yknow i think ive realized the underlying reason why i always sorta err away from o!ranboo having tits to signify that Shes Girl Now is just that this fandom really needs to expand its perception of trans women beyond boobs long hair and feminine clothing. hell this kind of happens even with like.. fem ocs made in the context of mcyt, or even within [shudders] genderbend work. ive noticed it mainly with like, cranboo moms or even just girl family members to cranboo/oranboo in general where people seem like.. afraid to depict women as. not conventionally attractive, and it has to be clear that nonhumans are women by Human Standards through what us as humans believe are signifiers of gender

and sure theres plenty of people who will talk about how boobs arent inherently gendered, how its important for transmasc fans to see men with boobs so that thats normalized but like. idk youd think maybe in a fandom thatll keep talking about being diverse and shit theyd care to stop thinking of signifiers of womanhood being.. skirts/dresses long wavy hair and tits even on characters who have no reason to have tits. like didnt yall learn anything from the criticisms of movies that went "this one has a pink bow so its a Girl"

WELCOME TO "Raw Ingredients" ep.1!! the game show where we take ur fav cookie. And dive deep too figure out what swims beneath the calm waters of the lotus paradise

today we have the newest adition to oven break, thats right the one the only the cutie!POND DINO!! or pondy for short!

So where to start? Lets see....well for one pondy isn't what they seam,there not a gummy dinosour like the ones we've seen before! They are actualy inspierd by the forget-me-not [or fmn if i ever refer to it again] flower! The name was changed in traslación for what ive heard leading too pond dino to be what we know them as!

Pond dino is also one of the few cookies with the slit eye design! While not exclusive to dragons this trait is ussualy shared among them excluding lychee [wich May play into there potencialy sucubus inspierd design, next ri might be on em ectualy]

wich further reinforces there relevance to the dragon story! And longan there self says that pondy is the only foil to there plan,more on that laiter.[side note: not all slit eye or slit like eye cookies are in the image showned]

Another thing worth of note is pondy's shape and body design, as a New born baby dino it makes sense there small stubby and chubby,but a weird thing is that they where born with not only super long "hair" that seams too twist rather then sway as well as a flower that-

APARANTLY IS EATHER SENTIENT OR APART OF THEM???? Wich all of this leads me too belive this is all apart of there boddy, meaning pondy has 6 limbs [huh kinda make sense why there with lotus now] one set of back and front flippers + the hair flippers.

and finnaly in terms of the design we have pondys color palet! Its quite simple being made out of the face tone, primeraly 2 to 3 shades of blue, some cream yellows for the eyes,flower,and tummy, as well as white for extra detail and purple for the eyes,2th layer of the flower and.....segmentación on the chest?? Im not gonna try to understand why a nonbinary they/its new born lizard that already looks quite femenet needed boob segmentación on there upper body so lets just move on.

As ive not seen the hold story i won't be able to talk much about the lore but looks like there isn't much to cover? They where born from an egg that showed up in a place where "ancient magic once held sway" if i had to guess the lotus palace or the lotus lake its self as it did have quite the amount of magical things besides lotus there self, such as lesser dragons wich while not new as we've seen them all over the place, the little elfs that worked for lotus alongside the hydrangean cookies, and that time longan sent there despicable me looking eye balls there so yeah theres a lot of magic.

And if you remember i did say i was gonna talk about longans "the only foil to my plan" line earlier so lets start with this final segment!, i belive what this line refers to is that there atempts at destroying cookie kind might not be that eficient if life [aka pond] can still emerge from it, they sunk an entierd palace and possibly flooded a hold island and jet a cookie was borned from this destrucción, longan seams to know what this implies as while still a baby pond thretends there hold plan just by existing somhow, maybe will see somthing simmilar to pond in the future, eather other babys from the ananas and pitaya islands [maybe lychee as well idk how bad there island is as the longan break out starts deep below the surface], some kind of figure or presence in history, or maybe a New legend? Who knows!

Side note below if you wanna read

Hi thanks too anyone who reads this far into the post! Even thru my crazy theories and endless rambles y bad grammer, i hope it was understandable to some degree. If you have anything that i may have forgot, got wrong, and even wanna add or share what you think on anything regarding this post feal free to inform me!. Anyways hope this was a ok post at best as i hope to do more like this in the future as it was tons of fun for me even if im not trully sure on how to takle this

honest to god i think the warden wouldve been significantly improved if they had an actual purpose instead of just being There

take the ender dragon for example - she isnt very hard to fight, she only has one drop; an egg that serves solely as a decorative trophy, and a bunch of exp. but when you beat her, you get access to the end islands, and by extension the elytra

and then theres the wither, an optional miniboss thats a bit harder to fight than the ender dragon, but drops the main crafting ingredient for beacons, aka blocks you can use to create an area of effect buff

now these two items arent exactly necessities. for elytra, you can just walk [and, impo, i prefer this over flying over everything because you at least have the chance of finding something cool that you otherwise mightve missed]. and for beacons, lets be real, the only real use these things have is quarries and Maybe a flex to show just how many you can get. for… some reason. but theyre still worth killing their respective bosses to get

the warden, on the other hand, does nothing. all it drops is a single sculk catalyst that, in the newest update, has since been Significantly nerfed from dropping [i believe] 40 exp to 5. 5

really the only point of the warden now is, as its been put, an ambience mob. it spawns in, acts intimidating, but all you really have to do is bring in a bit of wool or an elytra to dip as soon as it spawns

and you would think that mojang “we removed fireflies because they had no purpose” studios would realize this and do something about it, but as of now, nope. and you would think for how long theyve been babying and hyping up the deep dark + warden they would try to actually make it worth going down there, but the only things one would even consider going down there to get is a compass thats virtually worthless for what it is, and a disc.

not even a music disc that you can play in the background- no, its a story disc, which [no hate to the person who made it] is literally just a sound design test. its the equivalent to playing 11 for fun. not to mention you dont even get the full disc, you have to find fragments to craft it

for how much effort they put into making the warden unkillable, i really dont think they put any of those skill points into giving players a reason to even be near it so it can show off all of its ‘unkillable’ glory. also i find it hilariously embarrassing that like 2 seconds after full release people already found a way to farm it. also it can literally be killed with a fishing rod. so

radio, i hear you asking, can you stop monologuing and get to the point. and to that i say- fine jesus :/

my point is, give the warden an actual purpose jesus christ. un-nerf the catalyst. make it drop something that gives you a buff when under sea level like a backwards conduit. give it a boss fight arena and something it unlocks after you kill it like the ender dragon. do something with the frame like, i dont know, make it a portal like everyone was expecting

yknow, just a concept, but my brother thought since the aether developer was on the team, it would be cool to add a dimension similar to it, kinda like a whole “you must go down to reach the top” or whatever he said idk. or maybe i can plagiarize from matthew patthew and say it leads to a dimension the old deep dark inhabitants fled to before the sculk took over or something

also to add on to the bossfight arena ive heard from someone [cant remember their user sorry] that the deep dark isnt a sectioned biome. its pretty much everywhere at the bottom of the world. and ive never actually played vanilla 1.18+ so i can only imagine how it feels to try to go diamond mining only to get deleted by some random warden that you spawned by complete accident

tl;dr mojang “everything needs a purpose” studios stop being a hypocrite and give the warden an actual purpose jesus christ

or, perhapse, maybe they shouldnt have tried to overhaul the entire game in 2 updates. i dont know.

I never got monster hunter rise because I usually only play Xbox. But I recently got a switch, I got the demo for rise but Im not sure how I feel about the controls lol is it worth it getting the full game?

I think base Rise wasn’t that good, some weird choices in terms of how the game progressed and the fact most hunts were a bit too easy, the wirebug is broken if you learn to use it well (never get hit)

Maybe I’m being snobby because World/Iceborne was just that incredible to me but the lack of hand holding and longer fights felt so much more rewarding when you finally beat the wall of a monster hindering your progress

That said despite my negative thoughts — I did enjoy Rise I really had fun and whilst it took a while to learn the controls its pretty fun zooming around monsters, with the bug all weapons can become aerial — something I enjoyed alot, I’m so spoiled now whenever I go back to World get knocked on my ass and wish I had the bug recovery skill 😂

now Sunbreak is out I’ve only heard good things about the DLC which basically smooths out what the base game lacked (more monsters more locales n quests), so I think if you’re looking for a beginners MH game this is it, but when Master rank starts its pretty punishing

Pros: all weapons become pretty accessible due to wire bug, great weapon/armor designs and music (hehehfh just a quality of life thing), palamutes!!! Doggos are the best addition i adore my palamutes so much, rampages: i know this is controversial but lorewise and epicness Rampages are so fucking cool youre there nyooming between monsters kicking ass its just really cool, there feels like the rise universe has more life to it? I actually care abt some of the characters bc they help you out (main reason I made my MH au its very cuteee)

Cons: too easy? Anyone can breeze through the game without needing to farm much, so if you dont like the grind this is ok, the maps…? Idk something about the maps feels eh but theyre not a big deal problem for me and the arena fights are cool

Bonus Con: You must at all costs learn how to use the wirebug because theres a couple fights where you have to use all the skills with it and that kinda made me panic because muscle memory and using a controller isn’t easy for me, I scraped through and O still can’t really get that fight so I just escape before the big attacks akfhfje

Sorry this was really long I think, personally I recommend to buy it on sale if youre not sure? Idk when that would happen though, but if you’re looking to try out a more dynamic fresh approach to monster hunter this is it

I would rate base game 7/10 haven’t started Sunbreak yet so maybe this will change

Edit: forgot to add!! I actually only played rise for a few hours when i first got it then I kinda dropped it for like four weeks 😂 then i told myself nah learn it you bought it get your money from it and here I am

20 things i want really badly for sso to update / add

1. regularly scheduled main story updates. this is THE most important thing for a game that is quite story-based, but something sso has problems with. it makes us feel disconnected from the story and main characters and makes players lose interest, not knowing when we will get more story, or if the story will ever go anywhere. 

2. work hard on fixing bugs and improving functionality - QA testing a lot more on their own. i know the game has a crappy engine and that theyre trying to improve stuff, but yeah, theres just a lot of stuff that needs to be worked on. (i think they should just move to a good engine. a huge investment, yes, but worth it in the long run with the potential benefits from selling a higher quality game and being able to work on it more smoothly?)

3. ability to use photomode and control the camera properly when our character sits down, at cafes, etc, basically just being able to go into photo mode at all times.

4. weather system. rain, snow, fog, etc. preferrably random aside from during quests that need specific weather ofc. possibly with an ability to turn off weather. optional: updated skies for more variety in colours and clouds and all that to go along with the weather.

5. new areas to be released of the ones that have already been hinted at for ages! north link goes where???????? ashland, etc. and also, ofc, for the new areas to be unique and interesting in design, and to bring related main story updates - or “big side stories” like the nightdust storyline etc. i am just longing to interact with npcs for long storylines again and see some drama :( 

6. new tack and equipment, specifically more halters (simple not fancy ones, but cute and colour variety!), would be nice with lead rope too, and ofc blankets, stuff like this. but also more new good designs for tack in general and more colour options for saddlepads and legwraps, it drives me crazy that most pads are ugly and old and hard to match to anything. i want realistic pads with dark, vivid, pastel and natural colour options.

7. new mane and tail styles that are available for all horses (aside from too old models). it makes horses feel more individual and unique as well as giving us options to dress up our horses for photoshoots, eventing, etc. 

8. updated player model with new animations and everything, diversity and good representation in the design options. facial expressions, blinking. i would also love if there were more animations for the player character to pet and groom the horses.

9. our own place to live (something theyve been working on but we dont know exactly where it stands) that we can also customise and decorate. i would prefer if we can choose where we live in the way we choose homestables, for example theres this little house between the rescue ranch and the lighthouse on south hoof that would be lovely to live in. id like to be able to choose wallpaper and flooring, curtains, stuff like that, and furniture. we should be able to invite ppl in as well. optional: the pet that’s in your saddlebag shows up in your home and you can pet it. also ability to choose music from lisa, miscreants, etc to play in our home. it would also be great if when it was raining outside you could hear it from inside your home and see it outside the window. oof actually when i say that now im imagining seeing city lights in the distance on a rainy evening looking out the window while acoustic sso music plays in the bg. can you tell how much i fantasise about living on jorvik by how long this paragraph got

10. customisation in our home stable, to be able to choose designs and colours of the interior, etc. i would love to be able to choose decorations like the ones we see during holidays (light strings etc). i would like the tack room and feed room to be more cluttered and stuff too for better realistic rp purposes.

11. more groundwork type of gameplay, like the working equitation races that have been added lately, but not just “races”. maybe possibility of training for xp in different ways than just finishing a race quickly enough. just realistic groundwork stuff. 

12. dressage gameplay, and more arenas for it ofc. 

13. for jumping courses to keep being better as theyve been lately! theyre more difficult and interesting now and the designs are better! i want for this to continue and im really enjoying the obstacle designs. 

14. pasture - i’d love to see my horses run around and eat randomly out in the field without me controlling them, being able to go up and pet them or give them snacks. it would be cool if a paddock near the homestable was just used for this purpose (where you see your horses, but other players see their horses, etc, and we have the ability to hide other players). maybe it would show 3 of your horses at a time, out of the ones that are kept in the field in our stable manager.

15. new (and regularly added!) quests at south hoof rescue ranch, as well as other places where it makes sense like jorvik ranger quests, etc. stuff that doesn’t necessarily relate to the main storyline (but it might!) and is just fun dramatic quests, but it can also have character developments for hugh and others on south hoof, for jorvik ranger characters, etc. it could also be a way to introduce new pets and horses that are adoptable after rescue quests have been completed, as well as unlocking new equipment related to rescuing, rehabilitation and ranger work.

16. more shops, cafes and other things to do at jorvik city mall alongside the mall being updated in general, and to jorvik city which i really love and just hope aideen’s plaza and governor’s fall will also be updated with more shops etc. (add a dance club to the mall like the fort pinta disco! cafes with different aesthetics and menus, a fastfood restaurant, a fancy restaurant, a photo studio for professional horse photos and for our character, a cinema, a theatre stage like thalia’s idk, that whole fashion week catwalk thing, theres a lot of different things i think you can add aside from more shops which could also be added)

17. updates and additions to the cafe food menus and foods we can feed our horses, goes along with adding new shops and stuff too. seasonal event food being sold in cafes like gingerbread at christmas, chocolates on valentine’s.

18. make archaeology more fun - i still haven’t got all the things after years because i just can’t be bothered to do it, it’s too hard to find all the things and it’s not fun.

19. if fishing is going to stay at all, it needs to be improved and be fun.

20. overhaul of all the prices in the game so it makes sense. there are clothing and tack items that just make NO sense when you compare them to each other both in sc and js costs, or when you look at how meh quality they are. and, i dont think it’s reasonable to make individual equipment items (clothes or tack) cost more than like 50sc at the most (look at the real life cost when you buy sc!!! should we be paying that much for a low quality pixel sweater, really?). a good time to do this price overhaul, would be leading up to the player model update being released, since ppl will be buying lots of new clothes after that.

bonus: give us a ferry from south hoof to mistfall PLEASE. PLEASE

bonus 2: updates to every existing area and npc model, this is obvious and will most likely happen given enough time

bonus 3: 500000 pages of backstory and character development quests and bonding with mc scenes for all my favourite npcs. i would also like to take rowan on a date. thanks

magic kaito is. not rlly worth reading unless u can look past the author being gross btw (there's a handful of Really Good Moments but so many unnecessary gross jokes. and that fun 80s-90s typical homophobia </3) but also I'm going to talk abt it a bunch so you don't HAVE to read it <3

Okay so preface 4 those new into the whole dcmk extended universe (vzjdgss). Magic Kaito was the series b4 Detective Conan, with the first two volumes being published in '88 (and then of course being put on hiatus until '94)! It starts out as a mostly plotless comedy series focusing on Kaito Kuroba, a high school magician and the newest Kaitou KID, a phantom thief notorious for never having been captured. He inherited the KID name after discovering his father (deceased. maybe.) had been the previous Kaitou KID-- Kaito decides to be KID to try and figure out what happened to his father.

As KID, Kaito goes around stealing precious jewels (only to return them immediately after), clashing with a whole police squad dedicated to arresting him in the process, headed by Inspector Nakamori, his best friend/love interest's father. He doesn't really have much motive for stealing the jewels until the series very suddenly Has Plot (this happens in the '94 run, which is also when detective conan started svdnsgs. The art style shift is Very Noticable). The plot is uh. There's a special gemstone called the Pandora and if you look through it while this certain comet is passing by, tears will come out of it and if you drink those you'll become immortal. There's a shady group that constantly clashes with KID over trying to find the jewel, and Kaito learns that they're the ones behind his dad's death (supposed death I guess. he's p likely alive).

There's only been 5 volumes: the first two were released in '88, the third was released in '94, the fourth in 2007, and the fifth in 2017. BUT. Of course. That's just in his own series. Kaito shows up frequently in Detective Conan, with Conan facing off against KID, trying to foil his heists and figure out the magic tricks he's using. I have like a sneaking suspicion that rather than making more magic kaito, the author just throws a KID heist into detco when he wants to write one sgdndgsvshs

Kaito is a fun character... he's just this like shithead teen in way over his head. Supposedly has an IQ of 400 and is very good at thinking on his feet! Kind of a dumbass. Like it's rlly good seeing him in detco being like all suave and in control of the situation and then u go to magic kaito and he's trying to suppress his panic like half the time zvdhsggs Bro He Is Only 17. What the fuck. He's got ppl trying to manipulate and kill him constantly and he has math hw due in the morning u know...

ALSO fun to talk abt how magic kaito does v much feel almost like a prototype detco (ESPECIALLY w/the character designs. Aoko and Ran look Exactly The Same in some parts).... like idk! Seeing them be so similar but then branch off into Very Different Moods is cool (kaito more comedy, detco more drama)

Theres some cool comparisons 2 be made w/Shinichi's whole thing, being that he was v childish at the start and after turning into a child and goin thru All That he's matured a LOT (but still acts childish when he needs to) and then w/Kaito leaning in to acting childish as KID (but is also like. Internally much more mature than he lets on).... it's neat! I enjoy his character a bunch. That's MY bastard boy, ya know?

*  ◜  kristine froseth  ,  cis  woman  &  she/her  ◞  *  according  to  school  records  ,  that’s  merrit  antonietta  unn  hornsby  walking  on  campus  grounds  with  their  usual  iced-americano  from  the ancient  grounds  cafe  .  they’re  known  for  their  long  ,  dark  blonde  locks  outshining  their  surprisingly  tall  figure   and  are  often  spotted  at   the  versailles  garden  reading  wild  geese  by  mary  oliver  .  almost  everyone  knows  their  family  is  worth  like  1.2  billion  dollars  ,  so  we  suspect  they’re  a  member  of   olympus   ,  you  know  ,  the  one  for  old   money  .  do  you  know  where  they  were  the  night  that  the  scholarship  student  died  ?  they  claim  they  were  touring  around  the  campus  for  inspiration  ,  must  be  an  architecture major  thing  ,  right  .  and  hey  ,  don’t  you  agree  that  the  sophomore  reminds  you  of  muffled  screams  into  silk  pillows  ,  the  bellyache  you  get  after  doing  something  wrong  &  vacant smiles ?  you  better  watch  out  h e s t i a  before  something  dangerous  happens  to  you  and  life  ends  at  twenty-two  .  *  ◜  barb  ,  twenty-two  ,  gmt +3  &  she / her  ◞  *

alright alright . it’s me , wrinkle free brain bar from gmt +3 !! so pumped to be here w you sexies mwah <3 here’s merrit’s pinterest board if you’re interested ( pls im a virgo n pinterest addict .. lemme make boards for our muses .. id d*e ! ) imma . bore u to de*th w this intro pls .. forgive me .. i only hav 2 brain cells , this is all over the place HDFJK rip </3 tw: kidnapping, death.

starting w the boring statistics :     full name: merrit antonietta ‘antonia’ unn hornsby     nicknames: mer, antonia, ant, tbc.     code name: hestia ; the goddess of hearth , the family , the state & the domesticity.      star sign: libra sun , virgo moon , scorpio rising.     sexuality: bisexual.     favourite literature piece: wild geese by mary oliver ,  an anthology .                                              “meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,                                              are heading home again.                                              whoever you are, no matter how lonely,                                              the world offers itself to your imagination,                                              calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting                                              over and over announcing your place                                              in the family of things.”

merrit is the only child of the young hornsby couple. she doesn’t remember much of her childhood, according to her grandma, she was the happiest kid. had everything she could ever ask for and more. 

the reason why merrit can’t remember any of this is the beginning of a tragedy — a stormy december night, she and her parents went missing. grandma says they were gone for over five months. a kidnapping case gone cold, they thought. right when the old couple was giving up on them, an angel from above delivered antonia to their door step. malnourished, void of any memory but alive.

life after losing her parents was easier than expected, grandma hornsby ( nee du pont ) made sure merrit would recover from this without any trauma & in a way, she did.

doesn’t have the best relationship with her grandpa, he’s harsh and cranky and too smart for his own good, merrit is lowkey afraid of him lmfao 

she’s currently studying architecture — her dream major was interior design but grandpa encouraged her to pursue architecture to follow her father’s footsteps.  kinda made sense because she’s fascinated by houses .. in reality the insides, the families living there are the real source of interest for her but she’s happy to settle for outside for now gshdjkf

personality stuff !!!

uMM.... i’d say she’s lowkey a people pleaser sdhjkf like ?? making her grandparents proud is . literally the only thing she’s ever wanted in this world n now she feels the same responsibility for every single soul in her life . a torturous existence if you ask me 

can’t say no <3  if she thinks its gonna make u feel a tiny bit better . boom . she’s in .

the friend you’d call to bury a body . no questions asked . she’s pickin up the shovel as you speak asdghfjk unless it’s between her grandparents n you, then *michael scott vc* how the turntables.... sdhjfk shes rattin u out instantly rip

LOVES to talk n listen . fills her heart with joy . a blabbermouth . 

an overachiever . doesn’t sleep much, rocks the dark circles 7/24 lmfao works bc doesn’t like the idea of .. wasting life if that makes sense ??

loyal 2 a fault. mostly to olympus. wld do anything to stay in the secret society / establish her place .

extremely gentle n caring . sometimes ?? its just . too much sdjkf like. tone it down <3

likes poetry ,, especially mary oliver n louise glück ! her fav poem is the orange by wendy cope.

i imagine her wearing flowy, tulle dresses with floral embroidery or vintage pieces idk 

has shit ton of plants but struggles to keep them alive rip

!!! im . terrible at explaining her fr i hate it here ok i hav a vision but ??? i cant explain it

safe 2 say shes having difficulty deciding who she’s supposed to be . a part of her wants to be the golden child for her grandparents n the other side .. jst wants to live her life y’know ??? 

UPDATE ! i’ve realised that by hiding her secret, i also unintentionally hid a big portion of her personality and she comes across as the typical, soft & gentle soul. don’t get me wrong, she is indeed gentle and soft but she’s also volatile and deceitful !

connection ideas !!!

childhood friends - except she doesn’t remember any of it. maybe your muse thinks she’s changed. maybe they don’t care. maybe they are no longer friends . idk 

penpals - seriously ???  i imagine her as someone who writes letters jst bc they’re nostalgic n cute ??? cld be fun.

a home - i kno home’s not a person but a feeling but tell that to merrit lmao. this person’s probably the only one in the whole damn world she’d choose over her grandparents. platonic or romantic, doesn’t matter.

betrothed - super old school yikes. nt exactly betrothed either .. maybe her grandma thot it’d be better if these two were in a relationship . maybe they remained as friends . maybe they hated each other . maybe they kept the publicity stunt ( cue 2 merrit begging to keep faking the rel so her grandpa wld be happy )

exes - a classic. ts this is me trying vibes . on good or bad terms . lingering feelings ? yes please .

bad + good influence - again, classic sdhjfk

saw u at the garden but cldn’t say hi bc i’m a dumb binch - basically someone she has a minor, unrequited crush on. probably knows this person through her other friends but she’s too damn timid to take the first step

a friend from labyrinth . ok hear me out . this is a big deal for her bc she’s all in for her society n v opposed to the idea of a second one even existing . wouldn’t say shes openly mean or .. rude to labyrinth members but ?? jst . wants to protect her own , so this would be a v secret friendship .

a project - could say she has some sort of a savior complex . wants to ‘fix’ people up .. toxic much, mer? <3 anyway ashdjk maybe she thinks .. she can change your muse ? i truly dont know. 

ok final one . its juicy . someone who’s suspicious of her . she has a secret n for the obv reason i didn’t talk abt it, your muse’s suspicious n it’s just . hashtag awkward

these r the only connection ideas i have rn my brain said get tht fire exit door im off im so sorry forgive moi bUT im a sucker for angst : ) so theres that 

something inspired by my queen n savior phoebe bridgers or . folklore ?? yeah.

give me noora / william vibes . the ex friends . the dan / blair dynamic . i live for them ok sgdhfjkl

Doctor Who Tag

yes im a nerd...

CHILDHOOD

1. Did you like DW as a child?

I was 10 when it came back on telly with Eccleston and the first episode with the autons scared me so much my mom wouldn't let me watch it again until a couple years later, but yeah my teens I was obsessed with DW... still am at age 25

2. Your age at the time of the revival?

10

3. First DW episode you ever saw?

‘Rose’

4. Did you have any of the toys?

I still have the eleventh doctor’s screwdriver... I used to have some of the figures but there in storage now somewhere

5. Which DW character did you play on the playground?

didn't play it on the playground

6. Monster(s) that scared you most as a child?

all of them! the ones that still scare me now are the Cybermen and the Autons... genuinely cant walk past a shop mannequin without being suspicious 

7. Joke/story you didn’t get as a kid?

as a kid, any of the innuendo type jokes

8. DW opinion that has changed since you were a kid?

idk I think I still have the same opinions

9. Who introduced you to DW?

parents

10. Did you like Sarah Jane Adventures as a child?

I LOVED SJA!! I miss that show, and Elizabeth Slade :(

DOCTOR

11. Who is your Doctor?

Ten was the doctor that made me fall in love with Doctor Who 

12. Your favourite Doctor?

omg why not just ask me who my favourite child is... (I don't have kids but you know what I mean) if I had to chose my top three are ten, eleven and thirteen

13. Least favourite Doctor?

purely just because he doesn't have enough episodes... nine...

14. Best regeneration?

none of them I hate regenerations :( they make me sad, im too emotionally invested in every single one

15. Do you like “Doctor-Lite” episodes?

they're not my faves

16. Who is the most human Doctor?

I think nine maybe? or twelve?

17. Best multi-Doctor story?

the 50th anniversary special 

18. Best Doctor monologue?

“Hello Stonehenge! who takes the pandorica, takes the universe. but bad news everyone, cause guess who? HA! You lot you're all whizzing about- its really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I AM TALKING. Question of the hour is, who's got the pandorica? Answer, I do. Next question, who's coming to take it from me? Come on, look at me! No plan. No backup. No weapons worth a damn. oh and something else, I don't have anything to lose. So, if you're sitting up there in your silly little spaceship with all your silly little guns and you've got any plans on taking the pandorica tonight... just remember who's standing in your way. remember ever black day I ever stopped you and then- AND THEN- do the smart thing... let somebody else try first.”

not copied and pasted, remember that from the top of my head... its always there waiting in my mind incase I ever need an epic monologue :’)

19, What do you think TenToo/MetaCrisis Doctor is doing now?

hopefully living his best life with Rose

20. Best Doctor/companion pairing?

ten and donna 

COMPANIONS

21. Favourite companion?

Donna, Clara, Amy

22. Favourite secondary companion?

is Mickey classed as secondary? idk

23. Least favourite companion?

Ryan

24. Best TARDIS Team?

Doctor, Amy and Rory

25. Most underrated companion?

Graham, but that may just be cause I love Bradders

26. Most overrated companion?

Rose... I like her but idk, I think she gets more hype than she deserves.. don't @ me

27. Favourite companion’s family?

Rose’s mom

28. Who should have been a companion but wasn’t?

idk I cant think of anyone

29. Favourite (canon or non-canon) DW universe relationship?

Amy and Rory

30. Who did you not used to like, but really like now?

wasn't keen on Bill at first but by the end I really liked her, same with Rory

EPISODES

31. Favourite episode ever?

girl in the fireplace

32. Least favourite episode?

most of Chibnall’s episodes tbh sorry not sorry 

33. Which episodes do you skip?

the regeneration episodes

34. Best two-parter?

Human Nature - Family of Blood

35. Historical, present day or futuristic episodes?

I like them all in there own way but I think present is fave, then historical, then future

36. Episode that will always make you smile?

all of them

37. Episode that will always make you cry?

Rory and Amy’s last episode :’(

38. Best run of episodes?

ugh I cant answer this theres too many 

39. Best cliffhanger?

the end of Spyfall part one when the Master reveals who he is... I was SHOOK

40. Favourite Christmas special?

Voyage of the Damned

SERIES

41. Classic Who or New Who?

new who

42. Favourite series?

four or five

43. Least favourite series?

eleven, I just cant with the writing

44. Which series do you skip?

none

45. Favourite series opening?

eleventh hour

46. Favourite series finale?

Doomsday

47. Best series arc?

Bad Wolf

48. Thoughts on series 11/12?

I adore Jodie Whittaker and her doctor, and although I think 3 companions is too many I do love Yaz and Graham (Ryan is hit & miss). I just think theyve been massively let down by the stories/writing... they’ve tried to hard to tick certain boxes and completely missed what Doctor Who is about for a lot of people.. an escape from the real world into these outrageous unbelievable but lovable fun alien adventures 

49. How much of Classic Who have you seen?

not a lot

50. Who should have had another series?

NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE 

MONSTERS

51. Favourite monster/villain?

the master 

52. Most creative monster?

Weeping Angels, whoever came up with monsters that look like statues and only move when you're not looking at them is genius 

53. Monster(s) that scares you most?

Autons, Cybermen, the creepy dolls from Night Terrors, the ones from Waters of Mars, Weeping Angels

54. Monster you think is too easy to defeat?

idk

55. Least favourite monster/villain?

absorbaloff

56. Monster you want to return?

The Master, I really hope that isn't the last we see of Dhawan

57. In your opinion, what makes a monster good?

being genuinely scary, 

58. Daleks, Cybermen or Weeping Angels?

Weeping Angels

59. Best Dalek story?

Daleks in Manhatten

60. Best one time villain/monster?

my brain has gone blank I cant think of an answer right now 

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

61. Torchwood or Sarah Jane Adventures?

SJA

62. Favourite Torchwood Team member?

I haven't watched it all so I couldn't say 

63. Which Torchwood death made you saddest?

again, not watched it all 

64. Do you rewatch COE or MD?

huh

65. Favourite SJA Team member?

Sarah Jane

66. Mr Smith or K-9?

K-9

67. Maria or Rani?

Rani

68. Do you read the comics/novels or listen to Big Finish?

Nope

69. If you do, your favourite additional stories?

n/a

70. Do you like DW analysis (video essays, fan theories, etc)?

yes

DESIGN/PRODUCTION

71. Favourite piece of alien tech?

the sonic, I love how it is so multipurpose except for when it comes to wood 

72. Favourite piece of Murray Gold music?

I am the Doctor - gets me pumped every time 

73. Favourite TARDIS design?

Ten’s Tardis 

74. Has the 2005 era CGI aged well?

actually yeah, I was rewatching the ‘are you my mummy’ episodes the other day and my God when the gas masks emerged from the faces... ooooooof I was like omg how 

75. Favourite Doctor outfit?

eleven or thirteen

76. Monster with the best design?

not really a design more of a costume.. I live Dhawan master’s costume. that shade of purple, oof he so stylish 

77. Best show runner?

idk

78. Best writer?

Gatiss

79. Best opening titles?

eleven’s titles where the Tardis is flying and being zapped is cool but thirteens music hits different 

80. Will DW age well/stay popular in the future?

I hope so, I feel like its lasted this long surely it can last forever.. if the writers don't fuck it up... 

IF YOU WERE IN THE SHOW

81. Time period you’d want to go with the Doctor?

whatever time means Id get to wear the most beautiful costumes

82. Planet/place you’d want to go with the Doctor?

Galifrey, pre-desctruction

83. Doctor you’d most like to travel with?

any of them, please and thank you

84. Companion you’d most like to travel with?

donna, sceso a good laugh but also I feel like she’d look after me 

85. Monster you’d like to defeat/fight?

The Master 

86. If you could go back on your own history (like Father’s Day), where would you go?

back to when I was a toddler, I wanna see what I was like 

87. If you could ask the Doctor anything, what would you ask?

theres too many to ask 

88. Historical figure you’d like to meet?

Shakespeare

89. How do you think you’d meet the Doctor?

id probably be rescued from doing something stupid and then the doc would be like you know what the bitch clearly needs supervision she's coming with me 

90. Would you travel forwards or backwards in time first?

backwards

IF YOU MADE THE SHOW

91. Historical event would you like to see in DW?

Hamilton

92. Issue you’d like to see addressed in DW?

idk 

93. Who would you completely erase from the DW universe?

Ruth

94. One unanswered DW question you’d love to know the answer to?

where is Clara now?

95. Actor/actress you’d like to see play the Doctor?

Phoebe Waller Bridge (or Lin Manuel Miranda)

96. Actor/actress you’d like to see play a companion?

Andrew Scott (yes I did just basically recast fleabag and hot priest)

97. Is DW “too political”?

series 11 got a bit like that 

98. Which characters fate would you changed?

Danny Pink

99. What about DW could be improved?

I think ive made my options about Chibnall pretty clear... 

100. If you could write an episode of DW, any ideas for what you’d do

bring back Jenny, the Doctor / Daughter adventures they would have. I’m actually writing a fic about it if you wanna read.... here

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??

so my xmas is pretty much over. it was ok 

under the cut is just me giving a blow by blow of my day trying to figure out my emotions. 

the morning was nice though i had problems sleeping and woke up about 2 to go back to sleep at 6 to get up at 8 and be tired all day. 

I made bacon and raspberry pancakes for my family’s brekkie and we opened presents over food. my dad decided it was a great time to collect all the food and cutlery he wanted from upstairs and take it downstairs (his abode since my parents have spilt up) He wasn't too much of an arsehole though he really could have waited till i’d finished in the kitchen to rummage around it trying to find the last bowl of a set ( that turned out to be downstairs anyway) 

We went to my great uncles for lunch. I don’t like having xmas at his much cos he never really comes to family gatherings so he feels more like a stranger than anything. Plus he and his wife are loaded and they invite their rich friends over and i did not feel like talking to people i didnt know. Especially load drunk ones who are the embodiment of the “what could a banana cost? $10?” meme lady. (OK i dont actually know how rich they are but they live in a very nice suburb in a big house with way too much wine and it makes my working class leftist self cringe.) I much prefer to have christmas at my grandma’s run down place that creaks and the kitchen floor slopes because its the uncut bedrock the house it built on, and the only new people i have to deal with are my cousin’s new boyfriends.  

One guy was extremely extroverted and drunk and he was very cringe worthy. Like shut! up! you are embarrassing yourself! and your daughters! He cornered me said he remembered me from when i was little and made comments about how I’d changed, he actually bought up the gender thing which like everyone else was stepping around. 

My great aunt made comments about how much happier i am and how she was glad i’d followed my stars. Like thanks? But also I transitioned nearly 3 years ago?? Have you not spoken to me since then? (probably) Talking to the drunk guy was awkward but it was over pretty quick and i ran back to my mum. 

The food was good. I liked the ham and smoked salmon. there was prawns which stunk and made me feel vaugely sick for the rest of the day. as well as my dad’s smoked chicken. Idk what it is about it but when ever he makes it it tastes slightly off to me. Probably cos im not used to it. There much have been 20 bottles of wine on the table. Like ?? You don’t need a bottle of red and white for every person present. 

My dad opted to go home with my aunt and granny so he could stay and bitch longer. He is an alcoholic.  I always thought I was maybe exaggerating when i said that but mum recently told me that he has attended AA meeting in the past. Apparently when they last separated about 9 years ago he was sober for a couple of months. but then said something like “my life isnt worth living without alcohol.” Which does make me feel a little sorry for him, but also he is such an arsehole when he is drunk, like he can be bad when his sober but drunk him is a nightmare and 100% why mum’s separating form him (for good this time) 

Like mum was so worried during the lead up to xmas because what if he gets drunk and starts complaining loudly about her at the family lunch? And she cant leave cos there’s only one car? Or worse (?) he waits til we get home before (verbally) laying into her and us. I wasnt home but my sister got into uni the other day and instead of congratulating her dad made a big fuss cos no one had told him. I cant wait til mum has her own place. Where she (and me and my sisters) dont have to fear him stomping up the stairs to yell at us. I always tell my self that he’s probably not abusive. Like he is a negative toxic person (mum calls him draining) but he doesnt beat us or emotionally manipulate us on purpose. But honestly whats the difference? I wouldn’t be exaggerating too much by calling him abusive. 

I suppose the difference is that I’m (unlikely) to get PTSD from him? And i feel that it wasn’t as bad as some people have it so am I offending actual victims by calling him abusive? But also as theres no way I’m going to start talking over abuse victims and saying shit like I survived my dad with minimal damage that therefore their stories are invalid that calling him abusive or nearly abusive just puts another blip of the spectrum of this is what abuse can look like. If that makes sense? Fuck this was meant to be a christmas post and now its been derailed. 

Anyway I hope one of them sobered up enough to drive. Because drunk driving is a dick move and also I’m slightly worried that they’re dead. My anxiety is always going people are late? They had a car crash there’re dead. I know not to fixtate on it and just go well its possible but also quite unlikely so stfu brain. 

I spent way too much time on my phone trying to ignore people so now i have a headache. I didnt get to drink because I was designated driver so at least I’m not hungover but I was so tired I nearly feel asleep at the wheel. I came home and slept for two hours straight. 

I’ve changed my sheets which ive been meaning to do for a week now, and had coco pops (thanks santa!) for dinner. I need to have a shower and eat some fruit. Hopefully I’ll be able to sleep because we’ve got to get up again tomorrow and go to my granny’s for present opening. because for some reason we couldn’t do it at my great uncles? Like not that I’m complaining about seeing the family again its just very time consuming and I’ve got work tomorrow afternoon so my whole day will be on a time limit and therefor stressful. 

I feel pretty down though. its probably the headache. Maybe its the fact i didnt get presents from extended family so my inner four year old is sad. Maybe its the weather it was quite cold today. Maybe I’m all socalised out. 

I think its partly cos im disappointed in myself for not engaging with people more. Even though I was tired and therefore socialising is undesirable and they were drunk and too loud. I’m also slightly pissed off at having to go to my great uncles. But also the reason we went is cos he had cancer this year so I also feel like a massive jerk for not wanting to go to his place. 

So all in all the day could have gone better. But also it was ok. Like I’ve long since accepted that the whole of christmas day cant be 24 hours of magical this is a special day feeling. Maybe thats an adult sign or maybe its depression (xmas is less and less fun as you grow up) either way I suppose it could have been a more special day. But also it doesnt really matter and hopefully i’ll feel better tomorrow  

Purpose? Purpose.

My life was perfect til that day. I didn't even have a clue of how good off I was. Disrespectful, ungrateful, angry, but truly, sad. "From the beginning of my time or from the realization of the universe?" Very bold question I ask myself currently. How do I want to convey my knowledge? How do I want people to percieve what i will tell them? How will I word my stories and thoughts in a way that is too hard for normal people to understand? Can I? From the beginning it is! Now, Born Valentines day 1999 was chubby cheeked enthusiastically loved and cherished Lepesh. Born in Minnesota cold. Raised in Minnesota cold. Lepesh knew hot summer fun, running through the sprinklers, water balloon fights, Football, Basketball, Ice cream trucks, Chalk on the side walk/driveway, Biking with neighbors around our nitche. Biking by myself to the gasstation for candy. Waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement, Getting caught waking up in the middle of the night to play video games in the basement. Lepesh knew winter fun. Snowboarding, Snowfuckingshoeing, Sleding, Snow tubing, Snowball fights, Huge snowmen, Snow forts along the cul-de-sac snowwall created by the huge cool snow plow! Wow! I thought to myself  mouth wide open with a smile, as the large plow on the front of the truck bursted through large mountainous snow mounds with ease. Creating wonderous mounds of snow in every frontyard across the neighborhood. Building snow forts and then having a war with snow balls. The point is my childhood was filled with fucking joy and happiness. It rocked man and Im super happy that it happened. I couldn't imagine this shit happening to me before.. Well before it happened. Its 2008. Its december as I sit on the couch with my brother and my parents..... well wait here theres a little more first. February 14th 2008 Im nine years old today. Im in Mr.Larsons fourth grade class. I enjoy creative writing, recess and lunch. although I didn't write much. I really love football and sports around this time. I decided to be a cowboys football fan when my dad said I could choose cause hes too nice to force me into being a Vikings fan. My parents especially my mom but definitely my dad aswell. Let us choose what we wanted. Which I disagree with now and will certainly not allow my childeren to decide what is right. Although Im sure I will at some point definitely not in elementary what the fuck?! Anyways. Decieded to be a cowboys fan cause my dad hates them and loves the Vikings. Which I now love today. Anyways. Im in the car with my whole immediate family driving. I ask where we're going or what we're doing. While heading west in the car my dad tells me we're going to Wisconsin and we're gonna stay the night at a hotel. The entire car ride their my dad is messing with me and im furious. Im certain today if I was in the passenger seat during the exchanges between my father and I I'd be laughing my ass off. But almost at the same time sad and angry of how ungrateful and disrespectful I probably was to my father. Idk maybe I just pouted, which I did alot lol.. anyways We finally arrive after probably an hour or so drive west, not infact in the direction of Wisconsin to a large farm in eastern Minnesota. 'There's nothing here' I thought to myself. It wasn't a desolate farm but damn near close. Large housing for live stock aswell as people. My father then reveals that im going to be getting my own dog for my birthday. I immediately light with excitement and smiles. Joy pulsing in my heart. Ive always wanted a dOG' i think to myself as I turn to my brother with excitement. I can only imagine how wide and big my smile and cheeks were to this day. Entering into the large barn with my family. Me, my brother, mother , and father all enter the barn to the amazement of dogs and insulation lol. From the outside it almost looks like a overly large stereotypical red barn, however the inside has another side to the story. Carpeted floors off to the left held the petting area with already free roaming dogs. while the right side of the room looked as if they did paper work and forms and whatnot. Going right wasn't even a thought in my head. LEFT. Headed for the dogs im stopped by my mom who is greeted by the worker/farmer. Im not even listening to her. I want a fucking dog. Moments go and my patience already thin is thinner. It takes alot for me to blow up even as a child. The problem was the things building up my 'meter of rage' as a child shouldn't have been. Anyway. Finally I head over to the dogs climbing the little fence even a little small for me already tall for my age. Immediately I spot an adorable smaller black dog. I kneel down to sit with it and attempt to hold it. Only to kneel right into a huge carpet puddle newly accompanied by its main ingredient dog piss. Nice. As i tell my mom she just laughs and tells me to be careful. Its what I did worst and least often. Unfortunately that was one of my biggest issues. After looking for awhile. I now realize my dad was probably ready to leave after 10-15 minutes definitely longer than that but Understandable nonetheless. After probably 35-45 minutes of trying to find a dog that didnt shed and was actually good looking. My mom had been carrying this one dog in paticular for a decent amount of time. Asleep in her arms as if a child beautifully sleeps my savior..... The car ride home Hank held the dog the entire time. Almost sinisterly which him being an older brother. acceptable, however frowned upon. Uncharacteristically careful I am as I hold my new dog. Smile from cheek to cheek and thats a long distance lol. Still carefully holding her i slowly bring her and a blanket along with hank to the basement. Where I lay out the fluffy green blanket and set Katy ever so gentely down. Standing next to my brother stareing almost in a daze like trance. We have a dog!' We were so happy. Hank and Lep happy? Together? very rare nowadays. I would certainly come to forget of such times even now almost a foriegn concept of us being so happy together. Now back to the OG storayyy............ Holding katy close weilding her support almost as a weapon to defend myself from such an awful thing. Its happening' I feel it' i just know' its happening' We are able to create our own reality because we (humans) designed a very primitive (in comparison to the universe) way to communicate how we feel. Speech. Speech is very important. Its our first amendment here in the US. say whatever u want. Pretty much. our speech is primitive because it doesn't describe things that we are uncertain of. We have to choose in our speech whether to Have no Idea Agree disagree yes no. Now of course there are exceptions to that. But not to normal people. Normal people can't understand this. If you are reading this right now and are lost for words but think you're 'awake' so to speak. just listen. This is a huge secret to life. Huge. It may change ur life over night. The best part about it is you get to decide. Ask yourself. Am I going to be open minded to what this man has to say? Ask yourself do I want whatever he says to be true in my life?... Just so I can touch as many people as possible and help the (working class which im apart of} hear me out. You may think im fucking crazy or that idk what life even is either and you're right I don't but all you have to do IS ACCEPT THAT WHATEVER IS/WILL/HAS EVER HAPPENED, Happened because you decided it was going to happen. Before you were even born. Before anybody way born. The best part about it. Is that it is unpredictable and it is fueled and directed DIRECTLY from our speech. Whatever you speak out loud for example say I said and I have. I want to fucking die. and I meant it. I really mean it. If you don't mean what you say then learn to do that before anything. Before u start this really take the time to realize ur worth not as a person but as you. Cause you created everything in your world. The best part you created it that way cause thats the way it turns out best for you. I hope atleast. Think about it. You get through everything. most things people kill themselves over. You're trying to make yourself strong for some reason possibly? or maybe catching myself up to everyone else cause I had such a nice and spoiled childhood? Past karma current karma. Thats what gets me. Theres no way a god created this world. But i could've created this world. Maybe im evil just like the world a little bit deep down. I am. Definitely a little evil. Its apart of my soul. Its apart of everyones soul in my world maybe not as much on some people and Ill never know why that is and I don't need to cause, I trust my judgement. It may be wrong sometimes but im still alive today for some reason that I decieded. thats the beauty of myself I truly never know what im gonna do each day specifically. Ill know if im gonna be tired or up for another 5 hours. Cause I will be and Ill feel it. Ill know when i need to fucking pee. But I never know what mindset is right or true for me. partially cause i have shitty short term memory and bad hearing and vision and a bad liver. im 19 lol. Anyway. Basically the secret is speak what you want and mean it everyday. You'll know if you dont want it as badly some days. you might even miss a day. All you're trying to do for yourself by doing this is getting yourself into a routine where you put those '(vibes) or Speech and words/ Communication. Communicate with your universe. Speak how you feel. Speak what you want. Speak how you're going to get it. Even if you're thinking theres no fucking way thatll happen. Theres no fucking way im ever going to pass through college. theres no fucking way id be able to get through law school. I can't be a chef I've hardly cooked. are my common misfires. Misfires however very common after the first few days to weeks will disapate if you PUSH ON! Just like you always have! This is what you were waiting to find. You created the world it is today for yourself today to see this and reconize for yourself today. That you're doing this wrong. Since starting my program I live with partial contentment as a human being. However I personally keep myself open to negative thoughts and wishes periodically to balance my life. However as for most of u assume this is rather stupid but selfless nonetheless. The reason I hold dark as I hold light is because this is what I decieded and this was meant to happen. The decision made by the creator of my universe which is me to write this to you and share what I have learned to help better your lifes for the benefit of them I do not know what I or they gain from this because it is beyond my comprehension aswell as yours. It could be for something of the lines of in 200 years cause I told you these secrets and my experiences and helped you better your life over time and you benefitted and you passed onto your childeren. that no your family lives on in the future 200 years from now. and they're good people. maybe not all. But if taught correctly and this isnt a cureall for everybody. But it significantly helps better improve overall mood and life tolerance in your life. It doesn't work immediately. It isn't gonna take it easy on you just cause you know now. In fact. If you are not open minded currently do not read because this idea sent and recieved and read and processed by a closed mind. Blocks the process from ever having the ability for your mind to hear and read properly as an openminded individual would.

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.

ok so heres the idea for the evil team. most of the time, the villainous teams are making a statement. their appearance means something very specific, its engineered. team flare, for instance, is flashy and attention grabbing, and youre supposed to give them all of your attention, that sort of thing. team plasma are dressed as medieval knights to support an idea of chivalry, of shining armour and good deeds, to make the public believe theyre the good guys.

so you take it a different way. a team that wants to act in the shadows, individual agents acting in harmony with the greater group but ultimately alone. calls late at night deep inside houses. innocent business trips and weekend holidays. its all sneaky.

but you still want to give them a recognisable design. something that does mark them out as a group, unified. so, you keep them mostly ordinary, but with a few key items that might cause a second glance, but without context just seem like some style trend youve just sorta missed. stuff like all of them having long coats and collars that can cover their faces. stuff like them all wearing scarfs even if its summer. stuff like the same coloured shirts. stuff that individually looks generic enough, but when all combined, looks a lil smth smth. stuff like fancy lapel badges and necklaces, a belt with too many filled pouches, a hood that seems to be up more often than not. and then, in an ideal world, there’d be minor variants within that team. like, say they all that a coat and a scarf and a lapel badge. some have long skirts, some have pants, some have a button up pale shirt and some have turtleneck dark shirts. one of them has a set of hair pins that matches the badge, another wears bright coloured leggings, like you just sorta vary it up. the whole point is they seem like ordinary people. you dont think hard about seeing them.

itd get different with the higher ups, and even people like the YT. They’d have a lil more insignia stuff, like itd be more obvious. maybe one higher up is a person with a hoodie that has the teams symbol on it. then the leader, whoever that is, probably has something more formal, like a suit with the logo, a tie with the logo, shit like that. looks like its business for them.

its basically a team of secret agents, almost like team plasma v2 except they arent ninja pirates with a flying fucking ship that shoots ice lasers. 

i just think itd be fun. there could even be an element of it being homemade, like some of the first grunts you encounter clearly handsewed their insignia on their shirt’s left breast and instead of lapel badges theyve got like, those cheap paper badges that you laminate in a circle and draw with texta? like theyre more ramshackle earnest. the higher up you get, the more professional it gets, and harder it becomes to spot them in a crowd because theyve tailored their Look Perfectly.

thatd be a way thered be a brief misdirect with YT. when you first meet them, they look nice and professional, though ofc their aggressive and try to tell you to go home and they probably wont let you leave town (until you beat the gym and cause a progression in the time force). but the grunts you encounter soon after, theyre so clearly members of an evil team but dont share any obvious elements with YT beyond like. dark colours, maybe. or, alternatively, the grunts are super heavy handed in how theyre clearly in the evil team, but YT just looks. like a normal person. a light coloured coat buttoned up but loose at the bottom, jeans, a scarf. just normal. but then as you progress later, and keep seeing YT (but not strictly in direct correlation to the team) and you fight the more sophisticated grunts, you notice the commonalities, the coats, the scarf.

thatd be kinda cool. like for a brief bit you might think YT is a gym leader or maybe even roaming E4 with an ego that manifests in telling people they arent worth shit. then when you notice the commonalities and connect th dots, its like OH its a fucking evil team admin. fuck there they go!

also, itd be fun if theres a slight branch. in the sense that, when you first encounter YT as a confirmed member of the evil team, heading a bit in a city, they dont tell you their name until after you beat them. as they go to leave, they tell you their name, and tell that to the older trainer whose been mentoring you. and you can just choose not to do that. you will encounter the older trainer, shortly after in fact (they dont walk in just after the guy leaves, you meet back up with them after you leave the building). and when the older trainer demands answers to what you were doing, you get the typical pokemon limited responses. you can say ‘i was fighting team [whatsit]’ or ‘i met that guy again’. you say you were just fighting team whatsit, he goes off in a rage about how he told you not to, blah blah. but if you say you fought THAT guy again, he pauses. what about him? then, w/o dialogue choosing, your trainer tells him who YT is, like their name and what they said. and the elite trainer stops. they tell you angrily you shouldnt have gone after team whatsit, but they sigh alot. its basically the same as the other branch, but with a lot of extra pauses and that additional YT mention at the start.

then, when you get to the scene where the elite trainer attempts to flee without you, the confrontation between them and YT will play out differently. if the elite trainer KNOWS thats YT, he’ll be composed if nervous, he’ll be begging for chances, he’ll be rationalising why he fled. if the elite trainer doesnt know its YT, that revelation will shake the fuck out of him, he’ll be a quivering wreck, overcome with the emotion of the fact that YT didnt die, but survived and wants to squarely kick him in the gut off the side of a skyscraper. or something. elito knowing YT is YT will be diplomatic. elito not knowing YT is YT will be emotional. i mean both would be but still. and itd slightly alter YT’s dialogue, they’d be angry at you if you didnt tell elito, but they’ll also be sadistically pleased that they get to see how elito feels. if you did tell elito, yt is actually more emotional, because elito prepared slightly for this confrontation and yt was caught off guard.

itd make slightly less changes later. like, end game. itd have some tiny dialogue changes before that. but like, after the villain story is wrapped. lets say that once you beat the villain and leave and go celebrate, YT comes and just socks elito square in the jaw. just because theyve wanted to for years. they make a speech about how his cowardice caused people to suffer. itd be pretty bitterly emotional for YT. but how THAT ends depends on the choice. like. if you told elito, YT would actually then offer elito their hand and help him back up off the ground, they’d make a sort of apology thats a bit stumbling and weak and full of digs, but itd be clear theyve thought about what elito said in this grunt gang bang and they want to put this behind them. if you DIDNT tell elito, YT will end his speech by spitting at elito and leaving. YT would show up later, possibly as part of post-game content, or maybe they fuck off into the ether like N does, idk.

it might also change elitos outcome. if they reconnect with YT and start making amends, theyd end up in a different place post game, maybe at YTs old home, talking to their parents, and theyd commit themselves further to not doing this again. if they dont connect with YT, theyd remain in their e4 villa or whatever, cowardly again, hiding from the outside.

the idea is that if YT reconnects, it affirms to the elite trainer that theyve at least slightly changed for the better, and that they can continue to improve. if they dont reconnect, they simply fall further into that anguish. fall of the wagon, as it were. the end of that story would be them resigning their elite post and simply fading from the news.

or SOMETHING like that. there could be more variables. the idea is that you can help YT and elito at least talk out their problems and help them reconcile what happened, help elito apologise for his awful behaviour and help YT sort of atone for the bad shit they did in seeking that apology (since, yknow, they sided with the villains and did some villainous shit while also pursuing that revenge). like you can basically mediate and help them at least start a dialogue. whether itd end well or even amicably between them would be debatable. but itd be better than the two of them never really getting that chance to talk it out, to just say what they thought and have it bubble inside them for years? yknow. hence why the non-reconnect ending is all bitter. it leaves elito a cowardly wreck. it leaves yt as someone who doesnt feel satisfied with their revenge and thus continues to exercise that aggression through villainy. its Bad End, buddy.

i mean itd be stupid if bad end was tied just to that one dialogue choice so it possible be possible to mention it at other points, like when elito is just standing around and doesnt have hyper fixed dialogue, you can approach them and youd get some minor options about stuff to say. dialogue choices, mother fuckers. like you approach him and you can ask how his day is, giving you basically a semi relevant thing about how he feels at that moment. and then youd have like, an advice one, like ‘got any advice’ and hed tell you something semi relevant. and then thered be the 3rd, unique option - ‘ive got something to tell you’ and that gives you the chance to tell him about YT if you picked the other option at the original dialogue. and maybe, just in general, that third option after you tell elito about YT would let you ask about YT and get a general backstory on the kid, expanded from what elito tells you in ‘vanilla’.

tl;dr i love this idea i love this shit godddddddddddddddd