#i Just needed to vent my hopes and fears to the ether i guess | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

chibi-mushroom · 3 years

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Hey everyone! Finally get to post my piece for the memory of promises zine! check out the link here if you want to grab one of your own copies in the leftover sale! I was so happy to be able to join in on this zine, and I hope you guys enjoy all the work that went into it! (Also keep in mind this was written before MoM.)

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Namine rubbed her temples and looked at the clock. Midnight already. DiZ was not going to like this. The next time he came into the white room would bring on some lecture or punishment of some kind. She had been working furiously all afternoon trying to get past this one section of memory, but there was something that was keeping her back. Her pulse began to race. She was feeling sick. The door to the white room opened and with a squeak, Namine ducked under the table, fearing the familiar stride of the man in red.

"It's okay, it's just me. You can come out now." A soft voice sounded in her ears. "You're safe. DiZ said he needed to run an errand and wouldn't be back for a couple of days."

Slowly looking up, Namine could see the outstretched hand of the only comfort she had in this lonely place. "Riku. You're back."

She took his offering and stood up. He hadn't let go of her hand just yet, blindfold still covering those beautiful blue green eyes he had. She was glad it stopped him from seeing things like her girlish blush. He was only offering his hand as a friend. Besides, it was wrong for her to want to be with him- nobodies weren't supposed to feel anything. So why did she?

"You're shaking." Riku stated simply. "Have you eaten anything today?"

So he could even feel the slight tremor in her hands. "No, not exactly."

"Do you want me to get something for you? I think there are some leftovers in the fridge."

"No, I'm alright. I have to get back to work." Namine tried to take her hand from his, but he held onto it all the tighter, leaning down a little to be at eye level with her.

"You were working when I left, and I can tell you haven't gotten any sleep. How are you expecting to take care of Sora when you can't take care of yourself?"

Right. Namine thought. He's just like DiZ. All he cares about is getting Sora restored. You're just a tool.

Still, she couldn't help but notice the way her breath caught in her throat as his blinded eyes sunk to meet her tired ones. Maybe she should take a small break. All of this stress was making her read too much into small gestures.

Namine simply nodded, and Riku left to warm her up some food. Sensing that going back to Sora's memories would be futile, she grabbed her sketch pad and turned it to the very last page. This was her secret page, covered in things she thought about. Mindless doodles she drew when she was waiting for the computer to check on Sora’s physical well-being.

The sketch pad was not necessary for her magic to work. She could rearrange memories- crush the hearts of her poor unsuspecting victims- without it. She used it though to help her concentrate. By visualizing the memories, she was able to make a more convincing edit or capture the feelings that were hiding beneath the surface. So many times she had drawn Sora, Riku and Kairi together. And sure there were strong feelings of both love and jealousy, but had she not had her sketch pad, she might have missed Sora's emotions of gratitude for two stalwart best friends, confusion about school topics they had recently studied, and hope that Kairi would want to go with him to the first school dance, even though he knew they would just go together and bail early to hang out on the play island like they always did whenever the school had some social.

"Here you go. It's nothing special, but it's better than nothing." Riku interrupted her thoughts with a plate of food.

With a gasp, Namine hurried to cover her sketch pad. Even though she knew he couldn't see it, he moved so gracefully that she sometimes wondered if he really was blind. Although those first couple of days made the mansion quite a bit louder with his cries of annoyance as he bumped into furniture. He even fell into the secret compartment that hid the computer lab, but luckily managed to land safely.

"Drawing something you don't want anyone to see?" Riku smirked.

"No!" Namine replied a bit sharper than she thought. "Maybe."

Riku laughed as he set their plates down and pulled a chair over. "I'm only kidding. You don't have to be working on Sora nonstop. If you want to take a moment for yourself, then do it."

"No, I need to be working on Sora. It was my fault he's like this in the first place. I want to keep my promise." Namine picked up the white plastic fork. For once would it hurt to have some color around here?

With a sigh, Riku held his hand out for her to hold. "We've been over this, Nam. What happened wasn't your fault. You were being used." Softly Riku muttered "you still are."

Namine looked at him for a moment and then looked down at her food. She picked at it for a few moments before softly sliding her hand in his and taking a couple of bites. She ate in a comfortable silence, simply feeling the pressure that came from the gentle touch. This sort of thing wasn't unusual for them. They could usually be found in silence with their hands connected. But the mountain of pressure from the recent block in memories and lack of self care was threatening to squish Namine with its enormous weight.

"How's the restoration going?" Riku asked.

Namine's stomach began to twist around itself. "I'm….not sure."

Riku squeezed her hand, urging her to explain. Namine sighed, unsure of how to continue. Would he get mad if she told the truth? He had slowly been becoming more like DiZ, after all. He used to be there with her when she was getting told off. These days, Riku was never usually in the white room for more than five minutes unless it was late at night.

"You remember what Sora's mom used to tell him all the time, right?" Riku recalled.

"Never talk to strangers on the play island?"

Riku chuckled, remembering a secret promise. "A problem shared is a problem halved. If you tell me, it might relieve some of the pressure on you."

There was no avoiding it, not as long as he held her hand.

"It's just that, well-" Namine fumbled for the words. "There's been a bit of a roadblock. I've been doing my best to sort it out, tracing the connections, but it's like the memories slip away as soon as I think I have a grasp on them. I may have gone through half a notebook trying to find a solid piece."

There was a pause, as if Riku were considering what to say.

"I'll go get you a new notebook tomorrow, then. As for the memories, we'll get it figured out. You need to take a break, anyway."

"No!" Namine swallowed back further emotion. Maybe she really did need some sleep. She was being more irrational than she expected. "No, it's fine. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong."

"Don't say stuff like that. If there's anyone who can make this situation right, it's you. Please, just take a few hours to rest tomorrow, okay?" Riku squeezed her hand again.

"I don't really have a choice here, do I?" Namine sighed.

"You always have a choice. I'm just asking you as someone who cares a lot about you."

Someone who cares? Namine thought. She slowly nodded in reply. Maybe a break was exactly what she needed.

"Thank you, Riku."

One Year Later

Again Riku tried to beat Marluxia, and again he was defeated. He only had this last battle to finish, having started against the organization members he recognized or had personally fought against. Which, admittedly wasn't many, but after several attempts, he was down to the last. It frustrated him that he still wasn't quite used to the keyboard controls, and Sora's moves were much less based in strength and relied much more on magic. Riku had never been very good with magic, focusing on perfecting his cure and dark firaga spells instead of learning the large array of magic that his friends had mastered.

Some keyblade master I turned out to be. Riku thought, sitting back in his seat and folding his arms. I can't even stop my two best friends from leaving me again. This is just like back then…

His mind began to drift away with thoughts of Castle Oblivion and Twilight Town. He heard the door open and gentle footsteps move toward him.

"Hey Aerith. We can work on that scarf in a minute. I have to get some more ethers for data Sora first."

"I take it the fight didn't go well then?" A soft voice walked closer.

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Not Aerith.

"Hey Namine. How could you tell?"

Namine placed a hand on his shoulder and gave a gentle squeeze. "You're really tense. Besides, I could feel your frustration from a block away."

What anger and annoyance had once plagued Riku's mind had since washed away. All he could register was how reassuring Namine's hand on his shoulder felt. She smelled nice, too. A faint blush warmed his cheeks. Ever since Kairi had insisted on going to sleep and Terra had left for the dark realm with Aqua and Ven, Namine was the only person Riku shared everything with. She had heard him vent several times, and she had been helping Aerith teach him how to knit. It was her delicate fingers that had lead him through the steps of a cable.

"I guess I need a little bit of a break." Riku said with a sigh. "Wanna go get some ice cream or something?"

"Sure." Namine smiled, stepping back so he could get up and stretch. They began to talk as they walked to their usual ice cream shop.

Since Scrooge, Huey and Dewey had returned home, the ice cream shop had been manned by one of the local citizens. He usually gave Riku a discount, so Riku usually put some munny in the tip jar. It had become routine over the past year to go whenever Namine came to visit from Twilight Town.

"How is everything going with Roxas and Xion?" Riku asked, sitting down and unwrapping his fruit bar.

"Slow." Namine replied, taking a small lick from her chocolate cherry ice cream cone. She wanted to try all of the flavors, and this was the last one. "Not too bad, but I think I preferred the strawberry cheesecake the best."

"That was a flavor Kairi always liked." Riku smiled softly.

When he saw the way Namine looked for just the hair of a second, he realized that was probably the wrong thing to say. He inwardly cursed himself and his inability to be the suave guy all the girls had thought he was growing up. Kairi and Namine didn't get much of a chance to talk after she got her replica body, as Kairi had almost immediately asked to be put under. Riku wondered what it was like living inside a heart of pure light. Just like Castle Oblivion, she didn't talk about it much.

"We should get some for her when she wakes up." Namine continued to eat her cone. There was an uncomfortable silence for just a moment before Namine spoke up again. "Who were you fighting when I came in?"

"Marluxia. He was the head of the castle, right?"

Namine nodded.

"I never really got to meet him as I was down in the basement back then. I'm sorry you had to deal with a guy like him."

"It's alright. I...had some support. There was Sora and Donald and Goofy. And despite everything I did to him, there was your replica, too." Namine spoke slowly, choosing her words with care. "But don't feel bad. He made his decisions, like everyone else."

This time, it was Riku's turn to nod in agreement, taking a bite from his treat.

"After the data battles are all said and done, what happens next?" Namine asked softly.

"I...don't know. All I know is that I've been having these weird dreams lately."

"I wondered. You look tired." Namine grabbed on to Riku's hand, intertwining their fingers.

Maybe it was a reflex, maybe it was a force of habit, like how they used to sit back in the old mansion. Either way, the touch on its own was enough to pull Riku away from the dark thoughts that usually sat at the horizon of his mind. He squeezed her hand in response.

"Don't hesitate to call me if you ever need someone to talk to. I miss our little midnight chats." Namine admitted.

"I do too." Riku smiled softly. "They really helped clear my mind back then."

"A problem shared is a problem halved, remember?" Namine was glad she could actually see his eyes as she recalled back to his words that helped her through her time at the old mansion. "Care to share anything?"

Riku paused. He sighed before starting to speak. After he told her of the recurring dream he'd been having with the buildings and the feeling of being watched, he also admitted to the weight that had been pinned on his shoulders.

"I know it might sound silly, but I can't help but wonder if these dreams are connected to Sora somehow. I just wish I could understand it more." Riku finished his bar and set the popsicle stick on the bench beside him.

Namine had just finished her ice cream as well, wiping her face with the napkin. "Maybe it's time you take another journey."

"With the data battle still to fight and Kairi still asleep? I can't leave now."

"Maybe not now, but after the last battle is won." Namine gently pulled his hand close to her and began massaging it. "But that means I can't follow you. Will you be alright on your own? Maybe you can check Kairi's dreams."

"I...don't know. I haven't used my dream eater powers in a long time and the process is still kind of fuzzy for me." He could feel his muscles relax as she worked at his weary hand.

Doubt was rising in his chest. Maybe she was right. Who was he kidding? He wasn't ready for this kind of thing. He wasn't like Sora or Kairi who could follow their hearts at a moment's notice. He couldn't always feel the way it was trying to lead him.

But as he saw Namine patiently working on his hands, the stiff muscles being brought to relax against her fingers, a light shone through the storm of his doubt. How he hadn't realized it before was a mystery. Ever since they had met, she had been the light in the dark, just as he had provided shade for her in the brightest situations. As she finished the massage, she tenderly squeezed his hands, reassuring him that she was there and willing to help. Surely that was love.

He felt love for her, no question. But with Sora and Kairi gone and asleep, there never seemed to be a good moment to tell her what his heart really wanted to say.

"We...we should be getting back." Namine sighed. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"No, but then, I'm not really all that sure of anything anymore."

"If there's anything I know, it's that things will get better. We'll find Sora. I don't know how or when, but we will." Namine took his hand again, standing before him.

Namine took a quick breath and then leaned over, placing a quick kiss atop his head. Ordinarily, she wouldn't be able to reach, but since he was sitting down, she could offer a small token of her affection and confidence in his abilities.

She and Riku's faces filled with blush, although a smile tugged at her lips. Namine didn't have enough courage to kiss him on the lips like she had wanted to for so long, but this was safe. He couldn't spurn her for a harmless kiss to the head. After all, what was some reassurance between friends?

"Thank you, Namine." Riku had a hard time looking at this angel of a woman without his heartbeat increasing.

To think she was willing to be by his side after all this. He decided there and then that he would listen to his heart and tell her of his feelings...after they set everything right. Once Sora and Kairi were home and together, then they could sort out their own relationship. It would give him yet another reason to bring his best friend home.

He could still feel the kiss on his forehead, and it brought a genuine smile to his face. He stood up and began walking away from Merlin's house.

"Don't feel like you have to stop working on the data battles on my account. I just wanted to make sure you were doing alright." Namine stopped for a second.

"We can get back to those soon enough. I need a little longer before I get back into it." He took his trash and threw it into a nearby can. "There are some fountains that are really pretty this time of day nearby if you want to check them out with me."

A smile formed on Namine's lips. "I'd love to, Riku."

#RikuNami #namiku #mopzine #kh fanfiction #riku #namine #post Re:Mind #Pre MoM

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hybridfanfiction · 5 years

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Yours To Keep

Slightly inspired by Pinnochio

Pairing: Hermit Crab Namjoon x Taehyung

Word Count: 3,303

As far as life as a captive pet went, little Namjoon the hermit crab had it pretty good. He often missed the coastal home he was taken from, as well as his brothers and sisters that were now undoubtedly scattered all over the country - if any of them were even still alive. He’d learned the hard way during his time in the pet shop that many hermit crabs didn’t live very long, as most humans didn’t feel the need or desire to do all the work to give the crabs a proper home.

This is why he was eternally grateful that he was picked by the best human out there. He could still remember the day that Kim Taehyung came to the little pet shop and peered thoughtfully into his cramped plastic tank a whole ten years ago. The baby crab did his utmost to impress the boy, though he was surrounded by others, and showed off his shell that admittedly wasn’t the best, but it was the best he had. He made sure the boy saw that he was a beautiful purple color in a sea of brown. When the boy looked around and then reached inside to touch the little hermit crab, he’d allowed it and was very proud that he didn’t pinch the boy even once.

Taehyung had taken him home that very day and named him Namjoon. The hermit crab now lived as close to a life of luxury as one of his kind could get. Taehyung spent so much time and money perfecting Namjoon’s habitat. He now had a huge ninety-gallon tank all to himself that had the perfect humidity and substrate as well as plenty of fun things to hide in or climb. Taehyung had researched for days to find Namjoon the most beautiful shells of all shapes and sizes, so he never had to work too hard to find a good one as he grew. He even had a separate tank that was used just for playtime since Taehyung loved to do tricks with him. Normally those of his kind had to be kept in groups, but Namjoon had always been a little different than his siblings, preferring solitude most of the time. Besides, this way he had his Taehyung all to himself.

Namjoon was especially blessed because as a creature that was normally more active at night, he had an owner that was much the same. Taehyung was usually busy during the day as well, but that never seemed to stop him from staying up until it was nearly dawn some days playing video games or watching television. He often took the time to talk to Namjoon, not knowing that the little crab actually could understand what he was saying. He would always angle the television so that Namjoon could watch too, attempting to talk to the crab like he would anyone else as he made comments about the movie or anime. Namjoon didn’t know much about the human world to have much of an opinion, but he did enjoy listening to his Taehyung speak, so he was happy enough.

The only time Namjoon wasn’t the happiest was when Taehyung had one of his many friends over. Taehyung didn’t talk much to him then and often his friends would try to poke at the little crab and pick him up roughly. Thankfully Taehyung would scold his friends for messing with Namjoon and they all eventually learned that he wasn’t to be handled by anyone except Taehyung.

Eventually, Taehyung got older. Once he started high school, he began to leave the house more and more. He still took the time to make sure that Namjoon was fed well and his tank was still perfectly maintained, but he didn’t talk to Namjoon as much as he used to. Every now and then he would vent to the little crab as he cleaned up his tank, but no longer did he act like he was his best friend. He had a new best friend now - a human with plump lips and smiling eyes that sometimes brought Namjoon fresh mangos since the human didn’t like them but the little hermit crab loved them.

Namjoon was often a little sad with this new change, but he knew there wasn’t much he could do. Taehyung was a human with the world at his feet. He didn’t know that to little Namjoon, Taehyung was his entire world.

The next four years flew by much like this, with Namjoon relishing every moment spent with his human as Taehyung grew taller and his voice deepened. Namjoon loved the way Taehyung’s voice sounded now - so deep and calming that as soon as he heard his human come home he’d scuttle towards the front of the tank to hear more. He’d also heard many of Taehyung’s friends call him handsome, and although he had no real concept of human beauty, he’d always found his boy nice to look at. He always smiled brightly at the crab and his eyes would shine with happiness and that was enough for Namjoon.

One day, Taehyung came home and Namjoon could hear excited yelling coming from the living room. His parents soon joined in and Namjoon grew curious enough to come out from the little spot he’d been burrowing in and rush towards the front of his tank. He observed his human as he breezed through his bedroom door and dropped his backpack off near his desk. In his other hand was a large envelope.

“Hey, Namjoon! You’re up early, huh? Guess what? I got into the college I wanted!” Taehyung grinned and peered at the little crab.

Namjoon clicked his claws curiously. He knew a little bit about college, thanks to the movies and shows that Taehyung’s showed him through the years. It was somewhere humans went to get smarter. But his boy was already smart, so why did he need that?

“Yup, everything’s all set. In a few months, I’ll be rooming with Chim and studying photography. It’s going to be great...” Taehyung’s smile fell as he stared at the little hermit crab.

“Oh no! What am I going to do about you? Mom and Dad already told me they didn’t have time to take care of you for me. Am I going to have to sell you? I don’t want to do that. I wish there was some way I could take you with me, Joon,” Taehyung’s eyes went glassy as they began to fill with tears.

Namjoon was thoroughly worried for the first time in nearly a decade. Not only did he not want to be sold to someone else who wouldn’t take care of him to the extent he’d gotten used to, but he also didn’t want to lose Taehyung. He watched his human make call after call, trying to find a reliable friend that would be willing to take on a hermit crab that needed Namjoon’s level of care. The little crab felt helpless, and if he had the ability to cry he was sure it would be happening now.

Finally, after many hours and lots of tears, Taehyung fell asleep hugging the giant crab pillow to his chest like he did every night that he was actually home. Namjoon watched over his boy from his tank, knowing this very well could be his last night with him.

Namjoon snuck a peek towards the closed window, observing the stars twinkle through the small number of clouds. Suddenly, a memory began to tickle at his brain. He remembered vaguely hearing a legend when he had been a tiny thing still living on the coast. It was said that the Goddess of the sea would grant a single wish to any born in her waters. Namjoon was a rather practical crab, and such a legend sounded ridiculous at best. Still, he was desperate, as he didn’t want to leave his boy. So, he closed his eyes and wished with all of his tiny heart to stay with the boy he loved.

Nothing happened.

Of course it didn’t. He hadn’t expected it to, really. He’d just be grasping at straws. Namjoon drooped sadly and began to scuttle towards his plants and rocks to hide away for a while.

Suddenly, the window snapped open loud enough to wake Taehyung, who was sitting up groggily and rubbing his eyes. Namjoon turned back towards the front of his cage and watched as something flew into the room.

It appeared as a big bubble of water, glowing an eerie blue tint. The little crab’s eyes flickered between the bubble and the boy who was staring at the water with a terrified gaze. Eventually, the bubble stopped near Namjoon’s tank, the light illuminating the set up within. Slowly, the bubble began to change shape until it began to resemble a human form.

Once it was done transforming, Namjoon stared back at a tall and beautiful woman. Her hair was a dark royal blue and fell to her feet in cascading waves. The eyes that pierced the little crab were the same shade of blue, but glowed and shimmered much like the bubble had. The dress she wore was like fine silk, soft and flowing as though it were made of water. Even a crab that didn’t know much about human beauty could tell that this person was ethereally stunning.

“Hello there, little Namjoon. The call of your heart was so strong I had to come,” the woman said as she peered into the tank. Even her voice was enthralling, forcing the crab to listen even through his fear.

“Hey, who the hell are you? This is my room. I’ll call the cops!” Taehyung shouted from his spot on the bed, holding his pillow above his head like it made a worthy weapon.

“Do not worry, human. I mean no harm. I am here because the little one called to me.”

Namjoon cringed internally as Taehyung’s gaze whipped towards the tank. He hadn’t known that she would actually come! He’d never meant to scare his boy.

“What do you mean? Leave my Namjoonie alone!”

“Ah, you have love in your heart for him as well. This is good. It may not be quite the same, but it will grow.”

The woman peered into the tank again.

“Do you still want me to grant your wish, little one?”

Namjoon nodded once and clicked his claws, hoping that she would understand if she was really the Goddess.

“Very well. So much love in such a little heart deserves a reward, after all. Then you have my blessing. Live a long and happy life, little one.”

The Goddess raises her hand and the eerie blue light surrounds Namjoon, lifting him up and out of his tank.

“NO! Namjoon! What are you doing to him?!” Taehyung wails as he scrambles out of bed.

“Calm yourself, human. He asked me for a boon and I found him worthy,” the Goddess chuckles as she watches Taehyung trip over his bedsheets trying to get to them.

Namjoon couldn’t begin to describe the feeling of what was happening to him. The blue light felt like it was piercing him straight into his soul and transforming everything. He could feel his very insides changing and shaping themselves into something new. As his body expanded, so did his brain, until he was suddenly experiencing all new emotions and thoughts that he hadn’t been capable of before. He was worried for the boy staring up at him in horrified fascination, but along with that he also felt utter unconditional love, of such depths he hadn’t known were possible.

The Goddess smiled encouragingly at him as he grew within her blue light until finally he was sitting on the floor as a whole new being.

Namjoon raised his claws towards his face, only to realize they were hands like his boys instead. He flexed the fingers, giggling as he wiggled them around. He followed the trail of the flesh suit on him, noticing arms and legs and weird hairs, all just like his Taehyung. In fact, he thought he might even be a little larger! Oh, what fun he was going to have being so big!

“Nam...Namjoon?” Taehyung stuttered, reaching out tentatively towards him.

“Tae Tae! I’m big!”

Namjoon smiled excitedly at his boy, realizing that not only was he big like him, but he could also talk like him too!

Taehyung seemed to freeze when Namjoon smiled, staring at his mouth.

“And...you have dimples,” he told Namjoon, his voice hushed and cheeks a little pink.

The crab patted his new fleshy face, suddenly worried.

“Is that bad?”

That seemed to loosen some of the tension in Taehyung’s shoulders as he chuckled softly.

“No, Namjoon. That’s good. Dimples are cute.”

“Oh,” Namjoon replied shyly. Taehyung often called him cute with one of his big boxy smiles, so he knew that word was a good one.

“Kim Taehyung,” The Goddess began, smiling fondly at the pair of them. “I give my charge Namjoon into your care, to love and care for the rest of his days. He has used his single boon to stay with you, and I have granted that wish to the best of my abilities. I have made him completely human and he will age at the same rate as you. There is also a packet of papers on your desk that will contain everything he needs to maintain a human life. I wish you both happiness. Love him well.”

“Thank you,” Namjoon hoped that though his words were still few, she would know that he was overwhelmingly grateful.

She nodded and smiled at him one last time before transforming back into her bubble and leaving through the window.

Namjoon and Taehyung watched her leave silently. It wasn’t until Namjoon shivered a little that Taehyung tore his gaze from the open window to stare at Namjoon.

“Oh! You’re...well...naked. You must be freezing!”

Taehyung jumped up and ruffled through his drawers, pulling out a pair of big sweatpants and a soft-looking sweater. He handed them to Namjoon and turned his back so he could dress.

Namjoon struggled, seeing as he wasn’t used to such a big form or so few legs, but he eventually figured it out. The clothes were nice, not as cozy as his shell, but they were soft and smelled like Taehyung.

“I’m done.”

Taehyung turned once he heard Namjoon’s whispered words, grinning fondly at the big man dressed in soft pink sweats. He sat down on the floor, and Namjoon dropped to copy him.

“So, I’m not going to say this isn’t really weird, because it is. But it’s still like, a good weird?” Taehyung mumbled, ruffling his own hair a bit.

Namjoon nodded, because yeah, even he knew it was weird and he was a crab.

Namjoon cleared his throat, his new massive-sized brain working hard to figure out what he wanted to say.

“I know this is strange, and when I made the wish I didn’t think it was really going to happen. I was just sad so I remembered the legend about her and did it. But I’m happy I did.”

“I think I’m happy you did, too,” Taehyung smiled. “I was so upset that I was going to have to give you away. I even thought about smuggling you into my dorm room, but we could have been kicked out for that kind of stuff.”

“You could have if you lived in one of those houses with college boys and they drink a lot. There was that one movie where they even had horses in the back. I was a lot smaller than a horse.”

Taehyung quirked an eyebrow at him. “You paid attention to movies?”

“Of course! I always watched the movies and stuff you would play, or listened when you talked to me. I loved when you talked to me,” Namjoon told him enthusiastically, not knowing how enthralled the other was by his deep dimples as he smiled.

“So, how do I look? Am I a regular human?” Namjoon asked, suddenly nervous since Taehyung kept staring at him. Maybe something was wrong?

“You’re...beautiful. Tall and strong-looking, with a big smile and pretty eyes. And your hair! It’s purple like you were before. I wonder if it’s permanent,” Taehyung mused as he reached towards Namjoon’s head.

Namjoon was both excited and nervous because this was the first time he was going to be touched in this form. Handling always made him a little nervous anyway, but he trusted his boy.

Taehyung’s fingers lightly touched Namjoon’s fluffy purple hair, and Namjoon was in heaven. It was so soft and the touch of Taehyung’s fingers ignited new nerves that made him twitch happily. So this was petting! It was wonderful.

Namjoon butted his head further into Taehyung’s hand to beg for more, making the other laugh giddily.

“Ah, Namjoonie, you’re so cute.”

Namjoon sighed happily, pleased that his human still seemed to like him in this form. He frowned when Taehyung pulled his hand away, causing the other to snort a laugh.

“Relax. I’ll pet you more in a bit. I want to see what else she left you. Hopefully, it’s some sort of birth certificate because right now you’re basically illegal,” Taehyung said as he jumped up and head towards a fat envelope on his desk.

Taehyung brought the envelope back over to Namjoon and plopped down next to him before opening it. He peeked inside, shuffling some papers around and pulling a few out.

“Well, welcome to the world, Kim Namjoon,” Taehyung chuckled and handed the paper to Namjoon.

The words were jumbled a bit at first, but once he concentrated they seemed to arrange themselves until he understood what it said. It was a birth certificate with his name in black bold letters, stating he was Kim Namjoon. This meant he was a real human now, right?

Taehyung gave little huffs of laughter every time he pulled out a new piece of paper.

“Hey, Namjoon. Did you know you graduated from my high school last year as valedictorian? And oh look, you’re starting college the same time as me.”

Now that piece of information caught his attention.

“Is it the same one as you?”

“Yeah, actually. Although your major is Marine Biology.”

“So I can stay with you?”

Taehyung peeked over at Namjoon, blushing slightly.

“Yeah, Namjoonie. You can stay with me. Chim can find a new roommate. I won’t leave you to the wolves.”

“There are wolves there?”

Taehyung giggled. “No. It’s a saying.”

“Oh, good. But I’m big now, so I can protect you from wolves if you need it.”

“Okay, Joon.”

Namjoon suddenly yawned loudly, the excitement and changes with his body finally catching up with him. Taehyung stood up and pulled Namjoon towards the bed.

“Let’s get some sleep, Namjoon. We can figure everything out later. For now we both need to rest.”

Namjoon nodded and let Taehyung tuck him under the covers before he slid in next to him.

But what made Namjoon happiest was when instead of hugging his crab pillow to his chest like usual, Taehyung instead wrapped himself around Namjoon. He’d never been cuddled like this before in his life, but he loved it. He’d never felt so special and loved before. He cuddled closer, smiling softly as Taehyung’s breathing slowly changed.

“Namjoon?” Taehyung’s sleepy voice asked, muffled a little by blankets and his position against Namjoon’s shoulder.

“Yeah?”

“You’re still going to be here when we wake up, right? I’m not dreaming and you’re not going to be the crab in my tank in the morning are you?”

Namjoon grinned, happy with the answer he had to give.

“I’m yours to keep.”

#bts #bts fanfic #hybrid!bts #hybrid #hybrids #hybrid!au #au #hybrid fanfiction #crabjoon #crab!namjoon #hybrid!namjoon #namjoon x taehyung #vmon #Taejoon #member x member

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onewhoturns · 5 years

Text

So. Story time.

I never really think of myself has having ptsd cause I’ve never been diagnosed with it, like I have with depression and ADHD (and there was some speculation about bipolar ii, but apparently depression/ADHD combined can also look a lot like hypomania and the depressive episodes of bipolar ii? idk? I do know that I had a minor breakdown when my then-psychiatrist mentioned it cause it was a big change to spring on someone at 23). I don’t get a lot of the symptoms typically associated with ptsd, I can’t understand them because I haven’t experienced them, and I don’t want to claim the diagnosis when I feel like my experiences are so much tamer than what so many people have gone through. Like, yes, I was assaulted, but it wasn’t rape. Yes, I kind of tried to kill myself, but it wasn’t a serious attempt (the end goal wasn’t actually death) and it wasn’t violent or bloody or that physically traumatizing (I mean I don’t think they even pumped my stomach, but to be honest I remember very little from that whole experience cause--- well, cause it was traumatizing. And my memory is crap.). What I’m going to mention here, though, is the First Big Trauma I can think of.

When I was... actually I don’t remember how old I was. I guess it was senior year? Like I said, my memory is crap. Since high school my brain has scrambled up dates like crazy, and forgotten or misremembered a lot of things, and left a lot of things vaguely floating in the ether unsure when they happened or where or if they happened at all. Anyway. My.... we’ll call him a friend. He had been a friend, anyway. Until I made the huge mistake of sleeping with him casually. With him knowing I was sleeping with other people as well. And he called my mother to tell her I was out having sex with people (don’t think he mentioned he was one of them). I don’t remember when I found out about this. It might have been before the incident in question or after. I really don’t remember the timeline. We could’ve still been tentatively close at this point, but I think I may have already been having off feelings about him, I don’t remember. Anyway. I was best friends with a different guy (the other one I was sleeping with -- look, I slept with my friends okay, I’m not saying I was a good person for it, I regret one of them immensely and wish I’d handled the other one better) who was also friends with Guy 1.

One night... and again, I don’t remember the context at all, what we were talking about or if I was talking to him at all, just that it was over iMessage somewhere after 1am, maybe after 2am. I don’t know what we were talking about. (Maybe this is why I keep records or reread through old conversations, I have the worst memory and it really irritates me that I can’t look back on logs of these convos.) Anyway. He says he’s going to kill himself. Me, being a teenager, immediately does the thing they do on tv and asks something akin to ‘do you have a plan’ or ‘how do you plan to do it’ or whatever, and he says he has a kitchen knife and I’m like FUCK no, talk to me, please talk to me, don’t do this. Do you want me to come over? I’ll sneak out and come over, please don’t do this right now. And I don’t remember a lot of the details. I was an idiot and roped Guy 2 into it cause I didn’t know how to handle this. I should’ve been a decent person and left him out of it. But maybe having someone else to talk to at the time (because of course I didn’t wake up my parents - I was breaking the rules being up and on the computer after 10pm or whatever, why would I be so rational as to talk to my loving parents about this horrible situation I’d been thrown into) was helpful in the moment. It probably was. I hope he wasn’t as scarred by the experience as I was. I don’t remember if he tried to contact Guy 1 or not. Anyway. I don’t know how long it went on. I remember mentioning to Guy 2 that maybe I should call an ambulance. I don’t remember if I did. I remember sobbing silently sneaking downstairs into the garage to get into my car cause I was going to drive to his house to talk to him if I had to. I was so shaken. I was sure that if he died it-- well it wouldn’t be my fault, exactly, but that there was more I could’ve done. I’m sure I mentioned the suicide hotline and said he should call them. I offered all the support I could give from afar.

I don’t remember the rest of that night. I know I didn’t ever open my garage door, just waited next to my car, texting constantly on my old flip phone, or maybe I was talking, I don’t know. I think I must’ve been talking. Eventually I assume I went to sleep. I don’t know who I talked to. At some point the next day I know I was involved with basically forcing the guy to talk to the school psychiatrist. I probably felt kind of proud, like I’d done the right thing. I don’t actually know if I did. You may have noticed, and I’ll state this a million times over; my memory is lacking. Maybe I said the Wrongest thing possible. I don’t know. I just know that I felt responsible for saving the guy’s life. And I was also absolutely terrified of him. Maybe it was after that that my mom told me about his ridiculous crossing of that Line between kids and parents. And just... in general. That was a line that shouldn’t have been crossed ever. And props to my mom for never confronting me about it, and generally respecting my sexual autonomy. I also remember - though, again, I don’t know when - calling him out on how ridiculously inappropriate something like that was, and him denying it. Like-- why would my mom make that up? There is literally no reason. And why choose him? Basically, I felt (rightfully) betrayed. And, of course, entirely traumatized by the whole suicide night. Eventually this became the first person I ever blocked on social media, the person who’s name still gives me chills, who I am terrified of to this day. The person who I had dreams of hunting me in my own home (didn’t help that he was on the rifle team, so I knew he knew how to shoot -- absolutely terrifying). He’s probably some boring ass white dude today. Probably living some whitebread life, working for the government. Some part of me still thinks he’s a psychopath.

Anyway. I guess what I’m trying to say is: please god, do not try to talk me down. Don’t do that to yourself. The likelihood that I will ever follow through on suicidal ideation is very very low (like I’d peg it at under 10%), and I never want anyone to go through the overwhelming fear and panic I felt that night. Leave an encouraging message. Encourage reaching out to more qualified professionals. Shoot a link to a crisis textline or something, but do not feel obligated to step in yourself. I will never try to lay the blame of my suicidality on anyone besides myself. I moved past the 13 Reasons Why mentality a long time ago. I am far more likely to argue that suicide should be a legal path for people who are adding nothing to the community as a whole than I am to argue that it’s someone else’s fault that I want to die. I think of death more logistically than emotionally at this point. It’s not a revenge fantasy. But that doesn’t mean I’m immune to really fucking depressing lines of thinking - inescapable spirals that are just impossible to talk me out of - when I’m in a bad place. No one should have to feel hopelessly frustrated at my own horrible self-talk at those times. Reaching out to people is great, but think of yourself first.

Anyway. Thanks, anon, for the support. Writing that last bit calmed me down, and I’d already considered the hotline and dismissed it cause I knew I wasn’t actually going to kill myself and just needed to vent off some panic. ❤

#personal #very personal #tw suicide #tw trauma #suicide #trauma #depression #tw depression #just stick all those warnings on here #story time from high school #mental health #feel free to ignore #this is completely unrelated to anything on this blog #just a big ol dash of tmi #tw stalking #maybe?

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daetur · 7 years

Text

The Soul Harvester (Dyrihm Personal Event Log, Part 13)

Only able to retrieve Dyrihm’s empty corpse, Froststrider and Zyandahl must face the reality that they were too late- and will need Trevarde’s help in order to track down the leader of Solis’s Cult of the Damned contacts to find Dyrihm’s soul.

With her twin brother Zyandahl crippled by grief, Sinronae Nae’thari arrives in their courtyard one evening, ready to help Frost follow Trevarde to his meeting with the Cultist leader- and she’s certainly more than the Tauren bargained for, especially knowing her usually mild, reserved brother.

|| After a few days of... processing, grieving, and heavy silences- along with equally heavy conversations- a small, shadowy, violet raven alights in the courtyard and waits for some sign of activity.

Froststrider is out tending to their Kodo and giving Astara some horn scritches. He can only hope the drake is oblivious to Dyr's condition. He doesn't seem to notice the raven.

|| The bird flits into Frost's line of sight, a few feet away from the skeletal drake. It crows once, a strange, echoy sound, and tilts its head, regarding the tauren with a beady eye. It puffs up its ethereal chest feathers. "Message," it says, in Trevarde's voice.

Froststrider whips his head around, tensing as some strands of his mane raises at the crow. "...Give it." He says slowly after taking some breaths to not attempt snatching the bird.

|| It fluffs its feathers again, shifting its wings and feet. "My meeting, tonight," it continues, still in the voice of the priest. "Leaving from my home. Meet me there. As agreed."

Sinronae || An elven woman steps out of the shadows atop the courtyard wall and hops down to the ground. Striding over toward Frost with a leisurely gait, she gestures at the bird. "You going?" she asks. If Frost were to look closely, he might notice a resemblance to Zyandahl, though she lacks all of his scars and damage.

Froststrider notices the resemblance and it’s the only thing keeping him from picking the elf up and throwing her back over the wall. "...You are... Dahl's sister?" He asks lightly then glares back at the bird then back to the woman.

|| That seems to be all, as it ruffles its feathers once more, and pushes off, darting quickly out of reach and back towards Trevarde's city abode.

Sinronae nods, watching the bird fly away. Thar he go. "Yeup, that's me. And you're the Tauren who's been tumbling Dyr. Nice to meet you." She offers him a wave that is somehow sarcastic.

Froststrider blinks a bit flustered, "T-tumbling?" then he shakes his head with a huff starts to walk toward Trevarde's place, making an indication to walk and talk. While she's here... He might as well get some questions answered. He paused to glance at the hatch then continued. Best to let Dahl rest and not find out about this. Just yet.

Sinronae shrugs and says, "Tumbling," she repeats, then, "Boning, bedding, fucking, fondling, you get it. I didn't guess him for being into big beefy guys, but congrats. Nice score."

Froststrider | On the way to Trevarde's home, he of course tries to ask Nae some questions about Dahl. Like the recent incident, instead of talking about sex with Dyrihm. "A-ahem... Yes well... Back to the question--" pauses realizing they reached the door. Oh.

Sinronae sighs, saying, "Yeah, my brother ain't doing so hot right now. He'll be fine once Dyr's back up and kicking, so I'm helping make that happen." She notices the door and immediately raps on it with her knuckles, hard.

Trevarde 's answer comes quickly this time, and the knob turns slightly as he calls out, expectant- "Who's there?"

Sinronae calls, "Stripper-gram, open up."

Froststrider chokes a bit.

Trevarde turns the knob back. "I- what? Who are you? I was expecting- I am expecting... company!" He G R I T S out that last word.

Sinronae snickers quietly and then mocks whines, "Come on Trevvv, don't be like that. Girl's gotta make a living."

Froststrider grunts, "It's me, priest." looks down at Nae, wondering how this woman is related to Dahl but then again him and Dyr have both been telling him things. He should not be surprised.

Sinronae huffs, fun squelched.

Trevarde is silent for a long moment, then sighs, loud enough to be heard through the door, as Frost speaks. He turns the knob once more, pushing the door open. His face loses all expression upon seeing the elf. "I should have known. It's been a long time, Sinronae," he delivers, dryly.

Sinronae scoots past him like she owns the place and sits her butt on his dining table. "So it has. I have heard some naughty things about you, buddy. Bad things." She tuts at him.

Froststrider draws in a long sigh.

[Froststrider]: You are going to a meeting then...?

Trevarde doesn't seem certain if he should be more afraid of the elf or the Tauren. He settles for backing into his home and putting a chair firmly between him and the two of them, clutching the back of it, and looking rather like he swallowed a bug. "Yes- I am leaving to Northrend. Tonight, to meet with the man responsible for this whole..." He waves a hand dismissively, "... Soul-collecting operation."

Sinronae eyes him. "Meeting with the head of the whole operation, huh? Movin’ up in the world." Nothing she says sounds wholly serious or wholly like a joke. Everything is both.

[Froststrider]: Then we must be there. Or you are to bring a comm with you and have it on for the whole thing.

Trevarde looks aghast. "A- a comm? Some enchanted communications device? He'd sense that on me from a hundred paces." He aims a glare at Nae. "Yes, it is a sizeable opportunity- what I was offered for my... assistance." He sighs. "No, no comm. And you can't BE there, he expects me alone."

[Trevarde]: The best I can do- and what I agreed to- was to lead you TO him.

Sinronae gives Trevarde a look that, for the first time since Frost met her this evening, does not look amused. It's unreadable. "You realize," she says, and her tone, too, is flat, "that you helped basically murder Dyrihm, right? Like, I get that it's temporary and he's comin' back, but you had no willing hand in that, dude. This whole thing is on you. You realize that, I hope?"

Froststrider folds his arms, ears pinning slightly in obvious displeasure, "And how do you expect this if you insist we can't be there?" glances to Nae when she speaks and grunts, "We have his things held hostage for the moment. He knows what all is at risk here."

Trevarde 's grip tightens on the back of that chair. "I owe him no loyalty," Trevarde hisses, "And I was offered a great reward. If I truly had a stake in KEEPING him dead, I would not be helping you now!" A few wisps of shadow creep along his shoulders. "You will follow me to my meeting. You will have the location of their current operations, the entrance, perhaps even the face of the one in command. That is what I can offer."

Froststrider taps his arm in thought, tail giving a twitch or two.

Sinronae chuckles a bit at Frost's words. "He ain't coming back for his BOOKS if he thinks it might get him killed. He'll only come back if he thinks running AWAY'll get him killed." She levels Trevarde with a pointed stare. The threat is not subtle. Then she sighs and hops off the table. "I'm not on your case for not giving a shit about Dyrihm, Trev. I don't give a fuck about who you give a fuck about. But if you didn't think fucking with Dyrihm was a bad idea, that's clearly your mistake. Own it, bitch."

Trevarde 's eyes stick on Nae, a little fearful. "My understanding... was that I give them the location of Dyrihm's soul, and never show my face to them again, and that's the end of it."

Froststrider doesn't stop Nae cause honestly he still needs some form of venting. But he does wait for her to finish before stating, "Fine. I will bring it up with my comrades and see what they think of this plan."

[Trevarde]: Comrad- no! What part of 'I am leaving tonight' was unclear? I don't have time for you to gather the opinions of your whole merry band!

Sinronae clicks her tongue. "My understanding is that if Dyrihm stays dead, you die for good. If your help actually, you know, helps, then that's great!" She does a peppy little hop, batting her eyelashes at him, then gets serious again. "If not, well, you're still not off the hook then, buddy."

Trevarde holds out a hand towards Nae. "It will help! Nachtigall has multiple workshops across Icecrown, and he moves each week! If you don't want to waste time, and find Dyrihm shambling about the frozen wastes as a will-less CONSTRUCT, you need my help!"

Froststrider grits his teeth slightly. "Fine. We will follow you." He hoped to get Dahl at least and maybe Nob. He was still not happy with the shit for knocking him on his ass but he can do his shit.

Sinronae shrugs. "Great," she says. "Just remember: You're only in this mess because of you. If it ends up not being fixable, you pay for it."

Trevarde grumbles, "Solis would have had him eventually without my help, you know. Dyrihm betrayed the Blade on his own, I just helped point some noses towards it."

Sinronae laughs. "I literally don't care."

Froststrider grunts again, "Let's get going then."

Trevarde clears his throat. "Yes, I- ..... let's." With that, he takes his bird in hand, and walks out of the home, past Frost, with no further preparation. They stole all of his stuff, anyway.

Froststrider lets Trevarde past then starts to follow him with a glance back toward Nae.

Sinronae follows, somehow managing to keep up while appearing leisurely.

Trevarde leads them to the upper ruins, where he anxiously checks a small pocketwatch. "We have a few moments," he says, then falls quiet, waiting.

Froststrider folds his arms, looking around for a place to hide away.

Sinronae raises an eyebrow. "Til what, you turn back into a pumpkin?"

Trevarde shoots them both a withering glare. "No, you fools- I said we were going to Northrend. My... benefactor is a powerful mag- Ah!" A portal rips itself open in front of them. "This will be approximate at this distance- even he has limits- you will have time to hide away before we approach them."

Sinronae eyes the portal appreciatively. "Your sugar daddy delivers. That makes things nice and easy."

[Froststrider]: Sugar... Daddy?

[Trevarde]: Please, no.

Sinronae gives Frost a toothy grin over her shoulder and makes lewd gestures with her hands behind Trevarde's back.

Froststrider makes a face, once more wondering how Dahl and Nae are siblings.

Trevarde shoots Nae an utterly ineffectual withering glare as they step through the portal- and into the icy chill of Northrend once more. Above them looms a runed cathedral- one of the old holdouts of the Cult of the Damned in Northrend. "This is it," he says.

Trevarde "The Cathedral where Nachtigall is doing his work, for the time being- all of his materials should be stored here, with him. That means his collection of souls."

Sinronae rolls her eyes at Trevarde and leans toward Frost, mock whispering, "I'm kidding. I don't think Trev's gotten laid possibly ever."

Trevarde grinds his teeth audibly.

Froststrider holds back a snort of laughter while looking around instead. Part of his is... very tempted to run in and try finding Dyr's soul.

[Froststrider]: How often does he move?

[Trevarde]: Every week or so- he just made the shift to this location today, which is why we are meeting now. More time before he leaves again for us to work together.

Froststrider makes a disgusted sound at that.

Sinronae purses her lips for a moment, then asks, "And you're sure I'd be sensed? You know I'm relatively decent at staying hidden." The sarcastic delivery makes her sound boastful.

Trevarde scoffs. "Quite certain. He has wards, traps, and a keen magical sense of his own. You are a Death Knight and a Sin'dorei- enough magic runs through both of you for him to feel you if you got close enough."

[Trevarde]: Now, I must go- he will be expecting me.

Froststrider 's muzzle wrinkles, suddenly having doubts. What if Trevarde warns this shit... "...Go before I change my mind." Grits through his teeth.

Sinronae shrugs. "Just checking." Then as he prepares to leave, she flicks him in the ear and says, "Remember what I said, Trevarde. If Dyrihm doesn't come back to life, my brother is going to want your head. And I'm going to get it for him. I don't care where you hide."

Trevarde flinches away. "I believe you," he hisses, and stalks off towards the Cathedral entrance.

Sinronae calls "Doesn't matter if you believe me, dude! It's true either way!"

Froststrider sighs, "Enough. Let's just go, I need to report this as soon as possible."

Trevarde approaches the towering metal gates of the Cathedral, with a nervous glance back, hoping they are smart enough to hide themselves. Two hooded figured step forth, draped in black and purple robes. Between them... floats a taller, slender figure. Trevarde bows deeply, and it extends a clawlike hand above his head.

|| Its skeletal grin marks it for what it is- a Lich.

[Trevarde]: Lord Nachtigall. I have anxiously awaited this opportunity.

|| The Lich smiles wider, lowering those long, pointed fingers to hover inches above Trevarde's head. "Come, priest," it says, in a hollow voice, "We have much to prepare, and little time. My own work and yours, and so few days to complete it."

Trevarde nods, and straightens from his bow. "A week only, yes, my Lord?" he asks- what an incredible sense of self-preservation, for their benefit.

|| Nachtigall nods slowly, and reaches to sweep Trevarde inside with one of those too-long arms. "Yes, priest," he answers. "Seven days, and you will be a new man. Come." The Lich drifts back inside the entrance of the Cathedral, pulling Trevarde along, flanked by the two hooded cultists.

|| The runed doors shut behind them, leaving their unseen visitors alone with nothing but the wind and cold.

Froststrider 's ears are perked and he's doing everything to not growl or anything to give himself away. "Fucking little scum. We need to go." He states since Nae disappeared from his sight.

Sinronae stares at the closed door for a minute, then shakes her head. "Whelp, he's fucked. I'd never trust ANY damn thing that looked like that nasty ass monster."

[Sinronae]: And yeah, we can go.

Froststrider nods then heads off to find the closest zep that could take them back.

Sinronae follows.

#RP logs #Charnel Corps #Discorpse

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worn-lies-truths-in-the-closet · 4 years

Text

So I’m not exactly back

Cuz tumblr has made a little sad and a lot of my followers up and left because of my last hiatus. But, I am glad because I get to vent this into the ether.

Ive been struggling to keep my journal because I feel like I’m struggling with the feelings I put in paper. I feel so distraught trying to empty them out. I feel so alone and I’m more afraid now than ever to tell anyone about it. Even at therapy, I just say the most mundane shit because it doesn’t help to verbalize thoughts I can’t hush away.

They just keep going and no one wants to keep hearing that. I’ve been trying so hard to change who I am lately. I try desperately to become more agreeable, more easy to be around, more quiet, less emotional. For all my trying though, there is a terrible emptiness seeping into the core of my being and I’m more afraid now than ever to let anyone into that lest they should deem me far too heavy and abandon me.

I cried in the shower for 2 hours and I think I was so angry because I couldn’t stop wasting water but could get myself to peel myself from the bottom of the small coffin of a basin.

I was paralyzed by my anger at my frustration.

ANGER AT FRUSTRATION.

I was angry for being frustrated by my inability to exist the way I’d be least likely to get abandoned.

I was angry at my fears controlling such a large part of my conscious mind.

I was angry that, despite what some might read as good signs, I lacked any clarity.

I was angry that, despite me knowing nothing is promised and that clarity is a privilege, I still had tears forcing themselves from me that I couldn’t explain away.

I’ve been so angry at myself because I’m realizing the truth is that I’m probably in need of someone who CAN love me.

I was angry because I realized what a fool I was. You cannot love me and, even if you could, it could never be what I’d hoped. It will be filled with a coldness I cannot keep.

I am angry even now because my mind tried to tell itself that it doesn’t know anything for sure and that my intuition has failed me before.

I’m angry because my intuition rarely ever fails me but I consistently decide to ignore it because I keep unreasonable Hope always. I am idiotically optimistic in the quietness of my soul.

I have come to realize the painful truth about my love. It is painful to realize that this is where I stand: I love only a fraction of this person because if I loved him, I would love his silence and his distance too but I don’t. I can’t bring myself to hate it or be angry at him over it. Instead, it simply hurts me.

To be honest with myself, I hurt myself over it.

I keep telling myself that I can learn to handle the differences in our communication styles and needs but I don’t even know his needs. I feel trapped by my pain and sorrow.

The true pain is knowing that I now have a decision to make: continue to try and change as best as I can or quit and start over again.

And the latter is terrifying but I met a girl that makes me feel like I’m NOT crazy. She lets me know when she’s busy but doesn’t miss an opportunity to talk to me and share who she is. We understand that well both want to respond but disappear for a moment or even for a while but it’s just understood that we are here for each other. I almost feel like a cheater for having a new fun friendship that makes me feel butterflies just because this relationship I’m in just gives me knots.

When he’s here, it feels like I’m open chested, the very sun wrapped in my arms, like I’m being destroyed. I love for him to come, hate to watch him go.

But watching him go is another clue. I look back for as long as I can. As quick as Good-bye has left our lips, I have left his mind.

I guess I know what must be done but I’ll wallow in it for a bit longer.

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