Happy New Years!! Hope everyone had a fun time with the countdowns and whatnot, have some more Dead Poets fic
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Chapter 2: When I Heard the Learn'd Astronomer
Todd ran his thumb over the corner of the page in his hands, trying to smooth out the dog-ear someone else had tattooed onto it. It was a pointless endeavor, the scar ran too deep, something about the book had been irreversibly changed. He swallowed thickly, and turned the page over on the crease, closing the book over the mark.
It happened to be where he needed it anyway.
“Are you ready?” Neil held his own book in his hands, the one he brought to every meeting of the Dead Poets Society, that held the opening ceremonies he so dutifully read. It was a book filled with scars, with dog-ears and ripped out pages and annotations and underlines and words scribbled out to create entirely new works.
One time, Neil had returned to their room with a graded assignment from Keating, one with plenty of critiques and compliments scribbled on it, and they compared the handwriting with the writing in the book, trying to figure out which notes their teacher had added to Dead Poets history. Todd was pretty sure they got half of it wrong, but it was fun to imagine Keating adding the dick jokes they found in the corners of pages, or writing little stars around random words. (Todd liked to think he did the blackout poetry they found too, scratched out the old to create something new. It seemed fitting.)
“I guess,” Todd finally responded.
Neil shifted from where he was sitting on his bed. It was too dark to see what he was doing, but Todd tried anyway, watching how his silhouette twisted in the dark. Neil stepped forwards, and the moonlight from the window draped itself over his shoulders. It kissed his skin with a feathery touch, staining him silver. When Neil smiled, the moonlight seemed to spill out of his mouth and onto Todd, and he wanted to take it from him, somehow.
“Carpe diem, right?” Neil said.
Todd managed to echo some of that smile, shaky and hesitant with no moonlight shining from his teeth. “Yeah, carpe diem.”
“Come on then.”
Neil led the way, pushing their door open to a cautionary crack and peering out before slipping into the hall. He grabbed Todd’s hand as he went, effortlessly pulling him out into the hallway. Todd’s heart thumped in his chest as it always did, thrilled at the idea of being caught.
The night was quiet.
Todd had gotten almost concerningly good at sneaking out of school. It was a well-practiced skill, and although at first he made it by with shaky steps, strictly following the others' lead, he soon slipped into the routine of it all. The halls of Welton were quiet, dark, undisturbed, and they slipped through them in much the same way.
The chilled air on his face felt like a rush of freedom. It shoved open the door, nearly pulling the handle out of Todd’s hand, and he had to wrestle it shut, had to fight to seal that barrier. Neil half turned back to him, smiling softly, and Todd became aware of the fact that this was the moment they were supposed to stop holding hands. They had navigated the maze, the danger was gone, the need to stay linked was crushed under the simple emptiness that stretched out before them.
Neil squeezed his hand, and led him through the field blanketed in snow. It crunched under their feet, marked their path through the night. It was a strange reminder that Todd existed, that the two of them were not just ghosts wandering through the night. Todd squeezed back, and followed.
They clambered through the undergrowth of the forest together, hands still gently clasped. The trees towered over them, stretching out branches that acted like walls, sheltering them from the outside world. Todd and Neil slipped into the cave, and settled into the cold, dark space, only illuminated by the shaky glow of their flashlights. Neil’s hand slipped away from Todd’s, and he stuffed it in his pocket to make up for the sudden lack of warmth.
It was quieter than usual in the cave, without the usual clamor of all the poets to fill the space. There was just the muted shuffling of Neil and Todd getting settled, finding rocks to perch on around the opening in the center. No fire lit their way, but they huddled around the spot regardless, like moths perched on a burnt out lamp. Neil cleared his throat extra loud in the silence, flipping through the pages of his book more dramatically than he really needed to. Todd couldn’t help but smile at his theatrics.
“I call this extraordinarily special-” He paused just to smile at Todd. “-meeting of the Dead Poets Society to order by reading, as is customary, our opening words.” Neil cleared his throat to begin (once again over the top, once again theatrical) “I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately-”
The words were familiar enough to Todd that he found himself mouthing along, as if that was what he needed, as if letting his tongue follow the shapes of the words would be enough to dig them into his brain. To give him the ability to suck the marrow out of life
Todd kind of doubted it; he looked down at the ground while Neil spoke so he wouldn’t have to see his lips move.
“-discover that I had not lived.” Neil finished the passage with a sort of quiet, solemn air. It was rare he read the whole thing at Dead Poets Society meetings; usually he was content with the first line, if he brought out Thoreau at all. But whenever he did finish it, they always let the silence hang in the air, paying special attention to how Neil’s shoulders sagged or his voice quieted or the light flickered unsteadily in his eyes, just for a moment. He cleared his throat.
“Alright, your turn.”
Todd looked up at him, blinked in surprise. His hands were gripping the rocks on either side of him in tight claws, the moist coolness dripping up his nerves. “Right now? Just like that?” he asked warily, and the moment the words left his mouth he was aware he’d asked a stupid question. Then again, if it let him stall, Todd would take whatever mild embarrassment he wanted to hand himself.
“Are you waiting for something?” Neil pressed. “Come on, Toddy, just go for it!”
Todd swallowed thickly, gently prying his hands from the rocks beside him. They tingled with the return of blood flow, movement traveling back to stiff fingers. He grabbed his book from beside him, finding the dent of the dog-eared page and flipping it open. The poem he’d chosen was short, just a couple lines scattered on the page, but they seemed to dance in front of him the longer he stared, like meteors twirling through the sky. He smoothed out the page with a firm hand, as if that could tether the ink to the paper.
“Do you want me to look away?”
The question pulled Todd out of his anxious reverie, and he looked up at Neil, who was staring at him with a mix of curiosity and concern. Mouth suddenly dry, Todd nodded ever so slightly. “Uh, yeah. I mean.. sure.”
But Neil didn’t look away, not quite. Instead he just closed his eyes, lashes falling over his pupils like falling snow. He titled his head to one side, listening attentively. Dramatics, Todd thought affectionately. “Alright,” Neil said. “I’m ready.”
The book was heavy in Todd’s hands, but he bore its weight anyway, smoothed out the pages and ignored the writing scribbled in the margins. Then he began to read:
“When I heard the learn’d astronomer
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me,
When I was shown the charts and diagrams, to add, divide, and measure them,
When I sitting heard the astronomer where he lectured with much applause in the lecture room,
How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,
Till rising and gliding I wander’d off by myself
In the mystical, moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.”
It was quiet, for a couple moments after Todd finished the poem. Paranoia struck into his heart in an instant, the sudden thought that Neil was bored of him, that he hadn’t been listening at all, that he was taking a couple moments to even realize Todd was done.
“Can I look?”
Todd looked up, and realized that Neil was still sat across from him, eyes pressed tightly shut but barely visible through the hand clasped over them. He chanced a peak through the slots between his fingers, and it was enough for Todd to see the gentle curve of his smile as well. He cleared his throat.
“Uh, yeah, of course. That was… that was it.” That was it. God, what was he thinking, picking something like that? Just a stupid Walt Whitman poem about lecture halls that didn’t even last a full minute to read out loud. Of course Neil had stopped paying attention, Todd probably would have too if-
“I loved it.”
Todd blinked his eyes a couple times, reintroducing himself to reality with short, fluttering handshakes. “Hm?” he asked, eloquently. Neil was smiling widely, eyes open to meet Todd’s.
“The poem, I loved it, that was great!” He stood up, slightly hunched under the roof of the cave, and went to sit next to Todd. “Was that our friend Uncle Walt? Where’d you get the book?” he asked, craning his neck slightly to look over Todd’s shoulder. Neil reached over to put his hand on the edge of the paper, smoothing out the page, and his fingers brushed against Todd’s.
“Uh, yeah, it’s him. I just got it from the library, it’s in Leaves of Grass.” He’d picked it up on a whim, after trying and failing to muster up the courage needed to approach Keating to ask for poetry. It felt like something he might recommend anyway.
Neil leaned closer, pressed his shoulder against Todd’s so he could look at the poem. He mouthed the words to himself as he read, before pausing a couple lines in. ‘How soon unaccountable I became tired and sick,’ he spoke silently. “You know what this reminds me of?”
Their shoulders were still pushed together; they were so close he could feel Neil’s body heat through his layers of jackets. “Hm?” he prompted softly.
“Fucking trig.”
“... what?”
Neil leaned away from Todd so he could face him. “C’mon, doesn’t it? You have Mr. Raulken up there yammering on about sine and cosine and functions and pi and all those graphs we have to draw. It’s torture.”
Todd smiled. “It made me think of Nolan.”
“God yes!” Neil gestured excitedly with his arms, spurring Todd onwards.
“When we have to sit through those- those stupid school assemblies. Especially that one at the beginning of the year, I wanted to- to disappear.”
Neil groaned. “Ugh, that one’s always the worst. And you’ve only had to sit through it once- let me tell you it’s the same annoying bullshit every year.” He rose to his feet, turning to face Todd with such a sudden solemn air that he couldn’t help but giggle. “Oh no! There will be none of that Mr. Anderson, no joy around here.”
Todd smiled, but quieted accordingly.
“Thank you, thank you. Now, welcome to Nolan- I mean Welton Academy. I’m just standing up here to brag about how excellent of a hell hole this is. I’m looking forward to getting to despise each and every one of you, because as much as I like to pretend I’m running a school here, if you flip open your brochures you’ll actually find this is a cleverly disguised prison. Blah, blah, I have great expectations for you, etc. etc., and scene.”
Todd burst into applause as Neil finished with a bow, returning to sit next to him. “What’d you think? Can you feel the end-of-summer dread starting to kick in?”
“Oh yeah, absolutely,” Todd agreed, nodding. “You’re a good actor.”
Neil smiled softly, turned his eyes away from Todd and towards the black circle left by one of their fires. Todd watched, unsure of whether to avert his eyes, and Neil bit down on his lip, looking at the charred rock like it had anything to offer. Todd was just about to speak, when Neil pushed himself to his feet. “Come on.”
Todd looked up. “What?”
Neil smiled, offered out an extended hand that Todd took almost on instinct, not really thinking as he grabbed on and let Neil pull him to his feet. “Come on, real quick.” He didn’t let go of Todd’s hand after he was upright, just held on to pull him along. They ducked out of the cave, and into the forest.
“But- where?” Todd managed to insist, through his preoccupation with not tripping over any gnarled roots or planted rocks.
“You’ll see!”
“Neil, come on,” Todd protested weakly, through half-restrained laughter. “I’d like to know where I’m being dragged to.”
“Just somewhere we can- oo, okay. Here.” Neil had brought them to a small gap between the trees, not even a proper clearing, just somewhere they could see the sky poking through the branches. He pointed up at it, drawing Todd’s attention to the inky blackness of the night, dotted with stars.
He couldn’t really make out any of the constellations, just pinpricks of light separated from any sort of meaning. The moon must have been up there somewhere, half-full, but their tiny window into the stars didn’t offer them a view.
Todd looked over at Neil, and realized he was being watched expectantly. He cleared his throat. “It- it’s pretty.”
“Yeah,” Neil agreed, somewhat wistfully.
Their hands were still linked together; Neil had never let go and Todd wasn’t sure he knew how to. He should have felt the urge, the distant fear for what their linked hands meant, but it was nowhere to be found. Everything else felt so distant, seemed to fall away. When he looked up at the stars, and listened to what they had to say.
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