#grieve with your friends and acknowledge the bad. but do not. Do Not make it the focus of your life
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unpopular opinion maybe but if you're constantly putting negativity on your friends social media feeds and rarely anything else, kind is not a word i would associate with you. what kindness have you done recently? tell us about it, it might make you feel better so you won't have to post every day about how your life is so awful and nothing ever goes right for you. and maybe im just misjudging people but it's hard not to when they post every day about how terrible their lives are and yet not dwelling at all on things that they enjoyed, things that made them happy, things they did for and with other people. if you constantly refuse to see the nice and good things in life, you will end up being completely unable to see them, and then yes your life will suck absolute ass. watch the sunrise. dye your hair and talk about what the colours mean to you. draw some shitty art and post it knowing you enjoyed making it. spend time with friends, take pics and post about it. remember the good times and remember that experiencing awe regularly is fundamental to a stable mind and sense of happiness. Life is what you make of it
#and if you focus on the bad only then you will only see the bad#all lives are a mix of good and bad#focus on only one of these and you'll become cynical and toxic to be around im sorry to say#yes that goes for the good stuff too cus you will lose the ability to deal with the bad and sympathise with the bad in other people#life is a mixed bag. ENJOY the shit you like and write about it. post about it or journal or keep a photo album or some other memento#grieve with your friends and acknowledge the bad. but do not. Do Not make it the focus of your life#that way lies ruin and despair only#you have to act like you have hope and you have to do it every day#i need a tag for my own rambles#to be clear i don't think it's bad to rant. i do it myself#frequently. just it isn't and never should be the only thing i post about#i think there's a fine balance to strike between ranting and venting and making sure your friends know its ok not to be ok#and making sure your friends know you're miserable all the time.#it makes your friends feel guilty and inadequate. it makes your friends feel bad for having good and nice experiences#yeah. just. be mindful of the balance in your posts. that's all i think
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Okay. I’m going to wait to do a second watch before I articulate most of my other feelings here, but I want to address one thing.
I’m seeing a lot of posts like, “I related to Izzy because I am also queer and older/disabled/depressed. By killing him off, the writers are saying that I deserve to die.”
Guys.
I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid. I totally understand grieving a character that you relate to. But speaking as a writer, I just want to point out that trying to write with the shadow of “what is the absolute worst and most harmful way a reader can interpret this” will smother your ability to create. Twisting yourself in knots, trying to think up the worst-faith takes possible and scotch-guarding all your writing decisions against them is exhausting to the point of making you just not want to write anymore.
And we’ve seen the writers deliberately choose not to do this in Season 1. Remember all those terrible “Izzy is racist” takes that the writers and cast seemed completely blindsided by? That happened because the writers and directors and actors weren’t going over every scene with a fine tooth comb, ferreting out every shot or line of dialogue or micro expression that could possibly be interpreted as racist, and scrubbing it off. Because there comes a point where your story is what it needs to be, and you have to accept that some people will interpret it in ways you didn’t intend them to. And if you can’t accept that, you’ll never find the courage to put your work out there.
The point of diverse casts and writing teams isn’t to achieve a state of, “Nothing bad ever happens to a character from a marginalized demographic ever again.” It’s to achieve a status quo of these types of characters just being people in the world of the story. Not symbols, not representation boxes to tick, not tokens that you can point to so that you can say, “Here, we acknowledged this type of person exists, now where’s our woke points?”
OFMD is full of characters of color, queer characters, older characters, characters of differing body types. And in stories, things happen to characters. Some fall in love. Some make the same mistakes over and over. Some turn into birds. Some die.
Izzy’s character represents a lot of things, but he does not represent every older, disabled fan or fan who has struggled with suicide, any more than Jim represents all genderqueer fans, or Olu represents all black fans. That’s not how the writers were handling him. They were handling him like a character, because that’s what you have to do.
Again, I understand being sad. I am so, so fucking sad. But this idea of, “Any time something bad happens to a character I relate to means that the writer thinks I deserve these bad things to happen to me,” will poison everything you engage with eventually. Because stories are full of things happening to characters, and they won’t all be good things. And the more representation we get, the more often bad things will happen to characters we relate to.
But good things will happen too.
Queer couples get married. Disabled women run off with their favorite husbands. Middle-aged characters change careers. A multiracial polycule finds a home at sea. A fat man covered in tattoos stars in a drag show and all his friends cheer. All these things happened in the same show as Izzy’s death. This is what this world is.
Anyway. I know emotions are running high and I’ll probably get blocked or unfollowed by a few people for this. But I’m just trying to find my peace where I can, and if anyone else finds this useful, cheers.
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It’s really beautiful how Tolkien takes the time to honor the dead. After Gandalf’s death, they take the time in Lothlorien to deal with their grief and sing their laments, but as there is no body, that’s all they can do.
But when Boromir dies, even when Aragorn has to make the decision to either pursue Frodo or Merry and Pippin, and both are rapidly growing farther from the three left, they take the time to honor their friend. They don’t leave immediately, even though efficiency would dictate otherwise. No, instead they take the time to decide how to “bury” him (quotations only because it’s not burying in the strictest sense of the word, but rather reverently dealing with Boromir’s body). And then they gather trophies of his last stand and arrange them in the boat with him, taking time to “[comb] his long dark hair and [array] it upon his shoulders.”
How many times have other adventurers dedicated valuable time to honor the bodies of fallen companions, specifically to this extent? More often than not, they have to leave them behind, or only take the time to fold their arms or close their eyes.
Occasionally, they’ll build a pyre or bury them or whatnot, but it’s always after the battle that they set aside a significant chunk of time, or they live up to the term of fantasy (which isn’t a bad thing!) and there is no time wasted in building a cairn or burial or what-have-you.
My point is that time is spent, time that could be used for more “productive” things, such as, I don’t know, pursuing Merry and Pippin whose lives are at stake. And it isn’t framed as a bad thing, because it isn’t! Each life is precious, even when only the body is left. And they take the, well, the time to acknowledge this, in a reasonable and conservative way. (And when I say conservative, I mean that they pick the burial most fitting for their running clock, balancing both their need for a grieving period as well as the haste that the hobbits will require.)
I can’t speak to the rest of the deaths in the books as I haven’t caught up and refreshed my memory, but I will touch on another death, this time in the movie, that shares the same theme.
Theodred.
While he certainly hasn’t been totally forgotten by the fandom, I believe it is fair to say that he gets less discussion. Which is fair, considering he gets almost no active dialogue that I can remember and he is unconscious for most, if not all, of his screen time (and book time) before dying shortly after.
And one could say it’s because he’s a prince, one could say it’s because he was the heir, etc., etc. But it honestly makes no sense to dedicate all that time to preparing and putting on a large funeral when Saruman is right at Rohan’s door and there are so many bigger and more impactful decisions to be making now that Theoden has his mind back.
But, again, it isn’t criticized in the movie. It isn’t treated as the wrong decision. The people, included Theoden, needed time to mourn and Theodred deserved to be honored, even in death, even as the great forces of orcs and Uruk-hai were marching across Rohan.
Time is valuable, time is precious, and it should be wasted, especially when you’re trying your hardest to make sure you and yours survive. But time is meaningless if you don’t use it to live and subsequently honor those who have lived.
#does that make sense?#I know it got a little preachy at the end#Trying to summarize instead of just dumping#Unclear if that actually worked tho :/#kiki re-re-re-reads the lord of the rings#the lord of the rings#boromir#theodred#gandalf#aragorn#theoden#merry and pippin#meriadoc brandybuck#peregrin took#tolkien quotes#just yelling into the void
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Let The Light In
Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader
Summary: Glimpses into a life alongside Joel Miller.
Rating: R
Word Count: 3.2k
Warnings: Canon violence, mentions of sex, graphic depictions of violence and death, depressing themes, mentions of miscarriage, mentions of loss
She knew they weren't meant to last.
She had told herself this every time she snuck out of his bed in the early morning, gathering her clothes as quietly as she could as the sun slowly starts to rise over the QZ. There wasn't supposed to be any feelings attached to this, to these nights that they have together and she repeats that over and over as he snores softly. It's just an even exchange, that's all. A way to let off some steam, a way to get their needs met.
They weren't supposed to be that close. They weren't friends-there wasn't really friends anymore. Her and Joel-well, they were really more like coworkers.
Coworkers that fucked, but coworkers nonetheless.
I mean, it was normal, wasn't it? Before all of this carnage, before the world fell apart, coworkers fucked each other. It was completely normal.
Again, that's what she also told herself.
She'd slip out of his apartment and would see him later on, when their paths would cross during whatever jobs they'd be doing that day. They would acknowledge each other in the moment, but they'd keep it at that. She had tried her best to just keep it at that-at the nights they shared together. She wouldn't get hurt if all they had together were those nights. Those few hours in his tiny little bed.
But life couldn't be that simple. She knew better than that.
"What was your favorite TV show?" He asks one night, moonlight steaming in through the dirt and grime on the windows of his apartment. The question is out of character for him and they both know it. They don't talk about before, but either way, she gives in. She can't help it, this small tiny slice of domesticity. She's greedy and she knows it.
"Law and Order: SVU. I liked that the bad guy always got caught." She replies, turning onto her side so she can look at him, "However, my mom made me watch Dateline and 48 Hours with her. She wanted to make sure I was never taken, y'know...normal shit."
He can see a shift in her eyes as she remembers those memories. He gets that glimpse into her family, into how she was raised. All that he knew about her family was that they're were long gone, their bodies scattering the United States from California to Connecticut. Now he knew that her mom was paranoid, terrified that something bad was going to happen to her kids. Just like he had been with Sarah.
They'd both been right.
But he doesn't say this, he keeps this observation to himself. He knows he can't stay silent for long, because the longer the silence the more she's thinking about everything that has happened. So he just nods, his arm tucked behind his head. He looks like he's seriously thinking about his answer, wanting to give her the God's honest truth.
"The Sopranos-Tommy and I used to watch it. I paid a little every month for that damn show." He shakes his head at the thought of it, as if he is still annoyed. She smiles, trying her best to stop the almost girlish giggle that almost escapes her mouth. He catches the sound almost immediately, raising an eyebrow at her as the corners of his mouth turn upwards ever so slightly, "You laughin' at me, girl?"
Oh, she was so fucked.
-
Sometimes she'll dream of him.
She knows it's a bad sign-a dangerous one, even- but she can't control her subconscious. And she surely can't control those dreams she has of him and her, a farm somewhere out west, and two little mini-me's that have his hair and her eyes. And she can't control the ache she gets in her chest when she awakes, grieving something that isn't real, something that she can never have.
On the days that follow those dreams, the world is a little colder and Y/N is a little quieter. Joel isn't much of a talker, but he notices. He doesn't pry, of course-it's not his place and he knows it. They carry on with their day and she think about whether or not they should end things, if it was all going too far. Surely it had to be-he was lodged deep inside of her self conscious, he was something she just couldn't shake.
And then the next day, she'd be face down in his bed, his hands gripping her hips, the cycle only continuing. She's in too deep and she knows it, but she just can't stop. She's addicted to him and she just can't get enough.
-
When Ellie enters the the picture, their situation changes.
Gone are their nights together. Now all they get is glances at each other-knowing looks behind the kid's back-and quiet talks when they know she's asleep. He'll hold her when the nights get too cold and she starts to limit her food intake so there is a little more food for both him and Ellie. If he notices, he doesn't say a word.
Their relationship changes after Bill and Frank's, after that letter Bill had penned to Joel. They try to ignore it, ignore the questions that Ellie fires their way after she reads it. Y/N's cheeks burn as she snatches the letter from Ellie, telling her to run upstairs and shower. The teen rolls her eyes at the two of them, muttering how two of them just want to get rid of her so they can suck each other faces. As soon as she is upstairs, Joel grabs Y/N and slams his lips against hers, kissing her like it's the last thing he might do. Her cheeks are wet, but neither of them acknowledge it.
His hand is on her thigh all the way to Kansas City.
Kansas City is where Y/N's motherly instincts-as Joel outs it- seemingly kick in. She's constantly asking if Ellie is okay, and when Sam and Henry join them, she does the same with them. Joel teases her about it, tells her to stop being such a mother hen. She tells him that she'll only stop when he does. He rolls his eyes in response.
She starts to think how different it could be-the five of them, all together. She hadn't thought about life turning into something like...this. To a sort of family. She wonders if it's possible for them to take care of the three of them
When things go belly-up in the motel room, she immediately wraps her arms around Ellie, tears springing in both of their of eyes. She tells the kid over and over to not look, even though they both are. Joel is frozen in place, his eyes going from the two bodies on the ground and to the two women holding each other.
-
The snow is starting to stick to the ground when they reach Wyoming.
A part of her longs for a life in Jackson. Everything seems so...normal. Kids runnin' around in the street without a care in the world, there's even a Christmas tree in the town center. Joel sees the way she looks away, looking down at the ground and he wonders when the last time she celebrated anything was.
She watches him embrace his brother and she's happy for him, she truly is-but she can't ignore the way her throat starts to tighten. She looks away, finding something to focus on in the distance, her nails digging into her palm. If Ellie notices, she keeps it to herself.
She's surrounded by families, with big happy smiles stretched across their faces. Maria and Tommy are talking, explaining everything about their safe haven, but Y/N doesn't hear a word of it. She just follows them, her hands shoved into the pockets of her coat. She doesn't even realize Maria is taking to her until Ellie nudges her.
"Sorry-What was that?" She asks, looking up at her. Maria offers her a smile, clasping her hands together.
"I was saying that I'm going to show you guys where you're going to be staying while Tommy and Joel go catch up. Is that okay?" Maria tells her and Y/N smiles back, nodding. She stays quiet as Maria gives them a tour of the house. She doesn't know how to quite respond to this whole situation, how to think about it all, how to react. Y/N manages to sneak away from the conversation, hiding in the bathroom under the guise of showering. She turns on the knob and sits on the edge of the tub. Y/N buries her face into a towel and starts sobbing. She doesn't even know what she's crying about, all she knows is that she doesn't stop until Joel comes in and wraps her in his arms.
Her and Joel get into a fight when he tells her that he isn't going to take Ellie to the Fireflies, that he just couldn't do it. It's a true, honest to God fight. She calls him an asshole, he calls her a dumb kid who doesn't know what she's talking about. He tells her that he's scared of how close he's getting with Ellie, of how close he's getting with her. Y/N tells him that just 'cause he's abandoning Ellie that doesn't mean she will. Y/N says that she'll go with Tommy, that she'll make sure she's safe. She tells him not to bother with waiting for her to come back-especially since he's so worried about how close they're getting.
The next day when her, Tommy, and Ellie arrive at the stables, Joel is there waiting for them and the three of them leave on two horses.
That night when they stop, Joel waits for Ellie to fall asleep before he apologizes to Y/N for what he said, for how he acted. She accepts it and when Ellie wakes up in the morning, she finds them fast asleep, curled up next to each other.
On their way to the college, Joel teaches Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. Y/N tells her about how it was before-at least as much of it as she remembers. Joel teaches her about sports, Y/N talks about how different Boston is from where she lived in California with her family. Joel tries to convince Ellie that Texas was far better than California, but the teen isn't convinced. Ellie reads them jokes from her book, making the two adults laugh and groan. Her and Ellie tease Joel the whole time about his dreams of sheep ranches and singing. It's sweet and it gets Y/N's mind off of all the things she was thinking about back in Jackson.
When Joel falls off the horse, Y/N jumps off of hers. His shirt is drenched in crimson and her hands immediately fly to the wound, putting pressure on it. She had known as soon as he had yanked that wood out of him that he was going to bleed out but she-she had just thought that it wasn't going to happen somehow. That somehow, God-willing, this was just going to all workout.
"Joel? Shit..." Ellie is suddenly right behind her, her eyes on the where Y/N's bloodstained hands are putting pressure. The older woman quickly takes her knit cap, pressing it on the wound.
"Don't do this to me, Joel-You can't do this to me." She tells him over and over, tears rolling down her cheeks. Ellie is still calling his name, begging him to get up as Y/N keeps murmuring, "God damn it, don't do this to me, baby."
-
"You need to sleep."
She lays in between Ellie and Joel in that cold little basement. Her eyes watching the fall rise of his chest, making sure he's still there.
"I'm alright, Ellie-Just get some rest." She replies, turning her head for a moment, looking at the kid. She can barely make out her face in the darkness, but Y/N can feel her eyes on her. There's silence for a moment and Y/N hopes that Ellie had finally fallen asleep-
"Did-Did you have kids too?" Ellie questions, her voice quiet as if she doesn't want to wake Joel. Y/N turns her head to look at the ceiling, her hands resting on the blanket covered ground. Her index finger taps against the cold concrete.
"Not when it first happened-I was around your age when it all went to shit." Y/N replies, just as quietly, "There was-I was...once."
"Was it-Was it-?" Ellie doesn't know how to quite say the words as Y/N blinks away any tears that threaten to fall. She doesn't know why she's saying any of this-doesn't know why she doesn't tell Ellie to drop it and go to bed. Joel is so much better at not talking about things, about keeping secrets.
"Yeah. He-I never told him." Y/N voice is just as soft, barely loud enough for Ellie to hear. The words hang heavy in between them and she knows they Ellie is still processing the news when she adds, "Please-Please don't tell him. It'd break his heart."
That night she dreams about what never was-she dreams of Ellie chasing after a little boy that looks just like his father.
-
Her mind is racing when they get captured by David and his people.
Before all this, before Ellie entered her life, she would've done anything to escape-would've fought tooth and nail just to get scot-free, but things have changed. Now she can't do just anything- no, now she has to have a plan, one in which all three of them are okay. So she starts planning-trying to think of what she could possibly do so that Ellie can be safe, so that Joel will safe.
They try to pick the locks, try to unscrew any bolts that might be loose. The window is jammed. Their weapons are gone.
When David starts saying shit with disgusting undertones, Y/N lashes out. She spits and yells at him, calling him every name in the book. She gets beat-her blood splattering on the floor and walls. One of her eyes swells shit after the beating, her lip split. Her chest aches-it hurts when she breathes, making her think that they must've cracked a rib or three. Even then, she makes sure she's in front of Ellie.
And then they see the human ear laying on the floor.
David brings them stew and they both refuse to eat it. Ellie kicks the bowls away and
Y/N tries to rise to her feet, wanting to-needing to protect Ellie, but she can't. The conversation once again takes a turn for the worse, which makes Y/N stomach twist, even more than the cannibalism had.
When Ellie breaks David's finger after his suggestion, Y/N smiles and says quietly, just loud enough for Ellie to hear, "That's my girl."
Yet the pride soon disappears when David and three of his men reappear and once again, Y/N moves to guard Ellie. David opens the cage, shoving the older woman aside in order to pull Ellie away. Y/N quickly gets up, pushing through the pain, yelling at the men to stop, to leave the kid alone, to take her instead. The two slam Y/N into the chain link fence, forcing her to watch as David and the other man force Ellie down onto the butcher's block. The older woman tries to fight back, yelling and screaming, the chain link tearing into her skin.
When Ellie swings the cleaver the man with the beard's neck, Y/N swings her head back, connecting the back of her skull with a man's nose. He cries out in pain as David shoots at Ellie as she escapes. Y/N manages to grab a knife from the injured man, quickly bring it up into his chest before the other man can stop her. One man falls while the other charges at her, slamming her into the wall, making the knife fall from her hands.
But she fights like she's never fought before because she knows that Ellie needs her. She claws at her captors eyes, making him scream out in pain. Then his arm is against her windpipe, cutting off her breathing. She reaches blindly, trying to grab something, anything.
She can smell smoke just as her hand wraps around the blade of the knife. The man puts more of his weight on her neck, spots starting to dot her vision. She grips the knife, the blade digging into her palm as she brings it up and forcing it into the man's head. It makes a sickening sound, an unnerving crunch.
She shoves the body off of her as she gasps for air. She uses the chain link to pull herself up before she limps out of the room.
By the time she leaves the area they were being held in, David is dead and the place is up in flames. Y/N pulls Ellie up and into her arms, hugging her for a second, before telling her they have to go. Their arms are wrapped around each other as they make their way out of the back of the restaurant. The only noise being the sound of their harsh breathing and the fire crackling behind them as it devours the building.
And then suddenly, Joel's there, holding both of them. He presses his lips against Y/N's temple, telling them over and over that he's got them, that they're safe. He calls Ellie babygirl and he calls Y/N sweetheart. Y/N holds onto him and Ellie tightly, never wanting to let go, tears streaming down her cheeks.
-
She's killed for him before, and he's killed for her. It was just apart of their lives, it just happens. If you want to survive, you have to get dirty. But now? Now, there's something behind each kill.
It's so much more feral.
She wears the blood with honor, with a sense of pride. I protected you both, I'm protecting my own. It's the same for him. He mows through people for her, for Ellie, for whatever this little group is. They both do it without a second thought, without any hesitation.
And they destroy that hospital in Salt Lake City together, hunting down every son of a bitch that wanted to hurt their girl. Joel carries Ellie out in his arms, Y/N follows right beside him, her finger not leaving the trigger of her gun until Marlene is dead and both of them get in the car with their girl.
Once again, his hand is on her thigh the whole time.
They lie through the teeth to Ellie. They agree that what she doesn't know, won't hurt her. She's alive, she's with them-that's all that matters. The three of them are still together and that's all that matters.
"You don't have to stay with me, y'know that right?" Joel murmurs to her as they stand next to each other, their eyes on Jackson in the distance. She turns her head to look at him and he meets her gaze.
"What, you tryin' to get rid of me, Joel?" She asks, a small smile appearing on her face. He can't stop the way the corners of his mouth turn upward.
"I would never, darlin'." He replies, smiling back at her. Y/N grins, just as Ellie starts yelling at them to get a room.
In the back of her mind, a little voice tells her that this-their little family, their little life together-that it won't last. She ignores it, shoving it aside as her hand wraps around his, her lips pressing against his scruffy cheek as Ellie makes gagging noises.
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Bro, the noise I just made. I literally cannot stand the fanon for Stiles or Derek. It is so so soooo bad, I think these people literally have only seen the 2 hour sterek compilation. Every day I am like "who fucking told you people that Derek never smiles and has no sense of humor?"
Stiles gets turned into this big eyed, kitten twink who wouldn't dare to misbehave because he's the sheriff's son (the kid who gets drunk in the WOODS, and gets his dad drunk so he can steal casefiles!!)
Derek like... He is either completely useless and cannot dress himself for a date without fanon!Laura (do not get me started) telling him what to do, or he is so emotionally repressed and damage that he can barely handle someone kissing him without him falling to pieces.
LIKE. Derek smiles. Derek makes jokes!! Derek laughed at Stiles right before the pool scene. Derek knows how to use a cellphone and a laptop. Derek is a goddamn millenial, he knows what grumpy cat is. He knows he's hot, he has a mirror!!
Also... the man lived in New York fucking City. He's not afraid of crowds or talking to people or making out, he uses sex to get his way (Erica and the deputy at the front desk!!)
i know.
like, there's a period of fics that are usually from the s1-2 period that lean pretty hard on derek's dark, brooding and grumpiness from season 1 but of course he was like that. he was going through The Horrors during season 1. he was grieving laura, he was being retraumatized by kate and dealing with scott, stiles and fucking jackson.
he wasn't one dimensional though. his anger was a mask for all the fear, confusion and trying to be in control.
do you know how many fics i've read where people have stiles think about all the apparent physical violence derek has done to stiles as if he's always slamming him into surfaces? way too many to count and it's incorrect. off the top of my head i can count 3 times derek did something like that to stiles. the shove into the wall and slam into the steering wheel in wolf's bane both of which had a point to them. whether or not it was a good emotional response doesn't matter. what matters is that they were not random or part of derek's personality. he didn't just shove stiles into things every time he saw him. the wall shove in s4 with de-aged derek was a deliberate call back to that very instance in wolf's bane. it was literally coupled with the whole cousin miguel bit.
fandom doesn't like to acknowledge that derek hale isn't particularly violent over the course of the show. he hardly even wins the fights he engages in and he is often forced into fights knowing he cannot win.
our boy mostly ends up on the fucking floor.
derek also does make jokes. dry ones usually he thinks they are hilarious too. he thinks he's a funny guy. his dad joke game must've been off the charts, sorry eli.
he and stiles trade barbs a lot and he thinks stiles is funny. stiles amuses him and he indulges it a few times. he shows off to stiles too like a loser.
he likes to fuck with scott and stiles and enjoys taking the piss out of peter. he genuinely enjoyed fucking with liam in s4.
he's not a luddite either. he has a cellphone and we see him use it. i bet he plays games on it. i bet he plays candy crush and words with friends.
and fanon evolved to strip away that stiles is an asshole. he a violent little freak. he threatens people, he expresses regularly his desire to kill people or have them die, he cares about a very small selection of people in his life and if you're not in that circle than god be with your ass because stiles most definitely won't.
he loves and respects his father but this doesn't mean stiles respects the law which is why i don't know why the law enforcement route was chosen for him. stiles hates rules and boundaries. he chafes at them.
stiles casually helps kira and scott break into evidence to get her cell phone. he tells scott's fbi agent father to fuck himself. he got his dad drunk to get access to case files. he copies people's keys. he's a nosy shit.
the whole show started because stiles was a nosy punk kid who wanted to see a dead body.
but i digress.
fanon stiles had a lot of scott's characteristics projected onto him so they could bash scott. i know there's a lot of people who don't like scott which is fine or whatever but there are so many that do it so they can make a pinata out of a character they've extracted all the good points from and give to their favorite little white boy fav.
stiles "i will beat you with a bat" stilinski is a freaky little shit who will bite you.
do you know how hard i laughed when in s3 stiles and isaac genuinely just like could not stand each other? they couldn't be in the same room with out insulting one another and it was the complete opposite of stiles being oh so sensitive to isaac's past and history than straight up in 3b stiles the epitome of insensitive says to isaac something about still milking it (his abuse). stiles is a dick.
i also genuinely have umbrage with the pack mom trope that stiles gets saddled with. the way fandom has oft feminized stiles leaves a bad taste in my mouth too.
derek and stiles are both assholes and i love them very much.
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Death and Gifts
Death has existed since time untold, but now with mortal friends, he has found himself in a bit of a pickle. Having been introduced to the concept of repayment, he now feels the need to return the kindness his friends have offered.
Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately for everyone involved, Death pays his debts in full.
Previous part here.
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Death, or rather Orion Pax, was familiar with the concept of an exchange. Shanix was traded for resources or goods, life was traded for death, and knowledge was traded for service. He knew this, but he eventually came to a rather startling realization upon going through a series of datapads on mentality.
According to what he read, relationships were also a form of exchange. In a relationship of any sort, both parties were to give and take in equal exchange. Service was to be repaid in some way, shape, or form. Emotional care was to be provided in turn, and friends were meant to create bonds through a series of debts to one another in the form of attention, time, and service. To Orion, it was a wakeup call and prompted a severe misunderstanding.
Throughout his entire stay in the mortal plane, he had been receiving the time, attention, and service of his companions. He had been unintentionally indebting himself to them, and at this point, he was swimming in things that needed to be repaid. Ratchet gave knowledge and care freely, and that needed to be repaid as soon as possible. As did Megatron's dutiful companionship. There was much to do, and so Death prepared to repay that which was owed... in his own unique way.
Ratchet was his first and oldest companion. As such, Orion began devising ways to repay him first. Ratchet made his life easier and gave him understanding, Orion could do the same in turn. Thus, over the course of a few weeks, Death began to dig into Ratchet's history, connections, and prospects. The medical student had a few... blotches in his social life that Orion frowned upon seeing. An overenthusiastic ex, a corrupt higher up refusing Ratchet the title of doctor, and a bully who harassed his friend on the daily. Death does not usually pick favorites, but when it came to his friend and his debts, he was willing to compromise.
He spent what time he could with Ratchet, trying to return the emotional support through actions. And when he wasn't otherwise engaged, he put pieces in motion. He couldn't directly do anything, not without making his siblings upset. But setting up scenarios that would lead to death were not exactly off limits. So long as he wasn't there or forcing the death to happen, he wasn't responsible. So what if that one unfortunate ex got into a bad crash? He could have avoided it if he'd tried harder and paid attention. Why should it bother Death that a corrupt doctor overdosed on recreational drugs? The mech was living on borrowed time anyway. The bully ended up being arrested? Well isn't that unfortunate.
Ratchet did not grieve much, and Death was there with him all the way. He still had debts to repay, and Ratchet was worth so much more than being a mere Doctor. Perhaps it was a bit of bias, but Orion couldn't help but pull a few strings. Sometimes the corrupt needed to fall ill to make way for those who were far more suited to the roll. If Ratchet gave Orion a few side glances after he was suddenly promoted to the role of CMO, neither of them acknowledged it.
Ratchet: That mech... did you kill him?
Orion: I am forbidden to directly intervene in the affairs of your kind.
Ratchet: Did you cause this to happen?
Orion: You have been kind to me, you have given me much. It is a debt I will repay.
Ratchet: Orion, please, you don't need to-
Orion: You are of my chosen. Your purpose far exceeds those of the lesser.
Ratchet: You aren't like this. You don't usually have an opinion on anything, at least not like this.
Orion: It was, and it is still not permitted. But I will not allow that which was offered to go unrepaid.
His debt was nowhere near paid, but Orion had little else he could do. HIs friend was soaring high, and so in a bit of desperation, he focused on the rules to see what else he could possibly effect. Direct intervention was out of the question, but perhaps he could give a gift.
It wasn't against the rules to simply remove a block within a mech.
Death smiled when Ratchet found himself with an uncanny ability to sense death before it arrived. The doctor was able to solve cases before they reached a breaking point and determine a cause of death effortlessly, seemingly without any explanation. Ratchet chalked it up to his own skill, and Death grinned as he turned to his next set of debts.
Jazz was next, but for Death, he was hard to fully place. Jazz was an odd one, and repaying debts with him would be difficult. Jazz's situation did not allow for mecha to perish unfortunately. He was in too delicate of a position for that to happen and not harm him. But Orion could give him information. That much he could do. Jazz was an agent, a spy for the Council. Death dug through every case Jazz was involved in with fanatic determination, and once he had everything prepared, he began his work.
Cold cases were suddenly given new evidence as Death searched for the dead within the Allspark and questioned them. Information Jazz could not reach was put before him on a silver platter as mecha with the details found themselves incapacitated by unfortunate accidents. Those who hunted his friend were quickly silenced, not through supernatural means, but through blackmail Orion had from the Archives. To top if all off, Death gifted his friend an ability. When Death came to fallen, they trusted him instinctually. They knew what he was. To Jazz he gave a lesser version of the same gift, merely accentuating Jazz's already powerful charisma with a touch of the calm of the void.
Jazz noticed, but he said nothing. Death merely smiled.
Megatronus was not difficult to repay. Death merely began rigging things in his favor. Well, not necessarily rigging. But the odds tipping ever so slightly in his Champion's favor were not against the rules. Who was ever going to concern themselves with a blade sliding off Megatronus's armor and shattering instead of piercing. Bad craftsmanship had its effects after all. Who would be anything except awed when old wounds healed perfectly and Megatronus returned to the arena without issue? The Champion made all sorts of money for his sponsors. His success was theirs.
Orion's siblings watched him in wrath, further tightening his reigns. But Death would not halt. He could not gift abilities as obvious as he had to Jazz and Ratchet, but it was not out of the question to give Megatronus a more intimidating aura. All it took was for Death to touch him once every few cycles, and Megatronus would carry the stench of death wherever he walked. His foes feared him, and Orion laughed lightly as he watched their terror firsthand. It was not a gift, merely his presence having its effect. His siblings could not punish him for that.
Prima: You cannot keep doing this Thirteen. You are stepping beyond your bounds.
Death: I am following the rite.
Vector: You are not. Your influence has expanded beyond the limits set in place for all Primes. Continue down this path, and we shall be forced to step in.
Death: What must I do to gain the ability to expand?
Micronus: There is no-
Onyx: Expand. Grow.
Prima: Onyx enough!
Onyx: He has the right to know. We have known since the children of Primus walked the world. To keep him in the dark is cruel.
Death: What do you know?
Onyx: The rite forbids that I speak plainly, but continue as you are, and soon enough your reach will expand. The children of Primus are eager to believe.
Death considered the words of his peers, and ultimately he elected to follow Onyx's advice. He was Death, he was allowed to act as he saw fit, at least to a degree. He would obey the rites and rules, but if the children were in danger... well, rules were made to be broken on occasion.
Soundwave was the last on his list, largely because he was Megatronus's favorite. Death looked upon him and decided against any action, instead opting to give a simple gift to repay his debts. Soundwave stalked the halls, and Death dragged him into the shadows. It was for a brief moment, but when he released the spymaster and met his gaze back in the normal plane, Soundwave shakily got to his pedes, and Death smiled again. He enjoyed smiling. Such a silly thing, but one that held so much meaning.
"This gift I have given to repay my debts. The void now knows you, it has tasted your frame. Do not linger long within its grasp, but it welcomes you, should you wish to traverse the dark paths."
He left quietly, and Soundwave for his part shook like a leaf. The work was done, and now Death had largely repaid his debts.
However if a few particularly devoted mailmecha found themselves avoiding trouble and injury with surprising grace, then who were they to judge? Death would repay his debts, regardless of the outcome.
Megatronus, Ratchet, and Jazz were all very much aware that Orion had done something to them, but by the time they came to understand their new gifts, they opted not to ask. Whatever Orion was, he was old, and he was powerful. No longer was he a spark eater in disguise or some old monster. Rather, he had to be a Quintesson or a creation of them. There was no other explanation, not unless one wanted to begin believing in fairy tales about Primes and their power.
Death, oblivious to it all, continued merrily while quite content to have finally "made things right."
#transformers#maccadam#transformers prime#orion pax#megatronus#ratchet#jazz#soundwave#death's embrace au#alternate universe#pre war cybertron#slight cosmic horror I guess#idk what to label death being death
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Oooh good to know, thanks🥰 would you feel comfortable writing a Alicent x reader & a Rhaenyra x reader one? Where they are both fighting over reader’s love?
Title: Black & Green All Over
Fandom: House of the Dragon
Pairing: Alicent Hightower x Fem!Reader, Rhaenyra Targaryen x Fem!Reader
Word Count: 8,224
Warnings: Follows the events of the entire show and a little bit of the book, so spoilers for those who are not caught up! Angst, underage love, unrequited love, childbirth, unfulfilled ending, etc.
A/N: I apologize if you weren't requesting a female reader, but it's definitely what I wanted 😏 so that's what I wrote. Also, to have Y/n a part of the King’s court so that Alicent and Rhaenyra would have a reason to be around her, I placed her in the Strong family so that she also has a hot older brother. Sorry not sorry. Enjoy!
(I do not consent to my works being reposted/copied)
Lady Y/n Strong of Harrenhal was the oldest daughter of Lyonel Strong. Once he was appointed Master of Laws to King Viserys, Lord Lyonel brought his two sons and Y/n to King's Landing with him, leaving his youngest daughter behind. Once in the capital, Y/n was appointed to be one of Princess Rhaenyra's handmaidens, along with one other young woman, Alicent Hightower, the Hand of the King's daughter.
The three daughters of Viserys, Otto, and Lyonel became thick as thieves over their years of friendship. Despite being in service to her, Rhaenyra treated Alicent and Y/n as her equals, reliant on them as close friends would. But one particular day changed the three young girls' lives forever.
After Queen Aemma died in her birthing bed and Rhaenyra was named Heir to the Iron Throne, something began to strain between Rhaenyra and Alicent, and no matter how hard she tried, Y/n couldn't find whatever tear in the cloth this rift started on. The three girls were beginning to near womanhood, and with that came the expectations of marriage. All three of the girls' fathers were trying to find a suitable match for their daughters, and Y/n feared that this might break their bond permanently should the three friends separate.
"It is the way of things," Harwin tried to reassure his little sister as he walked with her through the royal gardens, hands held behind his back, "You are Father's oldest daughter. He would've married you off a while ago if he wasn't so busy attending the Small Council meetings."
"I know. But if that was the case, he should've married you off years ago," Y/n pointed out sternly, lifting her skirts as they walked up the stone steps leading up to a beautiful gazebo, "You are his oldest son."
Harwin smirks, acknowledging her clever response with a nod before directing the subject in a different direction, "And what makes you so certain that marriage would break your friendship with the princess and Lady Alicent?"
"Because we'll each be sent away to live with our husbands in separate corners of the country. Perhaps Rhaenyra could stay, but I'm not a princess. Neither is Alicent. We go where our fathers command it. Rhaenyra... she could do whatever she wants."
Her voice was sad, and upon sighting the first bench he sees, Harwin sits down and now had to look up to meet his younger sibling's gaze, "That doesn't have to be a bad thing, sister. Perhaps Rhaenyra will demand that you and Alicent stay with her as her handmaids."
Y/n paced in front of him, playing with her hands as her eyes drift off with her thoughts, "Perhaps... though I don't see her and Alicent mending their bond anytime soon."
"How do you mean?"
"They've been acting... strange as of late. They rarely speak to each other anymore, but they'll still speak to me."
"The princess just lost her mother, Y/n. Lady Alicent lost hers before that. Perhaps confiding in each other is not how they wish to grieve."
"But they would separately confide in me?" Y/n stops pacing briefly to glance at her brother, "How does that make any sense?"
Harwin shrugs, "Rhaenyra was just named her father's heir. She might feel pressured into confiding her secrets and council onto only one individual."
Y/n's eyes widen in shock, "Are you saying that she trusts me over Alicent?"
"... Alicent is the daughter of the King's Hand."
"That's ridiculous. Rhaenyra wouldn't do that," Y/n returns to pacing, stubbornly stomping that thought away.
Harwin thinks for a moment before something dawns on his face, followed by a shit-eating grin, "Maybe they both prefer you over each other? Would that be so awful? I must take any advice you could give me, sister. I would kill to be the centerpiece of two women's affection."
Y/n stops her pacing once more, instinctively smacking her brother in the shoulder as her face screws up into a scowl, "You're a dog, Harwin."
He laughs at her distaste for his choice of words, a hand on his heart as he pipes down with a genuine smile, "Try talking to them, Y/n. Ask them firmly and stop trying to decipher their thoughts in the shadows. Their answers may surprise you."
~~~~~~~~~
Unfortunately, her chance at talking to the pair of them never came to pass before King Viserys announced his engagement to Alicent, stunning both Y/n and Rhaenyra and furthering the princess' disdain for Lady Hightower. It broke Y/n's heart to watch her two most entrusted friends look absolutely miserable, especially as both she and Rhaenyra laced up Alicent's wedding dress together. What was once a fraying friendship now appeared to be completely shattered between the princess and now the new queen, with Y/n caught in the crossfire.
Rhaenyra would try to keep her mind off of all the drama in her family by riding her dragon, and sometimes, she would take Y/n along as well. Y/n was far less scared of Syrax than Alicent and was far more willing to ride with the princess, feeling as free as a bird and as large as a dragon when flying over King's Landing, unable to see the people below. If she was feeling bold, Rhaenyra would even fly the pair of them as far as Dragonstone and the two young women would have a picnic over the ragged cliffs, overlooking the unforgiving sea. Sometimes, they would get so full of cake and wine, they would huddle close to each other, leaning their backs against Syrax, and fall into a dreamless sleep, the wild winds blocked by Syrax's form. Those days were blissful and always took the weight off the girls' shoulders, momentarily forgetting all of life's struggles and hardships. Y/n especially loved watching Rhaenyra in her element, flying over everyone's heads, wind in her hair, and smile as wide as a dragon's jaw.
Months passed and Alicent quickly became pregnant to the whole kingdom's delight. Y/n tried her best to be there for her friend's pregnancy, but it was difficult as long as she remained Rhaenyra's handmaiden. Perhaps Y/n imagined it, but it felt as though Rhaenyra kept her closer now more than ever, purposely keeping her from Alicent. It distressed both Y/n and Alicent, the Queen wishing to have a true companion to comfort her in her time of need but unable to voice her wishes when Rhaenyra seemed adamant about keeping Y/n to herself.
"Perhaps you may enjoy having tea with the Queen later this afternoon?" Y/n tried to negotiate as she braided Rhaenyra's hair before breakfast.
"I would not," Rhaenyra spoke briefly, stubbornly avoiding the subject every day Y/n tried persuading her.
But the princess could not deny Alicent for long. Once she started her labors, Alicent finally found the will to use her stature as Queen to her advantage. A servant girl entered Rhaenyra's chambers that night, bowing her head in respect, "Princess, forgive the intrusion, but the Queen asked to have Lady Y/n by her side."
Both Rhaenyra and Y/n appeared shocked by this request, glancing at each other before the princess sternly spoke, "I deny it. Lady Y/n stays with me."
The servant girl, now pale and afraid, stuttered out her next words, "Her Grace thought you might say that and she said-- forgive me, Princess, but she would then demand that the Lady Y/n come to be at her side. Her Grace is no longer asking. A thousand apologies, princess. I am only the messenger."
The room falls into silence, Rhaenyra's expression crumbling into rage and betrayal. In the corner of her eye, she caught sight of her handmaid rising from her seat, her skirts in hand. Rhaenyra whips around to address her lady-in-waiting, "Y/n--"
"You may do as you like, Princess..." Y/n's eyes refuse to meet hers, her head bowed in departure, "But I cannot deny a queen and a friend who is in need of me."
Y/n swiftly leaves the room with the servant girl, not wanting to wait for Rhaenyra's response. The princess' actions spoke louder than words, and it angered Lady Y/n. It angered her to see how little Rhaenyra cared for Alicent as if their years of friendship no longer meant anything now that Rhaenyra's father forced Alicent to marry him. As if Alicent was the one who betrayed her. However, in Y/n's eyes, it looked as though it was Rhaenyra who betrayed Alicent. To falsely claim that Alicent was playing a twisted game behind the princess' back was childish, and Rhaenyra should've known better than anyone that her friend wasn't at fault for the King's stupid choice of marriage. Instead, Rhaenyra blamed Alicent for everything and now openly despises her, dragging Y/n into the mix even when she wanted no part of this... unnecessary feud.
The servant girl brings Y/n to the Queen's chambers, and she doesn't wait for the guards to open the doors for her. Y/n pushes her way through the heavy doors herself once she heard the sound of Alicent's screams of pain and raced into the room. Alicent was found kneeling over her own bed, sweating from head to toe, her hair loose and unruly. Her shift stuck uncomfortably to her skin and her hand was grasping her swollen stomach in pain. The wet nurses parted for Y/n as she reached the queen, her hands immediately flying to Alicent's hair as she gently pulled them out of her face. Alicent looked up, agony slowly crumbling into relief when she noticed the woman in front of her. She let out a soft cry and her hands immediately held onto Y/n's shoulders as another contraction hit her like a wave.
"I missed you so much," Alicent whimpered.
Y/n gently shushes the expecting queen, ignoring the pain she felt against Alicent's iron grip. The Lady Strong holds onto Alicent's shoulders as well, never wanting to let go, "I'm here for you, Ali. I always have been and always will be."
Y/n stayed with Alicent and personally helped deliver Prince Aegon II. Y/n stayed while Alicent was resting, the queen only trusting her friend to care for the baby while she lay unconscious, and she even stayed for the days Alicent recovered, never leaving her side. They dined together, took turns with the baby together, and even rested together. If Y/n was honest with herself, these few days were some of the happiest of her life. It felt amazing to reconcile with Alicent and spend so much time together as if no time had passed at all between them. It was like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. She never wanted this to end.
Alicent eventually allowed Y/n to return as Rhaenyra's handmaiden, and the princess stubbornly pretended as if Y/n was never away, flying the two of them to Dragonstone for yet another picnic. However, for her next two pregnancies, Alicent continued to demand to have Lady Y/n by her side, again, only trusting her children's safety in her friend's hands. Y/n eventually started looking forward to Alicent's pregnancies, knowing that she would soon be able to spend precious time with her dear friend.
However, after Alicent's forth and final child, Daeron was born, Lord Lyonel Strong began to talk about a possible suitor for his daughter. King Viserys listened and approved of a union between Y/n and Jason Lannister of Casterly Rock. When Rhaenyra caught wind of this, she sought an audience with her father.
"I forbid it!" Rhaenyra proclaimed with as much authority as she could muster, "Have Y/n's betrothed come and stay in King's Landing if you wish, but I don't wish to be parted from her."
Viserys sighed with exhaustion, fighting off a headache as he tried taming his daughter, "Rhaenyra--"
"You had already ruined my friendship with Alicent when you decided to marry her instead of Laena Velaryon," Rhaenyra snapped, glaring into her father's soul, "Don't you dare try to ruin my friendship with Y/n by having her married off to that disgusting excuse for a man."
As always, Viserys tried to please everyone by disappointing a few. Instead of announcing Y/n's engagement to Lord Jason, he had Lord Lyonel instead marry her off to his twin brother, Ser Tyland Lannister. It all fell into place rather quickly. Jason Lannister married Johanna Westerling at Casterly Rock and Tyland Lannister traveled to King's Landing and married Y/n Strong soon after.
Rhaenyra thought she played the game skillfully, believing that keeping Ser Tyland in the capital meant keeping Y/n as her handmaiden, but her victory was only brief. During Tyland and Y/n's wedding celebration, Alicent stood over her guests and excitedly asked the bride to become her own lady-in-waiting. The proposal stunned both Rhaenyra and Y/n, but the latter of the two quickly accepted without ever looking at her princess for permission, which angered Rhaenyra.
"It is the highest honor for a lady to become the Queen's handmaiden," Y/n's other brother, Larys, sat in a chair by the fire while he watched her fuss around her old chambers, packing essentials. With this new... promotion, her chambers were now going to be moved closer to Alicent's, and while a part of Y/n was excited, another part of her was going to miss this old room and all of its memories. It was her room for years, ever since her family arrived in King's Landing. Larys wasn't as sentimental as his sister, looking around the room with a blank expression, "Surely the princess would understand that."
Y/n briefly paused from her packing, turning to show the dread in her eyes, "You weren't there."
"Of course, I was there, Y/n. It was your wedding. Do you truly believe I would not attend my own sister's wedding?"
"You weren't looking in the right places. You should have seen Rhaenyra's face when I accepted Alicent's request. She looked at me as if I betrayed her."
"And what else would she have expected you to do? Deny a queen's request?" Larys slowly, carefully, rose to his feet, reaching for his cane.
"Larys. You do not have to stand," Y/n quickly disregarded a dress in her hands and crossed the room, gripping onto her brother's elbow, "Stay a while. Rest your feet."
"My ever-dutiful sister," he affectionately pats the woman's hand, ignoring her invitation as he grabbed his walking stick, "And although I enjoy your company, I have reason to believe you'll have a different sort of company soon enough."
"What do you mean?" The new Lady Lannister eyed her brother suspiciously, "My lord husband has already left for Casterly Rock. He won't be back for a couple more moons."
"It is not Ser Tyland I speak of," with his sister's aid, Larys is able to limp towards the door, "But of the princess."
Y/n stops in her tracks, letting her brother walk the rest of the way before she spoke, "Have you been spying on her?"
"Why, sister, to spy on the princess would infer I had a possible agenda against her," Larys smiled, although weak as he opened the door and peered outside, something or someone catching his eye, "I just simply made an observation-- Ah. Princess Rhaenyra. Forgive me. I would bow, but--"
The door fully opens as Larys indicates to his bum leg and his little strength being used to open the door for said princess. Y/n straightens her posture as Rhaenyra drifts into the room, the Targaryen princess stiffly nodding towards the crippled man in the doorway, "There is no need for apologies, Lord Larys. You may go."
"Princess. Sister." Larys bids the two women goodnight and leaves, the sound of his cane slowly thumping down the hall.
Y/n keeps her eyes lowered, but kept her head tall. She waits for the yelling and accusations, for the princess to insult her and her virtue, but it never comes. Instead, Rhaenyra steps forward and gathers her friend in her arms. Y/n could feel the princess' breath on her neck where she had buried her face, thin arms wrapped around Lady Lannister's shoulders. Slowly, Y/n relaxes and hugs back, basking in the silence and the warmth of her friend. The calm before the storm.
"It's not fair," Rhaenyra starts off, pulling away but keeping a tight grip on Y/n's arms, "You should not have to juggle between us. She's clearly doing this to alienate me from you. She just wants you all to herself."
Something inside Y/n snaps at the princess' words, eyes narrowing as speculation slowly forms in her mind, "You speak of juggling and Alicent wanting me for herself as if I was just some toy... Princess."
Rhaenyra's eyes widen, her mouth falling open and shut as she tried to form words, "I... I didn't mean it like that."
"But perhaps you're right," Y/n snatches her arms out of Rhaenyra's grasp, turning away and getting back to packing, "Perhaps I am just some toy you two women have been fighting over these past three years. Maybe I was a fool to believe I was more than just some prize to be won. Maybe I was a fool to believe we were friends."
"We are friends, Y/n!" Rhaenyra rushes over and slams her hands over Y/n's clothes, forcing her to stop folding them, "We are the best of friends, and-- And... and sometimes I wished we could be more."
Y/n's eyes widen in confusion before peering up to stare at the princess, her brows furrowing together as she tried to form an appropriate response, "Excuse me?"
Rhaenyra's face pales, caught off guard by her own confession. Her voice comes out in whispers of disbelief, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You're married now, and... And even still, I thought I could have you all to myself."
"Rhaenyra, of the very few times you've held your tongue, now is not one of those times," Y/n regrettably spoke harshly, in denial of what she believed Rhaenyra was saying, "Speak bluntly and plainly, as you always have."
The Targaryen princess lowers her gaze, straightening her back and away from Y/n's bed. She appeared conflicted, eyes frantically trying to find something in the room that could possibly turn her invisible. Finally, she summons the courage and wets her lips before speaking, eyes slowly peering back up at Y/n through her lashes, "I love you. I think I always have. I just wasn't aware of it. When we were younger, I just thought I was in admiration of you. But as I watched other ladies speak to one another... I realized what I felt for you wasn't normal."
Y/n's entire body froze, breath refusing to escape her lungs as her mind tries to comprehend Rhaenyra's words. She looked back down at her clothes, her voice not nearly as strong as she had wanted, "But it is. Alicent speaks of me the same way you do. It's perfectly normal."
"Perfectly normal for being in love," Rhaenyra steps forward, voice darkening ever so slightly at the mention of Alicent. Her pale hand softly touches Y/n's as she bends her head to stare into her hiding eyes, silver hair spooling over her shoulder, "She fancies you, too."
Y/n hesitantly meets her eyes, still in denial, "You don't know that."
"I do. Why do you think we stopped speaking to one another? We both realized we loved you."
The room falls into silence as Rhaenyra finally bites her tongue. Guilt began to pool in her stomach as Y/n's eyes widen in horror. Stepping back from Rhaenyra, Y/n also pulls her hand away as if the touch had shocked her. Lady Lannister felt as though her whole world was closing in around her, unable to crawl out of the chilling revelation, "So... these past few years... when my two best friends stopped speaking to one another... it was because this had all been a contest? A battle over who could win me over?"
When Rhaenyra didn't answer appropriately, Y/n's eyes darken, "Do you realize how foolish that sounds now that it's been said out loud?"
"Why must it be foolish to love you?" Rhaenyra tried to desperately defend herself, hurt pooling into her eyes, "You're wonderful."
"No. Stop." Y/n turns away and finds a goblet to fill with a pitcher of wine, quickly bringing the drinks to her lips to calm her wild emotions. She found it hard to breathe and to think, tears threatening to form, "After all this time, I thought... I thought-- I've been trying to mend your relations with Alicent so everything could go back to the way it was. But this whole time... you've intentionally grown apart, fighting over someone you could never have."
Rhaenyra's brows furrow as her lip began to quiver, "Y/n--"
"No." Y/n shocked even herself at how stern and cold her voice became, slowly turning to stare down the dragon princess, "I don't believe you. This is a stupid game, Rhaenyra, and I will not be made a fool. Even if Alicent loves me the way you say she does, and even if she's willing to play this silly little game with you, I will not! This ends tonight, now, this very second. You will come with me and beg Alicent for forgiveness because this. Is. Over."
The demand hardens something in Rhaenyra's chest, the dragon slowly coming out of hiding. Y/n knew she just ordered a princess to do something against her will, despite not having the authority to do so, but she didn't care. She barely even flinched when Rhaenyra's once broken gaze suddenly began to harden, venom dripping from her voice, "I can't believe you... I've given everything to you! And you betrayed me... betrayed me just like Alicent!"
"By the gods, Rhaenyra! Are you truly mad enough to believe Alicent had any say in marrying your father?!" Y/n roared back with the might of a lioness, stepping forward and surprisingly driving Rhaenyra to step back in shock at her friend's raised tone of voice, "Like every other lady in this gods' forsaken world, she gets no say in who she marries! She does her duty as a wife and mother and then she dies! That's it! You can't blame her for doing the very thing she was born to do. I may not have known about this stupid game you played with her, but I know one thing. You betrayed her. You accused her of treason and you couldn't find it within yourself to forgive her for something she didn't do. Do you want someone to blame? Blame your father. You betrayed Alicent by not supporting her, by leaving her to the vultures, by wringing her out, and by leaving her to dry. You alienated me from her, keeping me away from my friend because you were jealous. That is betrayal. And the sooner you see the difference, the sooner we can put all of this behind us."
Every step Y/n took brought her to stand right in front of Rhaenyra, staring her down with a ferocity that cannot be formed unless years' worth of keeping quiet were to suddenly boil over. Rhaenyra barely recognized the woman in front of her, and instead of feeling grief, rejection and anger took over. The princess' scowl forms and fire lights behind her pale eyes. Rhaenyra quickly whips around and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind her before either one of the girls said something they could not take back.
~~~~~~~~~
After that night, Y/n couldn't bring herself to ever look Rhaenyra in the eye, always moving to stand beside Alicent whenever they had to share a room with the princess. Even though she wanted to ask Alicent for the truth, Y/n couldn't bring herself to do so. She couldn't bear to know whether or not Alicent felt the same as Rhaenyra did, to know that they were both aware of this game without ever telling their prize the truth of it. Y/n felt ashamed and even dirty for the first few weeks of being Alicent's lady-in-waiting, but she tried not to show it. Instead, she did her duties, smiled, and nodded, but nothing more outside of that. Alicent noticed this change but decided not to question it. Instead, she enjoyed having Y/n in her company again, without the worry of Rhaenyra trying to take Lady Lannister back.
A part of Y/n wondered if maybe her rejection caused Rhaenyra to start lashing out. First, the princess raced out of the hunting party on horseback with Ser Criston Cole in tow, then she decided to end her engagement tour early, and then the worst scandal of all... she snuck out of the Red Keep late one night with her uncle, Daemon. The next morning, as Y/n helped Alicent clean up in the King's chambers, Otto Hightower walked in to speak with Viserys. Both women hid behind the changing screen as the two men spoke, horrified as they both listened to the scandalous rumors about Rhaenyra's night activities with Daemon. It didn't feel as though it was in Rhaenyra's nature to sneak into a whore house and sully herself with her uncle, but Otto confirms the rumors by stating that one of his own spies from the city had spotted the princess and her silver hair. Once Otto had left and Alicent snuck herself and Y/n back to her chambers, the two women consoled one another, with Lady Lannister determined to prove Rhaenyra's innocence.
"I don't believe it, Your Grace," she states while brushing Alicent's hair, "I will speak with my brother. He had the watch patrol last night. Perhaps he could shed some light on these disgusting rumors."
As always, she persuades her oldest brother to walk with her into the royal gardens, but this time, under hushed voices. She asks him if he saw anything strange the previous night, to which Harwin appeared tight-lipped about it. Once Y/n confided in him about the rumors revolving around Rhaenyra, Harwin finally relents, knowing he could trust his sister, "Yes. I saw her. But not at a whore house. She was running through the back alleys with Prince Daemon. Nothing more."
It relaxed Y/n's thoughts for the time being, and she reported this to Alicent. However, the queen seemed reluctant to believe Harwin's report, pacing her chambers that night with a cup of wine in hand. Y/n sat off to the side, watching Alicent wear a path into the floor.
"It's possible that she only wanted to explore the city with the prince," Y/n tried to reassure her queen, "And all anyone who wouldn't want to see her on the Iron Throne would have to do is start a train of whispers."
Alicent nodded, but continued to pace, "I had wondered if my father's spy was just trying to win favor from him."
"Favor? Why would Lord Otto reward someone for this scandal? He'll serve Rhaenyra one day, so why would he want to see her public image fall?"
The question falls from her lips and a thought dawns on Y/n as she watched Alicent pause in her steps, looking away from her handmaid. It was the only answer Y/n needed as she stated the obvious, "Your father doesn't want her to rule."
Alicent doesn't face Y/n when she confessed, "He believes the Seven Kingdoms would burn if she ascended the throne."
"Do you believe that?"
"I don't know," Alicent admits, starting her pacing again while taking a sip of wine, "But Rhaenyra told me herself that nothing happened."
Y/n's eyes widen, shock evident on her face, "You spoke with Rhaenyra?"
"I did."
Lady Y/n's heart falls, her shoulders beginning to slouch with the weight of that sentence. So Alicent and Rhaenyra do still talk. Did that mean this whole contest for Y/n's heart was just one-sided on Rhaenyra's behalf? Alicent doesn't appear to have the motivation to compete with the princess, so why would Rhaenyra say such awful things about her?
She swallowed the bile crawling up her throat, lowering her eyes to the floor, "Do you believe her?"
"I have to believe her. She's my friend."
Y/n's heart continues to shatter at the revelation. Alicent still saw Rhaenyra as a friend, so it could only be Rhaenyra whose envious of this whole... stupid game. It might mean that Alicent doesn't love Y/n the way Rhaenyra does, leaving the princess' anger all for naught... so why did Y/n feel disappointed?
"But...?"
Alicent sighed in exhaustion as Y/n pressed on, "But I can't help but feel like it's true. Rhaenyra isn't the girl we once knew. She's... changed."
"And if the rumors are true, then what difference does it make?"
The Queen's eyes snap back to her lady-in-waiting as if appalled by her friend's stupidity of the obvious, "Her maidenhead was taken, Y/n! Rhaenyra's virtue has been soiled!"
"If that is true, does it really concern you, Your Grace?" Alicent's eyes widen as Y/n finally looks back at her, shocking even herself when her tone and posture remained calm and insincere, "You are not her mother. Whatever happens to her will not affect you."
"She's acting childish and taking advantage of her stature in life. She acts like she can do whatever she wants. And I want her to answer for it."
"You're the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms... anyone would kill to be in the position you're in. And Rhaenyra swore to you that nothing happened. Isn't that enough?"
Alicent never responded, instead asking Y/n to fetch more wine and draw a bath.
~~~~~~~~~
A week passes and Otto is disregarded as Hand of the King, replaced by Y/n's father, Lord Lyonel. Alicent was distraught the night her father left; perhaps it was envy, but she didn't want Y/n to comfort her. Plans had been made for Viserys and Rhaenyra to leave for Driftmark to propose a marriage between her and Laenor Velaryon and not long after they left, Y/n noticed her brother Larys taking a quiet fancy with Alicent. She had caught him speaking to the queen under hushed voices more than once since the king and princess have been away, and Alicent refuses to answer why when Y/n asked her. With her father gone in Driftmark, Y/n instead turns to her other brother.
"I think Larys is spying on the princess and reporting back to Alicent."
Harwin's dark eyebrows furrow, his eyes clearly troubled by this accusation, "Are you certain? He's our brother, Y/n. Do you think he means harm?"
"I don't know... all the same, please keep an eye on Rhaenyra for me. When she returns, that is."
When the King and his daughter return, the Velaryons soon follow and a grand, seven-day wedding ceremony was set to take place. The planning and decorations were as grand as a gods' feast, and half the kingdom was excited about this union. Even Rhaenyra looked happy... and oh, so beautiful in her wedding dress. Being Tyland Lannister's wife, Y/n had to walk into the throne room under his arm and announced as Lady Lannister along with Lord Jason and his wife. Alicent was quite alright with this and told Y/n not to worry about her. She planned on getting herself ready for the night, and for some reason, the way she spoke sent chills down Y/n's back.
It was all going smoothly until Daemon showed up... and then Alicent, wearing the most radiant green dress in the entire world. The color of the dress is what drained the blood from Y/n's face as she sat next to her husband, Tyland even had to help his wife stand when the Queen passed their table. Looking across the way, Y/n spotted both of her brothers standing at the table reserved for their house, and she had trouble swallowing when she noticed her brothers' mouth the words 'green' and 'war'.
Y/n was no fool, and the way Alicent coldly spoke to Rhaenyra only made her stomach turn. Trying to ignore the meaning behind Alicent's dress, Y/n tried watching Laenor and Rhaenyra dance. Over time, others joined the dancefloor, Y/n included. She first danced with her husband and with a brief spin, they switched partners, Tyland now dancing with Rhaenyra and Laenor dancing with Y/n. After a few other dance partners, Y/n eventually spun into her brother's arms and didn't hesitate to whisper in his ear.
"Go dance with the princess. Get her to laugh... I think she needs someone to keep her mind off of things."
Harwin nods with a look of determination. At the next spin, Harwin fits himself between the crowd and eventually finds Rhaenyra. Y/n smiled while watching them dance and didn't pay attention to who her next dance partner could be until she fell into Daemon Targaryen's arms.
"You have quite the loyal dog for a brother, Lady Y/n."
Y/n's posture tightens and her voice thins, "Quite an observation, my prince."
"I haven't had the time to converse with you as of late," Daemon smirks as he spins the pair of them in a circle.
"I apologize, my prince. I have been busy attending to our queen."
"Ah, yes. You're new position as her handmaid. I did wonder why Rhaenyra never spoke of you last time we talked."
Something tightens in Y/n's chest, confusion sprouting on her face, "I doubt she speaks of me that often for you to notice."
"When she was younger, all the time."
It hurt to hear this from Rhaenyra's uncle of all people. Y/n briefly looked away, feeling ashamed enough to change the topic, "I had meant to come to you and apologize for the loss of your wife. The gods are cruel to take away life so young."
"Her life was no loss to me. She was never kind to me. The reason why I came to this celebration was to acquire a new wife," Daemon's smirk had yet to leave, his eyes ever mischievous while looking down at the lady in his arms, "Perhaps you know of someone, my lady?"
Y/n bites the inside of her cheek, "I have been wed to Ser Tyland Lannister for many months now, my prince."
"Congratulations. Although I wasn't referring to you," Daemon's eyes briefly look over her shoulder, "No disrespect. You are quite the creature. But Rhaenyra would never forgive me if I married you. Too many of her family members have taken her lovely friends away as of late."
Y/n followed his gaze and sure enough, Rhaenyra was watching the two of them out of the corner of her eye, but then quickly looked away to laugh at something Harwin had said. The guilt in Y/n's stomach tightened and so she excused herself from the dance floor with the reason of tending to Alicent, who remained sitting at the front of the room.
And just in time as well. Before Y/n could even reach Alicent, a swarm of screams and cries rang out over the dancing crowd, driving her to spin back around. Kingsguards frantically try to break through the mob of lords and ladies, but to no avail, and yet no one knew why there was chaos running through the dancefloor. People were shoving past one another, frantic to find an exit or further crowd around whatever was going on, blocking the view from sight. After a moment of fear, Y/n's feet bring her to Alicent, shielding the Queen with her own body in case of any danger, Alicent's hand gripping onto her friend's arm in fright. As Y/n's eyes scan the room, she noticed that Harwin was standing on the outskirts of the fighting crowd, and Rhaenyra was nowhere to be seen. Lyonel, who just so happened to be standing near his daughter, heard Y/n cry out to him.
"Father! Where is Princess Rhaenyra?!"
With one movement of his head, Lyonel ordered Harwin to move. Y/n could only watch as Harwin rolls his shoulders and forced his way into the crowd, fighting off lords throughout the chaos and pushing his way through until Y/n lost sight of him. Within minutes, she spotted a white dress being risen up over the crowd, and eventually, Harwin pushes his way out of danger, with Rhaenyra thrown over his shoulder. Harwin brings her to the King's table and when no one moved to comfort her, Y/n breaks away from Alicent and gathers the princess into her arms, trying to tame Rhaenyra's shaking body. Rhaenyra clings to Y/n like a lifeline as the crowd grows silent, small gasps of horror shushing over the crowd. As people back away and give each other space, the King's court is finally able to make out the horrific scene.
Due to obvious reasons, Laenor and Rhaenyra were married that very same night, with no one else around but the King and his family, the Knight of Kisses' blood still splattered over the throne room floor.
~~~~~~~~~
Ten years pass, and it felt as though Rhaenyra, Alicent, and Y/n became strangers to each other as time passed on. Between three children born from each woman though everyone seems to forget Daeron, switched alliances, and the King's disintegrating health, Y/n has learned to move on and treat her once entrusted friends as just her Queen and her Princess.
Even though Y/n was still her handmaiden, Alicent began to grow distant from her once close friend. By the time those ten years came around, Y/n was nothing more than another servant girl to Queen Alicent. Y/n Lannister wanted the days when Alicent trusted her with advice and secrets back more than anything, and she couldn't help but feel that loss and even disgust when Alicent forced her to go to Rhaenyra after the princess just gave birth to her third son. Y/n couldn't look Rhaenyra in the eye when she spoke on the Queen's behalf to see the newborn prince, Joffrey, and was quickly sent away when she tried helping Rhaenyra dress. For years, Y/n wanted to be a part of Rhaenyra's pregnancies as she was there for Alicent's, but the Targaryen princess never permitted her to, and always sent her back to her 'precious queen'.
Y/n wasn't sure why Alicent began alienating her, but instead of finding out, she instead let Larys keep her old friend company. Y/n embraced her crippled brother as the Queen's spy, despite not approving of it. She didn't want Alicent to feel lonely, so at least she could still find a friend in Larys. Y/n just let them be.
As for Rhaenyra, both Harwin and Laenor filled in the roles Y/n could not be for the princess. Over the years, Y/n entrusted the two men to care for Rhaenyra in her place, and they always felt the need to report back to Y/n. It was as though Harwin and Laenor understood Y/n's motives were genuine and they wanted her to feel as though Rhaenyra was still a part of her life as she is in theirs. Harwin even spoke to Laenor in secret once, telling him about the relationship between Rhaenyra and Y/n. As someone who understands what it's like to love someone you can't have, Laenor was kind to Y/n and treated her like a friend, always informing her of Rhaenyra and her children's well-being.
From a distance, Y/n loved Rhaenyra and Alicent's children, almost as much as her own. Y/n and Tyland Lannister had two sons and one daughter, Gerold, Lyonel, and Rohanne, all with hair like their father and eyes like their mother. Despite not being the Lord of Casterly Rock, Ser Tyland was highly respected among the King's court and so were his children. Therefore, they had lessons besides all the royal children. The daughters sang together and the sons often trained together in the yard. It felt peaceful, in a way, despite Alicent and Rhaenyra side-eyeing each other. Along with Y/n, people began to call the women the Three Mothers. Y/n didn't want a part of that title, already tired of the whispers she hears about the Greens and the Blacks in the King's court. No matter who asked her, Y/n's answer was always the same.
"I am nothing but the Queen's handmaiden."
Peace suddenly came to an end when Lyonel Strong decided to take his son back to Harrenhal after Harwin attacked Ser Criston in the training yard. Lyonel kissed his daughter goodbye with the promise of returning soon. As for Harwin, Y/n hugged her brother as tight as she could muster, half hoping to break Ser Breakbones' ribs so he would be forced to stay. Harwin kissed the top of his sister's head as he bid her farewell, "Send letters as often as you can. Write about your children and how they're managing."
"Every day," she promised.
Harwin laughed quietly, his expression heartbreaking. Y/n understood why, but didn't say it out loud as he whispered, "Promise me you'll look after the boys and their mother."
His sister nodded in understanding, so he left without another word, afraid of watching Y/n shed tears for him.
That was the last time Y/n ever saw her father and brother.
Word got back to King's Landing about a fire that set Harrenhal aflame around the same time Rhaenyra took her family to live in Dragonstone. The deaths of Lyonel and Harwin Strong brought the Red Keep into a week of mourning in black. Y/n was beside herself, distraught and mourning the death of her family members. Larys, now the Lord of Harrenhal, barely bats an eye at the news and didn't ever visit to comfort his little sister.
Alicent, however, became kind and gentle to her old friend, as if the years of alienating Y/n never happened. The Queen was strangely sincere and comforted Y/n when she needed it the most. What was meant to comfort Y/n, however, only brought a dreading and chilling sensation to the back of her neck. Every inch of her wanted to pull away whenever Alicent touched her as if her body had a mind of its own, but she forced herself to keep still and let Alicent be her friend once again. The returning friendship continued even as the royal family traveled to Driftmark to pay their respects after the death of Laena Velaryon. Y/n left her husband and children and traveled with the Queen herself.
It was like hitting the last nail in the coffin for Lady Y/n. Tensions were high during Laena's funeral, but it all came to a head late that very night after Lucerys attacked Aemond with a knife, leading to the loss of the Targaryen prince's eye. Rhaenyra continued to lie and defend the legitimacy of her children's parentage as the reason behind Luke attacking Aemond. This terrible occurrence led to Alicent demanding an eye for an eye, much to Y/n's horror and disgust. Even if Rhaenyra's children were bastards and they attacked a prince... Y/n couldn't find it within herself to care. Those boys were not just Rhaenyra's sons... they were Harwin's as well. Y/n never wanted harm to come to her secret nephews, and she made a promise to her late brother to protect his family.
When Alicent took King Viserys' knife and attacked Rhaenyra, Y/n's first instinct was to hold Jace and Luke back, despite their screams and cries for their mother. They buried their little faces into Y/n's skirt, scared to watch as their mother fought for her life, all the while Y/n cried and begged Alicent to stop this madness. Alicent and Rhaenyra's true colors were shown that night, and Y/n's heart was completely shattered.
After the attack, Rhaenyra was rushed away to be tended to by a maester, and Y/n took the boys to be with their mother. Lady Y/n even stayed with the small family as Rhaenyra was stitched up, neither woman saying a word to the other. Y/n felt reluctant to tend to her queen that night, but duty demanded her to do so, forcing her to leave Rhaenyra and her sons. Rhaenyra watched Y/n leave the room with a heavy heart, calling out to her as she reached the door.
"Lady Y/n... thank you."
Y/n could only nod to her old friend before leaving for the Queen's temporary chambers. As she entered, Otto Hightower, the newly regained Hand of the King, was leaving. Y/n bowed her head to him and closed the door once he left, not saying a word as she moved to help Alicent undress.
"Stop," Alicent ordered, her eyes hard as she watched Y/n flinch under her gaze, "You shielded Rhaenyra's sons... you sided against me."
"I meant no offense, Your Grace," Y/n whispered, unable to meet Alicent's gaze, "I acted upon my motherly instincts to shield a child from further harm... that's all."
"That's all?" Alicent lets the room linger in silence before making her accusation known, "How strange that after your brother's death, you started to dote on the very children suspected to be his bastards."
Y/n's eyes spring up and firmly lock onto Alicent's, "Princess Rhaenyra's sons are Velaryon, Your Grace. I believe that."
"Name your proof."
"Their grandmother, Princess Rhaenys, is half Baratheon. Black of hair runs in the blood of that family. Lord Laenor may have Velaryon descent from his father, but he also carried that dark hair trait from his mother and onto his sons. It's the only explanation."
"So you don't believe your brother sired these children?"
"My brother was many things, Your Grace..." Y/n's voice broke as she recounted her recent loss, letting out a shaking breath, "A dishonorable man wasn't one of them."
This answer didn't satisfy Alicent. It only angered her. She swiftly turned away from her handmaiden, "Go. I'll tend to myself."
Y/n bows despite Alicent not noticing, turning to leave the room. She makes it to the door before her inner demons took over. Slowly, the Lady Lannister turned back to face her queen, "Your Grace... was it my fault you and Rhaenyra became disheartened? If I had done anything different... all those years ago, would you two still love one another?"
The room fell silent apart from the crackling of the fire. Alicent stubbornly keeps her back turned to Y/n as she slowly, coldly, spoke with the regency of a queen and not a friend, "Whatever thoughts you have in mind, Lady Y/n, squander it. Don't ever ask me that again."
Y/n sucks in a sharp breath, blinking back tears, "Then it's true. What Rhaenyra said about your love for me was true."
Alicent spins around and spoke with a dark, threatening tone, slowly teetering into madness even with more tears in her eyes as the events of tonight come jumping back at her, "Watch your tone with me, Lady Y/n! I am the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms! And... and I have the power to be rid of you."
~~~~~~~~~
The day after the royal company settled back into King's Landing, the King and his court and family receive news of Laenor Velaryon's death and the marriage between Prince Daemon and Princess Rhaenyra. Watching the way everyone reacted to this news, Y/n felt the final piece of the puzzle fall into place in her head. When she heard of the marriage herself, her mind had been made up.
Y/n asked the King if she may be excused from Alicent's service so that she would be able to leave for Casterly Rock. When Viserys appeared shocked by this request, the lady further explained that her children should spend time in their family's keep and reunite with family members from their father's side. She also reasoned that her eldest son needed to learn how to govern a keep one day, and what better way to learn than from his uncle, the Lord of the Westerlands. Viserys obliged with this request, seeing the logic behind Y/n leaving instead of the actual intent.
She packed up her children's clothes that day, her husband already waiting for them with a wagon and company at the gate of the Red Keep. Y/n ignored her offspring's pleas of staying and tried reasoning with them.
"Think about the adventures you could have with your uncle's children. Does that not sound like fun? I promise you'll love the Rock. It's going to be beautiful this time of year."
The boys groaned and dragged their feet while Rohanne clung to her mother's hand as they make it outside to the gate, the King waiting by Ser Tyland to say goodbye. To Y/n's surprise, the Queen and her children were also waiting in a line of farewell to the Lannister family, the children kindly bowing their heads to one another and promising to write. Viserys embraces Y/n and her children, even petting her hair for good measure.
"This has been your home ever since you were a girl. I would be lying if it didn't feel as though I am saying goodbye to someone like my own daughter."
A brief smile flashes onto Y/n's face as she wished her king good health before walking down the line of the royal family. She dutifully bowed to each of the princes and the princess before making it to the end of the line. Hesitantly, Y/n approached Alicent, and both women held a tense gaze for what felt like ages. Finally, Y/n bowed to the Queen, lowering her sorrowful eyes.
"I wish you good fortune, my Queen."
Alicent didn't appear surprised or impressed, her voice tight with paranoia, "Do you truly?"
Y/n straightened her posture and raised her head back up, sporting heartbroken tears in her eyes, "As I wish for Princess Rhaenyra's."
She turned away and climbed into the carriage without ever looking back at Alicent. If she had, she would've seen unshed tears swimming in the queen's own eyes, tears she would have said were caused by the wind if anyone asked, but no one questioned her emotions.
Once the carriage leaves King's Landing, Y/n's tears have dried and she instead watches the land move outside her window, occasionally entertaining her children for their long journey ahead. Eventually, Tyland leaned towards his wife, voice lowered, "I still don't know why you wanted to leave. Over the years, I learned to stop asking you since you seemed adamant about staying."
Y/n rolls her lips, forcing a sob down before it could even crawl up her throat, "I was being torn in two for a war I didn't ask for. I would rather die than choose sides."
~~~~~~~~~
A/N: I got carried away again. Sorry. I know I made this kinda depressing, but I was struggling over who Y/n should choose, then I decided to have the fighting over her come at a stalemate. It's like a divorced couple fighting over a child and thinking "why does my kid never come and visit" only it's actually their lover and she knows that in their own way, both women are toxic.
I guess this story is a little biased because of me. I'm Team Black, but only because in the books, Alicent is already portrayed as the enemy and her relationship with Rhaenyra is vastly different from the show. Rhaenyra is easily portrayed as the hero in the books, so it's easy to root for Team Black. However, in the show, Alicent is a more complex character and she's even likable, so I can easily see why people are Team Green. So, since I'm undecided, so is Y/n Strong/Lannister.
#house of the dragon imagine#alicent hightower#alicent hightower imagine#alicent hightower x reader#hotd imagine#hotd#house of the dragon#got#asoiaf#fire and blood#rhaenyra targaryen#rhaenyra x alicent#rhaenyra x reader#rhaenyra targaryen imagine#rhaenyra targaryen x reader#harwin strong#tyland lannister#otto hightower#king viserys targaryen#larys strong#larys clubfoot#hotd spoilers
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Aside from the theme of finding yourself again and the importance of remembering where you come from, I really appreciated how well the show explored all the positive and negative consequences of letting go.
Through Sang-tae, we got to see how not letting go of your grief can blind you to the grief of others to the point that you get so focused on what you're experiencing that you hurt the people that you love. And then we got to see what happened when Sang-tae finally let go of his anger. He was finally able to see that other people were grieving for his wife. And by letting go of that anger, Sang-tae was finally able to talk about his wife in ways that weren't painful. He was able to gain back the friendships and happiness in his life that we lost.
Through Sang-do, we got to see how not letting go can cause you to get stuck and miss out on a lot of opportunities. By refusing to let go of his crush on Sam-dal, Sang-do was stuck in the past and didn't get to make a meaningful romantic relationship of his own. When he finally was able to accept the fact that his crush on Sam-dal wasn't going to be reciprocated, he seemed a lot more free. So, both Sang-tae and Sang-do were similar in the fact that letting go of something that is painful can be freeing.
Through Sam-dal, we got to see how letting go can actually be harmful and isolating. Sam-dal didn't want her relationship with Yong-pil to get in between Yong-pil and his dad, so she let go of her connection to Samdal-ri. She stopped talking to her mutual friends and she stayed in Seoul even though she had the right to spend time in her hometown just as much as Yong-pil and his dad. When she came back to Samdal-ri and let herself acknowledge that she was allowed to have her friendships and connections to her hometown, she seemed a lot happier with herself.
Through Yong-pil, we got to see that sometimes it's okay to not let go and instead hold onto things. Even though he was a part from Sam-dal, Yong-pil didn't let go of his feelings towards Sam-dal. He waited and waited and waited and eventually, he was able to be with her again. We also got to see that through Dae-yeong. He didn't let go of his feelings towards Jin-dal and they ended up back together too.
Through Yong-pil, we also got to see that it can be bad to always let go of your dreams to focus on helping others. Sam-dal was right to tell Yong-pil that he needed to go to Switzerland because he would have regrets if he didn't.
There's obviously a lot of other examples around letting go in the show, but I really did like how we got to see all the ways it can be painful to not let go, how freeing it can be to let go, how it can be okay to hold on instead of letting go, and how letting go all the time can be bad too.
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i don't know if you're the best people to ask about this, but i don't follow a lot of systems on here so i'll ask anyway and if you dont know, maybe you can direct the question to someone who might.
As a fictive, how do i deal with the grief of knowing i'll never see my friends/family again? it's so overwhelming. -td
There's no one foolproof way to deal with grief. But the tactic we've found that works best for us is to sit with our grief and just let ourselves feel it for a time. Acknowledge it exists, let yourself feel sad, and then go do something you enjoy that doesn't require a lot of energy but will take your mind off it. Give yourself breaks to feel what you need to feel. Don't push it to the side; that tends to make it worse in the long run. By giving yourself time to acknowledge and sit with your grief, you're giving yourself time to process and accept it.
We like to do this while listening to music, but it's kind of random when we'll feel grief for something or someone, so we don't really have a "bad times playlist" or anything – just whatever song we were listening to, so long as it's not drastically clashing with our mood. Incidentally, it's a good way to make sure you don't wallow for too long – a play or two of a song is usually long enough for us, but your mileage may vary.
For grieving people specifically, it's important to us that we take what reminds us of them and give it a positive context – for example, if we're missing a person, and piano music reminds us of them, it's important that we train our brain to not associate it with overwhelming grief (thus making it somewhat of a trigger for grief when we hear it), and so we try things like listening to it in the background when doodling, or seeking out really good performances and thinking of how that person would enjoy the music, and want us to enjoy it, too. It's a matter of trying not to let your emotions get the best of you, while also not trying to strong-arm them into disappearing (because emotions are stubborn like that and will hit you back with a vengeance).
Hope this helps, td. I wish you the best in your mourning.
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Hold on to me, 'Cause I'm a little unsteady
Characters - Joel Miller x Reader, Tommy Miller, OC.
Summary - After the fight with Joel, you are met with a familiar face at the bar. That familiar face tell's you something that Joel has never spoken about. You don't know how to process or move past it.
Word Count - 4.8K
Warnings/Tags - 18+ only Minors dni. Typical canon language, Swearing, Heavy on the Angst (again I'm so sorry), Alcohol consumption, character death, Mentions of panic attacks and anxiety, Grieving!Joel, I think that's all?
A/N - Set Pre-Outbreak! This is a follow on from 'Do You Want Me Or Do You Not?' Another huge thank you to @pedgeitopascal for beta reading and being the best hype woman going! ILYSM <3
Feedback is always appreciated!
Read Chpt 1 here ~ Do You Want Me Or Do You Not?
Divider credit to @saradika
You turn your head slightly to look over your shoulder at the lean man standing behind you. You didn't need to check who it was because you already knew, but it felt impolite not to acknowledge him. You sigh heavily and nod to the empty barstool beside you, then turn to face the bartender, who was quickly wiping down the bar.
Picking up your glass, you throw the remainder of your drink back in one large mouthful, swallowing hard and savouring the way the liquid burned your throat and spread heat radiating through your chest like little tendrils of fire.
"Hey, could I get another and a beer for him, please?" You asked the bartender, who had made her way down to your corner.
"Sure, honey," she said, her voice low and breathy. You raised your eyebrows, then chuckled under your breath as you followed her gaze and realised that she was staring dreamily at your new drinking partner.
"Seriously, Tommy, can you go anywhere without trying to take someone home with you?" You rolled your eyes and poked your elbow into his ribs with a halfhearted attempt at a smile.
"I didn't even do anything; she started it!" He laughed and winked at the admittedly beautiful woman behind the bar.
She giggled, and you could see the start of a blush creeping into her cheeks as she quickly turned her back to get started on your drink order.
"I'm telling you it's the power of the stache." He chuckled as he twirled the corners of the dark hair on his upper lip, wiggling his eyebrows up and down like a cartoon character.
You know that he is trying to lighten the mood and cheer you up a bit. You have a feeling this meeting isn't random and that he's already heard about your fight with his brother.
"Oh yeah, that's definitely it," you agree sarcastically, laughing despite yourself.
"So is this a chance encounter or have you been speaking to Joel?" You ask without meeting his eyes. Something in you hopes that he has spoken to Joel, not only so you can gauge what kind of mood he is now in but also to make sure he is okay.
"Okay, you got me," he sighs, holding his hands up in surrender.
"He called me about a half hour ago; he's worried about you. He said you guys had a fight. He tried to call you, but your phone was in the house, and you'd been gone for a few hours, so he was worried. Sarah's in bed, so he asked if I could look for you and make sure you were okay, and here I am." He gave you a small smile, brimming with sympathy.
Over the years, Tommy had become one of your closest friends, even though he was Joel's brother. He was your closest confidant. You know you can tell him anything and it will never go any further.
"Well, you found me! I'm guessing it didn't take you too long," you huffed.
"Y/N, what happened? Joel didn't tell me anything; he just said it was bad, and he sounded like a wreck. I don't mean to pry, but you two never fight like this." He leaned forward on his stool, mirroring your posture as he rested his elbows on the bar top.
Knowing you couldn't get out of answering him, you took a deep breath and blew it out through your mouth. You raised your head and met his eyes for the first time since he sat beside you, and you instantly wished you hadn't. Swallowing hard against the lump that was quickly making a reappearance in your throat.
Saved by the bartender as she set another double on the grubby coaster in front of you, she placed a small napkin with what you assumed was the bar's logo printed on one of the corners, but on further inspection, it was her phone number. You smiled into your glass as you took another sip of your drink.
"By the way, my name is Valentina," she said to the man beside you, sharing a small smile with you, and just as she was about to tell you your total, you beat her to it.
"Don't worry, he's buying," you said, laughing for the first time all night.
"Yeah, I suppose I deserve that," he says, rolling his eyes at you.
"Thank you, sweetheart," he chuckles and hands Valentina a twenty, telling her to keep the change. She nods, looking at the napkin, and then back to Tommy, who carefully picks it up and folds it into his flannel's breast pocket.
Giving her another wink, he turns to you questioningly. "Well? What happened?" Raising an eyebrow and lifting his beer to his lips. Knowing full well that if you go through the events of the evening again, you will end up in tears. So you decide to keep it simple.
"He came home in a mood and lost his temper. He asked me what I was even doing with him—with Sarah. Why don't I go find another guy to "play house with"?" You use the first two fingers of both hands to make air quotes around the last sentence.
You could hear Tommy's audible intake of breath over the hum of chatter as the final words left your mouth. He's just staring at you, wide-eyed, with his mouth open in surprise. He knows his brother can be an asshole at times, but he never thought he would speak to you like that.
"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction," you sigh, taking another deep sip of your drink, swirling the glass in your hand, and admiring how the ice forms beautiful patterns on the surface.
"Jesus, Y/N, I'm really sorry. That's fucked up. I can't believe he said that to you," Tommy says in disbelief.
His hand runs back and forth over his top lip and leaves it there. He was racking his brain for the right thing to say. You smile up at him, appreciating the position he is in. Joel is not only his brother but also his best friend, and it must be difficult for him to listen to his brother's relationship problems from anyone other than Joel himself.
"Listen Tommy. I appreciate you checking in on me, and I must say I'm impressed you found me so quickly, but I'm not going to make you sit here on a Friday night and listen to your brother's girlfriend gossip about him. Go have fun with Valentina; I'm sure her shift ends soon. You deserve to have a good time after the shifts you've put in this week." You try your hardest to make the smile convincing, but he can see it doesn't meet your eyes, and he knows you're hurting.
"Well, first of all, you're not just my brother's girlfriend. You also happen to be my best friend, and as tempting as Valentina is, I think I'm going to stick around. You can have another drink, and then I'll take you home." Tommy states, leaving you no room to argue.
You can feel tears pricking at the back of your eyes as he mentions taking you home. What if Joel doesn't want you to come back? What if you can't move past this?
Tommy can see you spiralling and pulls you into his chest as your eyes brim over and the tears start again. You let him comfort you because you don't know what else to do and you feel helpless as your life seems to be crumbling around you.
"Shhh, sweetheart, it's going to be alright. Joel doesn't always express his emotions well, but on anniversaries, he tends to either bottle them up or spill them over; I guess today he just let them out." Tommy soothes you, rubbing small circles on your shoulder with his thumb.
You sniffle and pull back from his chest, trying to get a hold of your own emotions, wiping the tears away with the back of your hand. What he is saying doesn't make any sense.
"What do you mean? Our anniversary isn't until November?" You take a deep breath, waiting for him to explain.
"No, Darlin, not your anniversary. It's her anniversary," he said quietly, gently removing his arm from your shoulder and looking at the chipped bar top in front of him, lost in his own memories.
"Tommy I know I've had a drink, but I'm not following. What are you talking about?" Your brows furrow. Why is everyone being so cryptic today?
"The anniversary of Jessica's death, Y/N," he says in a low, strained voice.
You could tell that he was fighting to keep his emotions in check. You just stared back at him. Your eyes searched his face for more information but found nothing.
You haven't heard Joel or Tommy talk about someone named Jessica before. Racking your brain to bring a memory to the forefront of your mind that did not exist You don't know who he is talking about.
"What?" Your voice was inaudible. It was just a breath. If Tommy hadn't been searching your face, he would have missed it entirely.
"Joel's wife…Sarah's mom?" He looked you in the eyes with genuine concern. He was wondering how much you had to drink. Even though there was only one glass in front of you when he arrived.
"Sarah's…Joels…w-what?" you stutter out.
You were both having the same thought at that moment. You began to wonder if the alcohol was starting to take effect; your brain felt fuzzy, speeding at 100mph to try and make sense of what Tommy was telling you.
"Y/N, are you alright?" "Let me get you some water," he said, standing from his stool and waving Valentina over to ask for a glass of water.
She filled it straight from the tap and handed it to him. You sat with your head in your hands, trying to take deep breaths to keep your stomach from flipping.
Tommy kneels in front of you and presses his hand against your knee, pleading with you to drink. You take a few large gulps and tell him that you need to get some air.
You turn on your heel and push through the crowd of people.
In your moping, you hadn't taken notice of your surroundings or how busy the bar had gotten. You finally make it to the doors and fling them open with more force than you mean to. Immediately, you start inhaling lungfuls of the humid night air, but it is not enough.
Your chest is rapidly rising and falling, as if an elephant is standing over you with its foot on your chest. You can't get enough oxygen. You need to calm down.
Slowly you slide down the wall, leaning against the old, shabby brick, until you reach the floor, trying to calm your rapid breathing by pushing your head between your knees.
"Y/N?!…Y/N?!" You hear Tommy's equally panicked voice emerging from the bar.
You don't have it in yourself to speak just yet, so you raise a shaky hand into the air and wave him over. Holding up one finger as your breathing begins to return to normal.
"Y/N I'm so sorry, are you alright? I didn't know; I thought you knew." He rushed out, words failing him.
"Joel had a wife, and she…died?" You choke out.
You had no idea when you looked up at Tommy that his heart was breaking all over again. Memories of his brother, broken and hollow. A shell of who he used to be. It took a long time for Joel to be where he is today.
How could you not know? How could Joel have kept this from you after all these years? He never spoke about Sarah's mother, you just assumed that the relationship hadn't worked out and he had custody of his daughter.
"Yes, Darlin, he did. C'mon, let's get you off the ground; we can talk in the truck," he whispered, leaning over to wrap an arm around your shoulders to offer you support.
He knew you weren't drunk, but you still needed him to brace you. The numbness in your legs returned as you concentrated on moving one in front of the other.
Tommy opened the cab of the truck silently, helping you in and closing the door after you. He circled the front of the cab and paused for a few moments before climbing in himself. He let out a deep breath that whooshed through the cab of the truck.
"Are you alright?" he asked in a small voice. Knowing immediately that it was a stupid question.
You didn't know how to answer him; you just stare blankly out the windscreen of the truck. Tears were burning your eyes and staining where they had fallen onto your grey t-shirt. You only realised you were shivering as Tommy wrapped his jacket around your shoulders.
"What happened, Tommy? When did it happen? Why didn't I…why wouldn't he?" You cried into your hands.
"I just left him there; he is in pain, and I just left him alone." As the realisation set in, a new wave of heart-wrenching sobs broke from your chest.
Joel Miller had lost his wife, and you left him when he needed you the most because of some stupid argument.
"Sweetheart, you didn't know. You couldn't have known. Do not blame yourself for this. It's not your fault, and it's not anyone else's fault." His voice trembled as he soothed you. Tears escaped the corners of his eyes.
"Tommy, I need to see him. I need to speak to Joel." You felt numb as you fastened your seatbelt and went back to staring out the windscreen. You didn't speak for the rest of the journey home, and neither did he.
You were both lost in your own minds. You're trying to process everything, and Tommy is lost in memories that feel like they belong to another life entirely. Before you knew it, Tommy was pulling into the driveway of the house you shared with Joel and Sarah.
Even though it was well past midnight, the porch light remained on. You knew Joel was waiting for you, and you desperately wanted to run into the house and throw your arms around him.
To bury your head in the crook of his neck and tell him everything is going to be okay and that you are sorry, that you shouldn't have left, and that you will never leave again.
Your feet wouldn't move. You stared at Tommy as he jumped down from the step of the truck. Your eyes widened in fear as you realised what was waiting on the other side of the front door.
You don't know where to begin. How do you look the person you love most in this world in the face and tell him that you know about the secret they have been keeping for so many years? You don't want to hurt him by bringing up painful memories, but he has to know.
"Tommy, I don't know what to do," you mumble, your voice raw from the tears welling up in your eyes.
"I know; I'm here. It's okay; you will get through this. I'll come in, and we can all talk." He moves quickly to your side and moves you forward with him.
When you place your foot on the first step of the porch, the front door swings open, and you find yourself in Joel's arms. You can't help but watch as your arms wrap around his neck, hands fisting in the hair at the nape of his neck. You sob openly into his chest, barely able to catch your breath.
"I'm so sorry, Joel. I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm so sorry." You feel his strong arms wrap around your body like an iron cage.
Joel moves his hands to cradle either side of your face. He looks into your eyes, and he knows. He looks at his brother and by the look of guilt and confusion in his eyes, He knows you now know the painful secret he couldn't bring himself to tell you.
It feels like the world has been lifted off his shoulders. He crushes you to his chest and buries his face in your hair. You have no idea how long you stood there holding each other.
The buzz of fireflies in the air around you and the hot summer night causes your skin to stick to his where it is exposed at his neck and his arms. Joel kisses your temple and takes your face in his strong hands, tracing a calloused finger across your cheekbone.
"C'mon, let's get you inside; Tommy will be passed out on the couch at this rate," he husked, his voice hoarse with emotion.
Sure enough, when the two of you made your way into the living room, Tommy was sprawled out on the sofa, his feet, still in his work boots, resting on the arm. His eyes closed by jaw not yet slack. You assumed he was trying to give you both a moment of privacy. Joel walked over and hit the toe of his boot with a smack.
"Get up, you can sleep later, but we need to talk, and I need you." He murmurs to the man slumped over the couch.
Joel hasn't let go of your hand since he embraced you on the porch. As if he's afraid you'll vanish if he lets go. He walks you into the kitchen, the mess from earlier gone, and motions for you to sit, pulling out one of the dining room chairs.
Tommy is sitting in the armchair in the living room, unlacing his work boots. He toes them off and comes to meet you both at the table. Joel opens the top cupboard of the kitchen cabinet and produces a bottle of Jameson's and three glasses.
Placing them on the table, he shares a look with his brother. You were almost sure that he was thanking him for tonight. For giving him the opportunity to be completely honest with you. Something he's long wanted to do but couldn't put into words.
"I have to go get something, Y/N baby, can you pour us a glass, I'll only be a minute," Joel asks as he strokes his fingers through your hair; you can't help but lean into his affection after the earlier hostility.
You look up at him as his touch lingers; your eyes are puffy and your skin is blotchy from all the crying, and it's like a spear to his already damaged heart.
He hates upsetting you, and he feels like a bastard for the words he threw at you mere hours ago. With one final kiss to your forehead, satisfied that you are not going anywhere, he lets go of your hand and heads for the stairs.
You let out a breath that you felt like you had been holding for a lifetime. Tommy follows suit and scratches the back of his neck, you want him to know how grateful you are for him telling you about Jessica, and take the opportunity now when Joel is upstairs.
"Thank you for telling me. I know you didn't do it on purpose; you thought I already knew, but I am glad I know now. I don't think Joel would have ever been able to bring it up himself, even if he wanted to. " You smile fondly at the man sitting across from you. You really did get lucky in the best friend department.
"I'm just sorry that's how you found out. It should have been different, and I'm sorry." Tommy spoke sincerely, taking hold of your hand that was resting on the table and giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"Alright, alright, can you stop making moves on my girl Miller?" Joel teased as he made his way back into the kitchen, clapping his hand on his brother's shoulder and giving it a squeeze as he passed.
Trying to lighten the mood before getting ready for what was to come He was holding a box in his large hands, dwarfing it, though it looked to be a bit bigger than a shoe box. Tommy gives him a knowing look and a nod of encouragement as Joel set it down in front of you and opened the lid.
He pulled out his chair and sat between you and Tommy. He hands you the first picture he pulls from the box. Staring back at you from the photo is a woman with a mane of shoulder-length curls, the colour of obsidian.
She has bright eyes that reminded you of Sarah's and a beaming smile that seemed to radiate happiness. As you examined the photograph, a smile formed on your lips.
"This is Jessica," Joel said quietly, his voice thick with unshed tears. You looked up to meet his gaze and could see his eyes misting.
"She is so beautiful, Joel," you said, your voice cracking as you reached your hand up to stroke his cheek, his facial hair soft against the pad of your thumb. He reflexively leaned into your touch and sighed heavily.
"It was 14 years ago today that she was driving home from the airport after a trip to visit her parents. Sarah was only a few months old, so Jess didn't want her to go on the aeroplane, so I stayed home with her. I wanted to pick her up from the airport when she got back, but she insisted on taking a cab to avoid disturbing Sarah's night routine. And on the way back home, the cab she was in was hit by another driver who was texting. She never made it home." He lets the tears flow freely now, with you holding his hand and stroking your fingers back and forth to soothe him.
Tommy is on his other side, hand resting on his shoulder. Joel takes a deep, jagged breath and lets it go, finishing off the rest of his glass and pouring another. Topping yours and Tommy's as he does so.
"Joel, I am so sorry. I know nothing I say will make it hurt any less, but I am." Tears pool in your eyes at the thought that the life you have been living for the last four years is the one she never got to, and it breaks your heart all over again.
"I know, baby. I'm sorry. It was too painful for me to talk about it with anyone. On her anniversary, Tommy usually just takes me out to a bar and drinks with me; we don't talk about what happened. I don't think I would have ever been able to if it wasn't for tonight." The words are tumbling out of his mouth, and you notice towards the end that he is just thinking out loud.
Joel is realising for the first time himself that he would truly never have spoken of her again. The woman he still loves to his very core, the mother of his only child. How could he let his pain cloud her memory all these years?
He didn't know where to begin broaching the topic with you; he wanted you to know everything about him, and yet he felt a constant anxiety that would make his heart feel like it had stopped when he thought about telling you the truth.
He knew that he made it seem like Jessica had left him and Sarah when she was only a few months old—not that he ever explicitly said those words, but he didn't give any explanation, and in his defence, you had never asked for one.
"Sarah knows what happened; she was so young that she has no memory of her mom, and she would look through this sometimes." He placed his hand on the lid of the open box, his fingers etching small swirls in the dust that had collected there over time.
"But she would never ask much about her; I think she knows that it hurts me to talk about her. I feel like I have denied her the chance to know who her mother was, and I don't think I can ever forgive myself for that." He let out a weary sigh, exhaustion evident on his face.
"Well, you don't need to worry about that big brother. Sarah talks to me about Jess. She knows who her mom was, and she understands why there aren't any photos of her around the house and why you don't talk about her. You don't need to feel guilty for grieving, Joel," Tommy said. Speaking in a tone that you have not heard from him before, it was as if the brothers' roles were reversed for a moment.
"Thanks, baby brother. You know, I think it's time that changed, though. I want there to be pictures of her around the place. I want to remember the good memories. I want to remember her instead of burying my head in the sand. Is that okay with you, Y/N? This is your home too, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable." He looks at you sincerely. A light in his eye that you have never seen before.
"Of course it is Joel. I would like that very much; Jessica is still part of this family, of our family, and I would be honoured to have her pictures around the house," you agreed eagerly.
He smiled at you; it was a warm smile that met his eyes, shining with hope, relief, and pure love. It made your heart feel like it would burst out of your chest. How could it be possible to love someone as much as you loved this man?
This family is your family, and you will do everything you can to make sure Jessica remains a part of it. You know that Joel will never be fully healed from the loss of his wife. That isn't how grief works, but you will be there by his side to help him through the dark days and to rejoice with him on the good ones.
"Okay, I think that's enough whisky for one night, boys," you say as you shove the cork back into the bottle with a thunk. Standing from the table, you stretch; your bones are tired and sore from being tensed all night.
"Time for bed; we have to get up early tomorrow!" you state matter-of-factly, looking down at the two men who shared a confused glance at each other before looking up at where you stood by the corner of the table.
"Uh, Y/N tomorrow is Saturday. Saturday's mean lie-ins?" Tommy's voice goes up an octave at the end of his sentence, turning it into a question.
Joel looked at his brother nodding in agreement, before backing him up with a pointed finger and a "Yeah, what he said!" You laughed at them both and shook your head.
"No, not this Saturday. We are going to get up. Go for a family breakfast, and then we need to go pick out some new picture frames." You finished with a nod of your head, leaving no room for argument.
"You heard the lady; it's time to hit the sack," Joel chuckled.
God, it was good to hear him laugh after all that had happened today. He places his big hand on Tommy's shoulder and gives it another firm squeeze as he stands from the table, pulling his chair back with his other hand. You walk around the dining table and press a quick peck to Tommy's cheek, wishing him goodnight.
"You better be buying breakfast!" He mumbled under his breath, making you and Joel laugh as you made your way through the living room to the stairs.
As you pass Sarah's room, you crack the door open to check on her, seeing her sleeping peacefully, her mop of dark curls spread across her pillow, and her soft snores making their way to your ears and squeezing at your heart.
Once you reach your bedroom, you start to undress, not bothering with your pyjamas tonight. Your bones ached, and you could hear the bed calling to you.
You know Joel is thinking the same thing as he lets his clothes fall in a heap on the floor at the foot of the bed. He crawls into bed beside you. He pulls your back into his chest and rubs his thumb up and down your ribs. The two of you lay there for a while, no words needing to be spoken, just enjoying the closeness after a very emotional day.
"Thank you," he murmurs into your ear, his voice low and gravely; it makes the baby hairs on the back of your neck stand up and goosebumps spread across your skin.
"What for?" you ask confused.
"For being such a beautiful, caring human. For being so understanding when I have been lying to you all these years, and for allowing her to be part of our lives. I know today has been really hard, but I promise, baby, it will get better from here on out. I will be better," he whispers into your ear, the words full of sincerity.
You turn to face him, bringing your hand up to stroke his face. You can see how drained he is by the way his eyelids are closing as you softly scratch your fingers through the hair on his cheek. You lean in and place a lingering kiss on his lips.
"I'm not mad at you for lying to me Joel, I understand why you couldn't tell me about Jessica. I need you to know that. I'm just glad you don't have to shoulder this on your own now" you nuzzle your nose against his. He nods in acknowledgement and runs the back of his fingers across your cheek.
"And how can you be better when you're already the best?" You whisper softly against his mouth.
"I love you more than you will ever know, Y/N." he breathes. Pressing a sweet whisky-scented kiss against your lips as he drifts to sleep.
#joel miller angst#joel x reader#joel x y/n#joel x you#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller the last of us#joel miller hbo#joel miller x female reader#joel miller x f!reader#joel miller pedro pascal#pedro pascal characters#joel miller
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disclaimer: i love kel omori
was talking to juno (hi juno!!!!!!!!) last night about something or other and i got on the topic of kel. and i thought about him.
i generally like the interpretation that he's accepted mari's death.
i know some people like to make it so that he hasn't, that he's faking a smile, but i truly believe he did. mostly because my idea of acceptance =/= never grieving. i still think kel is grieving, but he's accepted that mari's dead, and he's accepted how mari died, and maybe he's accepted that there was nothing he (a 12 year old at the time) could've done to help her (or what he thought was happening).
tl;dr: kel is complex (but not in the way most people think) and i would like to read more flawed kel please. a scrap for the desperate.
this is, obviously, a stark difference from the rest of the cast. sunny is directly in denial of her death, and in the first few days, convinces himself she's just in college. aubrey doesn't directly deny her death, but she seemingly is unable to accept that mari would kill herself - and hero moves from being unable to accept mari's death as a whole to accepting her death, and that she killed herself, but not that he couldn't have helped, and not that he isn't at fault (again, all theories)
so kel accepted mari's death. seemingly, this is where most misunderstandings come from over the game. what i want to talk about is one of the bigger ones: (apologies for the bad photo quality)
[in case you can't see - KEL: You know, MARI would be really sad to hear that...]
THIS scene right here.
this is also the scene where aubrey drops the bomb that mari is dead. The "It Means Everything" scene. one of the most iconic scenes in the game. but I never see anyone ever talking about this line of dialogue from Kel and one of his earlier ones, where he brings up how they used to be friends.
kel throwing mari's death in aubrey's face and i don't even think he meant to do it.
he truly believes that because they used to be friends, aubrey should listen to him. he truly believes, and is probably right, that mari doesn't want them to fight. but he throws her (seeming) suicide in aubrey's face in order to try and get her to see things his way, and stop bullying basil, and she lashes out, resulting in the following fight.
i see lots of interpretations where kel is knocking on sunny's door for 4 years. if that's the case, why didn't he talk to aubrey? since we have no knowledge of the 4 years, we can only assume that either 1. he did, and was rebuked (likely if he was 'too late'), or 2. he didn't, period, for whatever reason.
and the thing is, i didn't even like aubrey when i first played omori. i thought she was annoying and a bully, and i thought her "redemption" was underwhelming and rushed, and i hated it. i've gotten over it now but we are framed to see (rightfully) that aubrey is in the wrong - allowing us to ignore kel's part in this.
the game establishes aubrey as an enemy pretty quick. she fights you in her first scene, her hooligang are the obstacles for most of your tasks on the first day, she stole something from basil (someone you likely have an emotional connection to via. headspace, and sunny as our pov character has a connection to) and she's bullying him. the only other people we fight in the rw are all imaginary.
kel is our deurotagonist (secondary protag) for the real world. he's our guiding light, the rock in the shore. he must be right because we have to be right. and he generally is!
it is wrong to steal and bully from basil. and aubrey is in the wrong to attack us. but, while not an excuse, kel hurts her emotionally, and doesn't even apologize or acknowledge it - and this is likely why despite kel's seeming social prowess, it's hero (a neutral third party, who always has deescalated their arguments) who has to step in to stop their feud.
kel tries to get aubrey to see how he feels, and in doing so, says some of the most hurtful shit on the planet. so aubrey says it right back. this is the fundamental misunderstanding that separates them, even though they seemed really close, despite their arguing, as kids.
i just think kel is pretty complex, but not in the way people think he is (the earlier mentioned fake smile stuff). i think he also has his flaws, like the rest of the cast (minus mari and hero) that we miss because we're so focused on aubrey here (esp since her reaction afterwards is again, really iconic) and i wanted to share my thoughts.
also made this post because i want more flawed kel please. please give us more fucked up kel thanks xoxo
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Characters with wasted potential : shota aizawa (rant)
Look I first got into the series because of the idea of dadzawa but now i can confirm that it is just a fanon concept that people made(one that I wish was actually true). I have many problems with Aizawa's character that hori never really focuses on:
HE IS A BAD TEACHER. It is without doubt that aizawa shota is cannonically a horrible teacher who clearly favourites students like bakugo and shinso while clearly treating other students like izuku unfairly. One of the things that makes him a bad teacher is the whole expulsion thing. Something like that is very big as it completely ruins a perfect record which can ruin lives AND CREATE VILLAINS. Even his old students fear him and have a bad impression of him which doesn't help the "oh dadzawa" or "aizawa is a good teacher stuff". Shota can and will protect the students but that's it in terms of teaching his students something and taking care of them he rarely does that.
THE WAY HE INTERACTS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS. Iam talking about both sides here. He favours bakugo and goes to extreme lengths to defend him even though the public actually have a point and even nedzu states that the reason that they kidnapped Katsuki was because of his behaviour. It then makes no sense for him to keep on criticising midoriya instead of actually doing something and helping him handle OFA (he is one of the best teachers to help him with combat and his quirk) even if he doesn't know about OFA specifically he can still train and help midoriya which he never does or never offers. The only time we see him train a student it isn't even someone from HIS OWN CLASS which adds to the whole he looks like a bad teacher.
HIS BACKSTORY. Let's be honest the whole oboro and kurogiri thing had potential but it's all their just for shota and to make him a lot more sympathetic. It's literally Horikoshi's way of giving us a reason to justify shota's on paper expulsions and why he is so distant which doesn't work. His backstory had potential but was dealt with the wrong way to the point where later in the series all that shota is reduced to is the nomu oboros friend.
HIS INCONSISTENCY. Eraserheads character is very inconsistent like he goes from being this bad teacher who threatened to expel any student for coming last on a test and not showing heroic potential to him somehow forging yuuga for being the traitor and sympathising with him?!?! To me this development kind of comes out of nowhere especially when you realise that he KNEW he treated izuku badly and THEN PROCEEDED TO NOT APOLOGISE AT ALL?!!!?!?!. There are many other things inconsistent with his character like the way he treats all might and his friends like istg midnight is your friend so why you shutting present mic up for being angry and grieving midnights death?!!?!!
Honestly, I don't think Aizawa was supposed to come of as a bad teacher and a bad person but because of Horikoshi's writing it came out that way which is sad. I think horikoshi wanted him to be something similar to kento nanami (jjk) and hatake Kakashi (Naruto) but that didn't work out as seen here. You can improve this by:
Making him a good teacher. Show him reading his students files and trying to learn more about his students before meeting them which would help with his introduction scene where we see him waiting outside of the class to see how everyone is settling in. Have him use his rational deceptions but not make the consequences something huge like expulsion ( a transfer or a visit to the principles office would have the same effect). Let him acknowledge bakugos behaviour and have him call out stuff he sees. It makes no sense to me why anyone espe shota who got bullied by someone just like bakugo likes and constantly defends bakugo. HAVE HIM ACKNOWLEDGE/ LEARN MORE ABOUT HIS CLASS; he should know stuff like how secretive and closed off shoto is or how unusually aggressive bakugo is. Have him give actual concequences to his class that make sense like with mineta and bakugo they should of been dropped long ago or at least been sent to nedzus office so he can deal with them. FOR A GUY SO LOGICAL SHOTA DOESN'T SEEM TO DO ANY OF THIS!!!
Change the way we see him talk to and interacting with different characters. Iam all for having him be someone closed off but someone who still cares because that's the something that the narrative tries to do but fails at. The narrative also tries to make him as this guy who is scared to form real bonds as a trauma response to what happend with oboro but ironically he always ends up caring and trying to protect people in his own way which is an interesting plot point but fails. I would be content in keeping both of those plot ideas as a part of his character however, to do that have him not have any FAVOURITES and just slowly/unconsciously have him build bonds with the students in his class (can start to happen after the usj) and for shinso have him build a bond after shinso manages to get into the hero course. When it comes to him talking and interacting with his students keep him blunt and have him point out flaws but also give ideas and help into how to actually FIX THE FLAWS. This could lead to him trying to help izuku with his quirk situation and actually teach him quirkless combat (which is something CANON IZUKU SHOULD OF HAVE LEARNT!!!) From then we can see aizawas perception of izuku slowly change and he slowly starts to understand his student and realises the uncanny similarities they both end up sharing. When it comes to him interacting with teachers have him at the start feel like he doesn't fit in and be distant but slowly with the help of his friends present mic and midnight he starts to open up to the UA staff and we can get him develop a little rivalry with Vlad (I know a lot of people say it exists but it's quite one sided with just Vlad being competitive) Iam not saying aizawa should be extroverted and competitive but still be petty and uphold a bit of the rivalry in his own way. When it comes to his friends I think with them he should be close but also have this irrational fear of losing his friends ( actually have him realise and try to teach the dangers of heroics). With all might I feel like he should respect him as a hero and what his goal is which is to teach heroics to the younger generation ( he still doesn't know about OFA until way later ) but have him as someone who has been teaching for a longer time period give constructive criticism and sympathise a bit cos let's be honest teaching a group of overpowered kids is tough.
Have his backstory focus on him and his friends. When reading the vigilantes manga and just looking at the main manga you can clearly tell that the whole backstory of oboro and the kurogiri situation is just there for aizawa and no one else which is such a shame considering it ruins all the characters that are involved writing. Throughout the reveal, we should of focused on the whole rooftop trios reaction as a whole and not only on aizawas we should of seen them try and take comfort and confide in eachother ,we should of seen their own regrets and suffering while giving all the characters screen time to show that. Also aizawas backstory doesn't make sense considering how he goes on to favour bakugo even though he was bullied by someone like bakugo so have him actually follow his backstory and maybe as a teacher empathise more with Izuku and try and help whatever nonsense pos is on.
It's such a pity that aizawa (one of Horikoshi's favourite characters) has so much wasted potential and could of been a great teacher that tried his best to teach and protect his students but because of the inconsistencies in his character and his actions all of that just FAILS horribly.
#anti shota aizawa#mha critical#bnha critical#hori is a bad writer#horikoshi critical#mha#wasted potential#aizawa shouta#anti aizawa shota#anti aizawa
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i am a little embarrassed to talk about this openly so i am doing it anon,,, but holy shit you have no idea how much your fic means to me. last year i was diagnosed with a life-altering illness in my bone marrow, and i've lost so much since then. i used to be muscular, and love my body, and just. augh.
i've lost nearly 60 pounds to the date and all my muscle. some days my bones hurt so bad from the inside out that i feel like how you've written xie lian--pushing through every screaming fiber in my body to take just one more step forward. i can't recover fast enough. some days i feel strong and then get reminded that just vacuuming my floor leaves me a trembling, sweating mess. it's so frustrating.
you don't have to publish this but. being able to read something that feels so? accurate? so,,, i'm not sure how to describe it. i just feel seen, with the added bonus of your portrayal being written so beautifully and featuring my favorite little guys right now. i love it so much and i just wanted you to know that. not to be dramatic but your writing just. feels like home. qwq
Anon, I hope it's okay with you if I do answer this, because damn, I really want to try and give this a worthy response.
I'm so sorry that you've had to go through so much, and I hope that things get easier for you in any ways that they can. I'm not going to say I know what it's like, because everyone's experience with chronic illness, pain, and fatigue is different. I sincerely wish you the best in your recovery and ongoing management of your condition.
I'm so truly grateful that you've been able to find something cathartic in what I'm writing. Most of my fics end up as self-therapy projects, so I try to be realistic and compassionate about the topics at hand in case someone else relates to it. I know one of the big differences between this fic and real life is that Xie Lian is eventually going to make a relatively full recovery, where people with chronic conditions will usually have to manage them for the rest of their lives, so I worry that the ending might feel frustrating or like wishful thinking to some people. Most of us don't get that kind of closure. But I really hope that this story can offer some sense of relief and validation to people who are going through their own recoveries or learning how to manage chronic conditions.
I really had no idea that so many people would find the story so relatable, so I really hope that I can do a decent job of helping people feel acknowledged and that they're not alone. Maybe most importantly, I hope that I can help offer some hope to people going through this sort of thing, because things do tend to gradually become more manageable as they navigate their conditions. There is a grieving process involved with diagnoses of chronic conditions, but it is a process in the end.
I truly believe in the hope that life can still be full and fulfilling even if the illness or injury won't go away. That might sound ominous, but it's important to remember, wherever you're at.
Thank you for telling me what it means to you. I've learned that fics can have a marked impact on people's lives (my first big fic got me a wife, who is the coolest person who's ever lived; writing has helped me manage my own mental health like nothing else possibly could; I've made amazing friends and been able to share mutual support with them) so I take this seriously. I hope this makes sense and doesn't come off as patronizing (I would be the worst kind of liar if I said everything's going to be okay for everyone, and the "you're so strong and brave, I could never handle going through that" stuff makes me wanna scream) and I just. It means everything to me if I've successfully offered some comfort. Thank you.
I hope you have a really good year, anon. 💜
#anonymous#god i hope this makes sense#i hope its actually helpful or useful#and doesnt just make me sound like ive gotten a big head from the response that people have been kind enough to give me#idk i just hope this isnt annoying or too much#seriously#thank you anon#tgcf#my writing#alasr#oh look it talks
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Tamlin Week Day 3
An excerpt from ACOTAR's chapter 19 in Tamlin's POV for @tamlinweek
Prompt: Mates
Words: 770
If they had suspected it during the day, at dinner it became perfectly clear that Feyre was in a bad mood. Both Tamlin and Lucien noticed as soon as she sank into her seat, and without needing further agreement, they decided to just chat with each other, sympathetic to what she might be feeling, far from home and seemingly destined never to see it, or her family, again. Of course, this didn’t stop the High Lord from following her into the rose garden at the end of the meal. Just to check on her, he told himself, and not because she was a sight to behold, with her hair of burnished gold kissed by the moonlight that stained the red petals a deep purple and casted a silvery sheen on the white blossoms. He hoped she found her surroundings inspiring, something worth of the art she so deeply loved.
“My father had this planted for my mother,” he said, still a few steps behind, sure he wouldn’t take the huntress by surprise. She didn’t bother to turn to acknowledge him, on the contrary, she dug her nails into her palms as he halted by her side.
“It was a mating present,” he went on, trying to distract her from the guilt she was undoubtedly feeling. Deep down, she probably knew she deserved better than what she had in the mortal lands, but she was unused to have the time and money needed to pursue her vocation, so he didn’t stop her when she stalked to the nearest bush and ripped off a rose, her fingers tearing on the thorns.
“I don’t know why I feel so tremendously ashamed of myself for leaving them. Why it feels so selfish and horrible to paint. I shouldn’t feel that way, should I? I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it,” she finally rambled, words flowing out of her mouth like a swollen river. “All those years, what I did for them… And they didn’t even try to stop you from taking me.”
There it was, the giant pain that cracked her in two if she thought about it too long. Over time, Tamlin had discovered that everyone had one, no matter how old or young they were. And Feyre… she had grown up too fast not to have already stumbled upon it.
“I don’t know why I expected them to, why I believed that the puca’s illusion was real that night. I don’t know why I bother still thinking about it, or why I still care. Compared to you, to your borders and magic being weakened, I suppose my self-pity is absurd,” she added, so resignated of something so wrong.
“If it grieves you, then I don’t think it’s absurd at all,” he replied, and although he wasn’t as silver tongued as his best friend nor as well versed when emotions were concerned, he spoke with his heart, because she needed to have her feelings validated for once.
“Why?” she asked flatly, chucking the rose into the bushes.
Before the crimson droplets could stain her dress, Tamlin took her hands, his calloused fingers, strong and sturdy, as gentle as possible as he lifted her wound to his mouth and kissed her palm to heal it. She was so thin, so fragile… she shouldn’t waste the blood that flowed in her veins, not even a drop.
“Why do any of this?” she pushed, and he stepped closer, making her tip her head back to meet his eyes, exposing her long neck. He wanted to bite her, leave his mark where anyone could see it, make her his even if he had no right to call her that.
“Because your humanity fascinates me. The way you experience things, in your life span, so wildly and deeply and all at once, is entrancing. I’m drawn to it, even when I know I shouldn’t be, even when I try not to,” he lied, or maybe he just omitted the end of the sentence. He truly was enthralled, and he was probably starting to love her, but she was bound to grow old and die, a concept foreign to him; there was no way for their souls to be two halves of the same, and she couldn’t be the mate he so desperately wished for, the female who was able to understand his wants and desired without the need for an explanation.
“One day there will be answers for everything,” he concluded, anticipating her next question, before brushing his lips against her heartbreakingly warm and soft cheek. “But not until the time is right. Until it’s safe.”
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More of me running my mouth about music as inspiration except this time its just Dear Wormwood
Prelude. Prelude. PRELUDE. This is probably just a music nerd thing but its so perfect. Despite my horrible understanding of music theory, a prelude is usually the first piece of music that is meant to represent the succeeding and usually longer movements in a single work, but they could also stand alone. The Prelude to Dear Wormwood works as both. It starts out quiet before building up with just absolutely amazing wordless vocals and its just so great folks. Its a summary of the whole album in a minute and nine seconds its amazing folks
Okay Bitter Water. The first time I heard this one I thought oh, its a metaphor for alcoholism. Yes, it can be a metaphor for alcoholism, but it is also so much more. In the broader context of Dear Wormwood its an acknowledgement of how bad a relationship is and that the singer, the victim, feels like they can never escape it, but it can be so much more folks. It can be a about a love lost, with the one who lost the love pining and wasting away without their soulmate. Said soulmate could be a part of the griever themself. It can be so much. Its also a banger but thats a given for the whole album. “terrible fire of old regret is honey on my tongue” is also eternally amazing this whole thing is poetry mates
There Beneath. Calm and flowy and existential kind of but I make a lot of things existential and where were we? But also the line “I saw the morning lead a cavalcade” is bloody amazing. Its such a great and poetic way to describe the breaking dawn, the rising sun, the beginning of a new day and so many other things mates its amazing. Like a veteran adventurer recalling the times when their friends got them out of hard scrapes or something idk
In the Blue Hours of the Morning. It’s a nice waypoint, a chance to catch your breath before the next song which I will go off about but this bit is really just like its title. The time before the cavalcade, when theres still enough light to see by yet its so calm and still and not quite awake yet
Exeunt, which is. It is. Well, exactly what it says on the tin, an exeunt, which is a stage direction for when an actor goes off stage, but its also the most poetry ever. Everyone loves “Fluttering your lashes like ashes and ember” and rightfully so but everything in that song is so bloody strong. “Crocodile eyes I have seen how you hunger”???? “No I cannot trust what you say when youre grieving”????? Like its such a powerful song with all the musicians going ham on the everything and then the lyrics and then the context? Its great its just great
Caesar. A calm follow-up to the headbanger that is Exeunt, but its no less amazing. Im just drowning in symbolism for this one mates. Not only is the morning back and breaking over a palisade but also historical references!?! The backlogs of random anecdotes and stories are tickled awake by the “Look to the sky where the sign will be shown” bit so much like it aint even funny. Its a reference to Constantine the Great, who saw the symbol of the Chi Rho and went on to become roman emperor with it painted on his shields and its so much potential in just three stanzas
This Will End. Fellows this one just hurts. Its so bloody sad and yet such a strangely jaunty tune like the singer has just accepted their sad life and Im always like no! It can get better! You just gotta try a bit! Mates! Im bleeding out!
Pale White Horse. Ohhhhhhhhhh I can get so deep about Pale White Horse but so much of it is about WWI and the Spanish Flu Epidemic and other stuff I do not care to dredge from the depths of my historical brain fluids but its so great as a thing about war and trauma and abuse and so much other stuff just like recognizing someone doing something terrible and that can be either interpreted as oh thats conformation that they were always terrible or oh goodness thats not possible why no why are you like this you are not like this right and there’s no in between. And both hurt!
Where Is Your Rider. Enough metaphors to fill a graveyard (hey Crane Wives fans. Hey. Did you get it? Eh? Idk I thought it was funny) and then some but also oooooh the lines just go so hard sometimes. “But these bones never rested while living / So how can they stand to languish in repose”???????? Like mate youre dead but youre still going to push on and keep on fighting mates it hurts it hurts too much there are too many characters and situations and just stray thoughts I can peg to these two lines alone help
Soldier, Poet, King. Need I say more? Yes, I need to say more. Everyone above and below knows how bloody legendary this song is but take this as a sign to listen to it again. Its just that good. Someone once tired and broken who has found support and is coming back to finish the job they couldnt finish on their own is just oooooooooooooogh mates. Also funny ha ha DND party. Two sides of the same polyhedral dice. Probably a d100 with all the nonsense I can drag out of it at this point.
Dear Wormwood. The album namer. UGH I cannot get enough of this one. Just some of the lines in this one mates. “And in my hour of weakness / You were there to see me fail”???????? “I know who I am now / I know who I wanna be / I wanna be more than / That devil inside of me”??????????????????? Its just so perfect and so amazing and it gives you a warn hug and it punches you in the gut and it helps you up and gives you hot tea and the works mates its just so great
Danse Macabre. One last instrumental. A Danse Macabre was usually a piece of art with people dancing next to skeletons, representing the inevitability of death and the equality in the grave and so many other sad and mopey things but also its just such a fun jig. It really does feel like a bunch of spooky scary skeletons jamming on their graves. And that’s a one liner I never thought Id need to write.
Thus Always to Tyrants. Bloody hell this is the perfect ending song. The singer immediately starting off with “Let me die, let me drown, leave my bones in the ground”, proclaiming themselves free of the worries and pains they started the album with, singing as the blazing sun rises that yes, they are, if not happy now, then at least better now, and that anyone who threatens that will face the new and improved them is just ooooooogh. Mates. If theres one song you need to listen to if you somehow made it to the end of this thingie without also being obsessed with the Oh Hellos, its Thus Always to Tyrants. But please listen to the whole of Dear Wormwood first. It makes the impact so much better.
#me running my mouth#the oh hellos#dear wormwood#i just needed to get out. some. not all. of my thoughts about this bloody legendary album#im gonna do more#probably#theres so much i can say about. uh. most of the songs i listen to regularly#if theres gonna be another one then itll probably be through the deep dark valley#or maybe that one about coyote stories ive already started but that thing is more specific and also sad to read since its about sad stuff#like climate change and capitalism and such#but it will be finished eventually
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Round 2: Fight 6
Kotetsu T. Kaburagi/Barnaby Brooks Jr (Tiger & Bunny) vs James T. Kirk/Spock (Star Trek)
Propaganda under the cut!
Kotetsu T. Kaburagi/Barnaby Brooks Jr (Tiger & Bunny):
My silly little guys I don't want to rant your ear off but that dynamic can be agrued either way because they are rival to lovers 10/10 My favourite pookies
I could rant your ears off with the propaganda for Barnaby Brooks Jr. and Kotetsu T. Kaburagi from Tiger & Bunny but because tumblr asks have a character limit I'll try to keep it brief.
(Spoilers for Tiger & Bunny of course)
They're the definition of fell first x fell harder. Barnaby and Kotetsu are of the rivals to friends to lovers trope, they absolutely despised each other at first, but even when they couldn't stand each other they felt inexplicably drawn to each other.
Barnaby fell first, he was the first to feel something romantic for Kotetsu, warming up to him as soon as episode 3 (when they're deactivating a bomb and Kotetsu refuses to leave him behind on principle he smiles when Kotetsu isn't watching) but he fully acknowledges his feelings in episode 8, when Kotetsu takes a direct hit from a dangerous villain to protect Barnaby. This is seen in the post credits scene as he reminisces of the events of that day and smiles to himself alone in his apartment. When they have a fight in the climax of the first half of the season, the only way the conflict is resolved is by Kotetsu going out of his way to put his trust in Barnaby, and after the day is saved, Barnaby finally allows himself to smile in front of Kotetsu.
Kotetsu fell harder. He was in denial about his feelings for almost all of season 1; he is a widow, and through the series he is shown to not have truly grieved his wife's death, and as of season 1 he is not ready to move on and accept he could have romantic feelings for anyone after Tomoe (his wife), and he is also afraid to fall in love again and lose them too. During the second half of season 1, Barnaby is brainwashed and no longer remembers him, believing Kotetsu was the one to murder a person he was close with. Kotetsu tries everything he can think of to make Barnaby remember him, and when it doesn't work he breaks down (crying in front of another person for the first time in the show) and stops fighting back, he kneels down and lets Barnaby deliver the final blow to him...
Luckily for him, Barnaby remembers just in time! They can go back to pining hell!
But not long after (since the main conflict isn't resolved yet) Kotetsu is fatally wounded, which triggers the most fucking glass biting nail scratching absolute fucking insane Technically Not love confession in which neither of them say "I love you" but it's very clear for anyone with two functioning eyes and a couple braincells that it is indeed a declaration of love. I will link it down here so everyone else can suffer with me. https://youtu.be/CWizW_6AgQY?si=UNsyhF-yJX1bT78r
While not explicitly in a romantic relationship, the creators of the show have said the nature of their bond is "Up to interpretation", which (considering the history of the studio regarding gay relationships) sounds more to me like "Everyone here wants to make them kiss so bad but they'll cancel the show if we do"
Sorry if this was too long
(this would take up too much space so for the ver with images you can go check it out here -mod)
James T. Kirk/Spock (Star Trek):
Kirk fell first, Spock fell harder
#tournament bracket#tumblr polls#tumblr tournament#poll tournament#tournament poll#tumblr tourney#polls#fellfirst fellharder fight#usatora#barnaby x kotetsu#tiger and bunny#spirk#star trek#star trek spirk
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