so today i was playing and opened a book and got this comment from Astarion:
and i was like oh, interesting. i wonder what the book says? so i opened it again to read it and...
There is a light in every living thing.
It's crawling t'wards the surface to survive.
And in its wake, it tramples everything.
We'll kill the rest, so that the one can thrive.
yeah, of course you liked that. isn't hard to guess why.
so i picked up the book and put it in his inventory. and saw the book is called "Evil's Ascent."
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before you know about women, you hear that you do not need to love the man, just that you need to love him through his manhood. which is to say you have seen the future painted in lamb's blood over your eyes - how your mother shoots you a look about your father's inability to cook right. how your aunt holds her wineglass and says i'm gonna kill em. men, right! how your best friend bickers with her boyfriend, how she says i can't help it. i come back to him.
you learn: men are gonna cheat. men aren't going to listen when you're talking, because you're nagging. men think emotions are stupid. they think your life is vapid and your hobbies are embarrassing. men will slam things, but that's because men are allowed to be angry. if you get loud, you're hysterical. if a man gets loud - well, men are animals, men are dogs, men can't control their hands or their eyes or their bodies. they're going to make a snide comment about you in the locker room, about your body, about how you're so fucking annoying. you're going to give him kids, and he will give you the money for the kids, and you're going to be running the house 24/7 - but he gets to relax after a long day, because his job is stressful. the man is on stage, and is a comedian, and says "women!"
and you are supposed to love that. you are supposed to love men through how horrible they are to you - because that's what women do. that's what good women do. wife material. your father even told you once - it'll make sense when you're older. it was like staring down a very lonely tunnel.
it feels like something's caught in your throat, but it's all you know, so. it's okay that you see sex as a necessary tool, a sort of okay-enough ritual to keep him happy, even though he doesn't seem to care about happiness as-applied-to you. it is relationship upkeep. it is kissing him and smiling even though he didn't brush his teeth. it is getting on your knees and looking up and holding back a sigh because he barely holds you as you panic through the night. it's not like the sex is bad and you do like feeling wanted. and besides! he's a man! like... they're another species. you'll never be able to actually communicate, right. he isn't listening.
you just don't get it. you don't feel that sense of i'm gonna climb him like a tree. mostly it just feels fucking exhausting. you play the part perfectly. you smile and nod and are "effortlessly" charming. and it's fine! it's alright! you even love him, if you're looking. you could have good life, and a good family, and perfectly happy.
in the late night you google: am i broken. you google i'm not attracted to my husband. you google i get turned on by books but not by him. you google how to get better in bed.
the first time he yells at you, it almost feels like blankness. like - of course this is happening. this is always how it was going to end up. men get angry, and they yell, and you sit there in silence.
you mention it to your friend - just the once - while you're drunk. she shrugs and says it's like that with me too, i just try to forget and move on. men are always gonna hear what they want to. pick your battles and say sorry even though he's in the wrong. you play solitaire online for a month. you go to your therapist appointment and preach about how you're both so in love.
after all, you have a future to want. nobody lied about it - how many instagram posts say marriage is hard. say real love takes work. say we fight like cats and dogs but the best part is that we always make up. how many of your friends say happy anniversary to the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. if you really loved him - loved yourself too - you'd accept that men are just different from you.
the first time she kisses you, it's on a dare at a party. something large and terrifying whips through your body. you wake up sweating from dreams where her mouth is encrusted with pearls and you pick them off one by one with your teeth. fuck. you sit at the computer and your almost-finished game of sim city. you think about your potential perfect life and your potential future family. you google am i gay quiz with your little hands shaking.
you delete each letter slowly. you don't need to love him. you just need to keep going.
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God and me going crazy January 27, 2017.
(Addendum: it took me two sittings to transcribe this one. Important to note that the day before I taped myself having “psychic sex” with psychic jakk, and that I always asked about every single decision I am had to make, but just as importantly, I always asked about the things I was told. What was super big at this time was that every time a work call came, fake Stella would claim that Blond had made him a business proposal to set me up, and I was ftfo, about how I was gonna work. To this day, i have to push myself to not default to asking the spirits about what I should do, because such a practice got set into place with letting them decide everything, which I think was one of the initial spells, getting me to hand over my autonomy.)
Is this…..? This is God.
(She starts to sob slowly).
Am I going crazy?
……
I am? (Crying turns into sniffling)
What do you mean exactly? Are you saying this is untrue information?
(Exasperated sigh) but isn’t Blond after me as I think she’s after me? So don’t I have to stop doing… Tantra? And isn’t it true that she’s going and finding my clients and offering them five thousand dollars to set me up? Is it true that jakk and I are communicating through Stella, through the pendulum?
And that somehow we’re sort of able to have sex through the pendulum.
And is it true that she’s pregnant? And that she’s going to miscarry on April 17.
That is part of her karma.
Is it true that my brother blames me for Stella‘s acci.., for Stella being dead.(upset)
Because we both were hit by cars. And because I lived, and she died.
Is Blond attacking me at night again?
Is she still raping me? Yes, because I feel the damage to my neck. Should I tell Jakk ? I didn’t say my prayers yesterday because I was beaten up by what I found out. I know I need to do it every day… And I know I need to do the cord cutting every day; should I just do it in the morning? Yes. Is there something besides The cord cutting and Psalm 91 that I should be doing? Yes. Can you put it in my head please? The 10 Commandments? And I got the psalm of psalms? Is that all? OK. And that will help? OK. So I’ll do the 10 Commandments, the psalms, how long is it? Can I just pick one everyday? On top of psalms 91? Cause it looks like there’s a lot. Add a different one every day.
You think so?
That would be perfect. So Brother is just gonna, so I shouldn’t try to reach out to Brother again. You see why I can’t Tell him about…….(mentions the thing I was told to tell him to keep him from suicide )
(Surprised) Yes?
God, how am I gonna do 12 more weeks without jack? Are you gonna give me more tools? Should I cancel my gym membership? What am I gonna do for a job? Restaurant? Should I just go walk around today?
Should I cancel my second phone number? So Tantra’s done right. I was good at it though.
But I can find a new form for it? I mean I loved it, I loved my work. You know that I loved helping people. I loved it.
I’m done with that. That’s done for me. She gets so close. Is my dad gonna call me soon?
Is he gonna admit stuff?
(Pause)
Is he gonna offer me money?
A lot of money
(Pause)
Am I gonna find a waiting tables job that I like, quickly? Or is it gonna find me?
Brooklyn?
So target Brooklyn.
On harri?
Ok
Guess I should start…should I finish my nanny resume today?
No?
Don’t even bother
Ok but ask phil if he would have time tomorrow to move the futon couch?
No?
Who am I gonna ask?
Ask sylvia’s boyfriend?
I can’t move it by myself.
Jakk can’t do it.
Kristin’s got the baby.
Oh, margaret?
I don’t have any other friends in greenpoint
Stella said im moving this in the big room for me to sleep in (I had forgotten this, that I was told to move into the big room.)
Well not until……why are you saying no? When I have a roommate.
I’m trying to figure out why you’re saying no.
You think I should keep this as a couch?
(Sighs)
(She’s not happy)
Can’t I find another couch on Craigslist?
so you’re saying if I find a couch I can move this in there
(Typing)11222
I understand that
Oh; that couch is nice (looking at Craigslist)
But we don’t have anything to move it
(Looking at couches)
Oh. Yeah, no.
Do you think we’ll find something that someone would be willing to move over here?
(Looks for a long time)
Oooh! Here! This one?
It’s kinda dirty.
It’s alright though, right?
We could get it.
Now can I ask phil to help move this is there?
Laughs
So she’s fucking certifiable. Number one, she’s on so many medications. God I know it’s 830, I have to figure out shit. Is there anything you can do about my pain? I just don’t feel like I can handle…I mean, should I quit working?
I Know you’re gonna take care of me. But like I just want to go back to sleep. And I look…(starts crying….then hyperventilating, then back to normal)
(Some of this is in a different room and can’t be heard)
What do you mean by that?
You mean that the psychic opening, and getting all the information, and Blond attacking me, and my brother blaming me, and finding out about dad, and mom not believing me, and talking to Jakk through a pendulum, and losing my way, but making money, which was feeding my soul, that the culmination of all of it, is making me go crazy.
So what do I do? (Cries again) (repeats what she’s shown:) “Believe. “
(Exhales)
And put a picture of Jakk in a frame too, huh.”
(End tape.)
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