#even if I don't have much school friends
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After several months of being colleagues, hanging out outside of work with other colleagues, waiting for eachother to walk home while smoking after work, having him come at my birthday, my partner's, a small gathering at my apartment, having my cat smell his feet, I came to the conclusion that I have made a friend that actually appreciates me and wants to hang out???
I'm extremely terrible at understanding that people perceive me and usually assume I'm on a acquaintance but today I was like omg I'm my friend's FRIEND?????
#in late august I felt sad that the work season would end and that I'd miss my colleagues#but I've had out of work contact with a couple of them and some will join my RPG so I'm not scared to be lonely like I was this winter#even if I don't have much school friends#the one that the post is about is a bit special because there's a crush aspect to it that made me more aware of different emotions etc#but there are others too#I would be lying if I said I didn't had a crush anymore but it's a lot more manageable so I know I can move on at some point#I have some friendships that started like that so I can't see why I couldn't do it again#vent post#personnal
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see everyone worried and fretted and panicked and yet quesadilla island looked at pepito and went
#qsmp#qsmp pepito#this post is not about roier's parenting i PROMISE you don't need to defend your cubito#this is literally about pepito being bobbled between caretakers#bad etoiles foolish forever bagi pac and more that i just haven't seen#just. people who have shown an interest and desire to hang out with pepito and keep pepito safe#pepito went to find parents and look!! look!!!#listen. listen. to me the qsmp is about love. not mystery not roleplay not drama not plot.#the qsmp is at its ABSOLUTE best when it is People Talking To Each Other#purgatory was AMAZING for me as a bolas viewer bc if bolas was in the server THEY WERE IN A CALL they were CONSTANTLY talking and i THRIVED#people adopting each other into their fake families in the most middle school childlike wondrous form of love there is#when you like your friend so much they're your fake spouse. your fake child. your fake parent. your fake sibling.#eggs and parents that's LOVE tubbo and fred that's LOVE tazercraft and walter bob that's LOVE; cellbit and roier; phil and missa#baghera and bad and forever; bad and bagi; pierre and maxo; maxo and EVERYTHING his son his daughter his partner the theory bros#favela six that's LOVE LOOK AT THIS FUCKING SERVER EVEN ELENA WHO WE'VE KNOWN FOR AN HOUR IS ABOUT LOVE. HER PARTNER IS HER DRIVE.#jaiden's story is driven by LOVE the hole from the love of her son and chasing cucurucho's 'love' in return it's LOVE it's UNDERSTANDING#there's so much love and i'm biased to my povs but holy shit i will repeat it until y'all roll your eyes seeing me on the dash#like NOT THIS ANIME POWER OF FRIENDSHIP BULLSHIT AGAIN no i'm right u can't fight me#block game brainrot#shut up vic
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a current day nils and a 90s college student nils who's way too intense about his internship walk into a bar
#hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii nils hiiii 💗🤭#let me get my important tags out of the way so i can write you a novella in the rest of them#ts4#ts4 cas#ts4 edit#the sims 4#nils#i've been exploring his character 🏃♂️#his full name is nils pelletier he's from canada originally he went to nyc for college and stayed there forever#he didn't grow up with much but he was really good at school so he got a scholarship and he was very very determined to become rich#he interned at frankie's dad's company and was offered a full time position after he graduated yayy you made it. i guess :| (evil company)#he's always been very stern very serious very quiet he's never had many if any friends. he was a deeply unhappy child#his parents weren't even bad they're nice and supportive and tried their best#he was married and has one son but he hasn't been married for a while. i don't know if it's divorce or death or what yet#it was the first girl he ever had a relationship with and he was also her first relationship#a very dull marriage but again not a bad one. she was nice and supportive and tried her best#it seemed like it was what they were supposed to do. get married and have a child bam done you did what was expected congrats#they barely ever even argued it was just. well loveless seems a harsh word. and 'well they were friends at least' seems untruthful#anyway he often has to be frankie's handler because frankie's dad is his boss and he does what he's told always#frankie's really difficult though
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HOWDY FOLKS I've not drawn very much as of late since. uhhhh. SEVERAL things happened. but one of them is because i went to a miniature painting convention this past weekend!
it was super fun! here's a couple minis i painted-- first one was just for fun and i want to make her into a character now, second one i did in a class on painting with limited palettes! i did that with only three different colors of paint!
#thee colors. three bottles! didn't even use black or white! it was just a really dark blue. a magenta. and a yellow#*three colors. not thee hdsjhssjhd#anyway other reasons i haven't drawn much is. the weekend before that i was helping a friend with stuff#we had to. put kiki down last monday. that was not fun#and kiki's health had been declining for weeks before then#and I've been super busy packing and going back and forth between my parents and my apartment ~3 hrs away#and preparing for school. so yeah it's been. pretty busy as of late! I've done little doodles#here and there#and I've managed to join the aggies a few times#but yeah. owudoshdjdgdjdhfjgj#OH NORMAL TAGGING STUFF I SHOULD DO THAT#miniature painting#miniatures#idk actually... what to tag.... oh well!#OH I ALSO HAVE ANOTHER MINI I PAINTED don't have a picture for it yet#and i started working on a fourth but didn't end up finishing it before the convention ended
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Anyone else think short form social media based on algorithms designed to promote topics that create more engagement instead of more joy, the idea of fast fashion but conveyed through social media, and the fact you can monetize suffering and outrage better than ever has largely resulted in the death spiral of media literacy and the mass emergence of bad faith readings?
#I may be venting a lil but god it blows my mind#fyp is a blessing and a curse because i don't think ppl were ever meant to be subjected to this many ppl at once#god i took a bird site hiatus for weeks and now BARELY check it and it already feels like a hit#oughhhhh#even fandom spaces have hugely incorporated marketing and networking into them bc of cmms and sponsorship and building portfolio#which would be fine tbh if it weren't for the way socmed is designed#now it's like you can't support too many ppl or else you're shadow banned or you have to make yourself palatable and marketable#and websites with threads in which people will only read the first post before qrting because ratios are seen as five minutes of fame#features that permit beating an algorithm are locked behind a paywall that promises you money if you go viral#and what goes viral is usually incendiary content meant for those ratios or trends. whether for or against OP#even in hobbyist spaces the climate has changed so much due to the monetization and marketing and just. ugh#not to mention side accounts dedicated to gossip in this new priv account culture like...idk#if you have to make another account so you can make fun of a friend on main with selected priv friends it just doesn't sit well with me#and not every priv account does this but enough do and it makes me tired#unsolicited hate comments are still as bad as they used to be on ff dot net except now people openly are proud of it more#why do most socmed feel like passive aggressive sticky notes on high school lockers#there is so much more I could say about everything that has left me weary about the internet but I don't know the time or place#and I don't want anyone to think this is about them because it's a general statement. though if you are doing the more inflammatory things.#maybe rethink that. it's not good for anyone else and it's not good for you either#I keep coming back online to check on ppl and see art and I *know* it's draining for my health every time#but I feel a lot better now that i use socmed less overall. and that I try to focus on what makes me happy#it just sucks seeing so many people i care about endure absolutely wild struggles bc people online do not care.#I like rambling in my tags because this is the only place I ramble except my personal journal and to my wife
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-“Oh, school has to be something serious, especially this year/something like that!”
The things I did when I was at school (especially in computer class):
TW: cigarette
I have a lot of memories, and this is certainly one of the most important/best/funniest in my life. I'm really going to miss everything... and I'm already crying lol..
#yes. I did that- and my friends loved that stuff <33#*sigh* I'm really going to miss it.. I'm not ready to be someone older... (I really hate the future)#and I'm not posting anything yet because I'm waiting for christmas day to me come back. that's why I'm not answering anyone#when I get back. I'll kind of try to have more content and answer you guys. but for now I want some time...#I want my year to end in a different way.#like- full of memories. the ones that made me laugh the most. these are the ones I really want to remember..#I don't want to leave aside everything I've experienced this year. and in all these last years actually.#I want to remember them. I want to make them become stories so I can tell other people how much I had fun..#and I hope that even I will enter a new life. I can also have other stories to tell and have fun!#with other people. and maybe. with my friends too..#so- yeah. I'm mel. and hope if you read this. say something.. to let me know that you care or something...#i'm mel and this is my blog✌️#my art blog#my memes#?#my memories#my memories of school#my memories at school
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am I aplatonic or am I just incredibly narcissistic with the tendency to view the vast majority of people as a waste of time and not up to my level to even consider being friends with
#lilyroaring#actually npd#narcissistic personality disorder#it's not that I don't enjoy having friends#but I'm not unhappy in being alone either. I'm good enough for myself after all#but most people truly don't interest me#I don't have a desire to make friends#I don't feel that need for connection#I'm not incapable of making friends either. I used to be very social and well known around my school#but I just can't help but look down on most people#I think their attempts to befriend me are hilarious#I can play along for a bit but do they really expect it to come to anything?#it's different if someone's got traits I respect or even admire#but most people just don't have that#classmates or coworkers. why am I expected to get close to any of these people#they just bore me too much to be worth the effort of even maintaining status as an acquaintance#how can I expect to feel love for anyone when almost everyone is a boring irritating disappointment
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What if I just developed social skills to be able to actually make new friends in person and then used those skills to get a new phone number and pack my bags and run away to a place where no one knows me and all my past mistakes and fuckups and started over there without going into social isolation
#i needed to hand my expose in in february and got an email about it this weekend and agreed to hand it in on tuesday#it is now sunday evening and i just got another email about it but thinking about opening it makes me want to throw up#she's so nice and i don't want to see her scolding me for AGAIN not sticking to a deadline#what if she tells me that was the final deadline and i won't receive a grade for that class and so i won't be allowed to write my thesis#until next january? I wanted to graduate this autumn. it's april and i haven't even started on my thesis and i have like three bullet point#for the expose; and idek if I'll be able skillwise and mental health wise/adhd wise to actually write the stupid thesis#like what if i can't do it and then i've spent the last one and a half years on a degree i won't get in the end and then i won't be able to#apply to a lot of the jobs i thought actually looked good#@god give me some social butterfly skills and I'll give or throw most of my stuff i don't absolutely need away so i can just..#go somewhere new. start over. and not become even more socially isolated than i already am.#does anyone know what a panic attack feels like because i'm having suspicions that i might have finally gotten them this year#but didn't recognise them as such because it could be worse#so anyway. god grant me some social friend making skills#if you can't do that at least throw in some adhd and depression treatment. i am sick of this.#and by this i mean the way i've been living my life at least since i left high school; probably even while still in high school#vent posts#mine#i love my online friends so much but i can't meet them outside to sit in the sun or chat about anything at all or go have coffee together#or or or you get me
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#so first of all i'm not jewish.#but i feel like i occupy a relatively weird position with respect to judaism.#because the neighbourhood in which i grew up was like...30-50% jewish?#it was jewish enough that the local families requested and got a hebrew immersion programme at the local elementary school#that operated in parallel to the english programme that i attended#and about half of my friends growing up were jewish.#and so i absorbed a lot of the surface-level details of the religion by a sort of osmosis#like...i knew the dates and significance of the various jewish holy days#and i knew a smattering of phrases in hebrew (phonetically); most of them apparently quite rude#and we occasionally did jewish religious songs in choir (some of them admittedly lifted from the 'Prince of Egypt' soundtrack)#and once when i was in high school i was on a trivia team; and we asked a run of questions about judaism;#and i was the only one who knew them even though (i swear to god) i was the non-Jewish player on either team#(and then when i was much older i almost married a jewish enby and i would even have tried to convert for them#but our relationship fell apart for unrelated reasons)#but one of the things that was drilled into me when i was growing up (by my dad who grew up under similar circumstances)#was that you don't criticise Israel; it's antisemitic to criticise Israel#(which made for a lot of fraught moments as a teenager given that i was watching the second Intifada on the news)#and the thing is even now in the face of what seems pretty unambiguously to be a genocide against the Palestinians#i find that i'm more circumspect about criticizing israel than i would be just about any other country under the same circumstances#like i was writing things like 'fuck saudi arabia' when they were murdering houthis in yemen#but 'fuck israel'?#even though a little harsh language is least of what that regime deserves#ugh#i feel like i'm privy to the death of a dream that was never even mine.#personal#religion
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hii can we smoke together but i'm a beginner and dont know how to use a lighter so you laugh at me (softly) as you light it and show me how to take a hit before handing it off to me....... can we....
#embarrassing and silly but this did hapen to me once. the one time i smoked JFKSJD#but like in my defense .! i am like. a boy who does not get out much and doesnt do dr*gs or anything#censored in case the tumblrs will banish me for it.#so a high school friend (but like we were in uni atp) lit it for me and liek. had me take a hit#head spinny thinking abt it a little like. weh#they were so nice abt it too n talking me through it like. deep breath... hold it#smiling n laughing a little bit when i coughed bc id never smoked before!! or even like. vaped or anything bc im a COWARD#n then going like. do you want to try again? :)#and then i snuggled w them and their bf and we got italian beef afterwards and watched hells kitchen which is like. so nice#but also like who the hell designed lighters i still don't know how to use one. like real#my hands are too weak to use lighters im a weenie#but also also like i would do it again. i am a boy w too much anxiett and brain thoughts and it was so nice to not have thoughts for a bit
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med school has lowkey broken me, my friend asked me a question about football yesterday and I got too nervous to answer even though I knew it
#like I immediately started doing my nervous fidgeting with my hands#it is not subtle#and then I said “I can't answer when I'm on the spot”#and then I tried to answer and trailed off and said “I don't know” halfway through#even though I was actually right#it's a little pathetic#but I am so goddamn nervous about getting asked any questions ever#like oh god they're gonna find out I'm stupid#and I did not use to be this way#I hate being like this#I should be able to answer a question MY FRIEND asks me without freaking out#but it's gonna take a while to stop having this reaction#this is one of the things I hate about med school#like people will defend the harsh treatment of students as necessary#but I was so much more functional before this#way more capable#the anxiety this has given me has made it way harder to get things done#or apparently just exist in social settings#well this will be another story for therapy#medblr#med school#medicine#med student#my content#my text posts
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guys im just saying you don't have to believe literally everything you hear about second-hand online...also not everything needs to be Discussed Online and Made Public...there is a point where that just turns into cyberbullying...........
#i have seen it so much this tour but worst of all this aussie leg like.#someone being disgusting on their own twitter account is one thing but 'one of the six thousand ppl who were in that pit said on reddit-'#is not something u should really run with and discourse over Online. when you were not there.#like even if it *is* true it just does not need to become a publicly posted internet thing guys like. did we not learn this in high school#the rumours i heard that i knew for a fact were completely untrue got worse and worse every show like it was truly ridiculous#im saying this As an aussie who never got barricade but wouldve loved to btw like. this is just Not sth that needs to be discussed online.#it's fine if u don't like people or are offended/annoyed u don't need to. publicise it openly please just complain to friends if u must...#*
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tysm for the tag @wiltedrosier !! these are so much funn, i love getting tagged in games sm.
hardcover or paperback? bookstore or library? bookmark or receipt? stand alone or series? nonfiction or fiction? thriller or fantasy? under 300 pages or over 300 pages? children’s or ya? friends to lovers or enemies to lovers? read in bed or read on the couch? read at night or read in the morning? keep pristine or markup? cracked spine or dog ear?
tags under the cut (it's a lot)
★*☆♪★*☆♪★*☆♪★*☆♪★*☆♪★*☆♪★*☆♪★
pretty sure there are like, almost all of my mutuals. if any of you would rather i don't tag you in games PLEASE let me know!! (*^▽^)/★*☆♪
@livi-erudite , @alma-torran , @dikotur , @kaaeyah , @tachiehara , @ranpoestan @ranpoestan , @fortunatelycolorfulgay , @sukinovaa , @jasminewhiteflower , @pandadabrek , @bunnyramen , @starstuc , @mallgoth-hamlet , @nemui-mochi , @breadsoup00 , @dazais-crab-addiction , @saltiestcat , @terunoshita , @philzokman , @frizzymmm , @mikopikopon , @nuo2x2 , @doyouhavefood , @bubblyseal , @nolongeravalidhuman , @pink-doc-martains , @kloudien , @mimihamburger , @liizardlegs , @washaa-t-beatz-me , @myspaghttisauce , @pixsin , @lyloneliness , @inkyphobia , @burned-out-match , @defunctpopstar , @maxe-mini , @actuallivingsoup , @thatqueerchoirkid , @dazaiscrab , @cherrylimon
#litterally so against dog earring pages#mot even like personal preference but every single librarian i've ever met has STRESSED not to do that and now i just cannot bring myself t#it feels like a crime#also the crease is just so ugly to me#as for the 'keep pristine or markup' it depends but i almost always(9.9/10) would keep it pristine#i only ever mark it up if i don't give i shit about the book and have to find a way to keep myself interested#or if it's for school and i have/want to annotate#tbh i love friends to lovers but you can never go wrong with enemies to lovers#it's a top tier trope#paperback is great but hardcover is just so nice for me#don't get me wrong#i ADORE paperback books#but hardcover feels so nice to hold and you don't have to worry about the front curling and it just looks nice#but paperback is so nice as well#they both have their pros and cons#i love stand alones#so much#forever and always#series are good too but they will never be as good as stand alones#books#reading#literature#can this fall into the fanfiction tag?#fanfiction#mutuals 🤍
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as a person who has been here since we only had the vv mock trailer, who witnessed jimmysea get their first public events to promo vice versa, who sat here through all the hate vv and jimmysea got back then, who had to witness all the shit going down, and now seeing ppl praise last twilight so much and love morkday so much is truly, Truly making me so emotional
#those are my boys#MY BOYS#and part of me wants to gatekeep them#with the 'you didn't love them during their vv era so you don't get to have them in their lt era' mentality#but a bigger part feels like a proud mother#witnessing her child get new friends in school#or succeed in some school competition#they mean so much to me#it sometimes seems so silly to think like this of two guys who live on the other side of the world#and who don't even know i exist#but they feel so important somehow#and their presence helps a lot with all this living stuff#so now seeing them get this love and hype and recognition truly means so much#it was a hard year ok#a very painful year#but i am hoping that it gets better now
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For the few people that aren't my friends but remember me/ my art (or friends I haven't stayed in touch with), I wish to give an explanation for my constant week or months long disappearances:
I am a school kid stuck in an incredibly brutal school system, with a born in disability that only increases the difficulty to an insane degree. I have 10 hour schooldays and am still expected to do homework and study for intense exams (that can be up to 130 minutes long) when I arrive home late at night. This translates to my weekends also being used up for study and any free time being used for recovery from the chronic exhaustion (I do not use the term »chronic« lightly here, this is something noted by my doctor).
I really do not like letting this art blog rot only to be temporarily revived for a very short period of time once in a blue moon, but it is out of my control.
I hope (and I do think that will be the case) that in the future I will have more opportunities and energy to be creative, and will be able to share the fruits of my creativity. I miss doing art, but the constant grind from school erodes my creative passion to a degree that I barely even doodle in my notebooks anymore.
I'm optimistic this will not be forever though 💜
#harmonica noises#I have a multitude of international friends and acquaintances and they were all appalled when I explained the details of my school system#except from my buddy from Thailand; he was able to sympathise a lot 🤝...#There's so much I would love to show; and develop and update about my world#especially things I'm dissatisfied with and are outdated (it's a lot...)#but it will have to wait.#in the lower schoolgrades; back when it wasn't as intense (it was still intense) I would go on Tumblr regularly but I don't have the energy#to do that even more#I am so tired and stressed all the time! it has become my default state of existence pretty much. But it will not be for forever 💜#I am unsure if posting something so personal is wise... but I still feel the need to explain myself#So tired... I cannot afford to go to bed on time. maybe on the weekend but that's it. I have to stay up late and do homework and study#because again; 10 hour schooldays.#and even when I can sleep 8 hours; there's still the chronic exhaustion I will face for... forever.
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A Shoebox Covered with Little Pink Hearts
Do you remember being a little kid and doing Valentines day
Making a shoebox covered in little pink hearts and stickers
Buying cards with your favorite characters on them
And little candies taped to each one
Going around the classroom dropping valentines into each box
And seeing who passed out the coolest cards.
But now you aren't a little kid
You don't get to make a shoebox with a little slit for cards
Covered in little pink hearts and stickers
You have to be in love
And give roses and chocolate and go out to dinner
I miss it, the shoe boxes
My valentines for my best friends and theirs to me
The love of little kids and friendships that last years beyond
Or the love that fades after a month
All dropped into a silly little shoebox
Now the love has to shown in a different way
A way I don't have
All I have is my shoebox covered in little pink hearts
#poetry#original poem#valentines#I hope yall like this#I like making poems but don't do them too much#especially cause school sucks#but here it is#I have never dated any one#And dating in my community is hard#people are very complicated about queer people#even if they're not homophobic lots of people don't see me as an option#But i miss it for your friends so much#I remember to this day who had the best cards
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