I recall someone else posting this pic with a similar observation, but I just love how Wes is grabbing Fred’s whole titty while he’s just being a weird little creature for the cameras. I’m jealous.

"Dipper this feels demeaning." Henry frowned as Dipper put the last backpack leash on the triplets, who began lashing each other, albeit ineffectively, with the slack leashes.

"I don't know da meaning of that word," Dipper said, though it came out deadpan because his heart wasn't in it. Christ he was tired

"Is this a reference to your childhood that I'm supposed to get even though I wasn't there?" Henry was a little punchy today but in his defense, he was tired too.

They were all tired. The triplets had had a cold that lasted for them 2 minutes and for the adults, 2 weeks. As the only adult still standing, Dipper had volunteered to take the toddlers out. thus the child leashes.

"You know, the kids are pretty good about holding hands," Henry pointed out, settling back into the divot he made on the couch.

Dipper smiled condescendingly. "Trust me Henry, I got this."

Henry looked over the back of the couch and sighed.

“Girls.”

Dipper looked over and squawked as he saw Willow gleefully putting her leash around the neck of a giggling Acacia

They stopped as soon as they saw their adults looking at them, and Dipper tried not to squirm under the Look Henry gave him. Whatever, this was going to work, Dipper KNEW it.

“All right monsters-“ The triplets giggled at that, like they always did. “Let’s go to Costco !”

———-

Truthfully, Dipper would have preferred to have an arm for a kid, but unfortunately the only Costco in the area was all the way in Bend, where the tolerance for Gravity Falls level shenanigans was at nil.

It always made him a little nervous, cosplaying as a human in Bend- anywhere else, he didn't give a fuck, but close enough where any blow back would land on his family? Dipper could already feel sweat beading at the small of his back.

He began to walk forward on the sidewalk- and then paused. The kids were just standing there, tiny adorable backpacks around tiny little baby fat tummies. How was this supposed to work? Like was he supposed to yank the leash and they walked forward? But the leash was three feet long and what if they tripped and this was beginning to feel uncomfortably like dog walking.

"Come on guys, we need to start shopping."

Thankfully Acacia and Willow began toddling forward, but Hank stood stock still, which was deeply unfair because Hank was the one triplet Dipper was relying upon to actually listen to him.

"Hank."

"No."

"Hank buddy-"

"No!"

"Hank, your sisters are right next to me-"

In response, Hank immediately sat on the ground, made sure Dipper was looking him dead in the eye, and then laid on his stomach and oh god was he licking the concrete? He was absolutely licking the concrete.

Dipper looked at the girls, only to see that Willow had managed to twirl in such a way that her entire leash was around her neck and-

"Where's Acacia?"

Willow looked at the empty backpack where her sister had been all of twenty fucking seconds ago, and went "Don' know."

Normally, the only thing Dipper loved more than anything on Earth, was being right.

He snapped and a shopping cart rolled over to them. Ignoring the nasty looks from some of the shoppers in the parking lot, he put first Willow, in, then hauled up Hank by his overalls and gently put him next to Willow in the seat.

"Don't tell your dad," Dipper muttered as he finally managed to get them through the front door, flashing his card as he frantically looked for a blaze of curly red hair.

(they told Henry within the first fifteen seconds of being home.)

TSK on a trip to Target

(I went to target yesterday and I though of this while I was shopping hehe, I hope you feel better Kay!!!!)

-Tyler makes sure to watch over everyone (with the animal backpacks that have the leashes)

-Tyler blinks and everyone just leaves him 

-Then he just makes his way to the electronics area, checks out video games and gadgets 

-Kay’s in the produce area, checking for pineapples but there’s only one left

-Almost fought a karen for it but they ended getting the pineapple

- also plans on running over all the karens with their shopping cart

-Kendrick makes his way to the toy area and finds a nerf gun without a package

-AND THINKS IT’S A GOOD IDEA TO SHOOT HIS SURROUNDINGS until one of the foam bullets knocks a glass vase from the home area and breaks :D

-Gives the gun to a random kid in a shopping cart and DASHES-

-Buni makes her way to costco (jkjkjk)

-She’s surprised that Target has free samples, I mean this is a rare thing

-So she makes her way over and get’s a much samples as possible but gets upset when the worker says no more

-CEO of disguises to get more food :)))

-They all meet up at the pizza hut to get something to eat

-It was a nice trip overall :D (rip glass vase)

-✨ anon

Kay: NOT THE LEASH-

PLEASE I LOVE THIS

AHHHHHHH I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

Nb Kay is going to run them over no matter what.

Hello, can i please have a headcanon of Gundham, Kazuichi, Leon, Kiyotaka and mondo, who try to comfort their S/O who is very stress because their family think be bigender is "not normal" ?

Thanks for the request! I don’t know that I can write for a bigender reader as far as their perspective goes, so these headcanons are all just about comfort and the way the boys react to your distress from your not-so-understanding family.Hopefully, they’re all in character.

No cut; let me know if you’d like one. Icon credit to phasedistort! Here we go!

Gundham, Kazuichi, Leon, Kiyotaka, & Mondo Comforting Bigender! S/O Headcanons

Gundham Tanaka

He’s never been really great at comforting people or had great people skills in general, truthfully. He wonders how he even managed to get as lovely of a s/o as you!

But to see you in such distress after coming out to your family makes his heart ache, so if you’re crying or moping, he’ll sit next to you and offer grandiose affirmations in the chuunibyou language he speaks as well as a box of tissues. “O Majestic Ruler, you are above any of the plebeians that cry false, disparaging claims about your utterly sublime character and state of being!”

He’ll bring you comfort food like ice cream and cookies, or whatever you like to eat! If it has meat, he might be kind of reluctant, but seeing your face, he’ll agree.

And oh, does he have the ultimate cuddlers with him. The hamsters are kind of small to cuddle, but he has no problem getting you dogs, cats, bunnies, or whatever else you’d like to pet. You know Gundham, he’d probably even leash and tame a bear so you could hug it–that is, if you dare.

If you’re allergic to fur, that’s pretty sad, but he’ll go to costco to get a huge teddy bear or your bedroom if you have some at home so you can have something soft & cuddly!

Oh, but if you ask to cuddle him… He’s gonna be severely shy, so you’d probably have to hunt him down or tackle him. Or he’ll accept, seeing the state you’re in, while his cheeks are permanently dyed a gloriously deep red.

If you cuddle him in bed at night while sleeping, he’s probably not going to sleep the entire night although he won’t admit it, so you should probably spare him and hug the teddy bear instead. He gets pretty out of it when he doesn’t have his sleep.

Gundham’s there for you all the way, behind the scenes! He’s your errand boy and cuddly toy, even if he won’t say so himself.

Kazuichi Souda

He’s another one of the type that is unsure about how to deal with distressed people, so he will be at your beck and call and asks you constantly if there’s anything he can do for you, to the point that you might find it a little annoying, although his devotion to you is endearing.

If you ask him to help you through the holidays with your family by going with you back to your home, where your presence has not been requested but required despite their discomfort with your gender, he’ll be honored that you feel like you can rely on him with such an important job.

Your family might not be too approving of your boyfriend, seeing his bright pink hair and the way he looks kind of like a delinquent…but to them, at least it proves that you can love normally despite being bigender, so they’ll kind of accept him. Kind of.

There are, of course, times when your family, not thinking being bigender is normal, will make bigoted comments about your sexuality at the dinner table, which will definitely rile him up. You’ll have to reach under the table and squeeze his hand to keep him from standing up or arguing with them.

After the dinner, he’ll rant to you about your family and then shut up abruptly, realizing that they are still your family. You’ll have to reassure him that it’s okay, and you know he has good intentions.

His reactions–or what would have been, at least–make you feel a bittersweet joy, because you know that he’s on your side and expresses what you wish you could to your family.

When you cry, it’s enough for him to want to pick up the phone and give your family an angry phone call or storm over there, but you always stop him, knowing it won’t solve anything.

To control his anger, he’ll go to his garage and fiddle with his gadgets, where he might just make a mini-you robot. Or a hundred of them. Depends on his mood. 

This boy will get angry on your behalf, and if it’s not your family making you cry, he’ll gladly go and take them down a peg, never mind that being a mechanic isn’t particularly intimidating.

Leon Kuwata

Here’s another one with a hot-blooded temper and will actually argue with your family after they say something about how being bigender is abnormal or how you must be mistaken about your gender; apart from words, even physically making contact with him won’t calm him down, and your strength is hardly enough to hold back the Ultimate Baseball Player.

You don’t take him back with you for the holidays when you go to see your family because he simply can’t control himself, but he will check in on you over text and phone calls everyday.

If he ever finds out you’re crying at your family’s house, he’ll probably jump on a plane, train, car, or public transportation to get to your family’s home so he can comfort you. And maybe beat someone up.

When you’re thinking about the whole situation and feel down, Leon will play some music for you on the guitar, maybe sing as he strums some tunes. He’ll encourage you to sing along if you have the spirits, but won’t be pushy about it. 

He might even suggest playing a simple game of catch, if it’ll take your mind off of things. Doing something single-mindedly can help get you out of your funk, according to him, and throwing a ball around is surprisingly meditative.

When you just want to be comforted, Leon will let you sit in his lap, let you rest your head in his lap, cover you in lots of blankets.

If you eat tons of ice cream or other comfort foods, he’ll eat with you.

Overall, Leon’s kind of a wild card with lots of anger, but he will offer plenty of camaraderie no matter what’s going on.

Kiyotaka Ishimaru

You know how he is–he gets riled up easily, but as he doesn’t condone violence, he would never try to fight your family, at least not physically. Word are another story, but he’ll sit, beg and lay down, whatever you command, since they are your family.

He will have lots of healthy coping methods for the stress you accumulate in his back pocket! Or he’ll research them for you, like the sweet & caring cinnamon roll he is.

He’ll try all the coping methods with you, one by one! He’s probably not a big believer of meditation or praying, but whatever helps you–he just wants you to feel better and deal with your stress in a healthy way!

When you begin to cry, hyperventilate, or panic, he’ll sit you down at the couch and rub soothing circles on your back while murmuring affirmations to you. About every ten minutes, he might check in with you and ask if you’re feeling better, worse, or the same, and if there’s anything he can do to help.

If you ask to cuddle, he might object and say it’s indecent with red painted all over his cheeks, but if you give him a puppy dog look, he’ll agree reluctantly. He’ll likely be very stiff and nervous, but will relax over time. Maybe.

When you’re wanting to eat something, he’ll suggest healthy foods too, like carrots or celery, which are crunchy enough that you can maybe take out some of your anger on them without eating anything too bad for your body.

But if you want ice cream, chips or sweets, he’ll oblige–but he’ll insist on buying it for you so he can check the ingredients and choose the best options from the selection of not so healthy foods.

You can count on him if you want to bring him back for the holidays not to do anything drastic, though he might have a couple outbursts. He just loves you too much, he can’t help it if someone else is causing you to suffer or saying horrible things about you!

He’s just a sweet boy who will try to make sure you cope with all the stress in a way that is healthy and conducive to yourself and the people around you for your own good.

Mondo Oowada

You know him, he has the shortest temper of them all. There is absolutely no way you’d ever bring him back home over the holidays for support because he’d end up causing you more anxiety over fights rather than giving you peace of mind as you weather the storm. Although the sight of him would probably be more than enough to stop your family from making ignorant and hurtful comments.

You know he’d jump on his motorbike and ride over to rescue you and maybe punch out the lights of some people there, so you try to ride the rollercoaster of emotions, take good care of yourself, make sure you are in good shape for daily calls with him, and for the most part it works.

Sometimes when you mention a comment from your family about how bigender probably wasn’t a thing and that you were just going through a phase, he starts ranting about them and swearing loudly, forgetting that technically, you’re just as capable of doing so yourself if you want to.

Otherwise, you mostly use him as a giant teddy bear–albeit, his chest is more muscular than soft.

You like to cling onto him and beg for piggyback rides, though, and when he asks if you’re a kid in an irritated manner, you answer that you are when he’s around, so he bends down to let you climb on. His gruff manner does nothing to disguise his love for you, which is comfort in itself.

When you break down in front of him, he feels powerless and helpless, not knowing how he could ever lift you up. But he doesn’t let his selfish desire to remain in control take over; he accompanies you through the long night, staying at your side loyally and holding you close.

If you’re fine with it, he’ll ask to take you on a ride on his motorcycle in the dead of night, the comfortable breeze combing through your hair and the moon guiding your journey down countless empty streets.

He is super down for comfort food. Greasy fast food? Sugary ice cream? Bags and bags of salty chips? He’ll take you anywhere and buy you anything–heck, he’ll eat all the same things, too.

He’s a solid partner when you need support; he doesn’t succumb to the pressures of a toxic masculinity culture and especially not when he takes care of you, because he knows it’s all about you when you ask him to be there for you. He’ll be vulnerable with you, too, if you want.

Being Alone, Andrew Bogut, and Animals: Brownie Pie 25472 Iyears 6 months, 55 lbs riend At Manhattan ACC waiting for love Young & Handsome Friendly affectionate, playful, will need basic training, micro- chipped, up to date on vaccines NEUTERED & Ready To Go Home Today! **** TO BE KILLED - 4/25/2018 **** YOUNG, HANDSOME, NEUTERED & READY TO GO HOME <3 A volunteer writes: Eager to get out and show the world just what it's been missing, Brownie Pie is a bright-eyed young cutie with all the energy and chutzpah you'd expect to be hiding behind that mischievous smile and he's looking for a sidekick who can keep up the pace! His previous family didn't have the time to give him the attention he craves but he enjoyed 3 walks a day and I had to laugh when reading the comment that he pulls lightly on leash but off leash he's 'hard to catch'. Sure sounds like the Brownie Pie I know! We're told Brownie liked to follow his people around and play fetch with balls or squeaky toys and that he already knows commands for come, sit, down, stay, paw and even 'go to bed.' Playgroup is a bit intimidating at first but once he's spent a few minutes with new doggie friends Brownie loosens up and joins in the fun and we're told he's even cool with cats, meeting them with tolerance and respect. Around two-legged company he's all about the zoomies, running the yard from end to end and jumping up to shove my side after he's done so a home with no small kids would definitely be the best fit for this baby kangaroo. Friendly, affectionate, playful and pushy, Brownie Pie is ready to roll right out the door and into your arms, ask to meet him today! BROWNIE PIE@MANHATTAN ACC Hello, my name is Brownie Pie My animal id is #25472 I am a desexed male brown dog at the Manhattan Animal Care Center The shelter thinks I am about 1 years 6 months, 55 lbs Came into shelter as owner surrender Apr. 17, 2018 Reason Stated: NO TIME Brownie Pie is at risk for behavior reasons. Brownie Pie is fearful, and coupled with a high level of nervous energy, this risks translating into fear aggression, and we have seen his in-kennel behavior deteriorating recently. We recommend that Brownie Pie would be best suited to an adult only home. Medically, we have no concerns for Brownie Pie, who presents as a healthy dog. My medical notes are... Weight: 55.2 lbs Vet Notes Post Surgery Note 17/4/2018 DVM Intake Exam Estimated age: 1.5 years Microchip noted on Intake? POS Microchip Number (If Applicable):911002001478905 History: owner surrender Subjective:BAR Observed Behavior -friendly and energetic initially but tensed with more restraint and then started growling during tech check Evidence of Cruelty seen -n Evidence of Trauma seen -n Objective BCS 5/9 EENT: Eyes clear, ears clean, no nasal or ocular discharge noted Oral Exam:muzzled for exam as precaution; mm appear pk/moist, adult dentitia with no significant tartar/staining PLN: No enlargements noted H/L: NSR, NMA, CRT < 2, Lungs clear, eupnic ABD: Non painful, no masses palpated U/G: male intact, 2 scrotal testicles MSI: Ambulatory x 4, skin free of parasites, no masses noted, healthy hair coat CNS: Mentation appropriate - no signs of neurologic abnormalities Rectal:grossly normal Assessment 1. Healthy young adult Prognosis:good Plan: -no further treatment SURGERY: Okay for surgery 21/04/2018 S:O - incision site looks healthy. No signs of inflammation or discharge A- healing appropriately P - benign neglect Details on my behavior are... Behavior Condition: 3. Yellow Behavior History Behavior Assessment Upon intake Brownie Pie allowed all handling. He had a very loose body and wagging tail. He had a healthy appetite for office treats, allowed being collared and allowed being placed inside of a kennel. Date of Intake: 4/17/2018 Spay/Neuter Status: Unknown Basic Information:: Bronie Pie is a roughly 1 year old dog whom was gotten from a friend and kept in the same home for about a year. Unfortunately due to no time he was unable to be kept. Previously lived with:: 2 adults How is this dog around strangers?: Around strangers he is described as friendly and plays exuberantly How is this dog around children?: Around children he is described as playful and plays somewhat rough. How is this dog around other dogs?: Around other dogs he is described as playful and plays somewhat rough How is this dog around cats?: Around cats he is described as tolerant Resource guarding:: He has no known resource guarding issues. Bite history:: He has no known bite histories Housetrained:: Yes Energy level/descriptors:: High energy level Other Notes:: Brownie is described as hard to control, barks a lot and is afraid of being restrained and being given a bath. He isn't bothered with having his food or toys touched, being disturbed while asleep, being brushed or having his nails trimmed. He will bark when unfamiliar people approach his home or owner but quickly becomes relaxed and enjoys their company. Has this dog ever had any medical issues?: No For a New Family to Know: Brownie is described as friendly, affectionate, playful, pushy and excitable. He will follow you around, enjoys playing fetch with balls or squeak toys and was being fed Costco Brand dry dog food 2-3 times a day. He is well behaved when he is left alone, does well inside of a crate, knows the commands sit, come, down, stay, paw and go to bed. He was being walked 3 times a day, pulls lightly on leash and off leash he is hard to catch. Date of intake:: 4/17/2018 Spay/Neuter status:: No Means of surrender (length of time in previous home):: Owner Surrender (In home for 1 year) Previously lived with:: Adults Behavior toward strangers:: Friendly and exuberantly playful Behavior toward children:: Playful, somewhat rough at play Behavior toward dogs:: Playful, somewhat rough at play Behavior toward cats:: Tolerant Resource guarding:: None reported Bite history:: None reported Housetrained:: Yes Energy level/descriptors:: Brownie Pie is described as friendly, affectionate, playful, pushy, and excitable a high level of activity. Date of assessment:: 4/19/2018 Look:: 2. Dog's eyes are averted, body posture is stiff and fearful, tail is low and not moving. Dog allows head to be held loosely in Assessor's cupped hands. Sensitivity:: 3. Dog stands tall and square, tail perpendicular to spine, mouth closed for the majority of the assessment item. Tag:: 2. Dog is not fearful, but is unresponsive when touched. Approaches the Assessor when the game ends (may need coaxing to approach). Dog is focused on stimuli other than the Assessor. Paw squeeze 1:: 1. Dog gently pulls back his/her paw. Paw squeeze 2:: 1. Dog gently pulls back his/her paw. Flank squeeze 1:: Item not conducted Flank squeeze 2:: Item not conducted Toy:: 1. Minimal interest in toy, dog may smell or lick, then turns away. Summary:: Brownie Pie appeared very alert in the assessment room, having a tense body and focusing on the exit and sounds he heard outside the room. He approached the assessor and remained tense, with his tail up and hackles raised. He allowed all handling. Summary:: Based on observation made by the previous owner and while in our care, Brownie Pie may benefit from slow introductions to respectful dogs. A period of decompression is recommended to allow Brownie Pie time to acclimate into a new environment. Summary (1):: 4/18: When introduced off leash to the female greeter dog, Brownie Pie appears fearful. He stiffens when solicited with play. Summary (2):: 4/19: Brownie Pie begins to open up and engage in play. He initially appears a bit tense, opens up more once comfortable. Date of intake:: 4/17/2018 Summary:: Brownie Pie had a loose body and allowed handling. Date of initial:: 4/17/2018 Summary:: Brownie Pie was social and active but tensed with restraint and growled. ENERGY LEVEL:: Brownie Pie's previous owner described him as having a high level or activity. He is a young, enthusiastic dog who will need daily mental and physical activity to keep him engaged and exercised. We recommend long-lasting chews, food puzzles, and hide-and-seek games, in additional to physical exercise, to positively direct his energy and enthusiasm. IN SHELTER OBSERVATIONS:: 4/24 Update Brownie Pie remains aloof in the care center during interactions with his behavior appearing to deteriorate in kennel (hard barking at times upon approach, lunging/barking when dogs pass by). We cannot be certain if any other behavior is suppressed due to the stress of the shelter environment though recommend exercising appropriate management to best set Brownie Pie up for success. A period of decompression in highly advised before introduction to new and unfamiliar situations. BEHAVIOR DETERMINATION:: ADULT ONLY HOME Behavior Asilomar: TM - Treatable-Manageable Recommendations:: No children (under 13) Recommendations comments:: No children (under 13): Due to the tense body language during SAFER and aloof behavior Brownie Pie has displayed in the care center, we are recommending an adult only home to allow for a period of decompression before exposure to new and unfamiliar situations. Force-free, reward based training only is advised. Potential challenges: : Fearful/potential for defensive aggression,Kennel presence Potential challenges comments:: Fearful/potential for defensive aggression: Brownie Pie appeared on high alert during his assessment, having a high tail and raised hackles. During his medical work up, he growled. Due to these behaviors combined with the aloof behavior he displays during one-one interactions, we recommend going slow with Brownie Pie to assess that he is comfortable with all social interactions. He should always be given the opportunity to walk away from interactions if he chooses to. Kennel Presence: While we cannot be certain if this behavior will appear in any other contexts, in highly emotionally charged or stressful environments Brownie Pie may show behavior similar to what he is currently demonstrating in his kennel. We recommend potential adopters be comfortable managing this behavior and keeping themselves safe in any similar future situations. * TO FOSTER OR ADOPT * If you would like to adopt a dog on our “To Be Killed” list, and you CAN get to the shelter in person to complete the adoption process *within 48 hours of reserve*, you can reserve the dog online until noon on the day they are scheduled to die. We have provided the Brooklyn, Staten Island and Manhattan information below. Adoption hours at these facilities is Noon – 8:00 p.m. (6:30 on weekends) HOW TO RESERVE A “TO BE KILLED” DOG ONLINE (only for those who can get to the shelter IN PERSON to complete the adoption process, and only for the dogs on the list NOT marked New Hope Rescue Only). Follow our Step by Step directions below! *PLEASE NOTE – YOU MUST USE A PC OR TABLET – PHONE RESERVES WILL NOT WORK! ** STEP 1: CLICK ON THIS RESERVE LINK: https://newhope.shelterbuddy.com/Animal/List Step 2: Go to the red menu button on the top right corner, click register and fill in your info. Step 3: Go to your email and verify account Step 4: Go back to the website, click the menu button and view available dogs. It should read, "reserve in progress". That is YOUR reserve. Step 5: Scroll to the animal you are interested and click reserve STEP 6 ( MOST IMPORTANT STEP ): GO TO THE MENU AGAIN AND VIEW YOUR CART. THE ANIMAL SHOULD NOW BE IN YOUR CART! Step 7: Fill in your credit card info and complete transaction Animal Care Centers of NYC (ACC) nycacc.org At-Risk Animals Thank you for your interest in adopting from Animal Care Centers of NYC. Our At Risk List is posted each day (except Saturday) at 6:00PM and remains viewable until 12:00PM noon the following day. newhope.shelterbuddy.com HOW TO FOSTER OR ADOPT IF YOU *CANNOT* GET TO THE SHELTER IN PERSON, OR IF THE DOG IS NEW HOPE RESCUE ONLY! You must live within 3 – 4 hours of NY, NJ, PA, CT, RI, DE, MD, MA, NH, VT, ME or Norther VA. Please PM our page for assistance. You will need to fill out applications with a New Hope Rescue Partner to foster or adopt a dog on the To Be Killed list, including those labelled Rescue Only. Hurry please, time is short, and the Rescues need time to process the applications. Shelter contact information Phone number (212) 788-4000 Email [email protected] Shelter Addresses: Brooklyn Shelter: 2336 Linden Boulevard Brooklyn, NY 11208 Manhattan Shelter: 326 East 110 St. New York, NY 10029 Staten Island Shelter: 3139 Veterans Road West Staten Island, NY 10309 Available Animals Thank you for your interest in adopting from Animal Care Centers of NYC. Our At Risk List is posted each day (except Saturday) at 6:00PM and remains viewable until 12:00PM noon the following day. newhope.shelterbuddy.com

We’ve All Become Karen

By Don Hall

Unpopular opinion: 

If you decide to go into a public place after the stay-at-home orders have been lifted and refuse to wear a face mask out of some sort of Don’t Tread On Me bullshit, you’re an asshole.

Also:

If you decide to go into the same public place dutifully and responsibly wearing a face mask and decide to scold and video the guy refusing to wear one because ‘Murika,’ you’re just as much an asshole as he is.

Yes. This means you, Staten Island grocery shoppers. It also means you, Las Vegas CostCo customer.

Both on the Right and the Left, the church-goers and the atheists, the white feminists and Black Twitter, we have gradually become an entire nation devoted to other people’s business. We have decided that YouTube and Twitter are the HR department of society and, if we can find some perceived wrongdoing and expose it to Public Opinion Squad, we’ll get a cookie and a pat on the back (but only with consent beforehand).

The irony of the “Karen Calls the Manager” meme is that we are all Karen. 

Sure, the easy part is identifying the Karens who call the police on black kids selling water or on a black delivery driver she doesn’t recognize. A bit more biting is the realization that the jackass demanding better customer service and threatening “Call Corporate” while filming the exchange on his phone is also Karen. The busybody citizen who stops to film the police pulling over a car or films a woman who failed to pick up her dog’s shit in a park are Karens as well.

Whether you want to accept it or not, the very act of pulling out your smartphone to film someone is a provocative act. It automatically signals an escalation. It is only different from Karen calling 911 and feigning fear in that her call is to a limited number of people; yours is broadcast to millions. No smartphone filming the incident, very likely a completely different outcome.

From both popular culture and the high school hallways, we know there is no honor in being a snitch but we also make a exceptions for a nobler version we call whistleblowing. Whistleblowing is snitching on the very powerful and very corrupt. Unless that careless shitbird who refuses to wear his COVID mask is very powerful or very corrupt, your video of him being confronted makes you Karen. Petty, small, and erroneously invested with the power to attempt to control the behavior of others as if you have been appointed Community Watchman.

Minding your own business and taking care of your own behavior has become a thing if the past. Today, everyone is looking for someone else to break some sort of rule, make some cultural faux pas that can then be thrown up online to incite the public pileup.

Why have we all become Karen?

In the game theory example known as The Prisoner’s Dilemma 

Two members of a criminal gang are arrested and imprisoned. Each prisoner is in solitary confinement with no means of communicating with the other. The prosecutors lack sufficient evidence to convict the pair on the principal charge, but they have enough to convict both on a lesser charge. 

Simultaneously, the prosecutors offer each prisoner a bargain. Each prisoner is given the opportunity either to betray the other by testifying that the other committed the crime, or to cooperate with the other by remaining silent. The possible outcomes are:*

If A and B each betray the other, each of them serves two years in prison

If A betrays B but B remains silent, A will be set free and B will serve three years in prison

If A remains silent but B betrays A, A will serve three years in prison and B will be set free

If A and B both remain silent, both of them will serve only one year in prison (on the lesser charge).

Self interest and potential reward motivates most of us. Most of us, if put in the position of one of the prisoners in the example, would rat out the other out of nothing but the possibility of being set free. This, however, counts on the probability that the other prisoner will not turn on us, that the other has a more developed sense of honor than we do. That probability is low.

We have all become Karen because, at least in part, we get a surge of status when we put on our Scout Badge and decide to police one another’s behavior. We want to film it on the off chance the person we are correcting will act out. The act of filming it instigates the moment, makes it aggressive, and increases the probability of bad reaction. Call it the Karen’s Dilemma.

Two members of society are out in the world minding their own business. One breaks a minor rule. The other decides to police the situation.

If A is corrected by B and ignores the correction and B walks away, there is no conflict.

If B pulls out a smartphone to record the ignoring of his demand (because as soon as the phone comes out, the request is now a demand) and A is provoked, there is conflict.

If a provoked A escalates to performative proportions, B gets good, solid evidence that A, despite the rather small infraction originally corrected, is a monster deserving of nothing less than destruction.

A calls the manager. B uploads the video. A gets fired because her employer (C) doesn’t want any Twitter backlash to effect his business. If C doesn’t fire A, the mob (D) uses that fact to indicate that C is also a monster thus putting his business at risk. B looks for someone else to film.

Sadly, nearly half of D is made up of bots created to sow the seeds of contention among us.

That bot half of D is succeeding but only with our bizarre desire to all become Karen.

Who is Karen? Someone who feels powerless in the face of minor infractions of the social contract with a perception that by punishing those breaking the rules, she has somehow made things better for herself and others. It is that perception, that it is her duty to punish others for failing to leash their dogs, wear a face mask, smoke fifteen feet from the entrance, put their shopping carts away, park in the handicapped spot, failing to use the left turn signal, playing their music too loudly, or anything she deems a violation of her sense of justice.

We all are all Karen, armed with smartphones and entitlement, self appointed Keepers of Civility and anointed members of a non-existent Neighborhood Watch. We are knighted in the quest for better customer service, keeping the parks free from dogshit, and the charge to constantly be on the watch for those random moments that give us a feeling of control over others and the possibility of internet fame.

Morning at the Cassavetes’ house. Gena Rowlands was sitting up in bed, sipping coffee and reading the Los Angeles Times.

Downstairs in the kitchen of their Hollywood Hills home, where she and her husband John Cassavetes filmed Facesand Love Streams, another pot of coffee was perking.

John Cassavetes had already been up for hours, his imagination and energy level running in fifth gear. He’d gotten the bug to make something new.

Gena had thought they were both enjoying their quiet, retired later years in their house, which was finally paid off since John hasn’t taken out any new mortgages to finance his movies. That chapter of their lives was behind them and now they were just enjoying the good life. John had even gone so far as to pick up a bag of golf clubs that he’d found at a yard sale in the Valley.

What Gena Rowlands didn’t know was that John Cassavetes was down in the kitchen pouring his fourth cup coffee before hunkering back down at the kitchen table where he’d just opened the box to his new toy—a Canon DSLR camera. He was sick to death of hearing about the digital camera revolution and reading endless articles in the L.A. Times about new young filmmakers making names for themselves shooting movies on their Christmas breaks for practically no money and premiering them at Sundance. He couldn’t take being out of the loop a minute longer.

“To be able to make movie for practically no money at all,” John had been thinking to himself. “Gena can’t possiblyhave a problem with this!”

Gena was just finishing her cup of coffee and the front page section of the paper when John came to the bedroom door.

“Honey, it’s beautiful outside. Let’s take the dogs out for a walk!”

Gena looked at him for a moment before saying, “What the hell are you talking about?”

“The dogs, they’re antsy. It’s great outside. Throw some clothes on and let’s take them around the block!”

Gena was still looking at him, not having budged an inch. “John, what the hell are you up to?”

“The dogs, honey! They have to be walked? Come on, let’s go! They’re waiting for us!” John said, clapping his hands together loudly to emphasize the point. “Come on, baby—let’s shake some ass!”

A few minutes later. Gena Rowlands had thrown on some jeans, white sneakers, a stylish blouse and her Dior sunglasses. John was waiting on the front steps with the dogs, holding out their leashes to her.

“Okay now, honey. Take these, but wait for me to call you to come down the driveway.”

Gena just stared at him. “Wait for me to hear you call before I come down the driveway? I thought we were taking the dogs out together. What the hell is this?”

John shoved the dog leashes in her hands. “Here, and remember—wait for me to give you the call!”

With that, he grabbed up the Canon DSLR camera and went running off down the driveway.

Gena stood on the stoop with the leashes in her hands. “Jesus. I should have stayed in bed.”

Just then from down the street she faintly heard, “Okay, honey! Come on down the driveway and make a turn to the right and start walking the dogs. And what ever you do—don’t look at me!”

Gena sighed. She wanted to turn and go back inside and go back to bed, but the dogs were looking at her with their tails wagging. There was no getting out of this now. “Sonuvabitch.”

She gave the leashes a tug and reluctantly started down the driveway. “Okay, come on, kids. Let’s get this over with. And remember, whatever we do—don’t look at daddy.”

Gena trudged down her driveway to the road at the bottom of the hill and, as told, made a turn to the right.

And there at the end of the corner she saw John peering at her through a small camera held up to his eye. She just stood there looking at him for a moment. Then John took took one hand off of the camera and waved, “No, no, no! No looking at me! Come on, keep walking this way! Just walk! I am not here!”

The Dior sunglasses concealed the venom in her eyes. Then, as instructed, she started walking with the dogs down the road towards him.

Once past him, John put the camera down and excitedly pressed the button to playback the video.

“John,” Gena said, now turning around him, “what the hell is going on?”

“Oh, I’m just trying something out.”

“And what the hell is that thing?”

“It’s a camera. And it’s amazing! Here, look,” he said holding up the back of the camera to her displaying the shot he’d just filmed of her coming down the sidewalk with the dogs.

“Uh-huh, yeah, very nice. Now what the hell should I be looking at?”

“What should you be looking at? That’s you! Don’t you look amazing? Look at that—that’s high definition! Can you believe it?”

“John, I can’t take any more of this. Can’t you just go back to smoking?”

“You’re not going to believe this thing! This little camera that I paid next to nothing for shoots full high-definition video in 1080—and at 24 frames per second! It’s a goddamn movie camera! And I got it at Costco! It cost me practically nothing! I’ve got to give Orson a call–he’s gonna love this thing!”

“Uh-huh, great. So what the hell are you doing with it?”

“What am I doing with it? I’m making a new goddamn movie! And it’s all about you! You and the dogs! This is going to be my greatest film yet! The whole thing is going to be about you! You! You!”

“Oh, Jesus. Another movie, John? You told me that was all behind us. What do you want to make another goddamn movie for?”

“Why? Don’t you get it? It’s not going to cost us anything this time. I don’t have mortgage the goddamn house again. I can make the whole thing on a month or two to of our Social Security checks. Don’t you love that? Isn’t this great!”

“John, John, John—”

“Okay, now turn around and keep on walking down the hill. I’m going to get a shot of you walking away from me, so start walking that way and go right at the corner. But once you get around the corner and you can’t see me anymore, stop and wait. I’m going to come down and walk backwards with you and get a great shot of you walking the dogs so. So go ahead and get going.”

“John—”

“John what? You’re not walking. Get walking. Go! Action!”