#hello I'm losing my shit
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I am an adult and that means I can cook an impromptu dinner at 1am on a Tuesday night if I want to
#him: I'm going to make a cheese sandwich#me: lol cool I'm making egg fried rice and chicken. enjoy your bread n cheese homie#listen. i had a craving and I'm tired of catering to what other people want#listen. it's 1:30am on a Tuesday night and I'm thinking about how she's never gonna say she's proud of me.#she's never gonna say i made the right choices. she's never gonna tell me I'm living the life she wanted for me#and even though we did talk out some of our issues. there's no covering the fact that i have always been a disappointment#and the thing is. that's all i will ever be to her. like i know the love was there. but overriding that was the reality that i could never#be what she wanted me to be.#her hands were so shrivelled in the end. looking at her was horrifying.#i survived the day but am i processing? i just want to be alone. and no one wants to leave me alone.#yes they're worried but this is why i stay in bed late and stay up late. it's the only time i have to be alone lately.#i don't want a return to normalcy. but i want to scream and cry and break down if I want to#and i simply cannot be vulnerable with people watching. i cannot melt down if there are witnesses.#and the thing is that i really do need to melt down#personal#hello I'm losing my shit
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revelations from the past few minutes in my game
halsin knows astarion is a vampire almost the moment he finally joins your party
girl WHAT
#HELLO?#literally do not even know what to make of this convo jkdfgjh#i shouldve expected that this dialogue would be different without a tav but I'm losing my shit#halsin#astarion#halstarion#i guess?#questlog
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no bc why is my love for bakugo slowly resurfacing...
#my bakugo phase is coming back oh no (it never left)#NO BC S7 VISUALS HELLO#also it's important to note that i havent touched the manga in 2 years#i was absolutely traumatized by that first war and when i found out there was gonna be another war right after that i noped out#me and one of my best friends have chosen our mental health over whatever tf bnha has going on rn#but seeing edits of the characters got me so emo aahfkskdk i miss when i was obsessed w them 😔#aahhhh he looked so good in the s7 trailer or wtvr that was i'm actually losing my shit#my hero academia#boku no hero academia#mha#bnha#bakugou katsuki#mha s7#bnha s7#season 7
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IVE ONLY SEEN ONE PERSON POINT THIS OUT BUT MK TRIES TO PUNCH MACAQUE DISGUISED AS WUKONG BEFORE HE EVEN REALIZES ITS WUKONG. I CAN FEEL THE MK AND SWK FIGHT IN MY BONES. Also can you imagine with like that one art post Mei asks MK who HE wants to be, not a reflection of somebody, not the Monkie Kid, not the Harbringer of Chaos and HE REPLIES WITH HIS REAL NAME I WOULD GO INSANE
I'm like. 85% sure that person was me afasdfafsd. I know I've mentioned it before somewhere!
Because it's like, MK feels extremely abandoned and hurt by Wukong during s2. MK's line of "Fine! Then just leave! At least my friends will never abandon me!" in 2x01 Sleep Bug is VERY telling, and it also makes me sob when put together with 3x10 The Samadhi Fire:
MK: "NO! Mei is my best friend—I'd never abandon her when she needs me! We're heroes! It's what we do!"
And 4x02 New Adventures:
MK: “You don’t know! We’d risk it for sure! I won’t abandon them when they need us.”
MK's own low self-worth combined with Wukong's tendency to leave in the worst way possible, which was only further exacerbated by the Lady Bone Demon's manipulation.
And I think MK's experiences and feelings throughout s2 made him resolve to never make his friends feel abandoned.
But of course, since this is Lego Monkie Kid, it's more interesting than just that—because MK leaves at the end of s4. It was out of fear, sure, but so was Wukong leaving in s2 and at the end of s3. MK does exactly what he set out not to do, making the same mistakes his mentor has, literally going to isolate himself on Flower Fruit Mountain for an undetermined amount of time.
It's things like this that make the question of "Who is MK" so intriguing, because that's who MK want's to be. He want's to be himself. But who is that person?
Is MK just like Wukong? Is he a harbinger of chaos? Is he just a noodle delivery boy? Is he Monkie Kid? What if you remove all those labels? What's left? What is he?
(Plus the whole "I just want to be me—to be MK!" "Yeah well...we all know where that leads." interaction between MK and the curse in 4x07)
And now that we've thrown MK's mysterious past and ominous future into the mix, we are in for a FULL on identity crisis spiral next season.
And well, when it comes down to it, MK was willing and ready to fight Wukong in s2. The lmk writers are fantastic at paying off several arcs all at the same time (see all of 3x10, which literally had the culmination of Mei's, MK's, Wukong's, and Macaque's arcs all in one. It's fucking phenomenal), and this is partly due to the time constraints of the show as a whole, but it's also just damn good writing. MK's past, his identity, the hurt he's experienced across every season—that's all going to come to a head. I also imagine it's going to happen right along side Mei, Wukong, and Macaque's arcs once again, because that's just how this show do. It do insane shit.
I also happen to be a believer in "Samadhi Fire Part 3", in which we get another 3x10 and 4x08 parallel to round it all up, and I am waiting, WAITING, for Mei to repeat MK's words back at him:
“Mei! You have to stop. I know you’re upset, and that’s okay! I know what it’s like to have a power you don’t know how to control—to feel like the fate of the world is in your hands and you have no idea what to do! But you always have my back, and help me through it. We, will figure this out! Together!” (3x10 The Samadhi Fire)
((Which, MK himself is repeating Mei's words back at her, with "But we're going to figure this out." I NEED A POSITIVE FEEDBACK FRIEND LOOP BABY))
But yeah. I'M WAITING MAN. WE HAVE THE SAME BONE FEELINGS.
#In my heart of hearts. I want MK to beat the SHIT out of Wukong#And then I want Mei to stop him#Like please please please#THE SET-UP'S ALL THERE#AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME INSANE ABOUT THIS IN PARTICULAR#Cause like. Me? I'm a really big fan of set-up#I was watching She-ra with my friends tonight and we're finally at the rushed Catra redemption#Complete downward spiral in s4 and 2 episodes into s5 she's all of a sudden cool with Glimmer#And Glimmers cool with her. Despite the fact that Catra was the one who basically killed her mom. And her planet.#Like hello#I know you're both alone but things should not have resolved this quickly#Like we literally waited 4 seasons for shadowpeach to even have a civil conversation with each other#But again that's because lmk actually knows what set-up and payoff is#Like. If I watch She-ra give someone else an unearned character arc ONE MORE TIME. WHERE THEY JUST SUDDENLY GET BETTER.#I'LL LOSE IT (< knows they have 10 more episodes of the show doing exactly that)#asks#lmk analysis#lmk#lego monkie kid#monkie kid#lmk MK#shera critical#since I complained in the tags#you know how it is
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MY SUPERVISOR PULLED ME INTO THE OFFICE TO GIVE ME SEMI FANCY CHOCOLATES???? AND PRAISE ME??? BECAUSE I'M DOING SUCH A GOOD JOB? AND HE SAID THIS IS COMING FROM THE OTHER SUPERVISORS AS WELL AND EVERYONE NOTICED HOW WELL I'M DOING. #GIRL
#HELLO#BECAUSE I'M SO EXTROVERTED WITH THE CUSTOMERS AND GOOD WITH THE LOTTERY STATION AND THE FRONT DESK#GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!#LOSING MY SHIT#rayrambles
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do you know how it is when you are the only passenger
if there is a place further from me
I beg you do not go.
Frank O'Hara, Morning
#hangster#sereshaw#top gun maverick#this goes out to the five people who enjoyed my last frank o'hara/hangster creation you're my people and I love you#anyway I went on such a journey with this bc I literally didn't know the whole stanza. only the second half#and it DID give me hangster thoughts but I was like eh probably too obscure so it was just sitting in my screenshots#cut to me actually googling to read the whole source and discovering that the preceding lines are ABOUT LOVE??!!#I was losing my shit gjdhfkhjdf#(AND frank o'hara was in the navy too like. hello. jesus.)#I was literally just going to make a fun post about Bob tonight dhkhfsk but here we are instead!!#I'm so sorry or you're welcome. whichever applies.#op
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images that are too much for me, actually.
#the uh slow walk and the framing of that first scene is so good#and the second one is the funniest image in xiv. to me.#like on the one hand aymeric's hand yes good hi hello but on the OTHER hand#..... estinien just fuckin. dumped him on his face lmao#i am breaking canon for the thing i'm working on for character development purposes but oh my god. oh my god.#'brought your stupid idiot k bye'#baby mode blogging#brother i am losing my shit.
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“The fallen angel becomes a malignant devil. Yet even that enemy of God and man had friends and associates in his desolation; I am alone.”
unofficial cover art for my Frankenstein-inspired Spider-Man fic
#omg mcu peter parker artwork?????? made by me?????????? shocking#i was struck with The Vibes tonight (24hr headache and muscles cramps and uncooperative body)#also hello New Art Style Number 54!!!#losing it. my dumb ass couldn't do line-free art for years and SUDDENLY WE'VE GONE LINEART-FREE IN A MATTER OF HOURS#also halftones my beloved#you can really tell i half-assed the anatomy. i was trying to draw those muscles and bones from memory but alas#the ribs are really fucked up lmao. also the manubrium. it's fucking massive. literally screaming#pectoralis major and deltoids and sternocleidomastoids aren't actually that bad... it's just that i gave up on giving them texture lol#oh god i forgot the hoodie strings 😭 my boy i'm so sorry!!! pretend he has hoodie strings. i am not bothered to go back and add them#god. ugh. i should realllllyyyy finish writing the current chapter. i miss you mary shelley appreciation fic#i need to entertain myself with my own fics to get myself to write lmao#peter parker#spider man#spiderman#spider man fanart#mcu peter parker#ben reilly#<- tagging him solely for the shits and giggles >:)))#artoftheagni#myart
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*dusting off this old blog* Well it's been a while, isn't it?
#hello :D so I've been missing since September- scheduled queue aside#Life was stressing me out and I needed to cool off to focus on wrapping up the year else I'd lose it#then Life got worse by Sep-Oct (y'know. horrible real life events + personal stuff + holy shit I need to learn how to Adult)#forgot my password for a while so I was mostly on Twitter and it was Not Fun (and it still isn't)#and I remembered it by the end of January where I was getting most of my shit together and was mostly on Discord with friends#who were the reason I wasn't completely losing it so if you're reading this. thank you and I love you very much <3#but I missed being on Tumblr and the friends/moots i made. just got nervous to come back here. idk why. brain works in weird ways.#it looks like I'm justifying why I wasn't here and on one hand. yeah it's kind of an update#but it's mostly because I don't like going out and returning like stuff wasn't happening so it's really a me thing so anxiety won't spike#idk if I'm gonna go missing like that again or not but. yeah i'm still alive#(felt good to write that last phrase so maybe *something's* going right in life)#but yeah i think i'm back (not 100% because. Life) and will do a pinned. if you read all of it thank you! :D#okay i'm gonna post this now before my brain decides it's a bad idea-
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guess who's back in their compassion fatigue for library patrons era!!!
#HELLO IT'S ME SIGMUND FRAUD!#i've had one other Episode like this since being in libraries and it's so exhausting#and it makes me hate myself! i suddenly can't DEAL when interacting w/people who have mental illnesses that manifest in this that or the#or the other way. i stop caring about patrons' sob stories or hard days or legitimate crises or whatever else#i'm just angry all the goddamn time about being a brick wall for others' rage and sadness and issues when i'm a fucking book person who also#who also helps with technology. i cant handle my own fucking mental illnesses on any given day sometimes and absorbing others' hardships#when i'm not trained not equipped not PAID ENOUGH and having my own spirals and episodes...it is SO MUVH#i feel evil and heartless when i suddenly stop caring and am actively angry at patrons#this isn't even a carer type of work that i do!#and yet compassion fatigue in librarians is apparently super common. we're like retail workers minus patrons spending money at our#at our establishments. people are extra mean because of the tax dollars shit and the whole 'fulfilling gaps in social services' shit#losing my compassion for others a second time os fucking terrible. i don't want to he so angry and hateful. i don't wamt to be so checked#so checked out of others' suffering if the others are in front of me. it feels gross#and as ashamed as i am to say it? it weighs on me and makes me feel WORSE and so SELFISH#ann with an ie#and i am still tuned into global issues and care and am horrified#but things and people in front of me just...cease to register
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CLOSET HISTORIAN LITTLE GREEN STREAK IN THE FRONT
#she did this for meeeeeeeee <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 like not actually but in my heart#she heard my lamentations and grief over losing seungmin's lil bang moment and took mercy on me and she looks sooooo gooooddddd#hi hello. i never post about this but i watch a lot of costubers or whatever the sewing yt community is called and i've been in love with#her channel for yearsssssssssss i can't ever sleep with a video playing unless it's hers bc her voice is so soothing (NOT that her shit is#boring btw every video is banger and just genuinely impressive)#i'm maybe more than a little gay for her can you tell. And She's Queer Too i just adore her. her channel name is a gay pun <3#anyway sorry. i have feelings about her <3#a post#if i had a nickel for every time a celebrity i liked dyed just the little front bang bits electric green i'd have two nickels etc etc#this is a good night for me i needed some good news after eating shit on stage lmao <3 but apparently no one saw in the audience#god i should go to bed. i'm going to wash my face and then Sleep i think <3
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Anton compilation
#i miss him so much going through old photos on my laptop and like every second photo i took was an anton photo#there were so many little things about him that will never be there again. But I'm so happy i got to see them even the disgusting ones.#he would lay on my feet when i was cutting vegetables. he would flatten his ears as a way of saying hi.#he would do his best impression of a human hello when encountering people on his walks. he loved to eat carrots#and whenever he got one he'd run off to his bed with it and the crunching would be so loud.#he could notice when people were angry or sad and he'd try to comfort me and lick my face when i was crying.#we'd throw sticks for him into wheat fields and he'd lose them in there and prance like a deer only his ears sticking out.#he smelled really awful most of the time. he loved to eat shit and dead animals.#he was really scared of sheep and skylarks and our neighbors cat#he loved swimming and when he first learned how he splashed around so much like a little fountain.#he liked to sleep with his head on my shoes. at night i would hear the tap of his little feet#and then a thump when he'd lay down against my parents bedroom door and then a really loud sigh.#he once got on the table and ate the bolognaise when my mom was picking me up from school but he left a plateful for me#he made genuinely the strangest noises I've ever heard a dog produce.#after i moved out he was always so happy when i came to visit. he loved people#when he was younger there were a few trigger words that made him so excited he'd run up the stairs and howl. one of them was my sisters nam#as he got older he became more of a baby and so cuddly and calm.#i'm really sad that i didn't get to say goodbye to him or be there when he died but i hope he knew how much i love him
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.
#yes hi hello anon#i don't know the bible and it's something ive always said and always complained about#and I'm apologizing in advance if someone here is christian#but I've been forced into the church spaces and into communion and confirmation and baptism#church and god was something i had to accept just like that#bc god is great and he loves all of us and he made us in his image#and he forgives all the wrong things we do#well that's where i started losing it#but also nobody NOBODY in ten years of weekly bible and religious lessons nobody ever opened the fucking bible and explained shit to us#and yeah i get it now I'm an adult i can do it for myself#well i don't care about it right now#it's not my fault is the church is more worried about convincing you they're the good people than to explain what happened in their so#called sacred text#i haven't been willingly in a religious setting in ten years and it was the best decision ever#also a stair can be so many things#you may be right you may be wrong#i didn't literally say anything i don't understand why you gotta talk bible in my inbox
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this is unrelated to literally everything but i am doing such a good job at. handling things rn. and i am proud of myself for it.
#i am so so so tired. but still have a little bit of pride for it.#even if i am actively beating the shit out of my brain in a death match and all i've got is a broom and gritted teeth#rattling the channels in the discord with my irl friends so very very violently. someone please look at me please god hello#there is also a horridly jealous little goblin that lives in my heart that i am Also having to beat with the broom#like. i'm happy for my friend! i'm glad she's getting the support she needs with her family! i am! i really really am!#but there is also a part of me that wants to just break down and bawl y'know. like i love my family but i think i know in my heart that#when i come out after i move out i'm going to lose all of them except for a few of my cousins. and i think that will shatter me. a bit.#a lot.#but as long as i don't think about it and continue to just violently shove the ''do your friends Actually care about you they never answer''#thoughts deep deep DEEP inot their box. i am fine.#overall. yes i am maybe dangerously close to a precipice and i really really don't want to go to work tomorrow#but for the moment i am on the side of victory and managing things well. and i am Going to cling here even by my fingernails if i must#until i can claw my way back over the line#y'know.
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I just realized why last year in my intro to creative writing class I was sooooo against my professors insistence that physical writing is better than typing.
I'm a fucking artist, traditional and digital. I've had to fight the fight about digital art being real art, how there's still a requirement of skill, practice, and knowledge of the medium to produce anything good digitally!
So of course, when someone says writing on paper is better than writing on a computer I put on my boxing gloves. I've been fighting this for years already-just in a different stadium.
#this just came to me#I remembered the conversation because I was opening my online writing software I use when I don't wanna make a new google doc#it's called calmly writer online#i've posted about it before#but I like that site because of the many options#you know dyslexia friendly dark mode and focus mode#focus fills the whole screen#my prof was like: I think theres a reason those sites have to do that (fill the whole screen)#and I'm just like???#yeah?? to help idiots with short attention spans hello hi its me#like we live in a digital age and you're gonna tell me that it's 'telling' that writing sites need to do that????? I'ma lose my shit#if I tried to write on paper 1 I'd not be able to read it back (dysgraphia hello)#2 I'm doing the worst thing I could do to my wrists#3 I'm gonna have to type it all in anyways again-making MORE work for my broken ass wrists to do!!!#he wasn't too bad a prof#its just this one thing lol he was really old fashioned about#annwayne rambles
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Reminder to self:
You don't need to know if they've gotten better or worse, they were bad enough that you had to cut them out and that is all you need to know.
#hello we are self doubting today..#i know i did the right thing to tell my toxic family that it was enough and I'm done with it#but sometimes that damn doubt creeps in.#they wouldn't even bother saying sorry to you for fucks sake. they were willing to call you useless before they said sorry.#like that is all you need to know. you didn't lose anything of value if they thought that was ok.#you do deserve to have your feelings respected and lying for 15 years isn't ok actually.#and it especially isn't okay to be abuse when someone gets upset you lied for them for 15 years. i shouldn't even have to say that.#wait this is working. hm... well maybe I'll leave it here anyway#maybe one of you need one of those tags too. 🤷♀️#you're worthy of love and respect and to be treated with kindness. you're allowed to feel what you feel.#yes despite what some bitch said - idgaf what they said. they were wrong ok.#and extra points for it being a damn parent. they bloody chose to have a kid so step tf up#it is NOT fucking selfish to want to speak with a parent alone for 10 minutes omfg.#it is also perfectly normal for a kid... well anyone really but extra for kid.. to not always be able to control their emotions#remember that it was YOU who called to try to resolve the fight - and all you had done was be upset cause they lied#and told you gruesome details about an animals death while laughing. yes that was extra fucked.#so no don't you damn doubt yourself. there ain't no openings for interpretation on this#and remember... you were a kid throughout like 90% of this shit. You shouldn't be the adult.#ok done spitting facts imma play stray bye#rant#ryder speaking
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