if i dont move to nyc or london or paris by age 27 what is the point of anything

> Mars in Houses < How you fight demons by becoming more demony ANd where others thirsty for yo Red-Bull-shit

Mars in First - Red bull gave you wings. your venom is oozing out yo teeth, but you still grinning at anything that moves. you act out a lot -and we let you - only because we don't wanna be the reason you lashed out - and you will justify your outbursts with any reason possible. because anything and everything makes you jump into a fist fight. and we don't wanna hear it was our fault later when we all know its your fault Mars in Second - Red bull made you sleep. you tired of fighting, but you will never surrender - so like what do you even want. your easily the most annoying person to get in a fight with because you never quit even if you lost the fight. passive in yo jabs but you a genius at pissing me off. and honestly the only reason i put up with it is because you so god damn sensual but your the definition of walking on egg shells Mars in Third - Red bull gave you intrusive thoughts. You are irrationally provocative and you don't even care that you just pissed everyone off with yo shit talking. you are able to have a conversation, but you must get the final word, and this final word, is why we all roll our eyes at you whenever you say yo 'piece.' notice how know one talks shit back to you? talk is cheap Mars in Fourth - Red bull gave you cancer - you hold in a lot, and we know your insides are boiling into a hot soup and thats why everyone so nice to you. we dont want to be the ones you vomit at. and we know its because yo mama made you bite yo tongue as a kid. and well we gotten used to it Mars in Fifth - Red bull gave you energy - get hyper - *dubstep**ksi appears** your dominant simply because your energy is overwhelming to others > you got the loudest laugh > the 'funniest' jokes > the biggest rawr xd > no one gonna step to you because you loud , and to extinguish yo flames we gotta call the fire brigade because you set the whole building on fire Mars in Sixth - Red bull gave you band aids/aids - you the most non combative person but can cut anyone so easily. you know exactly how to put someone down, and thats why you dont look for fights, because it feels like work at dis point. undercover freaks Mars in Seventh - Red bull gave you an erection - RED ROCKET RED ROCKET ummm do you really gotta show yo red rocket to everyone. seriously you working everyone as if you plan on sleeping with everyone. and the people you really wanna sleep with man, never seen a bigger simp, but keep pretending you a pimp, i mean i would too if i was as thirsty as you Mars in Eighth - Red bull gave you demon wings - scary. you can expose anyone by diggging into their psyche/secrets, and after you expose them, you console them, make them feel better about how you made them yo bitch. I mean its impressive how well you keep your secrets to yourself, but man do you exterminate everyone elses and its uncomfortable to be yo target Mars in Ninth - Red bull made you jump off something high - loud ambitions and a whole buncha energy. and well we know you have a grand plan to take over the world, but we done hearing about it we just waiting to see if you got the balls to do it. oh wow you actually jumped off the cliff and nearly died. was it as legendary as you thought it would be > i mean shit, imma talk about it so maybe? Mars in Tenth - Red bull made you put on a suit - Professionally a proffesional. a professional that proffeses they a profesional professionally like professionals who are proffesional. do you feel like i gave you the respect you deserved, or do you feeel im mocking you? they ask themselves this typa shit 24/7 because they dont wanna get spat on, but they so used to it - so they put themselves in only win win situations to avoid anything 'unprofessional'

Mars in Eleventh - Red bull gave you purpose - yall are kinda fearless but we all know its because you so afraid you wont get your way lol. but you masters at getting yo way, but that just means people dont wanna get in yo way... now ask yourself. how beneficial is this really. i mean at least nothing is an obstacle, but also no one helping you, becasue your attitude has convinced everyone you dont need help, and we also don't want to Mars in Twelfth - Red bull made you think he gave you wings - yall into infecting peoples minds; thats yo weapon. you know the exact right things to pull off to get people stuck in a thought loop of guessing what ifs of what is actually nothing at all. and this 'weapon' after a while, is completely useless after yo game is revealed, but yall are intriguing and are always shapeshifting into some new shit

heyy first of all its me the fucked up dream anon (now going by dream anon how original) second of all ive decided im going to learn about south park purely through your work so can i get some tweek (ive latched onto that boy) and whoever else you want (probably the main boys) with a reader (all platonic ofc) who's got that #anxiety? thanks even if you dont do it <33

🌌🌟/dream anon

main 4 + tweek with a reader who has anxiety; platonic headcanons

A/N: haii :3 i apologize if this like, distorts your vision of the characters or something. i am so glad you are being converted to the religion of tweek!!!!!!

TRIGGER WARNING: anxiety disorders, light mental health topics, paranoia, panic/anxiety attacks, death mention on kennys part

stan marsh

i think stan has a normal amount of anxiety. like he's so regular. he's your average joe

like he gets anxious over tests, and giving speeches, and over wendy. other than that he doesn't experience it to the extent of a disorder

so it might be a little difficult for him to imagine getting anxious over simple things like ordering food and stuff like that

he'll try his best to listen though, although he'll probably try to kinda reason with you, esp if you're feeling paranoid or something

"dude, i checked twice, it's locked. relax, man."

he'll try to distract you, by playing games and watching stuff, and just generally kinda trying to be funny to take your mind off of things

if you're having a panic/anxiety attack, he kinda panics too at first, before quickly pulling you away and asking what's wrong. he is sweating very hard

if you're unresponsive, he tries to stay calm but is honestly considering calling an ambulance. like he thinks you're having a stroke

"shit, a panic attack? uh, okay, errr.... take deep breaths, okay? in.. and out. in.. and out. okay, that's good.."

he looks up grounding techniques on his phone and relays them to you until you calm down and catch your breath. he like sends you images off of google of the 5 senses technique randomly and says he figured you'd need it someday

he tries to keep your anxiety in mind, and might slip up sometimes, but for the most part he tries to be careful with his words and actions as to not worry you. he shows his care in subtle ways!!

kyle broflovski

he tries to kinda. logic it out a bit. like if you're feeling insecure he tells you how unrealistic it is for someone to think about one random passerby's appearance forever

he does feel bad though. he doesn't completely understand, but whenever he's feeling insecure he tends to get really anxious about people at school

he usually gets anxious whenever he's doing something wrong or sneaking out. like he's actually sweating and shitting his pants thinking about what his mom will do to him if she finds out

he'll encourage you to order food for yourself, to get yourself out there more, and if you succeed he'll pat your shoulder and smile a lil

if you don't want to, he might dramatically sigh but he'll do it anyways. cuz he knows how hard it is

i do think he'd get a little anxious about asking workers for help and stuff, but he'll be the bigger person... he supposes... smh my head...

when you have an panic attack for the first time, he's like really confused and gets super concerned that you're having a heart attack, and pulls his phone out to dial your parents or 911

"i'm here for you dude! listen- hey, listen to me. it's okay. can- can you-"

he tries to talk to you to de-escalate it, but he gives up and has his hand on your back, while looking up what the fuck to do

'friend havign panjc atgack what to do'

if you're okay with it, he probably talks to your parents about it. he doesn't really trust himself to be able to always calm you down, so he encourages getting outside/professional help

he does try though, and he'll always be there for you in different ways!! like when you need help with something or just need company to distract you, he's at ur door with his xbox 360

eric cartman

you can tell that eric gets a little uncomfortable if you're freaking out or feeling anxious. whether it's because he actually feels bad or just doesn't know how to handle your emotions, you'll never know

but either way, he'll probably just like. sit next to you like "dude, what's up with you?" or in other cases he'll sneakily slip out of the room unseen

he does try to be kinda logical about it, but that's solely because he physically can't speak words of comfort.

"i mean, dude, be seriously. nobody cares about you that much to notice." you speak such kind words eric!!

he doesn't really like it when things get serious, so he'll generally try to transition the situation into something more casual. like he'll try to ease your (his) mood by getting snacks and playing games together, or even begging his mom to take you both to KFC

if you have a panic attack, all of his alarms are blaring and his brain is screaming flight!!!!! flight!!!! run the fuck away!!!!

and he probably tries to, but when you notice him and call his name he physically deflates

he awkwardly turns around and slowly strolls over. "Y/N... heeeeeeey... what's up... duuude..." you can hear the strain in his voice

if it gets to be too much, as in you won't stop hyperventilating or can't breathe, he'll probably alert an adult or take you to the nurse or something. he tells himself it's because he doesn't want to be a suspect of your death

if ur having trouble ordering food he'll gladly take ur place and make a scene to get all eyes on him. "erm excuthe me they athed for no pickleth🤓"

other than when you're voicing your anxiety, he probably treats you the same. i don't really think he'd take advantage of your anxiety unless you were like. butters or heidi or something and he was really trying to get you to do something for him or just trying to. stick himself in your mind. because he's a narcissist and he loves that!!

kenny mccormick

he doesn't relate necessarily, but he definitely understands.

he lives a lot of his life in fear of his next death, and is constantly praying it be quick and painless

kenny is more of a reserved fella, but not really shy or anxious. so if you're having trouble speaking up or ordering something he'll step up and do it gladly!!

i think he'd be pretty decent at comforting. like he'll pat his hand on your back and speak assuring, muffled words

"mm, mmph mmph mmmph! mmph mph mph mmmfmf mmf mph mph mmph!" (aww, it'll be okay. i'll walk you every step of the way, buddy!)

he tries to take your emotions into consideration more, and grabs your hand and squeezes it sometimes if you need a boost of confidence. sometimes he forgets your anxiety and says something rude and feels really bad about it

when you're having a panic attack, he's honestly really scared and expects you to start foaming at the mouth or something

he'll hesitate, but he'll pat your back and try to help you with grounding techniques. the 5-4-3-2-1 in particular is his favorite, and he'll tell you how to do it in like a rlly sweet and calming voice

he's still spooked though, and gets you a water bottle and like a washcloth. he's incredibly thankful you aren't dying or anything

kenny is very good at comforting! sometimes all it takes is a simple moment of eye contact and seeing his eyes crinkle that gives you a surge of calmness you didn't know you needed

tweek tweak

tweek is no outsider to anxiety and stress. he's literally a living beehive with all that damn vibrating

to anyone else, it would seem like tweek had a severe anxiety disorder, or even ADHD. but it turns out it's just a result of his crippling meth addiction and caffiene overdoses

he tries to think about what craigs taught him, about grounding techniques and how to handle a panic attack, and tries to apply those for you

he's shakily take your hand and wrap you in a blanket, making you hot cocoa and helping you slowly come back to your senses

"okay, okay, what are 5 things you can touch? or- no- AGH! was it 5 things you see- hear? no, ACK! i can't remember!"

most of the time if you're feeling on-edge about something, his main goal will be to just listen to you talk and validate your feelings. he doesn't really make it a point to give you advice or try to be logical, unless you directly ask for it

he's great at listening!!! he also doesn't trust his own advice enough to say it to someone else.

he really tries to think hard about what comforts him when he's anxious, and so he tries to use the tactics for you. for instance, he tries to help you get into a hobby like painting to have a bit more control over yourself

hc that tweek loves to draw with crayons so he'll make little drawings of you and him as stick figures being all happy and give them to you. as a treat

overall he is very attentive, and cares a lot. he tries his very best to be there for you, and a lot of the time that results in you two just hanging out or gaming together, so you can both get your mind off of things for a while. it makes him happy to be able to be there for someone else like craig was for him

Thoughts as I read TSC: A Stream of Conciousness Part Two!

Filthy Spoils!

classic kevin.

LOL keep saying i see how much you bench as if thats an indicator of someones ability to kickass

HA! i always forget about the sixteen hour days shit, i cannot, i find it too fucking funny it's fucking impossible. mfs would be DECEASED. like DEAD.

they are so hardcore this fantastical has me CACKLING every time

like a ken doll!

BLONDE.

ill advised thoughts....

uh oh jean, your crazy is showing.

goddamn. to hate but need. complicated and absolutely screwed up relationship dynamics are fascinating.

okay, i like to rag on our beloved kevin (because its fun and easy) but like props where props are due. i know we didn't get to see his transition from raven to fox but i honestly think the boy would have handled it a lot better than jean jean morose over here. boy isssssss messed up.

foreshadowwwwww SWIM SHORTS!

dangerously low? dangerous for who jean?

do not be slut shaming, lucas. thats fucking gross of you and i'm not even gonna mention the nonconsensual factor...........

oh. my. word. its not funny but i feel the morbid sense to laugh at the ravens dropping like flies.

bad therapist. you cant force it. where is Dobson?

OMG LOL i summoned her!

dont you worry about kevin babe, the foxes got him

thats two hands on chin! thats two!

he's got a big dick! lololololololol boys not tryna be gayyyy

oh the heat! the HEAT! yes jeremyyyyyyyy

fear of water.

what happens when he losses his grip......i want to see you lose control......... hi familiar phrasing and trauma, i ADORE you.

in my head, jean has a very french tsk of his tongue reaction to almost everything people do around him.

yesssss the foxes ARE synchronized.

you tell him jeremy! none of his raven intentionally injuring people bullshit

omg were gonna get a little kevin trip to cali! reunion of the abused buds! (again gotta take the morbid hilarity into account for my health)

LOL wheel throwing! Patrick Swayze where are you?!

not the self flagellating notebooks he kept.....

oooooo intense. it all comes to the surface. the truth will always come out.

this is clever, gives just enough info about the ravens without explaining the crime side of things. go nora.

okay damn lucas.... issues buddy. dont be comin after jean jean. you'll regret it.

chin grab number 3! this time by jeremy 🤩

omg cuuuuuuuute little motorcycle ride and seashell gifty

again. uh oh jean. your crazy is showing to the coaches now. this truth is really spilling out the cracks

pause.......... guys my sanity........ my INsanity upon reading this........... im losin it! ......... okay resume.

morbid laughing morbid laughing morbid laughing fuck fuck fuck

yo. to somehow make me feel like neilio's story is a positive tale................

wow lucas. doubling down are we. his character does have a very difficult truth to come to terms with. its fuckin rough and a hella interesting arc.

you should call dobsonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

OH SHIT! neil's here! Thats not good news for you jean!

fy faen neil. you're kind of a gangster babe!

oh. dead sister. so sad. (typing it out like that looks sarcastic. It's not.)

yaaaaasssss thats the smart mouth we know and love! telling an agent he parked illegally!!! ahhhhh lolololololoolol

OMG Neil!!!! sweetheart! you care so much! awwwwwwwww wow nora seriously, what. a. treat! he cares about his buddy jean.

jeremy...... you got it so bad hun. always with the 'what do you need?' like just promise yourself to him forever and ever.

CHIN!!!!!!!!!! FOUR TIMES NOW.

woah Jer.

i like that jean actually doesn't like exy. such a good contrast to neils pov obsession.

im curious where this whole 'its not freedom its a pretty cage' thing is gonna go. like, yea i dont think you'll ever be 'free' free jean. but honestly this is pretty damn close. professional athletes lives are very straight forward. and if youre that good, fuckin easy.

hii, its 💌 anon coming reallll late but happy anniversary :)) i was gone for so long bc i had school and so much other things but i am back‼️ with pantalone thoughts….and dottore thoughts ofc teehee.

akademiya zandik writing reader letters but then he was like “okay no, im not that whipped (he is) i’m gonna toss it somewhere else” but he ends up keeping it in a box. fragile reader on the other hand used to always write him letters :(( and ofcourse he kept them all. they were always well decorated and had the most beautiful wiring but after reader got sick, he didnt get them anymore. the younger clones would probably make little get well soon cards while the older ones write letters and all :(. (also fits reader literally writing him a letter in the case,, yk,, they die)

meanwhile, in pantaloneland, reader and him watched barbie together!!! he wore pink and the entire shebang, probably even rented….bought an entire theater for the private viewing for the both of you. (its actually js a theater version of the barbie movie. no movies back then so…play! arlie would love it too). BUT!! he js hates ken in the middle of it. “i would never ever get rid of your barbie dream house, darling :(“ because honestly? it makes him sad. how can someone just strip things that their lover likes away just to be better? it reminded him a bit of his own bitter childhood, and because of that, he buys you even more things after <3

“pantalone, i dont need that many outfits-“

“just indulge me darling :) you’ve been with me since i was young, its only fair i return the favor”

- 💌

HI 💌 ANON! Welcome back ❤️ I hope you've been doing good and taking care of yourself!! AND AGHHH THANKS FOR YOU FOR THOUGHTS 😭🤲

ZANDIK WRITING LETTERS 😔💖 He thinks that instead of verbalizing his feelings, he can water them down and make them all professional like he does in his notes/research reports... WRONG. Within the first sentence, he looks at it and stops because wtf there's no way he's gonna continue writing this sappy shit (it wasn't even sappy he was showing that he cared about you a bit more than the average person) But you on the other hand? You don't care if you sound too emotional or sappy or in love or not. You just write what you wanna write. Zandik will scoff and make fun of you but you know he keeps all of them. Where? You don't know, but you just know.

But it's only after it's too late that he realizes how much he likes the little letters he used to receive from you. (UR EVIL FOR THAT LAST PART.) Stop now I'm thinking about bb Zandy giving you a card... he drew you two with crayons 💖

NOT PANTALONE AND YOU WATCHING BARBIE... I haven't seen it yet but I'm beyond excited to go and watch it whenever I'm able to!! Psh, he doesn't even need to buy a theater because you know he been had one for years!! But OUCH not the angst at the end ;( Ugh he literally loves and respects you so much, he can't fathom the thought of ever hurting you on purpose.

In your closet, there are two types of outfits. The ones you wear regularly, and the ones you wore only once because Pantalone makes you try on everything he buys you. Oftentimes you have to enlist your husband for help choosing outfits and accessories because you probably get overwhelmed by your closet being the size of a big bedroom 😭

Personally I think Jake Lockley would drive me to and from the mosque at 7am in the morning for Eid prayers in his fancy ass limo simply because "it's a big holiday, carino, you have to show up in style."

I also know he'd take eid shopping VERY VERY SERIOUSLY and get all his research done with a full plan to just spend the day out together, trying on shit tons of clothes, giving "professional" opinions (He has no idea what he's talking about, Marc thinks he's dumb and Steven just says every outfit looks great. Not helpful!!), and just being....cute <333333

ahhhhh constantly thinking about him in my silly parallel world i cant and wont shut up about him

I ALSO personally believe they'd be the kind of cutie pie who'd spend 90% of Ramadan at home with you, because its a Big Deal and also, he enjoys the peacefulness. Marc likes spending the later evening with you, cleaning up dishes and staying up late to just chat and watch TV- he'd also be very strict on making sure to wake you up before sunrise with a decent meal ready. Steven enjoys the tranquillity of the day, it's lazy a lot of the times. You don't go to work- its meant to be a month for yourself, he sits with you when you're going through your prayers or daily reading- HAPPILY walks to the mosque and back with you when you find the time to go pray there. Jake's more there during the meal prep. He's got grocery lists down and done for each day, he'd be damned if he makes you wait too long after sunset to eat. He makes sure the food is always something you'll love but also obviously healthy!! He looooves spending the last few hours of the day with you in the kitchen making iftar and preparing everything!!!

Can. You. Tell. I'm. Not. Normal. About. Them.

This went from Jake to all three but I literally can not stop thinking about it. Even though they literally do not have to, they try to keep their violent nightly activities to a minimum during the month. They absolutely DO NOT have to but the idea of tainting this sacred month by coming home with so much blood on their hands- not something they like the sound of. Also MORE than happy to put off things like alcohol or sex during the month- sex so you can focus on the more important parts of this time, and alcohol because again they dont like the idea of "tainting" the holiday.

i need to be locked away right now.

This is not an attack, more like a rant of my own but you see how you say everything is okay except for stuff with minors? You understand that some people’s limits are a little bit above just stuff involving minors?

You recognize that repulse you feel, that icky feeling, the feeling that you want to puke and you need to say, need to clarify that stuff with minors is not okay and shouldn’t exist?

Well some people feel the exact same repulse and icky feeling and the NEED to say that it shouldn’t exist when it comes to rape and incest.

I find it mind boggling that people are told to ignore, block and move on… and the same people will FOR SURE tear someone to shreds if someone wrote pedo stuff (rightfully so!) but don’t people understand that for rape and incest it’s the same thing? At least for a good chunk of people?

Like just IMAGINE being told to ignore, block and move on when someone is writing about minors, it’s icky, disgusting.

triggering topic warning!

i understand what you’re saying. (im terrible at wording things but) this is part of my point. Like when I find something involving a minor, no i don’t attack a writer directly or anon message. Yes its vile, but doing that is doing way more harm than good.

A lot of people are arguing the more you do attack, the more they’ll write. I agree. Which is why i think the solution is to block and move on. Im not trying to invalidate.

Attacking a writer for whatever topic it may be only encourages. Anon hate does no good because really who wants to listen to a stranger tell them not to do something?

i cant remember the account, but there was a minor on here who wrote incest about other minors. She got hate especially on anon and what did she do? Replied to the anon with more of what triggered them.

Another thing, like i said in the previous rant, the more you interact with darker content, by sending it, visiting the blog, commenting wtv, the more it will show up on your feed. That’s why ive said to block and move on if you dont want to see the content. The more you do to prevent these things (which for non-con, incest, rape topics and wtv else gets nothing but a community label) the more you’re pulling it towards yourself.

And not to be that person, but those types of fanfics have been around since forever, on ao3 especially. Part of the reason there’s been more lately is because of the complaints.

There’s also people who need to learn to read warnings above fics and on intro pages before interacting. I’ve seen people saying how a fic was super cute until they realized it had incest. I understand that repulsive feeling, but the warnings are there 9/10. Like i said, if they aren’t, there’s easy ways to ask the writer to include them.

It’s all about your own morals. Some people think writing for minors is okay, while you don’t. Some people may enjoy bdsm, and you don’t. Some may find comfort in writing for trauma kinks while you find it gross. Regardless of you find it wrong, the writers may not. In some cases that may mean they need professional help or something, but that isn’t your job to push. Either way, harassment to this degree is childish and does not fix anything. Only draws things out further.

Would we really do half the shit we write about in fanfiction in real life? Like if Leon was real, do you think he would realistically even have children? I don’t think he would. But it is fiction (ik that’s a very common argument but the point still stands) if the character was real, none of this shit would go down irl. This includes vanilla kinks - hard kinks.

Again, I see your point but I hope you understand what i mean by this.

EDIT (again sorry i keep adding on😭)- id like to point out how this anon was respectful even though they’re arguing their views. and not calling REAL people literal slurs and telling people to die for it.

I really really like that long post you did about making art. especially: 'i have somehow convinced myself that, if i maybe try a little bit, not exceptionally hard, but only a little bit, maybe i will somehow magically be good enough and worthy of critical praise.'

I spend all my time thinking about the beautiful or ""groundbreaking"" things I would make but no time actually doing it. and then when I attempt to create something the actual discomfort of physically drawing, writing or even coding is so unlike the idealised version in my brain that I have to stop because it is so frustrating. I wish I could be the sort of person who decides to spend hours upon hours perfecting a craft. but I just cant. weirdly I've come to terms with it. theres a whole world of art that exists just for me in my head. maybe one day ill be able to translate it into reality. but for now, im just going to be happy with the dual presence of my shitty real art and my lovely art thats just for me.

(also: I dont think your posts are lacking. the way you use language is unexpected and hilarious. I like it a lot.)

we should have a word for the terminal need for validation but lack of any and all discipline ... seems like a relatively new phenomena. i'm considering the strong possibility that it's a widespread result as the death of the "hobby"... however many years ago i imagine it was normal to just do something for yourself, because you love doing it. in fact i see a lot of my friends parents still doing stuff such as this.

i have a lot of friends whose dads make eps and albums for fun. for them only. no wishing on a star for it to blow up overnight. none of that. security in the quality of it. security in how far it probably won't reach. now that security, of course, could just come with age. but i suspect there's a generational parasite.

we were all raised with Numbers. the follower count, the like count, these are burned into our psyche. a neurosis coiled tightly around an objective metric of validation. a handful of years ago such a neurosis couldn't even exist! and it especially couldn't exist in a matter of seconds or minutes. your value as a person is a pair of dice that you roll and you snatch them back the moment you see snake eyes. almost all of the amateur art, music, writing we are exposed to has a number right under it. you don't get to evaluate it yourself. there is immediately a pavlovian connection, i like this thing, this thing has this number attached to it, if i can get a number like that i'm worthy of coexisting with this thing.

there's an almost instant dissociation between the craft, the skill, the time, and the FRUIT. what you get back. we are almost trained to care more about how popular something is than how good it is. not like, hollywood productions, or Columbia Records' chart topping album by a thirty something with A&R parents, but how popular someone just like you is on the internet. a plausible professional with a twitter account who draws whatever they want. someone you could relate to. someone you could be.

but because you want the numbers you skip the learning... you make something and put it out. and you keep doing this. your learning is public, your honing of the craft is documented before an audience of hopefully thousands. and you see what they respond to. and their responses steer the direction of your learning. you never have an opportunity to make something shitty. make something no one likes. experiment. you just keep feeding the computer. and it works until the point where you want to do something else, or something real, or something better, or something serious, and realize you don't know how. and you're like Fuck Shit why did I hustle instead of learning in peace.

but of course this is all by design. the numbers can't teach themselves more numbers if you doodle in your sketchbook and don't show anyone. i'm not sure if it was ever a specific person's idea to make everyone's entire life a performance, but whoever engineered it did a damn fine job. takes a sledgehammer to break out of. oh well ! in a few generations i'm sure all of our skin will have glare dampeners evolved specifically to vlog better with. and everyone will have forgotten what it's like to do something in your room, by yourself, because you like to do it

TJANK FUCKING GOD YOURE TALKING ABOUT THE R@PE SHIT IN THIS FANDOM. I'm actually in disbelief of how often it's being written. And I get the whole 'dont like, then scroll' and whatever, but when I open up my dash/tags and the first FIVE FUCKING FICS are r@pe fics???? And there's more every day, by the same, but also newer writers??? Wanna know what that is? Normalization. There's one blog on here that's so so so bad for it. And honestly, I get darker content, and I get the interest in rape from a psychological and conditional aspect, but that is when it's being taken seriously. These writers on here? Yeah, they're not fucking taking it seriously. If I see one more '💕🌷🎀' on a r@pe fic, I'm going to fucking lose it.

I can't imagine showing a survivor of SA one of these fics and telling them there is more like it. Like... How embarrassing. But the excuse is that the writers were SA'd and that this is the way they can work through their trauma. Personally, that literally does not add up to me. But! I'm not a psychologist so I can't dictate how someone works through their trauma. But, I can have an opinion on what they put on a public domain. And that's where the whole COD fandom issue lies. There is literally no healthy discourse. If you ask someone why they write about r@pe, they either block you, publicly slander you like you're the idiot for asking about a r@pe fic (???), or tell you to fuck off or something. Like... Why can't we just have a healthy discussion about it?? ESPECIALLY in a fandom with a pretty large female following. We SHOULD be talking about this not being hostile to each other, writers and readers alike.

Idk, sorry for the word dump. I spent four hours talking to a friend about this (who doesn't have Tumblr) and the general consensus was the same. I wish people could just think a little more critically. Just because you have a kink, or think somethings hot, doesn't always mean it's okay. And when you're consistently writing about it as a way to work through it, and posting it online, that just might be a sign that you should talk to a professional, cause there's nothing wrong with getting a second opinion.

took the fucking words outta my mouth babe. you are so RIGHT

tbh i never seen someone actively open about their trauma and say that they write the r*** fics as a way for them to cope. that’s definitely new to me. i mean, i’m no expert too and i can’t exactly say and tell them how to feel but yea that’s a little… bizarre. whether or not they’re using that as an excuse so they can write it i have nothing to say abt that. but if it’s a lie then they can go fuck themselves.

it’s not only this fandom i believe, right? there’s gotta be more and that’s the most fucked up thing about it. like i do not need to know you’re some mentally fucked individual who enjoys writing and reading about r*** content, u keep that shit to yourself. do not bring that bullshit here.

it’s pretty saddening to know that telling ppl to fuck off is their only response. which makes me realized that they are only good for one thing. how could you not have any ounce of decency in you to actually be aware of those things and realize that r*** is not okay and will never be okay?? I don’t care what’s the excuse or whatever reasons u want to bring to the table. if u don’t wanna talk about how r*** takes the joy out of a SA victim and leave a permanent scar in which they have to live with everyday, then there is no point in writing them at all.

and also, you know what saddens me more? the blogs that normally write them comes from women. because, man… you should’ve known better… you should’ve known that no woman on earth could ever live in peace knowing that one exact fear is the reason why we are so terrified of going out alone. why we are so terrified of men. why would you ever go out your way and change these beautiful characters to be some sort of evil spawn ?? weird ass bitches.

don’t be sorry for the word dump!! because i’m glad that some of you came into my inbox and expressed your thoughts about this particular bullshit.

they do need to get some help. and i mean this in the most nicest and disrespectful way possible tbh.

Hello, just wanna start this off by saying that I love your art. I've decided to ask my favourite artists for art tips as I wanna get into it, but no matter what I do it never looks right. So, any tips?

WARNING YOU JUST OPENED THE FLOOD GATES GET READY FOR A LONG ASS POST

WOOOOO BOY, first off huge fucking compliment i honestly didn't think i was anyone's favorite artist (despite what my friends say) and i find it super cool of you to try and draw

Anddd nowww the cowards will run out as soon as you read more

okay so first things first, disclaimer! I AM NO PROFESSIONAL BY ANY STANDARDS, IM JUST SUPER INTERESTED IN ART, DO NOT TAKE MY WORDS AS GOSPEL AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO TAKE MY WORDS OF ADVICE (you didnt say i was but just to cover my ass)

I am still learning as an artist so this will just be advice that helped me, lets just hope i can remember what got me here, and this will be just me jotting down my thoughts as they come so maybe im not the best person to come to about this (i may repeat what other people say in terms of art so bare with me)

SO WITHOUT ANYMORE DISCLAIMER! YOU WANT ART TIPS FROM ME? WELL GET READY FOR SOME BULLSHIT FROM A PERSON WHO'S BEEN SO ARTSY FARTSY IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT, WELL COME INTO THE SHIT TRAIN!!

Now i dont know if you are an intermediate artist, beginner, need help in specific areas or whatever the hell else but! here's the three main points i always wanted to scream at artists who are just starting out!

Your art WILL look like shit in the beginning

References and inspiration are YOUR FRIEND

DONT be afraid to trace

(I know I know this feels like regurgitated and it probably is BUT HEY STICK WITH ME)

does your art looks fucking trash? THATS GOOD!! KEEP DRAWING!! My art looked fucking ugly when i started and some might say (me) it still does, but thats okay!! You learn more and more from just drawing without any tips, art is a pure skill that builds up, do not be discouraged!! The point of art isn't to be the greatest in the world, it's to be at peace with what you create so if your art looks good to you and you are in a happy place in your progress, you are basically successful in my eyes at least (this doesn't mean to quit learning obviously but it'll come in time, be patient, do not push yourself! that's how you stop loving art and we don't want that happening!)

Ever find yourself asking "man why the fuck does (include art shit here) not look accurate??" well here's a tip, USE REFERENCES! DO NOT BE LIKE ME WHERE YOU JUST WING IT OR ELSE YOU'LL BE CRYING OVER YOUR DRAWING TABLET LIKE I DID AT SOME POINT!! Pay attention to the shapes of the reference, break it down and draw over it if you need to, shapes are very important in art and you need to be able to draw whatever you want in the most basic forms (im no good example of this, i really need to practice more aughhh). As well as references, inspiration is KEY!!! Everything is inspired off each other, nothing is original, so steal from your favorite artists!! Look at their speedpaints, look at how they use colors, analyze how they draw anatomy in their style, see how they use shapes, etc etc, learn from who you consider are the "greats of their times"!! USE ALL THE INSPIRATION YOU HAVE AT YOUR FINGERTIPS!!LITERALLY COPY THEM IF YOU WANT EVEN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DID THAT, YOU'LL LEARN WITH TIME!! just whatever you do, don't compare yourself so heavily against other artists, i know its hard, i do it myself even! If there is an artist who has a style you so so want, don't crumble if you can't draw in their style perfectly, you'll never win against someone in their art style. I suggest taking inspiration from multiple artists and mashing them together until it looks good in your eyes!!

That actually leads me to my next point! TRACING IS OKAY!! Now obviously I do not mean directly tracing over like some lines, showing it off/posting it and calling it completely original. I mean tracing over the references i mentioned before, or like what i said before, i believe you should actually trace from your favs! (don't call it original like i said before), tracing can help build memory on how to draw certain things like how i took a photo of my hands before, traced them, and then put it to the side to redraw it, making me understand futher how hands work! OR like how i traced a piece of art that i liked to understand how the artist drew their bodies, tracing is used by total professionals in the industry so do not be afraid!! You have total permission from me to trace my art and learn how to draw my wack ass bodies

and for a little extra bit, little bit of a hot take (I'm actually not sure how much of a hot take this is), i don't think you HAVE to learn the fundamentals to get into art. NOW BEFORE YOU RUN OFF SCREAMING AND SHITTING, IM NOT SAYING YOU DON'T NEED THE FUNDAMENTALS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!! I'm just saying that if you want to get into art as a complete hobbyist and just want to draw to yknow draw and be happy, you should just go for it! Again don't make art something you hate! I completely encourage learning the fundamentals but don't ever feel like you're failing just because you don't, get into it when you have the time! be patient with yourself, this goes for any hobby/skill but just sink some time into it, i promise you will get further in you hobby than if you push and rush yourself into complete burn out

OH AND HERES MY ULTIMATE TIP! THERE IS NO WRONG WAY TO DO ART!!

Uhhh i think that's everything? Im not exactly sure how comprehensible this is or how the spelling is since i am not beta reading this! But apologies if this wasn't what you were looking for! (if anybody even read this far) and i hope that if you asked your other favorite artists they answered with anything better than whatever this is! I wish you alot of luck in your art journey and thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about art! OH AND REMEMBER TO TAKE BREAKS

thinking about how so much of mental health recovery is self forgiveness and allowing yourself to move on and how (having been raised in religious shame structure) not being able to can really trap you into patterns if you don’t. im about to make this about that vampire show lmao. i tried not to. i didn’t even expect this. i was gonna just do a to delete personal post. but whatever. you don’t have to read. but, there’s so much shame in being unwell. all religion teaches you in that anyone of “sin” is deserving of instability, of punishment, unhappiness of hell. then religions tell people to turn that voice inwards and name it their governing god voice. thats so damaging.

my mind is whizzing with religious trauma thoughts in amc iwtv. as well as mental health aspects given how i’ve been and i haven’t really done wtf your call this in a while and i’m really too shrouded in the shame of being unwell to even feel like i should say anything at all anymore. i’m pushing through bc that’s honestly the problem.

that’s what i see reflected in louis. suffering silently bc you might be the hell you can’t escape bc the magnitude you’re experiencing it makes you feel like you must deserve it. if it’s you then what else could there be. doesnt seem like even what’s good can come without hell-in-tow. in his line of work, in his life with his family, in the only way he could be with jonah, in lestat, in claudia. hell is always right there where the good things are. and then everywhere you look the thought is it’s reinforced. religion indoctrinates in you that good is for those who are pure. louis was never afforded pure. even tho it’s actually an injustice and pure is a tool for exclusion and hatred etc. etc. sometimes even when you know that, even when you have the awareness of how unfair it is to be held to a standard never meant for you, it doesnt mean shame isnt effective.

im thinking about shame and self-flagellation in louis. someone on here once pointed out how louis might have thought he was really losing it where lestat was concerned, with all his tricks, and how that was probably why he didn’t want to look at it head on. i get that observation bc of the shame and i also get the appeal and seduction of just letting the mind go with whatever it is if you’re receiving something you’ve been starved of for a long time. bc sometimes losing your mind feels like chains falling and bounds expanding. and it’s all so alluring especially when the state of your mind is as a result of the rigidness of society and life around you. and then the shame that comes for what you perceive yourself to have allowed when things go to hell. especially when it seems like hell is a rapid endless thing with infinite ways to show you all you ever wanted decay before your very eyes bc trauma is death and death is trauma and this is the death and trauma show.

and religions determine what death is in your mind’s eye. and religious shame is a spider cocooning you and telling you to think yourself a butterfly all the while. how do you forgive yourself from there? and if you can’t can you even look at the full scope of your situation? what if the shame is a dead brother, a town burning, estrangement with relatives, abuse/victimhood, a dead sister/daughter all things that were core values to have a certain way. all things that you defined yourself by and the good times (sarcastic) keep on rolling. what hurts the most sometimes is what you did or didn’t do. idk that i have anything else to say. im getting to the point within myself where i keep thinking “who even cares” so imma stop here. bc i’d like to share before i convince myself to delete. but just if your out there struggling with mental health shit i hope you forgive yourself for things you’re holding onto out of shame. not even just as a self kindness but also bc you deserve to and progress is hindered if you dont in my opinion. i am not a professional. this is simply from what i’ve experienced/observed. if you got beef with yourself and you prefer to take it to your grave. do your thing. im just a username on this thing.

"A rwby critic and a longtime dc fan" Hate to break it to you?

But RWBY manages to stay consistent. DC? Where do we even begin on their retcons.

Look, if you wanna whine and complain, that's fine. But at the end of the day, Monty , Miles, Kerry? At least their work is forever in progress.

All you people do is insult them on social media and then wonder why people won't listen to you after you complain. People enjoyed the crossover, and part 2 will be there soon.

And unlike you, the rest of us intend to enjoy things...which, as a critic, I understand that's rather difficult.

First things first thanks for being my first anon I honestly didn't know if I had it turned on or not. Also congratulations for being my first rwby related braindead anon, now I know I've made it. Now onto the response

Rwby has consistency? Yeah its consistently disappointing and dogshit. Trust me I know all about DC's retcons, bad stories, nonsensical decisions that the writers make that make the characters worse. Wanna know the difference between RWBY and DC? Rwby has had only a few interpretations, the main canon, the crossover, ice queendom, the books, the antholgy manga, a few comics (some being dc crossovers again), and rwby chibi. And half of those can even be considered pseudo canon. With DC? They have had DECADES of comics, movies, cartoons, TV shows, and all sorts of different adoptions. Because DC is bigger they can have alot of bad, but SOOOO MUCH more good.

Next up, dont bring Monty into this. I wont discredit his work and im not gonna say "this wasnt how he wanted rwby" or anything like this. Let the guy be. This is specifically going towards Miles and Kerry, I wanna have faith they're good people, twitter says otherwise for Miles. I know they can make some decent writing, early rwby, camp camp, they even wrote some of RVB. They haven't made anything good nowadays which is why im mad, I know they can write but keep fucking up!

And if your gonna say all I do is whine and complain maybe you should remember that your complaining about the opinion of some random guy on the internet. But hey you arent completely whining your giving a passive aggressive anonymous ask.

If people like the crossover, good. Im glad someone can find some good in a film and series I dont like. I may not have enjoyed the crossover but get good on you for finding it enjoying. I know why people dont listen to us "whiners" its cuz we hurt their feelings and were big mean cyber bullies. Im a dude on the internet, why the hell should you take it so seriously. What did you think I'd take you seriously as well? I know the real reason why rwby fans dont listen, its cuz RT doesn't listen. They dont see the genuine harm in their writing or dont want to acknowledge it and so their fans piggyback off their mentality. You fans dont listen because RT has their heads so far up their asses they think that RWBY will do fine because there's brain rotted fans like you who'll defend this hot garbage and do nothing but constantly try and shit on people who have an opinion. And quite frankly I think my opinion is right

Dont call yourself a critic, I dont know jackshit about you so for all I know your a fellow cave troll. Reply without the anon button and prove it next time. I know im not a professional writer or critic, I say that I am since im just been watching both franchises, im a dude on tumblr, dont take that part seriously. But I do know how to form an opinion on what I like and what I think is terribly written schlock thats being defended by fans who have a weird symbiotic relationship with a company that will treat their fans like shit.

So all in all, cope. I dont like the dogshit crossover, Miles and Kerry's writing sucks now, and you've officially made my morning. Thanks for stopping by anon. Next time RWBY makes something good for once i'll actually talk about how I like it, maybe with some criticism but hey, nothings perfect. I understand thats rather difficult to understand

sittin here thinking about a certain person trying to earn back into the intel when they were apparently told i was right.

god

this would have been so avoidable if people were honest. Honest about what they know, say. Flipped like a switch and tried to flop the dialogue an opposite way with an opposite lie. A shortlist of the history from market testing, confessions, finales, both before and that there were omissions, pilot scripts and more--just to list the major, not things like accurate casting leaks--and who arrogantly argued only to be wrong: people with far better contacts than that person, people with far better contacts than 2p0, and they still completely missed it the whole way through.

"That all happened?" yeah sweetcheeks. while you and 2p0 run rumor mills or don't know how to trade dms with professionals to not be shut out, there's been an actual trail of actual leaks accurate vs clods arguing against them the whole way until they wipe out bc they can't figure out basic business, who knows what, or how to not sound like a desperate fan.

but people read what they want, not what's actually being said, and even more rarely do they care much less know how to look into what's actually being done.

i think 2p0 knows. to them this isn't about being honest or right, it's about maintaining their relevance while seeing the train headlight bearing down on them all in the tunnel. But those of us who care, and know, well. sorry buddy. like. lmao, you just look sad

if yall weren't so obsessed with attention seeking online, maybe you could get shit done and be confident too

hey pat

i guess you could call this

a battle for dean's soul ;)

anyway idk man i keep asking if you wanna put down another 5K again since you didn't learn last time but weirdly, it's like you don't want to declare a clear concept of where the show is going, or risk that 5K against my very clear statements throughout, which I would gladly re-state top to bottom to initiate the bet if you did the same.

but you know

you aint gonna

you just talk, bitch. all you ever were. even today you changed your fucking tune, you can't keep a solid note

jensen is not your plaything. and you about to learn that real quick

all these motherfuckin cowards running their mouths online but not willing to make that bet because they goddamn know they're just anti trolls hated by the entire crew, everything else is theater. fuckers are only salty bc they DONT know how to have a real impact. In media. in life. it's a deep seeded attention seeking there and it'll never fix 2p0 or kelios or any of them.

i repeat, you all got headshot to the cast 2017, everything since then has you been digging your own holes so it's impressive that you're still doubling down right now even when you hear the train horn and see the headlights

oh am i hurting your precious ego? Are your buddies starting to recognize you're a pissant coward ducking a bet, or figured out why yet? Or are they all so emotionally fragile they're leaning on your shattered glass castle

i'm sure if you scrap at a few more paid M&Gs and articles tho you'll suddenly figure it out right for once, bc that's worked so well for you in the past. this time it's different, right? That's what you tell yourselves to not delete your accounts at this point, right?

admit it, you're all not even here for the show, just for making highschool drama.

you've still refused to let yourself see what's happening and it's honestly embarassing at this point. you can heckle from your idiot M&G fancorner all you want onto the internet, but you know it

you

lolj (called out even by jensen recently that they were too stupid to get)

Kelios

Vinnie

anyone in your orbit including anyone stupid enough to onboard your auction list you burned 5k on that could be found or traced

congrats you're cursed marked troublemakers that sent jensen down the spite shipping hole even before the confession authentically broke him. hope your attention seeking was worth it.

is your only mission to instill disturbance here to make everyone as miserable as you are? Cuz if not. Bet or delete, bro. Put your money where your mouth is or shut the fuck up. permanently.

i am turning 32 in a few days and i have thoughts about it

here's the thing yall. i'm so much happier just being an unhinged weirdo 100% of the time as opposed to making myself palatable and code switching and all of that bullshit. it's SO TIRING. you know what isn't, though? literally just not giving a fuck anymore and just. doing what makes sense in the moment.

that doesn't mean "live without consideration of others", or "live with no filter", or "be insufferable 24/7". like, there are still times where i need to be professional and shit. but what i mean is, instead of making myself smaller - it is so much better to just stick to my guns when you KNOW you know something, and to be honest but unapologetic when you don't.

stick up for yourself. if something feels wrong in your gut, say so. if something feels right, celebrate it. pursue the weird shit you aren't sure if you're gonna like or not. wasted time is time you spent saying "man i wish i did [insert new experience here] today" instead of actually just going out and doing the thing. man, my depression was SO bad for the last, whatever, three years - between being assaulted *again* and stalked and being a nurse at a research hospital throughout the roughest waves of covid, having to resuscitate my neighbors son literally like a week after moving into a new place... fuck, idk. it was just blow after blow after blow after blow and i just felt like, so super hollow.

I literally would come home, crawl in bed, shut off my phone, and talk to no one until I had to go back into work again. friends, family, didn't matter. I hid from EVERYONE and everything and tried to just muscle through it all by myself. and it was the fucking WORST. like, the darkest place I've ever been in, without question.

(real life human company brought me NO joy at all. opposite, even. i would just dread seeing or interacting with anybody at all. most of the time if i talked to anyone, it was to ?people? that weren't there. not like i was hallucinating, or delusional, i knew nobody was really there, i just. idk. it's hard to explain, but i guess if i had to give it a label ... maladaptive daydreaming?)

and now i'm at a place in my life where... yeah, i still have those days where i wake up feeling like "damn. i can't believe i have to probably keep doing this shit for another thirty to fifty goddamn years." not like, suicidal but just exhausted at the very concept of how long and arduous life is and how you just have to keep going for the sake of other people and how fucking *tiring* that is. but, i also have a lot of days where even though i feel terrible, i force myself to get up and do what i need to do no matter how i'm feeling, because if i didn't, i'd literally just sit in bed and say to myself, man, wish i had gone and done that thing today. and i guess that even if life is long and exhausting and tiring, i'd rather be exhausted for a good fucking reason.

so that's why it's so important to me these days to be all in on just pursuing ... idk. whatever seems worthwhile, even if it's hard. there's still this really unbearable, heavy sadness that i grapple with every fuckin day - but you know what makes the sadness a little duller? thinking that i did some good for someone else today, or that i made someone laugh, or feel good about themselves. and the other thing that helps is just allowing myself to feel good, even if other people don't "get" it. i will unabashedly declare my love for a fictional skeleton on main, or i will show up to the function wearing my hair like fucking Misa Amane, or i will talk to cool looking bugs i find on my walks to tell them they look pretty even if they don't know what the fuck I'm saying and I dont!!!! care anymore!!!!! doing these things make me happy! and you know what? i know, FOR A FACT, that being open and honest about how much these things make me happy... makes *other people happy too*. and also empowers them to be able to be more true to themselves!

and there's something else to that, too. the more i like myself and allow myself to be happy, the more self respect i gain - which means suddenly, taking up space in the world doesn't feel like something inherently bad or undeserved.

if you actually read through this fucking novel, thanks, but no hard feelings if you couldn't make it, lmao. i just needed a place to get all of this down.

is it worth it to look into aspd diagnosis? or treatment? ive been questioning it a lot, considering the only person ive ever related to properly about mindset shit has dxed aspd and is convinced i have it. but does diagnosis/treatment really help much? (my roomate currently isnt in therapy, idk if the blog admin is but if anyone reading is maybe they could weigh in?) is it actually worth the hassle and label to get dxed if im pretty good at forcing myself to do shit and act "appropriately" anyway? theres shit other people in my life consider genuine issues, but i dont care myself for it or how they feel about it so itd be a big show in and of itself just making myself get in to see someone. if its not going to do anything for someone treatment resistance id rather just keep on how im going instead.

Oof, tough question. As a disclaimer, I am not a professional and I cannot give medical advice. The following is not in any way an attempt to sway your medical decisions, nor an attempt to discourage anyone from getting help.

I am personally professionally diagnosed and actively in therapy once a week, where I openly discuss my symptoms of ASPD with both my therapist and my psychiatrist.

First off, I definitely think that if someone with ASPD is advising you to look into it, that it is at least worth privately researching. That goes double if you find yourself relating heavily to them in ways you do not relate to prosocials (people without ASPD). Whether or not you have it, and whether or not you decide to seek a diagnosis and/or treatment, understanding this disorder and yourself better are never bad things. If you choose not to seek treatment at this time, knowing what you have or think you have (after a lot of research from many sources!) can lead you to developing safe and healthy coping mechanisms that can avoid you and your loved ones ending up negatively affected by your symptoms.

The question of if it's worth getting diagnosed is a tough one, and again I need to stress this is not medical advice, it is just my opinion. ASPD is a heavily stigmatized and misunderstood diagnosis. If you do not know your providers well, you could end up getting yourself into a situation where a doctor with stigma against ASPD may push you towards emergency treatment that you do not require. They shouldn't, and it's not legal for them to let their bias get in the way of their patients' lives, but it does happen.

If you are going to pursue diagnosis, I strongly advise taking it slowly and only doing so once you have built a strong relationship with your therapist. Mentioning your roommate's diagnosis without in any way implying you relate to their symptoms is a great way to slowly see how they feel about ASPD and make sure you are not entering yourself into an unsafe situation where they may abuse their power.

That said, even if you have a good provider, there are other repercussions to having a diagnosis to think about. The likelihood of adopting children is very low. The likelihood of being able to work in certain fields may be slim to none depending on your area's specific laws about private medical information. In some places, some jobs are allowed to require a full mental health workup from you including your diagnoses. Many of these jobs will not hire someone with ASPD. This is unlikely to affect you at a desk job, but very likely to affect you if you want to work in any caregiving position, or even around animals.

Additionally, if you are ever a defendant in court for any reason, the cards are considerably stacked against you if you are diagnosed with ASPD, even if you did not do anything wrong. The assumption is likely to be that you are guilty and/or a flight risk.

This is definitely not a diagnosis that, in the current state of the world, you want to be open about at work, with landlords, etc. There is little to no social accommodations for ASPD anyway, so keep this diagnosis on a need to know basis if you get it, for your own safety.

Because of all of this, if you are currently able to control your symptoms, you may want to consider if it is worth pursuing diagnosis.

That said, you do not need a dx to get help with symptoms. I honestly think everyone with the privilege to do so should try therapy unless they have particular reasons not to. It has been seriously helpful in my life, as someone with reasonably good control over my symptoms, because it lets me deal with the PTSD that caused the ASPD, and if I really get bothered by a symptom, or someone in my life does and I have nothing else to talk about, it's a safe place to get into that too.

No one ever said you have to tell your therapist everything. It's best to most times, because they are bound by confidentiality, but if you want to go there and only talk about specific things and never bother mentioning certain symptoms, that is an option. In fact, there are many therapists who prefer to work on symptoms directly as opposed to labeling things with diagnoses.

I personally found value in getting diagnosed, even weighed against the risks, because I needed to know what exactly was going on with me and have that confirmed by a professional. If you don't find value in that, there are therapists that agree with you.

Many therapists will have you make goals for therapy, but you can even walk into your intake with those goals and your philosophy on how you want to be helped and find out from day one if that therapist and you are a match in that regard. I would advise anyone looking into therapy to do their own research and find a therapist with good reviews and preferably who deals in the type of therapy you're interested in. I would say that anyone with trauma would likely have better experiences if they only work with trauma/PTSD specialized therapists, as to avoid a lack of trauma informed care.

At the end of the day it's your decision, but I found it can really help the balancing act of pretending to be normal if you have someone who is paid good money to let you unmask, talk openly about your symptoms and feelings on others, and get some advice that might make the whole controlling your symptoms thing easier in ways you didn't expect or think of.

Personally, I think the only way therapy would not help you is if the therapist you talk to is a bad match - and that's coming from someone who swore for many years that I would never go to therapy, and then when I tried it and got a bad match, gave up on it for a year. I'm glad I went back.

Hi ace feel free to completely ignore this ask if its too much, take care of yourself first 🫶

Im having such a difficult time just living, im failing at every subject in college, i feel empty even when i have the best friend anyone can ask for, and just, everything its too much.

Ive been depressed for 9 years now and i dont see any light at the end, im seriously so so sad, i cant really have conversations with my friends, i keep getting high just so i forget everything that is going on and i just dont know what to do

Sorry for venting on you, i just cant anymore

hi lovely, don't worry, it's not too much at all. I've been exactly where you are, and if I'm honest I'm kind of there right now too.

(long ramble about mental health below the cut)

tw for depression and discussion surrounding it.

I think people underestimate how hard just existing is, and having something as stressful as college on top of that can't be easy. I would remind you to be kind to yourself, it might not feel like it but you're achieving a lot right now by just keeping alive, I'm proud of you for it because I know it can feel impossible.

is there any way you can reach out to your college for some support right now? maybe take a small break if you're allowed? or even just tell them you're struggling, you'd be surprised how much people want to help you. more people care about you than you know, I promise.

feeling empty even when you have a support network is so hard because it can feel like you're betraying them. but you're allowed to still feel shit even when you know you have someone with you. feeling like this isn't your fault, your brain is working against itself constantly, and that can just feel impossible.

as far as the empty feeling, I know it all too well. i don't quite know how to get over it yet, if I ever do I'll let you know, but I always try and get a small routine down and try and spend just 1 hour a day doing something I love. the routine can be something as small as brushing your teeth 2 times a day, or going on a 5 minute walk, or even just standing outside for 5 minutes.

and the thing you love doesn't have to be a big thing, you can just let yourself rewatch your favourite show and eat some food you love. maybe spend time with friends if you're up to it, but if you're not, that's okay too. your friend sounds like they understand you, and they love you. They'll be wanting to give you all the support you need when you're ready.

this might be a silly question, but have you ever reached out for professional help? I know lots of us have, and it's been ineffective, but when you find that right professional, it can really help. I promise there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be so small that you can't see it right now, but it's there. it just needs some time to grow.

keeping up with friends is something I struggle with too, even if the messages are lovely, it can feel daunting. Next time you have even a tiny bit of energy, I urge you to tell your friends that. explain that you love them, but it all feels like too much right now. they love and care about you, they will support you in any way you need, im sure of it.

as for the getting high, I'm sorry I don't have any advice there, I personally don't use any drugs, but I completely understand the urge to use them as a coping mechanism. and I think weed, for example, can be helpful when used appropriately, but it's hard to even consider that when you feel so low. if you feel able, it's always best to try and talk to someone who understands what you're going through and why the drugs help. They will be able to help you the best. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for this, though. I wish I did.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you overall, but just know that there are millions of people who are like you right now and millions who have felt like you, and got better. the phrase "it will get better eventually" is cheesy and feels meaningless in moments like this, but it comes from people who have done this, from people who did see it get better. It did for them, and it will for you too.

my dms are always open for a chat, deep and philosophical one or a distraction chat about random things. my ask box is too, I'm here whenever, my love.

I urge you to keep trying and keep pushing even when you feel so weak you don't want to. you are so loved and so valued in this world, even if you can't see it yet <3