Step One: Do a thing

I am going to try to continue to blog the #healthpigreturns saga regularly. Feelings and Victories to follow below. 

Feelings: My friend said he would let me know if he were free to hang after dinner plans on Saturday. Saturday rolled around, I hadn’t heard anything and I was waiting because I didn’t make plans. I texted and he said, “Sorry, he was staying in Jersey.” I responded “Boooo you suck.” I received a “sorry homie.” I replied “You are NOT forgiven.” In my head, it was funny. It has been two days though and I haven’t sent a follow up message. I’m telling myself it’s because I’m actually a little annoyed, but I think I’m more sad that I didn’t make plans for myself and don’t feel like I have anyone to hang out with on Saturday nights. That’s my feeling. I feel lonely. And it’s even more ridiculous because at the time of this conversation, I WAS out with another friend having coffee. But for some reason I’m in a phase where I want to be out late, dancing and drinking and carrying on until the wee hours of the night. Idk. A weird feeling of loneliness and lack of satisfaction. 

I have to sort through that feeling. In the meantime, I will send a text message that says, “Hello Homie.” Or something like that. 

Victories: Today, my coteacher was observed during my favorite class by one of my favorite people at work. She’s super supportive and has been a teacher forever. She knows her stuff.  Today, she gchatted me this message: “ hope you dont think I am stalking you hahhahaha I swear I just happen to be observing all the SPED teachers today and you happen to be teaching with them. You have such a good relationship with the kids I love to watch you teach.” This message made my day. 

State Testing is next week, and to get the kids ready, the school has us do these 1.5 hour sessions in the morning before regularly scheduled classes. This year, I was put in charge of a good amount of the planning. Basically, the entire English Department would teach my lesson to a bunch of kids they don’t necessarily directly teach. It sucks. But today quite a few teachers said the lessons were good. And, they were paced appropriately. My boss will not acknowledge this success as mine. He says, “good job to the entire team.” But. It was me and it’s one of my victories. 

Big victory: Today I did a cycling class at the gym! I felt very dorky walking into the gym, and there are definitely still some things that I do not understand. Lots of machines I can’t use, etc. I think in a few weeks, once I settle into a class routine, I may buy some training sessions. For now, my focus is going to the gym and enjoying the experience. And cycling was fun!  It was no Zumba (which is my favorite thing-- it cracks me up the entire time I’m doing it), but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it was. And I still feel like I got some kind of work out. My sweat was out of control. I’m thinking I will either go back tomorrow, or wait until Wednesday and do a MWTh combo and round the week out with Sunday morning ZUMBA. I also enjoyed just slowly walking on the Elliptical, which is better than what I would be doing at home! 

TL:DR:

Feeling lonely/ dissatisfied and took it out on a busy friend. 

Victory: A person I respect loves to watch me teach and I love those kids I teach. 

I planned good lessons at work. 

I went to the gym. 

When was rock bottom?

I cannot pinpoint the exact date of my rock bottom moment, but it’s time to make moves to stop the spiral so here I go. 

Background: In September of 2017, I dropped my whole Westchester Life and moved to NYC to start a new job. The decision was made EXTREMELY quickly, I left my job and apartment and found a new one of each in the span of 3 days. I left my amazing therapist, my amazing health insurance that paid for my amazing therapist, and embarked on a life that I thought would make me happy simply by not being the miserable one I had at my old job. I figured a change of scenery would be enough. 

For a while, it seemed like it was. The influx of new experiences that awaited me in NYC kept me busy for a few months. Adjusting to that #teacherlife was difficult, but JET life taught me that being a first year teacher is always kind of difficult. I didn’t allow myself to spend too much time thinking about the worries, since I figured after a short adjustment period, they would go away. 

And yet, months went by and I still felt like I was adjusting. That made sense though. Without my amazing therapist and amazing insurance in my life, I’d gone off my antidepressants. It didn’t seem like a big deal, after all, life was in the process of working itself out. The job was slowly getting easier and I was enjoying my NYC social life.

But I was also living with a crazy bitch of a roommate (That’s what you get for moving in to the first apartment you find, right?). She was crazy- a clean freak like no one I’d ever met before. She would scream at me for every stray crumb on the counter and made it difficult for me to want to leave my bedroom, difficult for me to muster the energy to greet her in the kitchen. I stopped cooking so I didn’t have to be around her, instead living off of Chinese Takeout and Chef Boyardee. But, I wasn’t too worried! I had plans to move in with a friend in June, and then all my problems would be solved. Don’t worry too much about your jeans not fitting, everything will naturally work out soon! 

I moved in with my friend in June and the adjustment was rough. At this point, I had some awareness that I wasn’t in my “best state of mind,” but hadn’t yet connected that “something’s not quite right” feeling to the “Oh hi, it’s me, Depression!” feeling that prompted me to seek out therapy in the first place. We hadn’t worked out how to communicate our difficulties, and he is self admittedly bad at confrontation.

When school started up again, we discovered that our old boss had left and was replaced by a giant tree of a man, eager to prove himself to the department. In our first meeting, he held up one of my lesson plans and told me that it wasn’t good, and stressed that he’d be doing some restructuring as he can’t figure out why so many people were deemed effective educators the year before. Suddenly, the confidence I felt entering my second year of teaching disappeared.

The last few months of 2018 really cemented themselves in the Hall of Fame of Shit. I don’t know how to write about mental health without sounding whiny and dramatic. I gained weight. I would start hysterically crying randomly at work and at home and couldn’t stop. I ordered takeout often. I started drinking more. I smoked. I developed what I knew was a temporary crush on one of my friends and would, despite my knowledge that it was a phase, manically obsess over it in a way that stopped being fun. I rewatched three seasons of the Jersey Shore from the couch-- I didn’t sleep in my bed anymore. There’s more. 

One day, as I was literally screaming my frustrations about the crush-man in an empty classroom at work, my friend said to me, “Do you think this anger is... chemical?” I turned to her and allowed the wave of comprehension to wash away the heat of my rage. “Yes, it most likely is.”

I spent the next few weeks trying to find a new therapist. With each effort, I dissolved into hopeless tears. NYC was too hard. I couldn’t do it. I could feel myself getting worse. One weekend, I went out with my friends. I drunkenly learned crush man knew the whole time. My drunk friend gently consoled me saying, “He doesn’t like girls like us.” I looked down at my stomach and knew what she meant. That night, the crying made my body feel heavy. One night, I couldn’t get up. It felt like someone was sitting on me and I couldn’t move from bed-- I suppose this was rock bottom. Rock bottom lasted through the weekend. I ended up calling out of work on Monday, still unable to curb my tears, and made an appointment with a new PCP, the only doctor available on short notice. I cried on my way there and blamed it on the cold wind that blew in my face. I felt tired as I sat in the waiting room and I felt gray as the nurse took my measurements. I held my breath as I stepped on the old school scale, hoping the extra air would allow me to cheat the system and hover above the sensor. The doctor arrived and asked what medication I took. I told her I used to take antidepressants.  I wish I had filmed the desperation with which I’d replied “YES” when asked if I’d like to go back on them. Suddenly, I had found a door.  

I am not writing this under the assumption that medication has in any way cured me. I never really know if they’re working. I just have slowly come to the realization that after months of struggle, I have to actually DO something if I want things to be different. And that’s terrifying and difficult and unpleasant. This is not an uplifting “I have my shit together now” post, this is a “I am trying very hard to address my feelings and praise my own small victories” post. 

So. Feelings: I am not happy. I feel like a gross slug a lot of the time. I do not like to see myself in mirrors, especially from the side. I do not like my boss. I spend too much money on small insignificant things and then get mad when they don’t make me feel better. I have to move in June or find someone to sign on to my lease, and the prospect of doing either is making me feel all sorts of unmotivated unpleasantness. I feel like I’m annoying my friends. 

Small Victories: I made Okonomiyaki today, it was delicious. I graded all of my 11th graders Argumentative Essays and most of them have improved. I know I’ve gotten better at my job, even if my boss doesn’t recognize it. I joined a gym today. I am reading a book for fun and I enjoy it. I wore a dress to work last week and it looked nice. I took out the trash. I drank water and walked 20 blocks south in the sun and took a picture of some ice that looked cool. I talked to a woman at a coffee shop in the East Village about being a teacher. I didn’t go into the Elf Store. I took my medication. I put my dishes in the sink before showering. 

I have a plan, too. And that feels nice. 

Journal Again

More Feels/ Successes 

I just wanted to write this down, so that I can remember it later. Because today I went to the gym again (I went yesterday) and cycled, even though my legs were dead. I didn’t give it 100%, but at least I went! I felt super happy about that. 

Then, I went grocery shopping and got a bunch of ingredients for a salad of salads. It was primo healthpig. I roasted carrots and broccoli, cooked some chickpeas with curry sauce, roasted some sweet potatoes, and mixed in with kale, mustard greens, red onions, tomato, cucumber, and some trader joe’s turkey meatballs. 

I also got a foundation that I really like. V. productive day. 

Jan Something. 11? 14? 15. Thank’s Google.

Today I will discuss why I didn’t do my laundry, Pleasing Terrors, and my aversion to responsibility. 

Feelings: First and foremost, I feel stressed. The state testing madness is getting to be A LOT and I’m sick of it. I don’t like teaching boring test shit, I don’t like making a group of good kids sit through boring test bullshit, I don’t like being the person in charge of organizing the boring test shit for others... It drains my soul to have people ask me questions about a test that’s entire existence upsets me on a moral level. Why are we making kids sit through hours of standardized testing? Why am I being asked to teach to a test that measures NOTHING? It grosses me out to be the vehicle of torture. blegh. Plus, ALL of my prep periods are now full of actual prep. I barely ate lunch today which is very unlike me. (lol)

I also feel a little let down with myself-- I was going to do laundry, and I have not. I just stayed on the sofa. I’m not as tired today as I thought I would be after the gym, and I’m sitting here thinking like, did I really work out hard if I’m not sore? I know that’s all my brain, but I’m feeling the pressure. I took a selfie to see if I drew my eyebrows on evenly (loll- I did not) and it was not a flattering photo. 

Victories: Today, despite the crazy test prep schedule, my classes went well! At least, my 10th grade classes did. My second period class regularly fills me with an intense amount of joy. They are THE BEST. Today, the lesson was not great. As we were going through the Do Now, I realized that without reviewing the previous day, finishing the worksheet wouldn’t make sense. So, we had to trash the plan and try something on the fly. While I was setting up/ buying time, we reviewed the structure of a counterclaim paragraph. We wrote the order on the board and I asked if anyone would be willing to do a dramatic reading while I quickly set up the new slideshow. E suggested that R take us “to Jamaican church” (Both students are of Jamaican heritage). At first, R was enthusiastic, but then when he was standing in front of everyone, he got a little nervous. E came up to support, and the two of them read the notes as if they were in Jamaican church, even holding a fake bible.  Some of the other Jamaican American students got in on the routine and everyone was laughing (but not in a make fun of them way, in an omg this is hilarious way) and enjoying the moment. What I love about them is that they allow each other to be silly or vulnerable, but no one turns it into bullying or negativity. I said, “No phones, no filming, let’s just enjoy this,” and most of them listened (R’s best friend filmed under the desk without me knowing ><). There are always volunteers in that class, always students who are willing to step outside their comfort zone. They make mistakes because they know it’s ok and I love being in that space with them. My current goal is to get my 4th period class to that level by March. 

Other victories: 

I did dishes

I ate healthy-ish. 

I took out recycling (been waiting on that for a week). 

I started a new podcast called “Pleasing Terrors.” It’s like, ghost stories meets true crime. V. cool. 

There are 5 gudetamas displayed in my living room. 

#goals

Finally started making an effort to exercise again. Went to the gym Wednesday and today (Friday).

Still eating enough to cancel it out, but once I have finished building the perfect playlist, I will be unstoppable. That, or I need to grow the balls I need to bring my iPad in, because if I could watch something other than Wayne Brady’s “Let’s make a Deal” or Fox News, that would be great. 

My real problems are as follows:

The gym is full of intimidating dude bros and women in makeup 

I don’t know how to use any of the cool looking equipment and the things I can use are boring

I don’t have any specific cardio goals- like, today the only thing that kept me going was the whole “try and shave 30 seconds off the 1 mile time from Wednesday”, but that game can only last so long, and anyway, I’m on the elliptical so it’s not a REAL mile

The only classes during the time I can go are taught by the mean lady, and I’m scared to tell her of my bad knees because she will be like “QUIT MAKING EXCUSES PUNK” and I will try and then break my knees. 

I’m being a baby, haha. Most of it is just lame old fear, which I will get over shortly (because I’ve written it down and acknowledged it right now), but some of it is just like, general dissatisfaction with my life leading me to question “the point.” Also, taking the bus to the gym is a pain- I read my book on the bus ride there, and then inevitably get pissed when I arrive because I have to stop reading the book to work out. 

I’ll figure it out. 

5 min abs killed me I know what to work on...

Health Pig Diaries: aka The Struggle to Find Balance after Returning to America (re: food)

December 9th, 2015

I finished watching my last episode of The Legends of Korra today, which is why “finding balance,” being true to myself, finding my own inner peace in the spirit realm, yadda yadda yadda, is fresh in my mind. #healthpig is a hashtag that has taken on a whole new meaning since coming back from JET (as much meaning as a hashtag can have...). In Japan, #healthpig started off as a convenient way to incorporate Dominoes Pizza, Chicken Wings, and the occasional dessert blowout with @pooki-chu into a new “healthy lifestyle” I was trying to discover. As I got more and into the gym, and more and more into cooking for myself, #healthpig became a way to document these triumphs. I was still a pig at heart, but a pig headed in the right direction. It felt good to be the healthpig. The Healthpig was shedding pounds, cooking up some fancy ass delicacies, and in general being awesome. 

It’s been four months since I’ve returned to America and I feel like healthpig has been hibernating. Let me tell you... Food is HARD here!...

In Japan, GOOD ASS FOOD was a treat: the rainy day Dominoes when you literally had no more shame, the Chicken wings that you only got to eat if you went to the gym a lot or were extremely depressed*, the occasional dessert blowouts... Even the tri-weekly donuts at Mr. Donuts (which granted, was a lot of donuts) and the fancy dinners I would make myself, all of those were treats. They were lovingly thought up, planned over the course of a few free periods at work. Recipes were investigated, friends were called (primarily to debate if I were allowed to have chicken wings again this week), coupons were searched for (Dominoes has excellent rainy day deals in Japan). Food was a treat, and so was losing weight/feeling healthier. HEALTH and PIG were balanced and the Healthpig was (mostly) happy and content. 

In America, that isn’t the case. Japan style “Good ass food” is everywhere- I don’t mean good sushi or excellent yakiniku, I mean those things that you CRAVE that Japan just doesn’t do- good cheese, Chipotle, more than one flavor of Oreo, a cafeteria serving up cheese stuffed pasta at least once a week, Dunkin Donuts coffee, restaurants with refillable soda**, etc. That stuff is everywhere. And when I came back, I ate it all. Foraging through my mother’s cabinets, I ate mac and cheese I didn’t really want, only because I hadn’t had it in a while. I chewed my ass through probably 5 different flavors of Oreos in 2 months. I think in my first 2-3 months, I had cheap Chinese food 15 times. And the thing is, I didn’t even really want it... I mean, I wanted to eat it, but I didn’t want that sort of stuff to sneak back into what was once a happy and content, moderately health minded person. 

But in it snuck. As the face in the mirror slowly started to expand, the brain behind it started panicking. WHAT IF I GO BACK TO MY OLD SIZE?! WHAT IF I HAVE TO BUY NEW PANTS?! WHAT DOES BEING THIS SIZE MEAN IN AMERICAN TERMS***!?These worries were aggravated by the Great Work Bullshit of October, The Great Dental Disaster of July, The Great OH FUCK I AM LIVING NEAR MY FAMILY AGAIN Trauma of 2015, The Great I Have No Friends Mondai of my Whole Life in America, and the Great “My Couch has literally got a my ass shaped cavity in it now” Situation of the Year. I started to stress eat, my pants got tighter, I stress ate more... My free time was spent binge watching Netflix/Amazon Prime TV shows until my eyes teared up, or in the car with a coworker, spending all day shopping at places I sometimes only half wanted to be at****. Health and Pig were out of sync- I was just a pig. The food was still sooo delicious, but the thoughts that paced through my head afterwards were not.

Finally, I’m making an effort to get myself under control. I joined a gym and try to go 3 times a week. I’ve been making better choices at the cafeteria, and buying my own food to supplement theirs. I walk a little more in my day to day life, and actually exercise on that stability ball in my house at least once a week (otherwise I just roll around on the ground with it, but it’s so fun still). As enough of these small changes pile up, I find myself doing other little things, just to make me happy. I’ve been enjoying quiet cups of tea on my couch while reading a book. I started knitting again, and learned a new pattern. I sewed another patch in my ratty Japan leggings pants. I bought a cheap little paint set from Walmart. I started creating better boundaries between myself and my coworkers, so I had some time in each day for myself, and I didn’t feel guilty about it. I lit a candle. I made a friend. Little things that make me feel like a real person. 

Who knows, maybe today is just a good day, and tomorrow my decision to not go to the gym (I haven’t slept past 7 all week, and a coworker is having games at his house at 1pm and I’m going Friday dont lecture me) will throw me back into another spiral of sad. And let’s be real, how long can I expect myself to keep eating spinach salads and NOT eating cookies... Either way, it’s definitely going to be a journey, learning how to balance “delicious American foods” that I honestly love eating (Chinese food, I’m looking at you) with what I “should” be eating (Oh hey, Kale. Long time no eat).  The struggle is real, but it’s worth it. Because Healthpig was awesome: She felt decent about herself, she was surrounded by people who she cared about and who cared about her, and she turned every day, no matter how small and uneventful, into a celebration. Hopefully America and I can work together and fine that beautiful son of a bitch again. 

fin.

*After the ex and I broke up, I think I gained 5lbs SOLELY in Fuji Grand Tebasaki. 

**I was on a date the first time I realized that the soda could be refilled. It was right after I got back, and I guess I’d forgotten, because my date thought I was crazy.

***In Japan I was DEKKAI, which never made me feel good. Worst case scenario, I could conveniently file any weird stares under the “I am also tall and brown and big haired in addition to big and so no one has ever seen a human like me before maybe” part of my brain. In America, there are plenty of people of various sizes- granted, maybe not many women as tall as me, but i didn’t think it would be that strange. So I’m struggling to find the correct files for the stares I get here, which makes it hard to handle that stress induced self doubt that comes around sometimes. 

**** Don’t get me wrong, I love that she takes me out and I like seeing little things around my area, but sometimes I would really not want to do anything, but I would also not want to disappoint her, so I would go anyway and make myself angry and irritable. 

Healthpig has a personal training session with David this morning. He helped me understand that I am physically deficient. It's a good lesson to learn. I may start paying him in January. He's goofy. Or I may pay another woman. We shall see. It was fun though! In a "I'm gonna throw up" way

@maurarigatou moment When your arms are too noodle-y after arms day that you try to put eyeliner on but can't hold your own arm that way without propping it up on a wall

Gym day 2

Did not want to be bothered. It's only day 2