Vent.

Its. Not been a great night. I was healed. I was. And a little while ago, i reversed that, and now again and i am. Trying so hard to feel better now. Its over, right? I stopped. I stopped... past tense. Maybe i started again too. Maybe again the night felt terrible, and worse and bad. And maybe it wont even matter, because does it really? And maybe ill feel better and scars will fade and my old scabs will close, finally. After being away from the bugs. Finally. But the cortisol will still flow. And ill remember tonight. And the other night. And when i was 12 and 17 and 19 and 21 and 23. Maybe it cant get better right now. Maybe i cant get better. Maybe ill keep going back to trauma, and ill do this night again. Ill pick back up the push pin. Again. AgAin.

why are you so rude to ares i do not understand your beef with them. they’re not even messing with your business. Their blog is supposed to be their safe place where they discuss their thoughts and vent frustrations regarding their favs. why must you be so harsh on who they ship and whatnot. it’s not that deep

as i've said before, it's not really (or at least, primarily) about the ship. my own personal distaste aside, fandom by and large does not care about the fighting over it so my stance here is to block accounts i find that engage in it without interacting with them at all. if they had been upfront about it from the start that is what i would have done, like i have done with other blogs prior to this.

its about the fact that they intentionally positioned themselves as someone who was not into it to get close to people who were very clearly uncomfortable with it, including children, when that wasnt true. if expressing that this is not acceptable behavior is rude then what does that make their own behavior? or the fact that they disrespected Indian Hindus who were uncomfortable with their behavior shipping other characters, portraying it as a simple 'disagreement over interpretation'? (the nature of fgo aside, it isnt appropriate to talk like that to someone from the actual religion like that if they're trying to tell you that you're making them uncomfortable)

If simply pointing out that lying about a very controversial subject they engage in to interact with people who dont like it is an inappropriate thing to do, then what does that make them? or is it ok that they decided to do that instead of finding a group of their peers? is it ok that theyre now posting asks saying that the person being sent death and rape threats for mentioning it on twitter is lying, or that being given evidence of what they did constitutes stalking on the end of the person who was given the evidence, or any of the various other things theyve been saying in an attempt to twist the people who were uncomfortable with their lie as enabling victims when we were very clearly only talking to our friend group about something that bothered us? is all of that ok?

i've gone out of my way not to name them despite their attitude because i know how people get about this, which isnt a service theyve shown me or others. you are not the victim because people you had talked to found out you were lying about writing nsfw incest fic and told their friends.

I am doing my best to be polite here despite everything, and im sorry if its not coming across that way, but i truly do not know what people expect of me. at the end of the day i am still a person and i don't like finding out i was lied to about something i was very clear was a boundary. it doesnt help that they were incredibly aggressive to me prior to this about unrelated matters when i'd been as clear as i could i was willing to listen to their concerns about that if they approached me, so i really dont know what else i could do. i do my best to treat other people with respect online but if you're going to interact in a public space i frequent, get angry when i respond to public posts, claim you dont do something when you do, and then say that you're the victim when people find out (after theyre already blocked, bc someone else told them) im not sure what to say except that that's wholly unnecessary.

01/15/2023 - a list of reasons that jack and carolinas relationship absolutely does not work

-they arent friends.

-they never just sit and have a conversation. its always either sex or silence with them. theyre either laying on each other asleep or fucking, they dont bond and they never have

-they dont know each other (she has a list of everything about him that she should know after just spending a little bit of time with him, and she has to ask me for help picking out his gifts bc i (by her own admittance) know him better than her)

-the gifts that they get each other are so telling of how little they know/care about each other. he gets her stuffed animals and jewelry that he has to be told she would like by her "friends". she gets him copies of stuff ive already bought him/us so its already been test ran (chains, rings, shoes). they clearly dont know each others likes and dislikes which is like relationship 101

-they never solve their issues, they either ignore them until they go away or they fuck it out and then ignore them until they go away, and they both fully acknowledge that this is something that they do but they dont ever try to fix it

-shes an idiot, and hes very much not an idiot, so they cant relate to each other on anything. she literally almost didnt graduate bc she failed math so many times and hes going to school to study theoretical physics. and he refuses to acknowledge how dumb she is past a joke so they can never have a real conversation about anything of interest, especially anything hes interested in, and its all superficial nonsense

-her family refuses to include him properly (they wont speak english around him), and she refuses to speak up about this so he never wants to do anything involving her family. he complains about it endlessly but doesnt have enough self respect to tell her to straighten them out

-shes delusional and clearly thinks that theyre gonna get married even though theyre a shit couple and literally everyone thinks so, but he clearly thinks that shes just having fun when she says that shit so theyre not at all on the same page relationship wise

-shes a fucking bitch and thinks its cute. (eg. telling maddie how much prom tickets cost after i said over and over again not to and when i told her that that wasnt cute she just smiled and pretended that she hadnt heard me (and when i looked at jack and said "i hate your girlfriend" he said "me too" so.. that seems not great for them)) -

-she does those stupid fucking "death glare" eyes that she thinks are intimidating-even though she just looks like a moron when she does it-towards any girl woman that looks in the general direction of jack despite the fact that they very much do not want him. like.. she clearly does not do well with the fucking "oPeN reLaTiONsHiP" and just lies to him about liking it bc she wants to keep him but hes too stupid to realize that hes being lied to and hes too stupid to realize that hes too stupid to realize that hes being lied to so he wont listen to people that tell him whats actually going on.

-i have never, not even one time, seen him have some sort of relationship with someone other than carolina that didnt end in a fight between the two of them. she always throws a fit about how hes leaving her and shes not enough for him and hes forced to feel guilty about something that is fundamentally okay within the bounds of their relationship and has to comfort her about it even though he did nothing wrong. thats classic psychological abuse but he doesnt care bc he refuses to even consider that carolinas not happy because that would mean that hes doing something wrong and god knows thats just impossible

-they dont acknowledge or respect each others boundaries. he doesnt acknowledge her dislike of the relationship dynamic and therefore cannot respect it. she kept roping people (meghan and company) into his life again and continued to do so after he explicitly told her that he was uncomfortable with it and that he didnt want to be around her. they keep forcing each other into horrible situations because they cannot grasp that their boundaries are not compatible with each other

hi, a long time follower on rnortal here,i just got back from a very long hiatus and i wanted to catch up! ive read ur about section and im just really curious about ur current life since back when i was still following you a few years back you still identified as a bi, had a boyfriend with a (i assume) very heavy ddlg kink. (you had rules etc.) do you regret having that experience with him? are u anti-ddlg now? i hope you dont mind me asking, im just very curious /a fellow noncis nonhet dude

damn thats a long hiatus,,, i couldnt have been older than 17 based on what youve mentioned so at this point what ur referring to was like 6 years ago minimum!! but ill go into the stuff u mentioned 

during my teen years i was very lost to say the least, i could not make sense of my feelings, what had happened to me, and what i was going thru. it was like i was living this years-long nightmare where i was dissociated and hopeless consistently. at this point, most of it is a blur, like my life from 14 up until late 17 is mostly just a series of disturbing flashbacks to me. that boyfriend ur referring to was Obsessed with me like. he was into me ever since i was 11 and everyone in school knew it. i wasn’t interested and thought he was gross and annoying, and that continued to be the case until i was 14. months into being 14, i had gotten raped and that just changed my whole approach to everything. i felt like saying no to anyone made no sense anymore, bc my worth and dignity had already been taken away from me and my boundaries wont be respected and are meaningless so i might as well just say yes. after word had spread of what happened to me around school, most people turned against me and there was like, a handful of people who were still by my side. one of them was the not-yet boyfriend. people around me would also repeatedly tell me “if you don’t date him, you’re going to be making the biggest mistake, no one will love you like he does!” so like all those things coupled up together.. i just went with it basically. even though i did tell him repeatedly i didnt want to be with him, he was persistent and i had it in my head that if i said no itd be 1. pointless bc id be forced into it somehow 2. a mistake and lost opportunity and 3. saying no to the only person who will ever love me. so i just.. gave in? anyways during that relationship, i was pretty deep into self-harming, and he had a weird thing for that. he eventually confessed to me that hes sexually aroused by my age regressing (a symptom of my trauma i had no understanding of nor was i conscious to it). i just went along with it really.  

when i was about 15, there was this girl i had strong feelings for which i did not understand at all, before then i hadn’t really been conscious of my feelings? so i texted my then-boyfriend (same guy as previously mentioned, it was a long distance relationship for most of that relationship and at the point im talking about rn) and was like wow theres this new girl in my class and i feel this strong connection to her and just want to be around her etc, and i told him i have no idea what those feelings mean or how to explain them and his stupid ass said “now you understand how i feel about you” (bc i couldnt for the life of me comprehend attraction basically and kept asking him how being into someone felt). so then i was like huh and thats when i started to think, ok i must be bi bc obviously i cant possibly not be into men but im definitely into women. so i stuck with that up until i was 17. from the age of 17 tho, i started to question it bc i realised i just.. didnt find men attractive, and i felt like i owed the then-boyfriend a lot bc he stuck by me during the time i was raped but i still found him repulsive and didnt want to be with him. i came to a conclusion at 18 and told him multiple times and tried to end it multiple times but he refused to let it end the same way he refused to not be in a relationship w me but this time i knew i just couldnt stick around as i was conscious of my feelings and was tired of living a lie.

SO now to answer ur questions, i do regret a lot of it yeah and i wish i could just rewrite or erase that entire section of my life bc it was the worst part of my life and years later it still makes me feel sick to my stomach. i would do things and agree to things, and itd cause me so much pain and misery and worsen my suicidal behaviour and self harm, and id just... do it again. the people in my life knew there was something off and i wasnt happy but nothing anyone said could change my mind.

 i was anti-ddlg before i turned 18,, but he was also often on my blog so i mostly just stayed quiet on that until i was 18. i think ddlg is pretty pedophilic in a lot of ways, its often men acting out their pedophilic fantasies on women who are often traumatised and disturbed. and i think a huge portion of the ‘daddy doms’ are pedophiles, including the one i was involved with. so yes i am anti-ddlg. 

theres a lot i didnt go into here but i didnt wanna write like an entire thesis on this but. yeah those werent good years of my life and i wish i had help or guidance. i wish i just never got raped bc it led to one harmful thing after another for me and i feel like i couldve avoided all of that otherwise. the initial trauma i was subjected to made me weak and i had no hope so i just went along w whatever and it only fucked me up more. ive grown & changed a lot since then and even tho i still struggle today im no longer in the pain i was back then

Tired is when you're sick of life, or feel weighed down by the stuff around you. Sleepy is when you want to go to bed. That's how me and my friend do it, anyhow. At this point, I'm fucking exhausted to the point where I feel too tired to let it out but im gonna anyways. There's bits in here that I can't tell my friend, or anyone, so i'm hoping bc this is anonymous i can let it out. Right, intro done lol. Onto the story. Last night, i have no idea what time, maybe five or six, (all i know is this

thing ended at 7pm), my mom storms out of the room and comes back holding a bottle of water and her bag. She proceeds to tell my dad she found the bottle at the bottom of my bed, (basically im not supposed to have anything at the bottom of my bead bc asian tradition believes that youre on top of it and thats dirty or whatever). Then she pulls out my school photo, puts it on the table and tells my dad to look at it. Starts ranting about how I never listen, i look horrible, worst photo i've ever taken. 

Basically, I go to a private school, and they think I should look good, and then they spent some time lecturing me about how i was supposed to look right when i was in the school, I look like a boy, i act like a boy, my hair's a mop, I look like a hooligan. Start talking about when i dress to go to school, how my shoes aren't polished and one of them has laces that show the white inner. How my hair's messy at the back, if i saw someone in jeans and someone in a suit in the street, who would i think was respectful? They told me they shouldn't have let me into the school, they loved me too much, that's why, they should have let me go to this public school that has a reputation for being a mess, that i belong there, waste of money, they regret letting me go here, thought i was a respectable girl. 

Dad asked me again, who wouldd i think was respectful, the jeans or the suit, and I told him I don't know. We'll get to that later, but at that moment he sneered and snorted and looked at my mom. 'says she doesnt know' he jeers. I'd meant it as in 'i have no idea, please help me'. He took it as 'she doesn't know, and doesn't give a fuck'. I don't know how to look proper. they never taught me. they tell me that something looks good so i wear it. mom still buys my clothes for me. I have no fucking clue what looks proper and what doesn't. 

Anyways, somehow they moved onto uni, and my current work, and how I pull all-nighters and how dad thought i was smart but nopw he has no hope, how he sees me get up in the morning and know i'm going to fail the assessment, how i get distracted, how i take too long to shower, how i never learn, how i never help them around the house, they do everything for me and if he was in my shoes then he would work until 'smoke came out' (vietnamese saying), how he would be so grateful but i'm not and they're going to leave me (which is a normal threat for them lol) and how they're going to die (another normal threat, dad has a lifelong illness and mom has been struggling with leukaemia for years) and they're not going to pay for uni if i get a stupid degree, only if i get a good degree like they want which will actually help me (law), if i want to become an engineer (something im considering) then i can pay for it myself, then again it's not like i'm even going to get into uni, when they look at me, they have to think of the girl i was when i was five because if they think about me now they feel sad, they won't look at me because I make them sad, they had so much hope for me, now down the drain, no, down to the sewers, look at my cousins going out, one of them had piercings and infections and almost got tattoos and is a nurse in a prison with a husband who stressed her out so much she passed out at work, do i want that, that's what i will get if i dont work, basd job, assisstants have to buy pads for their bosses, horrible child, this will end one of two ways, one i listen to them and come back years later to thank them or i'll look up at the stars and wish that i'd listened to them and they regret having me and caring for me, if only they'd been better parents, they'd been too lenient, but i don't care do i because if i cared it'd show in my working to please them and i haven't done that so that means i don;t care about them.

Dad told me it was too late to change, then switches to tell me it's not too late, they ramble on about my internet use, (i have to ask them for internet) and i'm not acutlalyu doping work on it, i'm just fucking around, they kjnow, they know, i can lie all i want nbut it's true. Horrible child, they'll die, they'll die, That's the end of the conversation, we're not going to talk about it anymore. No, stop talking. I'm going to tell you this until i die. I'm going to keep saying it, beccause it's better that i say it and you not listen than i dont say it and regret not saying it. (okay, i can;t currently remember anything else of what they said lol.). By the way, you wanna know abt

[asks didn’t arrive and I asked for the last bit again]

ok lets hope to god this sends then. i think i know where i was up to - 'do you want to know about what was wrong with the photo' i think was meant to be that. anyways, yeah. guess what was wrong with it. i had a fucking splinge. like my hair was parted and a bit of the part was split. that's all i can see that's wrong with it. maybe my hair looked oily? idk but that's all i noticed. also said something after that about do u remember when dad asked me abt who did i think looked better the suit.

also can i add something i just remembered which is that one of them put folders on my shelf and mom told me she knew i put them there to hide what i was looking at on my laptop from her when i??? didnt??? put them??? there??? in the first place???? (the layout of my room allows the folders to block the view of someone from the door basically) i put new folders there after i think my dad put them there but i didnt originally put them there??? sorry it was a full ask rant and i have no idea what the freak i typed and what i didnt lol. but u get the gist i think. big fat lecture.

i am tired. my eyes were puffy and there was like this pool of snot floating on top of this pool of tears if you did get the ask sorry u had to read that twice. :(. i mean even tho u didnt see it i was able to let it all out. not sure if it made me feel better about anything but being able to do it at all is rlly nice. Thank you for that.

-----

No wonder you’re tired, nonnie... I’m really glad you could get all of this off your chest, and really sorry that you have to hear those awful things about yourself coming from your parents.

I’m a white European, so I don’t share many of your experiences and I don’t know how it is to live in a Vietnamese family, but I hope it’s okay to compare it a little bit with my experiences in my (very Christian) family--if not, you can absolutely skip the next paragraph! 

I have had a bunch of conversations with my therapist about traditions, religion, and misogyny, because since I cut my mother off, my grandfather has lectured me many times about how I am a bad daughter for looking out for myself and putting my life first instead of being devoted to my mother’s wants and needs. He told me that she’s sick and I’m horrible for not caring about that and abandoning her, and that if she doesn’t love me, I just have to work harder until I "crack her walls”. (As if I haven’t tried already, and as if she didn’t use her very mental illness as an excuse to abuse me). My therapist basically told me that sometimes, being the Disney villain in some people’s stories means you’re doing something right, because their vision of what’s right and what’s wrong (especially when it comes to daughters and women in general) is designed to hurt you, to make you put your family before yourself. That it’s never wrong to put yourself and your needs first, and that kids don’t owe their parents anything just because the parents brought them into this world--that was the parents’ choice, not the kid’s, and therefore it’s the parents’ responsibility to care for their kid, whoever that kid turns out to be; and not the kid’s responsibility to be the model child that the parents had in mind or to care for them.

Your parents belittling you for things you have little to no control over and accusing you of being responsible for their future deaths, for not knowing things that haven’t been explained to you, for not living up to their expectations without even giving you a chance to try, and for not “working for them as hard as they would in your place”, are all red flags of emotional abuse. Accusing you of things you don’t do and constantly drilling into your mind that they “know” you’re a horrible person who doesn’t want to learn or change is a red flag too, and probably an excuse to take the guilt off their shoulders for not taking the time to guide you in life and to explain anything to you before accusing you of not knowing it already. “It’s too late” puts the blame on you, but what it actually means is probably something along the lines of “It’s easier to scream at you than to put realistic expectations on you and then help you achieve them while respecting your boundaries and allowing you to make mistakes, but I don’t want to feel guilty about it, so let’s pretend you’re a lost cause, yeah?”

I used to go to a private school too, and my mother repeatedly told me that was the reason she struggled economically and that I had ruined her life. It wasn’t until I talked about it in therapy that I realised that I never had a choice in what school I went to. Same as I never had a choice in anything my mother decided for me. So how could I be to blame for the consequences of those decisions? And how can you? If they buy you certain clothes, then they have no right to criticise how you look in them. If they chose to put you in a private school, then the money spent is on them, not you. You shouldn’t have to “prove” you’re worth their decisions for you or their basic care for you--they chose to give you that unconditionally the moment they decided to have you in the first place, and if they refuse to give it or threaten to take it away, it’s becuase they’re neglectful and/or abusive, not because something intrinsic about you justifies it. You’re not a bad kid; you’re just a normal kid with very bad parents. And I’m really sorry that you have to put up with them. You deserve better 😔

I’m here if you need to vent again in the future, nonnie. Sending a virtual hug ❤

l o l love hearing my mom talk shit about me in another room bc she earlier told me i should get a job at amazon. i told her that i've only heard bad things about it and would rather not if i have a choice, and she just LOCKED onto it, going on and on lecturing me about how "it would be hard and stressful but thats life and you take what you can get", i emphasise that part of what i've heard is that it ISNT SAFE, she immediately starts tearing into me about my sources "if youve only heard employees who are complaining, how many out there arent that you dont know about?" and "thats the opposite of everything I've heard about it". so when i had the chance i left the room to stop engaging.

so now i hear her ranting to my dad about how "a MATURE ADULT takes jobs they dont like when they have to" and all the shit jobs shes had to do in her life, but she grit her teeth and did them.

the kicker for me is that i never said i was unwilling to do it; hell, it hadnt even occurred to me until she started accusing me about why i wasnt trying that angle, and why i got defensive about it as an idea from the limited knowledge i have on it. objectively, yes, i havent done research. it hadnt been on my mind! im still stagnant on whether i should even be looking for jobs, if its safe and if ill be here or in florida! the main thing though? i told her "I hadn't been considering it", and instead of hearing that as I meant it, she heard it as me being an immature little shit who isnt willing to do hard work when its necessary.

well guess what? she only deems it necessary to begin with because SHE decided she just HAS to go running off to florida, during a fucking PANDEMIC, bc shes afraid of the civil unrest and shit going on around us. shes uncomfortable and uncertain about her life, so its time to upend the rest of ours, out of the blue demanding i get a job and give all my income to the house bc of how *expensive* paying for 2 households will be. right, which wouldnt be a problem if you werent so fucking intent on splitting up the house! its not that im unwilling to sacrifice and be uncomfortable to help my family in a time of need; its that this time of need is ENTIRELY bc of her own decisions against ours. its not real. does she have valid reasoning? yes, she does. does that mean that she has the right to demand we bend to her erratic, ever-changing plans to do drastic shit? no! we bend so much for her whims, bc we love and support and respect her, but when we draw boundaries bc of how much her whims genuinely put us out, we're being selfish. fuck off.

9/12/20 5:23pm

My boyfriend and I have been together a year. We are poly, he is my primary partner. I love him, more than I ever knew I could love anyone, and I know we are meant to be... but he doesnt want to involve guys that much in our poly adventures and.. we were drunk as heck at our best friends house and after my bf fell asleep, I did things with our friend that I didnt plan on doing and idk what to do bc this friend is a guy and I'm scared I will develop feelings for said friend. (To be continued)

Part 2 of the conundrum. Both my bf and this friend are bisexual, which is why I feel like it *could* pan out but I am freaking out because I dont have anyone I can talk to about this, and I completely rely on my bf for everything, financially, and our house together is paid for by him bc I am unable to work right now. I like the friend, but I dont want to ruin the friendship we have, I'm just so sick of my bf being 100% ok with me being with girls, but we cant explore guys. Idk.

Part 3 of bf/friend conundrum. I feel horrible because I sincerely didnt want to be unfaithful, but I was too scared to ask my bf if he wanted to explore, with this friend, before he fell asleep. I feel like utter garbage and even this friend likes us both, idk what to do...

okay so. first things first, have you told your bf what you did? because you absolutely should come clean. what you did is not polyamory. what you did is cheating.

i understand feeling frustrated about your bf not wanting you to be with other guys, and it does seem like a weird thing because while i don’t know your bf, most reasons i can think of for a restriction like that aren’t great ones? however, i feel like that’s something you should probably have talked to him about before things got to this point, so you could come to an understanding or something. it’s still a boundary he has and it’s rude not to respect it, and it’s even ruder not to respect it while he’s completely unaware.

i don’t have a solution or anything for relying on your bf. i understand it’s probably a reason you’re reluctant to say or do anything, because you don’t want to put that in jeopardy. in the worst case scenario, are you sure you don’t have some kind of safety net in place, like there’s literally nowhere you could go if things go badly?

anyway. it seems you’re not 100% sold on dating the friend either and in the best case scenario where your bf forgives you and is willing to explore this, i’d still say you probably shouldn’t do it. getting into a relationship you’re not sure about is not a good idea, in my experience

however. from what i know about the world, most results tend to be somewhere in the middle between best and worst case. which means your bf probably WON’T kick you out, but i’m also gonna be honest, he probably won’t be very happy about what you did, and he probably won’t want you to date the friend. up to you whether or not you want to accept that, but definitely you need to talk and communicate with your partner about these things. that’s how any relationship works, but especially with polyamory because things are more complex when more people are or could be involved.

of course, i could also be way off-base w/ my thoughts on the matter. i don’t know you, i don’t know your bf, i don’t know your friend, and i’m also not a professional advice-giver. i am going solely off what you’ve said here and my own feelings on the matter. still. i can say with 100% certainty that communication needs to happen here. you need to come clean. this can’t be a secret forever, and the longer you put it off the worse it’ll be in the end. like a band-aid. just gotta rip it off and do it

this is a half vent half "what should i do" ask so sorry for the length,, you dont have to read it all hhh ---

one of my irls is being rly shitty rn. im so angry at her to the point where im considering ignoring her/not being her friend anymore.

basically what happened was she was making some jokes abt my triggers (which ive told her makes me uncomfy quite a few times) and then when i was like "hey what you said made me uncomfy" and "its tiring constantly bringing up how x makes me uncomfy and you always forgetting" later, she got rly defensive, saying things like "you know i have a shit memory" and "i still care but...". and gave a shit ass apology (she said "sorry it bothered u so much" like its my fault?). so when i said that her apology didnt seem genuine, she got rly defensive again and said stuff like "i dont want to walk on eggshells" and "i like to laugh at things that bother me". like 1) im not asking her to walk on eggshells and 2) its hard for me to laugh at things that bother me bc of my trauma, which im pretty sure ive told her abt. AND THEN she fucking played victim ("maybe just once can i please not be given shit for making one mistake").

and to top it off, shes giving me the silent treatment and said "ive just been trying to take a break from talking to my friends as much bc its depressing" when i told her giving me the silent treatment is gna piss me off even more. like?? no??? thats super fucking shitty????

anyways: i dont know what to do anymore. im so so angry at her and im just. tempted to not be her friend anymore. she also usually only talks to me to vent so. im tired of her. should i just? cut her off? shes one of my only three irls and shes the one ive hung out with the longest... shes said im her only friend at our school too so ill feel horrible if i do cut her off... sooo any advice? hhhh im just,,, rly angry and upset im sorry - ian

lmao i dont want to be that person but if she’s pissing you off this much, not respecting your boundaries, only comes to you with her own issues why are you still even talking to her hfjvdnkc

absolutely do not feel horrible if you do cut her off, does she feel horrible about saying those things to you?? does she feel horrible about bothering you all the time? doesn’t seem so to me. if you want to try and save the friendship i think maybe having one serious talk with her could help, but only if you make it clear that you’ve had enough of her behavior and either she realises she’s been acting like a bitch or she’s not worth your time, imo. if you’ee really her only friend and has a few functioning braincells, she’ll realise that she’s about to lose you and if she cares one bit, she’ll try to make a change. 

i actually helped 2 of my friends with a very similar situation, friend A was acting super shitty and moody towards friend B, she’s really been treating the other like shit and friend B always complained to me about it and asked for advice. i basically told her the same thing i just told you and eventually they talked it out because they’ve been friends for a long ass time and still cared for each other, so once friend B told friend A that her actions have been hurtful and annoying and made her not want to talk to her anymore, friend A got kinda... scared? of losing friend B, sincerely apologised for everything, said that she knows she’s a bit too much at times but that she genuinely cares about friend B and that she’ll try to be a better friend from then on. im not exactly sure what happened afterwards or how they’re doing now, but i know talking it out helped them both a lot. 

i also dont want to generalise at all and i dont know your friend, but maybe she’s having some kinda issues herself? thats the only way i can explain her being defensive, maybe she does feel bad about it but doesn’t know how to deal with it and gets defensive as a response? i dont know. my suggestion really is to talk it out with her and see where that goes 💕 and if you do please let me know! <3

Rant timmme

So I’ve blocked the person this is about bc they sometimes splurg on my Tumblr page and knowing me, thisd be the day that they do that.

Basically, a friend of mine from high school and I are…idk if its a falling out or if its subtle hints they dont want to know me or what. But, here is a rant dedicated to them.

So I met them in Grade 8, 9? We hit it off right away and I could talk to them about the stuff that was bothering me at the time. They were amazing and I respected their boundaries as much as they respected mine.

In Grade 9, when my mum was sick, I didnt have any friends in my class bc the school separated the three of us bc I was too distracting (the one person I did sit with was legally blind so I was helping them with stuff they needed help with, something her aide never bothered to do) and I pretty much isolated myself from everyone bc it felt like no one was on my side, especially all the teachers who failed to see my deteriorating interest and health to be anything but “its because shes fat”.

Anyway, I told this person that I was suicidal (I think I said that if God wont end my life soon, I’ll do it for him? Anyway it wasnt hinted, a went into my plan a little bit) and they brushed it off, saying that I was fine and when Mum was better I’d feel better.

Fast forward to Year 10. Still suicidal only no one was listening. Self harming now too. But thats not their responsibility.

What was their responsibility was not to become a Grade A bitch.

Throughout the year they ignored me, and caused my closet friend to burst into tears on multiple occasions. They refused to sit with us and would rarely talk to us. Another one of their friends was also suicidal and self harming, and they were taking it more seriously with them. Whenever I tried to organise something (catch up in town, meeting after school, etc) they’d always forget and either not show or show up so late and have to leave early so there was no real point in meeting up at all (I’d have to be in town at 830am agreeing to meet up at 930-10, and they’d show up post lunch and leave about an hr afterwards and I’d be stuck there until 6-7)

What really hurt was that for my 16th party, I had invited about 10 people to lunch. All but one forgot, and when I called this person they said oh I’m sorry, I forgot I’m at netball and then I’m going to other friends house. Raincheck?

So yeah. Pretty devo.

Then at our Grade 10 formal she refused to sit with us, take a photo with us, and caused my friend to, yet again, burst into tears. Two days later, we had an explosive argument and I cut contact.

When I came back from the UK (about maybe 6 months after this argument?) They wanted to catch up and I said fine.

Didnt say a word to me. Hugged literally everyone but me (they hated hugs all throughout high school and they didnt offer and when I asked for one they turned me down) and, surprise surprise, spent all the time talking to the same girl from high school.

(Side note: the other person is really sweet and I’m not shitting on them, more my friends behaviour when it came to interacting with literally anyone else but her)

So, we had a shakey online relationship forming, and when I organised a meet up in town the same things happened as they did in high school.

Fast foward to Grade 12, my 18th party. I had two, a dinner with family and friends and a day in town/sleep over with my mates (to make up for the dinner which scared the shit out of me). They forgot the dinner. They forgot the party (we called several times before I called her Mum and practically forced them out the door). Which is fine except it was my 18th, and they had done it for all bar one of my birthdays)

Then, when I came down from Melbourne I always asked if they wanted to meet up and they always forgot. That whole year was shit for a multitude of reasons, but their lack of support offline was one of the shittiest things that happened.

So, now we are in my first year of Uni. I pay for them to go to Melbourne with me (I paid accomm and I think tickets? Well i got free accomm anyway) and had planned for us to do a ton of stuff.

Didnt want to do any of it.

And just like when I went down from Melb, when I came down from where I am now, they’d always forget when we were catching up.

On top of that, I offered to let them stay at mine during a local con that happens once a year and they didnt tell me until I came down to grab them to walk them home that they found other accomm! And then didnt ask if I wanted to catch up post con or whatever.

Anyway. Last year they commissioned me to crochet them something, which I did. I finished it and we agreed that they’d pick it up at my 21st bday party.

Anyone see the trend?

They fucking forgot again. I sent the multiple messages during the lead up to the party and they still fucking forgot and then asked if I was in town the following day to drop off their blanket.

I was fucking livid. So I said no (which was the truth) and told them that I gave it to my parents for them (my friend) to organise with my parents to pick it up from their (my parents) work. (Fun fact: it still took them over six months to collect it and it was only after spamming them and threatening to sell it and then them running into dad that they did then collect it).

I also told them they needed to call me at their earliest convenience.

That was in July. Besides the messages about the blanket, I refused to message them until they called me. Which they haven’t.

I dont know I think I’ve never been an important person in their life? I mean, they forget everything and never take what I say seriously and I dont like making plans with them anymore bc I know they rarely remember. Am I being too dramatic? Or is it justified?

To be honest I’m terrified of never speaking to them again but my heart always gets broken when they forget me and even though they are super important to me, clearly I’m not important to them. And I feel incredibly shitty about that because idk…I feel like I’ve lost a lot over the past three years, especially in the friend department.

But yeah. No climax with this one, just a rant ended I suppose.

Thanks for the links I'll be sure to watch them. I like watching analysis on Disney movies. Belle is my most favorite Disney princess. Has been forever. I was eager to see the live action movie until I kept hearing all this stuff about Belle being 'better' smarter and stronger. I was thinking Belle was already perfect. Why fix what's not broken? I'm not sure how any of this is an improvement. Instead of appreciating who Belle is and why her nature ended up destroying a curse to save countless -

2 people and redeem one soul who also proved he was a awesome selfless guy underneath that spoiled attitude. We get a character who we’re suppose to be impressed by her talents or, as you put it, how ahead of her time she was. Original Belle would be special yet easy to misunderstand no matter where or what time period you stuck her in. She was role model for her selfless attitude and independent mindest that didn’t go w/the crowd. She saw past images and cared about what was underneath. -

3 Belle was also relatable because she liked what she liked and felt lonely sge didn’t have friends who liked or accepted her. We all have yearnings to escape a place we feel belittled or trapped in. We all want to have at least 1 person to love us for who we are w/o wanting to completely change us first. But in the remake we got Belle the inventor. I’m not going to relate to someone alone for being an inventor. As you said, I feel like they lost what made Belle Belle when they turned her into -

4 into a mini version of her Father. We didn’t need her to become her dad and inherit her dad’s problems. She had her own problems. Just like what they’re doing w/Jasmine. Once again I thought the Aladdin remake looked fun until they talked about Jasmine veing a stronger version. She’s into politics and stuff. Forget that Jasmine wanted to marry for love and stood defiant against her well meaning Father’s picks for a husband. All men who only wanted her for status. That she was brave enough to-5 escape her sheltered world to be herself. That she never once looked down on Aladdin or anyone for being a street rat and treated him like a equal worthy of respect. She’s never once impressed w/material gain and showed more awe for a kind thief’s world then a boastful Prince’s magical parade that enchanted everyone else. That she stood up to Jafar of all villians w/o breaking a sweat. That she forgave so much. That she got her freedom and true love in the end. That’s only 1 movie too.

Yeaaah that’s so true I agree with all you said.

Tbh this is kind of another problem, Belle was more “ordinary” in a way that was relatable: but that was part of what made her this “extraordinary”. She was the “simple bookworm” who had a golden heart and could have people be their best selves around her. And it’s.. good. I mean I think people forgot those movies originally target kids or the kids inside of us. Sometimes it’s just good to tell the kid that even simplest things make them amazing. That they don��t have to be “special”, to be smarter, stronger than everyone else to be taken seriously, that you could just be yourself, that you could still have an impact on people’s lives. 

Like yeah it’s cool to tell kids they can be more too!! It’s important that there are stories that can tell kids “and you can do extraordinary things” but htat doesn’t mean that the likeable ordinary characters shouldn’t exist. And it’s such a disservice to Belle bc she was relatable. Any kids could feel for her journey, for who she was, and didn’t have to feel.. unadequate because y’see they’re not a genuis like her.

Already I feel like we’re losing a bit of her agency by making her an extension of her father, but as it is, it’s just… again that apparently to be considered a “good protagonist” you have to be a step ahead, to not just be a normal person see, you have to be a SUPER person who is more amazing that everyone and super transgressive.

And it’s.. a shame because the original movie carries that on far better. Belle is still weird, and we know the town is being a bit dumb but…. the thing is that, it’s super relatable? Like in the remake tries far more to relate it to the time period (which is in itself silly, the original “La Belle et La Bête” was published in a lady’s magazine for women to read it’s not,, like it was that weird to “teach another girl to read” in that time period in France,,) and they add this stupid plotline of how Gaston is just having major PTSD and that’s why he’s a douche and they have a whole section showing the townfolks don’t trust him blindly and Le Fou has to pay them to sing Gaston and i’m just??? Bc No, the Town were just mindless people who just would push away anyone who’s different. Gaston is your usual bully. The kind who believes they’re more important than anyone. They’re… people you actually meet in your life. 

So by making Belle “more special” while also in a town that is “more justified” it just… feels wrong and fall flat and it just feels insulting.

I don’t know that remake missed all the marks and Belle especially suffered from it and i hate how superficially they took the character. It’s super annoying. 

For Aladdin i admit i didn’t keep track of the remake, i personally think it looks like a trainwreck but i’m also very, very tired about the Disney Remake trend, and extremely annoyed with the “We’re fixing stuff from the original” ones. Because like, for exemple, liking it or not Maleficient wasn’t trying to fix the original, it was another side of the story. Jungle Book took a different approach but didn’t act all smugly about how they were fixing things. But with Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Aladdin they keep talking about things to change from the original to make it “more modern and better” and generally it’s not even on like… actual important stuff (i’ve only ever watched Aladdin in French and they don’t have it in it but apparently there’s a lyrics from the opening song that is downright offensive about how barbaric the culture is. Like. Think about fixing that before fixing your “woman problem” Disney.)

For Aladdin,  I really have no idea where the damn remake is headed but yeah i’ve seen them mention how much the new Jasmine is better than the original and c o m o n. You can try to talk a little more about politics without completely  undermining that she was still having an arc in the original, that she didn’t want her life decided for her, and everything you just said. 

idk i feel like they didn’t even get why those characters were liked to start with. They rush into conclusion about what bad role models they are without even taking into account that it’s… not like that people took them. Legit I’ve never thought “Cinderella/Ariel/Belle needed a Man to save them from their lives” for exemple until people started to smash it all over my head when I was a teen. 

Personally my fav princess growing up was Ariel, for exemple. to me she was a passionate person and people around her kept villainizing what she liked, his father litterally destroys all her stuff in front of her in a fit of anger. she is more pressured into doing the family stuff like singing for his father, but her interests are shunned away. What she wants is to explore her passion, to discover new things, to not be locked where her family tells her is her best place to be, especially when her father for exemple completely overlook her boundaries. Saving Eric happened to be one of the catalyst making her want to set it in motion, but she didn’t do it until her father sent her the message that her passion would be welcomed with violence. And yeah she took rushes decision when she was running away from home after her father terrified her, she was pressured in the contract, but the enjoyed herself on Earth, and whatever “she just wanted to find a man” means, she found what she wanted with Eric. he has boats, they can travel if she wants. He invites her to danse, he makes her visit places, she handle a horse, he helps her live more of her dream that isn’t just living a life with him. 

So to me i grew up with Ariel on a pure escapism sense, of living off your passion, of being able to escape an unsafe place to be with said passion, and hell the ultimate fantasy is that her father admited he was wrong and did right by her in the end. Getting the man was a bonus. 

and Ariel also enters a lot in the bashed princesses category because of Eric and it always kinda frustrated me, but when I was a young teen and everyone told me they were bad role models? I just ended up agreeing because “guess kid me doesn’t know any better”. But as an adult now, I feel like kid!me understood it much more, because those raw emotions are what inspired me in my life. Not the man, the passion did. 

Can’t WAIT until they remake The Little Mermaid to “remake Ariel in a Stronger Female Character” even if that’s not what this story need /sarcasm.

So yea long story short I think executives who are trying to say “how to better female characters kids loved” just completely missed why kids loved those characters to start with, and so instead it’s just pushing down our throat “shhh you love it the wrong way, here how you should love it too be More Progressive” and this is just annoying.

So yeah. Wait and see for the Aladdin’s remake but I have very little hope. 

Oh boy and it reminds me everything they planned for the Mulan remake *takes a huge breath* i dont know if i’m strong enough.

Take care!

open if u wanna read my encounter with cyberbullying and me being petty about it 😛

note: kpop included, some stuff might be triggering to those who have been cyberbullied

(i’ll include some fun fact astrology stuff regarding the situation too)

so about a week ago, i was involved in this “rt if u wanna be in a kpop gc” gc. it was all chill at first because everyone was warming up to each other but after a few talks here and there, people talked about which groups they liked. it was all cool until someone (i’ll call them N) mentioned they missed block b (a kpop group with rly popular hit songs) and another person (i’ll call them B) told the whole gc that “block b is a flop.” of course N was slightly ticked at first so they got a bit defensive. but B and two other ppl (A and F) continued to press on the topic, making it seem like they were harrassing N.

now before i get onto the conflict, let me tell you my reaction. i was just ??? do B, A, & F know the successes of block b? they’re only partially right about block b flopping in my opinion bc right now, they’re not doing great. but block b’s sales and records with their songs were really popular in the past. i even had to ask my bbc fan and we had similar thoughts.

anyway back to the conflict: now N is telling the three to fuck off. B, A, & F are saying to chill, it’s just kpop, why are you so pressed. here’s the problem with what they said: yes, it is kpop, we shouldn’t take it serious overall, but they are the ones pressing this topic, acting like it’s a joke when it clearly isn’t for the other party. i’m also really pissed at the three bitches at this point bc i can see how N is really affected and she is one of those people who rely on music for emotional comfort so obviously, she is sensitive to that. we need to acknowledge that people like her exist (and many other types of people) or else, we can never achieve a middle ground or some certain form of peace with anyone.

so i stood up for N like a normal person wanting peace, spouting snarky yet intelligible remarks at B, A, & F. kind of a weird combination of words to describe it but i was basically calling the three off for being insensible and rude. i told them people who rely on music for their emotional needs fucking exist according to psychology and that they prob haven’t experienced some traumatic shit to be aware of others. i continue to tell them that they have to be respectful once there is something brought up that can be sensitive to others, but of course, they continue to joke about it bc, well, they’re teenagers (guessing they’re 15-18). one of them even told me to “stfu ur annoying, we get it” bc i kept repeating the same shit lol but someone else backed me up luckily, saying that i was repeating so that there would be no arguments in the future. by now, N had left the chat and was stupidly tweeting her emotions where the others could see. i literally facepalmed bc 1) N didn’t even block them and 2) people will literally attack you more on the internet if ur public. i had to dm N myself and comfort her for a while—even told her to block them by giving their users but she didnt even after i said to. as i was doing all that, the other three were talking behind N’s back in the gc, assuming i was gone (while i was screenshotting everything), and talking about a prick N was.

now everybody! this is called cyberbullying. it even exists with people you don’t know, which makes it scarier.

at this point, i’m just witnessing everything the three bitches (i have no right to call them that but they were acting like bitches) are shitting on in the gc until the topic really dies out. i still have all my screenshots but i won’t be revealing them or anyone involved bc i respect everyone’s privacy whether they’re annoying or not. apparently one of them is in therapy bc of her depression—i guess she didn’t have a better outlet of handling her emotions but stan twt. and stan twt is toxic af as everyone knows.

also i’d like to state that N is somewhat at fault too. it’s not only the three girls, N could have approached them more logically but again, she might be just too emotionally attached to her groups. i don’t think she didn’t even care halfway through our private conversation bc i kept giving her 75% advice and 25% support (which i think she needed more). her tweeting about her emotions was a no-no too bc it just sparked more beef. also, it’s just the internet in a sense, who cares about three people who don’t agree with you? but again, it’s gonna be different for everyone and i strongly felt that the three girls could have took the situation more differently if they were more empathetic.

back to the point: after all that, i wanted to rant. cause i just get upset at humanity easily ya know (mars in pisces culture) and my gemini moons wants to spill the tea. i end up talking to my irl friend who also is on twt so she also understands the shit that goes on there. i tell her everything and she agrees that this was cyberbullying.

the whole situation just made my blood boil tbh. it wasn’t the idea of block b being a flop, but the idea of respecting each other and knowing when not to overstep boundaries. a lot of people tend to throw all that away when they’re on the internet, and that has to be changed imo—we need to teach people that there is also respect on the internet. of course everyone won’t be respectful as this generation has changed immensely but to let people be aware of certain comments affecting others mentally and psychologically must be raised.

so i devised a plan where i dont need to see this toxic group anymore. i was admin at the time bc the original admin accidentally left and twt automatically made me the admin. what i wanted to do was to remove everyone from the group, block the people i didn’t want to see, and then finally leave the group.

so i did. not too revengeful or anything, just being petty because people don’t know how to keep jokes unoffensive and i wanted peace. i didn’t want them to talk behind everyone else’s backs either if i was the only one who left so i removed them. i didnt care if they get together after that bc my job would be done by then.

anyways to conclude, please be aware that cyberbullying exists. what you write can hurt someone especially if you press on the topics. even if it’s on politics (i think) or whatever. music might be the biggest topic that can be touched upon in relation to cyberbullying bc there are tons of people who rely on music for psychological comfort. i just hope that ppl don’t get butthurt when they believe the earth is flat and 99% of the world tells them it’s round.

oh the fun astrology facts: around this time, mars and my natal saturn (or was it the other way around?) were positively aspecting each other, which rly allowed me to go off and lecture the three teens.

ah i’m also a fresh adult (19) so i’m no oldie since i’m still in the “teens.” i’m not saying that i’m in no way “smarter” than the people i have mentioned in the gc bc of age, but that you can learn so much at a young age (since there isn’t a big age gap bt me and the ppl involved). yes, it is your choice to learn, but wouldn’t it be so much better to open your mind to new things and gain understandings of them?

idk, thank you for listening to my ted talk. i hope you all either enjoyed this or learned sth :)

well well well well... what have we here.. my life is in spirals.. it’s doing one of those again! friday saturday and beginning of sunday i was a wreck.. I stayed in bed most of the day bc well.. I've felt depressed.. tired.. or attempted to do school work but just spaced out... damn.. its tough trying to do schoolwork.. i didnt plan or go anywhere bc i made the attempt and desire to do school work but when it came down to it.. time flew by so fast i couldn't even grasp it.Although I am always grateful. i played some guitar.. realized I'm going to major in music again.. and expressed myself fully. friday night I went to see a silent film with Tarvo. very fun and i like him in my space.. we talked and experienced a lot and had a lot of love and gratitude for our night. the live music, the correlation of hamlet to dr jekyll and mr henry .. aristotles poetics tragic flaws themes and plots were shown.. and we found out that the actor, something barrymore, played hamlet as well in something! i knew it, his acting was spot on! just a very amazing night.. he paid for the rides there and back and for our tickets, such a gentle man!!! was all so artistic and opening. i wore hot green sexy yoga pants that make me look so fucking hot with some mesh and a small grey shirt with a sexy brown and red scarf from tibet or something with tibetan sanskrit and a jean jacket and my hair was in a perfect bun i looked so damn good and oh my new brown heels oh ya i rocked i kicked ass damn i looked fine and he was adorable with his khakis haha but anyways chrismet us there but me and tarvo were so invested into it man i love tarvo i dont want him to leave we've grown on each other so much and i love that guy seriously he's the bomb and he's always opening my mind and talking about real things.. when we got back briksha and elektra were still up and i got to talk to elektra for a bit.. it was so amazing.. she asked what was up between us and bc I've always just gone to her for this whole journey i have with tarvo and she gave me so much care love and advice and its just been amazing like i dont know where id be in this journey without her she's helped so much and said so much and in short she told me to listen to myself, to feel how i feel about something, and thats my honesty about it. bc she knows how confusing this whole tarvo thing has been, i thought that night was a date but he went around inviting people, and this was after we expressed our likeness for each other... but she said that bc before i said I'm not interested in commitment or i dont care that he has a woman but she told me to just sit with and see how i feel and react to things but she just drops everything to give me advice and hear me out and all the advice elena elektra and even tarvo have collabritly and diffrenatialy expressed to me is basically set boundaries, and respect and follow them. to consider my feelings and respect them. to not hurt myself. but after that night went to fire ceremony then sat in the office and started writing about the night and tarvo sat on the couch next to me and we were just in each others space and he was like hugging me and stuff and giving me attention and smiling and he was over me and kind of read some stuff but i covered it really fast lol hopefully he didnt read anything oh shit hahaha i was writing about him but I'm for sure going to give him my poem oh ya but wait before the movie on friday me and baba went to beloved to see his lover and before that i texted ashlan what his problem was bc he's been ignoring me and he never responded and when i tried hanging out or asking him questions and when we got there he was working and i told baba I'm not sure if i want to walk in bc i sent an expressing text and he said its perfect to go in the to acknowledge and talk to him about it then i said ooo he looks so cute and he said perfect go tell him that and so we went in and said hi and hugged and god damn he looked so adorable and handsome damn damn damn that boy got a spell on me for sure i just couldn't keep my wandering eyes off his delicious body and scrumptious face HAHAHAHHA no but seriously his eyes were what always take control of my soul damn just thinking about him is making me flutter like a new born butterfly mmm ashlan wrap me with your tan tall arms baby damn mmmmm so cute that boy is soo cute mm and everything he does just turns me on like he was offering us tea and i love his energy in my space to begin with and he was showing us his like 11 ceramic cups and bowls he made damn panty dropper honestly but I'm kidding this guy i do not biologically sexualize but rather soulfully sexualize and his eyes are the base and pin point of the imagination . He makes my dreams dream. I think the fact he pays not attention to me (not intentionally or to hurt me, our lives are just not aligned together right now)  really helps me be so dreamy with him. a week without him and i fully appreciate his being and have so much gratitude for him. a true life angel. and he also has a girlfriend.. so that helps.. anyways we got there and on his break we talked and i just expressed how my week was and how the stupid julian guy went over my boundaries and he was there to listen and he talked about his life and we were cuddling and he was laying his upper body on my lap and i was just massaging him and we hugged for like a good solid 2 minutes and it was so great it was like a lonely  cold lock finally met with the golden key . my frequency was high after that interaction and i expressed to baba i am so attracted to ashlan. i love baba. I LOVE BABA. saw the silent film at grace cathedral and did some wandering around at the park in front of it which was so cute and such a good thing to experiecen alone in my high frequency phase.. everything was art and i appreciate it all fully. the ceilings were so high at the cathedral it reminded me how big and tall the heavenly skies really are. and it was just a splendid night. anwyas that next morning tarvo was interacting with me then i went to yoga then i got back and saw him come in with dakota and instantly felt jealousy, like where did they go together, why is he with her, its ok there relationship isn't as golden as ours and i started laughing because i caught it! I caught my truth.. i do feel a certain way about him.. and it does affect me! i ate my food and sat with this and traced back to how i crave his energy and biology more than others in the house, in fact, if someones coming down or walking towards my direction, I'm always hoping itshim, and when we are in the same space, i want it to last forever.

monday 11/6/17

why does no one around me have common courtesy

Honestly, it’s really annoying when I’m always trying to be nice and people take advantage of that. I try to be understanding and stand in others people’s shoes when they ask me for a favor or something that inconveniences me. But people are seriously so freaken rude holy crap. Literally no one around me has decency, or even a little bit of god damn respect for me. No freaken modesty and no remorse for the shit they do to inconvenience me. 

I housed freaken 3 people this past month and I allowed it because I thought, you know if I was in a situation like them I’d be grateful if someone helped me out. But for these particular people, I was being EXTREMELY nice. Like I did not have to house them, they literally live IN THE SAME BUILDING AS ME. Girl A and guy A were just too fucking lazy to set up their utilities and internet so they just asked to live with me. Meanwhile I could’ve done the same shit as them to other people because I had to set up my internet and utilities too, but I’m a decent person and I wouldn’t make other people go through the same shit I had to go through for the past month. 

I get it, housing people is no big deal. But seriously if you live in the same building, at least make it seem like you’re trying to not inconvenience me and make it seem like you’re trying to set up your shit and trying to get out of my apt asap. I said to guy A, I was like alright, I like the company and all, but seriously, you guys seem like you guys aren’t even trying to set up your utilities. And guy A understood from my point. But I didn’t tell girl A, which was my mistake on my part because she was the one that was actually supposed to set everything up in her own apartment, but pushed it back so much for no reason. Guy A wasn’t even living here he was just subletting so he literally didn’t even have to set up anything but he was actually setting up everything for the girl. 

I talked to the wrong person, I know. All in all, they left after like a week of staying here and I was finally smooth sailing with my own apt. But then this other bitch girl B who’s lease was supposed to end on July 30th, was like “Oh can I live at your place for the remaining 8 days were here?” AND MY DUMBASS NICE ASS SOUL was like “uh sure why not”

Biggest mistake. I don’t know why the fuck I am like this. I’m always afraid to say no to people because I’m afraid that people will judge me and say I’m being petty as fuck. WELL AFTER I SAID YES, she moves in her stuff and you know its all good I’m fine with her living here because she sleeps on the sofa. I got really annoyed for the first two people because one slept with me on my bed and the other slept on the rug in my room. So it was annoying to not have any privacy. But for this girl it was ok because she was outside most of the time. 

BUT THEN, she like consistently left her dishes in my sink without washing them and I’m like, hello? this isn’t your place, you dont’ leave your dishes lying around like its ok. I understand if you do that shit at your own house but not in someone else’s home especially if that person is doing you a favor. So one day I was like “Girl B, can you wash ur dishes” like real nice. So that was off my chest. 

AND THEN two days ago, I gave my keys to this bitch because I’m a fucking sweetheart and I was like if u wanna go back early to my place heres my keys. But like I didn’t have to do that because most people don’t like it when others are in their apt without them actually being there. So my ass was at work and girl B was supposed to be at Starbucks with girl A. So out of random it started raining and I wanted to know if they had an umbrella and when they were going home so I messaged girl A and was like o are you still at starbucks, and she was like “oh no I’m at your place”

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And my first reaction was, why are you at my place and I got super annoyed because she didn’t even ask me or tell me. So I messaged her and was like “can u tell me next time u go to my apt lol” and she’s like sorry and I’m like it ok. So I come home and girl B apologizes to me again and says sorry for bringing girl A over. And I’m like its cool. 

Next day, I went upstairs to girl A’s apt bc she wanted everyone to drink. And out of the blue I was like does anyone like Taki’s the mexican chips, and girl A was like oh yeah I saw Taki’s when I was in your room the other day.

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It is already enough that she came over to my apt without telling me but she had the audacity to go into my room too? When I wasn’t home? 

I understand that these kinds of situations could’ve all been avoided if I just told them no in the first place. But I have trouble saying no to people and I know it brings me into a lot of shit and ultimately inconveniences myself and hurts me in the end. But seriously, like after I did them all these favors, they still don’t have some common respect to not go into my room or my apt when I’m not home? For all I know they could’ve been going through my laptop and reading through all my messages. Seriously. 

Kids have 0 respect these days. Always overstepping their boundaries. It’s literally like going into someone’s home with their parents there and opening their fridge. Really like really. 

I’m so sick of people’s shit. 

11/3/17

I need to start blogging again, so much happening in my life I need to write down. Halloween, the band loco tranquilo performed and I met all the members basically, and the hot guitarist really digged me and offered to walk me home, but i said no to going home with art bc i wanted to wake up early for class, but this guy was really pushing my boundaries and basically broke down all the walls i put up. and it taught me to strengthen and follow my boundaries, if I want to or dont want to do something, its easy to speak it, but i have to DO IT. I let him push them, although i tried very hard to get my way, he ended up getting his way. But on thursday it was dia de los meurtos and i walked around garfield park by my self and felt very sensitive, i carried carlos guitar pick i made a necklace from and journeyed everywhere with him, then I went to fire ceremony which was very powerful.. I had his pick in my hand and our baby picture and at first i was having an expectation for this experience to be powerful because its supposedly the most delicate day for the dead’s realm to intervene with the living, so i wanted to sit down and spend time with my brother... even tho Craig (the drummer from loco tranquilo ) invited me to this show thing and i got ready for it and everything, but i really wanted this sacred time. and when i was meditating i realized i need to have no expectations and to just meditate and feel . and i did, and it was magical.. i felt like carlo was hugging me.. i felt some weight.. some existence on my chest.. like i was being hugged, and it was in tune with my breathing..  but so magical.. i shedded a tear.. and i had the necklace with his pick wrapped around my left ring finger bc i remember reading that there is a vain where the heart connects there.. and i felt him in my heart.. it was amazing.. and a memory of when we were both getting washed by mama bc we both had lice haha.. such a fun memory ,,but i didnt even realize yesterday was day of the dead until the day was almost over.. but it all made sense.. the night before i was really down missing him and feeling him.. and i was cleaning temple for like 1 hour and vacuumed for like 20-30 minutes bc i was just so into it.. karma yoga has really helped me.. i just thought about him and grieved very powerfully the past few days.. starring at the moon reminded me of him. anyways did kirtan anyways went to piano fight bar after dia de los meurtos anyways it was very young lots of people in there 20s and it was just a huge energetic crowd i didnt really feel like i fit in well possibly bc i dont know anyone but everyone was just so young and full of energy and i usually am around these older ppl but it was this guy kyles  bday and he had a a lot of guys play an acoustic set at the bar and then had a video premiere of his new song and it was beautiful it was so amazing so psychedelic and hippie like and it reminded me of my brother and just everything about it like the music and everything was so carlo and it made me wish curl was still alive bc everyone loved this kyle guy and he literally just reminds me of foxygen and everything this kyle guy is about and music videos and the scene and I'm just made carlo did this bc he has it all a beautiful family and not a problem in life but whatever like whatre u gonna do about it right but when i got back to the ashram thats when the learning experience came.. tarvo was outside and i was interrogating him like what're u doing outside so late and stuff and trying to walk back in and he asked if i still wanted to know what beauty is and he told me and he first asked why do i not think I'm beautiful and i said my hair and face and he said that doesn't matter, beauty is basically whats inside. he said a strong will in what i believe in and who i am is whats most beautiful. he said it comes naturally to me, I've lived with it all my life.. so its easy to ignore it and think of other things to think is not great.. he said just how ahead i am.. he likes me .. he likes our interactions.. I'm very disciplined and choose what i want in life and what i dont want and I'm good at making decisions.. thats what makes me beuaitufl he said.. and just how i am naturally.. like the things i say are so sexy.. like he said are u excited about this silent movie and i said yes I've been wanting to see something exotic lately and he said see there it is thats just so sexy to me and its just how i used the word exotic to describe a film and he said he likes my eyes bc it shows i am .. i forgot the word but its like caring about others and myself.. its a very caring word.. sincere ! and that they are sexy.. and he said a lot of experiencing things.. i said it was like i was talking to god.. he like knew why i had insecurities.. he said I'm so ahead of people my age.. i just got to pass all the heartache and pain that they will experience.. but its just such a little life I'm glad i can.. I am fucking great.. i like realize things and find things inspiring in him.. like this morning he had a book but it was a different book and its like damn this guy fucking reads a lot. like ALOT. thats probably why he has such  great vocabulary and good speaking skills. when i asked how does he have such great speaking skills he said he just feels everything and then verbalizes it.. he feels how everyone is feeling in the room then speaks.. like he said he’ll think of an orange and then sees how he feels having it around his space.. something very inspiring .. i think his purpose in my life is to inspire me , to teach me, to be  friend. bc although there is some attraction between us.. i am learning a lot from him and he is providing trmemdnous growth in my life.. I am fucking kick ass I'm only fucking 19 and he's 39 and he was saying we come from two different worlds but he likes me.. but after done talking i went in the kitchen a bit upset and confused bc its like well where do we stand i mean u said all these nice things to me and mentioned this woman of yours multiple times and its like hmm.. i spent almost two hours on karma yoga and its like well thats it..the lesson isn't in relationships.. its in the growth he is giving me.. his inspiration.. his insight.. all of it.. inspires and uplifts me.. same with jesse.. it is so hard for him to be in  my space bc i am so attracted to him.. but underneath it all.. i learn a lot from him. his vocabulary.. i want to understand him more too.. these men.. that i cant have.. they all teach me something... i guess thats why i am so attracted to them.. another thing tarvo pointed out is that wisdom never leaves.. and it is best to get it as early as i can and keep it.. and then i asked well what is wisdom and he pointed out there it goes again .. thats why he likes me .. and our interactions.. it was like a movie. two different people from two different worlds.. but our energies just click.. and our conversations are unique.. and i learn a lot.. he's out there smoking his cigarette and saying all these crazy things that only inspire me.. theres a lot more.. but in the end i am just inspired to be true to my self and do what i want in life. i want to major in music. i only have one life.. so dont waste it or my time.. who cares if i won't be some crazy performer.. ill teach it at the least.. but dammnit I'm studying something that interests me and everyone else can suck my ass. in fact. i am very intelligent. i dont want to waste time with men.. tarvo said the more i work and respect and love my self,, the better the men in m life will be.. basically the people who come into my life are kind of a reflection of me.. but damn it i do want to work on myself and be this bad ass chick. I AM A BAD ASS CHICK DAMN IT> and its inly getting better. i also thought about how i always think in the future like oh someday ill be a better speaker or oh someday ill make people feel this way about me but dammnit no its NOW. right now that is happening.. today this morning chris says he loves being in my energy.. its so laid back and honest and he said better things but i cant remember.. damn it why cant i remember .. oh I'm doing so much more for myself now.. I'm listening to my body.. I've been vegan for like a week now.. today and yesterday i kind of splurged on over eating bc i got my EBT card.. but I'm recognizing it and fixing it.. i am fucking smart. i am so in tuned and I'm writing down more how i feel about things.. Feel things.. today I've been in bed from like 3am to 6 pm and half of it was sleeping and i spent a few hours just being depressed.. thinking i have an ugly face bc of my acne and nasty hair.. i disliked it all...but i grabbed the guitar and started playing and eventually i played my feelings out.. and thought damn.. ya this is the shit i want to learn.. bc i felt it.. i felt my feelings in the vibrations.. i thought, instead of being in my head with these insecurities,, i will be creative and play music. and i fucking did. i played a shit ton of music and it sounded so fucking good. I'm the fucking best. i am sick.......!>>!!>!! i am so cool.. and when i closed my eyes i really got in tune with the vibration and the noise.. i am using my time wisely now.. i thought a few days ago why waste time with someone who is not in love with me when i can be in love with other things.. and guitar came to mind. instead of spending time with worthless men in my life.. i am learning in guitar. in fact i see myself as this ultimate bad ass who just is so tuned with herself and music that nothing else (problems) MATTER. i can totally see it. I'm getting there. I'm the fucking best man. but ya I'm sick. recognize more of how beautiful i am. last night during karma yoga i thought instead of thinking of what i am not.. think of what i AM awesome yoga bitch in san frnaicso on her own killing the fucking game I'm only 19 whats up I'm super sick