#i am having a difficult time picking
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The backup characters for a campaign in which my current character will soon be leaving for a Mental Health Break™️
#art#digital art#dnd character#warforged#tiefling#goblin#i am having a difficult time picking#its still gonna be at least a month before I actually need one of these guys since we only have sessions once every other week#so i have time to decide#but damn i want to play them all#their names are Windkey Sparkle Ara and Xyq#i make great naming choices#candypencil
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it was literally their moment and they just let us watch
(if you need me i'll be marinating in this for the foreseeable future)
#magneto#rogue#rogneto#rogueneto#IT WAS SO DIFFICULT TO PICK ONLY 10 IMAGES. SOSOSOSO DIFFICULT. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCENE WAS FUCKING SUBLIME.#thank you to the person who pointed out the bg music is ace of base 'happy nation' ;wwwwwww; SUCH A GOOD SONG FOR THIS#okay but for real never have i had a stronger 'GOD I WISH THAT WERE ME' moment#magneto can we all form a queue to dance with you romantically in the air while an audience watches.............#their body language. their HANDS. OLD MAN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR TONGUE BY HER NECK#no word of a lie ive probably watched this scene 200 times today. new comfort media. inject it directly into my veins.#my husband laughing at me as i rewind and play over and over again from the other side of the room#my fave fave FAAAAVE part of this animation is the lil pan they do#the one between mags and rogue and the lyric 'where the people understand and dream of perfect man'#THERE IS SOMETHING SO SOFT AND ROMANTIC AND ADORING ABOUT IT#disintegrates like a sopping wet piece of bread. thank you animators who worked on this scene#i feel like i am burning with the excitement of a thousand suns over this#xmen 97#leigh's magneto hours
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So I was reading articles about John Hurt (as I do when I procrastinate on life in general lol) and I saw a still shot of a movie I’ve never seen still shots of before; so I looked it up. It’s a play. I was worried I wouldn’t find it in full online; but I did, so here it is in all its glory:
youtube
He’s just… ugh I want to gently hold his face in my hands he’s just so sad and lonely with his weepy voice and eye bags. I couldn’t process half of what he said but I think this is a warning about always speed-running through life to get to the next good thing. We should appreciate the moment; because in the end, we’ll have nothing at all but our memories. If we rush through life, we won’t have any memories to keep us warm at night when the chill of death creeps up on us in our old age.
Also, spool, spooooooooooollll…….
spoooooooooooooooooooooolllllll [cackles in mentally unstable]
@kaleidoscopr @theindo @possessedbydevils @randomtwospirit
#The fucking banana. I was talking to him through the screen like#“…a banana??? You keep bananas in…. there? You good man? A—are you okay?#What the hell are y—” [cracks up but quickly stops laughing] “Oh— oh honey… you’re not right are you?#No you’re not right. Uh…. Why don’t you sit down; your breathing sounds awful. You sound like you’re gonna die…#OH GOD [loses my shit laughing/cringing ] “Oh— oh ouch. No no no— I’m not laughing at you I just— I like your actor…#a lot… too much probably#and he’s just good at what he does and the timing of it all… this is exactly how I act when I’m home alone#I swear I’m not laughing at you… I just— PUT THAT BANANA BACK YOU’RE GOING TO KILL YOURSELF”#John Hurt#stage acting#Krapp’s Last Tape (2001)#Samuel Beckett#Yeah… funky stage play. Very moving and dreamlike#[This is me gently holding Mr. Krapp and rotating him in my mind like a bowl of ramen in a microwave]#Screaming crying throwing up beating the walls#I am unwell#Ough ough ough#It’s not difficult for me to watch per se#but I’m very much the kind of person who HAS to help when someone’s having a hard time doing something#— especially if they’re old or otherwise infirm — or I’ll feel like a piece of shit for weeks… and this fucking man#this fucking man is so good at being frail and pitiful that I feel genuinely agitated that I can’t reach into the screen and help him#It’s like the torture scene in 1984 all over again where he just barely manages to wrench himself upright on the table#then immediately falls off onto the concrete floor with the most tragic sickening bone-grinding splat you’ve ever heard#AND HAS TO HOIST HIMSELF UP ONTO HIS FEET ALL BY HIMSELF WHEN HE’S MALNOURISHED AND EXHAUSTED#Like ughhhhhh let me pick him up and wrap him in a blanket and carry him somewhere warm and safe and make him an omelette#And I know I write whump and I shouldn’t be this sensitive#but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST MR. HURT YOU ARE KILLING ME#Youtube
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May 2024 Books
The Hotel Under the Sand by Kage Baker (reread)
I always enjoy this one. It has a lot of Oz-like charm.
The Master Key by L. Frank Baum (reread)
I was going to try to say some clever things about the ending of this book, but I'm tired, so the short version is that the protagonist is given a series of eletrically powered gifts from the Demon of Electricity (more like a genie, don't let the name fool you), only to get into various misadventures of the type common to turn-of-the-century boys' stories (with a lot of era-typical attitudes toward non-American or -European peoples and cultures that did not age well) and finally give back the gifts and insist that mankind isn't ready for such power and "it's no fun being a century ahead." I wasn't the biggest fan of the protagonist (rather a jerk), and the story was less interesting to me than the historical context and what it demonstrated of perspectives toward technology at the beginning of the twentieth century. Baum has some interesting concepts in this one, but there's a reason that it hasn't really stood the test of time.
Heart of the Curiosity by H. L. Burke (reread)
I did not care for this one. I do not recommend it.
Archer's Goon by Diana Wynne Jones (reread)
I love this book so much, and I needed to revisit it. I love the characters. I love the twists and turns even though I know they're already coming. *SPOILERS* This time I was struck particularly by Torquil and Hathaway's reconciliation--Torquil has been avoiding his brother after a disagreement, expecting animosity, but then when they finally reunite, Hathaway is just so happy to see his brother and invites him to visit anytime and it's like the grievances never happened, and in a family as dysfunctional as theirs, this is a huge step in the right direction and a very beautiful moment.
Unexpected Magic by Diana Wynne Jones
Collection of short stories and a novella. Inventive in the Jones style, but I didn't get attached enough to any of the stories to have any likelihood of picking this one up again.
Pauline by Margaret Storey (reread)
I've been revisiting some books in light of the CEN discussion in the recent paper. This one doesn't really deal with CEN, but it does portray psychological/emotional abuse quite vividly (the antagonist at times reminded me painfully of the professor who tortured me in the Nightmare Class) and point out how damaging it is. There's a memorable scene in which a trusted adult whom Pauline turns to for help mentions to someone that Pauline has been mistreated by a family. "Is he beating her?" the other person asks. The reply: "Not physically." The acknowledgement that psychological/emotional abuse is just as hurtful and damaging in its own way as the physical kind is quite a statement for a book published in the 1960s.
Last month I reread a book also published in that decade that openly acknowledged the problems with CEN and how it's a cycle that runs in families, and I'm starting to think that that era was a point when some people were starting to more clearly see the negative effects that the likely prevalence of CEN in previous generations especially in particular classes (e.g. upper-class Victorian/Edwardian upbringings) had had. I don't know what to do with this theory, but I will continue to mull it over.
Marianne Dreams by Catherine Storr (reread)
This book isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, but I do love it a lot and I'll probably be yelling about its adaptations at some point.
All Systems Red by Martha Wells (reread)
Listen, I love Murderbot but 90% of the time I have no idea what's going on in these books since sci-fi jargon is mostly beyond me. But I was given my own copy of this book a while back and reread it, more slowly so I could wrap my mind around it better, and definitely got more out of it.
System Collapse by Martha Wells
I had to take this one slowly, but it was worth it. I love the direction that it took, with Murderbot getting involved in producing a film designed to emotionally appeal to people who are in danger of choosing an option that will result in their being enslaved--Murderbot needs the chance to work on processing its trauma, as reluctant as it is to deal with emotion, and working on the film is a big step toward catharsis.
Mother Carey's Chickens by Kate Douglas Wiggin (reread)
This one does have its charm, although I've always found it short on plot and character development (Wiggin has a habit of telling things that should have been shown, beyond the typical style of that era), but this time I had some issues with authorial favoritism toward certain characters, which you've probably already heard the rant about.
#random personal stuff#it's been a difficult month for reading#not a lot of time#I have quite a few unread books on my shelf but for whatever reason I am utterly disinclined to pick them up#and I gravitated more toward the familiar this month
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Hello, french anon here. For so many years, I have told you that I needed your wisdom and guidance to finally understand trc's ending. At last, we are finally starting to get to the confusion of all confusions. But I am slowly realising that my confusion was partly due to the fact that I know NOTHING about ccs (or any other Clamp's works) and had never seen these characters before. Having trc being my first Clamp's work was in insight, not really the best I suppose ¯\_(. . )_/¯
Also, over the years I have developed a deep hatred of all time shenanigans, because it LITERRALY cause me terrible headaches to try to understand it (is it the autism? the adhd? Am I just stupid? Mystery), so i've avoided going other this arc again. Hope with your explanations i will finally have closure.
Good luck!
~ French Anon
Thank you French Anon! I SINCERELY hope I can make any sense of it whatsoever once we get there. The Confusion is definitely not any reflection on you though - if a manga is infamous for being deliberately difficult to understand, you can never be faulted for not being able to do it on the first try. Or the second. Or ever.
And it IS a limitation of Tsubasa that it's written this way. You can't go to anyone and say, "Hey, maybe you should read Tsubasa! You might like it!" when you have to follow it up with the disclaimer of, "Oh, but wait, have you read Cardcaptor Sakura? You should probably read all of that first - and specifically the manga, and not the anime. Also you have to read xxxHolic at the same time otherwise the plotline of Tsubasa won't make sense. Oh and it would be even clearer if you had also read some other of CLAMP's works, specifically their longest ones, which are much harder to find these days. Read as much of those as possible before even starting Tsubasa."
Like I LOVE Tsubasa dearly and I genuinely think it's the greatest manga I've ever read, but I also think you should NOT have a list of required reading you have to get through in order to understand a book you're reading for fun in your free time.
So no wonder it was confusing! Definitely not a failing on your part at ALL.
#Like media is MADE to enjoy casually#You are SUPPOSED to be able to pick it up at any time and have fun#And I LOVE that Tsubasa is this complex#But it is SO DIFFICULT to recommend without the homework#So no wonder it gave you headaches!#replies#french anon#Nick also talks about other things#And if this sounds harsh to anyone else please forgive me#But I really am the spiders georg of the manga reading experience and should not be counted
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forcing myself to "eat protein" and "be responsible" after once again encountering a week long period of all my muscles hurt so bad and are so weak despite doing the same thing they always do assuming without checking that it was probably because im eating mostly coffee and plain untoasted bread in small quantities. and its not even a whey bread or 100% whole wheat, ive been trying to use up my bread flour/whole wheat blend (i dumped them in the bucket together, maybe on accident ? unclear) so its just that with whatever else i threw in. spent $6 on the only yogurt in the store that had at least 5 grams of protein per 1/4 cup, which is still very little, only to get home and finally google what the symptoms of protein deficiency are. they are not that. those are the symptoms of Who Fucking Knows, As Always
#i dont even like yogurt...#god the food situation is so bad#so it turns out i can do one of the following--but badly and it takes more than 100% of my energy and is miserable and untenable long term#and involves injuring myself to do it: school. work. taking care of stuff around the house. taking care of myself.#i can do ONE.#i also dont get to pick because obviously i have to work#so feeding myself (even like making a bowl of cereal or eating a granola bar) is so impossibly difficult that i can only really do it#at night when high and finally able to feel hunger#and even then its still incredibly difficult and i usually get as far as cutting a slice of bread and then giving up and eating it plain#most of the actual meals i eat are because my roommates are usually kind enough to make enough dinner for 3#but i also have very weird and frequently changing dietary needs that i have not communicated 2 anyone so i cant necessarily actually eat i#have cooked some and made sandwiches a few times but its very clear i am borrowing from tomorrows spoons....#i ran out of the ensure a bit ago and i will get more although none of the stores nearby sell it#but i absolutely cannot afford to live off it#have luckily found that if i just drink one in the morning it staves off the majority of the nonstop random nausea attacks#so a 12 pack would last a lot longer but then its like. so now i need to figure out the eating thing again#cant win etc etc#augh. anyway. complaining over#disordered eating#chronic illness
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that "you don't need to get into a new craft" post is a fucking curse btw now i have a mini inkle loom and a nalbinding needle coming
#the needle is in purpleheart wood tee hee#i got a four inch one which as far as i can tell is longer than average#but i want to be able to get it against my palm to get some leverage i think#i dont want to fiddle around with a 2 inch - 2 1/2 inch needle i feel like w time that would just make my fingers cramp it feels Small#the mini loom is so fucking cute also it's literally tiny#8 inches long#w a little lap rest#they SAY it's not good for beginners to learn on bc it's so small#but i have a habit of picking up a new hobby and immediately jumping into something difficult#i started getting into fiber arts literally by making lace#i am just like this#i Will learn to weave on that tiny loom#so help me god#i love a challenge w my crafts
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I’m so tired.
#how do people make friends as adults#like I’ve been at uni 3 years#I’ve joined clubs#gone to events with people#cooked dinners and had takeaways sat in the living room#and yet somehow always seem to be an after thought#I’m literally a week away from handing in my dissertation with lots of work today#and the housing situation here sucks#and two people who I’ve been talking to about housing#who know how badly it all sucks#have put in for a flat of their own without saying anything#and I get it#it’s not really a shock cause like they’re a couple that can get a 1 bed and split the cost#they’ve been together 18 months#but I’m not even worth the talk apparently.#is it me is there something fundamentally wrong with my ability to make friends#or am I just really crap at picking people out#and like. they’re not awful people don’t get me wrong#but I also reckon if I went home from here for an extended period of time.#or left after uni#I’d never see any of them again#and apparently I feel badly enough about it all that I need to shout into the void here.#something that I do not do at all#but I have no idea what I’m doing now and finding somewhere new to live that is walkable to the uni is really difficult cause#for a uni town they sure don’t like students in any of their properties#I have so much work to do I should not be worrying about any of this right now#but I’d like to just play the switch instead and forget about this project or other people for a while#and I can’t cause this is due in on Wednesday and there’s still lots to do#and I can’t even complain about it to anyone cause they all talk to each other#a little circle of gossip that just goes round and round
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I read a pretty even mix of YA and adult fiction throughout my childhood and adolescence (plus a lot of random nonfiction around the house, mainly self-help and parenting and New Age detritus from the late 1990s). The adult fiction was mostly classics, literary fiction, or chick lit, because my mom didn’t go in for more genre-y or fantastical stuff; the YA was more varied, although I gravitated away from most sci-fi/fantasy as a teen. Which is all leading up to the fact that I don’t believe there’s actually a universal significant difference in difficulty (at least regarding reading comprehension) between YA and adult fiction, at least once you get to books written for teenagers and not younger kids. Which doesn’t necessarily mean anything.
#now complexity of ideas…okay I am honestly not sure#I was very chill about thematic complexity at the time#I read the wasteland and everyone was like this is so confusing#and I was like not to me. I get this.#I picked up on the vibe#so I don’t have a lot of memories of being like this book is too complicated thematically#this book has gone on too long or has too difficult a style sure
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if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything
#i looooove my city so much you guys like if i wasnt who i am (queer) rn i would be so fucking glad that i am in my current city but#i loooove art and history and fashion and stuff and this citymight be about second best for all that but its still soo crowded#people WILL judge no matter what you wear something cutesy and people dont shut up especially when ur 16 and tagging along with your mom to#the mall or something and everyone just stares and even among your classmates ive been complimented so many times#for my unique style or whatever (aka i have beaded shoelaces and wear lots of jewelery and absurd ass eyeliner) and theyre like oh#n******** is so fancy itni stylish bandi hai woh and its so attention grabbing but i dont want it to be a big deal !!!#i want to like 20 badges and wear insane makeup and dye my hair without calling much attention to myself!!!#of course i know that will change slowly as you go in to uni and meet ppl of your type instead of a bazaar market and youll pick ur own#friends who r like minded but considering this is india how many people can you truly find.#also my next two years are going to be spent in a college for jee and neet kids#you can wear what you want theres no dress code but you have to appear serious studious and simple if you want to be taken seriously#elle woods at harvard law type#i asked my mom to get an industrial & second lobe piercing and actual dyed hair and shes like turn twenty get into a good college then do#not bc she minds she allowed me to get my hair dyed at age 13 but to go in th college im going to there is SO SO much rigour#and if you dont show yourself as professional and shit they will keep you in lower effort self study classes instead of best of the best#i KNOW how difficult moving abroad is bc my family does not have that money i need to do it myself its so so expensive bc the money#itself has such a high value compared to here (you see americans cribbing abt 30$ hourly wage but here that is 2500inr)#2500 inr is as much as an expensive pair of jeans here. expensive clothes here r 30$ and in usa its 300$ . see the diffence#im changing topics so much but sometimes i do feel this place is suffocating#its a priviledge i have that i can even think about going abroad comapred to other indians but still#dp you get what i mean#and ik movies and all are very romanticised so it might not even be this way in western cities and just an idealisation but still#if things change around here then the entire question of going anywhere is out the window anyway#smalltown boy will byers moment#dni if you read all this and plan on replying unless ur a close mutual (close mutuals u know who u are)#also if someone says why would you want to go to usa uk paris when they colonised your country shut up <3 shut up very much <3
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i have been ghosting my friends for idk a month??? and they have been doing the same??? except for when we meet in a workplace cuz somehow our jobs decided to cross over :)
#feeling so bad about it but like i cant bring myself to interact with people right now but i am also constantly sad because i dont interact#with anyone out of work :/ but working makes me socially exhausted & tbh all i wanna do is be depressed with my books & my movies &my tunes#but i also crave affection like i realize i have zero social life and i sometimes schedule some hangout with my friends but it's almost#become like idk a task? something i look at through work eyes. like- i arrange our hangouts the way i arrange work meetings. it's so sad.#i know it is. but still- i cant help it. through all my life ive been missing having a lifelong friend who knows me like the back of their#hands and i know like the back of mine. never had it. cant cry over that. it's passed. i cant invent lifelong friendships that never existed#and i gotta make peace with that. plus- what am i complaining about if im just incapable of keeping any friend for longer than a month???#after the first month- maybe the first couple of months- it all gets boring and dont get me wrong i really love my friends but somehow they#lose interest in me and i lose interest in them and we become just people who know each other and occasionally hang out but like- i've never#had a friend who's there for me when things happen in my life. i've always had friends to tell things to afterwards. like- i know i cant#really pick up the phone and say “hey. im having a bad time. can we take a walk? talk on the phone? can you tell me about your day? can you#just be here for me?“ and i cant even idk just randomly pop up with a ”oh my god i hate him i hate him i hate him it's a whole montague vs#capulet but if romeo and juliet never existed kind of hatred!!“ i just cant vent right away. ive always thought that that's my problem.#and maybe it is. but still- how's come they can vent to me? im always there right away. i do love my people and i show up for them.#sometimes my depression makes it soooo difficult to hang out constantly but if there's one thing that cannot be said about mw is that i dont#care. cuz i do. and maybe that's the problem#and maybe it's just easier for me to care than let others care? idk? but then again- i did try to open up. i did try to let them care. i did#try everything by the book & off the book but still- idk it's always just an “im sorry” never an “i care so much to say more than im sorry”#and yeah it's my problem cuz i am not a constant person im not that steady in what i do. i still dont know if it's because i havent found#yet the people worth doing it or if i am just traumatized (my ex is knocking on this door lol) but- idk it makes me extremely sad!!!#and ive rambled on way too much but i jusg needed to let some things out of my mind cuz i cant understand whats wrong with me and why i#crave true friendships although im hella scared of and bored of and unwilling to nurturing one :)#cinnamon diary
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in a love-hate relationship with genius lyrics because sometimes it tells me the meaning of confusing ass lyrics or introduces me to the subtleties of clever lyrical metaphors and sometimes it tells me a song has a completely different meaning than i thought it did and i didn't want to know that.
#its a good thing that art is interpretive. i feel like i am not good at picking up on implied relationships in songs#like when lyrics are obviously love related but depict a struggle i cant tell if theyre supposed to be like#the good kind of struggle or the bad kind#is this a 'i love you but i have a mental block that makes it difficult' song#or a 'our relationship is strained from both sides' song or something else i am not good at that#thats happened to me several times and im just like#:/ i thought this was a sweet but a little somber love song. maybe it still is#i dunno#i do what i want#.txt
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Occasionally I'll see posts where people talk about feeling alienated from their peers growing up and I'll be like hey same except for the fact that like. I wasn't bullied and I had friends and I "fit in" and such so I feel like I must not be as different as I think or maybe I'm more "normal" than I feel but then like. Sometimes I go out with people my own age and I'm like yeahhhh we are not the same
#and i dont mean this in a pick me way#it's like. when i hang out with people i feel like im sitting behind a wall of glass so i'm there but not quite?#and i feel bad about it because it makes me feel fake!#like you know how people go and have dinner and sit and talk about stuff i just always feel like im doing it Wrong#and i dont even know if the differences are as noticeable to other people as they are to me#but it's like.. i feel like there are certain things that are typical amongst age groups#(music and fashion and other things like that)#that i don't share in/relate to#so i feel like i have nothing in common with these people#and it makes it difficult for me because when people tell you to make friends it's like..#1) that is. not something that i am able to do easily#2) do they know how difficult and draining it is to be friends with someone you have literally nothing in common with#it makes the friendships feel superficial imo#idk#it's not even just with having no interests in common it's also very clear that like. we do not think the same way#and sometimes i feel like a robot just like. going through the motions of being a person in social settings#it's always been like this or at least has been for a long time#and i dont know why#but if u ask my parents theres mothing wrong with me!#irl#just r's thoughts#delete later
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back to cycling through random underplayed games in my steam library to tide me over i GUESS
#i was doing this a little to procrastinate a few weeks ago. like to an almost dysfunctional degree.#like id (try to) write all day and get a little done and just be like 'fuck it time for a break' that was not actually a break id just stop#it was like full on videogame masochism type shit i would just throw myself at the most difficult frustrating challenges bc Anything#was better than writing and smth just made me really want to put Effort into smth stupid kdjJSDKJ#i was too scared to tell anyone i was really embarrassed dfjkSD;;#was a weird time but i broke out of it and wrote my diss and thats DONE so its FINE NOW#on that note i picked up don't starve recently after sitting unplayed in my library for over 2 years#and tbh i am Fascinated but im also so so so bad at it#which was good and fine when 'i need a Struggle or my brain will shrivel and combust' was the whole deal#but now im like. if i was Any less annoyingly stubborn abt videogames i mightve stopped already but we are still here#THEN AGAIN im trying to distract myself from totk just like i was previously distracting myself from work so#still pretty good conditions for metaphorically slamming up against a brick wall over and over kjgSDKJ#im in a weird headspace rn idk how i feel abt bursting back into conversation rn im so tired and headachey but somehow#wordvomiting into tumblr tags is still fine. sdkjhg#i didnt use tumblr for so long im just making up for it you all just have to deal with me for a bit
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not feeling so good
#dont have the strength to pick up my laundry & felt so sure id drop my bowl of soup carrying it back to here#so tired it is difficult to eat soup. and i dont think monster will fix me this time#stuffy nose and head hurts and it has only gotten worse as the day goes on#and in just a few hours imgoing to be screamed at some more but i dont think i have the energy to endure it let alone#be conscious for it i think i am going to just go to bed after my soup
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not to be a tech librarian who's also a technophobe but i shouldn't need to have a fucking username/password to use my own personal printer
#anyway am struggling to print the lined paper for sBOOKtober because every time i end up with uneven margins which is. frustrating#i'd like to have zero margins but no matter what. i get one side that has a little bit of white space. and the other has considerably more#which is making things difficult. and if i want to make any changes to my own printer. that i bought with MY OWN MONEY#i need to create an account#i am. beyond frustrated.#gonna take a walk and pick up the book my local indie bookstore ordered for me and calm down#verbs whines for ts
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