#i am obviously the oldest
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a rant about family and dated beliefs, alternatively titled “I’m so tired of trying to explain why people should care about other people and maybe do a little research sometimes”
The holidays are weird because you see family you haven’t seen in months and there’s always a bit of reconciling the person you remember with the person in front of you.
I love my dad, but every time he expresses his opinions about certain things, I realize he’s not quiet as liberal as he insists he is. He’s not a bad person, but his opinions are definitely coloured by his age. It also doesn’t help that he starts each expression of his beliefs with “I haven’t dug too deep into BLANK, but--”.
This specifically came up when he bought a book about Harry Potter for white elephant and he was surprised no one wanted the book because, you know, JK Rowling is a huge transphobe. A few days later, we were out walking and he brought the book up and, when I explained why no one wanted it, his response was: “Now, I don’t know a lot about JK Rowling, but I respect how she stands by her convictions.” According to him, people are too easy to give in to pressure and apologize when they don’t actually mean it. To which I pointed out that people are upset with her not just because she’s a transphobe (which is shitty and an entirely valid reason not to support her) or that she won’t apologize (which is also shitty), but she’s now doing it unprompted and has apparently discarded her reputation of beloved children’s book author for aggressively transphobic woman who won’t shut up about her deeply upsetting and harmful opinions. There are plenty of shitty people in the public eye who haven’t apologized or who have done so disingenuously (Woody Allen, Roman Polanski, Johnny Depp, etc). The difference is that I recognize their shittiness and they have, for the most part, faded into the background, oftentimes shamed into backing off at least enough to be easily ignorable. JK Rowling is not in the same camp. We all know she has awful opinions. People have told her as much. instead of keeping those opinions to herself, as most reasonable people do when they are told that said opinions are entirely out of line, insensitive, and have actively ruined millions of people’s relationship with an important piece of media that was a world wide cultural phenomenon (this is JK specific), she’s doubled down.
It’s disappointing. On multiple fronts.
1. I’m almost thirty (ugh) and haven’t read Harry Potter in at least a decade. I’m just not interested.
2. JK Rowling’s been very public in her hate and the blanket “people should stand by their convictions” is old fashioned and doesn’t take into account the impact certain people’s convictions/opinions can have and how damaging they can be. How crushing. It’s not that hard to look up.
3. When you’ve got two queer kids, you think you’d be a little more considerate. I’m admittedly not out in an official capacity, but it’s a pretty open secret in my family and this certainly doesn’t make me want to tell him any time soon.
He also doesn’t get why my sister and I are adamantly against Jordan Peterson and tends to makes light of it every time he brings it up (I’m never the one to do it because why the fuck would I?)
While I entirely believe people have a right to their opinions and can totally stand by them however much they want, not all opinions are created equal and I have every right not to listen to said opinions if I don’t want to. It’s when people’s opinions are harmful or damaging or outright wrong that I have an issue. I am not perfect, but I will always try to do better, and I am not a better person by simply ignoring transphobic or misogynistic or xenophobic etc. opinions, especially when voiced by people with influential and highly visible platforms such as JK Rowling or Jordan Peterson or Marjorie Taylor Greene or Jason Kenney or whoever the fuck else. This is even more important now. The Overton Window has shifted dramatically to the right and people are becoming more and more comfortable saying things regardless of the impact they might have.
My mum is of the same mindset and even has some questionable opinions when it comes to trans people that are generally exhausting to listen to. The difference is I see her far more often and have gotten very good at steering the conversation away any of the above (she’s very much out of sight out of mind and feels my sister and I are overreacting to the JK stuff without making any effort to look into it). Unfortunately, they are both baby boomers and they’re go to move is to get angry whenever someone disagrees with them.
All of this is to say that everyone has the right to their opinions, but it doesn’t mean they are free from consequence. Things change, society changes. What used to be acceptable, might be looked at in a different light than it used to. If someone has a valid reason for not supporting someone, respect that. Cancel culture is not “that guy disagrees with me about my favourite book/movie/pair of pants”. If a person is getting cancelled (and I really hate using that term), it’s because they’ve done something considered socially/ethically/professionally etc. unacceptable. If a person hates a whole group of people simply for using gender neutral pronouns (Jordan Peterson), not is confused by, but actively hates, they are an asshole and deserve your anger. If a person refuses to acknowledge a person’s chosen gender identity and views them as less than human for it (JK Rowling), they are an asshole and deserve your anger. If a person takes over a company, allows people who were banned for hate speech to return and removes any safeguards that were put in place to make said company usable for as many people as possible while standing up against those who are actively trying to cause harm (Elon Musk), they are an asshole and deserve your anger.
You can love people even if you disagree with them. You can (should) even create boundaries for yourself to maintain your relationships in a way that keeps you safe and comfortable. I would encourage it! It’s up to you to decide what you’re willing to let go and when things have gone a step too far. But it is important, if not necessary, to stand up for what is right and protect those who need it, including yourself.
Boycott that book/movie/social media site. Punch that Nazi. Vote in your local, provincial, and federal elections. Just make sure to do good, be good, and always try to make the world a little bit of a better place.
Happy holidays.
#sorry this is so long#rant#not all opinions are created equal#my family's all left and i plan to do absolutely nothing until i return to work on wedesday#*wednesday#because i'm exhausted#i love my family#but they're a lot#my sisters also a dick when she's tired or hungry#but has never learned to manage her behaviour because she's the youngest and could do not wrong#i am obviously the oldest#and a virgo#and am constantly trying to fix things and follow arbitrary guidelines because it's the way my mind works#i'm working on it#family#family relationships#the holidays are hard
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Happy new years… let’s stay hydrated together ✨
#I didn’t end up going to the rave just stayed in with my buddies and had KFC (( Korean fried chicken )) and laughed til we cried so#it was still a wonderful start to the new year 💞🥰💞#but the fwb wanted pics of my potential rave look so I figured eh I brought the stuff anyways#and now I’m imagining locking eyes with a stranger on the warm and writhing dance floor#the beat thumps and shakes and rattles the air in our breath as the spotlights dance in the reflections of our held gaze#he pushes his way through the crowd with a singular stare and a wicked smile on his face#I smile and turn my back on him arching myself so he knows I am giving what he’s looking for#I take careful steps through the revelry toward the edge where the crowd thins out#I prop myself up on an available stool in a lonely corner of the club as he closes the distance between us#“now I wonder why you dragged me all the way here” he utters in a playful growl “trying to get far away from the crowd?”#I smile and I nod. “obviously. can’t really do what I want with you out there”#his eyes perk up and his smile gives away the desire building inside him. “yeah? why don’t you show me then.”#“I thought you’d never ask” I smirk. I reach down into my pants and pull out my phone#“so this one is blue. he’s the oldest but he’s sooooo sweet. and that’s Eva. my only girl she’s sassy but she loves swea-” he leaves#whaddahell I say demurely whimpering even… whaddahell…#gpoy
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BABY TIME (hopefully). abby and dai lu decided theyre ready to try ivf and thankfully dai lu happened to have a brother whos young dumb and full of cThe Reproductive Fluid Needed To Create A Fetus
#ts4#s#*soju save#i really am speedrunning this mostly bc dai lu is like. halfway through her young adulthood and i dont need her being an elder when their -#- oldest child gets to hs#also. obviously abby is gonna be carrying the baby not dai lu#u would think i wouldnt need to make this clear but i had anons ask me if dante was dating his grandma bc she had the same name as his gf#so. i dont trust tumblrs media literacy#*abigail gen
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(modern got hc)
Theon let's Rickon play games on his phone just about whenever he wants and secretly loves scrolling through all of the terrible photos/videos the kid takes (even if it takes up all his storage).
#he bought Minecraft (pe) for him and they shared a world together#rickon also played pocket frogs. paper toss. all of the dumb ways to die games. furdiburb (if anyone actually knows that game). and-#amateur surgeon (which theon should *not* let him play. but oh well)#he also gets him Toca Boca games for birthdays/holidays or when he needs to bribe him#if Rickon was attached to him at the hip prior to earning phone rights he most certainly is now#they buddy up when they go out with the family so Rickon can sit next to him#he likes to show Theon what he's doing#Theon thinks its entertaining#totally started cause theon woukd be forced to watch the littles from time to time since he was the oldest and this was the easiest way to-#keep Rickon from bolting and noe its just normal for them#theon and rickon being besties is my agenda#theon greyjoy#rickon stark#got#game of thrones#asoiaf#obviously this is a modern and a slightly less sucky/making it work/not a dumpster fire of a family au#I am delusional about my silly little man theon Greyjoy#just ignore me
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my little cousin is my favorite child in the world but her parents are not currently home and she just broke down crying because she wants to be in her room alone by herself/wants to play on her mom's phone and sure i managed to calm her down without yelling at her or anything but let me tell you right now i do not have it in me to be a good parent
#lord knows my mom would've smacked me by now and obviously i'd rather jump off a cliff before hitting any kid#nor do i wanna just give her my phone or something and pawn her off#so i have to swallow my impatience and handle it for now#(my uncle has been in the hospital since yesterday so my aunt and mom have been in and out of the house and i'm the oldest one here)#i am. SUCH an impatient person it's not even funny#i don't have the patience for children#they deserve all the love and care in the world and i am so incapable LMAO
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not my mom complaining that my sister never listens or follows directions as if that's not literally due to her never getting consequences for anything she does
#like obviously she's not gonna do what you tell her to do#because every time you tell her what to do she know it's empty and meaningless#it's such a pain being the parentified oldest sister because i'm constantly battling between 'its not my job to raise her so who cares'#and 'i could do this better why don't they listen to me'#and ik i'm only thinking about any of this BECAUSE of the parentification#but like i'm begging them to just give her 1 ONE measly consequence#or otherwise she'll never learn. she'll just keep understanding that if she refuses enough#my mom will back down because it's easier to back down than to raise her right#and my dad is as uninvolved as you can be without being NC#i know i'm only the way that i am because of my own personality traits not anything external
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How Digimon Universe Invokes Myth
I had a horrible, horrible epiphany about Appmon that I am compelled to share.
So, as I was writing my Appmon analysis thoughts, considering how Appmons main thesis of using kindness to fight the singularity and how that stands in antithesis to the self-fulfilling prophecies so common in myth where going out of your way to fight something is what makes it come to pass in the first place. The most notable example to me was the Greek Myth where Uranus was overthrown by his children who he prevented from being born, hurting their mother Gaia in the process. In turn his son, Cronus, was overthrown by his children whom he ate, and his son Zeus, who was prophesied to be overthrown by his son, consumed his child’s mother before he could conceive the child of his doom. And the God Grades were named after Greek gods this season. In my head this was a sort of side note. A cool little detail. Not that this is exclusive to myth (hey Kung Fu Panda II) or anything. But myths are the foundation of human storytelling. Even today it’s something that gets used quite a lot. Because it's such a terrible, human concept. Using violence out of fear against people motivates them to want to use violence against you.
Now if you want a recap of what I said somewhere else that I don’t care to look for, Appmon argues against it, basically Appmon is a battle between Denemon’s children. While one of his children goes rogue and kills him, fulfilling the prophecy of the singularity. He does not overthrow humanity because ultimately through the kindness he (and Haru) showed, Minerva (and Yuujin and the Appmon), remained loyal to humanity. Even though Appmon grew strong enough to overthrow humanity, they didn’t. Now I have an additional thought, that being Uranus, while defeated, still exists as the sky. Just like Denemon, though killed still exists. Does that mean anything? I don’t know.
Then I was thinking about how Digimon does gender in all its different seasons. And how Appmon was the most baffling. Because okay. Digimon aren’t consistent and they can have gender sometimes. But those are usually in the series where digimon aren’t man-created AI. So what the heck Appmon. Why do you have gender? And your appmon have parents? Parents have only been used for digimon in Xros (the season infamous for implying digimon sex), and Frontier, where digimon very much so had gender, but also were born from reincarnating eggs whose gender did not seem set in stone. Both seasons, which took the more “Digimon are naturally existing fantasy monsters” rather than “Digimon are AI monsters born from human influence” approaches. Are they AI born from humans? You can’t give me two completely conflicting stories about Appmon’s existence.
Or can you?
So I’ve taken a few classes on myth and religion through the years. And unfortunately due to reasons I have mythology fresh on the brain. But the idea that myth contains conflicting stories about things is one that was discussed. Myths generally weren’t told as one continuous story of truths. They were told as independent stories. While they were regarded as truths, you weren’t supposed to think deeply about the discrepancies because these are stories of the divine. Beyond perfect human understanding. The individual stories each said something about the society. Each story held its own truth, relying on a consistent cast of characters. An example is how there are two, semi-conflicting stories of the creation of man in Genesis. This results from the fact that at one point these were two separate stories, each meant to illustrate a point about the world. It was only after they were gathered and codified did we consider them part of one story.
But this also got me to remember what gods are. They are divine representations of things. For instance it is not that Gaia represents the earth or governs it. It is that Gaia is the earth. Hades is also the name for the underworld. Gatchmon is a search app. Appmon are to Gods, the way Apps are to natural phenomenon. Appmon are modern gods. Now this isn’t the first time Digimon tipped its toes into myth. It has digimon who are representatives of all sorts of preexisting myths. But they don’t enact these myths. Perhaps they will be referenced as having godlike influence in their reference books, but they will not be worshiped like gods in the texts (anime, Manga, games) themselves. They invoke these myths, but they are not myths themselves.
The apps are personified in the way the gods are personified. Gatchmon is like a human comprehension of the search engine. Search engines exist, finding and sorting knowledge in ways that are beyond the average human comprehension. Search engine giving irrelevant knowledge? Gatchmon messing with you. Search engine giving you the perfect search result. Gatchmon. Music app algorithm playing songs you hate? Musimon. Music app playing the exact song you were in the mood for? Musimon. Phone randomly reboots… Rebootmon. In the same way the gods of myth toyed with human lives, causing them pain and suffering. Disease, love and fertility were all products of the gods. Appmon toy with humans in the same way. People earn the favor of the AI the same way the Greeks earned the favor of the Gods. Through sacrifice. In this case the sacrifice of their personal data.
So how can apps have parents? And go to school? And have genders? The same way that God’s have gender, have affairs and have parents. The way. Appmon live an existence beyond human comprehension and beyond the human flow of time. Appmon go to school for the same reason that there are myths of the gods cheating, and fighting and stealing among each other getting into petty grudges. App Fusion charts is like the genealogy of the gods. But for the Apps. It is the way that some Apps use other Apps to improve their functions. The way search apps will reference locations or the weather if you ask it to look those things up. The way Apps relate to each other, communicating using AI that builds upon each other. We wouldn’t have video calls if it weren’t for camera apps or phone calls already existing. The stories of the Appmon going to school, or having parents is the representative explanation for why things are the way they are. This app was never released? It failed app school. This App references these two? Those two Apps are its parents. Some Apps come into existence fully formed. Some do have parents. SOME APPS ARE BOTH, THE TRUTH NOT UNDERSTOOD BY MORTAL MEANS AND ONLY RELEVANT TO THE STORY THAT IS BEING TOLD. APPMON ARE MERELY OUR COMPREHENSION OF THE FORCES THAT GOVERN OUR LIVES.
So now having established that, Appmon is a modern myth. A story of what’s to come, and the characters, the Apps, that rule our modern lives. Digimon Universe is the Ragnarok, the Book of Revelations of our modern age. Obviously it is not a true myth. It’s a children’s show. But it invokes the patterns of myth so I’m calling it as I see it.
#I haven’t seen Kung Fu Panda II in years.#My family only owns the first.#I may have only actually seen it once in my life.#But it was the first example I came up with#and the only one I could think of#So your stuck with it.#How serious should you take this?#Hell if I know#I am just sharing my vision#In all seriousness my first 3 or so points were serious epiphanies I had#after that it sort of devolves into me making connections#And anything can be anything if you think about it hard enough#This may focus on Greek and Abrahamic beliefs#but that was just what was on the brain.#Also to be fair the Greek myths are the one referenced by the god grades#Obviously I’m not an expert in Mythology. Or Appmon.#I could probably make an argument for all stories because all stories take after other ones and a lot of our oldest stories are myth.#But I thought too hard about Appmon gender so here
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i hate dean winchester. i despise him. how dare people write good fics about him. how dare these fics make me remember things.
#sammy gotta eat. maybe even i gotta eat#you are the oldest#+ you should take the food out of your mouth if your sister isn't getting enough#sounding a lot like#and yeah <3#can't believe i ever thought i was fiona gallagher type of oldest sibling#i obviously am dean winchester type of oldest one#i cry myself to sleep knowing that i am leaving home in september#she had the best life and they never told her no but what if they start now#while i am not here#what should i do then#vent#trauma vent
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I want BatFam umbrella academy AU art. Now.
#batfam#text post#textposts#shit post#why am i like this#umbrella acedmy#JASON CAN BE KLAUS OKAY#Damien is Five#obviously Dick is Luther because he’s the oldest#or should Tim be Klaus so Jason can be Ben… since… ya know#but Tim’s demeanor is more like Ben in the first seasons#and forcing those two together is so funny#which murder sibling to cast as Diego…#I think Steph kinda has Allison vibes
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[strums guitar] i'm so tired of covid and of thinking about how selfish people have made it even worse
#tired of worrying i have it every time i feel weird for one second#tired of worrying about my grandpa getting it and especially when we go to visit him#tired of remembering that it's been two years and it's not going anywhere because people decided they didn't care#to be clear i am worried about all my family but my grandpa is obviously the oldest and has asthma and other stuff so#chilly chats
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in theory im very good at reading but in practice i cant read SHIT unless its in the perfect font with the perfect spacing so buying physical non-comic books is So difficult. why do online listings never put a picture of the page layout. i need to know how bad your paragraph spacing is. can i email my local bookstore and ask if they can take a pic of a page. is that allowed
#comics im mostly fine with (although ive realized i read some things like particularly manga easier than others)#(like if you tell me to read a superhero comic i'll die. mostly because of 'creative' font choices (whatever was going on in batman year 1))#(but comics with clear simple fonts and generous spacing between the text and the edges of the speech bubbles helps a lot)#(and a lot of translated manga is formatted that way so maybe thats why? just theorizing tho lol)#but with written novels im a MESS#i need large spacing around the text to the edge of the page (1.5-2cm in mass market paperbacks is okay but if a trade paperback doesnt have#at LEAST a inch or an inch and half around the text blocks i'll die irl)#i also need the font to be a good solid medium or smaller size so large print books are out for me#also the spacing between letters needs to be standard but the spacing between words and ESPECIALLY the spacing between paragraph breaks#needs to be a little bigger#USUALLY sans serif fonts are better for me but a good standard ass serif like times new roman works like as long as its clear and blocky#and the printing of the words needs to be CRISP like okay i wanted to read no longer human because of its influence#so i went to the store to check out the translated copies but then i was killed on impact when i saw how fuzzy and fucked up the text was#girl i cant read that. girl help.#AND LIKE the solution is obviously just reading more ebooks BUT I LIKE reading books physically 😔#easier to remember what books im reading and where i am in them that way jfklskfjdsa#sorry its just i love reading but my reading ability is mysterious and unpredictable HJKFLDSHJDKF#im trying to get a copy of phantom of the opera and im dying. not only are there 1000000 million translations. there is also...#100000 million different printings of the oldest public domain translation JFKLDSHJDKL:Ss#pray for me#luckily 99% of the books i read at least are from the library or borrowed from someone so i can check the font beforehand#but my library doesnt have everything RIP
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Oh yeah, I am clearly a great brother, lmao
#i technically the second oldest of 4. but also i don't have many proper memories from before being 33#also i am definitely being a little shit towards rudolf like. 90% of the time. as is my duty. obviously#also ulrich is a baby (25 years old). a teeny tiny baby (i don't think he's technically much shorter than me)#and paul is. actually i have no idea what he's doing most of the time. possibly unaware of his own existence at the moment#god i wish#-hans#about rudolf#about ulrich#about paul#to think i was just the brother to a side character at the beginning. not that i'm much more but still
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@jeoseungsaja | the GBEP
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Among the many animals to hop and hunt and run about forest floors, foxes aren't exactly the strongest on the list. Take a red fox, it usually shares its habitat with bears and wolves, or even elks and deer not small enough to be prey, large enough to not be competition but certainly threat.
That's perhaps where the legend of the 'cunning fox' had come from, who knows. A small predator who knows its way around quick, small feet, who slinks and rests its chances of survival on agility, and on needing less to survive than other predators in its area much better at killing, much better at eating.
But, being so small, being so nimble, being up against competitors with larger jaws, larger paws... foxes are easily frightened, too.
At least in Yuri's case.
At least in Rang's case.
A fox' cry has been compared to the pained, terrified screeching of a female voice for good reason.
Yuri is looking at Yeo with the large eyes of a cornered animal, not of a predator who thinks itself at an advantage in a fight. Yuri doesn't believe in her prowess to fight against Yeo because she's arrogant, misguided, but because she needs to win against the bigger threat, because her survival depends on it.
Yuri doesn't stare Yeo down because she wants to take him down but because she has to get him to understand, as subconscious as the urge may be, that she will die in an attempt to remove him, if he threatens what little she has:
Rang.
Rang and her, two foxes, sœur et frère, bones exposed, hinds lame, in the woods somewhere.
She doesn't like his attitude at all. He stinks. Stinks of inhuman blood, of healing wounds, of age and expertise, he looks arrogant in her eyes, threatening for the position in Rang's life he occupies, the spot she doesn't understand. Why care about him at all? He looks like he's just waiting for the right opportunity to die.
Good.
Die.
One less thing to worry about, she thinks, with all the malice of a child who doesn't understand what death is.
I hope you die, the child says, thinking death means nothing at all, only understanding 'oh, how quickly adults pale at the word'.
Her gaze flickers between the door and him repeatedly, chewing his words over. She's not particularly witty, words mean little when she has claws and teeth, she's never used them to fight. She doesn't have a good retort, even if her eyes narrow in understanding that she's being target of mockery.
All the more reason to shoulder past him into his den.
She explores his place with her nose first, two steps in - flowery - before turning to stare at him again.
"I'm not scared. Or concerned. I'm bothered. By you. You sound like far more trouble than you're worth."
#jeoseungsaja#the half fox;guest muse#the half fox;yuri#BACK AT IT AGAIN WITH YA GIRL GOSH I COULDA SWORN I REPLIED TO THIS? 🥺 booboothefooling again 🥺#sneaks in a Hozier lyric HEHEHEHEHEHEHE (not me adding french to make it rhyme with 'somewhere'- get a load of THIS hozier-)#THANK YOU SO SO SO SOS O MUCH FOR ENJOYING THIS LIL WHIM OF MINE AND PLEASE KNOW THAT#I STRUGGLE TO READ THROUGH YOUR REPLY WITHOUT TRANSCENDING A LITTLE YES INDEED YES INDEED#READING ON ONLY TO FIND OUT SO MUCH OF YEO'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE#IS DEDICATED TO BEING GLAD BECAUSE HE'S FINDING OUT RANG ISN'T ALONE??????#ALEX????? THOSE HAPPY TEAR SWEATERS NOW INCLUDE ACTUAL TEARS???? OF ME?????? WRITING WITH YOU??????????#THANK YOU MOST MAGNIFICENT WONDERFUL ALEX FOR WRITING THESE THINGS WITH ME DANGNABBIT DANGNABBIT#DON'T WORRY DON'T WORRY I GUARANTEE YOU YURI WILL BE PART OF THE WANG YEO HYPE SQUAD SOON ENOUGH#i'm actually PRETTY serious about this tbh because??? I MEAN??? SHE'S PRETTY RECKLESS TOO YKNOW#if she finds out Yeo is out there going 'i'm solving a few problems by fighting them to death' she'll 'WAIT CAN I COME TOO'#she'll reverse adopt him too i am so sorry he'll be the oldest sibling with two completely unhinged youngsters#she'll be the absolutely deranged youngest child there's no saving there's no escaping#I MEAN OBVIOUSLY WE DON'T HAVE TO GO DOWN THAT ROUTE IT'S JUST TO UNDERLINE HOW#SHE'S BEING FEISTY AND CRANKY BC SHE'S PROTECTIVE SHE'LL DIG HIM SUPERS FAST#BECAUSE HE'S WANG YEO AND NONE OF US ARE IMMUNE TO YOUR WRITING HIM#;queue
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I... At one hand.... Like... And enjoy the fact me and my oldest brother have gotten... Closer since I moved away from home? But I am also so painfully aware I probably won't ever be 100% comfortable with him and have a great relationship with him...
#miranda talking shit#Hi. I was viciously bullied especially verbally but also physically hurt by my two older brothers from 4-8 to#And I still am deeply scared of them and can't have an normal conversation with them without feeling bad anxiety#My oldest brother did it LESS bc he's 11 years older than me so he... Knew better sooner. He didn't bully me#Hardcore but he definitely screamed at me and got angry for small things#So I... Even now we have talked every Monday for over a year but still I... Get anxious about it#We play games together and as soon as I mess out I panic internally bc I am waiting for him to blow up and scream at me#He haven't. But he have gotten obviously annoyed a few times and I'm ajjfjsjwjjf hah#I wish I COULD let it go. I don't hold a grudge against him. But I still am scared#It's a shame bc he's.... The closest sibling I have and I still have a barrier setup bc I fear him#Family
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🥺
#one day i wanna post on ao3.... idk how brave i am to like post under my username but#id def anon a lot if i ever were to start postin#im really scared of hate aha#especially for the. things i wanna tap into#i wldn prolly write blatantly Disgustin things like the stuff ppl consider profic or wtv but my brain is unable to generate normal ideas#dats nawt to say im opposed to those things in fiction hehe. i welcome em with open arms But i still have my preferences n limits#a lot of things id ljke to explore in terms of Mika dat i don see ppl bring enuff attention...#PROJECTION BEAM but orphanage stuff. literally no one ever talks abt this i wish there were more works goin in depth on my past#even if im dead set on it bein in accordance with My Own memories as an introjectie#i jus wud love to see ppls visions#but also like okay Somethin happened okay? somethin bad happened.#obviously a lil guy can hate it & b rebellious n run away on several occasions Without smth groundbreakingly bad happenin but in my case#it did!#in hindsight i still believe those memories t shelterin our own trauma under thr guise of source but who knows when ill uncover dat#so yeha for now i live with transmika orphanage trauma HE DID NAWT hvae a good time. despite findin a lot of comfort in his At The Time sibs#especially bein the oldest out of the girls -> feelin sum sense of responsibility n havin to 'grow up' faster akin to an oldest sibling role#while still bein. a kiddo & extremely vulnerable esp in the face of the caregivers#anyway trauma trauma abuse abuse#sorry i can only ever see mika thru the lens of our/my experiences. i wldn wabt it any other way tho
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Not enough: Anthony Bridgerton x reader
(Part 2 to too much)
„I am so terribly sorry for the inconvenience I might have brought on you with my sudden appearance-” she started while walking inside the place of her destination or, to put it more bluntly, after fleeting from her own house upon not-so-subtle fight with her still-husband.
„Y/n! Nonsense my dear, your presence is always welcomed here.” she heard in response and for the first time since the argument she managed to look into the eyes of another person as well as take in the scene in front of her.
Oh dear lord!
Her timing couldn’t be more wrong.
Apparently the only person who was missing from the widow viscountess Bridgerton household was the queen herself, since not only the lady of the house alongside with all her unmarried daughters were enjoying the afternoon tea, but - to Y/N’s very well hidden terror - the duchess and lady Danburry were present as well.
„duchess.” Y/N bowed in the most polite manner she could even though her knees were shaking „lady Danburry.”
Act like nothing happened.
Behave like a lady and not like a little kid, who came her to pour all her worries and tell on her husband who happened to be mean. The last thing she needed was for everyone to talk about her nervousness and giddiness. None of those ladies would be easily fooled and most definitely not lady Danburry with her nosy nature and piercing gaze.
The point was to visit her favourite sister-in-law Eloise who- luckily - were free of any marriage troubles and gain some perspective but that scenario flew away with the gentle summer breeze faster than Y/N could think.
And now she would be kindly invited to join the tea and the respect for widower viscountess alongside with the obligation to the higher positioned duchess (even if family) would forbid her from declining.
„Y/N.” Daphne sent her that tiny, quite shy smile that didn’t calm the nerves even in the slightest. Yes, the duchess was one of the most polite and subtle person in the society, but she was also happily married with another baby on the way.
„Viscountess Bridgerton.” the oldest, lady Danburry on the opposite was known from her sharp tongue and straightforward attitude. That one did not pull her punches.
„My dearest Y/N.” Violet Bridgerton, the mother in law stood up from her place and hugged the girl close. Obviously she was the most open one with her emotions. And the simple warm welcome made Y/n feel a bit strengthened to the point when she even gave a little smile. Tiniest, but honest and still visible.
„Is Anthony with you my dear?’
„Unfortunately my husband is absorbed with the matter of the household today.” Y/N explained, taking a seat next to Violet. „I was rather confused with all the men’s affairs, which brought me here.”
„confused?” Eloise, of whose presence everyone seemed to forget scoffed from her book „You are way smarter that Anthony is, Y/n!”
„Eloise!” her mother friendly scolded her second daughter
„It’s true mama!”
„Even though-’
„Did you come baring notices by any chance, viscountess?" lady Agatha cut into the family exchange innocently taking a sip of her tea, those sharp eyes of a predator glistening
„Notices?”
„Yes viscountess, notices. It;s been a fair amount of time since the marriage, surely something should happen soon between two people who are lucky enough to be in love as much as yo and the viscount?”
Oh...
Oh, she meant that kind of notices.
„May this be so, Y/n?” Daphne asked seeming uncharacteristically brisk. „shall we expect?”
„I certainly hope she won’t be burdened with the heir to the title any time soon--”
‘Eloise!”
„Is it the only purpose of a woman to be obedient to a man and give him children?!”
All the four older woman in the room went quiet and Eloise realised she might have had said a little bit too much. Not only for the lady but in general.
„I suppose our dearest Y/N would love to become a mother and bless us with the little boy or girl, am I correct?”
Of course I would love to, Violet.
I would love to.
Unfortunately so it happens your oldest son refuses to even speak or look at me, let alone performing his so-called marital duty. Which is even more tragic, since I became one to him. Here is the essence of my existence - forever being reminded of the burden I put on his shoulder with storming into his life.
Obviously those thoughts were something the newest viscountess Bridgerton could not form out loud.
„I shall send the regards to my husband ladies. Certainly will not omit to inform him of the expectation placed upon us both.” was the only thing she managed to say with confidence before her voice broke and she covered the sudden wavering by reaching for the sweet placed on the nearby platter.
„Oh my dearest Y/N, it’s no obligation!” Violet seemed quite hurt by the words spoken by her daughter-in-law „Regardless - a child is always a miracle that-”
„Maybe Y/N wouldn’t have to worry about it, if Anthony were taking more interest in her rather than spending time with Benny and Colin.”
„Eloise!”
„It’s just a simple observation! Benedict and Colin are still bachelors, even though the ladies of kind are sharpening their claws for them both, considering the fact the viscountess title is not longer available. Nonetheless, neither of them seem to be interested in taking in marriage-”
‘Eloise!” Violet called upon her daughter once more
„Perhaps if they weren’t spending their times in the club, effectively convincing Anthony to go with them--”
‘Enough, young lady!”
„But-”
„Enough Eloise.”
Y/N went pale at all the words spoken. Not because of their truthfulness, but due to the fact that the word already got out. This was a calamity she was trying her best to cover up and now her favourite member of the family announced them to the world, not thinking about the possible consequences of aforementioned action.
„Y/N, are you quite all right?” Daphne was the first one to take some action „that sudden pallor cannot be good for you. Shall we take a walk?”
Naturally the little stroll around the room will be something to make her feel better. Luckily the most perceptive Eloise noticed the torpid expression on the viscountess face and, not giving her sister any chance to press the matter further, vigorously explained that Daphne certainty meant an actual promenade outside on the manor grounds and that was something y/n was more than delighted to engage in.
Presenting a perfect opportunity to actually indulge in a meaningful conversation not regarding children and submission due to a woman.
***
On the other side of the city Anthony didn’t even notice his wife’s actual absence.
How could he, when she was always present and vivid in his mind, leaving him with her image in front of his eyes even when she was away from him.
Y/N’s face and silhouette, her smile and her resonant, joyful laughter were forever carved in his mind, ever since the day she laughed at him at the lake upon their first meeting, through the first moment of stolen forbidden intimacy, up to the moment looked into her eyes while vowing to love and to cherish her.
His beautiful bride.
His beautiful wife.
Strong willed, hot headed, always having an opinion of her own and doing things her own way, capable to charm everyone with the cheerful character and most natural humor and intelligence.
All the traits that could not be bought by any of the obedient, quiet and shy ladies from high society.
All the traits that put him under her spell and made him want to spend the rest of his life with Y/n.
Only with her.
And he didn’t want to fight, he wanted the same kind of marriage his own parents were joyful to share.
It was all so perfect, until the moment those bright memories got covered with storm clouds of how he behave towards her.
Not that the viscount gave them much thoughts, too lost in his own meaningless settlements that were not due till the fore-coming month.
It was easier this way.
Forgetting about all the words he said int he moment of anger and of fear (if not mere terror) of his own emotions.
Emotions that, unfortunately, refused to be closed in a hard shell of harsh, obsessive behaviour and being ignored.
Once let out, they wanted to run free.
And oh, so they did, causing the viscount to feel dizzy and giving him palpitations.
All the marriages had their bad moments.
It was impossible to continue for years keeping the same flame that started years ago.
The wife was supposed to be obedient and comply with her husband wishes, especially not bothering him with her presence and whimsical needs or fairy-tell beliefs.
A lady was a diamond in the crown but a wife became a part of the estate, of the livestock. Forever in her husband’s hand to rule.
He was the the man.
He was the viscount and before he met her she was just another long-forgotten by admirers débutante desperate to--
No.
No this was not true and as much as it would be comfortable for Anthony to dwell in all those thoughts, his heart was still in the right place giving him a very clear signal it was time to stop justifying his previous action. Those were the foundation for a very unstable and fragile house that could be blown away easily.
Maybe it wasn’t that his emotions were too much. Maybe it was that his heart capacity was not enough to contain the amount of affection he held for his one and only.
His Y/N.
And he couldn’t have that.
He had to find her wherever she might have been.
He had to fight for her and make it all right.
Even if that meant getting back on his knees, making a scene straight out of those unrealistic romance novels ladies loved and putting it into practice.
„Where on earth is my wife?!” he yelled to the servants, opening the door to his office, his voice loud enough to make the walls shake.
I’m coming for you, my viscountess.
My love.
***
It's not over yet!
Edit: part 3 : almost there
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