#first job after graduation
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The Morning of Day 5
I ended up taking some of my sleep medicine and got some good sleep last night. I woke up a little before 8, and now it’s after 9.
I got a call from the big pharma company. They offered me the job as a lab tech. I said yes. Since finding out, I’ve been having a lot of different overwhelming emotions.
They didn’t say anything about a drug test yet, but I know it’s coming. So now I have to stay super dedicated and not take any kratom extract for the next few weeks.
It’s hard to believe that it’s only day 5.
#special interest#kratom extract#kratom#actually autistic#drug blog#infodump#info dump#autistic adult#lab technician#drug test#biotech#biotechnology#big pharma#girls who like drugs#new job#first job after graduation#surprise
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harried community college professor davey and night class single father student jack. is that something.
#jack waiting until graduation day to make a move bc he thinks (correctly) that davey will reject him if he's a student#jack is like. three years older than davey. this is davey's first job after graduating undergrad he's working on his doctorate#he teaches some form of english and jack is like hey sorry I'm so bad at this it just Really isn't my subject#he goes to office hours once a week (when his schedule permits it) and davey is like yeah you are struggling ngl. but we'll get through thi#anyway. it is something but will it ever be more than this post?#only if people enable me :)#newsies#jack kelly#davey jacobs#javid
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College of Belas Artes using AI designs in advertisement for their courses, hm interesting, eat acid please
#shut up may#entire art world mutually understands this tech is not being used as a tool but to exploit and leave artists jobless#so yeah anyway one of the biggest academic institutions for art in Brazil uses it for their own promo anyway#bcs god forbid they hire any of the artists they graduate to make important social media advertisement right /s#the advertisement that announces open matriculations for the year therefore first inpressions of their institution as a whole#they graduate their students bcs they're paying for classes but offering job opportunities is suddenly not their responsibility anymore ig#whoever the fuck is the head of these decisions is so utterly out of touch with the art market like how do you still have a job#idk if I expect any uproar because this is Brazil after all and it's cultural how much we undermine art in general 🧍i hate it here#hope all ai bros go to hell this is not an exaggeration
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I am rewatching daredevil S1 and here I am in my room daydreaming(again) to have the same apartment as Matt....
#like i am pausing the episodes and move in circles while daydreaming...(maladaptive daydreaming goes brrrr)#i am so obsessed with it...#his apartment is one of the main reason i got..bsessed with the show back then i remember watching the show the first time and i was like..#the room give me the same vibe and tone like the song 'after dark' it's so moody...#matt murdock#daredevil#Daredevil Season 1#marvel#marvel netflix#charlie Cox#idk how to tag stuff#but i am so poor...i couldn't afford to move out(lmao) gonna have to be happy with living in my granny's house till i graduated and get an#actual job...
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severely tempted to use the money i saved for testosterone for a tattoo instead. going to sound strange but that would be more gender affirming than hrt right now.. many thoughts to think about this .
#txt#probably never gonna see the artist i got my 1st tattoo from ever again after i graduate. hence why i wanna prioritize the tattoo :>#plus i can't start testosterone until after i start my job and get paid anyways. that'll be two weeks after may 20#btw the tattoo is a cicada clinging to my leg in black n white. wanted this 2nd tat ever since i got my first one in may last year. ee#it has a ton of personal meaning to me and also in my mind tattoos help me feel a lot more masculine/like my body is my own in my control
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Tainted City fans I swear I haven't forgotten you,,, I'm workin on it,,,
#i swear i'm still writing mirrored walls#the first chapter is actually done i'm just waiting on my partner to beta read it and then i'll probably post#it was just a long chapter and i havent had as much time to write#all my final project are due rn and then right after graduation im driving across the country and starting a job#i do intend to get some writing done in the car tho#i hate leaving things unfinished i must actually write this fic
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Hey guess what. In 16 days I'm gonna be getting on a plane and flying to [country redacted] and sitting on a beach with my pals for a couple days.
#tho i did look up the temperature there yesterday and it was 29 C with like 85% humidity#which will be a bit of a shock to the system after winter in northern europe#obviously im happy and excited about this#but also im trying to wrap my head around uprooting my entire life again and saying a bunch of goodbyes and losing all my hard won routines#and then going home in like 6 weeks and having to figure out like. the rest of my life. cuz im graduating from my (first) bachelor's degree#at least i know absolutely for sure as of today that i have a job for the summer? so that's something.
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i simply think peter and mj are t4t
#spider-man#peter parker#mj watson#mary jane watson#my art#the face it tiger bit happens when peter first sees mj#after she’s graduated and transitioned and aunt may convinces her to go to senior prom with him#she turns up at the parkers’ door like ‘’hey tiger’’ (nickname she called him when they were briefly Bros)#and he goes red in the face with a goofy grin and an exaggerated thought bubble says ‘’JACKPOT!!!!’’#they don’t start dating for a few years after bc mj gets a modelling job in LA and moves away for a while#meantime gwen and black suit stuff happens and she comes back to help him with withdrawals when he ditches the symbiote#by 30-31 they’re engaged and planning their wedding while peter mentors miles
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#this may not mean much to those who haven't followed me for long#but for my long term followers I thought I'd share a super positive update about my oldest 17 yo son#you may remember that for years he's suffered immensely from anxiety depression and panic attacks#he's since been diagnosed with autism which explains a lot of it (as has my daughter)#but it was so bad we had to take him out of school in 7th grade and it's still questionable whether he'll graduate#he's spent 5 years having almost no social contact other than online & hasn't been able to participate in anything but family events#because of anxiety and panic attacks#but y'all#Y'ALL#he just started his FIRST JOB#we worked with voc rehab & they got him a job at a thrift store run by parents of an autistic child so they know exactly what pace he needs#and he WAS ABLE TO DO IT#you have NO IDEA how amazing this is for him#and how much of a relief it is for me#because this means he's doing better#and he may actually find his way out of this and be able to build himself a bit of a future#it's amazing you just don't know how amazing it is after the last five years of struggles we've been through#so sorry that was a novel but I'm just so proud of him#he has it in him I know that he does#he just needed a break from life for a few years to find that bit of strength
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fuuuuuck ive dug myself such a massive hole and there's no climbing out now
#he speaks#love lying to my parents about how my uni career is going#cause i know they would cut me off from EVERYTHING i care about if they find out im failing anything#so just softening the blow by being like hey im barely passing#(which was still a DIFFICULT convo)#and saying oh im struggling heaps keeping up with readings and assignment deadlines so im just doing the bare minimum cause im exhausted#cause adhd#and them wanting to be super helpful and being like oh give me a list of your assignments and their due dates and your readings#and ill read the stuff and look at your assignments#cause you said you were doing summer semester to catch up on your classes from the trip#but in reality youre not you just said that so your parents would let you go#but now youre gonna have to do assignments over the summer break (aka for the next 4 weeks) and then be stressed about getting set up#and now youre so far in that you have an elaborate plan that you've “talked to the academic advisors” about your struggles and your adhd do#and both said you should go part time#so that it looks like youre graduating “on time”#but in reality youre just catching up on the courses you failed#and still struggling and hating full time#i stg if there were ANY other way to get the qualifications i need for this job#i would have left uni after first semester#i actually fuckin hate it#sorry for the rant lmao#kinda a vent post
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,,,i miss Her (the ocean)
#eliot posts#i live in a landlocked state and can't really afford to travel#but when i was a teen me and my sis would get sent off to spend a couple weeks w our cousins by the beach#(while our parents stayed home and kept working but enjoyed childlessness lol)#but a mix of adulthood and covid and my aunt passing away means that hasn't happened the past couple years#i miss my aunt as well she was a sweetie pie but that's not a quirky text post you know#my grandparents are taking me on a cruise later this summer though!#i'm excited but a bit nervous bc i've never been on a cruise before#but i do love boats so yay#idk how much i'll enjoy the Activities involved w being on a cruise and i think i may dislike the crowds#(also the pollution put out by the cruise industry oofa doofa)#but i'm excited to have this bew experience at least once in my life#first i gotta clean my apartment and find a petsitter and prolly get more covid shots and pack my bags. bleh.#oh also! i'm hoping to move to savannah georgia after i graduate!#fingers crossed that all works out#but it seems like a near perfect city for my personal needs#just gotta find a job and apartment there after graduating#also. gotta graduate lol
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Kinda funny how I actually enjoyed cataloging when I was working in a library, but now that I'm taking a class on cataloging my brain has started shutting down at the very mention of the word ...
#I am sure all this information would be SUPER helpful if it was applicable to real life#but learning it in an academic setting makes my eyes glaze and my mind wander#because I have no context to set any of it in#I have concluded after five semesters that the American insistence on degrees to work in a library is RUBBISH#what we really need is a whole bunch of training seminars for library workers to help them do their specific jobs better#which is what I was getting when I was working at the academic library in england#but admittedly that was cambridge which had amazing resources available for library training#anyway#have I mentioned I'm glad I'm graduating in december with an associates rather than sticking it out for three more years for a bachelors?#because so far going to school for library science has almost killed my love for library work#and that is so not what I was going for#so#associates degree in liberal studies with a focus in library science it is#and the bachelors can wait until my kids are graduated from high school#and I have a clearer picture of if I even want to pursue this path or if I'm going back to my first love of writing books for a living#which has its own pitfalls but these tags are already ridiculous so I'm stopping now
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fail, girl!
5:49 p.m. Friday, on a straw mat, with peel-off lipstick on
When we were in a journalism competition, a newspaper columnist came and held a small workshop for us small budding high school students. She was one of those old-Martial Law era types, the ones who got the grit and experience necessary to survive being a journalist here in the Philippines, a dragon with callused wings swanning into a place full of ickle baby lizards with fresh bits of slick membrane still clinging to our scaly lids.
She asked who among those of us competing for the copyreading category in the room wanted to become a journalist. I was the only one who tentatively raised a hand.
She was confused, and a bit disappointed that none of these little reptiles who managed to clear the first two rounds of the competitions wanted to pursue fact-checking and editing and newswriting in totality. I thought she was just reacting as an animal bred for her field- her life was words, and she couldn't fathom anyone else trying so hard to succeed in a field they weren't going to nurture and continue in any way.
At least, that's what I thought she thought then. Now I know she was probably just confused. No other deeper meaning to it.
Like I am right now. I have not been a law student in two to three weeks, just simply going to events and covering them and interviewing clients and transcribing quotes and attempting and failing to write the articles I need to write from them.
I feel impotent and stupid and just plain useless. Those kids who didn't raise their hands... they were smart. They were onto something. They knew that this wasn't a field to pursue if you wanted to be successful in the long term. These smart kids, achievers and top ten placers in their school with their latinate appellations a soft launch for their three-to-four letter profession markers in their certificates.
They were just there because the journalism competition held a lot of points in class and school rankings, not because asking people and getting answers and writing those down and spreading them out was fun and nice to do. They were smart, playing the game like that. I just played with whatever they gave me and never thought to do anything that required higher thinking skills with it.
They gave me a pencil, then a pen, pointed me to people and events and ideas- and I wrote. I didn't think anything beyond that.
Now I type, heavily and with such excess. I don't like what I type, and I think I hate typing...even writing this update is very tiring for me. I don't like it anymore. I don't like the updates getting from my bosses and coworkers, I don't like being jealous and envious of my coworkers having their ducks in their row and effortlessly slaying this industry I thought I was a good fit for. I don't like working for people who use money to do fucking shit in my place, I don't like platforming [type of company redacted for anonymity purposes] on our articles, and I fucking hate talking to people in a large crowd.
A few days ago I met a journalist who never asked questions (fully online desk reporter, though she worked in local print media like I did) and was more anxious than me and I felt a kinship with her and she was nice. Until I saw a friend of mine during the same event, and she congratulated me for getting into law school, and that my cousin from my father's side who failed the bar exam thrice but was married to an attorney he met in law school was surprised that I was still there and why I haven't quit the silly little news writing thing I was doing. And this journalist congratulated me for doing such a good job. I felt like a fraud, like I have inadvertently put her under the same illusion I somehow cast over everyone else- the spell of "oooh look at her she is a competent person who has her ducks in a row".
She has expectations of me that I don't know how to meet!
And I was stressed but I wasn't as stressed as my friends who were also working in offices with solid hours and good career prospects and great work-life-school balance and they had three midterm exams back-to-back.
You know what I did with those same hours? Nothing. Just daydreaming and sleeping thinking about fictional characters being loved and nothing else and I have put off so much. The gig I took, the articles I am three to four days late in passing, the fucking law school!
Killing myself isn't even going to cut it anymore, the phrase has been slicing over so many thoughts in my head for nine months now that the edge of it has dulled and it can't pierce through the brain fog right now.
I want to have my cake and eat it too, like the greedy Jupiter-Venus person that I am (but the Mercury-ruled detriment of both these planets is literally knowing that this isn't practical or realistic or rooted in explainable and measurable actions). So yeah... we go fucking on? I don't know. I don't have much faith in myself any more.
Do I learn how to say no? Or how to stop saying yes?
(30) 6:34 p.m.
#t#aarrrghghghg i was wondering why i havent had a selfie in a while then my mom took a picture of me#and i just remembered why people don't react to me the way i expect them to- and it's because i have a different picture of what i look lik#than what they see#and although that photo was physical (i saw myself as a plump old grandma type with graceful shoulders#but was in reality a glob with scraggly hair and a side profile where my thyroid is wider than my jawline)#it reminded me also that people's perception of me as someone who got into law school#while working a fulltime job where i get to go to major events in the city#while also passing the board exam first try merely three months after graduating#like they see me as this unstoppable force that may be quiet and doesn't shine but does shit so well that it dazzles everybody#meanwhile i have been lying on a bed of nails of anxiety and pressure because im not performing well in any sphere of my life#i can still take care of my personal hygiene and food but that's about it. who the fuck am i is no one#just a lazy fucking no one who hasn't proved anything yet and i want to kill myself! except i think id fail even in that
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what do u meannnnnnn i'm abt to be post college graduation 🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️🧍🏻♀️
#apparnelty some family friends coming to my graudation#bc ig i'm the first in the generation to graduate or whatever the fuck#and like whatever that's fine but ffs i wish they would've come to my show instead#that i co directed and literally love sos o so oso sosososoososooo much#so so so proud of that#i don't give a shit abt my graduation tbh lmfao TT#so it lowkey doesn't mean much to me that they want to come to my graduation ;-;#it would've meant so fucking much if i knew they would be able to come#and want to see that and i could like suggest hey instead come see this show LMAO#like it probably wouldn't have happened but whatever#also just like i have like no motivation and no interest in stats at this point lmfao#ALSO bc these ppl all gonna be fucking talking abotu and asking abt what i'm doing after#I DON'T KNOWWWWW what i'm fucking doingggggggg#i alr get enough talk from my mom abt how i'm not applying to enough jobs#i dont need family friends to also be asking me and my answer just being ha idk#i'm fucking staying at college tho like on campus bc i'm a fucking loser and don't want to move on#like not rly. i'm kinda trying to see it as like#the alternative would've been me at home being a loser lol#and that would've been so annoying and even if this isn't the 'right' thing to do or most traditional#at least i'm choosing to do it ig#and i get to stay in this club w my bestestestestest friends for another yr#idc if i'm like not moving on when i should LOL too bad for me that's a future problem#and also kinda figure out this weird right after college time period w my friend who i'm rooming with#ok. slay that was. acool turnaround from me lmfao just . yeah ok that's the positive side ig lmao#anyway i also dont give a shit about graduation bc i hate my university rn lmfao :) and the world is burning down#jeanne talks#i am . procrastinating#imagine knowing what the fuck i learned in this class this whole semester#ugh literally two group projects to end on and two of the most boring annoying group project experiences i've had LMAO
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#like ik i just started in january so it hasnt been THAT long but damn. will i ever get a call back from these job applications HDJJDJDJDJDJD#two of them did just close wed n fri of last week so like i can still have hope#????#those were the two ive been most qualified for so far.#idk idk. im just gonna have to hang in there#the ppl ik who graduated with me and have jobs... all except one stayed with their coops#the one that didnt had been applying for awhile. like during the whole last semester#hhhh i just have to be patient djdjdjdjjd#one of my other friends is in the same boat as me. but she started even later bc she went to see her family that she hadnt seen in#a really long time. i dont blame her at all. thatd be the first thing i did too after graduating dbndndndnndndn#ya.... need to remain hopeful. just gotta keep trying#personal#im grateful too that positions are kind of opening all the time and at all sorts of comapnies#i didnt have that amount of options n freedom in my last career so its really nice.... tho much more corporate#tho i guess it depends on the company....... idk. i hope i can get a good job. feel like ive had enough shitty jobs in my life#i want better for myself.....
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going insane fantasizing about chopping all my hair off alone in my bathroom
#I would just straight up do it. but unfortunately I have a very boring customer service job with appearance standards#and if I fuck up my hair I *know* I will get looks for it#I wanna go short but I'm struggling to find reference for or articulate what I want#I just wanna hack at it 'til it looks right :(#lmao maybe I'll just hack at it 'til it looks about right and then go to a pro place after to have them make it even#for the first time since graduation I kinda wish I was back in college again#just bc if I were still a student I could go crazy go stupid with my hair and nobody would care.#anyway in truth I'm only like 70 vs 30 on cutting it#I've had long hair for a long time and I like it in some ways#but lately I've just had this deep 'I gotta get butcher' feeling deep in my gut#we're gonna pretend that my gender feelings have nothing to do with what I've been reading lately#invasion of the frogs
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