#he’s just. chill bug brother who also is holding back a panic attack as far as I can tell | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

willadisastercry · 3 years

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Pidge is less okay than everyone thought... and that’s okay

Tw: detailed description of a panic attack, unintentional self harm (not intense or graphic)

Shiro and Lance are the only one’s who seem to be able to help when Pidge has an anxiety attack, they’re also the only people who know she even actively has them. But Pidge has overworked herself all week, not getting enough sleep or even bothering to eat much before today’s mission. So when she faces a hitch in an attempt to acquire possibly crucial intel that could put her family back together, she can’t steal her nerves quick enough before this one comes on and nothing seems to be working to calm her down this time.

“Really good work out there today, guys. Relax and rest a bit before we regroup later to discuss.”

Pidge had barely noticed Shiro was even speaking, too enthralled in the prospect of what could possibly be contained on the drive she’d secured with galra intel from today’s mission.

“Awh, come onnn Shiro. Can’t we just call it a night? I’m so wiped.”

Flight plans, prisoner logs, cargo shipment details, the possibilities were really endless and anything could get her one step closer to finding her father and brother. She couldn’t get complacent now.

“Would you rather wake up early tomorrow morning—“

“NO! No, forget I asked. Ugh,” Lance urged before huffing in frustration as he sprawled himself across the couch in the common room, everyone else already following suit and nearly entirely atop of one another.

They all seemed content to remain like that, but Pidge felt like there were bugs crawling under her skin. She didn’t want to relax, she didn’t know if she could.

Her heart pumped erratically in her chest as she felt more and more useless sitting on a couch relaxing when she could be analyzing the data that just might help her find her family.

“Anyone else have—“

“I’m going to go ‘relax’ in my lab,” Pidge announced resolutely.

“Uh, Pidge, you know the whole point of relaxing is ya know, not doing anything, right?”Hunk asked as Keith shifted to allow him to release her from under the weight of his arm where it fell in their semi dog pile onto the couch.

“I need to start my diagnostics on the encrypted files I retrieved before they corrupt,” Pidge’s words were pointed and direct.

“Lone galra cruisers don’t usually have tech guys, it’ll take some time to relay the news of the attack over to hq and even more time for them to properly investigate and figure out what we got away with... you’ve got plenty of time Pidge—“

“Well, we weren’t exactly stealthy and they could have failsafes already initiated ready to go at any moment! It’s crucial that I review and decrypt as much as I can before all of our work goes to hell—“

“I thought we were sorta clean with it...” Keith muttered deep in thought as he reviewed their performance over in his head.

“Woah, slow down,” Lance interjected everyone, “if you’re still mad at me about not catching that last sentry before you were done cleaning out all of the files from the server then, I get that, but you don’t need to be so—“

“Guys, guys! We’ll discuss it later, for now everyone’s only job is to chill out, and Pidge, you can go work in your lab as long as you promise to come to the meeting later with a cooler head, deal?”

“Yeah, whatever. Deal,” she gruffed before taking off towards Green’s hangar to retrieve the usb from today’s mission.

“Jeez,” Hunk sighed as he fixed his headband back into place from where it had slipped down.

“And I thought I could be hot-headed...” Keith mused almost in awe but also worry because why was Pidge this worked up over some data that may or may not even be helpful?

“I was still down from a blast during hand to hand with the second wave of sentries...” Lance stared at the floor, his face full of hurt as he recalled his moment of error in battle that he was certain causing Pidge’s mood.

“...I didn’t see the last one come up and when I did he’d already blasted the control panel to shit.”

“It’s not your fault Lance, the mission couldn’t have gone smoother. We did what we set out to and that’s all we can focus on for now, let’s just give her some space to cool off and wait for the meeting to dole the rest out.”

The boys agreed and stayed in the common room for several more minutes talking about how weird Pidge was being before finally heading off to get cleaned up.

Pidge wished she could get washed up, but she had so much work left to do. She was typing away furiously as she produced line of code after code, determined to not let up before she was done.

Her legs pumped restlessly against the floor while she worked, her entire body practically vibrating with nervous energy.

She just needed to configure a base for her decryption software according to the firewalls in this particular ship’s files so she could finally let it run and—fuck.

The altean computer screen wavered and then sputtered as it began rebooting.

“Nononono, no, NO! You’ve got to be kidding me...”

She could throw up.

The processor had overheated before she could get the last few lines of code typed to initialize her software which meant when it cooled off she would have to start from the beginning and by then... by then there could be nothing left to decrypt.

Panic swelled in her chest, the heat spreading as quickly as it appeared.

This could have been what leads her to her father, to her brother. And if she failed she could be what breaks her family... for good.

She hadn’t realized she’d been holding her breath until the strain in her chest brought her out of her staring competition with the blaring red across the screen in front of her.

Inhaling sharply, she clutched her chest. The initial breath hurt and so she breathed again to see if it would hurt again, and it did.

Shit, why does it hurt? Slower. Breathe slower.

But she couldn’t. She took another. And then another. And then she was breathing so fast none of her heaves seemed to alleviate the tightness that wrapped around her lungs and crawled up into her throat.

“Aha, fuck.”

The panic came on so quickly it almost made her nauseous.

The harder she tried to return her breathing to normal the deeper she seemed to plunge. But she still had work to do. And she had to be cooled off for the meeting or Shiro wouldn’t let her return to her lab.

She needed to, in her own words, calm the fuck down.

She’d done it before, managed to bring herself down from this point. But that was with Lance by her side to gently guide her breathing to something steadier and with Shiro holding her so tightly it was hard to find a good enough reason to remain so tightly wound.

And she was just very rude to both of them so she couldn’t ask for their help after that. Pidge had never done it by herself before, but she would have to at least try to now.

So she closed her eyes and forced herself to take in a large enough breath so she could count her inhale, hold it, and then exhale, but even doing that had hurt and seemed to just make deepen the ache.

“No... why... why isn’t it... working?!”

Her chest felt too heavy to do it, too tight and she couldn’t seem to manage the counts without making it worse. Her lungs would tighten up and ache before she reached the end of the time she was supposed to hold her breath which caused her exhale to be several rapid inhales instead.

Oh god.

She pushed herself away from her desk, in the process pulling the keyboard out as well as knocking over a pile of electronics that fell to the floor with a clank that jarred her now insanely sensitive ears.

There was too much input. Too many things making it impossible to do this on her own.

She scrambled to shut the radio off, but her eyes were blurry with tears and she couldn’t find the correct buttons, increasing the volume and switching it to a station of static instead.

She let out a scream she didn’t know she was holding back as she sank to her knees, clamping hands over her ears to try and block out all the noise that was now overloading her senses.

It was like everything had been dialed to 10.

The whirring of the computer processor as it worked, the cool air being pushed into the room from a vent over her head, the steady beeps and ticks of several different machines and... and the door of the lab opening followed by footsteps.

“Pidge?”

Keith.

“Pidge, hey... what happened?”

His voice was so loud.

“What’s wro—“

“Shh,” she begged, voice barely a whisper over her ragged breathing.

“Okay, okay,” he placated as he closed the distance between them.

“I can be quieter... and maybe if I turn this off, how’s that? Better?”

She nodded, removing her hands from her ears once he’d gotten the radio off. She hadn’t noticed when she’d started shaking but her hands were trembling so badly she had to hold them to keep them remotely still.

“I’m gonna sit with you, is that okay? Alright, do you think you can tell me what’s happening right now?”

She thought about it for a second and concluded that even she didn’t know.

She’d had anxiety attacks before, Shiro had been the first to name it for what it was. They were mostly inattentive ones where she’d dissociate, sometimes she would get worked up and hyperventilate, but it was only ever fleeting, short, over in a couple minutes. And other than that she’d always had some sort of an answer to nearly everything anxiety related. Except now.

Because right now she did not know what was happening, only that even her own heart pumping was so loud it made her want to disappear into a blissful cloud of nothing. She didn’t like not knowing what this was and why she was feeling it, and that realization seemed to break what little progress she had made in containing it.

“Wait no, it’s okay, you’re okay!”

But she wasn’t. She was so far from okay.

“Pidge, you’re safe. You just need to breathe.”

She knew that already and she’s been trying, but the more she tried and failed the more she became aware that there was nothing she could do on her own to stop it.

“This happens to me too sometimes, I know it seems impossible but you can do it. We can do it together, yeah? Okay, I need you to take a really deep breath for me, I’ll go first.”

And he did. He inhaled audibly and urged her to follow. And she tried, but her chest hitched and she choked on the air she tried to bring in.

Keith wanted to soothe her and placed his hand on her arm but she jolted so violently at the touch that he tore his hand away as if he was afraid he’d burned her. She met him with desperate eyes, sincere with frustration and impatience.

“I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m helping much.... do you want me to get someone else? Hunk? Or maybe—“

“Sh-Shiro or Lance, p-please...”

Her hands were in fists on her lap and they were beginning to go numb, a tingle spreading from her wrists up to her shoulders and a similar one moving up her legs. She hated when that happened.

She hated feeling so much emotion when her body felt so stuck, so not there. Because she was there and she was struggling and now was not the time to go ghost on herself.

“I can’t-I can’t stop it, I just want it... to stop.”

“This feeling isn’t permanent, it’s just your body reacting—it’ll stop,” he moved his hand from the floor to her knee and she flinched again but let it remain there.

“I’m going to be right back with someone, is that okay? You’ll be alone for only a minute...”

She nodded through a strangled sob. Her mouth was starting to go dry and so she didn’t feel much like talking anymore.

Keith squeezed her bouncing knee before taking off in a dead sprint. Pidge surrendered to the heaviness of her eyelids and closed them for a moment as she vaguely wondered how he would describe the predicament to their friends and how exactly he’d realized something was awry at all, relishing in the prospect of focusing on something other than her own panic for a moment.

But the relief didn’t last long because when she pried her eyes open to see if someone, anyone was back yet, the world tilted.

She watched in horror as objects seemed to wane out of focus while others seem pulled into hyper detail, the floor stretching out in front of her in an unrelenting wave of movement, the little dots of static that you usually see when you blur your vision or just before you pass out were now moving so quickly she could cry. Correction: she was already crying, but she couldn’t stop full on hysterics now.

She didn’t know when she had scooted herself against the leg of the desk but was thankful for the support, thankful for something to remind her that she was on the ground, in her lab, in... space.

The way her chest contracted as her mind continued to do its own whirring, continued to think about all of the things she couldn’t possibly control but felt compelled to try to caused her a whole new type of distress.

It was too much.

She squirmed as she tried to get away from herself, from this feeling, throwing her head back hard enough to hurt as she wailed, but it didn’t because she couldn’t feel anything. It was like her entire body had shut off an entire sense and the others were thrown completely out of wack because of it.

And she didn’t know why she was crying exactly, there seemed to be too many reasons and not any all at once, but she gathered that it was one of those instances where now that she’d started it was going to be really hard to stop.

Those were really the only circumstances under which she cried, especially now that she was in space with a ship full of teenage-ish males and two very parent-like aliens, after going so long without crying at all only to lose it over absolutely nothing and somehow end up crying about everything.

But this was sort of different. Because she felt so much more wrong than just an overdue cry.

She didn’t have much more time to deliberate this because there were voices pulling her out of her daze. Shiro was knelt in front of her and Keith was back.

“There you are.”

Shiro moved one hand to her shoulder and she shrunk under it, her eyes wild and fearful as she could feel the weight of it, but nothing more.

“Hey, it’s alright. It’s just me,” he said as he moved to sit beside her against the drawers of the desk.

“Keith said you were getting really overwhelmed, so I’m here if you want—oh!” Pidge had rushed forward to bury her head in Shiro’s chest and his arms closed around her securely.

“I’ve got you, i’ve got you...” he gushed as he held her trembling frame, the tears still flowing freely and her chest still struggling under the immense pressure that had built in it.

She tried to ignore how trapped she felt, yearning for the usual ease that his tight embrace brought instead of this suffocating strain. She felt another scream bubble at the back of her throat as she let the weight of his arms take her somewhere almost worse, somewhere she wasn’t just struggling to breathe anymore, but now felt like she had absolutely no air to even try.

“Pidge?! Hey, talk to me, where you at?”

She pulled away from Shiro, his voice piercing her ears like a small explosion. He immediately retracted and searched her face for an explanation but it was just filled with fear as she drew her knees up to her chest, clutched her hands over her ears and tried not to give into the sobs until she had enough air to support such heavy crying.

But it soon became blatantly clear that she couldn’t get enough air in when her face had gone slack and her sobs had all but stopped except for the croak of her tired throat as she desperately tried to pull in air, the strong arms around her releasing completely now, more hands finding her back and tapping her shoulder.

“Pidge, you need to take a breath, the air is there. You’re—damnit it, you’re going to pass out if you don’t try. Is Lance on his way over? Okay, can you go get water and a...”

The rest was lost on her as black continued to impede her vision, Shiro’s usually warm and calming voice now just as sharp as the sting in her lungs and cut with worry. Tears still flowed down her cheeks to meet under her chin and continue down her neck, but they came silently, the hollow rasp from her throat as she struggled through irregular and rapid breaths barely audible anymore. She almost wished that she would just pass out already, let her body’s self preservation instincts break the unbearable cycle of panic it tortured her with.

But Shiro wouldn’t let her, he was just about ready to administer rescue breaths with how pale she had gotten before Lance arrived.

“Shit, Pidge, what the hell? You usually do so well with the breathing excercise I showed you... but it’s okay, this happens.”

Lance settled himself next to Pidge on the other side of Shiro and began to work one of her fists open, her hand was now lax for the most part, so it wasn’t hard and did the same with the other before putting his hand on her back while the other corded through her hair.

“I’m going to stretch your arm out so you can— damnit you’re really tensed up, do you think you can relax your arm a bit?” He questioned tenderly as he began gently easing her arm away from her chest, holding her hand while rubbing at the clenched up muscles as they released their tension.

“Yeah, just like that... you’re doing so good,” he murmured as he took her shaking hand up to his chest and pressed her pliant fingers down. After a minute she looked around lazily, her body still racked with trembling sobs before soft fingers were tipping her chin to meet a warm smile mouthing ‘hey’.

Shiro watched in a mix of awe and confusion as Lance handled Pidge’s crisis, ignoring the hesitation in his eyes because his voice was so steady and his so hands sure that it didn’t matter that he didn’t know in the slightest of what he was doing. He was just being him, this was his nature, to be able to read someone so well and provide them with such tenderness.

“Want to try and listen to how I breathe?”

She parted her lips as if to speak but a particularly pointed sob prevented it, Lance seemed to get the point though and shifted his legs around.

“I’ll let you settle in and you tell me when you’re ready for me to return the hug...”

Lance tugged on her other sleeve and guided into a cautionary embrace, his touch light and his hands remaining on her arms as she found the spot on his chest where she could practically hear his heart moving against his ribs, but... not quite.

Everything sounded muffled now, like she was under water but wasn’t prepared to take a deep enough breath before being shoved beneath the surface.

Except she was comepltely aware that she wasn’t actually under water. Like it was all a cruel joke where she was tortured while she watched everyone else around her breathe easily. Her mind still able to rationalize that even though she felt like she was, she wasn’t actually dying.

But Lance wasn’t flaunting the fact that he could breathe, he was trying to remind her how she could too. He squeezed her arms each time her hands tightened around the material of his sweatshirt, reminding her that she should be thinking about how his chest was working, pushing all the other junk in her mind away for now.

“Feel how my voice carries when I talk... how controlled each breath is... think about what you can feel and hear and touch... they’re things you can perceive... things you can control, don’t focus on what you can’t...”

Okay, he’s right. I can do that. Try to do that.

She shuddered through a round of hitches in her sobbing and pressed her face further into Lance’s chest, not even having the mind to worry about how wet it was getting with her tears.

Think about what you can feel...

She could feel the thumping of his heart even if she wasn’t quite hearing it at that moment, her mind making up the difference and leading her to imagine the sound it must be making each time it does... and how the air being pushed out through his nose must be whistling... and how the constant reverberations must mean he was... humming.

But then it stopped as he took a big breath and let Pidge rise with his chest as it expanded, sure to let it out just as steadily.

Her chest seemed to loosen then, her body rushing to take in as much air as it could before the panic spiked again.

“I’m going to hug back now, you let me know if you—oh, okay, I’m here, Shiro’s here too. You’re okay,” he ran his hands through her hair and pressed her tightly to his chest, his legs coming up to plant his feet firmly on either side of her as he began slowly rocking them back and forth.

It felt nice. He moved them carefully, slow enough that she could have been asleep in his arms and she wouldn’t have been disturbed, but also so securely that her mind couldn’t disappear the presence of his hands bracing her back and circling through her hair.

But the lull didn’t last long.

It wasn’t his fault, this is just how it went. When she got bad like this, the panic came and went in waves. If her body still had nervous energy left, it didn’t matter how much she managed to calm down, she would have to start from square one until there was nothing left in her to continue.

No!

Shiro was just as surprised as Lance when her voice cracked, the soothing sounds she was murmuring to herself as she worked her breaths closer and closer to normal broken by a wail.

Fuck!

Fuck you, fuck this, fuck—everything.

“-dge? Pidge?!”

“We’re still here, you’re still alright.”

“Give me a sec... there ya go, better?”

He’d turned her around so that her back was against his stomach and then held his hand up in front of her to show her before he closed it and lowered it to her chest, she knew what he was going to do and melted into him further as he began to rub gentle but firm circles over her sternum.

“Ahh... ahah, f-fuck,” she sobbed beneath him, she shuddered under the touch, her hands searching for something else, anything else to ground her and stumbling upon Shiro’s on one side and her thigh on the other.

She squeezed tight on both as she fought desperately not to slip again, feeling the way her body wanted to become light again.

Nope, we are just not doing that shit again.

She was so mentally done with this, but her body seemed to be losing energy too. She could feel it tiring, losing the warewithal to continue its draining overreaction. Turns out not having rested at all after their mission just to drop like this was a blessing in way, she was scared of how long she’d have been able to go if she wasn’t already worn out.

She forced her eyes shut and focused on Lance’s fingers, his knuckles pressing hard, but not hard enough to hurt. She’d almost wish he was. The rhythmic motion was heavenly because she couldnt ignore it as he kept the pressure there above her heart.

She gasped when she started coming back to herself, feeling the sudden shift when she seemed to be given the reigns back on her own breathing, sucking in huge gulps when she finally could control it.

“That’s it, you’re doing so good... listen to how I do it.”

Shiro was massaging the residual tremors out of her hand as he held it, the additional release of tension aiding in grounding her further.

She was faintly aware of the lab door opening but was too focused on not losing her pace, her breaths still manual and unsteady but a hell of a lot better than before.

“Oh...” it was Keith, he sounded worried.

She was confused for a moment before a hand was on her thigh.

“Hey,” Lance’s hand was at her wrist now. “Oh Pidge, don’t-don’t do that.”

Keith was trying to lift her fingers up but stopped when he saw that pearls of blood were starting to form beneath them and didn’t want his struggle with her to make it worse.

“Crap.”

“Pidge let—Pidge you gotta let go.”

The hurt in Lance’s voice stung. She wasn’t even aware she’d been doing that, but she couldn’t bring herself to break the iron grip, this peace was so tenuous and she couldn’t afford fucking it up.

When she didn’t respond Lance exchanged a knowing look with Keith who moved his hand under the palm of hers before both boys wrenched her hand up, surpressing how sharply he breathed when he saw the trail of red with sheaths of skin uprooted and purple crescents dotted about.

They sort of just stared, lost for a second, neither of them quite sure how to proceed.

“I got it,” Shiro offered as he took the offending hand from them, Pidge’s gaze still somewhere else.

There was a moment of silence before anyone talked or moved again.

“Pidge, hey. Keith brought water for when you feel up to it.”

Keith was kneeling next to them now, pouring cold water onto a rag and wringing it out before showing it to Lance.

“He’s got something cold to put on your face, maybe over your eyes? They must hurt...”

She blinked absently, silent tears making their way down her cheeks.

“This should help, ready?”

It took a second but she finally nodded and then the rag was descending on her swollen and bloodshot eyes. She jumped at first but he continued and once it was fully laid on it was bliss. The coolness calmed the angry puffiness and the pressure kept new tears from falling.

“I’m... gonna put something on your leg. It might sting, but it’s also cold so it’ll feel nice,” Keith said wiping up the small drops of blood that escaped the scratch wounds before pressing whatever it was down on top for a beat.

They weren’t bleeding much, the skin torn literally just enough to bleed. She also couldn’t really feel it, the area just felt numb and stiff. She hadn’t meant to draw blood, she just needed something that felt real to bring her back.

A spark of shame lit deep in her gut as realization dawned on her, she had hurt herself. Sure it was subconscious, but she still did, literally with Lance and Shiro right there trying to help. But she pushed those thoughts away.

She was far from perfectly fine, still working through the after shocks and residual anxiousness that followed. She sort of felt sick to her stomach and couldn’t stop swaying her leg back and forth as she lay against Lance, his grip as tight as ever, with Shiro still caging her unsteady hands in his.

Keith had gotten a blanket at some point to drape over her and kept removing the rag to re wet it with the cold water that she didn’t quite trust herself to drink yet.

“How ya feeling?” Lance murmured into her hair.

She hummed in response.

“Gonna take that as better, right?”

She nodded and then grimaced when Keith took the rag away once more and opened her eyes only to realize how much pressure had built behind them.

“What’s up?” Shiro asked when he noticed her face twisting up.

“My head hurts.”

“Hm, Coran has some sort of aspirin equivalent somewhere and... you could lie down, try going to sleep until dinner—oh! Hunk is making your favorite, he figured everyone needs a good meal after today.”

“Sounds nice,” she almost slurred, her head snuggling into the crook of Lance’s arm. She still shook as if she were cold, even with the blanket.

The three of them discussed something for several minutes but she tuned the conversation out, too busy relishing in how she could breathe again, only a small part of her worried about relapsing back into hysteria as the waves of panic returned smaller and smaller.

“Pidge? You awake?” Lance asked, trying not to eat her hair.

“Soooo, we were thinking of having dinner in the common room tonight, we think you should eat something before you turn in and we don’t want you to be alone just yet, also so you can be snuggled at all times... what do ya think?”

She smiled and scrunched her nose up with and enthusiastic ‘sure’.

“How bout I give you a lift?” Shiro smirked fondly as he squatted down and motioned for her to hop on his back.

They all had a good laugh at that, Keith and Lance joking about how they’ll never receive the same star treatment.

“I think it’s safe to say the meeting is rescheduled for the morning, sorry Lance!”

“Whateverrrr! The things I do for you, Pidge,” he laughed as they settled in on the couch, Hunk almost suffocating her when he was done serving their meal.

“I’m never letting go, I hope you are aware of that.”

“Not complaining, just... can I have my arm back? Thanks.”

“What was even on the drive—“

“We do not speak of... of that, Princess.”

“Pidge can run her diagnostics again before tomorrow’s meeting and then after that she’s on an electronic hiatus. Also everyone’s going to their rooms at curfew from now on, no exceptions. You people are humans and you need sleep!”

“But Shiro!”

“At curfew? Like at exactly curfew?”

“Yes Keith.”

“Space...“

“Lance. Lance, do not say it.”

“✨Space dad✨ has entered the chat.”

#pidge whump #voltron pidge #pidge gunderson #vld #vld anxiety #vld headcanons #vld fanfic #voltron whump #voltron fic #space dad #i am SORRY i had to #pidge angst #vld lance #soft comfort here #intense emotions #relatable anxiety #panic attack #could be triggering #voltron fandom

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frozenartscapes · 4 years

Text

The Others Were Sacrificed - FE3H Fic

I’m so sorry about this one...

---

“So...you’ve decided to turn against us after everything we gave you?”

Edelgard glared into the shadows. Thales was nothing more than a silhouette, but his presence still chilled the air around her nonetheless. “You’ve taken far more from me,” she spat, tightening her grip on her axe.

He chuckled, and she shuddered at the sound. “Then perhaps we should try to make things even,” he drawled, stepping forward into the light, “After all, we could still use a valuable weapon.”

“I’m done working with you,” she growled, “There is nothing you can offer that would bring me crawling back into the darkness.”

He cocked his head. “Isn’t there?” he asked, his voice smooth and dark as velvet.

“El?”

Her blood ran cold. She nearly dropped her axe but caught herself in time, and she whipped around to face the source of that voice. That...that painfully familiar voice...

Paler skin, and deep, red eyes, but the light brown hair, the soft features, the gentle smile - everything else was the same. Edelgard took a step back, shaking her head, refusing to believe her eyes.

That couldn’t be her big sister. Her big sister was...

“It’s me, El. It’s Abby.”

“Abagail...” Edelgard breathed.

“My, how you’ve grown. You’re just as tall as me, now,” Abagail said warmly. She took a step forward, and Edelgard took another step back. Abagail frowned. “What’s wrong, El? Didn’t you miss me?”

“I...” Edelgard stammered, before turning to face Thales. “What did you do?”

“I merely wanted to give something back to you, my dear,” Thales told her, “You’ve sacrificed so much for us, after all. It seemed only fair. We needed test subjects for our...grand...plan, and well, your family passed these tests with flying colours.”

Her breath caught in her throat. “My...my family?”

They stepped out of the darkness, then. All ten of them. Just like Abagail, they looked too pale, too sickly to be alive. Their eyes were an unsettling demonic red, but everything else about them...was the same. Like they had never been touched by the experiments that killed them. Like they had never grown older than her last memories of them.

They smiled, and greeted her fondly. The youngest, Millie, she came running right up to her and threw her arms around her legs before Edelgard could pull back. “I missed you, Edie!” Millie squealed with delight.

“This...this can’t be real... I...” She didn’t know what to believe. Her heart pounded furiously in her chest. Tears stung her eyes. She wanted this, oh how she wanted this to be true. But something was sinister here. Those eyes weren’t the eyes of her family. Anything Thales touched turned wicked... This couldn’t be true...

“Now, Edelgard,” Thales said, sauntering toward her. She couldn’t move, still bound by her baby sister’s tight hug, “Surely you missed your family? They missed you. And they’d like you back.”

“Yes, yes! Come back, Edelgard!” they all chorused, their chanting echoing in the darkened cavern so loudly it made her ears ring.

“Join us again. Give up this pointless fight and ally yourself with us. The world you seek cannot happen without our influence. You will always need our strength. And,” Thales gestured around to her revived siblings, “We can give you everything you ever wanted.”

“Please, Edie?” Millie begged, looking up at Edelgard with those big, unsettling red eyes, “Come back.”

“I...I can’t,” Edelgard stressed, “Not after everything. Those Who Slither need to be stopped. I’ve seen the light. I can’t go back to the darkness.”

Millie’s pleading expression shifted in an instance. Suddenly, a dark shadow was cast across her expression, and before Edelgard could react, the child released her and ripped her axe from her hands with inhuman strength. She tossed the axe to Edelgard’s eldest brother, who also had a sudden shift in his expression.

They all did.

“Oh, little El,” Thales sighed mockingly, “What a mistake you’ve made. There is still value to you, my dear, but I’m afraid you’ve run out of use as you are now. Fortunately, we can change that.”

Thales waved his hand, and her brother charged her. “Frederick, wait!” she cried. But her words fell on deaf ears. Frederick swung with unnatural speed, completely unfazed by the axe’s weight. She just barely managed to dodge, and as she recovered she reached to her holster and pulled out her sword. “I don’t want to do this!” she exclaimed as he rushed her again, forcing her to parry his attack.

He swung with so much force it sent the sword flying from her hands as well, leaving her down to a dagger as her only protection. Another brother, Ludwig, managed to get ahold of her sword and he joined the battle, too.

It became more a matter of staying on her feet than actually landing a hit. Both of her brothers had been expert fighters when they were alive, and it seemed that now as living dead they gained supernatural skills. She could barely move fast enough to avoid their blades, which were coming in with such unendingly strong blows that one hit would be all it took.

She forced out the thought of what Thales would do should she let that happen.

She needed her axe back. She’d have a chance if she could just get a hold of it... Frederick swung the axe forward and it grazed her side, slicing through a few layers of flesh. She cried out in pain, and mid-wince she noticed Ludwig thrusting the sword forward. Rather than dodging, she took advantage of the close-quarters and dropped to the ground. The sword came dangerously close to her head, taking a few strands of silver hair with it, but it made more devastating contact with Frederick’s arm.

Her brother cried out, and in his moment of weakness, she pushed herself up, dagger ready, and stabbed him square in the gut. As he staggered backward, he dropped the axe, and she dove for it.

Ludwig made a move toward her, sword ready to impale her. But she was faster. She rolled, taking the handle of the familiar weapon in her hand, and launched herself up, arching the blade up and over her head.

She took Ludwig’s off.

His body dropped to the floor, her sword clattering on the stone beside him. Undead or not, he still bled like a human.

There was a beat. She stared at the body of her dead brother, blood pouring from his headless neck. No, that wasn’t Ludwig... Or was it? She didn’t know. She didn’t know. For the first time in her life she almost retched at the sight of a dead enemy, the bile rising up burning in her throat.

But then all hell broke loose.

The rest of the siblings, if she could even call them that, became more demon than human. Weapon or no, they all launched themselves at her, shrieking like banshees and clawing at her like feral wolves. She was thrown out of her shock, and her mind quickly shut down into a battle state she had come to rely on as she fought former friends and classmates. All that mattered was the fight, and winning. Surviving. No matter the cost.

Brothers she used to get into mischief with, who used to teach her the proper way to hold a sword, who used to intimidate any snotty prince who tried to bug her. Sisters who used to do her hair, read her stories, play in the gardens with her. These monsters looked like them, had their faces and voices. But they were demons, now.

Everything Thales touched turned wicked...

It was only a few minutes. A few agonizing minutes. But she cut them all down. She was soaked in their blood. She bore scratches from one of them on her cheek. Tears streamed from her eyes. The unholy shrieks went silent, and all that was left was Millie.

Somehow she had gotten ahold of Edelgard’s dagger.

“Why did you do it, Edie?” she asked, her voice too sweet, too condemning for her precious sister, “We only wanted you back. You’re our sister.”

Edelgard’s breaths came out hard and irregular, exhaustion and sheer panic making it difficult for her to get any air into her lungs. She looked at the thing that held her sister’s form and thought she was going to damn near lose her mind. “Not you, too,” she uttered, begged, “Please, Millie...”

Millie stepped toward her, red eyes looking so innocent and pure...

She unsheathed the dagger.

Thwack!

Edelgard’s shoulder burned. She reached up carefully and pulled on the hilt of the dagger, removing the blade from her flesh.

Her little sister’s body lay before her, in two pieces.

Edelgard dropped her axe before falling to her knees. She sobbed, and screamed. Painful, raw, revolted screams. Her hands...her hands were covered in their blood.

“If you think this is over, then it’s not,” Thales’ voice echoed in the dark, “We’ll just bring them back. Again and again. And perhaps we will bring back more. All your little classmates you’ve had to put down over the years. Anyone you’ve lost. Perhaps your monstrous stepbrother? Your mother, even... They will never find peace. I will continue to use them, all of them, for my purposes until you either yield, or join me.”

He paused, and she could tell he was hovering right over her. “And if you think death is your only escape,” he said dangerously, kicking the head of one of her sisters closer to her, “Know that doing so will only make you that much easier to control.”

“El!”

“Hmm... Perhaps we can use her, too... Now she is no longer the Fell Star she should die easily.”

“El! I’m here, El!”

“Everyone you’ve ever loved can be used against you, little El. Especially her.”

“El! Wake up!”

Edelgard gasped as her eyes flew open. Someone was hovering over her in the darkness, and her mind - still convinced it was Thales - forced her fist to do something about it. Thankfully, Byleth had quick reflexes.

“Whoa! Whoa, easy, El! Easy...” she said, slowing her voice down as she gently lowered her wife’s fist away from her face, “Easy, it’s me. It’s ok. You’re safe.”

“B...Byleth?” Edelgard whispered, only then realizing that she wasn’t breathing. She took a few gasping breaths, struggling to fill her lungs, but fear still had them ensnared.

“It’s ok, El,” Byleth uttered, gently cupping her cheek in her hand, “Just focus on me. In... Out... In... Out...”

She wasn’t able to quite match the slow rhythm Byleth was guiding her toward, but she got close. She became more aware of her surroundings as she settled. The sheets were a tangled mess. Drying tear streaks felt sticky on her cheeks. Her throat was raw, as if she had been screaming all night.

Byleth looked more worried than she’d ever seen her.

“Was it that bad?” she croaked sheepishly. A stupid question, really. Every blink sent her back to the carnage of her dream.

Byleth swallowed hard. “You were...you were pretty deep in that one,” she admitted, “I’ve been trying to wake you up for a while, now. But you just...”

Edelgard winced. She had been doing well. Ever since defeating Rhea, since confessing her feelings to Byleth, her nightmares had started to diminish. Then she began her silent war against Those Who Slither, and they only started up again.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Edelgard gulped. Her mind flashed back to her dream, back to her zombified siblings turning into monsters and having to cut them all down with an axe. Her shoulder, side, and cheek still stung from the phantom pains of the wounds received in the nightmare. She could still hear their shrieks in her ears. She still felt their blood on her hands.

Thales’ threat sent a shiver down her spine.

She screwed her eyes shut as she felt fresh tears forming. She shook her head, desperate and frantic, and curled in on herself as the memories began to overwhelm her.

She felt Byleth settle beside her, pulling her gently toward her. Edelgard nestled close, pressing herself right up against Byleth’s chest. Listening for that wondrous heartbeat.

“Whatever happened in your dream, you don’t have to worry,” she whispered, softly running a hand through Edelgard’s hair, playing with the silver locks, “You’re here, with me. You’re safe.”

“And you’re safe,” Edelgard mumbled into Byleth’s chest, “I’ll keep you safe.”

Byleth chuckled softly. “I know you will, El,” she said fondly.

There were questions Edelgard wanted to ask, about what her dream meant. It felt...far too real to only be a dream. She shuddered again. Thales haunted her mind in ways she didn’t think possible. The lengths he would go to, what he could do, seemed to have no limit.

He could take everything from her. Again.

She was exhausted, and Byleth was warm. But the fear still remained, nagging at her for the rest of the night.

She held Byleth tight, praying she’ll never lose her like she lost them.

---

AN: I’m just saying... If the Agarthans can raise a dude who’s been dead for centuries and all his evil cohorts then why not a few kids? Especially if it would royally fuck with Edelgard’s head.

It’s a shame CF ends where it did. There could have been a lot of angsty goodness had they made Thales or another high-ranking Agarthan the final boss of that route. They’re the main cause of Edelgard’s trauma - and they know it, too. Hence how they were able to keep her on their side for so long.

She’s not a little kid anymore. She’s stronger, wiser, more powerful. In part, thanks to them. But in CF, she does something Those Who Slither would consider a mistake: she allowed herself to love. She made friends, a new family. It would be very easy to break her, all over again, should anything happen to that new family. I think she knows that, and would worry about it constantly.

Battling Rhea was about overcoming an oppressive, outside force. Battling TWSITD is about facing her own oppressive fears.

#fe three houses #tw blood #tw gore #shit gets dark #i'm sorry el #if it's any consolation i actually dialled it back a bit #fanfic

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pinkhairandadverbs · 5 years

Text

EBAS Episode 1: The War Against Giygas

1 EXT. GAS STATION - TWILIGHT

All we see is crimson static. After some time a still image of a gas station materializes. It appears hurriedly abandoned judging by the broken windows, open doors, and merchandise littering the ground.

Behind the pump is a street lined by several buildings in a similar state to the gas station. Flying saucers hover ominously in the sky, frozen in place. The static abides completely as we PULL OUT SLOWLY.

The first thing that becomes clear is that this is only a poster. A caption above and below the picture reads "IT IS EARTHBOUND / THE WAR AGAINST GIYGAS!" PULLING OUT FURTHER, we see it's on the wall of the very same

gas station. A loose corner of a poster bends in the hollow wind.

We hear it before we see it: a small lightning strike, startlingly close, sends shards of pavement and dust across the crimson skies.

In a moment we see the whole street. The saucers, now alive, zip across the deep red horizon in zigzagging patterns. They shoot bolts of lightning to the ground, upheaving asphalt and exploding empty cars.

Wind blows off the poster and carries it across the frame.

Static again. We hear the distant voice of an adolescent girl.

VOICE Hello. Can anyone hear me?

Through the static we see the scene again. A fire has erupted on one of the cars. A speck in the sky seems to be growing. Before long it's evidently a glowing meteor streaking across the sky, directly towards the scene!

VOICE I'm not sure if this is working. If anyone can hear me, please-

The meteor's glow engulfs the scene and the voice is halted by a loud CRASH.

2 INT. NESS'S BEDROOM - NIGHT (199X)

The same sound comes faintly now. NESS, 13-ish and still wide-eyed in striped pajamas, is stirred from his bed.

NESS Hello?

POV: Ness looks around his room, decorated with baseball and 90's video game memorabilia. PAN ACROSS.

He checks out the window to the forested suburban street. A fierce golden glow emanates from a nearby hilltop.

NESS What is that?

He rubs his eyes and gets out of bed.

3 INT. LIVING ROOM

Ness comes down the stairs to see his mother, dressed in a nightgown and already on the phone.

Ness's loyal dog, KING, lazily wags up to Ness and licks his hand.

NESS

Hi there King.

KING

(Telepathically)

Ness. There was a loud noise. It's dark but Mom's awake. I'm confused.

NESS So you heard it too... It wasn't a dream after all.

MOM

(To the phone)

-Yes honey, we're alright. We still have power and everything. Hold on, Ness just came down. (To NESS)

Ness. Did the noise wake you?

NESS

Yeah. What was it?

MOM

Must have been a transformer. Don't worry about it.

NESS

Can I go check it out?

MOM

Absolutely not! It's already far past your bedtime and-

Mom stops at the mischievous look on Ness's face.

MOM

-And you would just sneak out anyway, wouldn't you?

NESS

I don't know what you're talking about.

Mom smiles.

MOM

Change out of your jammies before you go.

Ness celebrates by jumping up and down and kissing Mom on the cheek.

NESS

Thanks, mom!!

4 EXT. NESS'S NEIGHBORHOOD

Ness shuts the front door behind him, now clad in a striped shirt and shorts. (Notably, the only thing missing from his signature attire is his backpack.)

He looks up at the glowing hilltop again.

5 EXT. HILLSIDE

Police cars line the wooded hillside path. Officers stand by roadblocks up the trail, blocking the way. Beyond them an intense glow emanates through the trees.

Ness comes up the trail and sees the police here. A friend of Ness's is also here, pestering the cops.

POKEY, 13-ish, is a bit taller and much wider than Ness. He's become a bit of a bully from years of parental abuse, but Ness still spends time with him.

POKEY

Come on! Just a peek! You know me, Mr. Officer Simmons! Just give me the scoop.

COP 1

No! Get out of here. Scram!

Pokey notices Ness and scrambles over to him.

POKEY

Ness! Buddy!

NESS

Pokey, what are you doing here?

POKEY

Listen. I'm glad you came. But the cops and I have the situation under control.

The cops perk up when they see Ness like a ray of hope.

COP 2

Ness, can you take care of this kid?

POKEY

We can't tell you what the glowing thing is right now, that's uh, classified information.

COP 1

We literally don't know what it is.

POKEY

I'll tell you all about the alien in the morning, when the uh press release comes out. But right now you're getting in the cops'- I mean, officers' way.

COP 1

It's not an alien.

NESS

Maybe we should both leave then... the police seem to be doing just fine without your help.

COP 2

Yes please!

POKEY

Oh no! I'm in charge here. Don't worry about me. You're bugging the officers, though. Look at them!

They turn to look at the cops, both very aggravated.

COP 2

Ness, help us out.

NESS

Pokey come here with me.

They turn their backs toward the officers.

POKEY

Yes, citizen?

NESS

What are you doing?

Pokey immediately drops his confident demeanor.

POKEY

I wanna see the meteorite! I'm this close to them letting me through.

Ness laughs.

NESS

Pokey, as long as the cops are here, we aren't getting near that. Let's come back some other time and nobody will be here to keep us out.

POKEY

That's... smart. This is why I keep you around, Ness! You always have the best ideas.

NESS

Glad I'm good for something.

The kids head down the hill. Ness turns back for a moment to look back at the hilltop. We get a few more seconds on the mysterious glowing object up the hill.

6 INT. LIVING ROOM

Ness enters, and his mom greets him.

MOM

Back so soon? What was it?

NESS

Something on the hill... It was so bright. The police beat me there so I couldn't get close, but Pokey and I are gonna check it out again later.

MOM

I think that's a wise choice. Night time is for sleeping.

NESS

Now that you mention it, I am pretty tired.

MOM

Good. Let's get you back to bed.

7 INT. NESS'S BEDROOM

Ness lays in bed, eyes open.

He turns to look at the glowing hilltop again.

Its aura is mysterious, yet inviting.

He rolls back over.

FADE TO BLACK

After a few moments, we hear an incessant knocking.

8 EXT. NESS'S FRONT PORCH

Mom opens the door and raises her eyebrows as Pokey, who we just now see was the one knocking, shouts in her face in a panic.

POKEY

Ness Ness Ness!!-- Oh. Good evening ma'am. You look lovely as usual.

Pokey holds back a snicker as Mom looks unamused.

MOM

Can I help you, Pokey?

POKEY

Is Ness in?

MOM

He's asleep, hopefully. I can take a message-

Ness comes down the stairs, just visible in his jammies through the doorway and with bags under his eyes.

NESS

Mom, what was that knocking-?

Pokey notices Ness and shoves his way into the house.

POKEY

Ness! The police left. Let's go check out the thing!

NESS

When I said later, I didn't mean two hours later. It's like 3 a.m.

POKEY

Okay but we have to go now.

NESS

Why?

POKEY

Uh... Picky ran away. I think he went up the hill. I need you to help me find him!

NESS

He's your brother, why can't you look for him yourself?

POKEY

It's not my fault! I blame the cops... Ness, if my dad gets back and his favorite son is gone, I know I'm gonna get it... Please, bestest friend, please?

Ness takes a moment to consider.

NESS

Okay. Let me get dressed.

POKEY

Yes! I knew I could count on you.

9 INT. LIVING ROOM

Ness comes through to the entryway where Pokey and Mom wait, back in his striped shirt and holding a baseball bat. Pokey stays out for a bit.

NESS

Alright I've got everything!

MOM

You're taking a bat?

NESS

Just in case.

MOM

Whatever you say.

Oh, and about Pokey... I know he's your friend, but he can still be kinda bossy. Don't let him push you around just because you've known each other for so long.

NESS

You know I can deal with Pokey. He's my closest friend but he's still a jerk. When he crosses the line, he'll know.

MOM

Good. Sometimes I worry about you.

King comes up and whines for Ness's attention.

KING

Ness, where are you going so late? Is this about that big boom earlier?

MOM

Oh. You should take King along with you too. He hasn't had a walk in days.

KING

No, no no. I don't want to do anything in the day, I DEFINITELY am not going anywhere at night.

NESS

Come on, King. It'll be real quick.

King whines in resignation.

POKEY

Okay, Ness! Ready to go? Let's blow this popsicle stand!

NESS

Let's go!

They head out.

10 EXT. HILLSIDE - NIGHT

Ness and Pokey search with flashlights down the hill from the scene earlier.

POKEY

Ok... You go on ahead. I'll follow you from a safe distance.

NESS

Pokey, there's nothing dangerous in Onett.

POKEY But there are... bears!

NESS

They haven't bothered us whenever we snuck out after dark before.

POKEY

I swear one almost attacked me on Eagle Day this year.

NESS

Are you sure that wasn't Lier in his bear suit? *snicker*

POKEY

*Chuckle* What's up with that guy, anyway?

NESS

Anyone who calls themself a professional treasure hunter has issues, man.

POKEY

Remember when we teepee'd his house?

NESS

Of course I do! He thought it was the Sharks, right?

PICKY

And then he started taking it all inside-

NESS

And he actually used it!

POKEY

He's crazy.

Their laughter takes a second to die off, leaving an uneasy chill in the air.

NESS

Maybe you're right though. Something feels off about tonight.

POKEY

Well there's the big glowing thing on the hill. Who knows what's next? This could just be the beginning.

NESS

Somehow I feel like it is.

King, in contrast, is panting on the incline.

KING

It feels like the end for me.

NESS

Come on King.

11 EXT. HILLTOP

PICKY, Pokey's intelligent but jumpy younger brother, lay sleeping by a tree...

Right next to the source of the bright glow. It is a meteorite, black with yellow fissures lining the surface and emitting the mysterious light. A massive crater of upheaven earth surrounds it, just missing the tree against which Picky lay.

The gang comes up the trail.

POKEY

Picky! Picky, where are you?

KING

I do not like the look of this place. Not one bit.

Ness stops to appreciate the meteorite.

NESS

So it was a meteorite...

Picky stirs and they spot him.

POKEY

There he is! Picky!

PICKY

Pokey? Why did you run off like that? I thought you were coming back.

POKEY

I- You don't know what you're talking about. You ran off! You're always like this. Ness, can you believe it? I'm a reasonable, responsible young man, and I'm stuck with watching this dumb, annoying, selfish little brother! Do you know what it's like to deal with someone like that?

Ness and Picky exchange glances in the awkward silence.

NESS

Let's go home, guys. We found Picky and we've all had enough commotion for one-

Ness is interrupted by a blinding flash of light from the meteorite, coupled with the sound of a sharp exhaust release.

They all jump away and duck for cover. King scampers around for a moment in a panic, then takes off running down the hill.

KING Okay, that's it! I'm outa here! If I knew it would be this scary I never would have come along in the first place!!

Now a beam of golden light pierces the sky from the meteorite, and widens to about a foot wide.

Ness stands back up and gazes in awe.

NESS

What on Earth...

POKEY God help! Oh my God! Oh my God...

A small black form emerges from the meteorite, slowly upward, mimicking an insect's movements.

This is BUZZ-BUZZ, a visitor from the future. He resembles a rhinoceros beetle with large fly wings.

NESS

Look!

PICKY

What is it?

Pokey dares a stolen look up.

POKEY

It's a bat!

NESS

It's a fly...

PICKY

It's a rhinoceros beetle!

BUZZ-BUZZ

A bee I am not!

The gang exchange glances.

PICKY

Well, that was my next guess.

#EarthBound #Mother 2 #Starmen.net #EarthBound: the Animated Series #Script #Story #Episode 1

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iwantthedean · 7 years

Text

Heavy

Summary: Sometimes even the love you want can be overwhelming.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1615

Warnings: ** TRIGGER WARNINGS ** Unintentional self-harm, OCD, blood. Hospital setting.

A/N: This is my entry for @thing-you-do-with-that-thing‘s anti-Valentine’s Day challenge; my prompt was Heavy In Your Arms by Florence + the Machine. It is also my entry for @letsgetoutalive‘s Mental Health Challenge; my prompt there was OCD. This is one of the darker fics I have written, just to warn you lovelies. I may or may not have given myself some anxiety writing this.

The stitches were not straight. Your skin was still burning from the pain of the stitches Sam had completed just minutes ago, but it felt as though the threads were small bugs crawling in and out of your flesh, begging to be ripped out. Stitches that weren’t exactly straight or symmetrical were not always something that had bothered you. Thanks to the tiny blue chill pill you took every morning, your obsessive-compulsive disorder was actually quite under control.

Until Dean.

The very thought of his name quickened your heart and urged your palm to rub lightly over the wound. Sam had intended to bandage the cut as soon as it was stitched, but an unknown lack of first aid supplies prevented him from doing so. And there you were, staring at those uneven stitches, with knots and tails of all sizes and lengths.

Dean peeked his head out of the bathroom. “Hey, Y/N, I’m gonna shower, all right?”

With the same guilt as if you had been caught stealing, you covered your newly-stitched laceration with your hand. “Sure. Don’t take all the hot water.”

He promised not to, his green eyes sparkling as he smiled at you before closing the door. You heard the shower start and, since the hunt was over and mending had begun, you knew he was going to be in there for a while. You had at least twenty minutes before Sam returned, and probably about the same amount of time before Dean was out of the shower.

Using your knife, you quickly and not so carefully snipped every little loop holding your skin together. The stitches had to come out, and they had to come out now.

It wouldn’t be like this if Dean had never admitted to falling in love with you. You were, of course, in love with him, too, and that had sent you spiraling out of control. You were happy. Shit, when had you ever been able to say that? But with that happiness came a certain fear: you were no longer in control of your life.

That burden weighed on you heavier than the love between you and Dean could support. You were no longer only worried about yourself; there was now the fear of losing someone who not only held your heart in the palm of his hand, but who had given you his heart so freely. The fact that it was Dean Winchester, well, that only made things worse.

This was how it always started, with feeling out of control. It was your biggest trigger and stuffing it down, keeping it to yourself, had made things worse as your relationship with Dean progressed. Your hands tingled with the urge to take your life back from him and yell that it was yours, that he had no right to come in and love you and make you wish for anything other than what you’d always had.

He was singing Metallica in the shower while you pulled the tiny strings from your arm. The holes they left behind bled only a little, and you used the already-bloody towel still on the table to stop that bleeding. You threaded the needle again, took a deep breath, and began to stitch. You wished you could remove the part of your heart Dean inhabited and stitch it closed.

At first, being with Dean had felt like the best way to be out of control. There was no telling what was coming next for the two of you, how far things would go. The reality of your lives hit quickly. Brush after brush with death reminded you that your love could be taken away just as suddenly as it had come into your life. You no longer made decisions only for yourself. Then there was the thing -- the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back.

The compulsions started out small, excusable, like they always did. You cleaned your gun twice through, just to be sure. You rearranged the dishes in the kitchen cabinet because you were tired of the brothers leaving everything cluttered. You squared and balanced all the books in the library for some need for order. You organized all the weapons in the trunk of the Impala.

Even being out of control got out of control. You were counting to five at every chance you got, putting needless numbers of bullets or stab wounds into creatures who needed no more than one strike to be taken down. You were repeating exorcisms five times, finishing the Latin recitations long after the demon was bound back to Hell.

This wasn’t working. You were at a strange angle, trying to stitch your own forearm with your left hand when you were right-handed. Although you had nearly stitched the whole gash closed again, you pulled the thread out, used the towel to stop the bleeding, and threaded the needle again.

It was your fourth time working over your arm, the fifth overall, when Sam walked back in the room.

“Y/N, what the hell!” he exclaimed.

Blood was pooling beneath your arm, and the flesh was no longer a clean incision but a ragged, open tear. The bright red of fresh blood contrasted sharply against your skin; it stung only a little when Sam pressed the towel against your arm to hold pressure. Dean came out from the bathroom moments later in a fresh t-shirt and jeans, saw the blood, and asked the same thing Sam had.

You only started to cry when you saw the fear in his eyes. Honestly, you had expected panic or some sort of disgust. It snapped you out of your obsession with the stitches and you realized what you had done.

“Baby, what the hell happened?” he repeated, quieter this time. He approached you carefully, as though any sudden movements might spook you into making things worse. As you continued to cry, Sam continued to hold pressure, and Dean knelt in front of you. “Did you do this on purpose?”

You shook your head fervently. “No, I swear! Sam did an amazing job on the stitches but they weren’t straight. I needed them to be straight. I thought I could do it myself …”

You trailed off then, sniffling back any more tears. “I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right,” he assured, taking your other hand in his. The blood on your left hand smeared onto his calloused palm and fingers, but somehow, you were comforted. You were no longer in this alone.

At least somebody was in control.

At the hospital, it was just you and Dean. Sam stayed behind to clean up the blood you had left on the table. You felt horrible for worrying both of them and knew that Sam, as the more sensitive brother, would require a one-on-one discussion later. You were okay with that, and you appreciated that he gave you some alone time with Dean first.

Since your bleeding was managed, you had a decent wait before you could get back into a room and see a doctor. While the two of you waited, you worked up the courage to tell Dean what had set you off. If you didn’t tell him now, it would come out in the exam room. Better to just come clean and let him process before someone else was getting the news, too.

“I’ve never had what we have,” you started. “I love you, but loving you and having you love me back, it also makes me feel out of control. I don’t just have me to worry about, and I have more to consider than just myself when I make decisions. I care if you’re going to leave me or die. Dean, I never thought I would have this, but I love you so much …”

“I love you too, Y/N,” he said, as genuine as you had ever heard him. “I knew things weren’t great, but I had no idea they were this bad. I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you about it sooner.”

“You knew?”

Dean shrugged. “I figured it wasn’t really fear putting all those bullets into monsters. And when I realized it was always in multiples of five, I knew. I didn’t want to make it worse. You’ve always had your OCD under control as long as I’ve been around you, and I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry it came to this before I could step up.”

You swallowed hard; it was time for you to step up. “There’s more. Something that really set things off this time. Something that is making me feel even more out of control because I don’t know how you’re going to react and how we’re going to handle this. I had not knowing.”

“Then let’s find out, babe. I’m not going anywhere.”

You swallowed hard again. “I found out for sure this morning that I -- I’m pregnant. It isn’t just me and you I have to worry about, it’s this whole other life, this whole other living thing -- a fucking person! I’m responsible for a living person!”

Dean took your mild panic attack in stride. He hugged you tight, stroked your hair, and didn’t say anything. When you were able to compose yourself, he kissed you softly on the forehead.

“You’re not in this alone, you know. I never thought I would have this reaction to that kind of news, but Y/N, I’m happy. I want a baby with you.”

“You do?”

Suddenly, it all seemed so silly. Dean nodded and you broke out in a smile, and all the anxiety washed away. You were suddenly in control again because it all finally clicked: you didn’t have to be in control alone.

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