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marvella15 · 4 years

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Astaire & Rogers Rewatch Part 10: The Barkleys of Broadway

• So here’s the story. Fred Astaire tried to retire. He’d been performing his entire life and he was ready to finally retire. In 1946, he did Blue Skies, which was meant to be his farewell picture. Then two years went by. Meanwhile, Gene Kelly was on the rise. He was booked to do a film with Judy Garland. Then he broke his ankle.

Kelly was extremely competitive and he and his wife often hosted volleyball games at their house. He either broke his ankle while playing or, as one story goes, he was so mad at having lost, he stamped his foot on the doorstep and injured himself.

• Kelly couldn’t do Easter Parade with Garland. So he called up Astaire and basically was like, please help me. Astaire agreed and had such a fabulous time with Garland and the film was such a success that the studio immediately wanted to pair them up again. But then, Garland’s health precluded her from doing The Barkleys of Broadway.

• So Astaire called up Ginger Rogers and said, hey how about we reunite for the first time on screen in ten years? And although she’d essentially stopped doing musicals at all, she agreed. And so we have The Barkleys of Broadway as the final Astaire/Rogers film and their only one in color.

• Our characters/actor: Josh Barkley (Fred Astaire), Dinah Barkley (Ginger Rogers), Ezra Miller (Oscar Levant), Jacques Barredout (Jacques François)

• Right off the bat, this movie makes a dumb decision. They put the credits over Astaire and Rogers dancing. (You can see this routine minus the credits as part of That’s Entertainment 3.)

• One of the critiques of this film is that Rogers was no longer the lithe young dancer from her and Astaire’s heyday. And to that I say: shut up. Heaven forbid she have, quite frankly, a healthier and stronger look to her than she did ten years prior when she was working herself to the bone and routinely losing 10-15 pounds from all of the dancing. I support her healthier look, lifestyle, and the ice cream she was surely enjoying from her custom home bar.

• The main tension of the story is that Josh is essentially credited with all of Dinah’s success because he “made her what she was.” This was a real-life argument reporters of the day made about the Astaire/Rogers partnership, casting her as the brainless actress whom Astaire molded into the perfect dance partner. Which is incorrect in every sense, as we’ve seen in these past nine films.

The bickering between the Barkleys is also likely poking fun at another frequent and false report about Astaire and Rogers, which is that they hated each other and regularly fought while making their films. They had their squabbles, of course, such as the feather dress affair, but from all first-hand accounts, they got along extremely well and spent most of their time during rehearsal and filming having an incredible amount of fun.

• I adore how they cuddle up in the car. There’s so little physical affection in Astaire/Rogers films outside of the dancing that every moment of it feels like a treat. It’s slightly ruined by a rough cut, which includes the magical appearance of a lit cigarette in Josh’s hand.

• Josh doesn’t fight fair at all. While Dinah insists on knowing what “detail” wasn’t perfect in the show, Josh doesn’t allow her to respond to his criticism. So she’s left simply to stew in anger and hurt feelings.

He does apologize to her soon after and they seem to make up. But as we know, the same issues will resurface again and again for them because if you don’t ever have a fair, honest conversation about your problems, they don’t ever go away.

• I have to point out how Astaire looks at her adoringly after Josh’s apology. I also love the way she hooks her fingers into the lapels of his suit. It’s a small gesture of affection only borne out of being comfortable with someone. I’d be surprised to learn that action was in the script.

• See, when you don’t have an actual conversation with your partner you end up freezing and starving out on the balcony at a party while a snobby, elitist playwright gives them the attention and thoughtful feedback they crave.

• Oscar Levant always plays a version of himself in every film and he does a great job of it. When you can play piano that well, there’s no need to do a lot of heavy lifting in your acting.

• Astaire and Rogers do a really fabulous job of portraying a married couple famous for their dancing but who are also major drama queens. For example, this line from Josh, “What with walking pneumonia and concussion a fine performance I’ll give tomorrow night.”

• Some light domestic violence humor here in 1949. 😒

• Dinah hums in pleasure after Josh surprises her with a kiss and I just can’t say for sure whether that’s acting or not…

• "You'd Be Hard to Replace" is another lovely song that I really enjoy hearing Astaire sing. I also really like how Rogers caresses his elbow when they hold each other’s arms. When he wraps her in his arms from behind, their hands knead one another’s.

They kiss again at the end of this song. There are so, so many kisses in this movie.

• "Bouncin' the Blues" is a great tap number and they both look excellent in it. The only thing that I find a tad grating is Astaire’s exclamations, which seem too manufactured (maybe because some of them are dubbed in?). Far better is the moment when they reach out to link hands and both look like they’re having a blast. For that instant, there’s a hint of that special Astaire/Rogers magic.

• The artwork in tribute to Josh and Dinah is atrocious, misogynistic, and rude. The artist calls her a ball of shapeless dough only formed into being by her husband, the frying pan.

• "My One and Only Highland Fling" is… an interesting choice. Was anyone looking for Astaire and Rogers to sing in Scottish accents or dance in kilts?? The kisses on the cheek are cute though and so is their interaction after the number in their dressing room.

• They look pretty fab while playing tennis during their weekend in the country. When they make plans to meet up for dinner, they say goodbye with kisses on the cheek. To me, those natural moments between them are the best parts of the movie.

• Omg I totally forgot about the part where Dinah pretends to be faint so Josh sends Ezra to bring her some brandy and Ezra returns with the ENTIRE drink tray with four massive bottles and glasses hahahaha

• Not to be outdone, Dinah hurriedly correcting Josh when he thinks she’s faint because she’s pregnant is also hilarious.

• Dinah does the worst possible job hiding her script from Josh. He’s angry for a lot of reasons but the note from Jacques, which implies an ongoing secret relationship between him and Dinah, is what really ticks Josh off.

• "Shoes with Wings On" is another example of Astaire’s continued interest in special effects. Green screen technology was used to make the shoes appear to dance on their own. The finished product was one of Astaire’s enduring creations and probably what The Barkleys of Broadway is best known for outside of being a reunion picture for Astaire and Rogers. He does a convincing job of making it seem as though his shoes are dancing despite his own ability or effort.

• Unsurprisingly, Jacques is revealed to be an even bigger pompous dick as a director than he’s been on social occasions. It’s also even more glaringly obvious that his intention the whole time has not been solely to nurture Dinah’s dramatic career but to steal her away from her husband.

• It was Rogers’ idea to have them dance to "They Can't Take That Away From Me" rather than a new original piece. Astaire didn’t like repeating himself, and that included songs from previous films, but he made an exception. It’s a nice dance and is certainly the closest thing this film has to offer of the OG Astaire and Rogers duets. But as I said in my Shall We Dance rewatch, it’s just not the same as if they’d danced to this song the first time around.

The use of the song made sense since Ira Gershwin was the lyricist for The Barkleys of Broadway.

• Considering it’s 1949, Dinah does a remarkable job of standing up for herself and getting to the root of the couple’s issues. He’s been taking her for granted and stifling her own creative interests and she’s been smothering her frustrations as best she can but they hit the breaking point. Something needs to change or their relationship can’t continue. But that doesn’t mean she’s happy about it.

• Dinah’s terrible acting in the play had to HAD TO be intentional on someone’s part but I can’t for the life of me think who or why.

• Love and support are what we all want from our partners. Dinah is still in love with Josh but it’s only once she knows that Josh has been helping her despite the fact that she ended their relationship and it didn’t benefit him at all that she goes back to him. Though, she does also take a bit of pleasure in making him agonize a little while.

I like the little whistle she does upon entering their apartment. It must be something they did to alert the other they’d come home. Wish we’d gotten to see it some other time in the movie.

• The truth is, Dinah and Josh enjoy being dramatic together and I get that. When you’re with the right person, it’s fun to play around.

• "Manhattan Down Beat" is wasted as an ending song. It could’ve been a good lively number, perhaps instead of "My One and Only Highland Fling.” I’d say that Astaire was just trying to avoid being in a top hat and tails more than necessary but he also reportedly hated being in silly costumes like the Scottish getup so 🤷‍♀️

• And that’s how the greatest on-screen dancing partnership ends. The Barkleys of Broadway is a more interesting and somewhat better film than The Story of Vernon and Irene Castle so it functions as a better finale for Astaire and Rogers. While their dancing isn’t quite the same, the chemistry between them is still very evident, which speaks to their enduring personal relationship. But that probably deserves its own post, which is what I’ll do next and how I’ll end this rewatch.

#fred astaire #ginger rogers #the barkleys of broadway #classic hollywood #old hollywood #astaire and rogers rewatch

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i-am-just-a-kiddo · 3 years

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favourite male fictional characters

Thank you @vishcount for tagging me, this was a lot of fun! 💞 I originally planned to follow your example and put ten characters here but suddenly it became a lot more oops. also i hope you forgive me for following your format, it’s neat

I am tagging @isabellaofparma , @the-cloud-whisperer and @sassyassassy!

I chose the characters that impacted me deeply on a personal level throughout my life (often shown by how long my love lasts over the years and if i was inspired to write for them).

In no specific order under the cut:

Legolas

The Lord of The Rings, J.R.R. Tolkien.

I think it’s only fitting I start off with this magnificent guy. Maybe I gotta admit, i’ve just had a crush on him ever since I was like, nine years old? He’s the character I will fight tooth and claw for (though I guess he doesn’t need me to do that). I love Orlando Bloom’s portrayal of him, eventhough he is vastly different from the books. Book Legolas is such a delight as well, he feels so whimsical and playful and his banter with Gimli is just gold. I was sad when The Hobbit trilogy came out and I was so disappointed by how they butchered his character, it just did not feel authentic anymore (maybe I am also just bitter about the forced hetero storyline for him. makes no cents, this elf is GayTM your honour. and he will meet his soulmate Gimli in a few decades). Either way, Legolas is the love of my life, thanks for coming to my tedtalk,

Peter Pan

Peter Pan, J. M. Barrie

Another childhood crush of mine. The gif I chose if from the 2005 movie because we always used to watch it and it is to this day one of my favourite movies. It’s so dreamy, so magical, yet also incredibly sad and sweet. I have this very strange fascination with Peter Pan. There is something incredibly unsettling about him, especially in the book. He represents something every child wants - who doesn’t want to escape their bedroom and fly away to experience magical adventured far from the adult world? And yet he also represents the impossibility of it, the curse he carries around with himself because he will forever stay alone, no matter how many lost boys he gathers around himself. And Wendy - it’s a love that was never meant to grow and mature, it’s a fleeting dream for the both of them. I have seen many different adaptations of Peter Pan and I have my favourites, though I want to give a special mention to the book Peter Darling by Austin Chant. It’s a retelling of the story how we know it, in which Peter returns to Neverland after having finally grown up BUT the main points I want to highlight is trans Peter? Heck yes. Gripping and compelling gay love story with our favourite original lost boy Captain Hook? YES.

Snufkin

Moomins, Tove Jansson.

I have discovered Snufkin for myself only last year, and yet I know he will stay with me forever. In short - I vibe with him, he vibes with me. His anxieties about being with people and longing for solitude? His fear of being loved and being important to someone to a point he doesn’t know what to do with himself? This man just wants to roam freely with his own mind and yet he always returns for something that captures him. Mum, I love him because I have rarely felt this seen before. Also, Snufkin said ACAB.

Prince Jing - Xiao Jingyan

Nirvana in Fire (2015)

This too is a darling I have only discovered recently. I watched Nirvana in Fire this year and let me tell you, it’s the best show I have seen in a long while. It’s absolutely amazing and it also ripped my heart out. All the characters are absolutely amazing and I am still not over it.

To be honest, I contemplated between Xiao JIngyan and Mei Changsu, because character-wise I think the latter is a lot more interesting and compelling. He makes for a fantastic heartbreaking and flawed protagonist.

However I have to admit - it was love at first sight with Prince Jing for me and I’m still lowkey mad abt it rip. Seems like I am not immune to Pretty Prince Propaganda. But apart from that, I adore him for his genuine

goodness,

his almost naive drive to be better and seek justice. He lost everything, and for the longest time did not have anything to fight for. So alone and lost and bitter, it makes me sad how much it hardened him. He is heartbreak and clumsy kindness hidden under a skin of scars that was inflicted by his father and many others. I see his sad cat-eyes and I cry, that’s just how it is.

Edmund Pevensie

The Chronicles of Narnia, C. S. Lewis

I grew up with these books and movies - they have always been part of my life and it will probably always stay that way (only last night I rewatched the first movie and sobbed). Imagine my surprised when I finally watched the last movie about five years ago and was incredibly impressed by how they adapted the book; also imagine my brain suddenly going CASMUND in bold letters at Skandar Keynes’ and Ben Barnes’ performance in that movie. From there, I rediscovered this story completely anew for myself. My favourite Pevensie sibling has always been Lucy (and still is, because I identify with her so much and she feels like home to me); however this new discovery of Edmund’s character was overwhelming. It’s interesting to see characters you’ve grown up with from a more grown up point of view. I don’t want to lay out all my thoughts here, just know I am so heartbroken for him, and so so proud as well. His character arc is amazing and maybe that’s how the last movie makes me even more emotional. Seeing Edmund and Lucy still holding on to Narnia but knowing that that door was closing for them? Not to mention what happens in the later books (we don’t talk about that). Also did I mention Casmund. Here, have my incredibly emo and depressing take on Edmund’s character that I started writing four years ago and which will forever stay a WIP.

Nie Huaisang

The Untamed (2019)

My son. My soul. My bane of existence. The tragic thing about him is, that he does not really exist in canon as I have created him for myself. He’s a secondary character in the show, always so relatable yet still brings the ultimate twist of the story, yet he still remains this incomplete shadow. The movie

Fatal Journey

gave him a lot more and I cried tears of joy and devastation. I don’t know why I latched on to him so much, but apparently he is the one that I project on, the one that feels like he sits somewhere inside my chest. I don’t know what else to say - this year he has been everything to me. I spend a lot of time in his head while writing, and maybe that’s how he’s there forever now. Nie Huaisang saw my brain and went it’s free real estate. All my love for you, you dramatic art hoe.

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Ah, another lifelong companion. There are many adapations that I adore - starting from the origin of it all, the books and stories which I have all devoured; the 80s adaptation with Jeremy Brett which was incredibly wonderful; to BBC Sherlock which shaped and traumatised me (I still like the first three seaons but I am too hurt to think about it); to the numerous movies - but by far my most favourite performance is Basil Rathbone as Sherlock Holmes. Somehow he manages to capture the Holmes I see in my head when I read the books, the sharp yet polite eccentric detective, who loves his companion so much and who has desire to help others. Sherlock Holmes will always stay special to me, in so many different ways. He shaped my youth and I know he will stay with me. (also what would you say when I told you he helped me discover that I can, in fact, be queer AND ace at the same time? thanks pal). What else is there to say? Sherlock Holmes is a universe that you can dive into and find many amazing treasures.

Isak Valtersen

SKAM (2015)

There he is, the boy that changed my life. SKAM changed my life. All of the characters did. However, Isak is special for many, as I imagine. I remember winter 2016, when tumblr was flooded by these norwegian white boys kissing in a pool and cuddling and I was like ‘nah’, this doesn’t look convincing. I don’t know what changed my mind but I remember sitting down at last and watching all that was released of season three and it was only downhill from there. I remember starting to follow the real life updates religiously while watching the other previous seasons in between. The one clip that completely wrecked me was when Isak went to the school nurse about his struggles with sleep - it felt like for the first time I saw someone on screen that could understand me on so many different levels. The entierty of seaons three is so personal, I would tell you to go watch it if you don’t know what I mean. The entire show in fact. It’s a masterpiece and it feels so real. This show impacted my life in a way that no show has managed to do before. I miss it so much. I miss Isak too sigh.

Shang Xirui

Winter Begonia (2020)

Technically, for me personally, Shang Xirui is the nonbinary, gay and ace representation I need in my life (or at least that’s my own personal take on him), but since that is not official, he’s still here on this list. Of course he is because wow, it’s been a long while since I’ve seen such a compelling character on screen. I went from disliking him to being absolutely heartbroken over him. I don’t think any other character in this show captured me as much as he did. There are so many layers to him and discovering all of his sides is a wonderful, heartbreaking, painful and also beautiful journey. I’m not sure I understand all of him yet, but I am willing to try and dig and just ponder his existence. This too, is a perfect example for a flawed yet authentic protagonist. Also he is the most beautiful thing on this planet, or at least that’s how I have been feeling ever since I watched this. I wish to write more of him in the future.

Aang

Avatar: The Last Airbender (2005)

I grew up watching ATLA and my favourite characters have always been Toph, Zuko and Uncle Iroh. In recent years however, I completely fell in love with Aang all anew.

I think especially in the past, I had these prejudices against main characters and found them all the most boring personalities ever. In recent years this changed a lot and especially Aang is a prime example for that. Watching him from the perspective of older me, I find so much wisdom in this young boy. Somehow he represents all I wish to be in my life but at the same time he shows his flaws, he carries this sadness with him that will accompany him all his life. This inner battle and chaos that he has to face day to day and in the end - he is just a young boy. So much has been taken from him and yet he learns how to not let it overtake him, that anger and hurt. He tries his hardest to be better than the day before, even if sometimes the world crashes down on him and he gets overwhelmed. He is a child recruited by adults to manage their mistakes and play into the hands of predestined fate and in this essay I will -

Harry Potter

Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling

I am surprised myself. I thought I would put Fred and George here, or Remus and Sirius, however I realised that none of them quite capture this feeling of lifelong change, of personal, deep impact that Harry had on me.

As with Aang above, I used to think Harry was the most boring protagonist, yet my opinion took a 180° turn in the past years. Many of the things I wrote for Aang apply to him too - the fact that he was a child, that lost so much, and was always faced with challenges that a child should never have needed to face. Something I want to address is how my favourite book, The Order of the Phoenix, lays all of this out. Harry is just as flawed, just as vulnerable and angry as anyone else. I know some people did not like his ‘emo behaviour’ in the fifth book but for me it just showed how human he is, how he was just a teen like myself at that time. As for many, this boy shaped my entire life, shaped a generation, and I will forever be grateful. I’m sad and angry at how J*R behaves, and how she puts us in the position of doubting our love for these stories. I know I will always love them, but I will not turn a blind eye on all the problematic shit is carries with itself and what the author piles upon us.

Lan Wangji & Wei Wuxian

The Untamed (2019)

I will try and keep this short, because if you want to read my thoughts about Wangxian just go to my ao3 and find the over 70k i wrote for them. I decided to put them here together because I can’t seperate them and I can’t choose between them. Each of them carries something I recognise in myself, and each of them is the opposite of me. They each own my heart and soul and I know there will never be a fictional couple like this for me ever again. They’ve snuck their way into my heart and have never left. They deserve to be here, together, because my love for them is indescribable. Bless them. + Bonus:

The Doctor

Doctor Who (1963/2005)

Technically, the Doctor doesn’t count as a “male” character, but since he has been presenting as male up until recently, I needed to include him. I chose the Tenth Doctor because he is the one that broke my heart the most. I adored Nine but he was there too short, and I do love Eleven and Twelve a lot, and Thirteen absolutely owns my heart, Ten has just always been the one that made me cry the most. I loved this era of Doctor Who, I loved how sad and hopeful he was, how heartbroken and yet determined to help wherever it was needed. Doctor Who is always that show, when I return to it, I am reminded that maybe, humanity and the universe isn’t all that bad.

phew, this took ages damn. but i had so much fun! i decided to leave out honorable mentiones because we would be sitting here until tomorrow lol.

#gosh this was nice #a lot of incoherent rambling here #thanks dear #tag game #personal

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crescendohowell · 7 years

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Your Name and Kiss Belong in the Same Sentence

Summary: Neither Dan or Phil has ever had a boyfriend before and they think that part of the reason might be because nobody even realises they like boys. So, as best friends do, they decide to pretend to date each other, that way at least it’s obvious they aren’t straight. And with an agreed upon set of boundaries, nothing can go wrong. Right?

Word Count: 9k

Warnings: swearing, anxiety attack, underage drinking/alcohol

A/N: me actually finishing a fic?? who knew this was even possible anymore lmao (although i found 6k of this already done in my drafts from october so?? does this even count). also tysm to leah for letting me scream at her about this and for editing it for me, you’re the best <33

read on ao3 instead

Dan and Phil had been best friends for what felt like forever. They had grown up together, in houses only a few blocks away and couldn’t remember a time where they hadn’t known each other. They had always been Dan and Phil, their names never separated.

Everyone had warned them that friends often grow apart over time, especially as they moved from middle school to high school. For some reason people seemed to think that there was no way that the two boys could stay as close friends as they were forever.

Luckily, that wasn’t true at all. Because now it was their senior year of high school and if anything they were closer friends than they had ever been before. Sure, they talked to their other friends at school and hung out with them occasionally, but nine times out of ten it was just the two of them watching movies at each other’s houses or playing videos games or doing homework. It wasn’t that they didn’t like their other friends, but they didn’t really feel any need to hang out with them outside of school. When it was just the two of them there was never any drama.

It was one of those nights that they were hanging out with just the two of them at Phil’s house that Dan brought up something they didn’t talk about much. But that was later in the night. For now they were just throwing away the remains of the pizza they had for dinner and settling in on the couch to watch a movie.

“What do you wanna watch?” Phil asked as they sat in the same spots on the couch that they always did, Dan on the right of Phil. Neither of them really knew when those positions had been established but now they were completely natural and any time they didn’t sit in the same spots something felt off.

“I don’t know, you pick,” Dan didn’t look up from scrolling through his phone until suddenly a pillow hit him in the face. “Hey!” He exclaimed.

“You say that every time!” Phil, the pillow thrower, complained.

“I’m being flexible.” Dan argued.

“Yeah, and it’s so helpful,” Phil said sarcastically.

“I trust you to always pick out the good movies.” It was true, they did have very similar movie taste and Dan almost always liked the same ones as Phil.

“Fine,” Phil sighed, “Maybe I’ll just pick a bad one to annoy you.”

“You do that,” Dan laughed, knowing that Phil hated sitting through bad movies even more than him.

They did eventually settle on rewatching the first Star Wars movie. It had been a while since they had watched it and it was always a good time to laugh at the old fashioned special effects. They would have to go see the new one in theaters when it came out.

After the movie they decided to head to bed as they were both plenty tired from waking up way too early for school all week. Besides, they both knew that they would end up spending hours scrolling on their phones and talking before they actually went to bed.

They had done this so many times by now that everything was practically already set up for Dan to spend the night. Phil had a big bed so they could both sleep there and Dan had a drawer in Phil’s closet where he kept a couple pairs of pajamas and other clothes. After they brushed their teeth (Dan’s toothbrush already sitting in the cup next to the sink along with Phil’s) they closed Phil’s bedroom door and turned off the lights, diving under the covers and laughing because it was late and they were tired and at a certain point in the night everything always becomes funny.

It was even later, when their phones had been plugged into chargers next to each other, and they were laying in the dark, talking sometimes and sometimes not, that Dan brought up an idea that he had been thinking about for a long time.

“So you know how I really want a boyfriend?” He began.

Phil laughed. “Yeah, same. Or a girlfriend honestly. Somehow living that bisexual life has still got me zero dates.”

“True,” Dan laughed too. “But nobody even knows that we want boyfriends. Or in your case a girlfriend I guess, but that’s already assumed so it’s really only the boyfriend thing that’s a problem.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. “It’s dumb.”

“I agree.” Dan replied. They had came out to each years ago now but had never really bothered telling anyone else. “So I was thinking, and feel free to tell me that this is a dumb idea, but what if we pretended to date so that we didn’t have to do that whole Coming Out thing and then once people realise we like boys then we can break up? At least then any guys will know that we’re interested in their gender. Maybe we’d have at least slightly more of a chance of getting a date then.”

“I mean, I’m not opposed to it,” Phil said carefully; he had actually thought about something similar many times.

“It’ll be like Josh and Nathan last year,” Dan added. “Everybody thought that Josh was straight but when they started going out nobody questioned it.”

“True,” Phil did remember that.

“We don’t have to, or anything,” Dan repeated, making sure that Phil didn’t feel forced into it. “I just thought that it might be easier. I mean, we’re practically dating already. I’m not even sure what we’d have to do differently.”

“We’d have to hold hands I’d imagine.” Phil had been going over what they’d do as a couple in his head ever since Dan had first mentioned the idea. “Maybe kiss a couple times.” Phil almost stuttered on the word kiss. Kiss and Dan had never been in the same vicinity. They weren’t supposed to be. Phil didn’t know how he felt now that they were possibly going to be very connected. All he knew was that the idea made his heart jump up into his throat and his hands warm.

“That wouldn’t mess up our friendship though,” Dan interrupted Phil’s thoughts. “We’d be fine, even if we had to kiss, right?”

“After all these years I’d sure hope so,” Phil joked to hide how unsure he really was. He really liked the idea of pretending to be a couple, he just wasn’t convinced that things would be able to stay the same. But now that Dan was offering, Phil really wanted to say yes. So he did. “I say we go for it.”

“Really?” Dan hadn’t really been expecting Phil to agree.

“Really.” Phil couldn’t believe he was saying yes.

They didn’t jump into it or anything. Actually, neither of the boys brought it up for a couple days. Phil had begun to think that maybe it was nothing more than late night rambling and making plans that they followed through on. But then, the following Wednesday, when he was over at Dan’s house doing homework, Dan brought the topic back up.

“So do you wanna go on a date or something?” Dan asked, half joking. He was sat on his bed, working on his computer while Phil sat as his desk.

“Um-m,” Phil stuttered, taken completely off guard as one moment he was struggling over calculus and then next Dan was saying that.

“Kidding,” Dan clarified. “I guess,” he gave a crooked smile as Phil turned around his chair to face him.

“Yeah, I don’t really know how to start this whole thing either,” Phil felt nervous for some reason, but he didn’t quite know why.

“Maybe we should set some boundaries?” Dan suggested. “That way we both know what we’re getting into.”

“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea,” Phil agreed. He always liked planning things out. “So, where do we start.”

Homework was pretty much forgotten after that, as instead the two boys came up with and actually wrote down a list of all the things they could and couldn’t do.

Hand holding and other casual touching was allowed. So was kissing, so long as it didn’t involve any tongue.

“But what if our friends are there and we need to convince them we’re properly dating?” Dan asked.

“Fine, maybe tongue is okay then,” Phil agreed. It felt odd to talk about this sort of thing so casually. It was as if they were planning out their romance. Which really was what was happening.

Phil requested that ‘nothing too sexual’ be a boundary, to which Dan argued that was too unclear but it got added anyway. There would be no telling their parents about their plan, coming out to them would have to be done separately.

“Are we going to be one of those gross couples that posts about each other constantly on social media?” Phil wondered.

“I mean we kinda already do that babe,” Dan laughed.

“Shut up,” Phil blushed. “No calling each other babe, I’m adding it to the list.”

“How about sunshine?” Dan countered. “Honey? Love?”

“I hate you,” Phil groaned.

“Now that’s not the way to talk to your boyfriend.” Dan teased.

“Oh my god, why did I agree to this?” Phil leaned back, covering his face with his hands.

“It’s cuz’ you love me!” Dan said, still teasing.

“Yeah, as friends,” Phil peeked through his fingers at him. “What if this goes wrong somehow?” he got serious for a moment. “What do we do then?”

“The second one of us wants out we say so,” Dan stopped making fun. “Even if it’s in the middle of all our friends. If you’re ever uncomfortable we’ll stop.”

“Yeah, okay,” That made Phil feel better. “Like a safe word or something.”

“True,” Dan smiled. It was a little different from an ordinary safeword but in some ways it was really the same. “What do you want it to be?”

“How about I just call you Daniel? Or you call me Philip if you want to call it off. We never do that so there shouldn’t be any times that comes up unless we want it to.” Phil suggested. “And that way if we’re around other people it won’t be hard to work into the conversation or anything.”

“Sounds perfect.” Dan was fairly certain things wouldn’t end badly, but having a way to get out of everything made him feel even more confident about the whole thing. “Now back to the kissing…”

“God, I hate you.”

The spent the rest of that afternoon figuring out the final things and adding to the list. Phil considering making both of them sign it to make it some sort of formal agreement but Dan managed to convince him that their trust was enough to guarantee they would follow what they had written down. All they really had to remember was to make things believable but not go further than that.

However, it turned out that writing things down on paper was a lot easier than actually going through with any of it.

The first issue was that neither of them quite knew how to annouce they were dating. They were already such close friends that if they just hinted at it people probably wouldn’t even notice. So they needed to do something that clearly showed how they were a couple. Something that their friends could see but that that didn’t make to of big of a deal out of everything.

“What if we start holding hand at lunch?” Dan suggested as they were driving to school together two days later. Or more accurately Dan was driving like he always did and Phil was getting distracted staring out the window and trying not to get motion sick.

“But that could be considered friendly.” Phil pointed out.

“But really? I feel like our friend group wouldn’t think that. I mean none of our friends now hold hands.”

“But none of them are as close as we are.”

“True,” Dan sighed. “Goddamn, if we weren’t already such a married couple this would be so much easier.”

Eventually, the boys decided that holding hands was a good start. Hopefully one of their friends would ask or make a joke about it and then they could say that they were dating. It seemed simple enough.

But that didn’t explain, when it came time for lunch, why Phil’s heart was suddenly beating out of his chest and his palms were sweating just at the thought of walking into the cafeteria holding hands with Dan. Right now he was walking to meet Dan outside his history class, so it was giving Phil plenty of time to overthink what they were about to do (though really he had been overthinking ever since they decided that today was the day on the car ride to school). Phil just really hoped that this went well. He wasn’t sure why he cared so much, but he really wanted it to.

“Ready?” Dan interrupted Phil’s thoughts as he emerged from the classroom, quick to stand right at Phil’s side. “We can still back out.” Dan added when Phil hesitated.

“No, no, I’m fine,” Phil insisted. “Let’s go.” He took Dan’s hand in his.

It felt much more natural than they both expected.

In fact, by the time that they got to the table they always sat at with their other friends at lunch, Dan and Phil had both forgotten that they were even holding hands in the first place.

“Oh my god,” Louise’s exclamation made them suddenly remember. “Did you guys finally get your act together and start dating?”

“What do you mean get our act together and-” Dan started.

“Yes,” Phil interrupted, elbowing Dan slightly. “We did.” He smiled as he looked fondly at Dan. Phil was trying really hard to make this whole dating thing believable.

“I’m so happy for you,” Louise beamed. “Lord knows it took long enough.”

“True,” Phil agreed, as him and Dan both sat down at the table and began to get their lunches out.

“So how exactly did you guys do the whole shift from friends to dating thing?” She asked.

“We were just talking one night,” Dan finally spoke up. “And we realised that we were basically already dating, just without the kissing bit I mean, and we figured that maybe adding that bit wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

“You guys are basically a married couple,” PJ chimed in.

“We were just talking about that this morning.” Phil laughed.

“Well I’m glad you guys figured it out. We were beginning to think that you were both so dense there was no chance you would ever realise how you’ve been mutually crushing on each other forever.” Louise said.

“Yeah,” PJ added, “We were beginning to think that you guys didn’t even realise that you had a crush at all.”

“True,” Louise laughed. “Okay, but now can we talk about the math test because I have that next period and I need some math facts fast if I’m going to have any hope of passing.”

So telling their friends that they were dating went well. Actually, maybe it went too well. Because both of them couldn’t stop thinking about how their friends had assumed it was real easily because they figured they had had crushed on each other for ages. And that wasn’t true. Of course not.

Besides, this whole plan wasn’t really about their friends. Dan and Phil had both figured that their friends would not be surprised about the whole not straight thing. But the goal of this whole plan was to make it known around the school about this whole not straight thing. That way there would be more of a chance of them getting dates. So even though they had told their friends they were dating, that was only the beginning. And somehow they needed to come up with a plan to spread it beyond that.

Luckily none of that needed to happen right away and they were able to spend the rest of the school days as they always did (in classes that were painfully never together and texting the whole time to make up for it). After school they drove home together and decided to hang out at Phil’s house from that afternoon. It wasn’t so much of a question of if they would hang out or not, but rather where.

They ended up settled back in their spots on the couch, this time playing video games instead of watching a movie, and the afternoon flew by. Afternoons like this, Fridays when it was just autumn enough to justify not going outside, were some of Phil’s favourite in the world. He figured that video games and comfy sofas and sitting just close enough to have their knees brushing together was the best type of happiness in the world. And Dan would be inclined to agree.

“Dan, what are we doing?” Phil asked. It was much later now, bedtime actually. They were both under the covers in Phil’s bed, just as they had been when they first came up with this plan. Late night conversations were always the easiest place to talk about things.

“What do you mean?” Dan stared at the ceiling, his eyes wide open even though there was nothing to take in as the room was drowned in darkness.

“I just…” Phil started before trailing off. “I can’t help but feel like this isn’t going to end how we’re planning. It seems like things like this never do.”

“We’ll be fine.” Dan quickly assured (even though neither of them quite knew what he was reassuring about). “We’ve been friends far too long for one failed plan to ruin us. Besides, how many of our plans have failed in the past?”

“A lot of them!” Phil protested.

“But we’re still here.” Dan proved his point. “None of those have ended our friendship, so I don’t see how this one would.”

“Yeah,” Phil agreed. “That does actually make sense.”

“Of course it does, I am very smart, you know,” Dan joked.

“And that’s why you have a C in English right now,” Phil replied back.

“That’s just because Mr. R doesn’t appreciate my sense of humor or writing style!” Dan tried to defend himself.

“Sure,” Phil said sarcastically, grinning since Dan couldn’t see him. Really, he did agree with Dan - he should have an A in the class - but it was much more fun teasing him about it than saying that.

“We should probably go to bed,” Dan mentioned after glancing over at the clock. “It’s getting late.”

“Yeah,” Phil had noticed the clock a couple of minutes ago but he hadn’t said anything. He always hated having to stop talking and going to bed instead. He was getting really sleepy though, so maybe it was time. “You’ll still be here in the morning, right?” He asked. That was something he said every night that they were sleeping over at either of their houses. Because when they had just started being friends, when they were little kids, Dan had left a sleepover in the middle of the night, and Phil had been really confused when he wasn’t there in the morning. So now it was their joke that he always asked.

“Yeah,” Dan replied, smiling to himself. Now he would never leave in a million years. He felt way more at home here, in Phil’s bed with him, than he did back alone at his house. “I hope you don’t snore.” That was Dan’s part of the bit because that was the reason he went home when he was little, he had been scared of Phil’s soft snoring (if it could even be called that as Dan now knew it was more of a slightly heavy breathing - a breathing that he had come to memorize).

“I would never.” Phil replied, smiling to himself. “Goodnight Dan.” He added softly.

“Night,” Dan turned so he wasn’t looking at the ceiling any longer and closed his eyes. “Love you.”

“Love you too.”

So yeah, maybe the dating was a little confusing, at least for now, but this was easy. This was when they both felt most at home. There was no way that they would ever break it. Not when Dan curled closer only a few moments after saying goodnight and neither of them moved away.

They continued to keep up the dating thing around their friends and when they walked between classes together sometimes they held hands. It was just enough that slowly but surely the word began to spread around the school that they were dating. It was just like they had planned. Everything was working without any problems.

After about two weeks went by Phil began to think about if it was was time for them to “break up” yet. Because they had achieved their goal - people knew they were dating and given that information, were no longer straight - but for some reason Phil didn’t feel like it was time for them to be done with this fake relationship. He reckoned that people probably didn’t really think of them as couple, some probably still thought they were friends. They still needed to do something to cement their non-platonic status (or at least their fake non-platonic status). Besides, they had to wait a least a couple more weeks before breaking up if this was going to seem like any sort of real relationship at all.

Of course Phil didn’t really have any idea for what they should do for this whole confirming they were a couple thing so he decided to ask Dan about it.

“True, we do need to do something,” Dan agreed. “But I don’t know what.”

“Same,” Phil sighed. They were in Dan’s room, and Phil was laying on the bed while Dan sat at his desk attempting to do homework (at least that’s what he had been trying to do before Phil distracted him with this much more interesting topic).

“What’s something that normal couples do?” Dan wondered aloud.

“Kiss.” Phil shocked himself by saying it aloud, but that had been what they were both thinking.

“Yeah, they kiss,” Dan repeated back. He was glad he was facing the wall opposite his desk because he didn’t want Phil to see the way his face grew warm at even the mention of kissing.

“I mean we’ve both kissed girls before,” Phil tried to make it seem like less of a big deal. “How different can it be really?”

“But you’re attracted to girls too,” Dan pointed out. “I’ve never kissed anyone I actually like that way.”

“But you don’t l-like me that way,” Phil stuttered slightly on the words for some reason. “So it should be pretty much the same.”

“I don’t know if that’s quite how it works Phil,” Dan almost felt like laughing.

“Yeah,” Phil admitted. “I know.”

There was a moment of silence then as they both thought about what to do.

“What if we practised first?” Phil suggested. “That way we’ll know what to expect going into it. And you can pretend that this doesn’t count. Your first kiss with a guy can be the next guy.”

“Or it could just be that my first kiss with a guy is with my best friend. It’s that whole your first kiss should be with someone who really cares about you shit.” Dan’s cheeks were really red now as they continued to talk so casually about kissing. But the more that they talked about it, the more than Dan became certain that for some reason, he really wanted to kiss Phil.

“Yeah, or that,” Phil agreed. He really wanted to know what it would feel like to finally kiss a boy too. He had always thought that Dan had nice lips (even if they were always ridiculously chapped).

“We should still do that whole practice thing though,” Dan added. “And then we can just casually make out at a party or something.” He joked. Thought really it didn't sound like as much of a joke as he intended.

“Did you wanna practice now?” Phil asked. He felt like his heart was jumping into his throat.

“I-I guess,” Dan finally turned around to look at Phil. “Might as well.”

“Might as well,” Phil repeated before starting to giggle. “What a great reason to kiss someone. Might as well.”

“Shut up,” Dan started giggling too. Really the conversation had been much too serious and suddenly neither of them could stop laughing. “God, maybe the real reason we can’t get dates is cuz’ we’re too big of dorks.” Dan said once he could finally stop enough to talk.

“True,” Phil agreed. “None of the boys will ever want to date us.”

“The only date we’ll ever be able to get is each other.” Dan joked.

“Yeah, maybe we’ll just have to date.” Phil smiled (though a universe in which him and Dan were dating kept becoming easier to imagine).

“But, actually,” Dan brought the conversation back to the topic at hand, “Should we practise now?”

“Sure,” Phil tried to sound more confident than he felt, his nerves from before instantly returning.

“I’ll come over there?” Dan said, it coming out as more of a question than a statement.

“Oh, yeah,” Phil sat up and scooted over so that there was room for Dan to sit on the bed next to him.

When Dan sat down the mattress sank slightly, and they ended up sitting closer than intended, but neither of them made any effort to move away because at this point that seemed rather pointless. Their arms brushed together and Phil felt like his arm was tingling there. Meanwhile Dan could barely breath, half from the nerves and half from the smell that sitting so close to Phil brought. Because Phil always smelled indescribably good, like warm and strawberries and the scent of boy (in the good way) and they were both silent as these thoughts raced through their heads, thinking about what they were about to do.

Realistically, the both knew that one kiss wasn’t going to ruin their friendship or anything. Plenty of friends had probably kissed before. But for some reason it felt like this was more than that. Only it couldn’t be. Because they were just kissing for practise for their fake relationship. It couldn’t mean anything because if that was true it would mean that at least one of them was falling for the other and unlike a simple kiss between two friends, that was something that could likely ruin a friendship. So this couldn’t mean anything. It wouldn’t.

But Phil’s skin was already tingling and he was thinking about how nice it would be to hold Dan close, his hand tangled lightly in his hair. Or maybe his hands would be on Dan’s back, pulling him closer.

Dan was thinking about how Phil was probably really good at kissing, as Phil was really good as most things. He thought about how it would feel to finally kiss a boy. He had been waiting for this for so long. He had never expected that it would be with Phil, but for some reason, it didn’t feel wrong that it was.

“So,” Phil broke the silence that felt like it had been going on forever when it had really only been a few moments as all the thoughts flew through their brains. “Should we just go for it?”

“Sure,” Dan internally swore because he wasn’t ready at all, but this was as close as he was going to ever be. And even though the thought of kissing was terrifying, Dan knew that he wanted, needed, to kiss Phil.

So one of them, later they would never be able to remember who it was that finally did it, leaned in slightly and their lips were pressed together. And it didn’t feel wrong at all.

Phil ended up putting his hands on Dan’s back, his fingers curling as they gripped onto his shirt. And Dan loved the way that felt, but not nearly as much as the actual kissing because holy fuck he was kissing a boy and it felt so much better than he had ever imagined and all the things he had been worrying about for years were validated.

Their lips moved together softly until they absolutely had to break apart to take a breath. Both of them couldn’t stop smiling afterwards and Dan was so cute Phil couldn’t resist giving him one more quick kiss.

“Well,” Dan started before stopping because he was smiling so much and his heart felt like it might burst so he couldn’t quite get the words out.

“Yeah,” Phil agreed, equally as breathless. “Maybe we should do a little more practise?” He said, only half joking.

“Just a little friendly kissing.” Dan teased back, but he was mostly serious too.

“Why not?” Phil smirked.

“Why not.” Dan echoed back before leaning in to kiss Phil again.

And somehow it was even better than the first.

Luckily, it was only a couple days later that a perfect opportunity came up for Dan and Phil to put this new practice into action. The girl that Dan sat next to in english was having a party and somehow during one of their conversations about it, Dan got him and Phil invited. Most everyone from their grade was welcome, so it wasn’t the invitation itself that was a big deal but rather that it would be the perfect chance to be seen as a couple by people that they didn’t necessarily sit with at lunch.

The party was set to be the following friday (when the girl’s mom was out of town) so they still had a little time to wait. Neither of the boys minded much though as that meant they weren’t moving closer to the inevitable “breakup”, which both of them were beginning to dread for some reason. Also, it gave them more time to practise. After all, practise makes perfect.

Yet, soon enough it was the night of the party and Dan was arriving at Phil’s house to pick him up so that they could drive there. He tried to text Phil to get him to meet him in the car, but Phil texted back frantically that he still didn’t know what to wear so Dan reluctantly got out his car and made his way to Phil’s front door.

He walked in without knocking as that’s what they always did whenever they were at each other’s house - as long as the front door was unlocked they could walk right in.

“Phil,” Dan called out, as he wandered down the hallway towards Phil’s room. “Come on.” He complained. “Just pick out goddamn shirt, it’s not that hard.”

“Oh says you,” Phil swung his bedroom door open to let Dan in. “I’m sure you’ve had that outfit picked out for a week.” He wasn’t wearing a shirt yet, only his black jeans, and it seemed like all the shirts he owned were scattered on the floor.

Dan didn’t really notice the stuff on the floor though. He was too busy trying not to stare at Phil’s bare chest (and miserably failing) to really see anything else. “You’re giving me far too much credit for advance planning.” He managed to respond to Phil’s comment about his clothes.

“Oh yeah,” Phil mused, “I forgot. You’re the type of person who can do everything last minute and still manage to somehow be both flawless and on time.”

“Just barely on time,” Dan countered.

“True,” Phil smiled. Normally he had to be the one stressing out and pushing Dan along to make sure they got out the door at the right time. “What should I wear though?” Phil brought the conversation back to his predicament.

“I don’t know,” Dan shrugged, “You look good in literally anything, I don’t think you need to put this much thought into it.” He said without really thinking. “Besides, if everything goes how we want it to people will be concentrating on the fact that we’re dating more than whatever clothes you finally put on.”

“Okay, fine, if it’s that easy why don’t you just pick a shirt out for me.” Phil replied.

“Sure,” Dan looked around on the floor at all the clothes scattered there for the first time since he had walked through Phil’s bedroom door. “Wear this one.” He handed Phil a black jumper with constellations on the back.

“Of course you pick the black one,” Phil pointed out as he took it from Dan’s hands.

“You look good in black.” Dan felt almost disappointed that Phil was putting on a shirt at all, but he always looked stunning in black so that made it at least slightly better.

“I thought you said I looked good in all colours,” Phil teased, his voice muffled as he was midway putting the jumper on.

“Shut up,” Even Dan would admit that his friendly flirting was a bit more obvious tonight. “Are you ready to go now?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Phil grabbed his phone off his bed and put it in his pocket before roughly slipping on some vans that he could tie in the car. “Let’s go.” He walked out into the hallway with Dan following closely behind. “Oh and Dan,” Phil turned around so quickly that Dan almost ran into him. “For the record, you always look good in black too.”

“T-thanks.” Dan managed in reply.

“You’re welcome,” Phil smiled his normal goofy smile before turning back around and continuing towards the door.

The drive to the party didn’t take long, especially with them blasting music and singing along the whole way there. Before going in they decided that Phil would be the designated driver considering he hated the taste of beer to begin with so he wouldn’t mind the not drinking as much. They also decided that they would just do the whole kissing thing when it felt right. That was why they had practised after all, so that it would look natural when they had to do it in front of other people.

The party was full of people that they recognized from school but most of them were already more drunk than either of the boys planned on getting. There were plenty of couples making out too, so at least they wouldn’t be out of place later.

Neither of them really knew what to do but the loud music was pretty good and soon enough someone offered them drinks that they both accepted (even though Phil knew he wasn’t going to drink it, the person offering seemed excited enough that he hadn’t wanted to offend them by saying no). On the other hand, Dan was glad for the surprisingly cool beer that actually tasted pretty decent after a few sips. The taste wasn’t even important though as it helped with his nerves and that was what really mattered.

Dan wasn’t even sure why he was nervous. He didn’t have a problem with people knowing they were dating or really even with the fact that he was going to have to kiss his friend again. In fact, he was kinda looking forward to it, Phil was quite a good kisser. So why was he nervous?

“Shit” Dan muttered when he realised it.

“What?” Phil heard him even over the loud music because they had never moved more than a few inches apart since they had gotten there.

“Nothing.” Dan quickly replied.

But really everything was wrong. Because Dan wasn’t nervous. He was excited. The feeling in his stomach wasn’t one of anxiety, but rather anticipation. Dan was looking forward to being able to kiss Phil again because yeah, Phil was a fucking great kisser, but also because Dan wanted to be kissing Phil all the time, like you would do with your boyfriend. And they were boyfriends. Only none of it was real. And Dan had fucked it all up by catching feelings. Shit.

It made more sense the more he thought about it. Their friends had been right all along, Dan had been too oblvious to even notice his own feelings. God, Dan began to realise that he had had a crush on Phil forever.

But if their friends were right about him, maybe they were right about Phil too. Maybe they were right about their mutual attraction.

But Dan couldn’t let himself think that. He couldn’t give himself that shred of hope because if it turned out to be wrong he knew that he would be destroyed.

Yet Dan couldn’t bring any of these revelations up know. They were still at the party with the loud music and the now empty beer gripped in his hand. Phil was still standing next to him, their arms brushing and wait, they were holding hands? Dan didn’t remember that starting. Suddenly the room felt too hot and Phil was too close and Dan felt like the world was spinning around him.

“You alright?” Phil asked again, concern in his eyes.

“Yeah,” Dan leaned in even closer to talk to him. “Just thinking.”

“Thinking is where you run into all your problems,” Phil teased fondly, referencing the many occasions in which he had to talk Dan out of the crises he thought himself into.

“You’re right,” Dan felt like laughing. Phil was always right when it came to him. Besides, there was nothing Dan could do now and he had just discovered that he had huge crush on the person that he was supposed to be kissing soon. And for now, maybe that wasn’t a problem, because at least for now, Phil wanted to kiss him back. “Do you wanna do the thing?” He asked.

“The thing,” Phil smiled. “Yeah, I’d love to do the whole kissing thing.” His eyes crinkled around the edges.

“You’re so cute when you do that,” Dan said as he set the beer down and his hand made it’s way to the side of Phil’s face, his thumb brushing gently next to Phil’s eye, where it was lined with happiness.

“You’re just cute all the time,” Phil replied, leaning in to kiss Dan before he could respond and any words Dan might have come up with were caught in between their lips.

Dan’s eyes fluttered shut as he leaned into Phil. The loud party around them that had been making him light headed only a moment ago quickly faded away and doon Dan was feeling dizzy for a completely different reason. Because now Phil’s lips were moving against his like they had been doing this for years and fuck they should have been doing this for years. Kissing Phil felt better than anything else Dan had even done and if he could, he would kiss him for the rest of his life. Dan would stay in that crowded party with Phil’s arms wrapped around his waist with their lips moving against each other, and he could be content forever.

Unfortunately they did break apart (though it was mostly so that they could breathe). When they leaned away from each other Phil noticed how Dan’s lips were a darker shade of red than normal. He liked the way it looked. He liked the way that it was from them kissing. Knowing that it was from him felt almost better than the kissing itself.

“You’re good at this,” Phil said, not making any motion to move away from Dan. They were still close enough that he could feel Dan pressed up all against him. Phil’s hands gripped the fabric on the back of Dan’s shirt, low enough that they were practically at his jeans.

Dan wished Phil’s hands were on his jeans. “So are you.” Dan replied, tried to joke but really he couldn’t stop thinking about how fucked he was. The one beer wasn’t doing anything to calm his nerves and the realisation that everything was going to shit. And it was all because of him.

“Your lips look pretty like this,” Phil kissed him again, biting ever so gently.

Dan felt like he couldn’t breath. Everything felt like it was happening at full force and there was none of the fuzzy tinge that came from being tipsy that he desperately needed to take the edge off. Instead Phil was acting like the one with lowered inhibitions when he hadn’t touched a drink all night.

“Why do you keep flirting with me like that?” Dan asked, much more serious than made sense for being in the middle of a party where they could barely hear each other.

“Because you’re my boyfriend.” Phil smiled.

He didn’t get it. Of course he didn’t. He hadn’t caught feelings.

And instead of letting that hurt like Dan knew it would if he even processed the words at all, Dan pulled him closer and kissed him hard. Then Dan drank Phil’s beer. And they kissed some more. The no tongue allowed rule seemed like a distant memory. And after a couple more drinks everything finally seemed fuzzy. Dan stopped thinking at all.

He stopped remembering too, because when Dan woke up the next morning with the sunlight much too bright around him, the last thing he could remember doing was taking Phil’s drink.

“Oh my god, it’s so bright,” He groaned, rolling over to shove his face under the pillow.

“Good morning to you too. Glad I was already awake otherwise that would have been even more amazing to hear,” Phil pulled the pillow of Dan’s head, his voice way too happy for so early in the morning.

“No, give it back,” Dan half heartedly tried to grab it. “I need it to mute the headache.” He closed his eyes again, the aching behind his forehead seemed to be impossibly strong.

“I can get you an aspirin,” Phil was already half out of bed before Dan pulled him back.

“No,” Dan said hurriedly, “I’m sure you already took care of me enough last night. You don't need to do anything more.”

“It’s fine,” Phil had ended up almost on top Dan when he had been so quickly pulled back into the bed. “I don’t mind,” Phil gently brushed some of Dan’s curls off his forehead.

“You’re too good to me,” Dan reached up to run his thumb over Phil’s cheek. There was stubble there, and it was unfairly hot. Actually, Phil always looked like a god in the morning, and Dan was completely aware of how he must look like he crawled through a garbage heap. That wasn’t even mentioning the whole issue of how Phil was so close while looking so hot, and Dan was desperately hoping that Phil didn’t shift at all because if he did, Dan had no idea how it would explain the fact that his morning boner hadn’t gone away and in fact, had only gotten worse.

“Hey, I get some pretty good entertainment out of taking care of you when you’re drunk so there are benefits to the job,” Phil giggled, evidently remembering something that Dan didn’t.

“Oh god, I don’t even want to know.” As long as Phil was still talking to him that was enough for Dan to not worry about it too much, at least for now. “Can you get off me now? I need to go shower.”

“That’s not what you were asking me to do last night,” Phil couldn’t resist joking as he got up and moved to the other side of the bed.

“Fucking hell,” Dan shook his head as he got up. “I’m just gonna pretend you never said that.”

“Technically you were the one who said it.” Phil pointed out.

Dan just flipped him off in response as he walked out of the room.

“Love you too babe,” Phil called after him, laughing.

Two showers later (one cold: dan and one warm: phil) they decided to eat some cereal. By some miracle Dan actually wasn’t nauseous and once the aspirin kicked in he felt fine. Phil said it was all due to his impeccable skills when he took care of him but Dan quickly made him stop talking about anything to do with the night before.

“So, did you want to do anything today?” Phil asked as they were putting away dishes after breakfast.

“Mm, nothing in particular? Why, did you have something in mind?” It was only Saturday so Dan figured that any homework could be put off another day.

“No not really, maybe just some video games?” Phil suggested.

“Yeah, sure, that sounds perfect.” Dan agreed.

Truthfully Phil didn’t care what they did at all, as long it didn’t involve Dan going home. Video games were also perfect for casually banter where they didn’t have to think too much about what they said because they both knew not to take anything too seriously. Even though Dan was somehow better at most of the games, Phil didn’t mind losing. Dan’s wide smile when he teased Phil about losing was enough for him.

“Oh Phil, look who’s gonna win again,” Dan taunted. They were playing some shooting game that Dan had brought over a couple days ago, and Phil had still barely figured out the controls.

“Shut up,” Phil didn’t even glance over, concentrating on only the screen.

“Make me,” Dan looked at Phil when he said it.

But Phil was still looking forward. “You’d like that wouldn’t you.�� He replied easily. It was ambiguous enough but both of them knew what was implied.

“It’s the only way you’d ever have any chance at winning.” Dan watched Phil’s face for a reaction.

“Mm, I feel like kissing would distract me just as much as you so really it doesn’t seem like much of a plan at all.” Phil didn’t even flinch when he talked about them kissing anymore. “This seems to be working much better to be honest.”

Dan looked back at the screen to see that Phil had somehow gotten more points. “Fucking hell,” he exclaimed, immediately beginning to concentrate on the game again.

So the distraction technique of kissing was forgotten, talking about it ended up being enough because Phil won that round easily.

“I deserve a celebration kiss,” Phil joked afterwards.

“Fuck no,” Dan was always a sore loser. “Rematch. That didn’t count.”

“Alright,” Phil agreed smiling. Maybe he’d let Dan win this game, at least to make him stop whining.

They continued playing video games for a while longer. After that Phil forced Dan to started on some of their weekend homework and before they knew it, it was dinner time and Dan’s phone was ringing with his mom asking him to come home for once instead of staying at the Lesters. Dan reluctantly agreed and said goodbye to Phil with a promise to be back over later if he could get away again. It was almost weird sitting his quiet room alone once Dan left, Phil had become so used to there being the two of them there.

After eating dinner with his parents, Phil decided it would be a good time to just listen to music and chill a little. It had been a long time since he had a chance to just sit and maybe doodle or something else litter while listening to some of his favourite instrumental music. Dan used to always make fun of him for not listening to songs with lyrics but overtime Phil had convinced him that they were just as good. They both especially loved songs with good piano and cello parts.

Tonight, though, Phil chose to listen to Moonlight Sonata because it was one of his favourites. Of course that was mostly because Dan would play it on the piano for him sometimes when they were over at Dan’s house. Dan would always insist that he was no good, and Phil would try to make him see how amazing he really was. Phil wanted to tell him how the chord progression made the hair on the back of his neck stand up and his chest tingle, but that seemed a little weird to say so instead Phil just said that it was beautiful, that he would listen to Dan play piano forever. And Dan would blush and turn back to playing so that he could hide it, and the playing would be the most beautiful thing that Phil had ever heard.

This song reminded him of Dan the most though, out of all the ones that Dan played. But as Phil sat doodling a little but mostly listening, he was struck by how everything reminded him of Dan. Video games, pancakes, the colour black, kissing. And no matter how much time Phil tried to spend not thinking about what the last thing on the list meant, he couldn’t seem to escape it and the “breakup” that should have a happened a long time ago.

And no matter how much he avoided it, Phil was sure that he didn’t want the breakup to happen. He had known that from practically the moment he had agreed to do this whole thing, he had just kept it buried deep enough that he didn’t have to think about what that meant. Only now without even spending any time on the matter, Phil was suddenly certain that he loved Dan as more than a friend.

With that realisation Phil could feel his mind begin to get staticy and his chest start to constrict because fuck, that wasn’t allowed to happen. The walls were crumbling around him. All the sleepovers with a bed casually shared and bowls of cereal at midnight and driving to school with the music blaring. All the close to cuddling during movies and the accidental hands brushing as the walked. It would all be gone if he messed this up.

He couldn’t mess it up.

He couldn’t breath.

Radio static. Everything was crumbling.

Breathe.

“Phil, oh Phil,” There was somebody taking his hands into theirs, undoing the fists that Phil had clenched them into. “Breathe, just breathe.” They said softly, counting along to the breathes.

And when Phil could finally think again, he saw that it was Dan, and he felt like he might cry.

“I told you I would be back over if I could,” Dan saw Phil’s confusion as to why he was there. “And I just walked in like normal, I hope that’s okay.”

Of course, Phil wanted to say, but he couldn’t quite form words yet. Instead, he offered a shaky half smile.

“God, I leave you alone for a couple hours and this happens,” Dan smiled back sadly, alternating their fingers together as he held Phil’s hand. He hated seeing Phil hurt like this. “How about I tell you a story?” He offered. “Maybe it will be a good distraction?”

Phil nodded. He desperately needed to think about something else. Dan was so good to him.

“Once upon a time,” Dan began smiling as that was kind of unnecessary but once Phil had told him that all good stories start with those four words, so Dan figured it was a good way to start. “There were two boys who were the best of friends.

They had known each other since they were so little they couldn’t even remember first meeting. Their moms told them that they had met at the park when they were babies. Or maybe they had just been born already knowing each other. Maybe they had come from the same star.

Whatever the case, they had been best friends forever. They knew each other better than they knew themselves in almost every way.

But there was one thing. It started so gradually at first that neither of them noticed. Until eventually, when they were in high school, it became hard to ignore.

Because you see, the two boys had fallen in love with each other. They were both quite dense so they didn’t realise it at first, but it had always been there. In the goodbye hugs, brushing hands, late night cuddling, and in the first time they kissed.

Once they did realise it though, everything made so much more sense and once they told each other nothing much changed but they were so much happier. They finally allowed themselves to be in love. And they lived happily ever after.” Dan looked right at Phil as he said the last part. He knew that this wasn’t really a calming down story but Dan knew Phil better than he new himself sometimes, and Dan guessed that it was exactly what Phil needed to hear.

“Do we get that ending too?” Phil asked quietly. He desperately hoped that Dan really felt that way.

“If you want.” Dan could feel his heartbeat pounding in his head as he waited for Phil to respond.

“Yeah,” Phil smiled. “I’d like that a lot.”

“Yeah?” Dan grinned, “Are you sure because-”

“I’m sure,” Phil cut him off quickly, laughing as he pulled Dan into a hug. Even though the shaking hadn’t quite gone away yet, Phil had never been more sure of anything in his entire life.

“God, I love you,” Dan said, his voice warm. It was different from all the times he had said it before but it so many ways it was still the exact same.

“Dan will you be my boyfriend? For real this time?” Phil had to ask.

“Of course.” The breakup wouldn’t have to happen now. “Would it be alright if I kissed my boyfriend?” Dan leaned back to look at Phil when he asked.

And instead of responding, Phil just pulled him closer and kissed him hard.

Dan and Phil had always been best friends, but this was undoubtedly even better.

#the longest title ever lol nothing has changed #phan #phanfic #phanfiction #phan au #teenagers #highschool #mine

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clarahue · 7 years

Text

What TV has meant to me:

I grew up not too rich, but defiantly not poor. I had box of a TV, and a few VHS’s. When I was I younger TV wasn’t a big thing for me. Sure I woke up early in the morning to watch kids cartoon, and my sister and I hated it when my mother forced us to stop watching TV on a lazy summer’s day. But I had never been invested into TV. Well that was all about to change the summer before I went off to high school.

This is what TV has meant of me (Under the cut cause it’s long, some spoilers):

Special thanks to one of my sister’s numerous ex-boyfriends, I have long since forgotten your name by now, but thanks. It was the summer of 2012, I had just graduated grade eight and was going to high school in the fall. The Avengers movie had just come out, and my local blockbuster had just been shut down (something I had been rather upset about). I had started going to the library near my house to get movies almost once a week. I had fallen in love with the Avengers movie, I had not seen any Marvel movies before and so I had begun to watch those all the Marvel movies. I learned everything I could about the Marvel characters. My family had just gotten Netflix and I began watching all of the Marvel cartoons on Netflix. My obsession for Marvel and comic books had just began. My sister’s boyfriend at the time had transferred some movies and TV shows onto a USB for us to watch. He had put a number of Marvel movies on there for me. He had wanted my sister to watch Doctor Who, so that was on the USB as well, along with the show Once Upon a Time.

I guess I’ll start with a quick rundown of Doctor Who, as Once Upon a Time had a much bigger impact on my life. It had took me a little while to get into Doctor Who as at first glance It didn’t seem like a show I would like. After watching a few episodes I began to fall in love with it. I binged watched from the beginning of the reboot right up to Clara’s arrival in a matter of days. I enjoyed Doctor Who, in all of its silliness, even kick-starting my own friend’s obsession of Doctor Who. Doctor Who has, of course, become something I look forward to and I will often rewatch old episodes. There have been countless times that I have spent hours discussing Doctor Who with my friends.

Oh Once Upon a Time (OUAT), I hate you, but if someone were to ask me if I could have never have watched OUAT, would I have done so, I would tell them never in a million years. As much as I hate the show now, it had a huge impact on my life, sometimes I think that’s sad, but honestly when I look at where I am now I could care less if it was this silly show that got me here. OUAT was everything the little girl in me had ever loved. It was pure fantasy, what my whole childhood had revolved around. I had the funny experience of accidently watching the premier of the second season first. But after I realized my mistake I was hooked instantly. I quickly picked my favourite characters, hating others. I loved the small stories the show told and how it twisted the fairy tales we knew so well. It was like they had a new twist around every corner. I don’t think that I have never freaked out more in my whole entire life as I did when I realised that Rumpelstiltskin was the beast from Beauty and the Beast. Because of the show I was rereading every fairy tale story out there. I had begun rewatching old Disney movies with my sister, ones that I had never watched before or hadn’t seen in a long time. My sister and I had never been particularly into Disney, but suddenly we were becoming children again, dreaming of going to Disney world. By this time I was going off to high school. I had taken an art class, and our final project was to put our artwork up online, my teacher had showed Tumblr and we all make a blog for our art. I asked my sister how to use the site, as being five years older than me she had been on Tumblr for a few years now. She showed me how I could follow blogs of shows that I liked, and quickly I was following every OUAT blog out there. That was how I was introduced to the world of being a fan. As I was learning how to navigate Tumblr, I was learning about ships, canons, OTP’s, and fan theories. I had even began reading fanfics, falling in love with the amazing fan art, and watching fan made videos on YouTube. I quickly began wanting to make my own stuff to honour the show I loved so dearly. I bought the DVD’s for each season of OUAT, which would be the first show my family would own on DVD. I rewatched almost every episode multiple times, I knew everything there was to know about the show. I had even kept a small book hidden underneath my couch cushions, so when I watched the episode I could write down stuff from the episodes. So maybe I had fallen fast and hard into this world, but I guess I was trying to distract myself for my life.

I went few a few rough things in my life, my parents even split up. I have always been an awkward sort of soul, who has never been particularly good at talking to people. Grade 10 rolled around and I was introduced to the people who would soon become my best friends. At first I felt awkward around them, though they were friendly and welcoming. Suddenly one day we realized that we watched a lot of the same shows. My new friends all watched both Doctor Who and OUAT. That pretty much jump started our friendship. Every Monday (the day after which OUAT aired) I looked forward to talking about the show with my friends. I loved hearing their theories about shows, as I had never been one to theorize about a show before. But soon enough I joined in on their fun. I loved talking about shows with them, I had never in my life talked this in depth about a show. It was strange but I was quite enjoying it, I was realising that I liked shows and I had a passion for them. It was around this time that my sister went to her fist Comic-con of sorts, it was a small convention, but she brought me back my first ever comic book, I was ecstatic. Though I wasn’t sure if I would be able to handle all those people I began wanting to go to my own comic-con, I wanted to dress up, and see all the fascination costumes. Most of all I wanted to meet the cast of OUAT, I dreamed of going over to Vancouver were the show is filmed. By then end of grade 10 my friends had thrown a small party where we all dressed up to watch the season three finale of OUAT.

Let me just say that this was the first time I felt comfortable around a group of friends. For the first time I felt I could be my crazy self, I finally felt like I was accepted for who I was. I had found something I loved and a group of friends who were totally awesome. It’s weird to think how we became friends through TV shows, but I wouldn’t change that for the world. My friends love to write. I had loved writing as a child, and like most kids had sometimes dreamed of being a writer. They had told me that they had written a few fanfics. Having a few stories already rolling around in my head, I figured if my friends had written fanfictions that it shouldn’t be too scary to write my own fanfiction. And so I did, telling no one I knew, for I was rather embarrassed. Writing fanfictions has become rather fun for, even though I still get really scared about posting my stories online. I enjoy writing, and I hope that I’ve gotten better over the years. I love reading other people’s stories and I especially love seeing people’s fanart, wishing I was that good.

I’ll quickly mention a few other shows that I watch. Of course having been obsessed about Marvel I was really excited to watch Marvel’s Agents of Shield and have watched the show since it first aired, I consider Agents of Shield to be one of my favourite shows. I watched Merlin, No Ordinary Family, Smallville, Leverage (another favourite), Sherlock, and Firefly. I have been watching Murdoch Mysteries since I was younger and I love the show, but honestly I’m surprised it’s lasted this long. My sister and I started watching Arrow when I was in grade nine or ten. The Flash was always on before AOS so I would catch the last few minutes, and eventually I decided to watch it as well. Halfway through the first season of Supergirl I had decided to start watching the show, and I figured I might as well start watching Legends of Tomorrow since I was watching all of the other DC shows. One of my friends had convinced me to watch The 100 sometime before season 2 had aired. I watched both Agent Carter and Galavant and was sad to see both shows cancelled. I have also began watching iZombie (has become a favourite) and Stranger Things.

Maybe I should give some background to my life, before going into the next phase of my stories. I have grown up in a Christian home, and like I have said, we didn’t watch a lot of TV. My sister was always chill about things, and I, in turn, was chill about things too. LGBTQ characters didn’t grace my screens very much. Sure there was the odd episode of Murdoch Mysteries. I think Jack from Doctor Who (and Torchwood, but I watched like two episodes) was my first introduction to a gay character. Of course Doctor Who has had a few more LGBTQ characters since. My sister watched Glee and sometimes I would watch the odd episode with her. I fell in love when Nyssa kissed Sara on Arrow and shipped them a lot. I had just started watching The 100 and I was still very much in my little bubble. I thought Lexa was pretty cool, she was badass and I thought she was very attractive. Suddenly she seemed to be staring at Clarke a little too long. I had seen those glances before, from the likes of OUAT. Glances between Emma and Regina, but I knew that was never going to happen. So I didn’t think much of this either. Lexa briefly mentioned a past female lover and I cheered internally. She and Clark held a flame together, and she asked Clarke to drink with her, and I was all “Nothing is going to come of this”. And then they kissed, and I freaked out a little. I had been right, those glances were a little bit more. I had predicted this! I was ecstatic, and I totally shipped them. By this time my friend and I had started our own OUAT blog on Tumblr. I got a little into The 100 fandom (not really though). And then suddenly it happened, Lexa died. I can’t quite remember if I already knew about Lexa’s death before hand or not. But Lexa’s on screen death didn’t affect me much, though I was kind of sad to see the character go. I soon began to see the back lash the show had caused. I had never even heard of the ‘bury you’re gays’ Trope before. But suddenly I was reading about all of the LGBTQ characters that were killed off onscreen. That reality didn’t sit well with me, and I agreed with those who began to push for a change. I too began to hope things would change.

So this past year high school ended and University began. Most of my friends had stopped watching OUAT, but I was still watching, mainly because I had committed most of my life to that show. OUAT was going downhill though (sorry those who still like the show) and watching the show almost became a chore to me. Soon enough I stopped watching and even got rid of my OUAT blog. I was pretty bummed out about the fact that I had stopped OUAT. I had committed my whole life to it. What show was now going to become my life? I was confused about life in general too. In truth I was begging to question my sexuality. I had been questioning my sexuality since high school had begun, though I didn’t think much of it as I was rather distracted with life. My sister had come out to me as bisexual when I was in grade eleven, the fact hardly fazed me. Going to University had been rather stressful for me, as I had been very scared. I waited patiently for my shows to return, to cheer me back up. Legends of Tomorrows came back for its second season with Sara as bisexual as ever, and it made me smile. I joked with my friend that Sara was my life goals, she was kick butt and she didn’t give a crap about anything (well most of the time) she was pretty chill, and not to mention kind of attractive.

Season one of Supergirl, for whatever reason hadn’t been my favourite (I’m sorry) but I had enjoyed it enough and had decided to keep watching it. I was begging to really enjoy season two, a lot more then season one. And then Maggie Sawyer walked into the scene with a smirk on her face. She seemed pretty cool, and then suddenly she was saying how she was a lesbian and I was in love with the character. Was Alex getting a little flustered around her, or was that just me? Just me probably. Well then Maggie went and held Alex’s hand, and Alex looked down at their hands. And that zoom in on Alex’s face after Maggie walked away with her girlfriend. That defiantly wasn’t me, was it? Please tell me it wasn’t just me. I hadn’t been too into the DC TV show universe, though I watched all of the shows. But suddenly I was willing to throw myself into it. After reading that the creators had intended to make one of their characters on their shows come out, it was clear to me that this was defiantly going to be Alex’s storyline. Alex coughed up her feelings about Maggie and I was smiling and cheering. It was beautiful. I was looking back on my life remembering how I had been questioning my own sexual identity was for a while now. I, like Alex was begging to remember those little moments. Every Tuesday morning (The day after Supergirl airs) I woke up early super excited to watch a new episode of Supergirl. I couldn’t wait to see more of Alex’s storyline. Could it be that I had found a new show to dedicate my life too? Well unfortunately the show quickly fell into flaws. I wasn’t enjoying it as much as I had, I was even missing the aspects from season one. I seriously hope the show fixes itself up, for I do love the show, and do still look forward to it. I mainly focus on the Sanvers moments though.

Not soon after I had moved into University did I start watching a lot of LGBTQ shows and movies (ps: I loved D.E.B.S). I’m the type of person who can’t handle anything too graphic and likes a happy ending. I watched Netflix’s One Day at a Time, Carmilla, Faking it, Black Mirror’s episode San Junipero, and have just finished Wynonna Earp. TV shows and movies like these have given me characters that I connect with and love to see their journey. These TV shows have helped me realize who I am. Watching these TV shows I hoped that one day I could be strong and confident like the characters on the shows.

I have no clue of who I am or what I’m doing with my life. I’m just a shy girl (not very attractive) who likes plants, animals, little kid cartoons, superheroes, and basically anything positive to do with LGBTQ+ stuff. TV shows are meant to be an escape from our reality, they are meant to be a way of opening up our imagination. I am forever in owe of the creativity put into movies and TV shows. Over the years I have come to appreciate those who are truly dedicated to a fandom, and I think those people are pretty awesome. To me TV shows have always been something special. To me TV shows have been about finding who I am. Through TV shows I found some of my best friends. Through those friends I have learned to be more of myself, and I know that they will accept me no matter what. Through TV I have allowed myself to figure out who I truly am. TV reminds me that there are others like me out there, and that it’s okay to be who I am. Many shows are about people struggling to find their place in the world, and well isn’t that everyone. Sure there have been multiple times shows have let me down and I have learned that it’s okay to just give up on a show. Sometimes life is hard, but I tell myself “I have to see what happens next week on my shows”. It seems kind of horrible, but sometimes a TV show is all I need to keep myself going. I think creators realizes how much their viewers throw themselves into a show. I hope that they will be careful with shows in the future and will make them more inclusive. When I look upon how Supergirl season two started or Doctor Who’s introduction of new companion Bill, I smile to think about the world that we are living in today. I can’t wait for our future. So here’s to all the crazies, to all those who are way too obsessed with a show. I ask all of you, what have the TV shows you’ve watched meant to you?

PS: if you have anything you want to ask me I don’t mind answering :)

#tv shows #personal #about me #ouat #supergirl #lgbtq #once upon a time #sanvers #the 100 #doctor who #agents of sheild

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