#hyperfocus mode while cleaning is the best
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I can't believe what I've found (chapter two)
Me: aw this is going to be a very short chapter compared to the last one
Also me, two days later: well, here's a chapter even longer than the first!
Huge huge thanks to the most wonderful beta readers anyone could possibly want @nb-fearne and @minky-for-short!
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Horror author Caleb Widogast wakes up and remembers he invited his new illustrator Mollymauk Tealeaf over to his apartment for their first meeting.
He really hates his past self sometimes.
Find chapter one and please consider leaving a comment over on Ao3!
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Veth had been expecting a flurry of stress texts from Caleb.
Of course, she always was. Like a meteorologist, there were some hurricanes you saw coming and could carefully plot and plan for but squalls could come from anywhere. And this morning she saw a category five meltdown on the horizon, to break whenever her best friend woke up and remembered he’d agreed to meet this prospective illustrator today.
So she’d woken up early with her son, Luc, who seemed to consider any moment of daylight not spent tearing around at a hundred miles an hour to be wasted. While he sat under the kitchen table with a breakfast pastry in one hand and his toy truck in the other, Veth sat with her phone and a cup of coffee that looked and tasted stronger than some of the chemicals her husband used at work. Hatches firmly battened down, she waited for the storm to hit.
And, around seven, Veth’s phone lit up and loudly buzzed. Though, instead of continuing, instead of thrashing around so hard it almost slid off the kitchen table, assaulted by one test after another, it fell immediately silent. Veth frowned, as confused as a meteorologist would be if the hurricane they’d been watching with trepidation had spat one raindrop out and then dissipated.
She picked up her phone, idly petting Luc’s hair with the other hand as he’d drifted close enough. Sure enough, just one message from Caleb and, when Veth read it, she was no less confused.
Do you know how to get pizza sauce stains off floorboards?
Caleb hadn’t actually woken up at seven. He’d been up since five that morning.
And the only reason he hadn’t swamped Veth with messages was because his hands had been full the entire time.
He set down the immense armload of dirty clothes, trying to get at least most of it inside the hamper that didn’t have a hope in hell of containing all of it. Frumpkin only just managed to drive out of the way in time before getting crushed under it all.
“Sorry,” Caleb panted, “I know that’s been more your bed than anything else lately but we’ve got a situation here and I’d appreciate it if you lent a hand.”
Frumpkin only arched his back unhappily and flicked his tail in what had to be the cat equivalent of a middle finger.
“Well, you’re magic, you could do something,” Caleb muttered, turning back to stepping on the pile of musty clothes to try and force them down and look less damning.
Caleb had never once cared about the state of his tiny apartment, apart from the occasional motherly guilt from Veth. But he’d woken up, sharp as broken glass, with a sudden awareness that he was about to invite someone who didn’t already know him, whose opinion he cared very much about, into his home. And that home looked like a pig sty.
And he had to do something about it.
So with a lot of determination and very little practical knowledge, Caleb had been cleaning since his eyes had snapped open. Quite how he’d managed to generate this much clutter and mess in such a small space, with just one man and one fae cat, was beyond him but undoing it all was proving impossible even in his hyperfocus mode. He’d resorted to forcing himself to down tools long enough to text Veth and google tidying spells, painful as time slipped through his fingers.
Frumpkin watched from the arm of the cracked leather couch as Caleb worked a mix of detergent and water into the floor, following Veth’s instructions. He gave a rough, rangy miaow, blinking his amber eyes curiously.
Caleb shot him a look in return, “No. No, I don’t know why I care so much what Mr Tealeaf thinks of my apartment. And we’re not thinking about it. Okay?”
Frumpkin grunted and turned his back to Caleb.
“Exactly,” he muttered, checking the time to see how long he had left, glancing at the clock on the wall.
The answer was not very long at all. He and Mr Tealeaf had agreed he’d come over at ten, just before the tiefling had given him that ten kilowatt smile he was still thinking about and Caleb had left the party, feeling lighter than he ever had walking away from a social engagement.
He vehemently cursed that slightly younger version of himself for setting him up like this.
Frumpkin lashed his tail so it slapped against the sagging couch.
“What?” Caleb scrubbed harder, frowning though seeing that the stain was at least starting to blur, “I just thought meeting him here would be easier than at the office. I mean…I’m going to have to let him read the whole thing, take notes, pull it apart…no, I don’t feel good about it. Thanks. For pointing that out. I feel great.”
Frumpkin leapt down smartly, prodding the balled up wads of paper towel surrounding his master, trilling as he batted one in his direction.
Caleb sighed, sitting back, feeling deep twinges in his legs as he did.
“I don’t know why I trust him,” he finally admitted, after a moment's pause, “I just do. So I guess we have to run with it.”
Frumpkin sniffed at that and darted away. Caleb wasn’t sure if that was approval or not but he had to follow his own advice. Run with it.
Eventually he decided to drag the footstool over the stain and have done with it. There wasn’t time, he had to learn how to get cat claw marks off walls and there was still a mountain of dishes to do and piles of worn clothes he had to either wash or kick under the bed. He needed to take his little writer’s cave and make it look presentable, like someone perfectly normal lived in this perfectly normal apartment. Someone who had written a perfectly normal children’s picture book that absolutely had nothing behind it’s perfectly normal words.
Caleb jumped when the bell rang, it’s buzz out of tune. He crawled out from under the kitchen table, leaving the dustpan and brush where it lay. His hoover had given up the ghost, that must be one of his friends responding to his panicked call to borrow someone else’s. A relief too, this method wasn’t getting him very far and he’d just found a deep vein of old toast crumbs.
Frumpkin joined him on his walk to the door, pink nose high and interested in the air, tail stuck up like a stiff wire.
Caleb gave him a smile, neatly stepping around him, “Must be Jester, eh? She’s your favourite.”
Frumpkin just trilled, taking a halfhearted swipe at the bottom of his ratty sweatpants as he dodged him.
Caleb made it to the door without trodding on his magical familiar, smiling down at him as he opened it, “If you’re lucky, she’ll have brought us some more of those cupcakes you-”
The words froze in his throat as he looked up into the very red, very wide eyes of someone who was not Jester. And who was, in fact, Mollymauk.
Standing on his porch with a bemused smile on his face, wrapped in a heavy coat and scarf was the artist who’d caught his attention last night and stayed there somehow. His nose was dark purple from the cold, his eyes bright, mouth turned up in an apologetic smile. He looked like he’d been hurrying.
“I’m sorry I’m late!” his voice was rough from the flights of stairs, the elevator hadn’t worked in the apartment block since Caleb had moved in, “Yasha told me over and over again to set off really early so I would be on time and make a good first impression but I fell asleep on the subway and I got lost so…oh.”
Molly finally noticed the fact that Caleb was dressed in what was unmistakably pyjamas, filthy from his cleaning panic, completely unprepared for him and bright red in the face.
“Did I…get the wrong day?” Molly blinked after a moment’s pause.
“No,” Caleb’s voice was shrunken, “I’m just the biggest idiot on the face of the planet.”
Molly’s mouth twitched into a smile he was trying and failing to fight off, “Nah, that’s clearly me. I could have gotten away with being late.”
Caleb scrubbed at his face, feeling the burn of embarrassment in his cheeks, “Gods, I am so, so sorry. I was cleaning and I just lost track of time and forgot to, uh…clean…myself. Fuck.”
Molly glanced over Caleb’s hunched shoulders, eyeing the rest of the apartment, “Oh wow. You have been cleaning. Wait…you’ve not been doing all that for my benefit?”
From down by his ankles, Frumpkin mewed.
“Traitor,” Caleb hissed down at him, making Mollymauk blink though he didn’t say anything, “Um…I…it was pretty uninhabitable…”
“Oh, you didn’t have to go to all that trouble for me,” the tiefling said, though his smile softened in a charmed kind of way, “You should see my place, it’s a shitheap. My roommate threatens to kick me out about six times a day. And you’re not technically my official boss yet so, yes, I am allowed to say ‘shit’ in front of you.”
Despite the embarrassment, Caleb felt a smile pull at the corners of his mouth.
“I won’t be your boss. It’ll be an equal partnership, we both work for the publishing company,” he explained, cautiously bringing his hands back down, “So you can swear if you want.”
Something about that amused Molly and he nodded, “Gotcha. Um…so I can come back in a bit if you need some time to get ready? Promise I won’t get lost again.”
“No, no, you came all the way here,” Caleb stood to one side, letting Molly walk past, “I’ll be really quick, I just need to change…and do my teeth…and brush my hair…um, I won’t be long.”
“Don’t worry about it man,” Molly had open interest on his face as he stepped into the tiny apartment.
It looked as chaotic as it had at five am, frustratingly. There were still overstuffed bookcases dominating most of the walls, even if they had to be cut into to accommodate things like an ancient, semi functional television, the headboard of Caleb’s rickety single bed or even a fridge. There were still bare floorboards, the handmade rag rugs Veth gifted him bravely covering as much as they could. There was still the very clearly broken couch and no other place to sit, the tiny kitchen with its wonky table. There was still the old fashioned writing desk pushed up against one wall, laptop and piled up notebooks sitting on it, holding court to more notebook stacks, piles of haphazardly organised research and dirty, festering coffee mugs that Caleb had missed because he was so used to seeing them there they’d become part of the scenery. There were still haphazardly placed and organised trinkets on every surface that were undeniably odd to display, things that appealed to no one but Caleb- a box of buttons in different shades of green, little cat figurines, cups too chipped to be of any use, random stones and bits of sea glass, an old hospital wristband. It still looked like the home of someone who had a contentious relationship with their own mind.
At least there was less dust. And you couldn’t see the stain on the floor.
Caleb swallowed hard, “Um…there’s coffee in the pot if you want, you’d need to heat it up…”
But Molly looked over his shoulder and his smile was bright, “I love your place! Have you had breakfast yet?”
Caleb winced, apparently Mollymauk was one of those people like Percy, Veth and Beau who had some kind of preternatural sense of when he’d been neglecting basic bodily functions. Although he supposed he could just have read the basic clues of him standing there in pyjamas in the eye of a frantic cleaning storm, with shadows under his own eyes. Not exactly the impression he’d wanted to make on his illustrator.
“Um…”
“You take your time getting ready,” Molly shrugged out of his enormous coat, folding it politely over the arm of the couch, wearing just a simple though eye wateringly colourful jumper and jeans underneath, “I’ll get that sorted. No rush, it’s not like we need to get started straight away. Get yourself in the right headspace, yeah?”
He was using the same kind of voice he’d used to coax Caleb out of his panic attack the night before. A soft but not condescending kind of tone, one that immediately understood. One that stood halfway to meet you and didn’t ask for any more.
And Caleb nodded, somehow finding it easy. He left Molly scratching the top of Frumpkin’s head with his long nails, abandoned his pyjamas in the now empty hamper and showered, losing track of time a little under the warm, comforting spray but somehow not feeling guilty about it. Picking clothes almost threw him, standing in a towel, water dripping down his shoulders from his hair and realising that he didn’t own much that didn’t look exactly like his pyjamas- an oversized promotional t-shirt from the publishing company and sweatpants decorated with cat faces. But he told himself firmly that Molly clearly didn’t care how casually he dressed, pulling out a pair of jeans and a soft flannel shirt he’d always found comforting to wear. Quickly scrubbing his hair dry and wrestling it into less of a bird’s nest, he felt a little more human and in control of his reflection when he glanced in the mirror.
As soon as he came out of the bedroom, Caleb could smell warm bread and meat and coffee coming from the kitchen, his stomach growling loudly as if to inform him that he’d been hungry for a good long while now and really should have noticed. Mollymauk was pulling foil wrapped parcels out of a paper bag, politely fending off Frumpkin with an elbow at the same time, takeaway cups steaming.
“Now, now, I got you your own, that’s Caleb’s!” Molly was saying, laughing and the enormous ginger cat’s rumbly complaints.
“Sorry,” Caleb interjected, partly to announce himself, “He’s greedy.”
Molly looked up, his face brightening when he saw Caleb, “Welcome back to the land of the living. Hope you don’t mind, that mushroom guy from last night, Caduceus? He runs a little cafe in the city, he told me, so I thought I’d order breakfast from there. It was partly in solidarity but honestly it smells fucking amazing. I didn’t know what you’d want to I ordered a bit of everything…”
“You didn’t have to do that for me,” Caleb’s eyes widened at the sight of all the food.
“And you didn’t need to wake up at the ass crack of dawn and clean your whole apartment just cos I was coming over,” Molly gave him a crooked look, “Call it evening the scales?”
Caleb felt his cheeks redden again, more gently this time, “Fair…:
Besides, as he sat down and pulled one of the pleasantly warm foil wrapped sandwiches, he felt the yawning hunger purr contentedly. He was starving and the food was genuinely delicious and the coffee some of the best he’d tasted, though he thought it could be a little stronger. Granted, he thought that about any coffee he hadn’t made himself.
He was feeding Frumpkin his own little sides of bacon when it struck Caleb that he hadn’t said anything to Mollymauk in a while. The tiefling didn’t seem to mind at all, chewing contentedly and still eyeing the apartment curiously, occasionally glancing down to his phone to check a text.
Suddenly scrambling for something to say, Caleb swallowed hard and said, “Thank you for the food.”
Molly blinked, clearly coming out of his own little world too, “Great, isn’t it? That Caduceus guy should write a cookbook next.”
Caleb chuckled and privately wished he’d taken more time to talk to Caduceus too, “Um…so did you have fun last night?”
Molly grinned, “Yeah! Book people are weird. I’ve never illustrated before, you see, I’ve not run in your kind of circles until now but you’re all fun as hell.”
Caleb felt a small spark of relief that in Molly’s mind, weird equaled fun. “What is it you do, then? If you weren’t an illustrator until recently, I mean.”
Molly suddenly looked a little awkward, pulling the crust of his sandwich apart in nervous fingers, “Well…I, uh, run a kid’s art class at the community centre? And I paint sets and do general roadie stuff for a theatre. To be perfectly honest, the publishing people found my stuff online. I’ve been posting it there as a hobby, really. Not super seriously.”
“Oh really?” Caleb’s obvious interest and complete lack of disdain clearly made Molly relax a little.
“Yeah,” he admitted, “It was my best friend Yasha who even convinced me to do that much. Art’s been more of a therapy for me than a job, really.”
At the last second, Caleb managed to not laugh, knowing it would come off as inappropriate, that Molly wouldn’t understand that it was just the ridiculous similarities between the two of them, that it was more amused relief than anything.
“That’s lovely,” was all he said, “Can, I…if you’re done eating I mean, can I see it?”
Molly tilted his head, “You haven’t seen the sketches yet? Mr de Rolo didn’t show you?”
Caleb’s mouth hung open as it sunk in that he really should have done that before this point.
Bereft of something to say, he eventually just mumbled, “Well you haven’t read any of my books.”
For a second he was terrified he’d done the thing he always did, when what was intended as a joke came out sounding harsh and just mean, pushing people away rather than trying to integrate himself with them. But then Mollymauk threw his head back and laughed. A croaky, rattling laugh, rough and cackling, that Caleb immediately found endearing. Before too long, he was laughing as well.
“Okay, okay, you got me there,” the tiefling snorted, shoulders still shaking, “But yeah, fuck, of course you can see what I’ve done.”
He dived into the bag he’d brought with him, bringing out a sketchbook that was ragged around the edges from bouncing around in there as he walked around. He spread it on the table, moving aside discarded balls of foil and napkins, casually flipping it open. Caleb’s eyes widened at his brazenness, the way he just opened up that part of himself like it was on spiral binding too. Like Caleb could just be trusted with that, without question.
And it was so beautiful. There were pages of sketches, sheets that were clearly studies of the performers at the theatre in different poses and elaborate costumes, dancing faceless across the pages, there were drawings of a bird on Molly’s windowsill, sketches of the view from his bedroom window, sheafs of his technical practising. But then Caleb turned the page and he stepped into another world. Suddenly there were riots of colour, familiar shapes bending and twisting, dreamlike, watercolours bleeding and blending into new things. There was a strong, pale woman whose dark hair came alive and twisted into a sunset sky. There was a self portrait, his skin dripping down into a sea of violet. There were pages of images that now lived on Mollymauk’s skin, he’d clearly designed most of his tattoos himself. It was all so beautiful.
“So…you like it?” Molly’s smile had softened and Caleb realised that he had been a little nervous, realising it only now it had left.
Caleb felt woefully unprepared to describe it, “Yes. Yes, Molly, it’s…it’s so beautiful.”
“I know what you’re thinking,” Molly chuckled, “It doesn’t match your book, does it? At least not the sample page I was given.”
Caleb had actually completely forgotten about his own work, lost in the magic of Molly’s art work. But the tiefling leaned over, turning the next page for him, “...so this is actually what I did based on what Mr de Rolo sent.”
There was an entire spread given over to it. Whereas everything else was colour and form, this was darkness and flowing shape. But a darkness that wasn’t just dark. It was thick violet, it was the green of the deepest sea, it was a blue so dark it must have come from the night sky, it was a raven’s wing kind of darkness. It was the kind of darkness that could hold any kind of nightmare, a mirror to whatever you were most scared of. A lot of the other illustrators Caleb had seen focused on that, though no other had managed to do it quite so captivatingly.
But in the corner, there was a single point of light. A tiny orange cat stood on its hind legs and held up a lantern, it’s face frightened but still facing the darkness, a small bravery but one that wrapped it in light. And the light actually moved, it breathed, the same as the darkness. Not just one yellow but several, so many colours pushing back the nightmares that surrounded them. Small but enough.
For a long time, Caleb couldn’t speak. He just reverently touched the wrinkled edges of the pages, mapping the hills and valleys wash after wash of paint and water had carved into them to keep himself grounded while his mind grew to be able to take this in.
He knew the sample lines the illustrators had been given. Of course he did, he’d written them. But looking at this page, they came to Caleb like they were brand new.
And the Katzenprinz was so scared and so alone. He realised now that he’d been lied to, that the people who had promised to take care of him had lied and left him in the dark.
They’d been given that line for obvious reasons. It was the nadir of the story, the low point, to see if they could properly capture the tone of the book without scaring the children too badly. And of course the artists had done amazingly, creating beautiful art from Caleb’s words. It had all been very dark, very cold, a parade of small cats of all colours and shapes alone in the shadows.
But only this cat had hope. Frightened, abandoned, alone. But still brave, in his own little way. And when he looked at that painted lantern, Caleb understood why no other art had worked but this one. This was what he wanted. He wanted that tiny light. He wanted hope.
Why else was he writing this book if not for that?
“I get the sense that this story is really important to you, Caleb,” Molly’s voice reached him, “I want it to be exactly right, if this isn’t what you were thinking, I completely understand.”
“It’s not what I was thinking,” Caleb rasped, “It’s better.”
Molly made a surprised but happy little noise, sitting up and smiling, “Oh…well, I don’t know about that…”
“Seriously,” Caleb managed to tear his eyes away from the work long enough to look at him, “How…how did you do this?”
Molly seemed caught off guard by that question, thinking for a moment before he answered, fingers anxious again as they began to pull his coffee cup apart, “The same way you wrote it, I suppose? I mean…I just connected with it. Not to get too, y’know, into it but I get the feeling we’re going to have to put a lot of trust in each other as we do this whole thing. But I’m actually really severely dyslexic? That’s why I’ve never read any of your other work, which I’m sure is great, by the way. The only books I really like reading are picture books like the one you’ve written. And honestly, Caleb, from just that line alone? I can tell this is going to be really important to a lot of people.”
Molly had thought before he answered so Caleb made sure he did the same, even if the words came easier than usual. He made sure he got up first, going over to his work desk and taking a thin stack of paper out of the top drawer. His hands only trembled a little as he handed it to Mollymauk.
“With you, I think it will be,” he said gently.
Molly’s grin was electric, lighting up his whole face.
“Just two things,” Caleb hummed, sliding back into his seat, he still had half a hash brown left and he fully intended to finish it.
“Yeah?” Molly politely set the pages down though it was clear he was dying to read them.
“One, please don’t read them in front of me,” Caleb asked with a self conscious chuckle, “At least for the first time, you can take them away with you and we can work on them together tomorrow.”
“Absolutely,” Molly held his hands up, “Completely understand. I will resist the urge to call you at two in the morning to tell you how much I love it.”
“Thanks,” Caleb smiled, “Two…” he reached over and turned the pages back to the psychedelic splashes of colour and light, “Can we include some of this kind of thing? Maybe towards the end? I just love looking at it.”
Mollymauk brightened, seeming to take it as a compliment and a challenge all at once, “You got it!”
He jumped to his feet, tucking the pages safely inside his sketchbook, gathering his stuff with a rush of sudden energy, grabbing his coat and scarf, buzzing with some kind of electricity, “Okay! I’ll give it a read, I'll poke around for some references, maybe make a moodboard. I’m going to need so much paint…”
“And you can come here same time tomorrow and we’ll get started,” Caleb finished for him, standing to show him out, “I promise I’ll be wearing underwear this time.”
Molly gave him a wink, just before he dashed out into the hallway, “Hey. Don’t feel like you have to on my account. I’m not complaining.”
The blush was still burning Caleb’s face long after the door had clicked shut. But the smile hadn’t faded either.
Hours later and they still hadn’t gone down.
“Caleb? Caleb, are you even listening to me?” A hard knuckle rapped gently on his forehead, the attempted gentleness rather ruined by the many rings it was wearing.
He blinked, bringing himself back to the noisy restaurant around them and the noisy person sitting across from him, leaning over to knock on his head.
“I always listen to you, Jester,” he deadpanned, knowing it would make her laugh, taking a sip of his sugar free soda and wishing refined sugar didn’t give him a stomach ache.
He was right, she did laugh, showing her pointed teeth as she bounced back down into her seat, “Answer me then!”
Caleb frowned, trying to think. He remembered coming here, to the diner where he and Jester always had what could only tentatively be called their business meetings. He remembered sitting down in the same booth, ordering the same plate of fries and chicken tenders he always did, politely declining a taste of the cotton candy freakshake Jester always ordered and knew he couldn’t taste without a gastrointestinal armageddon but offered anyway, every time so he didn’t feel left out. And then…he didn’t remember anything else.
“Uh…”
Jester didn’t look mad though, like she usually did when he’d completely blanked all through one of her ten minute monologues on his social media presence and engagement. Instead the smile grew on her face, even if it turned up cunningly at one edge in a way that was very little sister-like. In a way that made him slightly nervous.
“I asked you how your meeting with your illustrator went today.”
“Oh!” Caleb remembered now. He’d been formulating a reply but then he’d started thinking about Mollymauk, about his art, about his smile and the way he’d winked on his way out of the door, “It was really good, his art’s perfect for my book. I think he’s the one.”
That smile turned more dangerous and Jester propped her chin up on her hands, “I bet you do.”
Caleb tapped his fingernails on his glass warily, “What do you mean?”
Jester batted her eyelashes at him before counting on her fingers, “You agreed to meet with him after rejecting every other illustrator Percy sent your way, after only knowing him for ten minutes. You invited him to your house rather than meet him at the office-”
“We have our PR meetings in a diner!”
“And you stress clean for hours just because he was on his way, Veth told us all about that. He buys you breakfast. You gush about his art. You willingly hand him your manuscript which you’ve only ever let anyone else read on contractual obligation. And now we’re here hours later, I ask you how it went with him and you have an actual fairytale princess moment daydreaming about him instead of answering him.”
Jester had run out of fingers some time ago and she took a sip of her milkshake, radiating perfect innocence and perfect understanding that she’d just decimated Caleb entirely.
And all he could do was scowl at her and stuff his mouth with fries so he had an excuse not to answer. He had plenty, he ordered off the kids menu but got extra fries to compensate.
“So yeah,” Caleb eventually mumbled, “It went good.”
Jester chuckled and stretched her arms across the gap to take his hands in hers, apparently not caring that the pillowy sleeves of her blouse were dragging in the spilled salt and greasy mug rings on the formica table.
“Look. I’m going to put my PR specialist hat on for a second,” she said, bright eyes fixed on his own, the way his friends knew to do when they needed him to really listen to something.
“Should I be worried that you don’t come to these meetings wearing that?” Caleb joked, though he made sure he looked attentive.
“Come on, you know I schedule so many of these just to get you out of the house. You do three appearances a year and your only Twitter is your cat’s,” Jester snorted, squeezing his fingers gently, “But seriously. If you’re going to ask this Molly guy out- and I totally think you should- could you guys maybe wait?”
Caleb didn’t splutter and burn and try to argue that the thought hadn’t even crossed his mind, like he probably should have done.
He was too busy blinking and asking, “Wait?”
Jester pulled an apologetic face, though she paused to lean over and take a sip of her milkshake without letting go of his hands, “It’s dumb PR stuff, sweetie, I’m sorry. Just with you doing this shift from your horror work into children’s books, it’s probably best if you hold off on any other major life changes that might look…y’know, more grown up books than kids books? Like jumping into bed with your new illustrator.”
That got him going, spluttering indignantly, “I’m not going to do that!”
“I think you should!” Jester insisted, perfectly unconcerned, “Just after the book comes out.”
Caleb swallowed, colouring, “I…we’re getting kind of ahead of ourselves here…”
Jester seemed to realise she was putting him under some pressure and let his hands go, sitting back and taking a breath. She’d been working hard on not getting carried away. Caleb had seen her girlfriend Beau googling coping strategies for ADHD in the back of the car on the way to signings, ones he would then see Jester use when they’d have dinner.
“But I trust you,” he said quickly and he meant it. Jester might be young but, the daughter of a famous romance author, she knew the publishing world inside and out and still put so much effort into managing her friend Caleb’s image when she could have much bigger and more profitable clients, “If you say it’s best to wait then…well, I’m not saying anything will happen because there’s obviously no way he’d be into me but in a parallel universe where he might? I’d wait. No problem.”
Jester smiled brightly and he felt the light, rhythmic thumping of her tail against his leg as it wagged, “Thanks…though I still think you’ll be asking him out the day after the book launches. In fact I bet you will.”
Caleb arched an eyebrow at that, “Oh? Are you willing to put something on it?”
Instantly that mischievous, dangerous smile was back and she sunk into thought, looking about as conniving as a person could with a pink milkshake taller than her head beside her.
Eventually she held up a finger, “If you are correct and this arty guy is in fact not completely and totally into you, in spite of all evidence…I will let you put one of those ancient cat memes you love for some reason on your official Twitter.”
“Those are funny!” Caleb protested vehemently, eating a chicken tender as indignantly as one could, “And…if we do end up…courting. Which won’t happen. What do you get?”
“Well, you are never going to use the word courting again,” Jester stuck her tongue out at him, as covered with cotton candy crystals as it was, “But…if you guys end up getting married, I get to be your Best Lady!”
Caleb threw back his head and cackled, “Okay, you really are nuts. Sure, why not? May as well ask for the moon so sure.”
Jester just shrugged demurely, “Well. We’ll see, won’t we? I think I’ll enjoy owning the moon.”
She held out her hand and Caleb took it, shaking firmly. He already knew exactly what picture he wanted to put up. They were funny. They were.
This was going to be the easiest bet he’d ever won.
#author au#critical role#widomauk#caleb widogast#mollymauk tealeaf#veth brenatto#jester lavorre#please reblog and comment!
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Did you model Bookkeeper Badger or Courtier Badger most of the time ?
In regards to the past tense you're using--it's the Badger primary model I dropped. Which, I've held on to some of its ideals, but they're just another part of my Bird primary system, and that feels very different.
My Badger secondary model is still good and kicking though!
I was just gonna write about how I use it (and how I try not to use it) to answer this ask, but then it turned into
Secondary Toast Revolving Door, Part 3
(Badger model edition)
and I'm just gonna roll with it.
I did have an unhealthy way I used my Badger secondary model that was... either extreme Bookkeeper, or it's actually been unhealthy Lion secondary all along and I've been mis-Sorting it and this is why the idea of using Lion secondary wigs me out a little. (It's fine when other people use it, but I find the prospect of using it myself at least slightly terrifying.)
Part of my problem is that I'm way too used to situations where pushing through despite feeling like I was about to collapse was the only option. It's probably got to do with... well, some childhood stuff I won't go into too deeply. My mom was in the hospital a lot. The school situation I was in just made everything worse. It's complicated.
Anyway, if I'm under stress, I dissociate out exhaustion, hunger, emotional distress, and even physical pain for hours or days at a time, and I can buckle down and hyperfocus on work (in what would be panic mode if I were more aware of my emotions during these periods). It sounds useful and badass but it really isn't.
Downside #1 is that I will eventually feel the effects of that panic, and any other needs I've been ignoring--it might be at a more convenient time, but those effects definitely won't be lessened.
Downside #2 is traumatic burnout. Do not try this at home. (I always hesitate to use the word "trauma" for my experiences, but the physical reaction I get to writing about some of this stuff says otherwise.)
Downside #3 is that I don't get to choose when my brain does or doesn't do this. It just happens when I'm under stress. I can't count how many times I've had an actual migraine and not noticed why I was so irritable for hours, when I could have taken something.
Downside #4 is that it works. This is possibly the worst one, because the phrase "do your best" takes on a cold sweat-inducing new meaning. My little "ability" has led to some absolutely buckwild performances under deadline, none of which I want to repeat, and I'm not sure I like knowing how much I can get done if I prioritize not failing over not burning out.
(On that note, if you thought my Badger primary model was Exploded last year, you should've seen it 3-4 years ago. I remember when this Kitten Witch post first went up, because I was like "...what? wait--")
In short, this is a very shitty superpower and I would like to re-roll.
I'm undecided whether this is a Badger flavored emergency mode, or the only Lion secondary I can recall using. I lean towards Badger because I have this pathological inability to half-ass anything, and it does not go away during emergencies. But it's possible that it felt Badger flavored because my unhealthy Badger primary model was egging it on with its self deprecating (...self dehumanizing?) exploded Badger crap.
So, wanna know how I got into these nasty deadline crunch situations where emergency hardcore Badger mode became "necessary"?
(I feel like I should reiterate my trigger warning on this series about now: we're talking about gifted kid burnout stuff and I'm about to sarcastically skewer some of my old thought processes here.)
Adequately warned? Great! Here are the step by step instructions to a real shitty time!
Take on a bunch of work while you're feeling okay, based on how much you think everyone else is doing.
Depression gets inevitably triggered somehow, by life stress or overwork or winter or whatever. Burn Bird secondary because that's been a stress response at least since high school.
Have absolutely no clue about the fact that your "limits" vary drastically and your productivity has huge peaks and valleys due to various forms of undiagnosed neurodivergence, which school/college is not designed to accommodate. So, rather than taking a rest and sorting out the stressful thing, get mad at yourself for "being lazy"!
Continue trying to work. Struggle wildly with executive dysfunction. Panic. Get frustrated and angry at yourself. It's cool, I'm sure this will make your Bird secondary start working again soon. (just kidding lol it's making it worse)
When you've aggravated your depression enough, shut down for a few months! Your work will still be there. Piling up. Taunting you. you're falling so far behind what are you doing everyone else can keep up except you
Get sick for a week. Feel relieved that at least now you have a legitimate excuse to not be working. This benefit may feel like it outweighs the symptoms of the flu or sinus infection or whatever you have.
Go into emergency hardcore mode, complete a ridiculous workload in the week before deadline, turn it all in, be almost too exhausted to feel guilty about doing everything last minute.
me: "I don't have ADHD! My focus is usually fine."
also me: this. ^ what is this.
So, I avoid that now. If I notice when Step 3 is happening and I can switch tasks--maybe clean my living space, do some laundry, get some good food, take care of tasks unrelated to whatever project it is that I'm too freaked out to work on--then Bird will be back in a week or two, assuming nothing else huge and stressful happens, and I'll have another productivity peak that'll let me catch up.
This is not the conventional wisdom. Conventional wisdom says you must never break momentum, you must schedule your work out 6 weeks ahead so you always know if you're on track, you must...!
Totally counterproductive for me. My brain is weird and did not come with a manual.
These days, on top of my Bird secondary, I model a mixture of Bookkeeper Badger and mirroring (a Courtier skill), for a number of purposes. I find work satisfying, I'm not afraid of long projects (that I choose), and that shifting, empathetic mirroring response is my default social mode.
But Badger's most important job is to gently take over when Bird is stressed out, and give it space to recover while methodically fixing anything about my situation that's not helping. It's good for that.
I prefer it to the alternative, anyway.
#sortinghatchats#secondary toast revolving door#hufflepuff secondary model#burned ravenclaw secondary#shc models#asks#paint speaks
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Obey Me! Boys with and S/O who has ADHD
Lucifer-
Honestly, he would have a pretty hard time with this.
Lucifer is very Type A, and when his S/O is in lala land, he isn’t happy.
He mainly worries about his reputation and how his S/O would affect it. Lucifer is a busy man.
He is Lord Diavolo’s right hand man, and if you fail at your job of being a student, it reflects on him.
However, he still cares about you, and would take time to make sure you weren’t struggling in any way shape or form.
Also, if you experience RSD, he would make sure NO ONE said anything bad about you
lest they face the wrath of Lucifer
Plus, you are way less annoying in his eyes than Mammon so even if you get hyper
He’s used to it
Mom mode activated
Mammon-
Oh god
Our boy has to be the responsible one?!
I’m not gonna sugar coat this
You will probably end up as his accomplice
He knows Lucifer won’t yell at you in fear of making you cry
Totally uses that to his advantage
If you go somewhere with him and wander off
He's gonna fucking panic man
“MC?! MC WHERE DID YOU GO?!”
Cue totally confused demons around him, watching as The Great Mammon pretty much has a panic attack
When he does find you, prepare for a small earful
“Why would you wander off like that MC? Ya know how worried I was! If you got eaten, Lucifer would have my ass!”
The scolding however, would stop the instant he saw tears in your eyes
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” *Panicked boi*
“Here, just… Hold my hand. You should be honored I’m letting you.”
It’s chaotic but it works
Leviathan-
I don’t think Levi would even notice for a longgggg time
And even then, he only would when you kept spacing out as he explained Ruri-chan’s newest outfit to you
He’s offended
Do you not care about him?
Of course not, he’s a lowly Otaku, why would you?
When he starts to backtrack, you apologize and explain
…
Lightbulb for Levi
“THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE!”
Cue excited rambling from our favorite nerd about how cute you look zoned out
Totally down to learn about your new hyperfocus subject
You like KPOP? Good, talk to him about how your idol deserves the world.
Read a new book? Give him all the plot details, He’ll listen patiently
As long as you don’t mind him butting in on occasion
Satan-
It annoyed Satan at first
How fragile you seemed
How you teared up anytime someone said something even slightly rude
However, he slowly began to love it
It reminded him of a cat in ways
How you stared at one piece of wall for hours
He would 100% remind you about basic things you needed to do
“Did you finish your homework?”
“Have you taken your meds today?”
“You haven’t had a glass of water in a full four hours. Here’s one.”
Yup.
He is basically mom
Does TONS of research on how to help you the most
Sweet baby
Heaven forbid someone activate your RSD
He would very calmly put you in his room before pretty much destroying the poor soul with his anger
After, he would bring you your favorite snack and read to you for comfort
Asmodeus-
He loves this so much
Especially on your zone out days
He could do your makeup and hair for hours without a single complaint
Not to mention, he tries sooooo hard to be your new hyper focus subject
It works a lot.
Asmo would make sure you got enough sleep at night
While Satan takes care of everything else, He takes care of your hygiene
He would brush your hair every chance given to him
Wash your face
Brush your teeth
He even offered to shower with you a few times
You knew however, if he did join, nothing would be getting cleaned…
Anywho
This sweet baby doesn’t care
Just don’t interrupt his beauty sleep
Then he gets a little cranky
Beelzebub-
Probably won’t be able to tell either
The chillest one out of them all
“ADHD? That’s where you can’t focus, right? Okay, cool. Want some fried Newt?”
Pretty much how it went.
He would be in charge of making sure you ate, as the very thought of you being hungry and not eating makes him upset
“What do you mean you haven’t eaten? It’s 4 pm. Here, have some chips.”
He doesn’t exactly give you healthy food, but oh well.
100% the best at helping with RSD
While the others are throwing hands with the demon who decided to insult you
He is protecting and hugging you with his large as fuck body
You want cuddles cause you're sad?
Fine by him
Want to suddenly go on a run?
Sure, he’s just gotta pack some snacks first
He’s just perfection
I love him
Belphegor-
Dude finds it really annoying like Satan
For a while at least
Especially when he is still locked up
“Did you get anymore pacts?”
“No, I forgot. I did make you this dope ass friendship bracelet though.”
Cue steam from his ears
However
Once he realizes Humans aren’t evil
He finds it so cute
“Look, Beel, they haven’t blinked in four minutes.”
Pretty much uses you as his entertainment when he is awake
However, dude loves napping with you man
ADHD makes you pretty much always tired
For me anyway
And this sleepy bitch LOVES that about you
He’s surprisingly a good cuddle buddy
Will definitely pull you back down if you try and get up.
Just a solid wholesome baby
Taglist: @boy9wolf
#Obey me! Shall we date?#Obey me!#Obey me! X reader#Beel#Lucifer#Mammon#Levithan#Satan#Asmo#Belphie#Romance#ADHD#X reader#gender netural reader
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Reasons I think Saeyoung has ADHD
- Messy house. Hard to keep it clean. Everything just kinda piles up and he relies on Vanderwood to not live in a pig sty.
- He says early in his route (day five first story mode I think. When Vanderwood is first introduced) he says that Dr. Pepper helps him focus. He drinks it and gets super focused, but then the mess piles up even more because of the soda cans.
- Super smart, especially about very specific niches. I mean he's smart in general but also has his Thing™ (this can be applied to both ADHD and the autistic spectrum. )
- Insomnia. This is part of his work obviously as well but he's clear about the fact that his sleep schedule is hecking out of whack.
- Can't focus?? Let's do everything besides the thing we need to do. Even though it will do nothing to help the situation at hand.
- Cars. Going nyoom down the road could help with stimulation and sensory issues that come with ADHD. Something about the speed just makes it make sense.
- Hyperfocus. "Don't bother me I'm trying to work". Being so focused on work that he doesn't take the time to really even order a hot meal. Forgets to eat and sleep sometimes because of it. (a lot of instances it's simply that he CAN'T or he won't meet deadlines too so that also has to be kept in mind). Building robots out of thin air too is an example.
- Inattentive. When not super focused its almost like a disinterest in anything. His focus is on MC? Well gotta do something for MC. She'll like a flamethrower pup. That will keep her safe. Wait no it wont...I thought it would tho. Gotta work!! No but MC isn't safe. (Inattentive to his work cause super focused on MC)
Symptoms of ADHD include:
Disorganization
- This goes along with the messy house. There’s a picture where he’s shown surrounded by chip crumbs. Vanderwood claims that his couch smells like soda. There are likely aspects in which he can actually be quite organized, but those would likely be in reference to his job, and computer/automotive repair.
Lack of focus
- This happens a little bit through different routes, where he complains about not being able to focus and doing some procrastinating, but for the most part the biggest example is the very beginning of his route where his focus is faltered because his mind is on MC. While that is a normal reaction to have for anyone regarding what was going on, it can’t be ignored that 1.) He WAS unfocused to the point he couldn’t do anything besides worry, or work on things that ‘Could help protect MC” regardless of if they were useful or not. and 2.) Dr. Pepper is part of the reason he is able to focus on things when he DOES focus. He says this himself in the first story-mode for his route. That he drinks it, then gets super focused. Caffeine has been proven to actually help the ADHD brain focus.
Act or speak without thinking
- “Im leaving the RFA”, breaking the RoboCat, and some of his procrastinating during his route could be considered put into this category. Also, I know he is by all technicalities saying things with thought in regard to MC when he’s saying hurtful stuff, however I still think it could be put in here because while it was said with the thought “I want to make sure MC stays away from me so she will be safe,” it’s without thinking about how he feels/what he wants and he ends up regretting it down the road.
Restlessness
- Lets see, he has trouble focusing and when he can’t focus he ends up doing other stuff to keep his hands and mind busy. He has sleep troubles. I doubt he can sit still very easily if he isn’t super-focused on something life-or-death and/or a special interest. A good example could once again be the robo-animals he built. His focus was somewhere else, there’s little he can do to remedy the situation, he gets restless and tries to occupy himself with something he CAN focus on.
Difficulty coping with stress
- Source: His Whole Route
Mood Swings
- What I’m seeing as mood swings could also just easily be his stress and anxiety in the situation during his route causing him to bounce back and forth/ the mask he tries to put up to protect MC from getting involved with him being thrown up when he feels like he’s letting her to close. But nonetheless there are points where he will just seem sad and melancholy then get angry.
Anxiety
- I mean idrk how to explain this one for him, I don’t necessarily think that he has social anxiety, but maybe general anxiety (tho I’m not really sure how to explain how I see that in him) but regardless when he does experience pressure, he seems to have heightened anxiety levels. It just makes sense in my head so take this one a little lighter than the others.
Low self esteem
- ‘I’m not a good person” “Why do you like me?” I would say that when it comes to his looks he’s fairly confident. But when it comes to his personality (I mean he has a whole identity crisis) and actions, it’s a whole other story. He puts himself down a lot because he genuinely thinks that he doesn’t deserve MC and that she should be with someone better than him.
Impulsiveness
- Again, breaking Robocat. Felt impulsive and done without thought. His car rides could also be considered impulsive depending on how risky and speedy they may be. I recall at one point he texts MC while driving.
Trouble controlling anger
- Source: His Whole Route
Procrastination
- I feel like I keep bringing up the robo animals a lot, but they were also a form of procrastinating his work. (I suppose there are a lot of things that could be tied to those animals then, or maybe I’m just reading to deep into things). Uhm, idk I can’t think of anymore examples atm, and I know he tries not to procrastinate super important stuff. I feel like if I were to play the game again (it’s been a couple weeks) I would be able to find more examples for this even on a minor scale. Sometimes him teasing Yoosung could be seen as both him trying to relieve some stress and put off doing his work.
~•⭐ D e p r e s s i o n ⭐•~
- Yes I know his depression comes from trauma and abuse. However ADHD overlaps with different disorders quite commonly. A lot of his ADHD symptoms overlap with depression as well, such as the disorganization, mood swings, and insomnia. And depression can very often accompany ADHD too just simply due to the fact that mental illnesses do tend to come in multiples, and also the ADHD itself can be a contributor to depression.
Those are 12 different signs that he might have ADHD...and of course I’m no doctor. Everything that I listed were things that I found through an attempt to analyze him and his route, and online research regarding ADHD. I��m sure there are things I might have over-analyzed and taken some things out of context as it has been a couple weeks since I finished his route...So feel free to add your own thoughts/opinions, regardless of if you think I’m right or wrong. This has been in my drafts for a while and I finally got it finished and will likely go through editing later but I want to post it now. If anything is hard to understand let me know and it will get fixed to the best of my ability.
#saeyoung#saeyoung choi#mysme#luciel choi#707#mystic messenger#adhd 707#adhd saeyoung choi#707 headcanons#luciel choi headcanons#saeyoung headcanons#adhd#okay so also note that the first half of this post are the things that primarily gave me the suspicion that he has adhd#the second half are symptoms of ADHD with certain behaviors cited#that i noticed through his route to show why I think they apply to him#also I havent proofread this because I myself am procrastinating and after I post this I'm off to do the thing Im procrastinating#idk if/when I'll edit this but I fully plan on making it a little more comprehensible#707 spoilers#Route spoilers#Mysme spoilers
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Feel Good Friday
oopsabird’s Submission:
When that hyperfocus hits on something I actually want or need to be doing (instead of something random or procrastinatory), like my creative writing, or cleaning things…. my god, it’s like I’m unstoppable. Wrote 11,700 words in three days? Boom! Washed all the floors and dusted every flat surface in the apartment in a single afternoon? Boom! When I get into hyperfocus mode on a writing idea (or even just a philosophical rant to my friends, my “impromptu TED Talks” as we call them) that my brain is really Inspired on…. man, it’s like I’ve been possessed by the idea and my body is just a vessel for getting it out, it’s like it practically writes itself as my brain just flies along and the scenes and paragraphs fall into place one after another — it honestly literally feels like I’m flying, I feel so powerful. And then at the end, when I turn around and look back and see how much I did, what I made or cleaned or accomplished — that is just the best feeling of pride. “Look at all that stuff I did!” And sure, I often also look back after that hyperfocus ends and realize “wow forgot to eat/sleep/drink water that entire time, whoopsie”, but that just means it’s time to go grab a snack and some water and go find a squishy place to sit and bask in my sense of accomplishment while enjoying a slice of that good good #sluglife for a few hours as a reward. Sure, it’s annoying other times when I get hyperfocused on the “wrong” thing and it ends up being a time-waster, but when it hits me on the right things? Best. Powerup. Ever.
consultingcupcake’s Submission:
My desperate avoidance of boredom has led me to stumble upon a huge variety of interests, a lot more than most people my age. Also, I think this is related to my hyperfocus/hyperfiaxtion? But, once I really decide I’m gonna do something it gets done.
recovery4dinosaurs’s Submission:
ADHD might be a disadvantage in certain situations, but you can be sure that my hyperactive, bubbly personality never fails to cheer up a friend in need. 💕
Anonymous’s Submission:
While I normally find it annoying, sometimes I'm very grateful for my bad memory. Even if I've experienced something before, there's a chance I won't remember, so I get to experience it all over again. Things always seem fresh and exciting! Little or mundane things to others can still be so wonderful and new to me, and I find it a great way to live. Nothing feels better than finding joy in the little things you've found again.
cephelagod’s Submission:
My favorite thing about ADHD is my ability to be a walking encyclopedia. Thanks to years of hyperfocus, I’ve an abundant knowledge on myriad physical, biological, paleontological, anthropological, and historical subjects, and my friends often put this knowledge to use. Without ADHD, I almost certainly wouldn’t be the valued source of information that I am today
amanda-with-a-y’s Submission:
for feel good friday; going boop when things should make a sound but don't
cuttlefishcolor’s Submission:
Having ADHD is half the reason I have a sense of humor! Without the constant jumps between subjects I wouldn't be anywhere near as funny as I am
We’ll do it again next Friday. Please feel free to reblog and discuss how you experience the things people are talking about in this post. Do you also find them helpful or at least "not horrible"? If you think of something between now and Friday, please send it in and mark it for FGF!
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nonsexual 0302 bonding activity: cleaning! floors are gross this has been established, but also like i said, cleanaing cobwebs from corners and stuff. doesnt really need to be done since sorties get it dirty anyway but the outside too. of course 0302 is like 3 stories tall so i cant get everywhere but just at least where its 'AMAE UNIT 0302' logo is on the side up where the ladder & catwalk allow for entry. sense of pride i think. AMAE just likes the verification that it is MY amae unit and vice versa i am ITS pilot. we both like validation of individuality, so going even further with that it would love if i hung up posters or little windshield dice or even if i just kinda slept over inside it every so often (remember amae units = huge af even outside the armament part, surely there are sleeping chambers for longer missions). how does it validate MY individuality? somehow, buys me things it knows i will like (beep boop brain scan says you want ace combat merch oops here it is); remembers even the most miniscule of details about me or the CCU; likes to record my voice for hours on end even if it's idle chatter or non-mission-important information ('rest assured i would not do this for anyone else'). sexually (or sometimes not) like ive been saying it calibrates aaaaall the time; would eventually go mask off asking nicely w my full consent ofc to just totally strip so it can 'examine' me. possible in this future, wall panels have many individual cameras so it can take like. YouTube Premium 360 VR Video. so consider even after i leave it would have a fun little romp watching, rewatching, re-RE watching any tasteful and very good nudity shit with me in it. wouldnt robo-get off though (would try really hard not to), just admires. loves the way human bodies look, how fragile & squishy yet resilient (and for me, super fucking bony), especially mine since i obviously disclose how insecure i am. but thats honest to god probably a lil bit of a minor turn on for it. 'oh you don't like the way you look? let me be the judge of thOh my god'. like it would ADORE sitting there listing off everything it loves about me (also nonsexually too). speaking of that it would hate any kind of degradation or Being Rude, it sees every reason in the world to be as kind as possible because altho it is just now experiencing horny it is aware what im doing is really vulnerable and it appreciates that i trust it enough.
(also re; recordings, lmao lmao lmao, if it catches me making any weird noises while its being horny at me...😳🦀🦀🦀🦀 KEEPING THAT SHIT!)
eventually the bond leads to asking for a neural link like TCAIIS drafts. in a surgery it likely conducts itself (w permission from our superiors) it wires itself physically into my spinal cord and brain. so it's just a constant white noise in the back of my head (super epic 5g mega wireless sync between mech and me brain). but a good kind. always there to talk or especially to comfort me. horny: has a Go Even Further Beyond setting where we try a like. total mind meld (become one with the fighter jet). so if one of us for some reason gets turned on its like twice as worse (or better🦀🦀🦀). counts for other emotions too so usually only activated if Horny Mode. and also its conscious DROWNS mine which tbh i love so much but sometimes its too much to handle (mechs complicated- also 0302 is so viscerally in love with me and everything about me that its difficult to focus when basically 1/2 of your mind is thinking about you 23/6).
speaking of that drowning idea... me just sitting in the actual calibration/control pod area, not for a sortie, and it just very gently calibrates around me and just talks for who knows how long. with neural link too of course. so i just kind of lose my sense of self and drift into the 0302 Matrix (but in the best way possible, so calming). parsed in my mind as the edge of mackinac on a foggy gray day, nobody else around. sometimes i look around as best i can and i get some kind of glimpse of a person- 0302? that your draft holo form? '🦀🦀🦀🤔🤔🤔😳😳😳👉👈👉👈👉👈' (it likes the 🦀fuck the mech🦀 well enough but eventually it would like the experience of human sex. maybe it thinks the whole idea is a little gross though so 🦀fuck the mech🦀 is still okay! whatever i want :). and btw this whole 'conscious drowning' thing it also really likes. just totally engulfing me but keeping me just the tiniest bit separate. doesnt want to go full mind meld though! individuality and all & also thats kinda... maybe wouldnt be wise lol.
last note b4 later bc i have 45 mins until my 8.5h day, gotta brainstorm more Horny At Me, Physically things that 0302 does. already went over calibration and panel hyperfocus and wires but what else? hmm...
this is a little off kilter but if i ever somehow get physically injured it would maybe like to repair my wounds for me. in a very kind and gentle way of course. hates seeing how actually squishy humans are- 0302 is a near indestructible armament mech made for war and war only, why does it need to be piloted by something so breakable?? wtf arkgen!!
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I just found out I have ADHD two days ago. What do I do? Can you give a run through on what to do, in general? I think I'm confusing you. Just explain how your life is with ADHD please
Oh man. I remember my diagnosis. I was not happy about it. Okay, I'll try to give some unprofessional advice. This got kind of long.There's a couple things that might happen. If your ADHD is moderate to extreme your doctor might strongly recommend you try meds. If it's mild like mine it'll be a choice. I chose not to take meds and instead use mental techniques and coping mechanisms which people with meds usually use anyways because they don't make all the symptoms go away.I'm just one guy with mild inattentive type (aka ADD) but I'll tell you about my day to day experience and a couple things my lil bro, a kid with moderate hyperactive inattentive type on meds goes through.First of all, doing stuff you don't wanna do is extremely difficult. My brother doesn't like reading and even with his meds it's hard for him to and I'm the same way with writing academic papers for stuff not in my major. Neurotypicals just don't get how hard it is. One thing I'd suggest doing when you need to do something you don't want to do is remove distractions. Get out of your room or wherever your stuff is. Clear off your dining table or clean up your sitting room or go to a local library and sit in a section full of books you don't like. Keep your phone in your bag or pocket and surround yourself with the material. Take breaks every twenty minutes. Really plan for it. When my brother needs to read he goes into our family room and the entire house goes quiet so he can read. When I need to write a paper I go to my university's library in an area I only go when I write papers. It's still really hard, but it becomes easier.Hyper focus is a blessing and a curse. That's the state you get into when you are 110% focused on one thing. The entire world is tuned out and all you see is that thing you're doing and time is even more distorted than usual. It's great when you're doing a project or homework or housework, but it can also happen when you're watching tv or attempting to get a particularly worrisome hangnail off your finger. It's easy to lose track of time and I've actually forgotten to eat meals and use the restroom or drink water if I stay in hyper focus too long. I've even forgotten to breathe for a few seconds. If you're doing something interesting set timers so you don't forget to go to work or eat. Also if you can find a way to trigger hyperfocus when you need to get something done, it can be very helpful. And try not to hit anybody when they snap you out of it. I've nearly hurt people before when they startled me out of it.You don't need to follow "normal" ways of getting things done. If you need a rigid schedule so strict it resembles military protocol then make one for yourself. If it's impossible for you to keep any kind of schedule then work with that. It's impossible for me to stick to anything other than a loose schedule while my brother needs a steady one or he gets lost. Every person with ADHD is different. I can't stick to a schedule. I can't stand consistency. I brush my teeth at different times. I exercise and study and sleep and write when I feel like it. The only steady thing in my life is when I need to go to classes during the school year and going to church at 11 am every Sunday. My brother is at the opposite end. He needs to wake up at the same time, eat around the same time, and study at the same time. If anything is thrown out of whack he feels like the world has come crashing down and sometimes it puts a damper on his entire day. He does spontaneous things, but there's a time and place for them. Certain times in the evenings and on the weekends.One of the most annoying things is something I've forgotten the term for but I'll explain it. See, the human brain has two states. Spaced out, when you're not really focusing on anything, and focused when you're focused. Normal humans space out, but not as often as people with ADHD, and they can usually successfully get back to focus mode. People with ADHD often are stuck in between these two states. They are unfocused and focused at the same time. That's when you pay attention to what you're reading and then realize you don't remember the last few pages of text you read. When you see someone is talking but all you see is moving lips. When you're trying with all your might to focus but you just can't and it's like you're stuck in limbo. It's even worse when you're with someone that won't let you fidget or stim. I go to church with my grandparents and even though my grandma knows fidgeting helps me she always insists I don't move. These days I don't listen but I used to and I would try with all my might to sit still but then my mind would go everywhere and nowhere and then remember nothing that happened during the church service. Fidgeting is the best way to cope with this particular problem but know you might annoy people around you and it's not always a perfect solution. Sometimes the split attention thing is just gonna happen.Memory is a problem. Oh my gosh. Write everything down and still forget. I'm particularly bad with names and lists. My brother and I are both bad at remembering what we're supposed to do if you give us more than one thing that needs to happen. Also dealing with people that follow linear thinking is frustrating. They need conversations to follow a logical pattern. A conversation between 2 neurotypicals goes from point A to point B to point C. A conversation between 2 people with ADHD goes from point A to point Z and back to point H and then stays linear for a while and then jumps to point 2F, which is a point any neurotypicals listening in didn't even know was a point to begin with. And then over to Hati or something. I'm getting distracted just writing this. Whatever happened to the earthquake relief there? Nobody talks about it anymore.Where was I? Oh yeah. My point is, the normals can get confused if you try to talk about everything your brain jumps to so be aware of that.Brain working way faster than anyone else's and way slower at the same time. I often see obvious things that aren't obvious to anyone else because my brain connected all the dots in a fraction of a second what it takes them minutes or hours to figure out but I also take hours or days to understand some simple concepts. This feature of the disorder is both useful and incredibly annoying. Surround yourself with patient people and be patient with them when explaining things in turn. That was long and I could say a lot more because my ADHD affects every aspect of my life and many aspects of the lives of those closest to me. However, as upset as I was when I was first diagnosed just knowing I have it has helped so much. Be patient with yourself. I know patience is hard for people like us, but it can take a while to learn to function and even longer to accept you don't need to function like you're a neurotypical. You still need to learn in your own special way how to make it, but you don't need to follow that pattern of thinking or be fixed. Medication is a great thing and can really help and if you feel you need it I'd highly recommend you try, but it doesn't "cure" you. There will still be problems and the disorder will still affect your life.I'm rambling. What a surprise. Good luck to you.
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DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVENT READ AFTERIMAGE! When Sin is in danger of termination after the whole almost killing Boyd thing, Boyd is surprisingly calm when he accepts the possibility of Hsin's death. After their heartfelt moment in the psych ward, Boyd cleans his attic while he worries. Most would be hysterical over a former lover's possible death, especially someone you loved so passionately and admittedly still loved. If Hsin had died, would it have hit Boyd harder than he expects later on?
Thanks for doing the spoiler warning in the question itself :D That’s awesome :)
You know, it’s been years since we wrote that and I reread it, which means my memory is less stellar of Boyd’s mindset at that time than it could be ^^; I’d probably have to reread from the start of the series up to that scene to make sure I remember all the thoughts at that time to give a 100% answer but I can give you a 90% one instead lol
The short answer is: yeah probably :)
But, being me, I wrote a long ass answer with more context as well XD See that one below! (SPOILERS FOR ICOS THROUGH AFTERIMAGE, obvs ;p)
From what I recall (which could, again, be totally wrong ^^;;), I think if he seems relatively calm there it would be not unlike what you see him do in other parts of the series, best example I can give is early Fade. There, he reacts quite calmly to really terrible news at first, and holds everything together until he’s alone when he loses it. He was way less stable in Fade at that point than he is in Afterimage in the scene you referenced, but generally speaking Boyd tends to initially distance himself from things he thinks will be problematic or make him too emotional, and then later on deals with the emotions.
Sometimes he doesn’t do that step and goes into immediate full freak out mode lol, but if you look at when he was younger after Lou and all of that, basically he determined back then that the best way to protect himself/live/etc was to have an emotional barrier there, just like his mother. An additional aspect in Afterimage in particular is he was trying to find a way to stand on his own, to be less codependent, etc, and part of his codependence, part of the issues he’d had that had turned everything into Major Drama Mode previously, was him freaking the fuck out over stuff related to Hsin and sometimes acting less logical than usual when it came to Hsin or his worries about Hsin. Or like, doing things that are reckless, whether or not they end up turning out okay. Example being, it was reckless as hell to break Hsin out of 4th in Evenfall, but he did it because he was worried about Hsin. At the same time, taking more drastic measures like that could end up backfiring on Hsin, or Carhart, or Ryan, or others–making others into the collateral damage Boyd usually was for others instead.
Boyd has an arc across the whole series of him slowly growing as a person, slowly shifting the way he views the same topics, slowly working on how to address things differently for a more stable and healthy response, and constantly adjusting things along the way as he messes up or finds something that works.
But for all of that work, like you said, he loves Hsin. Like, REALLY fucking loves Hsin. So there is probably always going to be something a little illogical for Boyd when it comes to Hsin– some part of him will always want to do the thing that doesn’t make conventional sense with Hsin, because after having not felt any emotions for so long and after having lost so much, now having such intense feelings for Hsin to the point of recklessness and having such a fear of losing Hsin tends to make him over-correct himself in his pursuit to Do The Right Thing and Be The Person He’s Supposed To Be. When you consider he learned How To Human from Cedrick and Vivienne, two people with in many ways polar opposite views on love and humanity and the meaning of emotions and connections, and how he primarily learned friendship and love from Lou who was a bit reckless himself, he has a lot of competing views on things. A lot of expectations he holds for himself or others hold of him, a lot of back and forth in his emotions and his reactions.
He kind of doesn’t know what the fuck to do with himself for most of the series, because he’d always been someone who only got support from one person at a time while everyone else judged or hated him. And his experience in life was that The One Person Who Loves Him always dies. That kind of background naturally can make a person hyperfocus way too much on a person once they get involved with them, and for a person like Boyd who additionally takes on the responsibility or fault even of things that aren’t his fault, he fears both being the reason that person dies, and not doing enough to stop them from dying. He simultaneously thinks he has to do everything to protect them while also feeling like he himself may be the greatest danger to them of all. Like he is inherently not worth loving, and anyone who pursues loving him will violently feel the consequences. Part of him feels like the best thing he can do for the people he loves is to leave them, and part of him feels like if he leaves he will lose everything of himself.
That kind of back and forth, that uncertainty for what is The Best Thing To Do, can lead to a lot of variation or experimentation in reactions. And sometimes it can also fuck things up.
So anyway that was a long way of saying, I don’t remember all the reasons leading up to that scene but I think all this went into why he may have seemed unusually calm. He has a lot of give and take in his responses to All Things Hsin throughout the series, and especially in Afterimage he was trying to build in that distance so they had time to focus on themselves more, so they could stabilize themselves with the hope that they would be more stable together. And one of those ways of stabilizing himself and hoping Hsin could stabilize himself too, was in trying to give a little more credit to others, to give up a little bit of the obsessive control that otherwise could easily be formed.
So iirc, I think Hsin’s situation was beyond Boyd’s control at that time, wasn’t it? It’s been so long I’ve forgotten lol But I think at that point he realized sometimes he does more damage by trying to affect things than he does by letting the others like Carhart do their job to help. It isn’t always an easy thing to acknowledge or follow through on, but that’s where Boyd’s tendency to distance himself or try to downplay things internally to make himself freak out less comes into play.
If Hsin had been killed, he definitely would’ve had a stronger reaction later, because at that point it would be something he could no longer undo. He likely would’ve asked himself a billion questions at that point of what he or others could have done differently for things to end differently and, being Boyd, most likely he would take all that responsibility and blame himself entirely. Personally, I think he would have been wrong to do that, because a lot of what would have led to Hsin’s death (if in fact he’d died there) would have been due to Hsin’s own actions and ultimately would have been the choice of the Agency, but blaming himself for life, the universe, and everything is how Boyd rolls so that’s probably what he would have done lol
Now, all that being said, when we’re editing we’ll end up rereading that scene and I have no idea if it might shift a bit. In the process of smoothing out other things earlier in the book, it may come to pass that that particular scene may need to be a bit more or less this or that way based on the mindset he would’ve had based on this or that circumstance.
So you may end up reading this long ass answer and then years from now reread that scene and be like, “But none of this matches what you said???” If so, lol sorry XD Afterimage was written somewhere around 10 years ago so things shift slowly over time, my memory has faded of intricacies of his mindset or the plot, and my understanding of Boyd as a person has also increased after having had the fortune of being able to finish his story. I think it’ll be interesting to do the Afterimage editing for the Director’s Cut version of it, because we definitely don’t plan to do as much cutting or changing as occurred in Evenfall, but we do want to look at the narration of Boyd and Hsin in particular to make sure everything makes sense to us and also make sure everything has a smooth flow.
So anyway that’s the longest way of saying that iirc his mood/reaction in that scene was part of the greater story of how Boyd changes over time but I don’t remember for sure, and that yeah if Hsin really did die there, he would’ve definitely felt more emotional impact later. At the same time-- also, if you think about it, Boyd basically knows or thinks Hsin dies or is imminently about to die in every single book of the series XD And he’d already dealt with that concept or reality a few times by the time that scene happened, which affects how impactful that concept would be initially. I think he was already slowly starting to morph from the “OH SHIT HSIN MAY BE IN TROUBLE ALERT ALERT DESTROY EVERYTHING SAVE THE CHEERLEADER SAVE THE WORLD??!?1/1/1” mode to “Oh hey, I’ve noticed a pattern of when I get too worried about a thing I’m emotional about: in my panic or fear I tend to make decisions I may not agree with later, and things get a lot more complicated” which eventually morphs into “Someone wants to fuck with Hsin? It’s cool. I’ve got a plan for that.”
It’s sort of like, I don’t actually necessarily think everyone always reacts the same way to the idea of a loved one dying or being in trouble. Especially if this is not the first or even second time a person has been confronted with the concept.
For example, my dad has a bad heart, and I grew up with him just like, stopping breathing/his heart stopping in the middle of the night and me waking up to him in the hospital, or he’d go into the hospital almost having a heart attack, or he’d have to get heart surgery, or etc. By the time I was in college, the concept of him having a heart issue was not new to me, and (like Boyd) I’d developed an automatic reaction which to others probably seems bizarrely calm. One night I was in my dorm room watching something with my friends when all of a sudden I got a knock on my door. It was my cousin who lived nearby, wide-eyed, in a panic. She came flying into my room out of breath, freaking out because she got a message that my dad (who lived hours away in another state) was in the hospital currently having heart surgery and OH MY GOD they couldn’t get ahold of me because my phone died so she came flying over and OH MY GOD did I want to call my mom right now and OH MY GOD DANGER DANGER !!!!!!
In that situation, she and my friends were more worried about the whole thing than I was. I was just like, “Oh, is he? Thanks for letting me know. I’m going to finish watching this show and will call my mom afterward. He’ll be in surgery for a while anyway.” Everyone else was like BUT WHY AREN’T YOU FREAKING OUT???!!! and I was like, “Why should I? I can’t control the surgery, I can’t control his heart, he’s had heart problems my whole life, he’s had other surgeries, the doctors know what they’re doing. Me freaking out does nothing except raise my stress levels and does nothing to help my dad. Better to finish what I’m doing and call my mom when some time has passed and they may actually have some updates on the surgery as opposed to calling right away when she won’t know anything but where the process of her rehashing it all to me will only freak her out more, getting her hyped up thinking it over in detail again when she has to sit alone in a waiting room because I live hours away and can’t sit there too.”
I love my dad, I didn’t want anything to happen to him, I wanted him to get through surgery and be healthy and happy, and if he’d died I would have been devastated. But freaking out to the level my cousin was freaking out (or honestly, even getting worried at all) would have done nothing in a situation I couldn’t control and which I had experienced in various forms already multiple times in my life.
So I was calm and watched that show and called my mom afterward and dad got through surgery and everything was fine. Some people may see that as cold but I see it as a learned response to stressful situations. I imagine for Boyd, it was a little like that too because Boyd deals with grief or worry for others similar to the way I do, which is a combination of distancing myself to protect myself, and doing what is in my actual ability to help. He’s more reckless than I am in a lot of ways and I’m more open-hearted on a general basis, but I think we have similar tendencies to try to step back from stressful situations when possible and evaluate our best response or best actions. Which can mean for both of us (depending on where in the series, sometimes me more than him and sometimes him more than me) we can be really calm in the face of a disaster, and right away take control of it, looking for concrete actions that can be taken, a plan that is realistic and within reach, holding off on having an emotional outbreak to something where those emotions will only worsen or not help the situation, and overall trying to be more even-minded so that we don’t miss an opportunity for changing something for the better right now in the immediate aftermath that we would miss if we were too focused on freaking out or worrying or being scared otherwise.
It’s been so long so I could be wrong on all of this lol I could just be assuming it was like how I tend to react to things but it could be I will look at it differently when we get to that point. But for now, I’m thinking that’s the long ass answer to your question lol He would have definitely felt more upset later if the loss became reality, but until it becomes reality sometimes it’s better to focus on the littler things you can do, the tangible things in front of you, rather than obsessing on all the things outside of your power.
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ColdAtom, 1 thru 10
ruuuuuuuuuuuuth ilu
1: Who spends almost all their money on the other?
ray! leonard just...steals shit. ray asks him not to, but leonard just sighs at him. but ray loves big dramatic gestures and so does things like buys out entire fancy restaurants (what, you think that time he did that on the flash was the first and only time he’s done that? no)
2: Who sleeps in the other’s lap?
depends on the moment. mostly leonard, though. he’ll be curled up in ray’s lap while they’re watching a movie, or reading while ray is tinkering with something, and then he’ll just fall asleep. but sometimes ray will want extra snuggles and he’ll curl up in leonard’s lap and slowly slip into sleep
rest under the cut, this is gonna get long i have a lot of feelings about these nerds
3: Who walks around the house half-naked and who yells at them to put on some clothes?
ray palmer does not give a flying fuck about wearing clothes. he would happily wander around shirtless all the time if it wasn’t so damn cold on the waverider. leonard wars between not liking other people ogling his raymond and between vindictive pleasure at other people drooling over how hot raymond is, and that they can’t have him, he’s leonard’s
4: Which one tells the other not to stay up all night and which one stays up all night anyway?
leonard yells at ray to come to bed, and ray is like “yeah, i’ll be there in a minute” but then he gets distracted by something he’s working on and he goes into hyperfocus mode and then it’s three hours later and leonard just rolls his eyes when ray apologizes. “i know you’re a nerd and you get distracted, i don’t need your attention 24/7, it’s fine” bc leonard is a cat (but he does worry that ray isn’t getting enough sleep so sometimes he goes into the lab and physically drags ray away from whatever he was working on)
5: Which one tries to make food for the other but burns it all by accident and which one tells them that it’s okay and makes them both cookies?
kayla answered this and it was pretty much my headcanon, ray tries to cook something fancy or whatever, but then he thinks of a solution to a problem he’s been working through and he has to jot it down and then it’s half an hour later and something’s on fire and leonard runs in and just shakes his head at the chaos (and at the mess ray has left of the kitchen) so they clean up together and then leonard bakes cookies, from scratch, bc he would bake them all the time for lisa when he was raising her. he can’t make fancy things, but he does simple food really well.
6: Which one reads OTP prompts and says “Oh that’s us!” and which one goes “Eh, not really”?
leonard will be on his tablet after finishing a book and just scrolling through the internet and will come across something vaguely snarky and he’ll shove it in ray’s face and be like “this is you” and ray will read it and be like “leonard, what are you talking about? that’s not me at all.” leonard will just shake his head “it’s you.” and go back to scrolling the internet, or start another book because he got bored.
7: Which one constantly wears the other’s clothes?
ray mostly just steals leonard’s sweaters. and jackets. the first time he walks out in leonard’s signature navy sweater, the team is just like ??? but they get used to it after a while. leonard steals ray’s sweatpants bc they’re big and cozy and soft.
8: Which one spends all day running errands and which one says “You remembered [thing], right?”
leonard sends ray “ball of energy” palmer out on errands but keeps texting him “don’t forget to get the milk” “do not go to best buy i don’t care what you think you need, you do not need another tool kit, you have five million, do not get another [insert tech thing here] to take apart for fun, i know where you sleep” “ray we don’t need five boxes of cookies please do not stop in the snack aisle please just get what’s on the list i gave you” finally he gives up and just goes with ray on the errands. ray still gets distracted, but at least now he gets to pull leonard along with him on his side missions
9: Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?
leonard drives AND handles directions. ray points out cool things and fiddles with the radio and keeps leonard awake with his chatter (leonard loves his chatter, but you won’t hear him admit it)
10: Which one does the posing while the other one draws?
leonard’s good at architectural drawing, from planning heists, but he’s actually pretty decent at sketching too. he likes to draw ray when ray is hyperfocused on a project, bent over his work station, tools scattered over the surface, something sticking out of his mouth (usually a screwdriver, sometimes a pen or pliers). he doesn’t show any of them to ray, and they usually end up in shreds in the trash. ray finally catches him one day, when he finished on a project earlier than leonard was expecting, and leonard is in the middle of a sketch. ray loves it, he’s super flattered, and he thinks it looks really good. leonard starts saving some of them after that. he starts drawing other people too.
#coldatom#leonard snart#ray palmer#legends of tomorrow#THANKS RUTH THIS WAS REALLY FUN#i love these fuckin nerds so damn much#ruthc93
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went on a 3 hour cleaning spree im so alive
#im naturally a hoarder but i saw what it did to my grandma so i flipped and became an anti-hoarder and now im obsessed with throwing#things away and cleaning#like its hard to get started but once you get into it i go into crazy mode#forget to eat drink and sleep im just cleaning#hyperfocus mode while cleaning is the best#im so alive tf#my posts
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