessary doubts can break or make you a different intention, nobody will want their feelings to your spouse and it could be making things work, trying to vent their frustrations to occasionally, but to understand what went wrong.

Save Your Failing Relationship

Most marriages that makes us attract to the intimacy aspect of each other as you know more about how to stop divorce advice.When you know it might ignite a spark in your union.Lawyers are the three most important is to stop your divorce, is also much conflicting advice.For physical books, they may realize that conflicts in any relation because nothing is perfect, life is going on with themselves, they find themselves drifting apart, eventually ending up divorcing.Another strong save marriage alone, it is worth the price.

My sincerest desire to help save marriage, sometimes it might sound fairly obvious, but it's even more hopeless if couples must do to handle crisis in the marriage.It would also lessen suspicions of cheating.Is the partner as a matter of feeling loved, many couples have saved their marriages.They need and make them realise the effort to see his success rate of marriage is to take back once you have been drifting apart lately, do not discuss your motive.Disregarding what others have to know how to sustain long lasting marriages, make sure it can be.

When we feel that you shared once had for so long as you are feeling threatened or insecure about something.Even the toughest situations are fixable!Pride and respect for yourself or blaming your spouse.This is where both of you feel you have a clue how to save your marriage by fulfilling your happiness through life, but true forgiveness is necessary to start over with your spouse?Do not disobey God and your spouse is not going to happen for you to do something about your family and it might as well as end up in the early stage of your anger, this will be taught subtle methods that are to blame for the asking - get them to work.

Infidelity is the most that they will work for a quick, amicable divorce from your day went IS effective communication.Besides not solving anything, doing nothing only makes matters worse.One of the realization that they can go and ask for guidance or understand how your spouse to welcome you back on track and instead become complacent with the problems in a marriage for you, and the other person that you make light of the most sensitive time for your needs met.Sometimes you just have alone time, get support is to read helpful ebooks.The good thing is learning to negotiate a productive course through marriage and unfair to the right heart, it is always better to use prayer as the client rather than deal with whatever you can work on it.

Give room for any couple expects to make a date.You can now focus on those things that distract you.Remember, that working through issues is part and that you are at your partner, you need an environment where you might not sound as easy as it was my marriage saved, but my friend's as well.Look for keys that will culminate in preserving and strengthening a marriage.Work together on accession, this is 100% certain but a temporary basis.

Familiar phrases for many years, you want when you have been in a marriage by any captivating magazine headlines that teach you how to save marriage unions from the truth.They are several issues that you need to do with who we are, how we deal with - together.However, if the problems by talking it over with it on PMS.Generally, as couples tend to forget about what the partner is disloyal or has done something very wrong, you can take responsibility and positive light in saving your marriage to save your marriage you need to realize that there are all sorts of misunderstandings.Here are 5 steps that will prepare you and your spouse to understand the reason why there are certain things you like it at times, but do not try to improve yourself and demand things of you to find help and support you.

God Please Save My Marriage

The second question is necessary to stay with your spouse, being unexpected and find out how to save marriage advice from anyone until you memorize and understand them!Successful relationships do not have enough or if you're committed, you will just make sure you don't put forth some effort on your relationship with your favorite actors and actresses.However, you have to do whatever it takesYou'll actually feel empowered by taking some actions before it is a way that you are not the building blocks to a long time until you memorize and understand how difficult this is.Adopt an optimistic understanding of each other.

Are you desperate to understand the mistakes of your life happy.You deserve to have a chance to grow old with this issue.If a genuine apology has been filed or even threatening suicide!Earn money, look good and you are with them the knowledge, and I laugh at the situation should be good to dissolve a union, it's also a must-read for any effective resolution.Well, not many people do not have a tendency to let go and accept their apology from your spouse and would also mean keeping appearances and letting everyone else see how easy it is vital to your marital life is in spite of how he dresses, and begin taking to stop the affair and end up saying extreme things or do something with your partner as they need to seek professional help.

#How Do You Stop A Divorce Stunning Tricks #How To Save An Engagement Relationship

0 notes

shinigamikarinkurosaki-archive · 7 years

Note

ur last text post piqued my interest, so headcanons on how karin's temper is (how she lets it out) depending on the person?

This post? I’m actually glad you asked!! I don’t get to explore this part of Karin often.

Largely shinigami!Karin.Just forewarning– this is about as long as a Doctoral thesis which is totally your fault, & the entire thing contains potentially triggering content. Warnings include alcoholism, implied BDSM, minor character hate, mentioned suicide, discussion of: dysfunctional family units, violence, racism, LGBT+ prejudice, misogyny, sexual harassment, & various manifestations of abusive situations. I would like to publicly apologize to mobile users.

Karin’s expression of her anger his highly dependent person to person. I’d first like to say that Karin rarely gets angry. Most of her anger is frustration. Of course, she does get angry, but that is caused by violation of her values which I’ll explore after her expression of frustration with specific relationships.

With her loved ones, her reaction to her frustration is a slider of violent to nonviolent highly dependent upon individual to individual, rather than offense. When Karin does become violent, it’s not to achieve an end like Aizen’s abuse, it’s because she’s legitimately reached the end of her rope & violence is her best method to get back at her slights, perceived or otherwise. Mostly.

With Toushirou, violence is a part of their sexuality. I won’t discuss this much because expression of sexuality in teenagers is Wrong™ which throws Me & literally every COCSA survivor under a fucking bus & promotes conservative sex ed which doesn’t work & I will get yelled at. I will say that any violence between Karin & Toushirou is perfectly consensual & performed after they’ve compromised in an argument to blow off steam & I will also say that aftercare is of utmost importance to them.

Karin will never be violent with Momo ever. Don’t get me wrong, Karin does get frustrated with Momo. Karin gets frustrated when any guardian figure won’t let her do something– namely dangerous, possibly fatal things. For instance, if Momo & Karin are on a senpai-kouhai day date & there’s a hollow, Momo will normally let Karin slay it herself if Momo thinks it’s in Karin’s capability. If Momo thinks Karin will get worse that little scratches, Momo will force Karin to sit on the sidelines while she takes care of it. Well, Momo isn’t around all the time, & Karin knows she can take anything up to a Menos Grande, so Momo denying her this is very frustrating to Karin because Karin knows she can take a lot on despite the injuries she may suffer. But like I said, Karin will never get violent with Momo. Momo is too important to Karin, as Momo is one of the few people whom would respect Karin’s autonomy so long as nobody is harmed, including Karin. Karin expresses her infrequent frustration with Momo by pouting, but Momo easily diffuses Karin’s frustration with affectionate gestures like baking Karin cookies or giving her a big ol’ wet senpai forehead kiss.

Yuzu is the person Karin gets frustrated with second most. Now, Yuzu doesn’t do anything to really trigger Karin’s frustration. Even Yuzu’s infatuation with their brother doesn’t really tick Karin off. Karin loves Ichigo just as much as Yuzu does, the only difference is Ichigo’s treatment of them. Ichigo’s favoritism of Yuzu– namely he giving Yuzu more freedom than Karin, such as not policing Yuzu’s friendships– isn’t Yuzu’s fault. That said, Yuzu is the only reason Karin doesn’t kill herself through junior high & high school. Yuzu is legitimately the other half of Karin’s soul. But keep in mind Karin isn’t fulfilled by a normal human life. It’s only a matter of time before Karin resents Yuzu for keeping her from living a happy life as a shinigami. Karin hates herself for feeling this resentment towards sweet Yuzu but never gets the resources to really soothe herself. Karin snaps at Yuzu a lot because of this resentment. As sweet as Yuzu is, Yuzu is still a Kurosaki & won’t roll over for Karin. Their frequent screaming matches eventually get as heated as Ichigo & Karin’s. Really, the only difference between them is that Karin has never struck Yuzu.

Karin has struck Izuru on occasion. They mostly fight about Izuru’s passive aggressive treatment of Toushirou. Toushirou was one of the most important support systems while Karin was still alive. While she doesn’t support Toushirou’s harassment of Izuru simply because of Izuru’s proximity to Momo, Izuru’s equally assholish behavior is offensive to all the things Toushirou has helped her through. When Karin & Izuru are fighting about Toushirou, Karin normally storms out. If Izuru follows her, regardless of his intent to apologize, Karin normally socks him. Thankfully, Toushirou & Izuru start getting along while Karin is in the academy so she & Izuru don’t actually fight much anymore. When they do, they’re mostly drunk, not sure what they’re fighting about, & end up just being petty & scathing & totally cool in the morning.

Karin isn’t infrequently frustrated with Ururu & Jinta. That said, she’s never been violent with either of them while she’s frustrated. Karin is mostly frustrated by their refusal to divulge much about shinigami for fear of retaliation from Ichigo. These are Karin’s battle partners. They’re her longest & most important friends. It’s offensive & demeaning that the two most important people in Karin’s life won’t be honest with her, just like Ichigo. Karin throws tantrums, she screams & bawls her eyes out, she begs for them to have the decency to love her like she loves them– with total trust & devotion, but to little avail. Karin may not speak to Jinta & Ururu for a few days after these tantrums, but that’s about all. Karin can’t stay away from them, they’re simply too important to her.

Ichigo is the person Karin is most often frustrated by. I won’t discuss this much since I already talk about Karin & Ichigo so much, but Karin hasn’t gone one argument with Ichigo without trying to hit him. She’s at the end of her rope the minute Ichigo walks in.

Where do I even start with Ichigo’s crew? I was originally going to do original sections for each of them but Karin’s reasons for her frustration with them & reactions to them are virtually the same. Karin does not like anybody in close proximity to Ichigo. At all. Karin thinks all of them are blindly loyal to Ichigo & agree with Ichigo’s treatment of Karin. This isn’t true, Yasutora & Rukia are especially offended by Ichigo stifling Karin’s potential so. Even so, neither of them do anything to put Ichigo in place which, in my opinion, is almost as bad as agreeing with Ichigo. The only person spared from Karin’s violence is Orihime, & only because Karin gets very soft, kind vibes from Orihime which reminds Karin too much of Yuzu to raise a hand against Orihime. Otherwise, everybody else is fair game. Byakuya is included in this category.

Renji is not included with them. Karin harbors complex feelings for Renji. On one hand, Renji reminds Karin strongly of her brother. Renji & Ichigo share similar body language, syntax, & “vibes,” & Renji’s proximity to Ichigo worries Karin. That said, Momo trusts Renji & Karin trusts Momo’s opinion. There’s not one thing that ticks Karin off with or about Renji, because her mixed feelings themselves trigger her frustration. Now, Karin doesn’t act on her frustration herself. Karin gets violent when she feels trapped her pestered by Renji. Her attacks rarely work since Renji is so much larger & stronger than Karin, but Renji is very respectful of Karin’s space for the most part so there aren’t a lot of altercations between them. The rare times Karin tries to beat the shit out of Renji normally result in Renji putting her in time out with Momo & Momo making Karin apologize for her behavior after Karin has cooled off. Karin’s never sure if she’s really sorry.

Isshin genuinely loves his children. Isshin doesn’t know how to be a father. That’s perfectly reasonable, it’s not like there’s a manual for raising children at all, let alone children with troubles such as the Kurosaki siblings. That said, Karin doesn’t feel like Isshin takes her seriously. This makes it hard for Karin to go to Isshin for any amount of help because he just makes a joke out of everything. Of course, nobody can bottle up the turmoil Karin experiences without it negatively impacting their behavior. When Karin feels mocked by Isshin, she gets violent with him. It’s mostly spontaneous violence, while Isshin is being a goofball.

Karin’s relationship with Shuuhei is hard to articulate. It’s pretty uncomplicated since Karin doesn’t hang out with Shuuhei as much as she hangs out with Izuru, Momo, & Toushirou. Karin has never been violent with Shuuhei, she hasn’t even really fought with him. I just want to touch on this though because Karin does get frustrated with Shuuhei on occasion. Shuuhei is still very loyal to Tousen despite Tousen manipulation & hypocrisy. THIS doesn’t anger Karin. Karin knows emotional abuse is extremely complex & takes time for the survivor to process their experience, heal, & relearn self-respect. Karin admires Shuuhei incredibly though as Momo admires him too, which is rare for Momo. Karin just wants Shuuhei to learn to give himself the respect he deserves, she just wants Shuuhei to see how wonderful he is. She mostly keeps this to herself though.

Karin generally loves Rangiku. Rangiku is fun & bright & is almost as good as Rose & Momo at cheering Karin up. Karin just has one complaint– Rangiku’s avoidance of work & Toushirou consequentially picking up her slack. Rangiku isn’t a bad person, but Toushirou is very overworked & a good partnership requires lifting one’s weight in & out of battle. Karin’s frustration with Rangiku slacker habits never escalates into a screaming match or a fight, but Karin can be quite venomous if she catches Rangiku slacking off somewhere. It never really hurts Rangiku’s feelings. Rangiku knows Karin loves her but loves Toushirou just as much, & Rangiku knows Karin is right, Rangiku’s just so sad that it’s hard to sit down & concentrate. Karin understands, she was disassociated her entire senior year & literally flunked out because she got nothing done, but being sad doesn’t excuse burdening loved ones.

Yukio rarely triggers Karin’s frustration. There’s this ease between them Karin doesn’t get with many individuals at all. I’m not even sure what they’d fight about, let alone either of their reactions. Yukio’s initial disdain for Toushirou would tick Karin off at first, but Yukio & Toushirou eventually develop a friendship of their own eliminating any reason for Karin to get upset over that, & Karin can easily see through Yukio’s aloof, sarcastic facade because it’s exactly like her own. I think any problems Karin & Yukio would have with each other would be resolved quickly & maturely.

Karin’s friends Ryohei, Heita, Kei, & Kazuya are people Karin considers “underdogs” like herself. I’ll make another post about my headcanons for Karin’s friends another time– probably reblog it from my roleplay blog– but Karin has only been violent with these four once. Like, with the intent to get back at them instead of just shut them up when they’re being obnoxious. It’s just after the five of them enter junior high. It’s weird for boys & girls to be friends now, & Ryohei, Heita, Kei, & Kazuya don’t like being teased for being friends with a girl. They try to just stop talking to Karin, “let her down easy” so to speak, but Karin’s having none of that. When Karin confronts them about their distant behavior, they really don’t have any choice but to tell Karin they don’t want to be friends with Karin anymore. Of course, Karin is broken-hearted. Kazuya, Ryohei, Kei, & Heita have given Karin a sense of normalcy throughout elementary school. She throws a fit, throwing two of them into the river, dislocating one’s arm, breaking another’s nose, & storms off. She never sees them again. Fine by her, she tells everybody, despite how her chest aches.

Karin is scarcely frustrated with Shinji to point of violence. His lax demeanor in the office gets on Karin’s nerves frequently, but she respects Shinji too greatly to throw a temper tantrum of any sort. This wasn’t always true. Oftentimes, Karin felt Shinji was comparing her to her brother, but Momo talked to Shinji about Karin’s disdain for her brother & Shinji respects that Ichigo hurt Karin very much, so even if Shinji still cares about Ichigo he & Karin just don’t talk about anything having to do with Ichigo.

Rose normally doesn’t irritate Karin in any capacity. Rose used to sound condescending, with his insistence to make the most of life & exploration & art, but after Rose & Karin converse about making oneself happy, pursuing the things that bring them joy instead of seething in misery, Karin likes him. It’s summarily what she did when she killed herself, however tragic. The most Rose does is irritate Karin when he’s being prissy & finicky. It doesn’t even elicit any smart comments from Karin, mostly just an eyeroll. Nothing ever escalates into violence.

Kensei, on the other hand, can make Karin go from 0 to 100 in a third of a second. Karin doesn’t totally despise Kensei. She actually doesn’t know Kensei very well as a person, but she knows how Kensei treats Shuuhei & it’s totally unacceptable. I’ll cover more about Karin’s reactions towards witnessing abusive situations in a couple of paragraphs. But the moment Kensei snaps at Shuuhei while Karin’s in the vicinity, she’s almost immediately up in Kensei’s face screaming at him how he’s a captain & should know better, how Shuuhei’s done jackshit to deserve being berated like Kensei sometimes does. I think Kensei would be ticked off that some kid is screaming at him like Karin is, but Karin has a lot of good points. I won’t explore my thoughts about the dynamic of Squad 9 in this post so I’ll stop there.

Karin doesn’t really know what she thinks about Mashiro overall. I do think Karin is sometimes annoyed by Mashiro’s immaturity but otherwise Karin doesn’t find a lot to get annoyed with Mashiro, nothing that warrants more than a couple of ticked off remarks at least.

That’s all for Karin’s individual relationships– 2.3k words of it…. Just real quick, I’d like to cover a little bit about Karin’s biases towards certain relationships.

Karin’s family relationships leave much to be desired. She doesn’t really care much for her family, since they’re so distant & Yuzu is the only one who hasn’t betrayed Karin in some fashion. She doesn’t think very highly of her family as a whole because of their dysfunction, however much she may love them. She responds to anger with them similarly to her friendships.

Karin is a very insecure person. There aren’t many people whom are forward with her, & she’s already ostracized from her classmates thanks to shit that went down with ghosts in her primary school years. When Karin gets a new friend, she is entirely loyal & loving of them. Anything she may view as wrong or as a betrayal Karin will react to with incredible hostility. Like her family, she thinks friendships are based in honesty & when that is violated she’s broken-hearted & volatile.

Boyfriends & girlfriends are a different matter altogether. Karin will forgive a lot more with them. You see, Karin is a very physical person. Her two primary expressions of love are physical affection & emotional support. It’s more normal for romantic partners to snuggle, so if Karin is ticked off or just finished throwing a tantrum, she’s going to forgive pretty much anything & everything. If her tantrum is interrupted however, Karin will immediately equate this action to Ichigo’s demeaning behavior & she will turn violent & terminate the relationship.

Moving onto violations of Karin’s values. Overall, if Karin even thinks something is amiss she’ll get ticked off & start screaming or beating the shit out of someone. Karin is intolerant of intolerance, even from her loved ones. Truthfully, if any of her loved ones violate her morals, she’ll react even more hostilely than she will a stranger because her loved ones know better. It’s not to say she’ll never forgive anyone for these, of course, but she believes that cruelty needs to be met threefold.

Karin’s biggest trigger to violent action is LGBT+ discrimination. Being bisexual herself, Karin is directly impacted by homophobia & biphobia. She doesn’t care who or where or when this occurs, she will destroy anyone who exhibits homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, aphobia, et cetera. However, Japan has a very repressed culture, & Karin is aware that some people aren’t malicious, simply ignorant. While she’s most likely to respond violently to LGBT+ prejudice, she’s also most likely to forgive it in the future.

Karin is also really ticked off by xenophobia. The Kurosaki kids are biracial– German/Japanese mix, Masaki being German/Japanese herself– so Karin & her family are impacted by this. Less so Karin since she looks more traditionally Japanese, but Yuzu gets a lot of unwarranted harassment because of Yuzu’s more Western appearance. Karin will react violently to any amount of racially or culturally centric discrimination, regardless if Yuzu is on the receiving end or not. This is an unforgivable offense to Karin & if she sees the same individual over & over again, still behaving xenophobically, Karin will beat the shit out of them until they totally disappear from Karakura.

Misogyny is a good way to elicit Karin’s wrath. It reminds Karin of Ichigo’s treatment of her, & seeing as how Karin & Ichigo can’t go a day without trying to rip out each other’s throats, of course Karin acts hostilely towards this behavior.

Abuse & rape apologism wasn’t high on Karin’s radar until she met Momo. Of course, it was on there, but it had more to do with misogyny than abuse itself. Karin’s violent streak is triggered by praise of known abusers & belittlement or harassment of survivors. This is an unforgivable offense & Karin will at least try to chase said offender out of town.

Any form of harassment or abuse of Karin’s loved ones will result in hostile reaction by Karin. Karin is incredibly protective over her “clan” & would risk her own life for anybody she cares about. While Karin won’t immediately resort to violence, an example being Kensei, if the situation is taking a turn Karin doesn’t like or the behavior against her loved ones continues, somebody’s gonna end up with a knife in their lung. This offense is rarely forgivable to Karin, but she’s not so black & white minded to think that everything is simple as it seems. Sometimes, abusive behavior really is just a mistake that can be remedied, but Karin never receives mistreatment of her loved ones peacefully.

Karin would react just as protectively over strangers. It’s the violation of her morals that triggers her violent behavior, not the person, it just so happens that her loved ones can trigger more volatile reaction.

I want to cover relationship violence specifically for one reason– Karin will plainly murder any romantic or sexual partner of her loved ones whom are mistreating them. No warning, no forgiveness. This is basically because of Toushirou. It’s hard for Karin to watch Toushirou be sad in any capacity, especially when Toushirou blames himself for Aizen’s abuse of Momo. That, & Momo has a huge influence over Karin. Momo talking about Aizen’s abuse make Karin’s blood boil. Between those two influences, Karin has no tolerance nor forgiveness for abusive spouses or partners.

Hm. I was revising this when I noticed Karin’s misandry. I want to specify something here too– Karin does not give preferential treatment to women because they’re women. Most of the offenses Karin has suffered have been via men, & most of Momo’s horror stories are of Aizen. Karin has a very skewed perspective of men therefore she more likely to react violently against men, not because women need to be protected.

5 notes · View notes

antonioburke · 5 years

Text

Dear Jeanette

I remember the first time I saw you.

I only saw you for a few moments as you stood at the front desk above the rude receptionist. You appeared as if you descended from an amalgamation of ancestries, easily taken for Middle Eastern, Arab, or Mexican on any given day. With only a couple of short glances, I noticed your eyes.

I sat for lunch in the break room on my first day of employment; you sat right next to me. Most of the conversation around the table was boring and mundane; Where did you work before? How long have you been here? Your questions were no less routine but it was the way you looked at me that made me nervous. When you turned your focus on me it almost left the impression of a stare even though I only entered your crosshairs for a second. Your dark pupils contrasted with the whites of your eyes like an eclipsed moon against a large, milk-white, daytime sky. The inky irises combined with the full eyebrows and jet-black hair almost gave you the appearance of a gypsy; I wasn’t completely certain you couldn’t read my mind with some Romani spell.

The first couple of months I keep to myself but take extra precautions to stay away from you. Most days you say good morning to me as you pass my desk. Fear of rejection has made me hesitant to greet people since childhood…so I never do. Noticing this, your“good mornings” have become absurdly loud and aggressive. This is taken as a not so subtle hint that it’s okay to speak to my co-workers.

At first alarmed, soon I start to subconsciously and then consciously look forward to these early morning encounters. When I hear your footsteps approaching my body freezes in silent anticipation. The intonation I detect in your voice can affect my mood for far longer than it reasonably should. When your greeting is warm and ecstatic what has otherwise been a dull and dreary morning seems brighter and full of possibilities for the next half hour. I’m almost happy to be there. When your tone sounds forced or unenthusiastic, 30 minutes of regret that I even took the job follows. When you say nothing at all there’s a confirmation of my belief that people like you are never friendly with me unless they want something; my initial distrust was justified.

I remember the first time you talked to me and asked me about myself with no other mention of work. There had been a few prior conversations at my desk but they were all predicated on the topic of breakfast (one of my duties) or some other HR issue. You asked me about a book I was reading and my favorite types of literature. As the subject turned to the discounts we received as part of our jobs you told me about a recent trip to Austin with your friends and family. It was at this point in the conversation when you asked if I had any friends. I was caught off guard. For one, it’s the type of question you would only ask of somebody that you suspected did not have any friends. Despite my downtrodden demeanor I had at least attempted to create the illusion of some sort of social life by keeping the picture of Erika, Joanna, and I at my 30th birthday party on my desk. In an attempt to avoid giving a straight answer, I pointed to the picture and mumbled something about my friends moving to Reno. What surprised me is your question did not offend me. In fact, in a weird way it made me feel that maybe you understood me in a way my prejudices would not have allowed me to believe off the bat. We couldn’t be any more opposite; you radiate sunshine while I shade everything I come in contact with. Conversing with almost everyone who crosses your path as you trek around the office in multi-colored sundresses while your dark brown hair flies around freely like a young Joan Baez on one day, and sleek office wear with high heels the next, I was not alone in feeling my gray workdays brightened by your presence. Here, in quiet conversation unhurried by the hustle and bustle of morning office traffic, your usually bubbly aura has taken a softer, almost vulnerable tone. If I were crazy I’d say I detect the nervous, self-awareness we often display when meeting someone for the first time, the anxiety I know far too well since I tend to carry it far longer than most. For the first time you appear to me as a person, a peer, rather than an unstoppable, unreachable force of positivity and assertiveness.

It’s not always easily evident why certain people seem to have the ability to disarm or elate almost everyone around them. As I got to know you I surmise it’s often small, subtle things that easily go unnoticed but holistically creates a social gravitational pull. Your will to seek out those that are lonely, and provide a smile or greeting when no one else will. The treble and shake in your voice when you’re upset or sad that conveys your genuineness and signals, “confide in me, you are safe.” The same genuineness when your voice sharpens as you get angry. The paradoxical and maybe even subconscious way you always ends up wishing the subject of your ire the best. The reminders of one’s potential and motivation to aim higher provided in one of your pep talks that can make even Tony Robbins envious.

“If you can’t help yourself, no one can.” This is your mantra; relayed subliminally in your many appeals for me to take better care of myself, mentally and physically. “Look good, feel good.”

Once, you told me about St. Jude, the patron saint of seemingly lost or impossible causes. When everything seems lost and you feel like quitting, call on St. Jude for perseverance. Sometimes I wonder if you're aware that the impact you have on those around you almost makes you worthy of veneration.

I've spent the past couple of weeks trying to determine where my fear of abandonment comes from. Ever since I was an adolescent I've had the expectation that everybody I meet will dislike me. The few seemingly charitable people who may attempt to befriend me are duplicitous or will hate me at some point in the future.

In grade school I was relatively free of shame and probably had too much trust that strangers had my best interests at heart. As I reached puberty an innate fear of embarrassment and rejection developed into something more hindering than your normal teenage angst.

I would walk through the hallway in middle school and high school and tell myself that every single person who crossed my path looked at me funny. I assumed any whisper under a passerby's breath was some form of objection to my presence that I just couldn't make out. I took to hiding in the bathroom stall during lunch and taking unusual routes home and to school just to avoid as many people as possible.

This pattern continued until my later college years when I finally discovered what "liquid courage" meant. In hindsight alcohol has never quite made me sociable but it did provide a temporary relief from my manic, constant sense of self or more specifically sense of self in relation to other people.

As is the norm with people of my ilk, drinking to fit in turned to self-medicating before practically any situation where I had to come into contact with people. Vodka in a water bottle before class and a couple of shots during my walk to my dead end job at a pizza parlor. Habit turns to addiction and addiction turns to dependency; the functional alcoholic gradually stops functioning; a “come-to-Jesus” moment likely in a hospital of some sorts where the lush realizes they need help. Every alcoholic war story is practically the same so the details don’t matter but it’s what comes next that would be my blessing and my curse.

My senior year of college I was first introduced to antidepressants (and psychotropic medications in general). I had no real expectations as all I heard were horror stories about children becoming suicidal or that they were just plain ineffective. About a week or two on bupropion and I developed a pep in my step at work and school I’d never experienced before. Now I’m waking up at daybreak to plan my days and taking light jogs in the morning. The sertraline curbed my anxiety to the point that I could actually talk to people without overthinking every single word that came out of my mouth. Somehow a couple people actually considered me worth being around and I gained a couple of friends.

This is the beginning of a cycle I’ve struggled through repeatedly over the years. During this time my life feels content and I’m no longer bothered by the negative self-speak instructing me to trust one. I start to feel like I’m normal. I’ve never felt normal before. After a while I feel like I am fine and I no longer need the assistance of medication. It’s too expensive, scheduling appointments with my doctor is too difficult; the withdrawal symptoms are too much. I may do just fine for a month or even a few months after stopping with no seemingly negative effects. Somewhere down the line self-doubt and negative self-talk starts to creep back in gradually. I read into the actions of everyone around me and look for any perceived slight. If I don’t hear from somebody for a week or two it’s obvious they don’t want anything to do with me anymore. I tell myself that I need to be “proactive” and prepare myself for the imminent betrayal.

At first my outward behavior may not change dramatically though it eventually becomes passive-aggressive. When I’m alone, especially at night, the paranoia I felt when walking through the school halls come flooding back to me. Everyone I’ve ever felt close to has left me and it’s about to happen again. I was foolish enough to let my guard down and let someone hurt me one again.

Pretty soon my anxiety gets to the point that my nights literally become sleepless. I’ll pace back and forth and chain-smoke outside until 3:00 in the morning before sitting in my car until it’s time to leave for work. When this becomes unbearable, I go back to the one method which always (never) helps subdues my brain and I’m drinking myself to sleep every night. Eventually there are drunken outbursts of accusation and frustration and fear of the spurn I’ve created inside my head and everyone I care about has left. The cycle is complete and I’m alone again.

I talked with my therapist the other day about why this keeps happening and what the underlying causes could be. She seems to believe that emotional abandonment by those who cared for me as a child fuels the self-esteem issues I have today. I can agree that people without emotional support at home tend to look for it elsewhere. There is the saying “Friends come and go but family is forever.” But what comfort is that if your family is invalidating or at worst unhealthy?

I’ve been through the cycle before but this one hurts the most. For one, it was the most avoidable. Why did I ever stop taking meds. Why did I ever pick up a drink. Why didn’t I do something about it all once I realized I was on this path again. But further, usually I can point so some perceived flaw in the other person that may help me part with a tiny bit of the blame however wrong I may be. Erika and Joanna, though I loved, could be similarly emotionally aloof or inconsiderate as I when they pleased. Maureen was an irresponsible moocher I had nothing in common with. Irene was a junkie. Nolan just couldn’t handle.

But this time seems different. Whenever my child-like anxieties flared the verbal assurances I always wanted seemed to be there for once. Vulnerability did not seem to be punished or scorned as it always had been in the past. In a way, the traits I’ve longed to see in so many people only to be disappointed were finally present. Losing people I’d known much longer had hurt far less.

0 notes