@thetomska i love your video essays man but what the fchuk

Yesterday I fucked up

I have ADD and autism. MOST of the time, people tend to not think of it, because I’m quite high functioning, meaning it can sometimes be really frustrating when they underestimate my problems, despite me telling about them repeatedly. Well, yesterday I, a 40-year old woman, who can count the major fights with my hubby over 18 years on our combined fingers. Like, neither of us is the type to be loud and screaming, or ignoring one another. We talk it out and then realise we’re morons, make some more coffee and go about our day. Now, my hubby is neurotypical and I’m very grateful for that. He’s my rock, he has supported me through shitty times, he’s never tried to change the way I am and always respects my personal space. There’s a reason why I waited more than 15 years for him to be ready to get married. The thing is, being generally quite high functioning with two major, invisible disabilities, OFTEN make people assume my difficulties aren’t that bad OR, which is almost as bad, start trying to solve a problem FOR me without my input. The latter was what made me explode yesterday. See, in a few months time, we have to temporarily move out due to a huge renovation which, of course, is stressful, but our landlord is great and things are handled very well. My hubby, who has a great work memory and a lot better planning skills, has been the best by being responsible for gathering the information about the temporary move, calling our landlord etc. This is awesome and I’m SO grateful for that. The problem is, my hubby started to take over A LOT more than I ever said I wanted him to and it all started with our old freezer. You see, generally, I take care of stuff like cleaning the drains, defrosting our freezer, the laundry etc. by myself, and our old freezer that will be exchanged to a new one after the renovations, is... fucked up. So, naturally, I wanted to defrost our big freezing box that we bought two years ago. i also wanted to collect a bunch of old books to get to second hand and place them in a box. My hubby said no to me starting with the books and that just... stopped my flow, but I figured I could start with the freezer instead and then he came in and said no, like... Like I was a child messing up the kitchen, instead of a grown ass woman who knows exactly what she’s doing. I LOST it. And I mean REALLY lost it. I kicked our piles with folded laundry around and wiped down everything on the top of our bureou in the hallway (nothing that could be borken, thankfully) and then I just left, slamming the door REALLY hard and running out in the middle of the night. It was awful and it’s one of only two major autistic meltdowns I’ve ever displayed as an adult. I scared the living hell out of my husband and, which I feel VERY guilty about: he was scared I’d turn violent. I’ve not been violent to anyone since I was ten or something and I grew up in a family where my parents and older sibling unfortunately often had HUGE fights where no one could control their temper or voice - and things DID turn violent at times too. It was absolutely awful that I showed the same signs of uncontrolled anger as I had experienced - and been SO scared of - as a child. So that was on me, completely, and i apologised profusely when I came back and we finally could talk.

No excuse for that.

Now we come to WHY I acted out like that.

My husband treated me like a child and very casually told me no about something I wanted to do that:

1. I had every right to do. 2. Was very much capable of doing. 3. Didn’t require his help or input.

He didn’t suggest or ask me not to defrost the freezer, he said “we’re not doing that now”.

There’s a HUGE difference between “I don’t think it’s a good idea to do that now” and “we’re not doing that now”.

The first one is an opinion from one adult to another, the second one is a child being told no from an adult. In that moment, I very much felt like I was treated like an unreasonable child, by an adult who thought I couldn’t take care of things I’ve done plenty. My husband, on the other hand, thought he was helping and didn’t understand that his “we’re not doing that now” didn’t come out like a question AT ALL, but a casual order, a “no” to a stupid child. THAT, more than anything, caused my crash and burn. But the worst of it, was that I didn’t think twice about how absolutely insane it was for me to take orders from him, let alone him giving them. My brain immediately went to “I’m not being heard = he doesn’t listen = he thinks I don’t know what I’m talking about because I’m autistic = he doesn’t trust me to make decisions = he thinks it’s just fine for him to tell me no like I’m a child”. Enter cause and effect: absolute explosion. He thought he was helping me by not having me take on more work: I thought he was telling me I couldn’t be trusted to defrost the fucking freezer. Eventually we managed to talk it out properly and we’re fine now, but we both take responsibility for our different fuckups. He, by listening to me and admitting that just because defrosting the big freezer seemed unnecessary and/or difficult to HIM, it was neither of those things to ME. And so he apologised for making unilateral decisions about things I didn’t need his input for. I, in turn, apolgised both for blowing up so much, for throwing things around and for scaring him. Today, he made a check off list for things needing to be done before the move and put up on the refrigerator so I could have control too and I made a nice dinner and raspberry pie to make up some for scaring him.

It was a shitty experience for both of us, to say the least, but it also came out with some good things:

1. He realised he doesn’t have to handle all the planning alone. 2. I realised what I saw as patronizing, was a genuine attempt at helping. 3. He understood that a major thing like a move, REQUIRES me being in control on MY terms - of course as long as it doesn’t cause him problems and vice verca. 4. I defrosted the motherfucking freezer today and showed him first hand how damn stupid he was for trying to talk me out of it in the first place. Moral of the story? Don’t treat a disabled person like a child, unless you’re prepared to take a fullblown meltdown.

gyns ive decided to pursue counselling for women's issues bc my TIF bf (im not going to disrespect his identity because of my political beliefs that he also shares -yes he can have gender dysphoria, transition and still be a radical feminist just like you can have body dysmorphia, get a BBL to feel worth something and still be a radical feminist) has a dissociative specialist therapist who is referring him to the UK DID specialist clinic so he can get a diagnosis of DID and guess what. most of his trauma is sex-based.

his therapist who has 23 yrs of expertise said id make a great therapist and that hes lucky to have someone like me who has knowledge about mental illness. she didn't patronise me about using psychiatric terminology, she was impressed and she specialises also in feminist therapy. she can't make a diagnosis but the centre she referred him to said shr believes he meets diagnostic criteria for DID.

i said itd be a pleasure to train under her at some point in the future and she told me "once ur bf has recovered u could train me!" with a half joking tone. she didnt patronise me she followed up the week after by telling my bf I should pursue therapy and this woman is a HUGE inspiration to me. a professional who acknowledges my layman's expertise - i helped get him the right help he needed. my bf is too complex for her so she waived her £120/session fee down to £70 down to NOTHING. she is helping him for free until she moves back to the US. it reminded me of that quote about feminism being an action, not a belief.

i am going to specialise in personality disorders,autism and trauma disorders in women. i am going to find answers about DID being a feminist issue. I am going to help young autistic girls be recognised by their teachers and influence safeguarding training for vulnerable young girls - his sibling wants to be a teacher for kids w learning disabilities too so it all works out great. the psychiatrists who don't believe in DID are likely male bc they cannot imagine the trauma a little girl can go through. i am going to treat the root cause of sexist death sentence diagnoses. I am going to help identify the signs of PTSD in autism and then compare those symptoms to autistic girls vs boys. i want to help develop an autism informed treatment of PTSD and see how PTSD and autism compare to BPD. I am going to controversially examine cluster b and c personality disorders as temperament based attachment/trauma disorders. im going to find out why women are 4x more likely than men to be diagnosed with bpd. im going to find out if bpd and cptsd are even different things. im going to find out the risk factors for developing a severe trauma disorder and i just KNOWN in my gut they are based on sex.

i can help work women who feel alienated from society through gender dysphoria. im going to help women where they have been ignored so many times before. im going to help women traumatised from the sex trade, im going to help women unpack their kinks as masochists, im going to find out the different comorbidities between traumatised women without developmental disorders and traumatised women with developmental disorders.

fuck it im going to make men angry at me questioning the shit they've written down to institutionalise disobedient or traumatised women and im going to wear it with pride. im gonna find answers for women.

i can do this!!! i have lived fucking experience of all of this!! its going to take years to become a specialist in three very complex areas but im going to do it for my boyfriend and every other little girl out there being intimidated by cowardly pedophiles into staying silent.

i have my own shit, my own female trauma i have to deal with first, but right now im giving my all into life. my boyfriend, once he has recovered or at least can manage his symptoms without me needing to be there for him to make sure he is safe, is gonna pursue medical school and go into psychiatry. he is going to listen. he is going to take his time to listen to womens pain, women too complex for psychiatry, figure out if there's medication to help reduce the pain, figure out what treatment they might need treat their trauma and i will be the therapist who will help them holistically instead of viewing then as symptoms to be treated.

i cant wait to decide my own workload, provide specialist support, and be there to tell women they aren't crazy. i cant wait to shatter their negative self-perception and help them grow into themselves. i cant wait to validate their experiences, treat them as equals, acknowledge their pain and be impressed when a client comes in suspecting a diagnosis and commend them on their research.

to the men who ruined our lives: fuck you. we will rise above the shit you instilled in us, the fear you have driven into vulnerable girls hearts, the permanent state of stress induced psychosis you have placed upon parts of women with DID. fuck you. you wont destroy us like you were hoping to. youve set us back but we will come forth like a blazing fire and protect each other. fuck you cowardly pedophiles. so pathetic that you need to threaten a vulnerable overly trusting child just to gain power over them. if i can help even a little bit, I will feel happy leaving this world knowing ive helped one woman heal even a little. I will feel happy causing controversy amomgst psychologists by angling it from a feminist perspective.

women are so fucking strong and they shouldn't have to be strong. they deserve to cry, they deserve to lash out, they deserve to be heartbroken over betrayal. i dont want women to be strong. they have been strong for too long and if I can make a tiny dent in that cognitive distortion that they have to be strong, my time on earth isnt wasted. i will have fulfilled my purpose.

i will keep you gyns updated on my progress. tomorrow I will start my level 2 in counselling. its like the world has meaning now. i am not powerless to help other women. i have helped young severely traumatised girls before regain their independence, and if there is one thing female socialisation has taught me it is how to be a good caregiver, how to be perceptive, how to provide holistic advice. if there is one thing I have learned from rebelling against patriarchy it is how to advocate for girls and women to get proper treatment using science-backed articles rather than leaving them as lost causes.

thank you to the incredible woman who has inspired me like this.thank you to my bf who is an incredibly strong survivor (and shouldn't have to be), and his twin for specialising in autism.

Dave? Dave.

It's been quite a bit since I've written anything here, huh? Well, I guess as it has been for pretty much everyone, life has been kinda strange for a while now. Despite vaccine roll-outs and continually changing safety regulations, there's still a global pandemic on, and everyone is trying to navigate this reality the best they can. For once, we are all, generally speaking, in the same boat now (sure, there are huge differences between countries because capitalism fucking sucks and rich greedy humans are once again proof that things need to change asap, but overall, we all have to deal with this pandemic).

But I don't actually want to talk about the pandemic, it just exists as a frame of what I do wanna talk about.

As I have mentioned before, when the pandemic hit, I was in the last semester of my undergrad studies and writing my Bachelor thesis. Or that's what I was supposed to do, anyway. I did do a lot of reading for it, early in the first lockdown after university closed and we were all attending from home. I was lucky, I had no classes, I only had like three scheduled meetings to check in on progress of the thesis, but otherwise I was free of zoom calls and attempting to attend university digitally. So I read.

After a while, reading became taking a book with me into the sun, glancing at one or two pages, and then just napping for most of the day, and spending my evenings either playing video games or watching some tv show or movie. At some point, I felt like now was the perfect time to rewatch all fifteen seasons of CRIMINAL MINDS, so I did that, instead of writing my thesis. I still occasionally read, but most of the days I just felt exhausted and unmotivated so I stayed in bed and binged my crime show.

As the deadline for the thesis started approaching, and the time I had left fell under a month, a switch in my brain seemed to be activated and, oh, hello, suddenly there was a certain drive there for that thesis again. Which lasted exactly until an email from university dinged into my inbox a few days later, informing me that I would get another month for my thesis, due to the pandemic. And away that motivation and drive went, immediately.

Not much later I had a session with the therapist I was seeing at the time, because of the hormone treatment I had started early that same year. I had talked to him about my concern that I might have ADHD before because I didn't feel like there was anything we needed to talk about related to my transition, so I brought it up again here. I told him how my thesis was going -- or rather, how it wasn't going at all -- and finally, as I told him about some of the issues I experienced while trying to do work for it, he acknowledged that I may indeed have some attention regulation issues. He prescribed me medication to try out, and -- wonder oh wonder -- suddenly I was writing my thesis. I ended up finishing it on time (even though a week before I had a moment of "all of this is garbage, I will never pass, I should start the whole thing from scratch") and got a decent grade for it, too. I've been on those meds since.

Over the last, I don't know how many years, I've always known that there was something a bit wonky about my brain. There were always these things that seemed to come so easy to other people, and try as I might, I just couldn't make them happen. I, presumably, had a lot of neurotypical friends. I also have friends with depression, BPD, anxiety disorders and other neurodivergencies. I have family members with autism. I know my mom suspected I might be on that spectrum as well.

Reading up on many of those things I never felt like any of them described what I was experiencing. There were certain traits, sure, but mostly there was a lack of what I actually did experience in most of them. Even ADHD, when reading about the "required" issues and traits, doing those self-diagnosing questionnaires, I just never saw what I felt represented. And then I started reading about what people with diagnosed ADHD had to say about how they experience things. I ignored the more medical or clinical information, and just looked for people talking about how they navigate their lives with ADHD. And then all of a sudden it was, oh, yeah this, this is relatable. This is where my brain's at.

Suddenly it made sense that caffeine didn't do nothing for me, that a nice, warm cup of coffee put me right to sleep. It made sense how, after only a month, suddenly a well beloved hobby or tv show was suddenly of no interest whatsoever. Staring at the wall for three hours instead of doing a simple task. Drawing in class so that I could pay attention to what is being said. The inability to remember much of my life before 6th grade. Having to bounce my leg so I could read a simple text. Needing to visually break a book down into chapters with colourful post-its to keep me from being overwhelmed by the length of the book. And so many other things. Suddenly, there was a reason for that.

I've always liked doing personality quizzes. Or doing stuff related to my zodiac sign even if I don't believe in astrology per se. Finding out what my Enneagram number is. Or my Myers-Briggs type. Not because I think those things define me or describe me to a T, but because they give me a vocabulary. They give me options. I love answering a bunch of questions and then getting a wall of text telling me This Is Who You Are and then I get to pick out what is accurate and what isn't. It gives me words to describe who I am that I didn't have before.

And it is the same thing with posts or videos of people with ADHD. It gives me a vocabulary for the things I experience and it lets me express those things in a way I wasn't able to before. Before, I was like, doing things that my brain doesn't want to do, feels like running headfirst into a wall because there is no way above, around, or underneath it. There is no door, no ladder, no tunnel, no nothing. There is only running headfirst into it until maybe, hopefully, it cracks. Preferably before my head does. But that is exhausting and most of the time, I prefer to not get through the wall at all, if what it takes is going headfirst through it. Now, I know that what that is, is a dopamine deficiency. The task that needs doing, the task that this wall is, doesn't give my brain enough dopamine. There is no satisfaction, there is nothing to gain from that task, so the brain isn't interested.

One of the things that I recently discovered and helps me a lot in this quest of figuring out how my brain works, is this guy Connor on tiktok, who also has ADHD. His videos are both hilarious and informative. And also incredibly relatable. They might be silly haha funny videos on the dear old internet, but I walk away from most of them going, oh! oh that makes sense, good to know.

He occasionally talks about how ADHD is completely misnamed and how Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder does not actually accurately describe what exactly people with ADHD lack. In one of his videos, he calls it DAVE instead. It's silly, and sounds a bit dumb, but I kinda like it. Dave. Dopamine Attention Variability Executive-Disfunction. Dave. I like Dave.

Y'know, I don't mind having ADHD. Presumably, I've lived with it my whole life so far. And it's annoying as shit some of the time. Especially when things need to get done and they just won't. But I don't mind that, especially now that I know that this is what it is. I've always feared that if I finally do go to a therapist and try to figure out what my brain is up to, they'll just tell me that I'm fine and there's nothing to worry about. And at first, my therapist did say I was psychologically unremarkable. But I guess if you've lived like this your whole life and nobody has really picked up on it, even a therapist doesn't notice (it's called masking, I've learned, thanks Connor).

But knowing is good. Knowing means I can learn things that help. I can take medication when needed. And, looking at the grades I'm currently getting in my graduate studies? Hells yeah, taking that medication and knowing how to deal with certain aspects of my brain helps a lot. It is incredibly funny to me that the best grades I have gotten in my entire academic career have been achieved in my Master's studies during a global pandemic. There is currently an actual real possibility that I may graduate summa cum laude. In my MA. That is insane!

Anyway, I am avoiding tasks by writing this right now. Oh, the irony. I'm gonna try and do those tasks now. Y'all take care. Cheers!

if your still doing requests, can you do something of Autistic jackie being accepted even with his autism? I just need a pick me up. Today was rough. sorry if yiur not accepting requests. Feel free to ignore me if you arent. Sorry i didn't explain this the best.

Aww, of course I will try writing something for a friend who has had a rough day. Please remember though that I am not autistic, and I don’t like to write stories that are too much about Jackie’s experience - I tried to focus more on Jameson’s actions than Jackie, but I’m not sure exactly how it came off, so if I made a mistake, please correct me!! Also I wrote this in like twenty minutes so hope it’s good lol. That being said, hey, I hope you feel better soon :( let me know if you need anything, okay? You can always hit me up. I hope this helps at least a tiny bit. Love you, Nova.

“You don’t like it when I touch you, do you?”

Jackie stills, his body tensing.

He pauses the movie on the bed before them.

“I’ve noticed. I put my hand on your shoulder and you draw away. I grab your hand to get your attention and it’s like I stung you. You don’t hug anybody and no one hugs you.”

Jackie’s hands tug his zipper up, down. Up, down. Up, down. He can’t seem to meet Jameson’s eyes. He never does, really.

Jamie reaches out to set their hands close together, but does not touch, does not touch. Jackie nearly jerks back - and then, relaxes.

“It’s okay, of course,” Jameson adds quickly. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to imply - ”

“Are you sure?” chokes Jackie, his voice shaking like Jameson’s never heard it shake before. Startled, his little brother stares up at him, worried now.

“Sure, course I’m sure. I didn’t realize… sorry, I didn’t realize it upset you this much.”

Jackie clears his throat and stares down at his hands, his eyes wet with tears. Distressed, Jameson clicks his tongue in a low, steady rhythm, soft and reassuring.

“Don’t want you to think I’m… I don’t know.”

Jackie sniffles and wipes at his face, doing his best to straighten up in his seat.

“Messed up,” he finishes roughly, biting down hard on his lip.

“Oh,” forms Jameson’s mouth, sympathetic now, gentle. “Of course I don’t… I would never…”

“I know, I know,” chokes Jackie, covering his face with his hands. “I know, you’d never, no one ever would, but they do, you know, they do, and I know I act - act wrong sometimes, you know? And I know it’s weird, and I’m sorry, if I could do all that stuff - hug you and touch your hand and stuff, if I could make you feel better I would but - ”

“No, it’s okay, it’s okay!” Jameson sits up, throwing off the blankets to kneel at his brother’s side, his hands demanding attention. “It’s not wrong just because it’s different!”

“And I have freak-outs and I cry like a kid and I hate it when anybody touches my stuff and I’m too loud, I know, I’m always too loud, and now I’m talking too much, I always talk too much, I’m really sorry, I’m really sorry, Jameson, I don’t mean - ”

“Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.”

It’s a steady, tangible sign. In, out. In, out. In, out.

And for a long time, they just… breathe.

Jackie’s rubbing the collar of his hoodie against his mouth. Running his hands along the soft fabric. The weight of it sits heavy and reassuring on his shoulders. He fixes his eyes on Jameson’s hands -

In, out. In, out. In, out.

- And he lets himself rock gently back and forth, squeezing his eyes shut, afraid to see his newest brother’s reaction.

Click, click. Jameson requests open eyes and Jackie obliges him, looking up to find his hands held up.

“Is it just skin?” he asks.

“Nnnhg.” Jackie grunts and shakes his head. Words are hard. He tries to sign instead. “Lots of feelings are bad.”

“But with touch, is it just skin, or should I not touch you at all?”

“Oh.” Jackie sits up straighter, rubbing at his reddened eyes. “Mostly just skin… sometimes I like the pressure of someone touching me through my clothes.”

Jameson nods, assessing.

And then he is pressing forward, just gentle, just slow, and he puts his warm heavy head on Jackie’s shoulder, and sits there, in silence.

“Like that?” he asks. “That would be okay? It doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t make a difference, however is easy for you. I would never expect anything from you that makes you unhappy, of course.”

Jackie is smiling at him, his cheeks flushed. Fuck, but he loves this new kid, this new kid Jack gave him. Fuck, but he loves this kid.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, reaching out to flick a strand of hair out of Jamie’s eyes as he draws back. “That would be okay.”

“Just no skin.”

“No skin. No. But I love the pressure, with the weighted blankets and shit, sometimes I just want to be like - fucking crushed, dude. I just want like weight, like - yeah.”

Jameson regards him carefully, still considering. Three weeks old and already such a little professional, such a little friend.

He gets to his feet and darts out of the room.

Startled, Jackie blinks after him. Did he scare him off after all? He didn’t mean - he wasn’t trying to - he just wanted -

And then Jameson is scampering back, a big smile on his face, and Jackie bursts into laughter to see him absolutely covered in every blanket he could yank out of the laundry cupboard, including an extra bed cover, and then he is plowing into his big brother and tackling him onto the mattress, giggling as Jackie yelps and reaches up to grab him, squeezing at his sides through the blanket and flipping him over to pin him down, shoving his face into the blankets up close to Jamie’s face and nuzzling in close, close, laughing and tickling him and throwing him back onto his chest, so that Jameson is one huge soft weight strewn across his stomach and shoulders, heavy and comforting and whistling out a melody of reassurance, smiling at Jackie.

“So like this,” he double-checks, scooting up higher on Jackie’s chest. “This is okay for you.”

Jackie’s laughing too hard to speak. “Yeah,” he nods, rubbing at his face, squishing Jameson’s arms beneath the bed covers. “Yeah.”

“Good.” Jameson grins, self-satisfied, and curls up better on Jackie’s chest, grabbing the laptop from the edge of the bed and pulling it close, so they can both see. “Good. Finish the movie with me?”

“Mm-hmm,” grins Jackie, beaming at him. “Yeah, good, finish the movie with me. We haven’t even see Frodo get caught yet, we got a while to go.”

“Hey! Spoilers!”

“Oh, don’t you pinch at me!”

“Don’t you pinch at - ow! Jackie!”

“Haha, such a little dork.”

“Just hit play! Ow!”

He laughs again and squishes JJ close, pressing the space bar and snuggling down in their blankets as the two little hobbits continue their way up the stairs. He feels warm, and not just cause he’s got a little brother and a mountain of blankets on top of him. And maybe it’s just skin, maybe it’s just the way that they touch, maybe it’s just one tiny accommodation for a single topping in the sundae bar of presentations that Jackie always feels like someone else loaded up for him, but fuck - fuck, he’s glad this kid is here, pressed up to his chest, like the only thing that matters is this - Here is my brother, and here is the best way to show him I love him.

“I love you,” says Jackie. He can feel his heartbeat if he holds him close enough. “I love you, Jameson.”

Jameson nods sleepily, tucked back against his chest, smiling. “Love you too,” he says, in signs Jackie learned just for him, and he’s grown to understand that the emphasis with which he signs the words is special, is certain, is true.

They’re both understanding each other better every day.

I feel that Rasputin would be diagnosed with high-functioning Autism, so him letting us into THAT part of the bunker is an immense sign of trust.

Oh that’s an interesting take! =0 

I’d warn against relating autism to a robot character, since from my understanding that can be insensitive. Though worth saying - I can’t say much else on the topic, because I’m not in a position to do so. I’m not autistic myself, but I know that’s a frequent gripe with my friends who are autistic.

I like to look at it from a programming/development standpoint since that’s been my background and what I’ve been interested in for pretty much my entire life, so I have a foot to stand on when discussing it. It equates well to humans, just there’s always that added factor of unpredictability that comes with the fact that humans are organic creatures and so biological systems lead to unforeseen randomized inputs that influence us in one way or another. But, fundamentally, our minds work almost exactly like computers, and it’s no coincidence because we made computers.

(putting the rest under a read more because I ended up writing for 2 hours on this)

In a more realistic setting, which Destiny can model somewhat, a ‘sentient robot’ would likely be achieved by extensive use of machine learning, which is basically how us as humans develop just we also toss in some gross chemicals to spice things up. Over our lives, we have certain inputs and their respective outputs fed to us and we record them, expecting those inputs to result in those outputs and vice versa in the future, thus allowing us to make more informed decisions should those events arise. The same goes for a computer utilizing machine learning.

In the case of Rasputin, the range of data that Bungie has confirmed he has been fed to develop his sentience is... admittedly very, very small, even though there was a lot of it. And, coming from the background I am, I’m almost 100% certain a lot of his actions that are perceived as ‘diabolical’ are direct results of incomplete data/ignorance (ie. him just straight up not knowing what the fuck would happen) that we are, as humans, interpreting as diabolical because we’re judging him as we would an adult human.

As an example of what I mean:

A parent is at the grocery store with their younger child (think maybe 3 to 4 years old), buying food. They go through the isles and get what they need, go through checkout, pay their bill, then head to the car. As they’re putting the groceries away, they notice the younger child is holding a candy bar. They look at the receipt, and the candy bar is not listed.

Now, you know that what just happened is that the child stole from the store. You know that stealing is bad, and if you were in the parent’s shoes, you would be responsible for their action, and could face consequences due to breaking the law. And so your immediate reaction would be to feel bad about stealing.

The child, however, has no concept of ‘stealing’. They haven’t read a law book, no one has told them about the law, and they don’t know that if you break laws you get in trouble. They are used to being in the house, where they can pick up anything and play with it or eat it or mess with it as they please. In their mind, if they want something, they can take it, because they want it, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Essentially, an older unit (ie. unit with a comparatively larger set of data) is aware that one input (stealing) results in a certain output (getting in trouble with the law) because they have been given that data set to be able to correlate events. The younger unit (ie. unit with a comparatively smaller set of data) is unaware of this phenomenon, as they have yet to experience it or have been told of it.

This does not mean that what the child did was not wrong - it was. However this does mean that the child, after being scolded by their parent, has acquired that datapoint now and will have it as reference. They should then be given the chance to prove that they learned, and will change their behavior.

Same goes for Rasputin, just the stakes are astronomically higher than stealing a 1 dollar candy bar. Whole ass people are at risk here. But you have to take into account that, like the child has only known a world that panders to them and has not learned the boundaries thereof, Rasputin has only known a world that requires him to fight, constantly, to solve every problem he encounters. While he has some semblance of morality, it’s very limited due to his lack of data. He doesn’t know, yet, the boundaries of where the fighting ends and where the rest of the world begins. But it seems like he’s starting to learn where it is, as evidenced by his actions over the past season.

He is, for the first time, learning of a world of kindness (or interpersonal politics, your pick), and the boundaries thereof with the world of violence. He’s doing his best to try and function in it. He’s fucking failing miserably in the most catastrophic ways imaginable but God Damn It He’s Trying, Karen. 

Like, for god’s sake, he’s using war tactics to try and do friends... like bro. No. He’s doing the Warmind equivalent of Scary Kid In The Schoolyard Looming Over Us Threateningly but then being like ‘I like your shirt. Do you like Pokemon? I like Pokemon too. Would you like to see my Pokemon? My favorite Pokemon is Pikachu. I have a lot of them in this save. Its really cool, right? Do you want one? I have a lot, here, have one. It's okay! Don’t worry! I'm not bothered! Can we be friends?’ 

Except the Pokemon are highly dangerous weapons, the save is the secret part of the moon bunker and Tragic Backstories Explained Via Orange Holograms, and the Pikachu is a fucking shotgun and he only has one of them. Which is (like you said) a mind-numbingly huge sign of trust. And That’s Character Development Bay Bee.

Just some me rambling stuff.

Did some colouring for the first time in ages. Was kinda inspired by seeing some artists on youtube who I follow doing stuff for Inktober and drawing isn’t something I’m good at (and practising it isn’t something I enjoy so...) so I thought to colour in with stuff that could be classed as “ink” at least loosely. Nothing fancy, just some of the pages from a daily colouring calender I got in 2016 which I had planned to do each day, but just like everything I try I managed to keep to the “schedule” for like a week or two at the most before it collapsed and then I felt bad about not finishing it. So of course I got a more complicated colouring calender the next year because I never fucking learn.

Anyway... had a bit of sort of fun maybe colouring in a couple of pictures.

I’ve been feeling a little bit bleugh the past few days since however long ago Thursday was (I don’t know what day it is right now). I got the response from the PIP people about my Mandatory Reconsideration. I spent absolutely ages writing up the letter to explain just how the assessor had misrepresented what I said or just outright ignored my difficulties, pointed out the inaccuracies with the factual stuff (as opposed to anything that could be considered to be that word that means “different people might see it different ways”) and also explained how their failure to treat my difficulties as real was discrimination against my particular disabilities (they’re so called hidden/invisible ones like mental health issues) especially with how they used “high functioning” to claim that I can’t struggle with the things which they agreed I struggled with last time I got assessed and nothing has changed since then except that I have an extra diagnosis now.

Their response was rude, blamed the length of time it took on me even though most of the time was taken up by me waiting on them responding, giving me the face to face appointment date etc. And in response to me telling them how stressful the frequent reassessment periods are and how much anxiety they provoke & how they worsen my conditions, they said “Although the health Professional has recommended a 2 year review period, as you are no longer entitled to PIP then there is no review period required.”  Previously I was awarded PIP at the appeals stage because they found my doctors note that they claimed didn’t arrive in the post until then, even though we sent it recorded delivery and we knew for a fact that it was signed for less than a week after it was sent out. Without the doctor’s note they had tried to say that I didn’t qualify, but with the doctor’s evidence I suddenly did. In this letter they are saying that as the findings of the current assessment are “so different” than that of what was decided at appeals before, they’re using the more recent assessment as they believe its a more “accurate” reflection of my condition and so “supersedes” the previous findings. Except the assessor this time made HUGE mistakes and that’s what I wrote in to explain. But they are treating the assessor’s report as medical evidence even though she was a nurse with no training other than the 10 day course they send them on (and I’ve seen the information for autism - the PDF they are given as recommended reading but not required, is outdated from the early 90s and still uses terms which are no longer in use diagnostically). They are placing more weight on her interpretation of what my difficulties are than the actual medical specialists who have dealt with me personally.

My boyfriend phoned up to complain and ask to start the appeals process (they didn’t include the information on how to appeal in with my letter and the whole letter was written as if I wouldn’t even try and should be glad I no longer qualify as if I’m suddenly not disabled because they say I’m fine). He asked how even with the information and corrections we sent in, they still came to the same conclusion, most of which was a direct copy and paste from the original assessment report. It turns out that because we had complaints about the assessor’s report, they went back to ATOS to get a new person there to look over my case. “So why did they find the same thing with the new/corrected info given to them?” my boyfriend asked. They had even repeated the bit on how I apparently “was not offered alternative treatments or therapy, suggesting you don’t need them” even though we pointed out that in the letter we had originally sent in to them, the people I saw at the multidisciplinary assessment after my autism diagnoses had written that there were two other meds I could try for my bipolar disorder and that they had put in a recommendation, sent to my GP, that I be referred to one on one talking therapy. He said that surely they must have seen us point that out in the letter I sent in asking for the mandatory reconsideration. And it turns out that none of that information was sent to ATOS. So the new person at ATOS only saw what the first person at ATOS wrote about me and came to the same conclusion. When we pointed out that it is the PIP team who are meant to balance things out, they just deflected all the blame to ATOS and said the matter was “out of their hands” as ATOS is a third party organisation so they don’t have any control over what they do. BUT THEY CHOSE TO EMPLOY THEM TO DO THE ASSESSMENTS!! So yeah, they do have control over what ATOS do and are entirely responsible for any outcome if they choose to base the entire thing on what one person who met the claimant for less than 2hrs has to say about what the claimant struggles with.

Its ridiculous! How the hell did they think it was ok to totally ignore what I sent in other than to belittle me when I expressed how stressed and anxious the whole process made me and how demeaning it felt. Their response was just to demean me some more. When asked what provisions there were at the appeals stage (which involves standing up in court in front of three judges who are total strangers) for people who are autistic and struggle in social situations, especially with speaking in public, and they said that they had no idea whatsoever, but as far as they knew there wasn’t anything special. And that we’d have to contact the courts directly. Not that we have any of those details because nothing was included in with the letter they sent. They couldn’t even get the page numbers correct at the bottom of the pages. The last page was numbered Page 7 of 4. Yes that’s right, there were seven pages out of four. How did they manage to break an autofiling section of a document like that? They take that little care with these assessments they can’t even get the documents to be constructed correctly.

When I got the letter I just totally dissociated from everything I would have been feeling. And so its been a rough few days as bits and pieces of emotion have been popping through and washing over me in waves of feeling really shitty. I’m trying hard not to think about the whole appeals process because I know it scares me shitless and I can’t do anything about it now anyway. But its just so hard to cope with people just dismissing my difficulties. Its ridiculous because the criteria have not changed. In fact they got in trouble with the courts for being biased against people with mental health issues as their disability (focussing only on whether a person could physically do a thing and ignoring their criteria of “requires prompting”) and so were made to make changes to discriminate less. Obviously the major fines and telling off did fuck all. Its just so frustrating because my difficulties haven’t changed (unless they’ve got worse) and previously I was deemed to be entitled, so why should that have changed just because I now have an extra diagnosis that even better explains the problems I have? Like previously they tried to claim that bipolar disorder didn’t cause the particular difficulties I have, so I missed out on points in one area. However now I also have the autism diagnosis, that category I was denied points in before is now the only category that scored any points. So its like they are totally ignoring that I have more than one thing going on, and that previously I was still autistic so if I was entitled then, I should be now!

When we pointed out how they were being discriminatory in my letter, they responded not by apologising for what I felt was discrimination, but by telling me that the “Gray Report” concluded that the “Health Professionals” (from ATOS who do the assessments) are trained to a sufficient degree to do the assessments without bias. So I’m there pointing out bias and being told “no, that can’t have happened, this report we had done says there’s no problem.” Except I have looked it up and Paul Gray, responsible for the reports actually wanted changes like making the assessment report results sent out immediately to claimants, but the government is refusing to do so. So how exactly are they meeting what his report asks of them? They aren’t! The Gray Report says that they need to do more to gain the trust of claimants because they are currently so inconsistent that is confusing at best and detrimental at worst. Like his entire report is basically “some of these changes are positive, but there is so much more that needs to be done such as x, y, and z” and the government has said “ah that means we are perfect and doing no wrong.” Like his report didn’t even look at the assessors in great detail. It just says that they should be trained to an adequate level, not that they are. And that they should be unbiased, again not that they are. So why quote that report at me?

Just.... urgghhh. I’m so sick and tired of having to fight past what I’m sensibly able to do just to get what feels like nowhere. Like they even wrote in response to me saying that my executive dysfunction is so bad that if the washing up needs to be done, and I can’t cope with all the steps required to do that, then I don’t have anything clean with which to prepare and cook food and therefore won’t eat. They wrote that those things are “outside the scope of the assessment criteria” and so won’t be considered as evidence. So because I can’t clean the house and can’t then cook the food, that’s ignored as a reason why I don’t eat the food. I must therefore be able to cope with preparing and eating food unaided all the time. How stupid is that? I also wrote how my sensory sensitivities affect my ability to wash and to brush my teeth, so I’ll go days without brushing my teeth when I can’t cope with those feels (or am too depressed) and they said “brushing teeth isn’t covered under bathing, so we won’t consider that”. Like they are both forms of personal hygiene. Arguably keeping your teeth clean is a MAJORLY IMPORTANT thing which can impact your health in so many ways (like you can die from an infected tooth, or from a gum infection). But it can’t be used to build up a bigger picture about how far reaching my disabilities are?

And they said that the section on being able to communicate only counts if you can physically speak and physically hear what is being said to you. So my sensory processing disorder which affects how my brain perceives auditory information and how it therefore responds to said auditory information? Doesn’t count. So the times when I can’t tell what is being said because there is a fan making noise in the background? Doesn’t count. The times when there are multiple people talking and I can’t pick out the one important conversation and everything blurs into one droning sound that is overwhelming and causes me to avoid social gatherings that involve many people? Doesn’t count. My inability to tell what tone of voice I’m speaking with and inability to correctly modulate my tone of voice appropriately so I fail to communicate effectively due to it? Doesn’t count. My sensory overload causing me to shut down and go nonverbal for long periods of time so I can’t verbally communicate? Doesn’t count. Apparently. Even though in the criteria available online on the government website for how they are meant to assess disabilities for the different categories, it really should count. But all they mean is “are you deaf and dumb”? (Sorry for the old derogatory terms, but that is literally all they seem to think counts and the way they seem to be approaching this).

And just I have all these feels and they are not nice feels. And I’m trying to remain strong and positive, and trying to remember that I’m trying to want to exist. But its so so hard. And just reminds me how much I hate my life and how I hate how noone (in the “noone” kind of way, obviously some people) seems to care how I feel and how I struggle. And it really doesn’t keep me away from feeling suicidal. :(

Man its so weird to think back and see how many signs there were that I was transgender long before I realized it. I was SO fucking oblivious, I had no clue that being nonbinary was even an option, all I knew was 'well I don't wanna be the opposite gender but I don't wanna be the one I was assigned at birth'. (Except obviously I didn't even know the correct words to describe it) And like... I bought into A LOT of horrible transphobic bullshit, cos I was raised with a biased view of what being transgender even is. 'Trans-sexual people are turned on by wearing women's clothes'. Ugh. And I was completely disgusted by it, since I'm a sex repulsed asexual and everything about foreplay or whatever disgusts me. My parents and pop culture and stuff all treated it like trans people were the equivelant of someone into BDSM wearing nipple clamps out in public or something. 'Well in theory I have nothing against them having that kink, but why do they have to show it in public?' Being trans was ALWAYS only shown as 'oo kinky I like to crossdress in the bedroom', as if it was a fucking sexuality, as if there was NO OTHER REASON why someone would wanna wear the 'wrong' clothes and use the 'wrong' pronouns. I felt viscerally disgusted at myself whenever I didn't want to wear my birth gender's cliche outfits, I denied absolutely everything cos I didn't want people to think I was a pervert. I didn't even know it was POSSIBLE to be transgender and asexual, or even that being transgender wasn't the same as being gay! I said SO MUCH fucking horrible transphobic and homophobic stuff as a kid, just parroting what I was told, and overcompensating for hating myself by making it clear I hated everyone remotely similar to me. While being in huge denial that they were similar to me! And I'm gonna carry these regrets forever and always worry that I stopped someone else from feeling comfortable about theirself and just... GAHH! And I did all the same too about parroting stereotypes of 'crazy people' and 'r*tards' before I learned that this big ol stereotype about autism was bullshit and real autistic people look EXACTLY LIKE MYSELF It just makes me think a lot about how many other people out there might be trans and not have the ability to find out because they've been buried so utterly in this false, bigoted image of what a trans person actually is. Tho also I hate the dumb stereotype that 'all homophobes are secretly gay', like seriously wtf why u wanna escape all responsibility for your actions and say the only problem is gay people systemically oppressing THEMSELVES... ANYWAY I went off on a sad train of thought there but back to the point! I'm just remembering this one part of a school trip that was like one of my most treasured memories for no logical reason until I realised I was trans. I met a new classmate and he mistook me for the opposite gender, and I was like 'HOLY SHIT WHY AM I HAPPY' until someone else 'corrected' him. I mean.. I knew I wasn't that gender either, but it felt like a weight off my shoulders to at least be misgendered the opposite way for once. I felt inexplicably happy that I was looking ambiguous enough to even be in question! And this was when I was like 11, I had no clue what word to even assign to these feelings... And I mean, it was SO DUMB that I never noticed these signs! This is what internalized transphobia does to you! Like 'hey there's probably no reason at all why I always play as a different gender ever time I buy a pokemon game, and get this self hatey feeling in my gut when both options have very stereotypically gendered costumes'. And 'wow there sure is no reason why I got inexplicably attached to this genderless character and can't stop thinking about ways to prove they aren't real'. Seriously all that debate about 'quina is really a girl/boy' with weird evidence in stat builds and equip items and stuff! I got REALLY into that transphobic bullshit cos it was something that shook up my perception of the world and I felt like if not being either gender was ACTUALLY AN OPTION then id have to address painful things about myself. If I knew I could be that, I couldn't keep lying to myself. So I went in aggressive denial mode and missed this chance to come out of the closet at like 9 years old and save myself a damn lot of trouble! And then I just went through the same bullshit at 14 with Chrona from Soul Eater, and could not explain why on earth I was so upset that the English dub assigned them a random gender instead of translating it properly... And OH MAN how fucking dysphoric I was about puberty even before I knew that dysphoria was a thing! It was like 'hey look you're growing up!' 'NO IM NOT DEAR GOD NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN'. And that led to this stupid thing of me just saying 'well I have the mental age of a seven year old LOL' to excuse whenever I acted 'weird'. My forum avatar and stuff was a doodle of myself in chibi form, etc. (Even literally wearing chest binding... I only knee at the time that it was 'a martial arts thing' tho.) Like, I'd got all these messages that not wanting sex was 'childish' and not wanting my body to change was obviously 'immature', and when I was undiagnosed with mental illness and trying yo make up excuses for how I TOTALKY didn't have a mental illness, all I could say was 'ha ha I'm totally uhh... Doing it on purpose? Cos I'm so... Quirky?' I got obsessed with overacting as a class clown, cos I mean you can also excuse cross dressing as a thing that 'the comic relief character' does... And OH MAN, like my big Special Interest throughout all of high school was Norse myth, more specifically Loki. I was FASCINATED with the idea of a shape shifter who could be either gender, and was completely unashamed about it. And, of course, I used to play it off as 'ha ha isn't it so funny he turned into a girl', when I seriously did not have any clue WHY it was funny, I just thought I had to say it. It HAD to be the reason I was so sympathetic yo this character, right? Because he's A FUNNY JOKE?? And man then I got so obsessed with researching non gendered English pronouns from the 18th century and championing how they should totally come back into modern language and EVEN THEN I was in denial! It took until I played Magical Diary to realise 'well fuck I'm trans'. It took a game outright saying that these genderless pronouns arent just 'to be inclusive of both genders' but can be used for A THIRD GENDER, A GENDERLESS GENDER, A BOTH AND/OR NEITHER GENDER!! A game saying that this gender does exist in human beings, and EVEN THEN I took ages to be sure that it was really real and not just a fantasy thing that the game made up. I mean, quina was totally only genderless cos they're a magical creature, right? (Completely ignoring the fact that the other two members of that magical creature town are both male...) And just.... AAAAAAA I feel like I'm the human personification of that 'no Patrick, put it on the lid' meme No, you're trans. No, TRANS. Trans, bunni! TRANS!! This is what societal prejudices do to people. Even LGBTQ people usually grow up within homophobic, transphobic society, absorbing all the same messages. It destroys our ability to be okay with being ourselves... Its so fucking sad that this happened to me, and it hurts even more to think of all the times I said insensitive offensive stuff to other LGBTQ people back when I thought I was cis and straight... Gahhhh... ALSO, it makes me extra sad that Summon Night: Swordcraft Story 2 never got released in Europe. There's a character there called Arno who's NB and very out about it, and the English translators didn't make a mess of it, or anything. People actually call Arno 'they', and literally their catchphrase is 'Are you a boy or a girl?' 'I'm just a child of the wind~' Like seriously NO ambiguity, character actually getting to dish out sick burns when being misgendered, absolutely NO room for the ol 'well they just don't MENTION a gender, it doesn't mean they were intended to be nonbinary' excuse. Arno outright stating 'I am not a boy, and I an not a girl'. And your protagonist respecting it! Arno is still my absolute fave best handled nonbinary character in all of games. And the summon night series is very inclusive with a lot of gay romance options! Its a shame tho that the only other game with a nonbinary character was never dubbed even in america. But apparently the protags of previous games get a cameo in the upcoming Summon Night 6 which finally will be released in Europe! I just hope they handle Corlal's pronouns respectfully, considering how they managed to do it so well a decade ago with Arno. But then again the Swordcraft Story series is a spinoff so the main games might have different translators? Anyway, let me hug my tiny enby dragon child! Also I'm sad the cellphone app trading card game never got dubbed either, cos Corlal got some cute cards for the valentine's day event. All three dragon kids just got adorable scenes making platonic family chocolate for their siblings cos they're too young to really participate. And they thankfully got super cute totally non-lolicon maid and butler outfits like SERIOUSLY THANK GOD FOR THAT! Just cute ten year olds playing dressup like normal kids. Corlal got two cards for that one! Them being nonbinary continues to be 100% canon, they got a version with both a dress and a tuxedo. AND ITS SO FUCKING CUTE MY GOD ...man I'm sorry this just went off topic into how great that series is But anyway! If I've ever said anything that offends you, please message me about it! I'm still unlearning a lot of internalized prejudice. Also if you want a quality nonbinary werewolf in a cool side scrolling GBA jrpg, look for Arno! Im on mobile rite now so I can't send links n stuff, but as soon as I finish moving my PC desk to the other room I shall spam you all with my obscure fandom's!!!

Self-Defense for the Con-Goer

The following post is being made for the benefit of the cosplay/convention board on 4chan (/cgl/), but /cgl/ has a strong presence on tumblr so I’m hosting it here as well.

A Guide To Personal Safety, Security and Self-Defense at Conventions

Anyone who's read any of our “con horror stories” threads knows well the dangers attendant at conventions. Some of it's the criminal element that shows up to prey on any big gathering like a convention - but a great amount also owes to the kind of cheeto-dusted basement-dwelling CHUDs that tend to populate these events. Since there's been some interest in this recently I've put together some information of great use for *every* con-goer to enhance their personal safety, ranked in order of importance and presentation:

* How to see danger coming, and where it's most likely to happen,

* What to do about it when you notice it,

* The psychology of criminals and how it affects you,

* Your options vis a vis self-defense tools, pros and cons, difficulties and costs of obtaining them and legal considerations to know of, esp. in the context of traveling between states to conventions.

You'll notice that actual self-defense tools are the least important aspect, because an attack prevented is far superior to an attack repulsed - zero risk compared to *some* risk. Without further ado, here's the content:

HOW TO SEE IT COMING:

Absolutely fucking essential required reading in understanding where you will be attacked, and how:

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/five_stages.html

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/fringe.html

Everything on this site is excellent, but these two pages are probably the most important reading for a convention-goer. To boil it down for the tl;dr amongst us:

* You will be targeted in “transition areas” that are sparsely populated, while your attention is focused on getting somewhere else - stairwells and parking lots/parking garages are especially dangerous.

* Criminals will “interview” you with some bullshit line as they close in to attack range; the classic “hey man you got a light” strategy. You win or lose the encounter at this point; if you fail to recognize the developing attack you are probably fucked.

* Criminals typically do not hide; it's not really possible. They simply lurk in places with short sight-lines; by the time you see them they're already close and approaching, a pleasant lie on their lips to distract you for the several seconds they need to position themselves for an attack. If someone approaches you in too familiar a manner in any transition or “fringe area,” this is a huge, screaming danger sign. Have your cell phone in one hand and your self-defense option of choice in the other, immediately.

There's a few other links on this site especially applicable to convention situations, especially in light of the shit we see in the horror story threads.

Profile of a rapist (i.e. a selfish, self-absorbed son of a bitch:) http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/profile.html

Hit hard or run, but never, ever hit them light: http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/ineffective_violence.htm

Both of these relate especially to dangers of acquaintance rape, and given the common practice of splitting hotel room costs at conventions - and even the habit of some people to go “room-surfing” looking for people that'll let them crash in some random hotel room - this is especially relevant. CHOOSE YOUR FRIENDS VERY, VERY WELL, especially before you share a hotel room with them! Your friends also have keycards to your rooms; their poor judgment might well put you in danger. Conversely they might just be ignorant; if you see trouble developing and they don't, SAY SOMETHING!

One problem unique to conventions is the aforementioned cheeto-dusted CHUD. Bluntly put, anime conventions attract a Particular Element in undue proportion; people who have little to no grasp of social niceties and boundaries. This is the source of Problems, especially when said CHUDs zero in on an attractive woman and are unable to pick up on the “no” signals, (up to and including the exact words “please fuck off before I mace you.”) This link addresses said boundaries, and how to defend them in an assertive manner without coming across as aggressive, which might make the problem worse:

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/assertiveness.html

This entire page is good, but this section on personal space rules is very important. When someone starts to violate those boundaries, they're either testing you, or a cheeto-dusted-CHUD (a CDC, if you will,) who doesn't understand them. Or worse, the former posing as the latter. Either way, they have crossed a boundary you *must* defend. Closer than that boundary and they are positioned to do all sorts of things you'd rather not, and if they assault you it's going to make precious little difference to you if it was deliberate or just extreme autism at work.

This is a good start for addressing a very frequent problem at cons - people who violate personal space, stalk, or even grope women at conventions, sometimes in the middle of a huge, crowded space or even the dealer's hall. As so many “con horror story” threads have detailed, many people are reluctant to shout or react for fear of making a “scene” and being told they're “over-reacting,” or the like. My take is that a boundary you don't defend is nonexistent; but not everyone shares that view. If you're one of them, the best advice I've heard is to travel with friends - you'll have allies and backup right there with you, without having to worry about how bystanders will react one way or the other.

(Aside: this particular situation's not one I'm well-equipped to analyze or discuss; those of you with more knowledge/insight please weigh in so I can improve the quality of this guide.)

With all that said, here's some of my own observations, which seem consistent with all the Professional Advice I've read over the years:

1. Assholes are also cowards and they consider women easy targets. I'm not qualified to contextualize this against the backdrop of institutionalized patriarchy or whatever, it's just something I've seen with my own eyes: shitty people are always, always more likely to start shit with a woman than a man. I noticed it at work, even - customers who'd get nasty with our female co-workers wouldn't say shit to me. One was so pissed at being told he couldn't smoke at a gas station that he threatened to pull a gun on one of them (especially hilarious considering she was behind armored glass with a robbery button at hand.) Why they think they can get away with it, I won't speculate, but they do, and that's all that matters. This is partly because they're knuckle-dragging shit-flinging simians who's model of social interaction has reverted to hooting ape mode, and partly because threat displays (macho man flexing I'mma kick yer ass) are a big part of that mindset, and women are obviously less imposing in that regard.

2. This macho man horseshit cuts both ways - I can't tell you how many morons I've heard opine that an openly-carried pistol will “scare away” bad guys like some sort of fucking magical talisman. That's not how it fucking works. Criminals aren't scared of a gun - they're scared of the person HOLDING it. Someone walking around strapped like Butch Fuckin Cassidy will be challenged, and if he flakes, he will be assaulted. Conversely, someone walking down the street without a weapon visible can make a would-be mugger remember urgent business elsewhere simply by 1. noticing the mugger moving into position and 2. easing a hand into their pocket while said mugger is still thirty feet distant. Do they have a revolver in their pocket, or just their hand? Mugger doesn't want to find out - he's already been made. The frilliest Ita getup on earth can't hide the significance of the person wearing it watching you carefully as they reach into their sequined purse. That's the difference between “easy target” and “definitely not worth the trouble.”

With that said, the willingness to resist means little without something to resist with.

THE TOOLS

There's a LOT of options available, not just pepper spray - chief among them are stun guns, tasers, expandable batons and multi-purpose knives. They all have pros and cons and varying levels of legal hoops to jump through.

TASERS are one of the best options. They can zap an attacker at a distance (before they put a knife into you,) can still function as a stun gun after they've been fired, AND they're legal in 45 out of 50 US states. In most states they're either entirely unregulated, or legal to carry with a Concealed Carry License. They're so widely accepted that even the very few states that ban normal stun guns (such as Michigan) allow you to carry Tasers! The disadvantages are that they're kind of pricey; the cheapest models are 500 buckaroos (average price of a Glock, for reference.) Tasers are easily concealable in a variety of ways (and a variety of cosplay outfits, for that matter), highly effective and NON-LETHAL.

Taser Co. has a chart listing laws and restrictions by state:

http://www.defenseproducts101.com/statestatutesummary_page2.html

PEPPER SPRAY has the advantage of being cheap as hell, available everywhere (even in the hardware checkout lane,) and legal damn near everywhere (in the USA, at least,) but it can easily be the least effective option there is. If you use this, buy two cans and use one in practice - give a tree a few squirts so you can see how the stream flies, how far it goes, etc. Pepper spray can also take several seconds to really kick into full effect; if your attacker has his hands on you already it won't save you from a beating - or worse. It's still a hell of a lot better than nothing, but if you use it, hose them down good (use a small circular motion and aim for the face) and then RUN LIKE HELL. Don't stick around to appreciate the effects. Some states might require an ID/over 18 for sales, so plan for this ahead of time and get your parents/guardians to buy you one ahead of your trip, if you’re younger.

STUN GUNS are pretty damn effective too; one zap will drop pretty much anyone like a rock. They have the same limitations as Tasers when it comes to penetrating thick clothing and most obviously you have to be close to the target - but bear in mind that self-defense happens at close range anyway. The average police shooting happens at a range of nine feet, and the average self-defense shooting at a range of six. Stun Guns can be had very cheaply these days AND they're legal almost fucking everywhere - WITHOUT restrictions:

http://www.stungunbuyersguide.com/stun-gun-laws/

Both these items are also legal to put in your CHECKED luggage if you're flying to the con, and the TSA's highly unlikely to bother you over such purely defensive, non-lethal tools. They're also piss-easy to use for anyone, no training needed.

EXPANDABLE BATONS are highly effective physical weapons, but suffer from legal problems in that they're restricted in many states. They can fold up to a package that fits in your hand, and will telescope out and lock with a nice crisp *snick* when you flick your wrist. Then they become a sturdy metal weighted club that can block attacks, extends your reach far past your own arm, and greatly magnifies the power of your strikes. All this helps keep you out of lethal range of an attacker AND they're far, far less likely to do life-threatening damage compared to a knife.  Strength doesn't matter that much for these; the weighted end and the lever effect greatly magnify your effective force. You don't need (OR want) to kill the bastard, you just need him to stop trying to hurt you, and a few love taps from a baton are very convincing. Unfortunately they're flat-out banned in many states, though some others will allow you to carry one concealed if you have a concealed carry license.However if your go-to option is already an umbrella or something seriously consider one of these - they're cheap as hell; cheap as 20 bucks sometimes.

Here's a rundown of the legality. Be sure to double-check your state laws (and the laws of your favorite convention's state) for yourself, however:

http://weaponlaws.wikidot.com/state-baton-laws

KNIVES are one of the most complex options. Knives are purely offensive weapons; they're very lethal, but offer you literally no defense aside from a good offense and the threat of such. However, because state laws are often moronic, the laws usually make them much more attractive options than almost anything else. For instance, my state (Michigan) makes it easy to get a carry permit for a lethal handgun, and knives are mostly unregulated (if it isn't double-edged, you're good,) but stun guns and batons are banned *entirely* and you need a carry permit just to get a Taser! It's far easier to get *lethal weaponry* in my state than non-lethal. It's fucking crazy, but that's how it is. For that reason, I'll discuss knives.

As I said before, knives are almost entirely offensive weapons. This is mainly because they're SMALL. That makes them easy to hide for surprise attacks, but their lack of reach means you can't keep someone from getting close enough to hurt you. Unlike clubs - which can incapacitate an attacker *without* doing life-threatening harm, even if you break their arm - knives make deep piercing wounds that perforate vital organs. A single stab wound can kill you quicker than a small-caliber handgun round, in fact. They're used by gangs not as “fighting” weapons, but murder weapons.

However knives do have a few big advantages. For starters, they can't be called weapons. Small locking-blade folders are extremely common as mere pocketknives and they don't really raise eyebrows anywhere outside a TSA line. Consider this one:

This little thing is legal almost anywhere. State laws almost always ban:

* Long-ass knives (over 6 inches blade length,)

* “Gravity Knives” (butterfly knives, lingering 70s hysteria,) or any “spring-opening knife” (i.e. switchblades,) though “spring-assisted” (requiring a very small amount of force from your thumb) are legal in most states (this is a technical workaround of the anti-switchblade laws.)

* Anything double-edged or combat-oriented (bowie knives, “dirks, daggers, claymores, Sting, etc.)

Small general-purpose locking-blade folders like that Buck knife? Nobody gives a shit. But guess what? It's every bit as dangerous as any other knife you'll ever see, and if it's all you've got, it's going to make a would-be attacker think thrice. Knives are *scary.* Even better, you don't need some fancy, expensive spring-assist mechanism to draw it quickly - even a simple folder like this with a thumb-stud or thumb-hole and no spring-assist can be flicked open very, very fast as it comes out of your pocket:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA_sTMXzazM

Knives can be had *cheap,* too - forty bucks gets you a nice “name brand” knife like the Buck knife I linked, but even a cheap-ass potmetal 20 dollar plastic-sided job from the hardware store will do. And pocketknives are very useful tools anyway. The only other tool nearly as useful is a small penlight. You should have both in your purse, IMO (most premeditated attacks happen under cover of night.) And again, these draw very little notice or alarm from police.

Picture related - this is the knife I carry:

As you can see, it's shaped super tacticool and it's pretty much designed with stabbity in mind. It even has the name of Someone Sorta Famous in cursive on the blade... and for all that, I've never had a cop blink at it, because for all the pretense it's effectively identical to that boring, plain, inoffensive Buck knife I linked - and said Buck knife will attract even less remark.

Knives are also psychologically potent - *if* you are willing to use them. Violent people know damn well how lethal knives are, and the Hollywood effect short-sells the potential lethality of clubs compared to knives; so pretty much everyone fears a knife a lot more. But this is only true if you are willing to use it. Without the will to commit to an attack, people tend to just slash and wave a knife wildly, which is mostly ineffective - *stab wounds* are what make knives so dangerous. Street criminals have learned the hard way that a weapon is not dangerous - a person willing to USE a weapon is dangerous. (See my commentary on “open carry” above.) And you might be attacked not by a street criminal, but a cokehead mugger desperate for your next fix - these people will kill you for the twenty dollars in your wallet without hesitation or remorse. You need to be able to follow through; bluffing will not cut it.

Remember that you've been forced to this extremity by your attacker - you cannot make their choices for them, you can only choose for yourself - and you must choose to survive. What it takes for you to survive is the consequence of your attacker's decisions. Commit to protecting your life fully - channel Mikasa.

Hold the knife close to you and THRUST it at the target - not at the center of their body, but to either side (to get between the ribs and puncture a lung.) It's a lot harder to stab through the breastbone. It's a horrific thing to have to discuss, and again, why I'd prefer a baton or a Taser - but if you're fighting for your life, FIGHT WITH EVERYTHING YOU HAVE. You could also go for the face and throat to dissuade them and make then piss off, but if you connect (quite easy) the injuries might be even worse. (If you do this, keep the slashes SHORT. More like little circles in the air at the end of your thrust, not big sweeping motions like you're swinging a sword.) To repeat, KNIVES ARE VERY LETHAL WEAPONS. ONLY USE THEM IF YOU ARE IN FEAR OF YOUR LIFE OR SERIOUS BODILY INJURY. They bear many of the drawbacks of a gun without any of the advantages - but they will frequently be your only legal and accessible option in an emergency.

This site has an excellent run-down of knife laws by state:

http://www.knifeup.com/knife-laws/

THE OBVIOUS OMISSION

There's one glaring omission in this rundown so far - the Rooty Tooty Point 'N Shooty. That omission is deliberate. Everybody - and I do mean everybody - has a right to safety and self-defense, and that includes people who are uncomfortable with firearms. This post is for informing those people that they've got a plethora of options aside from pepper spray and those fucking useless keychain sticks. This thread is NOT for filthy knuckledragging redstate /k/ommandos (like me) to spew gatfacts and dank gadsden flag maymays, and if I even look askance at that, that's all some people will see. There *is* a lot of good advice to be dispensed on that topic to those interested, but I'll save that for a separate post for aforementioned reasons.