#i also dont want to be in an unhealthy situation AGAIN. been there done that Never doing that shit again
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38, 40, and B for all!
38. What memory do they revisit the most often?
Alex:
Alex doesnt thing of the distant past, wont let himself. At least not now. Most things are heavily repressed as much as he can to avoid thinking about that.
In terms of more recent things,,, I think he freudntly revists the memories with his child. He misses the hybrid quite a lot, the parabolan base camp feeling far too empty when he's the only one there. There's a sense of almost nostalgia in returning to those memories, even if the situation was not great, he still misses the times in his own way.
Jamie:
Jamie tries to avoiding revisiting memories (...in more ways then one...) but isn't always so successful in that matter. As far as they're considered the past is done - there's no sense fussing over it, nothing could have been different anyways......
In lighter terms, it's probably happier memories they return to. Old times of telling stories late into the night, adventures when running off into the nearby woods, all sorts of little things.
...in darker terms, it's probably one of the many memories of being alone in the past
Or, perhaps, more recent memories. Of a hand in their hair or the grip on their wrists, and other less entierly wanted things....
Josephine:
She doesn't remember a whole lot from when she was young, both the fading from the years gone by and the ever complicated mix of devasting trauma making it harder to piece together where things fit.
But she remembers lying up in the evening outing, fighting sleep that tried to pull her under, listening to the peaceful sound fingers on keys as her mother played the piano. What that melody was, she has long since forgotten. But the way it made her feel secure, that she keeps.
Aurora:
I think Aurora tends to go back to the memory of her childhood a lot. When she first was taken home by her mother, she gave Aurora a toy bear, the first toy Aurora ever really had. She thinks on that memory a lot, and what came from it, and where she is now.
They also frequently revist a memory of the first time they truly spilt blood. It wasnt even intentional - fencing blades arent supposed to be sharp. they dont know what happened... or truly what they remember
40. How sensitive are they to their own flaws?
Alex:
I think,,,,,, Alex is aware, somewhat, of his flaws. But it really depends on his flaws. Alex knows he's grouchy and awkward and doesnt get along with people because of it- and he's fine with that. Most of the time he wants to be left alone and not deal with other people. It only becomes a problem when he wants to get along and help someone and is left unable to do so. he really doesnt mean to come across as insulting, but he know he does.
Other things well... Alex knows he has a temper. He's aware and tries his best to avoid loosing his cool but well... its hard. especially with the situations he's been in leaving emotional regulation all the more difficult for him. He's terrified of turning out like the people who've hurt him, terrified of hurting those he cares about, and he's quite sensistive about his anger because of these things. He doesnt know what to do.
And then theres the things he's not fully aware of. at least not fullly. Alex's hypocricy and controlling behaviour are things he really should be more sensitive too but... well. its harder to recgonize these things when you believe its justified.
Jamie:
Extremely, extremely sensitive to their flaws. And then some. Jamie tends to over exagerate their own performance and see flaws even when they arent there. Were they talking too loud again? For too long? Did they say the right things? To the right people? Everyone was watching them, what if they did it wrong? They are the type of person to lie awake at night analyzing every single interaction theyve had during the day and then some. They tend to get heavily into their own head and overjudged and anaylze their every fault in a very unhealthy way.
Thats not to say this really effects the way they behave. Jamie still acts selfish and self serving, still tends to talk over and past others, and hardly ever learns their lesson about sticking their nose where it doesnt belong, or insulting people when they really shouldnt. No matter if theyre aware that they shouldnt do these things they still..... do it.
They know what they do isnt healthy. They know interacting with certains things and certain people isnt good for them
They still do it anyways.
Josephine:
Josie is well...she's a very ends justify the mean type of person. Yes of course her obsessive need to know isn't good, yes she can become overly captured on a topic, yes she keeps information she knows from others people but this is all FOR A REASON. she has goals to reach, plans in motion, things to come. is it always morally good? No. But the world they live in isnt either. Some sacrifices have to be made.
Other things, she denies all together. It is very clear to anyone that Josie is too caught up in her grief, her inability to move on. But how can she be blamed for that? When the world has been so horridly unfair to her?
So yes, i suppose Josephine is sensitive to and aware of her flaws. but she would never admit and succumb to them.
Aurora:
Rory has no flaws. She sees nothing wrong with what she's doing. She certainly doesn't sit up at night wondering if there's any purpose in what she does, if killing for the sake of it is at all worth her time.
In other things well.... She grew up with the world so insistent that she had to behave one way, its hard still not to view just existing against the mold as a flaw, no matter how untrue it is. she tends to just shove everything down and try to avoid thinking about it.
B) What inspired you to create them?
idk i just work here.
my ocs come to me in a beam to my head and they exist from then on out
i guess their individual ambitions inspired me ajkfglglhljk
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i’ve been trying to figure out what to do, bc the more im away from ssoblr the more it became obvious that i feel intensely fucking shit when i go on here and feel better when im not on here
- due to the ppl who decided to make shit up about me behind my back and then double down on it and say “look!! he IS mean [for being hurt and upset - as a longterm victim of abuse and bullying, which everyone knows about]” when i try to talk about that.
i just dont know what to do. i liked it here, and i did my best (as someone with severe social anxiety and with ptsd from abuse! i’m not perfect, but i did my best!) to talk to ppl directly, even the ones who have been rude or nonsensical or mean or whatever other form of disrespectful to other ppl. (that includes anons i received and normal convos.)
but everytime i go on here now im just reminded about how ppl i thought i could trust would turn on me and make shit up about me instead of actually talk to me, and when i tried to talk to them directly, it would be shut down or discouraged. while the behind-my-back stuff clearly was never actually acknowledged or resolved.
at this point i just feel so lost. i dont know what to do. when i try to resolve it instead i get told even worse things and got hurt *more* instead of getting a resolution. and i get told “you talk too much” and shit like this, so what? talking isn’t bad. treating others unfairly is bad. i wish i had a penny for everytime someone told me i talk too much! imagine, humans are different! talking isn’t harmful and when i was told to “stop replying to me if you don’t agree”, i did, aka i stopped talking, as much as i feel it’s an odd way to handle things.
even my gf got grouped in with me as if she had done something wrong. what exactly these things we both did that are wrong, seems really unclear. i know that ppl got upset about specific things but i don’t really see how the things are wrong, and if nobody is ready to explain that, what can i do? what am i supposed to do? when *i* see someone post unfair or mean things, i replied to them and said “hey, this isn’t fair” etc... but the same group of people told me to stop doing that. (either by direct words, or by blocking me, or whatever.)
what do you want me to do then? to not reply when someone is mean, but also to think it’s okay for people to talk about me in private chats, and therefore to not get a chance myself to explain or defend myself since you refuse to talk to me directly about it? i hate all of this. it’s school style bullying at the point that you talk about others negatively in private and don’t have anyone there to offer a different perspective or defend them.
i didnt talk about any of these ppl behind anyone’s back: part of what made some ppl mad is the public posts i made (during panic attacks from severe mental illness and stressful poor life situations!) containing ~narcissistic judgmental mean content~ such as “i can’t handle ppl being irrational and mean”, or “people should stop being irrational and mean”, or “people should get help (just like i do) if they’re unhealthy and immature”.
bc you know, it’s not like ppl were irrational and mean to me or others, i just made that up. and it’s definitely only about x persons on ssoblr who likes to think all vagues are about them and not the entire humanity (aka: ive been open about how many ppl have mistreated, abused or bullied me, actually, and every fucking time i go in a fandom i meet ppl who latch on to me as an easy target bc im Different. one person being immature or unhealthy isn’t unique; i meet them everywhere; if they treat others with disrespect or unfairly they are causing harm, no matter how common they are, and therefore it’d be great if they tried to fix that by studying psychology and getting mental healthcare. because it’s not okay to hurt others or be mean and you should stop. whoops, am i being a mean narcissist again?)
i really wish all the trying-to-talk-it-out happened publically because i needed backup. they can keep doing what they do and everyone else thinks they didn’t hurt anyone because i handled this in private out of respect (i don’t believe in cancelling and blocking and all this shit). if nobody knows what happened then they’re also free to keep manipulating the perspective and act as if i really did do something wrong (i’ve asked what i did wrong and i get no answer. contrary to Things People Make Up About Me, i actually do want to know if i did something wrong, and try to make it right - and no, you’re not unique if you Made Things Up About Me, so that’s not just about one person, yet again).
it’s not comparable to say “you’re talking too much” vs “you hurt me”. it’s not comparable to say “you wrote public posts where you said being mean and irrational is bad” vs “talking behind someone’s back in a private space where they or their friends can’t defend them”. the things aren’t the same. you can’t just act like all emotional reactions are equal when they’re not.
i really dont know what to do. i dont feel safe or comfortable on here, i feel like shit that they hurt me like this and are still hellbent on that somehow it was my own fault and also it never happened anyway.
(btw, i was literally told “we talk about you sooo much” and then told “no, we never talk about you”... “he thinks ppl talk about him”... as if i was being delusional or grasping in thin air, for putting together two and two when i know for a fact i had been talked about *and* i don’t see any other explanation than talking-behind-my-back for how some of the rude/mean things even reached me the way they did. anons that mysteriously sound exactly like the people who were being rude/mean and part of the same group? ppl replying to me just to be rude who supposedly don’t even follow me - i’d guess my posts were being linked somewhere? i mean, it’s not a far reach when you know it’s all one same group of people that do talk to each other in private where nobody can speak for me. i’m open to other explanations, but i haven’t been given any.)
also, to be clear because ppl love to make shit up about me:
i dont talk about any of this to insult or shame or whatever. i already talked directly to ppl from the very beginning and talked publically about my opinions and thoughts and this is what made them upset.
i talk about this because im fucking lost and ssoblr is my only “big” fandom community. i’m really sad to think about leaving, like really really sad. i just don’t know what else to do when the people who hurt me are still here and still acting as if i did something wrong, but not ready to talk to me about it respectfully.
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i smoked a cigarette and i wasnt even that drunk
there were a few things i wanted to write about today but theyre lost to me now and i wish i at least wrote down the general Idea. but i've at least noticed that ive been actively Indulging in more...taboo? things i wouldn't normally or were too scared to try. i've smoked two cigarettes this summer (woah!), had two shroom trips (WOAH!), had sex with a man for the first time (JEEZ!!), i'm smoking weed more often (hmmm....), and i'm thinking of testing the waters with (recreational?) adderall. this is not to say that i'm going downhill, or self sabotaging, or actively trying to harm myself and others. in fact, i quite like this sort of indulgence i'm in. let me do some unhealthy things right now. i don't think i Deserve it but i just....idk...i kinda need it?
i've always been in this need for control--to have it, to be in it. it's very hard to do new things that way because i don't know what i'm getting into. i'm at the whimsy of the uncomfortable zone. i focus too much on the potential negative of a situation: i'm going to have a bad trip, i'm going to make a bad drawing, i'm going to humiliate myself because i am New To This. and that's where i lack grace and freedom and embracing the Fun of being new.
it sucks that being new at something, trying new things, meeting new people, putting yourself out there in some capacity makes me feel like a burden. if i'm not the responsibility of someone else (i.e. a supervising coworker, a babysitting friend, an experienced lover) then i'm a burden to my own ego. even if i'm alone in my room trying to shake my ass i still feel incredibly embarrassed by my own reflection. seeing such failure (seeing my own body) is maybe worse than sharing it with someone else. there's a humor in that vulnerability that brings me closer to whoever i'm sharing that with: coughing while smoking a cig, readjusting on a dick, spilling a nutcracker in your hair while tripping on the beach are all moments that, while silly and messy and unprepared, bring me closer with the person on the other side of that. it shows a little bit of humanity and humility.
that is not extended to moments with myself though. i dont really know how to fully explain it. maybe it's some degree of not being comfortable with myself or perfectionist problems i have and self-perception etc etc etc. but have you ever failed yourself so hard you don't even want to try again? there is no one else to laugh along with you or reassure you or empathize. when i fail myself, I Fail Myself. yknow? ehhh not really something i want to think about further.
random things i have Happy Feelings for:
came home last night after being in a weed comatose at nat's and hammered nails into my walls so i can hang my belts. it was a random spurt of energy that got something i wanted done but for some reason never tried to do in my free time (i realize i am wayyyyy too adaptable to my own traps of inconvenience. i put the bag of toiletries in my room to Force Me to unpack them and ultimately left it in the way for a couple weeks before just stuffing the whole bag in the closet.)
really liked todays episode of the sopranos: s1e12. junior and tony both deal with mortality in different ways. not much more to say on it right now
also between this episode ^ (isabella the madonna hallucination), honestly themes of the show in general, and watching contrapoints content i've gotten a little interested in reading more about freud LOL. he kinda makes a lot of points??? like we all know this we're just freaked out about the mommy sex stuff. there's a tangent contra video on gamergate and an article she sourced talked about Gamers feeling threatened about their Space, their Games, being taken away by The Woke Mob--AKA women, aka MOMMY. the looming fear of mom coming in your room and saying it's time to stop playing. getting grounded and no video games for a week. mom said it's my turn to use the xbox. that fear recurring in these sad adult men being forced to look at their own flaws. their lack of perspective. stupid sluts coming in and ruining the fun, taking away our games. i found that psychoanalytic perspective reallllllyyyyy interesting
finding a new perspective on chores and self care: there's no rush with it. this is not a thing that needs to be Taken Care Of right this second. my whole evening should be dedicated to doing things on My Terms. i spend 40 hours of my week, every week, doing things on another entity's terms. i do shit when i wanna!!!! and it's for ME!!!!
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high | d.m
summary: you find an unhealthy way of coping after draco cheats on you
warnings: drug use (marijuana) angsty¿, cheating, illusions to sex
song: habits - tove lo
a/n: this fic isn’t meant to romanticize drug use in any way. i also know nothing abt weed so LOL and very rushed & not edited
masterlist | taglist
I eat my dinner in my bathtub
Then I go to sexclubs
Watching freaky people gettin' it on
It doesn't make me nervous
If anything I'm restless
Yeah, I've been around and I've seen it all
you had a few minutes left of your charms class which was your last class before the weekend. you wanted nothing more than to get out of here and cuddle up with your boyfriend— who was enjoying his free period right now.
draco was one of the best boyfriends you could ask for, the frequent dates, gifts, and attention— it was more than you could wish for.
“you’re excused. you essays are due at the beginning of next week” snapes monotone voice dragged on as you quickly packed up your things and made your way to the slytherin common room.
I get home, I got the munchies
Binge on all my Twinkies
Throw up in the tub
Then I go to sleep
And I drank up all my money
Days get kinda lonely
entering the slytherin common room your eyes immediately searched for a certain blond boy, yet he was nowhere to be found. you made your way to the boys dorms in hopes of finding him there but you’re quickly interrupted by two familiar voices.
“why hello y/n, marvellous weather we’re having today aren’t we?” theo asked looking towards the ceiling and smiling as if he were outside, blaise blocking your path as he did so.
“i’m not sure what weather you’re talking about since we’re inside but i am okay thank you” you responded with a chuckle, trying to make your way past blaise.
“wait y/n” he stopped you. “can i borrow the astronomy notes? i would ask luna but i can’t find her anywhere” blaise continued.
they both seemed awfully on edge and anxious, you figured it was just quidditch nerves getting to them since there was an upcoming game this week.
“i have yet to finish my astronomy notes, but i did see luna in the great hall if you want her notes. now if you’d excuse me i’d like to see draco” you said trying to push past the two boys who still wouldn’t let you through.
“forget malfoy! let’s do something instead, we’re so much more fun than him, right blaise?” theo said giving blaise a pointed look as he threw his arm around your shoulder.
“right you are nott, let’s go!” blaise continued also throwing his arm around your shoulder and leading you away from the boys dorm.
“what? no, i have plans with draco. now excuse me” you said pushing them both off and heading towards dracos door.
as you get closer to his door you can hear heavy breathing, pants and skin slapping on skin. you’re confused, you figured draco would be taking a nap or running over drills for quidditch practice. the closer you get, the louder the noises become.
“pans, you feel so good”
you recognize that voice anywhere.
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
quickly you turned your head towards blaise and theo who had their heads lowered in shame, refusing to meet your gaze. “is this some kind of sick joke, are you guys pulling a prank or something because this isn’t funny” you said seriously not wanting to believe what you’re hearing from inside of your boyfriends dorm.
“we’re sorry, we tried to convince him not too but he wouldn’t listen” theo muttered silently.
it felt like your world was breaking apart slowly. just not too long ago you were excited to spend a weekend with your boyfriend who you loved so dearly, the same boyfriend who you’ve been dating for years, the same boyfriend who gets jealous about how much time you spend with his mum rather than him.
with shaky fingers you put your hand on the door knob and quickly pushed the door open, already preparing for the worst.
there he was, wrapped up with parkinson in the same bed you two shared not even twenty-four hours ago. her body straddling his naked, just like yours was doing the night before. you stood there frozen, mouth agape— not even knowing what to do with yourself.
“baby, i can explain, just please— y/n please don’t leave” draco said pushing pansy off of him, shuffling on his pants and reaching out towards you.
“dont touch me, malfoy!” you yelled and everyone froze. “you lost the right to touch me the minute you even thought of touching her” you continued sending both him and pansy a glare with tears threatening to slip from your eyes.
“darling please, i can explain—”
“no draco, we’re done just leave me alone, please” your voice cracking at the end as you pushed past blaise and theo rushing towards the girls dormitory.
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh
it’s been days since you last left your room, days since you last saw draco. daphne would come by and check on you but you’d always dismiss her, wanting to be alone. regret is one word to describe how you’ve been feeling— you gave him everything and he threw it away so carelessly for a quick hook up.
you missed waking up against his smooth skin in his embrace, tracing the lines and scars across his porcelain skin as you waited for him to wake up, the way he’d try to kiss you in the morning without brushing his teeth and you wouldn’t let him because of morning breath— but he’d still do it anyways.
you missed him, but he didn’t want you anymore.
maybe it was something you’ve done, you’ve been quite busy with work recently so you haven’t been spending as much time with him as normal. he was probably lonely and trying to seek the attention you lacked to give him.
getting up, you stared at yourself in the mirror picking yourself apart. you were pretty, it was a well known fact around hogwarts, maybe he thought she was prettier. she was the life of the party and always up for some mischief whereas you preferred to do stuff in silence and would rather be with a small group of people. maybe he liked how exciting she was in comparison to you, she probably brought a spark of excitement to his life that you couldn’t.
dreading to feel something you quickly showered and got ready to leave your room hoping to run into a specific set of twins.
Pick up daddies at the playground
How I spend my daytime
Loosen up the frown,
Make them feel alive
I'll make it fast and greasy
I'm on my way to easy
“well what can we do for you today” fred said to you with a cheeky smile plastered across his face.
“do you have any muggle herb left?” you asked in a low voice making sure no one heard you.
“maybe we do, maybe we don’t” george said. “how much are you offering in exchange though” he continued.
“ten galleons for three ounces, is that enough” you said pulling the galleons out of your pockets and placing them in george’s palm.
“it was a pleasure doing business with you” they said in unison as fred placed the tiny baggie in your pocket so no one would see.
once you returned to your dormitory you quickly pulled out the pre-rolled muggle herb, lit it and let yourself forget.
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
Spend my days locked in a haze
Trying to forget you babe
I fall back down
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
you started showing up to class late with red tired eyes, not caring about the looks you got. at this point every one knew what had happened but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.
the muggle herb brought you a sense of bliss and freedom, a new feeling you haven’t felt before but something that you now craved.
“are you high right now?” draco said as he sat himself in the seat beside you.
“since when do you care about what i’m doing” you said sharply, not wanting to talk with him.
“love, you don’t smoke. who gave that stuff to you, i’ll kill them—”
“no you won’t.” you said turning towards him. “you won’t do any of that because you don’t own me and i’m not your girlfriend anymore. so mind your business malfoy, i’m sure parkinson’s waiting for you”
the rest of the class you both sat in silence working on potions that draco did most of since you weren’t in the correct mind state and he wasn’t willing to let his mark falter over your slip up.
you find it amazing how even when you’re on drugs he still looks amazing. the way his nose curves perfectly with a slight bump, and the way his hands move with caution as he pours the potion into the waste bucket.
“look, i’m sorry for what happened with pansy. it didn’t mean anything i swear, i don’t know why i did it but i regret it with my life” draco said breaking your thoughts, he looked older than normal and had dark circles underneath his under eyes. you wondered why he looked so distraught when he wasn’t the one who got cheated on.
“a sorry isn’t going to fix this draco” you told him. he knew you were right but he didn’t want to admit it. he hadn’t talked to pansy since the day you walked in on them, the guilt has been eating him up inside. he stayed silent and didn’t bother respond to you, he knew anything he said would have made the situation worst than it already is— but how he wished you were still his sweet y/n.
“now if you excuse me, i have some fun to attend too” you said leaving him alone as you made your way back to your dorm.
Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun, it got no end
Can't go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain
You're gone and I gotta stay
High all the time
To keep you off my mind
over the last few weeks, you couldn’t remember the last time you were sober. you started skipping classes to smoke and avoiding your friends so they’d stop questioning your habits.
you were forgetting and that’s all that mattered, you didn’t care how it was affecting your health— it made you feel better. sometimes you wished there was another way, another way to forget how he held you at night pressing soft kisses to your skin, another way to forget the way he took pansy the same way he took you. you wonder if he feels as sorry as he looks, he’s the one who cheated so he can’t possibly care that much.
you hear two knocks at your door which quickly break you from your state making you more attentive, cleaning yourself up and opening the door. there stood draco— his eyes red as well, like hes been crying.
“y/n listen, i know what i did was wrong and that i tried to pretend it wasn’t me but please. i didn’t mean too, you mean the world to me. i miss you so much love.” he pleaded with you.
“y’know draco, i miss you too” you admitted. “but i’ve found a way to forget about you, maybe you should do the same”.
Gotta stay high all my life
To forget I'm missing you
-
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#draco malfoy x reader#draco malfoy#draco malfoy fluff#draco malfoy smut#draco fuckingmalfoy#draco malfoy angst#harry potter#draco lucius malfoy
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i dont "kin for fun" but through tiktok i found out about the whole kin for fun vs actual otherkin... situation ig? im having a really hard time taking it seriously... maybe im just burnt out and bitter from dealing with the worlds current events, and maybe its because on tiktok the only people i saw mad about it were white people, but you're the most reasonable person ive seen talking about it (a lot of other posts have this odd tone that 12 year olds on tiktok saying kin is the worlds greatest opression and it weirds me out) so ig my question is just... why exactly does this matter? why does it matter enough to post about and care about and not just ignore? /gen
Hey! I don’t blame you for being a bit weirded out by it, we’re a weird subculture and we’re well aware of it! xD I appreciate you taking the time to actually look into it past your first knee-jerk reaction, especially considering burnout and the state of things.
I’m not totally sure if you’re asking why otherkinity matters or why the “kin for fun” being wrong matters, so I’ll answer both - they’re pretty well tied together anyway.
The short version:
Otherkinity is an identity. It’s who we are, we can’t choose to pick it up or put it down, and it comes with struggles - though no, ‘kin are not systematically oppressed (though we are pretty badly bullied and, at this point, pushed out of our own words and spaces).
What people calling roleplay/relating to/projecting onto characters “kinning for fun” does is steal our words, make them meaningless, and in doing so, make it difficult or impossible for us to find each other. If someone says “I kin [x],” I no longer know whether they mean “I am [x] on an intrinsic level” or “haha I relate to this character a lot”. I no longer know whether they actually share my experiences or if they’re going to turn on me and call me “crazy” as soon as they realize I’m not exaggerating or joking or roleplaying. It’s done massive harm to the community as a whole because it’s become difficult to tell whether someone is actually ‘kin or if they’ve misunderstood the whole thing - and because antikin rhetoric, which I’m seeing more and more in KFF spaces, hurts far more when it’s coming from inside what you thought was a community space than when it’s coming from self-labeled “antikin.”
There are other words for roleplaying and relating to and projecting onto characters. Hell, there are words for strongly identifying with-but-not-as characters/things, though usually KFF people don’t even seem serious enough for those to fit in my experience. I’m really not sure why these people are so determined to steal and misuse our words, words that were specifically created to mean something else, when they already have their own and are just refusing to use them. (Or, hell, if you don’t feel like those fit, make your own. We did. It’s your turn to put in the work. (General you, not you-the-anon, of course.))
An analogy, if that still doesn’t quite land for you:
Consider, for a moment, the transgender community. I am aware this is a dangerous thing to say, but bear with me. Obvious CW for hypothetical transphobia up ahead is obvious.
Consider if you were part of the trans community (I don’t know if you are or not), having finally found a word to explain why you feel the way you do about yourself, why your experiences don’t seem to match up with those of everyone else around you. Having found a community, a home, full of other people like you, people you never would have met if not for words like “transgender” and “gender dysphoria/euphoria” that were created specifically to describe your experiences.
Now consider if people suddenly stumbled across your community for the first time who were not trans themselves. They see community jokes and lighthearted posts out of context, because Tumblr and Twitter aren’t exactly conducive to making sure people find the Transgender 101 information posts first. They don’t bother to do further research, assuming they understand: ah, these people like to crossdress! They like to pretend they’re a different gender! This seems like a fun hobby, I want in!
They begin to post things like this. They post photos of them crossdressing and caption them “hi, I’m [name], and I trans men!” and things of the like. Suddenly the concept of “transing for fun” seems to be everywhere - and it’s not at all what being trans actually is, but these people either don’t know or don’t care. When actual trans people try to politely correct them, they’re accused of “gatekeeping” - and to be clear, this is not “nonbinary people aren’t real,” it’s “transgender means you identify as a gender other than the one you were assigned at birth, and you’re self-identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth 100% and telling us this is just a fun hobby for you, therefore you’re not trans, you’re crossdressing or doing drag or being GNC. That’s fine, but it’s not being trans - you have other words to describe that, use those.”
(Yes, I am aware these things have a history with the trans community - please just ignore that for the sake of the analogy and bear with me on the slightly simplified version of this. “Kinning for fun” does not have that same history with the otherkin community.)
...And then the response to those attempted corrections, in some corners, turns into “wait, you ACTUALLY think you’re another gender? idk that sounds pretty unhealthy, maybe you should see a psychologist or something :\” and “you’re taking this too seriously.”
I imagine, in this hypothetical scenario, you’d also be pretty fuckin peeved.
(Obviously, in this hypothetical scenario, systematic transphobia would be an issue as well, which isn’t the case for otherkin - again, you’re gonna have to bear with me on the simplification for sake of analogy there.)
(EDIT: this is not an anti-MOGAI/exclusionist argument, this is “you’re literally telling me you don’t fit the definition,” explanation on that here)
The long version, which is probably still worth reading if you have the time and energy:
Otherkinity is... pretty core to who I am, who we as a group of individuals are. We live with being otherkin on a daily basis. Many of us spent a long time feeling different and disconnected and not understanding why until we found the otherkin community. Even people like me, who don’t share that experience and still had social connection - I’ve still had to live with weird differences that I had to learn to mask when necessary; instincts that don’t line up with human society well, feeling body parts that weren’t there and that no one else ever seemed to have, things that other kids grew out of because it was just make-believe for them and I... didn’t, because it was never make-believe for me to begin with. Oh, sure, I played make-believe too - I played warrior cats and house and all those things with the other kids, but there were things that weren’t play-pretend for me too. I didn’t have an explanation for it for a long time - it was just how I was, I was weird, and fortunately for me personally I was okay with that (many of those with species dysphoria or more trouble connecting with humans have more problems from that than I did).
And then I found the word “otherkin.” And suddenly everything fell into place, and I had an explanation for the things I’d been experiencing, and there were other people like me. Something I’d assumed didn’t exist. I found others who shared my unique experiences, who were talking about how to cope with the instinct to growl or snap jaws at people instead of expressing annoyance in a human way instead of just saying “that’s weird, don’t do that”, who were talking about dealing with phantom wings and tails, who understood me. I wasn’t weird, I wasn’t broken, I was exactly what one would expect from a dragon living in human skin. I found an explanation for myself. I found a home.
That is why otherkinity matters - it is who we are, it’s not something we can walk away from (certainly not most of us, anyway), and it’s something many of us need the support of the community to help deal with on a daily basis. Being a nonhuman in human society isn’t always easy, but it’s not something we can just magically stop being - it’s core to who we are, we (generally) didn’t choose to be this way, and we (generally) can’t choose to stop. Which is fine - the vast majority of us can cope with it just fine, with a little advice and help and space to be our authentic selves in. We found each other, we built this community from the ground up to make a space and words to make finding each other easier - or possible at all.
Thus we come to the second half of our story.
It was only a couple of years ago that the “kin for fun” trend started getting big. It had existed before that, of course, but it only started going mainstream two, maybe three years ago, from what I can tell. Suddenly people were treating “kin” like it meant relating to, projecting onto, roleplaying as, or just really really liking a character or thing - not being that thing, which is what it actually means. Not long after that, it became hard to tell whether someone saying “I kin this” meant they were that thing, that they were actually part of our community - or that they really really liked that thing and either didn’t know or couldn’t be bothered to learn that that wasn’t the case for us.
Not long after that, it became relatively commonplace to hear phrases like “otherkin are ruining kinning!!” and “you’re taking this too seriously” and “idk, if it’s that serious for you that sounds unhealthy. maybe you should get some help :\” (all directly quoted, or as exactly quoted as I can remember, from things KFF people have said to me or people I know).
It is a special kind of hell, I think, to be told “you’re taking this too seriously, that’s unhealthy” by people who are taking words created to describe your experiences, not theirs, and misusing them to mean something that you do for fun on a weekend instead of something that’s intrinsic to your being.
Perhaps more importantly, like I’ve said, it’s making it almost impossible to know whether someone who says “I kin [x]” is actually ‘kin or if they’re misusing our words to mean something else entirely. The entire point of words is to communicate ideas, and once you start misusing words to mean something totally different than what they actually mean, that communication falls apart and suddenly we might as well not have those words at all. Especially when the community is small enough and obscure enough that we’re starting to be outnumbered by the misinformation. We’re being run out of our own words, words we created to describe our experiences specifically - because we’re a small community that the wider internet can easily drown out by sheer numbers of people who either don’t know any better or don’t care to learn.
That’s the harm it does - the harm it is doing, right now. That’s why it’s important enough to post about. That’s why it matters - because we’re fighting desperately to hang onto our own words so that others like us can actually find us. Because we’re seeing young nonhumans go “this isn’t a kin, I actually am this” and screaming “No, I’m so sorry that this is what the misinformation has done to you, that’s exactly what otherkin means, you have a place here, please don’t let these non-’kin misusing our words drive you away from the very community you’re looking for and that you belong in.” Because we can’t even communicate effectively about our own experiences anymore except in semi-closed spaces like Discord servers and forums (and the number of Discord servers overrun with KFF people is absurd).
......This got very long. Hopefully it at least explained why it matters so much to me and others a bit better ^^; Thanks for hearing me out, and thank you again for looking into this beyond your initial knee-jerk reaction - I really do appreciate it.
(For further reading, if that text wall didn’t blow you out of the water completely, I recommend my “kin for fun” tag, which has more posts like this in both short and long form.)
#probably should've put this under a cut but oh well#otherkin#kin for fun#kinnie#kinning#rani talks#asked and answered#anonymous#rani talks A LOT apparently sbfldkngjlksdf#i have a lot of feelings on this#long post
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hiya totally not self-projecting here but can you do something with bakugou and a s/o who has a really messed up family and home life? and make it very soft and gentle please. its the kind of home where the mom and dad are married but its a very unhealthy relationship. shouting fights are a regular occurrence, and the parents by themselves are assholes to their kid. just to put my situation in perspective, my father has tried slapping/grabbing my ass ‘playfully’ infinitely more times than he’s ever tried genuinely complementing me. he’s done other stuff, but i don’t feel comfortable sharing that. my mother cares more about image, both hers and mine, over people themselves and screams at me over the most stupid stuff. they’re also both conservative, and i’m lgbt, so that obviously isn’t something i can easily share. i’m sorry if this topic isn’t one you feel comfortable writing about, you don’t have to do this request. i just want some escape right now, and hell, someone or something who can at least pretend that they’ll help me, and validate my struggle. tell me it’s real, that i’m real. even though my dad calls me stupid and an idiot for fighting back against my mom, it’s one of the things that reminds me of my reason for treading the water for so long. it reminds me that i didn’t give up, even after all these years, in a way. i pretend and tip-toe around them so much in order to protect who i am. the fact that i don’t cry about it either, makes it seem like i’m just pretending. like i’m not really in a bad situation, but making it bad in my head when really it’s really not a big deal. i’ve gotten very tired because of all this. can katsuki be there to help me? i’m sorry. this was more vent/rant than request. you don’t have to do this one if you don’t want to.
hi love! im sorry i couldnt get this done sooner ive had a busy weekend :( but im genuinely so sorry and upset that you have to deal with this and if you want to dm me to rant im 100% down to listen! i hope this helps you at least a little bit love <3
you show up to katsuki’s door, and jump into his arms and start crying. he catches you of course, trying not to freak out because he doesnt know why you’re crying. he stood in complete shock before speaking up.
“b-baby? whats wrong are you hurt?”
you sniffled before replying
“i- just-“
you couldnt finish your sentence before breaking down into tears again. at this point, bakugou was feeling a swirl of emotions. concerned, sad, upset. he didnt know what was wrong, but he knew you needed him. he walked you two over to his room and laid down, with your head on his chest and your legs interwined.
he rubbed circles on your back, and whispered reassuring things into your ear, giving you time to calm down enough to where you could talk with him and tell him whats wrong.
you sniffled before speaking. you went on and on about how hard things have been for you, how uncomfortable you feel in your own home, how you can no longer tell if its really “that bad” or if you’re just overreacting because you’ve gotten so used to this. how you’ve grown..numb to it all. you told him everything and he listened very keenly. you could tell he was getting upset too, you could feel his mucles tensing up underneath you.
“i am gonna try to not let my anger show right now because thats not what you need, but dont you fucking dare say you’re over reacting. i know that it’ll be hard to convince you that you’re not, but please trust and listen to me angel. everything you’re going through may seem normal to you now but you don’t deserve to be in a situation like this and it is not normal. you can’t even be who you really are because you’re afraid of what the outcome is. thats not normal baby.”
he took a second to readjust you, so he was sitting up against the head board and you’re straddling his lap, facing him. he wiped the drying tears of your face and laced his fingers with yours before continuing.
“all your feelings towards this are valid, 100% valid. you feeling numb is because you’re used to this routine where.. people constantly invalidate you and your feelings. which means you’re gonna let those feelings build up until one day you wont be able to handle it anymore and thats not healthy, angel. you dont deserve to be in this situation angel and ill do everything i can to get you out of there, okay? you know i would love for you to move in with me so i could just... protect you from it all. but please believe me when i say that you’re not overreacting and that what you feel is real, its all real my love. all of it”
he pulled you in for a tight hug, putting his face in the crook of your neck to inhale your light scent. he began to kiss lightly, from your neck sll the way up to your cheeks to your lips, which made you giggle at the sensation.
he felt himself relax at hearing you laugh, and move back enough so he could see your whole face. even with puffy eyes and dried tears on your face, he thought you were the most ethereal being in the universe. nothing would ever change his mind about his precious angel.
he lifted a hand to caress your face, his thumb rubbing soft circles into your cheek.
“ill protect you baby. i promise no one can hurt you here.”
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Wei Wuxian is selfish, actually~ is the deeper meaning of mdzs? I can't believe I had to read this with my own two eyeballs. Exactly how low is the reading comprehension on this site lmfao. Was his decision to give his golden core to Jiang Cheng without telling him Not A Great Idea™? Yes I think so. Objectively giving your "organ" to someone and not telling them is fucked up. But was it selfish? Exactly how? It was arguably the result of his upbringing and him feeling indebted to the Jiangs. He said it himself if I remember correctly that without the Jiangs he wouldn't have a gc anyway so he owes it to them. Which feels like unhealthy attitude to have towards oneself but like the exact opposite of selfishness. If we tried to stretch this to max, one could argue that wei wwx keeping the transfer itself a secret was selfish because he didn't want Jiang Cheng mad at him. But Jiang Cheng was mad at him anyway and if that theory was true, if Wuxian did give up his core for selfish reasons and because he's somehow selfish then this would be the first thing he'd throw into Jiang Cheng's face the second he needs to guilt trip him. You know? Like Jing Huangyao did to Xichen with "Didn't I take care of you?" in the Guanyin temple. sorry for the rant
tbh i think the person who bore the worst of the bad decision of the golden core transfer was wwx himself. its one of the main factors that lead to his downfall and then his death. jc wouldnt have been able to be the sect leader, but it would have been his family pride and his own that would have been hurt in this situation. im sure given time he would have been able to make something out of himself, plus at this stage he was already out of immediate danger, so he wouldn't have been able to fight in the war, but he could have stayed alive but sticking to his sisters side.
wwx tho, through giving up his golden core, was immediately beaten and thrown off a cliff where he had to survive in corpse hell for three months, inventing a heretic path that made him unbelievably powerful but also an enemy because of said unknown power, and then died.
like clearly giving up his core here was the worse option here for everyone but jiang cheng. but like you said, this version of wwx would always give up his golden core for jiang cheng, because he thought it was what was owed to him, that he didnt have any right to a core if jc didnt because without the jiangs he wouldnt have had a chance to cultivate one in the first place. and again like you said, this is a really unhealthy way to look at it, because ultimately the golden core was his and no one elses, he cultivated it using his own talent and merits and how powerful he was really had nothing to do with the jiangs. its the same thought process he had about yzy cuttin off his hand, than he would gladly lose a hand for the sect, because that was what is expected of him. to give up every little bit of himself for the jiang sect, whether or not they ever repaid back that loyalty to him like... at all. he was expected to blindly follow along whether they treated him well or not.
and youre right, if we stretch it you could argue that wwx didnt tell jc about it because he didnt want to have to deal with him getting angry at him. but also, i think the main reason he didnt tell him is because he knew what sort of mentality jc had, and that jc wouldnt see this as a sacrifice wwx was willing to make for the jiang sect, but rather wwx trying to one up him once again. tbh wwx doesnt even view this as a noble sacrifice on his part, he did it because he believed it to be his duty, and i dont really blame him for not wanting to deal with jcs bullshit over it when he could just pop his core into him and they can all go about his life (but heres where wwxs actual flaw is, believe that everyone can let things go as easily as he can. which is clearly not the case, and it leads him into situations such as this one).
and thats also a good point, if he did it for selfish reasons, what was stopping him after he came back to life and jc was trying to capture him, from rubbing it in his face?? trying to make jiang cheng suffer for spending a decade obsessed with finding him and using his own core to whip demonic cultivators in effort to prove it was wwx. why wouldnt he use this to his advantage to try and escape the blame that jc constantly puts on him. because he didnt do it to hold over jiang cheng or to help himself sleep at night, he gave up his core because thats what he believed he should've done as a head disciple/to pay back his debt, thats about as deep as it was for him.
also never apologise for ranting, look at what i post and im sending you back! if anyone should apologise its me D:
#ask#if anyones annoyed by such long posts on their dashes btw just send an ask#and tell me to use the readmore function#so i can stop cloggin up ur dashes
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abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)
tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team
tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]
i may be projecting<3 its fine
to start:
im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.
getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):
there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it.
but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)
bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger.
obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.
starting to heal:
i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low.
working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.
hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.
in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car)
fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom
his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect
@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)
his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy.
their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)
i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control.
and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.
which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)
and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.
anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3
#EDIT: ok 2 rb if you want!!!#leone abbacchio#im not tagging it otherwise i just want this findable in my own tagging system LOL#all of this is from discord from dming adrian and simon so hi guys if youre reading the tags#i deal with a lot of the issues abbacchio does but i understand that that doesnt mean i didnt use language that might be incorrect#i understand and apologize !! feel free to send an ask but otherwise pls im not trying to start meta discourse over an anime character#i just wanted to get my thoughts out because im tired of seeing representations of him that i just. feel are SO so ugly#esp as someone whos struggled with the issues#caleb.txt#caleb meta hour
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I would have cut bella off too tbh, she did use Jacob as a way if getting over Edward for the time being and never did think about how Jacob felt about it-i mean she was heartbroken but still
(ok yall im about to rant about canon jacob/drag bella/drag eclipse/drag smeyer so KEEP mf scrolling)
i wouldnt have cut bella off for that exactly bc she WAS in a vulnerable place in new moon, but the moment she broke jacob’s heart in order to save the guy who broke HER heart??? issa wrap. jacob deeply needed to understand from that point on that bella was NAWT fuckin with him anymore!!! i get that he mistook her vulnerability for romance (and in the book they always held hands so there was the physical aspect) but i wish someone (probably billy) sat him down and said “....your lil crush is over. find yourself a bad bitch.” then again, smeyer’s dumb racist ass wrote jacob to literally flip flop personalities and become unnecessarily hardheaded in eclipse. he was probably trying to force himself to imprint on bella/already feeling the imprint from her egg that would become resume, but you know. i really dont fuck with the dumpster fire that’s eclipse, but i digress.
actually NO im not done with eclipse yet!!! im not ranting at YOU bc your ask is valid and i love ALL my anons sm <333 but now you got me thinkin! (i’ll spare yall and insert a “keep reading” tab tho)
everything surrounding eclipse w jacob and bella was SO unnecessarily painful. maybe it’s just the scorpio in me jumping out but EYE would’ve cut my losses! EYE wouldnt have waited until someone got half the bones in their body fucked up to finally say goodbye! like, eclipse was about goodbyes right??? bella and jacob should’ve said goodbye to each other much much MUCH sooner, before he went on his real clown boy shit. but smeyer needed enough ~drama~ to fill 600 pages.
i get that bella’s goodbye to jacob wouldnt have been the most concrete as long as the colonizing ass cullens were still living in the la push/forks area, since jacob HAD to stay and help protect his community so he couldnt even like run off anywhere for very long. but remaining friends w her didn’t help, and bella remaining friends w him sure as hell didn’t help either, esp when they both knew she used him as an emotional crutch back when she was super sad.
she felt bad, but the way i see it, she didnt need jacob around anymore once she got edward back and she didnt want to admit it bc of their history. it was also clear that edward wouldnt leave her again. i don’t think she shouldve felt bad for picking edward, but she shouldve felt bad for handling the jacob situation poorly. she shouldve stepped tf up and cut her losses way earlier bc he consistently failed to and THEN gaslit her the entire fucking time and for WHAT. in a perfect world, smeyer wouldnt have made him do a 180 and turned him into a total JACKASS to make edward look better. if i were smeyer i would have simply made edward a fleshed out character.
bella should’ve focused on her unhealthy attachment to edward over the course of eclipse. she shouldve focused on her friendship with alice and saying her goodbyes to her human life. AND even though she fucked over jacob, she shouldve been the woke ally this fandom paints her as and tried to convince the cullens to move away, employing loads of white guilt. it would have been a hell of a lot easier on jacob and the rest of the tribe if she did. the cullens should have used their endless wealth to move tf AWAY from the quileute land. they could’ve lived in literally any other town in the world that didnt get a lot of sunshine without making a bunch of local native teens start turning into werewolves. if bella was really bout it, she and the cullens wouldve paid their reparations and left. but what do i know, im just a wolf pack stan account
#jacob#bella#eclipse#i simply do not vibe with eclipse#anon#rip to anybody who read the whole thing thi
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Reasons why i hate mikaela hyakuya
@gurensangel @chaoticgaymess sorry i know you wanted me to repost your post but its easier just starting my own and making my own hashtag so incase anyone else asks me about this i can just look for the hashtag and send them this
Mikaela is honestly one of those characters i desperately and i mean desperatly tried to love i mean his kid self was so so easy to love and want to protect and hell i cried a shit ton for him and his past his problems everything but the reality is mikaela is a toxic person and here im going to be explaining everything as clearly as i can though im sure that everyone has heard most of these arguments i also have some most people wouldnt even consider
Why is mikaela toxic? Well simply said when you have one person and only one then its obviously going to be an underlying mental health issue now you could say other characters are similar to mikaela within that regard like every other vampire but heres the thing we dont get to see much of the other vampires so im more or less apathetic to those vampires and their actions however in accordance to mikaela we have watched his actions since day one and his chemistry with the rest of the cast of owari no seraph what grinds my gears isnt the fact that mikaela acts with violence and distrust towards everyone but the actions that the rest of the cast have taken towards mikaela and his inability to react differently towards those same exact characters aka shinoa squad
Shinoa squad has never once treated mikaela with prejiduce with agendas or anything of ill will since day one the fact that shinoa basically is the cause of death of many of her comrads during the nagoya arc where mikaela attacks the jida troop (and yes it is a troop considering that after reading pannel after pannel theres upwards to 20 soldiers who the majority of which are equiped with standard blades unlike the protagonists you know basically cannon fodder) but my problem is the fact that in that chapter shinoa instigated their betrayal to save mikaela from the rest of the troops shinoa's life was threatned straight after acknowledging that this could be the last she ever layed eyes on yuichiro by letting mikaela escape with him first threatened by a random soldier and then right after rika inoue and by her superior narumi makoto and shinoa the fucking chad she is just took all the punishment because she knows damn well that it is her fault her comrads died because of her distraction to allow mikaela to escape eating away the precious time guren baught his soldiers to run away and escape and how does mikaela respond? He tells yuu to abandon them it doesnt take a genius to say that betrayal especially to the hiragi family is met with death even if mikaela doesnt understand the rules and regulations of human law i doubt vampire law is much different meaning he knows damn well shinoa could lose her life for betraying the army for his sake and not just shinoa but her entire squad
I already know what youll say "but but mikas a vampire he has no emotions" bullshit absolute pure fucking bullshit of an argument considering the fact yoichis mention of the word family/freinds was cause for pause for mikaela and not just mikaela look at ferid look at crowley theyre all so vibrant and brimming with personality and emotion and i am damn well sure no one disagrees this could just be kagami's writing and forgetting about this plotpoint
The fact that despite this mikaela is a manipulative fucker we all know yuu is a dumbass no one can deny this the fact that mikaela is willing to point his sword towards yuichiro and threaten him his so called beloved speaks volumes about mikaelas ego his straight up ego thinking that he's the only one that could be right after all mikaelas the wisest of the bunch right i mean after all everyone of his other decisions was followed through with outstanding results anyone? Anyone? Thats right not once has the squad or especially yuichiro listend to mikaela and do to that fact everyone is alive and kicking examples? (This is also an example of manipulative mika) Mika: Yuu abandon shinoa because if she's as great as you say us sticking around will only cause her trouble you cannot tell me that isnt mikaela trying to twist yuu's feelings for his family to abandon them because had they listened to mikaela shinoa would have been impaled by the chains kureto produced to awaken the seraph of the end
And almost right after that same situation upon mahiru injuring yuu awakening abadon mikaela high tails and runs away carrying yuu and we actually see a pannel of shinoa squad scrambling for saftey straight up abandoning them again and going so far as to yell that he is yuu's only family despite all the other shit
Alright so lets play into the whole mika doesnt have feelings dont you think that having no feelings would make your sense of judgement all the better? And if so with all the evidence and actions of shinoa squad why in Gods blue earth would he basically act like an actual dick towards shinoa who saved his life risked her life for him as if shinoa is the sole reason yuu is in the prediciment of being possessed by yuu?? Isnt that the least bit infuriating??
On next of we shouldnt listen to mikaela in the same arc again mikaela suggests lets leave shinoa squad to face off against crowley AND FERID with this bullshit of "theyre after us theyll just ignore them" i mean are you kidding me? Ferid the man youve been with for 5 years is going to not have the time of his life killing a bunch of teenagers for the simple fact that if yuu is running away and leaving them.they must not be important to him therefore easy pickings for him
Lets not trust guren after all he's just using you he doesnt care the man loves that boy like as if he was his son and you can argue against me with this some time later but alright lets give mika the benifit of the doubt so obviously in mikas infinit wisdom his set course of action is killing him infront of yuichiro??? Really??? In front of him?? Killing his father infront of yuu man that just speaks volumes about how mikaeala only cares about the feeling he gets with yuu rather than carring about yuu as a person
Imo mika cares about how yuu makes him feel rather than who yuichiro is what do i mean by this? Its simple mika doesnt give a damn what makes yuu happy hell mika would cage yuu up if it ment keeping him safe and alive but is that really living? Its cruelty if i adopt a dog feed it and give it water but never play with it and isolate it thats basically animal cruelty
Anyway back to mika trying to kill guren just right there yuu begs mika to stop and grabs his arm pulling him back and what does mika do? What does he do? He lops off yuu's arm the one that was holding mikaela back from attacking what makes this scene even worse is i had so much hope for mikaeala because the last battle they won mikaela said the thoight of losing his.comrads made him dizzy what happened to him not having feelings? I lived loved loved that statement i imagined uncle mika to yuus kids being the best man to yuus wedding begging to be the one to make the wedding cake so so so so so many au's based off those little words and right after removing yuu's limb from him kimizuki and yoichi step up for guren weapons drawn and mikaela threatens them?!?!?! I mean honestly how fucking hypocritical can you be how big is his fucking ego???
Ill end it with this point because i have work in the morning i Still have another 20 bullet points i want to add but im starting to think i have artheritistis in my hand because my fingers hurt so much but anyway my point being mikaelas character contradicts yui's in an unhealthy way while yuu's character trait is to run towards danger to be a hero mikas is to run from danger its basically a tug of war and the thing is the story so far has actually turned out well for the cast running into danger for yuu made the 6th angels trumpet to grow silent destroying all of the four horsemen monsters and letting humanity take a huge step towards rebuilding but had it been mika's way theyd have run right out of that building never to see it again my point is if someone pulls and runs towards something and another character ties a rope to them and runs the other direction that tension will cause nothing but problems instead of running forward with the protagonist in order to keep them safe and actually contribute into the success of the mission
Also like the hashtags say this is only part 1 because as i said i have to sleep and my hand is killing me i should have done this earlier when i had more energy in order to bring along all the sources like the chapter and page where you can find these exact moments along with photos of said arguments/bullet points
#owari no seraph#seraph of the end#yuichiro hyakuya#shinoa hiiragi#mikaela shindo#mikaela hyakuya#reasons i hate mikaeal hyakuya part 1
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folklore.
taylor swift songs that very specifically catch certain times in this rp. it’s not like “oh some of the lyrics relate”. it’s how i genuinely saw the whole situation unfold/the most accurate comparisons. if your chara isn’t active and/or you dont rly share much with me, obviously they won’t be there as much. i’m not gonna apologise for that :’)
the 1 - very specifically riley and wes in their current era from riley’s pov. i feel like it makes sense bc the song isn’t bitter and there’s clearly still some sort of sentiment there but at the same time, it’s not unhealthy or moping?
cardigan - almost as if we’ve done a 180 and spun to the other side of wes’s life, janey and wes from janey’s pov. i feel like the references to being young and making mistakes are super janey and also all the mentions of familiarity.
the last great american dynasty - from the pov of the insider or any ‘rich girl’ looking into margo’s life. i feel like she’s definitely the most questionable of the girls from that circle and the whole song has a gossipy undertone to it. it’s just very margo and her return to the springs gave me this vibe completely.
exile - the mess surrounding soraya, owen, dallas and gisele, but VERY SPECIFICALLY dallas and gisele and soraya and owen. i feel like verse 1 & chorus is owen to soraya, verse 2 & chorus is gisele to dallas, the bridge sounds very, very, very owen and soraya. ESPECIALLY when it’s like:
“you never gave a warning sign”
“i gave so many signs”
“never learned to read your mind”
etc. etc. etc. bc i dont know, i remember it becoming VERY clear that she was set on dallas. the last part of the song is from all of their povs
my tears ricochet - mabel and brody, mabel and brody, mabel and brody. i feel like she really, really liked him and he’d paint out that he was totally loyal to disney but definitely led her on but wasn’t as outright about his feelings as she was and it eventually (along with a lot of other things) led her completely out of town. i just completely see it for this one.
mirrorball - clyde and poppy BUT from clyde’s pov, not poppy’s. the metaphor of clyde being the mirror ball and poppy being the light is so accurate for their whole arc through the rp in my opinion. it’s so safe and comforting but it doesn’t sweep over any ugly parts either. the bridge is very clyde and kind of how he was treated by everybody else.
seven - i always say this but the progression of dallas and soraya’s relationship before it got dark; it’s very summery, romantic and has the references of escaping problematic families/people through almost child-like comforts. this would obviously be from soraya’s pov. i also feel like it’s them now, but it’s a memory more so than a direct song.
august - roxy’s pov about mason. they had a very short-lived, cute connection but it was obvious she wasn’t really his girlfriend/they never made it to the next level. i will ALWAYS hate mason for roxy - that’s the only ex i feel like he’s actually done dirty, and i feel like there was definitely a point where she believed in it and then a very obvious point when she realised he’s not as angelic/nice as he initially seems and the bridge captures that so well. i’m rly not meaning for all of these to be about my characters.
this is me trying - JIWON ON HER OWN WITH HER HOTEL BUSINESS AND EXPECTATIONS. like, she’s so perfect and great on the outside and this big popstar but she has so many people doubting her. i feel like “ahead of the curve/the curve became a sphere” is so. on. point. she gets rly ahead in her st judes career but then ends back up at point 1 when she’s trying to prove herself with the hotel.
illicit affairs - danny and zara. in literally every verse we’ve had (?) the little shits...and zara’s pov for sure. i feel like it’s (obviously) really easy to hate like “the other woman”, but i feel like this song rly highlights that it can still genuinely be love but just unfortunately not under the right circumstances idk. it just makes so much sense to me. the bridge ESPECIALLY. i feel like i’ve heard zara almost say those exact words.
invisible string - matt and oliver concerning matt’s return. i know they’re not together (i wish they would) but i feel like everything happened so naturally, like matt ended things with maelyn and oliver arrived shortly after...it fits with the whole being tied together with string/remembering little details about each other/fate kind of guiding them together (if you think i’m implying they should date, u are right)
mad woman - to ME this is very soraya and gigi again, looking into the others relationship. so soraya @ owen observing him and gigi. gigi @ dallas observing him and soraya. idk, i know i keep talking about it but i feel like there were so many raw feelings in that plot and i genuinely saw it from every point of view. the “it’s obvious that wanting me dead really brought you two together” is so soraya @ owen and dallas and the crazy/angry line is definitely gisele @ dallas, bc that was A LOT of their relationship
epiphany - i feel like i ALWAYS misinterpret this song LMAO i’m sorry, but it really reminds me of matt’s mental health struggles. i feel like it’s almost like an internal monologue type song and i rly like the song when it’s in that context. i hate it as like, a love song. it’s so shit/lazy in that context LOL.
betty - JACK AND BRIELLE. i know a lot of people don’t know about their connection but it’s so high school boy messes up with high school girl LOL. if i had to put it in a more known context, then definitely wes x roxy x riley...roxy being betty and wes being james. arabella totally would’ve been inez LOL
peace and hoax - (skip, they bore me to fucking tears. sorry swifites)
the lakes - it’s all about escaping and being in love and these are the specific couples/friendships it super reminds me of.
kendall and mason
zara and danny
christelle and blake
pHoenix and GABE (they own this song in my mind)
madison and bash
soraya and dallas - i’m not sorry
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DM vs. KARMIC=WAR! (twin flame reading) 😳💥💣
*DISCLAIMER🚨: this is a general collective on twin flames. it will not fit everyones story. only take what applies. we have free will and time is fluid. so this can happen at any given time or may not at all. always remember to follow your heart above all else. thanks, erin. 💙
First off, as I am calling out for the energy of the DM and karmic. the cards are taking forever to come out. the karmic is definitely keeping hin quiet and not wanting him to talk at all. I'm feeling an energy of her watching him or lingering around to see what he's doing. im seeing the karmic is draining the DM for money. and also something involving the court system linked with money. the divine masucline is under a lot of pressure trying to get money from anywhere he can. For some they have lost their jobs due to C19 and cannot find another one. I'm seeing the karmic taking him to court for assests or child support. she is really trying to end him at all cost. im also feeling the karmic talking badly about the DM to the courts. her words are very powerful and come out very smoothly, she is exposing all the wrong doings of the masucline to make her look better. she is at a hard battle with him and is desperately trying to get her way. masucline is feeling at the a lost without his DF. I see some of them drinking to drown their sorrows out. Even if you have reached out to them, I see them not even caring because they are in victim mode. they feel like you have left them and you are finding your own way without them and ready to venture to something new. I'm seeing the masucline getting hit left and right with bills, debt collections, and court orders. he feels trapped by this, and hes barely hanging on. everything he wants is right in front of him but he just cannot get out of this cage he's in. but im hearing that this was his karma for his greedy ways towards fem and those around him. he took from people, and now it's being done to him. he's so ashamed of himself with his lack of stability because it was all he had. he put so many 3d things in front of this connection. his dreams and wishes were put into money. I see the masucline having jewelry. watches, chains, a ring. making himself to be more than he really is. if you have been sending love and good energy to your DM, his karmic is sucking it right from him. She is really out for blood and like I said before, wanting to keep him by himself. she tricking him into thinking nobody wants him. he doesn't know who he really is anymore. for a group of yall, your DM was actually beginning to do the work but then relapsed. 😞 Yup, he was leaving her yall. On his way back to fem, and she wasn't having it and pulled him right back in. She's speaking hateful words upon him and breaking his character down. I'm also see pregnancy here to keep him in an unhealthy situation. she's like "I love you, you cant leave me. you said you loved me too. we have been through so much together and we have this child, please dont go". and then she goes into a different room alone like "yeah, I got him. he's not going anywhere." all lies. all tricks. So....what's next with karmic and masucline? well, he's going to pull away from her that's for sure. but when he does. (no joke this is another deck yall). shes going to try and get him to go out for a night and get her pregnant!! for him to spend his coins on her and the night life. I'm also getting whatever they used to do together, she will want to do it again. but surprise, he's defending her off big time. hes not giving in. he's bitter towards her because he knows that she pretended that she was the empress, but it was all a trick. so hes sour towards what they have. masucline is breaking free yall, he's trying with all his might....come on DM you can do it! I have chills right now, its like he's crawling out of this hell hole trying to get his fem, I almost want to cry for him! for whoever fits this story, he is coming back. he still has some work but my goodness he loves his DF. and he doesn't want this to end, he's been crying out for you. I just heard "can you
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🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋
okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!
5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.
cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.
meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today.
relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND.
ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward!
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I have my finale exam tomorrow and I'm 99,9% sure that I'll fail. I feel like such a failure right now. I could retake the school year but why I understand the school work then, if I don't understand it now. I'll probably stay unemployed forever, because I'm so anxious at job interviews and I literally don't know how to talk to people. Maybe it'd be the best if I didn't exist because nothing would change if wasn't here anyway. I wouldn't be missed and I know I will never be happy anyway.
hey dude, listen. it sounds a bit like you’re spiraling right now and i really think it’d do you some good to just take a step back and breathe. i hope the test went okay, and by okay i hope i mean you got through it, because that’s literally all you can ask of yourself. it’s natural to be nervous about such things and if you’re also struggling with mental illness on top of that, it’s easy to get lost in the heaviness of that anxiety. making big unfounded assumptions about your future, feeling a sense of doom, thinking in black and whites instead of recognizing the nuance and middle ground - all of those are red flags, not reliable thought processes that you need to build your life around. it’s okay to process negative emotions, to be upset and to feel overwhelmed and to want to give up at at times. we all need to break down a little when we’re overwhelmed so we can let some of that pent up tension out. but that should look like allowing yourself to cry, reaching out to those around you, getting some rest, and removing yourself from situations that exacerbate the pain when possible. not harming yourself in hopes of dulling those emotions, because that’s how you get stuck in a cycle of self destruction that is more suffocating than just confronting the pain and trying to let it go. look, you’re young and life is generally a lot longer than it seems when you’re in school, in the sense that we learn how resilient we are over and over again. we’re supposed to ‘mess up.’ things go ‘wrong ’and then we carve our paths out of that, and we adapt. whether we realize it or not. you’ve done it before, and you can do it again. if it turns out you have to retake the school year, then with the extra time and maybe additional support from your teachers, the school work may become a little clearer if you give it the chance and try out new learning techniques to find what works for you. that doesn’t make you a failure at all. you clearly care a lot about your future, and you’ve already made so much more progress than you realize. i know it doesn’t seem like it in this moment. but seriously, whatever happens, after the initial disappointment and frustration, you WILL be able to return to a sense of normality. the extent of how much it hurts right now is not permanent. there’s truly no set time schedule for education, no matter how much they want to convince us otherwise. you just have to do what you can with what you’ve been given. that’s more than good enough. you’re more than good enough. and about job interviews - try to slow down. there’s absolutely no evidence that you will be unemployed forever, in fact it’s very unlikely, and your worth/future happiness doesn’t rely on that factor anyway. honestly, i’ve been to a few job interviews by now and i’ve always thought the same thing about myself. especially when i was in school, i thought i knew, that there was no way i could handle it, no way anyone would take me on. and they are uncomfortable and nerve wracking, sure. but they’re also not the beginning and end of the world. nobody is expecting you to be the worlds best talker especially when you’re new to the whole thing. it’s about showing your enthusiasm and your skillset, and if you dont believe you have one, you do. you just cant see it because you dont like yourself right now. i’ve been rejected from jobs too, and yeah it’s a dig at the self esteem, but it’s not a personal failure. it’s just the nature of applying for a position that loads of other people are also applying for. you learn to accept it. but you don’t even have to carry that weight yet, love. so try to recognize what your brain is doing by bombarding you with worries that are entirely out of your control, and that there is no actual proof of. more than anything, it’s important to remember that school nor your career defines everything that you are. we’re taught from a young age that we only deserve to be here if we’re ‘useful’ by capitalist standards, if we can justify the space we take up. but it’s a fucking lieeeeee. raising us like that is the only way to get us to work work work without questioning it too much. it’s got nothing to do with you and everything to do with the world being a soul sucking machine. so, relax. you deserve to be here and you deserve to be gentle with yourself, nothing changes that. not tests or the future or your self hatred. i know it’s hard to believe that such concepts apply to you, but they do. nothing and nobody would be better off without you, i promise. when you’re in a dark place it’s only normal to believe that you’ll never be happy, but it’s really not the case in reality. happiness is an emotion that comes and goes like all else, and it is entirely possible for it to become a consistent theme in your life. that is, if you’re able to make it through this part. if you’re able to try to engage in healthier coping mechanisms so that you see your situation from multiple perspectives, rather than just from a one dimensional ‘things will never get better’ stand point. even if you just have to survive hour by hour, until you get there.
i’d really recommend considering talking to someone about what’s happening in your head right now, man. i know that’s not what you want to hear and part of you will want to immediately write it off, but try to pause and keep it in the back of your mind. whether it’s a teacher, a parent/family member, a school counselor, a mental health hotline, a friend, your doctor - there are so many people out there who have the tools to help you learn to manage. and it doesn’t matter if the process is slow or non linear, or if you have to force the words out. all that matters is that you try. whatever that means to you, even if some days it’s just staying in your room and breathing through it. you can recognize that not wanting to be here any more is an unhealthy thought, indicating that there is a lot more going on beneath the surface, yeah? it’s alright to talk about that and to let others in. our mental health is often just as fragile as our physical health and sometimes it needs medical intervention in order to be adequately supported, and that’s totally fine. yeah, opening up is embarrassing and yeah it’s not something anyone ‘wants’ to do, but it’s often very necessary, because it’ll allows people to be able to relate with and guide you. please consider your own needs and know that there is no shame in speaking up. even if you have to take some time to find the courage. honestly, you don’t even need to go into great detail. a simple ‘i need help and i’m not sure what to do’ is a great place to start with someone you trust, or someone who is in a position to help you. anyway, i’m sorry this got super long. navigating school is fuckin difficult at the best of times, and i’m infinitely proud of you for making it to this point and for being able to articulate your feelings like this to me. i have no doubt that you will be able to get through this if you give yourself the time and the tools do so. and i dont say that lightly at all. try to ground yourself for now, and start again tomorrow. if you want to talk about this properly or if you ever need a friend, my dms/inbox will be open. take care. focus on one day at a time.
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Bro I’m not trying to go on a whole ass rant on twitter main so i guess on tumblr it goes :| I really did give lexy the benefit of the doubt until it started personally affecting me. To the point where I literally couldn’t date my girlfriend because it felt like I was married to 2 people. I just don’t see the justification she made most of this, especially whatever she downplayed as some humorous quirk or misunderstanding. Like it’s fucked but I thought she would grow up soon enough and give a real apology for it and act more like an adult towards damien. But no damiens still this problem causing druggy over reliant evil twin. And the amazing part is, I don’t think damien would have said stuff if I hadnt pressured her to. I left it alone for so long and finally had to start pressuring her because every time damien had a little crisis, or tried to grow as a person, or our relationship hit a bump, she somehow would wheedle her way in. I don’t even think she sees most of it as wrong, or that big of a deal, because she’s grown so accustom to being that inconsiderate. And it’s obvious because no one else treats my girlfriend that way. No one else would do these things to her, especially not a best friend like that’s fucked? Like I don’t even know what to do with that. I have put every effort into being patient and helpful while damien tried to grow up, get off drugs, forget about her rapist, and develop new interests, and lexy was there like every step of the way undermining that progress. Yet she STILL had panic attacks over bringin any of this up because she thought people would see her as a literal demon for being upset at shitty things her best friend did and downplayed the real effect of. It’s frustrating because they could have both grown out of it and became accountable people, but lexy seems to even romanticize just a couple years ago, when everyone was partying and having fun, and my girlfriend was an unhinged, suicidal alcoholic. Also it’s very weird that she’s been so hell bent on fucking someone since getting into a relationship. Let alone fucking me. I don’t know how that even became a desire that she or anyone spun as normal or healthy. It’s amazing how many things turned out looking so much more bizarre after I talked it out with my girlfriend and solved the real issue. But mutual cheating is just another weird solution she‘s a fan of in line with all the rest that clearly show she either needs to grow up, or adamantly wants my girlfriend to be unhealthy. But I honestly let it slide just like damiens done for years now. Right up until she told my girlfriend she can’t be sober. Like that was it right there. Perfect clarity. Your best friend is addicted and traumatized for the entire time you’ve known her and she says she brought it down to one hard seltzer a week and you DONT just let her have this???? After you’ve SEEN her suffer for years longer than any of us have? All you have to say is that’s not sobriety and then get shitty with her for being a little bitchy about your smoking problem that you won’t let anyone not hear about?? And then to take a completely unrelated tumblr post I made and spin it so you can convince damien to break up with me??? Oh let me cross check that with every other friend who advised her to bring up issues before breaking up with me. Miraculously that advice worked great. She’s obsessed with my girlfriend and only interacting with her in an infantillized, caricaturized way, and you can tell by the way she talks about her when she’s not around. That’s like, reason enough to not be her friend. Anxiety be damned. I have anxiety, we all have anxiety. No one acts like this out of fear or need for validation. And I just don’t think it’s any coincidence that damien started hanging out with new people and drastically improved as a person. I’m putting this all on here so I never have to think or type it again. After I send this post it’s back to Head Empty. I will gladly be the bad evil guy in this situation just leave my girlfriend alone !
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